Happiest Season Edit

A chapter has ended, and a new one's begun,

A conversation about the fish at some point.

A romantic relationship, and you've been lying

A teaspoon of coconut oil‐‐ add some nice moisture to those hands.

ABBY and RILEY: ♪ Santa's got boots and a suit of red ♪

Abby is my‐‐ ‐ Orphan.

Abby, what are you doing in the closet?

Abby, you and Harper have a perfect relationship.

ABBY: [ chuckles ] Yeah.

ABBY: [ whispers ] Hey.

ABBY: God, I'm so excited.

ABBY: Hmm? ‐ Good.

ABBY: How'd you sleep?

ABBY: I'm sure that you could review some footage.

ABBY: My parents loved Christmas.

ABBY: No, I'm not tense. I'm great.

ABBY: No, no.

ABBY: No, thank you.

ABBY: Oh. JANE: You don't need to be.

ABBY: Oh. TIPPER: Okay.

ABBY: Okay. ‐ Go on.

ABBY: Should I have some sort of cover story or something?

ABBY: Should we stop them?

ABBY: Um, I‐I was‐‐

ABBY: Um, I'm just moving it right now.

ABBY: Um...

ABBY: Well, let's see.

ABBY: Yeah, uh‐‐ ‐ Are you all right to do that?

ABBY: Yeah.

ABBY: Yeah. Oh, gosh, my phone, too.

Abby! [ clears throat ]

Abby's her girlfriend.

Abby's heterosexual ex‐boyfriend,

After she wouldn't stop biting in preschool.

After the holidays.

After they died, I‐I couldn't really bring myself to acknowledge Christmas.

Ah, good. I can't wait.

All are well. ABBY: What about the fish?

All of this is happening because Harper is‐‐

All right, I think I'm gonna grab a beer. ASHLEY: Shots, shots, shots, shots.

All right, that's enough.

ALL: ♪ Must be Santa, must be Santa ♪

ALL: ♪ Must be Santa, must be Santa ♪

ALL: ♪ Santa's got a long cap on his head ♪

Also, a fact you don't know about me:

Also, I am loving these fish.

And a loss of $12 million?

And after spending her entire night, like,

And again, my apologies for the spectacle.

And another daughter who...

And breaking bad?

And decorated them. ‐ No.

And didn't talk to me for 13 years after I told him.

And do you know why?

And every year, no matter how early I start planning,

And everybody was so awful to me.

And guess what.

And Harper basically just said that I am gay

And Harper can adopt a "don't ask, don't tell" policy

And he's gone. Sorry, what were you saying?

And help him write his speech for Carolyn's dinner tonight.

And I am done keeping secrets.

And I am in love with Abby.

And I am scared that if I tell them who I really am,

And I bought a racehorse online.

And I can't wait to be your mayor.

And I have come to get her back.

And I just don't know, uh, 'cause it's so busy and‐‐

And I know, if I don't tell them, I will lose you.

And I sort of think I made the right decision, but at the same time‐‐

And I still don't have a white elephant gift, on top of it all.

And I stop believing in Santa Claus,

And I thought she loved me and was happy, but I...

And I understand how you feel about Christmas

And I want to just get out of here, but it would cost me

And I will not be left out anymore!

And I won't hurt you like this again.

And I‐I'm sorry, I don't think that's fair.

And I'm done, too.

And I'm sorry for making you think

And I'm telling them everything after the holidays anyways.

And if that doesn't convince you to love Christmas,

And if we cannot manage to post one,

And if we veered off their course, we lost it.

And it doesn't mean she doesn't love you.

And it just didn't feel like the right time,

And it will take time, but all I want for you

And it's just making me wonder who the real Harper is.

And maybe you all don't because I'm not fancy.

And me being gay just didn't...

And my version and everything in between.

And not just this election.

And now Harper's entire family thinks I'm a criminal.

And now they make gift baskets.

And one day, one of Harper's friends found one of the letters,

And our whole Christmas is about impressing this person,

And propose on Christmas morning.

And ready to mingle, so...

And relieved.

And sales have been through the roof ever since.

And serving you on the city council

And she asked Harper wh‐what it was about,

And that I wouldn't leave her alone.

And that is the only way we will keep safe and strong.

And that is the only way we will keep safe and strong.

And the Christmas trees?

And the money doesn't matter.

And the truth is I didn't tell you

And the way I can ensure depravity doesn't seep in

And then now he's trying to get the support of this donor,

And then once you say those words,

And then that'll make it so much easier when I do tell them.

And then within a couple days, like, everybody in school found out,

And then, freshman year, we became more than friends.

And they knew that I stopped believing in Santa Claus,

And they took it really well?

And this is Harper's friend Abby.

And this is Kelly and Ashley.

And trying to make her your property.

And we would, like, leave these little love letters

And what is a better representation of our family

And with this next song, we're gonna need a little help from you.

And yes, we'll have‐‐

And you are going to...

And you don't know what's coming next.

And you have to be ready for that.

And you should feel bad about it and yourself.

And you'll get home okay?

And‐and I want to give you such a great Christmas.

And‐and I wish that I could undo everything,

And‐and now that we have converted the pantry

And‐and your roommate want to get out and hang out,

And, fine, I got carried away, but it's because I love you

And, Jane, I...

And, uh, this is my wife Tipper.

And...

And... [ sniffles ]

Are you having the most terrible time?

Are you okay? ‐ Um...

Are you ready? [ chuckles ] ‐ No.

Are you sure? ‐ Mm.

Are you‐‐ Are you doing anything right now?

Aren't there cameras in malls?

Artificial colors‐‐ Red 40 Lake,

As friends, um, like acquaintances.

ASHLEY: ...of the square.

ASHLEY: Come, come, come, come, come. ABBY: Yeah.

ASHLEY: Hi!

At least you used to be.

Autolyzed yeast extract,

Aw...

Baby, I'm just not a huge Christmas person.

Be good, you two.

Be with me.

Because all of the yellows taste so different.

Because Harper forgot to tell you about it.

Because I do my homework.

Because I thought, if I won,

Because she was afraid

Because we're late now.

Because without my family I'm worthless to you.

Because you lost your parents, and you just don't have‐‐

Because your parents are no longer with us.

Before we get to my parents' house.

Before we leave for dinner.

Behold. [ chuckles ]

Being in love with somebody that is...

Bet you could teach me a thing or two.

Blurry. Boring.

BOTH: Aw.

BOTH: Jane. ‐ Okay, fun. Yeah.

BOTH: Oh! [ camera clicks ]

BOTH: Shut up, Jane!

Boy, Carnegie Mellon, huh?

Brought home her lesbian friend for Christmas?

But Carolyn thinks it would just be better if you weren't at the dinner.

But don't be.

But don't lie.

But don't worry, you'll have total privacy.

But enough about me.

But I don't know. I‐‐

But I don't trust her to do them on her own,

But I have.

But I know how much appearances and reputation matter to you,

But I promise I will tell them everything

But I promise you I will make it up to you.

But I‐I know that it's what she needs right now, so...

But I...

But I'm probably gonna ask her dad for his blessing

But I'm ready for more.

But if it is... [ sighs ]

But if you need anything, you can obviously call me.

But it's for your own safety, clearly.

But maybe we don't even know what perfect is.

But nobody knew that, obviously.

But now that I'm going home with her...

But please...

But since you are here, enjoy.

But that was a long time ago.

But the dog and the fish need to be seen morning and night.

But the one thing that all of those stories have in common

But then I have something meaningful to get out of bed for, so...

But they don't even really like me that much, so...

But they gave it all up to raise their beautiful twins,

But they're my parents,

But we got through it.

But whether you like it or not, I'm a part of this family,

But who's gonna look after all those pets?

But with less arms and more powers.

But, uh, merry Christmas.

But, um, I have to put the finishing touches

By engaging in one of the most archaic institutions

By trapping her in a box of heteronormativity

Bye, babe.

Can we hang out tonight after the dinner?

Can we just talk for a second?

Can we please go?

Cannot be at this place sober.

CAROLYN: Charmed. This is my assistant Levi.

CAROLYN: Harry.

CAROLYN: Now, Harry's tough.

CAROLYN: Oh, I'll have to check out Goop.

Cheap freaking puzzle.

COLLEEN: I'll have one brought over.

COLLEEN: Is this all right?

Come here.

Come on, we're gonna be late.

Come on, you want to hear her sing, right?

Come on.

Come on.

Come on. Come on.

Come with me.

Come with me.

CONNOR: Abby. Yeah. Absolutely.

CONNOR: Hey, you guys.

CONNOR: Hey.

CONNOR: I‐‐ ‐ What? ‐ What are you doing?

CONNOR: It was ground zero for chicken pox.

CONNOR: Merry Christmas. ‐ I don't know.

CONNOR: Oh, hey. Connor. ‐ Hey. ‐ She's an orphan.

CONNOR: One, two, three. Go.

CONNOR: Very quickly. TED: The two of them

CONNOR: Well, that was fun.

Contact stupiditis.

Cool, huh?

Correct? [ horn honking ]

CRYSTAL: Miss, put it down. ED: Ma'am!

CRYSTAL: No, we stopped keeping food in here. ED: No.

CRYSTAL: You're gonna regret it. ‐ No.

Did you guys get yours? ‐ Yes.

Didn't leave the cabin for the whole trip,

Discover that the gemstone that they thought was inside the gork

Do I‐‐ It's‐‐ Do I stick it out for two days?

Do the tree and watch, like, every Christmas movie.

Do you have a boyfriend, Abby?

Do you know these people?

Do you know where I could do that?

Do you need something?

Do you want to switch? ‐ No.

Does that sound about right, or‐‐

Doesn't seep in through the cracks of our community

Don't let her throw you.

Don't you peep at me.

ED: Go ahead. CRYSTAL: I'm gonna make this little birdie

ED: Oh, ma'am! CRYSTAL: Ma'am, we're gonna stop you right there.

ED: You know what? Fine. ‐ No, I'm not doing any‐‐

ED: You're in charge now. CRYSTAL: Yeah.

EM K. ULTRA: ♪ On his head ♪ OTHERS: ♪ On his head ♪

EM K. ULTRA: ♪ Who's got boots and a suit of red? ♪ ‐ I'll help you.

EM K. ULTRA: Here we go.

EM K. ULTRA: Yeah, perfect! MISS L'TEAU: ♪ Who's got a long cap on his head? ♪

Enjoy your family, and enjoy Connor.

Enough!

Eric, can you make them be still?

ERIC: Excuse me, all.

ERIC: No, they'll tire themselves out eventually.

ERIC: Ted. ‐ Eric.

ERIC: We got everything out of the van.

ERIC: What are they doing? ‐ They're racing.

EUGENE: There's not, or there were? Were there?

Even as children, you never behaved this badly.

Even though I know it's not elegant.

Every year at our Christmas Eve party. ‐ Oh.

Everybody's story is different.

Everything that happened yesterday was a complete misunderstanding.

Fed him, fed the cats.

Fit into the plan.

For an annual average of four deaths,

For them to see how amazing and kind and smart you are.

For your father to give voters a peek behind the curtain.

Found you! ‐ [ gasping ]

From the family.

Fuck.

Get in here. ‐ Come on.

Get off me!

Giddyap.

Give me another chance.

Go ahead, kids.

Go tweet, tweet, tweet, becau‐‐ ‐ Go ahead.

Go. ‐ [ both grunt ]

God, I‐I was in such a daze. TIPPER: I'll get all this.

God, it's the best party of the year.

God, sorry, just seeing the three of you standing next to each other

God, that's a lot of work for something that's just gonna turn to shit.

Good to see you. Hi. ‐ [ Abby sighs ]

Good to see you. SLOANE: Hi, Mom.

Gosh, you're so big.

Great party.

GUEST: Merry Christmas. Thank you. SLOANE: Thank you.

Harper is our powerhouse, and, uh, Jane...

Harper isn't out, and her parents don't know we're together.

Harper not coming out to her parents has nothing to do with you.

Harper, do you want to tell them, or should I?

Harper, I need you to bring your A game.

Harper, I read your piece about that senator.

HARPER: [ sighs ] Okay.

HARPER: Abby. Hey.

HARPER: Are you having fun?

HARPER: Connor, you made it.

HARPER: Dad, Abby would never do this.

HARPER: Hey.

HARPER: I don't want to lose you. ABBY: You're not.

HARPER: I hate that you're gonna be alone on Christmas.

HARPER: I know. I just‐‐

HARPER: I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

HARPER: Mm‐hmm.

HARPER: Mm! ‐ [ squealing ]

HARPER: Mm.

HARPER: Mom, I thought you were gonna

HARPER: No! You're such a cheater!

HARPER: Oh, I have asked you not to do that.

HARPER: Oh, no, no.

HARPER: Oh, no.

HARPER: Oh.

HARPER: Oh.

HARPER: Oh. ‐ This is Abby.

HARPER: Okay, Mom, stop, please. TIPPER: Mm.

HARPER: Okay. I'm sorry. TIPPER: Oh, I know. I know.

HARPER: Please promise me you won't say anything.

HARPER: Please, Dad, just be‐‐

HARPER: Uh...

HARPER: Um, yeah.

HARPER: Whew. Yeah.

HARPER: Yeah, I think it's just a matter of time.

HARPER: Yes. ‐ Yes, I'm familiar.

HARPER: You keep your mouth shut, psycho!

Harper.

Harper's father and I are always happy to open our doors to those in need.

HARRY: I'm gonna stop you right there.

Has this weird lock, so if you jiggle it,

Have you managed

Have you seen it?

Have‐have a nice day. I'll see you later.

He even hired his nephew Otis to play Santa Claus for many years,

He graduated top of his class at Yale‐‐

He was a‐‐ He was a milk... man.

He's gonna introduce us.

He's got to resign, right?

He's half human, half Quazzle. ‐ Mm‐hmm. Mm‐hmm.

Hello?

Her parents must be proud.

Here, help me out here.

Hey, big night tonight, girls. ‐ That's too much.

Hey, Carolyn.

Hey, come on. Um...

Hey, everyone, please come down!

Hey, girls, come here. TIPPER: I'm good. ERIC: Hi.

Hey, Harper, was there someone else?

Hey, it's Abby.

Hey, it's good to see you.

Hey, Ted.

Hey, um...

Hey.

Hey. Can you watch them for a bit?

Hey. JOHN: Okay, so...

Hi, Abby. ‐ Hi.

Hi. It's been a minute. ‐ Hi.

Honey, I have a list of party errands that Jane has volunteered to run,

How about you?

How are you here?

How bad can it be?

How can you not like the lights and the decorations

How did you get down here?

How long do you guys think‐‐ ‐ Don't‐don't tell them that.

However, it's a task I am not only up for but eager to take on.

I actually just went through a breakup.

I am actually very good with parents.

I am an orphan, but we live together.

I am asking a lot of you.

I am here.

I am more than capable of taking care of a few pets for two days.

I am not a lesbian.

I am something.

I basically have to reimagine the entire party.

I can make myself real small.

I can relate.

I can't believe I'm finally gonna meet everyone.

I can't do that to Abby... [ chuckles ]

I can't do this for you anymore.

I did it.

I did not put that in my bag. There might‐‐

I didn't tell them.

I didn't think you'd be here, but here you are.

I don't care what they think.

I don't know her.

I don't know, a scarf might be good, actually.

I don't know. Just...

I don't know. Uh, what do I do?

I don't want Connor.

I don't want to lose you.

I don't‐‐ I don't think that she...

I expected more from you, especially you, Harper.

I feel like I really put you on the spot last night,

I get it, okay?

I get it.

I get it. Girl talk.

I had no idea he was gonna be here.

I hate flowers.

I have a perfect record.

I have a way with routers.

I have been tracking you.

I have invited Harry Levin and her husband to our Christmas Eve party.

I have loved being your city councilman,

I have to run an errand. Um, Santa promised them

I ju‐‐ It just came to me.

I just don't know why you're keeping tabs on me.

I just feel totally unprepared.

I just needed a bit of a breather.

I just think the choice you're making is dumb

I just think we‐we need a break

I just want to know it's safe.

I just wanted to mention‐‐

I just‐‐ I feel like we just need some space.

I knew my mom would be busy for the next two hours.

I know a lot of places that aren't malls.

I know it's weird, like‐‐

I know that if I tell them now,

I know we're all having a great time tonight,

I know why you're worried.

I know.

I like myself.

I like you. I think you can win, too,

I like your jacket. [ sighs ]

I love champagne.

I love that you love it.

I love you.

I love you. ‐ I love you.

I made it.

I mean, I haven't had a family Christmas in ten years.

I mean, I've lapped you like 12 times today.

I mean, it‐it looks good.

I mean, love in our house wasn't something we just got for free.

I mean, really.

I mean, you are the love of my life.

I mean...

I might have been a little judgmental when we last spoke.

I once took too many Ambien,

I only care about you.

I probably wouldn't have a good time.

I promise.

I saw two of their cousins get in a fistfight

I should have created a safe space for you to share

I still need to get a white elephant gift anyway.

I still regret it.

I swear.

I think I'm gonna go.

I think we could be in business.

I think you just forgot to mention that Connor

I think you made your point. ‐ [ chuckles ]

I think.

I told you, Harper's gonna tell her parents everything

I took all the money I had and went to Paris for a month.

I understand this is very old‐fashioned,

I walked the dog.

I want to do better,

I want to give you a little early Christmas present.

I want to...

I want you.

I was arrested by mall security yesterday,

I was coming to dinner last night?

I was going to, and then Dad told us

I was out there before you came out.

I was terrible.

I was thinking about that trip

I was thinking maybe something everyone might like.

I wasn't who you wanted me to be.

I will lose them.

I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you.

I won't be mad.

I won't be out late.

I‐I can run out and grab one today.

I‐I don't know, he didn't seem like an important part of the story.

I‐I know it's messed up, okay?

I‐I know this isn't about me. I just feel crazy, like‐‐

I‐I see her here, and she's so terrified of what everyone thinks,

I‐I want to be with someone who is ready.

I‐I want to build a life with you.

I‐I'm gonna meet up with her in a bit.

I‐into my bedroom, it's a two‐bedroom.

I‐is the only reason the Internet ever works in this house.

I...

I'd really like to drink some alcohol.

I'll be right back. Oh, enjoy some champagne.

I'll just be a sec.

I'll never bring it up again.

I'll see you later? ABBY: Mm‐hmm.

I'm Abby. We met last night.

I'm all in on Christmas.

I'm calling the police. ‐ [ gasps ]

I'm done.

I'm gay.

I'm gonna google it. Thanks.

I'm gonna miss you.

I'm gonna‐‐ I'm gonna need to give this a think.

I'm Harper Caldwell's friend.

I'm here to rescue you. Please get your things.

I'm just checking on the animals.

I'm just getting them Jane's old Game Boy.

I'm just kidding.

I'm just kidding. I would never.

I'm just so content taking care of other people's pets

I'm responsible for the careers of dozens of authors.

I'm so sorry about your painting.

I'm so sorry about your parents.

I'm sorry about this.

I'm sorry I didn't tell you guys sooner,

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sure my mother's hairdresser wants to show me her weird finger again.

I'm telling them after the holidays.

I'm telling you this because I'm not just looking at you.

I've accomplished a lot in my life,

I've got all my daughters under one roof.

I've got the pets to sit.

I've missed you.

If I have you, that's all I need.

If I knew that part of what I was agreeing to

If I remember correctly. CONNOR: No. ‐ Oh, my goodness.

If I wanted to buy the exact same one for myself,

If my friend ditched me at a party where I didn't know anyone,

If the NSA can do it, so can I.

In a country club that didn't let women have

In the history of the human race?

In town?

In‐in each other's lockers.

Inside of handmade reclaimed wood vessels.

Into this campaign.

Is an essential element of every candidate's feed,

Is by making sure there are no cracks.

Is by making sure there are no cracks.

Is everything okay? ABBY: Yeah.

Is right up there with my most rewarding life experiences.

Is that all right?

Is that moment right before you say those words,

Is that okay?

Is there more? RILEY: Mm‐hmm.

Is to find the same joy and happiness

Is tricking the woman you claim to love

Isn't this the best time of year?

It brings out the worst in everything.

It doesn't mean she never will be,

It is Glank who takes the first step."

It is something that we competed for,

It just‐‐

It was great seeing you. ‐ [ grunts ]

It was really beautiful.

It was something.

It will lock, but you have to make sure that you do that.

It, like, really hurts.

It's a‐‐ Ready? Cheers. ASHLEY and KELLY: Cheers.

It's about building a life with her.

It's about our whole family.

It's been like ten years.

It's been to watch the person that I love choose to hide me?

It's big. ‐ [ laughter ]

It's brilliant.

It's five days.

It's for my‐‐

It's kind of fun having a secret.

It's lovely seeing you.

It's not good timing?

It's over.

It's‐‐ Harper texted me.

It's‐it's not that long.

It's, um...

Jacking a roost?

Jane, I know you‐you just wanted to be included.

Jane, too much. Too much. JANE: You're always safe with‐‐

JANE: "Once they cross Corvall Chasm,

JANE: And then in the third chapter, the Shadow Dreamers

JANE: Aw.

JANE: Bye. ‐ Hi.

JANE: Daddy. ‐ Uh‐huh. Uh‐huh. ‐ Got it.

JANE: Guys, you keep ripping it more!

JANE: Hi, Eric. Hi. ERIC: Hi, Jane.

JANE: Hi. ‐ We'll meet you there?

JANE: Hi. Merry Christmas. Hi. CONNOR: Hey, guys. Merry Christmas.

JANE: Huh. I wonder what this one is.

JANE: I do think it's getting bigger.

JANE: Milady. ABBY: Thank you.

JANE: No!

JANE: Oh, my God. They all look so nice.

JANE: Oh. Yay! HARPER: Oh.

JANE: Okay. Well...

JANE: Ready?

JANE: So, the Shadow Dreamers

JANE: Thank you so much. It looks so good.

JANE: This is all for me.

Jesus, Abby, where do you think it goes?

JOHN: [ whispers ] Abby.

JOHN: Abby?

JOHN: Because of the blatant Thorfian rights violations.

JOHN: Did you know that you're standing

JOHN: Hmm.

JOHN: Oh, they're all good.

JOHN: Okay, listen to these ingredients:

JOHN: Thank you so much.

JOHN: The hell did it go?

JOHN: Uh...

JOHN: You know what, I think I should google it.

Just be you. ‐ Okay.

Just because Harper isn't ready,

Just got too hard and‐‐

Just rip it.

Just smile.

Just, uh, enjoy yourself. ‐ Great.

KELLY: Harper?

KELLY: Oh, lovely to meet you. ‐ Yes.

Kicked me out of the house

KIDS: ♪ Mother and child... ♪

KIDS: Bye, Daddy.

KIDS: Thank you, Mommy.

Kind of always felt like there was something...

Kind of felt like there was something you weren't telling me.

Last election, I almost backed Dave Grady.

Let myself hurt Riley...

Let's go play.

Let's just avoid any further incidents, yes?

Let's look at it.

Like a thousand dollars to get a ride, and‐‐

Like, about anything.

Like, hang out again, if you got time.

Like, since we‐‐

Like, um...

Look at me. Come here. Look at me. It's okay.

Look, I'm gonna talk to my mom, and I'm gonna make sure that

Look, it's gonna be so boring anyways.

Look...

Looks like it's just us ladies.

Loves me as much as I thought she did.

MAGNUS: Playing hide‐and‐seek like Abby and Aunt Harper.

MAGNUS: We love that game.

MAGNUS: We're sorry.

Maltodextrin,

MAN: [ on TV ] Um, for the chicken breast,

MAN: Thank you.

MATILDA: But that's our room.

MATILDA: Why does she get to sleep in there?

May I? ‐ Yeah, of course. Thanks.

Maybe another one of your exes will bring out dessert.

Maybe I wouldn't have. ‐ [ sighs ] God, Abby.

Me, too.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

Minus the bad cafeteria food.

MISS L'TEAU: Everybody! ‐ Whoa.

MISS L'TEAU: Yeah. Yeah, we want to hear her sing. ‐ [ cheering ]

Mm, mm, mm, mm. [ clears throat ]

Mm, mm. ‐ This is great content.

Mm.

Mm. ‐ You okay?

Morning.

My dad...

My daughter Harper, who writes for the‐‐

My daughter just arrived.

My dear, dear friend, Councilman Ted Caldwell.

My friends want to go out, and‐and we can go with them

My parents were professors there,

Nice of you two to join us. Where are the twins?

Nice to meet you, too. CONNOR: Hey, you guys.

No judgment.

No one's supposed to know yet.

No problem.

No, I mean, I‐I told you that the long distance

No, I'm‐I'm just tired.

No, no, no, no, I‐‐ [ sighs ]

No, she's just helping your dad.

No, this is perfect. ‐ Okay.

No, this is so fun.

No. They also think that I'm...

Nobody would disagree that fish belong in the ocean.

Nope. Nope. Nope.

Nope. Shut up, shut up. Oh, no.

Not me. I like the morning.

Nothing like this happens for the rest of the trip, okay?

Nothing.

Nothing. [ inhales deeply ]

Now is just very bad timing,

Now, I don't know about you, but I am single

Now, I don't know if Sloane's revelation last night was true,

Now, this house was originally owned by Herbert Flackshaw,

Of course, I wish my daughters had bothered

Oh, but that's kind of like your law degree.

Oh, I can't tell you, because it's for the white elephant party.

Oh, I'm so glad you made it.

Oh, mwah. Oh. ‐ Carolyn, you are a vision.

Oh, that is Harper's old high school boyfriend Connor!

Oh, uh, Carolyn, I'll call you later.

Oh, um, this is my roommate Abby.

Oh, where should I put this white elephant gift?

Oh! ‐ [ screams ]

Oh.

Okay, come on, you two.

Okay, come on. Let's get you two to bed.

Okay, I nailed that, and she is fabulous.

Okay, none of these will do.

Okay, so I just want to preface this by saying that

Okay, when you finish, um,

Okay?

Okay?

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay. [ shivers ]

On family, tradition and faith,

On my Christmas gifts.

On track to make partner at her firm before she left to start a family.

Ooh, you guys got to look at this house.

Or is it just him? HARPER: Okay.

Or we can not go with them, but...

Our entire life, we have been expected to be

Over a quesadilla maker at this party once.

Paltrow. Goop picked us up,

Pathetic.

PATRONS: ♪ Santa's got a beard that's long... ♪

People will start arriving any minute.

Perfect.

Pervert. ‐ [ laughing ]

Please be quiet.

Please order me several drinks.

Please, let me say this.

Please.

Put the bag on the floor and slide it to me.

Ready to go?

Really loved going on those trips. ‐ Fun.

Really well done.

Regarding her private life,

Reputation is everything, and tonight you jeopardized mine.

Right after the holidays.

Riley, this is Abby.

RILEY: Just wait for me in the car.

RILEY: Uh, this family.

RILEY: Yes, you are. ‐ I wish.

RILEY: Yes!

Riley. RILEY: Mm.

Roommate. We‐‐

Say that we're together, obviously, and, um...

Seems Christmassy.

Seriously, I can take it.

Set.

She and her husband Eric‐‐

She has impeccable taste.

She is my person, and I really want everyone to know that.

She is not a rice cooker or a cake plate.

She is very heavy‐footed.

She was brilliant.

She will. You won't. You won't. KELLY: You won't.

She's a human being.

She's acting like someone I barely even recognize.

She's coming. Go. Run. ‐ Oh. Hey.

She's my eldest.

She's our super mom,

Shit. Shit!

SINGERS: ♪ And when does Christmas come? ♪

SINGERS: ♪ Suit of red ♪ PATRONS: ♪ Suit of red ♪

Sit down.

Sloane is the one that has this big‐‐

Sloane wasn't lying.

SLOANE: [ in distance ] Come. We're having breakfast.

SLOANE: Everyone.

SLOANE: Go get ready quick, quick, quick,

SLOANE: I am?

SLOANE: I did. TED: Good, right?

SLOANE: If you want the spa package vessel,

SLOANE: It's really a break from

SLOANE: Kids?

SLOANE: Kids? ‐ Sloane, Sloane, Sloane!

SLOANE: Matilda and Magnus...

SLOANE: No! No, no, no!

SLOANE: That's great.

SLOANE: We're making these for the party.

SLOANE: Yeah, Gwynnie seems to think so.

Sloane's husband Eric.

Smile.

So don't wear anything that will strobe, Jane.

So I am done being scared,

So I kind of wanted to follow in their footsteps.

So I need you to supervise.

So I really thought maybe this year with...

So I will be brief.

So I'm just checking on you.

So I'm tracking him to make sure he leaves.

So they're gonna meet you, they're gonna fall in love with you,

So you need to just keep your mouth shut!

So, for the cat, you can go every other day,

So, how long have you and Harper been roommates?

So, I'm just gonna sneak on by you guys.

So, when are you gonna ask her?

So, you and your sister are pretty intense.

Someone might want to have that.

Sorry. It's heavy.

Sorry. Just...

Sorry. What?

Spent every day in museums.

Take this.

Takes me right back to high school.

TED: [ on video ] ...the way I can ensure depravity

TED: [on video] Look, our foundation is built

TED: All right. Up, up, up, kids. ‐ That is so true.

TED: Great to see you, Connor.

TED: Have a good day. ‐ You know I will.

TED: Look, our foundation is built on family, tradition and faith,

TED: Mm. ‐ [ women laughing ]

TED: Mwah! ‐ [ Tipper sighs ]

TED: No, darling, no.

TED: Okay. Where am I? Here? TIPPER: You move there.

TED: Thank you so much. Thank you.

TED: These are turbulent times,

TED: This isn't a conversation, Harper.

TED: Well, you heard what she said.

TED: What are you doing? TIPPER: Girls!

TED: Yeah, okay. Okay. TIPPER: Hi, honey. Right.

TED: Yeah. ‐ Together.

Text me when you get home.

Than concealing your authentic selves.

Than your Christmas Eve party?

Thank you for having me here.

Thank you for trying to get me to like Christmas.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you. ‐ Okay.

Thank you. HARPER: Where's Abby?

Thank you. Let's all take a seat.

Thanks, Dad.

Thanks.

That anything could ever get in the way of that.

That experience made me the man I am.

That he was running for mayor,

That I was making about you and Harper.

That I'm straight.

That is solid. ‐ Yeah. Thanks, man.

That is two more people on the guest list.

That is...

That it would just feel different.

That moment's really terrifying.

That we took to our old house in Jackson Hole

That we would lock her in.

That you have given me, no matter where it comes from.

That you shoved me back into. ‐ Shh!

That you were her first girlfriend.

That'd be great. ‐ Abby. Yeah.

That's about it.

That's amazing. It really is.

That's the business model.

The family holiday photo for the Instagram tonight,

The finger‐poking stage, you're‐you're pretty much dead.

The guy at the top of the square.

The Internet has been a little spotty.

The only reason that Jane is okay is because we gave up on her

The printer's jammed again.

The twins usually stay down here.

The Verg comes from his mother's side, generations back.

The vessels are curated for each individual.

The‐the‐the fish are‐are‐‐ Yes. Yeah.

Their children Matilda and Magnus.

Their investment in it just made me feel so bad for them, you know?

Their own memberships until the early 2000s?

Their reaction is gonna be colored by all this other stress,

Them not being here.

Then you should know that it is very difficult

There it is.

There she is, my perfect girl.

There will be no questions asked.

There, there.

There's just one tiny thing.

There's your version

These corporations try to pass off as food.

These might be the only grandchildren we ever have.

These perfect, golden children.

They put me down here so I wouldn't wake everyone up. [ chuckles ]

They're really specific directions,

This could be the last year that they see him.

This family has nothing to hide.

This house is the site...

This is a family affair.

This is all happening because of you, Harper.

This is my home. JOHN: Oh.

This is my husband Scott.

This is why I avoid Christmas.

This is‐‐ ‐ Ted Caldwell.

Though, truth be told, in a few years, we'll probably all be working for him.

Thousand. Thou‐Thousand, plus.

Through the cracks of our community

TIPPER: [ chuckling ] Hi.

TIPPER: [ hushed ] Shh! Quiet.

TIPPER: Abby, honey, are you okay?

TIPPER: Abby, would you mind taking that?

TIPPER: Abby? ‐ Shit.

TIPPER: All right. Everybody have your numbers?

TIPPER: All right. Harper!

TIPPER: And it is crucial that we take

TIPPER: And this is the den.

TIPPER: Anybody else?

TIPPER: Can't even believe that.

TIPPER: Gorgeous dress. TED: Mwah.

TIPPER: Great, so‐‐ Wait, come over here.

TIPPER: Harper, come with me.

TIPPER: Harper, please come here.

TIPPER: Hi!

TIPPER: I'll let you settle in.

TIPPER: I'm Tipper.

TIPPER: If you want a present... [ laughs ]

TIPPER: It just runs everywhere.

TIPPER: Jane, get out of the middle. ‐ Come on, Matilda.

TIPPER: Jane, Ted, now!

TIPPER: John, would you mind?

TIPPER: Just move a bit. TED: I cannot believe

TIPPER: Kids, what are you doing back there?

TIPPER: Mm. I see.

TIPPER: No. TED: Stay at the table, Jane.

TIPPER: Oh, it's a gift exchange game we do

TIPPER: Okay. That's enough, Jane.

TIPPER: Shh. Oh, wow. JANE: Hey. CONNOR: How you doing?

TIPPER: Um, I think there's something against the door.

TIPPER: We weren't able to get the photo again.

TIPPER: Well, just make sure you're all back here by 4:00.

TIPPER: You know, he's still single.

To another person in my entire life, and now I...

To get a man's permission to take ownership of an adult human woman yet?

To learn to play it, but it does look nice.

To me believing in Santa Claus that even after years go by

To see him this year. Jane, can you not? I just‐‐

To see my little sis. ‐ Oh, what's this?

To sit next to you at dinner and not be able to kiss you.

To the family about it for God knows how long.

To use in front of children.

To you or to us.

Tonight wasn't the best.

Too afraid to show the world who they are.

Traditional gifting and a move into the extraordinary.

TRUDY: ...so surprised when he saw all those presents

Trust me, I have tried.

Turn this room into your office.

Ugh, is it hot in here,

Uh, Harry wants to meet the twins.

Uh, honey, I'm headed to the office, but I wanted to let you know

Uh, it's just too late.

Uh, Jane, uh, uh, keep Abby company.

Uh, the twins have prepared a little song for you.

Uh, we will try again tomorrow.

Uh, you remember my daughters Harper, Jane and Sloane.

Uh...

Uh... uh...

Um, because it's a stupid thing to do.

Um, but‐but not too many; an‐an appropriate amount.

Um, it's really spacious in there, and it's‐‐

Um, Jane, you get in the middle.

Um, sorry about that. ‐ It's not you.

Um, the speech that you made at the food bank on Thanksgiving.

Um...

Um...

Um...

Um... [ chuckles ]

Under the Christmas tree, and she was one of them.

Under the damn tree.

Until 2:00 in the morning, with her ex‐boyfriend Connor,

Until he was arrested for child endangerment in 1992.

Very excited about Christmas.

Very far from perfect, if you ask me.

Wait.

WAITER: Refill? ‐ Hi.

Wake up with you on Christmas morning.

Want to‐‐ Come on.

Was actually stolen by an evil floam, which is sort of like a maggel

Was also there. ‐ [ sighs ] I know.

Was that‐‐ When was that one, again?

Was you hanging out with your ex‐boyfriend all night,

Way to stick it to the patriarchy.

We are getting this photo as soon as Jane gets here.

We create curated gift experiences

We do not deserve to have that account at all.

We got to go. Come on.

We had an agreement.

We had it removed because Jane was always scared

We have one daughter

We just kept that charade going.

We leave for dinner at 6:45.

We met on Bumble. [ chuckles ] TED: Pleasure.

We separated a few months ago.

We started dating.

We were best friends.

We were looking at a quarter cup of honey, and remember to use local honey...

We would decorate and...

We would do all the stuff.

We wouldn't love her if she told us the truth.

We'd be happy to mindfully assemble‐‐ TED: Uh, S‐Sloane was

We're ready to begin white elephant.

We've spent our entire lives trying to earn your love,

Well, does this do anything for you?

Well, if it should magically appear on my dresser,

Well, it would've been nice to have known you were coming,

Well, you know.

Were compelled to rise up against Flanks.

Were very successful attorneys,

What a dream.

What are you doing in here? Out.

What are you doing? ‐ No. Come here.

What are you, college students?

What do you say?

What do you think this is, a barn party?

What gift should I get? Can you help me?

What is going on?

What is going on?

What is happening?

What would you do?

What‐what‐what‐‐ Wh‐What is this?

What'd you do today?

What'd you get?

When Harper got chicken pox. CONNOR: Oh, yeah.

When I came out to my parents and told them we were together

When I sell my book, I'll take care of all of us.

When they find out you've been lying to them. [ clattering ]

When they're away for the holiday‐‐ ‐ [ gasps ]

When your heart is racing

Where are you?

Where‐where do you think I would do that?

Which is great.

Which is stressing my mom out even more than usual, and I just‐‐

Who has been unhappy in a marriage and felt like she couldn't tell us,

Who knows?

Who shouts their love for you from the rooftops.

Who started this tradition on Candy Cane Lane.

Who's ready to go ice‐skating?

Who's really gonna want a mini doughnut factory?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. ‐ [ gasping ]

Whoever picks it is gonna be very pleased.

Why are you huddled in a corner with Riley?

Why do you want to ruin that

Why don't you go on home and rest up a little bit before dinner?

Will you all please join me in welcoming

With Harper and meeting her family, you know,

Without the threat of criticism, so...

WOMAN: Hey! I hear you up there.

WOMAN: What are you doing out there?

Worry about yourself. ‐ Oh, yeah?

Wow.

Yeah, a little.

Yeah, Abby, I'm in the middle of something right now.

Yeah, growing up, we were totally inseparable.

Yeah, I think, actually, it might be better just to avoid it.

Yeah, I thought so.

Yeah, my family goes every year.

Yeah, thank you.

Yeah, well, it was a one‐bedroom,

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, you better run.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. ‐ Mm.

Yeah. God, that was fun. You know, I really,

Yeah. We just ran into Riley.

Yeah. Yeah, I'm just‐‐ ‐ Yeah?

Yeah. Yeah.

Yellow 6 Lake, Yellow 6, Yellow 5.

Yes.

Yesterday, I'd never felt closer

You are in an unusual situation, and as your friend,

You are my family.

You are really good with parents.

You better have a number.

You can tell me.

You can't do it for anyone else.

You can't go over a year without meeting

You can't unsay them.

You could do edible bubble bath. ‐ Excuse me, Sloane.

You didn't see me, but, um...

You don't have to talk to me about this stuff.

You don't realize that's actually not appropriate language

You get more and more beautiful every single time I see you.

You guys ready? ‐ How was‐‐ How was tonight?

You just bring that beautiful family and show them off.

You just destroyed it like it was nothing.

You know how this world works.

You know, I am disgusted at the poison

You know, I would never, ever‐‐

You know, I'm‐I'm glad I ran into you,

You know, maybe don't mention that you're, um...

You know, that I eventually just murdered them.

You know?

You look great in this coat.

You look incredible.

You need to go back downstairs, Abby.

You not telling your parents about us is a choice that you made.

You probably never even had a Christmas tree.

You said it yourself, you're great with parents,

You think she's so innocent?

You want to explain that? ABBY: A‐As I've said,

You were gonna be out till 2:00 in the morning,

You won't. You won't.

You‐you don't‐‐ You don't have to explain.

You? ‐ Yeah. Yeah.

You'd all be proud of me.

You're a very bad liar.

You're better than that.

You're just so tall, you know?

You're lucky you don't have to go.

You're so funny.

You're such a wonderful host, so I'm great.

Your mother's going viral!

Your room's in the basement.

Your roommate home for Christmas?

Your significant other's parents.

15 injuries

‐ ...a little restless. ‐ They're gonna need to turn around.

‐ ...Abby.

‐ ...and the twins already made their own batch of cookies

‐ ...but it ended up in your bag, so this is probably just a big misunderstanding.

‐ 'Sup?

‐ [ Abby chuckles ]

‐ [ Abby groans ]

‐ [ all chuckle ]

‐ [ both grunting ]

‐ [ both laughing ]

‐ [ both panting ]

‐ [ cheering ]

‐ [ cheering ]

‐ [ cheering ]

‐ [ cheering ]

‐ [ cheering ] ‐ No cracks!

‐ [ cheering on video ]

‐ [ chuckles ]

‐ [ chuckles ]

‐ [ chuckles ]

‐ [ chuckles ]

‐ [ chuckles ]

‐ [ chuckles ] ‐ I am so sorry.

‐ [ chuckles ] ‐ So...

‐ [ chuckles ] Hey, Abby. ABBY: Hey.

‐ [ chuckles ] JANE: Should I go over there?

‐ [ chuckles ] That was in your youth.

‐ [ chuckles ] TIPPER: It is so nice to meet you.

‐ [ chuckles ] Yeah, I'm making something very special.

‐ [ chuckles ] Yeah.

‐ [ chuckles softly ]

‐ [ chuckles softly ] ‐ Please, Sloane.

‐ [ chuckling ] ‐ Right there.

‐ [ chuckling ] Connor! How funny to see you here.

‐ [ clears throat ] ‐ [ Harper chuckles ]

‐ [ clears throat ] 'Sup?

‐ [ clears throat ] Y‐Yes. I am John,

‐ [ exhales sharply ] You, too. God, guys.

‐ [ gasps ]

‐ [ gasps ] [ bottles clatter ]

‐ [ gasps ] Oh, my God.

‐ [ gasps ] Oh! Oh, yes.

‐ [ groaning ]

‐ [ groaning ] TIPPER: Stop this right now.

‐ [ grunting ]

‐ [ grunting ]

‐ [ grunting, screaming ] ‐ Oh!

‐ [ grunts ] ‐ [ guests gasp ]

‐ [ grunts ] Still not clear on the plan.

‐ [ guests gasp, scream ]

‐ [ guests gasping ]

‐ [ guests murmuring ] SLOANE: I'll kill you!

‐ [ Harper gasps ]

‐ [ Harper mutters ]

‐ [ Harper screams ] ‐ [ guests gasping, shouting ]

‐ [ Harper sighing ]

‐ [ Harper sighs ]

‐ [ Harper sighs ]

‐ [ Harper sighs ]

‐ [ indistinct chatter ]

‐ [ indistinct conversation ]

‐ [ inhales deeply ]

‐ [ Jane chuckles softly ]

‐ [ laughing ] Hi.

‐ [ laughing ] JANE: Aw.

‐ [ laughing ] Mom, stop.

‐ [ laughing ] No, I don't hate it.

‐ [ laughing ] Oh.

‐ [ laughing ] Okay, I get it.

‐ [ laughing ] Yeah. That's right.

‐ [ laughing ] Yes, I think this is cute.

‐ [ laughing loudly ]

‐ [ laughs ]

‐ [ laughs ] ‐ Oh... [ laughs ]

‐ [ laughs ] Oh, you're too kind.

‐ [ laughs ] Yep. ‐ Once you get to

‐ [ laughter ]

‐ [ laughter ]

‐ [ laughter ] SINGERS: ♪ It comes but never goes... ♪

‐ [ lively chatter ]

‐ [ panting ]

‐ [ patrons singing ] ‐ We're gonna sing. Ready? ‐ Mm‐hmm. Yeah.

‐ [ quiet chatter ]

‐ [ quiet chatter ]

‐ [ quiet chatter ]

‐ [ quiet, indistinct chatter ]

‐ [ scoffs ]

‐ [ screaming ] ‐ No!

‐ [ screams ] Oh, my God.

‐ [ sighs ]

‐ [ sighs ]

‐ [ sighs ]

‐ [ sighs ]

‐ [ sighs ]

‐ [ sighs ]

‐ [ sighs ] I know, right?

‐ [ sighs ] I should...

‐ [ sighs ] Man.

‐ [ sighs ] Terrible.

‐ [ sighs ] Um...

‐ [ sighs ] Yeah, with, um...

‐ [ sighs, sniffles ]

‐ [ Sloane clears throat ]

‐ [ Sloane screams ]

‐ [ sniffles ]

‐ [ sobs softly ]

‐ [ takes deep breath ]

‐ [ Tipper chuckling ]

‐ [ Tipper sighs ]

‐ [ Tipper sighs ] TED: It's not just about me.

‐ [ trembling ] How could it not?

‐ [ whispers ] I can't believe I fell asleep.

‐ [ whispers ] That was very, very close.

‐ [ yawns ]

‐ ♪ Beard that's white ♪ ‐ ♪ Beard that's white ♪

‐ ♪ Christmas is for caring ♪ ‐ [ scattered laughter ]

‐ ♪ Christmas is for ha... ♪

‐ ♪ Christmas is for sharing ♪

‐ ♪ Santa comes around on a special night ♪

‐ ♪ Silent night ♪

‐ ♪ Special night ♪ ‐ ♪ Special night ♪

‐ ♪ What is Christmas? ♪

‐ ♪ What is Christmas? ♪

‐ ♪ What is Christmas? ♪

‐ ♪ Who comes around on a special night? ♪

‐ ♪ Who's got boots and a suit of red? ♪

‐ 20 bucks says I can do two laps in under a minute.

‐ 50 bucks says I can do three.

‐ Aah! ‐ Oh, my word. ‐ It's an onslaught.

‐ Abby, get the Santa. ‐ [ strained grunt ]

‐ Abby, what are you doing way over there?

‐ Abby, what do you do?

‐ Abby? ABBY: Harper!

‐ Abby.

‐ Abby.

‐ Abigail, don't worry.

‐ Ah, indeed. Let me take you over.

‐ Ah, yeah.

‐ Ah, you're going to that, too?

‐ All this because you're scared to not be the favorite.

‐ Am I crazy, or did you have absolutely no idea

‐ And can you not? I'm trying to have an even number.

‐ And I guess you don't know what it is

‐ And smile. TED: Hold on.

‐ And this is Sloane's room.

‐ And what about your parents? I‐‐

‐ Are you enjoying the party?

‐ Are you having fun?

‐ Are you kidding me?

‐ Are you sure you're okay? ‐ Yeah.

‐ Are you telling me how to do my job? ABBY: There are cameras everywhere.

‐ Are you the ex‐boyfriend?

‐ Are you tired?

‐ As always. ‐ Oh, my God.

‐ Aw. ‐ Mm.

‐ Aw. [ camera clicks ]

‐ Baby, I know.

‐ Because I want to marry her.

‐ Because we were just having such a special night, and...

‐ Being mayor is no small task.

‐ Better than your room at the orphanage?

‐ But that being said, if you, you know,

‐ But, actually, I'd love to do... that again.

‐ Bye, kids. ‐ That's right. That's right.

‐ Can we open our stockings now?

‐ Can you believe‐‐ ‐ No, I'm gonna get her to sing, okay?

‐ Can you sh‐‐

‐ Come on, guys. Just hug it out.

‐ Come on, you guys.

‐ Connor, this is Harper's friend Abby.

‐ CRYSTAL: [ stammers ] Did you check it for legs, or‐‐

‐ Dave Grady? Didn't his son‐‐

‐ Deal.

‐ Definitely.

‐ Did he come down?

‐ Did you bring concealer?

‐ Did you hear she's doing her residency at Johns Hopkins?

‐ Did you need something, or did you just call to shame me?

‐ Did you steal it? ‐ No.

‐ Do you remember this summer

‐ Do you want me to come with you?

‐ Do you work here?

‐ Don't do this, Sloane.

‐ Don't have any fun without me. [ laughs ]

‐ Don't move one more muscle before I hug you!

‐ Don't, Sloane! SLOANE: Why?

‐ Eeny, meeny, mi‐‐

‐ Eric and I are getting a divorce.

‐ Eugene. ‐ [ Eugene stammers ]

‐ Everybody, please take your seats.

‐ Everyone say, "Christmas."

‐ Everything all right?

‐ Exactly.

‐ Excuse me.

‐ Eyes, eyes, eyes, eyes, eyes, eyes, eyes, eyes, eyes, eyes, eyes.

‐ Eyes, eyes. ‐ Eyes, eyes.

‐ Five days. That's what I said.

‐ Found it.

‐ Freeze! ERIC: Ooh.

‐ Fun fact: did you know that Christmas trees are responsible

‐ Gay? ‐ Yeah.

‐ Get arrested for exotic animal smuggling?

‐ Girls, stop that this instant!

‐ Give us the answer. ‐ ...answer.

‐ Goddamn it. We're‐‐ ‐ What are you‐‐

‐ Good morning.

‐ Good night. ‐ Good night.

‐ Got it. ‐ Dad, do you need me to do anything?

‐ Great. Right. ERIC: Yeah.

‐ Great. So, you girls can tag along with Sloane to the mall.

‐ Gross. Can I have some? ‐ Yeah.

‐ Guess it's just gonna be you and me. Fun.

‐ H‐How did you even‐‐

‐ Harper is a lesbian.

‐ Harper told me this story.

‐ Harper, did you see that the Bennetts are here?

‐ Harper, I would never ask two grown women to share the same bed.

‐ Harper, we have got to go.

‐ Harper, we've been up since 5:45 a.m.... ‐ This is the last batch.

‐ Harper! ‐ [ gasping, yelling ]

‐ Harper! ‐ [ Sloane and Harper screaming ]

‐ Harper! WOMAN: Are you peeping?

‐ Harper.

‐ Has Jane arrived yet?

‐ Have they ever met a lesbian?

‐ He just needs a little time.

‐ He's definitely still into her.

‐ He's got the eyes of a Verg but the heart of a Zengle.

‐ Hello?

‐ Hello? HARRY: Merry Christmas, Ted.

‐ Hello.

‐ Hello.

‐ Here they are. ‐ My babies.

‐ Here we are.

‐ Here you go. Thank you so much for coming.

‐ Here, here. Yeah, yeah, come on.

‐ Hey, come here. Come here.

‐ Hey, could I get a vodka neat?

‐ Hey, guys. How's it going?

‐ Hey, I wasn't trying to eavesdrop or anything.

‐ Hey, I'm gonna miss you, too.

‐ Hey, I'm‐I'm really looking forward to dinner tonight.

‐ Hey, if she doesn't sleep with him, then I will.

‐ Hey, morning. Merry Christmas. ‐ Hi.

‐ Hey, Ted. How you doing? ‐ Great.

‐ Hey.

‐ Hey.

‐ Hey.

‐ Hey.

‐ Hey.

‐ Hey. ‐ Hey.

‐ Hey. ‐ Hey. Hey.

‐ Hi, Abby.

‐ Hi, Connor. CONNOR: Hi, Jane.

‐ Hi, Dad. ‐ Jane, glad you're here.

‐ Hi, Dad. [ laughs ] ‐ Oh, look at you.

‐ Hi, Daddy. ‐ Did you get Harper's article I sent you?

‐ Hi, guys. Do you, um, want to come over‐‐

‐ Hi, Jane. JANE: Oh. Oh, hi.

‐ Hi, you guys. Hi.

‐ Hi! ‐ Hi.

‐ Hi.

‐ Hi.

‐ Hi.

‐ Hi. ‐ Hi, sweetie.

‐ Hi. ‐ Hi.

‐ Hi. ‐ Hi.

‐ Hi. Can I have a sip of your drink?

‐ Hi. Can I help you?

‐ Hi. I'm... SLOANE: Because she's a grown‐up, sweetie.

‐ Hmm? Yeah? ‐ Can we just talk for a sec?

‐ Ho, ho, ho. Merry Christmas Eve. TED: Oh.

‐ Honestly, I feel sorry for you.

‐ Honey, are you sure this is the best time?

‐ Honey, I don't know if we're gonna have time

‐ Honey, no.

‐ Honey, we're very late.

‐ How about this?

‐ How are you? ‐ Yeah. Hey.

‐ How do you know that?

‐ How'd you get there?

‐ How's it going? ‐ Great.

‐ Huh, maybe you should just

‐ I am gonna leave you two to get acquainted.

‐ I am not hiding you. I am hiding me.

‐ I am not in the closet.

‐ I am.

‐ I could take her down. Yeah, let's go.

‐ I didn't do it.

‐ I don't have any secrets, but I am an ally.

‐ I don't know what this is.

‐ I don't know, you weren't answering me, so I was‐‐

‐ I don't know.

‐ I don't know. ‐ Hmm.

‐ I don't know. In the oven?

‐ I don't want to have this conversation anymore.

‐ I don't‐‐ ‐ Hey, stop.

‐ I get to go meet the people that made my favorite person.

‐ I guess I'm not the only one with a secret.

‐ I haven't checked it for legs. ‐ You haven't done that.

‐ I haven't seen it.

‐ I heard there were Cruffins in here.

‐ I just want to go home.

‐ I just went and got a white elephant gift.

‐ I just woke up thinking about going home with you and got...

‐ I know it's not ideal. I‐‐

‐ I know, but it's not that big of a deal,

‐ I know, I know, but... [ groans ]

‐ I know.

‐ I know.

‐ I know. I didn't listen.

‐ I know. That lifestyle choice.

‐ I love it when they do this.

‐ I love that.

‐ I love you guys. I love you.

‐ I love you, girls.

‐ I mean‐‐ ‐ You stay out of this, Sappho.

‐ I mean, but don't, you know,

‐ I mean, I guess he's handsome. I‐‐

‐ I moved in like six months ago.

‐ I put 100 hours into that painting, and you...

‐ I see what you're doing.

‐ I should have her look at my mole.

‐ I should run. Yeah. ‐ Yeah.

‐ I started an Instagram feed

‐ I suppose that's one way of looking at it.

‐ I think it's probably an accurate assumption.

‐ I took lessons for eight years.

‐ I tracked you. John taught me.

‐ I want you to break out of that closet. [ camera clicks ]

‐ I was gonna ask her to marry me tomorrow.

‐ I was gonna‐‐ I‐‐

‐ I was just taking a break from diagnosing everyone's mystery illnesses.

‐ I was thinking of doing it on New Year's,

‐ I will help you with this.

‐ I would‐‐

‐ I wrote it all down.

‐ I‐‐ It's impressive.

‐ I‐‐ Well, I guess I must have been sleepwalking.

‐ I‐I didn't take this necklace. CRYSTAL: Wow.

‐ I‐I didn't want to sleepwalk again.

‐ I‐I know, but you‐you knew I was out with my friends.

‐ I'd do that. ‐ [ chuckles ]

‐ I'll call you.

‐ I'll come right back. ‐ Okay. TED: N‐No, honey.

‐ I'll find them. TED: Okay.

‐ I'm Abby.

‐ I'm glad you came out. ‐ Yeah.

‐ I'm gonna go.

‐ I'm gonna take the twins to the kids' club.

‐ I'm just gonna do a button. Can I‐‐ ‐ No, no.

‐ I'm just gonna...

‐ I'm not doing any of those things. ED: Smash and grab?

‐ I'm not going.

‐ I'm not shaming you.

‐ I'm not suggesting that it grew legs.

‐ I'm really sorry.

‐ I'm so great.

‐ I'm so sorry.

‐ I'm so sorry.

‐ I'm sorry about all this mess.

‐ I'm sorry, ask her dad for his blessing?

‐ I'm sorry, I left a gentleman alone in my apartment,

‐ I'm sorry, that's‐‐ I'm sorry.

‐ I'm sorry? ‐ Weights.

‐ I'm sorry.

‐ I'm sorry.

‐ I'm sorry. ‐ That's okay.

‐ I'm suffocating you?

‐ I'm that way. [ laughs ]

‐ Is everything okay?

‐ Is that the ex‐boyfriend?

‐ Is that why we broke up?

‐ Isn't it a one‐bedroom?

‐ Isn't it?

‐ It is legendary.

‐ It is not that simple. ABBY: Do you know how painful

‐ It is nothing.

‐ It is. Yeah.

‐ It just feels a little... suffocating.

‐ It must be freeing to be so self‐involved

‐ It was a surprise. ‐ Yeah.

‐ It was really nice.

‐ It was.

‐ It was.

‐ It's a long list.

‐ It's a painting of Main Street.

‐ It's all we have.

‐ It's been a minute, you know, since we've gotten to do this.

‐ It's funny, I remember you telling me that story.

‐ It's my early Christmas present.

‐ It's my room.

‐ It's not gonna work out.

‐ It's not looking good, sweetie.

‐ It's not so bad.

‐ It's probably okay.

‐ It's so nice to meet you, too.

‐ It's the only time.

‐ It's very cool.

‐ It's very impressive.

‐ It's... it's five days.

‐ Jane, I just can't believe you're still working on that book.

‐ Jane, is that‐‐ That's what you're wearing, right? ‐ Yeah.

‐ Jane, time! ‐ Oh, I forgot to press start.

‐ Jane. ‐ Mom, can you just‐‐

‐ Jane. Oh, my God.

‐ John's gonna cover for me.

‐ Just choose, Jane. ‐ [ chuckles ]

‐ Just making sure you're okay.

‐ Just tell me. ‐ I wish I had a story, like‐‐

‐ Just‐just‐just come over here.

‐ Just, uh, please don't tell Mom and Dad yet.

‐ Keeping tabs on you? ‐ Yeah.

‐ Let me know if you guys need any more room.

‐ Let's do it. Jane, time us.

‐ Let's look at gum.

‐ Levi. [ clears throat ] We should‐‐

‐ Like hide‐and‐seek?

‐ Like I'm even trying. ‐ Like it would even matter.

‐ Like, so bad for them that...

‐ Like, to what?

‐ Literally in a cabin running a fever.

‐ Look at what this little elf brought in.

‐ Look at you.

‐ Look, some of us were here when you said to be here.

‐ Look, this is actually a really good opportunity

‐ Maybe it grew legs and then it walked into her bag.

‐ Men need offices, dear.

‐ Merry Christmas.

‐ Merry‐‐ HARRY: I'll get right to it.

‐ Mm‐hmm.

‐ Mm‐hmm.

‐ Mm‐hmm.

‐ Mm‐hmm.

‐ Mm‐hmm. Okay. ‐ Oh, and the apartment on Butler

‐ Mm.

‐ Mm. ‐ Ow.

‐ Mm. Mm‐hmm. Mm. ‐ Uh‐huh.

‐ Mm. Uh...

‐ Mom, do you mind?

‐ Mom, what are you doing? [ camera clicking ]

‐ Mommy, when are we gonna see Santa?

‐ Morning, kids.

‐ Morning. ‐ Morning, Abby.

‐ Morning. HARPER: Hey, Mom.

‐ Morning. TED: Abby.

‐ Move! ‐ No!

‐ Ms. Levin, it is an honor. ‐ [ Harry chuckles ]

‐ My roommate.

‐ My therapist is taking care of them, but we should have

‐ Nice to meet you.

‐ Nice to meet you. ERIC: Mm‐hmm.

‐ Night. TIPPER: Night, Abby.

‐ No Harper?

‐ No more surprises.

‐ No pressure. HARPER: Yeah.

‐ No problem.

‐ No, A‐Abby will stay in Jane's old room.

‐ No, because I told them that you had nowhere else to go

‐ No, don't say that.

‐ No, don't say that. ‐ [ Abby laughs ]

‐ No, I don't want to lose you. ‐ No, no.

‐ No, I'm H‐Harper's friend.

‐ No, I'm not.

‐ No, it's nice to catch up.

‐ No, it's not about owning her.

‐ No, just to say good night to Abby.

‐ No, no, I...

‐ No, no, no, I‐I genuinely want to go.

‐ No, no, no, no. CONNOR: No, Abby, Abby, hey.

‐ No, not yet.

‐ No, not you. No. ‐ Oh.

‐ No, she's, um, with her family.

‐ No, um, I hadn't heard that.

‐ No, we'll be quick.

‐ No.

‐ No.

‐ No.

‐ No.

‐ No.

‐ No.

‐ No. ‐ Are we dying?

‐ No. [ scoffs ]

‐ No. Fine, I will take you.

‐ No. I got to go. I‐I can't‐‐

‐ No. Jane. No. ‐ Num, num.

‐ No. No, no.

‐ No. No, what? Oh, my God, no. ‐ What?

‐ None of this has anything to do with Riley.

‐ Not exactly.

‐ Nothing.

‐ Nothing. I‐‐

‐ Oh, Abby's here. CONNOR: Shots, shots, shots.

‐ Oh, actually, I think we're gonna need one more chair.

‐ Oh, and this is Harper's orphan friend.

‐ Oh, darn. ‐ Where are you?

‐ Oh, do not put that there.

‐ Oh, God, you hate it.

‐ Oh, God! [ yells ]

‐ Oh, God. Sorry.

‐ Oh, gosh.

‐ Oh, Harper, come with us.

‐ Oh, hey. Hey.

‐ Oh, I didn't want to wait one more second

‐ Oh, I was changing the air filters. ‐ It's sticky.

‐ Oh, I would be delighted.

‐ Oh, I‐I wasn't in an orphanage,

‐ Oh, I‐I would hate to miss some of these stories.

‐ Oh, I'm actually having fun just‐‐

‐ Oh, I'm‐I'm working on my PhD in art history over at Carnegie Mellon.

‐ Oh, it's a spiced... alcohol.

‐ Oh, Jane, I'm so glad you're here.

‐ Oh, Jane. ‐ [ Jane laughing ]

‐ Oh, my God, get someone to cover for you.

‐ Oh, my God. [ laughs ]

‐ Oh, my God. Are you okay?

‐ Oh, no, honey, you have the eye.

‐ Oh, no, sh‐she didn't ditch me.

‐ Oh, no.

‐ Oh, no. No, no.

‐ Oh, no. TIPPER: Abby.

‐ Oh, oh, I could show it to her. ‐ Okay.

‐ Oh, okay. I'm on it.

‐ Oh, please stop. ‐ Yeah.

‐ Oh, really?

‐ Oh, take them to see Santa Claus.

‐ Oh, thank you. You‐you know, that speech wasn't scripted.

‐ Oh, that is very dangerous.

‐ Oh, there's no lock on this door.

‐ Oh, this is‐‐ ‐ Abby. I'm Eric.

‐ Oh, um, I'm so sorry. ‐ Jane.

‐ Oh, we're gonna get a little more intimate now.

‐ Oh, what's there to talk about? You and Abby are in

‐ Oh, who else is joining us?

‐ Oh, wow.

‐ Oh, yeah.

‐ Oh, yeah. I had night terrors.

‐ Oh, yes, of course. Um, just wait right here.

‐ Oh, you didn't put it in your bag... ‐ Oh.

‐ Oh! ‐ Ooh.

‐ Oh.

‐ Oh.

‐ Oh.

‐ Oh.

‐ Oh.

‐ Oh.

‐ Oh. ‐ Hold it. Hold it.

‐ Oh. ‐ Is the white whale here?

‐ Oh. ‐ Yeah.

‐ Oh. ‐ Yes.

‐ Oh. [ laughs ]

‐ Oh. Actually, I told Dad that I'd go to his office

‐ Oh. Hey.

‐ Oh. One of the lucky ones.

‐ Oh. SLOANE: You have to stand, honey.

‐ Oh. Two at a time. ‐ Oh.

‐ Oh. Yay. ‐ [ Jane laughs ]

‐ Oh. You settling in okay? ABBY: Hey.

‐ Oh... baby, you don't‐‐ You don't have to come with me.

‐ Okay, and I think we'll just settle in now.

‐ Okay, enough shoptalk. Let's continue.

‐ Okay, here we go. Here we go. ‐ Around and face this way.

‐ Okay, I need some music. HARPER: Did you have dinner?

‐ Okay, I'm off.

‐ Okay, that one really wasn't my fault.

‐ Okay, there's something that we should talk about

‐ Okay, we can do this.

‐ Okay, well, that wasn't entirely accurate.

‐ Okay, you know what, I always felt like something was off.

‐ Okay, you say that, but what you're actually doing

‐ Okay.

‐ Okay.

‐ Okay.

‐ Okay.

‐ Okay.

‐ Okay.

‐ Okay.

‐ Okay.

‐ Okay.

‐ Okay. ‐ [ chuckles ]

‐ Okay. ‐ [ Tipper chuckling ]

‐ Okay. ‐ Carefully.

‐ Okay. ‐ I'm really tired.

‐ Okay. ‐ Oh, my God.

‐ Okay. ‐ Okay.

‐ Okay. ‐ Yeah, you bet.

‐ Okay. [ chuckles ] Thank you.

‐ Okay. [ door closes ]

‐ Okay. [ sighs ]

‐ Okay. Bye. TED: See you later.

‐ Okay. Everyone say, "Christmas."

‐ Okay. I got to shower.

‐ Okay. Thank you.

‐ Okay. Thank you.

‐ Okay. TIPPER: Okay.

‐ Okay. Well, we'll just show Abby to her room.

‐ Okay. Yeah.

‐ Ooh, okay.

‐ Or not, but just‐‐

‐ Pittsburgh Post‐Gazette.

‐ Pittsburgh, huh?

‐ Please. I've always skated circles around you.

‐ Question. ‐ ...question.

‐ Remind me, what did your parents say when you told them you were gay?

‐ Riley. ‐ Sloane.

‐ Settle down. JANE: I'm settled!

‐ She is lying.

‐ She is. ‐ No, it's‐it's‐‐

‐ She's a really good one.

‐ Shit. ‐ Uh...

‐ Shots! ‐ Oh, shots. ABBY: It was great. It was good.

‐ Should we go to the ladies' room?

‐ Sloane, do you need a helper?

‐ Sloane, if you‐‐ ‐ [ gasps ] Wait. Kids?

‐ Sloane, making up lies about your sister.

‐ Sloane, you're making a scene!

‐ Smile.

‐ Snowman pancakes.

‐ So stop being a doormat, you fool.

‐ So, Sloane and Eric, you guys make gift baskets, right?

‐ So, this is our living room.

‐ So, what has she told you?

‐ So, what, her parents are believing that their straight daughter

‐ So, who do they think I am?

‐ Sorry about them. I'm Sloane.

‐ Sorry, I'm‐I'm just getting my stuff.

‐ Sorry, um...

‐ Stay there. I'm gonna get you down.

‐ Stop it, girls!

‐ Stop it! [ shouts ] ‐ You stop it!

‐ Stop it! Goddamn it, stop it! HARRY: Oh, my.

‐ Takes a long time to build a world.

‐ Technically, yes.

‐ Ted, the family holiday photo

‐ Ted, Tipper. [ laughs, squeals ]

‐ Thank you, Abby.

‐ Thank you, honey. ‐ Mm‐hmm.

‐ Thank you, Jane.

‐ Thank you, Ms. Levin, for coming,

‐ Thank you, Ms. Levin. HARRY: Hold on. There's an "if."

‐ Thank you!

‐ Thank you.

‐ Thanks, guys.

‐ Thanks.

‐ That is nice.

‐ That phone call earlier was a cry for help.

‐ That sounds fun. ‐ Mm.

‐ That sounds great.

‐ That sounds so nice, and, um...

‐ That was a good piece. ‐ Aw.

‐ That was awesome. ‐ Bye.

‐ That was just a comment based on an assumption

‐ That would be great.

‐ That you dated in high school.

‐ That‐that must have been incredible.

‐ That's a lot of trophies.

‐ That's amazing.

‐ That's okay?

‐ That's the way it goes. HARPER: Whoo!

‐ That's very sweet. [ toilet flushes over phone ]

‐ The distance. Yeah, I know, I know.

‐ The holidays were just a huge reminder of...

‐ Then what was that?

‐ Then why did you invite me?

‐ Then you must know that she very quickly gave it to Connor.

‐ There aren't any Cruffins.

‐ There wasn't someone else.

‐ They didn't take it well?

‐ They don't feel like having their picture taken tonight.

‐ They don't think it's weird that you're bringing

‐ This is beautiful.

‐ This is my masterpiece.

‐ This is perfect, Colleen. Thank you.

‐ To my parents' house for Christmas.

‐ Together. Yep, yep. TIPPER: Really laughing a lot.

‐ Ugh, not again.

‐ Uh‐huh.

‐ Uh‐huh. I'm‐I'm‐I'm okay.

‐ Uh, Harper, can I talk to you for a second?

‐ Uh, he's on a call. ‐ Oh, okay. Well‐‐

‐ Uh, I have sunk almost all of our savings

‐ Uh, it‐it ha‐‐ It happened a long time ago.

‐ Uh, Levi has a connection with a local potpourri vendor.

‐ Uh, the fish are‐‐ Yeah.

‐ Uh, we were playing a game.

‐ Uh, what is white elephant?

‐ Ultrasuede is, like, a water‐resistant fabric.

‐ Um, I might be tracking you,

‐ Um, I should‐‐ I should close out.

‐ Um, I'm gonna get you a real drink.

‐ Um, that they loved and supported me.

‐ Um...

‐ Um... ‐ [ gasping ]

‐ Wait, Abby.

‐ Wait, where are we going?

‐ Wait.

‐ Wait. No, no.

‐ Wait. Okay, I'll come right back.

‐ Want to go for a walk?

‐ Was that the Riley?

‐ We are going to get that Christmas photo tonight

‐ We could just stay up here.

‐ We don't care if you win.

‐ We have been so worried about seeming perfect.

‐ We meet again.

‐ We put the necklace in Abby's bag.

‐ We shouldn't have done that.

‐ We'll figure something out.

‐ We're already proud of you.

‐ We're gonna ask you a...

‐ We're in elementary school.

‐ We're meeting a major donor at the party.

‐ Well, I can assure you,

‐ Well, I feel really suffocated in the closet

‐ Well, I want to. HARPER: No.

‐ Well, I'm that way.

‐ Well, maybe they both are.

‐ Well, sorry to barge in.

‐ Well, we loved having you, son. TIPPER: That was lovely.

‐ Well, who knows, maybe...

‐ Well?

‐ Well...

‐ What are we doing here?

‐ What are you doing down this way?

‐ What are you doing?

‐ What are you drinking?

‐ What did you mean last night when you said you could relate?

‐ What do you bench? ‐ [ sighs ]

‐ What do you guys think about this white elephant game?

‐ What do you mean?

‐ What do you mean?

‐ What do you want to do for two hours?

‐ What happened to the fish?

‐ What is going on with you?

‐ What is it?

‐ What is Ultrasuede?

‐ What the hell happened tonight?

‐ What was that? CRYSTAL: Yeah, hocking crank

‐ What‐what do you want?

‐ What, is she not gonna stay up here with me?

‐ What?

‐ What?

‐ What?

‐ What? No, this is so nice.

‐ What? What? No, I don't‐‐ I don't want him.

‐ What? Where are you going?

‐ What'd I miss? [ panting ]

‐ What's going on in here?

‐ What's going on? You sound tense.

‐ What's wrong?

‐ When are you gonna get this?

‐ When I saw that mess upstairs,

‐ Where is Dad?

‐ Where?

‐ Who are you?

‐ Who said you could come downstairs?

‐ Who's watching the animals?

‐ Whoa!

‐ Whoa.

‐ Whoa. [ whirring ]

‐ Why did you block the door?

‐ Why don't you go ahead and do my job, hotshot? ‐ Good freaking luck.

‐ Why was Aunt Harper hiding in your room this morning?

‐ Why wouldn't I be?

‐ Why? Is Santa dying?

‐ Will you shut up and follow me, please?

‐ Wow, that's a beautiful piano.

‐ Wow.

‐ Wow.

‐ Wow. ‐ Yeah.

‐ Yeah, hi. You must be Abby.

‐ Yeah, I mean, that's a classic case of, um,

‐ Yeah, I mean, there's nothing more erotic

‐ Yeah, I wish I could go,

‐ Yeah, I'm just visiting. ‐ From where?

‐ Yeah, I'm picking up. My name's Abby Holland.

‐ Yeah, Jane's in Ted's office with him.

‐ Yeah, like hide‐and‐seek.

‐ Yeah, not at all. ‐ Oh, thank you.

‐ Yeah, of course. ‐ Thank you.

‐ Yeah, s‐‐ [ knocking ]

‐ Yeah, she's very helpful.

‐ Yeah, so the thing that I can relate to is just

‐ Yeah, that is‐‐ That's‐that's good mass.

‐ Yeah, the vessels are gorgeous.

‐ Yeah, we were practically already here.

‐ Yeah, what is going on?

‐ Yeah, you should‐‐ Yes, of course.

‐ Yeah.

‐ Yeah.

‐ Yeah.

‐ Yeah.

‐ Yeah.

‐ Yeah.

‐ Yeah.

‐ Yeah.

‐ Yeah.

‐ Yeah.

‐ Yeah.

‐ Yeah.

‐ Yeah.

‐ Yeah.

‐ Yeah.

‐ Yeah. ‐ [ laughs ] It's simple.

‐ Yeah. JANE: Bye.

‐ Yeah. Nice to meet you. JANE: You, too.

‐ Yeah. No, I‐I know. I'm just‐‐

‐ Yeah. This is Abby.

‐ Yeah. TIPPER: Thank you, Jane.

‐ Yeah. Totally got it. HARPER: Mm‐hmm.

‐ Yeah. Yeah. Really good.

‐ Yeah. Yes. TED: Okay.

‐ Yes, of course. ABBY: Hey, sir.

‐ Yes, she did. ‐ [ laughter ]

‐ Yes.

‐ Yes.

‐ Yes.

‐ Yes. ‐ Let's go.

‐ Yes. ‐ What are you doing on your phone?

‐ Yes. ‐ Yes.

‐ Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

‐ You can be totally honest with me.

‐ You can't decorate these. ‐ But they have buttons.

‐ You could tell. I mean, you were very‐‐

‐ You deserve to be with someone

‐ You didn't think I knew how to do that, did you?

‐ You got it. ‐ Dad, should I come, too?

‐ You have no idea what goes on in other people's families,

‐ You know what I was thinking about the other day?

‐ You know what was really good?

‐ You know, before law school,

‐ You know, you're right.

‐ You know? Thing is, my parents were so attached

‐ You moved in to her place?

‐ You need some space?

‐ You need to take a break yet, Sloane?

‐ You okay?

‐ You pulling a job?

‐ You pump?

‐ You think they like me as much as they love Connor?

‐ You think they like me?

‐ You told me to be here at 7:00, right?

‐ You're new.

‐ You're off to a really great start.

‐ You're so brave.

‐ You're sure Harry will be there tomorrow night, right?

‐ You're tracking him? ‐ Yeah. I track everybody.

‐ You've got to get one. ‐ I'm trying.

‐ You've read her work?

‐ Yummy, yummy, yummy. HARPER: Okay.

‐Mm‐hmm. ‐ So, Plort is the leader of the Shadow Dreamers.

...because I was so scared that you would find out

...our life together.

'cause I‐I was 19 when my parents died.

'cause I'm having this thing where if I stick my finger in my eye,

'cause she does plan on telling them immediately after the holidays.

'Cause... I have had many.

"but the entire Thorfian race rests on their shoulders.

"The Shadow Dreamers know they might not all make it out

"They look to each other and then into the darkness.

"they will enter floam territory.

"with their Krindoll intact,

[ "Blame It on Christmas" by Shea Diamond playing ]

[ "Candy Cane Lane" by Sia playing ]

[ "Jingle Bells" by Joy Oladokun playing ]

[ "Jingle Bells" instrumental playing ]

[ "Jingle Bells" instrumental plays ]

[ "Jolly Old Saint Nicholas" by Caveboy playing ]

[ "Make You Mine This Season" by Tegan and Sara playing ]

[ "Nothing Rhymes with Christmas" by Ana Gasteyer playing ]

[ "O Holy Night" instrumental playing ]

[ "The First Noel" plays softly over speakers ]

[ air hissing ] HARPER: Abby?

[ alarm blaring ] CRYSTAL: Hey! Ma'am!

[ applause ]

[ applause, cheering ] ‐ Thank you. Thank you so much.

[ birds chirping ]

[ camera clicking ]

[ camera clicking rapidly ]

[ camera clicks ]

[ camera clicks ]

[ cell phone chimes ]

[ cell phone chimes ] ‐ Oh, yikes.

[ cell phone vibrating ]

[ cell phone vibrating ]

[ chuckles ] I'm sorry. I didn't know I had a curfew.

[ chuckles ] It's not. It's not.

[ chuckles nervously ]

[ chuckling ] Stop it. ‐ [ laughs ]

[ chuckling ] Yes, of course.

[ clattering ]

[ clearing throat ]

[ clears throat ]

[ Connor groans ] [ Harper sighs ]

[ crying ] ...and throw away...

[ crying ] just had her heart broken

[ distant door closes ]

[ distant door closes ]

[ door closes ]

[ door closes ]

[ door opens ]

[ exhales ]

[ exhales sharply ]

[ footsteps ] [ TV continues indistinctly ]

[ footsteps approaching ]

[ footsteps approaching ]

[ footsteps in hall ]

[ footsteps passing ]

[ footsteps stomping ] ‐ Oh.

[ gasps ]

[ gasps ] ‐ [ Harper growls playfully ]

[ gasps ] Oh.

[ giggling ]

[ groans ]

[ grunting in frustration ] TED: No!

[ grunts ]

[ Harper sighs ]

[ Harper sighs ]

[ hushed ] the complete works of Sylvia Plath, so...

[ hushed ] You agreed to this.

[ in distance ] ♪ Dashing through the snow ♪

[ inhales deeply ]

[ knocking ]

[ knocking ] ‐ [ both gasp ]

[ laughing ] ‐ Harper.

[ laughing ] Oh, God.

[ laughing continues ]

[ laughs ] HARPER: I asked you to put this away.

[ laughs ] I'm just kidding.

[ music ends ]

[ music ends ] ‐ Oh!

[ music ends ] [ cheering, applause ]

[ over speakers ] ♪ Hey ♪

[ phone chimes ]

[ phone chimes ]

[ phone chimes ]

[ phone vibrating ]

[ piano playing "Silent Night" ]

[ quietly ] Thank you.

[ screams ] I'll kill you!

[ sighing ]

[ sighs ]

[ sighs ]

[ sighs ]

[ sighs ]

[ sighs ]

[ sighs ]

[ sighs ] And I can't find my Christmas brooch.

[ sighs ] I kind of want to stay a little bit longer.

[ sighs ] I'm sorry.

[ sighs ] Okay. I'm gonna go back inside.

[ sighs ] We do this party every year,

[ sighs, sniffles ]

[ sliding ] ‐ [ Abby grunts ]

[ sniffles ]

[ sniffles ]

[ song fades ] [ "Think of Christmas" by Anne‐Marie begins ]

[ squeals ] ABBY: Wow. What is that?

[ takes deep breath ]

[ takes deep, gasping breath ]

[ Tipper chuckles ] TED: Mm. Such a shame.

[ TV playing indistinctly ]

[ whooping ]

[ yelps ] ‐ [ man grunts ]

[ yelps, screams ] ‐ [ man grunts ]

♪ 'Cause I just can't keep my cool ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ A love like ours comes with the brightest of halos ♪

♪ A love like ours comes with the brightest of halos ♪

♪ A sleighing song tonight ♪

♪ About how it's never home ♪

♪ All is calm... ♪

♪ And the season feels new to me ♪

♪ And when does Christmas leave? ♪

♪ Bells on bobtails ring ♪

♪ Bells ring out on the street ♪

♪ Blame it on Christmas ♪

♪ Blame it on, blame it on Christmas ♪

♪ But I chase the feeling 'cause you keep me dreaming ♪

♪ But they know 'cause ♪

♪ But they know 'cause ♪

♪ Can't you guess? ♪

♪ Creating new history ♪

♪ Don't matter how cold it goes ♪

♪ Don't matter how deep the snow ♪

♪ Don't you remem... ♪

♪ Don't you tell a single soul ♪

♪ Every poet knows... ♪

♪ For what's about to unfold ♪

♪ Hands on my kneecap underneath the table ♪

♪ Hands on my kneecap underneath the table ♪

♪ Have I been good enough ♪ ‐ [ Sloane laughs ]

♪ Hmm, because you're here ♪

♪ Hmm, unless you're here ♪

♪ holiday music ♪

♪ holiday music playing over speakers ♪

♪ Holy night ♪

♪ Huh, because you're here ♪

♪ I just want to make you mine ♪

♪ I just want to make you mine. ♪

♪ I put a star on the top of my tree ♪

♪ I think of nothing more, nothing to do ♪

♪ I think of nothing more, nothing to do ♪

♪ I think of you ♪

♪ I think of you ♪

♪ I think of you ♪

♪ I think of you ♪

♪ I think of you ♪

♪ I think of you and me and a classic kiss ♪

♪ I think of you and me and a classic kiss ♪

♪ I think of you. ♪ [ song ends ]

♪ I write your name, I know it's foolish ♪

♪ I'll impress you with the colors of the rainbow ♪

♪ I've already made it home ♪

♪ In a one‐horse open sleigh ♪

♪ It's so magical, let's go there in your dreams ♪

♪ It's the best, so get dressed ♪

♪ It's the best... ♪

♪ It's the cutest thing I swear you'll ever see ♪

♪ Its light is gonna lead you straight to me ♪

♪ Jolly old Saint Nicholas ♪

♪ joyous holiday music ♪

♪ Laughing all the way ♪

♪ Lean your ear this way ♪

♪ Lights glowing in the trees ♪

♪ lively dance music ♪

♪ lively dance music ♪

♪ lively jazz music ♪

♪ Make you mine, make you mine this season ♪

♪ Making spirits bright ♪

♪ Modern love is what it is ♪

♪ Modern love is what it is ♪

♪ Must be Santa ♪

♪ Must be Santa ♪

♪ Must be Santa ♪

♪ Must be Santa ♪ [ cell phone chimes ]

♪ Must be Santa... ♪

♪ Nothing rhymes with Christmas ♪

♪ O'er the fields we go ♪

♪ Oh, give me forgiveness ♪

♪ Oh, jingle bells... ♪

♪ Ooh, why I'm acting a fool. ♪

♪ Penis ♪

♪ playful holiday music ♪

♪ playful music ♪

♪ Remember the snow angels ♪

♪ Rewriting my memories ♪

♪ Santa Claus ♪

♪ Santa Claus ♪

♪ Snow falling at our feet ♪

♪ Somebody broke your heart ♪

♪ Still at the kids' table even though we're grown ♪

♪ Still at the kids' table even though we're grown ♪

♪ Take a trip down Candy Cane Lane with me ♪

♪ Take a trip down Candy Cane Lane with me ♪

♪ tense music ♪

♪ That I could make you mine, make you mine this season ♪

♪ That when I think of Christmas ♪

♪ That when I think of Christmas ♪

♪ To ask for your love? ♪

♪ Under a Christmas tree... ♪

♪ Unorthodox anecdotes ♪

♪ Unwrap myself in front of you ♪

♪ Unwrap myself in front of you ♪

♪ upbeat holiday music ♪

♪ upbeat holiday music ♪

♪ upbeat holiday music ♪

♪ upbeat holiday music ♪

♪ upbeat holiday music ♪

♪ upbeat jazz music ♪

♪ uplifting music ♪

♪ We got a secret only you and me know ♪

♪ We got a secret only you and me know ♪

♪ What are we doing? ♪

♪ What fun it is to laugh and sing ♪

♪ What I'm gonna say... ♪

♪ When I think of Christmas ♪

♪ When I think of Christmas ♪

♪ When I think of Christmas ♪

♪ When I think of Christmas ♪

♪ When I think of Christmas ♪

♪ When I think of Christmas ♪

♪ While I'm tiding all of this yule ♪

♪ Who's got a beard that's long and white? ♪

♪ Why I'm out of control ♪

♪ Will you dance with me? ♪

♪ Yeah, they know ♪

♪ Yeah, they know ♪

♪ You're the only girl I've got on my list ♪