The Jerk (1979) Edit

A complete fill up for a whole lighter, huh?

A deep tone would bring out his lips.

A drownin'? A fire?

A girl. You can call a girl "she."

A guy and his dog.

A joint.

A live in butler and housekeeper."

A pint of blood?

A postcard, huh?

A Tab, and a couple of Twinkies.

A week and a half.

A whole half bottle of Lilac Vegetal.

Adios, senora. Adios.

Against Mr. Johnson and his irresponsible selling of a product,

Ah, but these people want you to give.

Ah, good. We don't want any vegetables.

Ah, yes, but no more 1966. Let's splurge.

Ah, yes. I have my

Ah!

Ah!

Ah! "X" amount. That's very good, isn't it?

Ah! Good. Getting around the crap. That's good.

All right.

Allevei.

American Time Newsmagazine,

An eye shadow and lip tint for him.

And "Grab," from where you grab it.

And a very good student, too.

And already he wants to be president.

And as for you, kewpie doll...

And deposit the other 200 beauties.

And don't walk away with it.

And funny sayings, too.

And give you a kiss.

And given away 50 cents' worth of crap.

And he'll look like a different man.

And he's got the kisses here.

And he's wearing a T shirt that says "Bullshit" on it?

And his Opti Grab.

And I bought a pair.

And I cooked up those hog maws you like.

And I cooked you up your favorite meal.

And I don't need any of this! I don't need this stuff!

And I don't need you! I don't need anything!

And I don't want to.

And I hope you find whatever it is you're looking for.

And I stayed away from your crotch.

And I'd like to cash it.

And I'm glad because

And I'm not allowed to have cash coming in or going out

And I'm ready for that.

And I've only taken in $15.

And if the Wilson Smith indicator gets above 160,

And it puts the pressure on the bridge where it belongs,

And my Astronaut Application form.

And my wife wanted me to stay home today.

And now I'm on your ass.

And now snails on the food.

And now, Music Throughout the Night.

And on the slitted sheet I sit.

And on this side of the bicentennial glasses.

And put a balloon in your mouth.

And remember, I did this without anger.

And remember, the Lord loves a workin' man.

And someday I'd find out what that special purpose was.

And Son, don't never, ever trust whitey.

And take my keys. And hold my wallet.

And that seemed just like a day.

And that started seeming like four days.

And that's all I need, too.

And the fourth day seemed like eight days.

And the lamp. And that's all I need.

And the love of a beautiful woman.

And the other nine million

And the remote control and the matches, for sure!

And the remote control and the paddle ball.

And the second day seemed like five days.

And the sixth day seemed like

And these matches.

And they'll put it in the paper.

And this is the first time I'm leaving you alone on a Sunday.

And this is the result.

And this magazine and the chair.

And this Nature Beige will feature his eyes just wonderfully.

And this Opti Grab device has caused

And this paddle game.

And this remote control.

And this, Shinola.

And this.

And when I do,

And when we peel it off, he will look 20 years younger.

And who's the happiest gal?

And why are you wearing that old dress?

And yet still have that flow.

And you know, you flash this kind of wad in front of some people,

And your apartments are up in March,

And your wallet. Oh, and this fell out.

And, uh, fill out this, uh, deposit slip right there.

And...

Another check!

Another gold chain.

Anything below the stereo,

Anything between the ashtrays and the thimble.

Anything else?

Anyway, I've decided that tomorrow,

Are they crazy?

Are you a model?

Are you over your grief enough yet to dim the lights?

Are you trying to ask me for a date?

As a weight guesser.

As are most of the small breed

As for you, farm boy,

At the Divine Salvation in St. Louis, Missouri.

Attack! Attack! Attack!

Aw, you didn't spoil the party.

Bastard. Random son of a bitch.

Because I just heard a song on the radio

Because this is a very interesting line.

Before they tore it down.

Believe me, I'm not mad at you.

Billy, come on off that train!

Billy, I can't take you anywhere anymore!

Billy, you scared me half to death.

Billy.

Billy.

Blocking of the view of a goddamn average victim bastard.

Born in Mississippi?

Boss? Can I... can I talk to him?

Boy, I wish I could get that excited about nothin'.

Boy, you are one hard guy to find!

Bring us some fresh wine.

But do you think

But I can... I can show it to you tomorrow if you wanna see it.

But I never thought it would happen to me.

But I've been afraid you'd say no.

But let's just say it's a lot."

But the fifth day, you went to see your mother.

But the smell does.

But then you came back and later

But they're grabbing tires and everything.

But things change, and with all the additions to the family,

But this seems like the right time and place.

But to me

But we built us a bigger one.

But we raised you like you were one of us.

But you're not going to fool the guesser.

But, Navin.

But, sir, I don't work here.

But, uh, it'll be pulling a small church.

By giving me three minutes of your time

By keeping the rents high, we're going to appeal to a select class of people.

Bye, Grandma.

Bye, sweetie.

Bye.

Call him "Shithead."

Can I ask you a personal question?

Can I get one?

Check away, Navin R. Johnson.

Check your oil?

Come back and visit me again.

Come back. I'm not finished.

Come here, darlin'.

Come in and use the urinal. Navin. Navi.

Come on, boy, come on.

Come on, let's seal it with a kiss!

Come on!

Come on.

Come on. Let's flop this over and look at it another way.

Come over here and look at this.

Come right up against your lips,

Come with me.

Court is adjourned!

Cover me. You're covered.

Create the illusion of two rooms

Cut!

Daddy!

Daddy.

Damn these glasses, son.

Damn these glasses!

Damn these glasses.

Damn.

Dead center! Say your prayers, half breed!

Depreciate? Very good. Hmm. I like that.

Did you forget about my ass?

Die, gas pumper.

Die, Milk Face!

Die, Navin R. Johnson!

Die, you bastard.

Dirt doesn't bother me.

Do you believe this?

Do you ever think we'll get to know each other

Do you have a balloon?

Do you have a girlfriend?

Do you have any boyfriends?

Do you know what I'd like to do?

Do you know what I'm talkin' about?

Do you live here? Oh, it's nice.

Do you think it's possible that some day

Doesn't that feel good?

Doing her special ride through the Flaming Wall of Death.

Don't be so hard on yourself.

Don't forget to check those tires.

Don't forget, baby.

Don't look down! Look up!

Don't stand up because the clearance is only four foot...

Don't touch that radio! Don't touch it!

Don't touch the Johnson bar.

Don't trust whitey.

Don't trust whitey.

Don't worry 'bout me.

Don't worry, I can keep them here.

Don't worry. I rigged it.

Don't you wear him out.

Enclosed is $4.75 for my loving family.

Enclosed is this week's check. Love, Navin."

End of the line. This is Engineer Fred.

Everybody, Navin's on TV. Marie, it's Navin!

Everyone, back this way.

Everything okay?

Everything's in order.

Except my dog.

Except she's white and blond.

Except this.

Father, could there be a God that would let this happen?

Father, you seem like a religious man.

Fifty fifty. Just like we said.

Fill her up?

Fire.

First I get my name in the phone book,

First, they didn't have the bamboo umbrellas for the wine

Float right down the end of this cornet.

Folks? False alarm. There's no fire.

For $1,

For 250 big ones.

For four weeks and three days,

For me to say.

For saving your child.

Four, five, six!

From the way they live.

From yelling "cut" at the proper time.

Frosty, I am just no good at this.

Frosty, my boss, told me

Gee, Dad,

Gee, Dad,

Gee, Elvira.

Gee, Mom, thanks.

Gee, Mr. Hartounian!

Gee, Mr. Hartounian.

Get in the tub with me!

Get off, Shithead!

Get on.

Get ready, Irving.

Get to work in there.

Get your weight guessed right here.

Give me a bite of that corn dog.

Go like this.

God bless her.

Good idea.

Good Lord.

Good luck.

Good luck.

Good.

Good.

Good. Shithead.

Gosh, this is excitin'. You saved my life.

Gosh, we've got to warn everybody.

Gosh!

Gosh!

Got you, you average, typical,

Grandma!

Guess your weight.

Had a bad marriage and I just gave up smoking.

Had a T shirt that said "Life sucks" on it.

Hah! I'll go get it for you.

Hang on a second.

Hang on just a second.

Happy Birthday!

Has filed a class action suit against Mr. Johnson

Have a seat, Mr., uh,

Have you seen a 5 year old boy, blond hair,

He didn't even test on prisoners.

He doesn't realize he's dealing with sophisticated people here.

He doesn't want to put holes in the cans.

He hates these cans.

He leveraged his ass deep into soy beans and cocoa futures.

He promised me a postcard and he sent me a postcard.

He put... put daisy stems on my roses.

He said "Don't be a putz. See the world.

He starts workin' for me 10 minutes

He thought he had himself a rube.

He wanted to go on the trains.

He wants to put holes in you.

He's a real little dickens.

He's some dog. He's a lifesaver.

He's teaching me how to be impatient."

He's unbelievable.

Here we are.

Here, boy.

Here, darlin'.

Here.

Here's $30. Keep the change.

Here's corn bread and collard greens.

Hey, come back here!

Hey, guess what?

Hey, Harry. Look at this.

Hey, he ain't no carnival personnel.

Hey, look, these hoodlums are dangerous.

Hey, mister, don't call that dog "Lifesaver."

Hey, Navin, how you doin'?

Hey, pop top.

Hey, silverbird, I'm talkin' to you.

Hey, that would be interesting for me.

Hey, this is like a... a ride.

Hey, Trin, have you got a credit card in there?

Hey, wait a minute!

Hey, wait a second. Where are you going?

Hey, wait... wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Hey, you're really trying to be accurate.

Hey! Any of you bums ever heard of Navin R. Johnson?

Hi, honey.

Hi.

Hi.

Him?

His wife's card, huh?

Hobart?

Honey, can't you see I'm drinking?

Honey, guess what?

Honey, let's see how good this guy is.

Honey, sing!

Honey, who's the happiest guy in the world?

Honey, will you marry me?

Honey, you did good.

Honey, you worry too much.

Honey! Why the gloom?

Honey?

Hop in.

How about $75?

How about 3:30 tomorrow at the roundup?

How about you, sir? Step right up.

How can I help you?

How could you know that was Iron Balls McGinty?

How did you find me?

How do you know that?

How do you like that?

How much is it for?

However, when we returned to our studio,

Huh?

Huh?

Huh? Credit card. Hola.

Hurry up, son, time's a wastin'.

I am gonna drive this bike up her butt!

I am not a bum.

I ate there all week. Three times a day."

I award, to Mr. Reiner

I called them the night you left.

I can almost do it.

I can fix those glasses.

I can fix those shocks.

I can only send you 49 cents this week..."

I can tell you're a genuinely dirty person.

I can use money.

I could never accept anything from you

I couldn't afford this, anyway.

I couldn't read the letter. It was too blurry.

I didn't get the job.

I didn't pass that, though. I failed everything but the "Date of Birth."

I didn't want to get spit on me.

I don't care about losing all the money.

I don't need my dog.

I don't need one other thing!

I don't need this or this. Just this ashtray!

I don't wanna puke!

I don't want anything to happen.

I don't want to get them suspicious.

I don't want wealth!

I drew you this picture.

I figure that that'd be the one.

I got 'em for you.

I got a beautiful little place for you to stay.

I got a trunk load of shit to sell.

I got all this stuff from the old Cup O' Pizza place

I got it. Just send a police car over.

I got some... I got some change upstairs.

I got the guys who stole it.

I got you a present.

I had the craziest fantasy that I could

I have it written down

I have some more to tell you.

I have to sign before you shoot me?

I hope I can repay you someday.

I hope you have a strong stomach, senor.

I I'm not done yet!

I just want you like you used to be.

I knew we'd find you.

I know I am.

I know this is our first date

I know we've only known each other

I know where she is!

I love it! This is fabulous!

I made it myself.

I mean, uh...

I missed.

I need a pen.

I never liked you, anyway.

I once had wealth, power,

I picked out this thermos for you.

I really do want to kiss you.

I remembered the days when I sang and danced

I saw this trick in a movie.

I saw you last night. You were great.

I settled in Los Angeles and took the money I saved

I take after my mother's side of the family.

I think I see a car comin'.

I think we ought to get out of here before she sees us.

I think you'll enjoy this.

I thought maybe you might wanna go out with me.

I took his advice and got a job with SJM Fiesta Shows

I was a little mixed up at that time.

I was back there thinking,

I was born a poor black child.

I was just telling these guys.

I was so glad to be going home.

I was wondering if you weren't doing anything tomorrow

I was... I was just standing here right now and

I will need two pieces of identification.

I will, Ma. I know it's out there.

I won't disturb them, they won't disturb me.

I won't have to change this at all.

I won't.

I wonder if he's doin' all right.

I wrote a song for you this morning.

I... I just need enough for my lighter.

I'd give anything to find out.

I'd just be happy to be in there somewhere.

I'd kiss you, but I'm so dirty.

I'd nearly forgotten.

I'll be right back.

I'll bring some sheets from the house.

I'll fall in love with you.

I'll guess your weight, your height, or your sex.

I'll put a bed down here, get a bigger bulb.

I'll split it with you 50/50.

I'll tell you tomorrow.

I'll tell you what,

I'm a cosmetologist.

I'm a jerk.

I'm a private detective.

I'm afraid if I kiss you,

I'm back. Only, it's worst than I thought.

I'm buying gas.

I'm glad you told me.

I'm going to the john.

I'm gonna ask you to marry me.

I'm gonna buy you a diamond so big

I'm gonna get in touch with that Reiner guy.

I'm hitchhikin'.

I'm in print.

I'm just babysitting for a friend.

I'm Navin Johnson, inventor!

I'm Navin Johnson. What's your name, sir?

I'm not gonna shoot you.

I'm not hungry right now.

I'm not?

I'm okay now.

I'm okay. I was protected by the bill of my Engineer Fred cap.

I'm out to win the hand of Marie.

I'm somebody now!

I've been trying to contact her. I don't know where she is.

I've got a special purpose!

I've got a ways to go!

I've got one!

I've heard about dogs like you.

I've heard about this cat juggling.

I've never been relaxed enough

If anything should happen to this station,

If I can develop this gizmo,

If I ever catch you looking at another broad.

If that's okay with you.

If this gash doesn't get her buns out of here,

If you were the color of a baboon's ass. Come here.

If you'll, uh, just endorse this, right there.

If your initial investment is $500,000,

Imagine the thrill

In a no load mutual fund.

In other words, there would be no more, uh...

In this little flowered dress

Inventor of the Opti Grab?

Inventor of the Opti Grab.

Iron Balls McGinty

Irreparable harm to my career.

Irving, are you crazy?

Irving's skin will be tighter, firmer,

Is he ever comin' back?

Is it getting hot in here?

Is it in your mouth?

Is married to a man like me?

Is take this wall and just turn it this way

Is there some way I could repay you?

It causes 'em to spread.

It looks good to me, too.

It must be tough to handle the weightlessness.

It seems like nine weeks and five days.

It seems that an irate group of citizens

It speaks to me! Taj, Dad.

It takes some people a lifetime to acquire?

It was never easy for me.

It works.

It would have been so embarrassing to go home without Billy.

It'll be incredible.

It'll give us something interesting to talk about.

It's a masterpiece of understatement.

It's a profit deal.

It's an old story.

It's excitin'.

It's great! It's unbelievable!

It's him.

It's just exciting to have this kind of life on the road.

It's just that the banks are closed,

It's kind of a traditional date deal.

It's like I don't belong here.

It's like I don't fit in.

It's like we're married. Look at my ass.

It's like when you call a boat "she,"

It's losing all the stuff.

It's making us too goddamn sad.

It's not the end of the rainbow.

It's on that wall.

It's out there all right, and if you catch it,

It's perfect.

Jeez! This shit really worked.

Johnson, Navin R.

Joint?

Just as I thought. Look at that.

Just don't look down.

Just don't say anything.

Just keep your eyes up and keep them that way, okay? Waiter!

Just like the tie rods on a '72 Buick.

Just like you like it.

Just looking around here,

Just put it in, turn it one quarter.

Just turn that little...

Kind of.

Knife throwing is great!

Ladies and gentlemen, I draw your attention now

Led by the celebrity Mr. Carl Reiner,

Let me show you a clip from my latest film,

Let's check the oil together.

Let's find another party.

Let's go unmask Irving.

Let's toast!

Let's try everything.

Like it?

Like the one you saw in the magazine.

Listen, you better run for cover

Listen, you wanna be president of the Texaco Oil?

Live from the Four Square Gospel Church

Look at the bright side, we also lost a church.

Look at us. We've hit bottom.

Look away! Just look away! And keep your eyes that way!

Look like daisy stems.

Look what I would have missed.

Lord loves a workin' man.

Marie, are you awake?

Marie, are you awake?

Marie, now just stay calm. Stay calm.

Marie! Marie, why did you leave me?

Marie! Marie!

Marie! Marie!

Marie! Marie!

Marie! Marie!

Marie! Marie!

Marie.

Master Charge do?

May I?

Maybe you and he can make love and you could think of me.

Me, you've seen already."

Me?

Milk face bastard!

Millions of people look at this book every day.

Mmm hmm.

Mom!

Money, vision.

More cans.

Mother, dear, ain't we forgetting somethin'?

Mr. Johnson, you've become a millionaire overnight.

Mrs. Kimball?

Mrs. Nussbaum's credit card.

Music in a mellow mood.

My friends

My mom told me that was my special purpose

My mother sacrificed everything

My name is Father Carlos Las Vegas De Cordoba.

My story?

My thermos.

Nah!

Navin is a complex personality,

Navin R. Johnson selling it, sir.

Navin, darlin'?

Navin, do you know why a woman of such pulchritude

Navin, I brought you a Twinkie.

Navin, I... I wrapped your sandwich in cellophane,

Navin, I'd love you

Navin, my boy, we're in business.

Navin, this is my wife, Lenore.

Navin, you have taken in $15

Navin, you know the other day when I showed you the tattoo?

Navin, you're not our natural born child.

Navin!

Navin! Remember me?

Navin.

Navin.

Navin.

Navin. Elvira!

No kitchen, no windows, no chairs, no tables.

No one has tried to guess my weight.

No thanks, Taj.

No wait, it's a truck. It's a truck.

No, but don't feel bad.

No, do you want a lift to St. Louis?

No, I can't make out the license number

No, I mean,

No, I'll put the books right over here.

No, I'm not. Today is Navin's birthday.

No, I've already given away eight pencils,

No, no, I'll just elevate this about 6 inches.

No, no, we just want some gas, muchacho.

No, no. The jungle bunnies.

No, sir. Come on, honey.

No! Maybe you've hit bottom, but I haven't hit bottom yet!

No! No, I've been thinking about it.

No! Send them away!

No?

No.

No.

No. Knife throwing.

No. Navin Johnson.

No. No. I always call a gang "she."

No. There was just one kid earlier,

Not even for $1.10 an hour?

Not just my name, a lot of names.

Not me!

Not one... I need this.

Not only that, you can depreciate

Not you, Shithead! Where's Marie?

Nothin'.

Nothing? Are you kidding? Page 73.

Now everyone just follow me this way

Now get out of here!

Now get them out of here before she sees them.

Now Marie is the type of person that if you gotta...

Now take them away and bring me

Now we'll let this dry.

Now what town are you gonna try for first?

Now, as a director, I am constantly using my eyes.

Now, I only have two things.

Now, sit down. Just sit on the floor. Sit around.

Now, what do I win?

Of a great ugliness that is spreading in my country.

Of a great ugliness that is spreading in my country.

Of a sensational development in the Johnson story.

Of course, sir.

Of getting your weight guessed by a professional.

Oh, baby.

Oh, Billy.

Oh, bless his heart.

Oh, dear me.

Oh, God. I'll bet it's disgusting.

Oh, he's not my child.

Oh, here's your gloves and your oil can

Oh, honey, here's that interview you did on TV.

Oh, I sure do miss Navin.

Oh, I'm available.

Oh, I'm Mr. Nussbaum.

Oh, it was unbelievable. These guys jumped me.

Oh, look at this.

Oh, Lord, take care of our little boy.

Oh, Miss?

Oh, my God. I'm endangering your life.

Oh, Navin.

Oh, no thanks, I don't smoke.

Oh, no, not locked up.

Oh, really? What?

Oh, sure. I'll just put it on the card.

Oh, this is the best pizza in a cup ever.

Oh, uh,

Oh, wait. Yes.

Oh, you keep it there.

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh! Would it be too much if I asked for a kiss?

Oh.

Oil rag at the ready, sir.

Okay, as long as we've got a voucher.

Okay, but it's Sunday. We got to have a credit card.

Okay, how much do I owe you for the gas?

Okay, okay, let the boy go.

Okay, you move it out.

Okay! Okay! You win. You can go with me.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay. What is it?

On into the seventh day, it seemed like a total of five days.

On the sixth day, in the evening, when we saw each other,

Once for no, twice for yes.

One you've probably heard before.

One,

Only $1.

Only instead of $5, it's $10,000,000.

Open all the windows.

Opti Grab?

Opti Grab.

Opti Grabbing it.

Or a girl?

Or you're gonna spring a leak. Uh?

Or... or a hurricane "she."

Oui, monsieur.

Oui, monsieur.

Our news department informed us

P.S. Is Grandma still fartin'?

Pay to the order of

Pay to the order of

Pen. Okay.

People come from all over to get this. Uh huh.

Pierre. Come here.

Pleased to meet you.

Plus it'll create a flow into the main living area.

Plus, I put a little nose break on them here

Presenting the amazing Patty Bernstein

Put it on the card. Radials.

Put the light on. You're gonna like it here.

Putting on Mask O Derm just took a few short minutes

Read about me in the paper?

Really?

Really? A cosmetologist?

Remember how you told me to take unnecessary lessons?

Remember the gas station?

Repay me?

Right along this tube,

Right here. Thank you.

Right in here, I have your first check

Right in here, in this area,

Right on!