Sixteen Candles (1984) Edit

A black one. A black guy?

A black trans am. A pink guy.

A, don't hit me.

Again!

Ahh! You do shots?

All it shows is that I don't have any sort of a tan left.

All right, is everybody in? Oh, dear. Are you all right, Ginny?

All right, just a minute.

All right, whose is this?

All right.

All right.

All right. I'll see you at school.

Am I nuts? Of course I enjoyed it.

Am I turning you on?

And a big trans am in the driveway with a ribbon around it.

And also blocking the Lane that's coming off of the, uh,

And as for our granddaughter, I'm sure she has more than enough sense...

And be polite to his parents. Okay. Great.

And find out she really does think I'm a slime.

And go where? Jake's parent's aren't home. We can do his house.

And he is totally enamoured of me.

And he's got this incredible girlfriend.

And I can't believe I gave my panties to a geek.

And I just came down to tell you that we did remember.

And I think I know what it is.

And I was supposed to do it and pass it to you in independent study.

And if so, sir, may I converse with her briefly?

And if this guy can't see in you all the beautiful and wonderful things that I see,

And it was so much fun... ♪ it's a good thing you don't have bus fare ♪

And it, like, it stuck with me.

And on the northbound I 290 extension at thorndale Avenue,

And pushing lawn mowing machine...

And she's going with Jake.

And that car was blocking the right hand Lane...

And that I'm getting all the attention, hmm?

And then hanging up?

And trucking.

And we're the richest, most popular adults in town.

And winding up on cable somewhere.

And writing letters to parents...

And yesterday morning, you were trying to tell me.

And you do it on a cloud without getting pregnant or herpes.

And, um, I'd go for it.

Any halfway decent girl can rob me blind!

Apparently so.

Appetizing food fit neatly into interesting round pie.

Are those humongous jocks back?

Are we still having dinner with the rice chex?

Are you going to be all right, sweetie?

Are you inhibited about dancing in public?

Are you okay? I got to rest.

Are you the little bugger that's been calling up...

At this point, anything is possible.

Automobile?

Aw, eat me.

Aw, shit. I pay seven grand for a wedding, I'll never see it!

Banzai!

Because I'm too torqued up to say no.

Because some bitch borrows my lunch money?

Better than female extraterrestrial?

Bitch is a female dog.

Bon voyage!

Brother's deaf, and everybody in the world worships her.

Bryce?

But big deal. They'll remember. Oh, easy for you to say.

But I didn't mean for you to do it again!

But I feel compelled to mention, Jake,

But I had this very bizarre dream, and you were in it.

But I love you, and I'll do anything to make you love me.

But I'm covered, okay? I... I won't get hurt.

But if I were Ginny,

But not for six months in a row.

But so am I.

But that's just so my friends won't think, you know, I'm a jerk.

But there's a very weird Chinese guy up in Mike's room.

But you got to make sure she gets home. You

By night's end, I predict me and her will interface.

Call me, okay? You call me first. Tell me what happened at home.

Can I call you later? Sure.

Can't I trust you to do anything?

Can't leave her in some parking lot somewhere.

Can't see with this thing on.

Change your frequency. Don't be such a wimp!

Cheers!

Chill.

Chronologically, you're 16 today.

Chugalug, pooh bear.

Classic.

Come on now, honey. You're going to miss the bus.

Come on, chop chop. We got relatives invading this afternoon.

Come on, damn it. Answer.

Come on, everybody.

Come on, honey.

Come on, honey.

Come on, Jake. You talk like you're hard up.

Come on, Sam. We're not communicating.

Come on, what's the problem here? I'm a boy, you're a girl.

Come on, wolf it.

Come on!

Come on. Before we get in a big, wicked fight, let's get out of here, huh?

Come on. Here we go.

Come on. I don't want to see it!

Come on. I need help.

Come on. Trace. You guys.

Come on. You know you're the one I want to bug, huh?

Could you move over? Oh!

Couldn't find anyone else to bug, huh?

Dad and I have to go to the club for dinner with the rice chex.

Dad, Mike hit me!

Dad.

Daddy, I'm the one getting married.

Daddy? Hi, kiddo.

Damn, mom! I've got my headgear on. Will you wake up?

Darling, is something bothering you?

Davis, junior.

Deep down, he's really sorry.

Definitely.

Depends on how much you paid me.

Did anyone ever forget your birthday? Come on, Sam.

Did I do that to your hair?

Did she come here with you?

Did we, uh... yeah.

Did you... no! No, Jake.

Did, um...

Do I feel funky! Uh huh.

Do not embarrass me, okay? For sure, we won't.

Do not fuss at your sister. It's her wedding day. Big deal.

Do you expect me to do all the packing?

Do you got a cigarette?

Do you guys want to blow off this dance?

Do you have any film in your camera? What?

Do you have to go to the reception now?

Do you know anything about floppy disks?

Do you know if... Um, did I enjoy it?

Do you know Samantha Baker?

Do you promise you won't get mad? No, I love you.

Do you think grandpa Fred's going to embarrass me?

Do you want to do this or not?

Does that really matter, guy? Yeah, it matters.

Don't be a smart ass. Okay, I'll be a dumb ass.

Don't be such a poop.

Don't be such faggots! Man, shut up.

Don't do that, okay?

Don't feel this little talk has helped you.

Don't forget the grandparents are coming this afternoon.

Don't go away, Caroline, baby.

Don't go in the closet.

Don't gross me out.

Don't spaz out. Okay, wease? The situation'll come on line.

Dong has only been in our country a short time, Fred.

Dong, grandpa is talking to you.

Dong!

Dong! Where is my automobile?

Dong.

Dong.

Donger's here for five hours, and he's got somebody.

Duk.

Eastbound thorndale Avenue entrance ramp...

Easy. Easy.

Even if she doesn't appreciate us.

Every time I do something, bitch, bitch, bitch.

Everybody,

Everybody's waiting for me. I want to make sure I see my sister leave.

Everything's fine. Don't have a cow.

Everything's getting shittier. My family

Excuse me! Stop that.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Extraterrestrial? It's better! All right? Just get it and come outside.

Farmer Ted. You're in the parking lot across the street from my church.

Female extraterrestrial?

Figure to, like, 17 digits.

Fine.

Five grand! I don't have five grand.

Flat?

Floppy disks are pretty expensive.

For heaven's sake! Get in there and dance!

Forget it, man. Just get Samantha, all right?

Forget what? Who's Jake?

Forgetting my birthday just makes it more vivid.

Fred, she's gotten her boobies.

Fresh breath's a priority in my life.

From a foul mouthed hooligan like you.

From beecham road down to river road.

Games, Jake. Silly, torturous games.

Geek, can I be honest with you?

Geez! I hate that rock 'n' roll rubbish!

Get her in the back seat, Rudy!

Get in the car, please. We're late already.

Get in.

Ginny dumped Rudy. He's her new fiancée.

Ginny, Mike, Sara, Sam! Come on. Everybody up!

Ginny!

Girls'll do that, Jake.

Give me a buck.

Go away! I call f.I.B.! I call police!

Go away! Open the door.

God, I hope whoever got the note doesn't know it was me who wrote it.

God, I love it when your parents are out of town,

Good bye! So long, kids!

Good bye. Bye.

Good night, sweetheart. Good night.

Good thinking. Oops. Don't want to lose the nails.

Good.

Good. Getting my money's worth.

Grab a doughnut.

Grandparents forgetting a birthday?

Grandparents forgetting a birthday?

Ha ha!

Happy Birthday.

Has just gone totally outer limits.

Have a good day.

He already asked me if Rudy was the oily variety bohunk.

He asked me about you. Did not!

He came down with grandma and grandpa Baker.

He did too. He did! He asked me what you were like.

He does the dishes and helps with the laundry. You betcha.

He is a very sweet boy.

He smiles at me, and I don't say anything.

He was wearing a red argyle sweater and tan trousers.

He wasn't too terrible.

He's a boy, daddy. It's nothing.

He's a senior, and he's taken. I mean, really taken.

He's an exchange student that's living with them.

He's drunk as a skunk! Shut up, Fred. Shut up.

He's from out of town, okay? He speaks English, right?

He's ideal, for sure, but forget it.

He's really bitching.

Helen, we've got an owl out here in the hall.

Helen, will you get in the car? I don't know what they're fussing about.

Hell, he's three sheets to the wind!

Hello? Geez, this place is so confusing.

Hello? Hello?

Here comes the bride.

Here, Ginny. Drink this.

Here, give me that phone.

Here, I I'll help you. Roll him over.

Here.

Hernia!

Hey, come on in and party hearty, dude persons.

Hey, Howard, there's your chinaman.

Hey, time out, junior.

Hey, uh, listen, uh,

Hey, wait a minute. I can still look.

Hey. Oh, I'm really sorry, man.

Hi, grandpa. Oh, I've got one for you.

Hi, Jake. I'm Samantha. How's it going?

Hi.

Hi. Hi.

Hi. No, but it was really embarrassing.

His name is long duk dong.

Hmm? No, he's not retarded.

Hmm.

Hmm. So you going to the new faces dance tonight, or...

Ho.

Ho.

Holy shit.

Honey. Good bye!

Hopeless.

How are you guys?

How did you get them?

How do you tell if it's a female? 'Cause it's got tits.

How?

How's it going?

How's this look? Very nice.

How's what going?

Howdy, dude. This is farmer Fred.

Huh. On second thought.

I always listen to you talk about your boyfriends.

I am not even. What's that supposed to mean?

I bet all the boys chase you plenty in the school, huh?

I bet them that I'd do it with you.

I better get downstairs.

I can get a piece of ass anytime I want.

I can remember lots of things.

I can tell you right now. Nothing.

I can't believe I'm such a jerk.

I can't believe it. Ginny's not in the shower.

I can't believe my grandmother actually felt me up.

I can't believe this.

I can't believe you're so popular, acting like this.

I can't. They won't like me! I'm not going to tell you again!

I care about it, really. I mean...

I could violate her ten different ways if I wanted to.

I dabble a little bit in personal loans and politics.

I didn't get shit. Not even a "Happy Birthday."

I do independent study with her. I catch her looking at me a lot.

I don't care what she's got! Look at her! Will you be quiet?

I don't have one tenth of the bod to fill the stupid bust up.

I don't know how to thank you enough.

I don't know why not. He does to everyone else.

I don't know, I just get the feeling that something's bothering you.

I don't know, Jake.

I don't know. You know, my mom, I can't handle this.

I don't need the cloud. Just a pink trans am and the guy, right?

I don't suppose it makes any difference to you,

I don't think you're a dork. I don't think mom thinks you're a dork.

I don't want to hurt your feelings,

I don't.

I fantasize that I'm your wife,

I feel like a real jerk, honey.

I got her. You got her?

I got the rep in sixth grade.

I got to sleep under some chinaman named after a duck's dork.

I guess those guys who thought we had to get

I had to name who I'd do it with if I ever did it.

I happen to have a serious problem.

I have to go to this wedding and look like miss pretty princess...

I heard the grill alone cost five grand on this.

I hope they have insurance. The party's over.

I hope you get a car for your birthday, and a license.

I I had no idea you couldn't dance.

I just can't touch. Right?

I just don't know right now.

I just hope you burn the sheets and mattresses after he leaves.

I just talked to Jake in the gym.

I just talked to Jake in the gym.

I just thought that turning 16 would be so major...

I knew you'd come around.

I know exactly what it'll do to a girl my age.

I know I came on kind of like a poozer on the bus tonight and everything.

I know you.

I know you'll have a great marriage.

I know, honey. I know.

I know. It was supposed to be my ideal.

I like him a real lot, and he doesn't like me. Okay?

I loathe the bus.

I love you.

I love your shirt.

I love, uh, visiting with grandma and grandpa...

I made a bet with my friends, the... The dipshits.

I mean about her birthday.

I mean, I'm not the kind of guy...

I mean, I've had men who've loved me before,

I mean, it's just... Go to hell.

I mean, it's really been a shitty birthday for me.

I mean, no.

I mean, not many girls in contemporary American society today...

I mean, you don't have to dance.

I meant Jake.

I meant that it's okay that you did it once,

I meant...

I need to concentrate.

I never been so happy in my whole life. You maniac!

I really love Rudy.

I should be happy, right? Right? Yeah.

I swear to God, Caroline mulford had to flunk about nine grades.

I swear to God, this has got to be a joke.

I think a ton of guys feel the same way as you do. Really?

I think I know what it is.

I think I'm in love.

I think it's time to blow this thing off and go to your house. Yeah?

I think we could all help him assimilate. Oh.

I think you're just being a little selfish and immature.

I thought she hated my guts.

I thought you my new... New style American girlfriend.

I told her you asked about her. Right? The girl freaked.

I told them not to tell anybody.

I told Tracy and Robin and those guys to come to your parents' house, okay?

I told you dudes I was hot. Hot? You're a legend!

I want a serious girlfriend.

I want to thank you for, uh, loaning me the donger.

I was afraid you'd had an accident.

I was going to tell you something, but maybe I shouldn't. It's pretty bad.

I was just upstairs, and I couldn't sleep.

I wish. Her monthly bill came early.

I wouldn't go in there. Grandpa Fred was in there for a half an hour.

I wouldn't stoop to remind them.

I'd better go get my magnifying glass.

I'd freak if my family forgot my birthday. It's a brand new year.

I'd have this guy crawling on his knees.

I'd kick your ass.

I'd like to very much, and I probably will later, but give me a break.

I'd shit twice and die.

I'll either do it myself, or get someone bigger than me,

I'll just wait until I hear from you, then. Voila. Breakfast is ready.

I'll leave it up to you.

I'll make a deal with you.

I'll, uh, tell you where you are, if you'll tell me who you are.

I'll, uh... I'll just open the doughnuts.

I'm 16. Everything should be platinum.

I'm a gambling man by nature.

I'm at a loss.

I'm being serious, okay?

I'm blowing your mind, aren't I?

I'm dead.

I'm fine, grandpa.

I'm getting strange signals. Well, they're not coming from me.

I'm going to go set myself up in Mike's room.

I'm just not interested anymore.

I'm just this ridiculous dork that's following him around like a puppy.

I'm not a stud.

I'm not sure that he knows I exist.

I'm pretty sure.

I'm really sorry about getting you mixed up with that guy.

I'm really sorry about last night.

I'm really sorry about what happened in the gym.

I'm sorry for being kind of a jerk lately.

I'm sorry, you'll have to buy lunch today. I didn't have time to fix your carrots.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. But Jake Ryan?

I'm sort of saving myself.

I'm still on hold.

I'm supposed to.

I'm sure they didn't forget your birthday.

I'm totally screwed. Did you put your name on it?

I've never been out with a boy before.

If all you want is a piece of ass, I mean,

If I asked if I could have sex with you?

If it doesn't happen for us.

If she does, you mustn't bug her... I'm not going to bug her...

If they were easy, they'd call them something else.

In this dipshit's bridesmaid's dress.

Is he? Don't be cute.

Is something else wrong?

Is that a threat? It's a fact, Jake.

Is that okay? Yeah. It's okay.

Is that psycho?

Is that you? Yeah. That me.

Is there anything wrong with me trying to put

Is there something you want to say to your sister?

Is this, uh, your car, Jake? No, this is my dad's car.

It has my initials on it. And I believe... that's it.

It has to do with a certain guy?

It hasn't got triple a on it.

It is physically impossible for me to get happy.

It looks good.

It makes it okay to be super careless. Wait, wait!

It was yesterday. We all forgot.

It wasn't my idea to give her her own phone line.

It would devastate my reputation as a dude.

It'd be a major downer to try and get together...

It's a very important dance.

It's better than... shh!

It's embarrassing for me. I don't know. I just...

It's encouraging.

It's extremely embarrassing, okay?

It's going to be a piece of cake, bren.

It's heinous, I'm telling you.

It's important to you.

It's just...

It's kind of cool, the way she's always looking at me.

It's my shaving cream.

It's not going to be cold. She'll refuse to wear a coat over her wedding dress.

It's not ugly. It's just... Void.

It's okay, mom.

It's okay. I'll recover.

It's pure power politics, I'm telling you.

It's really stupid. He doesn't even know I exist.

It's small. It's brown. It's made of leather.

It's totally polluted. Get dressed.

It's unbelievable.

It's your nose.

Ja... Jake's my boy!

Jake is a senior, and he's beautiful and perfect.

Jake Ryan.

Jake Ryan. Jake Ryan? He doesn't even know you exist.

Jake, I don't have a car. You can take mine.

Jake, I don't have a license. I trust you.

Jake, I'd love to. I can't. Want a pretzel?

Jake, is your dad a big man, or... About 6'4".

Jake, she's a child.

Jake, this is... everybody.

Jake, this may sound incredibly dumb,

Jake, would I dick you?

Jake!

Jake?

Jake?

Jake.

Jakey, have you stopped loving me?

Jennifer woods gave me a sex test during child development.

Just act like a man! I want to go home! I want to be with you guys!

Just as long as my beautiful boy remembers...

Just get that thing there.

Just look. How are you, my little lamb chop? Hello!

Just remember one thing.

Just trying to get a little bit of water.

Kidding. Sorry.

Kind of like the king of the dipshits.

Knock, knock. Who's there?

Lake. Big lake.

Last night at the dance,

Laundry, cigarette machines...

Leading to the northbound, uh, I 290 extension.

Leave me alone.

Let me keep these. I'll let you take Caroline home.

Let me put it to you this way.

Let's go make ourselves available.

Life is not whatnot, and it's none of your business.

Listen, I know you're there. I can hear you breathing.

Long duk dong is about your age, Sam.

Long.

Look, I know you have to go. Just answer one question.

Look, I'd appreciate you not laughing here, okay?

Look, we're not going any further until you stop these childish antics.

Look. Oh, look.

Looks like rain. Better put the top up!

Lots of things.

Loved the teapot.

Make a wish.

Make sure he knows you wear the pants in the family.

Marlene! Ohh!

Married feel pretty stupid, huh, padre?

Married! Geez.

Married?

Married? Married.

Married? Yeah. Married.

May I be excused?

Maybe I'm interested in more than a party.

Maybe she's retarded.

Maybe you could just stand there with me and my dudes and just be you, and...

Me either. You were pretty crazy.

Me? Are you crazy?

Mike, honey. Go get dressed.

Mike, stop it.

Mister, you had better shape up, or you will miss your sister's wedding.

Mm hmm. Mmm.

Mmm? Jake.

Mmm.

Mmm. And red shoes.

Move it!

Mr. Ryan, are you in here? He's not... Mr. Ryan's not in right now.

My Christmas present to you!

My clean, close shave? No.

My family's probably pissed off I haven't let them wish me Happy Birthday yet.

My God! Wow.

My goodness, are you a sight for sore eyes.

My little brother paid a buck to see your underwear.

My man.

My pleasure.

My whole family just sort of blew it off.

No of fence, but I don't need a serenade right how.

No problem, butt lick.

No problem.

No way, Jose! Open the door.

No way.

No way. I can just see the thing getting duped a thousand times...

No, but they could have at least said "happy"

No, he's not.

No, he's not.

No, I can't call you later?

No, I didn't expect to wake up transformed.

No, I mean... I'm not going to the reception.

No, I'm fine. Really.

No, it's okay. I'm not really all that upset anymore.

No, no. But if it's okay with my dad, she's going home with me.

No, Sam.

No, we're not talking gross here.

No, why?

No.

No. I run the 40 in five flat.

No. It's... it's just embarrassing.

No. Oh, I hope it isn't cold tomorrow.

Nobody's caught me yet.

Nope. I look exactly the same as I have since summer.

Not if you're going to insult me.

Not until tomorrow. I've got a mouthful of toothpaste.

Now I have a place to put my hand. Mmm.

Now we're both on the pill!

Now, don't give me that pouty look of yours.

Now, good night and good bye!

Now, I love her as much as I love you. But she's a different person.

Now, what can I do to help? Well, you could finish the French toast.

Now, you listen to me, mister.

Oh, and they are so perky!

Oh, can you remember to turn off the stove in 20 minutes?

Oh, Fred, Fred, leave her alone.

Oh, God.

Oh, good!

Oh, hi. Uh, my sister forgot her veil.

Oh, honey, I just feel miserable.

Oh, I need a drink.

Oh, I think I have a fever.

Oh, I'm going to kill myself.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Oh, man, I'm really... I'm really sorry, man.

Oh, my corns are killing me. My arthritis in my fingers bothers me quite a bit...

Oh, my God! Her veil!

Oh, my God! What should I do? Should I go up to him?

Oh, my. Is everything all right?

Oh, my... oh! If you're lying, I'll beat the crap out of you. I'm not lying.

Oh, no more yankie my wankie.

Oh, no, no. I wouldn't say so. Do you think so?

Oh, no.

Oh, no. Easy, easy, easy.

Oh, one more thing, sweetheart.

Oh, pretty good. Of course, I get lower back pain.

Oh, Sam, let me look at you.

Oh, Sam.

Oh, sensitive, uh? Rudy!

Oh, sexy girlfriend.

Oh, shit! Come on, you guys. I'm your prom queen.

Oh, sweetheart!

Oh, thank God, he is still warm. Oh, good.

Oh, uh, I don't know. I'll have to look.

Oh, watch your language, Mr. dirty mouth.

Oh, yes, yes, yes, indeedy.

Oh, yes. That's it.

Oh!

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh. Great.

Ohh!

Ohh!

Ohh!

Ohh. Oh.

Okay, close your eyes.

Okay?

Okay? Just forget it, please.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay. Go get it and bring it outside. Okay? Right out front.

Okay. I need help too.

Okay. I'm coming.

On second thought.

On the northwest toll, eastbound traffic is moving nicely this morning...

Only thing she cares about is partying.

Ooh.

Oooh! My God.

Open this door.

Ow. Excuse me.

Pardon me.

Physically,

Physically,

Pick on someone your own size.

Practically impossible to cut up. She's supposedly real sweet.

Pretty intense, huh? Over. To the Max. Over.

Promise?

Put it down just a bit. You guys know what you're doing here?

Put my arms around you ♪

Relax! Hello?

Relax.

Right. So why would I lie?

Rizczechs. 8:00 at the club.

Rizczechs. Oh. Rizczechs.

Sam, honey, do you think you could help the grandmothers with supper?

Sam, I am so sorry about your birthday.

Sam! Samantha.

Sam? Allow me, Brenda. Hey, birth defect!

Sam.

Sam's lucky she has us, Howard. Yeah.

Samantha's, uh... she's really special, you know?

Sammy, tell grandpa not to wait up. Let's go boogie.

Scalpel. Scalpel.

Score... a direct hit.

Secondly, what kind of proof do you want?

See you a little later, darling. We've got a lot to...

See you later. Bye!

See you later. Bye!

See? See?

Sex.

She at the church. She getting married to oily bohunk.

She doesn't know shit about love.

She doesn't look like a freshman. Sophomore, dude. Sophomore.

She gave them to me.

She got her period. Should make for an interesting honeymoon, huh?

She grabbed me, guy. I'm totally innocent. Is she yours?

She had a hissy. She thinks you're the cat's meow. Really?

She had a hissy. She thinks you're the cat's meow. Really?

She looked at me like I was a leper.

She not here. Don't jerk me around, man. Where is she?

She's a little out of it. Just a little bit.

She's beautiful, and she's built and all that.

She's crying for you.

She's not ugly.

She's not ugly.

She's obviously too young to party serious.

She's only eating carrots to increase the size of her breasts.

She's perfect.

She's totally gone. Have fun.

She's totally insensitive. Look what she did to my house.

She's totally serious, ass wipe.

Shit, I got Caroline in my bedroom right now, passed out cold.

Shit, Ted, that's my mom. I got to get home.

Shit! Shoot!

Shoot.

Should I say, "hi, Jake, I'm Samantha"? Maybe I should let him come to me.

Shut up!

Shut your face. Make me.

Since I was about 12, I've been looking forward to my sweet 16.

Sitting in the dark with your dad, telling him about your love life.

Smells pretty good. She drives me crazy.

Smile, pumpkin. What? Oh! Pictures!

So are you, uh... you're sleeping up here?

So basically, Jimmy, my business is video game arcades,

So grandpa's hyena don't get disturbed.

So here we are up here.

So how long have you been in love, hmm?

So I smell.

So I'll see you guys later.

So quit bugging me, or I'll sic them all over your weenie ass.

So vogue. Uh, y yeah.

So what? Should I just waste myself and spare the agony?

So what's the deal?

So what's your name?

So would you be a sport and lie to me?

So? She's so blitzed, she won't know the difference.

So? So! So.

Sofa city, sweetheart.

Somebody I can love, that's going to love me back.

Something other than your birthday.

Sometimes I worry about her.

Sophomore, right?

Sounds major.

Stay here, okay? Oh, my God.

Such assholes. I can't believe it.

Sure.

Sure.

Sweetheart?

Take it off.

Take off. You wouldn't be able to prove it anyway.

Take those ridiculous things off, okay?

Take those ridiculous things off.

Talk? Dude, I have a relationship with her. Get out.

Ted, go for it.

Ted, that's a Rolls Royce.

Ted, that's the prom queen. You got two girls in one night.

Ted, we're dying. What happened?

Ted, what the hell are you doing?

Ted. Oh, I'm sorry. This is farmer Ted.

Thank you. No. Really. Serious.

Thank you. That's a very nice thing to say.

Thanks for coming over.

Thanks for coming to get me.

Thanks for getting my undies back.

Thanks, dad.

Thanks, Fred. Bye, dong.

Thanks.

That I should possibly stay home tonight?

That I should possibly stay home tonight?

That I'd wake up with an improved mental state that would show on my face.

That marrying this one means he's out of the girl of the month club.

That was great.

That was wonderful!

That, my friends, is what the pictures are for. Okay?

That's a cheerful thought.

That's a lovely thought. Hmm.

That's also none of your business.

That's beautiful, Jake.

That's exactly it.

That's it? You don't have anything else to say to me today?

That's not the question.

That's not what I meant.

That's okay. You guys make a great couple.

That's really lovely, Sam.

That's the one, dude. Scope it out.

That's why they call them crushes.

The donger need food!

The party.

The weird Chinese guy in Mike's room. Oh.

Then don't hit anything. Ahh, don't hit anything.

There has to be a more dignified mode of transportation.

There's nothing there, man.

These things sometimes happen.

They fucking forgot my birthday.

They got four. Just get the camera. It's in the closet.

They just didn't remember it right away. Same difference.

They know this shit. And they enjoy pumping us up.

They never listen.

They were fantastic. Just great. What a great crowd.

They'll feel some massive guilt. It could be highly profitable.

Think they liked us? Definitely.

Think they liked us? Definitely.

Think we're going to die?

This information cannot leave this room, okay?

This is a car!

This is a car!

This is a great social opportunity for us.

This is a mother...

This is getting good.

This is my friend, Randy. And that's Jimmy montrose.

This is not my department. But what if I let him come to me, and he forgets?

This is so strange. But I think I will. Oh, you're the best.

This is the single worst day of my entire life.

This was before I knew you. I can get proof without getting physical.

This wedding is really turning this entire house inside out.

To kick your ass.

To stay clear of the likes of you!

Together some kind of relationship between us?

Trace, you guys, I'm serious.

Truly makes me ill.

Try again.

Try four.

Try to cooperate, will you? Dad, I didn't hit her.

U.F.O.? It's better.

Ugh. Canine cologne.

Uh, could we turn that music down? I'm a first time driver.

Uh, do you think that there's any reason...

Uh, good night, Marlene. See you later, dong.

Uh, we're being graded on it... For gym.

Uh...

Um,

Um, excuse me, but do you...

Um, Ginny, I'm really happy for you.

Unbelievable.

Underpants. Underpants.

Utterly forgettable.

Very clever dinner.

Very encouraging. Yeah, uh huh.

Very hostile.

Very hot. Very hot.

Very nice! We're five minutes in...

Very nice.

Very nice.

Video. Video.

Wait a minute. I have a wonderful idea.

Wait a minute. I thought she said his name was Rudy. Forget it.

Wait, black and white. It would capture the moment so nicely. Oooh.

Way to go, dick face. She took off.

We don't have a cat.

We don't want to announce that she has her period!

We forgot your birthday.

We had a spinout there.

We'll talk about this on the bus, okay? The thing is, I've got a problem.

We're safe as kittens. Okay?

Wease, close your barn, all right?

Wease, we got $70, and we got a pair of girl's underpants.

Weird?

Well, at least I brought this for you. It...

Well, I can't get happy.

Well, I don't think I'll be able to sleep if I

Well, I'm afraid it's here to stay, Howie.

Well, I'm sorry.

Well, if it's any consolation, I love you.

Well, it hasn't really happened yet.

Well, it might be nice if you'd visit...

Well, let me tell you something about Ginny.

Well, she's fine.

Well, that's pretty cool. Hey, but a lot can happen over a year.

Well, well, if it isn't Sammy Baker...

Well, what did they want?

Well, where am I sleeping?

Well, you don't spell it, son. You eat it.

Westbound, there's now a 20 car backup at the Devon Avenue toll.

What a decent night, huh? It's my birthday.

What a disaster.

What are you doing here? I heard you were here.

What are you waiting for? I don't know.

What do you expect, a breakfast birthday party?

What do you know about her?

What for? Look, just get it and come on out front, okay?

What happened? I have no idea.

What happened? Look, wease. I told you not to call me here.

What happens to me if I dick you?

What if he changes his mind? Then I'm totally screwed, right?

What makes them different than regular tits?

What the hell are you bitching about?

What the... what's he doing on the ground there?

What was he wearing? Well, he would have...

What would you do if you were me?

What year are you? Freshman.

What?

What? Are you kidding? Where should I start?

What? I'm sorry, I don't do that.

What's embarrassing?

What's the matter?

What's wrong? Nothing. Everything's fine.

What's wrong? You didn't get anything good, or...

What's your first name?

What's your middle name?

What's your problem? What?

Whatever I did was an accid... I I I didn't mean to...

When it comes your turn to get married, do me a favour. Elope.

When it happens to you, Samantha, it'll be forever.

When you do find the right guy, don't let him boss you around.

When you're given things kind of easily,

Where are my blue socks, Dorothy?

Where are you going?

Where are you, Jake?

Where the hell am I?

Where's my briefcase? Where'd you leave it?

Who died?

Who is it?

Who the hell? Who does he...

Who?

Who?

Who?

Who. Who, who?

Who'd marry her? Mr. t.

Who'd you name?

Who's he? That's me.

Whoa. Christ.

Whoo!

Whoo.

Why do you think you're a dork?

Why don't you remind them?

Why, you little scuzzbag!

Will you fix your hair, Bryce? I already did.

Will you guys grow up?

Will you hurry it up? I'm breaking, like, 30 major laws here.

Will you quit feeling sorry for yourself? It's bad for your complexion!

Will you stop that? You can get us in a lot of trouble doing that!

Will you stop that? You can get us in a lot of trouble doing that!

Will you take the picture already?

With you, I'm not worried.

With your grandparents and long duk dong.

Would give their underwear to help a geek like me.

Would it be possible to tell me if there is a Samantha Baker there?

Would it be totally off the wall if...

Would you feel better if you knew one of my secrets, or...

Would you help me, please?

Would you like to go to the dance with Sam?

Wow.

Yeah, but the thing is, I'm kind of like the leader.

Yeah, sure, daddy.

Yeah, well, he's totally bizarre. He is not.

Yeah, well, you asking me is not as off the wall as why I won't.

Yeah, when you don't have anything, you don't have anything to lose, right?

Yeah? I'll bet you a dozen floppy disks you don't even get tit.

Yeah? Sure.

Yeah.

Yeah. It's just they don't... they don't have the balls to admit it.

Yeah. She came up to me in the gym tonight.

Yeah. She came up to me in the gym tonight.

Yeah. Uh, well, excuse me.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. You know what I like best?

Yes, hello, sir. Um...

Yes, I'm back.

Yes, it is. And no, you may not.

Yes, three big ones, and they lust wimp blood.

Yes, you do. I know.

Yes, you're a total fag.

Yes. I am bored to the brink of insanity.

You already are.

You are such a liar.

You beat up my face! You grabbed my nuts.

You better not be dicking me around.

You came here for me?

You can eat your carrots when you get home.

You didn't. Mother!

You don't have a fever.

You gave me a birth control pill?

You got a bet, scumbag. I'll get it all.

You got Caroline. Now she's a woman.

You know Ginny.

You know how many times a week I go without lunch

You know my method. I don't hit her when you're just down the hall.

You know what I mean? There's something about her.

You know, a big party and a band, with tons of people. Tons of people.

You know, a girl with a hat is just so... whew.

You know, everybody in this family...

You know, I have this weird feeling I did.

You know, I'm getting input here that I'm reading as relatively hostile.

You know, just now I really felt how much you like me.

You know, neither one of us is going to die...

You know, Ted, nobody's going to believe you.

You know, things, life, whatnot.

You know? They're just... They're wimps.

You liar. Mike, come on, pal. We got a wedding tomorrow.

You like Jake?

You make someone a bridesmaid, and they shit all over you.

You may as well. Nothing could shock me anymore.

You mean you didn't pack them? Oh, not again, Howard.

You missed breakfast again.

You need four inches of bod and a great birthday.

You said you couldn't drive a stick.

You see, they know guys are, like, in perpetual heat, right?

You should check that out. Why do you always have to argue?

You sure? Positive.

You swear to God, you don't have it? I don't know anything about it.

You two should have a lot to chat about.

You want to feel a real clean, close shave? I'll pass.

You want to know what happened? Buy the book. Ted!

You want to split with me? I...

You... you were dancing with a girl?

You'll feel better.

You'll make her tinkle. Oh, come on, Helen.

You'll make her tinkle. Oh, come on, Helen.

You're pissing me off, I'm telling you.

You're probably zoning in on my brain waves or something.

You're really acting like... An asshole.

You're still 15.

You're such a poop.

You've been acting weird all night. Are you screwing around?

Your grandfather Fred jumped our claim on Sara's room.

Your grandpa and I are looking forward to a nice, long visit with you.

Are you guys ready? Wait, hold on.

Cheers. Right on.

Get the hell out of here. Nice! Nice manners, babe!

Hi! Hi!

Holy shit! She just had a cramp.

How's it going? Fine.

I think I have a dance to go to. Well, that's okay.

It's a quiche. Hmm. How do you spell?

Mike thinks I'm a dork. Mike is a dork.

Okay, sweetheart. Look, there she goes.

She got married. What?

V.D.? No.

Wait, um... What?

Where are you learning that stuff? School.

'cause it's really human of you to listen to my bullshit.

"birthday." It was just like any other day.

"Just climb in the car!" Shit.

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪ Ah ♪ these things?

♪ Ahh ♪

♪ Ahh ♪

♪ Although it stinks and when it rains you wear your hat ♪

♪ And I was you and I was you ♪

♪ And I was you and I was you ♪

♪ And I was you and I was you ♪

♪ And your girlfriend sweet little 17 ♪

♪ As your eyes tonight ♪

♪ Bah boom, bah boom ♪ not even when I was a freshman.

♪ Bah, bah, bah boom ♪ I was?

♪ Big, fat and wide ♪

♪ Blow out those candles ♪

♪ Boom, bah boom ♪ I never went out with a freshman.

♪ Boom, boom boom, boom ♪

♪ But not as bright ♪

♪ But would you suspect ♪

♪ But would you suspect ♪ hi.

♪ Clean, close shave, ahh ♪ waking up in your arms.

♪ Do not want a part of this anymore ♪

♪ For I love you so ♪

♪ For I love you so ♪

♪ For I'll be wishing ♪

♪ Forever and ever and ever ♪

♪ Forever and ever and evermore ♪

♪ Happy Birthday Happy Birthday ♪

♪ Happy Birthday Happy Birthday ♪

♪ Happy Birthday Happy Birthday ♪

♪ Happy Birthday Happy Birthday ♪

♪ Happy Birthday Happy Birthday ♪

♪ Happy Birthday Happy Birthday ♪

♪ Happy, Happy Birthday in a hot bath ♪

♪ Here comes the bride ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Hey, jude ♪ just stop it, okay?

♪ Hey, sucker ♪

♪ Hey, sucker ♪

♪ Hope you're feeling ♪

♪ I could deceive you ♪

♪ I got such a fright ♪

♪ I got such a fright ♪

♪ I know this ♪

♪ I remember always always ♪

♪ I remember always always ♪

♪ I'm in love with your daughter ♪

♪ I've ever seen ♪

♪ If they were me and I was you ♪

♪ If they were me if they were me ♪

♪ If they were me if they were me ♪

♪ If they were me if they were me ♪

♪ If they were me if they were me ♪

♪ If you were here ♪

♪ If you were here ♪

♪ If you were here I could deceive you ♪

♪ If you were here you would believe ♪

♪ In my heart in my heart will glow ♪

♪ In the snow on the ground ♪

♪ It would fall through the hole in your pocket and you'd lose it ♪

♪ It's my birthday too ♪

♪ Make a lovely, lovely light ♪

♪ Make your wish come true ♪

♪ Much is true ♪

♪ My emotion wandering yeah ♪

♪ Oh, I love you so ♪

♪ Ooh ♪ shit.

♪ Seeing them in my dark cupboard ♪

♪ Seeing them in my dark cupboard ♪

♪ She thinks that London's where it's at ♪

♪ She's got her layered hair and her flared jeans ♪

♪ Sixteen candles ♪

♪ Sixteen candles ♪

♪ Sixteen candles yeah ♪

♪ Spend all our money in a bar ♪

♪ Time ♪

♪ To those nice, nice nights ♪

♪ We like the really loud guitar ♪

♪ We're hanging out in Vinnie's car ♪

♪ What the hell's got into you ♪

♪ With my great big cake ♪

♪ With my great big cake ♪

♪ Would you have liked a present too ♪

♪ Would you have liked a present too ♪

♪ You got to walk into town to find a job ♪

♪ You know what that means she's just a little queen ♪

♪ You ou are my desire ♪

♪ You ou are my desire ♪

♪ You say it's your birthday ♪

♪ You tie your ginger hair back in a bun ♪

♪ You would believe ♪

♪ You... you are my desire ♪

♪ You're only 16 ♪

♪ You're the prettiest loveliest girl ♪

♪ You're the ugliest creature under the sun ♪

♪ You're trying to keep your hands warm ♪