Annie Hall (1977) Edit

A few.

A large vibrating egg.

A little bigger.

A little louder. I think one of them may have missed it.

A little on the androgynous side.

A lot of beautiful women. It was fun to flirt.

A year ago we were in love.

About a group of pituitary cases trying to stuff a ball through a hoop?

Acting is like an exploration of the soul. It's very religious.

Adult education is a wonderful thing!

Adult education is junk. The professors are phony. How can you do it?

Aesthetic criteria? You mean whether it's a good photo or not?

After all the serious talks and passionate moments...

After that, it got late and we both had to go.

Ah, let him drop dead. Who needs his business?

Air miles. Do you know what that does to my stomach?

All over the country, people are desperate for food.

All right, forget it. Aren't you going to be late for meeting Annie?

All that Juliet of the Spirits or Satyricon.

All this happened the first hour? That's amazing.

Alvy Singer. Thanks very much for everything.

Alvy, do you remember where I put my drawing pad?

Alvy, it'll be wonderful. Oh, lovely!

Alvy, let's face it.

Alvy, what is so fascinating...

Alvy, you were just great. I'm not kidding.

Alvy, you're the one who never wanted to make a real commitment.

An emergency, a tidal wave, an earthquake.

And a first aid kit and fire extinguisher.

And a plate of mashed yeast.

And all the poetry books are mine.

And even be glad

And even develop photographs if we want to.

And get more in touch with my feelings and all that crap.

And gradually you get old and die. It's important to make an effort sometimes.

And he can come and kill the spider.

And Henrietta Farrell, Miss Perfect all the time.

And how much fun it was just knowing her.

And I can't breathe.

And I think what we've got on our hands is a dead shark.

And I thought of that old joke.

And I trust her, because my analyst recommended her.

And I was thrown out of NYU my freshman year...

And if you kill yourself, they make you pay for the sessions you miss.

And it's all over much too quickly.

And it's still a thrill

And Ivan Ackerman, always the wrong answer. Always!

And just kicked around old times.

And my relationship with my brother.

And nothing interesting to say.

And now they're ahead two points.

And over the most ridiculous things.

And Randolph Hunt was drunk as usual.

And seeing you there With a smile on your face

And she aches just like a woman...

And she makes love just like a woman.

And the police said conclusively that it was an exit wound.

And the roller skates.

And the women are like in Playboy, but they can move their arms and legs.

And then a big hand.

And those who can't teach, teach gym."

And took an overdose of mah jongg tiles.

And tried to take my pants off over my head.

And under his breath he said, "Jew."

And we're going to meet Jack and Angelica for a drink.

And we're invited to a big Christmas party.

And you're the worst driver I've ever seen in my life.

Ann tells us you've been seeing a psychiatrist for 15 years.

Annie and I broke up, and I still can't get my mind around that.

Annie and I had lunch sometime after that...

Annie, Gram and I. Got some nice picture frames.

Annie, there's a big lobster behind the refrigerator.

Annie's mother is really beautiful.

Anyplace. Europe. Anyplace. Asia.

Anyway, so George is standing in line...

Are we driving through plutonium?

Are you 12 years old? That's one of your Chippewa Falls expressions.

Are you busy Friday night?

Are you going with a right wing rock and roll star?

Are you joining a minstrel show?

Are you joking or what?

Are you on television?

Are you recording? Are you with any label?

Are you saying you're not coming back to New York with me?

Are you? The 12:00 show is completely different than the 9:00.

Around you

Around you

As Balzac said, "There goes another novel."

As opposed to the distinguished gray.

Because he was shell shocked in the first World War.

Because I think you should read them instead of that cat book.

Because I turned 40, and I guess I'm going through a life crisis.

Because I was walking a block behind staring at you? That's not following.

Because I'm always tense when I'm playing a college.

Because I've got a temperature...

Because in the dream, I break Sinatra's glasses.

Because it's an important issue.

Because it's real difficult in life.

Because the union always gave George this free turkey at Christmastime...

Because then when he sang, it was in this real high pitch voice.

Because while you two are doing that, I'm going to do some drawing.

Because you don't think I'm smart enough.

Black soap. She used to wash her face 800 times a day with black soap.

But do you love me? That's the key question.

But I approved it immediately.

But I gotta be really talented. Material's got to be sensational for me.

But I guess we keep going through it...

But I swear I was brought up underneath the roller coaster...

But I want the whole thing!

But I was in analysis with a strict Freudian.

But I'm balding slightly on top. That's about the worst you can say about me.

But if I do sleep with him, it's like I'm going against my own feelings.

But if there was a second assassin...

But it appears originally in Freud's Wit and lts Relation to the Unconscious.

But it doesn't make any sense. He drove past the book depository...

But it was great seeing Annie again.

But no presents until midnight.

But nobody laughs, because the jokes aren't funny.

But she breaks just like a little girl."

But she's colored. The colored have enough trouble!

But she's the one, is she ever. I'm telling you.

But Tessie was always the one with personality.

But the thing is he falls asleep, and he never wakes up.

But there's ritual, religious cult murders.

But, on the other hand, the body doesn't lie as we now know.

Bye.

Can I confess something?

Can I show you something? I found this in the apartment.

Can we not argue in front of everybody? I get embarrassed.

Can we not debate this on the telephone...

Can you imagine the mathematical possibilities of that?

Central Park West, Brandeis University, socialist summer camps...

Central Park's turning green.

Charlie Chaplin, right before his un American thing.

Charlie, give me a good laugh here.

Check please.

Cleveland Cavaliers losing to the New York Knicks.

College audiences are wonderful.

Come and see our bedroom. We did a fantastic thing up there.

Come on.

Commentary.

Constantly. I'd say three times a week. Like the other night, Alvy wanted sex.

Corned beef, please.

Could make me be blue

Damn it! I was so close!

Denial of Death. This is the first book I got you.

Didn't you take a shower at the club?

Dinner dates and flowers

Do I drive? No, I got a problem with driving.

Do you believe Tessie had the personality?

Do you love me?

Do you realize how immoral this all is?

Do you realize how paranoid you are?

Do you understand? A hot medium.

Do you want to get married?

Do you? That's funny, because I happen to have Mr. McLuhan right here.

Does this sound like a good course: "Modern American Poetry"?

Doing things we used

Don't ask me why.

Don't be ridiculous.

Don't do that.

Don't give me your life's story.

Don't let it be so long now.

Don't put it on me. I don't want to put a wad of white powder in my nose.

Don't squish it. After it's dead, flush it down the toilet, okay?

Don't tell me we're going to have to walk from the car to the house?

Don't worry.

Don't you have Raid in the house?

Don't. You're using sex to express hostility.

Especially when he sang, "She takes just like a woman...

Even as a kid, I went for the wrong women. I think that's my problem.

Even then I knew they were just jerks.

Even when you got famous, you still distrusted the world.

Even wrote a road map to get us to the bathroom.

Everybody in line has to know our rate of intercourse?

Everyone fell in love with Snow White, and I fell for the wicked queen.

Examining my life and trying to figure out where did the screwup come.

Excuse me. Hi, I'm Tony Lacey.

Excuse me. When do I go on?

For cheating on my metaphysics final.

For me it's been terrific. You know?

For your own experience. You want to write. Why not?

Full of loneliness, misery, suffering and unhappiness...

George was real sweet. He had that thing.

Getting his free turkey...

Give me a magazine, 'cause I'm a little tired.

Give me a medium chuckle here...

Give me a tremendous laugh here.

Go ahead.

God bless.

God, I did this really terrible thing to him...

God, it's a great day!

Good bye, Sally.

Good!

Good? Yes. No, that was the most fun I've had without laughing.

Good. Oh, thank you.

Grammy always does such a good job.

Granted La Strada was a great film.

Granted, it has bad plumbing and bugs. You say that like it's a negative.

Grass, right? The illusion that it makes a white woman more like Billie Holiday.

Great in its use of negative imagery more than anything else.

Great sauce.

Hang in there for a second. I got a little erotic artifact...

Happy birthday.

Hardly ever. Maybe three times a week.

Harvard makes mistakes, too. Kissinger taught there.

Having you to walk with

He can. Do you have to give it so loud?

He has a Chair in History at Princeton.

He kissed me!

He looked her, then they both looked at me...

He placed third.

He really is one of the most indulgent of filmmakers.

He said as he removed her brassier.

He says, "Oh, Marie, sometime you make me so mad!"

He's dead. Yeah.

He's God. I mean, this man is God.

He's got millions of followers, who would crawl across the world...

He's just come back from the gin rummy finals.

He's neat looking and he was emotional.

He's saying, "Yes, we have a sale this week on Wagner."

He's screaming his opinions in my ear.

He's spitting on my neck when he talks.

He's strangling me.

Hello.

Here with

Here you are. There's people out there.

Here, you want some?

Here's a real present.

Here's what I want to know. Am I your first, big romance?

Hey, put it in the pot.

Hi, Doug. Douglas Wyeth...

Hi, Duane. How's it going?

Holy cow!

How about a ginger ale?

How am I a paranoid? I pick up on those kind of things.

How can we afford it, on your pay? What if she steals more?

How can you possibly oversleep?

How do you account for it?

How do you like this couple? They look like they're from Masters and Johnson.

How do you plan to spend the holidays, Mrs. Singer?

How long do you know Janet? Where do you know her from?

How you ever got to teach a course in anything is totally amazing!

How?

I "loave" you. I "luff" you, with two "f"s.

I admire the technique, but it doesn't hit me on a gut level.

I adore Alvy, but our relationship doesn't seem to work anymore.

I always wanted to try, but Alvy's very down on it.

I ask a psychopath, I get that kind of answer. Jesus!

I called you. You want to help me or not?

I came to get some shock therapy, but there was an energy crisis.

I can anticipate the explosion.

I can go uptown, too. I live uptown.

I can't believe this family.

I can't enjoy anything unless everybody is.

I can't get it off my mind! It's obsessing me!

I can't get it out. This thing's heavy.

I can't get over that this is really Beverly Hills.

I can't get with any religion that advertises in Popular Mechanics. Look.

I can't go in, in the middle.

I can't say that that's true at this point in my life.

I can't! My head is throbbing.

I can't. I can't put a live thing in hot water.

I covered the Dylan concert, which gave me chills.

I did it. I killed them both. What's the matter?

I did.

I didn't have to lie on the couch. She had me sitting up.

I didn't start out spying. I thought I'd surprise you, pick you up after school.

I didn't tell you. We're going to California next week.

I didn't think it was that big, but it's a major spider.

I distinctly heard it. He muttered under his breath, "Jew."

I do! It's for my girlfriend.

I don't believe it. You guys have never snorted coke?

I don't care what you say about David. He's a fine teacher.

I don't do it very often. It just sort of relaxes me.

I don't get a period. I'm a cartoon character. Can't I be upset sometimes?

I don't know how much longer I can keep this smile frozen on my face.

I don't know how they get through life. It's amazing to me.

I don't know why you have to get high every time we make love.

I don't know.

I don't know. I mean, I guess you must be sort of late.

I don't know. I miss you.

I don't know. I think it may have been Leopold and Loeb.

I don't know. I thought it might be fun.

I don't know. It's like you're removed.

I don't know. Six months ago I would have done it just to please him.

I don't know. You seem sort of distant.

I don't like to get naked in front of another man.

I don't like to show my body to a man of my gender.

I don't think California is bad at all.

I don't think I could take a mellow evening. I don't respond well to mellow.

I don't think I mind analysis at all. The question is, will it change my wife?

I don't think many couples could handle this, break up and remain friends.

I don't think our relationship is working.

I don't think you like emotion too much.

I don't, but I know your work. I'm a big fan of yours.

I feel like there's a great weight off my back.

I feel so guilty, because Alvy is paying for it.

I feel that life is divided up into the horrible and the miserable.

I flew in to see you.

I found it incredibly indulgent.

I found you

I found you

I get too wonderful for words.

I got a license, but I have too much hostility.

I got this VW out there.

I got time. I got nothing until my analyst appointment.

I had a really good day. It was a fine way to spend my birthday.

I had some very good memories there.

I had the radio on. I'm sorry, it was the television.

I happen to teach a class at Columbia called "TV, Media and Culture."

I have a bad history with colleges. I went to New York University.

I have a hyperactive imagination. My mind tends to jump around a little.

I have a terrific problem with authority.

I have my license here. It's a rented car.

I have some trouble between fantasy and reality.

I have this impulse to turn the wheel quickly...

I have to face facts.

I have to go now, Duane, because I'm due back on the planet Earth.

I have to go out there. Say something encouraging, quickly.

I have to go to Burbank and give out an award on a TV show.

I heard Commentary and Dissent had merged and formed Dysentery.

I heard high pitched squealing.

I heard what you were saying.

I hope you don't mind that I took so long to finish.

I interestingly had dated a woman...

I just try to feel it, to get a sense of it and not think about it so much.

I keep sifting the pieces of the relationship through my mind...

I know what you're going to say. I'm not a great driver.

I know you've only known me a short while.

I know. A relationship is like a shark:

I know. Because of our sexual problem, right?

I know. I prefer not to. Look, they're laughing at him.

I know. Sometimes I ask myself how I'd stand up under torture.

I live over here. Oh, my God, look! There's a parking space.

I lost track of most of my old schoolmates, but I wound up a comedian.

I love you.

I may throw up.

I mean it. I'll never play the piano again.

I mean that as a compliment.

I mean, no. I think it's important for us to explore new relationships.

I meet a lot of jerks.

I meet people, go to parties and play tennis.

I miss Annie. I made a terrible mistake.

I must say, I always thought my schoolmates were idiots.

I need grass.

I need the large polo mallet.

I never had a latency period. I can't help it.

I never read that. That was Henry James' sequel to Turn of the Screw?

I never want to belong to any club that would have someone like me for a member.

I ran over. I couldn't get a taxi. You said it was an emergency.

I ran up the stairs.

I realize what a terrific person she was...

I really can't say that's true.

I remember the staff at our public school.

I run a profitable dress company.

I said you, I and that girl from acting class should sleep together.

I saw that lunatic we used to see with the pinwheel hat...

I see two headlights coming toward me, fast.

I see.

I sell talliths.

I stop, and then I open with some jokes. That's where I need you.

I tell you this, because, as an artist, I think you'll understand.

I think he has a thing for Annie.

I think I can get money to make it into a concept, then turn it into an idea.

I think I should get out of here, 'cause I think I'm imposing.

I think I'm going to get better as I get older.

I think if I could pry...

I think my insights into Mr. McLuhan have a great deal of validity.

I think of us that way sometimes, and I live here.

I think that's sort of... Yeah, yeah.

I think there's too much burden placed on the orgasm...

I think we should get married.

I think we're both much too mature for something like that.

I think, if you let me, I could help you have more fun.

I thought it was very musical. I liked it a lot.

I told her about the family and my feelings towards men...

I told you a thousand times to keep a lot of insect spray.

I told you if you stuck to it, you would be great and...

I took a meeting with Freddy. Freddy took a meeting with Charlie.

I took a puff about five years ago at a party...

I tried, but it's very depressing.

I used to get my aggression out through those cars.

I used to live there for years, but it's so dirty now.

I used to lose my glasses a lot.

I walk out. Place looks wonderful from here

I wandered around And finally found

I want you to see my house. I live next to Hugh Hefner.

I was a great beauty!

I was a reasonably happy kid.

I was all schoolyard.

I was always the sister with good common sense...

I was at the Stones' concert when they killed that guy. Remember?

I was awful! I'm so ashamed! I can't sing.

I was brought up in Brooklyn during World War II.

I was depressed at that time. I was in analysis.

I was having lunch with guys from NBC, so I said, "Did you eat yet?"

I was more attractive when the evening began.

I was playing Richard II. Two guys with leather jackets stole my leotard.

I was quite a lively dancer.

I was suicidal, as a matter of fact, and would have killed myself...

I whine. I sit and I whine.

I work... I'm kind of classy. Know what I mean?

I'd like to come.

I'd like to get torn apart by wild animals.

I'd like to talk to you about that sometime if you get a chance.

I'll drive in. I rented a car.

I'll give you a shot of Sodium Pentothal. You can sleep through it.

I'll have the usual trouble with Annie in bed tonight.

I'll never know when to make the right move.

I'll say, "I just got back from Canada. They speak a lot of French.

I'll take a meeting with you if you'll take a meeting with Freddy.

I'll tell you this. He was not marksman enough...

I'm able to enjoy people more.

I'm at the Los Angeles airport. I flew in.

I'm auditioning at this club. It's my first time.

I'm comparatively normal for a guy raised in Brooklyn.

I'm driving.

I'm getting tired of it. I need your attention.

I'm going to buy you these books...

I'm going to get my camera.

I'm going to give him one more year, and then I'm going to Lourdes.

I'm going to have the alfalfa sprouts...

I'm going to take another in a series of cold showers.

I'm going uptown.

I'm having pastrami on white bread...

I'm in the wrong business. I know it.

I'm into leather.

I'm like a comedian, so if I get a laugh from a person who's high...

I'm looking forward to tomorrow. It'll be nice. You'll meet Mother and Father.

I'm meeting her in front of the Beekman. I have a few minutes left, right?

I'm moving in with you, that's why.

I'm not discussing politics or economics. This is foreskin.

I'm not getting my period! Jesus!

I'm not in the mood to see a four hour documentary on Nazis.

I'm not worried about aging. I'm not one of those characters.

I'm obsessed with death, I think.

I'm one of the few males who suffers from that. Go on.

I'm president of the Pinkus Plumbing Company.

I'm so tired of spending evenings...

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I can't go through with this.

I'm sorry. My sexual problem. Okay? My sexual problem!

I'm starting to get some feeling back in my jaw now.

I'm sure it's fun, 'cause the Incas did it. They were a million laughs.

I'm thinking about getting some cats.

I'm too tense. I need a Valium.

I'm very shallow and empty, and I have no ideas...

I've always felt he was essentially a technical filmmaker.

I've been going for 15 years. I don't have nothing like that.

I've been killing spiders since I was 30. Okay?

I've got a hit series.

I've got an idea. Call the guy who took you to the rock concert...

I've got to sing tomorrow night, so I have to rest my voice.

I've had four lessons.

I've never been so relaxed as I have been since I moved out here.

I've never been to Brooklyn.

If anyone ever told me that I'd be taking out a girl...

If I get too mellow, I ripen and rot.

If I have grass or alcohol, I get unbearably wonderful.

If I miss my therapy you can only think of it in terms of how it affects you!

If life were only like this.

If one guy is starving someplace, it puts a crimp in my evening.

If only I didn't feel guilty asking Annie to move out.

If only I had the nerve to break up, but it would really hurt him.

If only I had the nerve to do my own jokes.

If she is, then the hell with her. If she likes that lifestyle, let her stay.

If you could get me something to get me through the next two hours.

If you have a car...

If you must know, it's a hectic time for Tony.

If you want to see a movie, you have to stand on line.

If you'd like to come, we'd love to have you.

Imagine my surprise when I got your call.

In 1942 I had already discovered women.

In about six weeks we could cut the whole album.

In the Coney Island section of Brooklyn.

In the Eisenhower administration, briefly.

In the event of war, I'm a hostage.

In the middle? We've only missed the titles. They're in Swedish.

Interestingly, however, I did run into Annie again.

Is he kidding with that crap?

Is it the old Groucho Marx joke...

Is one usually attributed to Groucho Marx...

Is that a reason to steal from your partner?

Is that Paul Goodman? No.

Is there booing on that?

Is this an interview? We're supposed to be making love.

It could be freezing or raining. And here...

It doesn't count, 'cause they're always laughing.

It goes like this, I'm paraphrasing:

It had to be you

It had to be you

It has to constantly move forward or it dies.

It is. It's dynamite ham.

It lacks a cohesive structure.

It makes it easy for me, because I can be...

It must be a tremendous hem.

It relaxes me.

It ruins it for me if you have grass.

It was a wonderful set. I really enjoyed it.

It was ironic to me...

It was just great!

It was on the Upper West Side of Manhattan.

It was really weird, but she's a very nice woman.

It was snowing and really gray in New York.

It was yours, actually.

It was, I don't know. You really thought it was good?

It won't be expanding for billions of years!

It would be nice to meet some new people.

It'd probably wreck her, but I should be honest.

It'll be great, because all those Ph.Ds. are in there discussing...

It'll pass. I'm going through a phase, that's all.

It'll turn up in our bed at night. Get out of here with that thing!

It's 3:00 in the morning. You got me out of bed.

It's a Biblical name, right? Does he call you Bathsheba?

It's a big subject with me. I have a pessimistic view of life.

It's a drag coming home.

It's a dying city. You read Death in Venice.

It's a great story, though. It really made my day.

It's a new art form. A set of aesthetic criteria have not emerged yet.

It's a nice ham this year, Mom.

It's a very big spider. A lot of trouble. There's two of 'em.

It's a wonderful thing. You meet wonderful, interesting professors.

It's always some kind of an excuse. You used to think I was very sexy.

It's been a long time!

It's Easter. We'll sit down and eat. I think they'll really like you.

It's funny.

It's got bad plumbing and bugs. Jesus.

It's great stuff, Alvy. A friend just brought it in from California.

It's just, I mean...

It's like a visual poem.

It's like Samuel Beckett.

It's like when I think of dying. You know how I'd like to die?

It's me. Open up. Are you okay?

It's never something you do. That's how people are. Love fades.

It's not natural. We're sleeping in a bed together.

It's not your fault. Don't take it personal.

It's really a thrill, as you know.

It's so clean out here.

It's so phony. We have to leave New York during Christmas. It kills me.

It's the influence of television.

It's there. We don't have to go to it, deal with it...

It's unbelievably transplendent!

It's very hard to believe.

It's wonderful. They eat and watch movies all day.

Jesus, what did you do? Come by way of the Panama Canal?

Jesus, you don't want it to be like we're married, do you?

Jesus! Now I don't get to do the TV show?

Jesus! Really?

Jesus.

Jesus.

Joey Nichols. See? Nickels.

June 14, 1940. The German army occupies Paris.

Just don't get angry.

Just don't take any course where they make you read Beowulf.

Just forget it. Let's just forget the conversation.

Just let me... Come over here. Tell him.

Just pick up the license.

Just put on the watch and that thing. It'll be perfect.

Just relax, be very mellow.

Just stay there. I'll come right over.

Just to be sad

Just to have my arms

Just to have my arms

Just to touch the hem of his garment.

Keeps out the alpha rays. You don't get old.

Key word here is "indulgent."

Kind of a French number. Can you do it?

La de dah.

Last night it was a guy honking his car horn.

Lately the strangest things have been going through my mind...

Leo, I married a fool!

Let me explain how I work. You can tell off the bat...

Let me explain. I'll open with an opening song.

Let's just do it, all right?

Let's never break up again. I don't want to be apart.

Like a kind of liberating consciousness.

Like the tip of your nose, and if I stroke your teeth or your knee caps...

Like this house, Max?

Like we're left wing, communist, *******, homosexual pornographers.

Linen supply business or cement and contracting.

Listen, while you're in California, could you score some coke for me?

Listen. You want to come upstairs and have a glass of wine or something?

Living together hasn't been so bad, has it?

Local kid who'd meet you in front of the movie house on Saturday night?

Look at him mincing around. Boy, thinks he's real cute.

Look at that guy. There's Mr. Miami Beach in the pink.

Look at these guys. That's hilarious. They're back from Fire Island.

Look who's talking! You've been seeing a psychiatrist for 15 years.

Look! One crawled behind the refrigerator.

Look! That's my old house. That's where I used to live.

Look. All the books on death and dying are yours.

Look. That over there is Joey Nichols.

Love is too weak a word for what... I "lurve" you.

Lyndon Johnson?

Make it out to Ralph.

Makes me shout This must be the place

Making dreams come true

Making fake insights with people who work for Dysentery.

Marshall McLuhan deals with it in terms of it being a high intensity.

Max, forget about Annie. I know lots of women you can date.

Max, I've got a girl for you. You are going to love her.

Max, my serve is going to send you to the showers early.

Max, the city is terribly run.

Max, there's no crime, there's no mugging.

Maybe if I put a dish of butter sauce here, it'll run out the other side.

Maybe that accounts for my personality, which is a little nervous.

Maybe we should call the police. Dial 911. It's the lobster squad.

Me? No, not at all.

Me? No. Don't be silly.

Me? Oh, no.

Melvyn Greenglass and his fat little face.

Mo Moskowitz. He had a coronary.

Modes of alienation, and we'll be in here quietly humping.

My analyst says I exaggerate my childhood memories...

My analyst says I should live in the country and not in New York.

My analyst thinks this move is key for me.

My feet haven't touched pavement since I reached Los Angeles.

My God! What would they think?

My mother, an emotionally high strung woman, locked herself in the bathroom...

Neat? I hate to tell you this is 1975.

Neither do we.

Next he'll find you're keen and peachy. Then he'll have his hand on your ass.

Next to Tudor next to Japanese.

Nice car. You keep it nice.

Nice to have met you. Good night.

Nice. Santa Claus will have sun stroke.

No food. You know, to atone for our sins.

No jokes. These are friends. Okay?

No question. I think we're doing the mature thing.

No, don't be silly. What do we need other people for?

No, I can't eat this. I'm nauseous.

No, I couldn't make it. My raccoon had hepatitis.

No, I don't use any major hallucinogenics.

No, I don't. I was in a record store. Listen to this.

No, I just lost a little weight, that's all.

No, I mean you don't have to. You're probably late and everything.

No, I'm fine.

No, I'm sorry. I'm not going to go on after another comedian.

No, no. I never shower in a public place.

No, stay there. I'll come over right now.

No, that would be fine. I wouldn't mind. Sure.

No, they didn't. You have a wonderful voice.

No, what... Sure, I...

No. Look. I gotta go.

No. Maybe I'd better lie down.

No. My stomach felt queasy all morning.

No. We live together, we sleep together, we eat together.

No. We're friends.

No. What's the matter?

Not only is he a great agent, but he really gives good leading.

Not only that, you look thin and tired.

Nothing like my family. The two are like oil and water.

Nothing that a few mega vitamins couldn't cure.

Nothing. No, no.

Now we can go about our business...

Now we're getting to a subject you know something about.

Of course I do. Don't you think I do?

Oh, dear.

Oh, gee, mess up my moustache wax.

Oh, I'm sorry, I have something. What about Saturday night?

Oh, my God! She's right.

Oh, no. I have a car.

Oh, right!

Oh, the thing! Oh, the thing. Yeah.

Oh, why? You got a car?

Oh, yeah? Yeah?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, you're on next.

Okay, it's in. It's definitely in the pot.

Okay! My analyst just thinks I'm too tense! Where's the goddamn Valium?

Okay? Now we can digest our food.

Okay. If that's all that we've been through together means to you...

Old times

Old times

Old times

Old times

Old times

Old times

Old times

Once in a while.

One says, "The food at this place is really terrible."

Or don't you remember that day?

Or, let's see...

Paranoid? I'm looking at you, and you've got your arms around another guy.

Pass the brisket.

Perhaps it would be better if we took him to the hospital.

Please, I have a headache.

Political commitment in 20th century literature.

Portchnik.

Portchnik.

Pretty awful.

Really strike oriented...

Really?

Really? And what is the kick of it?

Really? How'd you like it?

Really? Maybe...

Remember that day?

Remember we discussed that thing?

Remember we had that thing?

Right now it's only a notion.

Right, Max. California, Max.

Right.

Right.

Right. I don't know. I mean, some of her poems seem neat.

Right. I think I know exactly what you mean when you say "religious."

Right. I'm a bigot, but for the left.

Right. To get back to what we were discussing.

Saturday night, I'm going to sing.

See? Nickels. You see? Nickels.

Seems like

Seems like

Seems like

Seems like

Seven and three is nine.

Sex with you is really a Kafkaesque experience.

She has a right to steal from us. Who can she steal from if not from us?

She hates ****. She thinks they just make money.

She said "wife". You heard that, because you were there. I'm not crazy.

She said I was guilty about my impulses towards marriage and children.

She said your name was Alvy Singer.

She was beautiful. She was willing. She was real intelligent.

She would not sleep with me the other night.

She's a colored woman from Harlem. She has no money.

She's a reporter for Rolling Stone.

She's a ten. That's great for you, 'cause you're used to two's, aren't you?

She's living in Los Angeles with Tony Lacey.

She's making progress, and I'm getting screwed.

Since our discussions here, I feel I have a right to my own feelings.

Since when do you read the National Review? What are you turning into?

Since you put it that way, it's hard for me to refuse.

Six year old boys don't have girls on their minds.

So anyway, George went to the union to get his free turkey...

So he's dead.

So how is it possible for Oswald to have fired from two angles at once?

So long, fellows. Keep in touch.

So what are you up to?

So when you go through life, be thankful that you're miserable.

So, did you do those photographs in there?

So, you work for Stevenson all the time?

So, your second wife left you.

Someday it will break apart, and that will be the end of everything.

Something he read, huh?

Sometimes I think I should live with a woman.

Sometimes I wonder where my classmates are today.

Sometimes when I'm driving...

Somewhere she cooled off to me. Is it something that I did?

Soon, when I lie down on his couch, I won't have to wear the lobster bib.

Staying up all hours

Still the thrill

Still the thrill

Stop acting out.

Stop me before I make a complete imbecile of myself.

Sun is bad for you. Everything our parents said was good is bad.

Sun, milk, red meat, college.

Sure, be glad to. I'll just put it in the hollow heel on my boot.

Sure, because he's a singer, and you're a singer. It's perfect.

Sylvia Plath. Interesting poetess whose tragic suicide...

Talk to him. You speak shellfish.

Tell Dr. Flicker. It's something he read.

Tell the folks where you are today, Donald.

Tessie, they say you were the sister with personality.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thanks for talking to me.

That day in Brooklyn was the last day I remember having a good time.

That everybody on the Warren Commission is in on this conspiracy, right?

That I brought up from the city, which I think is going to be perfect.

That I don't want to belong to any club that would have me for a member?

That is the worst kind of paranoid!

That it ends here, in a health food restaurant on Sunset Boulevard.

That it was the day

That it was the day

That jerk that teaches that crap course, "Contemporary Crisis in Western Man."

That little apartment is $400 a month, Alvy.

That movie makes me feel guilty.

That was fun.

That was last year!

That was my fault. I was too crazy.

That was so nice! That was nice.

That was wonderful! I love being reduced to a cultural stereotype.

That's a convenient out. When some group disagrees with you, it's anti Semitism.

That's a great film if you're high. It's really funny.

That's a perfect analytic insight.

That's a polite word for what you are.

That's a very big step for me.

That's essentially how I feel about life:

That's fine. That's great. I don't know what I did wrong.

That's interesting. So you've managed to work out something?

That's it. Forget it. I can't go in.

That's just great.

That's me. Joey Five Cents.

That's nice. This is Alvy Singer. Do you know Alvy?

That's not it at all. Alvy's giving an award on TV.

That's okay, 'cause I know exactly what that's like.

That's okay, we can walk to the curb from here.

That's one thing about intellectuals:

That's pretty serious stuff.

That's really nice. Thanks a lot.

That's right. You only gave me books with the word "death" in the title.

That's right. You really like those New York girls.

That's the key joke of my adult life in terms of my relationships with women.

That's the second time this month! Step up here.

That's the welcome home party, 1945, for my cousin Herbie.

That's what I call removed!

That's why this machine is dynamite.

The alarm clock.

The architecture is really consistent. There's French next to Spanish...

The city can't close down.

The doctor says, "Why don't you turn him in?"

The failure of the country to get behind New York City is anti Semitism.

The FBI and the CIA and J. Edgar Hoover, the oil companies...

The flames rising out of the flowing gasoline.

The Foul Rag and Bone Shop of the Heart.

The funny part is, you don't know anything about Marshall McLuhan.

The Gestapo would take away your charge card, and you'd tell 'em everything.

The Grammys. He's got a lot of records up for awards.

The guy says, "I would, but I need the eggs."

The horrible would be like terminal cases and blind people, cripples.

The man is 50 years old and doesn't have a substantial job.

The music will start.

The music will start.

The old lady at the end of the table is a classic Jew hater.

The one who killed me the most was my mother's sister, Tessie.

The only word for this is "transplendent".

The other important joke for me...

The other says, "I know, and such small portions."

The Pentagon, the men's room attendant at the White House?

The rest of the country looks upon New York...

The short man is Hershel Kaminsky. He has a Chair in Philosophy at Cornell.

The sound of shattering glass.

The universe is everything, and if it's expanding...

The usual. I'm trying to write. I'm working on a play.

Then everybody's in on the conspiracy.

Then I told her I didn't think you'd ever take me seriously...

Then I've got to get laughs, too. How much can they laugh?

Then why are you always pushing me to take college courses like I was dumb?

Then why did you say, "Do you have a car" like you wanted a lift?

Then, I remembered, when I was a kid, I accidentally saw my parents making love.

There are more people here to see the Maharishi...

There are no two's.

There he is, and there I am.

There was a model boy.

There. Create a little old New Orleans essence.

There's a spider in your bathroom the size of a Buick.

There's an old joke.

There's another thing about New York.

There's God coming out of the men's room.

There's going to be all that tension. We've never kissed before.

There's Henry Drucker.

There's no economic crime...

There's no question about that, because we've given this a more than fair shot.

There's nothing wrong with you as far as I can tell.

There's something different about you. I don't know what, but it's great.

There's the nasal membrane.

There's the screens with the dead moths behind them.

There's this tall, blond crew cutted guy and he's looking at me in a funny way.

There's wheat germ killers out here.

These are yours. "Impeach Eisenhower." "Impeach Nixon."

They did not take me in the army.

They do nothing but give out awards. I can't believe it.

They give awards for that music? I thought just ear plugs.

They really look American, healthy, like they never get sick or anything.

They recovered the shells from that rifle.

They threw him a football once. He tried to dribble it.

They'll hate me immediately.

They're going to tape without you.

They're going to tape without you.

They're only baby ones. For God sakes.

They're only lobsters.

They're probably on their first date.

They're totally irrational, crazy and absurd.

They're wonderful. They have a quality.

They've proved you can be brilliant and have no idea what's going on.

Thinking of you

This button is mine. Remember?

This guy goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doc, my brother's crazy.

This guy goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doc, my brother's crazy.

This guy is naturally funny. I think he can write for you.

This is a great house: Saunas, Jacuzzis, three tennis courts.

This is Alvy Singer!

This is Shawn, Bob and Petronia.

This is the University of Wisconsin, right?

This tie is a present from Grammy Hall.

Those are the two categories.

Those guys in the French Resistance were really brave.

To bring a live thing in the house.

To do

To hit a moving target at that range.

To make up for empty areas in life.

To walk with

Tom Christie said, "No. Jew?" Not "Did you?"

Tony's very nice.

Touch my heart with your foot.

Try to get some of this down. It's just plain chicken.

Twins, Max.

Twins, Max.

Two elderly women are at a Catskill mountain resort.

Two minutes ago, the Knicks are ahead 14 points...

Two more chairs, they got a dining room set.

Unless I'm neither of those two.

Unless I'm one of those guys with saliva dribbling out of his mouth...

Up to that, the most charismatic event I covered...

Very significantly, Wagner.

Visible panty line. She's gorgeous.

Wagner, Max. I know what he's trying to tell me.

Wait a second! No, no! Oh, shoot!

Wait, I got a great idea.

Wait. I'm going to go with you.

Wait. Why can't I give my opinion? It's a free country!

Was it heavy? Did it achieve total "heavyosity"?

Was it my imagination or are you just going through the motions?

Was Mick's birthday when the Stones played Madison Square Garden.

Was misinterpreted as romantic by the college girl mentality.

Was there somebody in your room when I called you?

Watch the road! You'll total the car!

We can't have this discussion all the time. The country makes me nervous.

We could show you the old neighborhood. That'd be fun for you.

We do the show live in front of an audience.

We had a saying, "Those who can't do, teach...

We move to sunny L.A. All of show business is out there.

We really had a good time.

We saw Grand Illusion here last night.

We saw the Fellini film last Tuesday. It is not one of his best.

We should just turn out the lights and play hide the "salam" or something.

We use a large vibrating egg.

We went to the swap meet.

We were walking off the tennis court. He was there and me and his wife.

We'll digest our food better.

We'll kiss now and get it over with, and then we'll go eat. Okay?

We're going back to the Pierre...

We're not having an affair. He's married. He happens to think I'm neat.

We're probably listed in The Guiness Book of World Records.

We've got to try and enjoy ourselves while we're here! Huh?

Well, I do commercials, sort of.

Well, I guess that's, now, how I feel about relationships.

Well, I would like to take a serious photography course.

Well, if it's inconvenient, that's fine, too.

Well, Sadie met Grammy through Grammy's brother, George.

Well, terrible, huh? Wouldn't you say?

Well, thank you again.

Well, then I'm going to come out there and get you.

Well! Well...

Well.

Well. Oh, well!

Were you always funny?

Were you depressed about that?

What a jerk.

What are you doing?

What are you making such a big deal about?

What are you sad about? Did you want me to capture and rehabilitate 'em?

What are you saying now?

What are you telling me? They'll laugh at him a few minutes.

What d'you think we were going to do, take him to the movies?

What did you do, grow up in a Norman Rockwell painting? Your grammy?

What difference does that make?

What do you do when you get stuck on a movie line with a guy like this?

What do you mean "next"?

What do you mean "our sexual problem"?

What do you mean, "a tad restless"? My God, they hated me!

What do you mean, where am I? Where do you think I am?

What do you mean? I flew 3,000 miles to see you.

What do you mean? It's perfectly fine out here.

What do you mean? You're not going to give up your own apartment, are you?

What do you think? Should we go to that party in South Hampton?

What do you want? It was my first play.

What does that mean? I don't know what that is.

What Eisenhower's been doing to the country for the last eight years.

What good memories, your mother and father fighting all the time?

What if we go away this weekend?

What is fascinating is that it's physical.

What is so great about New York?

What is that thing where you fall asleep in the middle of a sentence?

What is that your business? He stopped doing his homework!

What is this? Did you go to a rock concert?

What is this? Is this a present? Are you kidding?

What kind of emergency?

What sins? I don't understand.

What will I do with this, eh?"

What, is that such a miracle? I'm driving myself.

What?

What's so great about New York? It's a dying city. You read Death in Venice.

What's the difference, anyway?

What's the difference? It's all mental masturbation.

What's the matter?

What's the matter?

What's the matter? Are you all right?

What's the matter? Are you expecting termites?

What's the matter? You want to go to that party?

What's your name?

When I met her, she was dragging him in to see The Sorrow and the Pity...

When my mother took me to see Snow White...

When she was younger, they all wanted to marry Tessie.

Where am I? I have to reorient myself.

Where six people were rushed to the hospital with bad vibes.

Where the only cultural advantage is you can make a right turn on a red light.

Wherever you want to meet. I don't care.

Which I counted as a personal triumph.

While you're out here, I want you to see my TV show.

Who are those photos on the wall?

Who are you?

Who cares?

Who said that?

Who used expressions like "la de dah"...

Who wanders into a cafeteria with a shopping bag, screaming about socialism.

Who? Grammy Hall?

Who's interested in Mozart, James Joyce and sodomy."

Why couldn't you have been more like Donald?

Why did I turn off Allison Portchnik?

Why do I need this?

Why do you bring that up? Because I encourage you to take adult education?

Why don't we get Rob, and the three of us would drive into Brooklyn?

Why don't you go out with other women?

Why not?

Why not?

Why not? Because we're just going to go home later.

Why not? You're always leaning on me to improve myself.

Why should I put you through all my moods and hang ups anyway?

Why, you want to live out here? It's like living in Munchkinland.

Why? I was just expressing a healthy sexual curiosity.

Why? It's a good name for you. Max, you see conspiracies in everything.

Will you relax, please? They're going to love you.

With mayonnaise, tomatoes and lettuce.

With the surgical masks on, muttering.

With your wife, in bed, does she need some kind of artificial stimulation...

Wonderful. Get William F. Buckley to kill the spider.

Would you like a glass of chocolate milk?

Would you like a lift?

Yeah, I sort of dabble around, you know.

Yeah, I'd love it.

Yeah, my grammy.

Yeah, occasionally.

Yeah, right. And over there's Grammy Hall.

Yeah, they were a terrific audience.

Yeah, yeah. Hey, kid, he tells me you're really good.

Yeah? Allison what?

Yeah? Allison what?

Yeah.

Yeah. Forget it.

Yeah. I had the feeling I got you at a bad moment.

Yeah. That's good. Thanks. Thanks a lot. Well.

Yes, of course I'm mad, because you love me. I know that.

Yes. I'm making excellent progress.

You

You act like you're violating a moral issue.

You all right? You want to lie down?

You always only saw the worst in people.

You are in a bad mood. You must be getting your period.

You are unbelievably sexy. Yes, you are.

You can always remember my name. Just think of Joey Five Cents.

You can stay here. Use the whole wing in this house.

You catch Dylan?

You certainly get excited.

You cried. I've never once cried. That's fantastic to me.

You didn't read Death in Venice until I bought it for you.

You didn't read Death in Venice until I gave it to you.

You don't know what you're talking about.

You don't say!

You don't think I'm smart enough to be serious about.

You don't think I'm smart enough. We had that argument last month...

You don't want to go to the party. What do you want to do?

You folks look wonderful from here

You followed me. I can't believe it!

You get the feeling he's not absolutely sure what it is he wants to say.

You got me here at 3:00 a.m. 'Cause a spider's in the bathroom?

You got the Manson family, possibly. You got Dick and Perry.

You have a car?

You have a raccoon?

You have my body.

You have no fever, no symptoms of anything serious.

You have to be artificially relaxed before we can go to bed?

You keep bringing it up, but I don't want to live in a city...

You knew I wanted this. God, it's terrific!

You know Alvy? This is Janet.

You know how I am about insects. I can't sleep with that thing crawling around.

You know how wonderful you are.

You know how you're always trying to get things to come out perfect in art...

You know nothing of my work. You mean my whole fallacy is wrong.

You know something else? You're so egocentric that...

You know that you're on right after Chris Brown, in about 20 minutes.

You know the ethics those guys have. It's a notch underneath child molester.

You know they're going to tell you their stories, you're going to fall down.

You know what a hostile gesture that is to me?

You know what the beauty part is? We can always come back together again.

You know what you are? You're polymorphously perverse.

You know what? I like you, I really do.

You know what? I think I'm starting to get more of the references, too.

You know who the original owners were? Nelson Eddy then Legs Diamond.

You know, I've got to get there and begin whining soon.

You look like a very happy couple.

You look pretty.

You look pretty.

You make fun of me, but I'm prepared for anything.

You meet a lot of interesting professors. It's stimulating.

You never could get along with anyone in school.

You never said Sinatra had glasses. Are you saying I'm suffocating you?

You only give me books with the word "death" in the title.

You say "You play well," and right away I have to say, "You play well."

You see an analyst?

You should have told me it was Tony Lacey's party.

You should know this about me if we're going to go out.

You sound terrible.

You stopped smoking 16 years ago. Is that what you said?

You think I talked you into something.

You want a lift?

You want them to close the airport so we can have sex?

You want to get coffee for two hours?

You want to throw up.

You want to watch the road? You're not from New York, right?

You want your tennis stuff? You want your gear?

You wanted to break up just as much as I do.

You wanted to keep the relationship flexible, remember? It's your phrase.

You were always out of step with the world.

You were great.

You were sensational.

You were sensational.

You wouldn't know it. It doesn't matter.

You wrote your name in all my books, 'cause you knew this day would come.

You? You kidding?

You're a little hostile, you know that?

You're a thinking person. How can you choose this lifestyle?

You're a total paranoid.

You're a wonderful tennis player...

You're Alvy Singer, right? Didn't we meet at EST?

You're an actor. You should be doing Shakespeare in the park.

You're exceptional in bed...

You're going to like nightclubs. They're really a lot of fun.

You're going to sing? You sing? No kidding!

You're having an affair with your college professor!

You're incapable of enjoying life. You know that?

You're like New York *******, left wing, intellectual...

You're like New York. You're an island.

You're like this island unto yourself.

You're lucky. Where I used to live is now a pornographic equipment store.

You're mad, aren't you?

You're not going to come back to New York?

You're on Johnny Carson, right?

You're on right after this act.

You're really Alvy Singer, the TV star?

You're such a clown.

You're the reason I got out of my room, that I was able to sing...

You're trying to suffocate yourself. It makes perfect sense.

You're upset. You must be getting your period.

You're used to the kind with shopping bags walking through Central Park...

You're using this conspiracy theory as an excuse to avoid sex with me.

You're very lucky to be miserable.

You're very popular, I can see.

You're what Grammy Hall would call "a real Jew."

You've been married before. You know how things can get.

You've got crickets. It's quiet. There's no place to walk after dinner.

You've had hostility towards David ever since I mentioned him.

All right. So what do you want to do? I don't know. Go to another movie?

Alvy Singer over here! It's all right, fellas.

Alvy, don't panic! It's a mistake...

Alvy? What?

And that's Sadie. Who's Sadie?

Bad? Like Oswald in Ghosts.

But you have a nice apartment. I have a tiny apartment.

But you said "wife". No, I said "life".

Can I ask you, is this a sandwich? Oh, yeah.

Can I have your autograph? You don't want my autograph.

Chippewa Falls. Right.

Come on, you don't need that. What are you doing?

Damn siren! Don't get upset.

Do you taste for poisoned food? Yeah, he's great.

Do you think his girlfriend's pretty? She's great looking.

Do your body a favor. Try it. It'll be fun.

Don't go, please. What do you mean?

Duane and I went to the boat basin. We caulked hulls all day.

Earl Warren? Honey, I don't know Earl Warren.

Entomology is a rapidly growing field. You don't want me to live with you.

Get the hell out of this crazy city. Forget it.

Give me a break. This guy's on television.

Have you ever made love high? Me? No.

He was in the choir with you. Oh, yes.

He's my food taster. Have you two met? How do you do?

Heavy! Eaten by some squirrels. He was a terrific actor.

Here you go! Don't give it to me.

His wife has diabetes. Diabetes? Is that an excuse?

How is it any different? Because you keep your own apartment.

How much is this stuff? About $2,000 an ounce.

How often do you sleep together? Do you have sex often?

I can't wait to see the neighborhood. The neighborhood will be great.

I could get a lab man up here. Hand me the salt, please.

I don't? Whose idea was it? Mine.

I feel dizzy. Sit down.

I have some problems with... May I see your license, please?

I haven't finished my drink. Yes, Duane is. I'll be right...

I know. You have plague?

I look pretty. You always do. But that guy with you!

I love what you're wearing. You do? Yeah.

I met a big lumberjack. Jesus, this guy's pathetic.

I see, I guess. You never know what's going to happen.

I think she's giving me the eye. If she comes over, my brain will mush.

I think you're cute. Yeah? Do you?

I'd like to hit him on a gut level. Stop it.

I'll get you a piece. Listen. You drive?

I'm a Rosicrucian myself. Are you?

I'm exactly the same way. I see.

I'm going to have a stroke. Stop listening to him.

I'm going to quit. I'm not going to let you.

I'm in a bad mood. I'm here with the Godfather cast.

I'm in her acting class. You're an actress!

I'm interested. No, no. I'm just a...

I'm into garbage. It's my thing. This is a nice screening room.

I'm not making any progress. I can't win.

I'm Robert Redford. Come on!

If they're babies, you pick them up. All right! All right!

Is something wrong? No, why?

Is this a meeting of the teamsters? What program?

It can't be, because he's a comic. Yes.

It's disgusting. One more, please? One more.

It's not good for my... All right.

It's okay. No. They're laughing. I'd rather not.

It's pretty silly, isn't it? My grammy never gave gifts.

It's transplendent. I can think of another word.

Italian, right? Him? He's the Mafia.

Jesus. Where are you going?

Just for 15 years. 15 years?

Learn to deal with it. I'm dealing with two guys named Cheech.

Let's see The Sorrow and the Pity. We've seen it.

Listen, give me a kiss. Really?

Look up Uncle Billy, promise. He is adorable.

Max... Stop calling me Max.

Narcolepsy. Right.

No, Alvy, please? You can live without it once.

No, you said "wife". "Life!" I said "life".

No! Why don't you try it on? Yeah.

No. He goes with that girl over there. Where?

No. I'm doing my thesis. On what?

Not just. Not only. I'd say so. You married two of them.

Of course. But why?

Pick this lobster up. Hold it, please. You're going to take pictures now?

Portchnik? That's nice. Thank you.

She was going through my purse. They're persecuted enough.

She's the life of the ghetto no doubt. She was once a great beauty.

Stay here? Really. Why are you smiling?

Sure. Which way are you going? Me? Oh, downtown.

Thank you. Thank you.

That place is $400 a month? Yes, it is.

That's it! We've been through this.

That's not fair. I can't play too good.

That's sick. I know it's sick, but it's new.

The Grammys are tonight. The what?

The one with the VPL. VPL?

The universe is expanding. The universe is expanding?

Then how can you criticize it? He didn't say anything.

Then there was Jerry, the actor. Look at you.

There's no other way to diagnose him. This is not bad, actually.

There's no problem. Exactly.

They're laughed out. Do you feel all right?

This is Annie Hall. This is Alvy.

This is more like a present for you. It'll add ten years to our sex life.

This is my first time. Really? Where?

This is my room. Oh, yeah? It's terrific.

Two hours? No. I'm going in. Go ahead. Good bye.

Two minutes. We've blown it already.

Uri Geller must be on the premises. We're going to operate together.

We could show her the schoolyard. I was a great athlete. Tell her.

We fast. Fast?

We never have any fun anymore. How can you say that?

We never have any laughs anymore. I've been moody and dissatisfied.

We wanted to say we enjoyed your set. Yeah? Really?

What are you depressed about? I missed my therapy. I overslept.

What did I do? Step up here.

What did I do? You should be ashamed of yourself.

What do you mean, me? Yeah, you.

What do you mean? I mean, I thought I heard a voice.

What do you mean? Mean?

What? There's a big spider in the bathroom.

What'd the doctor say? I should come five times a week.

What's the matter? I got very dizzy.

What's the point? What's the universe got to do with it?

What's your definition of "following"? Following is different. I was spying.

What's your name? Allison.

When did you quit? Sixteen years ago.

Where is it? Don't do that. No, no, watch the road.

Where? Wisconsin.

Where's the spider? It's in the bathroom.

Who was? There was Dennis from high school.

Who's on television? This guy, on the Johnny Carson Show.

Who's playing with who here? You and me against them?

Whose Catcher in the Rye is this? If it has my name on it...

Why are you so hostile? I want to watch the Knicks on TV.

Will it change your wife? Will it change my life?

Yeah, I'm wrecked. You're wrecked.

Yeah! It's terrific. I never even took a lesson either.

You call your teacher David? It's his name.

You didn't say it couldn't be sick. Come on, Alvy.

You do? Come on. I was younger.

You do? Yeah.

You don't have to. But I'm all perspired and everything.

You fired the cleaning woman? She was stealing!

You got a broom or snow shovel? I left it at your house. I'm sorry.

You got a headache? I have a headache!

You have a great voice. Do you think so, really?

You haven't eaten pork or shellfish. Excuse me. I'm sorry, Doctor.

You never know who will crawl over. I know.

You never want to try anything new. How can you say that?

You play very well. Oh, yeah? So do you!

You said you were going downtown. Yeah, well...

You should've seen how I looked then. I can imagine. An astronaut's wife.

You take a meeting with him. All the good meetings are taken.

You want some gum? No, thanks.

You won't believe this, but... What?

You'll take them to the airport now? No. Duane can.

You're adult. You can pick up lobsters. I'm not myself since I quit smoking.

You're both crazy. They can't hear you.

You're crazy. No, I'm not.

You're pretty lucky I came along. Oh, really? La de dah!

Your birthday isn't until tomorrow. But it's real close.

Your first wife, Allison. She was nice.

Your girlfriend's name is Ralph? It's for my brother.

'cause I was trying to do to her...

'cause I'm not essentially a political comedian.

"But, cherie...

"Existential Motifs in Russian Literature". You're really close.

"Impeach Lyndon Johnson." "Impeach Ronald Reagan."

"Neat" went out at the turn of the century.

"Thirtyish academic wishes to meet woman...

"Why do you always reduce my animal urges to psychoanalytic categories,"...

15 years, huh? 15 years, yeah.