Mascots (2016) Edit

A Moosing Grace. A Mascot's Journey to God and Success in Real Estate.

A non league team in South Croydon.

A place called Mount Rushmore,

A spiritual community called Highway to Heaven,

A thousand seats,

A very messy personal life and a terrible driving record,

About some of the prep, that I call it, for the show.

Actually, we have one teacher who's not completely blind.

After all this time. Uh...

After Connor went to college, I had all this free time, I thought,

After his Coco Pops, he said he was gonna go and take that ladder back

Again, in any situation.

All in favor of the motion, say "aye" and lift your hands up.

All of us are going down there because we have a passion for this craft.

All right, let me stop you right there. Why can't you hear them?

All right, Monty, we need to step on it, buddy.

All right, well, I'm listening to you now.

All right? Good luck, mate.

All right.

All the way across the front there.

All those years in the shop, I used to say to you,

All you can eat.

Almost like a T. Rex.

Alvin is Alvin.

Alvin the Armadillo.

And a severe severing of my adductor longus muscle

And added two and a half inches to my left leg, forcing me to retire.

And ask him if he finds the term "squaw" offensive.

And believe me, every mascot knows just how important those awards can be,

And believe me, it wasn't cheap.

And cheerleading, and scholarship, and, um...

And determine whether or not they want to have it on television.

And entertain our citizens, we got a pretty solid future.

And for me, the glass is not half empty, and the glass is not half full.

And for me, the sound of that sound...

And frankly, I'm more offended by the word "leaping."

And he goes, "Well, not like that. You would be in my act as a straight man."

And he said, "No, those are just your eyes."

And he'll just go, "That's a masterpiece," or something. You know what I mean?

And her grown son has moved out of the house,

And I can move, and they can watch me move,

And I can't tell you how much I appreciate you coming all the way from New York.

And I feel so fulfilled, too,

And I fell.

And I found out when I was 16 that my mother, who lives in Electric Mills,

And I go home, and I start researching a little bit,

And I got somethin' percolating in my brain.

And I have volunteered to perform

And I hope she's here to stay. And...

And I hope you're proud of yourselves

And I hope you've got the receipt,

And I just...

And I know that you have the... whole physical thing going.

And I like how that felt, and he, uh...

And I lived and breathed my mascot life, like, 25/8.

And I love Dad, and I love his routine,

And I popped a lot of money for those tickets,

And I see that they're movin' through me and what I do.

And I sprained my ankle, and I had to hobble.

And I think I've had maybe, oh...

And I think we can do it. We'll put our heads together.

And I was a cheerleader in high school, so, um...

And I was bouncing in a place called the Cabbage Patch.

And I was like, "Right on, dude. I'm straight and I party."

And I was like, "Yeah, I'm your sister. I love you."

And I was wondering if maybe you'd like to be my guest.

And I wouldn't be the least bit surprised if we sell out this year.

And I...

And I... [chuckles]

And I'd had a bit involving the ladder, but my dad's not too keen.

And I'll find a Jaffa Cake and all if I can.

And I'm a judge this year for the Fluffies.

And I'm a junior executive at the Gluten Free Channel.

And I'm doing a pratfall,

And I'm not saying crabs walk like that,

And I'm sorry. I'm sorry for your syphilis.

And I've had a lot of personal growth.

And if that happens, well... it's like a whole new level.

And if you throw a little twist in,

And in 1905, the club was formed by the workers at the pudding factory.

And it is now my honor to introduce to you, Gabby Monkhouse.

And it is possible that could happen,

And it said, "I'm your sister."

And it wasn't the beauty alone.

And it's been unbelievable since.

And it's enabled me to quit my job as a real estate appraiser.

And it's fascinating

And it's going well.

And it's not. It's "Jolly."

And making my way, you know, into a crevasse. You know, rappelling.

And meet me here.

And Michael Landon stared back at me through the screen as if to say,

And my father, um...

And my manager was like, "Shut it down." I was like, "What? This is too good."

And next year, fingers crossed, if we're really, really lucky,

And no winner was unanimous.

And not only that, but I mean, he was like,

And now she is divorced,

And now, the World Mascot Association Bronze Fluffy goes to...

And of course, none of this would be possible

And particularly Jessica here.

And people are already lining up

And plus, I get out on top.

And plus, there's gonna be some plumbers in the audience.

And right now, cochlear sex is really trending very hot.

And Ruby has a little one. Ruby Jr.

And said, "It ain't working."

And Santa just went right down.

And Sarah and I now run a lovely little vegetarian café in Purley.

And say hello and meet and greet somebody maybe you've never met before?

And several, several countries.

And she says it so much

And she was so good. She was... You were so good.

And she wrote me another note and passed it.

And she's living in Orange County, California.

And so, certainly, congratulations to all the finalists.

And so, eventually,

And so, I found, as the game progressed, that...

And some opposing players and team mascots.

And that began what is really a family dynasty now.

And that means I'm...

And that really... I mean, that used to, literally, never happen.

And that was kind of a crazy meeting

And that was when the nurse told me that I also had syphilis.

And that's when I clock the audience,

And that's when the crowd is starting to laugh

And the boat carrying Santa Claus turtled,

And the judges and I went through all the applications and the audition tapes,

And the part of the act that people really responded to

And then he wants to sniff it. He wants to sniff all my bags.

And then it's like, "Come on, let's go. Let's go."

And then my policeman Tourette's kicked in.

And then some other states, too.

And then the other piece is that it has kicked open some doors for me.

And then those things generally play well with women.

And then we have anchovy.

And then, of course, the audience is over here.

And then, we have the same birthday.

And then, when I was 16, on my 16th birthday, I got this.

And then, you couldn't do the pageants. So, that was...

And there's another pedal on top of that.

And they decided they wanted to have a mascot.

And they have a ladies fishin' night. We can all go out on a boat.

And they open 'em up.

And they put their hands in my hands

And they're gonna say, "Hey, a plumber wouldn't do that."

And they're starting to get enthusiastic.

And this exercise that I'm gonna teach you

And this is, by far, the best turnout we have ever had.

And those who can't teach gym, teach driver's ed.

And those who can't teach, teach gym,

And to be appreciated for excellence in my field...

And to be fair, I am currently serving

And turning around and acting all coy.

And we don't just work together on the field.

And we even had to hire translators

And we finally narrowed it down to 20 finalists.

And we get to spend way more time together.

And we got a sex problem

And we never really lived down the name the Channel That Killed Santa Claus.

And wear a fez?"

And what do we need to do? We need to change it.

And while I'm at it, if you're a young lady

And while you're at it, have Philip bring along a ladder."

And you can't trust Wikipedia, either.

And you keep knocking it down.

And you know, some of the great groups that I rely on

And you liked when I bought you the baseball team.

And you too.

And you were like, "I wish we could have eaten these popsicles beforehand."

And you'll see what's going on.

And, uh, I think what...

And, uh... [stammering] it grew from there, really.

And, uh... blow into the magical horn

And, um...

And, um...

And, um... it said, "No, you're really my sister.

And, um... you know, couple times a week,

And, you know, I I...

Another little person, shorter than you even.

Anyway, on from there, we went to the Varicose Vein Channel,

Apparently because he needs it to do a pogo stick routine.

Are Tom Thumb and Tiny Tim and Pinky Promise,

Are you centered?

Are you? Do you? I mean...

As my alternate.

Ask me for five bucks.

At a charity event that she's organizing for a group of disadvantaged children.

Babe.

Based on race, creed, gender or sexual orientation."

Based on the spiritual teachings

Bathroom's on the left.

Because he actually got into the club dressed as the Fist,

Because if one of the winners were to sign a major league contract,

Because she's working on the insides and I'm working on people's outsides.

Because so many people think mascotting's been around for 200 years.

Because that's what people'd be looking at.

Because the Gluten Free Channel is sending two executives to watch our show

Because there are some kind of weird languages out there.

Because, later on that year...

Because, literally,

Before that, I was a PA on the hit show Does That Smell Normal?

Behind the kettle, Dad.

Benny the Banana Slug [whispering] failed his drug test.

Best mascot in the world, ever... that year.

Between the age of 48 and 68 in Manitoba, Canada,

Big ladder.

Blumquist, AJ. They should have the John Wayne suite ready.

Boys are looking good. Clemence!

Bronze Fluffy, Silver Fluffy and Gold Fluffy.

But as I lay there in the hospital bed,

But crabby walk gets you in a frame of mind of...

But especially on the side of a mountain, where you feel...

But having crampons on a glacier with an ice ax

But he's East Indian. He's not Native American.

But I also think it's from other people, too.

But I didn't live then, sadly enough.

But I do have a ticket for the mascot competition in Anaheim,

But I enjoy it. It's fine. It's all a bit of banter.

But I have a lot of fans in Mexico, south of the border,

But I know exactly how it happened, and, uh...

But I licked my wounds. I just kept going.

But I love him!

But I really think now is the moment

But I really wanna spend my time giving back.

But I'd like another button on there. Something that's a little more satisfying.

But if a rabbi can get together with a worm

But in my real life, I am Jack the Plumber...

But in one second, you're not here and I'm still here."

But instead, he was promised an empire.

But it felt respectful.

But it meant... "Gay" meant something different...

But it's all gonna be worth it

But it's easier to prepare vegetables than meat.

But it's just not...

But since you are representing something that might be considered offensive,

But studying dance was really, uh...

But that's not the point.

But the popcorn is really, really going on strong,

But the teachers can see.

But then we discovered

But then, the scritching thing you said, what is that?

But we're not on a team anymore?

But when I woke up in the emergency room, I thought to myself,

But with support groups, I've made a lot of progress.

But yeah, she wound up marrying Steve Nunan, captain of the soccer team,

But you can.

But you know, fuck it.

But you know, they ate it up, so to speak.

But you know, you can go too far and then...

But, uh... you always gotta keep your wits about you, don't ya?

But, you know, and that's the kind of chemistry that we have now.

But, you know, the muscle cars and the large cigars.

But... you, you're a better Sid than I could have ever been.

By this time next year.

Call the morgue.

Called Do the Backs of My Legs Look Like Waffles?

Campbell Tile and Carpet. You say it, we lay it.

Can I give you some advice, Hedgehog?

Can I help who's next?

Can you feel the excitement in the air?

Caught my eye because they pulled these incredible numbers out

Coins?

Colorado...

Come on now. We talked about this.

Congratulations to Sid the Hedgehog and all of our contestants!

Congratulations, Heshe.

Congratulations, Jack. Well deserved.

Congratulations, Sid. Congratulations.

Congratulations, Sid. Congratulations.

Couple of beats after the solo, I missed a couple of steps, you know...

Courage. You're drinking for courage.

Dad... Dad was Sid before me, and his dad was Sid before him.

Dehydration, heat exhaustion, the hours in the head, what was it for?

Did he yip or did he yiff?

Do it.

Do what you wanna do, then take it back and get your money back.

Do you prescribe antidepressants?

Do you remember Mr. Drum's technology class,

Do you wanna piss on tradition? Do you? Go to Her Majesty.

Dogs are funny, aren't they?

Don't know. I'm not in that business.

Each one of us had to serve as a tiebreaker.

Even if they don't know who you are.

Excuse me. Purley.

Failure is not an option.

Favorite? Well, they're all about as good as each other, I think.

First, FYI, I found out it's free sausage night tonight at the waffle place.

Five years ago at a mascot competition.

For a...

For about a little over two years.

For me to finish with the big ladder routine.

For me, it is that sound. The sound of that crowd.

For some physical incidents that took place between myself

For the entire length of an extra inning baseball game

For the paper machine.

For the two people that don't know, Danny the Donkey, my mascot, alter ego,

For the World Mascot Association Championships.

For which I was the mascot.

FRC was next, the Fence and Railing Channel.

From Amelia Earhart College for Women in Mississippi,

From Beaumont College in Modesto, California,

From Beaumont College in Modesto, California.

From the Chanderaihi Cricket Club in India,

From the South Fork Herons in Kansas,

From the Tussolon Tigers in Israel.

From the Willingham Rovers in London, England,

From the World Mascot Association goes to...

Fun story. Initially, we were going to be,

George Washington...

Georgia, Florida...

Get back here.

Get back here. Stop that rabbit!

Get it? [laughs]

Give yourselves a round of applause.

Go get 'em, Tiny.

God bless, sweetheart.

Going to college on a cheerleading scholarship.

Golly the Gay, Golly Gosh Gay, Gay Man Golly.

Great. God bless each and every one of you.

Had an affair with her daddy, who runs a filling station.

Hanging from a cliff, you know, from a technical climb,

Have a seat. Let me give you a hand here, buddy.

Have fun.

Have you drank any alcohol today?

He ain't in the building. We've already been here!

He came to me and he said, "I need a straight man for my act,"

He continues to show me a good time. He tells me whatever I do is cool.

He did it!

He explained it to me and I figured it out,

He is your son.

He put the team in my name, and that meant a lot, too.

He said, "Skip," and I said, "No, my name's Buddy."

He was gone,

He was great, wasn't he? [laughs]

He was not making me do a bunch of weird stuff all in one night.

He was not...

He was Randy the Elephant. He was a great, great man.

He went looking for that empire.

He wouldn't have had to do it at all if you hadn't told him to do it.

He'll get out, so...

He's always loved it more than I did.

He's just... If you listen...

He's legally blind.

He's missin' a little button at the end of his act,

He's missin' somethin'.

He's never late for anything. It doesn't make sense.

He's showing me the ropes.

Hedgehog.

Hello, there. I'm Upton French.

Hello, uh, I'm Owen Golly Jr.

Hello!

Hello. This is Cindi.

Help. Help! [laughs]

Her inner soul, heart, mind, all the nerves, that whole world.

Here we go. Other side.

Heshe and the Worm.

Heshe the Rabbi and Willy the Worm, Tussolon Tigers Canoe Team, Israel.

Hey, partner. What's the problem?

Hey, Phil. How are you feeling? Nervous?

Hey, you okay?

Hey.

Hi, there.

Hiding under coffee tables and behind sofas.

Highway to Heaven. Wow, yeah.

Holy cow.

How do you drive a car? Does some... Do you sit on someone's lap or what?

Huh?

Hundreds of mascots wanted to compete in this year's competition.

I always thought he was ****stani.

I am the official mascot of the Blue Lake Mallards.

I bet it's a real tiny, little car, is it?

I brought my nail art here, to the seniors.

I call this the crabby walk, okay?

I can climb it. It's fine.

I can move any way I want, and, um... I love it.

I can see some of you out there sizing up the competition,

I can use my dance, and I can help heal people, really.

I can't go up there and do something you've been doing your whole life.

I can't take my eyes off of you. You're a funny little guy.

I can't tell you how excited I am to be here.

I can't wait to see you do it.

I definitely wanna do this jousting thing.

I didn't know that. Would you excuse me just for a second?

I didn't watch the whole thing, but you did a great job.

I do.

I don't hate your eyes.

I don't know if you can smell it,

I don't know if you know who Jack the Plumber is.

I don't know if you've heard of it, where they have a facade

I don't know it like you do. You are Alvin.

I don't know what I'd do without her.

I don't know, but I found him licking his lips and saying,

I don't know!

I don't remember that.

I don't think it's overstating anything

I don't think so. I think I'm in the John Wayne suite.

I feel like I wanna give you another hug.

I find it so peaceful, and I just...

I give it a beat or two.

I got a really great job

I got you this time. You get back here right now.

I gotta go.

I guess.

I had to find some electrical tape, but we're all good.

I had to wash it away with a little moist towelette,

I have a pretty standard car.

I have Ruby and Jamaica.

I haven't left him, and I think it's because...

I hope you rot in hell.

I just called him Eddy.

I just cut out the middleman and went straight to the fist...

I just feel horrible.

I just wanna stick a hairbrush down there and get it out.

I kind of would love to try sushi.

I know we talked about it. We've talked about it a lot.

I know you.

I know. I know. I'm not disqualified.

I like 'em, yeah.

I like a guy that just thinks everything I do is great.

I like to put my lips on it.

I looked up at the television, and Highway to Heaven was on...

I lost it in a skateboarding accident.

I love all kinds of dancing. I can hip hop. I can pop.

I love him like a son.

I love old people, so... I always have.

I love rappelling because I love holding rope.

I love talking to them, and I love being just quiet with them.

I love that you came.

I love you. You're an old pillock, but I love you.

I love, um... I love putting on the mask,

I loved it. I've been doing it for a long time.

I made a reservation. I got a confirmation number right here.

I make a third of the money, but I'm 50% happier, so...

I mean, did they make you this size just to fit in the Worm costume?

I mean, I remember, I was like, "Oh, my God."

I mean, I'll make some macramé shit bag, you know?

I mean, it was just a fiasco. Emotionally, professionally, personally.

I mean, you can go back to like 1500 BC.

I missed you, too. Mmm.

I need to see your driver's license and proof of registration.

I need you.

I once held the splits

I pretty much grew up at Peacedale Park.

I put you down...

I really think it can be much better.

I remember the mascot. I didn't know that was you.

I see my role in the controversy that was involved in that.

I show up with my bottles of paint, and my nail files and my brushes and...

I sold the butcher's...

I spread it out.

I started as Kenny the Kangaroo for a local high school football team.

I stay away from medical terms like micropenis.

I studied music and dance therapy here at the college,

I think "squaw" is sweet.

I think a lot of people say,

I think I saw you.

I think Mascotting is... To me, it's all about giving back, you know.

I thought I was meant to get out and come and...

I thought the guy was going for my wallet, so I turned around real quick.

I thought the pencil was pretty great.

I thought we were practicing this... This part.

I thought your son's name was Connor.

I understand that.

I used to stand at the Flange Road end behind the goal,

I want him out of the building. I want him on the street.

I want you to look at the tip of my pen. All right?

I was a better Sid than my dad ever was,

I was born... I was born like this.

I was in the other room, and one of them kind of bumped into me.

I was kind of browsing around escort services,

I was online one day.

I was probably this high, you know... [exhales]

I went to the Fluffies five years ago, and I got honorable mention.

I will then surrender the mic to the lady.

I will.

I wonder if that's a real rabbi.

I would second that.

I wrote a tale... [chuckles] documenting that journey.

I'd like to make a motion that we reject the claim against this young lady.

I'll be the tall one looking at you.

I'll be watching from the wings.

I'll go down into the tunnel, where we all live

I'll tell you what,

I'm also currently serving a lifetime ban from the Calgary Cavaliers

I'm Alvin the Armadillo, or Armadilla, depending on where you're from.

I'm always telling him how good he is!

I'm an armadillo. We're not the Leaping Squaws anymore.

I'm an aromatic engineer.

I'm Choctaw.

I'm Cindi Babineaux.

I'm crazy about you.

I'm doing the best I can with...

I'm drinking for courage. I'm in it to win it.

I'm Gabby Monkhouse. I'm in the John Wayne suite.

I'm gonna be around like minded people.

I'm gonna do the ladder routine that I've been working on.

I'm gonna drop my stuff, my gear, there.

I'm gonna enter from over here. Got my bag of... bag of tricks.

I'm gonna say, "Pal, you're gonna get this."

I'm gonna take you with me when I climb Mount Everest.

I'm good at hearing things in voices, and you had a thing with the scritching.

I'm in the business of "it needs to be higher," though.

I'm just not offended by the word "squaw." It means a little Indian girl.

I'm not gonna be able...

I'm not mental. I love meat.

I'm originally from Ireland.

I'm phallically challenged...

I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry you can't do it. I really am.

I'm sorry, babe.

I'm sorry, but rule 22C

I'm the program manager of the Gluten Free Channel,

I'm Tommy.

I'm too sick.

I'm trying to get pregnant, so I'm not drinking.

I'm worried that my act is gonna get kind of lost on them.

I've been better.

I've been running around like a chicken with my head cut off,

I've been working on this routine for months, Dad, and it's good.

I've come up with what I like to call the scented cup.

I've got bruschetta.

I've got loads of it in the motor home if you want.

I've never been out and about like this before.

I've never thought of "squaw" as being an offensive term.

I've seen the Americans' acts. They're bigger. They've got big finishes.

I've told you time and time again about the ladder routine,

I've weighed 161 pounds since 11th grade.

If he ain't here, we're gonna have to call the police.

If he yiffs... If that happens, well, then you got a problem.

If I lived then, I'd be on the right, be something different, be fun, go nuts.

If I told you you moved your head, you moved your head. Correct?

If you got people yipping and yiffing and skipping and all that stuff.

In any of your social media, "Hashtag, in your ear,"

In fact, could you all just take a moment

In my pretend life, I am a real estate appraiser.

In spite of excruciating pain...

In the field.

Is nature personified, okay?

Is not in service at this time.

Is that a fact? Well, all I want is one.

Is that a margarita machine?

Is that how you got to this size?

Is that we are no longer Mascotting.

Isn't this something?

It all comes down to the next few minutes.

It costs a fortune to phone foreign, don't it?

It could be my last time, you know? This could be my last hurrah.

It had bugs in it.

It has come to our attention

It is truly a dream come true for me.

It is. David's my fiancé.

It is. It's an outfit.

It looks, from your breathing, like you might not be centered.

It might just be hers.

It seemed different. The...

It took away a lot of purpose from me.

It took me seven and a half years to graduate, but I did.

It was around that time that I got into sports mascotry.

It was for today.

It was immense.

It was one of them football notes.

It was one of those small commuter planes, and I kind of... [mimics retching]

It was so sweet, and it just...

It was this sweet, sweet...

It wiped me out of pep rallies and homecoming

It would've been in my hometown. It would've been in Medicine Hat, Alberta.

It's a bit of a legacy. It's not what I dreamed of doing.

It's a form of affection. Furries love to do it.

It's a form of roleplay. It's huge.

It's a pedal extender. And that's it.

It's a squirrel.

It's always full.

It's amazing I made it through school at all.

It's been an emotional day 'cause we lost someone today.

It's been exciting, you know, just to be celebrated...

It's Daddy.

It's for a new bit.

It's hard to do that wrong.

It's hard to thank people when they hurt your face.

It's just a little strain and, uh... Yeah.

It's like a friend in my mouth.

It's like I can be...

It's like nature saying, with a big hand, slapping you across the face and saying,

It's like, you know, walking around with a porta potty.

It's okay.

It's okay. You can help me just by sittin' down. That's fine.

It's one of the few instances of sadism in the animal world.

It's the same as the c word, or the n word or something.

It's what we always do at church. Isn't that fun?

It's what we've all been waiting for.

Jack the Plumber enters, and he's kind of big and looking around,

Jack the Plumber, Beaumont College, Modesto, California.

Jack the Plumber.

Just a nipper when I first went to the ground.

Just being inside of him.

Just don't make me carry it. Please.

Just someone who likes to dress up like an animal with human characteristics.

Just stay off of it for a couple of days...

Kirby, what's up, bro?

Knock, knock, knock. Hello.

Laci passed me a note in class.

Laci, with an "I."

Laci...

Lead the way, my honor.

Let's go and see him! Let's go and see him!

Like you, yes.

Listen to me.

Looking at 'em and thinking, "That's my arch enemy."

Looking good, boys. Looking good!

Lot of people say I'm the bad boy of sports mascotry.

Mascots?

Maybe 200 feet?

Might be the first little guy to be up there.

Might have been "yiff." And I said he was going for the wallet.

Mike has IBS, so it's tough.

Miss Babineaux, a formal complaint has been lodged against you.

Mm hmm.

Mm hmm.

Mmm.

Mmm... I don't know about that.

More just where your eyes end up

More like he was going for loose change, if you know what I'm saying. All right?

Mr. Lumpkin.

My classmates loved that one.

My favorite kind of dance is modern.

My name is Phil Mayhew.

My name is Ron. I'm the Worm.

My name is Tommy, also known as the Fist.

My parents founded a...

My shell.

My swan song.

My wife says that I look like I have cataracts.

My wife's... I'm not.

Never comes out in the day... Maria.

Never listened to my own advice, did I?

Never. Me too.

New York?

No plus one.

No, Dad, there wasn't just a ladder there. I bought that ladder.

No, I announce the gold category.

No, I can do that.

No, I just...

No, I was distracted.

No, sir, you're actually in the Slim Pickens suite.

No, they made me this size when I was born.

No, we're at the Burbank office.

No, you gotta do it.

No, you're not a brilliant listener.

No? Really?

No. God, no. He was insistent.

No. I couldn't resist.

Not my words. The words of Michael Landon.

Nothing. It's just... I think a furry snuck in, and he's scritching.

Now, because there's a ladder here...

Now, go get 'em.

Now, I didn't even know that you could still get syphilis,

Nursing my shattered ribs and my pulsating groin,

Of four of our Founding Fathers on this mountain.

Of Michael Landon in the 1980s' TV program.

Of this very difficult show.

Official mascot for the Beaumont College football team.

Oh, all right.

Oh, are you kidding me? It's my pleasure.

Oh, baby.

Oh, boy, what's her name? [chuckles nervously]

Oh, God. I've been calling him Kent.

Oh, good. Hope you liked what you saw.

Oh, gosh! [chuckles]

Oh, hello. You're too young to be drinking that.

Oh, I could read it if you don't have it prepared.

Oh, I could read it if you don't have it prepared.

Oh, I see. I thought maybe they shrunk you down or somethin'.

Oh, I've missed you.

Oh, it's like a special treat for them, yeah.

Oh, man. It was good times.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Honey, did I ever tell ya?

Oh, my.

Oh, my. Well, it doesn't matter to him.

Oh, no way. That is gonna be good. This is Cindi.

Oh, no, these kids, they just wanna have a good time.

Oh, now, I'm not a good listener?

Oh, so, you're a legitimate little person?

Oh, sorry. That was my fault.

Oh, sweetie.

Oh, thank you. Thank you.

Oh, thanks, Dad.

Oh, that's beautiful.

Oh, that's okay. Why don't I give you a tour?

Oh, the greedy little bugger. Do you have any coins?

Oh, the kids are so excited.

Oh, yeah. "And carry a selfie stick.

Oh, you know what? He probably did a nickname thing, "Dibs." D I B S.

Oh, you still throwing up?

Oh, you wanna try my gum?

Oh, you're the Worm!

Oh!

Oh! [chuckles]

Oh! He's a little baby. He's a little baby.

Oh.

Ohio, Indiana, Kentucky...

Okay, Alvin, do my sister good.

Okay, but you can tell me with your mouth and not your hands.

Okay, he yipped. If he yipped, that means "hello."

Okay, I'll drive the first shift. Sure.

Okay, right.

Okay, so you want me to recruit a little person for you?

Okay, we actually have you for the Slim Pickens suite.

Okay, well, I hope you have two eyes on the show tonight. [chuckles]

Okay, well, that was too...

Okay, yeah, but I always get chosen for a TSA pat down,

Okay.

Okay.

Okay. All right.

Okay. Crabby walk.

Okay. Right, okay. All right.

Once his knees started going, he was insistent that I took over.

Only... Well, 37% of them apparently enjoy sex very much,

Ooh.

Or biscuits or like...

Or I'm, like, pretending to grab the ref's butt

Or... or having crampons on, which I like to do anyway.

Oregon, Texas, New Mexico,

Otherwise, you know, people think you're talking about something else.

Our chemicals are the same.

Our first contestants,

Our tradition is great.

Owen Golly Sr. Sr., got chosen to be Sid the Hedgehog,

Part of what's helped, and probably the biggest change,

People aren't supposed to eat live fish.

People from the northwest are going crazy for this, this anchovy.

Playing Jack the Plumber at trade shows for a company that makes high end rivets,

Please welcome back our celebrity judges.

Please welcome our celebrity judges.

Pointy and Grindy.

Porta potties, I've been in. Many of them.

Pull over immediately.

Pulled in some very big numbers on a special I ran

Punt.

Really, everybody involved in that production

Religious commune, I suppose you'd call it.

Remember, in this country, you could be anything you want to be.

Right.

Right. It kind of just wiped me out.

Right... but look up. Don't be afraid of looking up.

Robin Wexler, the hottest girl at Higbee High School.

Robin, I don't know if you're busy tomorrow,

Sadly, I've had to hand the mantle of Sid back to Dad.

Sadly, my career in sports mascotry was cut short due to an injury I sustained

Sarah loves it. Sarah loves the whole...

Scritching is simply light scratching or grooming.

Season 1, Episode 8 of Highway to Heaven.

Secondly, and more important, how do you feel it went out there?

See, this is Alvin right here. I love him.

Sexual incident

Shalom.

She has Munchausen syndrome.

She's always running around,

She's like a nine year old girl at Christmas.

She's not a junior.

She's really supportive of... She's my rock.

Sid the Hedgehog to the stage.

Sid the Hedgehog, Sid the Hedgehog."

Sid the Hedgehog.

Sit down, shut up. Enjoy the show.

Six temporary suspensions from different stadiums

SN1 went under, as it were.

So how can you tell where my eyes are gonna end up?

So I did...

So I'm gonna walk it off.

So I'm lovin' it.

So sort of it's a family tradition. We've all done it.

So they had... I think they had trials that next week,

So when he didn't get love from his father,

So, apparently,

So, have fun. I'm gonna have a cup of tea. I'll see you in a while.

So, I hate to put you on the spot, but which mascot was your favorite?

So, I think that goes to show the high level of competition,

So, I'm excited to get down there.

So, I'm just exhausted. [chuckles nervously]

So, I'm really enjoying it quite a bit.

So, make sure you spell it or say it, "In your ear."

So, they suspended him for a little while, and he just came back, you know.

So, we had to switch it up.

So, we thought, "Well, that's not gonna work for..."

So, what does it matter what they think?

So, why don't you grab a friend, head on down there and check it out?

So, you know, that got me interested in Mascotting.

So, you know, we just took a long, hard look at our lives

So, you say, "Crabby walk," and crabby walk...

So, you say, "Crabby walk," and crabby walk...

So, you went to Higbee?

So, you'll fool 'em and show 'em the right moves.

So... probably mention that. [chuckles]

So... spoiler alert, we really hit it off on Facebook Messenger.

Sometimes not even to eat 'em. Just... just for fun.

Sometimes, I'll go to a movie in the middle of the afternoon. [chuckles]

Sort of the watchword is with us is "commitment."

Starting with the sailing networks, SN1 and 2.

States that the president cannot disclose the identity of the formal complainant.

Steve Redington.

Stop worrying about the poor little ladder, Dad.

Strictly speaking, I took a vow of silence.

Sure. Sure, sure.

Sweetheart. Oh!

Ta da!

Talk to your Native American friends.

Tammy and Ollie.

Tasmania, Finland.

Tell me everything. This fascinates the hell out of me.

Ten hours' sleep this entire week.

Thank you all so much for coming today.

Thank you, Buddy. Thank you so much.

Thank you, though. I got this.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you. I wrote a book, and I got more applause than you did.

Thank you. Thanks very much.

Thanks.

Thanks.

That bridge out of Popsicle sticks?

That brings me up to the day that I met this one here.

That eventually required four hours of surgery

That have helped me accept who I am as a man.

That I actually went to an ophthalmologist and got it checked out,

That is a tough group of boys. We beat 'em last time,

That is the greatest sound in the world.

That lasted all of one game. Caused a lot of controversy.

That runs in over two cities nationwide.

That the killer whale is the natural enemy of the turtle.

That took place between myself and their team owner's wife.

That vanilla wrap is such a must have. I love it.

That was, like, 100 years ago or somethin'.

That your college basketball team is nicknamed the Leaping Squaws,

That'll be a fun trip.

That's 'cause you're probably smelling mine.

That's a match.

That's great. Do you care if I bring David?

That's like first place, really, but it's a weird first place, and, uh...

That's me.

That's nice.

That's not what he's saying, though, is it?

That's one of the last joys in life, sharpening a pencil.

That's one piece of it,

That's right. They don't.

That's Tiny. Did you meet him? The Worm?

That's weird, but...

That's when I come out of the tunnel with a T shirt cannon or a beach ball.

That's when I'm gonna take a bit of a break

That's why I've been working really hard on the...

The best sort of baby.

The biggest news being...

The channel's owned by Panorama Datacom, and I've done a bunch of shows for them,

The day that I got her that baseball team, the look on her face,

The Egyptians, you know, they only paint with everybody looking to the left.

The Fist.

The Fist.

The Gluten Free Channel can't find out about this.

The Gold Fluffy goes to...

The gold would have been nice, but... next year.

The kind you're like, "Could they really be that in love?"

The ladder comes down from...

The mascot competition was a tipping point for us.

The second place, or silver category of Fluffy,

The second the first mascot walks through these doors.

The sushi...

The uh... you know, the club tattoo.

The Vernon Community College baseball team's mascot.

The white haired crowd is gonna go mad, right?

Then I give 'em a little, "I can't hear you. I can't hear you."

Then you know what that smells like.

There are some seats still available.

There once was a boy who wanted a father,

There was a bit of a thing in your voice.

There's a busload of people coming.

There's a factory here, and then there's two spoons.

There's also another reason that I am excited about going down there,

There's something about being in the wild that always connected me to the world.

There's the standard, "He runs, he kicks, he's got 100 pricks.

There's, um...

They could quite possibly end up making a six figure salary

They don't. They just, uh...

They just hang in a closet.

They might enjoy meeting you...

They're 24 and 22 now, so they're big. They're big girls.

They're gonna be your toughest critics.

They're like if two clouds had babies.

They've got fireworks and pyros and dancing girls.

Think about it.

This could be grounds for disqualification.

This is the last place we look.

This place is massive.

This right here is where all the mascots are gonna be performing.

This year is especially important

Throwing up and diarrhea.

To be honest, I was a little nervous about the poo,

To find me involved in a very lewd act with his wife and his sister.

To find me involved in a very lewd act with his wife and his sister.

To keep things moving, to the first place, or gold, category...

To me, the glass is full.

To present the World Mascot Association's highest honor.

To say that I was the first female to bring notoriety to our field

Today is the day that you go out there and you show the world who Phil Mayhew is.

Tommy Zucarello, plus one.

Tonight, we are all friends.

Took 'em to a ball game.

Trapped.

Twenty three and a half years.

Two of us can go for the same price as one ticket.

Uh, at the game, I could feel that I cranked it coming off the mini tramp,

Uh, granddad... my granddad came up with a little family phrase,

Uh, how high is this ceiling?

Uh, Kevin the Killer Whale and Tammy Turtle,

Uh, no. Most of the teachers are blind.

Uh, this guy picked me up. I was working at the Elevator Channel.

Uh, we hired Courtney.

Uh, yeah. Tommy's in there, but there's no plus one.

Uh...

Uh...

Uh...

Um, here in the United States, we have, in the state of South Carolina,

Um, I actually met Zook first time... Gosh.

Um, I had a little dream in my heart of...

Um, I'm a third generation mascot and butcher.

Um, sort of. It's really... It's a modern dance piece.

Um, well, you know, there's gonna be... The toilet is up here.

Um...

Um...

Um...

Underneath that, there's a ring.

Unfortunately, it is still on the Internet.

Up, up, up, up, up and stop.

Very nice.

Very posh, isn't it?

Was he an angel?

Was I ever here?

Was it all right? Was it good?

Was really fun.

Was the fighting that Kenny would get into at the end.

Was the first one to have an anatomically correct costume.

We are off the field over at Rhea Perlman Middle School,

We both decided to volunteer at the retirement home for mascots.

We did have a very good looking pole driver on there,

We did it.

We did Santa's Rocking Holiday Regatta,

We done a girl baby.

We give away three Fluffy Awards or, as we like to call them, "Fluffies."

We go to the same church, so I thought it was...

We gotta do 2,000 miles in three days.

We have 24 booths in all. Three more than last year.

We have a great selection of candy and soft drinks.

We have bigger fish to fry. We have a drug problem.

We just came down the 5, took 30 minutes.

We just might be televised.

We really appreciate it. We'll see you here next year.

We should get in. Let's go.

We took our kids, Muffy, Ponce, Sugito and um...

We were crackin' up.

We'll probably see you later then, I guess.

We're committed.

We're gonna have a judges' table set up right over that way.

We're gonna talk for a little bit, okay?

We're jolly, as in gay."

We're those people now.

We've got a beautiful routine. It's lovely.

Welcome to the 8th World Mascot Association Championships.

Well done. You should be a therapist, you should be.

Well, all I'm saying is, sometimes, you need to listen to other people.

Well, he slept with someone.

Well, hell, everyone knows the Founding Fathers.

Well, I know, but that's why I love him.

Well, I'm awfully glad I have this woman in my life,

Well, I'm Jessica Mundt,

Well, I'm not wearing a head,

Well, I've had three yeast infections since my divorce.

Well, it is my honor, ladies and gentlemen,

Well, it shouldn't.

Well, maybe not in words.

Well, my head's still kinda in the head right now,

Well, my name is AJ Blumquist, and I'm a former mascot, Danny the Donkey.

Well, not tonight.

Well, one is in Asia. One is in the American continent.

Well, thank you. Hi! Good to see you all.

Well, the time is here.

Well, they were watching the mascots more than they were watching the game.

Well, um... I...

Well, what else has happened? Oh, um...

Well, what is the difference?

Well, why didn't he do it yesterday?

Well, yeah, but your dad wouldn't let you get away with not doing it.

Well, yeah. Your network's in New York, right?

Well, you don't tell him. And words are useful, aren't they?

Well, you look great. I don't see anything on your shirt.

Well...

What about the Fist? Is there the Fist plus one?

What are you doing, Zook? Let's go, man. We gotta get you suited up.

What are you doing? You're ruining this!

What are you going after there, sarge?

What did Dr. Ezefee say about hate speech?

What did you say your name was?

What do I do? What do I do? What? Pull over.

What do you mean what am I doing? Is this what's happening right now?

What do you think? Just guesstimate?

What happened?

What have we got, the Cougars on Saturday?

What have you got planned here? I've been thinking about this act.

What is language?

What was it all for, huh?

What we've got is a British act that has tradition.

What with that, and me only having one bollock,

What, you lie down and a truck goes over you or something?

What?

What? What?

What'd I do?

What's going on?

What's less important is whether or not you hit it,

What's the act like, then?

Whatever you're smoking, you got any more of that?

When a pro wrestler came home

When a pro wrestler came home

When I corrected a teacher.

When my second wife, Lordes, and I,

When we were in high school, I got a note.

When you and I were partnered up to build

When you go out there, [stuttering] you wanna give it your all,

Where we are both teachers.

Which I discovered on my first day at school,

Which I had a big, uh... A big success with.

Which I think works well, artistically.

Which is normal.

Which is not factually correct, 'cause my mom didn't cut my bollock off.

Which is on your basic tier cable package

Which is pretty much the best acting advice you could have.

Which is, "Golly, gosh, no! We're not posh, no.

Which means people are staying and buying things.

Which means that your character is in violation of rule 11B,

Which states, "Mascots cannot represent or be associated with anything offensive

Which was fun.

While the judges deliberate.

Who made this complaint?

Whoa! Hold on, hold on. What are you doing?

Whoa.

Whoo!

Why did you tell him not to bring his phone?

Why don't you step outside, and the jury can deliberate.

Willingham Rovers has been sort of part of my whole life.

With your eyes only, follow it.

Without breaking my spine.

Without our main sponsor, Mr. Buddy Campbell.

Word on the street has it that there are some unbelievable acts.

Wow!

Wow.

Wrong. So wrong.

Wyoming, Utah...

Yeah, 'cause they're... It's an outfit.

Yeah, and they say that those who can't do, teach,

Yeah, and they'll toy with them for a half hour,

Yeah, but I've read on the Internet that man's living on the moon,

Yeah, I had a bit of a mesh tear inside the helmet.

Yeah, I wanna help you someway, man.

Yeah, I'm not a fake little person.

Yeah, my lawyer almost killed me, but I did it.

Yeah, not everything on Wikipedia is true.

Yeah, of course.

Yeah, of course. Remember? I was the mascot.

Yeah, we're in the Burbank office.

Yeah, you know what? Might have been a yiff.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. It's fun. It's generational.

Yeah. Me too.

Yeah. That's crabby walk. And you have to say it at the same time.

Yes, thank you for reminding me.

Yes. No. Yes.

You are my favorite student ever in the whole world.

You can say both.

You can't really hear it inside the head, but you can hear that there is a sound.

You deserve a good spankin'.

You do the math.

You don't tell him how good he is often enough.

You ever noticed that? Life is one big left turn to these people.

You ever see anything like this?

You fit the lone shooter profile, I think.

You gave out the silver. Then I do the gold.

You got every reason in the world to be nervous.

You got it. Yeah.

You got something on your nose, I think.

You gotta quit saying that word.

You have another little person down there operatin' the pedals for you?

You have this fairy dust that just... It just helps me.

You have to be very careful how you spell that, though.

You just attach it with some bolts and a wrench, and then you have a...

You just never know if it's... if it's your day.

You know it.

You know what? I'll take that over some guy defecating on my head.

You know, "What's this? What's..."

You know, "Where's dinner?" "Down here."

You know, as judges we had some very difficult decisions to make.

You know, for Anaheim, the big show.

You know, I could nudge some of my people towards you.

You know, I first fell in love with Mascotting

You know, I just never knew who was in there.

You know, I was overcompensating. Classic overcompensation.

You know, like any couple, we have our ups and downs.

You know, these seniors have, like, gnarled up fingers like this.

You know, they can criticize our country,

You know, they'll just pop 'em open like a pistachio.

You know, what we need to do is check with the Indian guy in the gift shop

You know, you're having a great time, and then...

You like dogs?

You look good. What do you wanna do?

You lost me somewhere in there, but I guess it's all kind of...

You may remember, it was a live television event.

You need to be honest with me right now. Have you been drinking?

You piece of garbage!

You probably have it, too,

You snuck up on us.

You take a few minutes, play around with the ladder,

You think that name would be on the tip of my tongue. I'm sorry.

You wanna just put in, "hashtag..."

You were amazing. You were so good.

You'd make a good mascot.

You'll put on the mask, and you'll be great.

You're a criminal moron.

You're Alvin. You gotta get up there and do it.

You're being impossible.

You're comparing the term "squaw" with the c word?

You're gonna be great.

You're gonna be very concerned about your job.

You're gonna go out there and perform.

You're good.

You're my favorite teacher.

You're not listening to him.

You're... We had the Mexican the other day. It was spicy.

You've got the wrong number.

Zook, let's go, man. We gotta get going.

"Lightning in a bottle" we called it. Yeah. There you go.

"That doesn't fit." "It's not for the families."

[airplane whooshing] [PA announcement chiming]

[Andy] Hey, how's it going? [man] Good evening.

[audience applauds] It's a good routine.

[audience cheering] Plumber time!

[beeping] [man] Maybe just up a little bit higher.

[beeps] [music stops]

[both chuckle] I like the outfit.

[both exclaim] Ouch!

[both yelling] [Mike groans]

[chuckles] Luckily, I could do this.

[chuckles] Hi. Wow! [laughs] Hey. Wow!

[Cindi] Hey, babe. Oh, my God.

[drumroll] [audience applauding]

[Gabby laughing] [audience chanting] Fist! Fist!

[Gabby] Hi. What's your name? Hi. Tommy.

[indistinct chatter] [scattered applause]

[Jessica] Yeah. Hey!

[knocks on door] Oh.

[Langston] Well, this is my playground. [woman chuckles]

[laughing] Hi! [shrieking]

[Mike] Okay, we are late. [Mindy] We're really not that late.

[Mike] Yeah. Yeah. [Laci] Good to see you. Hi.

[Mike] You wanna drag us to hell? [Mindy] Idiot!

[Mindy groans] [Mike] You are really...

[Mindy groans] What are you doing? It's a huge part of my life!

[Mindy] Idiot. Oh, I'm an idiot?

[Mindy] It's great to see you. I'm okay.

[Mindy] Oh, my God! Hi! You guys are here.

[Mindy] Would you throw the ball? Yeah, I'll throw it.

[Mindy] Yeah, you hired her. Yeah, I did. She's our nanny.

[Mindy] You got my bag? We're running late.

[officer] Pull over, now. [Owen] Is that for me? Oh, bugger.

[Owen Sr.] You bought it? When? Yeah, I bought it yesterday.

[Owen] What did you want? Cod and chips.

[Phil] It says "center for the blind." Right. Right.

[rock music playing] [audience cheering]

[scoffs] Yeah. No. That seemed rude.

[siren blaring] [officer] Pull over.

[Tommy] Oh, that's it! Oh, that's it! [woman moaning]

[woman moaning] [man grunting]

[woman] Yes! [audience applauds and cheers]

Actually, I am. I'm a mascot. Oh!

Ah, got what you wanted? I got what I wanted.

All right, guys. See you Saturday. Hey, come on, man.

All right, Mr. Golly? Feet on the line. It's "jolly."

All right, strawberry as requested. Oh, thank you.

All right. [stammering] It's okay. I'm okay.

All right. It's got to be a person of your, uh...

And I am under this man's wing. [both laugh]

And I feel born anew. [both chuckle]

And I find it very rewarding, you know. Yeah.

and I knew... I thought... I was at the game.

And that's a good lesson for a marriage. Yeah.

and then just break their necks. Yeah.

And they're all blind? Yeah, they're all blind.

and this face stared at me. [chuckles]

And where's he? He's home sick today.

And, you know, it's springtime. [muttering]

Are all these kids blind? Oh, yeah, they're all blind. All of them.

At the angry music club? You belong at the Succubus Olympics!

Babineaux. Babineaux.

Bad baby. Yeah.

Because... That was perfect, by the way.

Biggest day of his life. Biggest day of your life, more like.

Both of you. Really enjoy it. [chuckling]

Bruschetta? Are you serious? Oh, yeah.

But then you had your kids. Yes.

But we'll talk about it together, okay? Yeah.

Bye. Okay.

Center stage, in the back there. All right.

Cindi Babineaux. Yeah, Cindi Babineaux.

Come here, you look so beautiful. Oh! Oh, so do you. Oh!

Corky! Hi, Cindi.

Did you get it? Good. I got cod and chips.

Did you see what your face did? Okay. I hear you.

Do you know what your face did? I hear your criticism, and I validate it.

Does this smell normal? I can't tell.

Don't touch me! Why do you do that?

Dutch courage, is it? Huh?

Eddy? Is his name Eddy? Yeah.

For heaven's sakes. All right. Do you... [laughs]

Getting out the car. Stop right there.

Give 'em hell. [mimics batting] Touchdown.

God, it's so good to see you. Well, thanks for doing this.

God. Nice to see you, too.

Good, good changes. Good changes.

Great job. Thank you.

Great work, by the way. Thank you.

Great. God, we had so much fun, didn't we?

Half of 'em. Half of 'em.

Half of 'em. Half of 'em.

have you been drinking alcohol? No,

Hello, there. Oh, hello. Welcome, sir.

Hello? [yawns]

Hello. Hello.

Hello. Hi! I'm Laci.

Herons all the way. Wow! All right.

Hey, Cindi? It's open.

Hey, let's have a party! [all cheering]

Hey, stop humping my wife! Get off me! Jesus!

Hey, you put on some weight? Well...

Hey! Hey, stop! Get off! What are you...

Hey. Look at you.

Hey. Oh, my God.

Hi, how are you? How are you? Hello.

Hi! What's your name? Hi. Lindsay.

Hi. Hi.

Hi. That's what you should...

Hi. I have metal on my hands, silver. We'll just...

Hmm. Nice! Look at that.

How are you? Oh, it's so good to see you.

How long has it been? I don't know, it's...

How was your flight? It was a little bumpy, you know.

How you doing? Hey, you... AJ.

Huh. Gabby. Let me go ahead and get your card.

I better call 'em. Yeah.

I can't hear them... So, I like all this up to a point.

I completely... I'm with you. You know. But I mean, I get crazy.

I did. We're good. [slurping]

I do that. It's fun for them.

I do. I wanna get inside that noodle.

I don't know what to say. Um... Please don't cry.

I don't think so. Yeah.

I don't wanna be too forward, but you... No. No.

I feel good. I feel great. Okay.

I got it. Don't worry. He's got everything.

I know. Tradition is good!

I love you. Oh, God.

I made it. [gasps]

I made it. Oh, my God, you did.

I put a heart over it. 'Course you do.

I teach English. [chuckles] Yeah.

I think it's this. It could be.

I think they want me to continue. No, I am the senior judge, so...

I would like $5, please. I'm a little short this week.

I'll be over in a minute. Hurry up.

I'll let you know when we're done. No, no. I know.

I'm a baby with an abusive mommy. [both laughing]

I'm gonna ask you one more time. Okay.

I'm gonna start again. Let's do it.

I'm Mindy. Hi, Mindy. I'm Cindi.

I'm really hungry. Okay.

I'm sorry for my... I don't know what I... That's all right.

I'm sorry to interrupt you there... No,

I'm starvin'. All right.

I'm sure it's there. Mm hmm.

in that it's about cooperation... [woman] Mm hmm.

Is Purley posh? We're posh.

Is that right? They must be a little bit late.

Is that today? Yeah.

It doesn't matter. But you've been doing it your whole life.

It hasn't always been easy. Yeah.

It is what he's saying. No, he's not.

It pours. Right.

It was different in olden times. In my granddad's day, uh,

It was sister talk. Like sisters in Christ.

It's a sadistic thing. Yeah.

It's a vanilla wrap? It's called a vanilla wrap.

It's about listening. [woman] Yeah.

It's hard, huh? Yeah, it's really hard.

It's right here. Oh. You're right.

It's so good to see you. Wow!

Just give it to her. I am the senior judge.

Just tryin' to get some almonds up there. Here, use me.

Keep climbing, Hedgehog. Thanks, Tommy.

Keep your head low... Yeah, yeah.

Ladders, up, down... What?

Ladies? Ladies? Can I help you? [Laci] Hey.

Let me check. [chuckles] Oh.

Let me share with you what I do. Oh, wow, please. Okay, I'm all ears.

little bit on my blouse. [groans]

Long day? Yeah.

Lovely. Wow!

May I? Okay.

Maybe I'll see you afterwards. Okay.

Merry old England. [cheering]

Mike Murray. Hi, I'm Laci.

Mmm, delicious. Okay.

No, he did have... What's this doing here?

No, it's not like they... 'Cause it's a very competitive contest.

No, no. I'm fine. I got a whole... You good?

No, we're not okay! We're okay.

No. I'll tell you what,

No. I'm okay. Thank you. All right.

No. No, put your paw down. Okay.

Nothing. Nothing?

Oh, good for you. Thank you. I'm gonna win this thing.

Oh, good luck, mate. [doorbell chimes]

Oh, great. He's got a wonderful act.

Oh, hey, Langston. Oh, we have got a problem.

Oh, I've never heard that term. Mm hmm.

Oh, my God. Hey!

Oh, my God. You could have got shot!

Oh, okay. Is...

Oh, okay. That's all right.

Oh, out both ends? Yes.

Oh, please. All right.

Oh, shut up, Dad. No. No, I mean it.

Oh, two for one. Uh huh.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, you've heard of it.

Oh, you look beautiful! Thank you.

Oh! I know.

Oh? And his dad was Sid before him.

Oh. [both chuckle]

Oh. [both chuckle]

Oh. It's about women and fertility.

Oh. Oh, God!

Okay. [Laci chuckles]

Okay. But I need another person.

Okay. But nevertheless, as a plumber,

Okay. Hey, look at this.

Okay. I know how it works. Go ahead.

Okay. I like your whistle.

Okay. I'm gonna start again.

Okay. It was a little high, though.

Okay. [chuckles] and you'll be back to your old self.

Okay. All right. Bye. Mm hmm. Yeah.

Okay. I'll check. Yeah, I'm sure it's there.

Okay. We're gonna move on. Are we done?

Okay. Well, you can also relax. [man] Okay.

Okay. Yeah, let me take a look at that. Sure.

Okay. You know what? Will you be careful with these?

One minute, Miss Monkhouse. All right.

Owen! Owen!

Persuasion. Right.

Really? Definitely, yes.

Really? I don't.

Record that. Don't be silly. [chuckles]

Remember that? And I would take the...

Right, go. Smash it, babe.

Robin Wexler. Phil.

She's a grandma. [laughs] So she's a... I am.

She's a pencil. [giggles]

Shut up about the fucking ladder. Right. Okay.

Smaller the better. Shorter than me?

So that Tammy's eyes are looking up. I know.

So we have to become American now? No, we're not coming...

so we need to... Well, you're very tall. It's obnoxious.

So, I'm gonna show you... Yeah, please.

So, it's a bit of a family tradition. It's a family tradition.

So, nothing serious? Nothing serious.

So, that was my nickname for a bit. [exhales slowly]

Sorry about that. Sorry. I guess we can't help ourselves.

Sorry about that. What was that?

Sorry I'm late. Oh, hi, Phil.

Sorry, sorry. We've been going mental.

Thank you for coming. Thank you.

Thank you. I need you.

Thank you. That's cool.

Thank you. Yeah.

That came so close to my head! Okay.

that lets... You're funnin' me, but okay.

That was an ordeal. It was nuts. Yeah.

That was progress. All right.

That's exciting. Let's go. Did you pay?

That's family progress, eh? Wow.

That's nice. Well, I do.

That's only $11 to go out on a boat. Yeah.

That's really sweet. [chuckles]

That's the whole problem. What is it? What's happening?

That's what it means. What?

The team was sold, and we were let go. Yeah.

They have fried stuff. Okay.

They're not Sid anymore. No. No, I'm Sid now. Yeah.

to go on stage. What?

To the left. Eyes only. Yeah, eyes only.

Tommy, this has been a delight. Oh, well, thank you so much.

Too hard. [Mike] What are you doing?

Uh, the Fist? Yeah.

Uh, this is my wife, Sarah Golly. Hello.

Uh... [chewing loudly]

Um... Kids can be cruel. Kids can be cruel.

Waitin'. Yeah. How you doin'?

We did it. Yeah.

We done a little baby, didn't we? Yeah.

We got a big problem. Why? What? Why? What is it?

We gotta hit the road, man. [Tommy groans]

We have the same daddy." We do.

We love the bad boys. [chuckles] Yeah, do you?

We love the bad boys. [laughing] Isn't she funny?

We're just rehearsing. That's all right.

We're just two individuals? Throw the ball. What?

Well, where have you been? I'm here.

Well, yeah. Me, too.

What are you doing? We're okay.

What are you doing? What do you mean what am I doing?

What are you doing? What?

What are you doing? You just had a piece of fuzz in your...

What do you want? I could go with, like, wings

What is it? Tell me. It has absolutely nothing to do with sex.

What? You wanna try my gum?

What? Hi. [laughs] Hey.

What? Why? Yeah, he's on ecstasy.

What's a furry? A furry is simply

What's a furry? It's not a big deal.

What's the ladder for? Oh, this? The ladder, yeah.

What's your name? Laci.

When did you last see him? This morning at the hotel.

Where? Here? Yeah.

which made it even more personal. You know, when it rains...

Who was that guy? [horn honks]

Whoa. [Jolene whimpers]

Whoo! Hey, two things.

Whoo! Yeah, sister. Yeah. So I'm relieved.

Will you stop being stupid right now? Okay.

Wow. Great.

Yeah, a match. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I'm just... [chuckles]

Yeah, it's fun. And it's fun.

Yeah, no... Anchovy and bruschetta.

Yeah, tell me about it. Laughing.

Yeah, that was me. That was me. Wow!

Yeah, that's great. Yeah.

Yeah, the mascot. Yep. Well, I manage him.

Yeah, you wanna give back. I wanna give back. That's exactly right.

Yeah! I sure did. Yeah?

Yeah. [sighs]

Yeah. And they'll...

Yeah. Have you been drinking today?

Yeah. In history class.

Yeah. So that was the weird thing

Yeah. So, music starts.

Yeah. What?

Yeah. With your eyes only.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. You know.

Yeah. [chuckles] It does. Well...

Yeah. I think it'll be fun. Ooh!

Yeah. Sure. Exactly. We all do it.

Yes! When?

Yes. Yeah.

Yes. Boner! [all laugh]

You bet, darling. Take care.

You didn't tell me about it. I have told you.

You didn't tell me about it. I have told you.

You gave out the bronze. I gave out the bronze.

You got a good sense of humor. I'll ask 'em.

You had your accident. I had an accident.

You have a nice... a beautiful laugh. Thank you.

You know that. Thank you.

You know what? Why do you do that?

You know, I just... [stutters] I celebrate that.

You know, we haven't been sleeping. I'm sorry.

You look happy and relaxed. Thank you.

You look... Hello! Look at you.

You moved your head. You moved your head. No, I didn't.

You ruined it. You ruined it. We're okay.

You were at the game? I was. I was.

You're a Babineaux? Yes.

You're a Herons fan? [laughs]

You're joking. I said stuff that I shouldn't have said.

You're not? [laughing] I'm not.

You're welcome. Oh, sorry.

You've got something on your nose. Oops.

Your dad? My dad was Sid before me.

Your mom? No. No, not... No, my wife.

'cause I'm gonna dance.

'Cause I've got to get to the WMAs.

'cause then you can get the tax back at the airport.

'Cause we all know each other?

'Cause when things are going good, it's easy, but when they're bad,

'Cause, for the most part,

'cause, obviously, they don't have legs or big pants.

'Cause, you know, mascots, they don't die.

"I wanna work with disadvantaged children that are really pretty disadvantaged."

"If you don't wanna do anything tonight, you don't have to."

"Life is good. Life is good." He just wouldn't shut up about it.

"Listen. I'm here and so are you,

"Ma'am, why don't you go out next time without your crown and scepter,

"The glass is half empty," and "The glass is half full,"

"Tommy, become a bloody monk."

"Tommy, is this it? Is this your life? Are you at rock bottom?"

[AJ] And now we'll go on,

[AJ] Great.

[AJ] I'm getting a hand signal.

[AJ] Thank you, Gabby. Thank you so much.

[all applauding and cheering]

[all exclaim]

[all exclaiming]

[all] Aye.

[Andy] I've been a bouncer here at Bushwackers

[announcer] From the Tussolon Tigers Canoe Team in Israel,

[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,

[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,

[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, from the Blue Lake Mallards in Canada,

[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome,

[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, this year's winners will now be announced.

[announcer] Let's give a big hand to Pointy and Grindy.

[announcer] Our next contestant,

[announcer] Our next contestants,

[announcer] Please take 15 minutes to stretch your legs

[announcer] Sid the Hedgehog, from London, England.

[announcer] That was Alvin the Armadillo.

[announcer] That was Heshe and the Worm

[announcer] That was Jack the Plumber

[announcer] Why not take this opportunity to visit our snack bar in the lobby?

[arguing continues indistinctly]

[attempts to whistle] Clemence!

[audience applauding]

[audience boos]

[audience chanting] Fist! Fist! Fist!

[audience cheering and applauding]

[audience cheering and applauding]

[audience cheering loudly]

[audience cheering loudly]

[audience cheering]

[audience cheering]

[audience cheering]

[audience cheering]

[audience exclaiming]

[audience exclaims and applauds]

[audience exclaims]

[audience exclaims]

[audience exclaims]

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing]

[audience] Oh!

[audience] Oh!

[birds chirping]

[birds chirping]

[birds twittering]

[both exclaim]

[both laugh]

[both laugh]

[both laugh]

[both moaning]

[both vocalizing]

[breathing heavily]

[Buddy] Hmm.

[Buddy] Oh, very interesting ones.

[camera shutter clicking]

[chattering]

[chuckles and sighs]

[chuckles nervously]

[chuckles]

[chuckles]

[chuckles]

[chuckles] It doesn't matter to Eddy. Call him whatever you want.

[chuckles] No, I basically just have a metal rod that goes on top of a pedal,

[chuckling]

[chuckling] A pencil and a pencil sharpener.

[Cindi on recording] The mind bounces and maybe won't stop.

[Cindi] After the competition,

[Cindi] I know. [groans]

[Cindi] Who is this?

[Cindi] Why are you calling?

[Cindi] You know, Randy will always be alive.

[Corky] Nature is the great teacher,

[crowd cheering]

[crowd cheering]

[crowd cheering]

[crying] I don't know what went wrong.

[crying] Thank you. Thank you.

[dial tone sounding]

[doctor] Okay, let's see what we have.

[doctor] Well, that is one completely normal knee.

[door closes]

[echoing] My shell.

[elevator bell dings]

[exclaiming] Whoa, whoa, whoa!

[exhales]

[exhales]

[exhales]

[fanfare plays]

[Gabby screaming]

[Gabby] AJ.

[gasps]

[gasps] Emotions.

[gasps] Laci. Oh, you are beautiful.

[gasps] Oh, my God. What happened?

[Greg] Hey, leave that cookie jar alone.

[Greg] This smells like good stuff.

[groaning] I know.

[grunting]

[grunts softly]

[grunts]

[grunts]

[imitates Alvin] But you're the best at it.

[indistinct chatter]

[inhales sharply] Um...

[inhales through teeth]

[jaunty music playing]

[judges exclaim]

[Kirby] Mm hmm.

[Laci and Cindi chuckle]

[Laci] Oh, thank you.

[Langston] Buddy.

[Langston] This is our vendors' area.

[Langston] We're two days away from the competition,

[laughing loudly]

[laughing]

[laughing]

[laughing] She's a granny!

[laughs]

[man #2] No, I never have.

[man on PA] The Fist to the stage, please. The Fist to the stage.

[man on radio] Its 9:00 a.m. and 71 degrees in beautiful Anaheim,

[man on recording] We're sorry, the number you have dialed

[man over PA] Jack the Plumber to the stage.

[man over PA] Ladies and gentlemen, please take your seats.

[man over PA] Sid the Hedgehog to the stage, please.

[man over PA] Tammy and Ollie to the stage.

[man] Have a good night.

[man] Have you ever spent any time inside a mascot outfit?

[man] I have been running on fumes.

[man] I'm a lucky guy.

[man] Identification, please. Hi, there.

[man] Mascotting is not unlike a marriage

[man] Yeah.

[mascot grunting]

[Mike chuckles]

[Mike] All right, guys, we've got to go, go, go, go, go.

[Mike] Because it correlates with where your head is.

[Mike] I'll go to hell with ya.

[Mike] Look at you. You look like a sunrise.

[Mike] Now, you're upset. I need you to get out of my face right now.

[Mike] Okay. Round two, coming up.

[Mike] Right, but I think, at this point,

[Mike] There have been some big, big changes.

[Mike] You're at the wrong event! You don't belong at the Fluffies!

[mimics crowd roaring]

[mimics time bomb exploding]

[Mindy groaning] Oh, my shell! Oh, my shell!

[Mindy] Hon, it's fine.

[Mindy] Whoa!

[Mindy] You almost hit me with the ball, you dumb dumbhead.

[monks chanting]

[mouths] Oh.

[music continues]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[music playing over headphones]

[music playing over stereo]

[music playing]

[music playing]

[Owen Sr. sighs]

[Owen] Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, shit.

[Owen] So much has changed since the competition.

[Owen] Yeah, so I'm a mascot, for Willingham Rovers,

[Phil] Hey, Mr. Gammons, sir.

[Phil] I think the mascot is as important as any member of the team.

[Phil] I'm excited to get down to Anaheim because

[Phil] Mr. Gammons, sir.

[pipe organ playing]

[receptionist chuckles] Let me just...

[Robin] Hey, you're gonna do great.

[robotic voice] Hello, Cindi. Who is this?

[robotic voice] Why are you... you?

[rock music continues playing]

[Sarah chuckles]

[Sarah] Get out of the way.

[shouting]

[sighs heavily] She's my best friend.

[sighs]

[sighs]

[sighs]

[sighs]

[sighs]

[sighs]

[sighs] Excited.

[sighs] Well, you know what?

[singing] ♪ Sidney has only got one ball ♪

[sniffles]

[sniffs]

[sniffs]

[sobbing] I can't do that.

[soft music playing]

[soft music playing]

[Sol chuckles]

[speaking Spanish]

[speaking Spanish]

[stammering]

[stammering] Even if people are screaming at you, you're not allowed to talk.

[stammering] I still eat meat... obviously.

[stammering] It's the s word. It's a bad term.

[stammering] There should be. Um...

[stammering] Well, I was gonna say I don't know how it happened,

[stammers] Uh, if they're gonna put it at the bottom of the screen,

[stammers] Yeah, I don't think that technology exists yet.

[stuttering] No. No. God, no.

[thud]

[toilet draining]

[toilet flushing]

[toilet flushing]

[Tommy groaning] Go away!

[Tommy] Dicknuts.

[Tommy] Does the job, Greg.

[Tommy] No, thank you!

[upbeat music playing]

[upbeat music playing]

[upbeat music playing]

[upbeat music playing]

[whistle blowing]

[woman speaking indistinctly on PA]

[woman] Hello, Miss B.

[woman] Just a little bit.

♪ Cut if off when he was small ♪

♪ His mother, the dirty bugger ♪

♪ The other is in the Albert Hall ♪