Space Force (2020) - Season 2 Edit

A colleague of mine,

A gift from us. Moutai.

A lot of the blame has been placed on your shoulders.

A man ate a bird. We drank each other's urine.

A merry Christmas!

A miracle. A miracle.

A nefarious plan, which I overheard.

A warm welcome to Gus Kelly.

About anything, honey. Boys, girls, dinosaurs.

About as real as the truth he's telling.

About how we're gonna answer questions about what happened on the moon.

About what happened up there.

Absolutely not.

Actually, I need to talk to you too, in private.

Actually, it's a he. Jerome.

Additionally, that Halloween I was dressed as a hobo,

Adrian, I have... I have bad news for you.

After all of that, after all that damning testimony,

After three drinks, we get whatever we want.

After you.

After you.

Ah, NASA. You say NASA? Ah, of course, NASA.

Ah!

Ah!

Ah! Erin, honey, everything is gonna be fine.

Ah.

Ah.

Ah.

Ah. Mmm.

Ah. Okay.

Albertson, now is not a good time.

All right, I gotta go. I love you...

All right. Who's next? Dad?

All right. You know what? We can tighten our belts a little bit. Sure.

All the way from Washington D.C. to meet with us.

All these brainiacs, and nobody told me nobody uses emoticons anymore?

Almost half.

Also, the lead astronaut from the moon mission, Dr. Lim.

American cigars from the great state of Connecticut.

And also, the Cowboys title was in 1996.

And America ate it up like a meth sprinkled,

And apparently, a drummer.

And be a good dad.

And discuss the division of lunar resources.

And don't you worry. Uncle Brad'll take great care of you.

And few, if any,

And food,

And he crawled under the tree.

And I can't be there, so I need you to be strong for your father, okay?

And I did, and I came back safely. We did that under his leadership.

And I didn't have to do anything.

And I got your answer right here.

And I have proven here that he is treacherous,

And I knew there were going to be no presents under the tree that Christmas.

And I smacked into the eighth floor of the Royal Mayan.

And I think that if she could keep a top GPA at a community college,

And I took the hint.

And I want you all to tell the truth when you go in there.

And I was dating this Russian spy guy for a while. My dad didn't like that.

And I would like to welcome our guest of honor this evening.

And I would love, if it's okay with you, to take the opportunity, sir,

And I'd like to say

And I'll put my boot up your ass if you don't shut up.

And I'm me.

And I'm serious about this.

And if there's anything we can get for you before we begin, some coffee or a...

And if you can't do it, it'll be done for you.

And if you put in the time and effort, you assume a rank.

And if your mother comes up,

And is quite possibly a Chinese spy.

And it was depressing. And awful.

And just split this damn thing down the middle? 50/50.

And mine is a pain in the ass.

And she hardly ever says anything.

And that is the kind of spirit I am looking for here at Space Force.

And that story's very alarming.

And the three of us lay there, under the tree,

And then her knee grazes the side of his perfect cheekbones.

And then my mom crawled under the tree. And then I crawled under the tree.

And then put a lit cigarette in it.

And then we got the continental breakfast...

And there are some heavy hitters on this list.

And there's something that I need to tell you.

And they still bought me a four dollar plastic mic from CVS.

And they're looking at replacements for, guess who, General Naird.

And this coming from a real American hero.

And to the scientists and astronauts of both of our countries

And under whose command.

And who likes doing laundry?

And wish you

And you look beautiful.

And you refused.

And you were ordered to destroy the Chinese moon base in retaliation,

And your budget has been drastically slashed.

And your son, he is also stunning.

And your thumb stands erect, pointed towards the sky.

And, uh, I can play the erhu, General.

And, uh, my family,

And, uh, standing up in gravity, and, you know...

And, you know, we fool around, things are going great, and then boom.

Angela Ali, that is the future of Space Force.

Angela, you're a queen.

Anyway, you wanted to talk to me?

Anyway...

Apparently, my heart has shrunken a little bit.

Are you fucking kidding me?

Armstrong, Aldrin, the first two men on the moon.

As they explore space and see what's out there together.

At best.

At the age of three, I learned how to tie my shoe in 15 minutes.

Aw, that's very sweet of you.

Away from people and breakable objects.

B 7.

Because it seems to me that man has not evolved one iota

Because my mom is dating one of her prison guards.

Been thinking about it way too much, all right?

Being paid to do nothing is actually my dream job.

Blergh.

Both nations worked together to return home to Earth"?

Boy, do I love those.

Brad lost his testicle chair.

Brad on Chan.

Brad, Kick. Kick comes back in, says, "What's up?" to Angela...

Brad, we have known each other a long time.

Brad, you actually do have egg on your face.

Brad?

Brad.

Brad. [snorting]

Bring it on.

But Grabaston is a military Neanderthal,

But he's my best friend.

But how would we determine that without first knowing both bits of news?

But I do believe that my decision

But I ordered blackened Cajun salmon with cranberry vinaigrette.

But I soon returned to the base, where I voluntarily surrendered

But I'm not supposed to talk about that.

But if you whine hard enough, he goes back on his decisions.

But if, uh, we fall behind schedule, does the five month offer still...

But it doesn't mean she has super hearing like Daredevil or Spider Man, okay?

But it is also flat.

But it's important that you show tact and civility.

But my aunt pees in the dark to save on her light bill.

But not necessarily bad.

But now we drink mimosas.

But still, within that, there was a beauty.

But that's... I'm okay.

But the United States has the highest GDP in the world.

But the, uh, tow boat flew me too close to shore,

But then again,

But then he took the braised abalone off the menu,

But they are. Or whoever makes my awesome drum kit.

But through diplomacy and cooperation,

But under the original mission of the branch.

But unquestionable character.

But we raised you to be strong. You're a Naird.

But what about all the, like, lies?

But with diplomacy and cooperation,

But you gotta handle your alcohol so you don't get the short end of the deal.

But you said to rip the Band Aid off.

But you won't get far dragging a mini fridge

But, I mean, you just, like, cry randomly at night sometimes, right?

By the way, it is a sunny 76 degrees in Tucson, everyone!

Can we really trust a man with the feet of a child?

Can you recount with the utmost detail and precision,

Can't believe I get to watch this. What about a second question?

Can't live with them

Can't sleep.

Capable of symbolic thought.

Captain Ali, who or what

Captain Ali, you've been the subject

Captain Ali?

Carte blanche to green light new missions?

Cement mason.

Check Dua Lipa.

Cheers.

Chile picante Corn Nuts.

Chinese people love to do business over drinks,

Come on. Had sex.

Consider this a stay of execution.

Cool.

Coordinating a safe return

Copy that. Slow and steady wins the moon.

Corn Nuts? Know how much money we could be making?

Courtyard by Marriott.

Cranberry, yeah. They were out of blueberry, so...

Cruller?

Cut.

Cute.

D D Dude. You're spinning like OJ 287.

Dad, I'm in a hearing at the Pentagon. Space Force is on trial.

Darn. Well.

Deep fried Snickers bar you get at a state fair.

Def... I said, "Definitely not." Is what I said.

Delicious.

Did anybody think that I like having my phone?

Did not do that.

Did y'all almost start a moon war with China?"

Did you miss most when you were on the moon?

Do not fret, friends.

Do you have a taped confession?

Do you think Brad aced it?

Does it bother you that we're a couple?

Does that make me a Neanderthal?

Doesn't help.

Doesn't it feel so fake though?

Doesn't make you the general at home."

Doing well. Doing well.

Don't be fresh.

Don't blame the bird. The bird is trending right now.

Don't blame yourself, General.

Don't mind if I do.

Don't put the empty jar back in the fridge, please.

Don't worry. I am a quick study.

Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't.

Dr. Chan and I personally birthed that project.

Dr. Lim is a smoke show.

Dr. Mallory, remember, diplomacy.

Dr. Mallory?

Dr. Mallory.

Dr. Mallory's my friend. Brad. Chan.

Dr. Zhang is a constant nag in my ear.

Dr. Zhang, perhaps you'll have one of these someday.

Earth is very noisy and, like, colorful.

Eat rice. Your stomach becomes the phone.

Eddie never killed or ate any living thing.

Erin is on the stand right now.

Erin said the exact same thing to me when she was in sixth grade.

Erin, how did you know to tap on the table?

Erin, I want you on your best behavior today.

Erin, let me see your face.

Erin! Did you finish all the marmalade?

Even gave me his WeChat contact so he can hang out with me in Beijing.

Even the Panda Express here closed down because locals found the food too "spicy."

Even when my parents were broke, they still put something under the tree.

Every Chinese parent loves to brag about their kids.

Every Chinese person's been to Vegas. It's our Mecca.

Everybody has to go. There's only one way in or out.

Exactly. But... But did we though?

Excuse me?

Excuse me.

Excuse the reach.

Eyes over here.

Fan Bingbing must have been drinking too much Moutai

Fan Bingbing. He'll go crazy. Fan Bingbing.

Fantastic.

Feel like I've been going out of my mind with nobody to talk to

Fine. Fine.

Fine. Good. Everything's good. Yeah.

Focus up. Focus up, please.

For both nations' astronauts?

For elder statesmen.

For fuck's sake. Come on.

For God's...

For ignoring an executive order to attack the Chinese on the moon.

For some mysterious reason, she ghosts me.

For the next generation. For Jing, for Erin.

For weeks, everything tasted like jerk sauce.

For you the flag is flung For you the bugle trills

Found out, and he sent me the list of possible replacements.

From the different documents and testimony submitted today, General Naird,

From the moment we met, he's always wanted to be in command.

Fuck you!

Fuck you.

Fuck, I know. I know.

Fuck!

Fuck!

Full of diet cream soda, will ya?

Gānbēi.

General Gao, welcome to Space Force.

General Grabaston did have a plan,

General Grabaston had detained me and my team against our will.

General Grabaston, do you have a final statement?

General Grabaston, your blatant disregard for human life

General Gregory, General Grabaston has accused you

General Gregory, they're ready for you.

General Naird believes, and I believe as well,

General Naird has something to tell you.

General Naird is the only man who could tell Putin,

General Naird, are you aware

General Naird, he gave me an opportunity to go to the moon.

General Naird, howdy.

General Naird, please follow me.

General Naird, until further notice, you will remain in command of Space Force,

General Naird, with a new administration comes a new budget,

General, has anyone ever told you

General, how did it go, sir?

General, how old is your son?

General, to be safe, you should coat your tongue with cod liver oil.

General, what do you say we put our differences aside

Get it out.

Give Dr. Zhang a piece of real American space history.

Give it up for Captain Angela Ali.

God. What...

Good choice. Is that cranberry?

Good looking guy too.

Good luck with that.

Good news. Anybody hungry? Because I sprung for lunch.

Good point.

Gotcha now.

Great. This is what's gonna happen now.

Guys, there's plenty of air. Air's not going anywhere.

Ha!

Has small feet,

Have ever come as generously armed as I.

Haven't I seen him in the movies?

He always thinks of others before himself. He's a good dad.

He disobeyed a direct order and fled the premises.

He doesn't know me. He doesn't know what I'm going through.

He got all the way home before he realized he'd left me at my mom's prison.

He is a good actor.

He just turned ten.

He makes these very weird sounds, like...

He or she has a friend in the Pentagon,

He skipped two grades. That is what we are most proud of.

He spoke his first words.

He started it.

He wears a size eight shoe.

He's a real astronaut, you imbecile.

He's cool.

He's definitely a great general.

He's gassing you up so you'll let your guard down, then, "Ffft!"

He's gonna steal your girl. It's a classic move.

He's the only person to ever beat me in Uno. On the moon.

He's weak.

Hello, Captain Lancaster. This is General Naird.

Hello, Dr. Zhang.

Hello.

Heroes. Rosa Parks.

Hey, be honest. Do you think she's seeing another guy?

Hey, can we all stop whispering our questions?

Hey, do you have any real evidence of this?

Hey, don't worry. sweetie.

Hey, Dr. Lim. What's up?

Hey, he was a good guy. Got a raw deal.

Hey, I brought you a Tico's pineapple seltzer.

Hey, it's cool.

Hey, just wanted to say hello to "Space Farce."

Hey, you should buy her some of those chile picante Corn Nuts.

Hey! Go Buffaloes.

Hey.

Hey. Back in the room. Here we go. Thank you.

Hi, Brad!

High level astrophysicist. He's an Olympic triathlete.

Highly decorated General Gao. Got the head of science, Dr. Zhang.

His pronouns are he/him.

Hmm.

Hmm.

Hmm.

Honestly kinda sounds like he's killing Kick,

Honey, we talked about this.

Hope you brought your "McAppetites."

How about a trade school? Concrete pouring is very hot these days.

How about you, sir,

How are you holding up?

How are you? Oh, quick question, if you don't mind. What time is it?

How can you drink that swill?

How can you guys just sit still? Doesn't your skin feel weird? Huh?

How come I didn't end up in jail?

How did that go?

How did you know that?

How do you feel about that? You like cement? That interest you?

How much do I have to invest?

How slashed are we talking about?

How would you know about that?

How's my boy? I haven't held him since he was born.

How's prison going?

Howdy.

Huh?

Huh?

I "Mou tied" one on. Okay, pull over, hon.

I agree. Gossip is the Devil's telephone.

I am not a hero, but you know who is a real hero?

I am not gonna remember any of this.

I am not in the mood for your NASA bullshit.

I am not perfect.

I asked about your original testimony.

I can say with some certainty that I am only two or three of those things.

I can stop whenever I want. It's not even that big a deal.

I can't believe that worked.

I can't... Now... Did she nod?

I could DM her right now and find out.

I could use my college fund.

I couldn't get the Executive executive suite.

I did it. [chuckles]

I didn't have eggs for breakfast. Huh. Probably a story there.

I didn't say anything.

I didn't... I didn't realize you had a cat.

I do.

I do. Two military superpowers were on the moon together.

I don't do laundry.

I don't give you enough credit.

I don't have my phone to tell for sure, but...

I don't know anybody who doesn't love buying new clothes,

I don't know if this helps or not,

I don't know what he's dreaming about, but, um, it sounds like he's being chased

I don't know. Let's join in. Here we go.

I don't know. She just left.

I don't need any of that. I know how to hold my liquor. Everybody out.

I don't regret it. I'd do it again.

I don't think this is such a good idea.

I don't understand it.

I don't wanna... I don't wanna stop.

I don't want you to see... Ugh. All right. I wanna go to sleep.

I ended up in a quinceañera dressed as Abraham Lincoln.

I ended up using butter. On my muffin. Just as good.

I gotcha. I gotcha.

I guess I've heard worse ideas.

I guess. I mean, if you're into, uh, tall astrophysicists, you know.

I had an English muffin with orange marmalade.

I had to take you back to prison because you can't just escape from prison.

I have a toast.

I have no connection to this bird.

I have some info you might be interested in.

I have some very bad news to impart.

I heard "Earth." You said "Earth." Right? She said Earth, everybody.

I just... I just buy new clothes,

I knew it.

I know it'll work. Baby, I know it'll work.

I know that you are all sacrificing, but...

I know you would've saved it if you could've.

I know, I know, I know, Adrian.

I know. If I were Angela, I would choose him over me too.

I know. Well, I'm sorry about the Mars mission.

I laid an egg.

I learned a long time ago that when you point a finger,

I learned how to make a daily ration last for three weeks.

I like sleep.

I like to say, "With General Naird,

I literally owe my life to him.

I look like an idiot out here.

I love him a lot.

I love muffins.

I love that answer.

I mean, 'cause you and I both know what went down was not exactly ideal.

I mean, he could be having a heart attack and somebody's reviving him, you know?

I mean, he was the star witness for the prosecution at my mom's court case.

I mean, I will go on, because then I'm not sorry, actually.

I mean, it's a junior executive suite.

I mean, Kick has been in there a while.

I mean, some women prefer shorter men who haven't been on the moon.

I mean, you're programmed to do one thing,

I need to collect your phones before you testify.

I promise I won't start an international incident like you almost did.

I put my boots on the moon,

I saw you vomit into the umbrella plant.

I see. Well, thank you. We're very happy.

I should probably call an ambulance now, get it out of the way.

I showered and shaved.

I slept.

I spent $600 on a makeover.

I spent some time over at Guangzhou for my term abroad.

I still have time for a drink.

I think I just need a vacation from talking about the moon.

I think I'm gonna send it with a singing emoji.

I think mine's worse.

I think that's a Florida thing.

I think we have to blow off a little steam while we wait for the verdict.

I think we should honor our guests with an authentic Chinese banquet.

I thought you asked how I lost my testicle.

I took several pieces of Halloween candy out of a bowl that said "take one."

I tried parasailing once in Cancún,

I understand we're a high security place, but...

I upgraded the room with points. I got the Garden View.

I want you to smile, to be polite.

I was really proud of you tonight.

I was thinking that maybe later you and I could fire up a couple of those bad boys

I wasn't the same when I came back from Jamaica.

I will do that right now.

I will try the crab legs if I ever get over there.

I will.

I would go to war for him with anybody

I would have sex with you over him any day of the week.

I would just like to say congratulations on your new position,

I would like to hear a "Space Force spirit" on three.

I would like to propose a toast to our esteemed guests.

I would ride you like a three legged camel.

I would've spent the last few minutes of my life "Black on the moon"

I wouldn't hang up on me if I were you, Adrian.

I... I can't actually believe I'm saying this,

I'll be fine.

I'll make sure they put your dad in a jail cell close to your mom.

I'll need your red line reductions by midday.

I'll show the ant brained dunce a great time.

I'm also a military man, Dr. Mallory.

I'm an astronaut.

I'm done with it today, okay? I'm done. I'm not a hero.

I'm glad someone finally said what we're all thinking.

I'm glad you're enjoying it.

I'm gonna be off to the side feeding you lines.

I'm gonna need you to stop comparing my experience on the moon

I'm guessing.

I'm helping with this.

I'm just making an observation because I'm a scientis...

I'm leaving.

I'm not sure if you're aware of it or not,

I'm not sure she would even be able to come.

I'm not.

I'm really... [exhales]

I'm sorry you got roped into all of this.

I'm sorry, but there's no way you studied abroad and are still the way you are.

I'm sorry. I'll...

I'm sorry. Oh God.

I'm sorry. You were sort of lost in thought there.

I'm trying to say that Naird's a noble dude.

I'm... Fine. I'm fine.

I'm... It's not gonna... It's fine.

I've told you that a whole bunch of times.

If it wasn't for Mark Naird.

If it's on the Internet, I can find it.

If that were cut, it would crush him.

If this thing doesn't go my way, Maggs, what's gonna happen to Erin?

If we look back at quadrant one here, when you see the...

If you go to jail,

If you want,

In America, when you tap the table,

In China, they never discuss business right away.

Incompetent, fragile, eccentric,

Indecisive, and potentially treasonous.

Into the custody of General Grabaston.

Is a copy of the official list of candidates enough evidence for you?

Is it hard adjusting to the spotlight?

Is it the "B"? Is it the sev... Hey.

Is it?

Is that bad?

Is that Bruce Willis?

Is that Mom?

Is that my baby?

Is this really necessary?

It has to be done. Do you want me to do this?

It illuminates the exteriors

It inflates your... your intestine like a balloon, and that...

It is a pleasure to meet you and your lovely family.

It is buttermilk passed through a baby's bottom.

It is nice outside. Uh...

It is normal. Absolutely.

It is not good physically.

It is not. Think about it.

It was a reckless scheme

It was long.

It wasn't easy, but I think we made our target.

It would be my honor to take care of Erin.

It would be my pleasure.

It'll all be worth it when I finally set foot on Mars.

It'll make visiting day with your parents more convenient.

It's a nice gesture, and it's romantic. In a mildly spicy way.

It's a regional favorite.

It's a sign of respect.

It's a sign you want the blackjack dealer to give you another card.

It's basically our version of the violin.

It's been suggested that you are unstable,

It's gorgeous. It's got two strings. It's made out of python skin.

It's Jerome's cat, really.

It's just a snack, Adrian.

It's kind of wild being back, huh?

It's mostly public domain Christmas music.

It's not a good sign. [sighs]

It's not our business if they yiffed or didn't yiff.

It's okay.

It's okay. I'll do it. It's my job. [clears throat]

It's our food too!

It's probably my fault.

It's quite the special occasion.

It's totally normal behavior for an astronaut.

It's very confusing.

It's what I do.

It's, like, the most important.

It's... It's everywhere I go.

Jeez. It's a quasar. It's the fastest rotating object in the universe.

Jesus.

Jing?

Just depends on how rich you wanna get. Takes money to make money.

Just say that she is taking some time for herself.

Just trust me. I've eaten one.

Karaoke machine!

Kick, we have to do something. The astronauts are running out of air.

Know how you fix your phone in rice?

Ladies and gentlemen, without any further ado,

Legal proceedings are a combat of the mind,

Lemme hear a question. I know you got a good one.

Let alone keep my command.

Let me tell you a little story.

Let me walk everyone through the timeline one more time. Okay?

Let's go!

Let's go.

Like a Days Inn?

Like I care. 'Cause that extra three weeks would be insufferable.

Like selling our governments' bullshit propaganda?

Listen, I know she's a hero,

Listen, I know what you really want.

Little kids who do their homework every day.

Look at this. Model, model, model, model.

Look at this. My hand is actually cramped on top of the phone.

Look, everybody, I know that it's tough.

Look, I'm gonna be real with you. I feel like I'm having a hard time.

Look, we just have to find ways to pinch pennies.

Looking up at all those dead branches.

Louise is my mom's lover.

Love daddy."

Maggie, long time no see!

Mallory yawns.

Mark Naird is a man of questionable fashion sense

Mark Naird.

Mark, maybe we should pay a coach to put her on the soccer team.

Mark, you got this. I love you.

May I ask how long that's been there, sir?

May our friendship be as great as your wall.

Maybe a teaspoon of yeast in some yogurt. That'll break down the enzymes.

Maybe I could get her an internship at Space Force.

Maybe Independence Day?

Maybe this can be of some help.

Maybe we can share a bottle of Moutai.

Maybe you should bring your stunt double for that.

Maybe you're just lucky.

Might I be able to speak with you privately?

Mm mm.

Mm!

Mm. I, too, have skipped a few classes.

Mmm.

Mmm. How important is this?

Most definitely not all six.

Move that right out.

Mr. Scarapiducci?

Mr. Secretary, first of all,

Mrs. Naird, I'm very impressed that, as a convict,

Mrs. Naird! Ahoy hoy. F. Tony Scarapiducci here.

Much like modern Neanderthals

My boyfriend says you have to buy in now while it's cheap.

My boyfriend told me about it, and I made almost two grand in one day.

My brilliant testimony?

My country's favorite liquor.

My dad got down,

My mom is in prison.

My name will be written in history.

My nephew, he goes to a summer camp. For three weeks, they don't have any tech.

My parents have an open relationship

My sincere apologies, General.

My son once said to me,

My... Your mom is my friend.

Nah. All right. Yes.

Nah. I'm fine.

Naird has always been jealous of me.

Naird, regarding this upcoming visit with the Chinese space agency to Wild Horse,

Neighbors on Earth.

Neon is a noble gas.

Nerds of Average Science Ability.

Neurological, psychological?

No, but they got "Jingle Bells."

No, I cannot do the next interview. Or any interview.

No, I just received an unwelcome bit of news.

No, it can't... What is it?

No, Moutai's a totally different beast. One time, I drank half a bottle...

No, no, no, no, no, no. That's not gonna work.

No, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no. I don't want to see the list of po...

No, no, no, no. People tried to do that, and they went to jail.

No, of course it's not. It is round.

No, please, go on.

No, sir, I don't, but...

No, they're not foolin' around. This is a real thing.

No, wait. We'd just run out of marmalade.

No.

No.

No.

No.

No.

No. Actually, that's very sad.

No. All right.

No. I mean, he is, like, super good looking.

No. I said "congratulations."

No. I'm good. I'm good.

No. I'm... Yeah.

No. No, Brad, I want you to tell the truth.

No. No. I think it shows that you listen.

No. We're trying to figure out if Angela's into me or not.

No. You just chug a bottle of Pedialyte.

Nope. Nothin'. Nothin'.

Not for long.

Not to mention there is an astronaut up there halfway to Mars.

Not your problem, traitor.

Nothing. Just don't want a mental image of my colleagues having sex.

Now is the time where I will ask other people that same question. You, sir.

Now, as you know, Space Force is very much under the microscope.

Now, you've heard Mark Naird say he's the good guy,

O Captain, my Captain Our fearful trip is done

Of course. So, what? What are you afraid of?

Of locking him in a bathroom on the day in question.

Of our erhu.

Of so much attention since returning from the moon.

Oh boy. Uh...

Oh ho! Nasty.

Oh Jesus.

Oh my God. I am so excited you're here.

Oh my God. Is my dad really gonna go to jail?

Oh my! Very fun. I love how into it you are.

Oh no. No. No. False alarm.

Oh shit.

Oh yeah, Showtime? Try and top that. I just aced it.

Oh, and then, of course, there are the night terrors.

Oh, believe me. Mine's worse.

Oh, but wait, wait. I... Sorry. I have so many questions. Um...

Oh, come on. It's very delicate tofu.

Oh, don't worry.

Oh, Erin, Erin, Erin, Erin.

Oh, f...

Oh, I love that story.

Oh, I see. Congratulations.

Oh, I'm so nervous.

Oh, is he?

Oh, it was fine. Fine.

Oh, it's okay. I'm glad I'm here.

Oh, me? Thank you for calling on me.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Oh, okay. Thank you.

Oh, pretty little bedtime story, Naird.

Oh, right. I forgot I'm a general.

Oh, sweetie, I'm not going to prison.

Oh, thank God.

Oh, that damn liar.

Oh, that's a great idea.

Oh, the Space Jam with Michael Jordan.

Oh, ugh!

Oh, well, at least this year, we've gotten each other's name right.

Oh, well, except for the Muslim Chinese. 'Cause Mecca is their Mecca.

Oh, yay! A call!

Oh, yeah. Um... Just still, like, adjusting to being back.

Oh, you know, Louise was a cement mason.

Oh!

Oh! [sighs]

Oh! General Gao's such a nice guy.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh. All right.

Oh. Oh, I'm so sorry.

Oh. Oh, sorry. Am I interrupting something?

Oh...

Oh... Is the battery dead?

Okay, gentlemen, after much deliberation, we have come to the following verdict.

Okay, great. So everybody can relate. Thanks for your input. Thanks.

Okay, great. Well, we've established that cream soda is not to Dr. Mallory's liking.

Okay, here we go.

Okay, okay, that came out wrong. What I meant to say was...

Okay, the key thing to remember

Okay, there's been a change of plans. Listen up.

Okay, um, shall we move on?

Okay, you gotta stop. You gotta stop.

Okay? Since I got back. I'm not able to do even small things.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay. According to General Grabaston's testimony,

Okay. Dad. [laughs] You're wasted.

Okay. Get ready.

Okay. Got it. The truth.

Okay. Hey, how are my New York Jets doing?

Okay. I think the data supports a wide range of interpretations.

Okay. Midday.

Okay. Okay.

Okay. Remember our mantra, everybody.

Okay. Stop now.

Okay. We've got you, Dad.

Okay. Well, fine.

Okay. Well, here's a perfect example.

On Twitter.

On your mark, get set, go!

On your marks, set, go!

One could be having a zero gravity alcohol swab bath.

One of the few truly worthwhile regional beverages.

One of the original 12 heroic Americans

One person. Are you ready?

One time I got so altitude sick in Vail that I got hammered off of kombucha.

One year, we couldn't afford a karaoke machine,

One, two, three.

Only Angela and the bird are going to be meeting the press.

Ooh. Dr. Lim is coming?

Or he's falling or being killed or killing somebody.

Or it's just your "little birdie" bullshit?

Or POTUS will install alternative command.

Or, should I say, the violin is the bastardized Western version

Or... was there "a brief communication breakdown,

Our government does not condone that kind of behavior.

Our job today is to decide whether Space Force should continue to exist

Our relationship is a lie.

Pardon?

People who do their laundry. I don't... I don't do any of that, and I'm...

Perhaps I'll... I should... I'll stop.

Perhaps the second or third best cigar in the world.

Perhaps. Later.

Please put that printer in my car.

Please remove General Grabaston from the room.

Pow, pow, pow.

Presents to one another.

Promise me you are going to tell the truth.

Propaganda?

Proudly served for 23 years.

Pull over. Pull over. I'm gonna go... I'm gonna. I'm gonna ralph.

Quick quest for all you guardians out there.

Raising hands. Looking for a first question.

Rather a parasite that attached itself to my gills at NASA,

Really?

Really?

Really?

Remember, I was the one who said, "It's good to be Black on the moon."

Right? Oh, wait, it is. Or it was.

Right. Like, "Hey, Space Force,

Rocket stuff?

Ron Stimply, National Geographic.

See how cute this one is?

See, that's exactly what I'm talking about.

See? You made it.

Set up this little tea thing for you.

Shao Jun.

She committed tax fraud.

She is the next "shero" in our great American "herstory."

She just hasn't been her best recently.

She put him in the friend zone.

She's painfully shy.

She's quite the actress.

She's very talented.

Shh, shh. Quiet. Here it comes.

Shit. All righty. Hold on. Adrian. Adrian.

Shit. This day just keeps getting worse.

Should talk about how you're gonna drink the tea.

Should we run some more tests?

Showtime, baby.

Shut up, Xyler.

Since he... he was fishtailing...

Sir,

Sir, your phone.

So consider this your opportunity to do some pointing of your own.

So do we tell the press what happened to my bird?

So he's an indecisive hothead.

So is a pizza.

So let's think about the next interview.

So no coffee or...

So was I fired? I mean, in the end, I'm here. So...

So we all have to be on the same exact page

So we thought it might be a good idea to gather everyone together

So what remains clouded in mystery?

So you really think he's into Angela?

So, Angela returns from the moon,

So, Christmas morning, what did my dad do?

So, Mark, um...

So, speak up and use our real voices. Here we go. One more time. In the middle.

So, uh, Dr. Lim, huh?

So, uh, General Naird,

So, when he comes home, he's, like, very open to nature.

Some manners would be nice.

Some might even say a giant leap.

Something so many of us want to know...

Sorry about that. Oh my God. Are you seeing this?

Sorry. The bird kinda threw me off. Broke my concentration.

Sorry. What? Did... Uh, what was the question?

Space Force is where I work, Dad.

Space Force isn't going anywhere.

Space Force will remain under the command of General Naird.

Stand down, Brad.

Stays on the moon.

Stocks. What do we think? Like, they're good for you, right?

Stop it!

Stupid machine.

Sure, let's cut those, because it's not like we're doing rocket science here.

Sure, sure.

Sure. Um...

Sure. Yeah.

Talk to you for a sec? Um... Right.

Tell me about it. All right. Well... anyhoo, good luck with the cat.

Thank you very much, Miss, uh...

Thank you, Dear Abby.

Thank you, General Gregory.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you. Sorry about that. Here you go.

Thanks. Now I'm just picturing different pairings of people at work having sex.

That astronaut has a full head of hair though.

That bird is the bird from the moon.

That General Grabaston has accused you of false imprisonment and mutiny?

That he accuses me.

That he should be celebrated

That hurts. Unless your nickname is Corn Nuts.

That I am eager to work with both you and the new administration going forward.

That I've waited my whole existence for.

That is a high fructose people fattener.

That is a no fly zone.

That is an anchorman's earpiece. You put that in your ear.

That is an outrageous lie. I am a ten and a half.

That it's a totally different bird. I love that bird.

That kid's gonna be so fucked up.

That might help out, right?

That sounds a little too good to be true.

That sounds good. Get outside. Get some fresh air.

That they did it on the moon?

That was a huge mistake by me.

That was a pretty intense day, huh?

That woman just took my prescription office chair.

That would be enough to get her into CU Denver in a couple of years.

That you have beautiful eyes?

That your budget has been cut in half.

That, my friend in the biz, is what we call a spin. [chortles]

That's a big step.

That's a great idea.

That's a hero.

That's cool. No, I have water. So I'm okay.

That's enough, General Grabaston.

That's good. I'm gonna go in here.

That's it.

That's just too much money. I can't afford that.

That's my daughter.

That's not so much of a sin. I like having my phone on me.

That's our motto. What is going on with you?

That's root beer without the complexity.

That's so cool.

That's very creepy.

That's what I call music.

That's wonderful. That's wonderful.

That's you.

The administration is looking to replace you at Space Force.

The Chinese and American astronauts both returned home in the same capsule.

The Chinese desecrated the American flag on the moon,

The Chus? Like, the top Michelin Chinese restaurant in all of California?

The executive dining room's gone, so we're gonna brown bag it.

The hearing will start in five minutes.

The job, you know. Moving around so much.

The little birdie that told me about your budget cuts,

The little shit.

The Mars mission is canceled.

The Mars mission, that...

The moon always shows the Earth the same face.

The most attractive and intelligent press I've seen in my entire life.

The only person who could tell Xi Jinping,

The other astronauts all had previous personal or dental appointments.

The people who make chile picante Corn Nuts.

The port is near, the bells I hear

The preferred beverage in convalescent homes.

The President wants you to strike a treaty with the Chinese

The press has a love hate relationship with us.

The rest of that sentence I totally disagree with.

The same Dr. Zhang who called me a duck and is a moon landing denier?

The secret is that you have to swallow a lot of air.

The ship has weather'd every rack The prize we sought is won

The space race is the new cold war.

The truth. I'll tell the truth.

The United States will never be scared."

The whole world is watching to see if we deserve to lead it.

The woman from the cafeteria.

Then I suggest you tell him sooner rather than later.

Then I wear 'em until they get dirty, and I throw 'em out a window.

There is a reason, Brad, it was rejected by the marketplace.

There is no better person at Space Force than Mark Naird.

There it is.

There... There was a brief communication breakdown,

There's a security cam in the bathroom?

There's already a meme of you. Look at that thing go.

There's no way to sugarcoat this.

There's one item you could slash.

There's, like, a thousand memes of her. She's "Drummer Moon Girl," dude.

Therefore, you will retire your position with full honors and benefits.

They better not cancel my Mars mission.

They lock eyes, and her face is flushed red.

They love to hate us, and they hate to love us.

They threw a parade for us in six different cities.

They told me I had four months.

They were actually highly sophisticated hominids

They're professionals. Chan is a scientist.

They're ready for you, General.

Think he's actually gonna call Lance Armstrong?

Thirty six hours? [sighs]

This is a great question.

This is an art piece made by my fiancé.

This is bullshit.

This is depressing.

This is insane.

This is my daughter, Erin.

This is my wife, Siu.

This is our Space Hall of Heroes.

This isn't over, Nerd.

This point, I'd take any snack out of this fucking machine.

This whole "yahoo" mentality.

Those are the real heroes. Not me.

Three, two, one.

Thrill of a lifetime that I've...

Time to go.

To a gang member

To a gang member with your own bitch.

To a local celebrity and his acting talent.

To ensure that we share resources on the moon.

To leave American astronauts to die on the moon.

To locate my mother in a Rite Aid parking lot.

To protect our astronauts and human life

To say congratulations on becoming a grandfather for the second time.

Tony, you don't need to know what's trending.

Traveling through space alone for nine months?"

Trick your stomach into thinking that it's full.

Turned the atom itself into a weapon of war,

Twelve American astronauts had set foot on the moon...

Two points.

Typical American. Think they own everything.

Uh huh.

Uh oh!

Uh, 2:25.

Uh, do you know any fun facts about the moon?

Uh, I just don't think that they did it.

Uh, I think I'll take that one, please. Thank you.

Uh, it's March,

Uh, Mark, I... I was wondering,

Uh, no, I don't know if there's a Bonefish Grill here.

Uh, the executive chef, dining room, it's all gone.

Uh, well, no one uses emoticons anymore.

Uh, what?

Uh, yes. Hello. I do, uh, Ron Stimply.

Uh, your recollection of what happened on the day in question?

Uh...

Um, an inn?

Um...

Unacceptable.

Unbelievable. Diplomacy and cooperation.

Undermining,

Underneath the titanium surface, he's filled with neon.

University of Colorado would be lucky to have our daughter.

Very believable.

Very good actor.

Very good performance on the moon.

Very gracious of you, General. We have a gift for you as well.

Very strong union.

Wait. Is it the left one for dessert and the right one for dinner?

Wait. Those aren't Grabaston's real teeth?

Wait. What?

Was the right decision.

Was there ever a moment on the moon when you thought,

We actually used to date, uh,

We are not going to take the short end of this deal, General.

We came here to make a deal, General, so I will make it simple from my end.

We can do it in four months, sir.

We certainly weren't expecting authentic Chinese food in Wild Horse.

We deactivated satellites, cut non essential personnel.

We do not drop names until Kraft drops checks.

We don't need to talk about that.

We don't wanna come off like a bunch of cowboys.

We just need to be specific and surgical about our cuts, that's all.

We kiss, and we spend the night in the hotel room.

We lost the Mars mission.

We should invite one of the original Apollo astronauts.

We should, yeah, outside, I think. Out of the... the doors. Outside.

We understand that we are entering a period of austerity.

We were able to work together to return safely home to erp.

We were just... We were just doing our jobs. And... I don't know.

We were on the moon with you, bro. Remember us?

We will crush them, sir. We've got this in the bag.

We... We witnessed horrible, private things.

We'll see.

We're Americans. We're used to very large portions.

We're gonna go through some practice questions. I'll play the press.

We're gonna talk about the Pedialyte later.

We've all lost resources.

Wear your crown.

Weather looking good for the whole week, actually!

Weird to hear it said out loud.

Well put, Commander.

Well, agree to disagree.

Well, don't I have egg on my face?

Well, except I bet Grabaston's in there right now lying through his veneers.

Well, he had his chance that day,

Well, honey, I love her, but your mom is a felon,

Well, I absolutely, positively, 100%

Well, I guess we're not all cowboys, huh?

Well, I have a gift for you, sir.

Well, I hope you're right.

Well, I'm sorry.

Well, it was specifically designed to support my testis.

Well, it's flat, Ron.

Well, it's your word against General Grabaston.

Well, maybe this will refresh your memory.

Well, my best friend was Chinese. Back in D.C.

Well, okay, you should know that General Naird has a bit of a temper,

Well, see, I don't use emojis. I use emoticons.

Well, that's true, but what's worse? Getting the bad news first...

Well, the day started as most do.

Well, this room is a big energy suck.

Well, what do you expect? I had to let go a third of my science team this morning.

Well, you heard it here first. We're all heroes.

Well, you wanna know what's wrong with our country today?

Well, you've had a lot of fingers pointed at you today.

Weren't you fired twice by General Naird?

What a day, huh?

What a shit show.

What a stunning young lady. You must be proud.

What about lunches from the executive dining room?

What about the collected works of Alvin and the Chipmunks?

What do I tell him?

What do you think about this text?

What happens to me if you go to prison?

What has water literally ever done for me? It...

What I have in my hands right now, press schedule, all right?

What if it backfires?

What is the football term? A fumble.

What were they?

What?

What?

What?

What? Does she think I'm cheap?

What? I didn't say anything.

What? Nah, I said "Earth."

What? Oh, he's just scared he's gonna lose. That's why.

What... What is happening? [chuckles]

What's going on with that bird after the show?

What's the erhu?

What's the second yes?

Whatever happened on the moon...

When I was behind enemy lines,

When she did her taxes.

When someone is pouring you tea,

When that time comes, give Erin the signal.

When the real light of a person

Where are the other astronauts?

Where did they get you from? Are you models? You all fake press?

Where's Angela?

Whew. I thought I was gonna... Whew.

Which hotel?

Which I now know is inappropriate.

Who gives a lab rat's ass about your office chair, Brad?

Who or what did I miss the most on the moon?

Who walked on the moon,

Why are you winking at me, Brad?

Why didn't anyone tell me?

Why do guys always think a woman has to be, like, with a dude?

Why don't we go outside? Go for a walk.

Why would I wanna stop? It brings me joy and happiness.

Will do. Can't beat an open bar.

With my mouth. Watch and learn.

With the razor sharp cheekbones in the front row.

With your Jamaican vacation.

Womp womp!

Would have caused an international incident.

Wow, what a pill.

Wow! Whatever happens on the moon...

Wow! You all seem to know a shitload about Chinese culture.

Wow.

Wow. I'm picking up on some definite "you guys did it" vibes, right?

Yeah, Dr. Lim.

Yeah, get the fuck out of here, Tony.

Yeah, he's very talented and smart. He's a great guy.

Yeah, I did, huh?

Yeah, I hate those cheap, lying D.C. bean counters.

Yeah, I wanted to talk to you about the Mars...

Yeah, I've just been, you know, just, like, super busy, so...

Yeah, Jerome called. He had to put the cat down.

Yeah, maybe it's the emojis you're using.

Yeah, me too.

Yeah, my dad was crying so hard,

Yeah, no, we're, um, you know, friends.

Yeah, past 45 degrees, you look... Okay. Like...

Yeah, she's a good kid.

Yeah, she's fine. She's fine.

Yeah, this one girl in my class got so high one time,

Yeah, you know what? I definitely don't like these numbers.

Yeah! It's super great.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. Brad is definitely something.

Yeah. Busy's good.

Yeah. He's, uh, nice.

Yeah. Let's...

Yeah. Oh.

Yeah. Um...

Yeah. Um...

Yeah. We're good.

Yep.

Yes, and yes.

Yes, Brad.

Yes, General.

Yes, he is. He is a living legend.

Yes, I did, but I didn't say rub salt in the wound

Yes, I once used one of our satellites

Yes, sir.

Yes, that's me. I'm Ron Stimply.

Yes, that's what I wanted to talk to you about.

Yes, when I was a child,

Yes, you are aware?

Yes, you're gonna hate it. I hate it.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes. 20 to 30 years for herself.

Yes. Call Lance Armstrong, Brad.

Yes. Oh, he's the best.

You are so mean.

You bought a stock? Do you even know anything about stocks?

You brought me back to prison after Louise and I escaped.

You calculated for a calendar year, not the fiscal year.

You can count on me, sir.

You can go from being someone's bitch

You can use a regular office chair for your testis, Brad.

You did the crime. You have to do the time.

You did?

You don't know that.

You don't understand. I have a great respect for Neanderthals.

You don't worry about that. Do you have a question for this hero?

You found... You found that out. How did you find that out?

You got 30 minutes to make it true. Is that enough time?

You have bad news for me?

You have been called an American hero. What does the word "hero" mean to you?

You have three fingers pointed back at you.

You just did it again.

You just say what I say. You could shut off your brain for a sec.

You know as well as anybody that it's hard to serve your country

You know how headstrong these scientists can be.

You know what, sir? I could actually teach you Chinese etiquette.

You know what, sir? I'm gonna lie too.

You know what? Just rip the Band Aid off. Tell me my bad news.

You know who we have to tell about the Mars mission?

You know, I miss... I miss Earth,

You know, I'm not into Dr. Lim.

You know, I've seen a lot of press, but this has to be by far

You know, it's a lot like the military.

You know, Mr. Chu in San Francisco is an old friend of mine.

You know, nobody likes a whiner, so tell me to shut up. [chuckles]

You know, the Chinese have a tremendous respect

You know, they say the first 36 hours are the toughest, so...

You know, you can always talk to me. Hmm.

You like football?

You need to find out for sure. You gotta confront this guy.

You okay?

You okay?

You really think this is gonna work?

You should enjoy the celebration.

You should meet him outside the bathroom.

You should talk to somebody about that.

You still need to cut three months of expenses.

You think so? You don't think that's too pushy?

You two make for a very accomplished couple.

You wanna know why General Naird is the only man for this job,

You wanna lightly tap the table with two fingers.

You wanna make sure you use both hands to receive and give gifts.

You want a better life for your daughter.

You will have five months to prove yourself,

You, sir, in the back.

You'll be fine. You always do the right thing, Mark.

You're America's queen.

You're in our ship! You're eating our food!

You're not a Fabergé egg.

You're not gonna eat that bird because that bird is Pella's precious pet.

You're not gonna use it?

You're not making it less creepy.

You're overthinking it.

You're right. I don't.

You're sucking up our air! That's American air!

Your Candy Land budget is cut.

Your daughter is lovely, General. You're a lucky man.

Your daughter is very charming.

Your Jets are going to the Super Bowl!

Your muffin isn't.

Your ratio of text to response is five to one.

Your work is important to your country.

2:25. And what's trending right now?

3D printers for on site rover repair. That can be cut.

60/40 split on the Sea of Tranquility, but we keep the H2.

60/40, you can have 20% of H2.

70/30 for us, and we split the H2 50/50.

...shines most from within. ...shines most from an inn.

"Did it"? Yiffed.

[all cheer] [overlapping chatter]

[Angela] She's a kid, you asshole. [door slams]

[Angela] Um... I haven't really talked to you

[Angela] Yep. Okay.

[beeps] Hmm?

[bird whistles] Was there any tension

[Brad plays squeaky notes] [glass clinking]

[Brad] Happy holidays. Merry Christmas. Whoa.

[Brad] Hello. Hey, Brad?

[Brad] Yeah? [Tony] Who you talkin' to, bud?

[cell phone chimes, vibrates] [sighs]

[cell phone vibrating] [sighs]

[Chan scoffs] [Angela sighs]

[Chan] But it's March. [Mark] Come on in!

[Chan] Just... I can't do it.

[Chan] Tony. What?

[cheering] Yes!

[chuckles] I know.

[chuckles] Okay. Sorry.

[door slams] Hmm.

[Erin] Oh! [Brad grunts] Oh, General.

[excited chatter] [Angela] Come on, come on!

[flatly] Yes, let's do it. I'm so ready.

[Gao exhales] [Mark sighs]

[gasps] No! I'm sorry.

[grunts] Yeah.

[heaves] [Erin] You okay?

[inspirational music playing] Boom.

[kicking continues] Okay.

[laughs] Oh my. They're probably gonna win.

[laughs] Yeah. Those are your toes. There they are. That was a good night.

[Mallory whispers] Oh, oops. [Mark exhales]

[Mark burps] Ugh.

[Mark laughs] [Erin chuckles]

[Mark sighs] Never knew we had so many guards.

[Mark sighs] So, um,

[Mark] All right. Okay. Come on.

[Mark] Here we go! All right. You ready?

[Mark] Hmm. But Erin is a very special young lady,

[Mark] I got it. [Erin groans softly]

[Mark] Oh... Gingerly, gingerly, gingerly...

[Mark] Okay. You're out of control.

[Mark] You're welcome. Wait, I can't find any dance music.

[mic feedback] Welcome! Hello, everybody. Take a seat.

[overlapping protests] What's wrong with this guy?

[people gasping] [camera clicking]

[regular voice] Well... That's my bad.

[sighing] [machine whirring softly]

[sighs] You?

[soft guitar notes play] You did a great job.

[softly] Oh! They're standing. I can see that.

[softly] Who is that? It's a famous Chinese actress.

[table scraping loudly] Ow.

[taps glass] [music stops]

[Tony whispers] I'll pick up the bottom. No, I got it. I got it. I got it.

[Tony] How you doing, Captain? Great.

[Tony] I was so worried. [indistinct chatter]

[Tony] Wow. Dr. Lim. Hey.

[whispers] You have to tell him. The Jets...

A classic Chinese instrument. [Chan] Yeah.

a hero, a legend... [inspirational music playing]

A napkin? No, I'll just go commando.

A true pioneer. [table squeaks]

According to General Grabaston's testim... Butter.

Adrian... [low murmurs]

Ah. General, may I? Oh, yes, Captain. Yes.

All right. She's also her guard.

Another? Why not?

Are you ready? Yeah.

Better? Yeah. Fine.

Big win. Big win for Space Force. Yeah. [chuckles]

Brad, Erin? Yeah.

Brad, you magnificent bastard. Thank you, sir.

Brad. Hmm? What?

But not too much. That's way too much.

but you can't shoot them. Can't shoot them.

Buying a muffin? I am, yes.

Can we skip ahead? [Mark] Of course.

Come on! Yes!

Confusing. Yeah.

Congratulations, Mark. Great job. [excited chatter]

Cool. Thank you, General.

Cucumbers. No, no, no.

Damn! What up?

Definitely not. Definitely.

Definitely not. Say, "Definitely not."

Did I? Yes.

Dismissed. [softly] Oh fuck. I always do that.

Do we have any other jams or jellies? [Erin] What?

Don't know that I can be alone. Gotta push my cameo.

Don't need to know. Just curious. It's fine. He's fine.

Dr. Mallory? You're up. Ah.

Eat poop. That's enough, Kick.

Feels good to have a win. Yeah.

First. Second. I think it's second.

Forever learning. Forever learning. Yes.

Fuck y... [hangs up]

Funny thing about a spotlight. [Angela repeating verbatim]

General Naird. That was... [exhales heavily]

General? [Mark] Yes.

Go ahead. Okay. Yep.

Go ahead. Whew. Can I... Okay.

Go! Go!

Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

God, you are drunk. Oh man. Okay. Pull over, honey.

Great question. Great answer. [bird whistles]

Great work. Congratulations.

He relates better... Fuck your nephew. Fuck your nephew.

He told me not to talk about that. Thank you for your time, Ms. Naird.

Hello, Captain Lancaster. How are you? Hello.

Hey, Dad. Hey, honey.

Hey. Hey, hon.

Hey. Hi.

How will I be able to know about things? [Chan] You can do this, buddy.

How will I be able to tell time? I have a watch.

Howdy. And my son, Jing.

I can't. Fuck!

I cannot handle the word "hero." No? What are you doing?

I know. No, it was amazing. Look at this.

I know. We don't need to talk about that.

I look... You look Japanese.

I love you too, Maggs. Love you so much.

I need to stop talking about the moon. Okay. All right.

I tried to warn you... Yes. No! Say no!

I was born ready. I don't know if you can handle this.

I... I can't do this. Yes, you can.

I'm a Bonvoy Rewards member. [both] Mmm.

I'm not finished yet. All right.

I'm not saying no because it's yes. Please! Say no.

I'm on the couch. Oh! All right. Let's take your shoes off.

I'm so happy. Fantastic.

I'm sorry. [Mallory sighs]

Immediately you put it in your mouth? I don't know.

is family's extremely important. That's right.

Isn't that from I Love Lucy? That's where I saw it. Huh, great minds.

It is! Let's try and get Lance Armstrong.

It's a fantastic idea. Yes. They would love her!

It's structured. You get uniforms. Hmm.

Just left. Left. It's just boring.

Just told 'em the truth. Oh no.

Like who? Chan on Angela. Brad on Angela.

Maybe it's easier if I keep it. Just give her the phone, son.

Merry Christmas. Nice.

Mm hmm. Mm hmm.

Mmm. Very smooth. [Gao exhales]

My parents were having a tough year. [rattling]

Nice to be outside. Yeah.

Nice. You got McNuggets, you spoiled brat.

Night terrors? Yes. My dad has them when he sleeps.

No way he can handle the Moutai. Mm.

No, but I told you my news was worse. Oh...

No, I'm fine. Dad!

No, no, mine is worse. I told you.

No, no. Of course not. What?

No! Yes.

No? No.

No. No?

No. I'm sorry. I can't do this. Serena Williams.

No. No. Hmm.

Not! Not.

Now? Sure. Mm hmm.

Oh God. I'm gonna... I'm gonna ral...

Oh God. Pull over. I gotta go. It's gonna happen.

Oh, come on! Yes, come on.

Oh, come on. Oh, yes. Yes.

Oh, God. Science can't be nickeled and dimed.

Oh! I gotcha.

Oh! Oh yeah!

Okay, watch out. Okay, be careful. Here we go, go, go, go, go.

Okay. And then you wanna take a little bow.

Okay. I need a little couchy wowchy.

Okay. Let's do that.

Ooh! Oh no. You look like Quasimodo.

Ooh. [low chuckles]

Ready? Are you ready?

Really? Yes.

Remember that? Yeah.

she walked through a sliding glass door. Wow.

since the day you got back from the moon. [chuckles]

Sir? Hmm?

So... Mm!

Super nice guy. Great.

Sure. Away from people.

Talk to you so soon. Bye!

Thank you. Thanks.

Thanks though. Oh, cool.

Thanks. Sorry. "We're all heroes"?

That is correct. Ah ha! Guilty!

That's great. Ah!

That's normal. No, it is not.

That's not the issue. [Kick] Hey!

The other one floats in accidentally... Okay.

There's one thing I don't understand. What's that?

There's plenty of food too. We're fine! And poultry.

They have an intimate moment together. Super specific.

They're probably gonna give you a gift. Yes.

This is a great... Yeah, thank... Thanks for asking.

Those are just people you work with, Dad. Hashtag blessed.

Tony, get the fuck out of my face. What?

Trying to jazz it up a bit. [Angela sighs]

Very good looking. And they're both astronauts.

Wait. No, no, no, no, no, no. No!

Wait. So you and Angela are like dating? That's what we're trying to figure out.

Wanna watch a funny video? [whispers] Sure.

We are totally screwed. He can't not tell the truth.

We believe in you. Yeah, I know.

We did it. We did it, honey. Yeah? All right.

We're national heroes. Ugh.

Well, I'm Chinese. All right. I have to cram.

Well, just... It's different.

Well... It's... Or first.

What else are they taking next? [sighs]

What is happening? [satisfied sigh]

What is up? All right, fine, fine, fine.

What the hell? What is wrong with you?

What? Tony.

What? What?

What's the verdict? No verdict yet.

What's wrong with Chan? What's wrong with scientists?

Where did you get that photo? It's what I do.

Why didn't you give her your phone? Because I'm a four star general.

Within. [reporter] Ah. Within.

Within. Sorry. I made a mistake. Within. Sorry. I made a mistake.

Wow! "Party Rocker Max."

Yeah, sure did. Okay.

Yeah? Mm hmm.

Yeah? Okay. Thank you. There are my toes.

Yeah. [Mark] Okay, so a small bow.

Yeah. [table bangs]

Yeah. Okay, follow me.

Yeah. Yeah?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yes.

Yeah. I can eat my muffin out there. Do you want a bag for that?

Yep. [sighs] Oh.

Yes! That's a great idea. I have the Panda Express on speed dial.

Yes. That's a great idea.

You don't gulp. You sip. Wait, wait, wait.

You got it. [chuckles] [clicking]

You know what he's doing, right? What?

You know when I've hit my limit. Yes.

You know who's funny? Who?

You know, when I used to have friends. Wow! Friends. I have some friends.

You see a guy, "Are you with him?" No. That's not what I'm saying.

You should bring Erin. I don't know if that's a good idea.

You want some water, son? Fuck water!

You're a flight risk. [astronauts gasping]

You're not even close. Wha...

...and then they touch,

...bar. The Mars bar. Does this machine have a Mars bar?

...t.

...the guardian of Space Force,

'Cause you had some intergalactic crisis.

'Sup?

'Sup?

"Drummer Moon Girl" is trending right this second.

"Erp"?

"Get scootin'."

"Hey, Captain Lancaster, you know the bone mass you lost

"Hey, oh, there's Moon Girl. Sign my husband's back."

"Hmm," meaning?

"I might not be coming home."

"I...

"Just because you are the general at work

"Moon bird" is the number one thing, and nobody has figured out

"O Holy Night."

"Well, it was all for nothing. Enjoy your osteoporosis."

"What does that mean, Tony?" Let me explain it to you.

"You can't do that thing."

[agreeable murmurs]

[all cheering]

[all chuckle]

[all laughing, clapping]

[all singing] ♪ We wish you a merry Christmas ♪

[all] ...stays on the moon.

[Angela] Fuck.

[Angela] It's fine. We just have to stay calm, or else we're going to die.

[Angela] Oh. Sorry.

[Angela] We have to stay calm or...

[Angela] Yeah, probably.

[applause]

[applause]

[both chuckle]

[both sigh]

[both] Merry Christmas.

[both] Mm hmm.

[Brad and Mark] Space Force spirit!

[Brad giggles on recording]

[Brad resumes playing normally]

[Brad sighs]

[Brad stops playing music]

[Brad] Oh my God.

[Brad] Ooh.

[cell phone vibrating]

[Chan] How've you been?

[Chan] Well...

[Chan] Yep. Red bean cake.

[chuckles ruefully]

[chuckles]

[chuckles]

[chuckles]

[chuckles] How about Brown? I'm a legacy.

[chuckles] It's a very, very important project for Dr. Mallory.

[chuckles] No.

[chuckles] Talk is cheap, General. I'll see you in four months.

[chuckling]

[chuckling] Hey.

[classic Western dueling music plays]

[clears throat emotionally]

[clears throat]

[clothes thudding against branches]

[continues soft melody]

[door opens]

[door opens]

[door shuts]

[door shuts]

[door shuts]

[dramatic Western music playing]

[drumming]

[enunciating] Did you finish all the marmalade?

[enunciating] Do we have any other jams or jellies?

[Erin chuckles]

[Erin sighs]

[Erin sighs]

[Erin] All right. Let's go. Be careful.

[Erin] God!

[Erin] Mmm.

[Erin] Oh yeah. I guess so.

[Erin] What?

[excited chatter]

[exclaims excitedly]

[exhales]

[exhales]

[exhales]

[exhales]

[exhales]

[gagging dramatically]

[Gao exhales dramatically]

[Gao taps knuckles on table]

[Gao, softly] Ah...

[Gao] This looks wonderful.

[Gao] Very good football player.

[giggles]

[girl on phone] Not a thing.

[girl on phone] Prepare to get rich, girl.

[glasses clink]

[grunting]

[heaving]

[in English] ...by 1972.

[in English] So, General, how was your flight?

[in Mandarin] Hollywood star.

[in Mandarin] Wig.

[indistinct chatter]

[indistinct chatter]

[inspirational music playing]

[jet engines power down]

[K pop ringtone playing]

[Kick] Get out of my way. Me first.

[Kick] Let me out of here right now!

[Kick] That will not be necessary.

[Kick] What the fuck?

[laughing]

[laughing] Thank you so much. You did an amazing job.

[laughs]

[laughs]

[laughs]

[laughs]

[laughs]

[laughs] Guys, this is great. Hi! Hi!

[laughs] I remember when Erin was ten. She was such a little peach.

[loud drumming]

[loud rock drumming]

[machine rattling]

[Mallory sighs]

[Mallory] Dr. Zhang?

[Mallory] Mariah Carey.

[Mallory] Oh, boy.

[Mallory] Oops.

[Mallory] Told ya.

[Mallory] Who?

[man whistling tune]

[man] Fuck you.

[man] Yeah, well, Adrian, a little birdie told me

[Mark breathes shakily]

[Mark growls softly]

[Mark sighs]

[Mark whispers] Ten.

[Mark] Ah. Sleep is good.

[Mark] All right. All right.

[Mark] Hmm.

[Mark] Mm.

[Mark] Oh!

[Mark] We would like to thank you for coming here

[Mark] What the fuck are you doing?

[Mark] Yeah, "Oh, boy."

[military style march playing]

[moans]

[monkey shrieking on video]

[mumbling]

[normal voice] Tom Brady.

[overlapping murmurs]

[phones chiming]

[playing Chinese folk song on erhu]

[regular voice] So, how about that Fan Bingbing?

[retching]

[rocket engine whooshing]

[rocket engine whooshing]

[rocket engine whooshing]

[rumbling]

[rumbling]

[rumbling]

[sad violin music playing]

[scoffs]

[scoffs] Great.

[shaky harmonizing] ♪ And a happy New Year ♪

[shoes thumping below]

[sighs heavily]

[sighs heavily] 70/30 on H2. Final offer.

[sighs]

[sighs]

[sighs] General Gao. Uh...

[sighs] I believe that was a stress related meltdown.

[snort chortling]

[snorting]

[soft guitar notes continue]

[soft marching tune plays]

[softly] I, uh... I think Chan and Angela did it.

[softly] Jesus Christ.

[softly] Just use your... Just use a fork.

[softly] Let's go home, honey.

[softly] Mayday! Mayday! Extract the asset.

[softly] Sir, slow down.

[softly] What the fuck are they wearing?

[speaks Mandarin]

[suspenseful music playing]

[suspenseful music playing]

[theme music playing]

[theme music playing]

[theme music playing]

[thuds]

[Tony inhales sharply]

[Tony sighs]

[Tony] I'll help you out. Just get down...

[Tony] Let me borrow your phone!

[Tony] Make it bigger. Just make it bigger.

[Tony] Okay, we just got a list of the Chinese delegates that are attending,

[Tony] There it is.

[Tony] Very good. Let's start it off.

[Tony] What? Stop that.

[Tony] You don't have to leave. We have dessert coming. No?

[upbeat marching tune plays]

[voice breaking] Yeah.

[voice breaks] And I think that sometimes...

[voice grows distant] That is a Twinkie in a liquid form.

[Western dueling music continues]

[whimpers loudly]

[whispering] Ask him about Fan Bingbing.

[whispering] Oh, that's right. Fan Bingbing Wesley Sniped in China.

[whispering] Tom Brady.

[whispers] I might as well just burn a cross on his lawn.

[whistles]

[woman] Captain Ali.

[woman] To be honest, her grades aren't great.

[Xyler] Mariah Carey.

[yells]

[zip ties tightening]

♪ ...and a happy New Year ♪

♪ And a happy New Year ♪

♪ And a happy New Year... ♪

♪ We wish you a merry Christmas ♪

♪ We wish you a merry Christmas ♪

♪ We wish you a merry Christmas ♪

♪ We wish you a merry Christmas ♪

♪ We wish you a merry Christmas ♪

♪ We wish you a merry Christmas ♪

1995 Super Bowl champs. All right.