Weeds - Season 5 Edit

A Baja federal judge is holding it up.

A black guy, brown fedora, leather jacket.

A croquet mallet?

A cure for depression?

A gringa princess who calls her DEA buddy...

A hundred and eighty six thousand, four hundred and thirty seven ninety six?

A hundred and eighty six thousand...

A life. This life. For you, for me, for our son.

A lot of false promises.

A Mexican baby, but still.

A Mexican gyno?

A mistake that would end the career of a very promising politician.

A mistake.

A note, Nance? Seriously?

A note?

A nurse. In the army.

A person who will not stop until she gets what she wants.

A positive reflection in a floor length mirror.

A pot club.

A professional woman, a doctor, no less...

A self portrait from my blue balls period.

A totally aboveboard and legit retail establishment.

A yeast infection? Seriously?

About 90 percent of you simply don't have what it takes.

About being lesbionic.

About fucking time.

About my hand.

About your arm, life, everything.

Actually, some studies suggest...

Actually, you know what? I'm gonna address that right now.

Adelita is in from Paris to look at colleges.

Adelita wasn't feeling well.

Adelita.

Adelita. Wow, hi.

Adelita's a junkie.

Adios, losers. I am out of here for good.

Admit that you had a crush on him and you were bitter.

After I slam his dick in this drawer.

After the election, we will be man and wife.

After the election, we will be married and be a family.

After the election, we will be married and be a family.

Again again, actually.

Again.

Again. Which leads to the question...

Aging goofball, career in the shit tank. Middle class kid, lost.

Agrestic High.

Ain't no ring on that finger. You're not the wife.

Albatross.

Alight upon me.

Alight upon me.

All babies wanna get born.

All I know is no matter, you know, how much I sacrifice...

All I know is some Mexi cunt screeches at you...

All I know is some stiletto heeled Mexi cunt screeches at you...

All I'm saying is that every time I think shit can't get more fucked up...

All right, all right, I'll play along. Whatever. Okay.

All right, come on, little buddy.

All right, come on.

All right, girls, let's go. Come on.

All right, here's the deal.

All right, I'm big.

All right, mostly it was unlocked.

All right, thanks for calling. Knock yourself out. Bye bye.

All right, then. Let's do this right.

All right, there you are.

All right, well, close the drawer, then, and open your mind.

All right, well, these are mine now, Silas.

All right, well, these are mine now, Silas.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right. I'll let the hospital know we're on our way.

All right. I'll work on it. Come on, baby. I'm working on it.

All right. We need to get you checked in...

Almost.

Already doing the lezzy humor.

Am I wrong about you, Celia?

An abobo, huh? Hoover town? We used to call it "going to Van Nuys."

An artist.

An overblown concept, a fundamental concept...

And a double mastectomy.

And a small house. Few rooms.

And after.

And also, I think I'll be living in that garage for as long as I want.

And Andy's gone catatonic, so, you know...

And breaches in etiquette make me wanna throw things.

And calm. And thank you.

And check it out.

And don't forget to burp him. And sing. He likes that.

And don't forget, I'm giving a 10 percent discount...

And don't start with the fucking Koreans. Bullshit. Bullshit. More bullshit.

And don't take this the wrong way. I do love her. She's my sister.

And drinking legally.

And Esteban gave you a new one.

And food. Mostly shit.

And for doing it all over again with Dad, Jill.

And for making the funeral arrangements for both of them.

And for what, really? Why?

And happy thoughts around me as much as possible.

And have a beautiful, lavish wedding...

And he'll push the transfer through.

And he's constantly banging, like, Britt Ekland or Anita Ekberg.

And he's pretty damn cute. Right?

And he's using my ring.

And his happiness is my happiness.

And Hodes, jerk.

And how do you have a cell phone?

And how often does she hit you, Rodolfo?

And I am selling a shitload.

And I am staying here.

And I am told she has teeth down there.

And I could cooperate.

And I escaped. Heroically.

And I had raw fish.

And I love you.

And I love you. And....

And I never bring my work home.

And I respectfully decline your offer.

And I see you trying to get hard. No way. Flaccid in the acid.

And I support gay marriage.

And I swear, if you tell me they clean my poop...

And I think you'd look better without all that crap on your face.

And I want to extend the pampering experience...

And I will feed you cake.

And I will let it go cheap.

And I would surround myself with nice smells.

And I'm a doctor.

And I'm good at this.

And I'm not talking nickel and dime bags here.

And I'm not talking the fun card counting savant kind either.

And I'm on the bema at the bar mitzvah.

And I'm real. Me, Judah.

And I'm sorry, Jill, that I couldn't be there to help.

And if all goes well, there's a bonus in it for you.

And if success doesn't turn you on...

And if we do not

And if you let them, they'll take everything you have.

And if you screw me on the deal...

And it's "Celia."

And it's 1974.

And it's free, like the eagle.

And just so you know, I'm not doing this for you.

And let it out slowly.

And many people said to say hello.

And married. Again.

And maybe even clean.

And me floating in it.

And me, too, you know, because....

And my nephew.

And neither can I. It's a Gotta go. Bad timing.

And no tequila on the nipple.

And now I am homeless.

And now I'm asking you on a proper, sophisticated jazz date and you pass?

And now we can be married.

And now you'll tell me why.

And on we'll go.

And one for you.

And our breasts press against each other, and

And potentially dismay. And fear that Silas will kill you.

And radiant.

And rats die.

And regret that your true north moral compass...

And she has a point.

And she is just protecting my public image.

And she plays the victim, but she always has time to put mascara on.

And smoking.

And thank you for encouraging me about the election.

And that would be a thumbs up. Good stuff.

And that's a fun place to be a donkey.

And the birth certificate.

And the Chois.

And the Rollerblades.

And then another election and another election and

And then he went away and my life became a bucket of shit.

And then I'll toast your memory from the deck of my beach house.

And then she stopped because it got stuck in there.

And then the other side of Tarzana.

And then Uruguay.

And then we'd lose our new car smell. Wow, GPS.

And then we're done with all this, and we'll be safe.

And then West Germany.

And they want, and they want.

And they'll bloom and flourish and smell good...

And three months later a pickle fell out.

And to be like the G. Ham, I need the tan, man.

And we have a beautiful baby together. So I am here.

And we've been walking for

And weed over greed. Or is it greed over weed?

And what did she promise you? Sex? Money?

And when they cut out your heart, Mom, I think I wanna be there...

And whenever his friends come over, he

And where is our home?

And with such thrust.

And yes, this is incredibly bad timing.

And you are ecstatic.

And you better protect us.

And you can't kill him. If anyone gets hurt...

And you didn't kill your father.

And you do have that nice screen porch back there with a couch.

And you have to love me and treat me nice.

And you know what I said?

And you know what, Silas? I wanna be like this.

And you know what? I'll have a whiskey too.

And you looked good.

And you love me. So I'm here.

And you should peddle something that people want.

And you stuck your penis inside my mother. At least once.

And you will lie back, open your legs and show the doctor I've chosen...

And you would win.

And you, Celia, are not quiet, not calm.

And you, you have all of this pot...

And you're a victim too.

And you're alive.

And you're getting married.

And you're gonna let a little thing like that stand in your way?

And you're how old?

And your chapter is very, very short.

And your cuteness.

And your hurt my kid.

And, hey, God bless.

And, hey, welcome to the villa.

And, Shane, button up, and then we'll go get this checked out.

Andy is giving us his blessings.

Andy just proposed to Audra this morning.

Andy was.

Andy, I don't have anybody else.

Andy, I have a baby.

Andy, I'm not fucking around here.

Andy, let's just go to a hotel.

Andy, me, 89.

Andy, the father of my child, Esteban.

Andy, who's having a baby?

Andy, would you give us a second?

Andy!

Andy?

Andy?

Andy?

Andy?

Andy? A moment of silence, please...

Andy? Buddy? Doing okay?

Andy? Wait. What?

Andy.

Andy.

Andy. Please. I beg you.

Angry, rich white children. You're rich and white. Why so angry?

Another bunny.

Another guard dog.

Another man's baby.

Another?

Anyone else know about the situation?

Anyway, call me, come and see me.

Anyway, I thought maybe you could, you know, tell me a little bit about it.

Anyway, it was a lot of money for a young boy...

Anyway...

Apparently, the presence of underwear...

Apparently, these are the guys her Dad wants her to fuck, so

Are you a closer or a loser?

Are you a closer, or are you a loser?

Are you all right?

Are you drunk?

Are you even listening to me?

Are you joking?

Are you out of your mind? Get away from me.

Are you ready to ride?

Are you really asking me?

Are you really getting married, Andy?

Are you stealing?

Are you sure about this?

Are you watching Shane play soccer? No. Because you fucked that up.

Armored and ready for battle.

As a matter of fact, they are.

As I remember, this car went a hell of a lot faster on the show.

As I see it, yes.

As if I have no life. I mean, I couldn't possibly be doing anything important.

As if I'm running a hotel here.

As we all know now, I am broke...

Ask again later. Better not tell you now.

Ask your mother. She gave orders.

Asked her if she had the right person. "Is this Andrew Botwin?" says she.

Assault on a police officer is a felony.

Assault? Really?

Asshole.

At least get out of the way. Sit down.

At least I'm doing it legal.

At least until she pops and then we flee to Denmark.

At least with you I'll go quick. With her, it's a slow death.

At some point recently, everything became right or wrong.

At the food court. I worked at Hot Dog on a Stick.

Au contraire, I'm on top, and I am staying on top this time.

Away from the Sun Hoos.

Baby on board. Muffin in the muff.

Baby, Andy. Baby, baby, baby.

Baby's fine. A thousand suns in those chubby cheeks.

Badass motherfucker.

Be free.

Beautiful girls in bikinis coming in, asking me for drugs.

Because all I know is some...

Because I hit a nerve one time I slammed into my wrist.

Because I love her, okay?

Because I love you, Nancy. You are what I want.

Because I trust you.

Because I won't do it.

Because I'm Frank Calderon. Internal Affairs.

Because I'm the papa.

Because if it did, then suck that dick, girl.

Because if that was you, then, gee, thanks, you did me a solid.

Because it looked like you were gonna go off the deep end...

Because it's been a long time since I was appreciated.

Because it's cool.

Because my mother always said that if they feed you, go.

Because she doesn't appreciate you.

Because she's my salon buddy.

Because success turns me on.

Because that's what I do when my husband

Because that's what I used to do.

Because they're mine.

Because you got hurt.

Because you'd eat them, and children are super fattening?

Because you're a parent.

Because you're right. I'll kill him. It's what I'm living for.

Because you're the only one I could trust not to get turned on.

Because you're the only person I could find on such short notice.

Before you showed up and shit all over their dreams.

Before.

Began over a girl, Mitzi Sun Hoo.

Being a stubborn Gus.

Bernardo Botwin.

Besides, Doug is helping me. He knows all about running a business.

Besides, you can't negotiate. No one's gonna take a blond man seriously.

Best Buy.

Bet she was a real heartbreaker in junior high.

Bet you spent a couple days banging this chick...

Betrayer. Cockbreaker. How could you do this?

Big baby.

Big buffalo blasting. It says so right on the thing.

Big difference.

Big party at my house, Nancy.

Big showdown coming, Nance.

Bingo.

Birds carry germs. It's a major turnoff for the ladies.

Birthing room.

Bitch ass bitch.

Bitch ass bitch.

Blanca, we're like one of those YouTube videos.

Blighted. Nothing works out for me.

Blitt and I need to close early for inventory.

Blitt, don't go anywhere. I might have an opening.

Bloom is off the rose, huh?

Bluebirds on my shoulders.

Body fully developed. Precocious. Sophisticated.

Bold. Hot.

Bork me, bork me, bork me.

Both of them? Use condoms.

Both of you get dressed. Meet us at the car.

Bottom, top.

Botwin Reyes.

Boys, this is a wholesome town. I grew up here.

Break his heart in ink.

Break his heart in ink. He will understand, if he loves you.

Breast fed both of you.

Broken taillight.

Buddy, you gotta get back on that horse and ride.

Bullshit, it was your shift.

Bullshit.

Bunnies.

Business has been just fine.

But down there, you want a Jew.

But first, business.

But flowers too, yes. Herbs maybe.

But for the other 10 percent, let me just say...

But I do have some delightful heroin.

But I don't have $5000, so

But I don't want to.

But I found out later she had Asperger's.

But I get it.

But I had reconstructive surgery because of a double mastectomy...

But I have errands.

But I mean "really" really. If my name is on this child's birth certificate...

But I was gonna tell you about Yemen.

But I will suffer for my beliefs.

But I'm not here to socialize.

But I'm right here.

But I'm starting to realize my mother gave me lots of bad advice.

But if not, I need to ask you a question.

But it is Southern California.

But it rhymes with "drug" and "hilas."

But it would still be best if you stayed in the background.

But it's a fledgling effort. Jesus, Audra, why you shitting all over my effort?

But our glue is made from sharing, connecting, communicating.

But right now I'm feeling good. I'll take one of everything.

But she always has this expression like she's smelling bad cheese.

But she turned you down, so now you're here?

But that's just because you're cursed with schmuckness.

But the attendant only speaks Bengali...

But this is it. The last time. I really mean it.

But this is too weird for you?

But what if one of us has a really great idea...

But when Esteban dies...

But you love me.

But you might wanna change your clothes.

But you're a fool.

But you're fucking terrified of being ordinary.

But you're not a phony, Mags.

But you've gotta make a compromise too.

Buy a better number.

Buy three full orders and I'll think about it.

Buying some.

By the way, you're grounded. No video games, no tweetering...

Bye, Aunt Jill.

Bye, Gayle.

Bye, then.

Bye.

C.P. came by today.

C.P., I'm trying to run a legitimate business.

C.P.'s retarded. The only reason I used to hang out with him...

Cake?

Call me. I need to talk to you. We need to talk.

Can Andy time be about 15 minutes?

Can I have my old job back at the maternity store?

Can I talk now?

Can we ditch school?

Can we ditch school?

Can we have a second? We're new to extortion.

Can we have a second? We're new to this extortion thing.

Can you check on the baby?

Can you go for a walk or something?

Can you hurry up, please?

Can you just ?

Can you recommend something you've really enjoyed?

Can you see I'm glowing?

Can you tell my mom you'll take care of me?

Can you turn off the light, please?

Can't allow this. Doesn't seem very responsible.

Can't do the only thing I've ever asked her in my whole life.

Can't get our weed without a court.

Can't get weed without a court order.

Can't let that happen.

Can't.

Can't. If I split before the movie ends, the hamsters get ****d with Sharpies.

Cancel the trace. It's bullshit.

Candida. It's a yeast.

Cannot predict now. Don't count on it.

Captain Till, there's a tunnel.

Careful, careful.

Careful, okay?

Cat girl. Oh, God.

Cat, pussy.

Cee Cee sells self esteem in small doses.

Celia, I'm pregnant.

Celia?

Celia?

Celia.

Celia.

Cesar believes he mixed up his medications and wandered off.

Cesar will drive you home in your car, then.

Cesar, another drink.

Cesar?

Chair up, away.

Checkup? No, no, no. A bris, with a mohel and a rabbi.

Children are inconvenient.

Chill out. Look. Pillow wall.

Chocolate cake. Entenmann's.

Christ, I need a car. My fucking feet are killing me.

Christ, that's just sad.

Christ.

Chunkball Fairycake."

Clean money.

Clean yourselves up.

Clear you mind of what?

Clear your mind.

Clearly that would be a waste of time.

Clearly, he can do anything.

Clifford?"

Cocaine?

Coffee.

Cold, creamy treats flavored with drugs.

Cold.

Come here, Sue, you filthy little ghost whore.

Come here.

Come here.

Come on, it's a new life.

Come on, Judah, make me a woman.

Come on, let's get faded.

Come on, Quinn. Enough is enough.

Come on, Shane.

Come on, tough guy.

Come on.

Come on. I thought may It would bring us closer, you know?

Come on. I'm an extra pack mule and I'm bored.

Come on. Is it so out of character?

Come on. Obama's president. They're not gonna bust them anymore.

Comes with a prize.

Comfy couch.

Common business transaction.

Comprendo this.

Confidence. Happiness. Sex.

Conflicting engagement with Ms. Pac Man.

Congratulations.

Congratulations.

Congratulations.

Consider yourself lucky. I'm fucking poison.

Cool, like what?

Cool.

Cool. Thanks.

Copenhagen.

Copenhagen.

Copenhagen. Copenhagen.

Could ? Could you come in here? Yeah.

Could be in Mexico right now surveying my crops.

Could you just bring it to me?

Could you look up...?

Could you maybe shoot me up just once before you go?

Could you put down the bat?

Couldn't put Esteban's name on the birth certificate.

Count me in.

Count.

Couple thousand maybe, if that.

Cover your ears.

Cows go:

Crap.

Cum. Sleep.

Customers from the boba tea place been wandering in here by accident?

Dad would be so proud.

Dad, I'm throwing a six.

Damn it, it was your shift.

Damn right, full order. Fill me up.

Damn. I just died.

Damn. Now that's what I'm talking about.

Daughter of late Mexican industrialist Raul Zuazo.

Dead Mexican!

Dead Mexican!

Dead Mexican.

Dead Mexican. Dead Mexican.

Deal with it.

Dean Hodes. Attorney at law.

Dean Hodes. Legal.

Dean Hodes' office. Please hold.

Dean was supposed to be Willy Loman.

Decide.

Decide.

Deliberate on the topography, chart my path...

Depends if you can help me out. Get my case transferred to Mexico.

Deputy Dog. Took it to heart.

Despite the backwards nature of your convictions...

Despite the enormous hypocritical elephant in the room...

Dick ever buy you a Cartier Panthere watch with double diamonds?

Dick.

Dickhead. Shit brain. Man cunt.

Did Esteban tell everybody?

Did she ask about me?

Did someone else get shot?

Did this all on my own, selling You're Pretty! cosmetics.

Did we do the job?

Did you break an ankle backpedaling that fast?

Did you do that?

Did you enjoy your massage? Candela's magical.

Did you get that birth certificate form all filled out for me?

Did you get to the anal **** scene yet?

Did you hit "save" first? That's a very unstable operating system.

Did you just ask me to live with you?

Did you know that this baby has a one in five chance of being autistic?

Did you like the ring?

Did you put something on those scratches? Like Neosporin?

Did you tell Lupita to give the baby formula?

Did you wanna lick the spatula?

Die, Inky. Die, Blinky.

Digging the hair. You got this whole crazy gypsy thing going on.

Dimes go in the lipsticks. Eights go in the compacts.

Dip them in.

Disproportionate numbers of Nobel Prize winners.

Do I go home? To a motel? Mexico?

Do I have something on my face?

Do I look even to you?

Do it.

Do not make me go back there.

Do not make me go back there.

Do not make me go back there. I have no friends.

Do the criteria for amour ever really change?

Do you ever wish that you could go back...

Do you have a Facebook page?

Do you have a plan?

Do you have a plan?

Do you have any more of that stuff you gave me that made me sleep?

Do you have to cut him up into little pieces before?

Do you know about that?

Do you know Celia Hodes? I just started buying from her.

Do you know how many women are into that?

Do you know that I would even kill for you?"

Do you know that?

Do you know this guy?

Do you know, those guys were so sweet.

Do you like my watch? It's yours.

Do you mind if ?" Why do you think I stopped talking to you?

Do you see ? See my laptop over there? On my desk?

Do you think Pilar set him up?

Do you think that you could allow me to stay in your garage...

Do you think Ulysses S. Grant was stoned...

Do you wanna know what I did tonight?

Do you wanna know why I've never had children?

Do you want to play or not?

Doctor?

Doctor.

Documented.

Does it involve licking my crystal balls?

Does this mean you're gonna help me with my little problem?

Doesn't say anything about a drug kingpin.

Doesn't that feel good?

Doesn't work that way.

Don't Come on. God.

Don't be so serious about everything.

Don't flatter yourself.

Don't get it twisted, mami, I'm still working.

Don't interrupt me, Nancy. It's impolite.

Don't know. Not for lack of effort. I can tell you that.

Don't listen to him. He's high on infatuation.

Don't make fun of my child.

Don't make me come back there. Come on.

Don't make me sit on you.

Don't play cute, Blanca.

Don't really know the word for that either.

Don't tell anyone I was noble.

Don't tell me you wanna be someone else...

Don't think I ever acted or desired to be treated like a big boy.

Don't think you're supposed to blast the bunny.

Don't worry about me, worry about you.

Don't worry, honey. We'll get to that.

Don't worry. Doctor patient confidentiality.

Don't worry. I'll sleep in the guest room.

Don't you dare start feeling sorry for her.

Don't you fucking dare. Okay? I thought you were cool.

Don't you have people to kill?

Don't you have to be 25 feet away, Gayle?

Don't, okay?

Don't.

Don't.

Double scoop of Cripple Ripple Fudge.

Doug Wilson. Finance. Co team leader.

Doug Wilson. Top dog. Big cheese. Head honcho. Grand Poobah.

Doug, if you don't help, you can't come.

Doug. Doug. Thank God you're still here.

Down here, all handguns.

Down on this shelf, empty magazines and grenade shells.

Down, boy.

Downsizing, recession.

Dr. Lehman.

Dr. Teeth.

Dresses you like a maid? Go ahead Dummy No Jobby, finish the story.

Drinking. Not kidding.

Drop the pants. Dunk the Dean nuts.

Dropped out, went into real estate, market tanked, now he's a pot agent.

Eat my balls.

Economic downturns are great for beauty.

Eighths go in the compacts. Half ounces in the eye shadow kit.

Embarrassing.

En garde.

Engorged, it hurts. Please, I need you to suck it out.

Enjoy it.

Enjoy your swim.

Enough!

Entirely your fault.

Especially since I've been dieting.

Especially with the amazing growth on that account. What an asshole.

Estate taxes, probate, drain the whole account.

Esteban and I can never stay mad at each other for too long.

Esteban asked me to marry him.

Esteban feels that you should have the baby here at home.

Esteban has decided to run for governor independently.

Esteban is not on this floor.

Esteban needs you and the baby for photos...

Esteban Reyes?

Esteban Reyes?

Esteban Reyes.

Esteban, I never really imagined I'd be saying this in real life...

Esteban.

Esteban's gonna be heartbroken.

Estupidez, but es on the quiz.

Ever get tired of being a complete joke?

Every day they're having babies.

Every indiscretion.

Every sentence out of your mouth starts, "Would you ? Could you ?

Everybody except for Andy.

Everyone hates me.

Everyone hates me.

Everyone, let's see that plastic.

Everyone, let's see that plastic.

Everything is in front of us. So, just Oh, look.

Everything is lame.

Everything you need will be right here.

Exactly.

Exactly. And we could not risk using the elevator.

Except for Deirdre.

Except maybe that guy.

Exciting.

Excuse me?

Excuse me.

Excuse me. I'm not in the habit of butting in...

Excuse me. Visiting hours are over.

Extortion. Falsifying documents. And that's just for openers.

Face all unrecognizable.

Faggots.

Family that tried to ship my ass to Oakland? Sure. Think that.

Fast cars, rodent ****, summers off. Wow, to be you.

Father is a drug kingpin, which could pose a problem...

Feel free to use it anytime.

Feels like a boy.

Femoral head.

Femoral neck.

Femur.

Fifteen?

Fine, I'll I'll take you.

Fine.

Fine.

Fine.

Fine. Here I come.

Fine. I'll take it myself, boy scout.

Fine. I'm doing fine.

Fine. Jealous.

Fine. Keep your swarthy jihadi. I want Tenly. It's my place too.

Fine. Well, just so you know, I'm not your rebound guy.

Fine. You're a doctor.

Fire sale. I'm out of here. I'm getting out of this business.

First of all, he was delusional.

First, it's better for the baby.

Fish eat dead skin. $45.

Flat. Cliquey. B average. First, more wine.

Food is stupid.

For great.

For now.

For now.

For showing me what I want out of my life.

For sure.

For the family's greater good, of course, right?

For the sake of friendship and success of our business...

For when you...

For you, I mean. For me, it's accurate.

Forget it, I'm going home.

Forget Van Nuys. Keep the baby. It does not matter.

Fornicators!

Fornicators!

Fortunately, my body is a toxic pit.

Four dead bolts...

Four points.

Free samples! Free samples!

Fresh from a spell with some revolutionaries in your country.

From a crescent to a full moon.

From the man who refused to put his name on his son's birth certificate.

Fuck George Hamilton.

Fuck it.

Fuck my kidneys. What did those assholes ever do for me?

Fuck o! Cock breath! Asshole!