10-Year-Old-Tom - Season 1 Edit

A "must sue" situation.

A bunch of grown women in there.

A bus driver?

A child named Tom was scheduled to participate,

A child's reward for what he does, you steal!

A cop pepper sprayed me.

A couple fluid ounces of this.

A dark place here.

A grown man's email.

A guy like him would use for a password?

A hawk's flying off with your gerbil.

A lemonade stand

A little blackmail type thing.

A little of, like, wee woo, woo woo,

A little one on one while you guys watch.

A little room?

A little too seriously?

A little Vitamin S.

A lone cat moans in the distance...

A loser behind your back. Even the adults.

A lot of doomsday talk. Something about a stallion.

A lot of drinking hard alcohol and whatnot.

A permanent installation in this school

A personal favor.

A quick ten and [clears throat]

A random act of generosity

A real crowd pleaser, too.

A sense of whimsy, okay?

A short little ten year old Mr. B?

A simple cortado.

A student of mine wearing a Red Sox garment.

A thing that looks like a flying squirrel, a wingsuit.

A time to plant and a time to uproot.

A time when neighbors knew each other by name.

A to the A to the R to the D to the V to the A

A uniform or a suit.

A VIP card that gets you out of trouble?

A wonderful woman, but she's a maniac.

A word wrong or anything. Punch me in the mouth?

Aah!

About church and pudding and cookies and picnics.

About money more than their child's happiness.

About the bassoon incident. Complaints?

About the time Daniel Day Lewis saw me perform

About the yearbook pictures.

About these other nimrods...

About this guy at all.

Acting requires talking.

Actually, my son cannot mow your lawn today.

Affect the way you view me as a principal.

Ah no! Can't move my neck!

Ah, it's so good to have Larry back.

Ah, sorry for the language kids,

Ah, thanks for seeing us.

Aim high.

All because Tom didn't like

All for free. Yep.

All I know is,

All I want is my name on the door.

All I'm asking you to do is not cheat!

All kinds of fun kid stuff.

All my clients want me back.

All powerful. What?

All right, good to go.

All right, guys, I pulled some strings.

All right, guys, it's go time.

All right, here we go. Ready?

All right, I shouldn't have said that.

All right, I'll catch up in a minute.

All right, I'm your roast master.

All right, if anyone talks to you, just "no habla ingles."

All right, let me think.

All right, let's just get this over with.

All right, let's play some soccer.

All right, now spell bun.

All right, so I'm playing the village idiot, Lucian.

All right, so much for the pledge.

All right, tell the dog to relax.

All right, that felt completely wrong.

All right, that sounds like fun.

All right, this is the last time

All right, Tommy. See that grass out there?

All right, you fucking idiots,

All right, you know what? Guys, hold on, hold on.

All right. Hey, what up, Dad?

All right. Ready?

All right. What's the plan?

All sold out, swing on back tomorrow.

All the pros do it.

All the teachers... It's a nightmare.

All three of us amigos would be sitting at the cool table.

All you need is a little confidence boost.

All: Aw.

All: To losing!

All: To Tom!

Almost all my bus driver training.

Always just say, "She's busy."

Always spinning with ideas but no.

Am I ever going to see that money?

Am I holding up?

Am I right? [laughter]

Am I the only person not invited?

An art prodigy for a son.

An enraged sports fan burned the shirt of a student.

And $200 for miscellaneous expenses.

And admission is $10.

And all you asked for was free pencils?

And also what it's like to just be a loser.

And are very disgruntled.

And as long as you're not an ex con, you're hired.

And as the saying goes,

And average height. Average gerbil height.

And be done with it, right? Meeting adjourned.

And beat him with a rusty hoe.

And become an assistant bookie with my friend, Lu.

And Blaze will be doing double duty

And boots, and a hat, and a pole.

And breathe Mr. B. No, I don't wanna do that.

And buy us some time. I'm on it.

And by the way, Denise,

And can I get that for free?

And casually buy a nice pair of Z. Cavariccis.

And Coach, you're gonna be their chaperone.

And collect the insurance money.

And cover your mouth

And cut through the pedophiles' playground...

And don't ever tell them that!

And drives the bus?

And eat dinner. What do you do now?

And everyone dies, that's my bad.

And family values.

And funnel the winnings back into the budget.

And get in the bathroom," but if you ask me,

And get in their vehicle.

And get out there. Oh, do people tuck it in?

And get the oven going really early or something.

And get us a sweet new bus.

And give me $250 on the Yanks just straight up.

And good times and fun living.

And have fun.

And he adds one line and he rewrites it

And he crapped his pants at Little League.

And he didn't feel trapped.

And he refuses to make his grandmother

And he started a Lebanese catering company.

And he sucks at bassoon.

And he won't hand over the media drive.

And he'll play the cat. That's fun.

And he'll teach you his, uh, quote, "accounting tricks."

And he's a little hairy. The kid looks like he's 32.

And he's gotta take a pee.

And her hair was dragging

And here he is.

And I

And I always do my good deed for the day.

And I am in a position of authority.

And I am reporting some missing children.

And I apologize for my appearance."

And I apologize for what just happened.

And I believe I'm running for treasurer.

And I can't afford you to jinx it.

And I couldn't move my neck. And that was basically it.

And I deliver the goods.

And I don't know if you remember this, Principal,

And I don't really care."

And I don't show it bothers me, but it really does!

And I gambled that we'd lose.

And I got a lot of extra money from those

And I guess my 15 years as a professional photographer

And I had to sell my car to make rent.

And I just I forgive everybody,

And I just respect it.

And I just saved 10 G's!

And I just, I want to thank you, Tom.

And I know biweekly is confusing,

And I know that sounds crazy, but sometimes losing,

And I know you're on the edge ready to jump don't do it.

And I learned how to make a cortado.

And I literally don't know her last name.

And I need my first hundred days to go well.

And I panicked.

And I promised that we would help him.

And I think we need to wrap this up.

And I wanna see this budget.

And I'll have a new vehicle.

And I'm a light stealer.

And I'm crapping all over the school.

And I'm not gonna do that, Tom.

And I've decided to quit my job

And I've literally got Clio Awards coming out of my butt.

And I've written the script myself.

And if he gets defensive, we'll come in.

And if I do not, then my mother will die.

And if this is inappropriate,

And if we don't find him now, he's gonna die!

And if you could just not say anything to your parents,

And ignore it. Oh, man.

And in the off chance the bus does actually explode

And insurance, you're pretty safe.

And it all just got away from me.

And it just feels weird to get a massage right now.

And it says "Death before Dishonor:

And it was not enough for a party.

And it's got an arrow pointing down to your crotch.

And it's not that hard, Tom.

And it's, like, you expect me to wake up at 11:00 a.m.

And just cruise around all day.

And kinda blink. Guy loved to blink, didn't he?

And last year we were ranked in the bottom 5th percentile,

And look at his brother. What a pair.

And looking at the camera.

And make anything look wrong.

And make it seem like I'm doing work.

And mold you in my image?

And more importantly,

And mountain breeze air freshener.

And necessary light on a very real problem.

And needed a confidence boost. So...

And Nelson.

And not playing with these bimbo nimrods.

And now he's, uh, threatening

And now I see opportunity, so maybe 500.

And now we just tooling around town.

And now we'd like you to confront him.

And now you got little kids reading poems?

And now, "A Daffodil for Terence."

And now, I'm gonna wash the cheese out of your hair.

And our team captain...

And put him down.

And put it in front of your children.

And rude, Tom.

And said, "Now, that is acting."

And say they should get special treatment,

And say, "I can't move my neck."

And see if she can work in, like, more fart jokes.

And she is begging to get slapped.

And she is making all type of like crazy demands.

And she's giving me loads of

And she's grinding her butt into his crotch,

And shit like that? Of course I do spelling bees.

And shove a towel under the bottom

And shove all of his personal belongings down the toilet?

And smack your little tush with a spatula.

And so I'd like a Tom Special for free.

And some kind of, uh, pouch to keep them in?

And squeezed the rear end of our school nurse.

And starts nailing a slut,

And stop for nibbles at Oso. And it's all on me.

And that you're you're furious. Principal, you there?

And that's that's how you kids make me feel.

And the fact that Tom saved my life.

And the machine that makes fart noises for $1.50.

And the name is fun. Thank you.

And the nurse is gonna start by cutting the cake.

And the pressure is slowly tightening.

And the sound of children's laughter

And then again from 2:00 to 2:20 p.m.

And then be really sticky when I go to school

And then comes back to save?

And then do that.

And then drive an ice cream truck

And then get the fuck outta here.

And then I strolled over and chatted with the nurse.

And then I would win Okay.

And then light it on fire.

And then screwed on my couch?

And then watch you come back and pay?

And then we gonna buy four.

And then we need you to choke on it.

And then we're going back to school.

And then we're gonna sell those two,

And then you write back saying you can't bang me

And there is a very good chance this does not end well.

And there was a whole scandal? Yes!

And there's no tactful way to say this in front of the kids.

And they make these deals all the time.

And they stay out till 4:00 at "Da Club"

And think maybe you're just becoming morbidly obese?

And this is the thanks I get? I'm going home.

And throw a look over the shoulder,

And throw it everywhere?

And to clarify, there's no reward.

And to show what a wonderful kid I am,

And Tom is back to playing the village idiot.

And Tom, ask your mom if she can look at the script

And Tom, on this trip you can call me "Double D."

And tonight he gets his wish.

And try something different, like baseball.

And uh, let's do this again.

And urinated on Babe Ruth's mitt,

And was like, "No one respects me!"

And we are off!

And we can force you to make jokes.

And we kind of need your help.

And we need to do something wrong.

And we shall run through the daffodils

And we show these kids that no matter where you go,

And we spent it all on power ties.

And we threw churros at people,

And we want you to be the roast master.

And we're a little concerned.

And we're gonna get our money back.

And we're gonna go with,

And we're gonna meet my buddy Glenn.

And we've gone through five pounds of pears.

And we've got your back, so

And when it comes to art, you're kind of phoning it in.

And wherever you go, someone will be watching.

And you are gonna help fix it. You're a warrior now.

And you can't retain information.

And you chase squirrels. You're not a busy person.

And you don't wannna do this in the tub or the shower?

And you got a hard drive labeled

And you guys don't just come running in here like that.

And you hit that guy in the eye?

And you just check in with me, and I'll see it from here.

And you know that, okay?

And you know that.

And you know what? I want you to tell them.

And you offered him pencils.

And you owe us $300 for the microphone.

And you'll drag me down with you.

And you're gonna apologize in person.

And you're gonna get punished for saying it just now.

And you've got an eye for business.

And your classiest wine,

And your mom told them off.

And your wardrobe's all set for the next year.

And, Tom. Hey there.

And, uh, give them back?

And, uh, ooh, I hate to ask this, but who are you?

And, uh, the fish passed.

And...done. All right, great.

Anniversary at school is coming up.

Any of these things. I'm a kid.

Any questions or concerns? I mean, there's gonna be

Anybody want some soft pretzels?

Anyone but your dad. He's messed up.

Anyone who knows me knows I'm a...

Anything that's ice cream related.

Anything you want at school. You name it.

Anything you want.

Anyway, 'sup?

Anyway, I'm gonna let myself in.

Are doing it at this point.

Are gonna save this arts program.

Are just garbage bullshit!

Are my cooking skills not up to your standards anymore?

Are really landing.

Are you feeling okay, Dakota?

Are you going to buy anything?

Are you kidding me? That's $300.

Are you okay? I'm good.

Are you shitting me?

Are you sure we can't just refinance or something?

Are you trying to get me fired?

Are you trying to say my son murdered George?

As a reminder of what you've done,

As a very wise plumber once told me,

As both our lead and also the cat.

As easily as it can come from a grown man's rear end.

As soon as I said "ball boy,"

As the senior most ball boy here, I got full access.

As there will be no ceremonial first pitch thrown.

As they say.

As to what a complete jackass you were.

As we know from the Bible

As you all know, one of our students almost

As you know, this weekend is our big

As you may have heard, my grandpa recently grabbed

Asking people to sign a greeting card.

Asks friends to repay diner for free meals"?

At least give me credit for that.

At least have an organized fight

At least I'll be comfortable.

At Pet Depot, we happily wrap up all the animals.

At T&G's, we stand tall. Bob, tuck your shirt in.

At the cool table without me, will you?

At the school today. Set him free?

At the strip club, when she went upside down

At this point it's belligerent.

At weddings, do they?

Au revoir! Soccer league?

Babe Ruth first signed with the team.

Back in Jersey, people find me adorable!

Back to work. Back to work, everyone.

Bake sale? Never happened.

Bam, you've been roasted, Tom style, baby!

Band recital? Whoo hoo!

Baseball players are swimming in ladies.

Bassoon players are basically celibate.

Bassoon players, they get nothing.

Bath, and drive to that school

Be preparing a settlement offer, and, uh,

Because he is very bad.

Because I bought a party size of bagel bites

Because I care.

Because I'm not enjoying myself at all.

Because I'm so proud of you, Tom.

Because if I don't, nobody else will.

Because it is the face of failure.

Because it's going to get so wet in there.

Because it's hard. Mm.

Because of Tom, Randy.

Because she's a handful anyway. Thank you for swinging by,

Because some people can be quite thick.

Because they misspelled a word.

Because they sleep in a filthy dumpster.

Because you don't really have one.

Because you're doing me a favor.

Because, uh, he is about to perform

Before that and I'll come in?

Before you come back in this house.

Being shot out of a cannon... What?

Being tossed in the dumpster.

Best day of my life. Thanks, Ma.

Between bassoon and baseball.

Beyonce's "All the Single Ladies."

Big time! You know, I did.

Boom! This is amazing!

Boom. Credits roll. Any questions, gentlemen?

Both: Hm. Now, that is a good idea.

Both: One, two, three.

Both: We want Tom. We want Tom.

Bounce up and down.

Bow before him. Hell, yeah.

Brace for impact. We're hitting something.

Brandy.

Breathe. Who's in charge here?

Bushes or people? Uh oh.

But all you need to do is pivot.

But ball boy outranks security guard.

But can I offer a tiny bit of constructive criticism?

But can I sit this one out?

But can you clear the floor for us?

But don't say that.

But for maniac parents who can't conduct themselves

But half's a little crazy.

But he also wants that blurb.

But he is beloved around here.

But he's not comfortable

But here is a plate of brownies for your trouble.

But here's here are your terms.

But hey, it's not a competition, so thank you.

But hey, we won, right?

But I can't get this thing into gear.

But I can't provide for my family

But I did train in New York with a instructor named Gary.

But I didn't know I mean,

But I do really admire your guys' hustle.

But I don't have time to chat.

But I feel like she's gonna understand.

But I feel like we gotta go for this.

But I find you people so annoying,

But I have a son.

But I just $1 million dollars?

But I leave things under the basket,

But I was looking forward to sliding it over.

But I went to church last week to pray that she dies.

But I'd be happy to fight my wife.

But I'm about to punching bag those bitches.

But I'm actually throwing out the first pitch of the game.

But I'm doing good. Listen.

But I'm gonna make you this promise.

But I'm just letting y'all know,

But I'm not a good speller. I'm going to lose.

But I'm not dealing with that. See ya.

But I'm not gonna set a bad example for my son.

But I'm not saying it doesn't.

But I'm talking about intellectual diversity.

But I'm throwing you to the wolves now.

But I'ma put some feelers out for a new lab partner.

But I've got a line of customers behind you, so

But if this is a "must sue" situation,

But instead, he pulled out his wiener

But is it inappropriate for me to say

But it didn't really stick.

But it is it is dramatic.

But it was a lot of positive talk, is all.

But it was really you all along.

But it's it's actually an intervention.

But it's a terrible part of town.

But it's not your fault at all. Because you know what?

But it's the type where it's two times a month.

But it's too late. I can't turn around.

But let me sleep on it.

But let's take it down a notch.

But my mom expects me to be perfect?

But my Uncle Bill is actually a ball boy here at the stadium.

But not leaving. Horses?

But not technically a lie.

But now he's striking out on his own,

But once he leaves, man, I let lose.

But Picasso had more talent in his rear end

But something about it is nurturing.

But that clip was taken out of context.

But that was crossing the line.

But that's just not gonna happen.

But that's the gist of the joke.

But the cups are very specifically labeled,

But the last time I checked this guy's a real

But the most important thing is

But then you laugh and say, "Just kidding. Love you buddy."

But there's literally a rat in your jacket.

But there's not gonna be a yearbook.

But they had simultaneous chiropractor appointments.

But this is a travesty. I know.

But this is really not, uh, "moving the needle."

But this year you only have one line as the village idiot.

But we can you can laugh about it now, right?

But we don't, there's no door.

But we value you at this school.

But what if we slip her some kind of sedative?

But what the eff am I looking at here?

But whatever's going on with you two,

But when you are,

But when you are, you'll come into Hooters.

But who knows what a pussy is?

But why didn't you tell us sooner?

But you clearly said, "Come over.

But you gotta save some for later.

But you guys seem to know what you're talking about over here.

But you see what gym class has done to him.

But you should come. What does that mean?

But your dad is a pain in my ass.

But, hey, my mom hated the pictures anyway,

By the way, am I still treasurer

By tomorrow. So draw it. You the best.

By undercutting my prices.

Bye bye, Tommy!

C'mon, pudding. Make a decision.

C'mon. [cheers and laughter]

Called "My Wife Just Doesn't Get It."

Called "the bus door." It was pretty cool.

Called fat piece of shit.

Called him a dumb dumb. That was in poor taste.

Calling me dumb while I enjoy my latte.

Can I at least keep the sombrero?

Can I borrow? Sorry, Tom.

Can I get a low tat tat tat tat?

Can I get you any anything simpler?

Can I go check the halls for her?

Can I have a quick chat? Mm hmm.

Can I have everyone's attention, please?

Can I leave you in charge for a minute?

Can I say that? Please identify yourself.

Can I share it with you?

Can my mom eat free too? Well...

Can someone have this kid removed?

Can someone restrain the cat, please?

Can we get in on that? Sorry, Hector.

Can we get serious and go find that gerbil?

Can you be a nice guy, just pull them

Can you help me rewrite my speech? We've got an hour.

Can you just give it a quick squirt?

Can't wait. Do you have

Cancel? We don't do that.

Carpe diem...Pro bono...In absentia...Spell bibliophile!

Carved into the shape of your son's head?

Casey Affleck, right? Right, Uncle Bill?

Check another one off the list, baby!

Check it off the list.

Chubby guy, bad dresser, real idiot?

Clearly said, "No nips, no problem."

Coach, please!

Coach, this is our way of saying thank you

Coach, we are good! Hey, Coach.

Colloquially used to describe turkeys or domestic cats."

Come back in next week, because you guys are in round one.

Come here and sit on Mommy's lap.

Come here! That's a bit much.

Come here. Hey. Oh, whoa, whoa.

Come in and save someone, you look like

Come on in. Grab a slice.

Come on, for God's sake. How tired can you possibly be?

Come on, guys.

Come on, hey, let's be reasonable, huh?

Come on, I'll show you. Oh, my god.

Come on, Tom! You can do it, buddy!

Come on, Tom. You can do this.

Come on, y'all!

Come on, y'all! Hey, parents, uh oh.

Come on! You're making a fool of me!

Come out on top for once.

Compared to Tom, the rest of you look like idiots.

Cool Ranch Doritos, and a couple rubbers.

Could be a classroom, a soccer field.

Could cost the school a fortune.

Could we get some, uh,

Count me in.

Count me out. It's been decided.

Couple of weird hats. This is incredible.

Creepy guy? Class of '04?

Crickets!

Crowd: Aw! Ah, I'm exhausted.

Crowd: Yeah!

Cut! Stop!

Dakota, get a picture of this. This is good.

Dakota, how would, say, your mother respond?

Dakota, what do you think?

Damn it.

Dancing and snapping to landscaping music.

Defecating on walls...

Defended him once in court.

Despite knowing your name.

Did another Clio Award just come out of my butt?

Did he say caboose

Did you maybe say that

Died while exercising last week,

Dining and dashing or anything.

Do I know you? Do you know me?

Do I look like an owner of anything?

Do I not have a weight problem?

Do it for the children, Tom.

Do me a favor, Tommy. All right.

Do that again. Pffft. Pbbbbt.

Do things "for the children."

Do you even have an appointment?

Do you hear that?

Do you know how freaking hard he would get

Do you know what "carpe diem" means?

Do you mind if I run some of my jokes by ya?

Do you see what's on my wall?

Do you wanna know why? I don't know, poor planning?

Do you want us to shove that cap up your "tush"?

Do, like, grade school spelling bee bets

Does no one else find it suspicious that this kid

Does not mean it's a free for all.

Does that sound fun?

Does that sound morally fine to you?

Does this look like a man

Dog, they're going to have to call a rain delay

Doing the smearing!

Don't don't look at that.

Don't answer, please. Thank you.

Don't ask any questions. Just give me the purse.

Don't avert your eyes!

Don't discuss dashing.

Don't get nervous.

Don't get your mom involved. I learned that the hard way.

Don't leave on that note. Come on.

Don't let it ruin the sleepover.

Don't make eye contact. Don't turn around.

Don't make me say pussy, guys! There's kids on this bus.

Don't mind if I do.

Don't panic, Tom. How do you work this thing?

Don't rebuild anything,

Don't say a word, lady. Don't you dare say a word.

Don't slice anything

Don't stop. Don't stop what you're doing.

Don't tell the principal. I'm kidding.

Don't touch it. Ah, yes.

Don't urinate in your pants.

Donkey faced kid from those ads?

Doug, come on out here.

Doug, you really should start getting dressed.

Due to some hair and blazer issues.

Due to the overwhelming interest

During the morning announcements, can we do that?

During the morning announcements.

During these troubled times. Signed, Sweet Nelson."

Eeeeeeeeh.

Eh? Ever hear of cushions?

Either way, take off your clothes and come on up.

Enough with this jibber jabber already.

Era of prosperity

Escalating this a bit. Nelson's right.

Especially after all my encouragement.

Even ten feet, we will be legends.

Even though you know people call you

Everybody loves him. Yeah, my uncle's a fun guy.

Everybody run! Run for your lives!

Everybody smears cake on their face.

Everybody, attention. Listen up.

Everybody, gather around! Don't make a big thing of it.

Everybody, head between your knees.

Everyone seems to like her.

Everyone will think you're a hero,

Everyone, this is this is Tom and Nelson. I know them.

Except for the wailing moan of a depressed cat.

Except for Tom.

Executive decision, we gotta sink it.

Explanation of what's going on with your neck.

Face a wall.

Fantasy football stats? Oh, no, don't read it.

Farted?

Feast your eyes. Oh, wow, now, that's art.

Feeding us gelato throughout the day.

Feel free to show yourselves out.

Feels more prestigious.

Filled with detail, texture, and nuance of the school

Fine. Fine!

Fingered me in a parking lot, swipe.

Fire up the chopper, Charlie.

First responder coming through."

First up is... Dakota.

Flippity flip, floppity flop.

Fly fish! What?

For "New Jersey's Got Talent"! Come on, Jersey.

For 20 years of teaching.

For a dollar a shirt,

For a few months and filed an insurance claim.

For a little kid. Oh, no, I never said that.

For argument's sake, let's say there's a reward.

For doing doughnuts,

For many people. Great pain.

For misjudging you all of these years.

For now, just wait for my signal.

For one second, that'd be great.

For some of the moms.

For the children. Uh, all right.

For the exchange of goodwill and good brownies!

For the ice cream truck.

For the money, okay? You should be helping them

For the next week? Tom, let's put a sock in it.

For the school.

For this whole thing, and I didn't.

For Tom's class pictures!

For years at PTA meetings, at bake sales.

Forever more.

Forget the beverage. You don't seem thirsty.

Free drinks, sweet. Oh, no, no, no.

From all sporting events.

From everyone here that respects me!

From everyone's lives!

From my dorm room at H A V E R D.

From that old chicken bone.

From the pencil request, I've got to say.

From two children.

Fudgy fudgy fudgy! No, me first, me first!

Further back on the bus.

Further enflaming tensions...

Gary does seem like he knows what he's talking about.

Gather round.

Get in the trash, you little rebels.

Get off this bus and go in there and do

Get that boy on the ground!

Get that heinie into gear, you piece of caca!

Get up on this bar. I really don't want to do it.

Get your shit together!

Give her a hand. That was she's a good sport!

Give it up for Glenn Hubert.

Give me $100 on the Knicks taking points.

Give me a hug, you big goofy looking son of a bitch.

Give me a little peekaboo over the shoulder.

Give me Klondike's number. I'll call them.

Giving rim jobs.

Glenn Hubert, Todd Glass and free nachos.

Glenn is on his way out here with the soft pretzels.

Glenn, cover me.