Mr. Mayor - Season 2 Edit

A "trampage" is a rite of passage

A 20,000 mile long space elevator.

A bad link, and now there's sewage

A billionaire to pay for it. Whoa.

A boot. No seriously,

A bunch of jealous toddlers?

A camel?

A clean street.

A dentist appointment, two Zooms, a virtual bra fitting

A fact she announced on a phone paid for by Team Neil.

A gentleman's club is not a good place to learn,

A group of bears is a sleuth.

A group of crows is a murder. Has she never done a crossword?

A jasmine lemonade, G boo. Totally.

A little extra multi tasking, and by tonight,

A lot of women that you can do that with.

A lull in conversations, 'cause I can't handle silences.

A lunchtime face lift.

A medication I'm also on but for wake apnea.

A mistake you're gonna have plenty of time

A new Instagram mural in West Hollywood.

A okay! [laughs]

A pad on her shoulder,

A party where your date just pretended to get bitten

A Patrick Schwarzenegger phase,

A photo of her attacking Dick Cheney

A photo with Titi B

A project like this creates new jobs,

A red heart is what you send to your mom

A reliable staple of sitcom hijinks.

A shared iCloud account,

A smoky mouth.

A space elevator would revolutionize space exploration

A true son of Mars!

A true, accurate count of the unhoused population.

A vent. I'm like a mouse.

A year from now?

About 40% of us have contiguous teeth.

About appreciating your fathers?

About having fire extinguishers in every public hallway.

About my, like, feud with the mayor of Los Angeles,

About something supes serious.

About something that's never gonna happen.

About that is incorrect.

About the phone bowl.

About these power outages?

Absolutely not.

Absolutely, Mr. Mayor,

Absolutely, the mayor is very excited

Acetaldehyde all the hydes.

Actually interested in doing good.

Actually, Arpi, we think it'll be ready

Actually, its origins are in voter suppression,

Actually, she's married.

Actually, sir, it's not.

Actually, sir, she's in the tree.

Actually, that's it. We're done.

Actually, we never even left the hotel room.

Actually, young lady,

Adnan, Bryce, Harvey, the rest of you,

Adriana can play the town doctor.

After a year in government,

After buying a hammer at the general store.

After her sister Landline was born.

After I answer this call from my doctor.

After the $90 million bucks fell into his narrow, bony lap.

After you get out of a failed COVID relationship

After you slipped on the Peloton.

Against the administration that you work for.

Against you based on astrological sign.

Ah, chlamydia's not so bad.

Ah, Gilbert's birthday.

Ah, I don't really see a we texting here.

Ah, this guy is wearing an MIT sweatshirt

Ah, yeah.

Ah! Go off, king.

Ah! Go!

Ah.

Ah. [chuckles] Come here, you old fat ass.

Ah. [groaning]

Ain't nothing but a moon thang!

Airlines put me on a list, right, and you know what?

Alexa, call Jaden.

Alexa, play my old timey saloon playlist.

Alexa, turn off the living room lights!

Alexa, turn on the living room lights!

All I do is work.

All night long.

All right, a solution is in the works.

All right, all right. What are we supposed to do now?

All right, boil that down to a three page memo

All right, don't look at her.

All right, I see there's a government office

All right, is there lunch is at?

All right, let's take my car, shall we?

All right, look, I want you two to team up.

All right, my Scorpio king,

All right, now I wanna thank our corporate partners

All right, team. All hands on deck.

All right.

All right. Any questions out there?

All righty then!

All the crap that she did.

All the shrimp?

All these women keep asking me to tell them what street

All this texting instead of meeting in person.

All those ideas are mine.

All while making a certain high school science teacher

All you do is work.

All you need is a Leatherman Rebar

All you need is a letter purse

Allow me.

Almost as much as they hate Slerv,

Almost makes me want to hear your other 28 pitches.

Already in the vent, sir.

Already livestreaming it.

Also don't get mad at me,

Also tell Arpi if she's looking

Also, "Come Into My Bathroom"

Also, and this is admittedly low on the list,

Also, he seems to be looking at his arm for some reason.

Also, I think this CryoPartment

Also, she stays acting like she can't pronounce my name.

Also, tell her I'll be keeping her security deposit

Although I did just order a cape from ASOS.

Am I gonna be executed?

Am I playing this like I really am the mayor,

Am I right, ladies?

Am I right? Yeah.

Am I saying that correctly?

Am I? Guess we'll never know.

Amazeballs...

Amazing news.

America Ferrera told me to settle down

Americans overvalue happiness.

An absolute ten.

An apartment neither of us could afford on our own,

An Arby's Brisket Bacon Beef 'n Cheddar.

An emotional affair with a convenience store clerk?

An unfinished high rise

And [gags]

And and I and I get that now.

And "Big Brother" said my application was too sad.

And a chunk of olive wood.

And a fire in her belly.

And a housing shortage.

And a month is, what, like, 30 days?

And a new thing I just thought of,

And a regressive tax on the poor

And a special sticker.

And a voice memo?

And accidentally gave the bird.

And Adriana? Okay.

And after hour schmoozing

And an unfinished 10,000 piece jigsaw puzzle.

And Arpi is my Gru.

And as long as I look like this...

And at first, you're like, "No way," but then you're like,

And bond over how unreasonable your mom was being.

And both prices are too steep, okay? I'm not made of kisses.

And building a social life unrelated to dating.

And California penal code number 529

And calling everybody "dog breath,"

And career wise, I'm having a moment.

And celebrities who haven't had their veneers attached yet

And clear everybody out by 5:00 AM for "Best Butt Ever"?

And deprive Cecilia

And do the words "high" and "fast"

And does stuff, you know?

And doing bottle service at a yakuza owned night club.

And don't forget, Andrea,

And every restaurant has to have a concept.

And everyone would just think

And everyone's just psyched to see me.

And finally, Orly Bremer is on the Honor Roll,

And for a second, I was like, "This old man could get it."

And get me my job back.

And get some brown dogs.

And getting way too into birding?

And hand over that permit, please.

And handle your daughter wow, hearing it, sir.

And have me click on all the stop signs.

And he calls pants "trousers," and what are "dungarees"?

And he is not part of the game.

And he moved in with his ex after only three months.

And he said, "In a mirror, unless I've become a vampire."

And he's gonna be like,

And he's gonna be so mad!

And he's really bad at it!

And heading for Canada because of Vietnam.

And here at work, there's a new baby.

And his lovely wife, Colette.

And his other hand in the collection plate.

And how all other generations are the worst.

And how exactly do I do it?

And how great the weather has been.

And how I operate, it's

And I am gonna go.

And I believe I'm getting drunk tonight.

And I can't wait.

And I could tell, inside, he was kind of like...

And I could, um...

And I didn't just change my mind.

And I didn't see it

And I don't hear you this time either, Jayden.

And I don't know what you said to Sanchez Gomez.

And I don't really want to bring someone into that mess.

And I don't think it's gonna work if you're there.

And I don't want any special treatment.

And I get kind of quiet,

And I get to feed your lizard whenever I want to.

And I got accepted into a prestigious intern program.

And I got my nails, uh, did.

And I guess he had some fun at my expense

And I have not had a single sex scandal,

And I haven't even mentioned

And I heckled a hypnotist

And I hit it big on scratchers.

And I just want to assure you that I don't want your job.

And I just want to clarify something for you all.

And I know that like this bus lane

And I like having fun.

And I look forward to working with you as well.

And I love being told what to do.

And I love not knowing how to feel about that.

And I made it possible for coyotes to have sex

And I might not have a quick fix for that.

And I need him to sign a permission slip

And I need the I Team to help me with that.

And I need to show the mayor some pants I bought.

And I need you to tell yourself to move out.

And I promise a free payphone on every street corner,

And I realized the truth you ruined me.

And I think that they might in fact be a mess.

And I trended briefly as "Lady Farquaad."

And I want to set up a cultural exchange

And I want you to be my campaign manager.

And I was just trying to do something special

And I will prove you wrong.

And I woke up eating it

And I would tell Natalie, "I'll talk to her."

And I'll be here all day

And I'll be the Space Mayor.

And I'll look it over, okay?

And I'm a man of few words.

And I'm done talking about Titi B.

And I'm gonna eat all the food before it melts!

And I'm gonna get Detectives Benson and Stabler

And I'm gonna prove it.

And I'm gonna read every one

And I'm guessing you already know how we should spend it.

And I'm just looking to restore

And I'm like, "When do you think he died?"

And I'm not a Grampy. I'm a daddy.

And I'm not looking for anything serious right now,

And I'm pretty addicted

And I'm scared of disappointing you"?

And I'm sorry for leaking those photos of you

And I'm still like, "Where's the Italian wedding?"

And I'm trying to break old habits.

And I'm working on ending the practice

And I'm worried that my older work children

And I've already saved a video of you

And I've got to have that reflective safety vest.

And if Angelica Masters asks

And if I don't love to do it,

And if so, how? She's not real, Mr. Mayor.

And if we can do that, we might have a shot

And if you left and let her finish it,

And if you'd like, I can bring you to one of our new shelters.

And if you're looking to buy some,

And in the interest of inclusion, partici skirts.

And Inspire owns Arby's.

And is openly cuckolding Enos

And it could have been any of us decent townsfolk.

And it goes through a ring and then

And it got bitten off by a dog.

And it is very much a tuna melt.

And it shows our commitment to new ideas.

And it was gonna be a good one, too.

And it's all eco friendly.

And it's because of this thing.

And it's five minutes away. You have a chance

And it's giving me coke flashbacks to the '80s.

And it's hard to get rid of Patti Heaton vibes.

And it's nice to be reminded that it could be worse.

And it's time for a new master.

And Jayden got so worked up he threw up as Go Gurt.

And Jayden has joined the ranks of our city's working unhoused.

And Jayden is pretty afraid of haircuts.

And just like that, it's a three way race.

And just throw you under the bus.

And just to be clear, I don't need that kind of validation

And LA is coco slammin'.

And last night was not at all about me.

And leading the charge is Jayden Kwapis.

And let me know if you need to take any pictures of me

And listening to the London cast recording of "Les Mis,"

And maybe don't have a blue tongue this afternoon.

And maybe free Arby's.

And maybe you and I could," and then I got cut off.

And Mayor Bremer is my Gru,

And move up the food chain until even your farmers market

And my father was just in a car accident. I need this.

And my go to karaoke channel.

And my lawyer just told me you're like the mayor?

And my platform has not changed.

And Neil Bremer doesn't lose fights,

And Neil Flynn is a treasure.

And neither should you, Los Angeles.

And never looked back.

And not be that guy who said, "I can't,"

And not because we couldn't get the E.

And not counting babies, the elderly, methheads,

And not even a person with 20 pens would waste ink on you.

And not everything that can be measured matters.

And now I get to meet the mayor!

And now I'm going back to school.

And now I've got six.

And now it says "Day Care"?

And now it's my turn.

And now she wants to do real work.

And now who's psyched for the real reason,

And now, we're gonna feed them to the robot.

And obviously you're gonna be fine.

And of course not.

And people will stop watching porn at McDonald's!

And plays JV field hockey.

And potential volunteers

And push my broadband bill.

And ranting about how there are too many TV channels now.

And reconnected after my divorce.

And research.

And see how this shakes out.

And see what the real world was like.

And set a course for Planet Orgasmo

And share things with them."

And she did it at Christmas. [audience jeering]

And she has every right to meet someone.

And she wants to apologize in person.

And she's much happier now.

And she's the mayor's daughter.

And since the other case on my desk is a guy

And six hundred million possums that live in Los Angeles.

And slam my door, and then feel bad about it all night.

And someday you will. Hand it over.

And someone has to let Angelica Masters know.

And something very important to tell you.

And Split, Croatia?

And start handing out fact based smackdowns,

And Takasugi will take us at 9:00.

And take care of all these birds.

And technically your Bel Air yard

And tell us how to do our jobs.

And tell us how to innovate.

And tell y'all don't open the closet.

And thanks to him, I made negative $10,000 last year.

And thanks to you, I'm the Kool Aid Man.

And that boy just has to fill the silence.

And that is when I realized

And that the name

And that thing before where I told you to leave?

And that's a wrap

And that's your pitch for the City of Los Angeles?

And the Buzzfeed quiz I'm most like is

And the city's homeless count was a mess

And the curfew so early, it's dehumanizing.

And the dryers do not work.

And the first one's gonna be built in Los Angeles

And the governor is signing an anti offshore drilling bill.

And the guys at Cars of Stars Rentals

And the hashtag "spaghetti guy" is trending.

And the last time we had a budget surplus

And the mayor from Makati, she started to FaceTime her dog

And the only reason why it's there

And their website is black text on a blue screen, okay?

And then a truck full of tacos just appeared.

And then accidentally pasted it there.

And then anyone can run against you.

And then book me on all the morning shows.

And then call her a bitch,

And then compliment them like it's their idea.

And then he laughed like he made a joke,

And then he said,

And then he'll be in a bad mood.

And then he'll have to go live with crows.

And then I fight these Karens to the death for it.

And then I show up super late

And then if somebody else wanted to use the phone,

And then in the afternoon, we're gonna set up

And then James just invites himself.

And then just, like, bailed.

And then say "Good job."

And then she died.

And then talk turkey?

And then tell me how you did it afterwards?

And then they'd go away, and I never fix the AC.

And then they've got you.

And then very, very sleepy and sad.

And then you snap.

And there are very specific formatting requirements

And there's no wall on earth

And these B school Scott Disicks,

And they already booked it for today

And they can send me anywhere.

And they got to know their one brother.

And they had to move to Las Vegas.

And they know how to make things disappear.

And they will not take that away from me again.

And this "pilot program,"

And this guy, what a tour guide.

And this is more of a go straight car.

And this is not a paid ad.

And this is the I Team.

And threw me away

And throws dollars at your mom.

And to let you know that we're gonna get

And today we now have completed

And Tommy can roll his eyes all that he wants...

And tomorrow, but you owe me.

And touching his wound?

And try to find out why he went from lips

And until you've reviewed every Kinder Surprise,

And was nominated for a Pulitzer

And watch that guy eat yogurt with only his tongue.

And we can't wait to get it off the ground.

And we got interrupted.

And we will have successfully earmarked monies

And we're so excited to get started.

And we're the dopes! [laughs]

And we've got permits from the mayor's office.

And what am I supposed to do with that?

And what are we, chopped liver?

And what you have labeled as an organic algae garden

And what, the rest of my staff's

And when I didn't hear from you, I followed my gut.

And when I get back, I will be a little drunk

And when I return to office,

And when I was your age,

And when I woke up, the only people still logged in

And where did Jayden go?

And why wouldn't they let me stand with them?

And will that be interactive?

And would have appreciated a "Why not?"

And wrinkly.

And you "absotudely" don't deserve it.

And you can't get out?

And you can't worry if people judge your decisions,

And you didn't tell me that my security codename

And you didn't text me back.

And you don't know how else to connect.

And you guys...

And you have to move on to your next assignment.

And you know, both of my grandfathers died, I think.

And you let Jayden stay.

And you look like Cookie Monster used to use a toilet.

And you need...

And you now have a page on celebrityankles.net.

And you promised your children.

And you put a bumper sticker on a lease?

And you sent her a red heart?

And you two, of course, are adult stable boy Enos Craven

And you want a job.

And you, me,

And you're afraid to tell me.

And you're, like, the perfect villain

And your fake personality you've built

And your friends didn't tag you in any of their photos.

And your mom's like, "It's okay.

And your party is the least sexual thing

And zero NFL teams in this great city!

And, as you saw,

And, believe me, I could have. Hmm.

And, frankly, unlike most I Team ideas,

And, um... [exhales]

Andrea, this heat wave is putting a lot of stress

Angelenos are thought to be kooks

Angelenos covered in oil? Duck that.

Angelica's on a trampage.

Any City Hall employee can come pitch me

Any idea if the mayor will be gracing us

Any special assignments today?

Anyone can make a soap dish.

Anything about cell towers being down?

Anything can happen.

Anything the I Team can do, I can do better.

Anyway, do your part. Stay cool, L. A.

Anyway, just [cell phone buzzes]

Anyway, look, the youngsters are telling me

Anyway, people tend to get a little sleepy

Anyway, the headline is: I took care of it.

Apparently there's a problem with the cooling center.

Are all recycled from that dump that's all Furbys from 1998.

Are all stuck at home with Oscar fever.

Are Cookie Monster memorials,

Are cool and mean.

Are feeling ignored.

Are from [sighs]

Are gonna be friends with benefits

Are in San Bernardino today.

Are my three favorite words.

Are off schedule for a reason, Arpi.

Are those LEDs?

Are we at Burger King, folks?

Are we just naming people and places, Tommy?

Are you an older adult who thinks he or she

Are you at least being smart about this?

Are you aware of how much the city still spends

Are you aware you made Titi B. cry the same month

Are you boycotting Titi B.'s shapewear line?

Are you eating Valerie's birthday cake?

Are you evading your observer too?

Are you happy?

Are you okay?

Are you ready? We're kind of already late.

Are you stupid?

Are you sure, sir?

Are you sure?

Are you talking about the I Team?

Are you telling me that you would like

Around here, I know the other people and the store owners.

Around the mayor. They're saying that

Arpi and Jayden, you handle radio columns.

Arpi got me my permit.

Arpi shops at GapKids,

Arpi, a word, please.

Arpi, Arpi! Hey, don't ignore me!

Arpi, care to give it a try?

Arpi, do you not see the opportunity here?

Arpi, have you talked to Salvatore today?

Arpi, I am sure that my fellow Angelenos

Arpi, I want you to know that I am fully committed to this.

Arpi, I'm the mayor.

Arpi, I've been here for four hours.

Arpi, if I know how to do anything,

Arpi, in my world, this is a sign of respect.

Arpi, it's getting dark.

Arpi, just a reminder, the mayor wants everyone

Arpi, move fast and break things.

Arpi, there's a Salvatore for you on line one.

Arpi, this is a private club. We can't discuss work here

Arpi, thought a lot about what you said.

Arpi, you are the establishment.

Arpi?

Arpi? Arpi, the I Team is trying to claim

Arpi's dysentery initiative.

Arrests for civil disobedience,

As a medical doctor,

As a woman, if I'm fun and laid back,

As an official representative of the City of Los Angeles.

As bad as when they brought Digimon

As Big Butch Betty Bodean.

As much as I love that, I probably

As soon as Tony Shalhoub finishes the Q&A.

As soon as we can get it voted on, the mayor will sign it,

As special, but okay, I will block off the afternoon

As team Yasmine Ciobanu.

As the only boy in a tap show.

As you can see, there's some historical parking spots

As you know, I've taken on the oil industry.

As you know, my mother was a dancer at Deja Boob.

Asked me what to do about it.

Asking them to release it on DVD,

Ass!

At 16?

At 500 less a month.

At 6:40 a. m. tomorrow.

At a crappy restaurant or something,

At a For Your Consideration event

At a restaurant and their boyfriend's in the bathroom.

At getting Maintenance to replace

At Impactium Consulting,

At my apartment tonight.

At one of the most competitive schools in Los Angeles?

At Santa Monica Community College,

At the brochure. Oh, my God, obsessed.

At the Learning Annex.

At the same time he was electrocuting corpses?

At the W Hotel in Miami.

At the Women's March.

At this point, her only memories of Natalie

Athens has dealt with smog and hosting a recent Olympics.

Auckland is a leader in gun control and green tech.

Award key to the city

Awesome, me too.

Back at my billboard company,

Back to forehead?

Bad news Shalhoub is taking questions about "Monk" now.

Ball one. What exactly did you say?

Banning oil drilling, ADU's for the unhoused,

Based on astrological signs all you want but...

Because all the choices were trash cans, Arpi!

Because Aquarians hate rules!

Because big gesture guys suck!

Because by defending your weakest team member,

Because fun is as good as on time.

Because he made you too good at scratchers?

Because her wheelchair ruined the carpet.

Because I cannot live within my means, Orly.

Because I didn't want you interfering.

Because I didn't win it.

Because I don't do that.

Because I don't know how to do anything.

Because I have some polling data

Because I sing in a register that can trigger seizures.

Because I still believe

Because I still think, more than ever,

Because I want these morons to like me!

Because I will be all up in that club,

Because I'm getting a trophy today

Because I'm not gonna tell you what it is.

Because I've already committed the funds.

Because I've been chewing garlic cloves

Because if there's anything I've learned

Because it's the only thing keeping him from killing us.

Because James rejected you.

Because L. A. is a boy.

Because my emotions are most of who I am.

Because my father told you to!

Because nothing happened.

Because of my toothache.

Because of the moon.

Because Paige is still living with you,

Because people walk all over me.

Because the city won't admit how bad the problem even is.

Because the Fair Housing Act of 1968 says

Because then we can all share ideas.

Because they definitely suggest

Because they're not in your shoes.

Because this is monologue energy.

Because we're on a golf course.

Because you are all very special to me.

Because you can't do that at the office.

Because you can't do this.

Because you have your own movie.

Because you know what I know.

Because your face is fun to throw trash at, of course!

Because your work is my purview.

Because, you know, you have to be subtle with these things.

Because...

Bee do, bee do, bee do!

Before customers get upset.

Before I became a realtor, I did do a bit of acting.

Before she died, she laid it all out.

Before that, I worked to put myself through Georgetown

Before the deadline. Come on, you kidding me?

Before this, I was doing social media for the RNC.

Before we roll out the pilot program.

Before you came to the moon, astronaut.

Ben Williams is nationally ranked

Ben's father worked nights,

Better send those that could be me.

Between the ages of 18 and 25.

Beyonce's dropping some new Ivy Park today.

Billie Eilish's veterinarian.

Boom!

Boomers don't have a year to waste.

Boring. Change the channel.

Both: Corpses can't talk!

Both: Please? Okay. All right.

Both: The hive is always listening.

Bouncing on the balls of your feet,

Boxer briefs. Butter pecan. Simba.

Boy, capitalism so unfair.

Boy, I don't know how you do your day job

Boy, that that is something.

Boy, you know, that mayor looks a lot like the guy

Breathing in, stopping to notice

Brett and I are old friends.

Brett, do you mind if I have a moment alone with Neil?

Brisket Bacon Beef 'n Cheddar sales are up 1200%.

Broom five!

Brown nosing is not what I do best.

Bryce, I will be telling Tulane about this!

Bumble? More like humble. [laughs]

But yeah.

But a bouquet of feet.

But after a hellish morning like we just had,

But also a little off balance

But also a victim. And I should mention,

But also diamonds.

But also I want to know if I'm taller than her.

But around 4:00 a. m., I was still awake,

But at least I'm fighting the establishment.

But before that, I need to holler at you guys

But believe me, we are going to stop this recall petition.

But by the time we were willing to admit that, we had a dog,

But can I have a follow up ask, "Why not?"

But can we drive there separately?

But Carmine Italiano

But don't bother.

But eventually they want more than just cuddling

But evidently, that company just sells dog toys now.

But flirting online is just so different.

But for once, let's throw some wadded up cash at a good cause.

But he just got invited to play at the Olympics,

But he knows you're not looking to get married.

But he's making career decisions because of me?

But how exactly were they trending?

But I am a student of Nixon.

But I am not petty.

But I bet they don't call enough, do they?

But I can do this, right?

But I can't get out of the small talk stage.

But I can't.

But I couldn't help but notice you have two more

But I did get to meet a motorcycle police lady.

But I did not have enough context to get it.

But I do have to get through the rest of these intros

But I have a move up my sleeve

But I have enjoyed this reasonably priced dance

But I just don't know what's normal anymore.

But I just heard Mayor Boomer thinks

But I just wanna make sure you're okay.

But I just watched a long video about

But I keep a monitor lizard in the courtyard.

But I know there's a complainulate.org petition

But I like guys

But I lip sync the whole opening of

But I once saw a Mothman

But I only got, like, 3/4 of the way through

But I saw your phone and you're on dating apps

But I think if we're going to be persistent about it,

But I think we should make time for her.

But I thought you told them you wanted to stay here.

But I will take the card

But I'm going through a lot now.

But I'm not a rest on my laurels guy.

But I'm not gonna let that happen.

But I'm pretty sure that smiling

But I've decided to play the role of "cool auntie,"

But I've gotten a handle on it through daily meditation.

But I've never been this close to glory.

But if it's all you say, the person you're talking to

But if you didn't want to stay, why did you let me take you?

But if you want me to get nail art of your face,

But in some ways, this is a bigger deal.

But it's not the message we're looking for,

But it's so fun for your coworkers to watch you flirt.

But it's the first step towards real solutions.

But it's usually Israel.

But like, shouldn't I play Eleanor Reagan

But Los Angeles is building a space elevator

But monies will be earmarked.

But my team has been cleaning up data from the past year

But my treas hey, I'll eat Hey, hey!

But nevertheless, she persisted.

But no law about being an LA weirdo.

But now he's, like, following me

But now I really just want to focus