A little commitment.
A wake?
All it was is I was at a party and saw this badass girl
All right, get your moon rock!
All right, that's it
All right! Relax
All right?
All right. But if any of you motherfuckers steals my idea, I swear to God I will..
All the more reason for me to probably just go do the good night thing
All we got to do is ask them what they want.
And I've got some good news..
And my personal favorite, the flavor of truth
And organize a first ever cross dressing search party out to that island
And then I think that it's probably better if I just go back
And then that probably wouldn't work out on any level that I would want it to work out on..
And they always sing Rapper's Delight everywhere they go
And we can do anything Your fantasy
And which one are you?
And, look, Pony is great
ANNOUNCER: Good evening, friends.
Are you cop in a thong or a fireman in a thong?
Are you kidding?
Are you ready to meet a special kind of beast...
Are you serious?
Argh. Fuck! All right, fine. Guess I know what today is going to be like
Baby, you remind me of my jeep er
Back at you, Clitoria
Backstreet was the only legitimate boy band that ever came out of Florida, period
Basically, I'm just trying to avoid ending up on the pole
Be mine
Be present
Because every last one of you up in here is a queen and don't you ever forget it!
Between your legs Loud and clear
But I do know this. You better be ready to follow my ass down the rabbit hole
But I'd say I know what happens on that island, and that's just..
But tomorrow we start the pilgrimage to Myrtle Beach for the convention
But you never know
CHORUS: Tell me why Ain't nothin' but a heartache
CHORUS: Tell me why Ain't nothin' but a heartache
Clitoria Labia is her name
Come and jump on it
Come on now. Young and old, hot and cold, get your ass on this stage.
Come on, girl
Come on, man
Condomints
Cool.
Crumpled up, coke dusted $100 bills..
Dearly beloved...
Did you, uh, bangee?
Does that mean you are gonna be on the pole or not? Because...
Don't be shy. That's a beautiful name.
Don't look at me. Look out into the ocean
Don't say his name, man. Don't give it that power
Don't worry. You're going to be well taken care of, I promise.
Dude, I'm 35 years old. If it hasn't happened already, it ain't gonna happen
Ernie is an artist. He's a painter.
Every time a chick gets a look at it, she's like:
Exactly. You didn't pick it, so it's not on the inside
Fantastic. I love the enthusiasm
Flip that ass over like we in gymnastics...
For some of y'all budding queens hiding out there in the shadows
For the best amateur queen here in Jacksonville!
Found your number on Google. Hope it's the right one
Fucking China. Some d bag investor offered Dallas a whole bunch of money..
Fucking mobile. You know, low overhead, high revenue shit
Girl I got a sweet tooth Ain't nothin' sweeter than you
Girl, give it to me
Give her some encouragement, queens. Come on, let's not hate.
Go ahead girl, don't you stop
Good show
Good work on that, by the way
Gotta be compatible
Grinding those snow cones at the Northdale Mall
Had a chance to have our moment.
Happy to be running my own show for once
Have a little bit of cold with a little bit of hot.
He just said you exhibited pussy like behavior
He'll need to stay here for 48 hours of observation. He's in here.
He's not going to come unless we really get his attention
Heh. Are you serious? Come on
Her name is..
Hey, I forgot to ask, you still with Mercedes?
Hey, if you want that karma, go for it
Hey, Richie, don't worry about it. I got something for you, top secret
Hey, you guys remember the last time we were in this club..
Hold this.
Hopefully it'll spread through social media, but...
Hot, hot, hot
How about a blowjob or handjob?
How about this? Let's do a little therapy session. Old school therapy session
How's that work without Dallas?
I can say his name. He's not fucking Voldemort
I could do that
I don't know
I don't know, man. It's been a long time
I don't need a favor from you
I don't need a hall pass, just somebody to tell me this isn't a terrible idea
I don't want a fucking shake
I get it all the time at the minimart. I'm sorry.
I got an inner drag queen too.
I got it. Get the picture? I'm running out
I got the king for you, ladies.
I had the house, the dog, Downton Abbey on the weekends
I have..
I haven't come up with a name for it. I figure..
I haven't had actual sex in almost five months
I haven't talked to you for eight years since you walked out.
I hear you, man
I introduce to you our candy king.
I just thought it..
I kill the pussy, dig a Grave
I know an M.C. in Savannah
I love to lick the middle like an Oreo Turn it up
I met a photographer in Miami at this party I was working at.
I only had seven minutes left on it, man. Here. Have a shake
I read energy in my work, and yours is...
I think she likes you, Mike
I think you mean two. You're fucking Algerian, bro
I think you should bring back Pony, bro
I told her put it in my face
I wanna bite it and get inside it Till I get you gone
I wanna know How does
I wanna talk back to her Make love to her
I want to fuck you like an animal
I was... I would think to myself, I'd be set if I could just get to where Ken was
I'd probably still do this on the side.
I'll be your M.C. tonight.
I'll have a ring and everything, and I'll propose to her, and people throw rice
I'll see you downstairs in a minute, okay?
I'm a private in your parts I'm at duty
I'm coming in at the eleventh hour, and I don't want to step on toes
I'm going to start hiding the kitchen knives in a minute.
I'm gon' make you feel it
I'm gon' make you feel it..
I'm gon' make you feel it...
I'm gonna go dig it for you, Alice. Let's see how far you're really willing to go
I'm happy you finally got what you wanted
I'm jealous
I'm just saying that cowboys and firemen dancing to '80s rock is not not lame
I'm kissing you Running my fingers through your hair
I'm making artisanal probiotic froyo. I serve it out of this side
I'm not going through a guy phase anyway
I'm so over these contractors nickel and diming our margins all day
I'm still pretty
I'm talking out of body, baby
If he doesn't, then y'all have a serious problem.
If I'm going down, I'm going down in a fucking tsunami of dollar bills!
If this really is our last ride, what if we make up some new shit and go out with a bang?
If you're gonna be here, be here
If you're horny, let's do it
Imagine this. A small, little rectangle
Is it the look in your eyes
Is Megan here?
It just can't be right now
It was nice to meet you, though, Dolly Titz
It's crazy, right? We'll keep your feet loose and satisfy your sweet tooth
It's going down, turn around Let me feel yo booty
It's like a blessing and a curse at the same time, huh?
It's like Oprah said: When someone shows you themselves, believe them
It's not about being a dancer, Richie. It's not
It's us, bro
Jesus fuck
Julie, man! The barely legal paralegal
Just basking in the glory of our good fortune
Just burn this shit down with some new routines
Just once if I have the chance
Justin was in 'N Sync. Kevin Richardson came back to Backstreet in 2012
Keep going till you hit the spot
KEN: What are you talking about?
KEN: What in the hell are you doing here?
Kiwi olive oil with freeze dried basil, Crème Brûlée
Let me just throw something out. I completely understand that..
Let me show you What I'm talking about, baby
Let's face it, I'm probably fucked
Like an Oreo
Like strangers without having a hello drink.
Like you
Look, I know it's been a while..
Look, I love you guys. This trip has been ridiculous and amazing.
Look, maybe it's like the glass slipper. You just need to find the right one
Macau
Make it rain! Amen!
MAN [SINGING]: Here we are all alone
MAN 3: Am I your fire
Man, I hope so. I hope I can keep it afloat. Because nothing...
Maybe..
Mike, come on, man
Mike, that's what we've rehearsed
MIKE: All right, let's cut this, then sand it and stain it
MIKE: CEO of my own company. I take vacations when I want them
MIKE: I was thinking about doing it again and then I punked out
MIKE: Oh. That's romantic
MIKE: Okay, I'll be present
MIKE: What you gonna do after this weekend?
MIKE: Y'all got room for one more on this motherfucker?
MIKE: You can find it, man
MIKE: You feel better?
Mmm.
Mom, they're male strippers.
Morning, gentlemen.
Mrs. Davidson called ahead, upgraded your rooms and booked you our conference space.
My saddle's waiting
My whole existence is flawed
NANCY: Because I pissed away all of this on one man.
No fucking M.C. No fucking whip
No, fuck that shit. I woke up under a car in the parking lot
No, I don't fucking feel better. That was seriously fucked up
No, it wasn't. There are a lot better ways to handle that shit
No, it's just I know what happens for me on that island
No, no, no
No. Uh uh. No.
No. We agreed to try monogamy and..
No. Well, sometimes
Nobody messes with the mojo on the last ride, brother
Now, I am Miss Tori Snatch..
Of course, you're eating cake by yourself when...
Oh, come on with the hippie shit! It's in season. We're doing it
Oh, God
Oh, I see
Oh, my God, did you guys even sleep?
Oh, right. A stripper convention I keep hearing about
Oh, shit! Yes!
Oh. All right. On that note, uh, let's get this circus back on the road
Oh. Well, in that case, that makes things easier, because then..
Okay
Okay, if he's not dead, then where is he?
Okay, look. Pony, that wasn't a dance routine
Okay, point taken. Let me ask you a question, though. Um..
Okay. Good
Okay. I figured. Ha ha
Okay. Sorry. I think I actually hear it.
One hit and let's not talk about it anymore. I get it. You're mad that I left
One person of color?
One snowy white Ken doll for all those good little Christian women
Ooh. You're wonderful
Or I'll just load up on all those fantastic '80s hair bands for my drive instead
Oreo, Oreo, like an Oreo
Peeping your steelo
Put you in a coma, you're a sleeper
Really?
Relax. A bunch of orders just came in. The guys in the shop are freaking out
RICHIE: Fuck that. I woke him up last time
RICHIE: Laugh at my plight
RICHIE: What the fuck more do you need? Right?
RICHIE: Your condoms..
Ride it, my pony
Right. Then Tobias is gonna intro the solos. Listen..
Rome likes us to put our passion in our work.
ROME: Did you like that, ladies?
Seeing as you're not in a boy phase.
Send my headshot around, hope for the best
ShamWow us with your genius invention
She grab the wood like grippin' Grain
She like alcohol But you ain't here to hear me whine
She was with her boyfriend, and he did not look like he was hitting that shit right
She's the main bitch. She's like Cheetara and Grace Jones
Shit works.
Shit!
Show him your bangee
So don't act like we don't all have problems
So get the fuck on the van
So let me present to you...
So that song came on, and all I did was imagine what I would do to her
So, what's the plan about this thing?
Somebody in a distant land with the exact same thing can hear it
Sometimes you just want somebody to ask you what you want and just...
Started a new show overseas
Stop being a pussy. Let's go
Sweating while you callin' me daddy
Take over South Beach, then the entire East Coast.
Takes me to my limits
TARZAN: And that conversation just happened
TARZAN: Nice entrance
Tell everybody what you're really gonna be doing come Monday morning
Tell me why Ain't nothin' but a mistake
Thank you for your hospitality, ma'am
That can bring all the beauty out in you?
That happened to be his house when his wife was away?
That makes me feel like a warmonger with everything going on politically right now
That shit was dope
That was beautiful, baby, as always. Just beautiful
That was it. That was all Pony ever was.
That was spiritual, man
That's actually a pretty good idea
That's all it is, bro. Fucking hater
That's how you get flush in the food industry
That's our pulse.
That's the farthest thing from what I said. I said I would want to go..
That's the Mikey I remember!
That's the ticket, Miss Thing
That's toasted marshmallow tangerine
That's totally going to work. Do it just like that
That's... Okay
That's... That's usually what happens when I pee on the beach
The point is, we still got two freak shows, one who can barely dance.
The whole thing's like a healthy, mobile block party
Then I go out in the crowd and find myself a real fucking bride
Then I got Tarzan to paint it up all sick Picasso style
Then we'll hit them with the old 4th of July Army routine
There is no fucking universe in which I am not doing that fireman routine!
There is something we simply can't give.
There's a casting director comes by the club sometimes, so..
There's no wake here
They're at every single Circle K and 7 Eleven across Florida
They're staying in Charleston tonight, so..
This is what you came here for.
This thing's fucking crazy.
TITO: Ken, you got that Endless Summer Spray Tan Mix?
TITO: Show them how it's done, Mikey!
TITO: That's the plan
TITO: Tiger's out
TITO: Well, you see..
TITO: What? Ha ha
To tell you the truth, I haven't felt this nervous since Desert Storm.
Tobias is going to M.C
Tobias spins out of the other.
Tobias, we're going to Mad Mary's
TOBIAS: Hey, Mikey! What do you think of the truck, bro?
TOBIAS: Hey, what's with this fucking suit, bro?
TOBIAS: What are you, 12? Just take it
TOBIAS: What's up, bro? A little, uh, breakfast of champions?
Today, you are looking at it, brother
Uh..
Uh...
Uh... I don't know. We're about to expand and get a retail spot.
Until I, uh, went to work with Dallas. Yeah.
Until we get the funds to do what we really need
VOICEMAlL: Hey, pal, it's Tarzan.
Wait, your girl gave you a hall pass?
Watch it blow
We can do it anywhere
We can't do that. We got two days
We can't let the train stop here
We do have an M.C.
We got it all planned out. Tobias will warm up the crowd..
We got to get on the road
We had a couple drinks and were like, He's got the girl and the job, and..
We just do it on the way up to Myrtle Beach every year
We need a couple more reliable accounts before I can get a policy for you
We say shit all the fucking time, but you went and did it
We were going to invite you, but..
We were young and wild and free
Welcome back, brother
Well, at least the shit I'm working on can go global
Well, fret not, Casanova. You're safe with me
Well, I don't know. Somebody told me this was a wake
Well, just so you know, my name is Rome.
Well, that's my daughter. Always making new friends!
What about you? Did you bangee?
What am I supposed to do? I should chuck your big ass right off this truck
What are the two most important things you need to take..
What are you even doing?
What are you talking about? Why do you think I came?
What do you say?
What do you think? You said, Seize the day. I ain't missing this shit
What is a good woman?
What was the girl with the black hair's name?
What's up?
Whatever it is, it's fabulous. Put marshmallow in my pants right now
When I came back, someone wouldn't let me in the house
When we were in college and falling in love...
Which what?
White Shadow, meet Mikey
Who are you?
Who cares, baby
Who wants to see if Tarzan died in his sleep last night?
Why don't you come sit right here? Come on
Why don't you enlighten us, Constant Gardener?
Why you got to point at the Mexican when you say steals?
WOMAN [OVER RADIO]: You're listening to the Golden Age of Hip Hop. Only on Spotify
WOMAN: All right, Hypnotize
WOMAN: Are you Native American, Tito?
WOMAN: There you go, that's it. That's perfect
Would you mind sitting for me right here?
Y'all know that was my audition song. Yeah, it was one of them.
Yeah, Dallas
Yeah, I hit you like what you sayin'
Yeah, I know you're still pretty, but..
Yeah, I'm real set here
Yeah, liquid acid. That'll take you back to the original self.
Yeah, please enlighten me. I have to know what this piece of genius is.
Yeah, well, that's just market research, bitch
Yeah! This is like when Justin came back to Backstreet
Yeah! Whoo!
Yeah. Actually, I did
Yeah. Yes, uh, is the answer, but..
Yep, it's the infamous convention
Yes, I know it's too late
Yo, get outta here. Go have dinner with your family. I can do this
Yo.
You do it well, that hide and seek, that don't go tell...
You don't fucking remember that
You get me closer to God
You got off work?
You guys still haven't told me what the fuck y'all are doing in Tampa
You hear that? But you know what?
You hold it up to your ear, you speak into it..
You kidding me?
You know I do, brother. First thing I packed
You know Mercedes. That shit lasted for about two seconds
You know what is lame? Looking like a bag of dicks because we don't have our act straight
You know who does? People who actually have musical taste
You know, it's always the pretty ones, like Bundy
You know, Mike, when I called you...
You know, past those closed doors don't you get tired of everybody trying to tell you...
You let me complicate you
You look good, Mike
You need to hop up off this truck right now.
You really think it's going to work? You think I can pull this off?
You sound just like my ex
You wonder how I'm the best And how I can do all this with my mouth?
You zoom in, you find the shit you can't catch in the mirror
You're destroying sea turtle biosphere with that urine
You're going to have to pay to see that. That's what I am
You're still doing the fireman routine, right?
...I did the best I could. Ha ha ha.
...the technical term is male entertainer. NANCY: Oh, my.
A real one? Yes, a real fireman
Alcohol. Alcohol.
And I..
Are we doing this passive aggressive shit? That's what she said
Are you kidding? Stop being a pussy
Armenian, asshole. Oh, yeah, Armenian
Buy another one, you rich motherfucker. Turn the truck around
Can I help you? Hi. I'm here for the wake
Come on! Just don't hit me in the nuts. Stupid
Do you like that song? Crushes.
Dolly Tits? With a Z
Don't say that. Why? Fuck it.
Get up. We'll get this out in one swing
Good morning. Hi.
Ha ha ha. Fuck, I'm sorry
Heh. ...and we can just cash in
Hell, yeah! Oh, shit
Hey, fellas! Catch and release! No, no, no!
How do you like that, bitch? Oh, I welcome it
How you doing, queen? Good.
I am
I am one, so I seek out my people. Heh
I appreciate that. You just made that up on the spot.
I don't see your point
I think my soul just died a little bit. TITO: I love you, Ernie
I'm not trying to tell you..
It sounds fucking complex. No, it's not
It's like a real wedding except like a fantasy
It's not bad
Just, uh, friends of Megan. Ah.
KEN: Pack the pump? RICHIE: I brought one for you too
Make her day. Be yourself. Show that big beautiful heart.
MIKE: Fuck! KEN: What the hell happened?
MIKE: Oh, that's right. TITO: One last fucking ride, baby
MIKE: You gotta sell this. TITO: Tip of the iceberg, baby. We got..
Mikey Lane, White Shadow. Yeah, we've met
Mostly. Of course, on the inside
NANCY: Well, cheers! All right. Cheers.
No
No, if anybody was jealous, it was me
No, man. It's no problem. Come on, it's fine. Seriously
Oh, fuck! And I do everything with her!
Oh! RICHIE: Shit!
Oh. Really? Yeah
Okay. Yeah. Uh..
Seize the day
Thanks for the ride. No problem.
That wasn't my phone. It was mine
That's gold, right? MIKE: This is amazing!
That's nice, man. MIKE: Yeah, dude, I'm just..
That's not passive aggressive. Let's make it aggressive
They always come back. Mm hm.
They didn't sign the nondisclosure. TORI: Sorry about it
They're throwing rice! KEN: Rice out of our pants!
TITO: Hey. WOMEN: Hi.
TITO: How's the old girl? MIKE: She's good, man. Yeah, I mean..
Wait, what? I'm sorry, what? TITO: Yeah
We're on a mission. Fuck, yeah.
What am I eating right now? TITO: You like that, Mike?
What's up, buddy? TARZAN: Hey, bro
Where you going? Where you headed? Uh..
Win or die, stripper guy. Uh, I say that..
WOMAN: That's protected land, sir! Yo
WOMAN: What is this? It's really good
Wow. Where? TITO: Macaw
Yeah? I got it. Go home
Yeah? Yeah
Yeah. Wow. Okay
Yes, ma'am. All right
Yes, thank you. There we go. I'm done. That's it
Yo, let's go. Yup
Yo! What the fuck are you doing? iPhone went Bye, phone!
You are one? You are one? Mm hm. On the inside
You can find us a spot. You've not been dancing. Look at you.
You can get it..
You dropped your towel. Yeah, just go with it, baby.
You know it
You love drag queens. Ha ha ha. Yep
You still doing it to that KISS song? Fuck, yeah. Hotter Than Hell
You think I'm gonna hook up with you. Mm. That's not at all what I said
[50 CENT'S CANDY SHOP PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
[ALL CHEERING]
[ALL CHEERING]
[ALL CHEERING]
[ALL CHEERING]
[ALL CHEERING]
[ALL CHEERING]
[ALL CHEERING]
[ALL CHEERING]
[ALL CHEERING]
[ALL GROANING]
[ALL LAUGHING]
[ALL LAUGHING]
[ALL LAUGHING]
[ALL YELLING INDISTINCTLY]
[ALL YELLING INDISTINCTLY]
[BANDO JONEZ'S SEX YOU PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
[BOTH SING] For that extra clean!
[CELL PHONE DINGS]
[CHUCKLING] What? Really?
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
[GIGGLING]
[GINUWINE'S PONY PLAYING OVER RADIO]
[GRUNTING]
[GULLS SQUAWKING]
[HOST CHUCKLES]
[IMITATING DALLAS] All right, all right, all right!
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]
[INDSSTINCT CHATTER]
[INDSSTINCT CHATTER]
[INDSSTINCT YELLING]
[JEREMIH'S ALL THE TIME PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
[LAUGHING]
[LAUGHS]
[LAUGHS]
[LAUGHTER]
[LAUGHTER]
[MAN RAPPING OVER SPEAKERS]
[MIKE COUGHING]
[MOANS]
[MUTTERS]
[OZZY OSBOURNE'S CRAZY TRAIN PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
[PANTING] How much for the Cheetos and water?
[RAPPING] Young Caroline Give a ****a half your time
[ROME CHUCKLES]
[SIGHING] Yeah.
[SINGING] Hot, hot, hot, hot
[TARZAN SNORING]
[TITO LAUGHS]
[TORI SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
[URINE TRICKLING]
[WHISPERING] Did you bangee?
