Umbrella Academy (2019) - Season 3 Edit

A big part of who I am.

A couple flames from Mr. Burns over here.

A couple hours.

A couple of 'em, actually.

A family.

A feeling? Aren't you retired?

A few lobsters,

A giant ball of obligation I've been pushing uphill my entire life.

A group of scheming, perfidious malcontents

A hearty breakfast should bring you a bright start to your day.

A human being that belongs to somebody else.

A little stiffer than I expected, but we gotta start somewhere, I suppose.

A man is not a man until he slays the demons of his youth.

A miracle.

A mother veiled, her lips concealed.

A new proposal.

A normal life of groceries and taxes? You would die of boredom.

A shaman brings his disciples to a sacred cave.

A sound of its own.

A symbol thought to have magical powers.

A villain.

A week.

A whole world,

About the man I was.

About the mothers.

About… being Number One. [scoffs]

Absolute wankers.

Absorb her into your bosom.

Absorb her.

Accept my apology?

Across all existence till nothing's left.

Act of war? Death wish?

Actual death experiences.

Actually, appreciate some… solitude.

Actually, he did blow up half his family.

Actually, I do.

Actually, she's got you there.

Actually, what I'm here to discuss… is deadly serious.

After Marcus disappeared, Ben led us on a mission to take them down.

After that, I just

After the speeches.

After you lied about it to my face.

Again, Harlan not with us.

Again!

Again! [grunts]

Again! Catch!

Again.

Agreed.

Ah shit!

Ah shit!

Ah, ah, ah.

Ah, classic defense mechanism.

Ah, don't underestimate the damage that man can do at a family meeting.

Ah, here it is.

Ah, I see you've gone for the oversized button down. Original.

Ah, so desperate it is.

Ah, yes.

Ah! [chuckles]

Ah! To protect it from people who want to use it for nefarious means.

Ah.

Ahhh!

Ain't no Pogo here, pumpkin.

Alakazam… ghosties.

All because a different me was unkind to his children.

All dead. All dead. All dead.

All I'm saying is,

All my "life," I've been a loser, I've been a freak,

All of existence will be gone by the end of the day,

All of it, please. Yes, yes.

All of space and time is collapsing, and you lot are planning a wedding?

All of us here together.

All of you could learn a thing or two from this impressive young man.

All of you, just get out!

All of your stupid myths and stories.

All permutations of yourself can exist.

All right, all right. You say nice things about me now.

All right, but could you just please tell me

All right, but I told you, I can't control how long I'm dead.

All right, enough. [grunts]

All right, fine.

All right, good luck.

All right, great talk.

All right, keep a watch out for me, grasshopper.

All right, let's go.

All right, so now the fun starts.

All right, that's it. [grunts]

All right, that's it. Knock off the power shit, Allison.

All right, well, since she said yes,

All right, what…

All right, you can keep the panties.

All right, you two have tons in common.

All right?

All right? No harm, no foul.

All right? Not just any paradox.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right. No need to get your knickers in a twist there.

All right. Peace and love, peace and love. Here I come.

All right. Well, screw it, I tried.

All that will be left is…

All the more reason to face them.

All these stories are the same.

All this time and energy

All those bottled up emotions.

All those years I stayed loyal to you.

All we ever do is save the world for a day,

All you have to do is just pop to the side such as this.

All your dreams have been quashed.

All your plans run aground, and the worst of it?

Alleged dad.

Alleged spawn.

Allison killed Harlan, and I united the families.

Allison, come on. How do we do that?

Allison, get up! Let's go!

Allison, please.

Allison, please.

Allison, you go with the Umbrellas. Sparrows, stick together.

Allison?

Allison?

Allison?

Allison.

Allison.

Allison…

Allow us a new start.

Almost the exact same thing happened to me.

Alone?

Along with a few other billion people.

Along with the bodies of Jayme and Alphonso.

Alphonso, cuatro.

Alright, so, whatever you do, do not ring this bell.

Also, just like on a motivational scale of one to, like, Braveheart…

Always.

Am I just surrounded by morons?

Am I right?

Amen to that.

Amen.

An expensive bottle of wine.

Ancient people believed

And Whoa. Lila, this isn't a contest, okay?

And a shit ton of cows!

And after losing her, I realized…

And all I wanna do is go out and buy a 1970s Corvette Stingray.

And also, he's got this whole plan to save the universe.

And around and around we go.

And as a welcome gift, I suggest we throw him off the roof.

And as long as you're alive,

And as their sensei, it is my job to make sure they never have to.

And being the only sober person at the wedding,

And chaos is exhausting.

And Chris has dibs on knife boy.

And consuming it whole.

And Dad recited a weirdly moving death poem.

And Dad said I'd never go to summer camp.

And deeply disappointing they are.

And destroy whatever it was that took out our mothers

And doesn't listen to anybody?

And don't join the Mothers of Agony.

And Elmer Tatelman hates his grandfather.

And filling his empty head with bad ideas.

And find mine.

And for the first time in days, I feel hope, so please don't step on that.

And for what?

And get back to your real life.

And get enough juice to jump start the case.

And he called Marcus home.

And he confirmed what I've always suspected about you.

And he locked me out of the tunnel,

And he loves us more. Boom! Done!

And he rang that stupid bell!

And he was sweet and kind until I made him like us.

And he was unjustly deposed.

And he's just stuck like this?

And he's one of us, and he's a member of the team.

And his obscenely high expectations of me.

And his own sad life.

And hold my hand.

And horses.

And how will we be paying today?

And I accept your flaws, all right?

And I am just so sorry you were one of them.

And I appreciate your concern, but I'm gonna figure it out.

And I bet you don't want the whole world watching

And I can confirm that I've never felt better in my life.

And I can't give you that.

And I can't handle another screwup, Viktor, I swear to God, I can't.

And I can't tell you the exact date

And I don't even have a picture of her.

And I expect you to do the same.

And I guess Harlan will have died for nothing.

And I know there are better places out there in the world,

And I know when you're drowning.

And I know, it's whoa PC,

And I let him get away with it.

And I never forget an ass.

And I promise we won't be so hospitable next time.

And I reached out.

And I think that someone who's… who never had a family

And I thought, you know, maybe she'd like some curated songs

And I wanted to see what kind of dad you'd make.

And I won't anymore.

And I would do anything to protect them

And I… I appreciate you trying.

And I'll check Herb's office. Little cockroach would survive anything.

And I'm amazing.

And I'm gonna call you out for a fight, just you and me.

And I'm just supposed to take your word on that?

And I'm not gonna clean a room that's not even on the list.

And I'm officially retired.

And I'm pleased to report that in my professional, expert opinion,

And I'm sorry, but I can't risk that.

And I'm telling you something terrible is coming.

And I've kind of been keeping it for a special occasion,

And if any of you hurt one hair on him, we'll come for you.

And if our family could just behave ourselves for once,

And if they have your guy, I'll send him back without a scratch.

And if they refuse?

And if we don't?

And if you need someone to blame, I'm right here

And in doing so,

And in here.

And instead…

And it all just kind of cancels out.

And it made him ridiculously easy to love.

And it would be nice to give the family something to fight for.

And it would have worked, but they had some kind of secret weapon.

And it's like pulling teeth to get anybody to actually care.

And it's something that I have to carry.

And it's telling me this is a trap.

And just like that, they're gone, and I am…

And kill his grandfather.

And let you die alone? What's the fun in that?

And long story short, I'm immortal now.

And look, look, look.

And made it home safe in time for dinner.

And more "What the hell does this have to do with us?"

And my jumps are only accurate up to a couple minutes.

And my last words were, "Don't save the world."

And my pain…

And my year of redemption hath come.

And next time you steal, I expect it to be something valuable.

And nobody's switching out those giant empty barrels of fudge ripple.

And not I don't mean our Ben, the nice Ben.

And not a good one at that.

And not do anything stupid until I get the briefcase.

And not fighting some guy with a sword and ringing bells and stuff.

And not one but two Kardashians, allegedly.

And now that the fog is lifting,

And now…

And occasionally delicious on the inside.

And on the day she died…

And on the other side

And one day, I want to see them all.

And our Ben, my Ben,

And people I love got hurt.

And remember, trust no one.

And say I'm sorry.

And secondly…

And she never gave up hope that you'd come back to us one day.

And she's called Rachel.

And sick little parlor games, okay?

And slowed down my heart rate

And so worried about fixing yours!

And stab me to death.

And stop the Kugelblitz before it starts, but we can't do that.

And that price was $35 for meth, thank you very much.

And that's inside solar systems.

And that's what retired people do.

And the baby?

And the best chance we have of resetting the universe.

And the best part of it is, she's gonna look after us,

And the best part of that family just died.

And the idiot with knives really can't sing.

And the lies?

And the man that stands in front of you is new new Ben,

And the official union

And the sooner you face that, the safer we'll all be.

And the universe can't handle it, which is a problem.

And their… their triple Salchow doggy style… whatever it is,

And then expect us to deal with the fallout.

And then I wouldn't have had to tell you about the baby

And then Sloane and I can fall in love,

And then we punch Dad a bit until he admits that we're better

And then we will all go back and fix the timeline.

And then we'll be a happy family.

And then we'll go find her.

And then what?

And then when I was finished,

And then work together to save the world.

And then you killed yourself

And then you trap it.

And then, after Dad, I had Ben haunting my every move.

And then, I guess after a while, I stopped caring myself.

And then, pop! I get back up.

And there are still no suspects at this time.

And there it is.

And there's nothing you can do about it.

And there's nothing you can do to change that!

And there's nothing…

And there's nothing…

And they don't need you to berate them any further.

And they tried to kill us.

And they will do whatever it is I ask of them.

And they will unless we come up with a plan.

And they're already broken

And they're open all night, and it's 3:00 a.m.,

And this is a buffet! I can take whatever the hell I want!

And this morning it's all family and Dad and love.

And though I can't say I know Luther all that well,

And three times ain't gonna happen 'cause I'm not a gibbering idiot.

And Viktor and Allison almost punched each other out.

And we can find another…

And we finally got there,

And we need to work together.

And we turn it back on them, and then we wipe them the hell out.

And what if I had one, and I lost her?

And what is that exactly?

And what was it?

And what? Now I'm supposed to just decide whether he lives or dies?

And what's worse, I think Allison is involved.

And whatever you decide, I'll be by your side.

And when I am, you and I will get what we came here for.

And when I was a little pissant like you, I made a promise to myself

And when I was no more use to you, you leave me to die on the floor?

And when you're done here,

And which family is that, Brutus?

And who are the weirdos on the balcony?

And why are they in our house?

And why the hell can't you just jump us out of here?

And why would I do that?

And work together on this Kugelblitz.

And you act like him, only

And you aren't the same boy you were.

And you couldn't even invite me to your stupid bachelor party.

And you did all of this yourself?

And you died too soon.

And you fucked it up.

And you know that after spending 15 minutes together?

And you showed me who you really are inside.

And you were gonna dissolve the body?!

And you?

And you'd take the word of a disgruntled chimp

And you're not gonna, like, do anything today.

And you're scared

And you're the one who founded it.

And you've grown so detached, you've lost your humanity.

And your bed squeaks.

And your entire family stood by

And your stupid family's fine, and half of mine is dead.

And your Uncle Klaus is gonna watch over you.

And, Viktor, I hope to God you never will be.

And, well, I

And… And if that doesn't work?

And… And say what? "Why did you kill my friend"?

And… we're supposed to, what?

Another silly conspiracy theory.

Another timeline?

Any inside tips on how to get your stupid brother to

Anybody know where Okay, you know what?

Anybody see you?

Anything else?

Anything else… Hmm.

Anyway, I'm Fei, Number Three.

Anyway, um…

Apart from the old rash on the tackle, but what can you do?

Apocalypse problems are the only things that get your heart pumping.

Apocalypses, plural.

Apparently, it's, like, a thing I do. Who knew, right?

Apples and trees.

Are gonna have to work together.

Are the only things that fuel the machine.

Are they all perverts?

Are we playing a game?

Are we ready to go?

Are you and Diego gonna punch it in the Kugel?

Are you both gonna come?

Are you getting tired yet? Heart's getting weaker?

Are you insane?!

Are you like Frick and Frack with the old man now?

Are you making a mixtape?

Are you okay?

Are you okay?

Are you prepared to do that again?

Are you really sure that he could kill Luther?

Are you serious?

Are you sneaking him out?

Are you sure we can't just torch the evidence?

Are you sure?

Are you sure?

Are you?

Aren't you gonna try it on? You're about Marcus's size.

Aromatic.

Art snob, huh?

As a boy, I heard the legend of the seven bells.

As crazy as it sounds, you and I have met before.

As for the rest of you, your training is to resume post haste.

As hundreds of people across the city have vanished,

As if you wouldn't climb Luther Mountain.

As much as I'd love to stand here shivving each other,

As much as I'd love to work out your anger issues right now,

As requested.

As the Dougie, baby.

As the Sparrow Academy, but they're gone now.

As we reported earlier, police have been scrambling to make se

Asshole.

At least this time, we're not aiming at each other.

At this rate of escalation, if you factor in

Auf Wiedersehen.

Authorities are baffled

Awaiting the end.

Awesome. Well, here's your next problem.

Aww!

Aww! Did you wanna be best friends?

Back away, Fei.

Back in 1963,

Back in 1963.

Back in a flash.

Back off, all right?

Back to here, the… the White Buffalo Suite.

Bad dream?

Bad touch, Luther! Bad touch!

Bah!

Be a dad, not a boss. Dad, not a boss.

Be careful, Number Two.

Be everything I was afraid to let you become.

Be good for Mommy.

Be warned, they claim to be my spawn.

Beautiful evening, isn't it?

Beautiful! Bravo, Dad! Bravo!

Beautiful.

Because behind the crazy bullshit,

Because he was a know it all.

Because I have to babysit Luther in case Allison pops off again. Okay?

Because I slaughtered a boardroom full of people

Because I would.

Because I'm a coward.

Because it's all gonna make sense really soon.

Because last time Klaus tried it, he ended up in Vietnam,

Because she's always been good to you.

Because that worked so well the first time.

Because that's not who I wanna be.

Because the new timeline will be even worse for me.

Because we got more important things to be dealing with right now!

Because we look like the damn Village People just lost a fight.

Because we were boofing Xanax and the whole business,

Because we're not our families.

Because you have an itch only an apocalypse can scratch

Because you love it.

Because you never seem to.

Because you said… you said you're retired,

Because you'd rather quit than disappoint.

Because you're a sociopath?

Because you're always screwin' things up, and you're really fuckin' tired of it!

Because you're not real.

Because you're old and tired?

Because you've been dead for 15 years.

Because your team is good.

Been looking for you.

Bees have a positive charge, flowers have a negative one.

Before I call a truant officer.

Before I forget, if you try to escape,

Before that fake apology and

Before they decide to come and rescue you.

Before you ask,

Being with Sissy…

Ben and Five are blotto drunk.

Ben died during the Jennifer incident.

Ben is calling a family meeting.

Ben is your dead uncle.

Ben needs a word.

Ben would like a word.

Ben, now's your time, boy! Quickly!

Ben, that's enough! Let her go!

Ben, they aren't working with him. They had nothing to do with the attacks

Ben.

Ben's… gone.

Beneath the wind. Every living thing has an energy wave.

Berlin, here we come.

Besides, she's family now. Kinda, sorta.

Better than ever. Just ask Diego.

Better than mine, maybe.

Better than the rest of us.

Better, but not good enough.

Big fan of Yahtzee.

Big one is strong but slow, possibly stupid.

Big problem. [sighs]

Bingo.

Birds are doing whatever the hell birds do.

Birds. In my brain.

Bitch is cruel, ain't she?

Bitch, this is our home.

Blinding orb of light?

Bloody plot twist.

Born all around the world until Dad brought us here,

Both families.

Brain hemorrhage.

Bravo.

Brazen man.

Breathe.

Briefcase is kaput.

Bring us the man who killed our siblings, and this will all be over.

British.

Brother… [makes croaking noise]

Brothers who don't eat like barn animals?

Brought me to tears, you big softy.

Brought you some breakfast.

But

But all cute and wrinkly

But all of that was a sign, you see.

But also people.

But always in the back of my mind,

But Amy Winehouse was at the top of the charts.

But aren't you supposed to help me, your son?

But clearly, we do exist,

But consistent.

But didn't he die?

But didn't he get rid of all the kid's mojo when he did all "that"?

But don't we need the big bad glow y thing in their basement?

But don't worry.

But don't worry. I'll be sure to look after her.

But first, we need to get that briefcase.

But for cool people.

But he's dead to me. It doesn't matter.

But he's in there…

But he's right about Oblivion, okay?

But honestly, what are we doing?

But I believe with all of my heart

But I can assure you our life circumstances are very different.

But I can throw you through walls for all eternity, Klaus.

But I do remember, Allison.

But I don't think you're better than me, Marcus.

But I had to.

But I have a feeling this is just the beginning.

But I must admit you're growing on me.

But I saw you with Stan, and you're a good dad.

But I see now the blame falls on me.

But I think some of us should stay back.

But I thought we'd be together when it happened.

But I want to let you know, I meant every word I said.

But I want you to know

But I want you to pass along a very important message to your family.

But I wish I had stayed.

But I'll admit I needed a break from the old dog.

But I'm a busy man, with a lot on my shoulders, okay?

But I'm here this time, and the numbers are in our favor.

But I'm not gonna go on some doomed mission

But I'm not gonna let scary ass Grandpa finish you off.

But I'm not gonna stand here and watch you try to kill yourself.

But if Elmer no longer exists,

But if his mother was never born, Elmer no longer exists.

But if I were to improve myself,

But if it were, Elmer would have placed

But if this…

But if we didn't

But if we go in there, succeed, and things go back to normal,

But if we go through the portal, we could… we could save the universe.

But if your people start taking shots at us,

But instead, I found a treasure trove of our family history

But it might take me more than 20 minutes and a traumatic brain injury

But it turns out, I die a one armed nightmare

But it wasn't enough. Feelings are just…

But it won't matter

But Jayme and Alphonso, they deserve a proper burial.

But just so you know,

But last time I checked, you don't speak for this family.

But lie to us again…

But lucky for everyone, I'm on it.

But maybe now I can have, like, a normal ish relationship

But mostly, I watch you.

But no more doing dumb shit,

But no more improvising, okay?

But only if we're smart with our next move.

But she might be God.

But she was free in a way she never was on the farm.

But Stanley can take care of himself.

But tearful reunions later.

But that didn't work.

But that remains to be seen.

But that'll change real quick if you don't do exactly as we say.

But that's what I want.

But the fact remains that we are too late.

But the love of my life is walking into hell.

But the point is that all of that was a reaction to my father

But the stone is moon rock.

But the team might.

But the whole of the universe is going down the cosmic shitter?

But their deaths have to mean something.

But then again, there are those dollar stores

But then it was also like a perfume commercial.

But there ain't no pain in the Void.

But there is a certain honesty in white hot hatred.

But they'll never improve their capabilities

But they're not back, are they?

But this is just next level!

But we are his children. This is our house.

But we haven't been formally introduced yet.

But we never tried together.

But we tried to make peace.

But we're definitely killing them in the morning, right?

But we're done here.

But we're the only superhero game in town.

But we've been Numbers Two and Three for far too long, Fei.

But what if I fail our baby like… [gasps]

But what is family? What is it?

But when will I see you again?

But whoever or whatever wove together space and time,

But will you please just hear me out?

But you could just say he's

But you gotta promise you won't be pissed.

But you risked everyone! Do you know what that felt like?

But you wouldn't understand that.

But you're

But you're a company man, down to the bone.

But you're probably gonna die. Come on.

But you're still him though!

But you're trying really, really hard to be a bad one.

But, Daddy o, we can't go in there all guns a blazing.

But, I mean, if I set this room on fire…

But, man, do I have a mission for you

But, obviously, it's now or never. Am I right, Five?

But… hating you won't bring them back.

But… it's a time traveling problem.

But… never like this.

Buy a dog,

By a bunch of blobs and cubes and birds and shit!

By a night that never ends.

By kidnapping our brother?

By the Sparrows.

By the way,

Bye.

Can I come in?

Can I get a room?

Can I get an amen?

Can I get five minutes to relax before figuring all the new kinks out?

Can I have the room?

Can I just hang out for a little while to improve my tan?

Can I just keep one thing?

Can I think about it?

Can someone explain how you got your asses handed to you in 30 seconds?

Can we all get back to saving the world now?

Can we focus? Come on. How did this thing open before?

Can we get a little less Brothers Grimm

Can you give me that?

Can you hear it?

Can you imagine being trapped on the other side with him?

Can you shut up and eat your fish?

Can't believe Luther's the first one of us that gets hitched.

Can't say that I have.

Cashew butter, almond butter, sunflower butter, tahini, Brazil nut.

Celestial comedown is a bitch!

Cessation of life function at 12 hours and 22 minutes.

Ch pfff! Ch pfff!

Challenge accepted.

Change can be good.

Change is gon' come, baby. [kisses]

Changed his mind.

Chapter 68, "The Grandfather Paradox."

Charming.

Check the glove box.

Chet, hold my calls.

Children,

Children, find a star on the sigil. Stand on it!

Children, leave us.

Children, there will be time for tears later.

Children, what's going on? [gasps]

Chill.

Chris, it's going to be okay.

Christ, what a dump.

Christopher, now!

Christopher, what's wrong?

Claim? Look, Five, what the hell is going on?

Claire and Ray are gone.

Claire loved them.

Claire, honey.

Claire, it's Mommy.

Classic.

Clearly, you guys are on a different chakra frequency right now.

Color coded by region, of course.

Come at me, litter box!

Come on, let's go.

Come on, talk to me.

Come on, work, you stupid briefcase.

Come on!

Come on!

Come on! Ben eri

Come on! Get in the car, Klaus!

Come on! I meant in the ethereal, silly,

Come on.

Come on.

Come on.

Come on.

Come on.

Come on.

Come on.

Come on. Come over here.

Come on. I thought we were gonna go home.

Come on. I'm really not in the mood for your bullshit today.

Come on. It can't be over over.

Come on. Just listen to me

Come on. Something.

Come on. We can't keep doing this.

Come on. You should really eat something.

Come to think of it, my whole life I've been under the gun.

Completely different Move upstate, become an alpaca farmer.

Concentrate. I want you to hear it.

Conclusion, it was no accident.

Condoms?

Confinement factor?

Congrats.

Congratulations. You're both mildly terrible parents.

Consequences? Like what?

Cool.

Could be fun.

Could be more, could be less.

Could do that to a person.

Could have come at a better time for the universe.

Cute hat, Sundance.

Dad believed in science, facts.

Dad called a meeting at noon today.

Dad didn't adopt us as babies, but those babies still existed here.

Dad disowns us. Grace isn't Grace.

Dad killed Luther.

Dad was so repulsed by us back in Texas,

Dad,

Dad, we lost Jayme, Alphonso, and Sloane.

Dad, who the hell are these assholes?

Dad!

Dad's calling the shots.

Damn.

Deal.

Deal's off.

Deeper than that.

Delores?

Deny it,

Despite Dad's attempts to bash my brains in,

Despite what I put you through,

Destroy the world, kill Pogo, almost kill me,

Did Yeah, okay, this is my lamb.

Did it work?

Did not.

Did she have a good life?

Did Sissy hate me for what I did to you?

Did Viktor go full "Carrie" again?

Did we end up back at the same elevator?

Did we just go in a circle?

Did you and Allison get into some kinda fight last night?

Did you find him?

Did you get in a lot of trouble at my age?

Did you hear that? He called us a duo.

Did you kill me and lock me in the trunk of your car?