♯ Half Baked (1998) Soundboard

A little bit from yesterday, you know, when Kenny got...

A little joke. Not funny.

A lot of times they'll get your number accidentally from one of their girlfriends,

A scavenger smoker is someone who never has weed of their own.

A shadowy flight into the dangerous world...

Abracadabra, man! Abracadabra, yo!

Abracadabra, my brother. What's up? Abracadabra.

Abracadabra, yo! Oh, abracadabra, man.

Abracadabra! Abra...

Abracadabra.

Abracadabra. Abracadabra?

Abracadabra. Boy, why do you keep saying that?

Abracadabra. Slim, take off your shirt.

Ah, it could be worse. I could have Scarface's job.

Ah! What I'm talkin' about.

Ain't tried the shit out yet, but it smells like the bomb.

All by myself

All I had to do was get forms from that scientist that kept calling me janitor,

All I wanna know is: who's comin' with me?

All my life, I did everything right.

All my money was tied up in our drug dealing venture.

All of you. All of you. It's so good.

All right, listen to me. There's $30, 000 in this knapsack.

All right, man. Go!

All right, man. Just one hit, you scavenger.

All right, man. Y'all got money?

All right, then.

All right, time's up.

All right? Let's be sharp.

All right.

All right. All right.

All right. Give me a 50 bag of that.

All right. Hey.

All right. Light it up.

All right. Okay. I'll see you there.

All right. Then get me an avocado, an ice pick and my snorkel.

All right. We did our part, right?

All right. What the hell's goin' on here?

All right. Yeah, man. Yeah.

All the boys in the car need to get out. Such a dork, man.

All we gotta do is raise ten percent of one million, yo.

Also celery, g**** jelly, Captain Crunch with the little crunch berries.

And a dog house, yo. Brian bought something too.

And because we were stealin' the weed, not buyin' it, it was all profit.

And big corporations and...

And bought bikes to help us move the product,

And everyone here likes fresh fish.

And guess what else? Call me next week... about weed, about weed.

And he made 'em fight anyway.

And his heart...

And hit the streets we did.

And I am the happiest custodian alive.

And I take it?

And I wanted to be with you.

And I won't get all my vitamins.

And it's good for arthritis too.

And just act completely normal.

And Killer said, No, man, that's my brother. I can't fight Nibbles!

And Killer said, That's it.

And little chocolate bars. We'll make some smores, man.

And may God have mercy on your soul, young man.

And of course the loveable Old James.

And request that you personally deliver it.

And right after that, he's adopted by this man, Tito Liebowitz.

And Smoka Lot opened up to me like I was Barbara Walters. It was ridiculous.

And some pink popcorn and some Funyuns...

And that is?

And then in a rage, he collapsed,

And then it happened. I'm hungry too.

And then the Squirrel Master came out of left field and told me I'm his bitch.

And then you got your straight up potheads. Ooh!

And we kept meetin' different kinds of smokers, like this lady.

And what exactly was he sellin'? Marijuana.

And what he's supposed to be? Jerry Garcia's brother?

And with the remaining ten, buy whatever narcotics he's got around.

And your name is?

And, uh, rottweiler fight promoter.

And... Funyuns.

AndAnd tell our friend Kenny Davis we love him. He's in prison.

Anything else? Oh, yeah.

Anything for you, sir? No. I'm fine. Thank you.

Anyway, I work at this lab, Frankensense and Burr Pharmaceutical.

Are you plannin' on movin' out anytime soon?

As far as herb goes, you can get it all over this town.

As soon as you got the stuff, or if anything goes wrong, say the phrase, Abracadabra.

At least Brian got away, yo.

Aw, shit, yo.

Aw, shit. Pound of my sweetest chiva.

Bail is set at one million dollars for the crime of killing an officer of the law.

Been a pleasure. Pleasure's all mine.

Bein' with you these past 11 years has been wonderful.

Bip Oxygen

Boo this man! Boo!

Box it Man, it gets you high

Break out Billy Bong Thornton. Yeah.

Breaking and entering.

Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.

Brian was gonna quit, but they fired him before he could.

Brian works at a new and used record store. Hi.

Brian, will you stop praying to a bag of sand, man? Come on.

Brother, you know how that is. We had to get him outta jail.

Bully, man. Word, yo.

Bully, man. Yeah.

Bummin', thinkin' about Kenny.

But as soon as you smoke it, here they come.

But But But, Mary Jane, listen. I'm done. I'm done sellin' it.

But ButBut we'll get you out, right, guys?

But I can trace the entire path of my life to one childhood memory.

But I gotta move on.

But if we were gonna save Kenny, we had to deliver full time.

But it actually worked out. Mr. Nice Guy.

But it'd be great if we can get some cocaine.

But let me tell you, man, that guy does wonders for those children's self esteem.

But meanwhile I hadn't seen Mary Jane in, like, a week.

But not as much as I love pussy.

But their stuff ain't even weed most the time.

But then he had the fight of his life.

But then I gotta be gotta be goin'.

But this time I mean it. I'm gonna come back here. I'm gonna be clean.

But we can bring you Samson.

But would you be a dear and run this down to the supply department?

But you two smoke entirely too much reefer.

But, man, I will never forget the first time I smoked...

But... he deserves to be where he is.

Buttercup. Buttercup.

Bye. Be thinkin' about you.

Bye. Bye bye.

Bye. Hey, where you goin'?

Call him over to my place

Call up and place an order knowing they don't smoke weed...

Can you dig? I feel ya. That's why I'm doin' it.

Can't even smoke weed in peace.

Candy makes you dandy. Hmm.

Check it out, yo. It's like this.

Class dismissed.

Come on in, man. Come on, weed man.

Come on, guys. Return this shit. We can't, yo.

Come on, guys. We gotta get Kenny out of jail, man.

Come on, man!

Come on, man. It's gotta be a little longer than that.

Come on, man. Show me your mean face. No.

Come on, Mary Jane.

Come on. Don't let them see you cry in there.

Come on. Let's get out of here. Anything to drink?

Come on. Let's get some candy and get out of here, B.

Come on. Smoke me. Have a quickie for old time's sake.

Coming.

Cop killer? I love horses.

Could we just have a a moment alone?

Could you drop me in the lobby? It's perfect.

Could you give this letter to Mary Jane Potman?

Could you, uhI know this isn't your responsibility,

Cup. Cup. Cup. Cup.

Custodian, dick.

Damn, B! I been set up.

Damn. Yes! Somethin' told me to bring a lot of weed, man.

Devil man.

DevilThe mark of the beast!

Did I say homo? I didn't mean that!

Did you ever see Scent of a Woman... on weed?

Did you ever see the back of a $20 bill, man? Man, I don't know, yo.

Did you ever see the back of a $20 bill... on weed?

Didn't have to. Bye.

Do I look like I like what I see?

Do what you gotta do. Be strong.

Do you guys feel different? A little.

Do you know where we can score some cocaine?

Do you know who you're dealing with? Chill, Nasty Nate.

Do you remember? I gave you a ride home from prison?

Do you swear?

Doctor said I need a backeotomy.

Don't get no better than that. Can smell it through the bag.

Don't mind if I do. Thanks, young brother.

Don't worry. Don't worry.

Don't you leave me. Breathe, Buttercup.

Dope has arrived, fellas. And we were no different.

Dr. Kablecki, please report to Clinical Studies.

Dr. Kablecki.

Drug dealers belong in jail.

Either someone's having a party, or somebody gotta do their shirt laundry.

Eleven days wasn't gonna give us much time.

Eleven days, Thurgood, I'm as good as skewered.

Especially when it comes to reefer.

Ever take your clothes off and run backwards through a cornfield?

Every day of the week, I dress up like a different Village Person.

Everybody in New York was callin' to get down with Mr. Nice Guy.

Everybody knows in my neighborhood it's the bestest around

Everybody, freeze! Oh, shit!

Everything on 'em. With water, whole lot of water.

Everything work out okay?

Excuse me. Please do.

Feel anything? Yeah, I feel my chest cavin' in.

Feels like Jerry Garcia's in my head. Am I goin' crazy?

Fine China. Babaloo.

Fire in the hole.

First of all, to understand what happened to Killer,

Fish! Fish! Fish! Fish! Fish!

Flip out, man!

Follow me.

For $400, I got Jerry Garcia in a pouch, man.

For how much? Oh, it's cool. Yo, he's used.

For real, amigo. Do your sock laundry, yo.

For real, B?

For real. I don't know about y'all, but I can't even move.

For you, man, I'll stay for a minute.

Forge one of the forms and put the order in like I did before.

Four years just for weed? Damn!

Four years next month. Four years.

Fuck you. Fuck you.

Fuck you. You're cool.

Gee, you must've been so hungry.

Gentlemen, assume your positions.

Get down on your knees with your hands behind your head!

Get him to say what he's sellin' you. Yeah.

Get it, Killer.

Get me a box of condoms, and, um, what's that stuff?

Get off me, you Iying son of a bitch! What is this?

Get on the train. Toke up before we go to work.

Get on. Beat it. You're scarin' him.

Get some Haagen Dazs ice cream bars. A whole lot.

Get some...

Gimme that back. Queer.

Gimme that.

Go ahead.

Go get me this Mr. Nice Guy.

Go to your local library.

God, what is wrong with me? Hey...

Goddamn you!

Good bye, Thurgood. Wait! Hold up!

Good for you, man. Man, what did you guys do to him, yo?

Good night, Fish.

Good. Good. Let's.

Good. I'm all out of cards, B. Me too.

Good. Just call me Jesse Owens.

Got ya. I know this isn't your responsibility, but mop the rest of this shit up.

Graham crackers with the marshmallows, the little marshmallows.

Great.

Great. Let's hoof it.

Greedy bastard! Didn't you promise me ice cream the other day?

Greeneyes gonna miss ya.

Guess who? Yo. Psst. Thurgood.

Guys, shut up about the weed for two seconds. I don't want this girl to know I smoke.

Ha!

Hallelujah!

He called off all his fights, and he started doing crack, and he freaked out.

He didn't leave a number.

He gets to talk about music all day. I got a used Kenny Loggins album.

He got the same dealer as us. What you mean?

He got the wrath. He got the wrath of the num chuks, yo.

He had to stay vigilant.

He is damn good.

He likes it, yo. Yeah, man, he really likes it.

He likes it. He loves it, man.

He looked all right, man.

He spends all of his allowance on reefer.

He told me about his lawyer. He had sex with my mama! Why?

He wants to see Mr. Nice Guy. He told me.

He was always ashamed of this, man.

He's a kindergarten teacher at some school downtown,

He's a small time gunrunner...

He's my bitch. Anybody gonna stab him, it's gonna be me.

He's what we call an enhancement smoker,

Heard that before. Said that before.

Heifer with cheese. You son of a bitch, I'm right behind you!

Hell, back in the '60s, we used to smoke that shit on the street.

Hello, boys. Hi, Samson.

Help! Ken, listen. We got a plan.

Here you go. You can call me anytime you want.

Hey Hey. But the weed ain't bad.

Hey, black ass. Why you didn't moon us earlier, eh?

Hey, everybody, I'm Dave Chappelle.

Hey, fellas, let's beat these bitches!

Hey, fellas. What's goin' on?

Hey, fellas. Y'all know me. Come on, now. Look at this.

Hey, girl.

Hey, good night, Mike. See you tomorrow.

Hey, guys. Meet Mary Jane.

Hey, I couldn't help overhearing you guys.

Hey, I'm sorry. I was talkin' to the horse.

Hey, Kenny, we're gonna get you out of there, man.

Hey, Kenny. How they treatin' you in there?

Hey, little fella. Smell it?

Hey, man, we're out of papers.

Hey, man. Sorry to wake you, but you gotta try this.

Hey, Mary Jane, I can explain everything, all right?

Hey, Mary Jane!

Hey, ******, what time is it? It's 8:30.

Hey, Squirrel Master. Kenny.

Hey, thank God, man!

Hey, thanks for this ride. We really appreciate it. Sure.

Hey, uh, seein' as how we don't know who you are,

Hey, uh, you guys believe in angels or...

Hey, wait a minute, guys.

Hey, what can I get you? Could I have a hot dog with ketchup and sauerkraut?

Hey, what day is it? Saturday.

Hey, who's on munchies tonight?

Hey, why didn't you tell me you were into this shit?

Hey, yo, wait! Dude, I'm gonna check out the stars later.

Hey, you guys.

Hey, you wanna eat at the Happy Palace? Uh, how 'bout a hot dog, huh?

Hey!

Hey! Hey.

Hey! Smell it. Okay. All right. Mm.

Hey. He killed...

Hey. Here you go.

Hi, everyone. My name is Thurgood.

Hi, there, Fish. See what I mean?

Hi, Thurgood. Hi.

Hi, you called about your plumbing? Empty pipes?

Hi. Are you?

High, high, high, high

His love life. I'm impotent, man. Get away from me, bitch!

His spirituality. God, if you listenin'... help!

Hmm.

Hold on. Hold on.

Hold up!

How 'bout right now? Just meet me at the place you dropped us off at.

How are you gonna bring Samson down?

How much did that cost, man? Ah.

How y'all feel about Mary Jane

How you doin', Kenny? Kenny?

How? Weed, man.

Huh? Who's comin' with me, man?

I ain't even into the motherfucker yet. Back up, brother.

I believe him, yo. I don't know why, but I do.

I can't believe that I fell for another one of you lowlife assholes again.

I can't feel my hands!

I can't quit sellin' it yet, but I'll quit smokin' it.

I can't take it no more. No wonder he smokes a pound a week.

I could feel she wanted me to say something.

I couldn't stop thinkin' about gettin' high.

I couldn't stop thinkin' about her, man. I missed her.

I didn't let him stay here. I don't know him, man.

I do! Who you know?

I don't do drugs. Drugs make me sick.

I don't even know nobody named Old James. Shoot. Go on!

I don't know which one of these categories we fall into, but I'll tell you this:

I don't know, man. What? What?

I don't know. IWe never used 'em.

I don't know. Maybe 5:00... 6:30.

I don't mean to rub it in, folks.

I don't need to tell you this, but this weed was...

I don't remember graduatin'. And my first sexual experience I don't remember that either.

I feel it. Man, you're cool as shit, mister.

I get lifted up

I get so many rides home from prison.

I got it! I know how we could get Kenny out.

I got it. I got it.

I got some booty. I got some booty. I got some booty.

I got some weed at work today, if y'all wanna try it out.

I got weed. I got my bong out. Come on, son.

I gotta smoke. I have got to smoke.

I gottaI gotta get a form from a scientist.

I guess that'd be me.

I had to get Mary Jane back.

I hate to do it, but I gotta charge you. That's 60 bucks.

I have killed part of myself. I cannot change this, I.

I have killed. I have helped kill.

I haven't been so thirsty in my entire life.

I hope there's some way I can pay you back when we get on the outside.

I just gave him some candy and some chips...

I just wanna say,

I knew it! You forgot your hat.

I knew it.

I know a really good place uptown.

I know. I know what you're thinkin'.

I love Al Pacino, man.

I love buttered stuff. Buttercup.

I love horses. I love horses.

I love you guys.

I love you too.

I love you.

I mean we haven't smoked any weed today, man.

I mean, do I look like somebody that would smoke... marijuana?

I mean, talk about a guy with problems. Tough break.

I mean, they are scientists.

I mean, they might call it the city that never sleeps, but I'll tell you this:

I mean, we can't bring him down. Crazy.

I mean, work on it a little bit, but it's good.

I mean, you can get anything you want, from weed to heroin.

I miss you. I'll do whatever it takes to get you back.

I must seek Buddha. I must seek Christ.

I myself am a master of the custodial arts,

I need an ambulance, now! Officer down.

I need it A.S.A.P.

I never needed anyone

I never screwed up. I fed the horse.

I never seen this much weed in my life! Let's go!

I never thought I'd say this to anybody,

I only had eight bucks. This was gonna take some careful budgeting and maneuvering.

I repeat: Officer down!

I said it never locked. Well, hurry, yo!

I say they got a piney taste, almost minty. Notice the little red hairs.

I say we book 'em. You got me? We book 'em.

I see those. And it's definitely the highest grade hydroponics in the city.

I smoke weed here all the time. This door's never locked.

I think it's more complex than that.

I think they're mistakin' my kindness for weakness. I'm scared.

I think you're bullshitting me.

I understand.

I used to suck dick for coke. I seen him!

I wanna sit him down and ask him some questions.

I wanna talk to Samson

I want you back, Mary Jane.

I was flat broke.

I was hooked on Mary Jane.

I was up all night getting harassed.

I will. Jan.

I would imagine he's some sort of drug dealer.

I would... but I'm gay, you know?

I'll be fine. The robbery is what's important now.

I'll be right back.

I'll do the honors.

I'll give you five. Uh uh. He autographed it himself.

I'll pretend I'm Jamaican, man.

I'll wear a wire. Hmm?

I'm a detective. Yeah, we're detectives.

I'm a scholar.

I'm a schoolteacher! Shut up! You're a cop killer.

I'm aI'm a peaceful man.

I'm all out of food. You ate it all.

I'm all out.

I'm countin' on you, man! Please! Please!

I'm Cuban, B. Yes, Cuban B.

I'm done smokin' it. This is the last of it, right here.

I'm from Jamaica.

I'm glued to the floor.

I'm gonna be sober. There's no more weed, no more nothin'.

I'm gonna call Brian.

I'm gonna take your little Mexican friend with me,

I'm here today because I'm addicted... to marijuana.

I'm hungry, man. All right, yo.

I'm in love with Mary Jane

I'm leaving. Well, uh, can I leave with ya?

I'm not gonna do what everyone thinks I'm gonna do:

I'm real bad at this, but you think sometime we could get together,

I'm somebody's bitch.

I'm sorry, man.

I'm sorry. I didn't even see him.

I'm sorry. Samson, I'm sorry. Okay?

I'm takin' it slow, man.

I'm talkin' to you. Thanks a lot, fellas.

I've got a date with Mary Jane!

I've not had a hot dog in so long.

If any, are the medicinal purposes of marijuana.

If he ain't back in ten minutes,

If I did that, then I'd have to give it to you every day,

If I wasn't Jamaican, then why would I wear this hat? Hmm?

If I'm not back in ten minutes, call the police.

If somethin' happens to us, could you...

If that's what you want, then then I'll change for you.

If the three of us go in there all clear eyed, Samson is gonna know somethin's up.

If you ever need a guinea pig, let me know.

If you guys spend one more dime, I swear I will bitch slap you.

If you love me, Mary Jane Mary Jane

If you want to learn more about marijuana or other illegal substances,

II can feel them.

II sign for this, and it's mine?

Including the house, it was only 250, yo.

Is it January?

Is some Columbian heaven.

Is that Prell? Do you use Prell?

Is that right?

Is tokin' up, trying to figure out a way to bond with his son.

Isn't that Thurgood, the custodian? Yeah.

It ain't always good...

It makes your teeth go pop, pop, pop.

It ruined his life. That must've been shitty.

It takes a lot of fuckin' weed naps. Free!

It was a little degrading.

It was me, Brian, Kenny, Scarface...

It was really good too.

It was time to get help.

It won't take us hardly any time, B.

It'll work, I promise you.

It's a thing I'm into.

It's been a pleasure doing business with you.

It's for saving Kenny's sweet virgin ass, man!

It's like I feel stuck here, yo.

It's not open and shut. What do you guys do for a living?

It's on the second floor. Just run this down?

It's really real

It's really trippy. Especially on weed, man.

It's that no thing that gets me. Maybe I'll hear from you.

It's the latest thing. All the kids are saying it, all right?

It's too bad, man. I just stopped smokin' yesterday.

Jan, stop it, man.

Jan, will you be my girlfriend?

Janitor? Janitor?

Jerry, I really need your help, man. Feel us...

Jerry... thank you, man.

Jesse, can we get some cocaine and get the hell outta here?

Jesus Christ.

Joking!

Jose, you crazy, man. He's crazy. Come on, man. Let me get them dimes.

Just a sec. Okay.

Just ask me how. Ask me!

Just go in and rob the place blind.

Just remember to speak clearly.

Just? No, no, no, no. Not just.

Kenny called. He's in jail.

Kenny didn't come home last night. We are worried, man.

Kenny is probably doin' the best out of all of us.

Kenny, 11 days? That seems a little stiff, man.

Kenny, how long can you make it in there?

Kenny, stop crying. Stop crying, Kenny. Look at me.

Killer paid the price, yo.

Knight Rider.

Ladies. Abracadabra.

Lady, you want seven bucks for a used Kenny Loggins record?

Let me get four dime bags. Uh, I don't have no idea what you're talking about.

Let me just give you my number. Is that cool?

Let's do it.

Let's go check in on Kenny, huh?

Let's go, man. Let's go. It's money.

Let's go.

Let's go. Come on. All right. Let's move.

Let's just give him a proper burial, all right?

Let's just say I'm not gettin' the respect a cop killer deserves.

Let's not tell anyone about it, okay?

Let's see what I got here.

Listen, do you guys need a ride? I have a car.

Look at all these people!

Look who's walkin'.

Look, here'shere's a little something for your troubles.

Look, I'm not stealin' weed. We are not sellin' weed.

Looks like heroin to me, yo. Yeah. Is that heroin?

Looks like some sort of a business card.

Lucky for us, the cops had our backs.

Make sure chocolate. Gotta have chocolate, man.

Makin' love was just for fun

Man, give me your fruit cocktail.

Man, I remember when a dime bag cost a dime, you know what I mean?

Man, that first day of sobriety sucked.

Man, they got whole bunch of this stuff at work.

Man, this is some bullshit!

Man, we are in trouble, man.

Man, you can't up and decide to sell weed.

Marijuana affects the memory.

Marijuana is not a drug.

Marijuana is terrible. It's a gateway drug.

Marijuana?

Mary Jane dumped me. Shh. Quiet down, yo.

Mary Jane How y'all feel about Mary Jane

Mary Jane She's my main thing

Mary Jane, look, the only reason I lied to you was because I like you...

Mary Jane, you'll see. I'll be back. I'll be a changed man.

Mary Jane! What is that about, man? I hate y'all.

Mary Jane.

Mary Jane. Really?

Mary likes to spread her love

Mary very, very necessary Extraordinary bein' Mary

Maui Wowie!

Maybe go out for some ice cream or something?

Maybe. Maybe is an acceptable answer.

Meet her. Say hello to her. Shake her hand even.

Mi casa es su casa. Observe.

Mm. It wasn't the thing to do because it was the thing to do, you know?

Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm Oh, bip

Mmm. Come here, doggie.

Mmm. Mm hmm. Mm hmm.

Mmm. Mmm mmm. Yeah, I mean, I do miss my dad.

Mmm. Wow.

Mood swings, forgetfulness and, of course, the dreaded low sperm count.

More complex than that? You know what I think happened?

Motherfucker said, ice cream!

Move in.

Mr. Nice Guy was blowin' up, man.

Mr. Nice Guy, Party Accessories.

Mr. Nice Guy. Oh, I may have the wrong number.

My father's a drug dealer. Wow, that must've been the shit.

My grandfather was in the Tuskegee experiments.

My last clear memory, really.

My man ain't coughed like that since back in the day.

My weed's wearing off.

Nah, I'm a custodian. So, what are you here for?

Nah, yo. We don't feel like smokin' right now.

Naughty jungle of love!

******, I thought you said you was crippled.

No Billy Bong Thornton without Kenny.

No cocktail party would be complete without the ice plant.

No codes. No slang. Yeah.

No longer beat.

No more window love. Go and sell it.

No way. You think?

No, because we don't have any money.

No, man, it's August.

No, my grandmother died of lung cancer. I'm sorry to hear that.

No, no. This is Mary Jane.

No. I smell weed, man.

No. No! It wouldn't be right.

Nothin', man. Yo, Killer. Kill! Killer, kill!

Nothin'? Yeah, just chillin'.

Now all we gotta do is go down this hatch to the second floor supply room.

Now is there anything you want to say to your friends? Jerry, we need you.

Now this is what's gonna happen.

Now you're one of us.

Now, don't call too late, 'cause you know I be strippin' in the evenings.

Now, everybody has their own little ritual when it comes to smokin'.

Now, I don't do drugs, though. Just weed.

Now, in the next room, his father, an I'm 40, But I'm Still Cool smoker,

Now, Killer was born to a three legged bitch mother.

Now, that's a titty. Fully, man.

Now, when you can afford it, this is the best way.

Now, you don't want me to get ugly. No, sir.

Now...

Number nine, time's up!

Of a man who does not exist.

Of course he loves it. Yeah, your paws are tingling, aren't they?

Of course, B. Bully, man.

Oh, 'cause I told him Mr. Nice Guy was Jamaican, yo.

Oh, Brian, put yours back on, man.

Oh, hold on. Wait a minute. Old JamesOld James wasn't there.

Oh, Lord, we was hooked!

Oh, man!

Oh, man! Oh, man!

Oh, man.

Oh, my fault. What's up? Hi.

Oh, my God.

Oh, really?

Oh, thank you, thank you, thank... you.

Oh, there's some weird shit in there, man!

Oh, wow.

Oh, wow. August.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yes. Mary likes to play around

Oh! I'm sorry, y'all. I don't want to be the first ****** to die from a crossbow.

Oh. Okay then, detect. Ask us somethin'.

Ohhold it. I gotta give The Guy some of this.

Okay, fine. Fine. We'll do it.

Okay, well, swear on this banana split that you don't do marijuana.

Okay.

Okay. All right.

Okay. Can I buy some of your heroin too?

Okay. Can you give me half an hour?

Okay. Okay. Make sure that you are relaxed.

Okay. Sure. When?

One pound of marijuana, and you can sign for it right here.

Ooh, she was a giver, a caring nurturer.

Ooh, that lights my fire

Ooh, that lights my life

Ooh. Hurry, Thurgood.

Operator with an emergency breakthrough from your sister.

Or a janitor if you want to be a dick about it.

Our job is done. These guys can go home. You guys are wasted, man.

Over to my place at 3:00 tomorrow!

Pass it this way. Don't break the cipher.

Peace.

People like me. Give it to me.

Perfect job for a stoner.

Pizzas. We need two big pizzas, man.

Possession of narcotics. Wow.

Pure cocaine.

Pussy. That's right. You got it.

Put it down! You win.

Red team go. Red team go.

Remember, the more you read The smarter you are.

Right here in my bag.

Right near the beach Boy

Right over here! Come on!

Samson and his girls came rollin' up in here lookin' for me.

Samson did this shit, yo.

Samson Gets Me Lifted, by my main manWho? Sir Smoka Lot.

Samson Simpson, I stick by my story!

Samson, it looks like somebody is cuttin' into your business, baby.

Samson, Samson, I hardly know you.

Samson, this is Sheila. Mama fell...

Samson. Oh, right.

Samson's shit is blessed Got the whole town on lockdown

Sauerkraut's 50 cents extra. Damn!

Say it with me:

Scarface is kind of a hyper guy for a pothead. Sorry.

Scarface quit his job.

Scarface, lay it on me, brother.

Scarface, perhaps you could help me.

Scarface, your dog is mean, man.

Scarface's plan wasn't that bad.

Secret code. Come on in.

See the trouble you're gettin' me into?

See, all you have to do is call them up, and a half hour later,

See, that was a joke. Get it?

See, the problem with bodegas is they never remember you.

She believes weed, and only weed, brings out the artist in her.

She held me in her arms, and it was like I was 15 years old all over again.

She is my main thing She make me feel all right

She make my heart sing

She make my heart sing All right, how'd you guys make out?

She was all the Mary Jane I needed.

She was more organized than we were, and she was willing to work for weed.

She's an I'm Only Creative If I Smoke smoker. Hi.

She's looking. All right. Real quick.

Shit.

Shit. All right. I'll tell 'em.

Shit. Do you like what you see, Samson?

Sick, man! This is it?

Sincerely, The Guy on the couch.

Sir Smoka Lot's on TV. Cecil?

Sixty bucks, yo. That's cool, man.

Sixty bucks? Yeah.

Smoke that and get back to us.

So far, so good.

So he puts Killer into training. They see Killer's good.

So make sure that you say it, and make sure that you get Samson to say it.

So you swear you don't?

So, now we all live together in New York.

So, y'all want to smoke? I'll get Billy Bong Thornton.

So, you wanna get together?

So... where's the money?

Some beef jerky. Some peanut butter.

Some good shit.

Somebody? So now we had a famous clientele and...

Sometimes I wanna throw it all down and get lifted

Sorry about that. What is it, scientist?

Sorry for yelling. But I'm serious.

Sour cream and onion chips...

Spare change for some food? Oh.

Speaking. Oh, hey, hey. It's Mary Jane.

Step on up if you think you fit the bill Yeah

Still waiting on that Heifer, Julio.

Sucks to be you, man!

Sure thing, kid.

Sure.

Sure. Shh.

Surprise, surprise, surprise.

Take it.

Take your shit. No, that's cool. Thanks, man.

Tell Samson I said hello, would ya? Sure thing.

Thank you very much for the heroin and the cocaine. Here's your money.

Thank you, Jan. Yeah.

Thank you, scientist. Got any papers?

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Thank you. Thank you. Shh!

Thank you. Then we sc****d together what little money we had...

Thanks a lot, buddy.

Thanks for the ride. Thurgood!

Thanks, baby.

Thanks, little buddy.

Thanks, man. Hey, hey!

Thanks, Officer.

That is an official fully.

That is so cool, man.

That was a great idea, Thurgood.

That was a joke.

That would make three of us.

That would not be right, man. Use Wesley Pipes. Yeah.

That you got pretty eyes.

That's gonna be 9, 600 bucks, bro.

That's gonna be a problem. What do you mean?

That's good.

That's it? Yeah.

That's real good.

That's the way to see it, man! It's just whacked! Pow!

That's what he's sayin'. We wanna burn one.

That's what I'm talkin' about.

That's what I'm talkin' about. No, Scarface.

That's where I want to live. Right there.

The cops took all the credit for bustin' Samson, but that's not important.

The date couldn't have come at a worse time.

The End.

The Food and Drug Administration are having us do a study to determine what,

The love I desire, babe

The MacGyver smoker is a very handy guy to have around,

The man is serious. Calm down. How serious can it be?

The next mornin' the phones blew up like we were havin' a fuckin' telethon, man.

The shiz nittle bam snip snap sack!

Then I started thinkin' about the fact that she was the only girl I slept with in five years.

Then I started thinkin' about the girl I slept with before Mary Jane.

Then stapled samples of our weed on the back of our business cards.

Then there's a delivery service run by a guy named Samson Simpson.

Then there's the You Should've Been There smoker.

Then they started goin' to war with the apartment.

Then we called the company Mr. Nice Guy in honor of our friend Kenny.

There has got to be a legitimate way to come up with this money.

There's a dude sittin' in the bushes. Does he have a gun?

There's a new Thurgood Jenkins today.

These places always have incredibly old products. Como esta, fellas?

They do pharmaceutical testing for the government...

They had num chuks, bolos. They be doin' Indian burns.

They killed Killer, B!

They pit him against his brother Nibbles.

They was gonna mess me up if I didn't bring them Mr. Nice Guy.

They're bad for your body. Up with hope, down with dope.

Think about this shit please

This all you need? I guess. I don't know.

This good for ya?

This horse is a diabetic!

This is all the cocaine we get for ten G's, B?

This is Buster Phillips, and coming in at number eight, like El Nino,

This is for Killer, B.

This is so We are in business, man.

This is the way it's gonna work.

This job... sucks.

This stuff didn't even work. Man!

Those days are gone

Those guys Those guys are doomed!

Three hours and 14 miles later, I hadn't spent one penny.

Thurgood, Thurgood. Nice letter.

Thurgood, why don't you just focus on one thing at a time?

Thurgood, why the long face, man?

Thurgood. Come on, man. We gotta go.

Time's up, number nine. That's me.

To get high before you have important things to do.

Tomorrow I'll be a cowboy, the day after that an Indian.

Tomorrow's Sunday. There'll be no one in there.

Too risky, man. Stop bein' such a wussy, yo.

Turn around and ask me for Heifer with cheese, yo!

Twenty thousand seems fair. That seems fair, right guys? It's fair.

Uh oh.

Um, do you mind if we take a cab this time?

Um, is Thurgood around?

Um, let me get a pound of your sweetest chiva.

Um, Samson, can I ask you a question?

Unless you say out loud what it is you're buying, we got nothin'.

Wait. Wait. I think I got an idea.

Wanna go for a walk?

Wanna go outside? Yeah.

Want me to call the cops? No. This is too much fun.

Wash off your hanKenny's butthole was in constant jeopardy.

Watch your back, Fish, 'cause Squirrel Master ain't gonna be there for you all the time.

We ain't no goddamn potheads.

We are three reasonably bright young men.

We call this kid the After School Special smoker.

We callin' Domino's.

We could've been hangin' out months ago. No, no, no.

We didn't mind. Huh? Did we, Fuzzy Nuts?

We don't have a corkscrew.

We even stole a few from Samson. Oh, what's up, ******?

We figured the best way to spread the word was to hit the streets.

We gonna sell weed, yo. Yeah, great. Weed. Good. Go.

We got a meeting with him in a couple days.

We got customers from all over New York.

We gotta start bein' more responsible and focused.

We had to hire that girl Jan 'cause she followed Brian.

We have a meeting with Samson tomorrow at 3:00. Where are we gonna get a Jamaican?

We have other product. Oh, like more cocaine?

We just gotta think. That's all that is.

We kept pluggin' away with the weed deliveries,

We made over 20 grand that first week, man.

We met all kinds of customers, like this guy here.

We really had to hustle, and that meant takin' on new customers.

We used to eat it all the time back in the day.

We was toe up!

We were really, really high.

We'll sell weed.

We're alone

We're fund raisers. Well, you said you gave Mary Jane a pearl necklace.

We're in a lot of trouble, guys.

We're in a lot of trouble.

We're not drug dealers. We're fund raisers.

We're talkin' about Mary Jane

We're talkin' about Mary Jane Damn, this weed is good.

We've really gotta get this guy out of jail.

Weed out there, yo.

Welcome to my lair.

Well, abracadabra. Whoa!

Well, could you be a little more specific?

Well, did you get my message?

Well, how hard can it be, man? There's gotta be forms laying around.

Well, I can't.

Well, I heard he's got great weed, but that's neither here nor there.

Well, I want half,

Well, I wasn't, but then I decided I don't care what my friends think.

Well, if you think it's gonna help.

Well, sweet pea, we're all crippled in some way.

Well, that's all the more reason to toke up, man. Ease the pain.

Well, well, well, if it isn't Mr. Nice Guy.

Well, you know, I be from Jamaica, man. Lord have mercy.

WeWe just started this because our friend got locked up.

What a country!

What are you doing, man? Bouncy. Body.

What did I I told you he was real, man.

What did I tell you, Nate? Come on. Come on.

What do you guys want?

What do you know about this new Jamaican, this Mr. Nice Guy? Yeah.

What do you want, Master? Bitch, you know what I want.

What do you want?

What happened, man?

What happened? I didn't think you were gonna call me.

What if The Guy did it?

What is it? It's not the most honest plan. You might not like it.

What it smell like? Smell like...

What other choice do we have, right? Yeah.

What part of Jamaica?

What the fuck are you talkin' about, man?

What the fuck is 814?

What the hell did you give my Buttercup?

What the hell's wrong with y'all? She looked good.

What was important is that we cut a deal, and Kenny was finally free.

What we have here...

What y'all doin'? Nothin'.

What, did you go to weed college? Damn, ******.

What, you think I can just walk in and take this shit?

What? Abracadabra?

What? Oh, my God.

What's that like?

What's the matter? Let me inhale it. Let me have some.

What's up, dogs? Scoot over. Let me get in here, man.

What's up, man? What's up, boy?

What's up, yo? Nada. I'm just chillin'.

What's up? Nothin', man.

When I was young

When life is hard, I pick up that card with the smiley face

When you get in there, give him the 20 grand you owe him,

Which brings me to the Brooklyn Bridge,

Which I know might scare a lot of parents, seeing as how he's a weedhead and all.

Which, by our calculations Is fucking impossible, man!

Who is this Mr. Nice Guy?

Who is this? This is Samson, smarty pants.

Who the hell told you that? The guy who sold it to me. Barry Garcia.

Who's comin', man? Who's comin' with me?

Whoa! My nads! Oh!

Whoo!

Why am I tellin' Mary Jane I don't have any money? 'Cause you're a fibber.

Why do you think Samson thinks that Mr. Nice Guy's a Jamaican?

Why don't we sell that shit we smoked the other night, yo?

Why don't you light it up there, brother? All right. Here goes nothin'.

Why must you rage? Stop the hate, child.

Why the hell are you guys spendin' money? We're not drug dealers, remember?

Why you gotta make me feel inferior 'cause I'm on the grill, B? Damn!

Why? I just thought he sounded Jamaican inside my head.

Why? Why?

Word, yo? Yes!

Word, yo. Where the hell is he?

Would you like to hear some of my poetry? Not really.

Wow.

Wow. I mean, where do you even Just smoke it, yo!

Y'all don't know about Mary Jane Mary Jane

Yea!

Yeah, half an hour's cool. Great.

Yeah, it's bad enough you're a janitor, yo.

Yeah, man!

Yeah, mostly junk food.

Yeah, sure.

Yeah, sure. We can go for a walk.

Yeah, that's what I was sayin', yo.

Yeah, with your number on it. You know, I can't believe this!

Yeah, you're out. You're out of here. Free as a bird.

Yeah.

Yeah. And the rich greenery?

Yeah. Gonna do it till Kenny's out, and we're done.

Yeah. Hey, Guy.

Yeah. Look at that shit. Man.

Yeah. Mary Jane, I love you.

Yeah. That's what I'm talkin' about.

Yeah. Um, how long he been in there?

Yeah. Yeah, I think that's gonna help. You got a light?

Yeah. Yeah, wow.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. You suggested that already.

Yes, Mary Jane. I swear.

Yes, show me your mean face, Kenny.

Yes, very good.

Yes. Abracadabra.

Yes. But make sure you bring the order right back to me.

Yes. I'm sexy.

Yes. So what's up with this?

Yo, he killed Killer, man.

Yo, I'm gonna make a run for it, B.

Yo, let's go, B.

Yo, Samson did this, man.

Yo, The Guy, did you kill my dog?

Yo, this shit must be good, B.

Yo, Thurgood, why don't you get your boy, The Guy, to lend you some money?

Yo, who's on munchies tonight, yo? Not me.

Yo?

You always have to do something extreme to let 'em know you're cool.

You better hurry up. I get out in 11 days.

You can get the stuff at little corner stores called bodegas.

You certainly let him stay here long enough. Man, that's Brian's boy.

You didn't say nothin' about no door, yo. Chill out, man.

You don't have to take the subway. Wow, you smoke?

You don't smoke weed, do you?

You dumb son of a bitch! No!

You ever suck dick for marijuana? Huh?

You got a delivery guy at your house.

You got a problem with that?

You got me? Open and shut.

You got me? You paying attention?

You got the love that

You gotta know people to plug you into that kind of thing.

You gotta understand who Killer the dog was.

You guys feel like you're floating?

You guys gotta do something. There's this guy Nasty Nate who's after my cocktail fruit,

You guys, wait up!

You have smoked yourself retarded.

You heard the man. If we don't get this money, we're dead. All of us!

You hungry? Fuck you, ****a!

You in here because of marijuana?

You know how much condoms used to cost in them days? How much?

You know what? I was thinkin' it's so nice out,

You know, I have been Iying to you.

You know, I might've came on too strong with the whole ice cream thing.

You know, I think what they're tryin' to say is we'd love a ride home.

You know, if you want to double your profits, you should rob that lab.

You know, uh,

You like popcorn.

You look great. You look wonderful. Thank you.

You make about 40, 000, 50, 000 a week.

You mean the game that you run, yo?

You must seek therapy. That's what I would go with, but that's my own...

You my only friend.

You really should.

You should be happy with the tip I gave you. Damn.

You should be kissing my ass. You guys are greedy.

You smoke weed? At last we can share everything.

You son of a bitch! Yes. Could I have a Pepsi, please?

You spent $250 on a used dog?

You sure I should do this, man?

You tell Mr. Nice Guy to get his Jamaican ass...

You understand?

You walk around on both legs, homo erectus!

You wanna know what happened? I'll tell you what happened.

You want highs, mediums or lows? How are the highs, man?

You want some candy? Uh, no, thanks.

You want to hear what I think, man?

You, yo. Me?

You're all the Mary Jane I'll ever need.

You're dead! All of you!

You're hungry, aren't ya? Here.

You're not a fish. You're a man.

You're welcome, Brian.

You've got the love that

You've got the match

You've got to be the dumbest dealers in the history of the dope game.

814.

'cause he thinks marijuana makes every activity that much better.

'Cause I bought a dog, B. Bought a dog?

'Cause it's hard bein' black and gifted

'Cause next time I come for you, I'm gonna want some cocktailfruit.

'Course across town, the kid's Nana's smokin' up, tryin' to ease her glaucoma.

$20, 000 a week, or you're dead!

Half Baked (1998)
Half Baked is a comedy film released in 1998 that has become a cult classic among stoner movies. Directed by Tamra Davis and written by Dave Chappelle and Neal Brennan, the movie revolves around the misadventures of four friends living in New York City who decide to sell marijuana to bail their incarcerated friend, Kenny (played by Harland Williams), out of jail. Chappelle himself leads the cast as Thurgood Jenkins, alongside Jim Breuer as Brian, Guillermo Díaz as Scarface, and Rachel True as Mary Jane. The film hilariously explores themes of friendship, love, and the absurdity of the criminal justice system, all with a generous dose of weed humor. It also features memorable cameo appearances, including Dave Chappelle's own portrayal of the flamboyant, weed-loving character, Sir Smoke-a-Lot. For fans of the movie, you can immerse yourself in its sounds by playing and downloading their iconic lines, catchphrases, and memorable moments from various online platforms. These sounds effortlessly capture the essence and nostalgia of Half Baked, reminding fans of the unique hilarity that the film brought to screens over two decades ago.
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