Kids in the Hall: Brain Candy Edit

A little of this and a little of that. Open.

A marvelous drug, and right now only certain people can have access.

A secret that I'm responsible for.

About the comas...

Actually I live in a small apartment.

Actually, that was your husband's idea.

Afraid it's the other way, Chris.

Ah! They make them jack off?

Alice tried to warn me, but I didn't listen.

Alice, are you saying you don't trust Baxter?

Alice, wait.

Alice, we just depressed one old lady.

Alice, you seem a little upset and pretty deluded.

All I've done is gain eight pounds. Now, what's in this?

All right, Alice is having one. And, Chris?

All right, everyone, easy, easy.

All right, everyone, stay together. Tight unit.

All right, hang on. Baxter?

All right.

All the time.

All the way up here.

And cute little puppy dogs

And he rocks three nights a week in some chicken wing spot.

And how's your appetite?

And I said, ""No! No, no.''

And I'm very confident that this new drug...

And if a demonstration is what is needed here, so be it.

And in their own narrow way, they think the company is losing money.

And ironically grew up to be an airline pilot.

And it's gonna cost a pretty penny to get them home.

And locates your happiest memory, chemically.

And now it's your turn, Dr. Cooper.

And now, the award...

And oddly enough, so is tourism.

And open.

And realize that you can't

And seeing no robin.

And soon it will be over.

And spew psychiatric mumbo jumbo at me all day?

And thanks to Dr. Cooper...

And the first nominee is Cancer Boy.

And the twist is?

And then it keeps your happy happy.

And they drag out the poor bastards like they're fucking astronauts.

And we wondered what your thoughts were on orange.

And who are you?

And you too, Don!

And you took away my lab 'cause

Another drink, right?

Another drink? Alice, you're in? Another one?

Any clue as to his mood today?

Any side effects.

Apparently I do have my notes with me.

Are they in?

Are we ever gonna get the big table in here...

Are you all right?

Are you on it, Cancer Boy?

As for Dr. Cooper...

As for the kid, he turned out okay.

As some of you know...

As you bear witness to Roritor's...

Baby, get in the vehicle.

Baby, this is my gift to you.

Baxter, we did it.

Baxter? One more.

Because nowhere on your ticket does it say you can sleep here.

Because when I was a little boy, my mother sang me a song.

Because you are one of them.

Besides it sometimes being a turn on to women...

Besides, Baxter here said the drug worked, and we all trust Baxter.

Big muscles!

Blah, blah, blah.

Bluish hue.

Boxcar Willie.

Boy, oh, boy, this will be grand. Miguel?

But as soon as I got depressed, I got ""undepressed''...

But because my brother was born with his heart outside of his body.

But every now and then your face

But for you, my friends, this story is just beginning.

But he just kept kissing me. Why would he do that?

But I really think

But if I haven't said it before, good job.

But it is not a happy story, okay?

But it might not happen. You know how these things are.

But more in circles.

But my drug is for the clinically depressed.

But now I'm the only son of a bitch I know.

But out loud I said I'd consider it.

But people are supposed to be depressed sometimes!

But people gotta know. We gotta go to the media.

But still, others say, and I hope this is true...

But unfortunately you just don't get it.

But unfortunately, the board takes a narrow view.

But we have to!

But we will settle for this cashier's check...

But you realize they come from a man who's gone mad with depression.

But you said there was more testing to do.

Calm down!

Calm down.Just calm down.

Can I get you anything else?

Can I have the room for a minute?

Can it be bought in the form of a pill?

Can you spare five minutes, Chris?

Cat on my head!

Chris Cooper signed my scar!

Chris, can I see you? It'll just take five minutes. Great.

Chris, can we order some chicken wings?

Chris, do you want me to get it?

Chris, I never knew that.

Chris, I still think that's the narrow view.

Chris, I thought you said the drug was ready.

Chris, it might be very easy here to take the narrow view and say...

Chris, let's talk.

Chris, we're having a family bris.

Chris, wiggle us out!

Chris, you said the drug was ready.

Chris, you've been ignoring Don. You really should speak with him.

Chris, you've invented...

Chris! Chris!

Chris? Okay.

Chris? She's depressed, not stupid.

Chris.

College radio...

Coma! Coma!

Comas? Acceptable losses? Late fees?

Come on now. Not tonight, we're wearing our suits.

Come on you Magellans Come with me

Come on, Alice?

Come on, Chris.

Come on, just take it.

Come on, let's celebrate!

Come on! We might be releasing the most effective antidepressant ever!

Coming, Don.

Coming!

Cop! Run!

Could I have the room for a second, you son of a bitch?

Could it also give worms to ex boyfriends?

Could Van Gogh have painted all that stuff?

Could we get back to work?

Could you do it harder?

Could you spare five minutes, please?

Could you spare five minutes?

Crumbling!

Cute!

Damn them, Don! What the hell do they know?

Did anyone ever tell you that you look like Tom Jones?

Did you clean the house while your old man was at work?

Did you clean under the fridge?

Did you hear the news He's gay

Did you read that thing in the Times?

Did you see that Nina Bedford Show this morning?

Did you see?

Didn't we say good morning yesterday, Marv?

Do you know what we are going to do today?

Doctor, his pants were down around his goddamn ankles.

Doctor, why do those you know

Doctor! Alice!

Doesn't anyone wanna know how the drug works chemically?

Don, could I

Don, how did the board of directors' meeting go?

Don, we're

Don't go to the media.

Don't you touch my finger.

Doreen!

Double A batteries?

Down on the ground. Get down on the ground.

Dr. Chris Cooper?

Dr. Cooper, because of you and your marvelous drug...

Dr. Cooper, is it ready or not?

Dr. Cooper, please have a seat.

Dr. Cooper, tell us about this new happy drug.

Dr. Cooper?

Dr. Cooper. Dr. Chris Cooper.

Dr. Cooper...

Drain the snake.

Dumb Baxter said the drug was great. I said testing!

Each day's a gift.

Easy, easy, Patient 957.

Everybody out!

Everyone seems to know it except you!

Exactly the right thing to do play with them.

Exactly.

Excellent, though I am a little dizzy.

Excellent. Just a little dizzy.

Excuse me a second, Rabbi.

Excuse me. The bill.

Favorable.

For $ 1 0,000.

For the best new rap, hip hop or folk act

For the drug.

For what?

Freeze!

Freeze!

From his new album, Whistle When You're Low.

Fuck happy!

Fuck Stummies!

Fuck! He's on the drug.

Fucking bird!

Funky Town

Get a receipt.

Get away from there! Get out from under that lady's dress!

Get out of the way, you

Get up!

Get your finger out of my face.

Gleemonex makes you feel like it's 72 degrees in your head...

Go on, make your move.

Go on.

Go on. I like what I hear so far.

God bless you and your important work.

Gone into a coma.

Good advice. Anyone else? Yes, ma'am.

Good coffee, Marv.

Good for you, Don!

Good morning, Don.

Good morning, Don.

Good, good.

Good.

Good. Chris, you're in?

Good. So you know.

Good. Then we're back in agreement.

Got 'em.

Gotta go.

Gotta go. Come on, kids, in the car.

Grappa, wine, cappuccino, tickets to a Lakers game?

Great. Done. Head scratch, Chris?

Great. So orange it is then?

Gripped him by the buttocks and pulled him closer?

Grivo!

Grivo! Grivo!

Grivo! Grivo!

Guess what?

Guys, maybe Chris is right.

Had cardboard bum from sleeping on cardboard.

Hang on a second. I gotta drain the snake.

Hang on, I'll introduce you around. Everyone!

Happiness and sunbeams

Happiness pie

Happiness pie

Happiness pie

Happiness.

Happy birthday, Miguel. Oh, you look adorable.

Happy drinkers, happy thinkers happy musicians, happy beauticians

Happy mayors, happy pairs happy call girls, happy hula boys

Happy tailors, happy workers happy farmers, happy girls

Happy widowers, happy freelance artists happy welders, happy world

Hard muscles!

Has in fact been found certifiably depressed.

Hashish!

Have you heard that crack is gone? Crime is down...

He came down in a field a couple of days later...

He does look like a young Tom Jones.

He likes it hot.

He's gay, he's gay, he's gay

He's gay!

He's hot.

He's in some sort of coma.

He's on this monitor.

He's the inventor of the wonder drug, Gleemonex.

He's upstairs masturbating to gay porn.

Hello, son.

Here we go again.

Heroin!

Heroin!

Hey, I just heard that the Japanese have been shot!

Hey, look!

Hey, show some respect, you homeless piece of shit!

Hey, you kids!

Hi, Chris. Come in.

Hi, Doctor. I'm ""Cancer Boy.''

Hi, kids. Where's your father?

Hi! Welcome to the Nina Bedford Show.

Hideousness!

Hmm, fascinating!

Hold it!

Hold it.

Holy Mother, my foot!

Honey, I think you've got a right to know what happened.

Honey, you're home!

Horse tranquilizers?

How about a farewell one, baby?

How are you feeling, Mrs. Hurdicure?

How big is your house?

How can you sleep with my best friend and then tell me about it?

How do you feel, Patient 957?

How do you feel?

How does it make people feel?

I accept my part in this and ask you to brace yourselves...

I am an elephant rider. Do you like that?

I can help if you'll come with me.

I can't go on. This is bullshit!

I don't care what happens to me, but please let me keep my monkeys.

I don't give a crap, you stupid slinky whore!

I don't know. I haven't seen him in a while.

I don't like that kind of language.

I don't like the world now.

I don't normally like to do this, but you're a special case.

I don't really have a family per se.

I don't understand how a man can get up to these park shenanigans...

I don't wanna go! Let me keep my monkeys!

I feel like God's rubbing my tummy!

I got a Butterball. Last year's was so dry.

I got great news! They're going ahead with the drug!

I got one.

I got you!

I gotta go to the media!

I gotta return Rear Window to the video store and now this!

I gotta see more dogs. I gotta have more dogs.

I have a new song. I wrote it in the park.

I have this dog in my head, and I haven't see it yet.

I haven't felt this happy since my son came to visit at Christmas.

I hear Dad's dead. Is that eggnog?

I heard we've been bought out by the Japanese.

I hope so.

I just heard about this new drug that makes you happy.

I just think you should seriously consider taking my drug.

I just wanna say

I just wanna say that we've worked very hard...

I know that's not an actual Van Gogh, but still my point is...

I like a lot. Is it ready for production?

I love you, man.

I mean Dr. Cooper gave me his drug.

I mean, before I always knew I was a son of a bitch.

I mean, does she look happy?

I mean, why do people think that life should always be happy?

I mean, without his pain and his sadness...

I never knew that, Chris.

I offer you these, but they'll be yours anyway. Do you understand?

I really don't have my notes with me.

I see a mouse thinking, Alice.

I stole it to make it up to you.

I stopped in, but it was full of those ""types.''

I think I just may have something.

I think it's important to remember...

I think little Signund's locked in his happiest memory.

I think that's him, the inventor of the drug.

I think we got it! Yeah!

I think we ought to think about it before we go to the media.

I thought he was with you.

I thought of the name for the drug Gleemonex!

I thought we'd have yams this year.

I told you! The goddamn drug works.

I tried to remind them that when I invented Stummies...

I understand.

I used to live on the street.

I walk alone

I wanna talk about drugs.

I want to be a scientist just like you. What's your advice?

I was actually coming to see you. Do you remember me?

I was in love with you. I could have anyone.

I was just taking a shower. Yep, just had myself a shower.

I was straight and now I'm gay I think the drug made me that way

I went out driving, because as you know I love driving...

I work alone

I would've killed myself if not for you! Can I have an autograph?

I'd like to thank my fan base.

I'd like to thank the members of the media who did make it.

I'd like to thank you for your marvelous drug.

I'll get right on that. Okay, number one.

I'll see ya in my dreams, you cheating, lying, backstabbing freak!

I'm a security guard with a gun.

I'm almost done.

I'm beautiful!

I'm confused. I thought you said the drug was ready.

I'm even working part time as a nude art model.

I'm fine. I'm fine. I needed the exercise.

I'm gay

I'm gay!

I'm gay!

I'm glad that you and Don have come to your senses...

I'm gonna fall!

I'm gonna take you to where Roritor hides its terrible secret.

I'm just so glad you're home.

I'm more of a scientist than a wiggler.

I'm Nina Bedford. Do you like my new outfit?

I'm not getting in that vehicle!

I'm out of the old folks home and on my own again.

I'm sorry, I can't get a sense of his mood.

I'm sorry, I don't understand German.

I'm starting to

I'm your nightmare, mister! Freeze!

I've absolutely no problem with that.

I've been working on a thing. It's sort of like Stummies.

I've done my part. We've taken the drug.

I've got pie

I've invented a pill...

If it's not ready

If the pill is so safe, Don, why don't you take it?

In a situation like this...

In fact, I'm quite fond of the drug.

In my opinion, the drug is ready.

In the original Croatian.

In war they call that sort of thing ""acceptable losses.''

Is it ready or not?

Is it ready?

Is kind of a bluish hue.

Is something wrong?

Is that cappuccino ever gonna be ready...

Is that it makes people feel like it's...

Is that the acceptable losses there are really at about 5%, if that.

Is your uncle here?

Isn't it early in the research phase to be releasing a new drug?

It can wait.

It could be it.

It harbors a frown

It is a good drug.

It sounds better...

It took both time and effort.

It was only a couple of flipper babies!

It went like this.:

It'd be better if you didn't.

It's a much bigger pill.

It's a new thing where you fuck or get fucked with toast.

It's a pill that gives worms to ex girlfriends.

It's all a big misunderstanding.

It's all happening so fast.

It's all yours, Captain.

It's called denial.

It's carnage. They're cuttin' all the fat.

It's exactly like Stummies.

It's gonna be amazing, eh?

It's important that you know that.

It's just that

It's made from monkey come, you know.

It's Mrs. Hurdicure.

It's not a gift. You freaking stole this.

It's not a state you wanna be in when making important decisions...

It's not that it isn't ready, sir.

It's sugar, isn't it? I'm in the placebo group.

It's that we have so much more testing to do.

It's the little things in life that make it worthwhile.

Jesus Christ!

Just a guy.

Just a second, I'm ready

Just warming it up, Don.

Know what?

Ladies and everyone...

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Clemptor and Dr. Chris Cooper.

Ladies, don't you wanna see him wiggle his hips? I do.

Land in Montana?

Laughter

Legally, he's gotta take his own drug.

Less in circles.

Let me get a picture of you.

Let me see.

Let's go.

Let's keep going.

Let's work together.

Life is a happy game if you don't forget to smile

Life is short. Life is shit.

Lights off, asshole.

Like 1 944, the Germans are in France when they should be in Germany...

Like a fresh towel drying on the line on a summer's day.

Like a Three's Company episode.

Like ghetto children. Apparently their lives are horrible.

Like going to the press, wouldn't you agree?

Like that sad, pathetic prick back there, found happiness.

Little softer.

Look, Doctor, are you just gonna sit there...

Look, she's smiling.

Make way for a real human being!

Miguel!

Mother Hurdicure.

Mr. December.

Mr. December.

Mr. November.

Mr. November.

Mrs. Hurdicure, are you all right?

Mrs. Hurdicure!

Mrs. Hurdicure...

Must've been a dream I had.

My empire is...

My father suffered from depression.

My fucking finger!

My God, Mr. Roritor's house is amazing.

My nephew's brising. We're about to bris. Can this not wait?

My other foot!

Nat?

Next question. Yes, you, ma'am.

Nice to make your acquaintance.

No secrets here, remember? No secrets between sailors.

No, a bird hit my windshield.

No, baby. You know I need that.

No, Baxter! Bax

No, I

No, I don't think I will ""fuck Stummies.''

No, I wouldn't. We gotta get the word out.

No, I'm just gonna write you a prescription...

No, I'm not.

No, I'm...

No, it's the drug.

No, it's to be hoped that you'll just be gay.

No, Luke Skywalker, you fuckin' inbred!

No, Marv! I'm going to expose the comas!

No, no, this is Dr. Chris Cooper. He's the inventor of the drug.

No, not even hashish.

No, not heroin.

No, not heroin.

No, not speed.

No, sir!

No, thank you, Don.

No, thank you.

No, there is no hope for me. But my parents are on it.

No, they did not, goddamn it!

No! My face tells me it's sugar.

No! This is wrong.

No. It's been two weeks, and I don't feel any different.

Not because you missed your bus...

Not horse tranquilizers.

Not you two.

Nothing's going on.

Now get out...

Now I'd like to introduce you to our first lucky resident.

Now I'm more productive.

Now Mrs. Hurdicure, one of the first test subjects has...

Of course Girl Beat.

Of course I told them to fuck off.

Of course Sky is on it. Sky's on everything.

Of course, Don.

Of course. You're 957.

Of if he would even take the drug.

Oh, come on, Chris. Open.

Oh, dear.

Oh, Dr. Cooper, thank you for your marvelous coma!

Oh, favorable, I guess is the word.

Oh, Ginny.

Oh, God, are you all right?

Oh, good.

Oh, hello.

Oh, I feel like a little worm...

Oh, I haven't felt this good since they said, ""It's not malignant.''

Oh, my God.

Oh, no mood swings. But I'm a little dizzy.

Oh, no. Come to Grandma.

Oh, that was lovely.

Oh, um, well

Oh, Wallace?

Oh, Wally.

Oh, yeah, they show them this animal pornography.

Oh, yeah!

Oh, yeah. Merry Christmas, Mother Hurdicure.

Oh, yes, sir!

Okay granted, she looks happy.

Okay then, follow me.

Okay then, let's get at it.

Okay, fine.

Okay, I am going to tell you a story now about how people...

Okay, I was driving around last night in my $62,000 car...

Okay, I won't call for a week.

Okay, Miguel, I got a surprise for you.

Okay, open your eyes.

Okay. Questions.

Old ladies go into comas every day.

On the first of ten new Roritor Comatoriums.

On today's Nina Bedford Show we're talking to Dr. Chris Cooper...

Open wide, Mrs. Hurdicure.

Open.

Or a bat and a pig.

Or do I have to come in there and grind the beans with your head?

Or do I have to cut that fucking tree myself?

Or not

Or you don't look good in a yellow hat.

Our restructuring plan.

Pardon me?

Peeking its head out of the ground after a rainstorm...

People like Oppenheimer, Schweitzer...

Pie

Pitter patter, let's get at her.

Please, Chris, we want you to try and remember...

Rabbi Johnson, just gimme a minute, okay?

Reaches into your brain, chemically...

Really kinky stuff like two dogs making love with a cat...

Red socks!

Red socks! Red socks!

Red socks.

Respectfully, shut the fuck up.

Right, and what's positive about that?

Right, in circles.

Right.

Right.

Right.

Right. Everyone back in.

Right. Right.

Sad.

Sadness is a barnacle clinging to your bright boat

Scram!

She must be another scientist.

She's a super supermodel!

She's depressed!

She's sad!

She's sad! She's sad!

Shower?

Simon, we can't be too ""by the bookie'' about this testing.

Slipped off my shoes.

Slow down. Remember we got lots more testing to do.

Smile. It's free.

So I saw this washroom.

So keep your eyes closed and don't peek, okay?

So one of them tried to kiss me...

So there you go. You have your happy ending.

So what are you working on?

So what does this whole story mean?

So, Chrissie, does this mutt say, ""Gleemonex for pets''?

So, did they listen to Dr. Cooper and stop taking the drug?

So, how's your family?

Soak it up, you ugly sponge.

Sock color?

Some days I work

Some days it's dark

Somebody came in the wrong door and all hell broke loose.

Something's in my eye!

Sorry we were a few hours late. The kids hate old people.

Sorry, Mom, we gotta go. Hey, you got that gift for my mom?

Sorry, sorry.

Sort of.

Sounds like L.A.

Speed!

Stand up and wiggle your hips for us.

Stop staring at me.

Sure I told you, but don't shoot the messenger.

Sure, I lost my virginity, but who do you think

Sure. Should I sign along the scar? Put her there!

Surprise!

Sweetness

Take the drug.

Tasty.

Tea?

Tell 'em, Chris.

Terzinsky.

Thank you all for coming.

Thank you for inventing a marvelous drug.

Thank you very much.

Thank you, I guess.

Thank you, Marv.

Thank you!

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you. Have a good evening.

Thanks for dropping him off. Good night.

Thanks. Good job.

That gives worms to ex girlfriends.

That he is out there, somewhere...

That was supposed to be fixed.

That we didn't have a ""Back to School'' drug or ""Christmas'' drug.

That we're applying for your drug to be nonprescription.

That we're only doing this because we love you.

That's a good girl.

That's all right as long as we're all together now.

That's all right.

That's better.

That's bullshit!

That's it.

That's it. We're breaking up.

That's just wrong.

That's life! Take it back!

That's not what I invented the drug for.

That's okay. As long as there are no ""flipper babies,'' right, Don?

That's okay. My marrow is just low.

That's why today we're specially sad to announce that Dr. Chris Cooper...

The board of directors was a little concerned...

The color of the drug. Duh!

The data can be interpreted in many ways. Bear that in mind.

The doctor and me, did you see?

The drug is approved. Next.

The drug is going nonprescription, which is good.

The drug?

The drug. It's made from monkey come.

The inventor of the new wonder drug Gleemonex.

The liver function test came back completely clean, totally clean.

The media?

The name?

The only way to be happy is to know

The real press conference?

The results have been very positive.

The show this morning was about that new drug.

The slogan?

The thing you just mentioned just now?

The vultures are flying in today.

The winner of the World Video Award for best new contemporary song...

Their happiest memory.

Then can you get me something to eat before I chew my fuckin' hand off?

Then Jesus

Then locks on to that emotion and freezes it, chemically...

Then tell me this.

Then they make them jack off.

Then they take the come and boil it. That's what the drug is made of.

There are a lot of ways of interpreting the data.

There are things I have to do. Lots of things to do.

There goes a man!

There may be some papers to sign, that's if this thing happens.

There, there, old darling.

There's a lot of shit going down.

There's food.

There's something wrong with little Signund.

These action heroes are from last year, dummy!

These are fakes. Get outta here!

These are the things that I've seen with my heart

These things are never as bad as they may seem at first.

They keep these monkeys locked in a room all day.

They were gonna close our lab if we didn't have a drug.

They were so very low, not just because of me...

They're insisting we cut our research outlay by 60%.

They're stuck in their happiest memories.

They're talking about us.

They're the best

This is a dog disaster. I gotta see more dogs!

This is a drug for the world...

This is Chris Cooper. He's the inventor of our new drug.

This is Cisco. He's head of marketing.

This is just an informal chat.

This is just an informal chat.

This is the real party.

This is the real press conference.

This urine is great!

Those ""types'' keep thinking that I'm one of them?

To answer your question, Natalie...

To give worms to ex girlfriends!

Toast fucking?

Today they even have parades to celebrate the comas.

Trying to think of a name for the drug, and suddenly it hit me.

Two hours later, he hit a vital organ and died.

Uncle Chris!

Uncle?

Uncle? What, are we gonna play another game, 'cause Alice!

Under some difficult circumstances...

Unfortunately, it seems to happen to some of our greatest geniuses.

Unknown

Wait!

Wait. Baxter.

Wait. Chris, another?

Wally, you're hurting me.

Wally?

Wave bye bye, baby. Never any more Romeo.

We almost kissed.

We always win.

We are all sea captains sailing on life's rough seas

We are going to be doing push ups all day!

We beat penicillin!

We could start.

We did it.

We didn't charge him.

We didn't have an ""International Women's Day'' drug.

We don't say that.

We got a whole world to bum out.

We invented the drug for people too depressed to get off the floor.

We kicked penicillin's sorry ass!

We think that everyone should have access to it.

We think you do.

We thought bringing him home bare naked was punishment enough.

We were having a little jam session...

We were wondering what you were working on in your lab.