Beerfest (2006) Edit

A direct draw beer dispenser.

A little R and R in Amsterdam. Just what the doctor ordered.

About the old girlfriend thing. Can we bury the hatchet, buddy?

Absolutely.

After I beat them...

All right, all right.

All right, Barry. It's showtime.

All right, but more importantly, where are we gonna find a ram?

All right, Fink, hit me.

All right, guys, come on.

All right, guys, let's focus, huh? Huddle up.

All right, here we go.

All right, here's how it works.

All right, no problem.

All right!

All right? And no matter what happens, win or lose...

All right.

All right. It's a regular hot dog cart in here, huh?

All right. Let's light this Kraut candle.

All right. This is what we came for, the Germans!

All tied up. Sudden death.

Always bet on black. Yeah.

And cut it. Cut.

And for Landfill.

And Gam Gam?

And how is Herr Schniedelwichsen?

And I'll be damned if we're gonna let the good guys win!

And no one leaves here until we finish every single last drop.

And now that I have your precious beer recipe, I can go.

And she's a cruel old mistress, she is.

And summer sausage.

And the rats Just yesterday I opened up a bottle of Schnitzelgeigerbräu...

And the rule says every competitor must compete, otherwise...

And then I want spectator number one killed.

And this is hard to say...

And what is this?

And why do we play it?

Are we playing or not?

Are we playing or not?

Are we playing or not?

Are we playing or not?

Are we playing or not?

Are you gonna let us do that, or are you afraid of getting your asses stomped?

Are you making fun of us, mate?

Are you talking about me?

As tough as anything you've ever done.

Asshole!

Asshole! Asshole! Asshole!

Asshole! Asshole! Asshole!

Back the fuck up, Antonio!

Barry Badrinath was the best beer gamer ever.

Barry, wait.

Barry, we didn't come here for a BJ...

Barry, what happened to you?

Barry!

Battle stations.

Bavarians have been warming sausages like that for hundreds of years.

Because if you can drink ram's piss, fuck, you can drink almost anything.

Because in this silver slice of heaven here are 1984 ounces of beer.

Beer drinkers...

BEERFEST (2006)

Beerfest is our lives.

Beerfest it is.

Beerfest, innit!

Beerfest! Beerfest! Beerfest!

Beginner's luck.

Better than anything I've ever seen.

Big deal. A suitcase full of Monopoly money?

Big round of applause, people.

BJ! BJ! BJ! BJ! BJ! BJ!

Boys, prepare your things.

Bring it on, meine bitch.

Bullshit! I did the

But let's not worry about that now.

But our grandfather was Johan von Wolf

But the baroness found out about it, me and my young Johan...

But unlike you, I am not weeping.

But we already have the recipe.

But we had to keep our love secret...

But when I got them drunk again, they remembered.

But...

Calgon, take me away.

Can you get the puppet off of me?!

Can't you see we are training?

Canceled reservation.

Careful, dude. It's gonna fuck you up.

Championship round is best of seven.

Championship round, Germany versus U.S.A.

Chance.

Check this out.

Cheerio, let's do it again.

Cheers.

Cherry is here to help me now that my Johan is gone.

Cherry?

Clean out the floxinator or something, all right?

Clearly, you've fallen on hard times.

Come in.

Come on, baby. It's all you, buddy. Drink it down.

Come on, Barry.

Come on, big boy. What, are you gonna fucking cry?

Come on, guys.

Come on, motherfucker! It's time!

Come on, Phil. Stay with me, honey.

Come on, those are euros.

Come on, we gotta win this one.

Come on!

Come on!

Come on.

Come on. This is the Fräuleins Gone Wild!

Come on. Trust me. Trust me.

Cops, cops, cops!

Corn.

Cowboy on one side, Indian on the other. It's the Wild West.

Crapper.

Cup the gonads. If you don't cup the gonads....

Cut.

Damn it! It's the bubble!

Damn, that's nasty.

Damn, that's nasty.

Damn, that's nasty. The old country must have been fucked up.

Das Boot!

Das Boot!

Das Boot!

Das Boot! Das Boot!

Das Boot! Das Boot!

Das Boot! Das Boot! Das Boot!

Das Boot! Das Boot! Das Boot!

Das Boot! Das Boot! Das Boot!

Das Boot! Das Boot! Das Boot! Das Boot!

Deutschland, you're floored!

Did you hear what she said?

Distance, 10 meters.

Do I know you?

Do me a favor, top me off.

Do you want a tip with that?

Does it?

Doesn't everybody?

Don't be a moron. He got his stomach stapled.

Don't go there. You do not sully a yarmulke, you goyim schmendrik miskayt.

Don't say anything to Great Gam Gam about the competition.

Don't talk about her being a whore.

Don't they hand out Nobel Prizes for that?

Don't think you have seen the last of us.

Don't. That belonged to our grandpa.

Don't...

Double or nothing.

Drink up, Hansel!

Drink well. Drink with honor.

Drink, drink, drink!

Drink, Fink, drink! Drink, Fink, drink! Drink, Fink, drink!

Drink, Fink. Drink, Fink. Drink, Fink.

Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink!

Drink. You're rowing on the wrong side.

Drinking and dancing at the same time. That's what's making it tough.

Dude, aren't you like 40?

Dude, you want a Schnitz?

Eat that tomato in one bite, asshole.

Eight points.

Enjoy. Let's Come on, let's have some polka, all right?

Enough!

Everybody's drunk.

Everyone at once. First team to finish wins. On my word.

Excuse me, guys.

Exposé Colorado has this exclusive interview with former kitchen workers...

Feel that pulling you down? That's the yeast, baby.

Finish your beer, asshole.

Fink's got the eye of the Jew.

Finkelstein's Theory on Effects of Alcohol on the Temporal Lobes.

Finky!

Finky!

First round is best of five.

First up, long distance krügerbounce.

Five boots? Are you fucking mental?

For hundreds of years, it has been a Wolfhouse tradition...

Forget about it. I'm out of here. Where's my ?

Friends...

Fuck it! I quit.

Fucking man cow.

Game on. Not a drop can be spilled.

Gentlemen...

Germans can pretty much stick anything down there.

Germans?

Germany, 224.

Germany, the winner!

Germany, three.

Germany!

Get a handle on your Frisbee, college boy.

Get bent, umlaut. We're gonna sell the shit out of this beer.

Get out of here! Get out of here!

Get out of here. Get out!

Glasses, maybe. I....

Go back and get a BJ from your great grandma, on me.

Go, go, go!

God. Solicitors.

Goddamn brewery!

Good luck. You're going to need it.

Good night, Popo.

Good one.

Good one. But I'll leave the practicing to the amateurs.

Good to see you again.

Good to see you.

Good, good, good.

Grandpa Wolfhouse, Landfill and Gam Gam and America!

Grandpapa, we've crushed them once.

Grandpapa?

Grandpapa.

Great Gam Gam.

Great Gam Gam.

Great Gam Gam.

Great Gam Gam. I'm so sorry.

Great Gam Gam. What are you doing here?

Guys, those Germans are incredible drinkers.

Guys...

Half barrel capacity, with an anti foaming mechanism.

Halt!

Halt. See, we're here.

Ham.

Hasta la vista, messenger boy.

Have you ever been to the family resting place?

Haven't seen him since Hands Across America.

He could und he did.

He had this habit of swallowing his food whole.

He had this little sausage house in Colorado. He couldn't

He said, "Dad, I'm over here."

He says hi.

He stole our recipe und fled Germany with his mother...

He was a real brainiac, that nerd.

He went black?

He will take you to the family resting place.

He's got a gun!

He's got it going on, this guy.

He's got the eye of the Jew. Fink's our anchorman.

He's so strict.

He's the best.

Hello, all.

Hello, guvnor!

Helmut, my God, are you okay?

Help!

Here are a couple of euros.

Here goes nothing.

Here is 500,000 American dollars.

Here, try this. Oh, no, wait. Here, let me warm it up for you.

Here. Try this.

Here's the thing.

Hey, Barr zo, I'm proud of you.

Hey, Barry, how about a little warm up match?

Hey, Barry, you can pork my wife anytime.

Hey, Beer Pong!

Hey, boys, why don't you let us put a nipple on that for you?

Hey, Comrades, how about loser takes a paddle up the ass?

Hey, fatass, when I dropped your brother in that vat...

Hey, fellas, gather up.

Hey, guys, this is that moment.

Hey, guys, where are we?

Hey, guys. Good job out there, Naka.

Hey, honey, let's go take a look at the glockenspiels.

Hey, I think somebody's trying to chug in my face!

Hey, Jan.

Hey, Landfill, where are you, buddy?

Hey, Landfill! Hey, big guy!

Hey, let's do this for Grandpa Wolfhouse.

Hey, let's go get sour on some Krauts.

Hey, look what the cat dragged in!

Hey, Mama.

Hey, thanks.

Hey, Todd, sorry about porking your wife, man.

Hey, we love Oktober

Hey, what is that?

Hey, what the hell?

Hey! Don't do that!

Hey! Get off him!

Hey.

Hey. I think I found us a creepy new mascot.

Hey. Looks like we got ourselves a team!

Hey. Who ordered the Queer Eye makeover?

Hey. You said you wanted to chance, now take a chance.

Hi, Daddy.

Hold on a second. Our grandfather didn't brew beer.

Hold on there, girlfriend.

Holy cameltoe.

Honey, what happened to your eye?

Hooker. Prostitute. Slut for money.

Hot cheese so !

Hot cheese soup!

How about a little Sex on the Beach?

How about a match?

How about our worst two, right? Hammacher! Schlemmer!

How many licks does it take to get to the center.

How'd we do?

However, you are holding the recipe for a low carb strawberry beer.

I accidentally pushed his thingy off.

I accidentally walked into a wall. Yeah, the Berlin Wall.

I always sleep better when I have a little sausage in me.

I always told him to try to chew his food better...

I am going to break your dick off.

I am guessing that he is the one who taught you how to drink beer.

I am so sorry, but this package comes all the way from America, ja...

I am so sorry. I'm really sorry.

I am too old. I want you boys to go to Germany...

I appreciate it. Thank you.

I called him "The Tiger Shark."

I can't serve it fast enough.

I did my three years up at the county pen.

I don't got room in my pocket for more of your money.

I don't know how it happened, but somehow...

I don't know what I would do if somebody shoved a paddle handle up my ass.

I don't know why you're here. You can't drink beer.

I don't play Pong anymore.

I don't really have a move except this one.

I drink 45 off the assembly line, and I'm the asshole.

I find the whole thing frustrating because I can't figure it out.

I got a little spunk for you.

I got an idea.

I got fired from the lab due to slipping performance.

I got it off of the nerd's computer.

I got it.

I got it. Beating the boot. It's so simple.

I got it. I got it.

I got over it.

I had a bad experience once.

I happen to have married that plastic fuck doll!

I have figured out the problem, I just don't know the solution yet.

I have this special delivery for Herr Baron.

I haven't seen you guys since.... Hands Across America?

I heard that someone died that day.

I heard that too.

I heard that when the brewery gave him his pink slip, he killed a guy.

I just need some time.

I just wanna say thanks for the greatest year of my life.

I kind of like Operation Stein Grab.

I knew it the whole time.

I know you love it, Muscle Lips. Let's go.

I know. No, it's a bitch. Don't worry. Come on.

I like that.

I loved you.

I made people drink massive quantities, then taught things while they were blacked out.

I mean, come on. Cut it.

I mean, she just laid there, taking it like a plastic fuck doll, am I right?

I met Finkelstein back in college.

I miss you!

I myself can probably fit in at least.... Oh, at least nine inches.

I never made out with Tommy Mullarky.

I promise

I reckon you're taking the piss out of Oktoberfest.

I remember my first beer.

I remember now. I paid you a dollar to touch your toes...

I taught Landfill everything he knew about drinking beer.

I think I dropped my monkey.

I think my place is closer.

I think the hotel is this way?

I think we should fucking brain them.

I too came to pay my respects to a good man.

I used to joke that if you cut open his belly...

I wanna fulfill his legacy by taking his place on your team.

I want you all to hear the true story...

I was I saw that.

I was I saw that.

I was in a real high stakes game in some opium den.

I was in Thailand, playing Ping Pong in Ding Dang.

I was in the employ of the von Wolfhausen family long before I came to this stinkhole.

I was playing Ping Pong in Ding Dang.

I was plumb surprised.

I wish I could brush my teeth with it.

I wish I could give you a deal here, but my pimp's a real ball ache, you know?

I wish it were winter, we could make it into ice and skate on it.

I wish it were winter. We could make it into ice blocks and skate on it...

I wouldn't mind having it while training.

I'd bugger her for a game of soldiers, huh?

I'd say it looks pretty close to me, eh?

I'll come back for the rest.

I'll show you how to drink a beer, motherfucker.

I'll talk to you later. Bye.

I'll tell Tippy to get some cold pig stomach.

I'm 33.

I'm a sucker for family reunions.

I'm better than you!

I'm better when I'm drunk.

I'm damaged goods.

I'm gonna butter your bread, baby.

I'm gonna fucking puke.

I'm gonna go grab a taxi, baby.

I'm gonna rock your world.

I'm just having some fun with your younger, dumber brother.

I'm just saying, some of my best friends are whores.

I'm Landfill's twin brother, Gil.

I'm looking for a little slap and pickle.

I'm looking for a little slap and pickle.

I'm sorry.

I'm still peeing! I'm still going!

I've got a house with a pool and a two car garage. I got three Ph.D.s.

I've got one.

I've had all kinds of things shoved up my ass.

Ice cold.

If anybody here isn't up to it...

If Germany wins, they are the champions!

If this is the recipe, this used to be Germany's greatest beer.

If we find ourselves in a boot challenge, we can beat these guys.

If we're gonna drink like the Germans, I think we're gonna need a little help.

If you are watching this, then I have croaked.

If you can't do it for your grandfather or your country or your dead friend...

If you have to ask, big man, you can't afford it.

In your face, it explodes.

Interesting. High altitude training. Similar to the Kenyan marathon runners.

Is that the title we all agreed on?

Is this part of Oktoberfest?

It is good, it is good.

It is the last piece of your heritage.

It might work. I did this study in college:

It was a simple time, a beautiful time.

It was the greatest beer in all the world.

It'd be like we never lost Landfill.

It's a chance to show you still got it. You still got it, right?

It's a funny story. I was invited over here...

It's all about fluid dynamics and quantum bubblenautics. Follow?

It's amazing!

It's beautiful.

It's frustrating.

It's frustrating.

It's frustrating.

It's frustrating. It's frustrat

It's great motivation. A reminder of the humiliation.

It's just that I start to feel so cooped up in these U boats.

It's like quicksand.

It's not for sale.

It's nothing to worry about. He's shaking the cobwebs off.

It's okay, it works. Yeah, because you have a dickface.

It's okay. It's okay.

It's okay. It's okay. I'm okay.

It's over.

It's perfect!

It's true, Sandy.

It's unavoidable. The Germans know how.

It's very common for German restaurants to use immigrant labor.

It's....

Ja, maybe a little. I think we just beat the Irish, so....

Ja, the last time we saw you...

Ja, we are not your cousins.

Ja, we should take a vote, because I never liked Recipe Retrieve either.

Ja, you big tough guy. Kill me, come on.

Jan, if we let him play, we're gonna get slaughtered and it's over, kaput.

Jan? Jan?

Jan? Todd? What are you guys doing here?

Jan? Todd? What are you guys doing here?

Jesus, calm down.

Jesus, Mary and Joseph. You play rim rules?

Jim Tobleson's a fucking Chatty Cathy.

Jiminy.

Johan wasn't even Ludwig's true offspring.

Johan?

Just came out of the refrigerator.

Just kiss each other, ja?

Just like college.

Just spin the boot when the bubble comes.

Just think about Gam Gam for a minute, all right?

Krista said she couldn't handle all the lies and the drinking anymore.

Landfill could eat a ton.

Landfill told me everything about you.

Landfill Two, you are twice the man Landfill One was.

Landfill! Landfill! Landfill!

Landfill?

Landfill...

Leave my brother alone.

Let me see that.

Let me see you little....

Let me tell you something:

Let the games begin.

Let them drink!

Let them drink!

Let them drink!

Let them drink!

Let them drink!

Let's do it. Did you hear one about the guy that told his son:

Let's do this for Landfill...

Let's get bombed!

Let's get the bastards!

Lick them clean. Yes!

Line Chug. Germany versus U.S.A.

Listen up, fellas.

Listen, Fink. We're putting together a drinking team.

Local family restaurant...

Look at the portrait.

Look at the scoreboard! Scoreboard!

Look at the size of this graduated cylinder: 2000 milliliters!

Look at this guy! He's getting better.

Look out, Germans!

Look, if you ask me...

Look, the little one looks like he has pubic hair all over his head.

Looking good down there.

Looking good, Barry.

Looking good, you handsome motherfucker.

Losers.

Love you.

Made some friends, went Muslim. Now I'm out, praise Allah.

Make fast! Make very fast!

Match point!

Maxim magazine, under the title "E Equals MC Hammered."

Maybe we should get out there and mix it up with some randoms, you know?

Maybe we'll move to mugs tomorrow.

Me.

Mein boys. Oh, willkommen.

Mein darling great grandboys...

Might have a cavity here.

Might not be the best time. Everyone's waiting.

Mission accomplished. I got it.

Most he can fit are two Triscuits and a glass of water.

Mother, I always knew you would outlive me.

Move along, then. I got a mouth to feed.

Move the bucket 20 meters.

Mr. Badrinath...

Must be the old German beer recipe.

My apologies.

My dick!

My friends...

My glasses!

My glasses!

My name's Cherry.

My teammates, Cheech and Chong, chickened out on me.

My teeth hurt, it's so cold. That's what makes me have to stop a bit.

My turn. I never fooled around with Coach Gerber.

Nathan Cornwell has discovered...

Nice and toasty, please.

Nice to meet you, Mrs. Wolfhouse.

No, but I've been told it is wonderful.

No, I didn't! No, I did this! No, I didn't! No, I didn't!

No, I don't wanna look at the goddamn glockenspiels.

No, I was saying it was a tradition back in the old country.

No, I'm very happy with my long distance service.

No, just show us some of the old coin tricks. Come on.

No, no, no! What about "Don't shoot the messenger," right?

No, no, no. No rats. No rats at all.

No, no, no. Thanks anyway. Get you next time.

No, no, no. You'd be training with us over the next year.

No, no. Hey, ump. Do something, ump.

No, no. It was totally false. It was a joke.

No, that's fine. We're okay.

No, there's a Quickie Mart right around the corner.

No, there's five ATMs.

No!

No?

No. No. You know how you like strawberries?

No. Your half brother.

Nobody said it was gonna be easy.

Not again.

Not good.

Not right now.

Not to mention all the beer you could drink, right?

Nothing but the best for the executives of von Wolfhausen brewery, right?

Now get out of here.

Now I will never know what happens on The Young and the Restless.

Now we really gotta kick those guys' asses.

Now your grandpapa can rest in peace.

Now, come on, baby, it's time for your nap.

Now, don't peek.

Now, Fink, they've got this thing called The Boot.

Now, how do I say this? The Mexican.

Now, in the morning, they had no recollection of it.

Now, let's go get what belongs to us.

Now, look. The bubble is essentially a high pressure vacuum...

Now, what I should do is beat seven shades of shit out of you.

Now, you guys don't wanna be my teammates, do you?

Now...

Obviously there's a translation problem here.

Oh, boy.

Oh, boys, you know this festival as Oktoberfest.

Oh, come on.

Oh, God, is there anything better?

Oh, hello, blondie.

Oh, hey, Jan. How are you?

Oh, hit that, Grandpapa.

Oh, I forgot the money.

Oh, I forgot the money.

Oh, my God, he's faster than Landfill.

Oh, my God, what is that, bratwurst?

Oh, my God, what is that?

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Phil. Phil, honey.

Oh, no autographs, kids.

Oh, no. No way.

Oh, of course.

Oh, please, Jan, let's get out of here.

Oh, please.

Oh, shit.

Oh, strewth. They hit the little kid!

Oh, yeah, Landfill. Go for it, my friend.

Oh, yeah?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Something like that.

Oh, you boys have done a great thing.

Oh, you dirty motherfucker, right there.

Oh, you guys fancy yourselves drinkers, huh?

Okay, come back in, do it again.

Okay, good. Let's have a little....

Okay, we want three cups.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay. Crush the bastards.

Okay. Grab him, boys.

Okay. Let's see it.

Okay. Okay.

Okay. Sounds like you guys fancy yourselves drinkers, huh?

Oktoberfest is for tossers and sheep shaggers.

On what, huh?

One dollar to look at it. Two dollars to touch it.

One more thing, I cannot stress this enough, people.

One question. Who are we gonna get ?

One time, he farted an entire plum.

Or else what?

Or should I say our brewery?

Our friend is dead.

Padre?

Pay attention. I'm only doing this once, okay? Excuse me!

Phil?

Please vomit in proper receptacles!

Popo!

Pour it on in, pour it on in.

Prosit!

Prosit.

Prosit.

Pull it together. You're acting a little crazy here.

Put your money where your mouth is.

Really?

Remember we made Fudgsicles out of shit and Mark DeFanti ate one?

Right there.

Right. Let me start that again, guys, huh?

Say good night, Popo.

Say goodbye.

Say hello to the family whore.

Say hi to the missus.

Schniedelspanker!

Schniedelwichsen. Come.

Schnitzengiggle Tavern.

Schnitzengiggle Tavern.

Schnitzengiggle.

Schnitzengiggle.

See you boys later.

See you later, asshole.

See you later, stableboy.

Shake it off.

She couldn't be more not a whore.

She's right.

Show them.

Silence.

Six dollars to touch it while I touch your toe

So a couple of frogs didn't get their around the world.

So are we gonna play for the recipe...

So it's $ 10 for a BJ, $ 12 for an HJ, $ 15 for a ZJ.

So shut the fuck up.

So tell me, was the ceremony beautiful?

So tell me, was the ceremony beautiful?

So there's nothing we can do but hang out and wait. Right, Grandpa?

So this is Oktoberfest.

So we won't have that awkward get to know each other stage.

So you really were a whore?

So, what about Dan "The Magic Man" Dunchkowski?

So, what you're saying is, when the bubble comes...

Some dude, used to work with him at the brewery.

Somebody had the pig snouts over here?

Someone's chewing my leg!

Something like that.

Sorry.

Sorry.

Sorry.

Sorry. But I have been training for a beer drinking competition.

Sorry. Hi.

Sorry. I'm a mathlete, not an athlete.

Sounds fun.

Special delivery!

Spin it.

Spin it.

Split! Split!

Stay put, you.

Strawberry?

Studied everything about everything. Including beer.

Suck them! Suck them!

Suck them.

Suck them. Suck them.

Sure as schnitzel.

Sure, it would be an honor for us, Great Gam Gam. When?

Take that. Moment of truth.

Take the bet, you fucking pussy.

Take this one.

Take what's yours, Grandpapa.

Tell us about the work conditions.

Thank you.

Thank you. Okay.

That is legal European tender.

That machine works just fine.

That shiner's sure starting to fade, huh?

That sounds a little dramatic.

That you are not competing in Beerfest.

That's a great one. Dickface.

That's all you, Landfill. All you.

That's Das Boot!

That's incredible.

That's it. We're packing it in.

That's my brother! God, I missed you.

That's not bad at all.

That's nothing.

That's our recipe.

That's right.

That's the German team, the champs.

That's the most disgusting thing I've ever drank.

That's the part we haven't told you. We're competing against the Germans.

That's true. I have big plans for 2007.

That's very funny, Deutschbag. Only thing is:

That's why Schniedelwasher brought us here.

The ashes. We left them back at that tent.

The biggest surprise, other than the oppressive hours...

The bubble.

The festival begins this week.

The festival of the what what?

The fuck is that?

The guy that brought us there, they killed him.

The moment that only exists in sports.

The moment that, if this was a speech in a movie...

The moment where the good guys take on the bad guys.

The next 11 months are gonna be tough.

The old Trojan keg.

The pa !

The password!

The password!

The stableboy thief?

The team, the beer, the restaurant. All of it.

The tradition is to spread the ashes...

The ultimate test of a beer gamer's mettle!

The von Wolfhausen family recipe.

Their family owns the oldest brewery in Bavaria.

Then stroke it. Stroke it. Stroke it hard.

Then we're gonna go back and kick the tar out of those Krauts!

There he is.

There he is.

There you will meet a Mr. Schniedelwichsen.

There's a competition and we want you to be part of it.

There's this big beer games competition.

These are really the coins?

These big ones have a different flight pattern.

They also practice by drinking the urine of a ram.

They brew 10,000 bottles of beer a day.

They called Grandpa a thief and Gam Gam a whore!

They have the recipe.

They look just like Grandpa's.

They took it away from me.

They wouldn't fly in my biodiesel airplane...

They're not that drunk!

They're not that drunk! They're not that drunk!

They're playing Quarters!

They're regular diamond geezers, they are, right?

Thirty meters.

This air bubble shoots around the heel...

This is a super secret competition. You cannot tell anybody about this.

This is the mark of the whore.

This means Gam Gam really was a whore.

This one's called the Strikeout.

This sweet nectar was my lifeblood.

Those Germans said our grandfather stole their family recipe.

Thought there might be a bug in there.

Thumper!

Time to scheiße off the

Time to scheiße or get off the crap.

Time to scheiße or get off the crapper.

To get fucked up!

To get our recipe!

Todd, no!

Todd, welcome home!

Todd. And Fink.

Turned out the guys I was playing aren't the kind of guys who like to lose.

Turned out, the guys I was playing The guys Okay.

Twenty meters!

Twenty meters. You're never gonna make it.

Two shots, please.

Two, three, go.

Typical Americans. This is why we don't allow you in our Beerfest.

U.S.A. sucks!

U.S.A. sucks! U.S.A. sucks! U.S.A. sucks!

U.S.A. versus England.

U.S.A...

Und now, instead of having Deutschland's greatest beer, we merely have fourth best.

Und then you can punch each other silly.

Up your nose mit the rubber hose!

Up yours, Johnny Cash.

Upside down Chugs!

Us versus them!

Very clever for Americans.

Volley for serve.

Von Wolfhausen. Wolfhouse.

Wait a minute, we like strawberry Get your damn hands off

Wait a second. Look at those urns over there.

Wait, Grandpa was the first born?

Wait, wait. There's something in there.

Wait, wait. Wait. Wait!

Wait, wait. Wait. Wait!

Wait!

Wake up, Finky. Wake up.

Was it a peaceful resting place?

Wasn't even that good looking. Real dead fish, right?

Watch and learn.

Watch out. He's coming your way.

Watch out. Okay, here comes the bubble. Get ready.

Way to go, Finky.

We also had to keep your grandfather's birth a secret...

We are all whores in some way, Mr. Finkelstein.

We are going to America.

We are laughing. We are laughing at you.

We been training for an entire year, lost our jobs and our family...

We call it She Wolf. It's okay.

We came here to drink some beer.

We can do what?

We figured you would say that.

We got ourselves a tie.

We got the Brits in Round One.

We gotta get you out of those wet clothes and into a dry martini.

We gotta go back. We gotta go back and beat those guys.

We gotta go get our grandfather's ashes.

We have come for our recipe.

We heard you got fired from the brewery.

We in the right neighborhood?

We kind of need to stick close.

We must be related through our grandfather, Johan von Wolfhausen.

We need an ambulance immediately at 622 Francis Drive.

We need you, Fink. America needs you.

We put that on Janny's eye.

We sent her to keep an eye on you.

We should have brought deutsche marks!

We should put him on our team.

We were just saying that.

We were undocumented aliens smuggled off in a cargo container to work in the kitchen.

We win...

We'll give them a war they won't believe.

We're extracting frog gamete for cloning trials.

We're gonna defend Grandpa's honor!

We're gonna defend her honor.

We're gonna drink beer. And a lot of it.

We're gonna put the skitters in your Alan Whickers, you plonker!

We're gonna win this thing.

We're gonna wipe our schwanz on you.

We're here to honor our grandfather, Johan von Wolfhausen.

We're in.

We're just singing.

We're not going to shoot you.

We're not that drunk.

We're not weeping. We're mourning. Our friend just committed suicide.

We're putting a team together.

We're singing the beloved drinking songs of our country...

We're supposed to put Grandpa's urn up there with those.

We're the bad guys and they're the good guys.

We're the party brigade.

We've been rat free since 1976.

Welcome back, Landfill.

Well, actually, Barry and Todd had a falling out.

Well, boys, if we're gonna train...

Well, from the time that they are little kids...

Well, hello, Dirty Harrys!

Well, thank you, little lady.

Well, why don't we make it interesting?

Well, you look familiar. Didn't I pay you a dollar for something?

Well, you must leave immediately.

Well, you're gonna have to get through me first.

What a great morning.

What am I supposed to do?

What are you doing?

What are you doing? Put the frog on the table.

What are you looking at?

What are you talking about, man? You're the best. Here, let's go.

What do you say, Barr?

What do you think about that, fuckhead?

What do you think about that, headfuck?

What do you think this is?

What do you think, mate?

What else do the Germans do?

What fucking recipe?

What is it, Grandpapa?

What the fuck?

What the hell is going on? Yeah.

What you're gonna do is take a hit...

What, the team?

What?

What?

What? Barry!

What? No.

What's a ZJ?

What's going on down here?

What's going on? You disappeared for a while.

What's he gonna do, check my urine?

What's that, like pesos? Yeah! Come on.

What's that?

What's the English word I'm looking for?

What's up, Finky?

What's wrong?

When Ludwig died, your grandfather stole the only copy of the recipe created.

When my finger fell into the cake batter, they didn't even stop.

When the bubble hits the corner, gravity will take over...

When you drink, the shape of the boot causes an air bubble to form in the toe.

Where are the Africans? Can the Africans come help me? Jesus!

Where are we going, Mr. Spiedelspackel?

Who ordered the pig snouts?

Who we gonna get to replace Landfill?

Who's Barry Badrinath? Who's Barry Badrinath?

Why are you taking him? Where's he going?

Why don't we have a beer and talk about it?

Why don't you pick your best two? Because you just opened up a can of corn.

Will you shut the hell up? Shut up.

Winner is champion...

Without you, I got nothing.

Wolfgang von Wolfhausen.

Wolfhouse?

Wolfhouses, I want on the team.

Worked me over pretty good.

Would you say it's their oldest profession?

Wow, they're fast!

Wow, what a shot!

Wow, what have you been up to?

Wow, you even talk like a whore.

Yeah, always bet on black. That's a great quote.

Yeah, Barry, you got him. He's yours.

Yeah, challenge somebody. Challenge ourselves.

Yeah, fuck it. Yeah, give it a rim job.

Yeah, girlfriend!

Yeah, I kind of wish it wouldn't.

Yeah, I think we just Yeah, I think we just

Yeah, I understand.

Yeah, it's a beer recipe.

Yeah, somebody did die that day.

Yeah, that could have been me.

Yeah, that's right. Never knew it was a three way, did you?

Yeah, the shit stabbers like you.

Yeah, there's something I haven't quite told you yet.

Yeah, this is going to be like taking black walnut candy from the baby.

Yeah, we know.

Yeah, we're actually the good guys and they're the bad guys, so....

Yeah, you can suck your own dick.

Yeah!

Yeah!

Yeah!

Yeah!

Yeah!

Yeah! Let them compete!

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. Big, blond, asshole Germans.

Yeah. Last month my finger was cut off with the cake mixer.

Yeah. Very beautiful. I mean, gorgeous.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yep, I'd trade all this in if I could get that feeling back again.

Yes!

Yes.

Yes. This is a really bad time. Thanks.

You are a good friend.

You are making a big mistake, cowboy.

You are making a big mistake, cowboy.

You are the privileged few.

You bet your ass I do.

You boys are a team, und a good one.

You couldn't even do one boot. You can barely stand!

You couldn't hit your own ball bag with your own wrinkled cock.

You do not bring outsiders to Beerfest.

You do not speak of Beerfest outside of Beerfest!

You don't come into my place of business and take my money like that.

You don't have to yell.

You don't understand. I'm a respected member of the scientific community.

You go. I'm never leaving this place.

You got 15 minutes to tell me more.

You got chutzpah, Fuckelstein.

You got nothing, baby. I got everything!

You got nothing! You got nothing!

You got nothing. Bring it.

You gotta be kidding me.

You gotta be kidding me.

You guys are my family.

You have one minute to march out that door.

You have room. You're little.

You just blew it, Friedrich.

You kidding me? She's hot as hell.

You knocked his head off.

You know the von Wolfhausen brewery is our brewery.

You know what that means.

You know, fellas, maybe training alone on a rooftop...

You know, I came to a conference here once. Hookerthon 2002.

You ready, du kleiner Hosenscheißer?

You said you got kicked in the face by a Clydesdale.

You said you were practicing. Practicing for what?

You see them blokes in the knickers?

You seem like sporting fellows, no?

You should go back to your strip malls and drink your Zimas and Smirnoff Ices.

You should have the balls to take back what is yours.

You son of a bitch!

You sure you wanna do this? You're drunk.

You take the big guy. I'll get the little one.

You two are the rightful heirs to the von Wolfhausen brewery.

You want me to lose weight, so that was the low carb

You want that geek?

You weren't trying to play me for a fool, were you, Wolfhouse?

You will too.

You will too.

You win, you get to keep it.

You win, you keep the recipe und the money.

You're getting better. Next time.

You're gonna chance...

You're jerking him off.

You're trying to see my panties. Goddamn it, put me down, please!

You've got spunk, Wolfhouse. I'll give you that.

You've gotta drink.

Your grandfather was a thieving bastard stable boy.

Your grandfather was no von Wolfhausen.

Your last name's von Wolfhausen?

Your wife didn't think I was crazy when I double teamed her with "Silo" Johnson.

...and you don't know where this is? You haven't been training.

...but I gotta quit the team. What are you talking about?

...how you doing with The Boot? Not there yet.

...the recipe is ours. Give me that thing.

All right, let's do this. Which one of you two was more wasted?

All right! Yeah, cheers!

All you guys. You too, big boy. Don't lose these.

Another one? Yeah.

Anyone else's cold? Really cold.

Bastards. I was playing Ping Pong in Ding Dang.

Because of the pH balance? No.

Bullshit. Now you're coming after me?

But I'll teach you something somebody Hey!

But they are so hard to find! They're not!

Can I help you? Who are you?

Can I try that? Honey, we're practicing.

Can it, college boy! "College boy"? I thought you

Come on. Okay. Well....

Come on. I'm really busy. We're serious.

Dispose of him. Wait!

Do you know what he's saying? Volume Chug!

Don't be rash, Phillip. How did they get to you?

Don't call Gam Gam a whore! She's not! Punch me! Do it!

English. Drunken recall.

Fuck. Hey.

Get away from me. All right.

Get out of here! Barry, Barry

Get out of here! Help! Help!

Get them in there. All right!

Gil? Gil?

Give me six Schnitzes. What the doctor ordered.

Give me this. Put that in the cooler.

God, you're looking good. Thanks, Barry.

Gotcha. Hey!

Guards. Wait, wait!

He is of no concern to you. But he was just walking us through. He

He loved that show. But seriously, I wanted to thank you all...

He was. He was.

He wasn't storing corn in that thing. Son of a bitch!

He's got me! He's gone crazy dingo.

Hell, yeah! I'm in. Yeah!

Hello. Hey, Laurie. How are you?

Here, let me show you. No. You don't have to demonstrate.

Hey, buddy. Go with God.

Hey, fill her up, okay? Practicing for what?

Hey, guys. Hey, Krista.

Hey, guys. Please, give it a rest. You know what? I got an idea.

Hey, it's Popo. Sorry.

Hey, looking good, Finky. You too, Barry.

Hey, smart coat. Oh, thank you. It's rayon.

Hey. It's Popo. Popo was given to me...

Hi! Let's go.

How did you know about that? One death.

How is it, Jan? Tell us.

How? Well, for one thing...

I don't know. It was just a one night stand, right?

I got it published. Where?

I wanna bask in it. Yeah, yeah. Just let it be.

I wanna put my dick in it. I want it to put its dick in me.

I'll say. Of course. So is everybody.

I'm in. Me too.

I'm published in four journals. What?

I'm putting a team together. Turn around.

I'm sorry. One more time? Shove off!

Is everything okay? Everything is fine.

Is this guy really that good? Yeah.

It's impossible to handle. It's impossible to handle.

It's magical. It's laughing at me.

It's the health board. Hang up. Hang up.

It's true, Sandy. Rat fetus?

Ja, it's fun. One second.

Krista, I can't begin to tell you how sorry You should be ashamed of yourself.

Krista, I'm so sorry. Thank you. Thank you for coming.

Let's do this. Ja, do it.

Let's drink some beer! Yeah!

lf he had it, why didn't he brew it? Hebrew?

Looks like it's German. Aren't you guys German?

Maybe he didn't know it was in here. It supposed to be good?

Name it. lf it wouldn't be too uncomfortable...

Nice bottle. Hey, Landfill.

Night, Todd. Bye, Todd.

No. Wait. No?

Nothing. No, seriously.

Now get them out of here. Hang on, hang on, hang on.

Oh, come on, man, that's crazy. Is it? We can do this.

Oh, he's fine. Great guy. Yeah. Good.

Oh, my God. Goddamn it!

Oh, that's a good one. It's kind of spunky.

Okay, fine. I like it now.

One, two, three. Go.

Our best two? You want our best two? The corn.

Perfect. And if I could just ask one favor.

Quiet, lovely. Yeah.

Really? What recipe?

See, Barry doinked Todd's girlfriend. Yahtzee.

She's a whore? No, she's not a whore.

Smart idea, college boy. Go test our mettle.

So what if she was a whore? She's not.

Sober as a bird. All right. Enough fucking around.

Still in contact with the Silo? The Silo.

That's a good one, Todd. Good. That's what I wanted to hear.

That's cheap. Shit.

That's great. Hey, Todd.

That's rich, Baron. What's so funny?

That's us. ...or disease infested rat hole?

That's worth a squirt, innit? What?

The double team. The double team.

The what? They drink ram's piss.

There he is. Where?

They just kept making the cupcakes. Dear Lord.

Thirty bucks? Jan, forget it.

This guy blows. Come on. You can do it.

We can do it. Yeah.

We can't do it without you, Fink. No chance. I have a job.

We should see if they got crab cakes left. Oh, great idea.

We're gonna put together our own team! Yes.

What did you say? Baron Ludwig von Wolfhausen...

What do you wanna do about Barry? We don't need him.

What if it takes longer than a year? Ja, I was hoping to be done by 2007.

What? Really drunk.

When were you going to tell me? Tell you what?

Where you going? Get out of here.

Where's the American team? Yeah.

Who else knows of this package? Absolutely no one.

Who's Barry? Don't worry.

Who's the hippo? Phil Krundel.

With the Silo? Yeah.

Working on bridges. Under bridges. Like an architect?

Yeah, so? Give me that.

Yeah, sure, sure. Sure.

Yeah! Come on!

Yeah! Come on!

Yeah! I can't do it.

Yeah? Barry, what are you doing?

Yeah. It's me, Jerry, your paperboy. Hey, Jerry.

You know we should have played them. I wasn't about to give them that recipe.

You must be Fink. How'd you know?

You wanna get out of here? Looking for a little slap and tickle?

You wanna sit on this side? Fuck you.

You'll have to figure that out for us. You got it, Hot Toddy.

You're dead, bitch. Oh, yeah?

You're fucked. Yeah, he's fucked.

Zip it, Fink. Sorry.

...228.

...a common Bavarian....

...all the...

...and carry out this tradition for your grandfather.

...and explodes towards your face while drinking.

...and for Great Gam Gam.

...and guess what I found? A rat fetus inside.

...and guess what I found? A rat fetus inside.

...and had us tarred and feathered and run out of town.

...and look, it is marked: "Most urgent."

...and shoot beer down your throats.

...and the smoke out's in 30 minutes and I don't wanna get disqualified.

...and then touch your dick.

...and they shoved a Ping Pong paddle up my ass.

...and you sing us that bloody jingo jango?

...as we gather today to mourn the passing of Johan Wolfhouse...

...because he was married to a young baroness.

...because he was the baron's first born son.

...but they held me down...

...by my father on his deathbed.

...by spinning the boot and making a whirlpool.

...chug your beer, do a shot, then blow out the smoke.

...do it for yourselves.

...drinking ram piss isn't the way to go.

...for the ultimate battle!

...for this big, secret, international, pot smoking competition.

...for this is a real von Wolfhausen.

...for what you have added to my long and happy life.

...fuss is about.

...Germans are raised to be excellent beer drinkers.

...he squealed like a stuffed pig.

...he was my fat asshole.

...I cloned a batch of monkey frogs.

...I was hoping maybe you guys could call me Landfill, in honor of him.

...I'm gonna give you one last chance to walk out that door.

...I'm really sorry...

...in cash.

...it would be an honor if you would join us.

...just turn the boot.

...l'd have to say the whole whore thing is a real possibility.

...of Beerfest!

...of the Baron Ludwig von Wolfhausen, who fell in love...

...or a ZJ or any kind of a J.

...or should I just roll it up and eat it? I'm hungry.

...our great grandfather, the most legendary brewmeister in all Deutschland.

...pneumono ultra microscopic silico volcano canaisis.

...really, however, see what...

...take good care of the restaurant.

...that grows and grows until it gets to the heel...

...then it pops and explodes out of the boot. Okay?

...there is an American player who has not competed in any event.

...they beat me.

...they train high up in the Alps.

...this is all that remains of a thieving stable boy...

...this would be shown up on the humongotron...

...to get the home team fans fired up, huh? Right?

...to spread the ashes of our loved ones in Munich.

...und their delicious looking friends.

...was the unsanitary conditions.

...we are not so different, you and I.

...we're gonna need a training facility!

...what can I say that Johan can't say for himself?

...where is our recipe?

...who ran away to America with his whore mother!

...who will tell a story that will curdle your strudel.

...with a beautiful young Bavarian whore.

...you were wearing your grandfather's ashes as a hat.

...you would find a license plate and a tire and half of an 8 year old boy.

...you're gonna have to earn it.

"If you don't quit masturbating, you'll go blind."

"Strikeout," right?