Good Morning, Vietnam (1987) Edit

A bar brawl, that's one, Cronauer.

A conviction on a charge of treason against the United States

A friend?

A little conference here, Wilk. A little conference, time out, everyone.

A little dignity!

A little of this: Whoo whoo whoo.

A South Vietnamese boy with you and Garlick.

A woman by the river going,

Absolutely not.

Adrian Cronauer is on temporary assignment

Adrian Cronauer is on temporary assignment,

Adrian Cronauer, Gls, a wacky and welcome addition...

Adrian Cronauer.

Adrian Cronauer.

Affirmative, sir.

AFRS Radio is owned and operated by the United States government

After that country's unilateral declaration of independence.

AFVN better than AFVD, which means you have to get a quick shot.

Aha!

Airman Cronauer requesting you to elaborate.

All of a sudden you...

All of a sudden, Well, I got drunk. All of a sudden, I went for a tattoo.

All right, guys, let's say goodbye to the radio star!

All right, in Saigon today, according to official sources,

All right, this is Adrian Cronauer. I'm on at 6:00 and again at 4.

All right!

All right?

All right.

All the news that's new and approved by the U.S. Army,

Also Elizab... Queen Elizabeth, Liz...

Also Elizab... Queen Elizabeth, Liz...

Also, tea would fall into that category.

Also, the pope decided today to release Vatican related bath products.

Always rinse you razor with cold water instead of hot.

American personnel can check out a book

An incredible coincidence, some more songs.

An incredible thing. Yes, it's the new Pope on a Rope.

An Loc? Shit.

An Loc. And Cronauer would definitely be going along?

An Loc. His pass say An Loc.

And Airman Adrian Cronauer is going home today.

And all that's gonna be left in here are a couple of brain dead rednecks,

And as far as polkas, they are a much maligned musical taste.

And bearing a striking resemblance to myself

And company clerk.

And Ethel Merman jams Russian radar.

And fire department responded at what's believed to be unofficial

And for trusting, you is the best of the gently of what you say

And get ready for the Ho Chi Minh two step.

And goddamn it and stupid and crap.

And how lucky for me. Thank you very much for playing.

And I consider him a good, close personal friend.

And I don't want it dependent on a disc jockey.

And I gotta get on a plane and we have to do with what we can.

And I literally think that you owe it to all of them

And I'd like to get to know all of you

And I'll be filling in until he arrives, hopefully, sometime this morning.

And I'm stupid enough to save your bullshit life at An Loc.

And if you do happen to speak with him,

And it makes me a little nervous.

And my older brother, who be 29 years old, he dead.

And now here are the headlines.

And now they tell me that my best friend is the goddamn enemy.

And operates on an assigned carrier frequency of 540 at 749 megahertz.

And perhaps some night, we could maybe get together

And play those tapes on the radio?

And should describe the contents of your duffel.

And some sort of social infection that doesn't go away.

And thanks so much for joining us.

And then try and take her into a bed.

And they buy her some expensive food, and then lie about money.

And they won't be off the sand till November. Ha ha ha! Bada bing!

And Third Man Theme on the Kirk I nternational...

And this is just radio.

And this one is brought to you by our friends at the Pentagon.

And try and cook him down, maybe a little barbecue.

And two men whose identities are still not known were unofficially dead.

And we learned a lot from you.

And we're having a major difficulty in finding the enemy.

And what fun would that be?

And which Marx brother would that be, private? Zeppo?

And who gave anyone permission to program modern music?

And whoever says yes, we shoot them.

And yet this boy can get in and out without a scratch.

And you.

And you're also very quiet.

And your selections will be mailed to you.

And, well, comedy is a kind of hobby of mine.

Andy Williams, Perry Como and certain ballads by Mr. Frank Sinatra.

Antics, damn it. Comedy of errors, like the Keystone Kops falling down.

Any girl who wants me this bad, I can't let her down.

Any movement on the Walter Brennan thing?

Anyway, he's the man that you don't want to aggravate.

Are asked to contact Lieutenant Sam Scheer.

Are asked to do so no later than August 13th

Are you planning, sir, to take some of the marijuana back to the United States?

Arf! Easy, girl, easy.

As all duffels look alike.

As I leave Vietnam today there is no doubt, certainly, in my mind...

Asking for Cronauer's reinstatement.

At 0600 hours and 1600 hours to hear that lunatic.

At ease. I'm General Taylor.

At this present moment.

Attention, shoppers. People, people, settle.

Aw, no. Ha ha ha.

Baby, help me, please.

Barring any change in the weather,

Basically, we talk, Hey, man, what's happening?

Because I intend to take issue with your performance.

Because I thought a certain segment of the men

Because it gets you on your toes better than a strong cup of cappuccino.

Because it's not.

Because sometimes he Stan Getz...

Because we not human to them.

Because, basically, I believe that that man is a misunderstood genius.

Been harassing me since the day I got off the plane.

Beyond sight and sound.

Big fucking deal.

Bob likes a big room, sir.

Bookworms, Headquarters Support Activities Saigon

Boston. You know who sang the song My Guy?

Britain imposed an oil embargo on Rhodesia today

Bullshit. I know Nixon personally.

But facts are facts.

But he left a farewell message for all you guys out there

But I can easily play an occasional Gary Lewis record.

But I warn you, you not like it when you get there.

But I'd like to delve into something slightly more personal

But I'm gonna turn you over right now to Mr. Excitement.

But I'm gonna turn you over right now to Mr. Warmth, Dan The Tan Levitan.

But my father's nice and he's not funny either.

But not before his humour cost the lives of three very fine individuals.

But regardless of what you read, airman,

But then do it by using comedy and humour.

But this stuff you wrote, it's not funny, sir. It's sad.

But watch the liberties you take.

But what about the silent masses who do?

But you're not crazy, you're mean.

But, boy, do I have a surprise for you.

But, hey, such is life. Me, I'm not much with power tools.

By having you write down your name, address,

By the food and flower vendors where you burn your mouth on the noodles.

Bye, bye bye.

Call me crazy, he's in Rome.

Campbell's.

Can I help you?

Can we have...? Is there a psychiatrist here?

Can we please not get into this right now? You're in the middle of a show.

Can we try, My boyfriend's back? Anybody?

Can you believe the shape of those gals? Girls.

Can you envision some fairly unattractive alternatives?

Can you say something funny right this minute?

Can you tell us what you've found out about the enemy since you've been here?

Can't see dick.

Captain Hauk sucks the sweat off a dead man's balls.

Chaperons.

Chattanooga Choo Choo, Meet Me In Chicago,

Cleveland? Vietnam's not that much of a change for you, then.

Come on, let me buy you a couple of beers. How about it?

Come on, pal, we'll make it.

Come on, sir. I n a couple of weeks, this'll be easy for you.

Come on, this is not the Catskills.

Come on, Wilkie, it's cursing class.

Come on, yes.

Come on, you're on in like two seconds.

Coming your way.

Corner of Viet Ho and Hguen Van Theiuh streets here in Saigon.

Could not drive in a convertible on highways.

Cowgirls are called gals.

Cretan camouflage.

CRONAUER [IN NORMAL VOICE]: Here's a coincidence:

CRONAUER [ON TAPE]: Well, I didn't make that suggestion, sir.

CRONAUER [SINGING]: Here she comes

CRONAUER [YELLS ON RADIO]: Good morning, Vietnam.

CRONAUER [YELLS ON TAPE]: Goodbye, Vietnam.

Cronauer, I'm sorry as hell about this thing.

CRONAUER: A very well hung Chihuahua.

CRONAUER: A khaki eclipse. TUAN: I better go now.

CRONAUER: All right! Thank you.

CRONAUER: Are you always this happy?

CRONAUER: Basically, it's hotter than a snake's ass in a waggon round up.

CRONAUER: Either of our names Earl? He calls everybody Earl.

CRONAUER: Have you considered a sex change?

CRONAUER: Here's a riddle for you.

CRONAUER: Hey, I'm Adrian Cronauer. I'm on again at 1600.

CRONAUER: How can you fight a war in this shit?

CRONAUER: How would you describe your sex life with your wife, Pat?

CRONAUER: I have to admit something to you.

CRONAUER: I was wondering if you could do your Mister Ed, because...

CRONAUER: I'm impressed.

CRONAUER: If I don't get to class,

CRONAUER: Is that a new rule? GARLICK: No, old rule.

CRONAUER: Jesus, enough.

CRONAUER: Look.

CRONAUER: Oh, Edward, I'm in love. Think she likes seafood?

CRONAUER: Okay, everybody, let's play ball!

CRONAUER: Real homey, in an opium kind of way.

CRONAUER: Shit. GARLICK: One more time.

CRONAUER: Sir?

CRONAUER: So this is the country where they grow rattan love seats.

CRONAUER: So, what's wrong with that? TUAN: It's more devout here.

CRONAUER: Sounds like a couple of cops in Brooklyn,

CRONAUER: Thank you for that concise political commentary,

CRONAUER: Thank you. Hey.

CRONAUER: Under the Boardwalk, you know that one?

CRONAUER: Very good. All right, now. All right, let's recap now, okay.

CRONAUER: Warm? No, this is a setting for London broil.

CRONAUER: We're not in Kansas anymore, Toto.

CRONAUER: We've got a special man in the audience today, it's Mr. Leo.

CRONAUER: Well, first thing, Garlick, is you gotta requisition a new name.

CRONAUER: What are they doing? Oh, they're Buddhists.

CRONAUER: What do you think you'll do, Ed...

CRONAUER: What, sir? Oh, my God.

CRONAUER: Who will do the Cronauer show?

CRONAUER: Why do you make every town sound like a Mexican restaurant?

CRONAUER: Will you cut that out? We're the same rank.

CRONAUER: You all played a good game.

CRONAUER: You okay? GARLICK: Yeah.

CRONAUER: You wanna give me a ride, or am I gonna have to buy another bike?

Cronauer!

Cub Scouts don't have heavy artillery.

Cut that thing off. I said cut it off.

Da Nang me, Da Nang me Why don't they get a rope and hang me?

Dan Levitan.

Dan Levitan. You've probably heard my radio show.

Dick, I've covered for you a lot of times because I thought you was a little crazy,

DICKERSON: No, sir, frankly, I do not understand.

DICKERSON: The man should be court martialled.

DICKERSON: This is not over yet.

DICKERSON: Wanna interview some Gls in the field, sir,

DICKERSON: Welcome back.

Didn't have to pick up the phones until he comes back.

Didn't know they had balls.

Didn't we meet last year at the Peninsula Club? No.

Didn't you ever wonder why you were pulled out

Didn't you hear? I cannot find you unless you talk to me.

Dig in. Mm mm.

DISPATCHER [OVER RADIO]: Fire 4, there's a fire in the landing

DISPATCHER [OVER RADIO]: Four twenty seven as far as...

Do you ever wonder how a young South Vietnamese boy

Do you have any idea how ridiculous it makes me look

Do you like good food?

Do you really expect me to run this radio station

Doesn't mean you're like going:

Don't build him up. You'll let them down.

Don't disappoint your...

Don't get crazy over this, Dick. We're only talking about a damn deejay.

Don't get me wrong, he seems like a nice guy,

Don't go near there. Get away from the river, stay away.

Don't ruin it by conjuring up images of Dale Evans, all right?

Don't try to do comedy. It's not in your blood.

Don't you understand, Dick?

DREIWITZ [ON RADIO]: All star rookie Pete Rose's three hits...

Dreiwitz, I've assigned you to cover the PC.

Dreiwitz, I've assigned you to cover the PC.

DREIWITZ: Coming up at the top of the hour.

DREIWITZ: I tell you, this guy's funny. I'm trying to run a meeting here.

DREIWITZ: Please welcome to the microphone, the lieutenant of laughs,

Due respect, sir.

Due to luggage lost on transport carriers.

E.g., Hey, Hauk, eat a bag of shit. You suck.

Earl, oh, you again. No more fighting, okay?

Easy, Madge.

Eddie Kirk here, and Ray Conniff jubilee coming up in just a few moments.

Eddie, sometimes you got to go out of your way to get into trouble.

Edward, don't you ever do anything that's not by the book?

Edward, I tried to tell the truth and they kicked me off the air.

Edward, please. That's two nasty words in one year.

Elizabeth Taylor. Elizabeth Taylor.

End of an inning.

Enemy? What is enemy?

Ethel Merman today uses a test to jam Russian radar.

Even encapsulated in two seconds, my life is dull.

Even saying that means I don't know dick.

Every GI in this country is glued to his radio twice a day

Everybody say gook, but it's all right.

Excuse me, sir.

Feels like the Mouseketeers show. Annette, Cubby, Roy.

Filling in for my buddy, vacationing Eddie Kirk,

First of all, don't make fun of the weather here.

First thing I'd like to know is what subject this is.

Five months in Saigon, my best friend turns out to be a VC.

Five thirty, it's very early. I may have to hurt you.

Flip them a bird!

Flip them the bird.

For crying out loud, man, this isn't brain surgery.

For me, I want to do something different.

For my good friend Frenchy.

For the men in the field.

For those of you recovering from a hangover, that's gonna sound just right.

Forget it, will you? Listen, I give up.

Forget memos, forget memos. These are pretty women coming.

Former President Eisenhower, actually cartoon character Elmer Fudd.

Former Vice President Richard Nixon's in town.

Former VP Richard Nixon will arrive here this week.

Former VP Richard Nixon will arrive here this week.

Frankly, I found your I love a police action remark way out of line.

Freddie and the Dreamers.

Friends of Phan Duc Tho.

From now on, the fighting men of Vietnam

Furthermore, you are to stick to playing normal modes of music.

G2, Corporal Tiser, sir.

Gambia, Singapore and the Maldive Islands join the United Nations.

Garlick, will you cut it out?

GARLICK: Adrian Cronauer.

GARLICK: From a Marine in Da Nang:

GARLICK: Heh heh heh. I like you already, sir.

GARLICK: I can't, sir. CRONAUER: You don't understand.

GARLICK: I learned enough about radio stations.

GARLICK: I'd like an explanation.

GARLICK: I'll work on that, sir.

GARLICK: I'm Private First Class Edward Montesque Garlick, sir.

GARLICK: It's just down the hall. CRONAUER: Yeah.

GARLICK: That's another person, sir.

GARLICK: This is a nightmare. CRONAUER: I don't know.

GARLICK: Try it again.

GARLICK: We got one call from some guy in Wichita

GARLICK: We're here, sir. Jimmy Wah's.

GARLICK: You think we've reached Cambodia yet?

Genius? What are you saying to me?

Gentlemen, I don't know... Oh, my God, these lips.

Gentlemen, what can I say but hi.

Get a job. Right. We got it, you're cooking now.

Get back here!

Get back.

Get off. Go, go, go.

Get somebody good, The Beach Boys. Don't dick around.

Gets into and out of VC held territory?

Give it a go, give it a go.

Go into conference. That point. That fence.

God only knows what they'd say, sir.

God, I've gotta be with her, at least till she learns my name.

God, is it hot.

God!

God. Nude photographs of Walter Brennan.

Goddamn it, I like you, son. I like what you do.

Goddamn it.

Good God, help me. Work through it.

Good morning, Vietnam? What the heck is that supposed to mean?

Good morning, Vietnam.

Got an agreement on Guam. Sounds like bird droppings.

Great and manifold are our blessings today.

Great Britain recognised the island state of Singapore.

Great week.

Greetings and salutations to any and all servicemen in the area

Guam, sir? There's nothing going on in Guam.

Guess who the hell I got in here.

Guys, I'd like you to meet our new deejay, Adrian Cronauer.

Ha, ha. Thank you so much, Adrian.

HAUK: Sir, if it is my programming choices, I can change.

HAUK: We simply need to consider taking him off the air.

He came to us because of prostrate problems

He could end up an MIA, and then we'd all be put on KP.

He did a very off colour parody of former VP Nixon.

He didn't show up for work today either.

He likes to say PC instead of press conference.

He lugs a trainload of shit behind him that would fertilise the Sinai.

He maliciously and with purposeful intent read unofficial news.

He reminds me a lot of Donna Reed, especially around the eyes.

He says he wants to buy naked photographs of the actor.

He was a commander of an elite special forces unit.

He was quoted as saying,

He's a fashion consultant for the Army.

He's a friend from my class who risked his ass to save my life.

He's a little goofy, but he's okay.

He's also one of your roommates, so if I were you, I'd think about suicide.

He's an exhilarating personality, and polkas are just no substitute.

He's currently wanted by the South Vietnamese police

He's disobeyed orders as to style and content.

He's impeccably clean.

He's left Crete. He's entered the demilitarised zone.

He's not out till you have both halves of the ball.

He's read unofficial news. What's he gonna be like in six months?

He's the first man in the history of Armed Forces Radio to get fan mail.

Heading north.

Heavily fortified and considered very unsafe, sir.

Heh, heh. You know, it's like wearing stripes and plaid.

Hello, campers. Remember, Monday is malaria day.

Hello, class. My name is Adrian Cronauer.

Hello, hello, hello. This is your chaplain, Captain Noel,

Hello, hey. Well, the gang's all here, huh? Ha, ha.

Hello, Vietnam, and greetings.

Help me get some photo of those ankle, I give you my bar.

Here it is, coming for you now. Quick news flash.

Here they come at you right now.

Here to get something, leaving when you not get it.

Here you go, there you go. Hey, got one? For you.

Here your beer.

Here's a brief test of that jamming.

Here's a little James Brown coming your way.

Here's how you do it, Slip me some skin. Put your hand out there.

Here's something exciting:

Here's the weather. We're gonna go to Roosevelt E. Roosevelt.

Hey, 12, please. Um...

Hey, baby, what's happening? Let's groove.

Hey, come on now, if you kick out the gooks,

Hey, Cronauer, say, Good morning, Vietnam.

Hey, fellas, how's the cough drop business?

Hey, guys.

Hey, hey, hey, come on now.

Hey, hey, hey.

Hey, hey. Hey, Uncle Phil.

Hey, hi, can you help me? What's your name?

Hey, I like you. I just wanna be your friend, okay?

Hey, I'll be... I wanna be your pal. Here, okay, I'll eat it.

Hey, I'll take whatever you can give because I'm just happy to be with you.

Hey, it's another delightful day here in vacation land.

Hey, let me ask you a question. What is the appeal of Joey Bishop?

Hey, listen, I know there's no way.

Hey, Mr. O'Malley, O'Malley. You know, the Irish Dolby twins.

Hey, nah, hey, nah, my boyfriend's back. Can we try that one?

Hey, that was the great exciting sound of Petula Clark.

Hey, that wraps it up for me, Marty Lee Dreiwitz.

Hey, there we go, for you. Here we go, for you all.

Hey, there you are, Cronauer.

Hey, this is not a test. This is rock 'n' roll.

Hey, we got a great show coming your way today.

Hey, we're back.

Hey, we're going right now to the news.

Hey, what kind of news are you leaving me there?

Hey, where's he going?

Hey, you two Earl. What about couple beer?

Hey.

Hey. That's Nixon.

Hi, Earl, good to see you again.

Hi, hi, hi.

Hi, this is Marty Lee Dreiwitz at Cronauer Control Centre.

Hi, what's your name? [SHOUTS] Bob Fliber!

Hi.

Hi. How's Lynn doing?

His father and brother was killed by French long ago.

Hmm.

Ho Chi Minh

Ho Chi Minh, Colonel Sanders, actually the same person?

Hold on, how big is this thing? Hold on, how big is this?

Hotter things is my shorts.

How am I gonna get this girl to go out with me?

How am I gonna get to first base with this girl?

How can some person look like a shit?

How can you have the gall to compare the conflict here in Vietnam

How come I don't get one?

How do we know it's Adrian Cronauer?

How do you recognise an island?

How easy is it gonna be to get him off the air then?

How would you describe your testicles?

How would you do that?

How you doing? You could fly to Guam with those.

Hubert Humphrey visits Capitol Hill. A children's story.

I also recognise your species of soldier.

I am a lieutenant and I would like salutes occasionally.

I am the authorities, you moron.

I call it a jubilee. Actually, it's a Ray Conniff featurette.

I can come up with alternatives other than Crete.

I can only tell you about how you can talk on maybe the real streets of America.

I can't believe you.

I can't believe you're gonna pass on this. The man is a goddamn subversive.

I can't even make fun of Richard Nixon.

I can't really teach English.

I come home in a box.

I could cook things in it. Crotch pot cooking.

I damn near busted a gut laughing at him. And the troops, they love him.

I deserve to be notified of any changes that are made.

I do nothing.

I don't care about polkas. They're rioting in Hue.

I don't know what that means.

I don't know what to say.

I don't know what to say. We're gonna maybe drop in a little napalm

I don't know what's gonna happen, man. I don't know.

I don't know where they are. I don't even know where am.

I don't know, lieutenant.

I don't know, lieutenant. I guess it means good morning, uh, Vietnam.

I don't like what you say or how you say it.

I don't like your style, your politics or your sense of humour.

I don't recommend that you tangle with me on this one.

I don't think anybody would see you fall through a radio, sir.

I don't think seeing your little production of Our Town is gonna cheer me up.

I don't think you understand me, Sparky. Ahem.

I don't wanna be around when he broadcasts U.S. Troop movements.

I don't want makes you nervous, Cronauer.

I expect every minute of the VP's PC

I feel like a fox in a chicken coop.

I fought to get you into that bar, and then you blow the fucking place up!

I gave you my friendship and my trust

I go out with girls who talk so much you can hook them up to a wind turbine

I got it. Jerry Vale. He closes the Copa on the 18th.

I got people stuck in places they haven't even considered how to get out of yet.

I got something I gotta do.

I gotta get her something.

I gotta tell you something, you know.

I guess I get inside, hit these air conditioners. I get a little dizzy.

I guess that beach movie really impressed her, huh?

I had a guy like you in the field one time. He blew himself to pieces.

I have arranged for an honourable discharge

I have never ever, in my travels, come across a man as large as you

I have no idea what that means, sir, but it seems very negative to me.

I have over 15 years command experience in this Army.

I have to leave the country because of my association with him.

I just came from Crete with women that look like Zorba.

I just remain reticent.

I just wanna report the truth. It'd be a nice change of pace.

I just want you to know one thing,

I just wanted to think that you should...

I know about the bombings, Sparky.

I know Americans.

I know because she's my sister.

I know you very nice.

I made a date with you and Trinh tomorrow.

I may go downtown, look for a Vietnamese man named Phil.

I mean, I don't know. It's the Irish boy.

I mean, I know funny, and I don't think you're it.

I mean, the man's not funny. I know funny and he's not funny.

I n fact, it's 2 degrees cooler today than yesterday.

I n the dictionary, under asshole, it says, See him.

I n the eight weeks he's been on the air, general,

I n time, you will make me forget it.

I n Vietnam, family often come to meet someone, to meet someone.

I n your shopping trip.

I ncidentally, you're on the air in about ten seconds.

I never thought I'd find women attractive again.

I not think be not correct of way. Please, okay?

I recommend you pack quietly.

I said it is none of your goddamn business.

I said, who brought in the fucking gook?

I saw one of those guys, their orange robes, burst into flames.

I say tomato, you say cây tomat.

I screw up once more, Dickerson sends me into the field.

I see your point.

I still can't believe she really wants to see me.

I think he sounds exactly like Mister Ed. You be the judge.

I think some apologies are in order.

I think that I see a pattern forming here.

I think that's not fair to him.

I think the troops are trying to tell us something, fellas.

I think this fall, the discerning GI is gonna be wearing green in the jungle.

I thought it was hilarious.

I trust you, man, it's just that I can't eat something that looks like a cesspool.

I trusted you.

I try to find Cronauer. He don't show up in class.

I understand you're pretty funny as a deejay.

I wanna kiss his ring and have it go:

I want to say goodbye before you go.

I want to see him ASAP.

I want to show you something very nice.

I want to tell you something.

I want to turn in the ball to the original place.

I want your bags packed and ready to go tomorrow afternoon.

I wanted to wait until the airman left to talk with you.

I was almost killed.

I was sent here on very strict orders from a colonel.

I was thinking of something else.

I won't forget you.

I would like to buy some cheese and some butter.

I would, however, love to buy you lunch, maybe look at a family album.

I wouldn't buy an apple from the son of a bitch,

I'd like you to collate these one minute spots prior to broadcast.

I'll burn you so bad you'll wish you died as a child.

I'll do fine. Comedy is what you make it.

I'm afraid you're gonna be hitting bottom, sir.

I'm certain that I'm a Catholic boy, and I don't know when I'll be getting laid.

I'm gonna give you the old chuck on the shoulder now.

I'm gonna phone it in, okay? Enough bullshit. I'm out of here. See you.

I'm gonna take myself out of the driver's seat,

I'm informing you that you're out of here.

I'm interested in the girl, not in you playing Dear Abby.

I'm just going off to Vietnam.

I'm not going on.

I'm not gonna cover for you this time, son.

I'm O... O... O... O'Malley. He's good... Oh, he's good.

I'm pretty sure you can step on crap. I once saw it in a French movie.

I'm real good at stuff like that.

I'm saying I'm through, Ed.

I'm sorry, son.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. What're you gonna do about it, asshole?

I'm sorry. You look like Lynn's friend from Toledo.

I'm tired of people telling me what I can't say.

I'm waiting to die.

I'm with you, man. I'm on your frequency.

I've been all around the world, seen a lot of places and a lot of people.

I've been broadcasting the polkas

I've been on a Greek island with women who look like Zorba.

I've been on the air for four hours. I'm hungry.

I've been trying to tell him that it's no go, but he won't listen.

I've got pages and pages of great material.

I've had no actual...

I've taken 90 calls this morning. They just don't like Hauk.

I've wanted girls like that, but I've had trouble as a young child.

I've... I'll never have them.

If a field radio...

If anything screws up, it's my ass in the mower.

If it isn't funny, then why did I hear you laughing when you typed it?

If it's being done correctly here or abroad, it's probably not being done by the Army.

If someone in America comes up and says,

If something's really nice, you say it's groovy.

If the engine's humming, it's already started.

If this is legitimate, it must go through proper channels.

If you can't stop in and select your own books,

If you don't understand, you should take my English class.

If you haven't noticed, the Army doesn't really want me, Ed.

If you say that, hey, some people in a car, some gypsies, they cut you off.

If you two have personal problems, solve them, will you?

If you wanna blend into a crowd of drunken Greeks, there's nothing better.

If you wanna continue to have a brother, you take me to him now!

If you're going to be dressing in civilian clothes, don't forget pumps.

If you're walking on the streets of New York and someone says,

In connection with several bombings in the area,

In Ku Bai, Da Nang, Phung Tao, Saigon, Bien Hoa and San Treng.

Including the one at Jimmy Wah's.

Is it true that there is a marijuana problem here in Vietnam?

Is that me, or does that sound like an Presley movie?

Isn't that funny? You like that too?

It doesn't make a damn whether you play polkas or don't play polkas.

It involves Cronauer, which makes me suspicious immediately.

It is hazardous and has been for about 48 hours.

It just came down the pike. You're back on the air, sir.

It says goodbye to everybody staying behind.

It says... What sizes you got? You got large, medium and Caucasian.

It was a pleasure making your acquaintance, sir.

It zoomed right by, just the way they say it does.

It'll be okay.

It's 0600. What's the O stand for? Oh, my God, it's early.

It's 1629 hours here in Saigon

It's a bathing cap. I just like to put a bathing cap.

It's a greeting. It's like, How are you doing? Slip me some skin.

It's a privilege to take comedy notes from a man of your stature.

It's a simple rule.

It's a stupid thing to do, isn't it?

It's all yours, you got it.

It's called fun. What's that? Come on.

It's cool, no big deal. Look.

It's dangerous out there.

It's Hanoi Hannah.

It's like, Wow, baby. I don't know what's going down.

It's not a pretty picture. There's pieces of rubber all over his face.

It's not a very pretty picture. There's horns everywhere.

It's that hot. You know?

It's the guys in the field that matter, remember?

It's time for Adrian Cronauer.

It's unbelievable.

It's very difficult to find a Vietnamese man named Charlie.

It's women in comfortable shoes. Thank you.

Jeez! Shit! God. Oh, hot.

Jesus, that guy's as boring as whale shit.

Joey Bishop. I wish someone would explain this one to me.

Join the Army and mark things.

Just a moment, come on.

Just cool your tongue, airman,

Just don't let it happen again.

Just don't let it happen again.

Just moments before the whole place blew up?

Just say that that kind of music was inappropriate?

Just so we can book a big name comedian.

Keep your eye on the fruit.

KIRK [ON RADIO]: Shuffle Off to Buffalo, The Sidewalks of New York.

KIRK: A form of humour, sir. LEVITAN: Hackensack.

KIRK: I will tell him, sir. Didn't I speak to you before?

KIRK: It's working. McPHERSON: Oh, yeah, this way, please.

KIRK: Oh, what a dude.

KIRK: We're happy with him too, sir.

KIRK: Yes, sir. LEVITAN: How the hell do I know?

Knock yourselves out.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the new voice of Saigon,

Larry, Pisces. Thank you very much.

Left, left, left, right, left.

Let me make it up to you by buying a cup of coffee.

Let me put it to you this way. He's got this thing for Walter Brennan.

Let's be friends, okay? Come on.

Let's get down to business here, general. What is going on here?

Let's go whether it's a double or a daiquiri.

Let's pull her right back down. Let's try it faster, see if that picks it up.

Let's try a little phrase, uh, I like to call:

Let's try a very special situation. Wilkie, something special, okay?

LEVITAN [ON RADIO]: So take your liberties,

LEVITAN [ON RADIO]: This is AFRS, Radio Saigon.

LEVITAN: Levitan. WOMAN: Levitan.

LEVITAN: My name is Levitan. Can you say that?

LEVITAN: To avoid razor burn problems,

Lieutenant Scheer asks those men with waterlogged mitts

Lieutenant Schneer...

Like hunting with Ray Charles.

Listen, his life is in danger. You gotta tell me where the hell he is.

Listen, I gotta talk to you. Now. Come on.

Listen, if you have any problems here now, you come see me.

Listen, jerk off, we're here fighting for your country.

Listen, no more games, okay?

Listen, Sparky,

Listen.

Look at the shape of that soldier ankle, the way it so elegantly curve into his boot.

Look at this thing. A little Italian party favour there.

Look at this thing. This is going like, Yeah, check it out.

Look out, I'm singing, everybody. I'm singing.

Look, I caught his show on the Isle of Crete, and this guy is funny.

Look, Italian moon launch.

Lost luggage.

Made you look.

Major Kleiner requests that you do not describe your duffel,

MAN [ON RADIO]: Despite a letter of intention.

MAN [ON RADIO]: Has signed Les Crane to a talk show.

MAN 1: Hey, hey, man, hey! MAN 2: Get him.

MAN 1: Yeah, that's right, man. MAN 2: Hurry up, man.

MAN 3: All right.

MAN 4: Hey, sarge, where are the women?

Man, he's gonna say goodbye to the whole goddamn country now.

MAN: Groovy. Yes.

MAN: Let's go. MP 1: Come on, get back.

MAN: Oh, my God!

MAN: To recover contents such as shoes, socks and undergarments.

MAN: We got a new man coming in.

Mantovani?

Maybe I can work in a station back home or something.

Maybe thousands of calls and letters each week, fan mail.

Mayday. Dragon lady with incredible figure at 11 o'clock, stop the car.

McPHERSON: It's... Turn it off now.

McPHERSON: Wouldn't work on radio, sir. See, sir?

MI NH: Thank you.

Military intelligence? There's a contradiction in terms.

Military politics. Nothing personal. The men like him better than they do you.

Minh!

Mission does involve... I think very appropriately.

More dire need of a blow job than any white man in history.

Most of all, I like what you've done for the men.

Moving on, moving on into the dawn with the dawn busters, yeah.

MP 2: Dead.

MP: If you attempt to deviate from the planned schedule,

MP: Okay.

Mr. Cronauer, we like your lessons better than the book's.

Mr. Nixon, while you've been in Vietnam, it's rumoured that you smoked marijuana.

My boyfriend's back and there's gonna be trouble.

My brother, okay, friends, but Vietnam ladies, not friends.

My country maybe no future.

My God, they're moving. I'm gonna flap my eyebrows to death.

My neighbour, dead. His wife, dead.

My thoughts exactly.

My... Ow. Shit.

Negative, sir. It is not.

Next thing you know, I'm on a fucking truck. What happened?

Nine, eight, seven, six...

NIXON [ON RADIO]: Whether the Vietcong will be defeated,

NIXON [ON RADIO]: It is unexciting sometimes.

NIXON [ON RADIO]: The United States has no right to give.

NIXON [ON TAPE]: And that this war will be won.

NIXON [OVER RADIO]: There is no place for neutrality

Nixon, Singapore, Lake Erie. Come on.

NIXON: Territory to the Communists.

NIXON: They lack the physical strength.

NIXON: They're soft, they're shallow

Nixon's press conference.

No fraternising with these girls in the memo.

No problem.

No problem.

No wonder you hauled ass.

No, I don't think that Cronauer is going to be back in the air, sir.

No, I like you because you're honest. Because you're shorter than I am.

No, it means groovy. Try that one.

No, it means like, Hey, baby, slip me some skin.

No, it okay. I not tell you okay otherwise.

No, no, no. He made a mistake. We all make mistakes.

No, no, you see, you step in shit, you can be full of crap.

No, no. This is not comedy. Comedy is fun.

No, sir. The former vice president is a delight, sir.

No, that doesn't say the right thing. You're right. How about...?

No, those behinds were designed

No, you step on crap. You don't call it to a person.

No? Big men with moustaches named Mary who wear mascara.

No. No friend, Cronauer.

Nobody's arguing that with you.

Not comfort for me.

Not enough for the car, yeah.

Not official news. Far as I'm concerned, it didn't happen.

Not really. See, the purpose is to inform you as to the radius of the radio waves.

Not when I get into trouble. No, I don't.

Not wild stuff.

Not without slides.

Nothing actually happened.

Now funkify it. Give me some real funk.

Now that I do, you won't turn the car around?

Now where do Cronauer go?

Now you have to go. It's better off.

Now you say hi to me, then you smile.

Now, let's start off with the fact that English is a fantastic language.

Now, this thing is a delicate balance over here,

Now, you get the hell out of here right now.

Nowhere to Run To by Martha and the Vandellas.

Obviously, you just said, I'll join the Army, and be with people in green.

Of never to be for both the same and another.

Of the Benny Goodman Orchestra.

Oh, bag it, bag it, Garlick.

Oh, censor, censor, censor.

Oh, girls, girls, come on over. Your loss.

Oh, give me a break, man. It's too hot for radio shit, okay?

Oh, God, help me. This is wonderful.

Oh, God, this could be very ugly. Hi.

Oh, God.

Oh, I got your pansy ass in a sling now, Cronauer.

Oh, it's an order. I n that case, gentlemen, let's edit.

Oh, me like that you're silly.

Oh, Mr. Cronauer, we say thank you for your fine teaching about softball.

Oh, my bar! Why? Who do that?

Oh, no, Bozo, boys and girls.

Oh, no, follow the Ho Chi Minh Trail. Follow the Ho Chi Minh Trail.

Oh, no, man, listen. Let me just feed my face.

Oh, picky, picky. Let's go, Edward. Yeah, the chase.

Oh, she pour nuoc mam noodle soup with fish ball.

Oh, she slips, she spills it on your brand new gabardine pants

Oh, shit.

Oh, sir, Walter Cronkite lives in New Jersey.

Oh, still a bad song. Hey, wait a minute. Let's try something.

Oh, two boys joined together.

Oh, you think this is a joke?

Okay, for now, suspend him.

Okay, I'll give her the best shot.

Okay, if someone is making you angrier and angrier,

Okay, join the others if you can. All right, let's see.

Okay, let's just play with the substitute, then, okay?

Okay, let's take one more ball here.

Okay, she goes in the kitchen, she gets a knife, she starts stabbing you.

Okay, Sherlock, yeah, I bribed my way to meet the girl.

Okay, sir, thank you.

Okay, we gotta play, Wilk. You're pitching.

Okay, which one of you guys is throwing his voice?

Okay, yeah, well, we'll try and do that if we get the equipment.

Okay.

Okay. Who do we have slated for live entertainment in November?

On the outside of the building.

On the road to Nha Trang. You know what I'm talking about.

One moment.

One of A.C.'s favourites.

One thing that didn't officially happen was a bomb didn't explode at 1430 hours,

Or a neutralist sentiment in South Vietnam.

Or are you normally not that inquisitive?

Or I may just stay here and listen to old Pat Boone records.

Or your ass is grass and I'm a lawnmower.

Our jeep gets blown off the road and his van won't start.

Pardon me, girls?

Percy Faith.

Perhaps you'd like to share it with the rest of us.

Phan Duc Tho!

Pick them up by their ears, it doesn't hurt them as much.

Please don't do this to me. Please don't do this.

Please make a note of it. Ahem. Excuse me.

Please, I'm... Bag it!

Plus, I think he got shot in the ass, but I can't confirm that. Heh heh heh.

Pope Paul VI celebrated a Mass in Italian.

Provided you leave without incident.

Pull up a floor here. Hi, Tuan, long time no see.

Pull.

Put these on and say, There's no place like home.

Reader's Digest is considering publishing two of my jokes.

Really, and that hair.

Red leather, yellow leather, red leather.

Red leather, yellow leather. Red leather...

Reinstate the man.

Relax already, crazy American.

Remember, the people who brought you Korea.

Remember, this is the Vietnamese word Con Dum.

Requisitioned for a name change.

Respectfully, sir, the former VP is a good man and a decent man.

Right now, it's once again time for the King Kong of Saigon,

Right now, let's play a song from Adrian's own playlist,

Right now, yes.

Right, Abersold?

Roosevelt, how's it going?

Route 1 A, sir, is the only route to An Loc, sir.

Say that.

Say, Hey, baby, what's happening? Let's groove.

Say, we're not supposed to fraternise with these girls.

Second...

Seeing as how the VP is such a VI P,

Sensational.

Seretse Khama becomes the first premier of Bechuanaland.

Sergeant Major Dickerson, ha, that's another story altogether.

Sergeant Sloan our teacher. You're not supposed to be in here.

SERGEANT: Left, right!

SERGEANT: Move out. Go.

SERGEANT: Who brought in the gook?

Set me free Why don't you, babe?

She comes over, brings you a red soup. She's got some tomato soup.

She comes up, she spills soup all over you, looks at you like,

She likes the Three Stooges. [AS CURLY] Hey, Moe, hey, Moe.

She likes the Three Stooges. [AS CURLY] Hey, Moe, hey, Moe.

She looks pretty to me. Whatever it is, I like it

She want to meet you today. She's not far from here.

She's actually going home.

She's beautiful and quick. Speed up, check her stamina.

She's got spoons in your eyes, Will.

She's not for you.

She's say no. That's what walking away from you means.

She's stabbing you. She's putting forks in you.

She's still married after six months. Way to go, Liz, hey.

Shopping for dinner and the things you buy during, uh...

Shot by American.

Should've gotten the one with the training wheels, pal.

Shouldn't we keep the PC on the q.t., because if it leaks to the VC,

Shout by the Isley Brothers, you know that?

Sir, I recommend we issue a 24 hour pass.

Sir, I'm begging you.

Sir, in my heart, I know I'm funny.

Sir, it's time to rise.

Sir, sir!

Sir, the man has got an irreverent tendency.

Sir, the man is a walking keg of dynamite.

Sir, these letters are unequivocal.

Sir, with all due respect, I think you're gonna...

Sir, you heard from the men who don't like my humour,

Sir, you've made the correct choice.

Sir!

Sir? Do you see anything on this uniform indicating an officer?

Slip me some skin, don't be afraid.

SLOAN: I want to buy some butter and some cheese, please.

SLOAN: Last time, in our last class, we read Chapter 3.

So do I.

So every item's checked by these two guys in here.

So fuck it.

So if you have to be rushed to a hospital,

So many things not happen the way you want them.

So nice, so good.

So please, tune in.

So send in your postcards to Eddie Kirk, right here.

So what?

So without further ado, here's a farewell extravaganza.

SOLDIER 1: What the hell's the holdup? SOLDIER 2: Check it out.

SOLDIER 11: I like James Brown. You like James Brown. Yes, sir.

SOLDIER 4: Senator Dirksen! SOLDIER 5: Hey, Curly!

SOLDIER 7: Peterson, get up here, man. I think we got Cronauer here.

SOLDIER 8: Yeah. Shit, I can't think of it. Thank you for playing.

SOLDIER 9: Yeah. SOLDIER 10: Stones.

SOLDIER: Yes, sir.

SOLDIERS: All right!

SOLDIERS: One, two, three, four.

SOLDIERS: Yeah!

Some people get sick, yeah.

Something funny, Garlick?

Somewhere over there.

Soon, the news. Then...

Sorry, sir. I haven't been to sleep.

Sorry.

Sound like you learned English from Tonto. We go.

Sparky. Sitting back, having a cup of formaldehyde.

Speaking of early, how about that Cro Magnon, Marty Dreiwitz?

Special song going out to you right now.

Specifically... Excuse me.

Staggers the imagination.

Still sweating it out in the fields.

Still, it's better than New York in the summer.

STUDENTS [IN UNISON]: Pissed me off. MAN: Pissed me off.

STUDENTS [IN UNISON]: Shit. MAN: Shit.

Sugar and spice. Ha, ha.

Sukiyaki, Volare, The Portuguese Washerwoman,

Surely, you're familiar with that incident.

Swinging Steven Hauk.

Take some chances once in a while, Edward. That's what life's all about.

Take the ball, will you? I'll give you money if you take the ball.

Take you home.

Take you home. Safe now from VC.

Talk.

Talking out in the field today.

Taxi!

TAYLOR: Cronauer. Sir.

TAYLOR: He made a mistake. DICKERSON: Mistake, sir?

TAYLOR: Lieutenant, we get hundreds,

TAYLOR: We'll handle it.

Tell him, thanks. It's nice to bomb in another language.

Tell them, James. Hurt them now. Ha, ha.

Terrorism's on the uprise in Saigon.

Than a strong cup of cappuccino or an espresso enema.

Thank you all the same, and...

Thank you for playing anyway. Here it is right now. What's your name?

Thank you for silky smooth sound. Make me sound like Peggy Lee.

Thank you for that constructive criticism.

Thank you for that constructive criticism.

Thank you for your support. Now I've got a show to do.

Thank you, lieutenant.

Thank you, lieutenant.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you. Mm mm.

Thanks for setting me straight.

Thanks.

That funky music will drive us till the dawn.

That is humour. I recognise that.

That is not what we program here.

That last two seconds of silence was Marcel Marceau's newest single:

That love is here to stay

That one's coming at you now.

That should be personnel missing luggage.

That was Louis B. Armstrong, the great Satchmo.

That you paid more than a coloured TV for.

That'd be a hoot, heh.

That's a direct quote, sir.

That's about as good a polka as you'll ever hear.

That's all I have for you, airman.

That's all right. I did.

That's censorship, Edward. That's not what America's all about.

That's funny.

That's great.

That's it for Hygiene in the Heat. Tomorrow we'll...

That's it for you, asshole.

That's it, eye on the fruit, Minh. Eye on the fruit, on the fruit.

That's like Newark after dark. You gotta watch out.

That's Marty Lee Dreiwitz.

That's nice if you're with a lady, ain't no good if you're in the jungle.

That's not the fucking point!

That's pretty much to the point, sir. Not much grey area in this one.

That's right, I'm history. I'm out of here. I got the lucky ticket home, baby.

That's right, Pope on a Rope.

That's right, the big Dick is here. Get ready.

That's right, the U.S. Army.

That's some heavy shit going down, baby.

That's stupid, you don't call someone crap.

That's true, it's very true. That's an insult, isn't it?

That's what being a higher rank is all about.

That's wonderful.

The Army is kind of quirky that way.

The Army knows about your brother.

The ARVIN Army

The bill basically said that his daughters

The East Germans today claimed that the Berlin Wall was a fraternity prank.

The fellow I got in here is the gentleman,

The fighting's not in the hills. It's downtown...

The fuck you going?

The guys who flew you in radioed they picked up

The Italian national mountain range.

The men want him back. I want him back.

The men want him back. I want him back.

The Mississippi River broke through a protective dike today.

The officer of oral, the Westmoreland of wit,

The other 1, 100 calls said that the man can't do comedy to save his dick.

The problems of this country have not one goddamned thing to do

The requests will be taken pretty soon. Requests?

The softball game between the 133rd and 4th Infantry Divisions

The sweetest smelling army in the world.

Then when you return, I give you a free salad.

Then you go. Yeah, there's some skin. Now you do it to me.

There is an operation that...

There it is, man, yo!

There she is again. How did she get ahead of us?

There's a Puerto Rican waitress.

There's a water buffalo jackknifed up there.

There's gonna be Vietnamese speaking in choppy sentences.

There's no place like home, and you can be there.

There's not too many high ranking officers

There's nothing I can do about that.

There's prophylactic everywhere, man.

Therefore, you have...

These three were executed shortly after this photo was taken.

These two were physically abusing a Vietnamese national.

They play Mantovani to insomniacs who don't respond to strong drugs.

They spilled something on your pants, what would you do?

They'd never approve of that being released.

They'd never approve of that being released.

They're all named Nyugen or Doh or things like that. It's very difficult for me.

They're out there.

They're sitting for peace, wisdom and knowledge.

They're starting to cut you with knives, putting spoons in your eyes.

They're waiting for enlightenment.

This could give the Army a black eye.

This great, godly miracle of radio really gives me the opportunity

This is a GI bar. We don't like gooks. We don't want him here.

This is a tempest in a teacup. Much ado about nothing.

This is AFRS, Radio Saigon, and yours truly, Dan The Man Levitan.

This is Eddie Garlick coming to you live from AFRS, Armed Forces Radio Saigon.

This is Eddie Garlick coming to you live from AFRS, Armed Forces Radio Saigon.

This is incredible. Oh, my God. They're quick, they're fast and small.

This is the place where we like to hang out, sir.

This is Tuan, the guys.

This man has cleaning products shipped in from Wisconsin.

This man lose one son from blasting American mine.

This news isn't official. That comment is too sarcastic.

This way, this way.

This will not look good on a résumé!

This, Cronauer, not a real baseball. It much smaller and harder than this one.

Those are gorgeous French Vietnamese B girls.

Those are the guys that are dying.

Those men who lost equipment in last week's rains

Those personnel wishing to spend Christmas cards home...

Those personnel with lost bag...

Those pilots are going, I like the music, I like the music.

Those we would find acceptable here

Thousands of guys wrote in, called in, trying to get you reinstated.

Three, four.

Three, maybe four, back to back Ray Conniff classics.

Time to rock it from the Delta to the DMZ.

To be taped and broadcast within 12 hours of his arrival.

To have a man under my command start a fucking bar brawl?

To make every effort to dry them out in the sun before requesting new ones.

To speak to you on the air.

To tell you, thank you for being so kind.

Today, President Lyndon Johnson passed a highway beautification bill.

Tomorrow a chance of continued crappy

Tomorrow at 1830 hours.

Too much?

Trouble is actually my new middle name.

Try and find some hidden meaning.

TUAN: It okay! You can come out now!

TUAN: It's not funny at all, he said.

TUAN: You can buy me lunch, but please forget about my sister.

TUAN: You naive man, Cronauer. You take a stupid side.

TUAN: You wanting some?

Tuan?

Tuan.

Turn the place upside down. Real intelligent solution.

Turn the power off in that studio.

Two degrees cooler? Me without my muff, God.

Uh, Dick, I'm transferring you.

Uh, look what you did.

Um, Airman Cronauer, sir.

United States Air Force. The hat does give you away.

Unofficially destroying Jimmy Wah's Café.

Very good. Okay, now we got a special situation right now.

Wait a minute, try this one, try this one.

Wait...

Wake up, Mr. Sleepy Head. You are late.

Walter, what's the weather like?

Wash with it, go straight to heaven. Thank you.

We are so different.

We can get Tony Bennett or Trini Lopez.

We can stop with the debate on the great caca right now.

We can't afford the teletype.

We have a selection right here that's prepared...

We haven't got a real baseball, Wilk. Bear with me, okay?

We interrupt to bring you an emergency selection

We look like a before and after picture. Come on, let me buy you a beer.

We no future together, Cronauer.

We not the enemy. You the enemy.

We only little Vietnamese.

We promised our listening audience Nixon highlights by 4 p.m.

We put in just a touch of formaldehyde for flavour.

We tried, but their agent says they're still on the beach

We want Cronauer...

We'd like to welcome you to Vietnam, the country that is more stimulating

We'd love a couple of beers, Jimmy.

We're bringing in thousands of troops every month.

We're gonna play some music for you right now. Here we go.

We're moving on right now.

We're not in America, sir.

We're obviously not in Cambodia.

We're out of here.

We're trying to meet them, but nobody can come up with any good lines.

We've got a deejay that the men dearly love.

We've got a mounting crisis in this country.

We've gotten duffel bags filled with information

Weather out there today is hot and shitty

Welcome to Saigon, sir.

Well, actually, it's a little more than just a hobby.

Well, didn't somebody wearing my uniform

Well, Hauk can do it, sir, till I find a replacement.

Well, I was... It just comes up, I was just trying to be funny.

Well, I'm actually giving you an order.

Well, tell him I drink so I can be this funny.

Well, thank you, sergeant. I've missed you.

Well, that seems fair. It really does.

Well, wait till you hear it. He's this far from sincerity.

Well, Why don't you try it out. Look at this, look at that.

Well, you guys, you take care of yourselves.

Well, you know, you're very beautiful.

Well, you see, I'm not used to going on a date with a grand jury,

Were you born on the sun? It's damn hot.

Weren't represented by Cronauer's broadcasts of rock 'n' roll.

What a country. Heat, humidity, terrorism.

What are you afraid of? People might find out there's a war?

What are you doing here?

What do they mean, police action?

What do you say to her? What would you say?

What do you think you're doing?

What does three up and three down mean to you, airman?

What I mean is in the spirit of the Keystone Kops.

What is a demilitarised zone? Sounds like something out of The Wizard of Oz.

What is a protective dike?

What it is, what it shall be, what it was.

What the hell is this?

What the hell was that? Crappy weather, shitty weather?

What will I do without you, sir?

What would you do, Will? What would you do?

What you do is important to a lot of people.

What? That's it?

What's he gonna be like when he's ten times as popular, general?

What's one thirteenth of a dollar among friends? Come on.

What's the difference between the Army and the Cub Scouts?

What's the weather like out there? [SOLDIER] It's hot, damn hot, real hot.

What's the weather like out there? [SOLDIER] It's hot, damn hot, real hot.

When are you gonna teach us to softball?

When asked for a reply, the Russians went,

When you look like Goliath so like you beware of some David.

Where to, sir?

Where's this man's paperwork?

Who can tell me who sang the song My Guy?

Who is this South Vietnamese boy?

Who swore that he could get him naked photographs of the actor.

Who the hell gets laid as a young child? And stop calling them gals.

Who thought Hauk was visionary and interesting.

Who would be sympathetic to a serviceman with links to terrorists.

Who, despite all your requests, will return tomorrow.

Who's in charge of orientation and billeting of enlisted personnel

Who's Tuan?

Whoa, big dogs. Big dogs landing on my face.

Whoa, there, Dick, put the brakes on.

Whoo! Thank you. (laugh)

Why am I here?

Why can't I read this? It's what's going on here now.

Why do I feel like the miracle worker up here?

Why Guam?

Why not? I got a great personality, you ask anybody.

Why not? Maybe play a couple of Tennessee Ernie Ford records.

Why would Cronauer's voice be on this tape?

Why you still here?

Why?

Why? Because I have to, it's the Army.

Why? Because it matches with the green, I don't...

Why? That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.

Why'd you do this?

Wilk, Wilk. Look, you got a base, take it.

WILKIE: Hey, teacher.

WILKIE: Play game of softball.

Will hear exactly what they're supposed to hear.

Will resume as scheduled at the Ban Mi Thout Park,

Wishing to send Christmas cards home to the States

With a glass of cappuccino coffee?

With a pissy weather front coming down from the north.

With as much muscles, who has absolutely no penis.

With continued hot and shitty in the afternoon.

With the holiday season rapidly approaching,

With whether you play polkas or don't play polkas.

WOMAN: Come on.

WOMAN: Hi. LEVITAN: What's your name?

WOMAN: I love you.

WOMAN: Levitan.

Would include Lawrence Welk, Jim Nabors, Mantovani.

Would you kindly lower your tone, please?

Yeah, and my mother is a werewolf, right?

Yeah, he's funny. I know funny and this guy is funny.

Yeah, me too.

Yeah, shit, I can't think of it. That's right.

Yeah, that's right. The final Adrian Cronauer broadcast.

Yeah! Run, run, run!

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yes, come, we go.

Yes, I have two months to live and I would like to teach before I die.

Yes, Sergeant Major Dickerson.

Yes, sir.

Yes, sir. I run this show, general.

Yes!

Yes. Hey, you know what I mean.

Yo, GI! Hello, sailor, hello!

You are not funny.

You be the judge, our lines are open.

You better not even come within range of anything that happens,

You better stay cool. You better not get involved in anything.

You can be a little... I saw... It's so damn hot.

You come for the girl, you get her, you go.

You come into my class, so maybe we like you.

You could put amphetamine freaks to sleep with this shit.

You don't believe it's me?

You don't have the power. I'll take this to the authorities.

You don't have time.

You don't know whether you're fucked, powder burned or snake bit.

You don't really need me You just keep me steaming on

You don't win the case of fish balls and lizard testicles.

You fine. How you are?

You go in the jungle, make a statement. If you're going to fight, clash.

You go into a restaurant, okay? A waitress comes up to you.

You go, Hey, wait. No, don't tell me, wait, wait.

You got me there, Wilk, because... I'm sorry, we have no budget, you see.

You got me, bang. But, hey, I like the class, so I'm gonna stay.

You gotta be careful, Jack. That's some heavy stuff.

You gotta prove something, knocking around Vietnamese kids?

You guys take care of yourself because you all look like,

You guys, be careful. What's your name?

You have a problem with that, young man?

You have to kick out the Chinks, spics, spooks and kikes,

You just get him out.

You killing my own people so many miles from your home.

You know anything about this?

You know Puff the Magic Dragon? Will you sing it?

You know what I mean?

You know why we ended up in the same place?

You know,

You know, he's really funny. You know, he's like a Marx brother.

You know, I hate the fact that you people never salute me.

You know, it wouldn't kill you people to salute me once in a while.

You know, this whole camouflage thing for me doesn't work very well.

You know, we haven't passed too many checkpoints since Chon Thanh.

You like it? I got it in Hong Kong, home of the shiny green suit.

You like it.

You look a lot like Hawaii.

You look hip today. Slip me some skin.

You look like an Oriental leprechaun.

You mad I not trust you, but true, you not trust me.

You might lay an egg. I mean, a big egg.

You not understand, you not.

You phoney, like American and French before you.

You say after you go out with Trinh, you meet me to talk about her.

You say it ridiculous.

You see a girl with the type breasts they like and they put her in a fancy car,

You see? You don't trusting me.

You skin will look and feel a whole lot better.

You stay out of my way, there'll be no problem.

You take care.

You talk, I think, very much.

You think the teacher would be able to date her?

You think this is the most serious set of affairs I have to address? It's not.

You understand me?

You used me to kill two people. Two people died in that fucking bar.

You want be my friend, you trusting me. You would eat it.

You want everyone going under the assumption it's safe here. It's not.

You want to see a movie or something?

You were my friend.

You will address me as Sergeant Major Dickerson.

You will sick if you drink some more. Come on.

You would need very specific family sanctioned introductions

You'll be bored, you know.

You'll feel like George Wallace campaigning in Harlem:

You'll stay here and drink instant beverage or something.

You're a little angry, so you say to her... Minh?

You're a very attractive man, Abersold. Don't think I haven't noticed.

You're actually too close to some of the nerve agents they were testing?

You're among the little people now.

You're beginning to sound like a priest in a '40s movie.

You're both from New York. Nice to have you, you like hanging out?

You're forbidden to read anything not checked.

You're getting pissed off. What would you do?

You're going to Guam.

You're gonna leave the fucking thing. Leave everything fucking hanging.

You're listening to Eddie Kirk on AFRS. I have a big special...

You're not gonna continue this broadcast, are you, sir?

You're not supposed to address the general saying hi.

You're not. This is a very different culture.

You're on a DC 8 from Tan Son Nhat Airport

You're pissing me off.

You're so good person, and I could not with you.

You're wearing your best new suit.

You've been down on everything but the Titanic. Stop it right now.

Your fly is open.

Your friend is a VC terrorist.

Your friend is next.

Your home and work phone on paper, and passing it forward.

Your radio programme of personal beliefs.

[NORMAL] Where you from? O'MALLEY: From the Village.

Airman Cronauer? You got it.

All right! Yeah! Yeah! Ladies and gentlemen!

All right. Cool.

All right. We love you, Cron.

All right. Yeah.

Am I being fairly clear? Yes, sir.

and swap humourous stories for fun. CRONAUER: Yeah.

and they have no purpose. Oh, my God.

And you have to get on the air. Oh.

Are asked to drop a card to Major Gerald Kleiner over at the 5th.

Are you crazy? I might...

As soon as possible. VG, sir.

As you have suggested, give and take.

At ease. Hell, we already are.

Beach Boys. Those were guys. Of the Beach Boys.

Bikes, we'll buy bikes. We won't buy bikes.

Break the goddamn door down. CRONAUER: Police, ambulance

Call me in five minutes. No, we have to get up right now.

Can you give me a minute? MP: Oh, okay.

Careful, you could put an eye out. God, it's warm, huh?

Come on, sir. Fine.

Come on. Come on.

Come on. I not like you, sir.

Comedy, sir. Comedy?

Does that road have a secure status? No, sir, it does not.

Don't do this. SOLDIER 3: Groucho Marx!

Donum. SOLDIER 14: Jay Snyder.

Earl, Earl, Earl. That's Jimmy Wah, he owns the place.

Find anything? No, I'll have to make something up.

For three years, he's been trying. Walter Brennan?

Forgive me. Hey.

Formaldehyde. Oh. Heh, heh.

Funny is good. Yeah.

Garlick, have you put on some weight? I don't think so, sir.

General wackiness like that. Falling down, that's a sight gag.

Gentlemen. What are you doing, Ed?

Get a job. Get a job, again.

Get him out of there. Three men were unofficially wounded.

Give it to me, Edward. This is Eddie Garlick, com...

Give me your hand. Thank you.

God, what time is it, Edward? It's 5:30.

Good afternoon, class. STUDENTS: Good afternoon, Mr. Sloan.

Hello, I'm William Holden. KIRK: Right here.

Hi, general. Real pleasure.

Hi. Hi.

How about if what escalated? The Vietnam conflict.

How the hell you find us, Sparky? Your jeep.

How would anyone see you fall? No, no, no. Not literally falling down.

I can confide you? Sure.

I can't, I gotta be back on the air... You have to meet her today.

I don't find him funny at all. Zeppo? Isn't he the one with the hat?

I doubt it. Ha ha ha.

I find that very alarming. Edward, stay with me on this.

I get it. CRONAUER: Mm hm.

I gotta catch her before she accelerates. WAH: You can't go yet.

I hope... You shut your fucking hole.

I know it sounds dumb. I not can do this, Cronauer.

I live to collate, sir. Good.

I thought I'd come and help smooth... Don't help and don't smooth.

I thought since we were here to... So you start a brawl.

I would like to leave the room now. Oh, uh, yes, sir.

I'll buy you some lunch. Can't let you do that.

I'm not going on. What do you mean, you're not going on?

in order to talk to this girl... CRONAUER: Shh! Listen.

Is he all right? No, Phil, he's not all right.

Is it English? CRONAUER: Yes, it is.

Is that date firm? I got it from my niece.

It did happen... You shut your mouth.

It impossible. CRONAUER: Let's stop with that.

It read for my the book. I've never heard rhymes like that.

It was a joke, sir. Yes.

It's already started. I understand.

It's antics, hysterical type things. Hysterical type things?

Jimmy Wilkes. CRONAUER: Wilkes.

Jump in any time, okay? We're there.

Look, we gotta talk now. Not now, man, come on.

Makes me unique, doesn't it? What a plus.

Mr. Cronauer, I must... Oh, Minh, not now.

My name is Lewis Striker. CRONAUER: Striker.

No, and it doesn't look good, Jimmy. He look good to me.

No, I don't know. Bullshit!

No, she don't. She do liking you.

No. I'm sorry. No?

Not friends. Of course.

Nothing to discuss, she doesn't like me. Yes, she do.

Oh, let me go back to bed. You gotta get up, sir.

Oh, really? It look wonderful.

Oh, really? It look wonderful.

Oh, what happened? What happened?

Okay, here we go. MP: No batter. No batter.

Okay, that one, okay? I said that this a very good substitute.

Okay. I'm...

Okay. CRONAUER: Okay.

On anything in particular? A lot of people went to the mat for you.

Otherwise, you miss your big chance. I don't wanna miss my big chance.

Percy Faith, good. Thank you.

Possibly, but you would need... Just what I wanted to hear.

Programming taste. Programming taste.

Really? Yeah.

Right here, sergeant. Thank you, sir.

Sarcasm, sir. Up in Bergen County.

See you later. Mr. Cronauer, I really liking you.

She say it's a little spicy. A little, yeah.

She say it's a little spicy. A little, yeah.

Sir, you're not funny. Ask around. Ask me.

Sir? Edward.

Sir. Garlick.

Soon we play baseball? When you teaching us softball?

Sorry. HAUK: Thanks.

Specific introductions.

Stay here, sir, I'll talk to the guys, okay? We don't have time. Taxi.

Ten hut. At ease.

Terrible, that's terrible. Those are gorgeous gals.

Thank you, Jimmy. Right.

Thank you, Wilkie. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you all the same.

Thank you. Thank you, thank you.

Thank you. SOLDIER 13: Sean Donum.

Thanks a lot. You have a very important meeting.

That is not funny. How about if it escalated?

That road is Victor Charlie, sir. It is definitely not a friendly area.

That's a joke, right? Maybe.

That's it. We're having a good time. MAN: All right!

That's Lieutenant Hauk in there. Who's the guy with the ears?

The former VP will be here on Friday. GARLICK: Ha ha ha.

The hunt is on. What is wrong?

The lieutenant loves to abbreviate... And if you do...

The VC, the fucking VC. Tell me something I don't know, okay?

There you are, sir. Please, don't call me sir.

This one's a better one. No. No. No need.

This stuff is burning the hair off my feet. Hot?

Three, four. The left, left, left, right, right, right.

Transferring me, sir? Mm hm.

We haven't got the money, pal. Anyway.

We must to ask the people. Hey, it's no problem.

Well, how about that? Hold on.

Well, I'm liking you too. Thank you.

What about bananas? No.

What are queens? Tall, thin men who like show tunes.

What are you gonna do? I don't know.

What happened? CRONAUER: It didn't work out.

What? I was there. Airman, you know the rules.

What'd she just say? She said no, sir.

What's going on here? Sir, will you listen to me?

What's this thing on your helmet? SOLDIER 12: Why don't you try it out?

When you burn your mouth. Oh, gosh, yeah.

Where are you come from? Queens. Bayside, Queens.

Where are you from? I'm from, uh, Cleveland, man.

Where do you imagine you're going? Just gonna get a little something to eat.

Where is Cronauer? DREIWITZ: Still eating, sir.

Where you from? SOLDIER 8: Boston.

Where you from? WILKES: New York.

Why not? He doesn't play police actions, just wars.

Why? Your limp pulled us to the right,

Would Bob Dylan be out of line? Way, way, way out of line.

Yeah, go, run, Minh! Run! Come on, come on, give me the ball.

Yeah. You okay? No.

Yes, sir. Sir?

You can step on crap. I know you can. Yes, but they can be full of shit, he said.

You did? Nearby the larch tree, near Viet Hoa.

You guys mind if I drive? Be my guest.

You have to taste my spicy chicken... GARLICK: Sir.

You know any American songs at all? Puff the Magic Dragon.

You must be nervous, sir, huh? I'm not even in my body.

You old enough for this place? I think so.

You see Trinh there. I'll drive.

You teach American thing okay. CRONAUER: Okay.

You want Cronauer back on the air. You want him back?

You'll get used to it. Maybe.

You're not gonna last long here, pal. You can always send me back to Crete.

[ALL AS HAUK] And if you do...

[ALL CHEERING]

[ALL LAUGH]

[ALL LAUGH]

[ALL LAUGHING]

[AS ED SULLIVAN] Here she is, Diana Ross and the Suprawns.

[AS ED SULLIVAN] Let me introduce the members of the band.

[AS ELMER FUDD] Thank you, America. It was fun being president.

[AS FRENCHY] Lieutenant Steve, let's play some music.

[AS FRENCHY] Oh, but of course, the French love good food.

[AS FRENCHY] Oh, Lieutenant Steve.

[AS FRENCHY] Oh, Lieutenant Steve.

[AS FRENCHY] Well, uh, I love a good polka as much as the next man.

[AS GINA LOLLOBRIGIDA] Look out, I don't see the sun anymore.

[AS GLINDA] Everybody, time to get up. Get up, wherever you are.

[AS GLINDA] Oh, look, you've landed in Saigon.

[AS GLINDA] Oh, no, don't go in there.

[As Gomer Pyle] Oh, you're going to hell for that one.

[AS GOMER PYLE] Those girls are just so pretty.

[AS GOMER PYLE] Yes, I am. Surprise, surprise, surprise.

[AS HANOI HANNAH] Oh, Adrian, Adrian. What are you doing, Adrian?

[AS JAMES BROWN] Back again.

[AS LYNDON JOHNSON] Linda Dog would be too cruel.

[AS MICK JAGGER] All right.

[AS MICK JAGGER] Oh, you like Mick Jagger?

[AS MISTER ED] Wilbur, come in the room.

[AS NIXON] I tell you this. [NORMAL] Now, listen.

[AS ROD SERLING] Picture a man going on a journey

[AS WALTER CRONKITE] I want to begin by saying to Roosevelt E. Roosevelt,

[AS WITCH] Now, little GI, you and your little Toto too.

[AS WITCH] Oh, I'll get you, my pretty.

[BABY CRYING]

[BABY PLEASE DON'T GO PLAYING ON RADIO]

[BICYCLE HORN HONKS]

[BICYCLE HORN HONKS]

[BICYCLE HORN HONKS]

[BLOWS WHISTLE]

[BOTH SPEAK IN VIETNAMESE]

[BOTH SPEAK IN VIETNAMESE]

[BOY SPEAKS IN VIETNAMESE]

[CACKLES]

[CAR HORN HONKS]

[CHANTING IN DISTINCTLY]

[CHUCKLES]

[CHUCKLING SOFTLY]

[COUGHS]

[CRONAUER HUMS GET A JOB]

[CRONAUER LAUGHS]

[CRONAUER SINGING RAWHIDE ON TAPE]

[CRONAUER YELLS]

[CROWD APPLAUDING]

[CROWS]

[DREAM ON LITTLE DREAMER PLAYING ON RADIO]

[DREIWITZ AS HAUK] And if you do...

[DREIWITZ LAUGHS]

[DREIWITZ SCATTING REVEILLE]

[DUBBED IN VIETNAMESE]

[EFFEMINATELY] Adiran, I'm just very happy to be here.

[EFFEMINATELY] Adrian, take care of yourself.

[EFFEMINATELY] Nice to have you here. Nice to have you here in Vietnam.

[ENGINE GRINDS]

[ENGINE GRINDS]

[ENGINE TURNING]

[FLATLY] Hey, excuse me.

[GARLICK LAUGHS]

[GASPS]

[HELICOPTER WHIRRING IN DISTANCE]

[HUMS THE TWILIGHT ZONE THEME SONG]

[I GET AROUND PLAYING ON RADIO]

[I GOT YOU (I FEEL GOOD) PLAYING ON RADIO]

[IN BAD FRENCH ACCENT] Lieutenant Steve, Lieutenant Steve?

[IN BRITISH ACCENT] Well, you carry on, Montesque.

[IN DEEP VOICE] Don't go near there?

[IN IRISH ACCENT] Patrick O... O'Malley.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Do you think he looks like a negative of Little Richard?

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Frenchy, let me ask you,

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Gina Lollobrigida has been declared

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Hannah, you slut.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Here's a news flash coming right now.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Here's a news flash:

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Hi. What's your name?

[IN NORMAL VOICE] I got something here for you.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Is it a little too early for being that loud? Hey, too late.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] It's the Wicked Witch of the North.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Leo, Leo.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] No. No, come on.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Oh, get out of here. Watch out.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Okay, Frenchy, what would you like to hear?

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Speaking of things controversial,

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Thank you. Thanks for these. Oh, these are special.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] That's it for the Adrian Cron Hour.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] That's right. Rise and shine, rise and shine.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] We're gonna hit some songs at you now.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Well, a good polka it is

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Well, then I guess that would make you an Eydie Gorme.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Well, what do you use to look for them?

[IN NORMAL VOICE] What is this demilitarised zone?

[IN NORMAL VOICE] What music do you like? Little Anthony?

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Who's that? [AS FRENCHY] It's your old pal Frenchy.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Why'd you name your daughter Linda Bird?

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Yes, have you used any?

[IN NORMAL VOICE] You're here, good to see you.

[IN RUSSIAN ACCENT] What the hell was that?

[IN SOUTHERN ACCENT] Hi, have you seen my face?

[IN UNISON] Hi.

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

[IT'S ALL RIGHT PLAYING ON RADIO]

[KIRK SPEAKING IN DISTINCTLY ON RADIO]

[LAUGHS]

[MIMICS ENGINE]

[MIMICS GUNSHOT]

[MIMICS TELETYPE MACHINE]

[MIMICS TELETYPE MACHINE]

[MIMICS TELETYPE MACHINE]

[MIMICS TELETYPE MACHINE]

[Normal Voice] Gomer, are you here in Vietnam?

[NORMAL] Bob, can we play anything for you?

[NORMAL] Can't you give us weather?

[NORMAL] Here's a song coming your way right now.

[NORMAL] I know we can't use dyke. You can't even say lesbian.

[NORMAL] Tell me what it feels like. [SOLDIER] Fool, it's hot.

[NORMAL] Tell me what it feels like. [SOLDIER] Fool, it's hot.

[NORMAL] What's it gonna be like tonight? [SOLDIER] Hot and wet.

[NORMAL] What's the weather like? [SOLDIER] You got a window.

[NORMAL] Why is that? [EFFEMINATELY] Well, I can't see you.

[NOWHERE TO RUN TO PLAYING]

[ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING ON TAPE]

[OXEN MOO]

[POLKA MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO]

[RAPIDLY] Let's get it up on 17, 18...

[RELATIVES SPEAKING IN VIETNAMESE]

[SCATS]

[SCOFFS]

[SCREAMS]

[SCREAMS]

[SCREAMS]

[SENTRY SPEAKING IN VIETNAMESE]

[SHOUTS] Anything! Just play it loud, okay?

[SIGHS]

[SINGING AS DIANA ROSS] Set me free Why don't you, babe?

[SINGING AS ELVIS PRESLEY] Viva Da Nang, oh, viva Da Nang

[SINGING AS MUNCHKIN] We represent the ARVIN Army

[SINGING BEACH BLANKET BINGO]

[SINGING NONSENSE]

[SINGING] Here she comes, Miss Southeast Asia

[SIREN WAILING]

[SLOWLY] I'm here to make sure you don't say anything controversial.

[SLOWLY] Nerve gas?

[SLOWLY] No, it's not a problem. Everybody has it.

[SLOWLY] We found out that we can't find them. They're out there,

[SLOWLY] Well, we ask people, Are you the enemy?

[SLOWLY] Wrong speed. We've got it on the wrong speed.

[SOLDIER BLOWS WHISTLE]

[SOLDIER'S YELLING INDISTINCTLY]

[SOLDIER] I'm with somebody. Don't come bother me right now.

[SOLDIER] Not now. I'm trying to score, back off.

[SOLDIER] Poontang. [NORMAL] Thank you, Roosevelt.

[SOLDIER] Roosevelt E. Roosevelt. [NORMAL] What town are you in?

[SOLDIERS CHEERING]

[SPEAKING BACKWARDS] Freddie is the devil. Freddie is the devil.

[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]

[SPEAKING IN VIETNAMESE]

[SPEAKING IN VIETNAMESE]

[SPEAKS IN VIETNAMESE]

[SPEAKS IN VIETNAMESE]

[SPEAKS IN VIETNAMESE]

[SPEAKS IN VIETNAMESE]

[SPEAKS IN VIETNAMESE]

[STUDENTS LAUGH]

[WHISTLES]

[WOMAN CRYING]

[WOMAN SCREAMING]

[YELLS] Good morning, Vietnam.

[YELLS] Good morning, Vietnam.

[YELLS] Good morning, Vietnam.

[YELLS] Good morning, Vietnam.

[YELLS] Good morning, Vietnam.

[YELLS] You hear me?