Stuck (2022) - Season 1 Edit

A banana was worth pure gold.

A cat, really?

A cat? Do you have the stuff?

A while ish.

About the fucking college band right now, Pete.

Absolute bliss. What even is this?

Actually, I would like to ask you something, Kurt.

Actually, nut wise, I've been meaning to ask,

After everything I've done?

After folding your wings, you became a huge shock,

Agony. These quizzes are for chumps who don't know

Ah, no, I'd better get going.

Ah, no, no, no!

AHHH!

ALARM MELODY ECHOES

All right, all right. Time. Time.

All right, I can do it. I can do it. I'll do it. I'll do it.

All right, Trish. Thanks. Bye. Bye.

All right. Thanks, Kurt. Kids.

All righty. Maybe not.

All snuggly in my bunting as I asphyxiate.

All the money? All the money?

All these years of, like, "Ah, ah, ah" with Kurt.

All this, you know, you and Pat?

Alles klar. Ja.

Also, you're old.

Am I dreaming?

And a spectacular wanger.

And crawls all over my personal possessions?

And everything's totally over.

And I came up with the name and...

And I love my flowers. They're so beautiful.

And I told you before, you can't keep pulling these stunts.

And I'll have a micro salad and a sparkling water. Thank you.

And I'm supporting you by not talking about Dan,

And it's Saturday.

And just can you go and get the kids?

And my green snake ring.

And neck tattoos.

And of course, Carla is talking about squads of children

And realistic, without me, you'd be in jail.

And that we're booked out.

And that went, you know, pretty well.

And that's what you have and there isn't anything else.

And them, there, uh, are frightening, frankly.

And then it goes into this chorus thing, which is...

And then she gave me all this stuff she's throwing out

And then we wonder why we feel crazy.

And then, you know, play with it and then split the take with me?

And there it is. You were exactly like that

And they do nothing real to help us where we suffer

And those awful women. Three quid for a lemon?

And unemployed and sad. And fat.

And we know who to ask.

And we're meditating.

And you really pissed them off.

And you've eaten all my sugar plums. Boo hoo, Your HO ness.

And, well, look at him.

And?

Angry and exhausted... Mm hm. ..and angry.

Any better at all?

Anyone can do it. Even you, you wanker.

Anything for my pimp.

Anyway, he says he might not even come to dinner tomorrow.

Anyway, I'm not talking about him. Yeah?

Anyway, so he goes, and...

Apart from doodling? I just brought... This is what I have.

Apparently, that's what we really want.

Are they not a bit... over the top?

Are you saying you lost all the money, Pete? Don't worry.

Are you talking? Cos I haven't realised.

Are you working already?

Aren't these the most "ooh" things you've ever seen?

Artie told me to do it.

As a reward, a nice glass of Rioja, a little mellow jazz,

As I took all his money.

At Club Woohoo, peaches.

At least in Berlin, we knew who our real friends were.

At least you don't blame me.

At your age, you should still be able to give him a wave.

Aww.

Back in a minute.

Back then in Berlin, a banana. No, no, no, no!

Bam, goodbye.

Be great.

Because I haven't exhaled in, like, six weeks.

Because I think I say some simple human truth they already know.

Because that's not how it is in my family, Pete.

Because this Hayden Quiz really works.

Because, erm...

Because...

Before the dinner party.

Before they have to go outside and fix the space flaps.

Bet you've got a blue plaque over your wanger and everything.

Better match. They better match up, lady.

Between Iceland and Peru.

BIRDS CHIRP

BIRDS TWEET

Bleurgh! Oh, come on.

Bowls, three, big ones.

Breath work's easy when you get the hang of it.

Burning the candle, I guess.

But because you're cheeky, I'll let you have the ring.

But he'd help, though, wouldn't he?

But I've still got free festival bollocks. Mm. Yeah.

But the way they look at you,

But to me, this feels like...

But today we treat ourselves like machines,

But you did make us buy this flat, now it's worth half of fuck all.

But you're not going to ask?

But you're winning. You said you keep winning.

But, erm...

Bye, Sam!

CABINET DOOR CREAKS

Call me.

CALMING MUSIC PLAYS ON PHONE

Can I be honest?

Can I get that back now?

Can I have also have a salad, please?

Can we do that, um...

Can we just not talk for just a minute, please?

Can we talk?

Can you still get a good look at yours?

Candles, some quality time with your testicles.

CARLA CHUCKLES

Carla is our saviour.

Carla keeps talking about cats.

Carla, they... CARLA CHUCKLES QUIETLY

Carla? Carla.

CAT MEOWS SOFTLY

CAT MEOWS, CARLA SIGHS

Charming everyone to death, are you? Yeah, I'm looking good.

Cheeky spliff?

Chips.

CHIRPING ECHOES

CHUCKLING: You're looking at me like I'm a crime scene.

City rain not windy enough?

Clever old Joy.

Clue, it begins with the letter ass. Meow! What?

Clueless.

Come and get your bubbles.

Come home.

Come home. Come home.

Come on, now. Five minutes.

Come on, then!

Come on. Seriously? I thought that would be...

Come on. The internet is hardly the Stasi.

Come on. Who are we?

Coming right up.

Consult thy fridge.

Cos he sits there squinting at the cards all night.

Cos I'm a fucking visionary.

Cos I'm ready for collapsing.

Cos I've got to meditate.

Cos I've got to sort these emails out or else I'm gonna lose my job.

Cos you're a prick.

Could be a fib.

Could you write me a script for, like, a week? Is that possible?

Couple more years and I'll be out of this fucking game.

DAN CACKLES So fantastic.

DAN GROANS

Dan used to write jingles for ads. Did you get any bread?

Dan, I'm trying to stay positive.

Dan, you don't have a job.

Dan!

Dan! It's Dan. Come in.

Dan.

Dan.

Dan's here.

Dan's here.

Daniel Sands. How are you?

Daphne.

Declan enjoyed how small it was.

Did I? When?

Did somebody buy us? Yeah, Susan Fortuna.

Did you get some toast?

Did you know this struggle made us all tough?

Do it. Go on. I'll wire you the money today.

Do it. Love to.

Do the monster! What are you talking about?

Do you have any money?

Do you have delight in your life?

Do you love me?

Do you love me? Yeah.

Do you love me? Yes.

Do you mind not smelling the jars?

Do you think the Americans are going to be upbeat?

Do you think you might have something to take the edge off...?

Do you want a burger?

Does that make sense? Done. OK.

Dog or cat?

DOG WHIMPERS Daphne, what?

Don't even say that.

Don't go, don't go.

Don't go.

Don't take it personally.

Don't worry about it.

Don't worry.

DOOR OPENS Hello, I'm home.

DOORBELL Yanks.

Dr Pete Cosmos. Please leave a message.

Enjoy.

Er, listen, about the other thing, you know, the tranqs.

Everybody loves sausage fountain, especially you.

Everybody's very light on teeth.

Everyone's fucking losing it.

Everyone's just giving me things cos they realise how amazing I am.

Everything in here kills you.

Explain to me,

Eyes closed. Promise.

Facebook and the rest,

Fight that fight.

Fight without a fight.

Finally.

Fine. How many job offers you got?

Fire squad.

Fish permits.

Five fucking minutes.

Five million?!

Five years. I'll be square with you in five years.

Five.

Fix their lives!

Follow me.

For Joy's dinner party tomorrow night.

For lunch?

For these kind of pizza burger hybrid things.

For where?

Four and a half grand. Wow, that is brilliant.

Freeze.

From the wicked sisters.

Fuck soup.

Fuck, I'm definitely coming.

Fuck, yeah.

Full marks all round for maturity.

Gave me the rest of the day off!

Genes, family, some other losers.

GERMAN ACCENT: Back then, behind the wall,

Get back or a Taser comes.

Get back. That was for surveillance snacks.

Get chips then. No chips.

Get her cat. What?

Get naked and sing The Beatles.

Get off! Get off! Get off.

Get the tea.

GIGGLING

Give me that. I'll have that.

Give us a shout.

Give us the pasta.

Go and get those cute pineapples.

Go on, you just come over and sit on me?

Goddamn. Noah's going to need a bigger boat.

Going to be one crazy hot corpse, girlfriend.

Gone. All gone.

Good, bad, we're moving?

Google and the rest, they own our arses.

Got a great hook for that burger song.

Got a nice swish interview raincoat, now, you know,

Got a pair of wellies.. Hello.

Got everything?

Great. Thanks. Later.

GRUNTS

Guess how much I won.

Guess not.

Guess what?

Guess which part of me I've been chewing for a day and a half.

Guy I beat at cards last night looks a bit like you.

Ha ha! Look.

Ha! You're all stuck!

Had.

Hating your guts.

Have a bacon sandwich.

Have a good one.

Have you got anything tighter?

Have you got everything you need?

HE CHUCKLES OK.

He clocks his friends. And we go, "Hello...

HE DIALS

HE GRUNTS

HE GRUNTS

HE GRUNTS

He helps a lot of people!

He is a spoon, lodged in a rub of merde.

He just trusts nothing.

HE LAUGHS AWKWARDLY Need a coat?

He looked at the card and then right into me like I was a mirror

HE PANTS

He refuses to believe that it's because,

HE SIGHS

HE SNEEZES

He's at dinner. Then he clocks his friends.

He's been watching your shit a long time. Yeah.

He's such a fucking purist about everything.

Heh heh. Got to keep you pretty, boy.

Hello, you're fucking delicious.

Her own business, a big fuck off house.

Here in our real lives.

Here.

Hey up, you've pulled.

Hey, can I ask you a personal question?

Hey, Carla, wait. Hang on.

Hey, Carla. Got to go.

Hey, come on! I have these.

Hey, how are you doing?

Hey, I'm a natural.

Hey, let's become bakers and wear dungarees.

Hey, look, we're doing it.

Hey, Mickey.

Hey, no hiding.

Hey, remember this?

Hey, the quiz actually works.

Hey?

Hey? Mm.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey. Hey, Theo.

Hey. Hey. Bye!

Hey. Hey. Hi.

Hey. Hi. Yeah, let go of the ceiling.

Hey. Oh, there you are.

Hey. So you're the singer.

Hey. Where are you? I've been waiting for ages.

Hey. Where are you? You said you were hiding.

Hi there.

Hi, Joy. Hi. Carla...

Hi, kitty.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi. How's it going?

Hmm, I thought maybe you could, uh, give me some advice.

Hmm?

Honestly, here's to being busy.

Hop it.

Hot dogs. Get your hot dogs here.

How about that? No.

How about weed?

How about you use my severance?

How are you? I'm really good. How are you?

How come you asked about it?

How come you don't just ask him?

How long you two been together?

How will you decide?

How?

How's it going?

How's that go again? Ooh!

Huge outfit.

Hurry up. Oh, why bother?

Hurt me and pay me.

I am in jail.

I am, apart from the usual plasters,

I barely manage my bowl of Tosty Frots...Frosty Tots.

I bet he loves your stuff.

I bet he never orders the chips.

I bet you're wearing, like, ten pairs of knickers.

I can't help it.

I can't remember.

I can't. Crazy busy.

I cannot pretend to care

I couldn't get the stuff.

I couldn't protect you.

I don't even know why I'm talking to you anyway, maniac,

I don't have a single one with a bear.

I don't have the time now to redo all this.

I don't know. Tell me. How much?

I don't know. What do you...what do you think?

I don't want to listen to you complaining.

I get it.

I got to say, babes,

I got us kurvival sits.

I had it in a muffinette.

I had to go and find clothes for the larger cupped man.

I hate sick people.

I hate the curtains.

I have debts.

I haven't! You've eaten them all!

I heard somewhere guests bring chocolate or wine.

I hope it's all right. Of course it's all right.

I just realised. What? What?

I just thought that was so... The way you bridged it.

I just thought we could hang out in your downtime, which is never.

I just want a van of Black Forest gateau to rear end my face.

I just want to be left alone!

I just waxed my moustache.

I keep doing that.

I keep meaning to meditate but...

I keep telling you.

I knew that.

I know even in a fur coat and everything.

I know. I mean, we're totally booked out, like,

I landed on my face.

I like this one. Yeah.

I look like I know shit.

I love "my fridge", by the way. That's brilliant.

I love you guys. This one is moving.

I love you.

I mean, he's very charismatic.

I mean, I don't have anything else because people people have...

I mean, I'm not blaming you, Dan,

I mean, it, it, it looks good on you.

I mean, it's just a shack, but, hey, it's in the woods.

I mean, it's like the latest war.

I mean, survival kits.

I mean, their emails are fine, but for all I know,

I mean, we...

I mean, we'd be lost without our fixer.

I mean, you're just here grooving.

I might send you one.

I need a peace offering. Something good.

I need the money. Hmm.

I promise that I'll be...

I really am fucking freaking out.

I really like Maya.

I rode a bus.

I should go freelance again.

I shouted, he shouted.

I smell of cats. Meow.

I spiral fractured about 18 of my fingers.

I take it you'll be teasing me deliciously

I think I'm actually dead.

I think we'll have to try them all, obviously.

I thought you were joking.

I thought, it's the second best thing that's ever happened to me.

I told you, it could go either way.

I understand.

I understand.

I want a cat.

I want a proper meal,

I want stuff we don't need.

I want to eat it.

I want to hold your kur fluffen hausen.

I want you to walk out to your garden, put your hands

I was just thinking, you know, it could be...

I will do it.

I wrote a song about you.

I... Half the rate, whatever, you know, because what I'm saying

I...really

I'd love to.

I'll be better once the Americans have come to dinner

I'll fix that today, deffo.

I'll get three jobs by teatime.

I'll go and check.

I'll have them tomorrow. Or next week.

I'll have to go down to the Evil Forest.

I'll meet you at the little bridge.

I'll put it there.

I'll tax you flees! Up the Republic!

I'll wait till after the funeral.

I'm a hard working princess

I'm a musician.

I'm a sausage!

I'm actually going to call the station now.

I'm around. I am... I am just around.

I'm asking you, Kurt.

I'm coming. I'm coming.

I'm fine.

I'm freezing and dying here.

I'm going to hide out in the hills. SHE CHUCKLES

I'm gonna eat you! I'm gonna bite all your toes off!

I'm holding something that was alive in the '70s.

I'm in a thing right now. I'm in a...

I'm in the middle of this huge row with Maggie.

I'm just looking after it for neighbour.

I'm just so tired.

I'm just, you know... Yeah. Tired and annoyed. I understand.

I'm king of Vesuvia.

I'm not asking Declan for anything.

I'm not going to see him till Monday. Arsehole!

I'm ready.

I'm really good, thank you.

I'm so in, all right? I'm totally in. I'm... I'm...

I'm so tired. Yeah.

I'm sorry I've been so stressed about looking for work.

I'm sorry, it does wash off.

I'm sure Maya's got you covered. How's she doing?

I'm sure you're much happier here, by the jelly tots.

I'm thrilled it's cancelled, to be honest.

I'm trying to stay positive. Mm hm.

I'm veggie. Veggie, yeah?

I'm working very hard right now to stay on top of my shit, OK?

I've been looking for that for years.

I've got to get to Liverpool tomorrow, so...

I've got to go downtown, but I can... Oh, my God...

I've got to go. It's a dogfight out there.

Ich dich?

If I'm at work all day,

If my granny were here, she'd say, "Fuck him.

If they see us, we're going to go to delicatessen jail.

If you are going down to the Magic Forest...

If you do any more deep breathing, you're going to swallow your eyes.

If you had any idea what love was, you'd have bought me a cat by now.

If you want to wake up with a nose full of crisps.

In a woolly hat in the cupboard the other day.

IN DETECTIVE VOICE: You had a bath.

In fact, I remember the date.

IN FILM NOIR DETECTIVE VOICE: The dead body's in the library.

In great, rollicking spasms.

IN ROUGH COCKNEY: Whoa, fucking hell, whoa.

In the usual swoony back to front pants and dead bear T shirt?

In the whole wide world.

Incredible dancer, though. Incredible.

Inside... What, the muffins, the muffinettes?

Into the trees and then... Freeze!

Is I'm available, you know?

Is that my severance?

Is that your innuendo?

Is there a sandwich? If there's a sandwich, I'll have a sandwich.

Is this a test?

Is this it, just me flat out and you just farting about

Is this it, though?

Isn't this just perfect?

It could be a really bad idea, so...

It could be High Wycombe all over again, all right?

It could go either way, you know? I mean, I'm very good...

It craps its own weight ten times a day.

It doesn't matter.

It was amazing.

It was me. SHE CHUCKLES, HE FAKE LAUGHS

It was pretty good.

It would all be over.

It'd be good, you know? Tomorrow morning, I walk in by the river,

It'll give me something to laugh about when Joy and Kurt get here.

It'll help psychologically.

It'll pass. You'll numb up in no time.

It's a dumb joke.

It's about pleasure. It's about living, Dan.

It's all part of being a normal, healthy piece of shit.

It's all right. I...

It's been really lovely. Hm.

It's between you and the marmalade.

It's great for business.

It's happening right now.

It's just a bit of hummus. Just a bit of hummus,

It's just a really quick kind of casual chat.

It's just I'm...

It's just never enough.

It's killer.

It's like really clever shit.

It's like they know something.

It's never enough.

It's nice? It's very nice.

It's not living. Says who?

It's so fantastic.

It's the Yanks!

It's time to say goodbye.

It's very handy.

It's walls coming at me all the time, OK? Like in the park,

It's worse.

Jealousy.

Jesus!

Jesus.

Jesus. Joy is always accidentally bending his spoons.

Jodi makes a start on the icing...

Joy has given me the keys to her place in the woods.

JOY LAUGHS

Joy?

Joy.

Just get caterers, you rich cow!

Just get me some chips, you useless skank.

Just have a salad on the weekend.

Just pay me, you motherfucker.

Karma. That's what this is, for being a dick.

Keep talking to me like that,

Kids, back to bed. Up, up, up, up.

KIDS: Freeze!

Know why I came up with that name? Why, Pete?

Kurt gives me advice.

Kurt? Yes, darling? Come and help me with the champagne.

LAUGHING: That one's trying to eat the other one.

LAUGHTER

LEAVES RUSTLE

Lentils? What else?

Let me see. I don't have...

Let's get you all spaffed up downtown.

Let's put lots and lots and lots of things

Like 3050.

Like a proper nightmare.

Like an inferno, in a tornado, in a hurricane.

Like an old fart, is that it?

Like people, you know?

Like the sea.

Like, maybe a diagnosis of some sort.

Like, when am I going to have a kid?

Like, when are we going to get out of here?

Like...

Listen, erm, these pills.

Listen, I'll get that for you as soon as I can, OK?

Listen, Pete, do you have anything you can give me, anything?

Listen, Scarface, what's for dinner?

Literally everywhere.

Look at you. Is it weird that I want to eat it?

Look, he's got five million followers now.

Look, it was under your penis.

Look, pour your heartless marmaladey arse downstairs,

Look. For me?

Lose a little weight.

Love buffet getting cold.

Lunch, yeah. Lunch.

Lying there, full of chips.

Lying's more manly.

Mad about her, or was it...?

Maggie's in bed.

MAN: Tea.

Maturity? Mm.

Maya said she'd come, help me. It's fine.

Maya, no?

MAYA: Running a bath, OK?

Maya's the singer.

Maybe he just likes all my stuff.

Maybe my yayas could ping out when I say hi.

Maybe today.

Maybe you don't want to be alive.

Maybe you'll allow yourself to live.

Maybe.

Me? No, I don't... I don't eat eggs.

Meditation, breathing, everything.

Meow.

Mm, a little bit.

Mm, and I've got to finish that quiz later.

Mm, uh, yeah, sure.

Mm.

Mm. I still have the welts. Yeah, well, it came back

Mm. Shallow technique, by the look of him.

MOBILE PHONE ALARM CONTINUES

MOBILE PHONE ALARM CONTINUES HE GRUNTS

MOBILE PHONE ALARM TINKLES

MOBILE PHONE ALARM TINKLES FAINTLY

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

MOBILE RINGS I saw your face in everyone. Oh, shit, hang on, here we go.

More delicious than each other. Maya.

More money to jail you in empty choices?

Morning, I'm a cat.

MUMBLING: Tea. Tea, Dan.

Muscles, brain, wazoo, everything.

MUSIC CONTINUES

MUSIC FADES IN

MUSIC STOPS

MUSIC: Blauer Montag by Mary Roos

MUSIC: Egypt Strut by Salah Ragab and the Cairo Jazz Band

MUSIC: Felony by The Allergies

MUSIC: Needn't Speak by Rudimental ft Lianne La Havas

My God, they're on time, the freaks! They are.

My granny would say, "Just take deep breaths.

My Johns will be fairly niche.

My lipstick. Oh, but you do it!

My moobs and I are getting into a hole in the ground.

My throat is wrecked. Yeah?

Need your pipe or your periscope for anything?

Nein. Keinen bananan Berlinen.

Neither do I.

Nellie, who keeps talking about us getting married.

Neo Nazi Ice Trucker Wife Swap or something.

Nice muscle relaxant, tide you over.

Night vision goggles and a claw hammer. Come on.

No fun.

No one wins.

No rings of any kind.

No rush, all right? Oh, can you get some bread? Bye.

No shit? You only her five times.

No way. But they have all the nice things.

No way. Just straight on?

No wonder, they're all delicious.

No, I am disgusting.

No, I lied.

No, no, VIPs only today.

No, Pete. I'm asking you, you know? I'm...

No, Pete. No, no.

No, the rates are whatever.

No, they're not. Yes, they are.

No, we don't even need anything.

No!

No.

No.

No. He's my brother.

No. Mm hm.

No... OK. Sorry.

Nobody move.

NORMAL VOICE: Yay, OK, let's go get you a magic expandable bra.

Not freestyle fridge surfing.

Not now, obvs. Obvs.

Not threatened by him, are you?

Nothing.

Now huge loves!

Now I can crawl on top of you,

Now they live in there, with walnuts.

Now you haven't even got a job and you're freaking out.

Now.

Obviously can't get you out of his head.

Obviously, a dictator with two moustaches.

Obviously.

Of cereal, and you're blaming me.

Of course, yeah. Thank you. Just a minute.

Off our heads, like before.

Off our heads.

Oh, an ex?

Oh, can't you get Carla to massage your aura?

Oh, come here.

Oh, come on.

Oh, come on. Don't wait up!

Oh, come on. I hate going down there on my own.

Oh, Daphne.

Oh, don't you just want to live in them?

Oh, finally.

Oh, God, who's...?

Oh, God!

Oh, God!

Oh, God.

Oh, God. I am trebly tired.

Oh, have another.

Oh, here's a big one.

Oh, hey, Carla, wait.

Oh, I owe you a coffee.

Oh, it's Joy. I've got to get this.

Oh, it's nice.

Oh, lefty's looking very chunky.

Oh, my God, I haven't had weed in ages, mate.

Oh, my God, my robe.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. I've been dreaming of the woods.

Oh, my God. What?

Oh, no way. That deli with all the bulging shit and the jumpers

Oh, no, have I got mansoobs?

Oh, no.

Oh, shh! Come on. Sorry.

Oh, shush.

Oh, shut up, what have you got so far?

Oh, sorry.

Oh, stop.

Oh, stop.

Oh, that's an omelette. Mm.

Oh, that's juvenile bullshit.

Oh, that's nice!

Oh, this is good.

Oh, well done.

Oh, what is it? I'm too old? I have no job? What?

Oh, wow. You're so the best at freezing.

Oh, yeah, Jamal. Yeah, total party animal. Amazing dancer.

Oh, you got me.

Oh, you gotta be kidding me.

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh. And then I really, really, really want lasagne,