A child sex slavery ring or something?
A kid died the other day from drugs,
A lot of things have made me wonder about you.
A lot.
A straight up face punch.
A stupid fucking cock. That's rude.
A What?
A whole drug operation by ourselves?
About a covalent bond in this school?
About meeting up with a stuffed piñata.
About telling you how it's not good.
Actually fucked up my elbow pretty bad.
Actually, I'm having a party next weekend. You should come!
Actually, that's not bad.
Ah, so your parents are just cool
Albany, to be exact,
All right, all right, all right, all right. God damn that.
All right, all right, just chill out.
All right, all right, we're good. Whoo!
All right, anybody else for Molecule Mondays? Anyone?
All right, anyone who says
All right, but just don't be driving it like teenagers,
All right, come on. Yeah, let's...
All right, cool, let's get the...
All right, do mine, do mine.
All right, don't move!
All right, here you go.
All right, here's the deal.
All right, here's the deal. Nobody moves, or she's gonna get hurt.
All right, let's do it.
All right, let's do this. Which one of you is Doug?
All right, let's go, McQuaid!
All right, one second!
All right, take it here so I know you're cool.
All right, there's going to be all these heavies there,
All right! Yeah!
All right.
All right.
All right. All right, come on.
All right. Eric, help me.
All right. Where is he?
All right. Yeah. That's great.
All that stuff I wore, like the bracelets, the rings, the tight pants,
All yarn work was done by Jenko.
Although you could use one as a coin purse.
Am I even wearing underwear in this picture?
An ejaculating penis into an 8 year old's mouth?
And app chemistry for a few weeks.
And as you can see, this kid is white.
And ask them to stop chasing us?
And check what we found at Kennedy.
And Eric's going to get into Berkeley,
And expect us all not to notice.
And faster.
And he threw me down pretty hard.
And he totally gets me.
And he's probably a dummy.
And he's probably good with money.
And how did that go for you?
And I don't want you to get busted,
And I don't want you to get hurt.
And I fuckin' cherish you.
And I had Zack put this monitoring device in it,
And I let you down in a lot of ways.
And I was stuck on a teacher's salary, bro.
And I wasn't as much.
And I worked my ass off to be the captain!
And I wouldn't let, you know, one experience
And I'm a cop. What?
And I'm going to utilize those, and I'm going to come back.
And I'm like,
And I'm like, "Hey, you want to make some coin?"
And if any of my officers
And it felt good, but then it felt weird for a second,
And it was muy delicioso!
And it's not even second period. How do you explain that?
And less homeless people doo dooing everywhere.
And less insecure and more just cool.
And louder. And better.
And makes me feel like I'm five years old.
And me shitting down that snorkel.
And my mom still packs a lunch for me every day.
And nobody, including me, is doing anything about it.
And revamping it for modern times.
And she's not going to go to prom with me.
And sometimes I get angry.
And that is a really gross three way.
And that'll be the quickest way for me to bro down with him.
And that's the end of Act Two.
And then he happened to turn out to be gay afterwards.
And then he's dying to see you, too.
And then I realized that she was dead.
And then Molly will invite Eric,
And then this guy.
And then you come in here looking like a rock solid 10.
And then you two show up, with 30 days left,
And there's a dick going into it.
And they do, like, two extra years of middle school there.
And this is going to fucking rock.
And we live across the street from each other and stuff.
And we use it to wash our cars.
And we were having so much fun.
And you don't need two vaginas. You just don't.
And you guys haven't moved on.
And you should never settle for less than that.
And you walk into this office, I'm going to expel you.
And you're coming in here
And you're sincere and you're sweet and you're loyal...
And your membership to the juggling squad.
And, honestly, I can get in, too.
And, you know... I don't know. She's hot.
And...
And...
And... Let's fly!
Annie, hang on.
Anything you say can and will be used against you
AP Chemistry. AP Chemistry. And, no, you can't,
App chemistry, bitch.
Are caught giving alcohol to minors,
Are they? Yeah.
Are those the bad guys over there?
Are we really going to take down
Are y'all throwing a party?
Are you alive, buddy? You okay? You took a bullet for me, man.
Are you all right? Should we get you to the hospital, man?
Are you drunk? No.
Are you excited about the play?
Are you fucking kidding me?
Are you fucking kidding me?
Are you fucking serious right now? Fuck, yes, I'm serious!
Are you getting choked up? I'm sorry if I made you upset.
Are you guys on drugs?
Are you leaving your bike here?
Are you okay, man? Hey, what the hell? Are you serious?
Are you okay?
Are you on that shit? So what if I am?
Are you saying we're covalent bonds?
Are you serious?
Are you telling me it's on?
Are you texting Molly?
Are you undercover right now?
Aren't... Isn't... Aren't you and Eric...
Aroma of Christ Church?
Asshole.
At how spastic they are, but I am the coach,
At least I know my Miranda rights, you idiot.
Aw...
Away from a nervous breakdown.
Beautiful Brad, and his brother.
Beautiful day out there, boys.
Because I've told it to a therapist about 8,000 times.
Because if you call us narcs,
Because you deserve a guy who's good and who doesn't lie to you.
Because you don't even know what it's actually fucking called!
Because you're a good guy.
Before we got in a car chase! Let's go! Come on!
Beginner's luck.
Bend the knee a little bit.
Best party ever. Boo yah!
Best prom night ever!
Billiam would've wanted the show to go on.
Bitch!
Bitch.
Boo yah!
Boom, motherfuckers! What's going on? Come on!
Boy, you lucky you even graduating.
Boys, squaws, come quickly.
Brad and Doug McQuaid.
Brad, what are you doing here? You can't be here.
Brad!
Brad? Shit.
Brad. Big.
Brad. Yes, ma'am. Wow. Look at you,
But a buddy of mine really wants it.
But as long as you guys have my back...
But completely naked, wearing Indian friendship bracelets.
But he didn't even leave me a stuffed puppy.
But I already know the answer. It's yes.
But I don't think we've ever met before.
But I got to shoot people right now!
But I need you to go on as Peter.
But I only bring in people I like.
But I promise you we will be super professional on the job.
But I'm going to be prom king.
But if we find the supplier first,
But it's not my thing.
But maybe you have, like, one cheat day,
But maybe, if someone fun asked me,
But they can have their place in the life of a professional actor.
But they're not normal popular.
But we got to get going. You know how it is, yeah?
But we need to be back in 30 minutes for curtain.
But we partied together, man.
But we try to ride bikes when we can.
But what was the girl in the back doing?
But, look, I heard Eric talking on the phone yesterday
Bye bye.
Bye bye. Bye, Bye.
Bye!
Bye. JENKO: All right, buddy, good talk.
Cálmate, gringo.
Can anybody tell me where my Peter is?
Can I see that?
Can you listen in on phone calls and stuff?
Can't believe you made me late. You're so selfish.
Can't get a good shot, man! I can't get a good shot!
Cannabis sativa.
Captain Sassy.
Carry the two, changing its atomic isotoner
Causing trouble in my school.
Chaka Khan?
Chaka Khan.
Check around for a gun or something, all right?
Check out your test... Let me...
Cheers.
Chill, all right? Look, if it has intent, it's a felony.
Christoph, did you feel that?
Clear!
Clear!
Clearly, I wasn't talking to you, Big Titties.
Come here! Come on!
Come here. Come here.
Come on, blondie.
Come on, CSI the shit out of this thing.
Come on, Hoffs. Give us a little credit.
Come on, let me at least give you a tour.
Come on, let's go. Let's go.
Come on, let's roll.
Come on, man. They always cutaway on TV before they finish them.
Come on, pick your knees up. Pick your knees up.
Come on, picture it.
Come on, you guys are Jump Street?
Come on, you guys. Come on. Please. Jesus.
Come on!
Come on!
Come on! Another traffic jam?
Come on! Get out here!
Come on.
Come on.
Come on. All right, all right. Enough. Enough.
Come on. Let's go, let's go, let's go!
Come on. What's your Real... Here's Real World.
Cones, cones...
Congratulations on the bust, boys. It sounds great.
Congratulations, you crazy, sick, vigilante motherfuckers.
Cool with me. My man.
Cool, yeah.
Could barely pay my alimony.
Cut the bullshit!
Cw!
D.B., shoot these motherfuckers.
Dickhead narc motherfucker!
Did I hit anything?
Did it look cool when I did it?
Did she just bring up prom on her own?
Did she just say "nickhead dark motherfucker"?
Did the AIDS run this year.
Did you say that you have the right to be an attorney?
Did you see that shit? That was crazy.
Didn't somebody tell you guys this was an undercover unit?
Do I look like a fucking scientist? No, I just sell it.
Do I look like I eat French fries?
Do I make myself clear?
Do kids still do this stuff?
Do not feel exposed.
Do not get expelled.
Do not have sexual relations with students or teachers, sir.
Do they have guns?
Do we have a deal?
Do we have enough chips?
Do you even know the Miranda rights?
Do you feel that?
Do you guys really think this is a police matter?
Do you have any idea how difficult it is
Do you mind if I just put, like, a posting on Facebook?
Do you think it's going to be fun?
Do you understand how soon the show is starting?
Do you understand these rights as they have been read to you?
Do you understand? Nobody move!
Do you wanna die? Do you wanna die?
Do you wanna die? Do you wanna die?
Do you want to wear a fake nose on your fuckin' head
Do your thing, man. Proceed.
Does that make me a super nerd?
Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt my feelings.
Don't blow on me, son.
Don't do it, man. Why...
Don't ever raise your hand to me like that again, all right?
Don't fuck no students.
Don't fuck no teachers.
Don't hate. It's great.
Don't listen to that.
Don't make a...
Don't succumb to the peer pressure.
Don't throw the baton, you jackass!
Don't touch that. We just brought it back from Sedona.
Don't worry about who I am. I'm worried about it.
Don't worry about who I am. I'm worried about it.
Don't worry. Someone will pick you up.
Don't you fuckin' pull that arm up.
Don't you... Don't... Don't. Stop it.
Don't.
Don't. You did it. You fed the ducks.
Doug Penhall, DEA! You're under arrest!
Doug, you never won't know
Doug.
Doug.
Doug... Okay, settle an argument.
Doves fly out behind you, slow motion.
Doves. Why doves?
Down on Jump Street.
Driver's ed car.
Drop my nuts on your motherfucking forehead!
Drop the guns or she's dead!
Drop the guns or...
Drop your guns, or I'll spray her brains all over the room!
Drop your weapon!
Drug manufacturing ring in the chemistry classroom.
Drugs are bad.
Dude, classic.
Dude, come on. No! Maybe you're a narc.
Dude, do you still not know the Miranda rights? You're a cop.
Dude, Eric is the funniest IM er.
Dude, I don't have a fake ID.
Dude, I don't know if that was a good idea.
Dude, I have a surprise for you.
Dude, I'm doing crazy stuff like that,
Dude, I'm so amped right now, God!
Dude, it's now or never! Is it ready or not?
Dude, let's just finger each other's mouths.
Dude, tell me about it.
Dude, that was awesome how you sabotaged that track meet, man.
Dude, that was so crazy, man.
Dude, watch out!
Dude?
Due to your many years on the honor roll
Eco Suave.
Embrace your stereotypes.
Enjoy the vineyard. You boys be good, now.
Enough. Too long on the hug.
Environmental awareness, being tolerant.
Environmental awareness, being tolerant.
Eric, Eric, Eric, Eric. Whoa. Come on. Whoa.
Eric, Eric, Eric. Hey, man, what's up?
Eric, honestly, that was a sincere gesture.
Eric, you heard me!
Even after what happened to him?
Everybody comfortable?
Everybody's two strapping it.
Everyone's saying that Billiam had a heart murmur.
Exactly. I already had one.
Except girl version.
Fake ass Handsome McGee.
Faster. Let's go.
Feels too dance y. Too dance y?
Fight normal.
Fight's over, dude! Fight's over! Fight's over!
Find out who's slinging this shit.
Fine! Drive!
Finger popping each other's assholes.
First of all, your argument kind of just collapsed on itself,
Five, drive a kick ass car.
For a total of 57 words.
For ably backing me up.
For the duration of this assignment.
For, like, months on end? Glue and shit?
Forget those identities. They're bullshit.
Fortunately for you two,
Four, if anyone steps to you on the first day of school,
Freeze!
Freeze! Freeze!
French, the language of love.
French! You're not my first choice,
From the chem lab, threw in some of my Cool Deets,
Fuck that! Fuck that! No! No!
Fuck this!
Fuck what his name is.
Fuck you, Doug! What?
Fuck you, man. I don't need to tell you.
Fuck you, park!
Fuck you, pig Hey.
Fuck you, science!
Fuck you! Bitch!
Fuck your mom's vase!
Fuck, no.
Fuck!
Fuck!
Fuck! Fuck!
Fuck! Socks don't match.
Fuck.
Fuckin' pick my dick up!
Funny, I wouldn't have taken you for the brainy type.
Geez.
Get down! Get down! Get down! Get down!
Get in now. Both of you.
Get in the fucking car.
Get in with the burnouts and the cool kids.
Get on the ground! Hey!
Get out of me. I'm going to throw up.
Get out of my house. I said get out! The party's over!
Get ready for a lifetime of being badass motherfuckers.
Get ready, get ready, there's Eric.
Get that out of my face!
Get the fuck out of here.
Get the fuck out of here.
Get the fuck out of the car!
Get them restricted apps.
Get them!
Get up.
Get your hands off the wheel!
Get your motherfucking ass up when I'm talking!
Get your own fucking Frisbee.
Gets a $10 gift certificate to Quiznos.
Getting snuggy, get a little weird.
Give me my money!
Give me my money!
Give me that! You got the right to...
Glee. Fuck you, Glee.
Global crisis and whatnot.
Go ahead. It's four declamatory sentences, followed by a question,
Go ahead. You won't find shit.
Go for it, go for it.
Go with the flow, dude. Cool, man.
Go, Doug!
Go, go, go, go, go, go! Shit.
Go, go, go, go!
Go, go, go. Okay, fine, we'll follow them.
Go! Go, go!
Go! Okay.
Go. Go, go, go, go.
God damn it!
God damn, you're so cool.
God damn. Infiltrate the dealers, find the supplier.
God, I feel so good.
God, I love high school!
God, just let me do my thing.
Goes by the street name H.F.S.
Good for you, Doug.
Good luck.
Good work. Hit that shit.
Good.
Good. You could use it. You're pretty far behind, so...
Got followed by some fucking cops.
Great job, Schmidt.
Great job. You guys are on fire.
Great. Nobody cares.
Greg Jenko to the principal's office.
Greg Jenko to the principal's office.
Guns down, all of you! Domingo, tell them!
Guys, can we get rid of this stuff?
Guys, don't make me take you to the principal's office.
Guys, hey, wait. Guys, you're not on the list.
H2O It's okay. Thank you.
H2O.
H2O. H2O.
Hands up or I shoot you! Freeze!
Have fun.
Have some fairy dust, motherfucker!
Have we forgotten that the use of marijuana is illegal?
Have you even been drunk before?
Have you lost your fucking mind?
He ain't got time for your problems. He busy!
He always chokes. He's going to choke, wait for it.
He hangs outwith. I don't know.
He just needs to take a little rest,
He kind of is, isn't he?
He was pretending the whole time.
He's actually trying. What a nerd.
He's adopted.
He's dead.
He's getting into Berkeley, early admish,
He's going to choke.
He's going to punch you so many times around the genital area
He's gonna recognize us, man.
He's got a gun!
He's my friend.
He's really fast.
He's short and insecure.
He's upstairs.
Hello? Hey. Is this Molly?
Hello.
Here are your class schedules.
Here we go! Here we go!
Here, take the money, all right? We're getting out of here.
Here. Huh?
Here's the deal.
Here's your new identities, all right?
Herpes.
Hey, actually, I just said that
Hey, boys, this eco pussy is going down today.
Hey, can I ask you something? Sit down.
Hey, guys, no!
Hey, guys, wait! Ah, who cares?
Hey, guys. Just borrowing this for one sec.
Hey, hey, we'll lose them in the prom! Go!
Hey, hey, will y'all shut the hell up?
Hey, I'm living my dream of standing in a limo!
Hey, kid, come here.
Hey, Korean Jesus.
Hey, man, thank you for the hospitality,
Hey, no, McQuaid, pick it up. What are you doing?
Hey, no, no, I said don't move!
Hey, park in that handicapped spot.
Hey, Paul Blart: Molly Cop.
Hey, pick it up!
Hey, pumpkin head.
Hey, what's up?
Hey, why are you here, Scott?
Hey, why you here, Scott?
Hey, yo. Hey.
Hey, yo. That is...
Hey, you got a gun. Why don't you shoot back there?
Hey, you ready? Go!
Hey, you want to be friends?
Hey!
Hey! Come here!
Hey! Hey, hey!
Hey! Hey!
Hey! Hey! How's it feel? How's it feel now?
Hey! Sorry! It's okay. I'm here.
Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey. Good morning.
Hey. Hey. How's it going?
Hey. How are you?
Hey. It's Schmidt.
Hey. Oh, hey.
Hey. Schmidt family! Up top, Papa Schmidt.
Hi.
Hi. God damn, you are beautiful.
Hi. Hi. How are you?
Hi. How you doing?
Hi. I am Billiam Willingham.
His parents found him OD'd in his room a few days ago.
Holy fucking shit.
Holy...
Honestly, he did get away,
Honey, listen, I want to tell you,
How are we going to get drugs for the party?
How are you? Guess what, I don't care.
How do I look?
How do you ever expect
How do you feel about making a little extra money?
How is my favorite police officer?
How many of you are there?
How you guys doing back there, huh?
How's it going?
I always feel exposed after playing.
I always got your back.
I am one more black gay kid getting punched in the face
I am pretty skeptical,
I am so happy that I met you.
I am so happy you're willing to get in trouble for me.
I am so nervous.
I am. Yeah.
I apologize in advance if I throw up on you onstage.
I baked muffins!
I booked a local television commercial...
I brought tacos, so that's cool.
I can fake my way through band practice
I can't do that at all.
I can't do this! I'm supposed to go to Berkeley!
I can't let that happen.
I can't! I'm wearing tights!
I can't. I can't. I can't right now.
I consider that a threat.
I could be a doctor or something.
I could help you out if you want, tutor you for the test.
I could not be more serious.
I could watch this kid all day.
I did read him his right... I did a version of that.
I didn't get a letter or anything.
I didn't know that, but now I'm wiser.
I didn't know these guys were cops!
I didn't mean to shoot you! I meant to shoot him!
I didn't punch him because he's gay.
I didn't, though, just to be clear.
I don't care about anything.
I don't care. Look in the goddamn glove compartment!
I don't even...
I don't fucking care! Just do it! Oh, God!
I don't get this school.
I don't give a fuck.
I don't know how long this case is going to last.
I don't know how to put this nicely.
I don't know if you only cater to Korean Christians
I don't know what they are.
I don't know, but it's already more exciting.
I don't know, I don't believe in possessions, ja feel?
I don't know, it just feels dance y.
I don't know, it was supposed to explode.
I don't know, money, drugs.
I don't know, you look like you're in great shape,
I don't know! I'm trying to help, all right?
I don't like strangers.
I don't like that. Put your tongue back in your mouth.
I don't like to make plans or whatever. You got it.
I don't really know how to end a prayer. The end?
I don't want to look like it's like I'm wearing makeup.
I don't want to talk to you ever again.
I don't... I actually didn't...
I don't... Molly, uh...
I enrolled you in a bunch of bullshit courses
I enrolled you into honors chemistry.
I fucking hate you!
I get nervous in crowds.
I got an idea.
I got it, I got it.
I got skinny jeans on! It's the same fucking thing!
I got some contacts that'll help us.
I got to finish the girls' volleyball page by lunch.
I got to finish the girls' volleyball page by lunch.
I got to get my dick sewn back on.
I got to start all over.
I got to start all over.
I got to use the bathroom.
I gotta go back to class,
I guess I did.
I guess I should do something.
I guess this will have to be a quickie.
I guess.
I had a thing, but I can probably push it back.
I have glaucoma.
I have got to call Annie. She is gonna die.
I have to send you to the principal.
I haven't trained.
I heard something.
I heard that that Jenko boy is your partner.
I heard you call me Rain Man, you asshole!
I hurt my hands!
I introduce you to my hookup. How's that sound?
I just can't sometimes.
I just hope we don't wake up Schmidty.
I just need to help Brad with something real quick.
I just want to make sure that you and Eric are going to be careful
I just, like...
I just...
I just... I don't think you know everything.
I kicked him in the nuts.
I know all about dick and balls!
I know everything.
I know everything. Really?
I know I didn't say you were, but you're smart.
I know I missed the first few scenes.
I know sometimes I was a jerk to you
I know we haven't made our first arrest, or maybe I'm not the best cop.
I know what I'm doing.
I know what you're thinking,
I know y'all seen this shit before.
I know you wanted a guy to trust,
I know you're in there, Doug, or whatever your name is!
I know you've heard this before. And then,
I know you've seen this shit before.
I know, like, in four days,
I know, right? I know.
I know. It's bullshit.
I like it! I like the confidence, son!
I look like Fred Savage from The Wonder Years,
I love dick"?
I love doing drugs at school.
I love this science shit!
I love you, honey, Dougie Doug, Douglas McQuaid.
I mean, if I wasn't the coach, I'd be laughing my ass off
I mean, it looks like I died in a car crash
I mean, this is a fourth grade
I mean, yeah, we blow each other sometimes, but it's not a thing.
I meant I just... How many you guys want?
I might become popular. I might get in with the popular kids.
I need me some Doug McQuaid.
I need people I can trust.
I need to borrow you.
I need you to run anchor on the 4 X 400 at today's track meet.
I never get to drive. I'm driving this time.
I never got any stuffed animals growing up.
I overheard a phone call between Eric and some dude about a piñata.
I partied with Robert Downey Jr. before he got sober,
I present to you the graduates of Class 137.
I pretty much text except for when a random old relative calls.
I punched him,
I read your file.
I really thought that one was going to explode.
I really thought this job would have
I remember one summer...
I remember, one time, doing cocaine with Willie Nelson's horse,
I remember. You know why?
I said loud and clear,
I said that! You heard, right?
I say we just roll right into this thing, huh?
I shot him in the dick.
I should call you back.
I should pay who?
I should probably not just stand here watching.
I should take action.
I stole some of that Bunsen burner crap
I stomp the car now!
I swear to God, you're gonna get me killed.
I swear to you I will be back in time for curtain.
I swear, best party I've been to in years.
I think I shit my pants.
I think it sounds something like...
I think it would be better if you get in
I think it's going to be awesome.
I think it's good. I think you should be mad at more guys,
I think you idiots are perfect.
I thought your dad abandoned your family.
I told you, it's an undercover assignment. It's super secretive.
I totally know the cause.
I totally understand where you're coming from, sir,
I wanna... Oh, my God!
I want to know who's the supplier.
I want to thank... Give it up to French Samuels
I was a loser for four years! You couldn't handle it for five minutes!
I was chasing my perp, sir.
I was cool in high school, and you weren't.
I was gay when you punched me!
I was going to take it, and then masturbate later.
I was in a French fry commercial when I was a kid,
I was just busting your balls.
I was just saying that I'm Doug.
I was like, "Get the fuck off me!"
I was talking to your partner over here.
I was trying to sound cool. Sorry.
I was wondering if you...
I wasn't asking.
I wasn't trying to be rude. Sorry.
I will be right back. I need to help Brad with something, okay?
I will straight up punch you in the face if you do not shut up.
I would go.
I would have been the coolest person ever.
I would love to go to prom with you.
I would've tooken a bullet for you.
I wouldn't. But you as a drama geek, far less surprising.
I'd marry it, unless it was my daughter.
I'll be right back, dude. Okay.
I'll beat your dick off with both hands. What's up? Let's go.
I'll come back later.
I'll fucking kill you!
I'll invite Molly,
I'll just take the drugs right here,
I'll kill you!
I'll see you guys.
I'll see you later.
I'm about to infiltrate a super high tech
I'm almost out of ammo.
I'm black.
I'm driving!
I'm driving. No, you're not.
I'm embarrassed.
I'm freaking out.
I'm getting out of here.
I'm glad you had a great time in school.
I'm glad you have something to do.
I'm going to run outside,
I'm going to shoot you if you don't slow down, man! Come on!
I'm going to throw this thing at him!
I'm going to Whac A Mole you in the balls.
I'm going upstairs.
I'm gonna cut this the fuck off later, all right?
I'm gonna fucking kill you! You'll knock over my mom's vase!
I'm gonna get the party started!
I'm gonna get the party started! No! No! Lisa, no!
I'm gonna just fire you.
I'm gonna kill you, you stupid fucking cop!
I'm gonna send you to a place where all that shit is allowed.
I'm here to study.
I'm in character. Shut up. It's weird.
I'm in drama. I suck at drama.
I'm just fucking with you.
I'm lost without you. What?
I'm not dumb! I'm smart!
I'm not getting mad at you.
I'm not playing any more! I'm so not kidding!
I'm not some, like, '50s letterman who pins a girl.
I'm on them! I'm on them!
I'm putting it right there.
I'm really freaked out about going back to high school.
I'm really sorry.
I'm selfish? Yes, you're selfish!
I'm serious. Hey. Hey.
I'm so confused right now.
I'm sorry for swearing so much.
I'm sorry I didn't check the traffic report
I'm sorry, Mom, I'm sorry!
I'm sorry! I'm very sorry!
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. My mom's such a dick.
I'm sorry. What?
I'm sorry. What...
I'm sure, if...
I'm talking to you. Cool.
I'm telling you right now, it's not a felony.
I'm trying my best! I'm just trying! Fuck! Come on, man!
I'm trying to study. Thanks.
I'm very mad at you. Dance with me.
I've already been hurt, Doug. I don't care.
I've never been in a freeway chase before!
I've never done this shit before.
If I miss this play, Molly's going to freak out
If I was just born 10 years later,
If it's good, you'll hear from me.
If it's not good, you'll hear from me
If narcs call people narcs, and you call us narcs, then that's kind of...
If those boys is cops, I'm DEA.
If we could take them down as our first bust,
If we take it down, we have to stop bragging about you.
If you can't respect that, you're a butt muncher.
If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be appointed for you!
If you didn't get your grades up, you weren't going to the prom.
If you don't know your identity, we're screwed tomorrow.
If you stay in this house, you have time for chores!
Immature seeming officers.
In a court of law!
In a weird way,
In front of my friends! Get back here, you shit!
In my office now.
In our mouths.
In this shitty ass car! There's golf balls and this.
Infiltrate the dealers, find the supplier.
Infiltrate the dealers, find the supplier.
Infiltrate the dealers, find the supplier.
Into a radioactive spider.
Is he being sarcastic? I don't know.
Is it in there? ERIC: Yeah, yeah, right up there, dude.
Is it me?
Is it ready? He's gonna leave right now.
Is it this way? I don't know!
Is it too sexy of an outfit?
Is it...
Is that a code for sex?
Is that a cop?
Is that code for a sex thing?
Is that I think that I actually thought that we were brothers.
Is that it? You're not going to scream at us?
Is that your car? Yeah.
Is the only thing.
Is this funny to you guys?
Is this playlist too dance y?
It ain't nothing but a stupid stereotype.
It allowed life to form on ancient Mars,
It can act as an oxidizer.
It can be used to make corned beef.
It definitely came out my asshole!
It has a crystalline structure.
It helps them to stick together.
It is artistic, sir, because the thing is,
It just didn't explode. That's weird.
It might have been homophobic not to punch you
It rhymes with "g****."
It rhymes with "g****"!
It was just
It would just suck if something bad happened,
It'll be quicker if I help.
It's a key ingredient in gunpowder.
It's a new synthetic drug.
It's a quiz, and the first person who finishes
It's also known as saltpeter.
It's arguably, like, an airplane throwing up.
It's awesome. You're really going to like it.
It's backwards and unnatural, and it's got to be stopped.
It's crazy.
It's definitely not going to happen again.
It's Doug Schmug McQuaid.
It's extracting right now.
It's girly and embarrassing.
It's going to be fine.
It's going to explode! Oh, my God! Roll up the windows!
It's going to look even more suspicious, so just stop.
It's good that you're mad at me.
It's gorgeous!
It's great to see you guys.
It's hilarious.
It's just a card game. It's, like, a hybrid card game.
It's just... I didn't feel good about myself.
It's just... I'd prefer not to.
It's leaving the parking lot.
It's like we're living with a narc.
It's literally a medal for sucking.
It's not really my thing, either,
It's not so hard to find.
It's okay. I'll make it up to you.
It's ready! It used to be a planet.
It's ready. Not any more.
It's really not a planet. It's for sure a planet.
It's really sad about that kid. He was talented.
It's right there.
It's Schmidt. What?
It's so lame.
It's so weird that you're calling me.
It's such bullshit.
It's such bullshit.
It's that kind of party? Yeah, dude.
It's the first day of school, dude. I got to look awesome.
It's the Juggling Society, but it's fine. It's fine.
It's, like, everyone's a stranger
Its solid form floats on its liquid form,
Ja feel, ja definitely feel.
Jenko, I looked at your old transcript.
Jenko, Schmidt, you're up.
Jenko, uh...
Jessica, will you go to prom with me?
Just 'cause it's a fake backstory
Just because you were gay. Right.
Just broken dreams.
Just drop the guns, and kick them over here.
Just fuckin' around.
Just go as fast as you possibly can.
Just leave right now!
Just let me drive!
Just pretend like you're sucking my dick.
Just put... Put it right there.
Just shoot someone, you bitch!
Just shut up.
Just stay back.
Just stay with the one strap.
Just stick it in! Go!
Just stick it in! I don't know. I've never done this before!
Just think of something gross. Think of something gross.
Just throw it! Okay! Okay, okay!
K NO three, don't give no grief.
Karl.
Keep it going. That was so tight!
Keep that dirty dick in your pants. Dirty?
Kill you!
Kneel before Zod!
Korean Jesus, I just really don't want to fuck this up.
Lack creativity and are completely out of ideas,
Last night at the party, I took Eric's phone
Lead dealer, Eric Moison. Alpha dog.
Leave the prom right now, Molly.
Let go of me! SCHMIDT: You're embarrassing me
Let me check out your chest.
Let me grade your quiz.
Let me know where you're ending up later.
Let me see. Let me see.
Let me see. You dealing drugs? No.
Let me tell you something. This guy was always a great tryer.
Let's do that again and pretend you guys aren't weird.
Let's do this. Let's make a baby.
Let's get ready for prom.
Let's go check this out.
Let's go, God damn it! Let's do this!
Let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go.
Let's go! Come on!
Let's go. Come on. Come on! Come on!
Let's hear them, then.
Let's just relax, and we can all leave here as friends.
Let's see if you can be Peter to our Wendy.
Let's tap that wire, huh?
Like a carb blowout, you know? I don't know.
Like a couple of ding a lings?
Like an angry walrus!
Like an emotional bull in a china shop,
Like photography and drama.
Like this guy right here. Handsome.
Like you could do any better?
Like, all the time, man. I bet you are.
Liking comic books is popular.
Listen to me! Chill out! Chill out!
Listen, now is not a really good time.
Lock the door! Lock the door!
Look at her. Look at her.
Look at her. Look at her. Look at her.
Look at him. He's trying.
Look at him. Look at the nerd.
Look at him. Look at the nerd.
Look at the nerd. Look at the nerd.
Look at the nerd. Look at the nerd.
Look at yourself!
Look in the glove compartment for a gun.
Look out. Go, go, go!
Look what you did! Look what you did!
Look, dude, it's kind of like we're brothers.
Look, guys, I'm going to relate to you, okay?
Look, I don't have time for this shit.
Look, I don't have time for this shit.
Look, I'm sorry I called you Rain Man.
Look, Molly, some serious stuff is about to go down,
Look, we know what it's like being undercover.
Looks like we're going to have to do your job for you.
Looks tough.
Make fun of me behind my back and everybody laughs at me?
Make sure your form is completely filled out, then move along.
Makes sense.
Making a lot of hand gestures!
Man, I got to say, this is kind of awesome.
Man, let's bounce. We're out of here, man.
Man, this kid rules.
Man, you guys even real cops? You look like the kids on Halloween.
Man, you just hit two people back there!
Matter of fact, it's getting hot in here, huh?
Mayb...
Maybe try one cooler.
Maybe turn down the lights,
Maybe want to go
Maybe with me to prom?
Maybe. Is that...
McQuaid, huh? Doug McQuaid.
McQuaid!
Me, neither.
Me? Yeah.
Meanwhile, you two were standing around
Metaphorically knocking over vases, messing with my crew,
Metro Police, Jump Street Division.
Miley Cyrus looking motherfuckers.
Mmm. Mmm.
Molly, I'm sorry!
Molly, leave right now. What are you...
Molly, uh,
Molly!
Molly!
Molly! Oh, there you are!
Molly...
Mom, get off the phone!
Mom, so serious right now! Stop!
Mom, we don't have time for chores right now!
Mom! Ugh!
More car chases and explosions,
Motherfucker!
Moving out?
Mr. Dadier, I'm so sorry about that. I just...
Mr. Walters?
Ms. Griggs gave us one so we could work, tutor, deal Bakugan.
Ms. Griggs, stop. Stop.
My baby's home! Come here.
My backpack? Yeah.
My dad gave me a stuffed puppy the day he bailed on us.
My favorite molecule is water.
My point is,
My teen son. Mom!
My track team is full of physically incapable rejects.
Nah, nah, it's cool, man, they're my boys, so...
Nah.
Narcs, narc.
New assignment.
New person. Mr. Texty Texty.
Nice! Yes!
Nice.
Nice.
No fucking way.
No hesitash. I'm very excited.
No offense, man, but your brother sucks.
No one's going to prom with us.
No, but“ Give me this.
No, dude, I'm Brad. Okay, good.
No, go ahead. You going anywhere, Schmidt?
No, he did walk out on us, though. Oh.
No, I can't.
No, I heard you guys were partying with some new stuff.
No, I... No, I just...
No, I'm not!
No, it's getting real. It's getting very real.
No, it's just, you know, I don't like when guys are mean to girls.
No, it's not. Here.
No, just pretend like you're sucking my dick.
No, no, I can't install a spyware to remotely monitor calls
No, no, no, come on, you guys just got here, you just got here.
No, no, no, keep it going. Keep it going.
No, no, no, man. Come on, please. Sorry. Come on, please.
No, no, no. Listen, I'm with you guys!
No, no! It's fucking ZZ Top!
No, no! Jenko, Jenko, oh, my God, please. No, no.
No, no! No, no, no! It's fucking ZZ Top!
No, not at all.
No, stop.
No, that doesn't sound right.
No, try, like, seven.
No, watch my mom's shit, man!
No, we're not picking up your dick.
No, you can't get any bitches up here.
No, you're not fingering my mouth.
No!
No! Get out of the way!
No! No! Stay where you are.
No! Stop!
No! Yeah.
No! Yes!
No.
No. Come on, man. We're adults now. We're best buds.
No. I just assumed it,
No. I'm not... No. Take your foot off the brake!
No. No, no, no, that's not what I meant.
No. No. You're fucking up right now.
No. Oh, Come on.
No. You look super young.
Nobody in the system knows you're here. All right? Nobody.
Nope, not until you ask nicely.
Nope.
Normal transition here.
Not like that. Just, let me check you out.
Not so slim Shady, what's up? Holy shit!
Not that I can think of that would make sense.
Not that I know of.
Notice the distinction. I said "professional actor."
Now I'm going to have to take you to the principal's office.
Now we have the wrong identities, you dumb ass.
Now, once this drug breaks containment, it goes viral in a few days.
Now, you two sons of bitches,
Now! Fuck!
Number one or two?
Of suspicious types at school. The users are here.
Oh, come on, that's unfair! We put our guns down in good faith.
Oh, damn.
Oh, fuck me.
Oh, fuck, dude. Lisa, what are you doing? Did she pass out back there?
Oh, fuck, you shot him!
Oh, fuck!
Oh, fuck!
Oh, fuck!
Oh, fuck.
Oh, fuck.
Oh, fuckin' shit!
Oh, God!
Oh, God!
Oh, good, you guys, come hang out with me back here.
Oh, gosh. And I've been in character for months now.
Oh, hey, guys. It's so funny seeing you here.
Oh, I love Disneyland!
Oh, I'm so glad we're going back to get my phone.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Oh, it's going to be so much easier having you onstage with me.
Oh, Jesus.
Oh, lam.
Oh, man. Well, I guess, to that, I would say,
Oh, my elbow.
Oh, my God, dude!
Oh, my God, dude.
Oh, my God, he's a policeman now.
Oh, my God, we're getting such good evidence.
Oh, my God, we're gonna die. We're gonna die.
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! Oh, shit.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Are you okay?
Oh, my God. Mama Schmidt, did you do all this yourself?
Oh, my God. Oh, God, this is so exciting.
Oh, my God. Relax, dude. Who cares?
Oh, my God. We love you.
Oh, no.
Oh, shit,
Oh, shit!
Oh, shit!
Oh, shit!
Oh, shit!
Oh, shit!
Oh, shit! Oh, shit!
Oh, shit.
Oh, shit.
Oh, shit. What's wrong with you? Run!
Oh, speak of the devil!
Oh, wait, actually, that's not true. I did.
Oh, yeah, Cinnamon!
Oh, yeah.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh. Hey, man.
Oh. Hi. You are fine as shit.
Oh. Sorry, Doug,
Okay, all right, all right.
Okay, almost done.
Okay, and I care about you,
Okay, Captain, look, the dealers are the popular kids,
Okay, cool.
Okay, fine!
Okay, honey. I want you to know
Okay, I can't sell all this shit on my own,
Okay, I'm not asking.
Okay, it's just I don't want to go to jail!
Okay, let's go. Let's go, let's go.
Okay, let's take some shots.
Okay, my name's not Doug.
Okay, now, chemistry's the one with
Okay, ready? Here I go.
Okay, right over here, we're going to shoot these bottles.
Okay, so we stayed up all night making this.
Okay, that makes sense. Continue.
Okay, those are Goths.
Okay, what makes you the expert?
Okay, yeah, those are great notes.
Okay, you do good, maybe we bring you in on what we're doing,
Okay, you don't have to narrate everything!
Okay? Two, make fun of people who do try.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay. All right.
Okay. Good.
Okay. Look, it obviously starts with,
Okay. Okay. Oh, my God! Stop, dude! Go!
Okay. Shit, man. See you around, all right?
Okay. Time for a pop Quiznos.
Okay. Yeah, yeah!
One each? One pop each of drugs.
One of these programs involves the use of young,
One particle of Unobtainium has
One Percenters?
One strap is peer pressure.
One, don't try hard at anything.
Or I'm gonna jump your asses off Jump Street!
Or if you even exist. No offense.
Organized sports are so fascist. It makes me sick.
Our potential business partners
Ow! My hand!
Participation medal for soccer.
Password!
Password! Open the door!
Patch looks pimp, man.
Peek a boo!
Penthouse now. Supplier's waiting.
Phyllis.
Pick up my dick! Please!
Piñata? Mmm hmm.
Piñata? Really? Yep.
Please get in the car.
Pluto is a planet.
Police! Get on the ground!
Pop Quiznos.
Porsche! Porsche! Police! Get out of the car, douche!
Potassium nitrate.
Potassium nitrate. Thanks for noticing.
Pound of marijuana?
Pretty laissez faire about the whole thing.
Pretty much everyone I know does it,
Principal Dadier sucks dick!
Probably at home with those lame tools
Prom eats a dong. Multiple dongs.
Pull it out!
Pull it out! Pull it out! Pull it out!
Put her there, man.
Put her there, partner.
Put them down.
Put your tongue in your mouth, and close it.
Ravishing.
Read this. "Please wait. Extracting data from SIM card."
Real enough for you?
Really into Native American... Let's rock and roll.
Remember that wiretap I put on Eric's phone?
Revving up the engine and shit, okay?
Rid of it?
Right now, H.F.S. is contained right there at Sagan High.
Right now!
Right?
Right. Doug! HL
Rule number one at Jump Street. Fugazy.
Rule number two Burns.
Ruled.
Rules are rules, so,
Run that way!
Runs on leftover fry oil from Hunan Palace.
Sam Jackson one. Yeah! Sam Jackson style.
Schmidt, says you were a virgin
Schmidt. Doug.
Schmidty.
See, that's Brad.
See? They open up. Battle Brawlers.
See? Whose wiretap is working for him now, huh?
Serious question, though.
Seriously, did you not see Eric?
Seriously, I would no strap it if that would even be possible.
Seriously, if you do that again,
Seriously, just take me back to school, man.
Seriously, use your words, use your words!
She did, she just brought up prom. What is she doing?
She just passed out from the drugs. We're good.
She looks dead already.
She said, "I need to grab a handful of that dick"?
She tried to grab my junk.
She was like, "Oh, my God, I have arthritis,"
She's going to tell the whole neighborhood.
Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit. Take the shot!
Shit, they're coming! They're coming! What?
Shit!
Shit!
Shit! It's a bust.
Shit! She just tried to grab my dick, dude!
Shit! Shit, dude.
Shit! Shit!
Shit! That hurt worse than when he hit me!
Shit.
Shit.
Shit. Good luck, bro.
Shoot Oh, my God. Okay! Okay!
Shoot that gun, shoot that gun!
Shoot the gun! Shoot the gun!
Shoot them! Stay on them!
Shoot!
Shoot! Shoot! Shit, shit...
Shots, shots!
Should we high five?
Shut the fuck up!
Shut this kid up!
Shut your fucking mouth, you understand me? Shh...
Shut your fucking mouth.
Sick chicks, killer steeze.
Sign says, "Do not feed the ducks."
Simple.
Since you have so much to say to Molly,
Since you two cowboys love to drink booze,
Sir, are you saying
Sir, I just want to throw out to you
Sir, I know we come off as a couple of lady killers,
Sir, if I have to suck somebody's dick, I will.
Smells like egg rolls.
Smoke weed with kids, and fuck anything with a big ass in jeans
Smoking a J.J. behind the field house,
So all they do now is recycle shit from the past
So are you saying if he wasn't talented, it would be less sad?
So are you.
So do you make the stuff or...
So fucking hard the first time.
So I bought these,
So I had to save us. I was going to shoot.
So I hope you don't mind the elliptical.
So I need you.
So I pushed her. We got to get out of here.
So if you're not back in six minutes,
So people are like, you know, often say, "Oh, I think I know you,"
So proud.
So suck a dick!
So that means your name is Doug, son.
So we're gonna get to hear every single thing that little prick is up to.
So why don't you show us a little respect?
So would...
So would...
So you can.
So you have to leave right now.
So you should blend right in.
So you're Doug.
So, I'm sorry, what are you getting mad at me for?
So, we are going to hold auditions for the Peter Pan part today.
So...
Some messed up shit went down yesterday.
Somebody definitely got shot.
Sorry!
Sorry. I'm happy to see you.
Speaking.
Spike that! Fuck you, Miles Davis!
Springfield .45s, police issue. Very powerful guns.
Stay! Stay. Stop.
Stay. Stop. Stop.
Stomp! Stomp! Oh, shit.
Stop fucking with Korean Jesus!
Stop hitting me!
Stop!
Stop! Stop it. You're expelled. Both of you are expelled.
Stripping down cars in the Garfield High metal shop.
Such a bad joke.
Such bullshit.
Supplier's waiting. Is that Eric?
Sure.
Taint your memory.
Take five, take five, man, let me get this. I got this.
Take it now or get the fuck out.
Take the shot! Just shoot him! Let's go!
Take your foot off the brake.
Taking out the SIM card.
Taking out the SIM card.
Teenage the fuck up!
Ten hut! Ladies and gentlemen,
Terrible, terrible.
Thank you for asking.
Thank you, Zack. Whoo! So good.
Thank you, Zod.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you. Oh, you're welcome.
Thanks for saving my life,
Thanks, man.
Thanks.
Thanks.
That I ever needed
That I love so very much.
That I would give a shit if he was black.
That if he really wanted it,
That is a baton penis.
That is a fake nose.
That is a great picture, Morton. Mmm hmm.
That is really insensitive.
That is the actual sound of choking.
That makes them stick together.
That means a lot coming from you.
That means people actually give a shit.
That must be Phyllis. She is just dying to see you.
That people would think I'm cool.
That there are some good guys out there,
That they're cool, and they're not cool.
That was a gun.
That was a total mix up, what happened earlier.
That was awesome! That was amazing.
That was awesome.
That was crazy! You killed a guy!
That was insane!
That was nuts. I lost you guys.
That was... That was actually really fuckin' awesome.
That you're going to send us into, like,
That your dick's just going to fall off.
That'd be the best thing for the case.
That's actual drugs. Oh, my God.
That's all you heard?
That's awesome.
That's awesome.
That's Brad.
That's cool, man. It's nice to meet you also.
That's extremely vivid. Thank you.
That's funny, because we were actually Jump Street.
That's great. Thank you.
That's just racist.
That's just too crazy.
That's just what I do.
That's kind of fucked up, man.
That's like my life, except Brad is really shitty at math.
That's like us fucking Mother Earth without a condom.
That's my brother!
That's my dick!
That's my mom's Kokopelli vase.
That's my quesadilla!
That's no fun. Come on.
That's not cool, man.
That's not funny. Is that it?
That's not the way his face looks. That's just a question mark.
That's right.
That's right. Go to sleep, bitch.
That's right. Schmidt! Schmidt, we got one!
That's unfair. We're all friends here.
That's weird, guys.
That's weird, man. SCHMIDT: I think what he was trying to say was,
That's what I'm talking about! Yeah!
That's what we think they're cooking the dope with.
That's when two atoms, they share electrons.
That's why I put this dress on,
The boy is an angel.
The department was forced to drop the charges
The doctor thought I was gonna spontaneously grow a vagina.
The end?
The fact that you look like a fucking 40 year old man.
The mic is live and we can hear how the other half lives.
The mission is this.
The mom is coming!
The money's gone!
The only approval
The party's here!
The shapes and shit, right?
The supplier wants the deal to go down at prom.
The supplier's going to be there.
The Three Keys of Coolness in High School, by Jenko.
The track star, and this is Brad, the science prodigy.
The yarn actually indicates...
Then after that shit at the play, I realized
Then one day I catch Eco Butt munch over here
Then you won't mind if I search your bike, now, would you?
There are good guys out there
There he is! That's him. That's him.
There is no...
There was this one month where she bought me 43 stuffed animals.
There you go.
There you go. That's it.
There's my quesadilla.
There's no reason the wiretap is super urgent, right?
There's no way you guys could be cops.
There's not a nice way to put it.
There's rumors in the Twittersphere.
These guys are, like, big time drug dealers.
They could be a new buyer, or they could be the supplier.
They don't care about prom actually secretly does.
They don't serve vegan in jail, bitch.
They put this on the Internet for everybody to see?
They said I was held back a year.
They say it's when two atoms share both their electrons.
They'll find theyself in prison
They're coming! They're coming! I got an idea.
They're going to make us, or kill us.
They're going to make us. Well, if I go too far back,
They're gonna see it.
They're stealing equipment from the chemistry lab.
They're teenagers, man. They're really stupid.
They're these crunchy granola dudes that have convinced everyone
Think we're going to be fine. I don't feel anything.
This has got to be a joke.
This house is adorable.
This is crazy. This is, like, the craziest thing I've ever been a part of.
This is it.
This is my parents' bedroom.
This is my temple, this is where I come to find peace, dawg,
This is my twin. We're together in...
This is unbelievable.
This is Walters, he made the stuff.
This is what you guys do all day? Let's do it again.
This is wrong, yet so right.
This is, like, the smartest move I've ever pulled,
This is, like, the smartest move I've ever pulled,
This kid was actually talking to a tree this morning.
This place is awesome. Yeah.
This place is weird.
Those are nerds.
Those are the guys from the park.
Three, be handsome.
Three.
Through high school. It says that?
Till you give them a chance, man.
Time to get our jobs back.
To a brilliant idea
To get your Frisbee back?
To infiltrate a gang like this?
To make any new friends with that attitude?
To mess with you. What?
To remind you. Exactly.
Today's quiz is on...
Tom Hanson, DEA! On your knees!
Totally, very nervous.
Tough titty. I fucked her, too.
True story.
Trying to take a hostage, some goddamn TV show shit?
Ugh! She just, like, smothers me with affection
Uh I was just calling 'cause we're costarring in this play together,
Uh, I can't. I'm fine just being a tree or something.
Uh, what?
Uh...
Uh...
Um, can I go take a dump?
Um, look, I know
Um...
Um... Hey, thank you again for the party, man.
Umm...
Understand?
Very Native American.
Wait for the signal.
Wait, guys! Call me!
Wait, how are we going to buy alcohol?
Wait, you can't do it?
Wait. Pick me up?
Wanted to know your hookup so me and my boys can get in on it.
Warehouse rave in Ellsworth.
Was I flying? That was amazing.
Was my best friend.
Watch out! It's going to explode! It's going to go!
We all suspect from a very lame family.
We are about to premiere in front of the whole school.
We are running out of time!
We are so glad you're here. Okay.
We arrest people now! What up, park?
We asked you first! I don't give a damn!
We definitely got to follow them and find out, though.
We did blow up the air mattress in your room
We did it, man!
We did it.
We didn't really get along in high school.
We don't have to worry about the dealers.
We don't know. That's why there's a question mark on his face.
We get to act together.
We get to be brothers?
We got a pound of coke.
We got one! I got him!
We got time.
We gotta get out of here, man.
We gotta throw up. That kid, Billiam, died. We got to throw up.
We had no idea.
We had to get fuckin' tattoos on our dicks, man.
We just brought down a group of wannabe thugs
We just closed our third high school operation.
We just have to do something wildly irresponsible to earn their trust.
We were going to take it home.
We were going to test what blows up.
We were just about to go outside with a bunch of chemicals.
We would never.
We'd be off park duty for sure.
We're compiling a list
We're fucked.
We're going to practice, okay? Okay.
We're gonna drop our guns.
We're good, baby. Whoo!
We're good. Cool.
We're good. We're good, man. We're good.
We're not atoms, dude.
We're not finger popping each other's assholes.
We're not really gun people, man. No. No?
We're reviving a canceled undercover police program from the '80s
We're stuck in traffic! Oh, shit.
We're supposed to unload them first, right?
We're trying to show them a good time, not ruin their fucking lives.
We're, like, in the end of Die Hard right now, but it's our actual life.
We've known each other for a really long time.
Welcome aboard, Peter.
Welcome to the Police Academy.
Well, all right, I'll see you at school. You're a great person.
Well, guess what, motherfuckers.
Well, he's not really your friend.
Well, I'm 18 years old,
Well, the thing... Yeah, right.
Well, turn that gay ass music off.
Well, uh,
Well, yeah
Well, yeah.
Well, you can tell your friend
Well, you can tell your friend
Well, you're fucking up.
Were you held back or something or...
Were you held forward?
What a green penis that guy is, huh?
What a vagina. He has no chance with her.
What about you? Biodiesel, dawg.
What am I supposed to do with this? I don't know, man!
What are y'all doing? How'd you get a key in here?
What are you doing in here?
What are you doing with all those phones anyway?
What are you doing?
What are you doing?
What are you doing? Are you trying to find my G spot?
What are you doing? Have you completely lost your mind?
What are you doing? If they see us,
What are you doing? Pick it...
What are you doing? Stop it.
What are you doing? What are you doing?
What are you doing? You're supposed to use two straps.
What are you gonna do? Ha!
What are you talking about?
What are you talking about? We're in a pink Bug!
What are you, a fucking Keebler Elf?
What are you? Come on. Hey, come on.
What are you...
What did I say? What did I say?
What did I tell you? Come on, let's go, let's go, let's go!
What do I do? Go away!
What do I do? Hit him!
What do we do?
What do you get when lithium batteries react to potassium nitrate?
What do you think's in that thing?
What happened? I don't know.
What if the principal sees you?
What if you had gotten found out? But it worked.
What is a pop Quiznos?
What is that? Barbecue? Cool Ranch?
What is this?
What is your name? Brad?
What kind of a sick animal draws
What kind of bullshit do they say
What possible reason is there for not doing the only thing
What the fuck are you saying? I don't know! I'm just trying!
What the fuck are you talking about?
What the fuck are you...
What the fuck is going on?
What the fuck is that going to do? Roll it up!
What the fuck, bro? Some privacy! Shit, shit, shit!
What the fuck?
What the fuck?
What the fuck? You non driving motherfuckers!
What the hell was that? God damn it, son!
What the hell?
What the... What the...
What up, park? Who wants one?
What was that? Did you hear that?
What we're doing is getting shit done.
What you can't achieve before you don't achieve it.
What, Kennedy High isn't having any parties tonight?
What, you having a party now?
What, you... No.
What?
What?
What?
What?
What?
What?
What?
What?
What?
What? Are you kidding me?
What? Can we get some bitches up in here?
What? Fuck!
What? I'm trying to party. Down!
What? McQuaid!
What? Mom, you told Phyllis I was here?
What? No! Yes. Stop.
What? No.
What? She just said yes!
What? Stay.
What? What are you talking about? Are you two strapping?
What? What are you talking about? I don't know.
What? What's going on? All right.
What? Yeah. Oh, yeah.
What? You tried to grab his...
What's a covalent bond?
What's that thing get, 10 miles to the gallon?
What's this? Tequila?
What's up, man, how you doing?
What's up, my man?
What's up, Roman?
What's up, Zack? Hey, buddy.
What's up?
What's up?
What's up? What's up?
Whatever he took, the lab has never seen it before.
Whatever it is, I'm in.
Whatever, man.
Whazzup? Yeah.
When did I get stabbed?
When he was really fucked up and a lot of fun!
When I say, "Shut the fuck up,"
When I was a young actor just starting out in New York state,
When I'm talking to him, I'm talking to him.
When to take it. He shouldn't have been taking it at all.
When we were undercover.
When'd you go through puberty? Like, at seven or something?
Where is Eric, man? He said he'd be here.
Where is he tonight?
Where is he? There's my guy!
Where is my phone? Okay, okay.
Where should we report to?
Where were you?
Where?
Where? Where? There's no glove compartment
Where'd you learn how to do that, man?
Which is all anybody seems to be talking about right now.
Which makes it far outside the norm.
Which one of you is named Doug?
Which way is yearbook? I don't know.
While you were having the time of your life last night, I was listening.
Who are these two motherfuckers?
Who are you?
Who aren't assholes like me.
Who invited you guys? I did!
Who knows? I could ride this thing out.
Who put this together? Are you autistic?
Who we gonna take to the prom?
Who would he call if he wanted it?
Who you calling a nerd, man?
Whoa, it's cool, man, come on.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you doing?
Whoa!
Whoa.
Whoa. What are you wearing?
Whoo!
Whoo!
Whoo! No, keep it going!
Why am I automatically blowing you?
Why did you shoot for me?
Why do you always jump over the car like that?
Why do you have salt in your...
Why don't you text them
Why should I?
Why you saying "I love you" to my mom?
Why? 'Cause you're at my party right now, dude.
Why? 'Cause you're at my party right now, dude.
Will you go to prom with me?
Will you stop front seat driving?
Will you stop! Just for two seconds!
With a dress code or anything like that.
With a snorkel duct taped to they mouth
With Korean shit.
With low self esteem,
With me to prom?
With somebody that sounded very suspect
With the nerdy kids and see what's going on over there.
With whatever it is that you're getting involved in.
Worse things in the world.
Worst best friend ever!
Would you
Would you want to go to me...
Would you...
Would you...
Wouldn't it be better if we both infiltrated the cool kids' group?
Wouldn't you and Eric go together?
Wow, so I'm really digging this decor.
Wow, that's a bigger hug than I was expecting.
Wow.
Wow. Hurry. Just drive.
Wow. You look great.
Wow. You're a sharer. I dig that.
Wow. You're fast.
Y'all boys are stupid.
Yeah, actually, it hurts 'cause the dirt gets mushed into it.
Yeah, after we made the exchange,
Yeah, as a matter of fact,
Yeah, because you already had one.
Yeah, he just sells it Come on.
Yeah, I am.
Yeah, I am.
Yeah, I can hear her breathing.
Yeah, I can't believe you guys did this for us.
Yeah, I got this deal going down.
Yeah, I got to be seen with you.
Yeah, I promise we will.
Yeah, I think we need to call somebody. Hey, call somebody!
Yeah, I'm Doug. Great.
Yeah, I'm feeling a little ambivalent about that right now.
Yeah, it does.
Yeah, let's do that.
Yeah, like, a start time...
Yeah, no worries, man.
Yeah, no, I feel the same way about you,
Yeah, no, I'm sorry.
Yeah, no, it's all good.
Yeah, no, it's all good.
Yeah, okay. That's cool.
Yeah, our parents are actually
Yeah, sure.
Yeah, the theme song was, like...
Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, you know, they're out most nights.
Yeah, you're following too close, dude.
Yeah!
Yeah!
Yeah! Fuck you! Yeah! Fuck you! Yeah!
Yeah! We got an arrest!
Yeah?
Yeah? Yeah? Shit.
Yeah? You sure? I got this one.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah. He feels awful. He feels...
Yeah. I mean, I guess that makes sense.
Yeah. Schmidty?
Yeah. There you guys are.
Yeah. Well, thanks.
Yeah. Yeah, me, too.
Yep, it is.
Yep.
Yep.
Yep.
Yep. That's me.
Yes, I'm Doug McQuaid,
Yes, it means I'm undercover right now.
Yes, that's what I'm talking about!
Yes, yes. No problem.
Yes, you are! You're texting!
Yes!
Yes!
Yes!
Yes!
Yes! Yes!
Yes! Yes!
Yes! Yes!
Yes! Yes!
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
Yesterday, I found a college application on your desk!
Yo, I'm serious.
Yo, this is butt. There's, like, no hot dudes here.
Yo, yo.
Yo.
You always do this, every single time.
You and Eric and Juario, whatever.
You and your brother aren't related, right?
You are a very silly man indeed.
You are good with money.
You are here simply because you look young.
You are so hot!
You bought us Taco Bell.
You boys are so good at this.
You cherub looking motherfucker.
You do have the right to be an attorney, if you want to.
You do that, and I'll sign this pass.
You don't care about the environment?
You don't think that's going to happen again, do you?
You either find the supplier,
You ever use one?
You failed to stop the outbreak, and you have no leads!
You feel like a big shot?
You fucking think of something.
You get kicked out of school,
You get on the fuckin' ground!
You go to my classes, and I'm going to go to yours.
You got a lot of something special going on there, young man.
You got a lot of stuff to do.
You got a pass for running around the hallways
You got fine ass honeys with you.
You got me?
You got nothing. How's my dick feel in your ass, huh?
You got the right to...
You got to let the kids go, and no one's gonna die, okay?
You got to one strap it.
You got to pull the trigger!
You got to study this stuff.
You got your first arrest, huh?
You guys are late.
You guys aren't narcs, are you?
You guys cross my line again,
You guys know each other, right? Yeah.
You guys want to do this or not?
You guys, huh?
You have exceptional muscle tone there, young man.
You have the right to an attorney!
You have the right to remain silent!
You have to do when arresting someone?
You have to go. Please, don't leave me ever.
You have to say the password. I'm sorry. What?
You have to. Everyone auditions for Peter.
You hear that? That's you.
You just got head butted, motherfucker!
You just shot him in the dick.
You know how Tom Cruise is always pissed off at Rain Man?
You know what happens to a handsome guy like me in jail?
You know what?
You know what? From now on, you're gonna do some chores.
You know what's crazy to me
You know who calls people narcs?
You know, back in the day, you were super popular,
You know, I switch their wireless carriers,
You know, prom's, like, in four days...
You lied to me!
You little dweebs just ruined a five year investigation.
You little turds.
You look like a young Jay Leno.
You look like you might have a little Peter inside of you.
You look like you're in your mid 20s, for crying out loud.
You look really old.
You made me this friendship bracelet.
You may enter.
You need to get out of here right now.
You need to leave. You need to leave.
You Okay?
You peaked in high school, motherfucker.
You played saxophone at my sister's wedding, man!
You pretend like you're sucking my dick.
You pull up in a white stallion of a limo.
You punch them directly in the face.
You punched a little gay black kid in the face,
You punched me because I'm gay? What?
You saying we should throw a party?
You screwed this investigation all up.
You see what I see?
You see, the guys in charge of this stuff
You see, they both need what the other one has.
You shot me in the dick!
You shot my partner, you motherfucker!
You shut the fuck up. Hey, you shut up.
You some Justin Beaver,
You still got those shotgun shells? Yeah.
You stop. I'm not... Take your hands off. Shit!
You stupid idiot!
You think I don't know that's a dick and balls?
You think I'm hot?
You think that's funny?
You told me not to worry about the tickets!
You two are staying at Schmidt's parents' house
You two get to your mama house ASAP.
You two sons of bitches are going to college!
You want me to beat your dick off?
You want Real World? Yeah, let's do it, man.
You want to beat my dick off?
You were shooting at the fuckin' ceiling.
You were. You were held back two years.
You weren't shooting, you were choking,
You will always be my infant angel baby child. There's my guy.
You will be going undercover as high school students.
You, dude, I like you, man.
You, my friend, are about to pay the piper.
You, you look familiar.
You're a fucking nerd.
You're a girl.
You're a goddamn rock star.
You're a liar, and you're mean!
You're a pussy!
You're a smart guy, and you're thoughtful,
You're behind. I'm ahead.
You're Doug. You're Doug.
You're dressed to the nines with your best buds.
You're embarrassing me.
You're fucking cops?
You're gonna do the dishes, you're gonna mow the lawn...
You're gonna wash the laundry, you're gonna fold it,
You're good at this, huh?
You're in too deep, man.
You're killing my dream! Come in.
You're looking amped!
You're not asking me to prom, are you?
You're not doing anything illegal? No.
You're not going to the prom.
You're officially transferred.
You're on the prom committee. Mmm hmm.
You're probably going with someone.
You're really good at this.
You're really hot and you're really slutty and it's awesome,
You're so cool!
You're so lucky your parents don't give a shit about you.
You're supposed to be my friend!
You're teenagers now, all right?
You're the best. You are the best.
You're the dealer guy? Is that you?
You're the dealer?
You're the new kid who's All County in track?
You're the supplier? You're a teacher.
You're, like, an amazing actor, man.
You're, like, the only guy that I can really trust.
Your boys are cops! They're cops!
Your brother's kind of a dick.
Your drugs is spreading to different schools now, sucker.
Your grandma's vagina,
Your monkey ass is getting kicked out of Jump Street.
Your mother told me that you are undercover.
Your shit's good.
Your shotgun's hanging too low.
Yours isn't loaded, right? Huh?
20 bucks a pop.
37 Jump Street.
and... Hello?
Chase someone! Chase someone?
Come here now! What do I do?
Come on, come on, come on! Stop.
I said don't move! Eric, help me!
Keep it casual. Yeah.
Look. Got something made for you. You didn't!
Sorry. What are y'all doing?
Such bullshit! Get off of me!
Thank you, Cinnamon. Are those new?
You got this. Hey, hold still.
...to suck my dick, motherfucker!
'Cause doves make you look like a badass, that's why.
'Cause it's just boys right now.
'Cause my piñata is killing me.
'cause we're kind of using that as a workout area,
'Cause you ain't learned nothing.
'Cause you just said that. They call people...
'Cause you look totally different.
'Cause you're in a fucking Peter Pan costume!
"Angry Black Captain."
"Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law."
"If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be appointed..."
"it hurts my hand, I need to grab a handful of that dick."
"LOL."
"Undercover." That's so cute.
"We love you"? What are you doing?
"What, Scott, what, Scott, what, what, what, what, Scott?"
"Wonder Years douche"?
"You have the right to an attorney."
"You have the right to an attorney."
"You have the right to remain an attorney."
"You have the right to remain silent."
