House of Lies - Season 5 Edit

A Douglas Guggenheim.

A glass of juice in his life.

A little end around?

A pretty good place.

A vast,

About Cuba.

About the shape of the administration,

About the skinny girl with the whisper voice.

About your sexual prowess?

Actually, but I just need you to shorten it.

Actually, Marty, you better call Monica,

Agriculture,

Agriculture, energy, polymers and paper.

Ah, yeah. Ha, ha, ha.

Ain't cool, Skip.

All repatriated after the revolution.

All right, listen, if anyone asks,

All right, so I'm standing there with Seth, right?

All right. We'll be in touch.

Am I interrupting?

An actual Cuban contact.

And by extension...

And drink until you pass out.

And gave Monica our plan on Cuba.

And give them to Monica?

And he...

And how long will we be there?

And I always thought there was kind of an unresolved

And I couldn't resist picking up that football.

And I don't give a shit

And I got no hits on a replacement sitter.

And I got to say, digestively speaking...

And I I appreciate it, but I'm not gonna call...

And I knew a Marceline from college... uh, Harvard...

And it was fine for our parents.

And parade me through the streets!

And Seth is gonna want my input.

And Skip is right. He is.

And the brains to help us make that happen...

And the Kohl brothers are going with Monica.

And the next, VagBreath69

And the payday of all motherfucking paydays, Marty,

And the pediatrician said

And then you were like, I want to be with you guys.

And there was just no work to go to,

And think about this?

And VagBreath69 is going to be his chief

And we have been through so much shit,

And we saw this old man,

And we've come out on the other side in, like,

And you do not want to over cinnamon, Martin.

And you want to slow down and think about it.

And... I don't want you to win.

Are umbrellas even available?

Are we done bullshitting?

Are you fucking kidding me?

Are you leaving?

Are you serious? No.

Assuming your ex wife

Aw.

Because I said so, Edgar.

Because I thought the whole point was

Because if you've only ever had

Because, a long time ago, I hurt his little feelings.

Before we do the very same to him.

Boy, you really want to open that thing, don't you?

But all I could think about was

But don't confuse me with being a patsy.

But I'd like for you to advise the campaign.

But if not, I need some guarantee.

But if we're just gonna hand the whole thing

But listen to me, I have put major time and resources

But that's just a formality.

But that's not what I sound like.

But then you actually started to want it,

But there's a possibility that is an actual snatch alert.

But what I know is that Skip fucking Galweather

By the way, if you guys are going this week,

Bye bye.

Campaign has a lot of big meetings

Can I get on this computer?

Can I give you a little word of advice, Clyde?

Can I? Uh, it's a communist country.

Can of orange juice you could just mix with water?

Can you imagine?

Centering around resort development.

Cha ching.

Choke on a druid's cock.

Classic Edgar.

Clyde, you have no experience in politics.

Clyde's been saying mean things about me on social media again.

Coke bottle glasses and ching chong accent.

Come on. I mean, obviously,

Correct.

Could pitch it to me

Couple of co workers just easing into their morning.

Cuba moves forward on my terms

Cuba strategy for the Kohl brothers.

Cuba, that's, like, a billion dollar opportunity.

Demand for hotel inventory

Determine the extent of the malware compromise.

Did I ever watch Gilligan's Island? What?

Did she do the whole, like,

Did you hear any of what I just said?

Did you hear how I did that?

Did you tell them why?

Do you remember that, like, concentrated

Do you understand?

Don't be so locked into societal conventions.

Don't bother, because it won't change a goddamn thing.

Don't even worry about it.

Don't forget to breathe. That's the way.

Don't sweat it, man.

Douche bag.

Douglas, for you.

E mailed.

Economic advisor.

Energy, polymers and paper.

Even lost our virginity to the same girl.

Excuse me.

Five, four, three,

Five, four, three, two,

For five minutes with the Kohls? Phoebe who?

For me with the Kohl brothers.

For Paw Paw!

For Paw Paw.

For Paw Paw.

For Paw Paw.

For some insider information?

For those giant ribbon cutting ones?

For you to wrangle this meeting,

From done... you understand that?

Fucking communists stole our birthright.

Fucking knew it was you. Marty!

Fucking nanny.

Get your head in the game, Edgar.

Give me a break.

Go on.

God, no.

God, was there ever even a Seth Buckley?

Good bye, Seth! Good bye!

Good, good.

Great man.

Great, great, great to see you.

Great, we win.

Great.

Great.

Guys. Guys.

Ha...

Had details about Monica's plan that matched ours exactly.

Has turned Seth into a social media sensation.

Have you thought about it for one minute?

Have you thought about what our lives

He imprisons the castaways because, get this,

He still thinks it's World War Two.

He was played by this white actor.

He's joking. He's kidding.

He's just upset

Hello, Marty?

Here we go. Five, four...

Hey, Clyde, you're here.

Hey, Doug?

Hey, fingers crossed.

Hey, how's it going?

Hey, I'll meet you guys inside, okay?

Hey, let's not forget

Hey, Marty, did you ever watch Gilligan's Island?

Hey.

Hmm?

Holy shit.

How does Rocky Road make me a wet noodle?

How Monica figured out our plan.

How that affects our co parenting.

How's work? How are the kids?

Huge position in his administration.

Huh? That got your fucking attention, didn't it?

Humans are animals.

I am not a pussy.

I am not locked in.

I asked you a question, young lady.

I chose Monica...

I dare you.

I didn't say I don't want to win it.

I didn't, uh, think you'd be here.

I do give a shit

I do not fucking know, Jeannie.

I don't know if Cuba's ready for the Kohl brothers.

I don't know, Douglas.

I don't know, I felt like he must have been,

I don't know.

I don't know. I also,

I don't know... the kind that promised to shake things up?

I don't remember.

I don't want a fucking latte.

I figured you would.

I fucking swear...

I got you. Good night, Jeannie.

I have.

I haven't heard anything...

I just said I don't know.

I know it'll be a huge win if we can parlay Cuba

I know that your guys are all about untapped markets.

I know you got a day job,

I mean, fucking Monica, right?

I mean, I really thought you got the big job

I mean, no sweat.

I mean, we're gonna have an opening soon.

I might want to take Phoebe to Rome.

I need goddamn time.

I really came in here to gloat. I don't care about your advice.

I represent the Kohl brothers.

I said I think you should go to a bar

I serve that up to the Kohls, they'll lift me up on my back

I should be on that plane to Cuba.

I think I might know

I think I'm just gonna take a mommy daughter day.

I think she knows we're hip to the fake cold.

I thought you were eating out today, JR.

I told him it was over.

I want to be with you guys.

I want to deliver this the old fashioned way.

I was right there with you till that part.

I was thinking more like a larger equity piece.

I was thinking,

I wasn't gonna find out? What is this?

I will be joining late.

I will send you a box of cigars

I'll go do my homework.

I'll, um, I'll meet you downstairs. I forgot to...

I'm a baby bird!

I'm Charlie Brown? I'm Charlie Brown?

I'm doing it!

I'm excellent. I'm not even some...

I'm flying!

I'm gonna offer you a job.

I'm gonna put this exactly where it belongs.

I'm just saying can we slow down for a minute

I'm not gonna say it. Um...

I'm not saying it definitely is,

I'm so sorry, Marty.

I'm so sorry. I apologize.

I've been saying that for years, thank you.

I've e mailed I. T. a bunch of times,

I've heard that Denmark is really beautiful.

If it rains, you can always buy an umbrella in Cuba.

If the sale goes through.

If we're gonna win this thing.

If you don't get this guy on the phone right fucking now.

If you're here, who's running the city?

In front of the computer and wait for the thing.

In the meantime, I guess, I'll just go sit in my office

In the trash there.

Into an offer from the Kohls to buy K and A.

Into cultivating Orozco, predating my employment here.

Into many arenas, such as...

Is about to shoot through the motherfucking roof.

Is not scurrying down a rabbit hole, Marty.

Is telling you to

Is that Jeannie? Hello, Jeannie.

Is that the kind of guarantee you're looking for, Ron?

Is that we are not going to have our company.

Is that what you're planning on doing?

Isn't going to change that.

Isn't this nice?

It did not come off insanely paranoid.

It seems that Ron hedged his bets

It was like he got all dressed up to go to work,

It's 1965; the war's been over for 20 years!

It's actually kind of sad.

It's all good. Hey, we're glad you're here.

It's always nice to hold on to a piece of your childhood.

It's happening.

It's not cool, Skip.

It's not even noon.

It's supposed to rain early next week;

Jeannie,

Jeannie, if you're gonna try to stop us,

Jeannie, we're not 83.

Jeannie, we're not gonna end up on a fucking park bench.

Jesus, Doug.

Jesus.

Josh and Cathy. They sound good.

Josh DuVall?

Josh has been at this for 30 years.

Just to pursue a personal vendetta?

Just, um, leave it in place for now.

Kohl brothers are gonna eat this shit up.

Last meeting didn't go as expected?

Let me hear it.

Let's just cancel the Kohl brothers meeting, too.

Let's make 'em ready.

Like, a pin striped.

Like, I grew up on apple juice and orange juice.

Like, Yves Saint Laurent.

Listen, I know you're looking

Listen, I need for you to arrange a meeting

Listen, I was wondering about your Cuba contact.

Listen, Monica hacked into our server, okay?

Little League. Excuse me.

Look, I don't give a shit about you.

Man, I loved that show.

Man, you really need to taste this.

Marty,

Marty, did you think

Marty, Marty.

Marty, Ron gave you the keys to Cuba, right?

Marty, that... that doesn't make any sense.

Maybe reading an online article or two.

Maybe we should just skip the whole Cuba thing.

Mm hmm. Can you fix it?

Monica already brought us Cuba this morning, slowpoke.

Monica can still read our e mails.

Monica's bleeding out.

My pal, my mentee.

Navigating Cuban bureaucracy, but Ron Zobel's

Next mayor of Los Angeles.

No, I I... I understand how difficult it was

No, no, wait, hold on, don't... don't do anything.

No, she went with stomach flu.

No, we're not.

No, you absolutely do not spark joy, dress. No.

No? Good. Great.

No.

No.

No.

No. No.

Not for the pigeons.

Not for the pigeons.

Not like there's a ticking clock

Now, the tricky part is gonna be

Now, we understand that Monica Talbot made you a lot

Now, you don't want to win this thing?

Obviously, it's not gonna get to the point

Of all the ways you could have fucked over this company...

Of big promises, but she doesn't have what we have.

Of course you got to meet with Josh DuVall first.

Of K and A's interest in Cuba.

Of my economic council. He's great.

Oh, hey, Dad. Hey, Jeannie.

Oh, hey! Holy shit.

Oh, I don't want to get Phoebe sick.

Oh, my God, is that a snatch alert?

Oh, my... Po cock!

Oh, shit, did I yank away that football again?

Oh, that's profound.

Oh, the view is amazing from up here!

Oh, well, if that's

Oh, well, if you're not going,

Oh, yeah, what are we doing?

Oh, you dare me, do you?

Oh, you want me to double my output of PSLs?

Oh! Ow.

Oh.

Okay, all right.

Okay, I like where your head's at.

Okay, I need your head in the game

Okay, look, I don't know if any of you heard

Okay, then we don't.

Okay, well, it's always a pleasure to see you, Skip.

Okay, well...

Okay, y'all were watching some porn. Okay.

Okay, you know what?

Okay, your server was definitely compromised.

Okay? And I've eaten a lot of shit from you.

Okay? If they can establish a foothold in Cuba,

Okay? Yep, there you go.

Okay. Great.

Okay... Oh. You know what?

On them spending $100 million dollars

On this fucking thing.

On you clicking on Quick Snatch Alert?

Once they have established a toehold in Cuba,

One.

Or if if the sale goes through,

Or not at all.

Or what our our daughter's life

Or you dickheads

Our father locked us in our room.

Our father wanted us to understand that.

Our grandfather had substantial holdings there.

Our preliminary discussions.

Over to Skip Galweather,

Phoebe and I had a pretty interesting day.

Phoebe, Phoebe, Phoebe, Phoebe.

Phoebe, there's a fly!

Phoebe!

Phoebe.

Phoebe...

Playing with other people's money

Please don't pick this particular moment

Post election, first order of business.

Pretty certain we're about to get yelled at, Douglas.

Previously on House of Lies...

PSLs?

Pumpkin spice lattes.

Put it a goblet and drink it.

Regardless, we're gonna have to discuss

Right back into standing crunches.

Right here in the, uh...

Right the fuck now!

Right there, yeah.

Right?

Ron, just how preliminary have these discussions been?

Ron. Just the man I was looking for.

Said whichever one of us

See, people are taking a closer look at him.

Seems that Ron was able to get us five minutes

Sending those sexy pics to you personally.

Seth Buckley is going to be the new mayor.

Seth Buckley is leading the polls,

Sexual tension between us.

She's actually got a very smart plan,

She's gonna be his deputy.

Shit.

Should I be packing an umbrella?

Should I move away from you?

Since she doesn't know you know.

Sippin' a nice cup of joe.

Skip just called,

Slapping around that boy band

So all that sweet talking you were doing at the beginning,

So guess who called in sick again?

So he... he sat down and fed the pigeons.

So I checked around

So I'll have his aide reach out and set up a time...

So I'll run AMP to remove the malicious files.

So if you don't mind...

So shorten it. Shorter is always better.

So we are taking the measured response of trashing his office

So we win. Let's say we win, okay?

So whatever Hail Marty you're planning on throwing,

So when would we be going?

So, Ron?

So...

So... why would he do that if he's just gonna turn around

Social media can be a fickle mistress.

Sorry.

Spent our formative years together.

Stop talking, Doug.

Straight off the plane, already has to check Facebook.

Take off the Coke bottle glasses, Hirohito.

Tell her we surrender.

Thank you.

Thanks, man.

That Monica is the smarter play.

That my cousin Edgar is visiting from out of town.

That she'd be happy if he never had

That that... that we're not supposed to jump right back in.

That was just bullshit?

That you said, whatever, it's great.

That...

That's 1.5 million American visitors per year,

That's a lot of candy.

That's above my pay grade.

That's fine. I'll take care of it, Skipper.

That's horribly irresponsible.

That's Monica.

That's not how I sound like.

That's right, Uncle Marty has a plan that is gonna make

That's why you still beat the shit out of each other.

That's you, right?

The infection point is a computer registered to

The kind from Starbucks, man...

The kind who's gonna challenge the establishment

The King of the TED Talk,

The Kohl brothers can extend their tentacles

The Kohl brothers can spread

The Kohl brothers' Havana Nights wet dream a reality.

The only thing that's gonna change

The point is money, Jeannie.

The PowerPoint on the fucking Cuba pitch?

The, uh, the last part, right?

Their many tentacles into other arenas.

Then what?

There was this one episode

There's a fly in here.

This guy, always with the status updates, huh?

This is a gate change announcement for Flight 317.

This is by far the least surprising.

This is great. This is great.

This is impressive.

This is JR, my office mate,

This is the exact type of break we needed.

This requires focus,

This was never a real competition.

Tho Those, actually, those are from Marceline,

Thought we were talking about Cuba.

To arrange a sit down?

To buy Talbot & Company as opposed to us?

To end all motherfucking paydays.

To get Skip's dick hard about Cuba ASAP.

To go scurrying down the rabbit hole.

Told us there was only one candy bar.

Toward Cuba right now,

Truth is...

Trying to fit into 60, 000 hotel rooms.

Two, one. Almost there.

Uh, a dynamo in '73.

Uh, give Phoebe a kiss for me, okay?

Uh, I'm good there.

Uh, JR, this is my cousin Edgar.

Uh, oh, no, no, no!

Uh, trying to plan for my future

Uh, yeah... yeah, all that.

Uh...

Uh...

Uh... yeah. No, I know that. That's...

Um, Edgar grew up a couple towns over from me.

Um, how about I guarantee I will stomp a mud hole in your ass

Um, was that the magic man?

Untamed frontier, just off the coast of Florida.

Until they sign on that dotted line,

Very funny, Clyde.

Viva la Galweather, baby!

Voice with the cough, like...

Wait a sec, you... you didn't think I was gonna...

Wait, what?

Wait, what?

Wake up, you lazy bum.

Wake up.

War's over.

Was a complete waste of my time.

Was still standing in an hour got it.

We are far

We are orbiting the fucking payday

We are who we are.

We are. May we?

We can still win this thing.

We clear?

We could be there

We did that every night for a year.

We dropped Mommy's stuff off at the dry cleaner.

We get bored, we'll just go back to work.

We got you shoes.

We mix the dust and the blood,

We screw people over all the time,

We went to the park.

We'll look at the file trajectory,

We're going 55 fucking thousand miles an hour

We're gonna blow her right out of the water.

We're gonna take back what's ours.

We're not sitting here today if not for him.

We're vigilant about not forgetting that lesson.

We've pounded Skip into a fine dust.

Well, no.

Well, sure, now that I told you.

What a lovely surprise.

What did you say?

What does your favorite ice cream say

What kind of candy bar? Doesn't matter.

What kind of mayor would I be if I chose you over him?

What the fuck are you doing?

What the fuck is wrong with you guys?

What the fuck?

What was her name again?

What, what is it that you want?

What? Why?

What...?

What's he up to?

What's the backstory

What's the point?

When I am building hotels with Marriott in Cuba.

When I was eight and Sean was nine,

When the Kohl brothers hear what I have to pitch,

When the sale goes through...

When we were kids, I feel like all we did was drink juice.

Where should we go now?

Where this Japanese sailor gets washed up onshore.

Where we're buying birdseed, but I just...

Where, you know, we're buying birdseed...

Where's my head? I'll call them.

Which is funny.

Which is something you could use to your advantage

Whichever firm has the balls

Who brought Monica into our lives in the first place.

Who was, uh, in this amazing suit.

Whoa...!

Why engage on this, right?

Why? Because I've got my thumb... boom... on the scale,

With his bold new vision... do you remember that shit?

With the trade ban lifted,

Work those baby abs.

World is a jungle.

Would be like if this happens?

Would be like if this happens?

Would you ever consider coming to work here, Bruce?

Wow, you don't see it coming again?

Yeah, he's gonna be the executive director

Yeah, I heard.

Yeah, I know that, Doug.

Yeah, one second, because, you know,

Yeah, Orozco and I have already had

Yeah, resort development is the tip of the spear.

Yeah, Ron Zobel says hi.

Yeah, that sounds good.

Yeah, you know what I was thinking?

Yeah, you know what?

Yeah!

Yeah?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. Because you'd be sitting in the captain's chair, right?

Yeah. I have not broached the topic

Yeah. Oh, God, listen to him.

Yeah. Yes. Yes. Sorry.

You can tell from that story that he sounds cool.

You didn't tell them?

You do the same with Ron Zobel.

You don't remember her name?

You don't remember.

You got a gnarly piece of malware here.

You got to be kidding. So coming down here

You got to call Cisco Security.

You haven't grown too attached to Phoebe, have you?

You hedgey motherfucker.

You know I can't think when I'm wet.

You know I've been a good soldier.

You know what, fuck, before I forget.

You know what, go do your homework, okay?

You know what? I'm good.

You know what? I've actually recently switched to tea,

You know, we've never had that kind of time before.

You know, why you insisted

You lost, move on.

You see, he doesn't really believe

You see, Skip thinks I'm an asshole.

You should keep in mind it is twice as much fun as it looks.

You still have a connection in Cuba, right?

You think she's above pumping her own kid

You want to win this thing, right?

You were supposed to be home an hour ago, you realize that?

You what what I can't wait to do?

You're already talking like I'm gonna offer you a job.

You're creeping me out. What's up?

You're gonna love him. And Cathy, too.

You're into sex. That's cool.

You're my cousin Edgar from out of town, okay?

You're not quite getting it. I'm gonna speak slowly.

You're still a baby bird, okay?

You're the magic man.

Your attitude, I guess we won't go anywhere.

Your penis?

Your snatch alert?

All right. Nice meeting you.

doesn't win the offer first. Correct.

Doug... I I'm on it, Marty.

for Phoebe in a very real way. Fuck yeah.

Fuck, my face. What?

Getting right down to it, huh? Yeah.

God. Um...

Goddamn it! Yuck.

Good night, Roscoe. You got it, Mr. Kaan.

got that covered, right? He better.

Great. Well, I can tell you

Ha, yeah, Phoebe. Two more left.

Ha! No, no, no, no!

Hey, guys. How you doing? Hi.

Huh? Trade in my boring old scissors

Huh? What is wrong with you?

I e mailed it to you yesterday. Well, I haven't gotten it.

I know. And if it gets to the point

I love the way you did that. So smooth. Oh.

If we attack strong... Whoa, slow down there, cowboy.

If you cherish your life. Yeah.

Josh is gonna teach you how to fly. Wow.

Mm hmm. Has he been able

Mm hmm. One minute, you're being called

My penis. What a shock.

Nobody told the guy. Yeah. Nobody told the guy.

Not your mentee, Doug. Well, doesn't matter.

Of course. I apologize. Why haven't I gotten

Oh, my God. Come on.

Oh, there he is! Hey.

Oh, yeah. Great man.

Oh. Super racist.

Oh... Whoa, whoa, wait a minute!

Proceed with caution, my friend. Okay.

That was the thing... It was close!

they're gonna be all over it. No, no, no, no.

Uh huh, right. And he's offering me this

Very funny. Mm.

Was it good? That was nice.

What was that? What was what?

What? You know, they're not

Whoa... All right, all right.

with the Kohl brothers. What did you have to give up?

Yeah, hilarious. Uh, well, anyway,

Yeah, of course. You want to grab a chai tea?

Yeah? Mm hmm.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yes. You know what I'm talking about?

You used to say that to me. Hey.

You're a fucking pussy. That's the word, yes.

...he's not really my cousin.

...that's who we buy.

'Cause at the end of the day,

'Cause the Internet in this building is fucked.

'Cause we have to be so careful about our e mail and everything,