Eddie Murphy Raw (1987) Soundboard Edit

A burst of flame fly out my dick when I pee.

A look like he heard something at your show that he's never heard before.

A motherfucker is spinning the spinner and kicking my ass, Eddie.

A Slinky spring?! And, Eddie, I ate so many Slinkys,

A thing, a thing, a marvelous thing Everyone knows it's Slinky

After ltalians see Rocky, they come out the movie theater, they be like...

All men fuck other women.

All right, Sly!

All we have is Wonder Bread.

All we wanted was some respect. All we asked for was a little respect

All you have to do, you marry a man with $300 million,

And act real confused. And mumble:

And all the people, the bouncers, came

And another person knows about. All women.

And Brooke knew too.

And chastised me on the phone for being too dirty on stage.

And chop the peppers up in big chunks.

And her legs are like: Her titties are like:

And I ain't know what to do, so I scream for security.

And I cannot resist, because it's such a beautiful smile

And I ran in the house all excited to talk to Bill

And I said I ain't dancing. I went to clubs...

And I sat and listened to this man chastise me

And I was like, Miss, did you decorate the house?

And I was waiting on the line and I saw the Enquirer magazine

And I'd be at a party and have Michael walk up to me one day

And I'd come inside the room and cut your dick off.

And I've had my share of pussy.

And it was a discotheque and a strobe light fell off the ceiling,

And it'd be like this:

And ladies like sex just as much as we do, guys, but they act like they don't.

And let me have some Junior Mints.

And make a clinkety sound

And men don't like to picture their woman fucking nobody.

And picked up the telephone and Bill got raw on me.

And scream your motherfucking head off.

And she is inside the kitchen cooking

And shot Jimmie Walker.

And shove it in your fucking mouth. Don't look over there. No, you shut up.

And suck it and stick it down in your mouth and suck it, suck it.'

And that was your birthday cake. And we never complained.

And the lyrics go, Ain't nothing going on but the rent.

And the man would be fucked up.

And the moolies are beating him and he don't fucking go down,

And the seas roared,

And then he had to give her $1 50 million of his money.

And there's a big split in the middle and grease is popping out.

And they can have you. Guys, how many times have you fucked

And they can't speak English and try to do my act

And they'll get it.

And they'll have you believing it. No loyal men.

And white people go, That Michael's a special kind of guy

And women know all they have to do is cater to our egos enough

And you appreciate it. You never complained.

Anybody's ever done this will agree with what I'm saying.

Are you carrying..

At McDonald's, they use buns, the meat covers the whole bread.

Be a picture of Brooke like this:

Because if I wanna drink something in my house, fine.

Because that's a very important word here. Fuck, yes, we did.

Black people from New York have this trick we use on white people.

Brothers, we go to the disco, get all fucked up,

Bullshit.

But how can you do the moonwalk and ask a woman to dance?

But I love you!

But I refuse to let you go, Lillian

But once you make a woman come real hard,

Cannot go outside ever again.

Child support and your children.

Come on, now. I need somebody perfect for me. Give it to me, now!

Comes home from school the other day

Cooling, right? I went in with my girlie, right?

Creating a weird effect with the mirror

Cut that Afro off, go back home in style. Who the hell he think he is?

Do the moonwalk. That's some stupid shit. Michael can do that shit, though

Do you hear the phone ringing?

Do you hear this phone? I'm gonna answer, because I know it's Shirley.

Don't ask me why.

Don't let him fool you Oh, no

Don't tell me about Wonder Bread.

Don't that make you mad, right? You know what really make me mad?

Don't you ever disrespect me. Don't you ever.

Don't you ooh and aah.

Eddie Murphy! Fuck you!

Eddie, I even ate those cheap purple motherfuckers after 'Go'...

Eddie, what have you done for me lately?

Eddie, who broke that lamp in 1 9 7 1 ?

Excuse me?

Excuse me? I said, where you going?

For instance, I hate those quiet, salad eating bitches,

Fuck you doing with Deney Terrio?

Fuck. I fucked her.

Get a little older, I'm gonna kick you in your nuts, see how you like it.

Get the fuck out of here.

Get the fuck out. No such thing as a loyal man.

Give my dick back. Now, listen, be quiet.

Go up to the people standing on line and shit.

God, that was the best cracker I ever ate in my life.

Gotta be a good cook.

Guys, picture your woman fucking your best friend.

Had to do something

Have the same crackers every day for a year.

He got 300 million, the ends are meeting like a motherfucker

He said, Do people laugh when you say what you say?

He said, Well, tell Bill I said:

He say, 'Motherfucker, I...' And he ran over to my woman

He shot him in the lips, Lil.

He was all fucked up. I looked at my ego, I said:

He was walking up to people saying:

He worked at the Coleco toy factory, Eddie, and made 1 3 cents a week.

He's an asshole.

Hey, excuse me, brother.

Hey, I just got some regular old crackers.

Hey, let me have a box of Juji Fruits

Hey, Lil, you gonna answer this telephone?

Hey, what you wanna eat? They go, I'll just have a salad.

Hey, you know, read. You can catch some shit.

Hi.

How come you can't respect me? How come?

How the hell you gonna go somewhere...?

I ain't see this dude's brother standing behind me.

I ate Baltic and Ralph Avenue. Yes, I did.

I call my mother's house. Because you wanna hear:

I came home from school and my mother had made

I did, and I sat down and ate my father's birthday cake too.

I didn't know what to do, because I could act like I could fight good.

I don't know what you're talking about. I'm offended you called. Fuck you.

I don't like the way you treat me, Eddie.

I don't mind because it means That much to me

I get into bed...

I got McDonald's.

I gotta tell you, be careful. And women ain't like us.

I had 1 1 brothers and sisters, Eddie. My father made 1 3 cents a week.

I just lost my motherfucking job

I know a lot of guys sitting out there right now like this too:

I like Good Times.

I manage to stick in some jokes between the curses.

I never came like that before. I can't believe it.

I never met anyone like you. Why don't we be together.

I only hurt my brothers and sisters once.

I put rules on the refrigerator and you never obey my rules.

I said, I don't know. And my lip said, Hey, fellas!

I say, Miss Murphy. Miss Murphy. And I'm gonna bring her home.

I see a lot of you ladies going:

I think I'll have some Bon Bons there.

I turned around and burned him up on the street.

I want you to go in the refrigerator and get the meat

I was frozen, man. I was standing there,

I was in the club, man. I stopped going...

I was like, Ain't no brothers gonna sue me. Brothers sued Ed.

I was mad. I called my mother up. You know how you do.

I was praying he wouldn't answer the phone,

I would like to talk to you...

I would like to tell you a story. I have five children.

I'd appreciate if you go up and tell him that your father says 'Thank you.'

I'd like to meet some pussy like that.

I'll see you later

I'm a man. I want respect. I want respect, Eddie.

I'm gonna whip Eddie Murphy's ass when I see him

I'm gonna write that down and put it on the fridge.

I'm Michael motherfucking Jackson, I will bust your ass

I'm not making McDonald's, I'm making Mama's burger.

Intelligence, a nice ass and a body. Give it to me, now!

Is like playing Russian roulette.

Is shimmying off... The moon is shimmying off the ocean.

Is that American women in the '80s have become very business conscious.

Is you got some trained bush bitch in your house.

Just me and my friends.

Know how you made a wish? You shook it till the words disappeared,

Know when your woman's gonna fool around?

Let me hear the men clap that are loyal to their women.

Lf I need something, I can go to my family. My family takes care of me.

Lf the white people do that, they'll kill each other

Lf you don't speak English, you can't hear that bit.

Like if you went up and said:

Like Linc Hayes from the Mod Squad

Little Eddie got a joke to tell. Go on, Eddie

Ln Delirious, I was making fun out of a lot of entertainers too.

Look at them, they're:

Lovers on the beach making love.

Ls for a little respect, motherfucker

Lt's a trap. They trap you with the pussy.

Lt's fucking great. I fucking love it, man. All right, Rock O!

Lt's gonna be all right, baby. lt's gonna be fine.

Lt's my house and I don't give a fuck!

Lt's right here, all right?

Lt's right here, all right? What? Hey, fuck you, all right?

Ltalians don't play that shit. You hear the shit they say

Ma, we don't have no hamburger buns.

Making the bread stick to the plate.

Me and my 1 1 brothers and sisters

Me and your mother want respect.

My ego jumped out of my body and said,

No matter what you want, she has the ingredients at home.

No, I didn't actually fight, but I was there watching.

No, no, no, I got to go. I got to... You two... Y'all two lovebirds talk.

No, we couldn't afford a cake.

No.

Now, of the five children that we have, there are four girls and a boy.

Now, put the rules up, Lillian.

Now, we sit in the living room waiting for Ennis to return

Oh, Lester, sit your drunk ass down.

OK, wait a minute!

One, 'Lillian cannot use the phone.'

Out of the bread box. And you go look in the bread box and you say:

Push your head up your asshole, say:

Remember he wanted to spend all his free time with you? No more of that.

See that black guy over there at the line getting candy?

Shame on you. Y'all should've fucked them.

Shame on you. You should've fucked them. Clap. Clap louder.

She go, I don't know, your father ain't home. Why? Why?

She go, I don't know. My man ain't home. Why?

She gonna have to put something in the pockets.

She looked at her husband, he did like this:

She walks in:

She's gotta be butt naked on the zebra. And y'all think it's a joke.

She's walking on the beach, crying, in the Bahamas.

She's walking on the beach, she laid out all day and got a tan,

Show you how far a woman will stoop.

Sit down. Everybody, sit, sit. Cool out.

So I'm praying my father wouldn't answer the phone.

So, Your Honor, check it out, right? What happened then, right?

Soon as I got off the plane, they'd be like:

Start acting all tipsy and shit. I say, 'Where?' She say, 'Over there.'

Suck it, you black motherfucker.

Tell me what hotel your man's staying.

Telling me to sign a contract to show that I love you?

That ain't no regular cracker, was it? What was that, a Saltine?

That are loyal to them, truthfully.

That wouldn't rather be somewhere else with a nice stiff one in them.

That's all right. Just worry about... Shit, you doing fine.

That's the new rules in the house.

That's what I like about Sly. He goes in

That's what you gotta do.

That's when Bill got pissed and said:

That's why the man kick your ass. And when I was a child,

That's why they shy now.

The boy's name is Ennis. He loves everything you do.

The brothers went to get paid. I was, Brothers don't sue brothers.

The Jell O pudding eating motherfucker.

The kiss is sweeter than honey

The most common is when you ain't getting any at all, that's the trap.

The most common trap is to not give you any

The wheels will melt in your mouth, Eddie.

The woman's favorite threat is, I'll do something to your dick.

Then all the brothers saw 40 white guys beating up two black guys,

Then I found out Michael Jackson was looking for me. I was like...

Then I gotta go to school and watch the other children eat real food.

Then I said, What's up with Johnny? I turned to the inside story

Then it looked like 40 white guys fighting 40 black guys,

Then make a move, then. Make a move.

Then they hear that Rocky music.

Then you ate the Etch A Sketch.

Then you get married, because you think you've found the bomb.

They got dudes in the doctor's office with symptoms like, Excuse me, doc,

They just cater to your ego.

They was like, Fuck that. I'm getting paid, motherfucker.

They'd be standing around looking at you, they'd be looking at...

This is my house!

This is my last roll. Come on. Here we go.

This sound like a tragedy, right? No, it was like this:

This was it. This was the feeling I've been searching for. I finally made love.

Those are the worst white people to fight, especially around Rocky time.

Those are usually the ones that have the most skeletons in their closet.

To a white man, look just like you!

To their girlfriends? What the fuck you looking over there for?

Twelve! I was disgusted.

Two, 'Lillian cannot...'

Wait one second, goddamn it!

Wait till they got home and said:

We are low by nature and have to do it.

We could... Stop. I just don't think the time is right.

We couldn't afford no icing,

We did. See, a lot of you ladies going:

We didn't have all the fancy things like you, Charlie and Vernon.

We don't know everything about Michael.

We figured you out in this sense, and this is true.

We filming a movie here tonight and y'all gonna be in this shit

We fool around because we figured women out.

We sit down and talk it over.

We start thinking about all the pussy we can get while she gone.

Well, I don't play that shit. You cut off my dick, you better run, goddamn it.

Well, I'm supposed to be a fool, right?

What are you talking about? Why are you treating me like this?

What do you mean, a prenuptial agreement?

What does he mean, he figured us out?

What goes around comes around, Eddie.

What the fuck is wrong with you, man?

What we want Baby, you got it

What's all the motherfucking jokes? You don't like my clothes?

What's your problem, baby?

What's your problem? I'm just a little shy.

When I was little, I wanted to be Richard Pryor so bad I used to...

When Mike... My manager called me up and said:

When you meet a woman and everything is perfect

When you're a child, if your mother doesn't take you to McDonald's,

Which is bullshit. I mean, fucking and making love, let's be real.

While I was waiting on the line

Who am I, Alexander Graham Bell up in this motherfucker?

Who punched you in the lips? ltalian? For what?

Why don't we change the subject. Let's talk about something different.

With a big bone in her nose and a big plate lip

With a handsome dude. You say, How that happen?

With a rock hard dick, talking about, I'm sorry.

With the real hard bottoms. When they about 1 years old,

Would wrap the Twister mats around our body like a suit.

Y'all gonna go past a newsstand one day and see me on the cover of JET

Y'all got one dance y'all can do. Y'all can do this shit, like this:

Y'all start putting up with all kinds of crazy shit.

Yeah. lt's a great fucking movie.

Yes, Eddie. Well, you give what you get.

Yes, I fucked her, yes.

Yes, Your Honor, on the evening in question, per se, Your Honor.

Yo, Ed, shut the fuck up, man!

Yo, man, Mr. T was just here looking for you

You ain't no regular housewife. You ain't got to clean the house no more.

You be mad as a motherfucker too,

You can take half the money, the car, the house, the children

You can't touch the phone. Bye bye, phone, for Lillian.

You don't own me.

You gonna put it on square Wonder Bread?

You got a whole lot of... I love you.

You have to act like you can fight,

You heard what I said, moolie. Pay for my fucking candy...

You just come on home. Stop crying. I'll cook you something to eat.

You kicked the dude's ass. Relax.

You know something? Hey, I'm drunk, Lil.

You know what really bother me

You look up white woman in the dictionary,

You made that noise. Your man can act crazy.

You marry... You know how a lot of housewives gotta get jobs on the side

You may speak. And she spoke.

You mind your motherfucking business

You open the door and ravens and shit fly out of the closet.

You pick them up and their leg muscles be strong

You spending all your money on shit you ain't never spent it on.

You take what you had and I take what I had.

You treat me like animal.

Beverly Hills Cop. No, 48 Hrs

Do you watch the Bill Cosby Show? Yeah!

He looks good. Handsome

Why? Hear the ladies go, Why?

'Please give me money for a ticket

'That's all the shit I'm gonna get, motherfucker?'