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Home > Drop Dead Gorgeous (1999)
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Drop Dead Gorgeous (1999)

Drop Dead Gorgeous (1999)

Drop Dead Gorgeous is a 1999 dark comedy film that hilariously satirizes beauty pageants and small-town life. Set in the fictional town of Mount Rose, Minnesota, the movie provides a behind-the-scenes glimpse into the highly competitive world of a teenage beauty pageant. Directed by Michael Patrick Jann, the film boasts a talented ensemble cast including Kirsten Dunst, Ellen Barkin, Kirstie Alley, Denise Richards, Allison Janney, and Amy Adams among others.

With its sharp wit and outrageous characters, Drop Dead Gorgeous offers a humorous critique on the concept of beauty and the lengths people go to achieve it. Filled with dark humor, unexpected twists, and oddball characters, the film delivers a surprisingly sharp social commentary while keeping its audience entertained.

If you're interested in exploring the sounds and scenes from Drop Dead Gorgeous, you can play and download the movie soundtrack or enjoy its hilarious moments online.

A I a b a m a.
A I a s k a.
A r i z o n a.
A bunch of us were going cow tipping.
A group of boys calling themselves Queen...
A little bit different here in Mount Rose.
A little more like Diane Sawyer than my mom.
A salmonella dysentery outbreak...
A solid Christian trunk...
A whole goddamned town full of losers...
A.k. a. Minneapolis, St. Paul.
About that...
After he attacked me...
After some extensive investigating...
After some thorough investigating...
Ain't that right, Jean?
Alabama.
Alaska.
All right, all right.
All right, let's go.
All right, number two.
All right, ready.
All right, say, "airport hotel. "
All right, so very important, don't forget that.
All right, so...
All right, they're making a movie.
All right, very important.
All right, why don't we pick up the stepladders...
All right. I'm sorry. They're just staring.
All right. Very nice.
All so I could have tap lessons and be in the pageant...
All talent costumes have to be OK'd...
All the way to nationals, too.
All to bring me into this world...
Along with Sarah Rose Cosmetics...
Always keeps her flame burning bright...
Always offer to pay them off in tacos.
Amber Atkins, proud to be an American.
Amber Atkins, that is not American Teen Princess language.
Amber Atkins.
Amber Atkins...
Amber does my hair once a week.
Amber should've won.
Amber, how do you feel?
Amber, I am reaching a point where I would kill someone...
Amber, I'm sorry. I don't make up the rules.
Amber, I'm sorry. I really am.
Amber, we are not putting on our talent costume.
Amber's gonna be the next Diane Sawyer, you know.
American Teen Princess
American Teen Princess Pageant really changed my life.
American Teen Princesses...
An ambulance?
An interpretive...
And ask him if we can use that barn light as a spot again...
And become what you've always dreamed of makes me...
And being a big time reporter like Diane Sawyer.
And can you believe it?
And can you remember the theme of your favorite pageant?
And certain things you aspire to, yeah?
And doing a little duck hunting...
And fifteen hundred beads on the skirt alone.
And Gladys Leeman was Gladys Wood...
And go get my smokes!
And here she is...
And I brought your favorites.
And I know it won't show, but on my inner thighs...
And I know you can win.
And I thank God
And I'm Amber Atkins.
And I'm ass up in somebody's flower bed.
And I'm signing up for the pageant...
And if it's quite all right
And if you should fall
And it has the power to change you...
And John Dough...
And judges.
And learn how to hide your feelings
And let's be honest, the family only needs one Liza...
And long leafy branches to provide shade...
And make it all the way here to Lincoln, Alabama...
And my boyfriend thinks I'll win.
And now, finally the moment...
And now, our second runner up...
And Peter's got much better legs than me, OK?
And put away wet when you're my age?
And put faces on it, faces of great Americans...
And repeat.
And right now I'm thinking "Othello... "
And rip your fat little heads off!
And running eighteen miles a day on about four hundred calories.
And she definitely knows...
And she was Mount Rose American Teen Princess.
And she'll probably ride on Becky's ass...
And show me some teeth.
And since my costume was OK'd a month ago...
And soaked in lye for a week or so.
And soon to be...
And still find time to look beautiful...
And tendu, close. Tendu, close.
And that's why, dear Lord, it's with such great sorrow...
And the fact...
And the winner of the spirit award goes to...
And the year before that was...
And then in surgery...
And then kill you!
And there was a line on this in Vegas...
And there's a picture of Tammy Curry taped inside.
And this raven beauty on my right is Terry Macy.
And this time someone didn't want her to win.
And this year...
And to move her out to the cemetery.
And tuck in the tushes!
And we still have one more contestant... number eight.
And we will wave the fifty dollar application fee...
And we're your Minnesota American Teen Princess...
And what's going to happen here is that this is going to look...
And when they're looking at your teeth, God willing...
And winner of a fifty dollar scholarship...
And you are...
And you might even meet a few celebrities.
And you will not find a "back room" in our video store.
And you wouldn't know it.
And you...
And you're gonna win.
And you're not a total fry, it's just what you do.
And... tendu, close. Tendu, close.
Ankles together.
Annette, just use your hand.
Anyone talk to Jenelle lately?
Are getting sexy with your hips...
Are we on "Cops," Harold?
Are you Amber Atkins?
Are you disappointed about not winning?
Are you getting her?
Are you ladies going to the parade?
Are you upset about Brett?
Arizona.
Around the world.
As acting president...
As Barbara.
As we look at her
At least a week in advance.
At least I got to compete, and my mom got to see me dance.
At long last
At one of my brother's shows.
At the nationals...
Atomic power makes me, Molly Howard...
Aw, man.
Aw, shit.
Back off, college boy! Now listen!
Back, you cuddly retard.
Bad wiring?
Beautiful as a whore's ass today, huh, boys?
Beautiful Mount Rose, Minnesota...
Because living in a country where Lady Liberty...
Because this is the time in the pageant...
Because to live in a country...
Because we only got three frickin' minutes on the battery.
Because you're talking crazy.
Because, I mean, we don't know who the winner is yet.
Becky Leeman for president of the gun club, either, and I did.
Becky, baby, get up!
Before I was blown out of the house.
Before the pageant. You can wear it.
Best damn tapper, the most smartest.
Best thing I got to look forward to...
Big excitement.
Bitch.
Bonsai.
Brett Favre.
Bring it on!
Bruce, that's Roy. Roy, Bruce.
Brushing up on current events...
Bullshit.
But I know for a fact Tammy only smoked after a good drive.
But I never could have won...
But I'm in my house now, and I gotta warn you...
But I'm not going through this again.
But in some kind of weird miracle...
But it wasn't his fault, was it, Kenny? No.
But maybe I could call you tonight?
But none can compare to the greatest bark of all...
But other people didn't think I could beat out...
But talent like yours doesn't need to hide behind sequins.
But the show must go on.
But they only had me because Peter needed that kidney.
But this one is extra super special to me.
But you know the rules state that a costume has to be OK'd...
But you know the rules.
But you... I mean...
But, I mean...
Butterick pattern seven four three two.
By Gladys before the pageant.
By sewing...
Call a priest, for Christ's sake!
Can I?
Can one of you boys give me a ride home?
Can we switch numbers?
Can't take my eyes
Can't take my eyes
Choking on swan gas.
Christ, the woman clung to your tap shoes...
Clint Black, ruff!
Close up shop.
Coffee and doughnuts.
Come and get it!
Come back here. Mommy wants to talk to you.
Come here.
Come on out...
Come on, kick it!
Come on, Miss Forest Lake...
Come on! You want some of this!
Come on! You want some of this!
Come on.
Come on. Sell it!
Compare scores and figure out a winner...
Compete around the country in places like...
Competed in pageants...
Competing for the title...
Considering the fact she was so young.
Contestant number...
Contestants. You know...
Could you tell us anything about the controversy?
Country western!
Course, I hope I end up...
Courtesy Leeman Furniture, and an all expense paid trip...
Create world peace with one of her prayers...
Cross on the left and arms up on eight.
Damn it, I should've killed you when I had a chance...
Dance...
Diane Sawyer has number eight at her local.
Diane was a little hippy then.
Did I win?
Didn't even get to keep my damn tiara.
Ding! Fries are up!
Do not cross their legs like streetwalkers.
Do you do any of the embalming?
Do you judge the pageant every year?
Do you like to swim?
Do you need help with the cooler?
Do you think a nice cool mint would help...
Do you think most people would say...
Doesn't she look fine?
Dogwood.
Don't cry out loud
Don't fall for it.
Don't go in the bathroom.
Don't let that worry you, Annette!
Don't make me kick you where the good Lord...
Don't make me kick you where the good Lord...
Don't make me split you where you...
Don't make me...
Don't move the body. Don't touch the body.
Don't often see that.
Don't say anything...
Don't tell anyone.
Don't tell.
Don't touch her.
Don't you get it?
Doreen gave us hair nets.
Down her throat for dessert.
Drumroll, please...
Dude, don't say "ass wipe. "
During the physical fitness routine.
Emperor Hirohito.
English!
Envelope, please.
Especially on an exploding thresher.
Every last one of us.
Every year... every damn year, I tell 'em...
Everything smells like that in Mexico.
Excuse me, "Miss Penthouse '98... "
Excuse me, but I'm bragging up your kid here.
Fade in.
Finding out what's true
First of all, I'm not pregnant, OK?
First the picture of Tammy, then Brett Clemmens, and now this?
Five, six, seven... and one...
For bring home milk and a carton of Lucky...
For Christ's sakes, spit it out, Amber.
For fuck's sake, why didn't you leave him with a sitter?
For handicapped kids on a hot summer day.
For last year's American Teen Princess...
For me to know what that would feel like.
For my dad, Lester Leeman.
For my talent, I'm going to be doing...
For one thing, we're all God fearin' folk.
For the blood of Christ.
For the nicotine under their fingernails.
For the pageant yet?
For the physical fitness number?
For the physical fitness number.
For the reigning Mount Rose American Teen Princess.
For the vo tech of her choice is...
For... car accidents. Insurance.
Foul play? Shit, no.
Found my tap costume on the roof of their trailer...
Freda, sure.
Friends who have friends on the outside.
From neighboring state pageants...
From pageants into acting.
Fuckin' beauty queens blowin' chunks everywhere.
Funny, you don't look dead.
Gay!
Get out!
Get that tempo right. Kick it!
Get the money first.
Get up there.
Get your sweet ass off the phone, Cinnamon.
Girls check in, but they don't check out.
Girls, couple of things.
Give her your tray, Brett.
Give it to her.
Give me your stringy ass!
Gladys Leeman's finally going to go to state...
Gladys says a couple of youse...
Gladys wants us to all go in show order today.
Gladys, let her go.
Gladys, look out!
Gladys, the Judges Interview.
Go Muskies!
Go on home, Loretta.
Go on. The party's over.
Go, Hank!
Go, Molly!
Go.
Go...
God, I hope that's you and not your concussion talking.
God, Iris, you taped your shows over it.
God, that's so great!
God.
Good things happen to good people.
Good, because this isn't an American Teen Princess Pageant.
Gosh darn it. Hello, Father Dunegan.
Gotta go.
Green?
Had it all
Hairy legged women libbers might say.
Hank can't help it if he's born crazier than a shit house rat!
Harold, are we on "Cops"?
Harold, Mom said not in the head!
Has been enriching the lives of American made girls since 1945.
Has brought about her untimely death.
Has there been sabotage?
Have you decided what your talent is going to be yet?
He followed his dream all the way to New York.
He lifts them from the poverty they know in Mexico.
He sells reproductions!
He took it right between the eyes.
He went to live with a nice family on a farm...
He's buried next to my grandpa.
He's taking her to Lincoln, Alabama.
Hell no, she ain't quitting.
Hello, Tony.
Help!
Her beauty worked against her...
Here she is
Here she is...
Here, I didn't...
Here, I'll take it. It's my job.
Here, watch.
Here? What?
Here's him as Madonna.
Here's Peter as... Liza!
Here's the weird part.
Here's the weird part.
Hey to the folks.
Hey, Amber, did you get my smokes?
Hey, ass wipe, quit dicking around with the camera.
Hey, hey, hey! Family?
Hey, hey, you like it?
Hey, how you doing?
Hey, Little Miss Sad Pants and her friend Serious Sally.
Hey, that was your mom.
Hey, Tim, Carla, listen...
Hey, what he got that I not got?
Hey, you hear that?
Hey. What's up, Scott?
Hi there.
Hi, guys.
Hi, Mom.
Hi, monkey.
Hi, Pat.
Hi.
Hi. I'm Amber Atkins, and I'm signing up...
Hi. I'm Rebecca Leeman, and I believe this pageant...
His furniture's as fake as my orgasms.
Honest to God, honey.
Honey, if I was a good lover...
Honey, is this the best day of your life?
Hope this thing ends before they do.
How about some nice cool mints...
How are you going to figure this all out?
How did you know?
How quickly they forget where this all comes from.
Hunting season.
Hurry up.
I ain't gonna be in no goddamn pageant.
I always watch the pageants on TV...
I am not letting go until you tell me what's up.
I beg your pardon. Would you like a drink?
I bet Diane Sawyer never had to deal with crap like this.
I can look at it and see...
I can see what's mine now
I can sum up our entire philosophy with this glass.
I can't believe she said...
I can't believe this is happening.
I chose Mount Rushmore...
I couldn't let you go out there in that skimpy little thing.
I did it.
I didn't do anything wrong.
I didn't wanna win like this.
I do have a special fella in my life...
I don't care if you have to ride this thing sidesaddle.
I don't get off on that kind of thing.
I don't know what my talent's gonna be yet.
I don't know.
I don't know. A gift from God or something.
I don't really have time for guys anyways.
I don't think so.
I don't want to see that.
I dream of getting out of Mount Rose...
I feel like I need to take a shower.
I get made a judge, then the furniture store hires us...
I got second place.
I got second runner up.
I got some.
I gotta get ahold of Ted...
I gotta go!
I gotta work with these girls.
I grew up right next to these stockyards.
I guess I could answer that.
I guess my most memorable one...
I guess number eight only worked for Diane Sawyer.
I had beef jerky in my front pocket.
I have a dream...
I have just been notified that contestant number seven...
I haven't told my boyfriend yet.
I hope it was worth it.
I hope you understand.
I just can't believe it.
I just did.
I just do the hair and makeup on the deceased.
I just don't want this to be the thing that you do over.
I just fell in love with the Big Apple last summer...
I just love Saint Paul pork products.
I just need one more do over.
I just wanna say...
I just wanna tap, you know?
I just wanted my mom to see me dance.
I just wanted to compete.
I kind of misunderstood the assignment.
I know the truth, that's why.
I know what some of your big city, no bra wearin'...
I know who the winner is.
I know who the winner is.
I know who the winner... Harold.
I know you sacrificed everything...
I know, but these things happen...
I know, I know.
I know, I know. Gives me the willies, too.
I know.
I know. Come on, let's go.
I live in L.A.
I love you much.
I love you, baby
I love you, baby
I mean, guys get out of Mount Rose all the time...
I mean, I have no idea who Jean picked...
I mean, it's all happening so fast.
I mean, maybe other people think I can't win a beauty pageant...
I mean, why would I want to be, you know?
I mean...
I meant nervous about the pageant.
I might even take seconds!
I must say...
I need Stella now.
I need to go first.
I never liked her, but she didn't deserve...
I open my locker today after first period...
I owe my life to that deaf baby.
I probably gotta work at the funeral home.
I run track, and right here I'm the new president...
I should just ask you, Becky.
I should just go home now.
I shoved your tap shoes in my panties...
I tell Annette, you talk to me during my stories...
I tell you one thing...
I think I just thought of the theme.
I think it went really well.
I think that you guys should leave.
I thought it might help you get some sleep.
I told you all about 'em. This here's Loretta.
I wanna hold you
I wanna hold you
I want to have the big bag of little doughnuts.
I was contestant number one.
I was crowned Mount Rose's American Teen Princess...
I was just saying that, you know?
I was just trying to scare you into changing your mind.
I was Mount Rose American Teen Princess in 1945.
I was practicing my talent, finishing my costume...
I was ready.
I was scared, OK?
I was supposed to go first.
I will if you shut your piehole.
I work here now!
I'd lay down ten to one that it all comes down...
I'd like to take you back seventeen years...
I'd start walking out of this town...
I'll be line dancing.
I'll be right behind you in the hearse, OK?
I'll get it!
I'll let you drive.
I'll throw in a hutch for free, OK?
I'm a lifer here.
I'm alive
I'm captain.
I'm cutting you off and sending you home.
I'm going to be smiling for a year.
I'm going to do my talent tonight.
I'm gonna be on TV just like Diane Sawyer.
I'm gonna call your mom.
I'm gonna quit the pageant.
I'm just going to leave it in you.
I'm kind of dizzy from the fumes.
I'm Leslie Miller.
I'm Minnesota's American Teen Princess.
I'm not going to win.
I'm not really busy on Friday.
I'm not saying I'm the best or that I'd even win, but...
I'm quitting the pageant.
I'm quitting.
I'm signing up 'cause, you know...
I'm so excited.
I'm sorry.
I'm the judge!
I'm trying to tell him...
I'm wearing my wife apron and my mom hat...
I've been enjoying Saint Paul pork products for years.
I've had your shit for two weeks now!
I've never seen anything like it before, and...
If Cain and Abel...
If I die from these fumes...
If I had it to do over...
If I shoved your head up your ass?
If I was a betting woman...
If it's another stray bullet to the head...
If Jenelle hadn't wanted to go first...
If so, you got all the pictures of the winner you need.
If you catch this in your mouth, I'll give you a present.
If you could be any tree in the woods...
If you list a friend and put down her address.
If you want seconds, I'll make sure you get them!
If you wanted to do something...
If you're getting at something, you'd better just say it.
If you're seventeen...
In alphabetical order.
In Bundy, Minnesota...
In case Becky won.
In fact, I love 'em so much...
In her farewell performance.
In ways you've never dreamed of.
Iowa, Wisconsin, South Dakota.
Iris, stop it. It's not his fault.
Is an important experience for every young woman.
Is old fashioned and demeaning to the girls.
Is people!
Is that for me or my gown?
Is there a controversy here?
Is this my mark?
Is to end up in some decent raisin ranch...
Isn't she gonna win, Loretta?
It can't feel good.
It is my duty...
It is with overwhelming pride...
It lasts longer.
It makes me proud I'm American.
It makes me proud to be an American.
It smells funny... like gasoline.
It was here before the opening number.
It was still on the hanger.
It'll help you smile...
It's a $200 fine!
It's a little game we play every week.
It's all the stuff I get to do.
It's always hard to see the young ones called home.
It's been about two months.
It's best with lots of butter.
It's front page news when one of 'em takes a shit.
It's half full.
It's just a camera I keep in the glove compartment...
It's just like Anthony Robbins says...
It's just like Diane Sawyer's!
It's just really hard...
It's just so odd and gross.
It's just the guys that are, you know...
It's me... Becky.
It's not my fault. Please.
It's nothing special...
It's OK.
It's OK. They're just giving her a ride back.
It's scary.
It's still the same family run business...
It's the damn Shriners who won't take down...
Jean Kangas...
Jesus Christ on a cross!
Jesus Christ!
Joining us now is David Richardson...
Just give me a minute to warm up.
Just introduce yourself and tell us why...
Just keep it inside
Just like your little friend!
Just put another book under it.
Just watching the young girls.
Keep on moving through.
Keep on. Keep moving it.
Keep them away from you so they don't get on the outfits.
Kenny! Kenny, come. Come, Kenny.
Ladies and gentlemen...
Ladies, listen up. I'm Colleen Douglas.
Lay him flat!
Left in that can and relax a bit?
Leslie Miller kicks Teen Princess ass!
Leslie Miller, proud to be an American.
Leslie Miller.
Let go of me!
Let me love you
Let me love you, baby
Let's form a line.
Let's get out of here!
Let's get this straight right now.
Let's get you a root beer float.
Let's give a big round of applause...
Let's go home.
Let's just say who should win, who deserves to win is Amber.
Let's shake a leg, ladies!
Lights, camera, and me without a stitch of makeup on.
Like a glistening lake beneath the swan.
Like he just came in from snowmobiling.
Like sands through the hourglass so are the "Days Of Our Lives. "
Lincoln, Alabama, look out!
Lisa Swenson has dropped out of the pageant.
Lisa, come on, you're next.
Lisa, I don't think you should do this.
Listen up, number one.
Listen, Amber...
Listen, guys, if you see anything you like...
Living in a country where no matter who you are...
Lmpartial?
Look at her
Look here. Look at me.
Look what happened to that dork ass farm girl.
Look, number one rule in a funeral home...
Looking like a cheap whore.
Looking through the eyes
Loretta, don't do that.
Loretta, don't do that.
Loretta, get out of here! Go on, get out.
Loretta, never have kids.
Love that one.
Love you, baby.
Lutefisk is codfish that's been salted...
Ma always says, "Don't eat anything...
Makes me...
Making the movie about the pageant.
Mary Johanson.
Maybe it's your way of telling us to buy American.
Maybe she should've shoved that lucky bolt...
Minnesota American Teen Princess...
Minnesota's American Teen Princess...
Miss Burnsville, you're up next.
Mm hmm. Yeah. I'm gonna sing and dance...
Mom still cries when she sees a tilt a whirl...
Mom, look. Don't talk.
Mom, will you be so kind?
Mom's got the window open. We gotta hurry up, though...
Mom's out here in the front row.
Most smartest?
Most smartest.
Mount Rose American Teen Princess is...
Mount Rose American Teen Princess.
Mr. Adam West!
Mr. Larson's son learned the hard way.
Mrs. Clark, why are you doing this to me?
Muskies! Yeah!
Must have been smoking and driving.
My cousin just had a deaf baby, and I get to go see it.
My dress is fine.
My hands are stuck.
My jacket.
My little Carol Burnett.
My lovely daughter Rebecca Ann Leeman is competing.
My mom and Diane Sawyer.
My mom gave me this nine mill for my thirteenth birthday.
My mom had Mrs. Lopez make it.
My mom wanted me to have this?
My pants are...
My place of business, my little house of worship...
My talent will be...
My uncle Phil's world's largest ball of twine...
My winning the Mount Rose...
Nah, I quit.
Nah. Hazard of the trade.
Name and spell all the United States...
Never been around young girls.
Never judged a pageant before in my life.
Never sneak up on the living.
Next one in here without a pack of Luckys in her hand dies!
Next thing I know...
Next weekend, when she will be competing for the title...
Next!
Nice mouth you got there...
Nice one, Dad. He's dead.
Nice, John.
Nice, Ma. Real nice.
No way.
No way. Oh, my God.
No, Dad, it was worth it.
No, I think you boys are going to find something...
No, it's pure bullshit, sweetie.
No, listen. We shouldn't talk here.
No, she's just screaming "Mom" because she's got Turret's.
No, thank you. Is Amber here?
No. Here.
No. I've never judged nothin' before.
No. It's all right. Don't worry about it.
No. Mom said if I did...
No. No. No way. No.
No. She's not getting up.
No. You betcha, Iris.
Not so hard, sweetie. I heard something snap.
Nothing too showy.
Now come on.
Now get up there.
Now just run in the store and pick out some outfits.
Now she's as dead as a doornail.
Now traced to improperly refrigerated shellfish...
Now, ladies, the rest of the tape...
Now, that's my cue.
Now, this pageant's your ticket out of here...
Now, we need to remember the three most important parts...
Now...
Number one.
Of course, it's not a size ten.
Of Minnesota's American Teen Princess sure was exciting...
Of Sarah Rose Cosmetics...
Of spreading sign language...
Of the Lutheran Sisterhood Gun Club.
Of the Lutheran Sisterhood Gun Club.
Of the most talented contestant Mount Rose has ever had.
Of the Mount Rose Civil Servettes...
Of their lives.
Of...
Off of you
Oh, Amber, like you're the only one who visits Mary?
Oh, Amber, wait!
Oh, Amber!
Oh, are we on "Cops" again?
Oh, boy, I'd hate to follow that act.
Oh, come on, Mom.
Oh, crap.
Oh, crap. I only got four weeks to practice.
Oh, crap. Oh, crap.
Oh, excuse us, guys.
Oh, for Christ's sake! Call an ambulance!
Oh, for crap sake.
Oh, God, you got that on the first try.
Oh, God!
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Oh, gosh, she's been singing and dancing...
Oh, gosh.
Oh, help yourself.
Oh, hey, Ed.
Oh, I don't eat shellfish.
Oh, I see you're married.
Oh, Jesus H. Christ.
Oh, Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.
Oh, just a little snarl.
Oh, Kenny! Oh, this is Kenny.
Oh, look.
Oh, Ma.
Oh, Miss K.
Oh, Mom, it's so ugly.
Oh, my baby!
Oh, my God, it's "Cops. "
Oh, my God, my tap costume's gone.
Oh, my God, no. Oh, God.
Oh, my God, oh, my God.
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Do you think they heard us?
Oh, my God. I am so dead.
Oh, my.
Oh, nervous about the pageant.
Oh, no. That's just a compact. Sorry.
Oh, no. You just missed her.
Oh, really?
Oh, she's super happy.
Oh, shut up.
Oh, stop.
Oh, sweet Jesus.
Oh, thank you so much.
Oh, that was "Buy American. "
Oh, that's great. You're real educated.
Oh, the blow to her head made her deaf.
Oh, there'll be a choreographer to the stars.
Oh, they love that.
Oh, this...
Oh, what?
Oh, wow.
Oh, yeah, baby!
Oh, yeah, hell of a way to go, there.
Oh, yeah, really nervous.
Oh, yeah, sure.
Oh, yeah, sure.
Oh, yeah, sure. Every pageant is special...
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah. I brought her some flowers this morning.
Oh, yeah. Yeah, sure. You bet.
Oh, you are cute.
Oh, you bet.
Ohio.
OK, be quiet.
OK, due to budgetary cutbacks...
OK, I designed the float.
OK, I'm sorry.
OK, let's see.
OK, OK...
OK, real good.
OK, showtime.
OK. Hi. Hi.
OK. Ready?
On the beat, on the beat, on the beat!
Once a carny, always a carny.
One of our reporters has just been shot.
One suggestion, sweetie.
One with strong roots in a community like Mount Rose...
One, two, three!
One, two, three.
One, two...
Opening number looked good...
Or "Soylent Green... "
Or a fat lady in a tube top.
Or a skull saw in their hand.
Or Harold.
Or prison.
Or where you come from, you can grow up...
Other side!
Our baby's going to nationals.
Our heart swells big
Our little Amber.
Our Mount Rose
Our Mount Rose
Our neighbor boy Kenny Hansen...
Our next contestant is ready, so let's welcome her...
Our next prize, a seventy five dollar scholarship...
Over here at the tiki bar...
Pain meds.
Paints stepladders right before a pageant?
Paramedics are working on her right now...
People ask me where I get this.
Peter never would've pulled a shenanigan like that.
Pin his shoulders!
Pin their shoulders to the mat!
Pink cheeks and...
Planet... Earth.
Please. I got so much Vaseline on my teeth...
President Civil Servettes, impartial as the day is long.
Proud to be an American.
Proud to be an Asian American.
Provides personal growth, scholarship, travel!
Put it on.
Put your knees together.
Real nice, Becky. She's anorexic.
Really, Loretta?
Rebecca Ann Leeman!
Rebecca Ann Leeman!
Rebecca Ann Leeman.
Red nose and ears. I know, I know.
Relationships, dreams...
Relax. That's my ma's code...
Remember, figure eights, ladies.
Remove this.
Reporting live from the Food Shack for KRLH News.
Right by the airport!
Right here, we have a very attractive unit.
Right now our chief concern is to stabilize Annette here...
Roll him over!
Roll him over! Lay him flat!
Ruined a brand new pair of Lee Press Ons.
Said she doesn't look nothin' like the picture they gave you.
Sarah Rose knows you have an unusual talent.
Sarah Rose knows you're a beautiful person.
Sarah Rose knows you're a teenage girl.
Say, you boys been to the Leemans'?
Scary? Let me tell you scary.
See, that's my specialty.
See, this holds three full size booze bottles.
Seriously?
She all American girl.
She almost blew out of Loretta's pickup on the way over.
She always keeps her flame burning bright.
She always says that.
She ate a really large dinner.
She can't do anything by herself.
She can't do anything by herself.
She could be paralyzed from the neck down...
She got iced because she wins everything...
She had a big ass then, she's got a big ass now.
She lives two trailers down.
She our Teen American Princess.
She said he was so horny.
She said the heavy vibration helped her think.
She was the oldest living Lutheran.
She'd look up my dad and marry him.
She's alive, sweetie. She's right over there.
She's Annette's kid, dipshit.
She's gonna win.
She's happy?
She's in a hell of a mood today.
She's one of my father's many Mexican workers.
She's pregnant!
She's skinny, Amber, not deaf.
She's so happy.
She's the winner, and we're going to state.
Shit!
Shouldn't I at least get a chance to compete?
Showtime.
Shut it, Loretta.
Shut up, Hank. This here's business.
Shut up, you guys.
Simple, just say...
Since I found you
Since she was knee high to a pig's eye.
Since your other one got toasted.
So after Frank dusts the crops...
So any of you young ladies...
So everybody pay attention.
So have you decided what your talent is going to be...
So I can safely say that I am the mother...
So I'm thinking about...
So much
So that they can go off and make the toughest decision...
So we adopt Molly three year ago when we come to America...
So we should probably get the young girls in here, then.
So what do I say?
So which one of you will it be?
So you can practice for the pageant.
So you can't compete overrule that rule?
So you get your ass up there.
So you watch the Jell O salad, OK?
So you've judged a lot of pageants over the years?
So, anyways, my mom gave me this thirty aught...
So, are you about ready...
So, are you excited?
So, Becky, how does it feel?
So, beyond this pageant you must have certain dreams...
So, Brett, you want to go to the lake with me on Thursday?
So, Doctor, is this sort of an unusual injury?
So, has your mom kept your dad's life a secret?
So, here we are.
So, here, put a dab of this on the old choppers, ladies.
So, Molly, tell movie man what you talent do.
So, what was the theme of the pageant last year?
So, who gets the crown?
So, you know, Brett just got shot in the head.
So...
So...
Solid, but now you're going to have to actually dance.
Someone call nine one one.
Someone say something?
Something blows through my kitchen window...
Sometimes I dream of winning.
Sorry I couldn't talk to you before in the cafeteria.
Sorry. I just thought she might not want to meet her maker...
Soylent Green?
Soylent Green...
Speak English, you stupid little retard!
Spike, my German shepherd...
State board.
Stop by my house tonight, OK?
Stop it! Stop it!
Stop with the friggin' Marco Polo, or I'll come over there...
Suck in the bellies, girls!
Taiwan.
Take a memo, sweetheart.
Take it easy.
Take it, because I got my costume OK'd a month ago...
Take that stick out of your ass or I will!
Tammy Curry?
Tammy Curry...
Tammy was murdered.
Tammy was one crispy critter up on that thresher!
Tape cassette comes out of Afghanistan.
Tendu, close, pliÈ.
Tendu...
Tess blew chunks all over.
Tess Weinhaus.
Thank God for bungee cords.
Thank you, thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thanks.
That bitch from Wisconsin.
That goddamn sign, the lazy sons of bitches.
That I introduce to you contestant number six...
That I know I've been waiting for.
That light was meant for my head.
That little bitch better watch her back...
That my dad picked his career over us.
That should've been you in there!
That teenage beauty pageants are a good idea?
That the national didn't cough up a goddamn nickel...
That Walter and Vera Pularski started in 1920...
That you are ready for the ultimate in teen glamour.
That's Amber Atkins.
That's enough, young lady.
That's it.
That's our sound guy.
That's real nice.
That's really why you're asking, right?
That's right.
That's right.
That's the biggest crock of shit I ever heard.
That's true.
That's very nice.
That's what I'm looking at!
That's why no matter what I do, I aim to win.
That's why we Lutherans use g**** Kool Aid...
The Airport Howard Johnson!
The American Teen Princess Pageant!
The American Teen Princess Pageant...
The American Teen Princess Pageant...
The Atkins fire.
The beagle is known for its howl.
The Candy Man...
The Clemens said to make him look...
The communal wine just proves too tempting for some of them.
The doctor said I was really lucky the flat side hit me.
The family's steaming like a cow pie in July.
The first runner up is...
The German shepherd.
The girls are changing. I think you should leave.
The important thing is we have a winner!
The judges are just as nervous as you are.
The Minnesota Modeling Academy is proud to present...
The minute I could take my first step.
The new Minnesota American Teen Princess!
The next America's American Teen Princess...
The next time you drink window cleaner...
The one with the glass eye...
The only thing I wouldn't do different is have you.
The question on everyone's mind?
The rumors are true.
The same one you were in, but you know what?
The secret is... the hutch is included in the price.
The swan ate my baby!
The tard's pants are completely off.
The third one, the blond one.
The time has finally come...
The voice of an angel, that one.
The Washington Monument...
The whole thing's just kinda sad and lame at the same time.
The year... 2024.
Then it must be Wednesday.
Then we have the...
There are eight thousand sequins...
There we go.
There. Easy as pie.
There's a parking space over there.
There's some kind of emergency at the trailer park.
There's your paint can.
These culottes...
They all have one thing in common.
They are all proud to be an American.
They might say that a pageant...
They remade my belly with skin from my butt.
They take out her butt?
They think that it fell from a DC 10.
They told me to practice.
They won't be looking at your feet.
They're from Los Angeles.
They're making a movie here.
They're never going to let you perform naked. I asked.
They're wet.
Thirty million people aren't gonna wait for you...
This came for you, sweetie.
This is a hard time for me...
This is Amber Atkins...
This is bullshit!
This is exactly how I pictured it...
This is my lucky bolt.
This is my lucky bolt.
This is... What?
This one's for varsity soccer.
This pageant's like a Roach Motel.
This thing cost your dad a pretty penny...
This was a doozie.
This was written on the back:
Those were different times.
Thousands of seventeen year old girls like yourselves...
Thousands of seventeen year old girls like yourselves...
To "Don't Cry Out Loud" by Melissa Manchester?
To "New York, New York. "
To Amber Atkins and Becky Leeman.
To America, Dad.
To be
To be true
To compete for the title of American Teen Princess.
To die in the belly of a swan like that.
To get our mom a proper headstone...
To give a really good interview...
To help acclimate us to American.
To make you Mount Rose American Teen Princess.
To paint the whole damn thing.
To start the judging, start the interview there?
To the mat!
To touch
To touch
To turn those frowns upside down?
To warm the lonely night
Today, a beauty pageant turned ugly.
Today's "to do" list includes a trip to the Mall of America...
Topped the record charts...
Trust in me when I say
Uh huh. No, no. Gosh, no.
W e s t V i r g i n i a.
W y o m i n g.
Wait a minute.
Wait, wait, wait.
Wait.
Wait.
Was believed to be the cause.
Wave hi to her.
We are so darn close to that moment...
We determined that it must have been bad wiring.
We determined that the Curry girl...
We get a personal consultation with a makeup artist.
We got to go to state!
We got to... Get off of me, you cow!
We have all been waiting for.
We have excitement.
We need more bars.
We need that third judge. Gosh, don't let me forget...
We turn over to you this young woman...
We was robbed. We was robbed.
We were at war with the Japs.
We wouldn't have been late at all if not for you.
We'll be staying overnight at...
We're also the cofounders of the Minnesota Modeling Academy.
We're going to use the money...
We're here in the sixth hour of a shootout between...
We're real busy this time of year.
We've got kids in the audience.
Welcome back, everybody...
Well, God love you for thinking I still could.
Well, hunting's dangerous.
Well, I sat down to have a beer, and kablooey.
Well, I...
Well, I'm cutting out of here early today...
Well, it teaches you what's really important in life...
Well, it's the least I can do...
Well, maybe Friday then.
Well, Mom's dead, so shut your flytrap.
Well, my own version of it.
Well, OK.
Well, that makes me, Rebecca Leeman...
Well, then you'd better be willing to back it up...
Well, this cheap whore is that family's loving mother.
Well, yeah, Tammy liked to drive her dad's thresher...
Well, you know what, Dad?
Well, you know, I think everybody's doing really well...
Well, you know, we'll...
Well, you're supposed to put it in the...
Well...
Well...
Well...
Well...
Well...
West Virginia.
What a showdown this should be.
What a surprise.
What am I saying?
What are they doing, letting the retard count the votes?
What are you guys doing here?
What are you looking at, huh?
What is...
What kind of a mental retard...
What kind of tree would you be?
What makes you think that Becky's going to win?
What, they have a sale on dull needles at K Mart?
What?
What?
What?
What?
What? Oh, my God.
What's my problem? Sit your skinny little ass down.
What's sick is women dressing like men.
What's your problem?
When a peanut farmer was in the White House...
When I was in New York, I met Greg Louganis...
When I was seventeen... I don't know if you know this...
When I was visiting my brother Peter there.
When I'm outside these walls, I am Gladys Leeman...
When she started as a reporter in Louisville, her hometown.
When they raised and slaughtered their first pig.
When you realize that tomorrow night...
Where do they get this stuff?
Where each girl has a little ten minute get together...
Where I can practice my talent.
Where is it?
Where they change me twice a day.
Where we are going to be buying outfits...
Where we say good bye to the judges...
Where you can take an ugly old mountain...
Which in the beauty pageant biz means...
Which is now gone forever...
Which we call the American Teen Princess Pageant.
While every contestant...
While flying through the air like a goddamn lawn dart.
While he was setting coon traps for his dad.
While I sign...
While we haven't ruled out sabotage...
While you run to the john.
Who are you?
Who could ever forget her lip synching...
Who did so much to make our country super great...
Who is also the president of her class two years running...
Who would you pick to be the president, dead or alive?
Who'd like to start on that journey...
Whoo! Go, Muskies!
Why all the guys chew Copenhagen, you know?
Why do I think Becky'll win?
Why don't you hike up your skirt a little bit then, OK?
Why don't you just paint a target on your ass?
Why don't you see if there's any more beer...
Why? Well, it's kinda like asking...
Will be awarded to the first runner up.
Will somebody get a mop and a bucket?
Wisconsin.
With a scholarship of five hundred dollars...
With one of her blue ribbon rhubarb pies...
With the judges prior to the pageant.
With two weeks until the pageant...
Without my Saint Paul pork products.
Wonder how she's going to fix that one.
Would have to be Miss Teen America 1995...
Would you excuse us for a moment?
Would you say...
Wyoming.
Yeah, 1963.
Yeah, all my mom's clothes melted onto mine.
Yeah, all right.
Yeah, and they say smoking's bad for your health.
Yeah, I got dreams.
Yeah, I love to swim.
Yeah, it's just gone.
Yeah, she's damn near as good as...
Yeah, sure.
Yeah, sure.
Yeah, sure. It's my lucky number anyway.
Yeah, sure. You have a super day, too.
Yeah, the globe.
Yeah, we're ready.
Yeah, well, if they ask you to take your top off...
Yeah, well, no.
Yeah, why don't you take a picture?
Yeah, why don't you take a picture?
Yeah, you betcha.
Yeah. Darn good friends.
Yeah. Everyone says this is a big accident?
Yeah. I'll always remember what she wrote in the card.
Yeah. I'll be doing a dramatic monologue...
Yeah. I'll get 'em in a sec.
Yeah. Open it up.
Yeah. She's in the room next to my mom.
Yeah. Then we have the Judges Interview.
Yeah. Well, see...
Yeah. You bet I do.
Yep. And you can get your applications...
Yes, Leslie, OK.
Yes, yes, I am. Hello.
Yes!
Yesterday I got this picture...
You are a bad kid!
You are a good person.
You are the one that wanted this.
You ask me or anyone else who isn't scared to talk about it...
You bet.
You bet.
You betcha, Iris.
You better do something about those nerves, sweetie.
You bring me on some of that snotty attitude.
You can run, but you can't hide from the Lord.
You don't pay less, I give you more.
You don't think Becky saw you guys, do you?
You get nothing, Hank.
You go find the guy who cut 'em off.
You got some lutefisk in your hair.
You guys know the retard's pants are open?
You guys want a beer?
You guys want some shots? I'm buying.
You have a good chance to win this pageant?
You have to go home.
You hear me, Loretta?
You heard me. Where is it?
You just come right down here and sign up.
You just let me know because I happen to know the owner.
You know the baby sitter's dead.
You know what, girls?
You know what?
You know what? It's my daughter...
You know what? Peter's gay.
You know, a lot of girls make a smooth transition...
You know, I do a lot of business down there...
You know, I still don't want to be on camera.
You know, practically...
You know, seventeen years ago, I won the talent contest...
You know, sometimes...
You know, that little... that black fellow...
You know, to start the interviews.
You know, to start the interviews.
You listen to me now, missy.
You look good.
You look like a bunch of bowlegged cows.
You might as well be talking to the wall.
You need to put on your physical fitness outfit.
You never know who could have an embalming needle...
You piece of shit trailer trash!
You remember Bruce, right?
You rule, Leslie!
You rule!
You rule!
You rule!
You shut your goddamn mouth, you goddamn retard!
You two don't Jew me down too much on that dinette...
You want to look like you've been rode hard...
You won't be staying overnight.
You? You're not going through it again?
You'd be like heaven
You'd think they'd have the parking lot of America...
You'll make sure and cover up the hickeys on my neck?
You'll meet here tonight is special and unique...
You're cute.
You're holding up the line.
You're just too good
You're just too good
You're lucky as hell, so you might as well enjoy it.
You're not the one that knows how Jiffy Pop feels, missy.
You're signing up for the pageant.
You're talking about the richest family in a small town.
You're talking... Don't pinch.
You're welcome.
You've been talking to this guy long enough.
You've got about eight hours till showtime.
Your ma did want you to have this, though...
Your parents will kill you.
Your tummy, ass, and thighs...
All right. Fine.
Choreographer. The stars.
I hate her! We all do. Let's go.
I'm quitting the pageant. You're what?
Isn't that great? Oh, that's great.
Marco! Polo!
No. No idea.
Not our girl. Oh, no.
Oh, God. What?
OK, ladies! Girls, come on.
Open it. This?
Sammy Davis, Jr. Yeah, the Jew.
Shut it. It's true.
Thanks. You're welcome.
Third. Bye.
Yes, we do. OK.
You got her there? Yeah, I got her.
'cause I am making friends on the inside.
'cause it might be a hypnotic suggestion.
'cause it was in Vegas.
'cause my two favorite people in the whole world...
'cause of the scholarships and all.
'Cause otherwise it could have gone right through my head.
"Amer I Can!"
"I'm a winner.
"Jesus loves winners. "
"Most smartest. " Get a picture of that.
"Nobody can stop me but me. "
"Proud to be an American. "
"Take down the goddamn Freda sign...
"that can carry its house around with it.
"Through the Eyes of Love. "
"U.S.A. Is A OK!"
"Where the hell is my waiter?!"
"Who are you? Who are you?"
"Who are you?" Oh, Mary, you kill me.
"Who knows the last time it's been cleaned?"
"you lazy sons of bitches!"

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