♯ Spaceballs (1987) Soundboard

A Druish princess.

A hundred thousand space bucks... by tomorrow?!

A hundred thousand?

A million?! That's unfair.

A power known throughout the universe

Abandon ship! Abandon ship!

Abandon ship! All personnel proceed to escape pods.

Adorable.

Ah, Planet Druidia.

Ah, what a pity.

Ah! And he doesn't do it for you, huh?

All I got was this. It was around my neck.

All right, hands up. You're under arrest for illegal parking.

All right, I'll pay it. Only find her, save her.

All right, I'll take a shot at it. What the hell, it works on "Star Trek".

All right, King. You just made a deal.

All right, let's all just get some sleep. We gotta get moving before dawn.

All right, people. It's magic time.

All right, wait a minute, Barf. Put it down.

All right. Give it to me.

All right. I'll try.

All rise in the presence of Dark Helmet.

And beat the shit out of us, too!

And blow the air back on to the planet.

And change the combination on my luggage.

And here. Just in case you get hungry.

And his sidekick, Puke.

And I can't live without it!

And I don't mean your pals in the Winnebago.

And I have both. And you know it.

And I see your Schwartz is as big as mine.

And if it's at all possible, try to save the car.

And look at this insignia. It's a "Y".

And Lord Helmet is awaiting you there.

And may the Schwartz be with youuuuu!

And the creeps:

And then Harry began feeling around on all the trees.

And three of us. And I'm the president.

And under the air shield 10,000 years of fresh air.

And we aren't gonna get very far once that blazing sun gets overhead.

And we said "Harry, how can you tell?" He said "From the bark, you dummy!"

And you, too. Oh! Argh!

And you're always right.

And, furthermore, I want this pigsty cleaned up.

And, little Vespa, here's someone else who's happy to see you.

And, Yogurt...

Anything to drink? Hey, watch where you stick that thing!

Are you all right, Mr President?

Are you all right, my dear? You look a little... flighty.

As all of the air is transferred from your planet... to ours.

As president of Planet Spaceball, I can assure both you and your viewers

Attention, attention Section C scanners, report

Attention, this is Colonel Sandurz in forward command. Abandon ship!

Because good is dumb.

Before you die, there is something you should know about us, Lone Starr.

Besides, he's got a sexy voice. He might be cute.

Besides, I'm already numero uno on Dark Helmet's hit list.

Bingo! There it is.

Bring this guy some Pepto Bismol!

Buckle up back there, we're going into... hyperactive.

Bullshit!

But all for naught.

But if I must, then I must. May the best man win.

But not to the pay ee.

But you could've married him for your father, then had a headache for 25 years.

But you don't know what it means? Here's what it means.

But you're gonna pay it

But, Daddy?

But, sir, don't you have the Schwartz, too?

But, Yogurt, what is this place? What is it that you do here?

Called me an idiot? I'm goin' back there and explain a few things to her.

Can we talk?

Cancellation button? Hurry!

Captain, we've got them.

Care for some?

Careful, you idiot! I said across her nose, not up it!

Close all shops in the mall. Cancel the three ring circus.

Close down the circus. Evacuate the zoo.

Come ba...

Come back, you fat, bearded bitch!

Come on, concentrate. Here we go.

Come on, Schwartz.

Come on, Schwartz. Come on, Schwartz!

Come on.

Come on. I think we better follow 'em.

Come to me

Come, darling.

Come! Walk this way! Take a look.

Coming up: Pongo's review of "Rocky V"

Concentrate.

Congrats, boss. We did it. They must've overshot us by a week.

Corporal, get me the video cassette of "Spaceballs: The Movie".

Counting down.

Cute! I know these space bums. They're all alike.

Daddy!

Daddy! Is it really you?

Daddy?

Dear me, what are those things coming out of her nose?

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here on this most joyous occasion

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here together...

Did I miss something?

Did you hear me? Anything!

Did you hear that? Pizza kicked the bucket.

Didn't the monks say who your parents were?

Do something!

Don't be disappointed. Back to your Schwartz training.

Don't be ridiculous!

Don't move, or you're dead. Stand up!

Don't worry about me, Father. I'm completely over him.

Don't worry, boss. We'll get her back.

Don't worry. I'll get you there.

Dot Matrix!

Dot!

Dr Phillip Schlotkin.

Dr Schlotkin will give your daughter back

DRUIDIA.

Dump the matched luggage!

Evidently, the notorious gangster became locked in his car and ate himself to death.

Famed half man, half pizza...

Fasten all seat belts. Seal all entrances and exits.

Find them!

Fine, fine, no thanks to you.

Five minutes to magic time.

Five.

Follow my voice

Fooled you.

Forget the ring The ring is bupkis

Funny, she doesn't look Druish.

Gee, I hope she didn't forget anything.

Gimme paw!

Give me the ring. Give me the ring, quick!

Glad, glad, glad, glad, glad.

Go left. Right! I mean right! Whoa!

Going right past the altar, heading down the ramp, and out the door!

Good work. Uh oh, more ping pongs! Run for it.

Good, good! She's almost in our grasp.

Good, yeah. One, two, three, go!

Good.

Good. Fire a warning shot across her nose.

Good. I'm taking her in.

Good. Prepare to attack.

Goodbye, little Vespa.

Goodbye.

Great beasties! His head!

Great! Now we can take every last breath of fresh air from Planet Druidia.

Hail, Skroob!

Handprint identification, please.

Handprint.

Have you found them yet?

He didn't take the million.

He got the upside, I got the downside. Each Schwartz has two sides.

He just took 248 space bucks for lunch, gas and tolls.

He's my cousin.

He's right. Let's go.

Head back this way and make us all dead.

Hello, Vinnie. What do you want?

Helmet, you fiend! What's going on? What are you doing to my daughter?

Helmet!

Her old nose!

Her Royal Highness's matched luggage!

Her Royal Highness's matched luggage.

Here, let me take a look.

Here, let me take a...

Here, sir, here. Let me help you, sir.

Hey, boss, how'd you do that?

Hey, come back! That's my pod! No!

Hey, hey, watch my helmet.

Hey, I don't have to put up with this.

Hey, I'm a prince.

Hey, stop looking up my can.

Hey, that's my escape pod. Who are you?

Hey, those are the guys that stole our uniforms!

Hey, wait! You forgot to get married.

Hey, you can't park here!

Hold on, sir. We'll try to reverse the beam.

Holy shit!

Hot! Too hot!

How about you?

How dare you speak to me that way!

How dare you, you insolent peasant!

How do I know you're not making faces at me under that?

How many Assholes we got on this ship anyhow?

How they gonna get the air out? I don't see any hoses.

Huh! Didn't even stay for the wedding. Just grabbed his million bucks and ran.

Huh?

Huh? Oh, look, it's got a mind of its own, sweetheart. I can't do a thing with it.

Hurry, Daddy! Hurry!

I already called him, sir. He knows everything.

I am Princess Vespa. Daughter of Roland, King of the Druids.

I am the keeper of a greater magic.

I am your father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate.

I can't believe it. The Schwartz is working!

I can't believe you refused the money. But we could've stayed for food. I'm starving.

I can't breathe in this thing!

I can't seem to find Druidia.

I can't. I lost the ring.

I can't. It's irreversible.

I can't... I can't go any further.

I could be perfectly happy the rest of my life without...

I could have carried two or three of these.

I don't know about that beaming stuff. Is it safe?

I don't know how the hell we're gonna do it.

I don't know what to do. I can't make decisions. I'm a president!

I don't know, sir. They must have hyper jets.

I don't love him.

I found it in a Cracker Jack box

I got an idea!

I got it at a good price. I paid cash.

I got no more left.

I got the space soup or the space special.

I guess so.

I hate yogurt! Even with strawberries.

I have an urgent message from Lord Helmet. He's lost the princess.

I hear you. I hear you. Where are you?

I knew it would work.

I knew it. I'm surrounded by Assholes.

I know now that I must learn to live without... love.

I realise now that love is one luxury a princess cannot afford.

I really must go back.

I see it all now. Don't you see he loves me?

I shouldn't have run away.

I suppose. Well, oh, I don't know.

I think we get outta here now while the going's good!

I thought I'd never see you again. Oh, my sweet little daughter.

I told you never to call me on this wall! This is an unlisted wall.

I was saying, do you realise what you've done?

I will not be rescued in such filth.

I wonder if she's glad.

I wonder... Will we ever see each other again?

I wouldn't.

I'll always call you first. It'll never happen again. Never, ever!

I'll call Spaceball City and notify President Skroob.

I'll handle this personally.

I'll have the cleavage. Uh, the special.

I'll just throw on your audio. That way they won't see you.

I'll miss your new nose, but I will not tell him the combination, no matter what.

I'll never forget you.

I'll tell. I'll tell.

I'm a mog. Half man, half dog. I'm my own best friend.

I'm a prince! Which means...

I'm a princess and I have to marry a prince.

I'm breathing.

I'm rich.

I'm scared.

I'm sick of this. I don't care who it is, but I'm gonna marry somebody today.

I'm so excited, I couldn't hold my oil.

I'm so happy that you're home and safe.

I'm sorry, it's the hair.

I'm sorry, sir. There must have been a micro converter malfunction.

I'm sorry, Vespa. He's the last prince left in the galaxy.

I'm sorry!

I'm the bearded lady. What are you, one of the freaks?

I'm trying to conduct a wedding here, which has nothing to do with love. Quiet.

I've taken it to every wise man in the universe. Nobody can tell me what it says.

If there's one thing I despise, it is a fair fight.

If you do not give me the combination to the air shield,

If you insist.

If you wanna stop her marrying Sleeping Beauty,

In the bonds of holy matrimony.

Is gonna send out for you.

Is he all right?

Is that you, Mylar?

It was her Sweet 16 present.

It was wonderful.

It'll be dark soon, so I suggest we find a place to camp.

It's a big mystery. None of the wise men could tell me what it means.

It's a royal birth certificate. Yes!

It's a Transformer!

It's beautiful.

It's closing!

It's coming from somewhere... down

It's down here where the shoulder meets the neck.

It's either the Fourth of July, or someone's trying to kill us!

It's her!

It's just that we've got this thing about death. It's not us.

It's Megamaid.

It's my industrial strength hair dryer.

It's not just a spaceship.

It's programmed to go off before you do.

It's right below us.

It's right there.

It's what he wants.

It's your last chance to push the cancellation button.

Just stop this thing! I order you!

Keep firing, Assholes!

Keep searching.

Keep your seat belts on. You OK, Princess?

King Roland to Lone Starr! King Roland to Lone Starr! Are you there?

Last, but not least. "Spaceballs" The doll.

Launch all escape pods once they are filled.

Let's blow this joint.

Let's go, Arnold. Come, Gretchen. Of course I'll still have to bill you for this.

Like my raincoat.

Listen! On this ship, I don't take orders, I give 'em.

Listen! We're not just doing this for money.

Loch Lomond.

Lock one. Lock two. Lock three.

Lone Starr, you know that medallion that you wear,

Lone Starr, you're doing it!

Lone Starr, you've got to help me. My daughter's being attacked by Spaceballs.

Look, it's Spaceball One.

Look, Your Highness, it's not that we're afraid.

Looks like a Winnebago with wings. Jeez.

Lord Helmet has just notified us that Princess Vespa is in sight.

Ludicrous speed! Go!

Make way for Dark Helmet.

May I make a suggestion? Any minute the Spaceballs will make a U turn,

May the Schwartz be with you

Me.

Megamaid.

Merchandising! Merchandising!

Merchandising. Come, I'll show you.

Metamorphosis completed, sir.

Must go on!

Must go on.

Must go on...

My brains... are going into my feet.

My cousin Prince Murray has a dealership. He was very nice to me.

My hair! He shot my hair.

My pleasure.

My... little...

Nah.

Never have that damn thing down in front of me!

Never underestimate the power of the Schwartz!

Nice dissolve.

No way! You forgot late charges,

No, he doesn't do it for me.

No, I didn't see you playing with your dolls.

No, it's not what you think. It's much, much worse.

No, Lord Helmet. They're still not on the scanner.

No, no, no, go past this. Past this part. In fact, never play this again.

No, no, no, no, no, no. It's not what I want.

No, no, no, no! No, no!

No, no, no, stupid. You got it much too high.

No, no. I gotta have it by tomorrow.

No, sir. We call it... Mr Coffee.

No, that's my name. Barf.

No, Vespa, don't!

No, we were lost. None of us knew where we were.

No, you idiot! Where'd you learn how to fly?

No!

No! No! Please, leave me alone. No, you are mine.

No! Wait! Wait!

No! Yes! No! Yes!

No! You said that three dunes ago.

No.

No. The Schwartz.

Nobody talks to me that way. Nobody!

Nobody!

Normally I'd... Ooh! That's gonna leave a mark.

Not a thing, sir.

Not again.

Not exactly over, sir. Uh, m m more to the side.

Not in here, mister. This is a Mercedes.

Not so fast, Helmet. Lone Starr!

Not so fast, Lone Starr.

Nothing yet, sir.

Now hear this! The minute we get outta here the first thing we do is

Now hear this. Ludicrous speed!

Now let's see how well you handle it.

Now she is mine.

Now that I have my coffee, I'm ready to watch radar.

Now we don't have to pay him the million. We can keep it for ourselves.

Now we will show her who is in charge of this galaxy.

Now you are going to die. Psst!

Now you hear this, whoever you are.

Now, commence Operation

Now, listen, you royal...

Now, listen, you...

Now, Princess Vespa, at last we are alone.

Now. You're looking at now. Everything that happens now is happening now.

Oh oh, I think we woke it up.

Oh, hello.

Oh, if only your mother were alive to see this day.

Oh, leave me alone. No, kiss me! No! No! Yes! No!

Oh, look at that. You fell for that, too. I can't believe it, man.

Oh, matched luggage, huh? What's she think this is, a Princess Cruise?

Oh, my gosh.

Oh, no, I hate you. Leave me alone.

Oh, no.

Oh, no. Spaceballs. And they've got her in their magnetic beam.

Oh, oh! Oh!

Oh, shit!

Oh, shit. There goes the planet.

Oh, thank God.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, wait a minute. Yogurt gave me that fortune cookie.

Oh, waiter. Check, please.

Oh, well, we're too late. I'll just reverse and we'll go.

Oh, what a world.

Oh, yeah, but it's so far a...

Oh, yes, sir. Snotty beamed me twice last night.

Oh, you're right. And when you're right, you're right.

Oh, you're starting to fade, Your Highness.

Oh, your helmet is so big.

Oh! I bet she gives great helmet.

Oh. Thanks, little guy.

Oil. Oil.

OK, but I still don't understand how I'm gonna lift a big statue with this little ring.

OK, Eagle Five coming in.

OK, here we go. The short, short version.

OK, maybe if I put my leg up on yours,

OK, one special and one soup.

OK, Princess, that's it. The fairy tale is over.

OK, we all know Prince Valium is a pill.

OK, we save her, but how? They're gonna spot us on their radar.

OK, we'll have to set her down. Prepare for an emergency landing.

OK.

OK. Here goes nothing.

On a sadder note, Pizza The Hutt...

On the count of three.

Once we kidnap the princess, her father'll give us the combination to the air shield,

One

One million space bucks! We can pay off Pizza!

One pod left.

One princess for one million space bucks.

Pardon me, sir. I have an idea.

Permit me to introduce the brilliant young plastic surgeon,

Pizza The Hutt!

Please, bring her back safely!

Please, please, don't make a fuss. I'm just plain Yogurt.

Please, please, please! No, no, not that!

Please, slow down. I'm getting sand up my gears.

Prepare ship for ludicrous speed.

President Skroob! Salute!

President Skroob?

President Skroob.

President Skroob. There it is. Planet Druidia.

Prince Valium

Prince Valium, do you take Princess Vespa to be your wife?

Princess Vespa's spaceship within range.

Put 'er there.

Radar about to be

Radar repaired, sir We're picking up the outline of a Winnebago.

Raspberry.

Ready, Kafka?

Remember: Open it before you eat it.

Right, everyone starting on the left foot.

Room service. Room service.

Sandurz! Sandurz, you gotta help me.

Say goodbye to your two best friends.

Scanning.

Search the area. Find them!

SEL limited edition. Moonroof, all leather interior.

Sh...

She will come out to us.

She's a bass!

She's gone from suck to blow.

She's not in there!

Shit! I hate it when I get my Schwartz twisted.

Shithead!

Silence!

Sir, shouldn't you sit down?

Sir?

Sir. The radar, sir. It appears to be...jammed!

Six, five, four, three, two, one.

Six? What happened to seven?

Smoke if you got 'em.

Snotty!

So that"s how they're gonna get the air out

So the combination is one, two, three, four, five.

So, at last we meet for the first time, for the last time.

So, how come you ran away from your wedding?

So, Lone Starr, now you see that evil will always triumph

So, Lone Starr, Yogurt has taught you well.

So, Princess Vespa,

So, Princess Vespa, at last I have you in my clutches

So, Princess, you thought you could outwit the imperious force of...

Son of a bitch!

Sorry, Barf.

Sorry, sir, but it's very important. The princess is in your office

Sorry, sir. Doing my best.

Sorry, wrong switch.

Sorry.

Sorry. I had to make a pit stop.

Spaceball One has now become

Spaceball One.

Spaceballs!

Spaceballs? Forget it. Too dangerous.

Spaceballs. Too late.

Spectacular stunt, my friends.

Step two: We destroy that thing.

Stop her! Someone, stop her! Stop her!

Stop it. Is there any way to stop it?

Take only what you need to survive.

Take them both aboard and put the princess in my quarters.

Tell Dark Helmet he must take the princess alive.

Tell them to comb the desert, do you hear me? Comb the desert!

Ten, nine, eight, six...

Thank you for pressing the button

Thank you for pressing the self destruct button

Thank you, Your Highness.

Thanks. Well, we better get going.

That son of a...

That there's absolutely no air shortage whatsoever.

That's all we needed.

That's amazing. I've got the same combination on my luggage.

That's it. No more chances. We're doing the short version.

That's not all he's lost.

That's the kind of thing an idiot would have on his luggage.

That's the stupidest combination I ever heard in my life!

That's what this says. I'm an honest to God prince.

The combination is

The greatest nose job man in the entire universe and Beverly Hills.

The kids love this one.

The ring of the Schwartz!

The ring! I can't believe you fell for the oldest trick in the book!

The Schwartz is in you, Lone Starr lt"s in you!

The Schwartz!

The Schwartz.

The Search for More Money".

The self destruct mechanism has been activated. Abandon ship.

The ship is too big. If I walk, the movie'll be over.

The ship... is changing.

The ship"s too big

The sweeps:

The... Vulcan neck pinch?

Then get over there!

Then how are we gonna go in there and get her?

There are laser blasts all around us!

There is only one man who would dare give me the raspberry.

There it is. Planet Druidia.

There it is. Spaceball City straight ahead.

There!

There's a special can of fuel in your glove compartment.

There's gotta be a self destruct mechanism in the central brain area.

There's our princess. She's got company.

Thereby destroying Planet Druidia and saving Planet Spaceball.

They couldn't. They took a vow of silence.

They're out in stores before the movie is finished.

They've gone to plaid!

This is Central Control. Commanderette Zircon speaking, sir.

This is my dreamboat, sweetheart

This is your two minute warning This ship will self destruct in two minutes

This ship will self destruct in 20 seconds.

This ship will self destruct in exactly ten seconds.

This ship will self destruct in exactly two minutes and 45 seconds

This ship will self destruct in three minutes

This time I'm gonna walk!

This.

Those flashing eyes, those flushed cheeks, those trembling lips.

Thousand' Pongo?

Three.

To have my way with you the way I want to.

To join Princess Vespa and Prince Valium in the bonds of holy...

To join Princess Vespa and Princess Valium...

To witness Princess Vespa, daughter of King Roland,

Total humans, droids, if I may.

Trouble with the radar, sir

True, sir. But there's been a breakthrough in home video marketing.

Try here. Stop.

Turn around, please.

Two.

Two... late! What happened? Where are they?

Uh huh.

Uh oh, we got company!

Uh uh, not if we jam it.

Uh... matrimony.

Um... He did it.

Unfair to the pay or,

Upsee dahzee, upsee mahzee, upsy daisy!

Use the Schwartz, Lone Starr Use the Schwartz

Vacu Suck!

Very impressive, Lone Starr. Too bad this isn't the Wide World of Sports.

Very well. Dr Schlotkin, do your worst.

Vespa Vespa, my child

Vespa, come to me.

Vespa, it"s your father, King Roland

Vespa, where are you going?

W w w wait! We'll need him to get us out of here.

Wait. My things.

Wait. What about my matched luggage?

Waitress! Waitress! What did he order?

Warden Miller Warden Miller You're wanted in V17

Was found dead earlier today in the back seat of his stretch limo.

We can't stop. It's too dangerous.

We could split apart like...

We did it!

We get the idea. Where was she last seen?

We got a minute and 40 before the end of the world. Hang on!

We have both ships coming up on the Teledar, sir, if you wish to observe.

We have it on the radar screen. Shall I punch it up for you?

We passed them! Stop this thing!

We put the picture's name on everything!

We were told to comb the desert, so we're combing it

We will not go in there.

We'll have none of that, mister.

We're closing in on them, sir. Soon Lone Starr will be ours.

We're doing it for a shitload of money!

We're done with you. Go back to the golf course and work on your putts.

We're gonna make space tracks.

We're out of gas!

We've got to slow down first.

We've gotta act fast. Step one: We reverse the vacuum

We've never gone that fast. Maybe the ship can't take it.

Welcome to real life.

Well, boys, it's a very lovely ship. I think you should go down with it.

Well, I hope it's a long ceremony, cos it's gonna be a short honeymoon.

Well, if it isn't Lone Starr

Well, it ain't Temple Beth Israel.

Well, keep looking for them.

Well, let me think about it.

Well, what have we got here? Will you look at her?

Well, you opened your fortune cookie, so here's your fortune.

Well, you were wrong.

What a goof! What's with you, man? Come on!

What a pity.

What about you guys?

What are you doing?

What are you preparing? Just go!

What do you want?

What have I done?

What is it?

What shall we do now, sir?

What the hell am I looking at? When does this happen in the movie?

What the hell are you doing?

What the hell is all that?

What the hell is that thing?

What the hell was that?

What?

What? They're getting their air back.

What'd you do to him? The same thing I'm going to do to you, big boy. Oh!

What's going on?

What's going on? Where the hell are we? Paris?

What's happening?

What's happening? Where is he?

What's that glow?

What's the matter with this belt?

What's the matter with this thing? You call that a radar screen?

What's the matter, Colonel Sandurz? Chicken?

What's this? I said take only what you need to survive.

When did we get to Disneyland?

Where are you?

Where have you been?

Where is it?

Where is she going?! Where is she going?

Where the real money from the movie is made.

Which brings it up to, uh... one million space bucks.

Which is what you are about to become.

Which makes you a certified prince.

Which means if you hurry there could be a princess in your future.

Who am I kidding?

Who are you? What are you doing?

Who dares enter the sacred and awesome presence of the everlasting know it all,

Who knows? God willing, we'll all meet again in "Spaceballs Il:

Who was that?

Who?!

Why are we risking our lives for a princess? I know we need money...

Why didn't somebody tell me my ass was so big?

Will you marry me?

Will you stop?

Will you turn that thing off?

Winnebago?

Wise men, pshaw. Wise guys, you mean. What do they know?

Wish me luck.

Without being held.

Without physical contact.

Women and mogs first!

Would I lie?

Wow! Liquid Schwartz!

Yeah!

Yeah.

Yeah. Can't you guys read? "No Parking".

Yes, it's me. I'm here to save my girlfriend. Hi, honey.

Yes, my dear. I guarantee it.

Yes, of course. I've heard the same rumour myself.

Yes, sir.

Yes, thanks for calling and not reversing the charges. Yes, bye.

Yet I find you strangely attractive. Of course you do.

Yo!

Yogurt has the Schwartz. It's too powerful.

Yogurt, the wise.

Yogurt! Yogurt!

Yogurt?

You are a royal pain in the...

You are now our prisoner. And you will be held hostage until such time...

You are ugly when you're angry.

You don't need that, Private. What is it?

You get back to bed, miss. And as for you, sex fiend...

You gotta get that thing fixed! We're back, and we have the combination.

You have the ring.

You idiots! These are not them!

You know something, Princess?

You know what? Let me give it back to you. Oh!

You know, I...

You know. The bleeps:

You listen. On this ship you're to refer to me as "idiot", not "you Captain".

You pick that up.

You thought you could outwit the imperial forces of Planet Spaceball.

You told me to let you know the moment Planet Druidia was in sight, sir.

You want this hot air machine, you carry it.

You went over my helmet?

You will address me as "Your Royal Highness"

You will call me "Your Royal Highness"!

You will never address me as "you".

You will not touch that luggage

You're delicious.

You're doing it!

You're probably right.

You're really a Spaceball.

You're right, sir. There's a secret entrance here.

You're the only ones that can save her! I'll give you anything!

You've captured their stunt doubles!

Your father hired Lone Starr and me to save you. We gotta go.

Your father was a king, your mother was a queen,

"Spaceballs". Good work, Corporal. Punch it up.

A fortune cookie? Yes.

All right, all right. I'll be right there. Yes, sir.

And his cousin? An Asshole, too. Gunner Phillip Asshole.

And Spaceball One is closing in on her. Good, good.

And then? We passed then.

And this one? It's locked.

And what have we got? A Cuisinart? No, sir.

Anything? Yes, anything!

Are we being too literal? No, you fool, we're following orders

Are you all right, sir? Fine. How have you been?

Are you getting married? No.

as the... Force?

Barf, open that glove compartment. You got it... Your Highness.

Barf? Always when I'm eating.

Beam him down. Yes, sir. Immediately, sir.

beer swilling pigs. Horse faced space dogs.

Besides, love isn't that important. Nah, it never was.

Bring him some water! Water, my ass!

But isn't that dangerous? Extremely. Plus,

But you're the one... Yes!

But... Come on, boss. Give it a shot.

Change my order to the soup. Good move.

Colonel Sandurz, may I speak with you? Yes, sir.

Colonel Sandurz! What is it, Sergeant Ricco?

Come on, we gotta keep goin'. We need you.

Come to me Daddy?

Daddy, that's your right foot. It's too late. Keep going.

Daddy! Oh, Daddy! Oh, Vespa, my darling.

Did it work? Yes, sir. We have the combination.

Dim the lights. Dimming the lights.

Do something. Do something.

Do you take Valium to be your husband? Uh... well, I...

Do you? Yes.

Done. Hang on, Barfo,

Down scope! Down scope.

Everybody knows that. Of course we do, sir.

Everyone ready? Yes, Your Majesty.

Fat, ugly, Bucktoothed, knock kneed,

Fine, sir. Good.

Five. Five.

Four. Four.

Full name? Barfolomew.

Go back to then. When?

Go to hyper jets. Going to hyper jets.

Go to infrared. Going to infrared.

Good luck, boys. Bye, Yogurt.

Good thing you were wearing a helmet. Yeah.

Good. Remarkable.

Good. Get moving. Driver, prepare to move out.

Good. Quick. Hurry. Follow the dog. Mog. I'm a mog.

Good. When will the princess marry? Within the hour, sir.

Goodbye, Lone Starr. Goodbye, Yogurt.

Goodbye. Let me know how it turns out. Come back, Dot!

Grabbin' a snack. Want some? No.

Have a nice day Thank you.

Have you got anything to eat? Nah.

Have you notified Lord Helmet? Yes, sir. He's on his way.

He didn't? No.

Hello, Charlene. I'm Marlene!

Hello, Marlene. I'm Charlene!

Hello, President Skroob. Oh, uh...

Helmet, what's going on? Sandurz, what's going on?

Here, chow down. Wow, thanks.

Here, you hold 'em off. I'll get the door. I'm not shooting this thing. I hate guns.

Hey, what's wrong with this guy? I don't know!

Hey, where do you think you're going? Pizza to go!

How did you find us? No time to talk. Come on.

How far did he get? What'd he touch? Nothing happened.

How soon? Sir, we've identified their location.

How was that? Not bad.

I always have coffee when I watch radar. Of course.

I can't go any further. Come on, Barf, old buddy.

I don't see them, Sandurz. I've sent the troops on ahead, sir.

I know that! What's his name? That is his name, sir. Major Asshole.

I love you. I love you.

I mean... You know what I mean. And you will not call me "you".

I think we just found it. Where?

I'll be down immediately. Shall I have Snotty beam you down, sir?

I'll call for the attack squad. No, we can't go in.

I'll split it. No.

I'm going down there. He's going down there.

I'm sorry, too. Don't be sorry, be quiet.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

It'll be revealed to you at the proper time. Great.

It's no use. We've searched everywhere. Wait. I feel the presence of

It's on backwards! Well, this is terrible! Do something!

It's us! Lone Starr!

It"s changing into A gigantic

Jeez! What?

Just go. Yes, sir.

Light speed too slow? Yes. We're gonna have to go right to...

Like this? Yeah!

Little hair of the dog? No! Listen, answer that for me.

Look at that Wow!

Lord Helmet. What?

Ludicrous speed. Ludicrous speed?

Maid? With a vacuum cleaner

May I continue, please? Besides, he asked me not to tell you.

Merchandising. Merchandising. What's that?

Monastery? Where? Somewhere in the Ford Galaxy.

Must have burned it up in hyper. Should've put more than $5 worth in!

Must I go through with this? I'm sorry, my dear. You have to.

Nah, I'll do it myself. Very good, sir.

Nah! Here it is, sir.

No you didn't, you turned off the hole movie. I must have pressed the wrong button.

No, Daddy, no! You mustn't. You're right, my dear.

No, no, I can't take this. Take it, take it.

No, thank you. I'm perfectly all right. Take it. It's freezing.

No! Just one more dune to go.

No! She doesn't. What?

No. No.

No. Where's my droid of honour? Oh, dear, yes! Where's Dot?

Not bad... for a girl. Hey, that was pretty good for Rambo.

Now! I can't. We missed it.

Now. Now?

Oh, great! Duck!

Oh, he had the special. The spe... That's my order!

Oh. I'm out of ammo! Get back! I'll hold 'em off!

OK, we'll do it for... a million. A million!

OK. Set a course for Druidia. Setting a course for Drui i i i...

One, two, three, four, five? Yes.

One. One.

Open the door! I can't. It's fused.

Or else what? Tell him, Vinnie.

Out of order. Fuck! Even in the future nothing works.

Pray to God. Praying to God.

Prepare for our arrival. When?

Prepare ship for light speed. No, no, light speed is too slow.

Prepare Spaceball One for departure. Yes, sir.

Prepare to fast forward. Preparing to fast forward.

Preparing ship for metamorphosis, sir. Good. Get on with it.

President Skroob. What is it?

Prince?! I just found out.

Put her in hover, Barf. Putting her in hover.

Quick, give me a reading. "Our Father, who art in heaven..."

Quick, pour it in the tank. Right.

Ready to order? Hi. Yes, we'll both have the lunafish.

Right here, sir. Switch to teleview.

Salute! Hail, Skroob!

Sandurz! Sir?

Schlotkin! What?

Secure all animals in the zoo... Give me that, you petty excuse for an officer!

See? It's lighter. Oh, yeah. This is the best.

She was just passing Jupiter Two. We'll find her.

She's gotta be in one of these cells. Yeah, but which one?

Sir, hadn't you better buckle up? Oh, buckle this!

Sir? What?

Sir. Yes? Ooh!

So? Planet Druidia's in sight, sir.

Sweetheart? Uh oh.

Switch to secret hyper jets. Switching to secret hyper jets.

Take her out of hyperactive. Takin' her out of hyperactive.

Thanks for the gas, Yogurt. You're welcome.

That's Barf. Barf, Puke, whatever!

The air bag, it's almost full! What'll we do?

The door's closing! Go for broke!

The keys? Inside.

The Schwartz? Yes.

The what? The what?

There has? Yes. Instant cassettes.

They"ve reached the air shield And it"s opening

Three. Three.

Two. Two.

Uh oh, here comes the Badyear blimp. We'd better get outta here in a hurry.

Uh oh. That's it.

Uh uh. Uh huh.

Um, I'll have the soup. OK.

Way he runs things, it won't last 100. What?

We gotta move. Barf, how'd you do it?

We must get through the shield. We will, sir.

We'll beam you back, sir. Forget it, forget it. No more beaming.

We're approaching Planet Druidia, sir. Good.

We're not moving. Oh, we're moving all right.

We're trapped! I hate these movies.

Well, find them! Catch them! Yes, sir!

Well, put it back up! Yes, sir!

Well, she wouldn't go without it. Oh, yeah?

Well? Trouble with the radar, sir

Well... Are we stopped? We're stopped, sir.

What about that ring Yogurt gave you? Oh, yeah.

What are they saying? They want us to go with them.

What are they saying? They've taken the princess!

What are you doing? I'm calling my father.

What are you doing? No questions, Dot. Get in!

What are you doing? What's he doing?

What can I do you for? Where you been?

What did you do? I turned off the wall.

What do you want? It's me!

What if it does? I'm all for leaving! Barf, no!

What is it? Can I talk to you for a moment, sir?

What is it? I don't know.

What is this place? It looks like the Temple of Doom.

What the hell was that noise? That was my virgin alarm.

What the hell's in this thing? I dunno.

What was that? Never mind that. What was that?

What'll you have? We're just gassing up, so what's ready?

What's gonna happen now? Don't ask. Maybe it won't.

What's it say? I cannot tell you that now.

What's she driving? A brand new white Mercedes 2001

What's that make us? Absolutely nothing!

What's that? I don't know. We're losin' power.

What's the combination? One, two, three, four, five.

What's wrong? I've lost the bleeps, sweeps and creeps.

When will then be now? Soon.

When? Just now.

When? Just now. We're at now, now.

Where are you going? I am going to tell him off once and for all.

Where did you get that? All right, I'll tell. I'll tell.

Where have you been? Here I am.

Where is he? Here.

Where is it? Where is it? It's gotta be here.

Where? Somewhere in the sands of Vega.

Where? The moon of Vega.

Where? There. It's that bright blue one. See?

Where's my money? Don't worry. You'll have it by next week.

Where's the princess? Right there, sir.

Which one's yours? Who knows?

Who are you? Barf.

Who are you? I'm the best man, Barf.

Who is he? He's an Asshole, sir.

Who the hell are you? Prince Lone Starr.

Whoa! Hold it. Time. What?

Why don't we take a five minute break? Very good, sir.

Why so early? Because we're in the middle of a desert,

Why were you gonna marry him? Because!

Will you watch that? Oh, sorry.

Won't you be cold? Nah, cold never bothers me.

Y'hello! Hello, Lone Starr.

Yes, sir. Did you see anything?

Yogurt, the all powerful! Yogurt, the magnificent.

Yogurt! Hello, boys.

You and your dog are... Please, please,

You can read it! No, I was just clearing my throat.

You didn't say he refused the money. It wasn't important.

You don't know where you're from? No. I was found outside a monastery.

You haven't seen what she looks like. I have. All princesses look the same.

You heard of me? Heard of you? Who hasn't heard of you?

You know that, don't you? Thanks, sir.

You might need it. Thanks.

You understand it? Yes.

You're needed on the bridge, sir. Knock on my door! Knock next time!

Your Highness. Nose job? She's already had a nose job.

...thanks. You're welcome.

"Spaceballs" The flame thrower!

"Spaceballs" The lunchbox. "Spaceballs" The breakfast cereal.

"Spaceballs" The T shirt. "Spaceballs" The colouring book.

"The Producers", "Blazing Saddles", "Young Frankenstein"...

1900 hours. By tomorrow they'll be our prisoners.

Spaceballs (1987)
Spaceballs is a hilarious science fiction parody film released in 1987. Directed by Mel Brooks, the movie takes a humorous twist on popular space saga films, primarily Star Wars. Packed with zany characters and slapstick comedy, Spaceballs follows the adventures of Lone Starr, played by Bill Pullman, and his loyal sidekick Barf, portrayed by John Candy. The villainous Dark Helmet is brought to life by Rick Moranis, while Princess Vespa is played by Daphne Zuniga. This intergalactic romp offers a plethora of laughs and iconic moments that have become a cult classic over the years. To dive into the cosmic comedy of Spaceballs, you can play and download the sounds of the movie right here.
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