Blackadder (1982) - Season 1 Edit

A cat that drinks blood,

A certain amount of...violence.

A couple of things.

A friend of mine had this awful pimple on the inside of his nose!

A great brown ox, steaming and smouldering all night long.

A horse that talks,

A horse! (Whistles)

A horse.

A kind of pudding, made with bread and butter and raisins.

A knife? A file? A small bucket of water?

A likely story.

A little animal, too, in my despair.

A little more cunning...

A long and healthy life to him!

A lot. It's a humorous act.

A man tortured by insatiable greed!

A messenger with the black plague, perhaps?

A nice cheeseboard, fruit bowls, waterproof sandals...

A talkative badger?

A toast to our triumph!

A toast! Let all those who go to don armour tomorrow

A way out, you say?

A way out?

A woman pushed me off a rampart, finding me hideously ugly,

A wonderful idea...

A word of advice.

A—A—Argh!

A—Argh!

A—choo!

Aaaaaaargh!

Aaah!

Aaargh!

Aaargh!

Aaargh!

Absolutely fascinating!

Absolutely, hurrah!

Accident, my codling!

Ach, I'm only kidding!

Ach! Hey!

Acting dead? That I can do.

Actually, I don't think I can.

Actually, I'm quite interested in the wigs.

Actually, they look rather like dog bites.

Adultery, pillage — through all eternity?

Adultery, pillage, torture...those areas.

After all, who has the fastest brain in the land?

After careful consultation with Lord God, his son, Jesus Christ,

After the way you slaughtered Lord Stanley!

After we had just kissed once, he transformed into a wild animal.

Again, the truth is very different.

Ah—h!

Ah, b—but have you found the chief witch yet?

Ah, Baldrick, a couple of knights to see the Archbishop.

Ah, bienvenida a nuestro castillo.

Ah, but we won't, Percy. I shall prove to all that I am a man.

Ah, Edmund, there you are.

Ah, Edmund! Come in! The witchsmeller's arrived!

Ah, Edmund.

Ah, hello.

Ah, Lord Percy. Edmund tells me you turned up late for the battle,

Ah, morning, dear.

Ah, nobles... Let me see. I think...Lord Coverdale.

Ah, right.

Ah, right.

Ah, that sounds like the answer!

Ah, the eunuch!

Ah, the fine embroidery!

Ah, well, you remember that dying man we saw in the cottage?

Ah, yes, almost as tragic as Archbishop Bertram

Ah, yes, you're right.

Ah, yes!

Ah, yes! And then one day...

Ah, yes. Ah, right.

Ah, yes. Yes, that is a knotty one.

Ah, you will change your mind later. I know it!

Ah, Your Majesty!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah! And what is your name, little fellow?

Ah! Boys.

Ah.

Ah.

Ah.

Ah.

Ah. Very well...

Ah...

Ah...

Aha!

Ahh!

Alas, such is the way of the world.

Alas!

Alas! The corruption of the world!

All is revealed in this, the first chapter of a history never told,

All right, they are. I got bitten by a dog.

All the more heinous as the accused is a prince.

All you need to do is practise with Percy.

Already, I can hear the sound of battle ringing in my ears.

Although, of course, in those days he was known as the Thrush!

Am I to be saved?

Amen!

Amen. You're a lucky man.

Amusing for whom, I wonder?

An affliction you must be familiar with, never having had a brain.

An easily bribed ant?

And a farmer in Rye heard a cow reciting Geoffrey Chaucer,

And a man! Ooh—h!

And a man...who propagates poodles!

And a thousand Turkish whores!

And a young woman in Shropshire saw Geoffrey Chaucer in a field,

And all who fight us go to hell!

And an axe aimed at it.

And another thing, Your Grace,

And are you Miss Tully Applebottom?

And as for that great Spanish dumpling there,

And Brother Baldrick to do so also.

And claim the throne that isn't mine by right!

And competed in athletic sports.

And drink a toast to our enterprise.

And eaten as sweets by Mongolian bandits?

And enormous devils break wind both night and day.

And eunuchs are his particular favourite.

And flowers...

And follow me at a distance, that would be fine.

And gentlemen in London still a—bed

And give the dukedom to our cousin, Hastings. Many happy returns, Tom.

And he still roams free.

And he'd already burnt four of your friends, would you tell everyone?

And head and shoulders over Richard Il!

And hello to you.

And here he comes.

And here on a mission for King Richard, bless him!

And his insubstantial friend, the Holy Ghost,

And hold their manhood cheap,

And how are his dear little sheep?

And how Henry Tudor escaped with his life,

And how was Edmund?

And hunted down, chopped to pieces,

And I find you both very boring.

And I got ravaged by a rabid dog. Satisfied?

And I raise a royal curse

And I shall call you "My Lord", My Lord.

And I that am not shaped for black—faced war... (Cheering)

And I thought you'd be the perfect person to take his place.

And I'm yours.

And if I don't leave my lands to the Church, then what?

And if I were you and I'd asked the witchsmeller into town,

And invited them to wrestle with you inside the nunnery

And it comes...from Galveston.

And it's very good to see you, because, frankly...

And killed Richard Il.

And leave my land to the Church.

And make mad, passionate love to you.

And may your head fall off at an awkward moment.”

And me, also.

And most evil case draws to an end.

And my genitalia in a tree somewhere in Rutland.

And my most intimate treasures —

And my soul in the hands of the Lord.

And now, at last,

And of course, my autographed miniature of Judas Iscariot.

And Primate of all England.

And Queen Beowulfa of Iceland and...

And reigned for 13 glorious years.

And rest.

And send him back to the madhouse he came from...

And send me to Hell where I belong.

And shout, "Behold, I honour thee most highly!”

And slaughter!

And so bid the world farewell!

And so the King was after his blood.

And speed with haste to Jasper's Tavern.

And straightening the royal portraits, and now this!

And surrender. Your money or your life.

And that is the amusing part!

And that, sweet lady, is the whole story.

And the ghosts of our ancestors rose up

And the grisly dumpling of his killer fled.

And the papal legate,

And the part of you that can't be mentioned,

And the Queen's "got a headache”.

And the snails, presumably,

And there's all the stuff made by Jesus

And they shut the gates on him.

And think you can upset the harmony of a kingdom?

And this rather small crowd

And thus condemn himself to certain burning at the stake?

And to crush the evil.

And to mourn a great loss.

And two women in Windsor claim to have been ****d by a fish!

And we all know what happens to archbishops, don't we?

And what can I do for you?

And what have you been up to?

And what is the other thing?

And what's that?

And when all is done,

And when he comes to you, drop whatever you are doing,

And where the mind is never free from the torments of remorse,

And which nobleman, pray?

And who might that be, My Lord?

And with other men. But, oh, when they do come to the women,

And women are his prey.

And yet, Mother Superior,

And you are not Satan?

And you are?

And you can sort out the frolics.

And you, Grumbledook?

And your bottom never free from the pricking of little forks.

And your father with a fruit knife.

And your mission?

And, er, unfortunately killed him stone dead.

And, er...and another large beer!

And...what's that exactly?

Another nail in the coffin of variety.

Another toast. To dead King Richard.

Any excuse to get off a day's work!

Any news, Baldrick?

Anything else?

Anyway, how's that eagle of yours?

Apparently, Lord Wilders is keeping his sheep in his bedroom,

Apparently, my father and your mother used to...

Apparently, some fool cut his head off...or killed him in some way.

Archbishop, we salute thee!

Are as excrement compared to cream.

Are everybody's favourite lunch.

Are there any Hungarian Princesses in the castle?

Are we getting married now?

Are we to assume this horse has something to hide?

Are you all right, Edmund? You look as if you've just seen a ghost.

Are you Edmund, Duke of Edinburgh?

Are you Maria Escalosa Fiona Infan...

Are you sure about your source?

Are you sure he's the kind of chap we're looking for?

Are you sure you know what you're saying?

Are you the servant of Satan?

Argh!

Argh!

Armed with a small piece of cutlery.

As a deformed maniac who killed his nephews in the Tower.

As a little pig.

As Black Satin the Loquacious!

As for these entertainments...

As for who killed Richard 111

As I thought.

As sure as Mother was when she wrote:

As the good Lord said: Love thy neighbour as thyself —

At last, I can relax.

At last, the chance for some real power!

At least there are no living witnesses to the contrary.

At least you can take solace in one thing.

At the striking of ten bells,

Attractive to you.

Attractive?

Au contraire, I say,

Aye, everyone's gone to lunch.

Aye!

B—But th—this...!

Baa—aaa.

Baa—aaa.

Baldrick, go and get My Lord Bishop of Ramsgate.

Baldrick, My Lord.

Baldrick, what are you talking about?

Baldrick, you fool.

Baldrick, you've got a beard. Get yourself a nice dress.

Baldrick!

Baldrick's been looking at ways

Barbarians! Half of them can't even speak English.

Bare my broad buttocks,

Basically, there appear to be four major profit areas.

Bastard verger! I'll show him!

Be not paralysed with terror.

Because he's a thieving Scottish weasel.

Because, Edmund, it is going to take you 15 years

Because, Percy,

Because...correct me if 1'm wrong, Lord Percy —

Because...the Black Adder gives you his word.

Begin!

Behold! Treasures torn from the torsos of a Turk

Being struck by a falling gargoyle off Beachy Head.

Believe in God the Father, God the Son and God the Holy Ghost?

Bernard of Saxe—Coburg and Jezabel of Estonia.

Bertha of Flanders, Bertha of Brussels,

Bertha of Saxe—Coburg... and Jeremy of Estonia.

Besides, Lord Dougal McAngus, the supreme commander, is expected

Best not mentioned.

Black homing pigeons?

Black Satin, known in the hierarchy of evil

Blessed be thy stainless soul!

Bloody milk! A mixture of milk and blood!

Brilliant, Baldrick. How you did that, I'll never know!

Brilliant, My Lord. Good thinking.

Brilliant!

Brilliant! Contact them at once.

Brilliant! Of course.

Brilliant! Well done, Baldrick. Very cunning.

Bring out your deeeeaaad!

Brother, I'm honoured. All I ask is a scrap of land.

Bury you at sea, say you died in combat with an enemy vessel.

Business?

But about nine months before your birth, Edmund.

But apart from that it went swimmingly. How are you, Edna?

But at least we know it's all in a good cause, don't we?

But ever the shadow of his father's threat hung over him,

But for a quick sale, you can't beat a nose.

But hasn't the church always dealt with the unusual?

But how shall it be proved, Percy?

But how will people tell which are the real relics?

But I am sure he'd appreciate a little visit from you.

But I don't really think they understood it.

But I know people who have and they say it's very blue indeed.

But I thought...

But I'm not ready. I haven't had a bath yet.

But if I do not gain its blessing, I will surely go to Hell!

But it has something to do with...

But it sounds like Greek.

But it's a fascinating week ahead.

But it's a stupid plan, let's face it.

But it's true! I couldn't find enough bats and look what happened.

But not my mother, oh, no.

But nothing on the appointment, no.

But now I intend to follow the path of the saints,

But now I've clipped its wings, no problem.

But tell me anyway.

But the chambermaid, Mary, heard you say,

But the fruits of my loins are here for all to see.

But the iron isn't hot!

But the real truth is that Richard was a kind, thoughtful man

But the Swiss are our allies.

But there have been none quite so vile as the Tudor king, Henry VII.

But they don't really count, do they?

But they're flying King Richard's banner.

But those lands do, in fact, belong to me.

But we must eat the yellow wobbly parts the good Lord serves.

But why don't we just kill them?

But you are a man.

But you know where the real secret of diplomacy lies?

But your spirit will live forever!

But, unfortunately, one of their number is ill, um...

But...

But...but your horse... used to be a huge, brown...

But...but...but...

But...I am the Black Adder.

But...if you do it in front of everybody,

By a messenger with blackheads all over his face!

By dividing their forces into two!

By looking up the tree in Rutland.

By one of our leading thespianic troupes

By way of demon—stration?

Call her into the court.

Called "The Death Of The Scotsman".

Can I help ye?

Can you describe these foul deeds?

Can you say the Lord's Prayer?

Can you see that man there?

Can you see this son of Satan anywhere in this court?

Carrots don't grow on trees.

Carrots?

Certain letters, certain rather extraordinary letters

Chief Lunatic of Gloucester,

Chiswick, fresh horses! We ride at once to rebellious Stoke,

Chiswick, take this to the Queen of Naples.

Chiswick!

Christ!

Clearly having the time of their lives.

Come here.

Come on, come on, come on. Where is she?

Come on, hurry up.

Come on, Lochinvar!

Come on, Percy, let's get the King.

Come on, then.

Come on!

Come on! Come on! (The sheep bleat)

Come, let your tongue dive into the moat of my mouth,

Come. Mistress Scott is obviously in no state to help us today.

Coming.

Concerning the lineage of Prince Harry.

Confession!

Confession!

Consign their parts most private to a Rutland tree.

Consumed with passion, whisks away little Tully!

Copernicus, Goebbels,

Correct. One of those things is?

Countess Caroline of Luxembourg,

Crucifixes...

Curse. "Dear Enemy,

Curses are much the same. I got this for half an egg.

Curses, pardons, relics and selling the sexual favours of the nuns.

Damn, damn, damn, damn!

Damn, I knew 1d forgotten something.

Damn! I'm always doing this.

Damn! They must have gone down the secret passage to the nunnery.

Damnation! I won't have enough time to attend to the drains. Edmund!

Darling? Tch, tch, tch.

Dear Lord,

Dear Lord...this tragic, horrid, nasty

Dearly beloved,

Dearly beloved, we are gathered together

Decided upon the next archbishop.

Did I get it wrong? I haven't heard that word for 20 years.

Did I say, "Your money or your life"?

Did you want to go to battle today?

Died at last, has he?

Do we have to wait till summer?

Do you confess that on the 13th day of Norristide

Do you deny that you were seen

Do you have anything to say?

Do you wish to mock my size?

Do you, Edmund Plantaganet, take Maria...

Do you, Edmund, Duke of Edinburgh,

Does anyone know what happened?

Does not St. Paul say in The Ephesians,

Doing the Lord's work?

Don't apologise.

Don't be absurd!

Don't be absurd. Such activities are totally beyond my mother.

Don't be mistaken about this appointment.

Don't drink the wine!

Don't tell me. That Earl from Norfolk.

Don't worry, Harry. It will soon all be over.

Don't worry, we'll give you a hero's funeral.

Don't you believe it. There are some letters — they're hot stuff!

Duke of Edinburgh and Warden of the Royal Privy.

Duke of Edinburgh, and as Scottish as the Queen of England's tits!

During the religious festival.

Edmund is providing the entertainments.

Edmund the Unwilling swiftly adopted the ways of the cloth.

Edmund, I believe you have a pussy cat.

Edmund, the Archbishop of Canterbury

Edmund, the Duke of Edinburgh and Tully Applebottom.

Edmund, you always were a bit of a fibber.

Edmund, you shall be Regent until...your father returns.

Edmund!

Edmund!

Edmund! I had not expected to see you again.

Edmund?

Edmund.

Edmund's giving him a last look round the castle.

Edna! Fight you with us on the morrow?

Edward.

Eeegh!

Eeh—h!

Eek!

Egbert!

Either of the Beaufort twins should do.

Either that or he can't talk.

Enough, Sister Sara. I think he's learnt his lesson.

Enter!

Enter! If you're a woman,

Entertainment.

Equally weak—willed and feeble might do just as well.

Er, gentlemen, right. Well, as you know...

Er, hel...hello...

Er, I think I can explain. (Giggles weakly)

Er, Leia is young and beautiful, her eyes are like opals,

Er, Mrs.

Er, no, er, how do you do, young lady?

Er, no, My Lord, you're right.

Er, Smith. I called about the ducking—stool fund.

Er, Thomas, this is Father O'...

Er, w—w—w—well...

Er, warming up. But when it is hot, then we will strike.

Er...

Er... No, My Lord.

Er... Yes, that's right, a Greek look.

Er...I wouldn't know, really. I was nowhere near him at the time.

Er...or was that somebody else?

Er...yes, yes, that's right.

Er...yes...yes. Fine, fine, I'd be honoured!

Escape?

Espero que encuentre los deshagues a su satisfaction.

Even if it could be!

Ever devised by man. 40 effeminate blacksmiths

Every other woman in the court has bastards,

Every person there having an affair with the same duck.

Everyone's fighting,

Everything seems to be going very well, doesn't it?

Exactly.

Excellent!

Excellent! After all, it is St Leonard's Day —

Excellent. It's certainly my mother's handwriting.

Except perhaps he who oils my rack.

Except perhaps the Duke of Beaufort.

Except perhaps...

Excuse me, I'm sorry to dip my little fly in your ointment,

Exile?

Fair enough, My Lord.

Fair enough.

Fair enough.

Falling backwards onto the spire of Norwich Cathedral.

Far from being a fit consort for a prince of the realm,

Fascinating!

Fat chance!

Father! Harry! There's been a messy accident. You must come quickly!

Father...

Feel free.

Fighting in the dormitories is forbidden!

Fights he with us on the morrow?

Finally, you got two knights drunk

Fine. And secondly...

Fine. Someone cut my head off,

Fingers crossed!

First decent battle since I've reached puberty.

First I thought that you and I...

First, a motto for our enterprise.

First, get you looking right.

Flee!

Flee! Flee!

For a pretty hefty reward, perhaps letting us...

For Christ's sake, let's hear the plan!

For God's sake.

For humorous occasions.

For I'm yours, and yours alone.

For is this not the weather fair, or this the Ides of June?

For relieving himself in the pond.

For the Black Russian, shall we? It terrifies the clergy.

For the King!

Foreign business men, other nuns, yes.

Forgive me, sire. I will change my will

Four handred...hand.

Four hundred and fifty! That's three times more than myself!

Four hundred...hand fifty.

Frankly, what? Spit it out, you horrid, little, scabby reptile.

Fresh horses!

Friar Bellows! (Pop!)

Friar, I fear greatly for her chastity.

Gentlemen, gentlemen! Surely, we don't believe in this.

Gentlemen, let us slaughter the rest of the royal family.

Gentlemen, to what do I owe this pleasure?

Gentlemen!

Gentlemen! I must leave you.

Get her out of my sight at once!

Get out of here!

Get out!

Get your hands off!

Get your money together, get better and get out of my bed!

Girls!

Girls! Girls!

Go on, get out. Get, get out, out, out!

Go, sirrah, and meet thy doom!

Go!

God be with you, you snaggle—toothed vultures.

God bless you!

God forfend! We will pray for his safe passage.

God, this Scotsman's annoying me already.

Good evening...

Good Lord, I haven't seen you sitting down since...

Good Lord!

Good Lord!

Good Lord! Is it real?

Good Lord! Prince Harry, archbishop!

Good Lord. Oh, well, fair enough.

Good morning, Mr Key.

Good news. My diplomacy triumphs.

Good point. It has happened before.

Good, good. So be it.

Good, very good! Take your places.

Good! You won't let me down?

Good.

Good. Right.

Goodness, look, you're sitting down.

Goodness! It must be almost time for Evensong. Must go.

Gosh, you look well.

Grand Warden of the Eastern and Northern Marches,

Grant me fair Selkirk and the shire of Roxburgh.

Great, great. It's just what we needed.

Great, My Lord!

Great! What is it?

Grumbledook, your time has come! Do you wish to confess?

H'yah!

Ha—ha—ha...

Ha—ha!

Ha—ha!

Ha, ha, Harry, the gentle art of diplomacy.

Ha!

Ha! I should have known! Never trust a eunuch!

Ha! My Lord Archbishop!

Ha! There's no such man!

Ha! What's this? "The Death Of The Pharaoh.”

Had their heads cut off and cheese poured down their nostrils

Hardly a man at all!

Harry and another one.

Harry gets all the women.

Harry, call for silence!

Harry, I hereby name thee Captain of the Guard,

Harry, they were written by your mother...to your father.

Harry, who is that?

Harry?

Harry...

Has met with a most tragic accident.

Has that hooligan McAngus left?

Have our armies on the Rhine been slaughtered,

Have the Swiss and French made sudden peace at a mountain pass,

Have these people seen the Infanta's eyes?

Have you ever seen anyone so seething with jealousy?

Have you got transport?

Have you heard? Prince Edmund's going to marry the Infanta.

Have you made the necessary changes?

Have you or have you not committed sins of the flesh with him?

Haven't I seen you somewhere before?

He claims to be a wealthy man.

He doesn't look the slightest bit like me!

He is a master of disguise who appears only at night.

He knows too much!

He lives! (Cheering)

He may reward us!

He may think he can fool us, but we have ways of making him talk!

He rewrote history to portray his predecessor, Richard Ill,

He rushed towards the Archbishop, head bowed,

He swore he'd be back for St Leonard's — or die!

He was coming out of the Duke of Winchester's room.

He was facing half the Turkish army,

He was sitting with two drunken knights and yelled,

He wasn't as I expected.

He wasn't even wounded. Why, did someone say he was dead?

He who wins takes the horse.

He won't be anywhere near me, will he?

He writes here that he'll be back by St Leonard's Day.

He's a great admirer of yours as well.

He's Donald McAngus, third Duke of Argyll

He's gaining on me! He's gaining on me!

He's our son.

He's Scottish, you see.

Hebleebablub! Burn the witch!

Hell isn't as bad as it's cracked up to be.

Hell, the boy's turned out well.

Hell, where growths like turnips sprout out the nose...

Hell...

Hell...where the softest bits of your nether regions

Hello, Edmund.

Hello!

Hello!

Hello.

Help! Help! Oh, my God, help us!

Henry claimed he won the Battle of Bosworth Field,

Henry Tulip? Have you lost your conkers?

Henry, it's your decision.

Henry, you can't let him do this.

Her hair a cascade of perfect chestnut.

Her uncle told me.

Here comes the wife.

Here he comes now.

Here I am, awaiting the arrival of the beautiful, ravishing...

Here in the sight of Our Lord,

Here, by the banks of the graceful Nile

Here, who's that?

Here. Take it. It's all the money I have.

Here's why. If you'd been part of a secret committee

Hidden away — I'll show you later!

His flock that he was talking about.

His hair proves it!

His men will brutally ravish you and every woman in the castle.

History — here I come!

Hmm?

Hmm? Ch, no. I thought you meant your chances of going to heaven.

Hold it there.

Hold! You dare sit there, boy?

Hope life doesn't become too dull,

Horsey.

How could I ever forget!

How do we know it isn't a trap?

How do you prove him guilty?

How fast this heat travels!

How funny!

How is he?

How it's still going on, I'll never know.

How many have you got so far?

How many prisoners have you got, Harry?

How many sets of legs has that man got?

How much is that?

How much less violent?

How the devil did that happen?

How very kind of you to ask, Your Majesty.

How?

How?

How? By staying away?

How'd you like to be my squire in the battle tomorrow?

However, in view of your previous good background,

Huh?

Hup, hup...

Hurray!

Hurray!

Hurray!

Hurray!

Hurray!

Hurray!

Hurry up, anyway. You're expected at the banquet.

Huzzah!

I also have a plan.

I am already engaged.

I am disposed to be lenient.

I am Prince Edmund, son of Richard IV.

I am reliably informed, wouldn't be worth mentioning,

I am the Duke of Edinburgh.

I am to marry the Infanta of Spain.

I am. I thought they only came in boxes of ten.

I appoint to the Holy See of Canterbury

I beg your pardon?

I bet you think that sticking your finger up a sheep's bottom

I bring unbelievable news that must halt the wedding.

I call my last witness!

I can make things difficult for him.

I can sell my wardrobe, pride of my life.

I can understand that.

I can't imagine anything of any real interest there.

I can't imagine it was worse than they used to do to each other.

I can't say. It's a secret.

I can't understand it. Edmund doesn't even like religion.

I could say it backwards!

I could've given you one of mine.

I curse you and hope that something unpleasant happens to you,

I dare say, but then, round the corner came Sir Tavish Mortimer.

I do not think we need go into the attributes

I do, Baldrick.

I do, I do, I do!

I do.

I don't believe it.

I don't believe it. Who is this Witchsmeller Pursuivant, anyway?

I don't know how I'm going to break it to his catamite.

I don't know how I'm going to break it to his catamite.

I don't know, but Mistress Scott would.

I don't know. I feel that I've seen you before, also.

I don't think that's a good idea!

I don't think you know the Countess Caroline of Luxembourg.

I don't think you've met the Grand Duchess Ursula of Brandenburg.

I don't. But I'd like to know.

I doubt it! So you are dismissed!

I dunno, but that tall fellow, he had a face full of manure.

I dunno, My Lord.

I fear I may be very close.

I feel...as if 1 am...on fi—i—ire!

I found it very moving.

I give you...John Grumbledook!

I go along to the Infanta's room, and tell her you've gone mad.

I hadn't expected to see you...like this.

I have been a sinner,

I have coveted my father's adultery.

I have discharged the duties of Juniper!

I have erred and strayed like a lost ox.

I have here a true relic.

I have to go to my room, but in fact...

I have two functions — to protect the good...

I have two sons —

I have waited for this moment all of my life.

I have...at last...

I haven't had any power for years.

I haven't heard those words — a way out — for...ooh...

I haven't seen a eunuch yet.

I haven't seen your broomstick recently, Your Highness!

I hear you very kindly burnt our Mistress S—Scott for us.

I hope they've got the morris dancers — I love them.

I just can't take the pressure of all these omens any more!

I just heard from someone, er...

I just wondered whether another man

I know not, My Lord. I'll ask my son.

I know. Baldrick, give me an execution order.

I know. I'm rather regretting my choice of undergarments as well.

I like it not. Bring me other news.

I like not this news. Bring me some other news.

I like the cut of your jib, young fellow—me—lad.

I liked Bernard the rabbit—baiter.

I made him...out of my own teeth.

I made it — thanks to my trusty fruit knife.

I may have a plan to get you out of this marriage.

I mean just like the Earl of Doncaster.

I mean, I cannot understand a word they're saying.

I mean, I don't even know where he was killed.

I mean...not that you've borrowed it before.

I meant "Would the cat like some milk?"

I might have done. He likes carrots.

I miss the smell of blood in my nostrils.

I move that we do the only thing we can do

I must clear away the chaff from my life,

I need it to prove I killed a nobleman.

I never want to see a woman again.

I never went outside. The smell!

I only need her for a very short stint.

I place before the suspect a dagger and a crucifix.

I place my lands in the hands of the Church.

I pray to Heaven we fare well

I return at last after 15 years.

I said, "Out!" Get out!

I said, "Who will rid me of this turbulent priest?”

I say strike now while the iron is hot!

I say, "How are you, Mad Gerald?”

I say, "I'm completely mad, thank you.”

I see, and then get him to stick his head in it and blow it off.

I see. And what about it?

I see. Have you ever seen this stone?

I shall be King of E...

I shall claim the throne. (Pop!)

I shall do unto you what God did unto the Sodomites.

I shall handle the visiting royalty, of course,

I shall make myself available for all eventualities.

I shall.

I should like to confess in front of God

I shouldn't think so.

I suffer no similar disappointment.

I tell you, they cast a wee doubt over the parenthood of young Harry!

I tend to say, "Good morning, Mr Rat.

I thank God that never again shall I have to say,

I then name thee Archbishop of Canterbury

I think I have a better idea.

I think I might be able to stall him.

I think I might get a better view from the window.

I think I've fathomed out how it came about.

I think it's worth serious consideration.

I think Lord Coverdale saw me slaying...um...

I think you could say that.

I think you're the bastard, Edmund.

I think...not!

I thought he was very rude.

I thought Henry Tudor would be better looking.

I thought if we nurse him back to health, he may reward us.

I thought it was good. I'm hoping to squeeze in a banana by the end.

I thought it would be Henry Tulip.

I thought we all were.

I thought you meant had I killed King Richard.

I thought you might lose the privy!

I thought, though, perhaps, someone who believed in God...?

I told you to poison the Black Seal's goblets,

I told you, this pudding.

I want you scum back to the castle by sundown

I was on the opposite side of the field,

I was referring to the Duke of Winchester.

I was talking to him just now.

I wish he'd make up his mind.

I wish I could come with you, but being Archbishop...

I wish I owned one.

I wish I'd married one.

I wish to entwine him in my broad thighs.

I wonder if it was the wine...

I wondered if you could do me a little favour.

I wondered if you would help with the celebrations tonight.

I would hate to see you murdered before your investiture.

I...I'm hardly a rich man...

I'd be willing to satisfy your curiosity. Is that clear? Is it?

I'd have chosen Harry,

I'd kick the big—nosed bully out again!

I'd like a word about the speech at your wedding.

I'd never have believed my stag party would be like this.

I'd swear those were dog bites.

I'll die in there.

I'll have a crack at it. (Animal yelps)

I'LL kill the pair of you! I'll abolish the Church!

I'll muck out the lepers or something.

I'll read it. "1, Black Satin, confess

I'll remove whatever extraneous parts of their bodies still remain!

I'll say, "The Kingdom of Albion is ours!"

I'll see if I can sort out something.

I'll show him!

I'lL slit their gizzards.

I'll tell you later!

I'll tell you where.

I'm a very wealthy, um...

I'm administering extreme unction!

I'm afraid Father's feeling a bit under the weather.

I'm afraid that takes you out of the running

I'm burning!

I'm burning! I'm burning!

I'm delighted to meet you. I'm one of your greatest admirers.

I'm going for a fruit motif.

I'm going to have to...

I'm going to kill him — now!

I'm going to teach them a lesson.

I'm just trying to put names to faces.

I'm just trying to put names to faces.

I'm looking for some men to take over the kingdom.

I'm not a witch!

I'm not even comfortable.

I'm not Harry, I'm Richard.

I'm not in your way over here, am 17

I'm not so sure we're needed, Baldrick.

I'm not sure I caught the first part.

I'm not sure, but they've had good reviews.

I'm not.

I'm sorry — you're in my chair.

I'm talking of Unspeakably Violent Jack,

I'm the Duke of Edinburgh!

I'm tired and weary. You may leave.

I'm told the Duchess of Gloucester has given birth to goblins.

I'm very well.

I've a pretty shrewd idea myself.

I've already done it, My Lord!

I've always despised you.

I've changed my mind. What am I going to do?

I've decided to ally to a nation most threatening to France.

I've got a couple more things.

I've heard it. Will you go away?

I've jotted it down. Should help break the ice with the Infanta.

I've just proved that I'm a man. Look what I've found!

I've told you a thousand times,

I've won the battle and saved the kingdom. I can find myself a horse.

I=1"'m terribly sorry about this. I'll just see what the delay is.

If 1 could get my hands on that bastard Harry!

If 1 did, I wouldn't take you! Look at you!

If 1 haven't got a son to marry her, the whole plan falls apart.

If a woman wants to talk to me, warn her.

If guilty, the axe will bounce off his neck, so we burn him.

If he goes on like that, he'll turn into a seethe.

If he is a wealthy man and we nurse him back to health,

If he picks up the dagger, he is Satan's bedfellow.

If he's got sense, he'll ask for a haircut.

If it got up and gave you a haircut,

If it's about the nuns at Uppingham and the candelabra, I've heard it.

If not guilty, it'll slice his head off!

If only he were a bastard, My Lord,

If only he were, My Lord.

If the devil likes carrots, why isn't it mentioned in the Bible?

If these men are indeed as they seem,

If this witchsmeller burnt Mistress Scott...

If you beat me and tied me to that tree,

If you can keep up, you can come. Hah!

If YOU Cross me NOW...or ever...

If you do happen to come across someone who's a bit witchy,

If you don't leave me alone, I'LL kill you.

If you leave me, I'll die.

If you like, who dies at the end of the play.

If you played your cards right, you could become king.

If you put on a floppy hat and a furry codpiece,

If you see the hills, run the other way!

If you would take her while I'm gone.

Imagine that!

Immediately, My Lord.

In 24 hours, I'll be married to a walrus.

In bed he likes hot milk with just a little of cinnamon.

In bed, yes. Well...

In case she notices her own breasts.

In Cornwall, a man with four heads was seen taking tea on the beach!

In Edinburgh, the graves did open

In fact, I've been hearing about your work in Taunton.

In his days in the carpentry shop.

In life, each man gets what he deserves!

In order to receive his blessing...

In particular Richard, Duke of York,

In precisely one minute,

In sympathy for his son.

In the Great Hall and in the bladder.

In the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost, amen.

In which the beef of victory was mixed

In...here!

Indulge, albeit I accept, in all innocence,

Infanta!

Instead of saying "oink, oink",

Is for people who like the other sorts of things —

Is it the Russian royal family,

Is it time to put the light out?

Is precisely nine months...

Is she the best you could do? I mean, I am marrying her.

Is slightly less blue than something else you have never seen.

Is that supposed to be witty?

Is this true?

Is to get some proper justice meted out against this Scottish turd

It bears the ring of truth and I must therefore tell you

It cost me 31 pieces of silver

It could've been worse, My Lord.

It had better be funny, or Prick gets his comeuppance!

It is a bone from the finger of Our Lord.

It is so, My Lord.

It is, My Lord. Baldrick, you stand amazed.

It is! In the appendix to the Apocrypha —

It must be at least six o'clock.

It shall be proved by mine enemies

It was a "nay", My Lord, but I don't believe a word of it.

It was him!

It was Jane Smart —

It was last Thursday.

It was Richard, Duke of York, who became king after Bosworth Field

It was the river. But I wouldn't know, because I wasn't there.

It was? Blimey!

It will be a great day for we nobles.

It...will...not...do!

It'd be more amusing if you found out yourself.

It'll be years before I get back to shovelling dung.

It's almost as if they were married already.

It's almost as if you were married already.

It's an ancient Egyptian piece

It's early, but I'd like to sort out these battle averages.

It's eleven o'clock!

It's not a brain—teaser, Percy.

It's not a sheep, is it?

It's not fair, you know.

It's not Greek.

It's only for a couple of days, isn't it?

It's Spanish for "Welcome to our castle,

It's the lying I find so hurtful.

It's the old times again, McAngus.

It's the rest of your body I wish to find out more about.

It's true, My Lord. I stumbled on his body.

It's very difficult to sleep with that kind of thing going on.

It's working, it's working!

Jerry Merryweather and his four chickens?

Jerry Merryweather.

Jesus's nose... St Peter's nose...

Join us. You must be starving.

Just imagine what the Spanish Infanta must be like.

Just need to d**** something effeminate around your shoulders.

Just say “Stop”.

Just the two of us.

Justin de Boinod.

Kill him!

Known to his enemies as...

Known to my enemies as...

Known to you as the Great Grumbledook?

Ladies and gentlemen, we all know

Laird of Roxburgh, Selkirk and Peebles.

Large. Jack Large!

Leave me alone, I'm trying to talk to someone.

Leaving out morris dancers or the bearded women!

Leaving us without friends in Europe,

Let "Blood, blood, blood” be your motto!

Let me explain. What's that for?

Let me say just one last thing.

Let me see!

Let me see. Perhaps good King Richard,

Let there be joy and celebration.

Let your hands take possession of the ramparts of my plumpies.

Let's get those meek bastards now! (Cheers)

Let's go over the facts again.

Let's see the Black Adder wriggle out of this one!

Let's start with pardons.

Let's try to sort this out in words of one syllable, shall we?

Letters?

Letters? What is so extraordinary about them?

Letters? What letters?

Like an onion falling on your head.”

Like singing, talking to God, watering pot plants.

Like the Earl of Doncaster?

Little boy with big job to do.

Long live the King. The King is...

Look at the two lovebirds.

Look more like dog bites to me.

Look, Edmund, is this announcement going to take long?

Look, there's no news of a reprieve, is there?

Look, this may seem a stupid question...

Look, um...Mother, er...

Look, what's going on?

Look, you two, you wouldn't perhaps consider,

Looks like the kind of pair who would kill the Archbishop.

Lord Edmund is going to try to make himself, er,

Lord Percy will defend His Royal Highness.

Lord Po—maker in Ordinary, and Harbinger of the Doomed Rat!

Lord Warden of the Privy!

Lords and ladies of England, this court's summoned to adjudge

Love! Death! War!

Luxembourg! Ha!

Made o'ercast winter by these Tudor clowns.

Make her think you prefer the company of men.

Marquis of the Midlands,

Marriage is an holy state, conceived by God.

May good thrive!

May he last longer in his post than his predecessors.

May he treat me like the piece of refuse that I am

May his name last as long as our dynasty!

May your filthy soul be prepared for Hell, my son.

McAngus greets you and lays at your feet the spoils of war.

McAngus, as reward for your deeds in battle,

McAngus!

McAngus?

Me neither. I was on the other side of town when we burned her.

Me, too! (Crowd cheers)

Me? Why?

Meaning who?

Meet your murderers.

Members of the court and, er...clergy,

Might get out a couple of prisoners...

Mine's quite cunning.

Mistaken for bison, due to excessive winter clothing,

Mm, mm, mm, mm...

Mmm, it's got a bit of a sting in its tail!

Mmm!

Mmm. Once you're dead, you'll have the time of your life.

Mmm... Not really, no.

Monks!

Mooing and suckling a young heifer!

More like that man who rode by before.

Morning, Doncaster.

Morning, my love!

Morris dancing is the most fatuous entertainment

Mortimer was wearing a Turkish helmet.

Mother, for Chrissakes, what do you want?

Mother, Henry is our enemy.

Mother, I beg of you, use whatever power you have to help me.

Mother, would you like to...?

Mother!

Mother?

Moving on to relics, we've got shrouds from Turin,

Mr Applebottom, I was wondering

Mr Applebottom.

Mr Rat!

Mrs.

Mummy, Mummy, how much I love him.

Murder, adultery, dismemberment of a friend or relative.

Must be Jeremy of Estonia.

My arms will end up in Essex, my torso in Norfolk,

My beloved father, certain letters have come to light

My collection of antique cod—pieces,

My collection of pokers,

My companion in blood and most trusted friend!

My dear mother, my dear brother, lords and ladies of the Court.

My father had to tell her it was a cure for diarrhoea.

My father here empowers me to grant you anything you may desire of me.

My God, of course, you're right.

My God! A retired morris dancer! That's all I need!

My grendle—stretchers, my ornamental pomfreys

My horse must be worth 1,000 ducats.

My kingdom for a horse.

My Liege...

My life is hanging by a thread!

My Lord,

My Lord, good news. The Swiss have invaded France.

My Lord, I bring a message.

My Lord, I bring a message. You are...

My Lord, I call my first witness!

My Lord, I come with tragic news.

My Lord, I had an idea how to get out of this.

My Lord, I have a cunning plan.

My Lord, I've something to tell you.

My Lord, if we're to catch the boat for France, you'll have to hurry.

My Lord, news.

My Lord, news. Lord Wessex is dead.

My Lord, news. The King of France sends his greetings.

My Lord, unhappily the horse, Blessed Satin the Confessor,

My Lord, wouldn't something like The Black Adder sound better?

My Lord, you have a horse called Black Satin?

My Lord, you have three proofs of witchcraft.

My Lord!

My Lord!

My Lord! My Lord! Aa—ii—ee!

My Lord...

My Lords, the Duke of Edinburgh.

My Lords...

My love, my love.

My love, save me.

My own son...

My servants I can live without —

My swords, my curtains, my socks and my fighting cocks.

My wife would like you to come for dinner tonight.

My wigs for private occasions, and...

My wigs for state occasions,

N—N No! Of course not. Um, innkeeper!

N—No. No, not really.

Need I say? Jack!

Never fear, my son.

Never mind!

Never mind. Get on with it, Father, come on.

Never more may you be Archbishop of Canterbury!

Never!

Next you'll be telling me

Nnngaaargh!

No offence.

No one knows any impediment why they may not be joined in holy matrimony.

No one knows, My Lord. No one.

No one would marry the Earl of Doncaster.

No one would...

No one! Ch, dear. I'L put you down for a duck, then.

No one.

No—one's heard of him for years.

No, a dog, a dog, a bloody great dog!

No, about the Duke of Winchester.

No, b—but Father's sick! You must do something, otherwise...

No, Baldrick. It was a woman.

No, because we've seen through it. They obviously thought it was...

No, dear. He won't let me near him.

No, fine, fine. Could have happened to anyone. Never mind, never mind.

No, he damn well isn't. Anyone who says I am, gets it. Do you hear me?

No, he mustn't, he mustn't! He has vital information.

No, he'll be amongst the rabble.

No, I don't think so, Sara.

No, I mean a messenger with black...hair.

No, I suppose I wouldn't.

No, I think I have a plan which will give us a little more...

No, I was thinking of something else.

No, I won't bother, My Lord.

No, I'm a bowl of soup.

No, I'm going to stand here all day.

No, I'm the Archbishop of Canterbury.

No, if I needed someone who believed in God,

No, it took me years to get that job.

No, My Lady? But think, he will come to your chamber

No, My Lord, I mean...

No, My Lord.

No, no, no, I'm really looking forward to it already.

No, no, no, no, no, no!

No, no, no, no, no!

No, no, no, no.

No, no, no, sorry, that should be...

No, no, we don't. No, we don't.

No, no! (Hacking cough)

No, no.

No, no. Harry and I are off to Canterbury, aren't we, Harry?

No, not away from the castle, towards it!

No, not even him.

No, obviously not.

No, of course not. Silly me!

No, sorry.

No, that tall fellow with no ears.

No, the husband of the bride.

No, there's two men outside who've come to kill you.

No, wait.

No, what it needs is a damn good thrashing!

No, you act normal, I'm the Earl of Doncaster.

No, you bastard!

No, you mustn't be rude about Mr Rat. He's my best friend.

No, you treacherous swine! I'LL kill you!

No, you're all right — it's England.

No!

No!

No! I don't!

No! I rip them up,

No! Only this morning I saw a horse with two heads and two bodies!

No! Spare me the little forks!

No! That won't do at all! Not on St Leonard's Day.

No! That'll be the Earl of Doncaster.

No?

No.

No.

No.

No.

No. Dead men don't tend to make social calls!

No. Everyone's looking forward to it. Hello, boys.

No. I mean it sounds like Greek.

No. I'll have Roxburgh and Selkirk.

No. No, not tonight, Sara.

No. No. No. No. No. No.

No. Not as such, My Lord.

No. Seems perfectly all right to me.

No...

Noble Prince of Wales,

Normally used for butting enemies and killing them stone dead.

Not an embarrassing weed like you.

Not bad,

Not being able to pass laws over Scotland.

Not honoured my neighbour's ass.

Not if we lose, Percy. If we lose, I'll be chopped to pieces.

Not like Mr Rat.

Not Mad Bully—boy Jack, grave—robbing assassin of Aldwych?

Not so fast, Edinburgh!

Not so well.

Not sure. I think it's Black Death,

Not that you've seen much of me anyway.

Not the whole vat!

Not yet, and even if he did arrive...

Now is the summer of our sweet content,

Now smaller! Small, small...

Now that we have silence, we shall continue the desecration ceremony.

Now we know each other, I have an announcement.

Now we've found out about the rats, we'll never have plague again.

Now, Edmund, what he like?

Now, I'm afraid there's going to have to be

Now, let me pass.

Now, look. We are not that desperate.

Now, Satin, just relax, you're amongst friends. Good.

Now, tell me in your own words, did you, Satin,

Now, then, Mother. A toast to Father's return.

Now, wait! I think I have an idea.

Now, wait! Wait! Wait!

Now, what we need is a real bastard!

Now!

Nowhere near the cottage... Not that it was the cottage.

Of course!

Of making a bit of money on this job.

Of the codling grinder!

Of your faithful servant, Dougal McAngus

Officially, you've still got to be a virgin.

Oh—oh—oh no.

Oh, all right, let's hear what's so damn cunning!

Oh, all right.

Oh, Bath...and Wells!

Oh, brilliantly cunning. I ask him to come, then stab him, perhaps?

Oh, Christ!

Oh, cough off, Baldrick!

Oh, damn!

Oh, damn!

Oh, damn...

Oh, dear, Richard III.

Oh, dear!

Oh, dear.

Oh, dear.

Oh, dear. Any idea what?

Oh, dear. That's really upset the tulip cart.

Oh, Edmund.

Oh, fair enough. How about next Thursday, then?

Oh, fine. Mind you, I had a bit of trouble to start with,

Oh, God save us!

Oh, God! I'll get my plunger!

Oh, God.

Oh, good! Harry here will accompany you.

Oh, goodness, no. I thought I'd fight with the enemy.

Oh, great.

Oh, I see.

Oh, I see.

Oh, I see. Er, right... Er... Let's see.

Oh, I see. You've changed your plan.

Oh, just because they've a bit of class, you assume they're killers!

Oh, Lord, you do work in mysterious ways.

Oh, may I be cursed for it!

Oh, McAngus! It fills me with joy and hope to see you.

Oh, my God, it's Uncle Richard.

Oh, my God, there's no way out!

Oh, my God, this is impossible. I can't do this.

Oh, my God, this is it!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! It's the Archbishop of Canterbury!

Oh, my God! Philip of Burgundy!

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. They're here already. Run for your lives!

Oh, My Lord, My Lord! Wake up, wake up..

Oh, My Lord, you flatter me!

Oh, no — the King has done it again.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no!

Oh, no!

Oh, no! I'm doomed!

Oh, no. They're Joan of Arc's.

Oh, one of those with a two—feet spike.

Oh, pardon me, thou bleeding piece of earth!

Oh, Percy, what am I going to do?

Oh, really? How did you get to know so much about carrots?

Oh, right, yes.

Oh, sorry, that's my overnight bag.

Oh, thank God. Put it down and let's get out of here!

Oh, that'll be Prince Edmund.

Oh, there is just one thing.

Oh, very well. Chiswick! Fresh horse!

Oh, well done.

Oh, well, I think that's everything cleared up.

Oh, well, they spend most of their time with animals, you know.

Oh, well, yes, maybe you're right.

Oh, well. I shan't bother to change, then.

Oh, what a love, that you dress like a Spanish man to delight me.

Oh, yes — and the amazing beardless woman. What a line—up!

Oh, yes, and what is it? A cow?

Oh, yes, and your mummy asked me to give you this.

Oh, yes, me. Yes. Hello!

Oh, yes, Mother Superior. Good idea!

Oh, yes, of course... Enid.

Oh, yes, that's it.

Oh, yes, very fetching.

Oh, yes!

Oh, yes!

Oh, yes! The feast!

Oh, yes.

Oh, yes. No—one can stop me now!

Oh, yes. Sorry, Harry. You're improving.

Oh, yes. That's right.

Oh, yes...and her pussy cat.

Oh, Your Grace, I have left all my lands to the Church.

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh! And of course, the other thing!

Oh! Get the kindling ready. Make sure that stake is well done!

Oh! Nothing, nothing.

Oh! Old Big Nose is back, is he?

Oh! That was the Duke of Edinburgh, you know!

Oh! Well done, Baldrick.

Oh.

Oh. Ow! Ow!

Oh...hello.

Oi! That's my horse!

On a mission to wreak vengeance on him.

On certain nights last Garethstide,

On Ralph the Liar's Day!

On the feast of Saint Jacob the Turgid

Once appointed Archbishop,

Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more.

One lovebird and one love—elephant.

One of the bishop fellows, I imagine.

One, two, three! One, two, three!

Only in the event of a tie. So, how many did you kill?

Only one of you has to be a virgin.

Or “realise”! I'd forgotten!

Or else we might still stand a chance.

Or I'll eat her. Argh!

Or that your father has very small private parts?

Or to give it its full name — Beelzebubbles!

Or took an ear off. Yes, in fact, I think he was only wounded.

Or you'll be slaughtered! Onward!

Or, as I shall be known from now on...

Osmond, meet your new wife.

Out of my way!

Ow!

Ow.

Pardon, My Lord.

Particularly the very religious ones.

Peace! The word of the Lord!

Peasants! There were a lot of peasants.

Percy, I shall require splendid garments for the ceremony.

Percy, there must be someone else!

Percy, what are we up to today?

Percy, you are as much use to me as a hole in the head.

Percy, you are dismissed from my services.

Percy, you brainless son of a prostitute, where've you been?

Percy, you see how the King picks me out for special greeting?

Percy, you were saying?

Percy, you'd better go get Bernard the bear—baiter.

Percy!

Percy...

Percy...have you ever wondered what your insides look like?

Perfect.

Perhaps you'd like to borrow my horse again.

Philip of Burgundy...

Pipe racks, coffee tables, cake stands, book ends...

Pity the blind, kind sir.

Pity the blind, sir.

Pleasant...Pedant. P...Peas...

Please help me now.

Please help me,

Please, My Lord, I beg you to reconsider.

Please, tell me what your plan is.

Plucked too soon.

Practise what?

Pray, Sister, have you seen two burly knights pass this way?

Precisely!

Preferably their top halves from their bottom halves!

Prepare to be strung by your codlings and bound on that tree.

Prepare to be thrown out of the window.

Prepare to die!

Presentation, My Lord.

Presumably you won't be needing the unicorn tonight?

Prince Edmund is in charge!

Prince Edmund, are you a Christian?

Prince Edmund, Duke of Edinburgh.

Prince Edmund, this is Thomas.

Prince Harry, archbishop, My Lord?

Prince...

Princess Leia of Hungary, Grand Duchess Ursula of Brandenburg,

Produce the portrait of the pretender, Henry Tudor.

Put those down, Percy.

Question, yes.

Quick! In here!

Quick! The nunnery's on fire!

Quick.

Quickly! McAngus is going to die!

Quiet!

Quite brilliant, I must say!

Quite. And nearly as tragic as poor Archbishop Wilfred

Really?

Really?

Really?

Really?

Remember to go before they don armour tomorrow!

Remind me to send flowers to the King of France,

Right, come on, you... Where are you going?

Right, let's get down to business.

Right, let's go.

Right, My Lord.

Right, My Lord.

Right, now that's sorted out.

Right, now, Percy,

Right! And the other is fornication.

Right.

Right.

Right. Now, go on, in you go.

Rumour has it, My Lord, the King wants to choose Prince Harry.

Rumpy—pumpy!

Rushing to the water closet in terror.

Saint Ralph the Liar.

Satin, you're not replying. He's not replying.

Scottish orang—utan wants a eunuch, does he?

Sean, the Irish bastard!

Sean! (Pop!)

See your mother there?

Selling? Some people actually pay for them?

Send for the greatest lawyers in the land and they could save you.

Send for the Witchsmeller Pursuivant.

Senior Archdeacon, entrail—eating heretic of Bath and Wells?

Shall think themselves acursed they were not here.

Shall we check the dormitory?

She comes to the door and you meet her disguised

She was very attractive.

She's seen me on a coin.

She's so pure, she daren't look down,

Shut up!

Shut up!

Shut up! And you can keep quiet — I've had enough of you.

Shut up! Get on with it!

Shut up. I never want to hear women mentioned in my company again.

Signed by an apprentice curate.

Silence for the Prince of Wales!

Silence, silence for the King!

Silence!

Silence!

Silence! I want an explanation!

Sir Wilfred Death.

Sisters, three men came in. Which way did they go?

Six large beers...

Slaaay!

Slit their gizzards!

So be it.

So be it.

So farewell, Edna. You'll be seeing me later.

So good, in fact,

So he won't be around now. Let me tell you something.

So I suppose now you want to ravish me.

So many, in fact, that I'm afraid I've had to let the eunuchs go.

So no hint of their filthy slander can remain!

So presumably he'd “forgotten” he was wearing it?

So sorry I'm late.

So there's not much point in asking you your score, is there?

So when I've at last found a use for you,

So will Edmund. They've become firm friends.

So you had to make do with milk!

So you'll need a horse—tender?

So you've kept yourself busy?

So, Edna, you loathsome little fairy maggot, how are you?

So, Percy, if you'd start...

So, we are agreed —

So, what does this witchsmeller man look like?

So, who shall be our seventh, Wilfred?

So! Some carrot—faced, thistle—arsed

So... So is it the Witchsmeller Pursuivant who burnt her?

So...do you want them, or not?

Some that seem good sometimes proveth to be evil.

Some, er, lark for the stag party, what?

Someone like you go to Hell? Never! Never!

Sometimes, My Lord, yes.

Soon we'll have Spain in our grip.

Sooner, maybe. Your father just charged into Constantinople

Sorry I'm late.

Sorry, I didn't quite catch your names.

Sorry, run away from the hills! Run away from the hills!

Sorry, what can I do? Politics.

Sorry?

Sorry?

Sorry.

Sorry. Edgar! How are you?

Sorry. Sorry, yes. Yes, I do, in fact.

Sort of nowish.

Speak up! Can't hear a thing here.

Speaking to little Bubbles?

Splendid!

Splendid! Splendid! (Bleating)

Splendid. How are the rest coming along?

Ssh!

Ssh!

Ssh!

St Francis's nose...

St Juniper once said, "By his loins shall ye know him,

St Leonard himself was an eunuch.

Step forward, Edmund, Duke of Edinburgh.

Step forward, Harry, Prince of Wales.

Step forward, the other one!

Still can't hear!

Still, there's the St Leonard's Day celebrations to look forward to —

Stinker Watts!

Stop!

Stop! Let us relieve these wenches of their delightful burden,

Stop! Stop! Where are you going?

Stop! Where are you going?

Struck with large sticks against your tender portions...

Stupid peasant, all I want to do is marry your wife.

Stupid person, hurry up,

Suppose my right hand offends me and I cut it off,

Tactful.

Take Clever Tom's advice

Tall trees! Let's see those branches waving.

Taller, taller.

Tell everyone that the entertainments have been cancelled.

Tell him to bring a bear this time.

Tell me, exactly what did God do to the Sodomites?

Tell me, Jack, what is your second name?

Tell me, Mrs Queen, about English men.

Tell Osmond that to strengthen ties with Spain, he marries tomorrow.

Tell them I have a very important announcement to make.

Th—that was an example of the sort of thing

Than the famous Stone of Galveston.

Thank you so much.

Thank you so much.

Thank you so very much.

Thank you very much for nothing. Thank you so much.

Thank you, Baldrick.

Thank you, Harry!

Thank you, Harry.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thanks, Ned. See you Thursday.

That carrots are the devil's favourite food!

That concludes the defence case. Thank you, Lord Percy.

That great radish,

That I have occasionally done things wrong.

That I have written to all Popes recommending your excommunication.

That is why he must die!

That leaves Peebles!

That one!

That one!

That pair!

That should hold her up for at least a minute.

That sounds all right.

That steaming great left—footer.

That was a long time ago.

That was lovely, Edmund. What a happy story.

That was to have been a witness today...

That washing your hair in bats' droppings stops you going bald!

That you yourself would not stoop to.

That's a good one.

That's enough of that.

That's exactly what the poor fellow had done.

That's him.

That's impossible. He's the Archbishop of Canterbury!

That's me.

That's not enough!

That's the bottom end of the market.

That's the last you'll see of me.

That's the third this year! How did this one die?

That's the words I know. I say them every day.

That's true. Hurry up, Father.

That's what I call style!

That's what I thought you said. Oh!

That's why he took 500 off the dowry.

The answer of course is, Chiswick, Spain!

The Archbishop of Canterbury, My Lord.

The Archbishop of Canterbury, of course!

The Archbishop of Canterbury?

The Archbishop of York

The bagpipe strums. Behold!

The bastard!

The bastard.

The best way to cement an alliance is marriage.

The Black Adder is a venomous reptile

The Black Adder is a venomous reptile...

The Black Dagger!

The Black Seal shall rule England.

The Black Vegetable.

The bull buggering beast—killer of no fixed abode.

The castle of my body is yours, by right of conquest.

The cat! Lovely! But she lives in the village!

The cattle—rustling cannibal from Sutton Coldfield?

The church's never going to progress if it isn't a bit adaptable.

The drains!

The Duck of Taunton was a tragic circumstance.

The Duke of Edinburgh,

The Earl of Doncaster has been riding side saddle since he was 17.

The eunuchs!

The famous Stone of Galveston, My Lord.

The father of the bride!

The flags are just a cunning trick to deceive us.

The frolics?

The Gay Dog of the Glens.

The hair gives him away!

The Hawk.

The history of The Black Adder.

The idiot who killed me.

The improvising last year was pathetic.

The irresistible texture of the hessian underthings!

The jesters, the jugglers...

The Jumping **** of Jerusalem!

The King has stirred and calls for you.

The King is dead. Long live the King.

The King's hired killer?

The knives are real. McAngus will die.

The length of my rod is a mystery to all but the Queen

The man—hatin' goat—murderer of Dingle Bay?

The maximum penalty the law allows is that you be burned to death.

The miracle with the fishes, for example!

The most depressing night of my life.

The most heinous of all crimes — witchcraft!

The old crone with the cat!

The one I specifically told you not to bring back to the castle?

The one who told me about the chocolate chastity belt.

The only change is if you could go and put your face in some manure

The reason I have gathered you all here today

The shears will cut off your ears!

The six most evil men in the land...

The slimy one. What's his name?

The Spanish Infanta has arrived.

The Spanish Infanta is not a virgin.

The spike will go up your nethers. (Cheering)

The suspected witch has his head placed upon a block

The sweetest rose too often is...

The Swiss are always cowards. (Drums beat)

The thing about Heaven is that Heaven is for people

The verdict is that the accused are found guilty of witchcraft.

The what?

The woman's insatiable.

The year my brother was born.

The, er, cat, My Lord.

The, er, intimate company of men?

Then forged a clandestine alliance with Spain,

Then I must renounce the regency and hie me to a monastery.

Then I shall call you...Baldrick.

Then in our band, you shall be known as Large Jack!

Then it probably is.

Then let shine forth the true wheat of greatness!

Then this must be Hell. Alas! Spare my posterior!

Then what?

Then yer man Saint Jack O'Hooligan,

Then you forced the Bishop of Ramsgate

Then you would be regent now.

Then, I shall take you to the castle

Then, Lord Graveney, you will assuredly go to Hell.

Then?

Then...

There is our mark. You shoot first.

There may not be much acting required.

There must be something else, surely.

There shouldn't be much acting required.

There wasn't any blood!

There were just a couple of points about my appointment,

There you are! Splendid news, Edmund! Father's coming home!

There.

There. That'll teach you!

There's a groat for you.

There's him and there's Mr Key.

There's meant to be some entertainment!

There's the eunuchs.

Therefore I've decided that you shall marry the Spanish Infanta!

Therefore, I sentence you to be burned alive!

These axes will chop off your hands.

These feathers here will tickle you under what's left of your arms.

These feathers here will tickle you under what's left of your arms.

These letters are dated November and December 1460,

These letters are intimate. Let me give you an example.

These men must burn!

They are not dog bites!

They are! Your last sentence, please?

They call me Clever Jake,

They come in, My Lord, and they jump.

They don't call him Clever Jake for nothing, you know.

They don't call me Clever Pete at all.

They don't call me Clever Pete for nothing.

They go to Canterbury.

They only want one thing.

They run from a pardon for talking with your mouth full

They run to this one for four ducats.

They say that a rat a day keeps the plague away.

They say that the Infanta's eyes are more beautiful

They should've chosen you?

They speak Greek?

They speak of acts of love between your wife and Donald,

They tend to go for religious types.

They went off and killed him, of course!

They won't. That's the point.

They're love bites, actually.

They've dropped off!

They've made an odd choice for their leader,

Thing is, we were hoping to present a mystery play

This day has been, as t'were, a mighty stew,

This Hawk — did he look something like...this?

This is a beautiful royal princess.

This is desperate!

This is from Robert Wyatt in Somerset.

This is most unusual.

This is my husband, Thomas.

This is no ordinary woman, Percy.

This is remarkable, Edmund! Oh, and the Bishop of Bath and Wells...

This is the cunning part...

This is the Sacred Appendage Compendium Party Pack.

This is the source of evil in your kingdom.

This is your witch! Lucifer's brother!

This must be one of the most difficult parts of the job.

This shilly—shallying is so undignified.

This way our victim comes. For never...

This way, My Lord.

Thomas, this is my fiancé, the Duke of Edinburgh.

Those long rods you r—ram...

Those two men have come to kill us!

Three cheers for good King Richard. Hup, hup...

Three Turks and the human kebab!

Three—fingered Pete!

Thy titles have been but few —

To bear witness, at very short notice.

To C—Canterbury.

To chastise and to beat until death...

To cherish and to delight,

To die!

To France?

To have a little talk about ladies' things.

To invite the Witchsmeller Pursuivant,

To kill the royal family

To leave out the eunuchs on St Leonard's Day would be like...

To me, Burgundy!

To me, of course!

To pass away the idle hours till your recovery...

To remove this curse from the kingdom.

To spill the blood of this Scotsman vile.

To whom would you leave your lands?

To witness the marriage of two God—fearing Christians.

Today has brought misfortune.

Today there came into my possession from the hands, My Lord,

Tomorrow I shall not be so meek. (Chortles)

Tonight I ride for home.

Tonight, honoured friends,

Traditional St Leonard's Day entertainments.

Tragic!

True, My Lord. I'll see you at the castle.

True. The land is full of omens of bewitchment!

Trying to say something?

Tutankhamen McPherson, you come not a whit too soon,

Twelve months of chasing sheep

Two drunken knights fresh from the Crusades

Two horses standing next to each other?

Two pebbles. All the way up to this one,

Typical!

Uh huh?

Uh, uh, uh, aaaagh! (Falls to the ground)

Um, are you off to France, Percy?

Um, no. No, I'm fine, thank you.

Um, well, let's take Hell

Um, yes.

Um, you know, the Church doesn't really need your lands.

Um...

Um... Er... Now, let me see. Er...

Um... Er... Well... How was your battle?

Um... Have, er...

Um... No.

Um... Well, frankly, everyone thought you were dead.

Um... Well...

Um... Yes, it is.

Um...actually you have crushed both eggs, you know?

Um...I think it's going to have a slightly...spartan look.

Um...I'lL give you everything I own. Everything!

Um...yeah, that's lovely, yeah. About half eight?

Um...yes, all right.

Um...yes!

Unable to resist the slide into depravity,

Uncle Harry was going to burn Edmund alive...

Unless he's Turkish, in which case, kill the bastard!

Unless we make an immediate pact with Hungary?

Until one day...

Upon the man who slew Richard, our noble king!

Urgh—h!

Urgh—h!

Urgh! Edmund! I thought you your brother.

Use both hands. Very good, very good!

Used all night, like the outside of a sausage roll.

Very good. Let me explain further.

Very well.

Very well. I'll leave my lands to the Crown

Very well. Let the killing begin!

Very well. The plan is simple.

Very, very well indeed.

Viceroy of Wales, Sheriff of Nottingham,

Wait a minute.

Wait a moment, My Lord! I have a cunning plan that cannot fail.

Wait a moment, My Lord.

Wait! I have a more...amusing method.

Wait! Let's just take this through in stages, shall we?

Wait! They'll be watching out for us dressed like this.

Waiting, nurturing my hatred and planning my revenge.

Wake up!

Wants you to join his formation Italian dance class.

Was it only yesterday? Good Lord.

Was that a yea or a nay?

Watch!

Waving a cloth they've wiped their noses on!

We are gathered here today.

We are gathered to celebrate a great victory

We are gathered, Gracious Lord,

We band of ruthless bastards!

We bear good news.

We can celebrate both events together.

We can massacre both the Swiss and the French.

We could have the morris dancers, My Lord.

We could if we wanted to.

We could try and strike up a conversation.

We don't want someone with a grudge infecting you.

We face today the gravest crisis this country has known

We few! We happy few!

We just need King Richard here and the day shall be complete!

We might... So it wasn't a woman?

We relieve thee of thy heavy task,

We thank thee, Egbert, for thy work in Edinburgh.

We three are gathered with most bold intent...

We want your word, not this Black Adder fellow's!

We were deadly childhood rivals.

We won! Victory! (All cheer)

We'll continue.

We'll have them. (Knock at door)

We'll slit it right up here!

We're all terribly pleased you're back, Father.

We're here to kill...

We're pretty sure she's a virgin.

We're safe and I am a prince of the realm.

We've got the thumbscrews, the foot—crusher, the nose—hooks,

We've only one act, and she's shaved her beard off.

Well done, Harry! (Knock)

Well, because Large Jack is more amusing.

Well, come on. Let's go and kill some more prisoners. Hup, hup...

Well, come on. Let's go. We've got work to do.

Well, Edmund.

Well, frankly, I am.

Well, get them to dress up as Germans, will you?

Well, good luck. Er, bienvenue a notre chateau, Caroline...

Well, he's up.

Well, I don't know. Some people might say,

Well, I suppose this is what comes of being a witch.

Well, I thought it might be more tactful...

Well, I warn ye...

Well, I'd better be going.

Well, I'm relying on you, Edmund. Carry on!

Well, I'm sure I can pop my head around the door.

Well, Ill just go and get him.

Well, it is 1487.

Well, it's a famous blue stone

Well, it's cunning in its simplicity.

Well, it's the King, actually.

Well, like a little rabbit, really.

Well, mostly.

Well, My Lord...

Well, obviously there are some genuine cases.

Well, thank you, Father. Good night, Mother.

Well, that is good news, isn't it?

Well, the food tastes like manure

Well, the greatest crisis for some time.

Well, the Infanta's eyes are bluer than it.

Well, the ones at Canterbury.

Well, then she'll know you're mad and leave.

Well, they don't call me Clever Jake.

Well, this enormous nonsense here.

Well, this is a fair selection. You seem to get what you pay for.

Well, this is the list of lords as yet unaccounted for.

Well, um... something black...probably.

Well, we're here to murder the Archbishop of Canterbury...

Well, what would you expect?

Well, with Harry gone...

Well, yes, she was...a bit of an animal.

Well, yes.

Well, you are my father, of course. I mean, you're biased.

Well, you won't be able to fool everyone. Look!

Well...

Well...because you are so little.

Well...I suppose we could kill them...Yes!

Well...it's been very good to see you, er...Phil!

Well...so...perhaps he'd like to choose somewhere else.

Well...there was a man.

Wessex, while they're away, take 10,000 troops and pillage Geneva.

What a little turd.

What a tragic accident, My Lord.

What a very fair test that is.

What about the Viking invasion?

What about this plague? Rumours say it's worse than ever.

What about...The Black Adder?

What are we going to do?

What are you going to do?

What business do you mean?

What chance did I have? I was a little foreign girl.

What did you say?

What do I cut if off with?

What do they do? Lay eggs?

What do you say?

What do you think you're doing?

What has this got to do with me?

What if my left hand offends me too?

What is happening, please?

What is it, My Lord?

What is it?

What is it?

What is that?

What is this nonsense?

What is your profession?

What news could such repulsive harbingers convey?

What news of my father, the King?

What shall we do?

What sheep?

What the devil do you think you're doing?

What you're telling me is that something you have never seen

What, My Lord?

What, then?

What! Who told you that?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What? Greek?

What? No one told me you had a beard.

What? Percy, is this a friend of yours? Someone you...

What? The Archbishop not yet arrived?

What? Who to, boy?

What? You think they should've chosen you, Thrush?

What...is...he...like?

What...was the question?

What's a Scotsman doing in Egypt?

What's going on here?

What's going on out there?

What's happened to your neck?

What's our reason for stopping it?

What's she like?

What's that?

What's the hold up?

What's up, My Lord?

When he was having trouble with Thomas a Becket.

When McAngus last saw him,

Where are you going?

Where camels ride and deserts blow...

Where is he? Where is he!

Where is Princess Leia?

Where it is my sworn intent to approach the city walls,

Where Satan belches fire

Where the air is pungent with the aroma of roasted behinds.

Where we will capture the King and the Queen and the Prince.

Where?

Where?

Where's the head?

Whereas Hell, on the other hand,

Wherever I can sell these six black homing pigeons.

Whether I could have a temporary arrangement with your good lady.

Which is a pardon for anything:

Which might change things a bit around here.

Which, Harry, in relation to your date of birth,

While others speak of those who fought with us

While this...

Who are you?

Who are you? I didn't realise I had company!

Who cherished his young wards.

Who did you expect?

Who did you kill today?

Who ever would have thought it?

Who fought on our side, I believe.

Who grew into a big, strong boy.

Who had died, leaving his lands to the Church?

Who has clearly forged these obviously fake letters.

Who is it that has died?

Who is that dark stranger?

Who is that?

Who is the boldest horseman in the land?

Who is the bravest swordsman in the land?

Who is the ringleader?

Who like the sort of things that go on in Heaven,

Who made the birds and the bees,

Who the hell is this?

Who wants quiet? I want chaos!

Who will defend the accused...

Who would marry the Earl of Doncaster?

Who, My Lord?

Who's that?

Whoo—oo.

Whose bottom I smacked

Why doesn't it say,

Why don't you try that way?

Why have you lured me here, you loathsome drabs?

Why isn't "Thou shalt not eat carrots” in the Ten Commandments?

Why not Little Jack, then?

Why not?

Why, My Lord?

Why, some people over there aren't fighting, they're just lying down!

Why?

Will never walk again!

Will you force us to listen to a man who may be a witch himself?

Will you go back to shovelling dung in the gutter?

Will you wait? Will you wait?

Willkommen...

Wine from the wedding at Cana, splinters from the Cross...

Witch!

Witchsmeller,

With a Spanish alliance,

With the vile turnip of sweet Richard slain

With you at the helm, My Lord, we cannot lose.

Within seconds, Henry Tudor will be at our gates!

Without it, there's no marriage. Without that, there's no diplomacy.

Won't they suspect something?

Woooorgh!

Would I? Do I tell people that your brother Harry is scared of spoons?

Would you excuse me, Baldrick?

Would you insult King Richard's ghost?

Would you like to attempt a less violent test yourself,

Y—yes, um...

Ya—a—ah—h!

Ye—e—e—s, that's right.

Ye—es, carrots.

Ye—es. To my beloved king.

Ye—yes, I am.

Yeah, fingers are really big now.

Yeah, shiny coat, wet nose, clear eyes.

Yeah. Be there.

Yeah. That's good.

Yep!

Yes — Henry Tudor!

Yes, a drawback.

Yes, alas!

Yes, and the Archbishop is also a naughty boy,

Yes, and we all know who did this dreadful deed, don't we?

Yes, but I bet you're glad of that cloak in the winter.

Yes, exile! For life!

Yes, find your own chair, you smelly little dog's pizzle.

Yes, I believe we are.

Yes, I killed him myself at one point. Anyone else?

Yes, I know that.

Yes, I suppose it could have been.

Yes, I think I've got one. Er...

Yes, I would be king.

Yes, I'm afraid so! Let him be tried tomorrow.

Yes, I'm incredibly rich.

Yes, I'm very mad, thank you. Mad!

Yes, I've had all my hair cut off.

Yes, it is a touch warm, isn't it?

Yes, my dear, I think it is.

Yes, My Lord.

Yes, My Lord.

Yes, My Lord.

Yes, My Lord.

Yes, My Lord.

Yes, My Lord.

Yes, My Lord. Shall I go and tell her?

Yes, My Lord. Three months later, I was great with child.

Yes, not so *******.

Yes, obviously. You're a messenger.

Yes, of course.

Yes, old Big Nose is back. He's in an terrible state.

Yes, one day.

Yes, perhaps we need something...

Yes, Princess Leia of Hungary.

Yes, that was a close shave.

Yes, that's him!

Yes, that's the kind of thing.

Yes, that's what the peasants claim.

Yes, today could be one of the most important days of my life.

Yes, very well. Are you Edmund, Duke of Edinburgh?

Yes, well, as I say...

Yes, yes, in a moment.

Yes, yes, yes.

Yes!

Yes!

Yes!

Yes! At least take yourself out of the running!

Yes! Yes! Yes!

Yes?

Yes?

Yes?

Yes?

Yes?

Yes?

Yes? Oh, bye—bye, dear.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes. 15 years in France teaches a man to hate.

Yes. As my tutor, Old Bubble Face, used to say,

Yes. Er...God knows how.

Yes. I like the eunuchs.

Yes. I wish he wouldn't do that.

Yes. I wondered...

Yes. Pretty wild he was too. He took some finishing off.

Yes. The answer is yes.

Yes. The morris dancers, eunuchs and the bearded women.

Yes. What a pity he's dead.

Yes. Yes, that's the one.

Yes... Remind me not to shake your hand

Yesterday?

Yo—o—ou bastard!

You are the love of my life, my love.

You are the only one for me. I want to hug and kiss you.

You ask me what the message is before you tell it to me.

You bastard!

You began to dress up like a nun.

You burned her? Why?

You burned Mistress Scott for being a witch? Why?

You called me Edmund!

You can't lock her out.

You come, fresh from slaughtering chocos when their backs were turned

You could have “em for less!

You could play the Scotsman,

You do have another son, My Lord.

You don't mean...

You don't think using someone else's banner is a trick?

You found all your interests lay in beautiful vestments

You get him to come with you.

You hesitated, Edmund.

You know I'd take any other way.

You know, like the Earl of Doncaster.

You look funny!

You made it!

You may be right.

You may capture the eagle, but you cannot clip its wings.

You mean you're not rich?

You might pass as a fool, but since you wouldn't know a joke

You must be looking forward to the King's return, Your Majesty.

You must be the King's wee rumpy—pumpy.

You never learned Greek!

You over here, and, My Lord, just there.

You ride a horse rather less well than another horse would.

You said to this horse, and I quote,

You say "mooo”.

You see, I will go to Hell

You see, My Lord, how the Duck of Taunton lives within him?

You shouldn't have bothered.

You Turkish pigs!

You understand?

You will all notice how it has suddenly become much darker.

You won't be doing that again, will you?

You won't tell anyone about my oversleeping this morning?

You would bore the leggings off a village idiot!

You, compared to your beloved brother Harry — ha—ha—ha! —

You!

You! Yes, you, the plain girl!

You'd better be rich.

You'll have to look into those.

You're a eunuch as well?

You're absolutely right.

You're certainly wittier than your father.

You're engaged to be married to the Infanta Maria of Spain.

You're in a merry mood, My Lord!

You're not supposed to be here! That's far enough. Get out!

Your body may be mutilated beyond recognition,

Your brain would make a grain of sand look large and ungainly.

Your father being, of course, Donald, third Duke of Argyll

Your Majesty, you've lost your steed. Take mine.

Your Majesty.

Your money and your life.

Your nose is smaller than I expected.

Your tyranny is now at an end.

1, too, have heard such tales.

10,000 sovereigns!

10,000 Turks armed with scimitars,

15 years of eating frogs!

15 years of saying "par—don”!

15 years of wearing perfume!

I'm on! — Where are these letters?

— ..he shall be struck down! — Do it, you oaf, he's there!

— ..naked and obscene... — 0 0h!

— ..take Edmund Plantagenet... — Yes, yes.

— ..wherever he be... — He's there!

— ..with my mother. — What?

— ..with the King gone... — Hmm?

— 'Orribly, My Lord. — Any details?

— "I long for you to probe...” — Edmund!

— "since the Roman invasion.” — Rubbish!

— (All laugh) — (Harry) What do you think?

— (All) Ah! — What did you mean by it?

— (All) The Black Dagger! — (Faintly) Adder!

— (All) What? — ..mercilessly crushed underfoot!

— (ALL) Yes! — But he's a mindless killer!

— (Boom) — The Turks?

— (Both) Edmund, Duke of Edinburgh. — Precisely.

— (Normal voices) Thanks. — You're welcome.

— (Spanish) — Your lips, I like.

— (Speaks Spanish) — I am the Infanta!

— (Speaks Spanish) — What love, what love!

— (Very low voice) Er, yes. — Something like,

— # Mimimi. # — How did it go?

— 20 years? — Yes! Yes, 20 years.

— A black—headed messenger! — That's it.

— A secret? Do you know who I am? — A stranger.

— Aargh! — I will have silence!

— Alas! — Hurry up, Egbert!

— All for one... — ..and each man for himself!

— Am I dying? — Never!

— Am I in Paradise? — No, no. Not yet.

— Amen, I said! — Argh!

— Amen! — What?

— And all because of you! — But surely...the scenery...

— And carrying us out in... — ..three large laundry baskets?

— And codpiece, My Lord? — Well, let's go...

— And dogs? — Or dogs. Shut up, you.

— And for the witch as well. — Of course.

— And her pussy cat. — Be quiet!

— And I killed yours. — Did you?

— And neither have you. — No, My Lord.

— And we all know why! — Why?

— And young Lochinvar? — And him, too.

— angry with the Archbishop... — Don't know why.

— Any moment! — Carrot—faced orang—utan!

— Archbishop! — Aah...

— Are you a cretin? — Yes, My Lord.

— Are you with me, then? — Yes!

— Are you with us, Jack? — Aye!

— Be more specific. — Um...well...

— Be not amazed. — Be not overcome with fear.

— Because the King is possessed! — What?

— before things are firmed up. — Yes?

— Black pudding? — Not quite.

— Blessed are the meek... — (All) Eh?!

— Boots? — The Italian.

— Both of them? — Yes.

— Bravo! — Well done!

— But one day... — (All) Oh, glorious day!

— By axe. — Oh?

— By dressing up as... — ..washerwomen?

— By trial or by ordeal. — Ah, ordeal by water?

— Can you imagine the power? — It's ours, all ours!

— Certainly. Hat, My Lord? — Trojan, I think.

— Cherish, you see. — Oh, ha ha.

— Choose! — There we are!

— Clever Jake. — Where?

— Come on, Baldrick! — I'lL give you money.

— Congratulations! — D—D Down!

— Depends on how cunning you mean. — Damn cunning!

— Do I have to take the dress off? — Get out!

— Do it at once, My Lord! — Very well.

— Do you, Maria Escalosa Infante, — Si, si!

— Does this work? — Yes.

— don't try to get out of it. — No, no. Certainly not.

— Dougal McAngus! — Oh, but of course!

— Edmund, I'm glad I've caught you. — Doing what?

— Edmund, My Lord. — Yes, Osmond.

— Edmund! — Oh, Mother, what do you want?

— Edmund. — Your father said Edna.

— Eh? — Get Percy! Get Percy!

— Farewell, dear Harry. — Farewell, Father.

— Father! — My son!

— Firstly, could I...? — No, you couldn't.

— for the Legion Of Honour. — Oh, I see. Sorry.

— Gentlemen. — (All) King Richard!

— George de Boef. — How do you do?

— Get on with it! — I 1 have not...

— Get out of my way! — Going on a journey, My Lord?

— Go away! — (Both) Yes, My Lord.

— God save the King! — (All) "Cos nobody else will!

— Good evening. — Where's Henry Tudor?

— Good mornin', Prince Edmund. — Morning, peasant.

— Good morning, Prince Edmund. — Morning, peasant.

— Good. Everyone turning up? — Oh, absolutely everyone.

— Goodbye, Edmund. — Goodbye, dear.

— Guy! — Wilfred!

— H—Hail. — Going somewhere?

— Ha—ha! — A—ha—ha'Ha!

— Hail! — Hail!

— Have you got someone in there? — Um... Not as such.

— He's a great warrior. — That's what they all say.

— He's guessed. — He's clever.

— He's hanging on. — Must be on his last legs.

— He's highly thought of! — He's a quack.

— Hell, where tiny tweezers... — Get out!

— Hell? — Yes, Hell...

— Hello, Edmund. — Hello, dear.

— Hello! — Hello.

— Hello? — I want to practise my backhand!

— Hello. — Good evening.

— Here we are, My Lord. — Onward, Baldrick, to glory!

— How are you? I'm fine.

— How cunning! — No, you get a cannon...

— How is old Jasper? — Dead.

— How much are they? — Six shillings.

— How? — I killed him.

— How? — I'll stab him.

— Hup, hup... — Huzzah!

— Hurrah! — Hurrah.

— Hurray! — He murdered his own family.

— Hurray! — He'll destroy the kingdom!

— Hurray! — Wait, wait! The plan!

— Huzzah! — H—huzzah.

— I am the Queen. — I've got a message for ye.

— I bring the gravest of news. — What?

— I call...Jane Firkettle! — (All) Hooray!

— I challenge you to a duel! — To the death!

— I didn't. — Well, then, who did?

— I don't know. — It was because she was a witch!

— I embrace and love you utterly. — What?

— I found it, it's mine. — What do you mean, yours?

— I had a couple of lucky breaks. — Nobles?

— I have a cunning plan. — I have a more cunning one.

— I have another plan. — (Infanta) Oh, uh!

— I have committed adultery... — Who hasn't?

— I have committed many sins. — Haven't we all?

— I have. — You must be joking!

— I haven't finished this one yet. — Disgraceful!

— I murdered my father. I know how you feel!

— I ought to give him an answer. — Honest, or tactful?

— I then pronounce you... — Stop!

— I thought you had it. — I can't carry everything!

— I'lL be sorry if he goes. — (McAngus) Interesting!

— I'm always saying, "Mr Rat". — Who?

— I'm Mad Gerald! — Quiet! Ssh!

— I'm not so sure about all this. — Oh.

— I'm so sorry. — It's OK.

— If anyone knows just cause... — (Thinks) Dear Lord,

— in a heathen orgy. — That's it, yes.

— in frenzied... — Oh!

— In Harrogate it rained phlegm. — (All) Eugh!

— in the traditional Swiss manner? — No, My Lord.

— Interesting! — The suspect is blindfolded.

— Is it a man? Um...

— Is it a woman? — No.

— Is that right? — Yes, that's right!

— Isn't it? — No, it's just...

— It certainly isn't a sheep. — Well, then, let me in.

— It was Edmund who interrupted. — Hang him!

— It wasn't me! — Who said that?

— It's all sorted out now. — Oh, good, good.

— Jake, My Lord. — What about him?

— Let us then go onto the plan. — Ah, the plan!

— Look at his hair! — His hair proves it.

— Lord Thomas of Devon. — Ah, yes, back—slash.

— Lord Wessex is not dead. — Ah! Good news.

— Lord Yeovil. — Yes, groin job.

— Lost! All is lost! — What?

— ls it? — Very well, then — Little Jack.

— M'lord? — What is it?

— McAngus... — Woooooh!

— Milk? — I meant milk, bloody milk!

— Mine's pretty cunning. — Not cunning enough.

— Morning, My Lord. — Morning.

— Morning, Prince Edmund. — Morning, peasant.

— Morning, Princess. — Good morning.

— Morning, stranger. — Morning, friend.

— Morning, stranger. — Morning, friends!

— Mother! — Edmund, dear. How did it go?

— My father sends his regards. — Do I know him?

— My Lord, news. — What?

— My Lord, Your Majesty. — What?

— My Lord? — What?

— My Lord? — You're out, too.

— My Lord. — Yes.

— My Lord. — Yes.

— My Lord.. — Will you get away from me!

— My Lord... — Take that to the Lord Chancellor.

— My son! — Father!

— Never! — Yet, my son,

— No more plague in our lifetime. — I hope you're right.

— No one? — No, no—one!

— No, don't come in! — Why not?

— No, My Lord. — I saw it, My Lord.

— No, no, just milk. — The blood was to come later!

— No, silly, it's a dolly! — So itis. So it is.

— No, thanks. — Why not?

— No, what's he like in bed. — In bed!

— No, when the iron is hot. — What iron?

— No? — Yes!

— No. — Seethe, seethe.

— No. — Surely not Canon Jack Smulley,

— No. — Then Crazed Animal Jack,

— No. — Very well.

— Norman? — Swiss?

— Not cunning? — Get on with the plan!

— Of course I deny it! — A—Ah!

— Oh, arrow fodder. — Precisely.

— Oh, aye! And Peebles. — But, but...

— Oh, dear. — However, before he died...

— Oh, Edmund! — Edmund!

— Oh, four... — Four.

— Oh, good. Good. — He will live?

— Oh, I see. — And as for you, Baldrick...

— Oh, I wish Uncle Dickie was here. — Don't Dickie me, duckie.

— Oh, light the fires! I'm a witch!

— Oh, my God! — Quiet at the end!

— Oh, well, custard. — Crema.

— Oh, yes. — Fight to the death, eh?

— Oh, yes. This would be a pity. — Oh, thanks!

— Oh, you are? — Yes!

— Oh! — Hail!

— Oh! It's name is Bubbles? — Right.

— Ohh. — Oh, I see.

— on Good Friday makes you fertile! — Rubbish!

— One day... — (All) Oh, happy day!

— Osmond can marry the Infanta! — (Harry) Excellent idea!

— Otherwise what? — Well, otherwise I'll be burnt!

— Percy, shut up. — (All) Witchcraft!

— Percy! Percy! — What?

— Percy. — Sorry.

— Percy. — Yes, My Lord?

— Perhaps I do remember you. — Anything else?

— Please, tell me. — All right.

— Precisely! — It's Easter Monday.

— Prepare to die! — Wait!

— Prince Edmund... — ..Duke of Edinburgh.

— Probably dead. — The King is probably dead.

— Quick, let's get out of here. — Take me too!

— Realise! — You're not mad, are you?

— Really? — No!

— Right. — Right.

— Right. I shall send for you all. — How?

— Right... — I am mad!

— Roger de Runcey. — Oh, yes, he was one of mine.

— Ruler of men. — Ravisher of women.

— Run for the hills! — They're coming from the hills.

— Send a brace to my room. — (Harry) Do you want them hung?

— Sheep! — Er...sheep.

— Shouldn't think so. — No?

— Shouldn't you disguise yourself? — Hmm?

— Silence! — Silence!

— since the Roman invasion! — (All shout agreement)

— Sitting down, you mean? — Yes, that's right. Sitting down.

— Slayer of kings! — Be gone, hideous crones.

— So you won? — Yes, of course. We won!

— So? — Everyone's dying of the plague!

— Some more beer! — Hurray!

— Someone has died, yes? — Yes, My Lord.

— Stop the show! — How? How?

— Tell him to get stuffed! — Right.

— That's better. — He means to kill us!

— That's impossible. He's dead. — King Richard — dead?

— That's right. Innit? — I believe so.

— That's the one. — So what's he doing in my bed?

— the Black Adder will be... — (Both) King...Next!

— The eunuchs have cancelled. — Oh, dear.

— The King will not return. — What?

— The most evil man in the world! — Oh!

— The one you had murdered? — Yes.

— The plan! — I thought it was the plan.

— There you are! — I come with tragic news.

— They're dead, My Lord. — Ah.

— They're obviously fake! — Ha! Yes.

— Thieving Scots weasel! — (Both) Death!

— This news is not good. — Pardon, My Lord.

— This time, not fast enough! — What do you want with me?

— To my deepest shame. — And mine! Look at her.

— Try him. — If that's what you recommend.

— Usted, Edmundo Plantaganet... — Oh, shut up.

— Very well. — Alas.

— Very witty, My Lord. — Thank you, Baldrick.

— Very, very, very witty, My Lord. — Thank you, Percy.

— Wait! — Too late!

— Warwick. — Warwick the Wild, of Leicester?

— We fear he may be in danger. — Really? How?

— We've done it again! — You silly witches!

— Well, boys, did you hear that? — (Baldrick) Mmm.

— Well, by a message, a sign. — What sort of sign?

— Well, I might have said that. — Ah!

— Well, read them. — Um...er...very well.

— Well, tell me anyway. — No, no, we can't.

— Well, this is nice. — Yes.

— What did you say? — I give you Edgar!

— What did you say? — Quack, quack, quack!

— What do they do? — They jump, My Lord.

— What do they speak? — It's all Greek to me.

— What do you want? — Listen! (Drums)

— What does that one say? — It's from John Watts.

— What is it? — The King of Naples.

— What is it? — Well...

— What is that? — Something Henry Il said

— What? — By the power vested in me...

— What? — Mr Key!

— What? — No, no, no, no.

— What? — Silence, Grumbledook!

— What? — Yours, all yours!

— What's his name? — Edmund.

— When were these written? — 1460.

— Where is this battle, then? — Somewhere called Bosworth Field.

— Where's the dwarf? — Here, My Lord.

— Which? — That's him.

— Who are you? — I'm not important.

— Who did you kill today? Um...

— Who didn't? I killed mine. — I killed mine!

— Who is that signed by? — Both Popes.

— Who locked that bloody door? — Richard, it's you!

— Who, My Lord? — Oh, I see!

— Who, My Lord? — That Scottish weasel.

— Who's this? — Old Big Nose.

— Whoever it was... — It was Edna!

— Whose sheep? — Edmund's sheep.

— Why are you dressed like this? — Like what, sorry?

— Why have they been cancelled? — I see.

— Why? — Because I told you to, rat!

— Witch! — Oh!

— Witch! Witch! — What?

— Ya—ah—h! — Ya—a—ah!

— Yes, I'd like to say something. — Shut up!

— Yes, My Lord. — Good. Excellent.

— Yes! — Oh, yes, Baldrick, that's...

— Yes! — What?

— Yes? — ..cannot be with us.

— Yes? — Well, frankly, er...

— Yes. — Eek—eek!

— Yes. — Good on you, Father!

— Yes. — Looks like we'll need him.

— Yo soy la Infanta! — Well, absolutely.

— You are Clever Jake. — Oh, yes.

— You bore him a son? — I did. My little Johnny.

— You did. — Sorry. Slip of the tongue.

— You sound like one. — I am not a eunuch.

— You Turkish pig! — Father, it's me! Pax!

— You! Where's Mistress Scott? — You've just passed her.

— You're still here, are you? — Er... Yes.

— Your Majesty. — Yes!

— Your other son, My Lord. — It is my other son, My Lord.

.."'s various enemies.

..a bit of time... before our next Crusade.

..after I was born!

..am forced to fight to set sweet England free.

..but do you know if there's a way out of here?

..cheat.

..Edwin, Duke of Edinburgh!

..for they shall be slaughtered!

..handred.

..he did make this signed confession.

..I that am rudely cast and want true majesty...

..I'm no actor.

..let him speak now or forever hold his peace.

..let us imagine you were to pass away.

..might well send two drunken knights fresh from the Crusades

..modest person, who wishes to remain nameless.

..more than a thousand times...

..s0 I kissed her on her left foot!

..satanic orgies with your master,

..snails.

..the Hawk!

..then something's wrong with his nose, and I should know.

..to be your lawful wedded wife, to have and to hold,

..to the marriage of these God—fearing Christians,

..until death do you part.

..what do you think my chances are?

..while you're wittering away like a moorhen...

..will conduct the thanksgiving service.

..you would be king, My Lord.

'Orribly is all I was given.

‘Course I recognise him!

‘Ere! Business is very quiet this morning!

"..and I spoke to him on the matter frequently...”

"..over a gallon...a gallon... a gallon of stable boy's blood™!

"'Neither shalt thou eat the fruit of the tree

"a warm welcome in my harbour.”

"A woman is like a bat —

"A—And he took the Lord up to the top of an high mountain

"and by the length of his rod shall he be measured.”

"and go to live in a land far away,

"and look forward to passing water

"And may he in turn cherrys you.”

"and offered him a carrot"?

"and so was interested by your letter...”

"And the Lord said unto the children,

"and then acts of love consummated,

"Arundel, Thursday. My dear hairy—wairy,

"As you know, your galleon is always assured

"Big—boy!" Mother! Do you know about this?

"Company"? I haven't heard that word for 20 years either!

"Dear big—boy, sail south.

"Dear Enemy, May the Lord hate you and all your kind.”

"Dear Percy, I remember yourself and Prince Edmund at school,

"Even though it's an oranged marriage.”

"for slaughtering syphilitic Turks.”

"for tomorrow you may catch some disgusting skin disease.”

"giving away half of Scotland to a kilted maniac,

"Hello, Bubbles. Would you like some milk?”

"How are you today?” And he says, um...

"How I long to be in that kingdom between saffron sheets,

"I hope the drains are to your satisfaction.”

"I spit on you and your master

"It is with exstrawberry pleasure that we welcome you.”

"Let's reward him."

"Make love and be merry,

"May you be the apple of your husband's eye.”

"May you be turned orange

"May you both die horribly. Yours, John Watts.”

"Meep, meep, meep, meep!”

"No, you'd be mad to expect any.”

"Not much change, then, Gerald?”

"often heard but never seen."?

"often, as you sit at table with my husband,

"oh, you enormous Scotsman.” Etc, etc.

"Old Big Nose is back"?

"over both your graves as you lay dead.”

"perform the tragic masterpiece The Death Of The Pharaoh.”

"probing into affairs of state,

"Satin, would you like some carrots?”

"Sir Dominic Prick and his Magnificent Strolling Wooferoonies

"that is known as the carrot tree.'”

"that my former master, Edmund, is the servant of Satan...”

"that the Big Bear had to leave all his friends,

"Today we face the gravest crisis this country has known

"until the day that he died.”

"What an absurd idea,

"What you ask is against reason and God.”

"What's not Greek, but sounds like it?" That's a good one, My Lord.

"where the elves and the fairies would look after him,

"where you and your ruler are the only ruler,

"Who will rid me of this turbulent priest?”

"Who will rid me of this turbulent priest?”

"You are doomed to lives of exile. Get out!”

(Alarm clock rings)

(All gasp in wonder)

(All laugh) A man twisted by unbridled ambition.

(All three) Hurrah!

(All) ..not dead. Long live the King. Hurray!

(ALL) Aaagh!

(ALL) Burn! Burn! Burn!

(ALL) Huh?

(ALL) Hurrah!

(ALL) Huzzah!

(ALL) Huzzah!

(ALL) Long live King Richard IV!

(All) Long live the King. The King is probably dead.

(ALL) oh?

(ALL) Our triumph!

(ALL) Over our dead bodies!

(ALL) Shame!

(All) The King is dead. Long live the King.

(ALL) You shall be King!

(Animal yelps)

(Baldrick groans)

(Baldrick moans)

(Baldrick) I don't think it's a trick at all.

(Baldrick) I don't think they thought it up.

(Baldrick) My Lord, it's not a cunning trick.

(Baldrick) No.

(Barks madly)

(Bell rings)

(Bell tolls)

(Black Satin neighs)

(Blows nose noisily)

(Bong!)

(Bong!)

(Bong!)

(Booing and hissing)

(Booing and hissing)

(Booing)

(Both) Morning, Your Highness.

(Both) Thank you, Baldrick.

(Both) You'd rule the world, My Lord!

(Braying laughter)

(Ceremonial organ chords)

(Chanting continues)

(Cheering)

(Cheering)

(Cheering)

(Cheering)

(Chiswick) Congratulations.

(Cork pops)

(Coughing and spluttering)

(Cracked falsetto) Er, no, Sister. More's the pity!

(Crash) Aah!

(Crowd hisses)

(Crowd) Burn! Burn! Burn!

(Crowd) Oo—ooh!

(Dogs bark ferociously)

(Drunken laughter and cheering)

(Edmund laughs)

(Edmund) "And so it came to pass

(Edmund) Ah!

(Edmund) Baa! Ba—aa—ah.

(Edmund) Damn, damn!

(Edmund) Now, Baldrick, what news?

(Edmund) Oh, Percy, thank you! A—Are those the letters?

(Edmund) They borrowed it?

(Edmund) Urrgh!

(Edmund) Yes, yes, yes. All right.

(Effeminate voice) Hello there!

(Enthusiastic cheering)

(Enthusiastic growls) Wait! Wait till I send the sign.

(Excited noises)

(Falsetto) Oh, I think they went that way.

(Fanfare and cheering)

(Fanfare)

(Fanfare)

(Fanfare) Ah, Edmund!

(Fanfare) Look out. Here she comes.

(Fanfare) My Lord, this is it.

(Fanfare) Quick, quick.

(Fanfare) What the devil...?

(Feeble voice) Dying, My Lords?

(Footsteps)

(Gerald) Close the bloody door!

(Groaning)

(Harry) Ah, Edmund!

(Harry) Father!

(He laughs fiendishly)

(He laughs fiendishly)

(He laughs fiendishly) Baldrick! Get in here.

(He mouths)

(He mouths) Pedant.

(He mumbles) I'm fed up!

(Hiccups)

(High—pitched voice) I am not a eunuch.

(In high—pitched voice) Hello. Goodness me.

(In soft, high voice) Infanta!

(Inaudible)

(Infanta groans) Mas!

(Infanta makes excited noises)

(Infanta sighs contently)

(Infanta speaks passionately)

(Infanta) Ahh—ahh!

(Infanta) Ahh!

(Infanta) Edmundo? Edmundo, amor mio.

(Interpreter) Again, please.

(Interpreter) Don't hold back, please, my little one.

(Interpreter) Oh, Edmund, my love.

(Irish accent) So, Sir Wilfred Death,

(King) Ah, good. Good!

(Knock at door)

(Knock at door) Do come in.

(Knock on the door)

(Lady speaks Spanish)

(Laughs again)

(Laughs and speaks Spanish)

(Laughs fiendishly)

(Laughs nervously)

(Laughs sheepishly, then screams)

(Laughs weakly) I wouldn't pass water over Scotland!

(Laughter)

(Leia) Can I have a drink of water, please?

(Leia) Oh!

(Low voice) Brilliant. Quite, quite brilliant.

(Manic laughter continues)

(Manic laughter)

(McAngus) Aye, it is.

(McAngus) Mind the pit.

(Men yell their support)

(Men) Hurrah!

(Moans of agony)

(Narrator) His investiture over,

(Narrator) History has known many liars —

(Nervous giggle)

(Ominous organ chords)

(Organ)

(Percy and Baldrick howl like dogs)

(Percy chokes back tears)

(Percy) Ch! Oh! oh!

(Percy) I said he shouldn't have burnt that cat.

(Percy) It's only your father.

(Percy) Who do you think will take over?

(Screaming)

(Screams)

(Snoring)

(Soft footsteps)

(Someone is running up the stairs)

(Speaks emotionally)

(Speaks impatiently in Spanish)

(Speaks in Spanish)

(Speaks passionately in Spanish)

(Speaks passionately)

(Speaks Spanish, angrily)

(Speaks Spanish)

(Speaks Spanish)

(Speaks Spanish)

(Speaks Spanish)

(Speaks Spanish)

(Speaks Spanish)

(Speaks Spanish)

(Speaks Spanish)

(Speaks Spanish)

(Speaks Spanish)

(Swords clash and horses whinny)

(The King) Fresh horses!

(The King) You Turkish dog!

(They all laugh)

(They titter nervously)

(Thinks) Now's your chance.

(Thinks) Oh, thanks a lot.

(Thump, boing, thump, boing)

(Thumping and yelling)

(Tully laughs hysterically)

(Very low voice) Er, no, how do you do, Ursula?

(Wailing)

(Water drips)

(Whispering)

(Wind blows, cat miaows, dog barks)

(Woman laughs hysterically)

(Woman) 0— 0 0h.

(Woman) Noble Prince, your secret note of love has won my heart.

® years? Yes!

# A shame about the Plan

# Beware the deadly flashing blade

# Beware the deadly flashing blade

# Beware the deadly flashing blade

# Beware the deadly flashing blade

# Beware the deadly flashing blade

# Black Adder

# Black Adder

# Black Adder

# Black Adder

# Black Adder

# Black Adder

# Black Adder, Black Adder

# Black Adder, Black Adder

# Black Adder, Black Adder

# Black Adder, Black Adder

# Black Adder, Black Adder

# Black Adder, Black Adder

# Black Adder, Black Adder

# Black Adder, Black Adder

# Black Adder, Black Adder

# Black Adder, Black Adder

# Black Adder, Black Adder

# Black Adder, Black Adder

# Black Adder, Black Adder

# Black Adder, Black Adder

# Black Adder, Black Adder

# Black Adder, Black Adder

# Black Adder, Black Adder

# Black Adder, Black Adder

# Black Adder, Black Adder,

# Black his codpiece made of metal

# Black his codpiece made of metal

# Black his codpiece made of metal

# Black his gloves of finest mole

# Black his gloves of finest mole

# Black his gloves of finest mole

# Black, his codpiece made of metal

# Black, his codpiece made of metal

# Black, his gloves of finest mole

# Black, his gloves of finest mole

# Farewell, you horrid man #

# Good folk, lock up your son and daughter

# Good folk, lock up your son and daughter

# Good folk, lock up your son and daughter

# Good folk, lock up your son and daughter

# Good folk, lock up your son and daughter

# He rides a pitch—black steed

# He rides a pitch—black steed

# He rides a pitch—black steed

# He rides a pitch—black steed

# He rides a pitch—black steed

# He's very bad indeed

# He's very bad indeed

# He's very bad indeed

# He's very bad indeed

# He's very bad indeed

# His horse is blacker than a vole

# His horse is blacker than a vole

# His horse is blacker than a vole

# His horse is blacker than a vole

# His horse is blacker than a vole

# His pot is blacker than his kettle

# His pot is blacker than his kettle

# His pot is blacker than his kettle

# His pot is blacker than his kettle

# His pot is blacker than his kettle

# Is Edmund pushing up the daisies

# So now the wage of sin is paid

# The blade has stuck The black steed grazes

# The only sound across the glade

# The sound of hoof—beats ‘cross the glade

# The sound of hoof—beats ‘cross the glade

# The sound of hoofbeats cross the glade

# The sound of hoofbeats cross the glade

# The sound of hoofbeats cross the glade

# Unless you want to end up shorter

# Unless you want to end up shorter

# Unless you want to end up shorter

# Unless you want to end up shorter

# Unless you want to end up shorter

# With many a cunning plan

# With many a cunning plan

# With many a cunning plan

# With many a cunning plan

# With many a cunning plan

# You horrid little man #

# You horrid little man! #

# You horrid little man! #

# You horrid little man! #

# You horrid little man! #

~ Really? Yes!