Vamps (2012) Edit

A big meeting with all the local stems and ELFs.

A drug addict. Incarcerated.

A great great great great grandson.

A guy in the park drew this.

A little bit won't hurt.

A little older than you.

A little rodent can get the blood out of an entire cow

A new song comes on that Devo is much better.

A single drop is too much,

A stem is able to awaken the victims

A student visa so he can matriculate at UCLA.

A year or something?

Abolition now!

About how we announce our meetings.

Accidentally been harmed in delivery.

Actually, it's a good thing we ran into you.

Actually, it's a good thing we ran into you.

Adam Ant called. He wants his makeup back.

Adolf Hitler.

Adolf?

Adolf?

Advertisements, and the mindless brain vomit of acquaintances?

After all I've done for you,

After that, things started to go downhill.

After the grandchildren, it would've been hard

Ah, I see.

Ah, pfft. Baby.

Ahh!

All I saw was stuff about Hitler.

All right, all right. Settle down.

All right, any questions?

All right, Goody. Watch this.

All right, I know that was no Talladega Nights.

All right, let's go get this dried up bitch.

All right, maybe later.

All right, sit down, listen to me.

All right.

All right. G2G

All so you can have blogs and watch fake teenagers

All the offshoots die.

Am I gonna see you again?

An audit is just the IRS saying,

And 6th Avenue.

And a whole family is never enough.

And all the computers are helping them find you.

And all the day players always dress up so cute.

And all the hippies would be sitting on the stairs

And anyone who says cornball

And before that, it was a German newspaper.

And besides, I'll make a kick ass father.

And don't start with the shifts.

And get Public Enemy.

And Goody was arguing that I would be a good

And having a friend made her want to keep existing.

And having eternal life

And he said you'll be feeling better soon.

And he's so excited to be a dad.

And how it gave birth to Surrealism.

And how to find the jugular on a rodent.

And I also have it.

And I can never see how I look in them.

And I didn't put in rollers.

And I go, I told you I was coming here for my music.

And I gotta tell you something else.

And I haven't found a new place yet.

And I was an expert at being young.

And I was just thinking about the good of the country.

And I would've stayed with you for as long as possible.

And I'll tell you a secret.

And I'm in the one place no New Yorker ever goes.

And I'm tired.

And if you agree with them, then you say, Okay, how much?

And if you ever want to see Jon Stewart again,

And if your stem died, you start aging.

And in 1841, I was bitten by a stem vampire.

And in movies, they never got any older.

And in the '50s, it was a dance studio,

And in the 1950s,

And in the House of Representatives,

And it's all happening too fast

And it's gota tomb

And just have fun with your friends.

And light bulbs.

And lived to be 99.

And look at this pimpin' travel coffin he made me.

And no more stealing

And orphans did not fare well in those days.

And promise to let her only have animals?

And rats eat garbage,

And real housewives?

And remember, nice guys.

And see how she's doing.

And she got paint on the lens.

And she taught me about e mail,

And since I'm still in school, you probably think I'm, like, 20.

And still be in your coffin by sunrise.

And that's why I gotta get her movies that she really loves.

And the new subways let you travel the whole city

And the next you're gone.

And then came my favorite invention...

And then one night, I must've been pretty stoned,

And then you go someplace else.

And then you go someplace else.

And they always wind up in Union Square.

And they say okay, as long as I go to NYU.

And they think it's all about record deals,

And this looked suspicious so they opened it.

And wanted to give 'em a few bucks.

And we don't need blood to draw...

And we'll call in the heavy hitters.

And welcome to Sanguines Anonymous.

And what now? Are you jonesing? Do you have the hunger?

And when Cisserus is dead,

And when I was a day player, I was doing a lot of E.

And you did, didn't you?

And you didn't hit it off with Timmy Hitler?

And you pack this soil.

And you won't be sued for malpractice

And, aw, look how cute she is.

And...

Any chance of breaking up in the future?

Anybody else have something to share?

Architectural Digest time. Enjoy yourself.

Are her practical jokes,

Are you okay?

Are you really sure this isn't just Joey's rebelliousness?

Are you telling me about being young?

Are you visiting another page?

Aren't you gonna dance?

Argh.

As long as Cisserus takes care of herself.

Ask me questions. Who's the stupidest person on TV?

Ask the IT guy to remove the hard drive.

Audrey Hepburn. Same initials, though.

Aw, beautiful color.

Awesome. Do you want to join?

Ay, ay, ay, ay, ay.

Be more valuable than the life of a pigeon?

Be right back.

Because I also wrote one on World War I

Because I have something I'm really concerned about.

Because I thought you plugged them in.

Because we don't want to be around any of that.

Before you and I knew each other.

Being called the V word.

Being young and in love.

Besides, 200 is the new 80.

Besides, I am leaving town.

Besides, if I wanted to drink your blood,

Besides, it's goth night.

Besides, the streets are wet and my shoes are suede.

Besides, why would we hurt Ivan?

Bleh!

Boy, one century you're here

Bring the axes, hatchets, blades.

Buenas noches, chicas.

But a lot of weird stuff has been going down.

But apparently, if you're young enough...

But don't you need a search warrant?

But he was with MI 6 in London for quite a long time.

But his wife's sick so there's no even thinking about it.

But how great would it be if we both had relationships?

But I could have coffee or drinks.

But I got mad love for him.

But I know Cisserus was feeding on me,

But I know it would be so much more satisfying than this whole

But I'm almost 25.

But I've been wanting to tell you.

But I've really gotta go.

But it doesn't make calls.

But it just shows you can meet someone really nice.

But it's like drugs.

But it's so different now. They're so old fashioned.

But just because you overdid it one day,

But let's just have a good time.

But my mother's name was Goody. Did you know her?

But only because the evil guy has him under a spell.

But she hasn't voted since the '80s.

But she says that I saved her because she'd been so lonely,

But she won't listen.

But she's very sturdy.

But that's because nobody knew where she was.

But the government can enter your home any time they want

But this is just dirt.

But we saw each other every night.

But we're only good at modeling and light clerical work.

But when you became one of the student leaders,

But with Botox and laser resurfacing...

But you have to do something for me.

But you only have to go in if you wanna challenge them.

But your behavior makes it harder for everyone else.

But, miraculously, my children were fine.

But, what happens to you, then?

But, you know, just until school gets out.

But... I mean, this can't bother you.

Calm down.

Can I be under your spell?

Can I just say... ow!

Can I show you?

Can Time Warner just burst into a person's home and kill them?

Can we please just talk about this?

Can you make it?

Can you please just focus on symbolism?

Carry this with you at all times.

Change the hair,

Child of an American fiancée.

Cisserus.

Clothing model for her.

Come back here.

Come in. Dinner will be a few minutes.

Come on iChat. I wanna see you.

Come on, everybody. Let's go. We only have two hours.

Come on, just sign the petition.

Come on, let me out.

Come on, open up.

Come on! Come on! I don't believe this.

Come on.

Come to a meeting. We've got to figure this out.

Compensation.

Complete Sergeant Schultz.

Couldn't we just change the times of the appointments?

Country? It's just business.

Cradle of Filth, Ozzy Osbourne, The Cure...

Currently married to a US citizen.

Danny hates authority.

Deleted names in trash.

Did anyone in his building see anything?

Did she ever, uh, you know, like, mention me?

Did you recover the neck?

Did you say Grandpa?

Didn't that used to be a yogurt place?

Didn't you like your fish?

Diego Bardem.

Dinner's ready!

Do I look anything like this?

Do you have any idea

Do you have any idea what that's like?

Do you have any James Cagney posters?

Do you know where to get gasoline at 4:00 in the morning?

Do you plan to suck the life out of him?

Do you sense something gross?

Do you think he'll tell his father?

Do you think he'll tell the authorities?

Do you want him to think I'm 40?

Does Mr. Davidoff know you are coming?

Does she know how old you are?

Doesn't hear terrorist related stuff, they have to hang up.

Doesn't it drive you crazy

Doesn't mean you have to be bad all weekend.

Don't be sad. I was gonna go into the sun before I met you.

Don't give me any shit.

Don't go grandma on me.

Don't look at them and don't talk to them.

Don't look directly at it, honey.

Don't make any sense anymore.

Don't talk to them.

Don't tell me you lied about your age.

Don't trip. We'll talk to Tepish.

Don't you hate it when you sprout fangs,

Don't you just love these As seen on TV bags?

Don't you love Times Square?

Don't you point that. He's got a heart condition.

Don't you worry, hmm?

Dries.

Duck!

Ducking out right before they took a picture.

During the day and you don't want anyone to molest

E? I don't know what that is.

Eat me.

Enough already. I've had enough.

Enough! Stop it, both of you.

Especially...

Even in the 1840s, people were pamphleteering for abolition.

Even the tiniest bit and I blow up

Even though I've never had human blood,

Even though it's not as good as the '80s.

Every A lister in New York will be there.

Everybody call on your stems

Everybody's getting audited.

Everything else might just piss her off.

Everything in their computers.

Exceedingly white.

Except for this schmo hawk.

Excuse me?

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Extended Life Form, yes.

Fed on or infected the rest of the people,

Feeling like you're a part of something that really mattered.

Fine.

Finish him off, will ya?

First you kill my game with Juicy girl.

Fix the nose.

For 362 years.

For an adjustment of status.

For Vlad Tepish and his doofus peasants?

For who?

Forget cell phones, forget iPhones,

Forget it.

Forget PowerBooks, forget iPads.

Four doctors. One in Doctors Without Borders.

From the Dutch West India Company

From the tri state area.

From their system. We could delete and change

From what I understand, you can't be forced out

Fuck. Come on!

G2G.

Garlic?

Gaultier, Prada.

Gave me extra years with my loved ones.

Germany? Evil spell?

Get dressed go out and have sex routine.

Get up and give me the money now.

Gibson Girl shirts were the prettiest.

Girls of a certain age couldn't afford something like this.

Give it some juice.

Go Bruins.

God, just when things were going so well.

God, the place no New Yorker ever goes.

Good evening. My name is Harry,

Goody Rutherford? Is that your mother?

Goody, I don't think I can do anything like that again.

Goody, you have not aged a day.

Goody. Goody.

Goofy but cute.

Got to go.

Great.

Green Day.

Green eyes,

Groucho was the mustache guy.

Guess where I went? Cappuccino.

Guys that compliment you.

Guys that listen when you say stuff.

Half an hour later you're hungry again.

Half the time, I don't even know what they're talking about.

Hands in the air. Hands in the air. Give me the money.

Has it ever been like that for your before?

Have a nice day.

Have you seen Ivan?

He hasn't answered any of my summonses.

He impaled them.

He was granted asylum in, um...

He's a CPA so he can help with the IRS stuff.

He's got more paranoid

He's not answering my texts, my tweets, my e mails,

He's not strong enough to ignore you.

Hell no, we won't go!

Hell no, we won't go!

Hell no, we won't go.

Hell no...

Hello, my name is Goody,

Here we are.

Here you go. Here's your family tree.

Here's the itinerary.

Hey, Arnold instead of Happy Days.

Hey, can I have a fortune cookie, at least?

Hey, I know him.

Hey, I saw that.

Hey, if we find a subway map and explosives, we'll call you.

Hey, Juicy. Where are you going?

Hey, people can see you.

Hey, so do you know where we're going?

Hey, Stacy. Your friend from Boston

Hey, where are you going?

Hey, would you like to have lunch with me sometime?

Hey, you know what?

Hey, you ready?

Hey.

Hi, everyone.

Hi, honey. Hi, honey.

Hi, I under... listen. I have to talk to you.

Hi, Rita.

Hi, Vlad Tepish.

High tide, sunrise and sunset, and... good Lord!

His armor is in the museum in Bucharest.

Hmm?

Hmm? You want a rail?

Hmm.

Hmm.

Hmm. That's weird.

Hmm. Wonder who that could be.

Hold it up. Hold it up.

Hold on, hold on.

Hold on, I gotta play you something.

Hold on.

Holy shit.

How about one of those pretzel things?

How about this? You go, and if it's great, text us.

How could this happen?

How could you?

How do I know you wrote this for me?

How do we even stay in touch with each other?

How do you feel about not being young anymore?

How do you know all this stuff?

How do you know this stuff?

How do you know this?

How do you know you're not just annoying them?

How do you like them apples?

How do you mean?

How is it possible?

How is what possible?

How long I have been young?

How many of you have gotten subpoenas?

How many points of view can there be on the subject

How much? How much do we love cannoli?

How old are you?

How to use hypnotic powers,

How will we do anything?

How would you ladies like to be my wives?

How you doin? My name is Danny.

How you doing in there?

Hungry.

Hurry, I've got an 8:00 class.

I am a psy vampire.

I am just wondering,

I am so much more bomb ass than his girlfriend.

I am Vadim. This is Ivan.

I am very disappointed in you.

I am Vlad Tepish.

I barely slept.

I believe they really are in love.

I can be very bad.

I can take care of myself.

I can't believe I met you, though.

I can't but he can.

I can't decide for the both of us.

I can't. But I'll call you later.

I could graduate if it wasn't during the day.

I could hypnotize you,

I could relate.

I could so easily hate myself.

I did. I really did.

I didn't drink that man's blood.

I didn't know you had company.

I don't blame you.

I don't drink human blood.

I don't even have a driver's license.

I don't know what you're talking about.

I don't like it.

I don't wanna be here.

I don't want you to eat this. Look at this.

I don't... I don't have iChat.

I feel like a bunch of TVs threw up.

I figured they wouldn't make you sick.

I forgot how nice it felt seeing someone you love all the time.

I got my friends, I got my alerts, I got...

I got my tweets, I got my e mails,

I gotta get out of here.

I guess I totally can tell, but it's...

I guess things didn't work out with Diego.

I hardly have any left. My back has been killing me.

I hate it when my parents are right.

I have never harmed a human being or a domestic animal

I haven't felt this way about anyone since Al Jolson.

I just had what came out. It wasn't even flowing.

I just made this last week.

I know nothing!

I know, you're so right.

I know.

I let my guard down

I like bad guys.

I love having a friend,

I mean, guys used to want to sing

I mean, he was an amazingly dynamic performer.

I mean, how can you hurt something named Snuggles?

I mean, I know who he is.

I mean, they consider him a hero.

I mean, they make everybody look horrible.

I mean, wouldn't it be so cool...

I met someone at school.

I need some coffee, man. For energy.

I need to see my wife's chart.

I never thought about it.

I said kill him.

I saved my kids.

I saw a picture of Keira Knightley in one.

I see we have a newcomer.

I see you met Vadim. You know he's my stem.

I should've known.

I shouldn't be dumping all this on you.

I still feel tempted.

I survived a feeding and begged her to turn me.

I take back everything bad I ever said about computers.

I taught her to get hometown soil for her coffin,

I think I can sense a real vampire.

I think the artificial sweeteners gave him cancer.

I think the Post Office x rays everything now,

I think.

I thought all victims turned into vampires or died.

I thought as long as you stayed out of the sun, you're okay.

I thought we were going out.

I thought, This is his time.

I told them not to bring you any... look at this.

I trust you to give yourself the better grade.

I used to write things down.

I want this to be real.

I want to be in the center of things.

I was dating for 25 years

I was going through these looking for your mother.

I was not bad looking back then, huh?

I wasn't really paying attention. That girl, she seemed pretty dark.

I went back to their surveillance cameras.

I wonder what Joey's parents think about me.

I'd like to start by asking,

I'll get my coat.

I'll just get our things.

I'll tell you what that whole impaling routine was.

I'm a CPA.

I'm able to feed off other people's auras.

I'm enjoying my dinner a great deal.

I'm flummoxed.

I'm from Time Warner,

I'm glad you're interested. Are you a registered voter?

I'm gonna be so tan.

I'm gonna be so tan.

I'm gonna go to his class so he has to confront me.

I'm gonna have coffin hair tomorrow.

I'm gonna nick your passport.

I'm just happy around him.

I'm just sick and tired of it all.

I'm like, You got me. You could've just gotten me

I'm over 40. How many more chances am I gonna get?

I'm pregnant!

I'm sick of these clip joints.

I'm so depressed.

I'm so tired. I was IM'ing all day.

I'm starting to get an idea.

I'm such an idiot.

I'm sure by now you've all heard about David's

I'm sure it's a coincidence. It's a common name.

I'm sure that you've heard about what I did

I'm tired.

I'm with the ACLU.

I've been around long enough.

I've been helping my dad with this project for a few years,

I've been in my 20s for two decades,

I've been looking for you, you lifeless bitch.

I've got over 10,000 credits.

I've got some news for you, Grandpa.

I've never heard of anyone turning back.

I've never seen anything like that in my...

I've never seen him in anything.

I've never seen real dead people.

I've seen it all before.

If a weird stunt like that stops

If every infected person

If I can never enjoy it?

If she's one of them, we'll know.

If someone you suspect of being a vampire dies,

If the only thing they want to bond with

If there's anything you wanna talk about...

If we had face time, we could use hypnotism.

If you do it now.

If you want it, you have to turn back.

In 1840, there was an epidemic of cholera

In a few minutes because of this enzyme in their saliva.

In lower Manhattan.

In the '70s, I kinda lost interest in dating.

In the 1920s, things really turned modern.

In the 1960s, I messed up.

In the forest, you're plugging things in?

Instead of spraying toxic crap everywhere?

Iong before Christ was even born.

Is at least 80 years old.

Is Grant's Tomb in New York?

Is it the blood, then?

Is it too frightening?

Is that all your cell phones and your iPhones

Is that the sweater Tepish knit you?

Is that what you're telling me?

Is their little glowing boxes?

Is there anything you want?

Isn't it more like type us a letter on the computer?

Isn't this place a little Mickey Mouse for you?

Isn't your wife worried about

It bothers me if you're hurting yourself.

It didn't seem right to rob you of the chance

It doesn't mean they drink blood.

It doesn't work that way.

It feels like the center of the world.

It is not just the rain in Spain.

It might.

It says this guy's a comic? He's not even funny.

It seemed to comfort her thinking we were the same age.

It takes just as long to say letters.

It was a painful and degrading death.

It was the lesser of two infections.

It was... it was our stem, Cisserus.

It's a boater.

It's a completely safe blood thinner.

It's a private jet.

It's an entirely different world.

It's been so long.

It's CPA.

It's just when I get up.

It's like the history of fashion.

It's like, I don't know. I always thought you'd be

It's more satisfying to not hurt anybody

It's nothing. I'm fine.

It's okay.

It's okay.

It's pronounced Tee pees.

It's Vlad Tepish.

Ivan, call Mr. Pizza Guy.

Jeans mark your age more than a birth certificate.

Jesus.

Joey had to go. His dad is bugging out.

Just because somebody stays up late, doesn't go to bed before 3:00...

Just because they're a little peaky,

Just how old was she when she was awakened?

Just keep it with you.

Killed, bled out someplace else,

Kinda can't sit here unless we order a $400 bottle.

Laugh hysterically.

Let me give you the tour.

Let me see. Open.

Let's get some light in here.

Let's go save yours.

Let's go to SoHo House.

Let's go to that club. Blood Bank.

Let's go.

Let's go.

Let's just invite your little friend to supper.

Let's just say eating lawyers is out of the question.

Like a Thanksgiving Day balloon.

Like maybe you were sick or something.

Like, dead dead.

Like, if Cisserus dies?

Listen to me.

Listen, Stacy. There's something I have to tell you.

Look at the new fall line.

Look at these.

Look how much soil it can fit.

Look what I got you.

Look, it's a little early in the relationship to get into this,

Look, it's your garden variety John Doe.

Look, they want you to come for dinner on Friday.

Look. Only a couple stations, but they had Groucho Marx.

Love you.

Ma, we'll take dessert later. The movie starts at 9:30.

Madam, you've insultingly confused us with the police.

Man, the terrorists ruined things for everybody.

Maybe she wasn't a homicidal maniac.

Maybe trouble with Stacy, or...

Maybe you're pregnant, too!

Me either.

Me? I don't think so.

Mister, my name is Susan.

Mm hmm. It would be impolite not to wear it.

Mm, I never stopped loving him.

Mm.

Mm.

Mm.

Mm. Feel better?

Mm. You get tired of that.

Mmm. Let's check the traps.

Mmm. Let's check the traps.

Mojitos.

Mom, look! I've never seen it before.

Morning, Sunshine.

Mott Street.

Mott Street. Oh!

Mr. Davidoff is aware

Must've been pretty crazy to see your old boyfriend like that, huh?

My father is an expert on vampirism.

My father thinks that if he gives us garlic breath,

My God.

My husband and sisters had all passed.

My name is Danny Horowitz.

My son lived to the ripe old age of 63.

My voicemail, my Facebook messages...

My way.

Napster, and this great group,

Need I remind you that I gave you

Nice guys.

Night, of course.

Nighttime used to be dull and dark,

No more than any other girlfriend.

No one will ever find my lair.

No thanks. I'm already in the mood.

No, he wouldn't do that. What about Danny?

No, I could go around seven years

No, I don't want to eat more broccoli. I want to be undead.

No, I'm sorry...

No, I'm... I'm more of a night person.

No, it's simply that she's not like us.

No, no, no.

No, that wasn't who I was thinking of.

No, that's not Groucho.

No, that's what he'd ask when he felt bad

No, the clown was so...

No, uh, James Cagney.

No, why? That wouldn't make any difference.

No, you didn't.

No, you like nice guys.

No, you start aging, but not like the day players.

No.

No.

No.

No.

No.

No.

No.

No. Have you ever seen a vampire bat?

No. If anything, I would've stayed away.

No. You guys, we have to get her into the tomb.

Nobody talks.

Normal for Stacy.

Normally, this would be one of those tales

Not a fan of garlic?

Not in front of the day players.

Not knowing what you look like?

Not me. I have a guy.

Not mine.

Not since the '80s.

Not to be indelicate, but I had digestive rumblings

Not to mention the slang, BTW.

Now I can do everything I want

Now instead of tortures, they're using computers.

Now Ivan is missing.

Now what was Dalí trying to do in this?

Now, I know you think I'm crazy,

Now, it's like iPod hits and webisodes.

Now, wait a minute. Can you keep her alive?

Now, you must try our soup.

Of course, Cisserus would want a monument.

Of course, in the '60s, there was always a Vietnam demonstration.

Of course, yeah.

Of gore and homicidal urges,

Of impaling people and drinking their blood?

Oh, are you okay?

Oh, but they're so cute.

Oh, come on.

Oh, come on. Awaken me. I wanna live forever.

Oh, come on. Those clothes are wearing you.

Oh, dead one.

Oh, dead one.

Oh, don't be so dramatic.

Oh, don't start with me.

Oh, for fuck's sake. She's undead!

Oh, for goodness' sake.

Oh, God.

Oh, God. Where are you going?

Oh, great.

Oh, I can tell everyone that on my almanac.

Oh, I can't believe this. I'm pregnant?

Oh, I just can't stop eating.

Oh, I know. But did you see the girl

Oh, I like this song.

Oh, I saw him after work

Oh, I'll be there.

Oh, isn't it insane?

Oh, it'll die in a minute.

Oh, it's a good thing we're here because there's gonna be

Oh, James Cameron?

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. He's gonna expect you to be like 40.

Oh, my God. We did it.

Oh, my God. You're probably right.

Oh, no, it's not the garlic. It's the salt.

Oh, no, no, no. This doesn't have

Oh, no, thank you, Mrs. Van Helsing.

Oh, no. It's one of those daytime festival things.

Oh, show Goody.

Oh, so it's a purely textual relationship?

Oh, so many women.

Oh, so you didn't go after me 'cause I'm a Van Helsing?

Oh, thank God.

Oh, that's a whole other ball game.

Oh, the 1880s, that is.

Oh, trap got him?

Oh, we haven't done it yet.

Oh, well, maybe your genes just aren't as good.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, you do?

Oh, you're the Soviet stem.

Oh, you're the Soviet stem.

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh.

Oh.

Oh. I l I'm sorry.

Oh. I voted once.

Oh. You just spit into him.

Oh... oh, God.

Okay, close it.

Okay, great.

Okay, here's the flaw in that argument.

Okay, now open.

Okay, okay. We're coming.

Okay, people.

Okay, she sort of has your structure.

Okay, then I'll meet you at work.

Okay, this is Germany before World War II.

Okay, this is Ghuri.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay. I just don't appreciate

Okay. Tomorrow night.

On Freud and his influence on surrealist imagery?

Only a stem can turn someone.

Only the handsomest, most talented man in the world.

Only use the silver bullets.

Only use them on what? Stacy?

Ooh, where?

Or bestie, as she calls it.

Or better still, you could be under my spell.

Or my great grandfather.

Or paint or write.

Or people from the Republican convention?

Our credit cards are through a third party.

Over a year. We never lived together,

Part's white and then the other part's dingy?

People always said it looked spiffy on me.

People from your barbershop quartet

People on the street recognized you.

Personally, I like knitting.

Phones on the ground now. Drop 'em!

Phones on the ground.

Pizza guy.

Pizza guy.

Please call me tomorrow.

Plus, it's fur. It's like wearing a dead animal.

Plus, we'll have a baby.

Pro Tools and I'd be happy. Law school is your dream,

Psy vampires are a true vampiric subset, okay?

Put the deleted names in the trash.

Quit futzing. We have to go.

Really?

Remember, we said that we'd keep up with the times

Right now I'm in the middle of this deportation case

Right now on 10th. What do you say?

Robust?

Run! Get out of here!

Running around to clubs and dating idiots?

Sanguine's doctor?

See what's going down now

Sent your hometown soil.

Shall we make something else for you?

Shall we?

She had this habit of just

She just means that, with the recession and all,

She left him 10 minutes ago. The sex must be great.

She liked this, huh? Well, why not?

She looks like you.

She saved it?

She was kind of lost and I took care of her.

She's a monster.

She's gonna louse it up for all of us.

She's lasted hundreds of years.

She's not sick. She's pregnant.

She's on a trip and what she don't know won't hurt her.

She's rather pale.

Shit. I used to go out with him

Shorter chin,

Show him how much fun you're having.

Since he saw the footage from the hospital.

Sir, may I proffer you a pamphlet?

Sir... sir, may I proffer you a pamphlet?

Skirts got shorter,

Slavery will tear our country apart!

So annoying.

So as the day progresses, you can read

So did your kids survive?

So gay.

So get away from my crime scene, huh?

So I learned to live on animal blood.

So I tell my parents I'm coming to the city for my music.

So I urge you not to use any of your electronic devices.

So if you're reading a book and you turn the page,

So is he, um, some kind of spy?

So my father decided to give me this.

So now they're all, What about law school?

So now you trust me, huh?

So people can only be around you for, like, what...

So put them on and then I will just imagine

So recklessly, they're gonna find you.

So she can have a baby?

So they're, Then why did we spend $100,000, Derek?

So we have lots of fun.

So what are you saying? You broke up with me 'cause

So what did you think of Stacy?

So what does a dirty boy like you do for a living?

So what is it?

So what? Just ignore him.

So you don't like her because of the color of her skin?

So, if the city has too much garbage,

So, you fold these carefully,

So, you know, when she dozes off,

Someone sounds hormonal.

Someone told me that if a stem dies,

Something must have happened.

Sorry.

Spain? What's in Spain?

Stacy Daimer is unable to perform jury duty obligations.

Stacy got called in for jury duty,

Stacy is sick.

Stacy turned in 1992.

Stacy will be a normal girl.

Stacy will be just fine in about a week.

Stacy, don't take a nap.

Stacy, I kinda did something bad.

Stay still.

Staying young is getting old.

Stop it.

Sunrise is at 6:40.

Support your fellow ELFs.

Sure you don't want anything to drink?

Sure.

Sure.

Take a cab. What are you, walking?

Telephones replaced letters,

Tepish, is there anything like a...

Tepish, would you like to start off tonight?

Tepish, you're a stem, aren't you?

Than the old crap, which is incompatible with the new crap,

Than the other kids, too.

Thank you for dinner.

Thank you, Harry.

Thank you, thank you. Thank you.

Thank you!

Thank you.

That doesn't actually do anything better

That happened to me.

That looks just like your phone.

That took about a century off my life.

That was way too close.

That we have day players among us.

That's because Keira Knightley's in a movie.

That's ecstasy.

That's enough. It doesn't take that long.

That's impossible. We don't get sick.

That's it?

That's right.

That's true.

That's Van Helsing. Let him through.

That's what I thought, but every night when we get up, she vomits.

The bite was from your cat.

The Cagney one.

The community is being persecuted.

The entire Ottoman Empire from taking over Europe.

The entire population would've eaten itself off the planet

The Excessively '80s Countdown.

The execution of the Rosenbergs.

The first one to have a baby. Is that weird?

The Industrial Revolution gave us electricity

The limping doctor or the flying French fry.

The Mammy guy?

The neighbor said the cable company was there.

The only bad thing about Stacy

The past few minutes, you remember nothing.

The sleepwalker keeps murdering people,

The world belonged to the young,

The world changes, we have to adapt.

Then you should try eating more broccoli.

There is Donor Club in Chinatown.

There they are.

There's been a lot of persecution of the community.

These violent old ways

They choose not to drain.

They get beheaded.

They hacked it up and dumped it here.

They notified us about a patient having seizures

They said 20 minutes or less.

They use this for breast implants in the other wing.

They're having the book launch party for The Situation

They're not like vermin. They could be somebody's pets. Hi!

They're trying to force us out into the sun.

Things keep changing around here.

This baby won't survive in your condition.

This guy just seemed to fly from a cab to the front door.

This is an amazing event.

This is disgusting!

This is file number 318.

This is how you pay me back?

This is my granddaughter, Sarah.

This Vlad Tepish.

This was my college interview outfit.

Those are useless on a stem.

Those needed gunpowder!

Thousands of people protested to stop

Thousands of unsolicited messages,

To have rock concerts during the day?

To look out for them.

To look your age.

To stay in their lives and not scare them.

To the slave trade.

To the Turkish army, huh?

Tonight, we're meeting under sad circumstances.

Too bad that wasn't the exact time of our summons.

Too frightening.

Total eclipse of the sun in two weeks.

Trade shoes. At least my gladiators

Tragic Daylight Savings accident.

Two professors, four teachers,

Ugh, rats will eat anything.

Uh, I think we saw him last week.

Uh, yeah, hi. I'm Rita.

Uh, you guys, um...

Uh...

Um, actually I'm a little bit older

Um, his name is Joey...

Um, I've got an early class.

Um, no, what I meant was I work during the day

Um, that only works if you're leaving.

Um, The History Channel.

Unable to perform jury duty obligations.

Undead is not unfeeling.

Under Sky Watch, it's got phases of the moon,

Unless she turns back.

Unprecedented at the time.

Upper West Side, paranoid, ghoul chasing...

Vadim and Ivan are bad guys.

Vampire? That word is so cornball.

Van Helsing.

Very funny.

Visit us at www...

Visiting is when you go somewhere.

Vlad the Impaler?

Wait till you see the one he's making you.

Wait, I don't remember seeing empty chairs.

Wait.

Wait... what are we gonna do about the body?

Waiting for their medicine.

Was all coked up and his nose started bleeding.

We all gotta work together, folks.

We don't feed off of people.

We don't have to get the iPad Minis.

We don't need the high highs.

We just got back. This is Stacy.

We need you to come to a Sanguines Anonymous meeting.

We never call on her.

We party with normal kids, we go to college.

We really gotta be more careful

We set them free.

We think you should pay more taxes.

We'd just wind up doing more work for Cisserus.

We'd just wind up doing more work for Cisserus.

We'll be here between 7:00 a.m. and 12:00 p.m.

We're happy here.

We're paid in cash. We don't do taxes.

We're sorry but your package has

We're talking infinity.

Well excuse me for being overly vigilant.

Well, ditch it and come back to bed.

Well, four.

Well, great. Well, how old are you?

Well, he works for Homeland Security now,

Well, I actually have to get to my job.

Well, I didn't drink, smoke, do drugs, or sunbathe.

Well, I don't go to those places much, either.

Well, I guess that sort of depends on your point of view.

Well, I never go to those places, so...

Well, I thought if the government

Well, I've never known anyone firsthand.

Well, I've never seen Stacy like this before.

Well, if I didn't, he would have had a lot of brain damage.

Well, in the '70s, it was a methadone clinic

Well, it's just those environmental light bulbs.

Well, it's mostly stuff from my grandfather

Well, LASIK has come a long way.

Well, not many elderly people had strong young mothers

Well, she was superstitious.

Well, thank you for that wonderful insight, Mr. Van Helsing.

Well, then awaken me.

Well, then what is it? Is it the day thing?

Well, we're going to group tomorrow. That always helps.

Well, you chicas will just have to fill in.

Well, you don't have to go.

Well, you know, pale, fair skin.

Well...

Were people really that stupid?

Were you trying for a football scholarship?

Wh... then take me.

What a lucky break.

What about you and Danny?

What about...

What am I, a lumberjack?

What an amazing time this was.

What are we even talking about? We can't kill Cisserus.

What are you doing?

What are you gonna make me do?

What are you talking about?

What are you wearing?

What are your intentions with my son?

What did I do wrong?

What did you do?

What did your parents say about me?

What did your parents say?

What do you mean pale?

What do you mean?

What does that remind you of?

What footage?

What is all this stuff?

What is she doing back so soon?

What is that, a pizza carrier?

What is the point of looking like this

What is your problem?

What kind of mood is she in?

What the fuck is that?

What you can't do with things that are less harmful.

What your mother means is she's...

What?

What?

What? Stuck up McVainypants is here.

What? No! No pictures.

What? Nobody cares.

What? She looked at me. I wasn't doing anything.

What? What is it?

What? You asked me to get a chainsaw.

What? You asked me to get a chainsaw.

What's he thinking?

What's on?

What's with the mom jeans?

When a problem comes along, like hunger, you must whip it.

When did my ass get so flat?

When did you awaken?

When I see 'em, I'll know it.

When it comes to drinking human blood,

When my ex and I broke up, I was traveling

When she wants us, she summons us.

When you eat Chinese.

Where are my offshoots?

Where were you?

Where you are so late?

Which part...

Which she thinks are way funnier than they actually are.

Who had a double puncture wound. When I asked who checked him in,

Who left with Joey? Is she one of them?

Who ordered the double cheese and sausage?

Who the hell names their kid Goody anymore?

Who treats their stem like this?

Who?

Who's that old hippie talking to Fred?

Who's the smartest?

Whose idiot idea was it

Why can't kids say entire words?

Why didn't he like me?

Why didn't I look for surveillance cameras?

Why didn't you get it where you got the saw?

Why do not we just eat the lawyers?

Why do people bother going out

Why do they call it visiting?

Why don't we just get rats to eat the garbage

Why not?

Why should the life of a mink

Will get you in the right millennium.

With abuses of wiretapping. It's unbearable.

With my iPad Mini.

Without them expecting me to look older.

Would be nice not to have to fake all the references.

Would I have written you this 10 page report

Would you change your schedule and stay up later

Wow, I totally forgot what it was like.

Wow.

Wow. You look...

Yay!

Yay.

Yeah, 'cause you'd love that.

Yeah, a cigar and glasses.

Yeah, because I've always hated garlic.

Yeah, but my roommate was spray painting

Yeah, but you know Homeland Security.

Yeah, he had glasses and a cigar.

Yeah, I can't lose her.

Yeah, I'd say.

Yeah, if it wasn't for him, we'd all be speaking Ottomanese.

Yeah, like James Bond but shorter.

Yeah, right.

Yeah, stop imagining crazy ideas.

Yeah, that's okay.

Yeah, they're terrible.

Yeah, you do. It's built in.

Yeah, you're at one place on the Internet,

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. Teensy weensy little condoms.

Yeah. We could get you completely eliminated

Yes, but she passed away.

Yes, Professor Quincy.

Yes, the Mammy guy.

Yes.

Yes.

You absolutely do.

You all right?

You all right? How do you feel?

You are gonna take this couple to the hospital.

You are so intolerant.

You are undead. You're alive.

You are?

You asshole.

You bad girls.

You become your chronological age.

You better put yours in plastic.

You call this bled out? It's bone dry.

You can go hiking with and go to the beach?

You can have whoever you want.

You could have your choice of any woman out there.

You crazy. We can't eat all the lawyers.

You didn't do anything wrong.

You don't ask a lady her age.

You don't have any pictures from your early years?

You don't hear me complaining every time

You don't need the almanac.

You don't? That guy, what was that?

You guys are so useless.

You guys, take CPR courses.

You have a glob.

You have a very strong will, Dr. Van Helsing.

You have no idea because you never saw him live.

You have to decide something independent of me or Joey.

You have to keep learning to use new crap

You just got some new clients.

You kept me waiting, you bad boy.

You know him?

You know how it is

You know I would never hurt you, right?

You know what happens to bad boys.

You know what I'm saying?

You know what? I'm sorry. No, no, no, no.

You know what? We never should've named them.

You know, Angela is really in and out.

You know, I absorb their energy.

You know, I can see why

You know, I put that app in your phone.

You know, I've asked about four times in the past hour.

You know, Made it, Ma! Top of the world!

You know, she won't miss anything, really.

You know, the only surefire way is to behead her.

You know, Vlad the Impaler.

You look the same as you always did.

You mean get rats to put on condoms?

You mean wealthy, over educated,

You must mean the girls from the graveyard shift.

You place this over their neck before they're buried

You prefer ELF?

You really can't kill.

You said for a little more time, you'd do anything.

You think this has something to do with Ivan's disappearance?

You two drink pigeons every day.

You want a baby?

You want?

You wanted to become a vampire?

You were sick yesterday, too.

You will do what my accountant says.

You won't get any older, will you?

You wouldn't drink my blood? Is that what you're telling me?

You wouldn't want

You youngsters have to learn how to substitute

You'll be up all day.

You'll split $25 between you. Are you ready?

You're a dentist?

You're an accountant. Do the math.

You're just pregnant.

You're pathetic.

You're welcome.

You've aged 20 years?

You've got... you've got something.

Your eyes remind me of somebody.

Your future father in law.

Your living descendants.

Your resting places.

Your years will accrue.

Yuppa, yuppa.

2:10 to 3:40.

53rd Street and 6th Avenue.

53rd Street.

53rd Street.

53rd Street.

1583.

1841.

1841.

1960s skirts are great on short women.

1970s shoes make you tall but are comfortable.

Ah.

All right. Not literally.

And I forbid you to see her!

And print.

And since you're like 17...

Are you mad at me?

Are you near your computer? Yeah.

Ashwan from Kush. Hi, Ashwan.

Behead you? Ha ha.

But now that it's happening... Listen.

But we have to get to work. Hey.

Can I buy you ladies a drink? We never drink...

Can I help? Uh, no.

Come on, come on!

Come on, we deserve it. Taxi!

Detective.

devoid of warm blood... ...and fly around town like a bat!

Did you feel her hands? Freezing.

Did you get that? Got it.

Did you mean it? Of course, but what can I do?

Do you know him? No, I don't know him.

Do you mind if I smoke? Yes.

Don't go away. Huh? What?

Don't worry about it. Bottle service.

Drop waists are coming back. Yeah, says who?

Dukakis? It was before I turned.

Empty the trash. Empty the trash.

Fred Astaire? No.

Get back. Watch out, Kenny!

Go, go, go! Excuse us, coming through!

Good morning. Morning.

Goody, wake up. It's sunset.

Goody!

Guys, guys, guys!

Ha, look at you! I know.

He really captured you. Oh.

He'd never. How do you know?

He's having a heart attack. No, no, no, lady.

Here? A little higher.

Here? Other side.

Hey, Goody.

Hey, Renfield! Where are you guys?

Hey, Renfield. Hey, how are you?

Hey, Renfield. Come on in. Hey. How are you, Goody?

Hey.

Hey.

Hey. Hey, Renfield.

Hey. We're gonna go. BRB.

Hi, Danny. And I'm from the ACLU.

Hi, Stacy. Oh, pleasure.

How am I gonna find out? I don't know.

How do you do? Hi.

How many? A bicycle.

Hurry! Hurry.

Hurry. Go, go! Whoops!

I have this one. You do? Really?

I have to go. I'll see you out.

I know you can sense

I know. Hi.

I remember. Yeah, but I don't remember.

I saw nothing! Now cut it out.

I wanna help you. You want to help me?

I'm not very good, no. Yes, you are.

I'm pregnant? We're gonna have a baby.

I'm sure. Well, I'm not.

I'm tired. Oh, shit.

I've seen worse. Has she finished feeding?

In fact, I'll just delete them. Just delete them.

Iris recognition. So, what does your dad do?

It's disgusting. I know.

It's good, right? I think it's totally working.

It's Renfield.

It's up to you. Yeah.

Jack Lemmon? No.

Jeans are jeans. Are you kidding?

Joey. Oh.

My father tried to warn me. Against what?

Nice here. Isn't it?

Nice to meet you. Uh, yeah.

No way. You don't have to join,

No. No.

No. Okay.

Not exactly alive. But not dead?

Not really. Oh, man.

Oh, Juicy. She is asking for it.

Oh, no! No!

Oh, no. I just licked a drop.

Oh, sucks hard. Not so nice.

Oh, there's Renfield. Hey.

Oh, yeah. Like in a datebook. Right.

Oh!

Oh. You work for the government?

Oh. SL. What?

Okay, 53rd Street.

Okay. Okay.

Ooh.

Ooh.

Or Mr. Doodles? Do you remember...

Paul Newman. Oh, the salad dressing guy?

Penthouse suite.

Problems at work, no doubt.

Pure pharmaceutical grade.

Rats breed too quickly. So?

Really? Yeah.

Right on. Huh?

See you later.

She's insane. Oh, tell me about it.

Shit, come on! Oh!

Show me again. Yeah, here.

Shut up! Oh, my God!

So long? Close enough.

So, is this your place? It's my parents' place.

So... Pfft.

Something bothering you? What?

Stacy got attached. To pigeons?

Ta! Yeah.

Tell them we're coming. Mm hmm.

Thank you. You're welcome.

Thanks. Good meeting, people.

That doesn't make any sense. Yes, it does.

That's it. What?

the best years of my life? Best years of my life.

The History Channel. Oh.

These aren't my shoes. Excuses, excuses.

this part.

Those are cute. Race you.

Took you long enough. Well, that didn't count.

Ugh.

Ugh. Like acting nostalgic over

Ugh. Not worth the candle.

Ugh. She's in Chinatown.

Uh oh, birds.

Uh, Snooki! Oh, yes. You're right.

Um, House or Frylock? Who?

Vadim the Russian, Ukrainian.

Wait a minute, you... No, no. We didn't do anything.

We're being summoned.

Well, why not? Because it's very impolite.

What exactly is that? Psychic vampire.

What time does your class end? 9:30.

What?

What? I'm older than you think.

What? This is how you load it.

What? Well, this drummer guy

What's his name? His name?

What's his story? He's silly.

What's wrong with him?

Where's the body? Mount Sinai.

Who's there? I'm a friend of your son.

Whoa.

Whoa. Okay, let's go.

Why?

Why? Anything happens to her,

without a mirror? Thank you.

Would you like to sit? Oh, would I?

Yeah. No.

Yeah. So, uh...

Yes, like a hairdryer or a... Joey!

You are beautiful. You're so sweet.

You are? Yeah.

You got jury duty. What?

You got me Again.

You have pictures from before. No.

You wanna dance. Yeah, do you?

You wanna try new restaurants? No, I'm not much of a foodie.

You what? I voted for Dukakis.

You work at night? Yeah, it's so depressing.

You'd be older, too. I know.

You're from Cisserus, huh? You know her?

...doesn't mean they can just grow fangs,

...roam the street at night looking for innocent victims.

...southern flesh peddlers!

8:00 a.m. No.