The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas Edit

A ballerina?

A bunch of crazies break into my house tonight,

A chicken shit sheriff in a chicken shit town.

A feller could ask a girl to dance,

A flame about three feet high.

A sock? Yeah.

A year with you is like a minute of sheer happiness.

About signin' that petition to keep her open!

About the other night.

About this and other cases.

Admit that they put less peanuts

Aggies have the ball, second down at eight.

Ah!

Ah! Well, she didn't. I was out there earlier this evenin'.

Ah.

Ah.

Ah. I'm glad I was late.

Aha. I'm sorry, Ed Earl.

Ain't that funny? All this time Miss Mona

Ain't that the truth.

All I'm askin' for is for you to give me a little cooperation

All mornin' long. Sheriff's office.

All right, take this!

All right!

All right! Come along!

All right! Hey, boys!

All rolled up like a Jimmy Dean sausage.

All this publicity's makin' folks think twice

All we wanted to do was keep it quiet.

Already in the legislature, while traditionalists and fundamentalists

Already this bumper sticker is beginning to appear around the state.

Also held a press conference explaining his involvement.

Although petitions are being circulated to save the Chicken Ranch,

Amen to that, Ed Earl.

An eyesore, a fire hazard, I would close it down!

And after we see who wins, we put up the orange or the maroon.

And again, the Longhorns' break is stopped.

And aimed to keep it that way.

And all of this bad publicity's flat ruinin' business.

And all of your big dreams of goin' to the legislature.

And as much as I'd love for it to work,

And coffee over at Dulcie Mae's cafe.

And get those cameras and the rest of that crap off the street.

And give them a little bad publicity

And he actually called my name on television.

And he was a big influence on me,

And he was a heck of a speaker.

And how about Austin? Why, two blocks from the state capitol,

And I became the Sheriff.

And I can only say, as the most dedicated

And I can tell when somebody's peein' on my boots

And I can't go changin' now.

And I figured your phone was out, because...

And I know you're gonna do a real good job in the legislature.

And I saw that Melvin P. Thorpe and a bunch of other fellers

And I think you still could be a ballerina if you wanted to be.

And I thought you might try that on for size.

And I'll take it out back as soon as we're finished.

And I'm proud to have it in my district.

And I'm runnin' a bit behind time.

And I'm talkin' full nuts. I'm not talkin' a half nut,

And I've lived here all my life.

And if they don't do that, they'll run to other women and get diseases!

And it don't make money. Beatrice?

And it was a sorry day for Lanville County.

And it wasn't poultry.

And just get drunker than Cootie Brown?

And Langston downtown is gonna sell the rest.

And makin' civic contributions,

And mighty useful, if you get my meaning.

And Miss Mona, she's gonna get hers, too.

And neither did Miss Wulla Jean's strict set of rules.

And nobody gives me advice!

And now, our own Melvin P. Thorpe Singers.

And now, the Watchdog man himself.

And people can't. Now why is that?

And placed there to harm my reputation and good name.

And potential customers,

And pretty soon it just clears out of the air.

And pretty soon they'd get a little business goin'.

And quiet.

And sayin' "yee haw!"

And she insisted that each girl

And she moved there with her girls from over

And so, as feminists line up behind the bill

And tellin' me it's a rainstorm.

And that one there, there...

And that's a hell of a lot of overhead

And that's close the place down before

And that's how the place got its name.

And the man who turns his back on her illegal operation

And the mayor and the people of my county that voted for me,

And the people of Texas, well, they got what they wanted.

And the principals are not talking.

And then you can let your regular customers...

And they got what they wanted.

And they look like it.

And they shape up faster than goose shit slides through a tin horn.

And they was all headed out towards the Chicken Ranch.

And they're gonna be out there lookin' for women.

And to hell with what Melvin P. Thorpe says!

And wash him off with soap and warm water.

And we are closed down.

And we broke a 30 share.

And we had some tough ones. Right in front of my car!

And we have seen an amazing ball game.

And what kind of pay off you're acceptin' to protect

And what's goin' on is evil, immoral,

And when I start the music, I want you Dogettes to start with me, brisk!

And you even use that little boy of hers

And you wanna know what the law's gonna do about that?

And... Thank you. Thank you very much.

Announcin' it straight out on TV.

Another legend, the legend of the Chicken Ranch.

Anticommunist in the state legislature,

Anyway, just about the time he became sheriff,

Anyway, the mayor was thinkin' maybe

Apres vous!

Are you listenin' good?

Are you serious, Ed Earl?

Aren't you afraid of possible pay offs and bribes?

As a newsman, I have First Amendment protection.

As the Sheriff of Lanville County,

At least, so I've been told.

At the capitol today, the Governor made no statement,

At the Chicken Ranch?

Attaboy!

Aw, come on, Ed Earl. For me.

Aw, no, thank you. That stuff always tears up my stomach.

Aw, shit!

Aw, shit.

Aw, you paid $20 for these?

Be better to do it as soon as possible.

Be careful of the box.

Be like puttin' two bowling balls in a marble bag.

Because I wear the badge in this county!

Because there's a hook in there that's gonna

Because they have a his 'n' hers sexy department at Frederick's

Before they leave. Good seein' ya.

Ben Sawtuck bought all my furniture and fixtures

Billy Joe, light switch.

Both of us are interested in protectin' the public.

Boy, I sure didn't know you had dreams that big.

Boy, you sent him hightailin'. I was so proud of you!

Boys, boys! That was the greatest victory

Boys, I got myself a pretty good bullshit detector.

Braggin', braggin', braggin'.

Brazen and against the law!

Brewin' about three days before.

But actually, the real trouble started

But before you closed down the Chicken Ranch,

But he's a sensationalist, Ed Earl.

But here in the town of Gilbert,

But I do believe I can fill it out.

But I don't believe that.

But I don't know what to do now.

But I figure there's only one thing left to do.

But I haven't made that decision yet! Good.

But I read the Bible. I believe in Jesus.

But I've thought about this for a long time.

But if you was to marry me...

But it didn't faze Ed Earl.

But it wasn't always easy in them days to come up with hard cash.

But it's gonna always be just like it is.

But it's not what my people want.

But just like you don't want to mess with the Chicken Ranch,

But let's not confuse crime with committin' a sin.

But never in an unladylike way.

But now everything's openin' up.

But one thing I ain't never seen, man nor woman, is a grown up.

But Senator Charles Wingwood,

But that don't mean they don't feel it in their heart.

But the Chicken Ranch loses, 42 to 37, with 21 % undecided.

But the law is the law!

But the moment her luck ran sour, you want to run out on her.

But there's nothin'.

But there's one thing you can't do and that's broadcast gutter talk on TV.

But these afternoons with you have got to top the list.

But they heard it in their livin' room.

But think of the people out there.

But this is serious! Honey.

But we can't just sit around here waitin' to grow tits!

But we're gonna beat this thing. I ain't worried about it.

But when I was gettin' me some sexy things, I thought about you,

But with television broadcasting this from hell to breakfast,

But you know, Jesus was really good

But you show up with your TV camera

But... Governor! Governor...

By communists or communist sympathizers

By their alumni association.

Bye.

Bye.

Call the Sheriff! It's that Melvin P. Thorpe sucker!

Calm down, Rufus! It can't be as bad as all that.

Can you believe that man?

Can you dig it?

Can't it wait?

Careful.

Check her gentleman for the clap

Clear.

Close it down!

Close it down! She was just fine as long as she was bringin' in the money

Come in.

Come on in, Fred!

Come on over here and give me a little lip lock.

Come on over here. I'd like you to meet my girls.

Come on, boys!

Come on, boys! We gotta leave.

Come on, Deputy Fred!

Come on, Ed Earl!

Come on, move this thing! I'll get you for this.

Come on, Rufus! I'll make some phone calls.

Come on!

Come on! Look who's here.

Come on. No!

Come on. One itsy bitsy peek?

Come to think of it, I'd love to do an interview with you.

Comin' in here, takin' pictures, invadin' my privacy,

Congratulations!

Consumer advocate Melvin P. Thorpe,

Cool reasonin', he used to tell me, could solve any problem.

Course he did have a bit of a temper.

Course, he sure did know his job,

Course, now, you can't say the same, can you?

Cussin' sheriff of Lanville County.

Cut! All right, now, stay with me, boys.

Cut. Come on.

Dad gum it, Ed Earl! If you ain't a pluperfect fool!

Damn it, C.J.! You pious pissant.

Damn it!

Damn it! You gave me your word!

Damn nonprofit recreational facility.

Damn! I thought when the Sheriff went

Damn. That man is crazier than a peach orchard sow.

Dawn?

Deputy Fred. I want you to hold down the fort for a while.

Did I say illegal? Yes, I did!

Did you get any of that?

Didn't he tell you that?

Didn't I? Yeah.

Didn't you hear what I said?

Didn't you know about that, Miss Mona?

Do we have to wear these ball gowns again?

Do you catch my drift?

Do you know he wears a sock in his underwear?

Do you know we are in the middle of a worldwide sexual revolution?

Doin' pleasure with you, Charlie.

Don't be too hard on him. He loves you.

Don't feel sorry for me.

Don't get your back up!

Don't I always?

Don't let your mother see you do that.

Don't move. Be right back.

Don't touch that dial! This is Melvin P. Thorpe

Don't you know nothin' about the Bible?

Don't you talk to me about trust! I trusted you to protect me!

Don't you threaten me. I'm tellin' the truth, and you know it!

Don't you worry about a thing, honey.

Doreen! Get my heart pills!

Down in Houston.

Drag your ass to a wedding chapel.

Economic asset to the community.

Ed Earl, I am givin' you my word.

Ed Earl, I believe the thing for you to do is

Ed Earl, I paid $20 for these, plus postage. And I want you to wear it.

Ed Earl, now, you can set up speed traps to catch the tourists.

Ed Earl, please don't go doin' something stupid you're gonna be sorry for!

Ed Earl, that man has made a fool out of you.

Ed Earl, you better turn on Channel 4.

Ed Earl?

Ed Earl.

Ed Earl's up in the state legislature now,

Eloise, honey?

Enough of this pussyfootin', Governor.

Especially Ed Earl.

Even governors who can remember what a great institution it is.

Evenin', Sheriff.

Everybody liked Ed Earl,

Everybody's talkin' about it.

Everything's gonna be fine, Mona.

Everything's gonna turn out just fine.

Everything's gonna turn out slicker than cat shit

Excuse me, Ed Earl. I gotta go.

Feel like the country dog in the city.

Fine...

First thing. First thing is you're standin' in Lanville County,

Fly around.

Folks been jumpin' on me

For a report, here is Jeff Gerald in Gilbert, Texas.

For money that you can get in Tangier!

For one of your all night stag parties over at the Legionnaire Hall.

For one reason or another.

For that sincere and heart warming ovation.

For the decriminalization of prostitution

For your deputies down at the gate.

Found it necessary for me to close it down,

Get away!

Get him, Sheriff.

Get out of the way!

Get outta here! Move this thing!

Get this.

Get you and your singin' chorus the hell out of town!

Gettin' in and out of my clothes.

Girl, that's the best idea you had all year. When we gonna do this?

Give it two months. What's two months?

Give me that. Now.

Go get him, Sheriff!

Go into training right now. Just start jumpin' up and down.

God almighty.

God damn it, Mona, you're makin' me mad!

Goin' out to the Chicken Ranch, was he?

Good mornin'.

Good morning, Jewel.

Good neighbors, we're about to enter the whorehouse itself.

Good people of Gilbert, may I have your attention, please?

Good. You know it's always a business

Goodbye, Jewel.

Goodbye, Rita.

Goodbye, Sheriff.

Got all out of hand if it hadn't been

Got no peckers?

Governor, do you plan to take action against the Chicken Ranch?

Governor, if the citizens who elected me

Governor, what do you think of the crisis in the Middle East?

Governor! Governor.

Governor! Yeah.

Governor? I have Sheriff Dodd from Gilbert

Governor. I know I'm way out of line comin' up here like this,

Great God from Goldsboro!

Happy Thanksgiving. You want a drink?

Has a report on the late night news.

Have to roll down your socks to shit!

Have you seen the evidence of the disgraceful situation

He ain't gonna be able to stop it this time, is he?

He came right in her house, set right down at the foot of her bed.

He don't know how to fight 'em.

He don't see anybody!

He drove over to Meritsville. He'll be gone all afternoon.

He drove up last night.

He just buckled up his legs and sat right down!

He just walked over to that jackass and laid down the law.

He knows I was kiddin'.

He made the makers of the Peanut Delight candy bar

He made them change their ways.

He shows up with his TV cameras every time a consumer has a complaint.

He sure as hell ain't gonna hear about it from anybody in this room.

He sure is wound up.

He tipped me off that Melvin P. Thorpe's

He used to like to run a quiet town,

He wants a meeting right away.

He was always bein' very sociable.

He went to this big weddin' once and they ran out of wine.

He'll be along.

He'll be happy to hear that.

He'll see me.

He's a menace to the business community.

He's been here since early this morning and is very insistent.

He's gettin' some pictures for a piece on the late news tonight.

He's gonna be real disappointed!

He's gonna kick that boy's ass.

He's got a lot of influence out there.

He's got a new show now, a half hour once a week,

He's got a whole posse of TV cameramen. You better come take a look.

He's just a good old boy that ain't never gonna grow up.

He's that crazy consumer advocate.

He's that feller that put the peanuts back in the chocolate bar.

Held a press conference this afternoon.

Hell, he wants to go national!

Hell, Miss Mona, I didn't think you'd remember.

Hell, you can even let Miss Mona run her place out there!

Hell! That calls for a drink.

Hello, Dulcie Mae. You know Miss Mona.

Hello?

Henry. Lights. Light switch.

Here goes, and may God forgive me!

Here in Houston, he's becomin' a regular Texas attraction.

Here they are, Governor. What you've been waitin' for.

Here's your receipt. Thank you, Rita.

Hey, boys!

Hey, boys! I think you'll find

Hey, Deputy Fred. Morning, girls!

Hey, I like that.

Hey, look! Did you see that shootin' star?

Hey, Miss Mona.

Hey, Sheriff.

Hey!

Hey. All right! Hey, come on.

Hi, Jerry.

Hi, Sheriff. This better be important.

Hi!

High ratings. Lots of letters. He doesn't listen to anybody.

Hit it.

Hold my jock! You can't handle the job!

Hold this.

Holy shit!

Holy shit! Oh, my God, that man's crazy!

Honey, we see everything in this profession.

Hooray! Aha!

Hospital fund, new swimmin' pool, even the Little Leaguers.

Hot damn!

Hot damn.

How are you doin', Deputy Fred?

How are you, Sheriff?

How can I ask her to leave when all I want her to do is stay?

How could what he's sayin' be so goddamn important?

How do you like it?

How do you like the outfit?

How long do we have?

How they feel about the infamous bordello

How was I supposed to handle that situation?

How'd you like it?

How's Mary Margaret and the kids?

How's your tallywacker hangin'?

Howdy again, good neighbors. Melvin P. Thorpe, the old Watchdog himself,

Howdy, boys!

Howdy, ma'am. I'm Senator Wingwood

I ain't never seen anything bad come out of there yet,

I ain't threatenin' you, Governor.

I always keep my campaign promises?

I always knew you'd come through!

I always take my shower in the mornin'.

I been fightin' crime all my life,

I believe I could win.

I can see that.

I can tell you. Nothin'!

I can't stand it if them Aggies win.

I can't tell you how thrilled we are with your contribution.

I cannot believe that sucker!

I could close this place down in a New York minute!

I could, put that on my card?

I couldn't be a ballerina now. I'm too top heavy.

I designed this myself.

I did promise.

I did, darlin'.

I didn't hardly get to even see them!

I didn't know they was takin' pictures.

I don't believe in matrimony. It screws up a relationship.

I don't care!

I don't give a damn

I don't give a damn what people say.

I don't have one tenth the trouble from Miss Mona's that I have from you

I don't have to listen to this shit. Damn it! I'm the law.

I don't know anything about that electronic bullshit!

I don't know what I'd do if that happened to me.

I don't know what you're talkin' about, "I don't look sexy. "

I don't know why I let people talk me into serving as mayor

I don't know, but it's too late in the year for a carnival.

I don't think I'm the type.

I don't think my girls would be either.

I don't think so, thank you very much.

I don't think you got any problem there.

I don't wanna ruffle this old bird's feathers.

I expect a little protection for my money!

I forgot all about that.

I got a little influence around this state myself.

I got it right here.

I gotta close you down.

I guess you'll be goin' over there for Thanksgivin' dinner.

I had a dream once.

I have a hard enough time balancin' these

I have a report here that says that the Chicken Ranch

I have no independent recollection of going to the Chicken Ranch.

I have to tell my girls.

I haven't been to bed with another woman besides you in three years.

I haven't sold a car in a week.

I hear him talking but he don't come in.

I hear you're very popular.

I hope I'm not...

I intend to.

I just don't know nothin' about no Ezekiel in the Bible.

I just hate the looks of them things.

I kind of like to think that that's what heaven is all about.

I knew Ezekiel Peebles once in the eighth grade.

I know deep down in my heart it ain't never gonna be.

I know what I'm askin' you to do is gonna

I know what my job is! Don't be tellin' me what my goddamn job is!

I know you.

I know you're gonna get your dream.

I know.

I know.

I know.

I like that.

I like that.

I lost my temper.

I love you.

I love you.

I made a mistake tonight, okay?

I mean, right or wrong...

I mean, those ladies out there,

I myself am gonna take this report to Austin

I never told anybody this, Mona, but...

I picked up a package. The very latest thing from Frederick's of Hollywood.

I read in the Reader's Digest...

I said some things I shouldn't have said.

I saw a picture once.

I saw your car parked from the highway

I see.

I set my course a long time ago

I started out poor, and I worked my way up to outcast.

I suppose you're wonderin' what happened to Miss Mona.

I sure hope you come up north to visit Miss Mona and me.

I swear, I could get the mayor's own children

I think it is. That Melvin P. Thorpe

I think Jesus was...

I think the one about the...

I think we both said a whole lot of things we regret.

I thought you might like.

I thought you would.

I took it as a blessin'. Of course, things were different then.

I trusted you. That's what hurt. I trusted you!

I understand.

I use a camera, you use a gun.

I wanna see 60 nuts inside.

I want to apologize.

I want you to be my guest.

I want you to thank your boys for me.

I wanted you to know all the facts.

I warned you yesterday about losin' your temper and carryin' on.

I was a deputy back then,

I was home in bed, because you gave me

I was readin' in the Reader's Digest...

I was sayin' just this morning at the weekly

I was thinkin' of runnin' for the legislature someday.

I wasn't aware of her civic generosity.

I went by the post office this morning.

I would close it down.

I would like to speak to you about a matter of great importance and concern.

I wouldn't be surprised if your granddaddy took your daddy out there

I... I wish

I... I'm gettin' dressed.

I'd love to see that sheriff's face right now!

I'd tread easy on this one. Them TV boys can be mighty powerful.

I'll be back with more.

I'll do things my own way. I'm gonna make up my own damn mind!

I'll see all you seniors out at Miss Mona's.

I'll tell him you called. Bye. Mornin', Sheriff.

I'll tell you if you won't laugh.

I'll tell you something, honey.

I'll tell you something.

I'm a business woman payin' out double taxes!

I'm a lawman. That's my interest.

I'm fine. How are you, Porky?

I'm from New Jersey.

I'm goin' to Houston. I'm gonna take care

I'm gonna give you 30 seconds, you fancified fart.

I'm gonna have that printed up on a little card.

I'm gonna knock you so flat you're gonna

I'm gonna knock you so flat you're gonna!

I'm no moralizer. I leave all that to the preacher.

I'm not one of those sensation mongers out to boost his own ego!

I'm not. I'm not. He forgives me.

I'm out there fightin' for the rights of the public, just like you.

I'm so pleased to see ya. I knew you couldn't let me leave

I'm sorry the sheriff wasn't here to thank you.

I'm sorry, Mona, about the whole situation.

I'm speakin' to you about nothin' less

I'm sure it will, honey. That party is a bigger tradition than the game.

I'm talkin' a full nut.

I'm talkin' about the Chicken Ranch, my friends.

I'm talkin' to you about official blindness,

I'm the electronic bounty hunter.

I've had calls from four preachers,

I've known a lot of women in my life.

I've known Miss Mona for 12 years.

I've made a little money, I've laughed some, I've danced to the music.

I've worn boxer shorts for years!

If folks want their ass tickled with a feather!

If he brings cameras out to the Chicken Ranch...

If I choose to, I'll close this place down till hell freezes over.

If I ever see you or any of those

If I ever see you or any of those little bastards

If I run, they bite me in the ass.

If I stand still, they screw me.

If Jesus comes to your house, all hell's gonna break loose.

If Miss Mona and the girls that work for her were jeopardizin' the health,

If that's your idea of an apology, it ain't worth armadillo crap.

If the place was just a piddlin' nuisance,

If there's ever anything I can do...

If they can't find 'em, they'll **** 'em.

If they have to go for all the marbles,

If they look half as good on you as I think they're going to

If you know that for a fact, Mr. Newspaper Editor,

If you see somebody without a smile, give 'em yours.

If you'd done what you said you were gonna do!

If you'd just drop the whole thing.

Immediately and permanently.

Implications to the health of this town!

In each bar than they advertised.

In fact, a guy could hurt himself wearin' those things.

In front of the... Courthouse!

In the hopes that the Governor himself

In this beautiful state of ours.

Inside.

Interrupting anything.

Is a sorry son of a bitch.

Is a woman known only as Miss Mona.

Is gonna accuse me of takin' a bribe and live to tell about it

Is gonna accuse me of takin' a bribe and live to tell about it

Is involved with and under the influence of organized crime.

Is settin' up his television show

Is Sheriff Ed Earl Dodd!

Is showing little activity after the disclosure yesterday

Is that headed out for the Chicken Ranch.

Is this the kind of foul mouthed example

Is this the kind of man we want runnin' our law enforcement?

Isn't this wonderful?

It don't look too little to me.

It lay about a mile outside the city limits,

It was my fault, Jewel. It was my decision.

It was only during the Hoover depression

It was the nicest little whorehouse you ever saw.

It wasn't long before the place became

It's a fittin' celebration for today's victory!

It's a hell of a lot better than bein' a whore.

It's a Japanese slingshot.

It's affectin' my pieces on the late night news.

It's all very well to take that attitude, Ed Earl,

It's Deputy Fred. Fred.

It's different.

It's downright tacky.

It's good to see you. Keepin' an eye on my place at night?

It's good to see you. Nice to meet you.

It's just time to pay the fiddler, that's all.

It's kinda like the end of an era.

It's like a graduation dance.

It's me, Deputy Fred!

It's my duty to tell you that...

It's nice to see you.

It's no big secret.

It's ruinin' the town.

It's that damn bilingual bullshit again.

It's the Thanksgiving game, Miss Mona. And that's real special.

It's them damn droopy boxer drawers.

It's your duty to expose it!

It's your show I want to talk to you about, Mr Thorpe.

Its doors have been open to soldiers and presidents and farmers.

Jeff Gerald, ABC News, Gilbert, Texas.

Jerry Rogers of the Houston Post.

Jewel, what in hell is goin' on?

Jewel! Hold it right there!

Just as quick as you can.

Just go in there, make yourself comfortable.

Just got a call from the Sheriff,

Just have to give it a chance.

Just hold that for me, will you?

Just how much I miss all the little stuff

Just like a snap.

Just talkin' about you. How are ya?

Just to put this whole thing behind you

Just trust me.

Just went on with the party as planned, that'd be all right?

Keepin' an eye on what's goin' on

Ladies and gentlemen, His Excellency, the Governor of Texas.

Last night I wasn't on the 11:00 news!

Last night you said you was proud of me.

Last week Well...

Law enforcement.

Leave that boy out of it!

Leave that little shithead to me.

Legalized prostitution, pro or con, is in the news today.

Let me give you a word of advice from

Let's get to those vans! We're gonna make the mornin' news!

Let's go!

Let's hear it, Melvin! Lay it on us.

Lights! Everybody up!

Like a broken record. Chicken Ranch, Chicken Ranch, Chicken Ranch!

Like a home away from home.

Like the angels.

Like the time the mule sat on Miss Modene's car.

Linda Lou.

Listen at him cuss and shout. Just like on TV!

Little fat buddy, up to now you got two tickets.

Little feet, little hands, got no peckers.

Little is the key word here. They are real little.

Lobby for its defeat, the fate of the Chicken Ranch

Look at them stars.

Look, if you won't close her down, at least

Lookit here! Watch this.

Lord, I hope not. I got a closet full of 'em now.

Lost the fried chicken franchise here in town,

Love to help you, Ed Earl,

Loveless copulation?

Make yourself to home. See you later, partner.

Makes me feel real sexy.

May be mean, but he's ours!

Maybe in a couple of weeks the whole thing will blow over

Maybe less.

Me and you used to do, like goin' up to the lake.

Me too! You just hold your horses. I got a surprise for you.

Me? Jumpin' up and down? I'd black both my eyes.

Me? Yeah, you.

Melvin P. Thorpe

Melvin P. Thorpe is now the biggest attraction at this station.

Melvin P. Thorpe!

Melvin P. Thorpe.

Melvin P. Thorpe. Gotcha!

Melvin P. Thorpe. Watchdog News.

Melvin still outside? Maybe I can catch the television cameras

Melvin, I'm sorry.

Melvin.

Messages here from outraged citizens,

Mighty proud to meet you.

Miss Mona has just capped the goal for

Miss Mona likes to create somethin' special for the boys.

Miss Mona married Ed Earl

Miss Mona promised me to close the place down for two months.

Miss Mona!

Miss Wulla Jean passed on.

Miss Wulla Jean put a pianola in the

Miss Wulla Jean put in a jukebox to spark up business.

Mona, there's something I wanna tell you.

Mona, this is an official call.

Mona, we've been together a long time.

Mona, you know me better than that.

Mona?

Mona?

Mona.

Mornin', Rita. Here's your calls.

Most corporations involved in false advertisin'

Most of the politicians have slept there.

Move it! Come on!

Move, you schmuck!

Mr Thorpe?

My aides are still workin' on that.

My Frank, when he was alive, used to go up there every Saturday.

My friends, I want to thank you

My girls would love to show you a little appreciation.

My wife couldn't believe what she saw last night.

Nice man, but dumb.

No need to bring that up, Sheriff.

No need to stop now.

No one. No one was ever forced to go up there.

No one's blamin' you, Ed Earl. It ain't your fault.

No questions, please.

No reason except the goddam cries

No way.

No, I didn't know that.

No, it's jockey shorts with little silver snaps on the side.

No, no, no, no... Hi, Sheriff!

No, no, no!

No, thank you. I think you've done all you could.

No, you could! Oh, don't be ridiculous!

No, you tell your mayor he's got nothing to fear from me on that score.

No!

No! No.

No! There's been a party here.

No. He'd like to, but he's out of his league.

No. I'm goin' to Austin.

No. No, he didn't.

Nobody tells me how to run my goddam job,