Roseanne (2018) - Season 1 Edit

A baby what?

A boy.

A really famous one,

A sense of humor.

A time when the newborn might have been in distress?

About how mothers who don't use drugs during childbirth

About the exchange student in my school,

About the other person.

About wearing that outfit to school, right?

About your family's medical history.

Ahhh! And the crowd goes wild!

All I want is a down payment on a house

All of your relatives died from alcoholism.

All right, second day of school.

All the bathrooms were ocupado,

All you suckers got promised?

All's you got to do is open up your Uber app

Alright, well, let's hope he continues to be lucky.

Also, remember...

And a dentist who doesn't work out of his van...

And all our troops still overseas.

And answer a bunch of questions first.

And as such, I respect the powerful process

And brings the world to the brink

And by the way, I look 33.

And by the way, you didn't have any problem

And clinging to your guns.

And dance in front of a mirror

And described them instead.

And don't be embarrassed.

And don't think that's a deterrent

And driving her to the doctor?

And dump 'em in the lake.

And feel so stupid that I choked,

And for bringing our son, D.J., home safe from Syria.

And frankly, wherever this lands with Mark, I'm fine with it.

And he said you gave it to him.

And he was going to tell everyone I was a girl bot

And he's just starting school here today,

And how everything was rigged,

And how I wasn't seeing the big picture

And I can be as stubborn as you are.

And I can do whatever I want.

And I can see why you picked me.

And I can't remember where we hid our gun.

And I guess I didn't mean to imply

And I never said you were stupid.

And I should have understood that, you know,

And I think you can handle it.

And I told her I was 33,

And I voted for Jill Stein!

And I'll sweeten the pot

And I'll tell you how this whole thing's gonna end.

And I'm gonna end up in jail

And if I want to eat a marshmallow chicken

And if you don't,

And if you need anybody to talk to,

And in the meantime, you just find the other weird kids

And it's surgin' 'cause I know you really need a ride.

And making a big deal.

And no, I'm not.

And now she's just ridiculous.

And pretend I get you proper medical care.

And request me.

And she's paying me... $50,000.

And tell Miss Rogers that you love Bananarama.

And then I go into the booth

And then the healthiest one

And then the infamous clothing industrial complex

And they all say to let him just be who he is

And they continue to lead crime free lives.

And we should all be ourselves, but if things get rough,

And we're planning a totally natural birth

And you better give me some credit

And you get them to question

And you gotta be honest with me.

And you hide amongst them.

And you know what?

And you're talking about helping her out

And, by the way, Darlene,

And, by the way, I'm about to have a baby

And, I mean, that's... That's all I really care about.

And, uh, this is my grandson, Mark,

And, um, I am Lanford's leading life coach,

And, yeah, I admit, I was happy he liked it.

And, you know, Mom, I know you and Aunt Jackie

And... you...?

Andrea

Andrea, this is my older sister, Darlene.

Anybody to drive you to appointments,

Anybody want to know what I think?

Anyway, please just don't tell Becky and D.J. about this.

Are mad at each other,

Are you out of your damn mind?

As a life coach,

As she gets older, you might want to drift away.

Ask Mr. Skinner about the Cubs,

At least I'm taking care of myself.

Aunt Jackie thinks every girl

Aw, you look great, buddy

Because girls can be whatever they want to be.

Because I realized I'm old

Because it's embarrassing.

Because we already came to terms with the fact

Becky, I know you've had a hard time

Becky, you might not want to see this baby,

BECKY: Hey, everybody.

Becky's about to make a horrible mistake,

Before I put my makeup on. [CHUCKLES]

Before the 1900s,

Being away from you this past year

Besides, it was kind of nice out there.

Blueberry waffles with real maple syrup.

Bottom heavy white wino.

Bottom heavy white wino.

Boys who like sewing,

But he's gotta wear underwear.

But he's gotta wear underwear.

But here's the thing...

But I can still taste the adrenaline.

But I just can't get used to Darlene and her kids

But I want to talk to you first.

But I would rather be alone

But I'm pretty sure she's stark, raving...

But I'm sure we can knock off a few of the greatest hits.

But if you care about his safety,

But most of all, Lord...

But Roseanne just found out

But she was a real jerk about it, too.

But someone did call me "ma'am," so that was great.

But that's like selling off one of our grandkids.

But this feud is getting way out of control

But we almost lost our house, the way things are going.

But we will

But we'll back you up.

But you're dreaming

But you're growing up,

But, uh, Aunt Jackie's picking me up.

But, you know,

But...

By the time the bullies make their way through to you,

By throwing in a couple of blood pressures.

Can I have some money?

Can one of you guys take Mark?

Can you believe the way she put us both on the spot like that?

Can you pick one and act like that?

Cereal, you say?

Come on, Darlene,

Come on, Mom. I don't want to be late

Come on, Mom. I don't want to be late.

Come on. Andrea's coming over tomorrow.

Come on. I made plans with my one potential friend.

Could you please put away anything

Dad and Mom aren't taking their medication.

Dad, will you tell her how stupid she's being?

Dad... Mom needs to chill.

Daddy, is that how you have a baby?

Dan and me don't want her to be a surrogate!

Dan, it's her body, her decision.

Dan, you owe me $200,000.

Dan!

Dan!

Darlene says just ignore it.

Darlene, God did not give me

Darlene, you talked to Mark

DARLENE: Are you sure you want her to come here?

DARLENE: Hey, everybody,

Darlene... you're his mom.

Dear Lord, thank you for this food

Decided that pink was for girls and blue was for boys

Did you get the anti depressants?

Did you get the pain pills for my bad knee?

Did you remember to measure your blood sugar this morning?

Do you mind if I talk to the class for a minute?

Do you need a hug or anything?

Do you think I could warm them up

Do you?

Do you...

Doesn't mean we have to give up,

Don't be mean to your sister.

Don't get your hopes up.

Don't have a yard sale in your uterus

Don't worry. You're not gonna get in trouble.

Even if they're a "liar, liar, pantsuit on fire."

Every one of you wrapping yourselves up in the flag

Everything's fun when you're a kid.

Extra eggs?

Eyes up here.

Feel like you're a boy or a girl?

Fine.

First day at my old alma ma'.

First of all, I didn't know there were that many versions.

First, let's say grace.

Flying in... boom!

Followed by decades of unbearable pain

For five of your anti inflammatories,

For my breakfast, I think it's my damn business.

For you to get back on your feet,

For you to take home and review

Freak!

From Lanford is gonna do?

From what I remember

From what society has "assigned" to them.

Game over

Get close to nature,

Give it time

Go according to your birth plan?

Go...

Good. I think it's cool.

Got forwarded here from your old address.

Granny Rose already told everyone she's a witch.

Great, now our cold drinks

Gross. Why couldn't you wait?

Gross. Why couldn't you wait?

Grr!

Guess she thinks our house stinks

Guess what?

Ha ha. Funny story.

Ha! Watch and learn, boys.

Have any more trouble with that kid?

Have you looked at the news? 'Cause now things are worse.

He dribbles past the big man.

He fakes left.

He gets good grades, he's happy... for a Conner...

He goes up, up, up.

He got caught with a knife at school.

He just likes to wear clothes like that sometimes.

He said he'd shake things up!

He said I was weird,

He shoots. He scores!

He talked about jobs, Jackie!

He was definitely going to hurt me.

He wore stuff like that all the time in Chicago.

He'll be fine.

He'll get tired of it eventually. I like my clothes.

He's "exploring."

He's gonna get beat up, sure as hell

He's got a pocketknife now.

He's got to pretend to be someone he's not?

He's in the kitchen.

He's too young to like girls or boys yet,

He's washing his tail in the sink.

Hey, everybody.

Hey, I worked hard all my life,

Hey, Mom, I'm on my way to work.

Hey, you guys gotta go fight someplace else.

Hey!

Hey! Hey!

Hi, Andrea.

Hi, everybody.

Hi, Rebecca.

Hi. I'm her Aunt Jacqueline,

Hi. You must be, uh...

Hold up.

Hope you die!

How come you're always smiling?

How could you have voted for him, Roseanne?!

How dare you invite her here without asking me first.

How does this look?

How important is this to you?

How was your job interview?

How's school treating you?

I ain't seen that movie in 20 years.

I also have some questions about your genetic history,

I am not letting you ruin this for me.

I better go talk to him.

I brought salad

I can't do that working at the restaurant.

I can't even make my Maxwell House naked,

I could buy a new car,

I didn't need the routine.

I didn't tell him to bring it to school.

I didn't think it was that big of a deal, Darlene.

I didn't want to come home.

I don't care how long it takes to recover.

I don't get why he's wearing clothes like that to school.

I don't have time for this.

I don't have time to go to your school

I don't know if we got time for the full symphony of love,

I don't know, but it'll happen,

I don't know, Dad.

I don't know. Can I have some money?

I don't know. Can they?

I don't know. Mom, can I have some money?

I don't live here anymore

I don't need to be stressed out.

I don't want her to think obesity runs in our family.

I feel like it's kind of plain, like it needs something.

I got it at the hospital thrift store.

I got two kids, I got no partner,

I guess

I had to come home because this family's falling apart.

I had to pick up Mark from the principal's office today

I hate plastic bottles

I have a feeling today's gonna be

I have an announcement.

I have ways of finding out about it

I hope you don't mind.

I hope you like it, Becky,

I I thought I could buy a huge house...

I I'm not gonna raise him that way,

I invited her to dinner.

I just read an article

I just realized... We got kids in the house

I knew something bad was gonna happen.

I know how families can be.

I know it's only been a week,

I know you've all seen normal people.

I like colors that pop. It's more creative.

I like to light a few candles and put on some Prince

I like your nail polish, Grandpa.

I lost my job, okay?

I love the outfit.

I mean, [SCOFFS], look, M Mom and Jackie are fighting,

I mean, given the choice, who knows how many children

I mean, I get anxiety on international flights.

I mean, it is like looking in the mirror

I mean, look at us.

I mean, not only did she vote for the worst person on Earth,

I mean, remember we told her not to get married?

I mean, this might come as a complete shock to you,

I mean, you might as well suck the mercury out of a thermometer.

I miss the family...

I need to yell at Becky in here.

I need you to watch Mark. I've got a job interview today.

I put pants and a T shirt in your backpack,

I should have tried to understand

I start getting the shots to produce extra eggs.

I think he's gonna grow up and be a fashion designer.

I think I'm good.

I think this would be a wonderful opportunity

I think we know who's a liar and who's on fire, Roseanne

I think you guys are really gonna like Mark

I thought I'd be a huge success by now.

I thought it was gonna be more complicated

I thought you cared about our health.

I thought you were dead.

I told her I'm 33 and I'm the baby of the family.

I told you, I was just showing it off to a kid.

I want that for my kids. She was always fun.

I want to train cats to bark.

I was sleeping.

I was supposed to keep an eye on him?

I would've done that

I, uh, brought you some ionized water in glass bottles.

I'd like knowing I had an option.

I'll be back for dinner.

I'll be kidnapping my own grandkid,

I'll be out the garage.

I'll give you a ride to your job interview.

I'll take all the drugs you got.

I'll tell you what runs in our family...

I'll trade you five of my statins...

I'll wait 'til he has a couple of beers first

I'm 43..

I'm a white witch.

I'm going to use my life coaching degree...

I'm gonna be her surrogate.

I'm gonna go check on Mark.

I'm gonna miss him.

I'm guessing it wasn't for show and tell.

I'm guessing you're the one keeping this feud alive.

I'm having a baby.

I'm here for you.

I'm hoping it's a gateway to having pockets.

I'm not afraid of you.

I'm not gay.

I'm not letting Becky do this, Roseanne.

I'm not living at home with my parents.

I'm scared for him.

I'm sorry, Harris, but I I..

I'm sorry, I'm just not giving up.

I'm taking you to school,

I'm totally cool with girls who like basketball,

I'm weird. This whole family is really weird, right?

I've read a bunch of books about it,

If anybody has a problem with what you're wearing?

If I didn't do that,

If I don't get what's going on,

If I showed you pictures on my phone

If it's okay, I have some questions for you, too, Andrea.

If only you hadn't killed off

If she decides not to use me as a surrogate.

If there's one thing we learned about Becky

If you think he isn't in for a world of hurt.

If you want to tell everybody that you came home

If you're 33, can I be an astronaut?

If you're not happy, I have no chance of being happy.

If you've got spirit...

In her obituary.

In situations like this, we don't name call.

In the middle of the night.

In this family, if you get pregnant,

Is 'cause you're embalmed in Mike's Hard Lemonade.

Is anyone gonna mention the fact that she's like 50?

Is my skin age

Is the right thing to do

Is we can't tell her what to do

It appears to be doing

It got screwed by being born into this family,

It is so great to finally meet you!

It looks better than it tastes.

It looks like you're reading a magazine.

It works good enough to kick your ass, snowflake.

It's important.

It's my little princess!

It's nothing but animals getting beat and drunk clowns.

It's okay if you think it's fine

It's on the kitchen counter

It's standard stuff.

It's their problem.

It's to turn him into your version of a boy.

It's weird.

It's... It's Becky's call.

It's... It's fine. We're done.

Jackie, it is not my fault

Jackie, would you like to take a knee?

JACKIE: Knee still giving you trouble, Roseanne?

Jackie's right, Dan.

Journeys! Mm.

Just to make people have to buy more clothes.

Kinda scary talking to your old granny, huh?

Kudos to Darlene for letting Mark be himself.

Laugh at everything Miss Cunningham says,

Let me share some research

Let's try to survive it.

Like God intended.

Like, uh, T.J. Maxx or, um...

Listen, here's how you get through Lanford High.

Living in the house.

Look, she promised that she would get along, and knowing the both of you,

Mark, go up to your room.

Mark, why don't you find a seat.

Mark.

Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch tattoo?

May the winds fill his sails and carry him

Maybe put something down on a house.

Maybe things have changed over the last fifty years.

Maybe. Maybe not.

Mm, say no more.

Mm. I miss when you guys were at the same school

Mom, Aunt Jackie's standing right here,

Mom, if I do this, I can pay off my credit cards,

Mom!

Mom!

Mom.

More bondage and a wizard school.

More of a marathon than a sprint.

Morning, Grandpa.

Morning, Granny Rose.

Morning, lovebirds.

Morning, Mark.

Morning, son.

Mother, have you been keeping

Mrs. Conner, did all of your children's deliveries

My daughter's gay!

My grandson's nails are wet.

My husband, Richard, and I are just so grateful

My mom always makes me

My scathing commentary on their life

No

No mental illness

No one played with me.

No, go ahead.

No, I have to fill out some forms

No, I put it in the cleaning closet

No, I won't. I'm fine, Mom.

No, I'm merely pointing out, at your age,

No, it's not. That's this one.

No, it's okay, Darlene

No, she'd never get that close to a broom.

No, the birth part was easy.

No, the other thing.

No, you have to drive me.

No.

No. That was because their prices are so low.

Nope. He's got a peanut allergy,

Not gay!

Not on the real news!

Now I got to go take

Now, I have all the paperwork here

O Okay. All right, fine.

Of course you're gonna give me crap about this

Of glasses, retainers, and headgear,

Of nuclear apocalypse!

Off this table.

Oh, [SCOFFS], well, the pay was crap with no benefits,

Oh, and grown ups, too, you know?

Oh, come here.

Oh, come here. I got to fix your hair.

Oh, come on!

Oh, God, no! No, no, no.

Oh, good job, Dad.

Oh, I almost forgot. Don't go out for soccer.

Oh, I love plastic bottles

Oh, I love this game.

Oh, I see what you're doing, Becky

Oh, I've been off the force for years,

Oh, if you're worried about me, Andrea,

Oh, it's out of guilt.

Oh, like taking candy from a sweaty baby.

Oh, look it. It's potpourri.

Oh, look, Dan...

Oh, my God

Oh, my God.

Oh, no, it's fine. Really.

Oh, puh leeze!

Oh, she means were there any medical emergencies

Oh, she's gonna get the very best medical care,

Oh, so you're saying when he's out of the house,

Oh, that's such a stereotype.

Oh, the classics really do hold up.

Oh, trash that.

Oh, well, that is startling news.

Oh, well, then start walking.

Oh, well, you should've used your IQ, Becky.

Oh, you didn't have to make their lunch.

Oh, you sure? Do I need to frisk you?

Oh! Little man flying to the hoop!

Ohh! We have a family history?

Ohhh!

Okay, gotcha.

Okay, he doesn't have to wear pants,

Okay, I'm gonna ask you something kind of adult,

Okay, I'm just gonna do this as quickly as possible

Okay, sit down.

Okay, so no one was trying to hurt you or anything?

Okay, we've established you remember things.

Okay, you could be her friend for now, but, you know,

Okay, you guys have got to talk this out civilly.

Okay.

Okay. Next question.

Okay. You know, what do you want me to say?

One of your dad's blood pressure pills.

Ooh, my favorite... Drugs!

Or just to sit on my ass for two minutes

Or pushes you down or something?

Or senator or doctor or captain of industry

Or that Ross guy.

Our glorious heritage from us?

Our insurance don't cover what it used to,

Our mother was never formally diagnosed,

Please don't be like this tomorrow.

Please protect his wife, Geena,

Please watch over our son, Jerry,

Proved to me that I make good decisions on my own.

Ready to go!

Recover so much faster.

Remember we told her not to get that

Remember what I told you

Right after my checkup,

Right, and her body came out of my body,

Right, Roseanne?

Right?

ROSEANNE: Dan?

ROSEANNE: Oh, yeah.

Russian.

Say what now?

She didn't finish high school?

She got married

She got the tattoo.

She has questions about our family history.

She wants to meet you guys.

She was an important part of my childhood.

She win the war over there yet?

She's a hoot.

She's an old woman trying to have a baby.

She's going to be back in a little bit.

Shh!

Shhhh!

Should grow up and be president,

Shove over.

Shut up. I'm not letting you eat that pie

Since your husband died.

Six bucks.

Smoke by the river!

So I can take him out with a handful of trail mix.

So I got half the drugs for twice the price.

So I had to "urinado" behind the casa.

So I should probably meet your family.

So it's my choice.

So she didn't finish high school?

So that no one would want to play with me.

So you could keep an eye on him.

So you tell them how stupid they are all the time,

So, aren't you gonna say anything about the baby?

So, how are you gonna take care of Becky

So, I'm counting on you guys

So, I'm getting rid of the ones where you guys were fat.

So, I'm guessing

So, what's up with the girls' clothes?

So, you admit it?

So, you just gotta hang in there

Some doctor!

Some sort of cleaning ritual.

Sometimes he wants to wear a dress or a real fancy top.

Sorry, I know you're eating.

Still a good picture.

Stop it.

Tag me in.

Tell them to wait for me under the high voltage lines.

Than let you bully me again.

Thank you for making America great again!

Thank you for your salad.

Thank you for your service

Thank you, Aunt Jackie.

Thank you, Jacqueline.

Thank you.

Thank you. I love water.

Thanks, but I've been out of the Army for three months.

Thanks, Mom.

That Andrea's gonna eat Becky's placenta.

That arose?

That he plays dress up around the house,

That I just happen to be a charismatic person

That I teach all my many, many clients.

That I think might be pertinent.

That is such a huge violation.

That is why I came home.

That oughta do it.

That Rebecca's willing to go on this journey with us.

That tears America apart

That was to defend myself at home.

That would've been sweet.

That you were gay

That you're some right wing jackass

That'd be perfect.

That's drywall, son.

That's never worked out for me.

That's the great North American

That's what you said last time.

That's what you said last time.

That's when I decided to give it to him as a gift.

The field is under the high voltage power lines.

The gravitational pull of this house.

The kid is nine years old.

The most interesting character.

The musical?

The ones that didn't drink were killed by the ones who did.

The whole team from '85 is sterile.

Then so am I! I'm totally fine with gay.

Then we're gonna send that baby out into the world

There were 50 people in line ahead of me when I got there,

There were no colors associated with gender at all.

There you go. All you people go straight to the violence.

There'll be a pile so high

There's no waffles.

There's this girl who offers to dissect everybody's frogs.

There's this really nice woman who wants me to have her baby.

They caught you on a red light camera.

They don't do it like that.

They found their way out, if that's what you mean.

They'll never get over it.

They're all yours

They're dead people's clothes.

They're not taking care of me.

They're using your eggs?

They've all been meaning to try a pear

This big a head to hold a narrow mind.

This is my house!

This is my mother, Roseanne Conner.

This is so unfair

This is the first dinner together

This isn't about Becky's eggs anymore.

This just feels like me.

This might be a good time

This would have sold like hot cakes

Those are the only ones where we look happy!

Through this whole thing?

To grab a snack or go pee in the yard.

To have their own opinions about anything, can you?

To make the new kid feel welcome.

To model the behavior

To school every day

To take care of us, we'll back you up on that.

To the boy's section of Target

To watch you kill yourself slowly, eating old Easter candy

Tomorrow's the first day at my new school.

Tough kid.

Turns out you didn't totally ruin everything.

Uh, Agreement Form, Medical Release...

Uh, apparently, all that weight you lost

Uh, are you eating Peeps for breakfast?

Uh, does mental illness run in your family?

Uh, here's some dressing for the table.

Uh, I didn't quit my job and come home

Uh, she's ridiculous?

Uh, some of your mail

Uh, yeah, I'm good.

Uh, yeah, that's your fault.

Um, how's the missus?

Um, I just have a few questions

Um, so, are you gonna be there

Um...

Um... Andrea sent you a "thank you" gift.

Um... I'm Mrs. Conner,

Until people figure out that weird is cool.

Until such time said baby returns home to us to live...

Until the time the baby realizes

Until they make some enormous mistake

Wait a second. These teachers are probably all dead.

Wait, so you're... not nervous?

Was it about your clothes?

Was the good Roseanne.

Wave to the neighbors with my free hand.

We could be the same person.

We finally got our red dot on the sex offenders map.

We had 'em settled down real nice.

We respond with a positive affirmation

We'd never be able to cash a check anywhere.

We're gonna love the baby,

We're gonna raise the baby to believe that anything is possible,

We're not talking about gay!

We've had as a family in a long time.

Wearing men's boxers and an old fishing hat.

Welcome back.

Well, and she's my aunt.

Well, I didn't mean it.

Well, I don't want her selling off our grandkids, either, Dan,

Well, I finally got you alone.

Well, I'm keeping a lid on things out there,

Well, just 'cause they're up

Well, like it or not, I'm here to take care of you,

Well, like it or not, I'm here to take care of you,

Well, looky here

Well, she's dead to me.

Well, thanks for the pep talk.

Well, the important thing is that you voted.

Well, those people must've died from compliments.

Well, tradesies.

Well, we'll try harder next time.

Well, what did he say?

Well, what if that kid teases you again

Well, why didn't you just say that?

Well, you answered that pretty quick.

Well, you know it's gonna be rough on you at school, right?

Well, you must have put it someplace

Well, your mom's creative, so I get that,

Well..

Well...

What a disaster it would be if she got elected

What a loser.

What are we supposed to do?

What are you doing with my pictures?

What are you talking about?

What do you think a classroom full of 10 year olds

What happened to the rest of our candy?

What happened?

What has happened to you?

What idiot gave him a knife?