♬ The Nutty Professor (1996) Soundboard

A chemistry teacher.

A good friend.

A here today, gone tomorrow kind of fellow.

A little cunnilingus ain't never hurt nobody.

A macho man

About what your father said in there?

After all, Buddy does have a lot of love to give.

After all, men like us can't walk around now, can we?

After sex I rolled over twice, and I'm still on the bitch!

Afternoon, Carla.

Ain't everybody supposed to be the same size.

Ain't nothing wrong with having relations. Don't be ashamed of that.

Ain't that a bitch!

All I'm trying to say is scientific breakthroughs

All right, Professor Love.

All right, Professor, I'll see you then.

All right! Wait, wait, wait. Your mother's so fat,

All right. Thank you. Can you get the bill for me?

Allow me to answer that question

Amazing is my middle name.

And all the kids in the neighborhood say,

And be strokin'

And before you know it, the whole bag is empty.

And can you have someone from janitorial clean up this mess, please?

And crowbar that dough out of Hartley?

And don't have much time to do it in.

And everybody look at it and start laughing.

And flip it around.

And for you and for you.

And get the coagulant serum off the back shelf!

And getting my colon cleansed thoroughly.

And hamsters have a tendency to be fluffier.

And he's a science fan.

And he's considering donating a $10 million grant to this school.

And he's so shy, he didn't even show up.

And here I am, talking your ear off once again about Buddy.

And hollering, and maybe even fire me.

And hope to see you around.

And I can hardly wait

And I don't know why everybody trying to lose weight

And I feel nice

And I just can't hide it

And I know, I know I know, I know

And I promise you, I will not let you down.

And I think you should definitely go out with Buddy Love.

And I wanna give it all to you

And I will not be late

And I'll make you wanna bounce 2 this

And I'm a big fan.

And I'm gonna get that grant from Harlan Hartley.

And I'm sorry! My car ran out of gas.

And if I hadn't done it, Shelley would be in hamster heaven right now.

And if we're still playing around

And if you move real slow I'll let it go

And it causes unsightly conditions.

And Luther Vandross.

And miss little Ernie's golden years,

And mix up another batch of this blue stuff.

And my lunch blew off the 27th floor.

And she used to fund our science department.

And sometimes when you want something so, so bad,

And strut our respective stuff together.

And that's the side of Buddy I wanted to get to know.

And the kids enjoy it.

And then all of a sudden he runs out of the club.

And we gonna be eating, so I figured

And what components of DNA...

And when I hold you in my arms

And you can do anything.

And you have a date with linoleum.

And, man, what's wrong with that breath? I can smell it over here.

Another honey sitting in my ride

Another lyrical favor from your sexy neighbor

Anticipate a night alone.

Anything I can get for you? Juice? Coffee? Rack of lamb?

Are found in the skin.

Are genetically predisposed to gaining weight.

Are occurring all the time...

Are you guys... You guys share girls?

Are you snapping on Reggie?

As if I already know you.

As long as I pay the bills, I do what I want at this table.

Asses is big in our family.

At midnight, I don't have to worry about turning into no Klumpkin.

At The Scream would be perfect to discuss it.

Atlanta, bounce 2 this Yeah

Attention. Brought him to your attention.

AUDIENCE: Yeah!

Baby, I'm so excited

Baby, no! She got more extensions than AT·T.

Baby, you still worried

Baby's got a little gas.

Bang!

Be quiet! Don't tell me to be quiet! He drunk!

Because I distinctly remember locking up last night.

Because this equation fundamentally breaks down

Beg your pardon, sir?

Big, small, medium, midgets. You supposed to have all that.

Black man can't go camping?

Blood pressure, 1·0 over 1 10 and still climbing.

Blood pressure, 200 over 140!

Blubber butt!

Bosnia wants to give us money!

Bounce 2 this

Bounce 2 this, bounce 2 this

BOY 1 : Professor Klump. Good morning.

BOY 2: Morning. Morning.

Boy, that's just fine

Boy, women be shopping. Women be shopping.

Boy, you got a lot to learn about love

Boys will be boys

Breath smell like shit. Do you smell shit?

Bred from a genetically deficient hereditary line.

Brother, man!

Buddy Love.

Buddy, get up.

Buddy, how can I stay mad at you? This is gorgeous!

BUDDY: Now find the rich dummy a seat. it's show time.

BUDDY: That's enough out of you! That's it.

Buddy!

Buddy! Buddy, wait!

Buddy? ls that it, or do you have a last name?

Buddy's who I thought the whole world wanted me to be.

But don't let the gray hair fool you.

But first, a short musical interlude.

But he's dangerous. He almost killed us last night.

But I became desperate and selfish.

But I can't break wind.

But I don't feel comfortable talking to you about that.

But I learned one thing from Buddy.

But I'm going to make sure you never get hired

But it's time to attack black.

But just being happy with yourself.

But maybe you might be holding it in, your excitement,

But on the other hand,

But Professor Klump has a meeting tonight with Harlan Hartley at the Ritz.

But they won't marry you if you're a lesbian.

But this greasy, nasty pork chop,

But when I look in his eyes, I see kindness, I see warmth.

But, Sherman, I owe you a very big apology.

But, sir, I don't know if you should...

By any other college in the state,

By posing another.

Call Dr. Matthews. I'm going to need a lot of help on this one.

Call me Sherman, all right? Sherman.

Can we go to commercial?

Can you wear a white wedding dress, young lady?

Carla, are you ready to go upstairs?

Carla, Buddy's kind of unreliable.

Carla, do you like children? Yes.

Carla, please just listen. Carla!

Carla, where are you from?

Carla, will you please just listen to me?

CARLA: Sherman?

CARLA: So you altered her genes?

Carla! That's strike three, damn it!

Carla.

Carla. Oh.

Case in point, this woman is suffering from what I like to call Jell O arms.

Case in point:

Cellular destabilization due to arrive in exactly three,

Chemically... Chemistry.

Chemistry sure is important to have...chemistry...

Chicago.

Chunky butt is extremely horny. Excuse me.

Cletus, come clean this garbage up!

Cletus, shut up, please!

Cletus, take this bowl. it's hot.

Cletus, the dog's ripped open the garbage again!

Cletus!

Cletus! Don't you dare say that about Mama.

Cletus! You do have a big ass.

Close. Very close. But wrong.

Come and get it, come and get it, come and get it

Come and get your A

Come around and pay their respects.

Come on back to the party, Sherman, because Carla doesn't want you.

Come on over here.

Come on, Cletus. Come on. Come on, Cletus.

Come on, Cletus. Come on. No (BEEP) it... Come on.

Come on, come on, come on. Right there.

Come on, come on. No (BEEP) it... Come on.

Come on, now

Come on! Come on, Cletus. No.

Come on! Five!

Come on! Help me burn this stuff up!

Come on! Here we go!

Come on. Come on, Cletus!

Comfy?

Daddy, all the calories in the chicken

Damn, Daddy. You got to clean them yourself!

Damn!

Dean Richmond! Oh, hello, sir.

Did he say why he didn't call me and let me know he was all right?

Did you have a party last night?

Didn't you hear me when I say, Hey?

Disappear forever!

Do I know you?

Do I look excited, Klump?

Do un do un doo doo. Reggie?

Do you know how I know?

Do you know me?

Do you know what you did last night? You had the time of your life.

Do you know who Louise Vindovik is?

Do you know you can get arrested in ·· states

Do you realize there's a gene in your DNA

Do you think you can do Klump's job

Doesn't seem like you do.

Don't break gas and destroy our meal.

Don't hurt me now!

Don't nobody want to hear your flatulence, Cletus Klump.

Don't want to get your boogers on my fingers.

Don't worry about me. I'm just fine.

Don't you think Mr. Hartley would like to know what that means in lay terms?

Don't you walk away from me, God damn it!

Don't you worry about Buddy.

Especially two young people.

Ever.

Every night, if a nice gentleman bring me flowers and candy,

Every time he goes to Sea World, they pay him!

Every time we get depressed, we eat and eat and eat.

Every time we have a meal, you break gas.

Every time you turn it on

Everybody looking all anorexic,

Everybody wants to be the same size,

Everyone has a nice ass at this table.

Everything's getting real dark! Oh! I feel real jiggly!

Eviction notice? Violation of noise ordinance?

Exactly my point.

Excellent.

Excuse me, brother.

Excuse me, have a pleasant evening. Bye, bye!

Excuse me.

Excuse me. I'm gonna go to the rest room.

Excuse me. Pardon me. Sorry about that.

Finger food? I got a finger for them.

First time we had to use one of these without an accident.

Flattered that you've been following my work

For a new girl to get out, meet some people.

For bringing that upside down cake for him. He ate every crumb of it.

For nearly swallowing a gerbil.

For the shit you did just last night?

For years you've single handedly alienated

Friday night at 8:··

Friday night at 8:00.

Friday night. Friday, Friday, Friday, Friday night.

Friday night's perfect. The best night of the week.

Friday, Friday, Friday.

Friday, the Ritz, dinner, 8:00 sharp.

Gerbils are more streamlined

Get all the phlegm and mucus down. That's disgusting.

Get back in there!

Get it? Equator?

Get that crash cart here stat!

Get things straight with Miss Purty,

Getting together and having a good time.

GIRL 1 : Hey, Professor! Good morning.

Give it up!

Give me some sugar.

Give the ****** a chance.

Go on, fart! I hope your asshole fall out...

God damn it, I messed up my pants.

Gonna be a pop quiz on Wednesday.

Gonna get the hell out of here in a second. it's okay.

Good bye, Buddy Love. Hello, Megashake.

Good morning. Good morning, class.

Good night, Miss Purty.

Good night.

Good to see you, Son.

Good. Follow me.

Good. I'll tend to Shelley.

Got a date.

Got her a tall, young, strong gentleman named Steadman.

Got those childbearing hips.

Got to keep on trying. Got to keep on pushing.

Got to put his belt on with a boomerang.

Got you! You gonna eat that?

Gotta come from a lot of hard work and exercise and plenty of these.

GRANDMA: Get your lazy ass up.

GRANDMA: I hope you got a strong back.

GRANDMA: No, no, hold it.

GRANDMA: You lazy mother...

Great, great, great Great, great, great

GROUP: Whoo!

Guess who's back in the house.

Harlan, it's an outrage.

Harlan. Well, Richmond.

Hartley is the last rich alumnus we've got.

HARTLEY: Will you shut up!

Hartley. Damn it. And where the hell is Buddy Love?

Have a good day.

Have a seat. Oh, are these girls with you?

Have I mentioned we also have a terrific English Department?

Have you noticed that Sherman's been acting kind of strange lately?

Have you seen him today?

Have you seen Professor Klump? He's 40 minutes late.

Have you seen Sherman?

He asked me out, and he said it was your idea.

He beat up a grown man.

He go outside with a red shirt on,

He got a big announcement to make.

He has some allergic reaction.

He hasn't been misbehaving, has he?

He look like King Kong with titties.

He made you beautiful inside and out.

He must be on that new diet, Slim Slow.

He needs tweezers to take a piss!

He put ice on it and the swelling came down.

He talked to me first.

He told me that his lip swelled up,

He told me to tell you personally, please thank your wife Claire

He took all the credit for your research.

He wants to hear your grant proposal personally.

He was mean last night. lt was so unlike you.

He'll be here, the formula works, and you have the check.

He's a brilliant scientist and a gentleman as well.

He's an egotistical pig, and I wish I never met him.

He's brilliant.

He's fine.

He's getting fatter. We can't stop it.

He's gonna blow!

He's gonna explode!

He's kind of what you call

He's late for a meeting. Fill in for him.

He's never brought a girl home.

He's offering that tiny trinket that could save your entire research program.

He's quite a character, huh?

He's so strong.

He's too shy for something like that. He hates parties.

He's very handsome and athletic.

He's who I thought I wanted to be.

Hear me out. I am sorry!

Hello, Jason.

Hello, Miss Purty.

Hello, Shelley.

Her ass is so nice, don't you agree? She's worked so hard.

Her entire molecular structure has been realigned.

Here she goes. Y'all better cover your plates.

Here's an idea.

Here's the menu.

Hey, buddy, what the hell happened here?

Hey, chunky drawers! Hey, tank ass!

Hey, everyone, run for the hills! it's Fat zilla!

Hey, hey, get off the stage, man. You ain't in show business.

Hey, hey. Let's just have a meal together.

Hey, I'm the one with the gluteus minimus.

Hey, look at this white dude right here.

Hey, moneybags, you want a demonstration?

Hey, Professor Klump is here? Yeah.

Hey, Reggie! it's good!

Hey, thanks a lot, man. Thank you so much.

Hey, this is the last of it, Professor.

Hey, yeah, yeah, yeah Hey, hey

Hey!

Hey! Hey!

Hey! Kool Aid!

Hey! That's strike two.

Hey... Where you going? What's your problem?

Hi, Sherman.

Hi. I'm Carla Purty.

Hold on a minute. Let me go deal with my girl.

Homework

Honestly, yes.

Horace, good to see you. The jitterbug contest just started.

How about now? You recognize me?

How are you doing today?

How are you today, my little powder puff?

How are you?

How can I help you?

How did it happen? Was it an accident?

How's Friday?

How's that?

I admit it.

I ain't come to pay no $100 ticket to suffer this alone.

I ain't gonna be picking up your big ass all night, Anna. Shit.

I ain't gonna pay for everybody flying to no Chicago!

I ain't no easy win, ******.

I ain't paid no $100 ticket for no finger food.

I am so hungry. Hey, don't let the tears fool you.

I am the stair master!

I am thin! I am thin. Hey, man, where's the apple pie?

I am, however, going to kill you professionally.

I assure you he has no affiliation with this school.

I assure you it is not what it appears to be!

I be strokin'

I been to parties across the USA

I bet you have on a thong made of licorice, don't you?

I can go all night.

I can relate.

I can tell

I can't believe I'm so thin. I am thin. You ever feel thin?

I can't eat this. This stuff is too tiny.

I can't get full off this mess!

I can't take this shit no more.

I can't wait for Sherman to bring me home some grandbabies.

I cannot believe I came over here feeling sorry for you.

I cannot let you do this anymore!

I come over to see how things were going with you and Buddy.

I could go down to Subway, get me a sandwich for $3.

I could talk to you about you and l, for a second.

I did not say anything about breaking gas!

I didn't mean to interrupt.

I didn't say nothing about putting a hose up nobody's ass...

I didn't think you'd have me.

I do know Sherman's work. ln fact, I am Sherman's work.

I don't care what diet you go on.

I don't even know if he's all right.

I don't even know your name.

I don't know that fool.

I don't know whether to smile at you or kick a field goal.

I don't know why this is happening tonight.

I don't know.

I don't know. I'm trying to sound extra intelligent.

I don't mean that as a euphemism. I mean, I'm gonna literally kill you.

I don't mean that as a euphemism. I'm going to literally kill you.

I don't think Sherman will be coming tonight.

I don't think that's going to be a problem.

I don't think there's anything wrong with two young people

I don't wanna hear it. Shut up, please!

I don't wanna hear this shit while I'm eating.

I don't want no potatoes.

I don't want to share you with these people. I want to eat, alone, quiet.

I feel bad what happened at the club the other night.

I feel nice

I felt you percolating.

I give you Professor Buddy Love.

I got a big ass. Your mama got a big ass.

I got it! Hurry, Jason!

I got it! We don't have much time. Let's move!

I got my own self hot telling that story.

I gotta go to the drugstore and get some Benadryl and Kaopectate.

I gotta pay a $100 ticket for finger food?

I guess I was next on the list.

I guess not.

I guess you're right, Jason. I never have behaved like this before.

I had to give myself the Heimlich.

I had two titties. Now I have six. That's multiplication.

I hate this guy. I hate this guy. He is so obnoxious.

I hate to admit it, but you're absolutely right.

I have a case of infatuation of sorts with Miss Purty.

I have a check in my pocket for $10 million.

I have an appointment with love! Good night, hamster boy!

I have Chanel lipstick on my lips. An allergic reaction.

I have cheekbones! Yes! Look at my chest.

I have never seen anyone eat so much.

I haven't really messed myself.

I hope I haven't ruined everybody's evening.

I hope you fart till your asshole falls out.

I hope your ass turn into a frog.

I insisted that Buddy Love speak to Harlan Hartley.

I just got way ahead of myself.

I just had to come over and introduce myself.

I just want to spend some time with you, by ourselves.

I knew it! See, Cletus? I told you.

I knew Sherman was gonna go soft on me.

I knew that I would now

I know a wonderful minister.

I know I want you

I know it looks good, and some of y'all like pork chops,

I know that I can do no wrong

I know what healthy is.

I know what it feels like to be brushed off, and it's okay.

I know what wonder tonic you had.

I know why he like that, 'cause he drunk.

I know you won't.

I know you're going to be there and you're going to be great.

I know, I know, I know, I know

I learned that life is not about

I like Geraldo.

I locked these cages,

I looked your address up in the faculty directory. I hope you don't mind.

I lost 300 pounds in 30 seconds!

I lost ten pounds in two weeks. Thanks, Megashake.

I made a fart last week.

I mean, I messed my shirt up.

I mean, on the outside, he seems so cocky and brash.

I must've grazed the switch.

I only wish Professor Klump was here to have seen it.

I said, What's up?

I see. You sure she didn't die?

I seem to have messed myself.

I seen Oprah on Hard Copy last week.

I set up a meeting with him.

I should've never encouraged you to go out with Buddy.

I smell shit.

I still got my wedding dress. lf you want it, I'll take it in.

I stroke it to the east and I stroke it to...

I tell you it'll make you wanna bounce 2 this

I think I found where they hid Jimmy Hoffa!

I think it's wonderful, all the precious little finger foods.

I think they got the wrong idea about things.

I thought it just was... I thought a colonic was a massage.

I thought you might need this.

I thought you was gonna get angry and start screaming

I tried to be peaceful, but now it's time for Reggie

I waited all day long

I want him prepped and ready immediately. Yes, Doctor.

I want to squeeze you, tease you

I wanted to help people.

I was looking for Professor Klump.

I was trying to see how the students would respond to a teacher less environment.

I was wondering if

I was wondering if he was all right after everything

I was wondering if one night if,

I was wondering what you were doing later,

I was working on a skysc****r in Chicago once,

I was,

I was...

I wasn't gonna say nothing 'cause I like black people.

I wish I knew.

I would like to volunteer

I would never disrespect you. I'm a puppy dog.

I'm a grad student.

I'm a pony!

I'm a tooth chipper.

I'm always telling the man,

I'm an A cup. I don't need a bra anymore.

I'm divorced, and my daughter is in rehab.

I'm fine with that.

I'm fine. Why you looking for me?

I'm freaking out over here 'cause Eddie's over here saying some wild crap.

I'm getting out of here!

I'm giving him the grant. What?

I'm going to have an aneurysm.

I'm going to set up a meeting with Harlan Hartley...

I'm going to strangle you and choke off your air supply

I'm going to that alumni ball tonight, and I'm gonna reclaim my life.

I'm gonna be at the Ritz tonight, but it will not be in the interest of science.

I'm gonna come on with it. I'm gonna...

I'm gonna strangle you and cut off your air supply until you pass away!

I'm him. I'm he.

I'm kidding, I'm kidding. Your table's upstairs.

I'm not driving over to Chicago.

I'm not sure if I'm reading them correctly.

I'm not talking about using exercise or diet.

I'm not. I'm leaving.

I'm Sherman Klump.

I'm Sherman's confidante.

I'm so excited

I'm so sorry if I seemed distant tonight.

I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I want the world to know that I was late!

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. Perhaps you need the money more than I thought...

I'm sorry. You're so funny.

I'm talking about by taking a simple solution

I'm talking to you from deep down inside Buddy Love.

I'm teaching my first chemistry class across the hall.

I'm terribly sorry about all this.

I'm thin! I'm thin, I'm thin.

I'm thinking about getting me an appointment

I'm trying to watch Roseanne!

I'm watching TV!

If you not doing anything for dinner,

In the first place!

In your textbooks on genetics.

Instead of just being mine?

Is that all you gonna eat?

Is there's a right time and place for everything.

Is your ass through the seat of your pants.

It's almost like we don't see your ass no more.

IV rig coming in.

JAMES BROWN: (SINGING) Watch me

JAMES BROWN: (SINGING) Whoa, I feel good

Jason, I have such a bad hangover, I honestly do not remember.

Jason, we have seen the last of Buddy Love.

Jason, you have no idea what it feels like to be Buddy Love.

JASON: (SCREAMING) Oh, my God!

JASON: Professor,

JASON: Professor, what did you do last night?

Jenny Jones, Marilyn Kagan,

Join me for dinner. Buddy Love.

JORDAN: (SINGING) With a different type of swing, you know

Just before you said But, sir right there?

Just tell me what night.

Just to hold you in my arms

Just wanting and wanting and wanting!

Keep insulting me.

Keep those legs crossed.

Klump! Are you listening?

Klump? That fraud, that hack, that no talent.

L'd love to.

L'd throw him in the river with a Buick tied to his neck.

L'll beg you in front of all these people.

L'll break it down for the rich dummies in the room. Listen up.

L'll find him for you.

L'll go do this just 'cause you asked me, not 'cause of him.

L'll have enough cellular stability

L'll just have to forget about him. I'll see you later.

L'll let you know how to handle it,

L'll remind you we are in the vanguard of research.

L'll see you Friday night. We'll go to The Scream.

L'll see you tonight. Don't be late! Excuse me!

L'll tell you this, Jason.

L'll toss this between the crack of your ass.

L've been looking for you all morning. Are you okay?

L've been nursemaiding Hartley for three hours,

L've been real busy, Ernie.

L've been to other countries and I heard those people say

L've followed your work for many years,

L've forgotten about that. You forget, too.

L've got something that makes me wanna shout

L've got to be

L've got to be a macho

L've got to be a macho man

L've got to go be brilliant. Look at your fine self.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Ladies and gentlemen, for my final demonstration...

Ladies and gentlemen, Reggie has left the building.

Ladies and gentlemen, say goodbye to Sherman Klump!

Ladies and gentlemen... He was good.

Ladies, help me sing it

LANCE AND AUDIENCE: Yes, I can!

LANCE: (ON TV) You're not pathetic!

LANCE: Say it again.

Last night I was only trying to help,

Last time this brother felt a breast, it was in a bucket of KFC.

Learn a little every day

Lesbians is cool.

Let go of my hand, you fat mother...

Let go. That was pretty.

Let me get the room key.

Let me give you what you been waiting for

Let's do this!

Let's get a big round of applause for Reggie's mama's ass

Let's get excited

Let's get to know each other man to man.

Let's give a big round of applause for the woman with the nice ass.

Let's go. Let's go.

Let's move it. You know the routine.

Let's see what I got in the house tonight.

Letterman, Leno.

Lf anything goes wrong for any reason, I'm going to kill you.

Lf I drink 500 milliliters of formula,

Lf I drink half now and half later, that's safe.

Lf I drink it all at once, yes.

Lf I had one now...bang.

Lf I say, look at Reggie's gums and teeth.

Lf I'm gonna change my life, it's not gonna come from some magic drink.

Lf it was for the grant, the data with Shelley was already so compelling.

Lf you can prove the formula works, the ten million is ours!

Lf you don't mind, I have a date at the alumni ball,

Lf you eat nasty stuff like this...

Lf you give me a moment, I believe I can try to explain.

Lf you planned on going out to get something anyway,

Lf you're in there and you can hear me, come out!

Lf you're receiving this message, that means you went and plumped back up

Like I said, there's a right time and place for everything.

Like I was saying, everybody, where there's a will, there's a way.

Like sugar and spice

Like that Oprah Winfrey.

Like you pick somebody in the room and say, Look at your foot,

Lilo, Peabo, Lou Rawls, Teddy Pendergrass. Teddy P.

Listen to me closely. Go in the back room while I'm holding him

Listen, you pompous butt kisser.

Ln '95 we did it

Ln fact, I know you're going to be perfect.

Ln fact, we tried to have a party for Sherman when he was 1· years old

Ln my day, Sherman,

Ln the end we know so little of each other, hmm?

Ln the storage closet? Yes, Jason!

Lnitially, l... I requested a Yugo, and this is all they had...

Lnner city schools have better computers than we do.

Look at everybody sleeping because of y'all! it's show time!

Look at this. Look at this.

Look at your little purple dress.

Look like a hair full of curly fries.

Look out, David Copperfield. I'm about to make a 400 pound fat man

Look what I'm doing, Wilbur. Look at me!

Look, that comic tonight, he was...

Look. That's all muscle.

Look. Them dogs done tore up my garbage.

Lost all that weight, looking all ashy.

Love you, Mama. Love you too, baby.

Love?

Ls Professor Klump here?

Ls that a test tube in my pocket? Or am I just happy to see you?

Ls that what you did? Shame on you, Sherman!

Ls this the nice ass section?

Lsn't that like Sherman to hog all the credit?

Lsn't that something?

Lt ain't but a short walk. Come on over.

Lt is true.

Lt smelled so bad it had a chain hanging from it.

Lt was my idea to go to The Scream.

Lt'd be a lot simpler than transforming into...

Lt'll be a scream at The Scream.

Lt's a date.

Lt's a full moon tonight!

Lt's a matter of recombinant ribonucleic acids

Lt's a school rule

Lt's about Buddy.

Lt's actually reconstructed Shelley's DNA.

Lt's actually very exciting.

Lt's all good!

Lt's all right

Lt's an outrage that his brilliance

Lt's Friday night, and I feel all right

Lt's indescribable. it's just wonderful!

Lt's not like that.

Lt's not like that. We're colleagues.

Lt's nothing to be ashamed of.

Lt's show time, everybody!

Lt's so nice

Lt's strange that a man as intelligent as Sherman has no confidence whatsoever.

Lt's time we take Nestea... Plunge!

Lt's too late, fat boy. it's over!

Lt's your teeth, Reggie.

Lt's your world, dog! I'm just a squirrel trying to get a nut.

Lt's... it's a complete metabolic transformation.

Luck has nothing to do with it.

Macho, macho man

Macho, macho man Macho man

Macho! Macho! Oh!

Make you wave your hands from side to side

Makes me sick sometimes to think...

Makes the...table look more festive,

Mama, have some water.

Mama, you gonna embarrass my baby.

MAMA: Cletus!

MAMA: Do you cook? 'Cause somebody's got to feed my Sherman.

MAMA: Oh, look at my baby blushing.

MAMA: There's nothing like being with family!

MAMA: You spoiled the dinner!

MAMA: You're such a disgrace!

Man, if you ever talk to me like that again, I'll kill you!

Man, it's so small he needs tweezers to take a piss.

MAN: Montell Jordan!

MAN: Oh, my God!

MAN: We need that lV rig in now!

Mashed potatoes give me gas.

May I borrow this? You haven't used it, have you?

Maybe he loaned his house out to somebody

Maybe it's because

Maybe it's time for Reggie to talk about your mama a little bit.

Maybe you should try Jenny Craig.

Me and your grandfather was colleagues.

Me loving you and you loving me

Me, personally, I don't have that problem.

Mike Douglas. Oh, Mike Douglas.

Mind your own damn business!

Miss Purty, are you and Sherman having relations?

Miss Purty, let me tell you.

Miss Purty, people have a tendency in life

Mmm mmm.

MONTELL JORDAN: (SINGING) This is how we do it

Morning, students. Good morning!

Morning.

Morning. GIRL 2: Good morning, Professor Klump.

Morning. Good morning.

Must be some kind of mistake.

My ass is gone Now I'm slim, slim, slim

My baby's not getting married.

My calves are burning!

My cup was running low

My dick! My dick, my dick, my dick!

My goodness, it is time to take my medication.

My goodness! Damn!

My research is...

Never mind the yelling and the screaming and the firing.

Never mind.

Never mind. I do that all the time.

Never seen a brother wearing a circus tent before?

Next thing you know he's on top of me in the shed, pumping and a sweating.

****** used to be the black Pavarotti.

Nighty night. Oh, my baby.

Ninety eight, ninety nine, one hundred.

No funner time for me to kick it with you

No matter what, you got to strut.

No titties.

No titties. No titties.

No, don't tell me. Let me smell it. Punch?

No, Grandma.

No, he had to take care of some things, Miss Purty.

No, I ain't got you, yet. Should I get him?

No, I did it to myself, Jason.

No, I don't!

No, it's a nice thought, but he'd have to know Sherman's research.

No, it's quite all right, really.

No, my friend, l've got bigger fish to fry. I spoke to Harlan Hartley.

No, no, don't be ridiculous.

No, no, Jason.

No, no, no, no, no

No, no, no. Sherman, I need to talk to you now.

No, not at all.

No, sir, I'm fine.

No, sir, this is the man behind Klump's work, the real genius.

No, that's the thing. There isn't gonna be a later.

No, you don't look excited at all.

No, you don't understand.

No, you just got here. l've been waiting for you for almost an hour.

No!

No! I can't let you go.

No! Wait!

No.

Not gerbil, sir. A hamster.

Not physically, anyway.

Not that I have anything against lesbians. I love lesbians.

Not tonight, Cletus. I'll kick your ass.

Not wanting to express it.

Not you, me. I'm talking about me. My titties are gone.

Now see what you made me do?

Now we know what's eating Gilbert G****, don't we?

Now, I will lose weight, but I'm always gonna be big no matter what I do.

Now, if our files are correct,

Now, Sherman, you can wear a white tuxedo.

Now, that's fine. She's fine.

Now, wait a minute, you... You can't be you.

Now, you done talked about me enough, boy!

Number six! Yeah!

Of all nights this has got to happen to me tonight.

Oh oh oh oh now

Oh, baby, eat some bread.

Oh, boy, I'm hot!

Oh, by the way,

Oh, Carla. How are you?

Oh, Chicago! We have family there.

Oh, come on, Carla. What's the... Hey!

Oh, come on, now. Look at this.

Oh, did he? Well, I know you're new in town.

Oh, God, I'm thin! I'm thin!

Oh, Hercules, Hercules, Hercules, Hercules!

Oh, I see. Mmm hmm.

Oh, look at my little b... He's a little Hercules.

Oh, look at this. He's with a woman, too.

Oh, Lord, this has been a fabulous, wonderful, fabulous evening.

Oh, Lord. I'm gonna have to lay down in front of his car.

Oh, Mama.

Oh, man!

Oh, man! This is Freddy Krueger shit, man!

Oh, man.

Oh, Miss Purty, it tore his chunky ass up.

Oh, my God! That's a bus!

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

Oh, my goodness!

Oh, my goodness.

Oh, my goodness. I'm so late. Excuse me. I'll talk to Buddy.

Oh, my lip? Oh.

Oh, my... Hey, hey, hey. Slow down.

Oh, no

Oh, no, no, no. I love to scream.

Oh, no, not my baby.

Oh, no, you got it backwards, Rockefeller. You have one minute to listen.

Oh, no. My cleaning lady's...

Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no, no!

Oh, now, look at this white guy right here.

Oh, Officer Dagg, I'm glad you came up.

Oh, oh, my goodness! I'm so sorry. I'm sorry.

Oh, oh! Come on! Come on.

Oh, Reggie, I heard of dreadlocks, but shitlocks?

Oh, Sherman, Sherman, Sherman, Sherman, Sherman, Sherman, Sherman!

Oh, shit.

Oh, Son, listen to me.

Oh, sure thing, hamster boy.

Oh, surely, sir.

Oh, that's wonderful.

Oh, the pleasure was all mine, Miss Purty.

Oh, this is so fabulous.

Oh, well, I thought after dinner you might want to have a little group activity.

Oh, well, I was...

Oh, well, well. I'm glad you're taking it like that, sir.

Oh, with you it's always business.

Oh, yeah! Like a pony! I'm a pony!

Oh, yeah! Yeah!

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Listen, don't call me Professor.

Oh, yes. Absolutely.

Oh, you are one sick, twisted freak!

Oh, you do the same. Thank you so much. So precious.

Oh, you know you gotta, gotta, gotta close the door...

Oh, you look fabulous!

Oh, you quick, but I'm quicker.

Oh!

Oh! How dare you? Oh, you know you loved it.

Oh! I'm late for an appointment.

Oh! Jason! What?

Oh! Oh, baby, you...

Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! I'm thin! I'm thin! Look at my cheekbones!

Oh! Oh! Oh! I can't breathe!

Oh! Spandex! Like this!

Oh! Yeah, well, my car's in the shop, so...

Oh.

Oh. ERNIE: You fat. I'm muscle.

Oh. Hi, Miss Purty...

Oh. Hi. I'm sorry.

Oh. it's giving me gas, too. You have to go catch a cab.

Oh. Look, I'm a little embarrassed about the way how my place is looking.

Oh. Oh. Excuse me. Excuse me.

Oh. PROFESSOR: We just work together.

Oh... Buddy came here?

Okay, fella, what are you doing with the Professor's credit card?

On an occasion like that, you don't wanna do that alone, so...

On Sundays and special occasions.

Once you work out,

One hand on you!

Only thing you need to study is your ass.

Only white man ever did that to me was Mike Douglas.

Ooh wee And I just can't hide it

Ooh, summertime

Ooo

Oprah and Luther need to keep their ass one weight,

Or one of his buddies was throwing a party.

Or, in layman's terms, an extremely tight, wonderful ass.

P.S. l've enclosed a wallet sized photo for your enjoyment.

PAPA: God damn, Sherman,

PAPA: I stopped holding my gas a long time ago.

PAPA: We're gonna have to drive down there.

PAPA: Will you hush up?

PAPA: Windy city, huh?

People look forward to your farts.

People used to spend time with they family

People, pounds do not lose themselves!

Picked up my portfolio and turned around...

Please excuse me.

Please, can I go get this room?

Please, sit down. Not tonight. I'm your brother!

Pop goes the weasel, 'cause the weasel say pop!

Pop goes the weasel!

Popping off gas in front of this lovely young lady.

Pretty good.

Professor K, how's it going? I'm good, David.

Professor Klump, the cages, what happened?

Professor Klump?

Professor Klump. The cages. What happened?

Professor Love,

Professor Love! Where the hell have you been?

Professor, are you asking me out on a date?

Professor, I got your message. What's up?

Professor, if you feel this way about Carla, why don't you tell her?

Professor, listen to me. The testosterone levels are way too high.

Professor, we have to get to the lab right away.

Professor, we weren't here yesterday.

Professor!

Professor?

Put down that book and see what you're missing

Put that food down! They ate yesterday!

Quite.

Really?

Really? On you now? Because on behalf of... Which pocket?

Recent studies have shown that certain people

Reggie done studied on the streets. Oh! Come on!

Reggie, your breath is so stink,

REGGIE: Oh, damn!

Reggie's mama is so fat, her blood type is Rocky Road!

Reggie's mother is so fat, her belt size is equator!

Relations is a beautiful thing.

Right on schedule.

Saddlebag syndrome.

Say it again.

Say one more word, Buddy, I'll tear your arm off!

Say, Yes, I can. Say that.

Schedule. Excuse me. I'm very late.

Screaming's good for you. Cleans the epiglottis.

See what we got in here tonight. Oh, my God!

See, l've done some calculations of my own.

See, right back there,

See, she was a lovely woman,

See? Everybody knows Buddy.

She doesn't look well.

She lost 20% of her body fat in one feeding.

She made a meal

She might be my mate

She wants me. Me, not you.

She went to Sizzler's, and the bitch got a group discount.

She's a lovely woman

She's lost three ounces since the last feed?

She's my favorite out of all of them.

She's unbe weave able. Look at this.

Shelley, you've been the guinea pig long enough.

Shelley's the only one that didn't get out.

Sherman didn't tell you about me?

Sherman is gone! Disappeared!

Sherman,

Sherman, come back here! Sherman!

Sherman, don't do this! You need me!

Sherman, I cooked all this food.

Sherman, I think I do remember

Sherman, is that you? Are you all right?

Sherman, no matter what, you've got to strut.

Sherman, Sherman Klump.

Sherman, Sherman, Sherman.

Sherman, wait a minute.

Sherman, what's wrong with you?

Sherman, why did you lie to me?

Sherman, you are a brilliant man.

Sherman, you are absolutely amazing.

Sherman, you have been so sweet.

Sherman!

Sherman! I brought you some nice fried chicken, Sherman.

Sherman! No matter what!

Sherman! Sherman! You can't beat me!

Sherman?

Sherman's 35 years old! What you talking about he's your baby?

Sherman's business? That's my business. Sherman is my baby.

Should we call and make sure there's going to be enough food?

Show me your muscles again.

Show time!

Shut up!

Shut up! I'm hungry!

Since I'll be watching you. Now go.

Sir, l'd like to concentrate on the positives.

Sir, this is incredible.

Sir, you can't control him.

Sir?

Six T bones, five baked potatoes and two servings of creamed spinach.

So am l!

So am l.

So by all means, do just that.

So come join me because you can't beat me.

So everybody bounce 2 this

So give yourselves a big hug and say, Yes, I can! Do that for me...

So handsome.

So he had you talk to me because he's not interested anymore.

So I reached for my 40 and I turned it up...

So I'm running this thing here.

So pass the yellow Z and hold on now

So show a little school spirit and see that he gets it.

So we should be in gorgeous surroundings.

So what's this?

So you put a $47,000 luxury car on your faculty account.

So you're saying our files are not correct.

So, anybody I wind up with is just going to have to accept me for who I am.

So, as Arsenio used to say, Let's get busy!

Some Buddy is right.

Somebody better call an exorcist!

Somebody talking about lose weight, get healthy.

Somebody's sandwich flying off a building.

Someday we might even find a cure.

Someone has to tend to chunky butt's sex life.

Something about getting it all off his chest.

Something for the honeys

Something that you got to do

Sometimes when I'm alone, I relate to myself.

Sorry about that down there, Mr. Wilson!

Sorry about that, ma'am. Let me pick that up for you.

Sorry about that. Excuse me.

Sorry about that. Excuse me. Excuse me!

Sorry I haven't phoned, but I haven't been myself lately.

Spandex! All Spandex! Where's the Spandex section?

Still hungry?

Students, we got a lot of work to do

Take a break, ****** ace.

Take me to a movie, show me a lovely evening,

Take the Everly Brothers with you. Get out of here!

Talking about that's healthy.

Teacher less environment? New field of research for you?

Teddy P turned up a little loud.

Thank you for being such a good friend to me.

Thank you so... Oh, please, please, come on now.

Thank you, Mrs. Klump.

Thank you, Officer Dagg. Thank you.

Thank you.

Thanks for dinner, Mama.

Thanks, man. Too much!

Thanks, Megashake!

That blowhole.

That brought us so much joy tonight.

That can wreak havoc on a man's sex life.

That guy gave you this credit card?

That happens every time l...

That helps reconstruct your metabolic cellular strands,

That is most peculiar, Jason,

That routes this straight to your fat cells,

That the bitch gets her toenails painted at Earl Scheib!

That was amazing. I can't believe you did that.

That was before she was hospitalized

That was the end of the meeting.

That would be so great

That's a hell of a trick.

That's anotherjoke.

That's been built up for 35 years.

That's fantastic!

That's funny shit. You're on your way!

That's genius.

That's good, Klump. Let me know your results.

That's how it start out colleagues.

That's it. I'm glad I brought my knife.

That's not his credit card. Hey!

That's over. Go have a nice day.

That's right. The glove's coming off.

That's the only reason he asked me out.

That's true. Women do shop.

That's why I found him and brought him to your money.

The arm is taking on a gelatin sort of vibe. it's quite nasty.

The bitch need a Thomas Guide to find her asshole!

The class left 20 minutes ago.

The genetics wing.

The guys and I All the gang bangers

The least you can do is let us talk to her.

The male hamster's scrotum has a tendency

The most helpful

The most wonderful kiss l've ever...

The only thing about to break through

The party's here on the west side

The professor must have got a little carried away last night.

The Scream? I mean, if that's too...

The table's more colorful and...

The way people talk to him and treat him, and the way she looks at him.

The way you have.

The yellow and green and purple rolling around.

Then at the end, you feel just like that bag. Empty inside.

Then I would take him home and give him hot, lovely relations.

There ain't nothing wrong with Oprah.

There he is, right there.

There is a thin person inside each and every one of us!

There is a way we can turn these genes off.

There you go again,

There's a place my students go to called The Scream?

There's a pop quiz. Pop quiz.

There's a scratch in your ass.

There's Carla. I wonder if she's seen Sherman. Carla!

There's nothing wrong with a little bingo.

They can visualize your mother in a barn with Mister Ed.

They can't see me with your head there.

They gonna think we twins.

They say anticipation helps make the appetite grow stronger.

They say everyone should have one.

They were wonderful.

Thighmaster Plus is designed to give you better results quicker.

Think I care if these people are watching?

This ain't no ball!

This ain't no party! RICHMOND: Dr. Love!

This equation shall be, I promise you,

This guy's testosterone levels are right off the charts.

This has got to stop!

This is all my fault.

This is called Kick Your Ass Style, boy.

This is nuts!

This is our moment. I don't wanna ruin it with talks of Sherman.

This is our science department.

This is some scary shit!

This man is trying to kill Professor Sherman Klump!

This morning, I weighed 400 pounds!

This young lady is suffering from what I like to call Tank ass.

Those National Rifle people are right.

Throughout the course of your studies,

Thus giving you the appearance of,

Till Friday, then.

To a very special lady in the house tonight.

To be disproportionately...

To be rid of Sherman's ass forever!

To have and use it.

To help fund our science department.

To karatasize your ass!

To make fun of you? Why do we do this to ourselves?

To my extreme left,

To my immediate left, this woman is suffering from what we like to call,

To my left, this gentleman has turkey neck.

To spend time with your family every now and then?

To take this old bird out of her misery.

To your usual, fat, sorry, stuff my face till I'm almost dead self.

TOGETHER: That's a good question.

Tootsie Roll! Get your tootsie!

Tradition. Tradition, my ass!

Tweezers on his dick!

Two, one...

Uh oh.

Unless, of course, they're looking for teachers on Planet Fat.

Unzipped by a radioactive guanine peptide.

Wait! Wait!

Wait. Hold it.

Was the picture of health.

Wasn't nothing wrong with her. She was fine. Oprah was a fox!

Watch me. I got it, watch me

Watch my feet. Come on with it!

Way to go, Son! That's my boy!

We agreed that you wouldn't do this.

We can go any place you wanna go. Just name it. We'll go there.

We do what we can, you know?

We just can't hide it

We need the EKG cart in here now.

We need to go to The Scream tonight, have a couple of drinks

We should be concentrating on getting the grant proposal to Harlan Hartley.

We went out last night. lt was great. We had such a wonderful time.

We'd love to have you over for dinner.

We'd love to have you, if you want to come over for dinner.

We'll have a good time, baby, don't you worry

We'll keep the feedings as scheduled.

We're all different.

We're trying to have a meal. Put that brake on this gas.

We've lost so much money, red is our school color.

Welcome to your education

Well, did he even ask about me?

Well, I guess I'll leave.

Well, I must admit, it didn't seem like the Sherman I knew.

Well, I told you!

Well, I'll be damned! I can see my dick!

Well, I'll be damned.

Well, I'm glad we did this, Sherman.

Well, Mrs. Klump, I hope you have a wonderful evening.

Well, Professor Klump,

Well, sir, I think that's a wonderful idea, sir. Absolutely.

Well, the good news is I'm not going to kill you,

Well, then feast your eyes on this.

Well, then, review the day before, and tomorrow we'll do today.

Well, this had better be Professor Klump.

Well, when I started out l...

Well...

What are you doing here?

What are you eating? Mu·in? Strudel? Put it down. Let me talk to you.

What are you talking about? Oh, you think that... Oh!

What can I do for you?

What DNA is composed of,

What does that mean?

What has gotten into you, and where is Sherman?

What I did was wrong.

What if we upped the dosage?

What is a weave exactly? Huh?

What kind of lipstick do you have on?

What makes you so sure that the money is ours,

What religious background are you?

What style is that?

What the hell? My goodness!

What would you do for a Klondike bar?

What you talking about, covering your plates?

What you think a colonic is?

What's going on?

What's happening to me?

What's that? Oh, yeah, it's my style, boy.

What's the matter with you?

What's up, ******?

What's up?

What's wrong with y'all?

Whatever it is, is gonna have to wait until later.

When did you marry Sharon Stone?

When I hold you in my arms

When l'd watch his show.

When the good Lord made you,

When you get all that man, and release all that

When you weren't busy.

Where all the calories is?

Where is he?

Where'd you find this man?

Where'd you get it?

Where's your Professor Buddy Love?

Who is sucking whose titties over here?

Who might be staying for a while.

Who so generously donates money

Who that called my name?

Who you think you're talking to, Sherman Klump?

Who?

Whoa!

Why are you trying to destroy my school?

Why don't I clean up and get back at you later?

Why is it the woman always gets the choice where they're gonna be married?

Why, thank you. Thank you very much.

Will you guys just chill? He said he could handle all three of us.

With a name like Buddy Love, I bet he can.

WOMAN: Professor Klump?

WOMAN: Where's Buddy?

Women be shopping, baby.

Women be shopping!

Would another time be better? I could always...

Would you mind explaining this?

Would you, now?

Wow, these are great seats, Professor.

Y'all give it up for my man, Reggie Warrington!

Y'all gotta get y'all some peach cobbler up in here!

Yeah, bounce 2 this

Yeah, hey, hey, yeah

Yeah, I called you if your name is...

Yeah, I figure your fat ass would remember

Yeah, I know a wonderful church down there on Main Street,

Yeah, it's so right

Yeah, l'd like to get to know her a little better myself.

Yeah, man, I bet I cut his fat ass open, it'd bleed chocolate milk.

Yeah, see you next week now.

Yeah, that's a good one there.

Yeah, where's Sherman at?

Yeah!

Yeah! Hey, this is going down to Mr. Wilson downstairs!

Yeah! That's a big ass.

Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah. Okay, all right, now. That's it. You got me.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yes, he is. Sherman called me and told me make sure we was here.

Yes, I can!

Yes, I can.

Yes, I hope nothing's wrong with Oprah.

Yes, I would.

Yes, sir.

Yes, sir. Yes.

Yes! I'm so glad to hear you say that.

Yes? Yes.

Yes.

Yes. Yes, I am.

You ain't gotta protect me from Cletus. Come on, Cletus.

You almost killed me, man!

You and your fabulous wife have a terrific daughter.

You are just as sick as Buddy, and I don't wanna see you or him again!

You are so lucky to stay so thin.

You are special.

You are too fine to be giving me curbside service.

You can do anything, Sherman.

You can eat anything you want.

You can sew up your stomach and your asshole,

You can talk about putting a tube in somebody's ass,

You can talk to me about anything. I want you to.

You can't control him.

You can't stop a woman from shopping, baby!

You cannot stop a woman from shopping.

You cannot tell me he ain't got a small jimmie.

You caught me in the middle of a little step aerobics I was doing out here.

You caught me in the middle of an experiment I was doing.

You cheap bastard.

You damn right, hamster boy.

You did want to see me about something, didn't you, sir?

You did? Why?

You didn't hurt yourself, did you?

You didn't know Reggie studied.

You do just about anything to get it.

You do the same, Miss Purty.

You don't go get up in Sherman's business. That's Sherman's business.

You drink that much formula at one time and it will kill you!

You fat ass!

You get a little hungry, you might want to, you know...

You go to the store and buy those little candy bars in the bag,

You go, sugar

You going to the top! You're the next Lenny Bruce!

You gonna always be fat.

You gonna get married here, or in Chicago?

You gonna limp back.

You got me burning up

You got more crack than Harlem. Look at that!

You got to suck in your gut and strut.

You have a date? Good luck, Professor.

You have a pleasant day.

You have a pleasant evening.

You have a pleasant evening. Good night.

You have one minute to show me your research.

You have to excuse my handwriting. I'm in a bit of a rush.

You have to work, work, work! Everybody, up! Come on! Up!

You just don't know when to quit, do you?

You just gotta get down with the right equation

You just stay put.

You know how I did it? One sip.

You know how much plane tickets cost?

You know one thing I couldn't stand about that Buddy?

You know Sherman's research? Who are you?

You know what you need to do?

You know where that come from? Watching that damn TV.

You know, Cletus, I think something's going on between her and Sherman.

You know, I did feel that.

You know, I feel the exact same way about you, Miss Purty.

You know, your eyes, there's something very familiar about them,

You make it hard, long soft, short

You may want to look at the latest test results.

You mess around

You might say I'm a visiting professor

You mind waiting for the punch line first, brother?

You must be crazy to think I'm gonna eat this...

You need me! I taught you to be confident! You needed me, Sherman!

You need to go down to the laboratory

You owe me an apology? Yes.

You really care for Buddy, huh?

You rotten.

You said you were taking me to dinner.

You see, I'm hear to announce this song of a bounce

You see, Miss Purty,

You should've seen me. Look at me now.

You snapping on me?

You students just review what we went over yesterday.

You students take care of this. Excuse me.

You supposed to eat that, not scalp it.

You sure you're all right with that?

You the one that brought up colon cleansing!

You think you run your asshole by the car wash?

You think you too good

You too at home! Everybody up and say,

You tricked him!

You wanna boogie

You want to do fat jokes? All right.

You want your colon cleansed? I'm gonna clean mine.

You'd look so lovely in it. it's white though.

You'll walk over, but you're limping back.

You're choking the baby.

You're getting on my damn nerves!

You're gonna be mad at yourself.

You're gorgeous and I'm gorgeous,

You're just too feisty and too fine. Me and you need to hook up.

You're no better than he is!

You're not only fired from this institution,

You're so funny the way you take a person's personal defects

You're so handsome.

You're the man, Reggie!

You're the reason everybody falling asleep.

You're welcome.

Your Buddy Love has till midnight to prove that formula works.

Your family got any money? I ain't paying for no big ass wedding.

Your lip. What?

Your metabolism starts to speed up,

Your mother is so fat, she fell in the Grand Canyon and got stuck!

Your mother's so fat,

Your problem is, you don't work out.

Your research.

Your titties are lovely. What's your name?

Yourjob depends upon it.

Yup.

25N times C.

...really tight and say, Yes, I can.

...you've seen him on Def Comedy Jam many times.

'cause I'm confused.

'Cause if you're not perfect,

'cause the family gonna get together.

'Cause you know Sherman,

(ALARM BEEPING)

(ALARM BEEPING) Oh, my God!

(ALL CHANTING) The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire

(ALL CHATTERING)

(ALL LAUGHING)

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING UPROARIOUSLY)

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) You... You go too far with the comedy.

(BALLAD PLAYING ON SOUND SYSTEM)

(BEEPING CONTINUES)

(BEEPING)

(BELCHES)

(BELL TOLLING)

(BIG BAND PLAYS lN THE MOOD)

(BLOWER ENGINE STARTS)

(BONES CRACK)

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(BREATHING SHARPLY)

(BUDDY CACKLING)

(BUDDY CHEERING) Yeah!

(BUDDY LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY)

(BUDDY LAUGHS) Yes, I can.

(CANS CLATTERING)

(CANS CRUNCHING)

(CARLA SCREAMING)

(CHANTING) The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire

(CHATTERING CONTINUES)

(CHUCKLING NERVOUSLY) No!

(CHUCKLING)

(CHUCKLING) Come on.

(CHUCKLING) Mr. Klump.

(CHUCKLING) Yeah, I guess I tore this one up, huh?

(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)

(CLEARS THROAT AND COUGHS)

(CLEARS THROAT AND GRUNTS)

(CLEARS THROAT)

(CLEARS THROAT) Baby'll pop right out.

(CLOCK BELL STRIKING)

(CONTINUES FARTING)

(CONTINUES GRUNTING)

(CONTINUES MUTTERING) Gonna scream.

(COUGHING)

(CREW LAUGHING)

(CREW LAUGHING) What? What film is this?

(CROWD APPLAUDING AND CHEERING)

(DISCO MUSIC PLAYING)

(DOG HOWLING)

(DOOR CLOSES)

(DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES)

(DOOR OPENS) Buddy.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)

(ELECTRONIC SNORTING) Come on, let's go! Do it! Come on!

(ERNIE JR. CONTINUES LAUGHING)

(ERNIE JR. LAUGHING) PAPA: Say one more word.

(EXCLAIMS) Might make your head blow off.

(FARTING) Oh, my Lord!

(GASPING AND PANTING)

(GASPING)

(GASPING) I can't breathe!

(GASPING) it's me, Sherman.

(GASPS)

(GROANING AND MOANING)

(GROANING)

(GROANS)

(GRUNTING AND GAGGING) Give it up, fat boy! it's over!

(GRUNTING CONTINUES)

(GRUNTING)

(GUESTS GASPING)

(GUESTS WHOOPING)

(GULPING)

(GUM BALLS SCATTERING)

(HOOTING AND CHEERING)

(HOWLING)

(HYSTERICAL LAUGHING)

(JASON GROANS)

(KARATE YELL)

(KARATE YELLS)

(KEYBOARD KEYS CLICKING)

(LAUGHING) Don't start. Do it again.

(LAUGHING) Excuse me.

(LAUGHING) Hey, little Hercules, you want some more coleslaw?

(LAUGHING) Light as a feather tonight. Come on, bump me.

(LAUGHING) Oh! You're supposed to say, Excuse me.

(LAUGHING) We ain't ready for you yet. Now what were you saying?

(LAUGHING) Whoo! Oh, Sherman, Sherman.

(LAUGHS)

(lMITATING BOOMERANG)

(lN PROFESSOR'S VOICE) lt ain't over till the fat professor sings!

(lN PROFESSOR'S VOICE) That kiss was probably

(lN PROFESSOR'S VOICE) there comes a time in a man's life

(lN PROFESSOR'S VOICE) to always want to rush into things.

(lN PROFESSOR'S VOICE) Tonight would be a good time.

(lN REGULAR VOICE) What I'm trying to say

(LOUD BELCH)

(LOUD CRASHING)

(LOUD FART)

(LOUDER LAUGHTER)

(LUSH ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYING ON TV)

(MACHO MAN PLAYING)

(MAKES POPPING SOUND)

(MAMA KLUMP LAUGHS)

(MOANING)

(MUFFLED) I can't talk.

(MUMBLING) Hello.

(MURMURING BABY TALK)

(MUSIC CONTINUES lNDISTINCTLY)

(MUSIC CONTINUES) I'm vogueing! You can vogue!

(MUSIC CONTINUES) One! Two! This is my favorite exercise!

(MUTTERING)

(MUTTERING) Grandma, you spit on me.

(MUTTERING) What the hell...

(MUTTERING) Yeah, Friday night at The Scream.

(NEIGHING LUSTILY)

(ON STEREO) Oh oh oh oh oh Oh oh oh oh oh

(PANTING) I'm blubbifying! Sherman!

(PEOPLE SCREAMING)

(PIANO PLAYING)

(POUNDING ON DOOR) No, Professor!

(PROFESSOR BURPING)

(RUMBLING)

(RUSTLING AND SQUEAKING)

(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)

(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)

(SCHOOL BELL RINGS) it's been a pleasure meeting you.

(SCREAMING CONTINUES)

(SCREAMING IN FART WIND)

(SCREAMING)

(SCREAMS)

(SHOUTING) I'm thin! I'm thin!

(SIGHS)

(SINGING ALONG) Close the door

(SINGING CONTINUES) Maury Povich.

(SINGING) Amazing grace

(SINGING) I got myself a date

(SINGING) Lovin' you is easy, 'cause you're beautiful

(SINGING) Nothing but air there Nothing but air there

(SINGING) Sherman gonna have relations

(SINGING) We're in the money

(SIREN WAILING)

(SLOSHING)

(SNIFFING AND SMACKING LIPS)

(SOBBING CONTINUES)

(SOBBING)

(SOBBING) Don't you?

(SOBBING) Yes, we can.

(SPITTING)

(STOMPING) PROFESSOR AND AUDIENCE: Yes, I can! Yes, I can! Yes...

(STRAINING) Let go! Let go!

(STUDENTS GASPING AND CHATTERING)

(WATCH ALARM BEEPING)

(WHEEZING)

(WHISPERING) I'm gonna kill you later.

(WHISPERING) I'm sorry.

(WHISPERING) Sherman has never had relations.

(WHISTLING)

(WHOOPING)

(WHOOPS)

(WOMAN SCREAMS) Nurse!

(WOMAN SOBBING) it's okay. it's all right. Just get it all out.

(YELLING)

(YELLS)

The Nutty Professor (1996)
The Nutty Professor (1996) is a hilarious comedy film directed by Tom Shadyac. Starring the incredibly versatile Eddie Murphy, this movie follows the story of Sherman Klump, a brilliant but socially awkward professor and his alter ego, the suave and slim Buddy Love. As Sherman struggles with his weight and self-esteem, he invents a miraculous weight-loss formula that transforms him into a charismatic ladies' man. Alongside Murphy, this film features Jada Pinkett Smith as Carla Purty, Sherman's love interest, and James Coburn as Dean Richmond, the university dean. With its comedic brilliance and thought-provoking themes, The Nutty Professor became a beloved cult classic. If you want to relive the laughs and download these sounds, you can find it readily available for plays and downloads.
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