Keeping the Faith Edit

A priest and a rabbi in this day and age.

A wise man once told me that no rabbi can save anyone.

A world where boundaries and definitions...

A... dog, a male dog.

About everything. About us, about me—— especially about me.

About what you said in the seminary about how the life ofa priest is hard.

Abstractly.

Actually, I download them offthe net. There‘s this great service.

After months and months of lying, why call me over in the middle ofthe night...

After that, we were pretty much inseparable.

Ah, yes, they all come back. Sooner or later, they all—— Ooh I

Ah. Harder.

All right, I‘ll make the call, but cancel the dinner. I have a class.

All right, now over to you. Anybody new in your life I should know about?

All right, that‘s why I‘m here! That‘s why I wanted to apologize ifyou‘d let me talk.

All right, the lights are working, the cameras came,

All right, you know what ? I gotta go. I gotta go. I gotta go. I‘ve gotta go.

All right. Navy blue button—down shirt.

All these feelings.

All these moments with you, I‘ve been walking around on a cloud,

Am I spiritually empty?

Amen to your ”oy.”

And / don’t really feel like 5 wapping stories,

And / let him in on the Catholic mysteries.

And askyou to forgive me.

And coming here tonight, on your Sunday evening,

And cry to me——

And for a while now, you ’ve let me be your guide.

And he stole my girlfriend, on top ofit.

And her heart—— boom——

And I don‘t know why, but this time, I looked at it.

And I fell in love at least once every decade.

And I got a little piece ofass last night, so I‘m feeling extra generous.

And I gotta say, it‘s wonderful to see so much interfaith dancing happening.

And I moved to the United States.

And I wasjust—— I was riveted. It was so beautiful.

And I‘m finejust hanging out, having a great time with you.

And I‘m not coming back.

And I‘m not gonna letyou go“?

And I‘m reading all kinds ofthings wrong,

And if / indulged those feelings too much with you,

And if you start to doubt that because ofme,

And ifHe cannot turn their hearts,

And ifyou can see yourselfbeing happy doing anything else, you should do that.

And it never works because the women always fall in love with you,

And it’s very important to understand the difference between religion and faith.

And just like that, she was gone.

And Lot takes them in, and he protects them.

And now something has happened, and I can‘t keep it from you anymore. I feel bad.

And our other grandmother was an Irish nun who left me this bar,

And over the past few months,

And she is lea ving in about two hours.

And so tonight,

And that feeling, that hunch, is God.

And that I‘d throw it all away to be with you,

And that, where the important things are concerned, you‘re still a total idiot.

And that’s really what the story’s about—— us taking care of each other.

And then people can light up right in front ofyou and it doesn‘t even botheryou.

And those who don‘t love us——

And unless my radar is completely on the blink, | thinkyou like me.

And wejust clicked very unexpectedly, but——

And when / was eight, / told her / had a feeling / was supposed to return the favor.

And you are never going to be the kind ofspiritual leaderyou could be...

And you knew he could do anything he wanted with his life.

And you know what? You are never going to find the kind of relationship I know you want.

And you said some things to her that / resent on her behalf

And your a verage se ven th —grade girl’s attentions can be pretty tickle.

And—and that affected me.

And, ofcourse, I‘m gonna miss my Romeo Casanova boy across the way.

And, so, I don‘t thinkI wanna go, because I wanna be nearyou,

And, trust me, you have not heard this one, okay?

And, when lovers bore, which they will, sublimate.

Anna .7

Anna is very special, okay? She‘s not like other girls.

Anna used to call us "two Mic/<5 and a Yid "She was gonna make T—shirts.

Anna wants me to take her to this office party... deal. I don‘t know what it is.

Anna was the friend that every I 3—year—old boy dreams of——

Anna——

Anna, /don’t want you to go.

Anyway, I thought he was in that.

Are blurring and bleeding into each other...

Are tied in to my feelings forjake.

Are you okay? Good.

Are you sure that that is the best thing... foryou?

As much griefas I givejake, I think you‘re all doing it the right way.

Aw, no, man. Check this out God Squad in the house.

Because / think ifit was just up to you,

Because his best friend, a rabbi, stole his girl.

Because I have a very early conference call.

Because it makes you feel like a Marine.

Beep—beep! Hello, young sir!

Before we get started, I want you all to do me a favor.

Bella Abzug showed up for a bris, but that was——

Biblical Hebrewjust ‘cause my balls haven‘t dropped yet?“

Bingo ! Two—week cruise for Greta! You‘re goin‘ to the Bahamas!

Brian ! Come on, let‘sjust talk about this. You don‘t drink.

Brian——

Brian, I don‘t know what I would do with myself.

Brian, I‘m in love with her! Okay?

Brian!

Brian.

Brian.

Bring ’em up to speed with the times, no more of the old routines.

Bring me my Obsession perfume, a couple ofmacaroons and my computer.

But / just l

But at least we‘d still have been friends.

But before they were a priest and a rabbi, they both knew this girl.

But I don‘t need that.

But I‘m dealing with it because I‘m overwhelmed by this feeling I have foryou.

But I‘m not as excited as I am aboutyou and me.

But I‘m not interested in baby—sitting Mrs. Katz.

But it sure felt that way to me.

But it‘s a problem foryou because you assume all people in your life can‘t deal with that.

But it‘s like when people quit smoking, and the first year is tough,

But let me tell you, in my experience——

But New York is an island.

But no matter what I do, I can‘t seem to get you folks to sing it with any feeling.

But not Anna. Her loyalty to us was constant

But our relationship did have this one unusual component'

But sometimes you‘re a little aggressive in the execution.

But sometimes, I wannajumpyou too. What can I say?

But soon after, the Russians invaded Czechoslovakia,

But that‘s exciting. How long before they give it over to you officially?

But that‘s kind ofoffset by the fact that I‘m about to lose myjob.

But that‘s okay. You‘re supposed to suck.

But that’s what we lived for: to push the envelope.

But the fact is that we have to work it out together, between me and her.

But this...

But when the three of us were together, it felt like we were livin’ on our own little island

But when you get back, we should definitely get together.

But you guys look like cool guys,

But you have to appreciate a lot of people come here for a sense ofcontinuity.

But you have to have some patience for the fact..

But you put your trust in me.

But you‘ll be back. They all come back.

But you‘re in a particularly good mood right now.

But you‘re scared because it‘s me, so I‘m gonna say it first.

But, look, not to rain on your parade. I had to go say good—bye to Anna.

ButI thinkI should letyou doyourthing.

By anyone who can survive on less than [00 grand a year.

Can I askyou a question?

Can I interrupt, or is three a crowd here?

Can Ijust say, good—— good foryou.

Can you come over? Please ?

Can—— [Giggles]

Come on, come on, admit it. Ifl wasn‘t a priest——

Come on, come on. Yes ?

Come on. A priest and a rabbi? I think I‘ve heard this one.

Connecting us all together.

Could be a scandal.

Damn it, jake.

Debbie, Debbie, Deb—— What ?

Definitely not Ernie‘s. Definitely not.

Ding—dong—— time to pay the toll.

Does he have music on in there .7 He ’5, like, porn—slapping her.

Does my life seem shallow to you?

Don ’t you ever just wanna be free of that thing .7

Don‘t give up hope, okay?

Don‘t look at me in that tone ofvoice.

Don‘t move, okay? I‘ll be right over.

Don‘t smile at me, okay ? ‘Cause I‘m on toyou, and I‘m in no mood.

Don‘t talk to me about your mother, brother or synagogue. Just you.

Don‘t tell anybody, butl thinkl need to take a break from this exciting life.

Don‘t worry about it. What—What‘s going on ?What‘s wrong?

Ernie‘s been around since we were kids. You might as well take her to Houlihan‘s.

Ethan andJackie took me to see her mom‘s new play, and itwas hilarious.

Ethan married a Catholic girl, and that did not go over well.

Ethan, on the other hand, that’s anotherstory When he was a kid, he was such a chub.

Even way back then, everybody just seemed to feel good bringing their problems to me.

Excuse me, but I think in light of recent revelations,

Excuse me, may / help you .7

Excuse me, Rabbi, sorry to interrupt, but there‘s a question...

Excuse me.

Excuse me. My mouthjust went dry.

Faith is a feeling Faith is a hunch, really.

Faith is not about having the right answers.

Fall down on the floor,

For a number ofmonths, I‘ve been seeing a woman who isn‘t*******.

Foryears, I have listened to you talk about...

Friends don‘t lie to each other and set each other up to be humiliated like that.

Friends first

Get across the street That’s right, go I Go, go I Go forth and prosper!

Get ready to say your prayers, my friends, ‘cause I am in no mood today.

Get those things, and then feel a sneaking suspicion that you went after the wrong things...

God does not look favorably on it. He had a tendency to throw lightning bolts...

God hates a solo artist, / promise you

God is challenging you He ’5 callin ’ you a chump.

God isa lotlike Blanche DuBois.

God knew your voice was gonna change when you‘re 13.

God relies on us to take care of each other.

God was showing off when He made you.

God will give you your answer.

God, don‘t mess with me like that.

God, I can‘t believe you did that. We agreed this was between us.

God, talk about a bad case ofthe third wheel.

Good to see you. I have a friend here I thought you might wanna see.

Good. Just run one more scenario,

Got it, got it,

Great. That‘s great. So you‘re saying we‘re never gonna see you.

Greta Mussman before she pulls her rotator cuff.

H ey.

Halfthe men I know are completely unworthy of the opportunities they‘ve had.

Has been trying to get you to take her daughter out for months?

Have seemed a little strange and maybe even a little scary.

Having my heart broken or starting to doubt myself,

He actually had to miss school one day because he couldn‘t fit into any ofhis pants.

He calls early.

He can only offer himselfas a guide to other fearful people.

He has a healthy self—confidence. I can tell from his posturing.

He just had that kind of aura about him. You took one look at this kid,

He looks so good these days. You should see him. He‘s been working out with a trainer.

He needs my help or else he‘ll go to the bathroom over everything.

He wanted to do something different with his life.

He was always blessed. He got my genes.

He‘s always relied on the kindness ofstrangers.

He‘s looking very trim because she don‘t know how to cook.

He‘s the president ofthe synagogue, and his wife.

Hello ? Pick up the phone.

Hello, boys.

Hello, Radioman.

Hello? What‘s going on? Anna?

Her face swells up like a chipmunk. She goes,

Here. Don‘t—— Here. Thankyou.

Here‘s the thing,Jake.

Hey, Anna, come here, we‘re doing shots. Just gotta borrow her for one second.

Hey, come on, admit it You’re excited This is gonna be great

Hey, hey, excuse me. I think we work pretty hard for a tough——

Hey, hey, no, seriously, seriously, a toast, a toast. To Anna.

Hey, hey! Hey, A.D.D. boy! Right here!

Hey, look at me.

Hey, we got two cases delivered, by the way.

Hey, what if you guys came with me?

Hi this is Anna. Only three people have this number.

Hi.

His father and his brother Ethan both tried to convince him to join them at the family firm.

His father was a diplomat. He was always saying he couldn‘t get a parking ticket...

Hmm ? Working hard?

Hmm? [Sniffs]

Hmm.

Hold it.

Hold on a second. I wanna tell you something. Listen.

Hold that thought.

How about, ”I‘ve been waiting for someone like you my whole life,

How did you stay such a skinny kid in this household with you cooking like this?

How do you think it‘s goin‘?

How much you want something exactly like this to happen to you, and when it comes,

How nice. I gotta hear this from you.

How you doin‘?

Huh?

I almost didn‘t ‘cause I was so mad at you.

I am in love with a rabbi.

I am sorry—— I‘m very sorry—— that I put too little faith in you.

I am talking to a priest who went on a bender...

I assume your brother knows all about this.

I bet no one ever asks the Dalai Lama these questions.

I can tell, and, hey, come on, call mejake, all right?

I can‘t bear that I hurt you.

I can‘t have you out there thinking that my feelings foryou...

I can‘t laugh. My spleen hurts, I‘m so full.

I couldn‘t do that for him.

I dealtwith it. It‘s over, and I don‘t——

I do shots.

I do. We‘re doing a hostile takeover ofCongregation Bertov Sholem.

I don‘t blame you.

I don‘t do penance.

I don‘t doubt myself because ofyou.

I don‘t even know where to begin, Brian.

I don‘t know what to do, Brian.Just tell me what to do, and I will do it.

I don‘t know what to say.

I don‘t know what to say.

I don‘t know. I‘ll tell you something.

I don‘t mean spirit. I know I‘m fun to hang out with.

I don‘t need a chaperone. Ijust need some help. Come on. Guys, please?

I don‘t think I‘d be sitting here right now.

I don‘t think so.

I don‘t thinkthere‘s room in it for what I‘ve spiritually committed to.

I don‘t wanna talk about it. Iwould talk about it ifl wanted to talk about it.

I don‘t wanna talk about this anymore. Get it?

I envy him, ‘cause this would be so easyifl was him.

I feel like the best version of myselfaround you, and that makes me doubt everything else.

I feel likel should askyou for my penance.

I go every week now, and I noticed this little painting.

I got it, man. No, I got it. Let me.

I got something foryou.

I got this beautiful garden. I‘ve reconnected with this great old friend.

I gotta get some E—mailing done.

I gotta quit playin‘ guys from ******* Theological Seminary. It really lowers the bar.

I guess you really can‘t do that too much with yourjob,

I had an impulse to call you last night and didn‘t ‘cause I thought itwould be too late.

I have a relationship with my phone.

I have been violating that trust.

I have something simple that I‘d like to discuss with you.

I have to call Don. I‘ll do itwhen I get home.

I have to tell you what ”kosher“ means? Study your gemara !

I just wanna say one thing, and then I will go away.

I just wanted to pull you offinto security and give you a cavity search.

I keeps everybody—— myselfincluded—— on their toes.

I know myself. What does that mean?

I know you love her. / love her too.

I know, and you were this tough, sexy, straight—ahead businesswoman.

I know, I know, I know, but you have to be patient with them.

I know, I know, I know. You like to shake things up,

I know, okay? All right? I mean——

I know. It‘s definitely Manischewitz time.

I know. You know, I think whoever said it, it was really true.

I like the little ”mysterioso” quality. It‘s very sexy, turns me on.

I love you.

I love you. That‘s what you‘re trying to say,

I made a mistake.

I mean, come on, sometimes that‘s not enough.

I mean, I brought in the band.

I mean, I loveyou, but—but—but...

I mean, I thinkl‘m an idiot.

I mean, is this you too? Doyou feel the same way?

I mean, she laughed for about ten minutes, but she was excited.

I mean, things are really strange between us now.

I mean, you write your own sermons, right?

I mean,you should‘vejust told me. You should‘vejust told me.

I order dessert, she says she doesn‘t want any. I get pecan pie.

I quit smoking two years ago. When people smoke in front ofme...

I really admire your commitment.

I really am. To my work, to ministering to people.

I really would, butl don‘t know where I‘m going yet.

I sent the invitations out yesterday. We‘ve got the karaoke machine.

I should‘ve never had that sex talk with you on the bridge that day.

I stand before you...

I suck.

I suppose you have your speech all prepared.

I take Tae—bo now. It‘s doubled my energy.

I tell you something. I don‘t know which feels worse:

I thankyou forlistening to me.

I think that would‘ve made me really happy in some weird way.

I think we can all agree that was a backwards step.

I think we should just keep it simple.

I think we should toss this. We looklike idiots.

I thinkyou‘ll find that people will go a lot farther...

I thought you wanted me,

I totally forget how amazing New York is.

I wanna get an image ofa young rabbi on the prowl. What‘s your game, man?

I wanna get the karaoke machine. Am I interrupting something?

I wanna talk. I‘ve got all these things on my mind. I wanna vent.

I want everybody in the back to come forward and fill up these first three rows here.

I want to bring my friend Brian and his girlfriend Anna, like a double date.

I want to French—kiss them just to suck the smoke out oftheir lungs, okay?

I want to push people to grow and expand. Otherwise, what are we doing?

I wanted to say that I thinkl handled things really badly and I‘m sorry.

I was faxed one oftheir daughters‘ resumes this morning.

I was so happyl could die. [Chuckles]

I wonder why she called you.

I would love to, Ijust have—— I gotta——| have a friend at home.

I would‘ve given it all up.

I—I think it might be a little weird for him.

I, um——

I‘d like to talk about something a little more personal.

I‘d like to talk toyou. Am I on speakerphone?

I‘d say, I‘m sorry, too bad, that‘s the way it is. You have to deal with it.

I‘ll be back in the office in an hour. Run it again. God, I hate these Harvard guys.

I‘ll call you as soon as the board makes a decision.

I‘ll tell you what I know.

I‘m a halfPunjabi Sikh, one—quarter Tamil separatist.

I‘m afraid I can‘t do that, sir.

I‘m completely committed to what I do.

I‘m for simple.

I‘m gonna do that. I gotta call her, but right now, I‘m taking a breakfrom dating.

I‘m having a great time. Let‘sjust have fun, okay?

I‘m having fun too. This is a lotta fun. Whoo, fun!

I‘m in love with you.

I‘m in love withjake.

I‘m looking for my old friend, Rabbijacob Schram, and there he is.

I‘m not gonna bring your computer. You gotta rest, okay?

I‘m not gonna do that tonight.

I‘m not gonna talk about the meaning ofGod...

I‘m not gonna tell you what I wore on my date. Why should I do that?

I‘m not saying let‘s get married. All I‘m saying...

I‘m not sorry for loving her.

I‘m proud ofyou no matter what.

I‘m ready.

I‘m saying that I love you.

I‘m saying we have totally different priorities. Look at your life.

I‘m saying, you know, you‘re—— I just thinkyou‘d want to do something about it.

I‘m serious! I‘m serious ! You gotta show Him what Alan Klein‘s made of.

I‘m so embarrassed, |——

I‘m sorry that you found out about it this way. It sucks!

I‘m sorry, I‘m sorry.

I‘m sorry.

I‘m the king of rock. There ain‘t none higher.

I‘m the person to offer objective advice on this particular confession.

I‘m tryin‘ to sprinkle a little fairy dust here! I‘m tryin‘ to tell a story.

I‘m very sorryl didn‘t get to see you two together.

I‘m—I‘m glad you saved it, ‘cause it‘s definitely less weird for me now.

I‘m—I‘m stunned. I mean, I‘m—I‘m stunned. I‘m—I‘m paralyzed.

I‘ve been a priest over 40 years,

I‘ve been feeling all ofthese feelings lately.

I‘ve been thinking about it, and I‘m excited,

I‘ve been trying to get up there for the last hour, but it‘s like the Pentagon with T—Bone.

I‘ve been violating it because I haven‘t been sharing my life with you.

I‘vejust been having so much fun and...

Icouldn‘t follow it. She like this very high—powered business, you know——

Idon‘t have relationships. Idon‘t have time for relationships.

Idon‘t know.]ews want their rabbis to be the**** they don‘t have time to be.

Idon‘t want to listen to any ofyou !

Ifl have to stay here for two days, I‘ll give them whatever the hell I had.

Ifl was a rabbi,you could fall in love with me without guilt.

Ifl was to tell you that I love you...

Ifshe had kissed me back,

Ifthe guy wouldjust go down the middle. Like Sprewell, same thing. Hey.

Ifthey feel they‘re being led and not pushed!

Ifyou are a priest, orifyou marryawoman,

In most ways, we were like any other two kids in New York,

In ways that, I think, challenge us notjust as****, but as human beings.

Into a joint Catholic—je w1sh senior center/karaoke lounge——

Is / think you should be honest with yourself..

Is a real problem for me.

Is I am in love with you, and I wanna give it a real shot, that‘s all I‘m saying.

Is it me, or is confession getting a little touchy—feely these days?

Is my son a good kisser?

It defines me completely as a person, and it fulfills me.

It gets very complicated. I‘m reading Dianetics.

It means that all these mothers keep making these dates for me that I can‘t refuse.

It might be hard foryou to accept, but the fact you‘re not*******...

It was a watercolor by Bonnard. I probably passed it every single time,

It wouldn‘t hurt you to call her, because her family is very wealthy.

It‘s a hunch that there is something bigger connecting it all,

It‘s a little bit expensive, but let me tell you, it‘s worth it.

It‘s a little more comp—— it‘s a little more complicated than that.

It‘s customary to sneak out after the communion.

It‘s foryou. Who‘s calling at this hour ? This is barbaric.

It‘s hard enough without binding yourselfto another total idiot.

It‘s hard to see your son... as a man.

It‘s my God—given right to check. What about that Shapiro girl?

It‘s not in reference to anything.

It‘s not your ideas. Your ideas are very good.

It‘s notjust the board. It‘s your congregation,Jake.

It‘s notyourfault.

It‘s personal. Ifyou could go up there and tell anybody thatjake Schram is here, okay?

It‘s the same challenge.

It‘s the vows, isn‘t it?

It‘s the vows. They make you feel guilty. I can‘t believe it.

It‘s totally great. It‘s so fine.

It‘s true, he‘s punishing me a little too much for it, but it was my fault.

It‘sJake.

It‘sjust, tonight, I really didn‘t wanna be one.

It’s a prayer about praising the L ord,

It’s a very simple situation. You ’re in love with her, she’s in love with you,

Ithinkyou will find, Rabbi Schram, that this princess is no pushover.

Iwanna see ifl can work it out.

Iwill.

J ’Cause / ’ve been just waitin’J

J ’Cause / ’ve been just waitin’J

J / could ne ver be the puzzle piecesJ

J / feel completed like it’sJ

J / feel completedJ

J / feel it could be thereJ

J / feel it could be thereJ

J / got a joke /’ve beenJ

J / just knowit You know that / want jesse ’s girlJ

J / never had no problems YeahJ

J / see in your hairJ

J / see in your hairJ

J /’m not what’s missingJ

J /’m runnin’ down the one—night standsJJ

J /’m through with waitin’J

J /f e verythin ’ glitterin ’J

J /f e verything glitterin ’J

J /f e verything glitterin ’J

J Been living with nothing to show for itJ

J Been living with nothing to show for itJ

J But lately something changed that ain ’t hard to defineJ

J But not very good J

J But there ’5 somethin’ so easyJ

J But there ’5 something so easyJ

J Do you wanna know,‘

J Do you wanna knowJ

J Don ’t wanna know where you areJ

J Down that roadJ

J Dying to tell youJ

J Ein Keloheinu J

J For this heartJ

J For this heartJ

J For you to arrest the devilJ

J From your life nowJ

J Give up the thing you lo veJJ

J HeartJ

J How you’re sweet to meJ

J How you’re sweet to meJ

J I‘m ready to take a chance again J

J I’ll tell you why /J

J It‘s all very nice J

J just to see what you can standJ

J Kept it from you forso longJ

J Kept so quietJ

J Like it’s somethin’ / neededJ

J MineJ

J MineJ

J MineJ

J MineJ

J MineJ

J MineJJ

J My life goes along as it shouldJ

J No crisis arises J

J Nojolts, no surprises J

J PleasesJ

J Ready to take a chance again J

J Saying that God makes problemsJ

J So though we cannot knowJ

J Somehow tonightJ

J Somehow tonightJ

J Somethin’ / neededJ

J Somethin’ worth sa vin ’J

J Somethin’ worth sa vin ’J

J That change would do me rightJ

J That change would do me rightJ

J There ’5 always somethin’ so tragicJ

J There’s always somethin’so tragicJ

J This heartJ

J To make the noise that /J

J Want to knowit to be realJJ

J What you feel nowJ

J What you thinkin’J

J Will turn into the goldJ

J Will turn into the goldJ

J Will turn into the goldJ

J You get what you get when you go for itJ

J You get what you get when you go for itJ

J You’re still a m ysteryJ

J You’re still a m ysteryJ

J/ want you takin’J

JAbout a hopeless romanticJ

JAbout a hopeless romanticJ

Jackie‘s got him on this regimen. He looks very trim and slim. He looks good.

Jake, Bonnie Rose. I don‘t think you‘ve met my daughter, Rachel.

Jake, I can see you. What are you doing?

JAnd do you wanna findJ

JAnd he‘s always been a good friend ofmine J

JAnd she‘s loving him with that body of hers J

JAnd she‘s watching him with those eyes J

JAnd/’mJ

JAndhesitatin’ with this heartJ

JAndhesitatin’ with this heartJ

JAndhesitatin’J

Jesus, what happened?

**** don‘t do that. We—We plant trees.

JJ [ Continuing In Hebrew With Gospel Beat]

JJ [ Whistling /n S tairwell ]

JJ [ Whistling Resumes]

JJ [Continues]

JJ [Humming]

JJ [Man Singing In Foreign Language]

JJ[ Hebrew]

JJ[Singing]

JJesse got himselfa girl and I want to make her mine J

Just because you happen to be one of His crew, you know?

Just come on!

Just remember: ”spectacles, testicles, watch, wallet.”

Just say ”I love thatl suck.”

Just to see ifwe work?

JWith you J

JWith you, and I‘m ready to take that chance again JJ

Keep me company?

L ook at me. / ’m your friend and /’m telling you,

Larry, Ellen, what the—— What are you doing here?

Learned my stripes by getting through a bris without fainting.

Let me get this straight:

Let‘sjust hold hands and breathe, hmm?

Let‘sjust take it from the top.

Like Len‘s endless Howard Stern recountings.

Listen to me. There‘s a reason whyyour brother isn‘t here.

Listen to me. This dog is a codependent little puppy.

Listen to what you‘re saying. ”Not enough”?

Listen to you, you‘re like—— That‘s incredible.

Listen, I—I‘ve been thinking about stuff, and—and—and Ijust want you to know I‘m sorry.

Listen, there ’5 some things that / ’ve been thinking about

Listen, who‘s talking about feeling guilty?

Long ”."A Didn‘t you see the ” Behind the Music” ?

Long flight. I know. Well, okay.

Look at me.

Look at the city.

Look, do me a favor. This is a very, very important thing to me.

Look, I have it right here in front ofme, and it‘s not right.

Look, I‘m sorry, I have to say this.

Look, maybe you‘re right, but can‘t you see that you‘re asking me...

Ma‘am, you in the back. Yes,you. Come on!

Make your own decisions about what‘s important to you.

Man, I was really starting to think I had a few things figured out there.

Maury, ifyou would.

May God turn their hearts.

May He turn their ankles,

May those who love us love us.

Me too. I mean, I gotta talk to the Big Guy.

Mine are really bad, and I thinkl need to get it off——

Mm—hmm.

Mmdoywmcll?

Mmm ! Rachel Rose.

Mmm. That‘s a good color foryour eyes.

Mom,

Mom, he never called in fat. Come on, give the guy a break.

Most rabbis try to cram a whole year‘s...

Mostly horrible with a few brief moments ofexcruciating agony,

Mrs. Katz likes to sing "Ein Keloheinu" the way she knows it.

My best friend has been lying to me for months.

My dad just wanted to know if working for God came with dental.

My grandfather and my father were moils.

My mother always called me her ’gift from God " That reallystucl< with me,

My sister‘s married a******* doctor from Newjersey,

Ne wly ordained as masters of theology,

Need it, got it.

Need it, need it, got it, got it,

Neither of us is in a position to say what the other one does or does not do...

No more ofthis ”woman behind the man” shit.

No one thing defines me.

No pain, no gain!

No, | work harder than God. IfHe had hired me, He would have made the world by Thursday.

No, and certainly not in that voice.

No, Brian, I can‘t! [Panting]

No, but you’re still gonna get a spankin’.

No, hey, come on. I know him. You start. Catch us up.

No, I can‘t. |—|—— You‘re a congregant.

No, I know. I thinkthat tequila shot made me a little giddy.

No, I mean really. My mother‘s firm does all my P.R.

No, I think now would be a good time.

No, I was kidding.

No, I‘ll be right there. Okay.

No, I‘m definitely, definitely still mad.

No, I‘m going to. Don‘t worry.

No, I‘mjust saying that I want to meet somebody in a spontaneous, casual manner,

No, Ijust—— I don‘t know.

No, it was between you and her. Then you mucked things up. Now it‘s between you and me.

No, look. I‘ve heard all ofthose,

No, no, no, come on, I wanna go. The place closes in 20 minutes.

No, no, no, I mean, they really respect you. It‘s amazing.

No, no, no, no, no, you gotta stretch.

No, no, no! Don‘t, don‘t!

No, Tuesday‘s not good for me. I gotta mourn with the Schwartzes.

No, wait You know what .7 / remember exactly how we met,

No, you are in love with me, youjerk.

No, you‘re not. It wasjust an impulse.

No! No, no, no, I am. I‘m just—I‘m just——

No! No, no, no, no.Just she needs someone to, you know, go with her.

No.

No. I mean——| mean, I‘m with an old friend.

No. I‘m in love with her.

No. No.

Not an easy idea to sell to some of the higher—ups,

Not quiteyet. Maybe soon, though.

Not really. Flirtations, little moments.

Notjust my feelings forjake,

Now you guys get the dishes, and the ladies will talk.

Now, give me somethin‘ I can work with, folks. Shabbat shalom!

Now, ifyou‘ll excuse us, we‘ve got some dancing to do.

Now, jal

Now,/al

Ofcourse I will. You know I will.

Ofcourse, |‘ll expect it in writing by the end ofthe day.

Ofcourse. Now, what about these kids?

OfTalmudic precedent that requires your immediate attention.

Ofthe******* calendar,

Oh ! Tuesdays with Morrie. I love that book.

Oh, ”Our Lady‘s Bedstraw.” The most poetic herb. [ Inhales]

Oh, Brian.

Oh, did I stutter?A|l right, Phi|,you know what ?I don‘t have time for this.

Oh, did you get the discs from Don?

Oh, do you, uh, do these tapes?

Oh, God. please let this be painless.

Oh, God. What do I know?

Oh, guys, come on! Let‘s try one more time. Shabbat shalom.

Oh, he‘s late.

Oh, hmm, what about Thursday night? I think they can do Thursday night.

Oh, I don‘t know. I—— I thought you‘d be excited.

Oh, I used to take kickboxing, but I found it too high—impact.

Oh, I‘ll bet. So, what‘s your chick situation?

Oh, look at those pomegranates, huh .7

Oh, man, help me out. Come on, come on.Just two guys, ”."T

Oh, man. What is that? What is it?

Oh, my God !

Oh, my God, you look so beautiful together.

Oh, my. Wow, that‘s sexy.

Oh, no wonder she was crying.

Oh, Rabbijacob Schram? Oh, hello.

Oh, she was beautiful. She looked like Carole Lombard.

Oh, that‘s wonderful.

Oh, this is the man you were telling—— Right. Yes, sir.

Oh, um, don‘t ask. It‘s—It‘s—It‘s not a good story.

Oh, wait a minute! Listen to what you‘re saying.

Oh, yeah ? Check this out.

Oh, yes. It always is. Everybody thinks their story is the one with the twist.

Oh, you‘re amazing.

Oh.

Oh. Are you okay?

Oh. Is that bad or good?

Okay Well, if those results are correct, then /sa y we have a deal.

Okay, all right. You want an example? I take her to dinner.

Okay, do you wanna share anything?

Okay, how much does it cost exactly?

Okay, I hope you didn‘t think you werejust stroll over here after a couple weeks...

Okay, ifwe could have your attention, please. We‘d like to kick this offofficially.

Okay, let‘s get a few things straight here,]ake.

Okay, my mom was the only person in the room...

Okay, okay, okay, all I‘m saying,Jake,

Okay, okay. Forget about that. You do want to meet somebody, right?

Okay, okay. It‘s okay. Take a break. Take a break.

Okay, think about who was the coolest woman you and I have ever known, ever.

Okay, um, all right.

Okay, wait a second. Are we gonna have the sex talk?

Okay, with people actually enjoying services ? People showing up at all ?

Okay, yes, you are, you are, but you‘re our workaholic, and we‘re very proud ofyou.

Okay, yes. Yes, I am. I‘m in a very good mood.

Okay, you do that.

Okay, you got me. Take me away. Okay.

Okay, you know what ? Don‘t tell me. I don‘t even need to know.

Okay? I don‘t usually do this,

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay. ‘Cause you know better than that, right?

Okay. Come in for one second. Come in for one second.

Okay. Now, tell me, Father, how long has it been since your last drink?

Okay. Thanks.

Okay. Um,

Okay. Yes, you do. You suck.

On the first woman I‘ve ever had any real romantic feeling for?

One time—— once, when I was reallyyoung, we had——

One: | likeyou a lot,

Ooh, baby, no. We gotta save room for dessert.

Or because I‘m Rabbijake.

Or if / took you for granted, / am so sorry

Or ifl still love her—— which I do... very much.

Or the situation in Israel or the status of**** around the world.

Oryou could stick around, okay?

Our first big idea was to turn this abandoned gay disco...

Over 70! Come on! All theyoung****!

Ow!

People should have to qualify to go out with you.

People, it was a popular film with Brad Pitt. You have the ultimate Cliff Note.

Perfect. Middle Eastern. She can order in Arabic. Give her a chance to shine.

Please don‘t spoil this, hmm? I got you. I‘m proud ofyou.

Please, call me, okay, Finn .7 Brian, call Anna. Please to call

Please, don‘t go.

Please, we were so young We were kids.

Pretend you ’re a couple. What’s wrong with that .7 What are you, busy .7

Rabbi [Speaking Hebrew]

Rabbi jacob Schram.

Rabbi Lewis. Anna, this is Rabbi Lewis. Rabbi Lewis——

Rabbi Schram.

Rabbi, rabbi—— [Continues, Indistinct]

Rachel Rose, 29 years old. Columbia School ofjournalism. Middle East affairs expert.

Really? Is it like a—— something—— big thing?

Reconnecting with this part of myself that has been shut down for a long time.

Reilly .7 L et me guess: She became a nun .7

Religion was really more of a hobby for him at first