Rock the Kasbah (2015) Edit

A country that I like and a village that I admire,

A grain of sand slips into an oyster...

A guy wouldn't have to walk that far.

A handshake is my word.

A husband and wife,

A lot of sex.

A parent and child,

A Pashtun girl.

A Pashtun woman? From this village?

A priest and confessor...

A tourist trip. Totally. You got a camera?

A... It's called management strategy.

Absolutely.

Actually, I'm Nick. He's Jake.

Actually, sir, we're in a lockdown mode.

Afghan Star? Yes. Big TV show.

Afghanistan. Totally. Got to.

After one year I'd be singing my own songs.

After these guys shoot me about a thousand times?

Against millions? Where will she even sleep?

Ah. Ah.

Alaikum salaam.

All non government organizations, until further notice.

All of Afghanistan, they watch it and they vote it.

All of them deeply, profoundly irritating.

All right, none of you are leaving here with a vicious STD.

All right, what you got to have for this, five bucks?

All right, when you're done,

All right. Calm down.

All right. Just give me the gory details.

All the wealth of my village, for what?

All those pictures in your office, you had that grin.

All you gotta do is tilt your head back and swallow.

Allah gave me this voice. This is his gift.

Allah loves those who act justly.

Although without backup.

And definitely off the street, hmm?

And don't you wanna know?

And emotional attachment to the lyric or the melody.

And for a long time, too long, I believed him.

And forget pitch, rhythm and tone...

And get you one of those stuffed elephants with the mirrors all over it.

And I already know who the winner is.

And I get a taste of the merch.

And I heard her, and...

And I think you're wrong.

And I'd like for you all to come to the show as my guests.

And if she's in Kabul, she's at the Volcan.

And if you didn't truly believe that, wouldn't she be dead by now?

And irritates the bivalve.

And it's a $300 million contract with the damn Pentagon, dude.

And it's safe?

And Jimmy Cliff.

And left me here in a place that I like,

And look at me.

And Ms. Ronnie Smiler, I think you are that same kind of professional.

And my act needs me.

And my bullets work.

And my money,

And Nizar's gonna kill Salima. He's a crazy man.

And now... now we shall play our parts.

And open my own real estate agency in Oahu.

And she had 'em.

And signing.

And that reminds me of someone, and this is brand new and mysterious.

And that TV show.

And that was nothing.

And the reason is that girl...

And then he would like us to spend the night.

And then hunt down your family and kill them.

And then I got a direct flight to LA. Gotta sleep.

And then we thought about your current situation.

And there's a lot of kids out there tonight just like me...

And they're wonderful sights. The road trip is absolutely incredible.

And this is what I'm supposed to do.

And those numbers can be massaged.

And those numbers can be massaged.

And two...

And would really appreciate an upgrade,

And you got my looks too.

And you put her on TV, Richie.

And you raised her...

And you really know that Salima's gonna win her way into the next round,

And you?

Are that irritant.

As salaam alaikum.

As she nursed him back to health, he taught her one word a day,

Asshole.

Azam Ghol is my Pashtun brother.

Baba, Johnny, get this shit off the truck.

Baba? Get It On John? Everybody all right?

Because I asked him to!

Big James Brown finish.

Big... Big time show.

Blood everywhere, all over both of us.

Booking cover bands for bar mitzvahs.

Bows. The whole thing.

Boys, it's your lucky day.

Breakfast, darlin'?

Brian, you don't wanna be the guy...

Burnt. Singed.

But I also gave up a daughter I love.

But I am still in the goddamn game.

But I can fuck you like a Mouseketeer on crack.

But I found this girl in a cave.

But I'm gonna cut my fee.

But I'm pretty sure...

But it's a start.

But Miss Stevie Nicks went on and did the show of her life that night.

But so... were the Bay City Rollers.

But the first thing...

But the town's jammed up and you're only here one night.

But this time for twice my initial fee.

But we got a shipment due in Patkia...

But why are you in my trunk?

But win, goddamn it.

But without you guys.

But you know what, Richie?

But you said that you retired.

But your 15 against my 85...

But your 15 against my 85...

But, gentlemen, Riza is right.

But, still, really a cool guy. Very funny.

But, you know, your father, family, apparently will kill me.

But... there's still a door there.

Call me later. There is no later for Salima, or for you...

Can't this wait until after the gig?

Careful with that.

Celine Dion.

Chief, this is for you.

Christina Aguilera occasionally.

Come on! Whoo!

Come on.

Come on. Babe, please.

Come on. Bring it down!

Come on. For my kid. For my girl.

Come on. Go loud with me, bro.

Come on. Go loud with us. Let's go.

Come on. This is just a short two hour...

Come through here at Christmastime. It's all lit up.

Come together, right now, over her.

Connected to who?

Conning checks from losers.

Copy that.

Could you please turn down the Boogie Oogie Oogie Oogie?

Courage?

Daddy bear took her out of the show, and she quit.

Daddy, nobody tours Afghanistan.

Dancing on the edge of the volcano.

Deviated septum... that I still have.

Do I look like a milkman?

Do I look like... Do I look like I use string?

Do the whole thing.

Do you get it?

Do you like Mexican?

Do you remember where we first met?

Does this mean we're not in a war zone here?

Don't do the Marilyn wig thing with the scarves.

Don't want to head into town in the dark, even with a Humvee and body armor.

Door number one. That's you.

Downside... Miss Merci's pulling an early retirement.

Dree!

Each one of 'em a huge star.

Escort you off the stage.

Eternal death.

Every fucking body's at the Volcan.

Everything all right? I have to go to work.

Everything in our lives has led us to this time, this place.

Everything that we have...

Everything's here. It's all boxed real nice.

Face to face? I own him.

Fans, who saved all month to come and hear Stevie Nicks sing.

Figure something out, man. I don't know.

Finally, I can't stand it anymore.

First little bump in the road, and Mr. Richie's just giving up,

First you lose your girl.

Five bucks good? We good?

Fleetwood Mac.

For a musical tour going through here,

For hanging two Taliban guys upside down by their feet.

Forgive me.

Forgive me. No.

Forty million units.

Fried.

From now on, let's...

From the moment you heard me sing,

Fuck you! Fuck you!

Get a room at the back away from the street and potential flying glass.

Get me the hell out of here now. Okay, Private?

Get out of my way.

Get out!

Get up! Yo, anybody hit? Anybody hit?

Give me a second. His Ronnie is gone.

Give me some... Here, I found five more bucks. Give me...

Give me... That one's clean.

Globally, in all markets.

Go find yourself a rich man while you still can.

God, you are really crazy about me, aren't you?

Goddamn beautiful this time of year.

Going downtown?

Good girl.

Good luck, sir.

Got Captain Crunch, Lucky Charms.

Great. A flat tire.

Half of southern Afghanistan back in the day.

Hang on. It gets worse.

Hangin' up my hot pants.

Hashish? No. Never again.

Have a much better handle on the whole karma, life/death thing.

Have been talking at us for far too long.

He believes in you. Oh, my God.

He comes to take my village, and he wants us to grow the poppy.

He is favorite.

He is not on our side.

He kept screaming about it.

He threw in these awesome CDs.

He... Is he proud? He's got to be.

He's got an incredible sense of humor. Get him out in the world.

He's very good.

Heads up.

Hell flight!

Hells, yeah. For a ton of money.

Herat, Mazar e Sharif, two nights in Kunduz, Kabul.

Here we are.

Here we are.

Here you go.

Here, man, take it.

Here's our contract. The only one we'll ever have. Ever.

Hey, an old friend.

Hey, boss. How about lunch?

Hey, bub. Hey, bub.

Hey, did I tell you my Stevie Nicks story? Oh, God.

Hey, guess what. We're shopping here.

Hey, he will put your head on a spike.

Hey, hon. Can't go out that way.

Hey, let's spread out and find your Ronnie.

Hey, remember, we got that thing at Pogo's tonight.

Hey, you're preaching to the choir,

Hey!

Hey! The fuck you going?

Hey! The fuck?

Hey.

Hey. Bombay Brian just got out of jail...

Hey. Hey! Are you a taxi?

Hey. Private Barnes.

Hey. Uncle Rich, we've got to get out of here. We've got something better than this.

Hi.

Hi.

High.

Hippie chic stuff. This is the...

Ho Hold it.

Hold it right there, Salima.

Honey, I saw the audience.

Horses. Horses, Mr. Richie.

House of pain.

How about for your country?

How about if I punch a hole through your heart right now?

How dare you my daughter insult?

How do you know that she's gonna be here?

How much money you got?

How the hell good am I if I can't break a talent like that?

How you feelin', boss?

Huge competition for our singers.

Huge competition for our singers.

Hurry up! Ann Coulter's gonna dance next!

I ain't never seen any shit like this before, sir. Good for you.

I already know.

I am going to brain this guy.

I am her manager.

I am not a loser.

I am not dumb.

I am supposed to be here.

I am talking about US, NGO dough. NATO.

I am tired of war, and I cannot afford the peace.

I am your partner with this girl, but I bet on you, Richie.

I appreciate your passion, but...

I assume you'll take a bullet to the foot.

I assume you'll take a personal check.

I bought it off of John Cougar Mellencamp.

I can feel when it's working.

I can see it.

I can't feel my lower lip.

I come here for the waitress.

I come out, throw a hijab around you,

I consider you my new friend in Afghanistan.

I could get you in a bidding situation.

I did have Eddie Money, but it was back when he was Eddie Mahoney.

I dig the suit. Retro.

I don't have a choice. None.

I don't know if they're, like, bad.

I don't know why she doesn't do it.

I don't know.

I don't like the tone of your voice.

I don't really... see that now.

I don't think you know quite what you're talking about.

I don't want string. I don't use string. Okay?

I got an idea.

I got nothin'. I've got nothin' for you, guys.

I got that one. Here.

I got to go check something. Fuses or watts or something.

I gotta go. Mmm.

I had a killer arrangement for the finals.

I have a lot of emotion tied into it.

I have always found a way. I always will.

I have no money, no passport...

I hear 'em, and I sign 'em.

I heard a girl singing just now.

I just got to know.

I just wanna take one of these.

I know who's the best, 'cause I heard the winner here last night.

I know, 'cause my daddy told me that.

I know. My staff knows.

I like what you've done with your hair, sir.

I like your dress.

I look her in the eye. I say:

I love this song. ♪ I do not feel ashamed ♪

I love you more.

I love you, Daddy!

I love you.

I made a few bucks.

I may have been burgled.

I mean, he just goes on, sir.

I mean, I'm just a hustler from LA.

I mean, she was something.

I must celebrate my God with my singing.

I must go to Kabul.

I must go to Kabul. I must.

I must honor him with my music.

I must speak.

I nailed a couple of hot publicists.

I need a shower. Of course, sir.

I never discovered Madonna.

I never do this.

I never handled a real headliner.

I promise you will feel it.

I run over to her, grab her by the shoulders.

I see that none of you are cable or satellite subscribers.

I suggest you come back...

I suggest you go down to the Chinese whorehouse on Chicken Street.

I sure do.

I think that it's May. Kandahar rocks in May.

I think you are a smart man, Mr. Richie, and a good one.

I told you.

I want two of these. This one or this one?

I want you to consider me...

I was about to fall asleep before that.

I was going to tell you. Really.

I watched that crowd.

I will leave you broken, drooling

I will protect her.

I will see you tomorrow.

I will talk.

I...

I... Uh...

I'll find somewhere else for five, I promise you.

I'll grab a beer. She's around here somewhere. Just keep looking, okay?

I'm glad you speak the language.

I'm going to head directly to the Kasbah...

I'm going to hurl.

I'm gonna go make a deal.

I'm gonna see you guys after at the after party. Right?

I'm gonna take that as a compliment.

I'm gonna walk out of here with a serious nest egg...

I'm kidding.

I'm losing it, Richie. What the... What is this?

I'm Merci with an I.

I'm not a fighter. I'm a deal maker.

I'm representing. I'm here to negotiate.

I'm sorry. Body armor?

I'm sorry. This is what I do.

I'm stuck in Kabul, and and Ronnie left...

I'm supposed to tour with my act.

I'm sure you know how to fix it.

I'm thinking.

I'm trying to look at the skyline here. Thank you.

I've already put this one in my mouth. I'm keeping that one.

I've got nothing, fellas. Nothin'.

I've heard the greatest! I've heard the best!

IED puffed a local on Flower Street.

If I bring an unmarried Pashtun girl in my building,

If Salima will be only singing in English.

If she goes back to the village, Richie,

If the ministry of information doesn't throw me in jail,

If the ulema doesn't shut us down,

If you let this girl sing on national TV,

If you really know talent,

If you'll have me...

In a cave above your village.

In all markets, all endeavors.

In all the excitement, I forgot to congratulate you.

In maybe an hour and a half or so.

In my country we often say thank you with a song.

In that truck is all the ammunition you will ever need.

International language of love. Yes?

Is a little of that Richie Lanz closing magic.

Is he... Is he stiffing me?

Is my act.

Is that we are tied up here in Kabul.

Is that, ultimately, you are our arms man, and you are in trouble.

Is there a lost and found?

It has been known to happen.

It is an incredible honor, Mr. Richie.

It just hit me.

It looks pretty bad for Richie Lanz from the cheap seats,

It rocks! It totally rocks.

It was long before Two Tickets To Paradise.

It wasn't supposed to end this way.

It'd be great for her village, for her family, for her people,

It's a big, big hit.

It's a flesh wound. Walk it off. Let's go.

It's a hell flight.

It's a million to one shot.

It's a unit of measurement in the desert.

It's insane. Billions... Billions are pouring into this bitch.

It's just to cover wardrobe, studio time, gym classes.

It's made in Taiwan. You didn't make this.

It's made in Taiwan. You didn't make this.

It's Miss Merci's 401(k) retirement tour.

It's okay. They're Pashtun.

It's pretty good, huh? Smooth.

It's ridiculous! Woodstock...

It's safe as milk.

It's the Rumours tour.

It's there! It's there! Whoa!

It's what I got. It's all I got.

It's what we do, right? It's why we're here. Mm hmm.

It's worth the wait.

Jimi Hendrix played The Star Spangled Banner...

Just a handshake. That's all I've ever had.

Just asking for you to give her a chance.

Just Be cool, bro. Papers.

Just come home.

Just consider it a lifetime achievement award.

Just like the Mannix car from the TV show.

Just save that for us. I feel like that was our special deal.

Just the fact that her coming here, it's done.

Kabul?

Keith Haring, 1987.

Kenny Loggins? You're still playing?

Kill him. Kill this fool now.

Land mine blew up two goats few blocks over.

Last leg.

Legendary ears.

Let me do the talking.

Let me get a round of drinks and one for our boy here?

Let's get out of here.

Let's get serious. What's it gonna take for all of this to go away?

Let's go back to Kabul.

Let's go. Get up! Get up! Let's go.

Let's go. Let's go. Let's get out of here.

Let's take a look.

Life's about seeing an open door and walking right through it.

Like a hillbilly snake handler.

Like dime store ones.

Like I said, we can and will make that happen for you.

Like right now. Ahora. Right the fuck now.

Like your American Idol.

Linda Ronstadt, ZZ Top,

Lip Incorporate, Madonna...

Look at that.

Look at that. Look at all of that.

Look at us now, huh? The goddamn ammo kings of Kabul! Who would have fucking figured?

Look, check my... Here. Who combs their hair?

Look, I think what he's trying to say...

Look, Mr. Bombay...

Look, Rich, the US Embassy, if pushed, can issue...

Look... And yet, she knows this,

Madonna? Please. Donna.

Maps! Maps!

Maps! Maps! Maps!

Markets, restaurants, tourist spots, anything outside of your hotel...

May I ask you one favor?

May I hide from the wind over here?

May. What?

Maybe. You know, probably.

Me and this Pashtun girl, we're in the hot tub with two guys.

Merci, just shut up. Put on a tube top.

Met is an understatement.

Mexican's fine.

Milk? Do these look like milk trucks?

Miss Merci.

Miss Merci.

Miss Nicki Minaj.

Miss Stevie. I'm nobody, but I'm a fan.

Miss Whitney Houston.

Miss, would you mind moving?

Mm hmm.

Mm hmm. That we can trust.

Money. Power. Maybe opium.

More of a deal breaker than a negotiation.

Mr. Lanz, this hotel is not MOSS...

Mr. Richie!

Mr. Richie... Heads up. Heads up. What do you got?

Must be some sort of festival or something.

My all time guy would simply tell us,

My ears.

My gal's got a big show tonight.

My handshake is my word.

My posthumous book... I wonder what you'll call it.

My star...

My thousand dollars.

My treat. They have great shopping here.

Nail that last verse one last time. Ignore him. You be you.

NATO, UN personnel,

Nick, Jake.

No and no.

No contract.

No questions asked. No.

No worries. We're good to go.

No, I can get that one. Thank you. All right.

No, I think... Uh, everything but the, uh... the money. It's good.

No, I want this thing here. I want the animal. Okay?

No, no, no. He is the real Dark Lord, dude.

No, no, no. My man, my man, my man.

No, no, no. Who sings the disco?

No, Pashtun women cannot.

No, she just left. She wrote a note.

No! You do not lecture me about courage, about my country.

No. I want to go home.

No. Impossible.

No. No, I don't, uh... Thank you.

No. No, we shall not.

None of that's true. I mean, apparently there was a soldier.

Nope.

Not enough?

Not getting blown to hell.

Not her. You.

Not my passion. Salima's passion.

Not sacred.

Not the dying part. The living.

Not wearing underwear.

Not you. Not an American.

Nothing. It's a Mexican quaalude.

Now come on back here with me.

Now I think she's wearing wigs. And cheap ones. Really.

Now it's mixed in there. That's the color. Which one's better, this or this?

Now yes, it's a little bit out of town,

Now you're gonna lose your head.

Now you're just being cruel. Aren't you?

Now, I have an 80 20...

Now, it's only good for a year, but it will get you home.

Now, Salima...

Now.

Now's a good time to be sick.

Obviously we did. We thought about you.

Obviously, some asshole has changed the goddamn locks on me,

Of child support you owe me, you pathetic piece of shit.

Of course you do, hon.

Officer.

Oh, come on. It's a flat tire.

Oh, God.

Oh, I go to a gym.

Oh, Lord.

Oh, my book. My book. You mean my posthumous book.

Oh, personal check.

Oh, yes, yes, yes. Sure, sure.

Oh!

Oh! Oh, God. Oh!

Oh?

Oh.

Oh. Geez. Sure. Of course.

Oh. Mr. Richie.

Oh. Sure. Sure.

Okay, but I'm gonna want 20%.

Okay, but they don't know, right?

Okay, is this our talk? Because you promised me...

Okay, then I'll just go to the mall...

Okay, what we're looking for...

Okay.

Okay.

Okay. I'm hearing you.

Okay. Let 'em hear you.

Okay. Very quickly. A key is to know what the other guy wants.

On Sunset.

On TV.

One day.

One thousand. American. Now.

Opening for Demi goddamn Lovato and that Solange?

Or lawyer client.

Or not.

Or your country.

Or, uh, do you go by Mumbai now?

People blowing up all over the place, a million miles from home. Dirty. Stinky.

Phantom, Cats.

Phone calls have been made, to Dubai!

Pick you up, take you to Camp Phoenix for tonight's show.

Pink Floyd. The Eagles.

Playing in your town and a number of others.

Please don't hang up. I'm in a jam. Syl, please. Wait.

Possibly to a junior executive suite.

Pretty good.

Probably your first hostage rescue, huh?

Puts us both in a palace in the hills, my friend.

Puts us both in a palace in the hills, my friend.

Quit? You quit. It was that easy for you to walk away.

Raise it. There we are.

Rich, these... These are the very good guys, okay?

Richie Lanz checking in.

Richie Lanz, I fought to be a winner,

Richie Lanz, our story is already written,

Richie Rosé. That's my dude!

Richie,

Richie, I want to get out of here. Mm hmm.

Richie, it was all a setup. Do you hear me?

Richie, shut up. Listen to me.

Richie, the judges want to know...

Richie, this, right now... This will be the best part.

Richie, you're all right.

Richie! Where are you going?

Richie? Richie?

Richie. You will.

Richie... You shrug off the shawl,

Right over there.

Right, right. Do the whole circuit...

Right. Are you still there?

Rise and shine, songbird.

Riza, Richie Lanz is about one thing, one thing only.

Ronnie Smiler, everybody.

Ronnie.

Rula, babe.

Rumi writes,

Salima is in danger.

Salima Khan!

Salima Khan!

Salima Khan!

Salima Khan!

Salima Khan! Salima Khan!

Salima!

Salima!

Save the rest for the after party.

Say it with me. Volcan! Volcan!

Scared is normal. Scared is okay.

Scary smart.

See you soon. Gotta go.

See? We are cursed.

Seems to have vamoosed with my passport...

Seriously. No way.

Shame. Dishonor.

She begged you to let her sing her own songs.

She did it! You did it! We're in!

She does the Muslim West. That's it.

She has the gift. She has the magic. I know it.

She is still in Kabul. Trust me.

She is? Truly?

She learned from a seriously wounded American GI...

She left a note.

She stole my wallet. She took my wallet, my money, my passport.

She was really something.

She's got to get her rest.

She's risked her life. Come on.

She's, like, a whore, an infidel, whatever.

She's, uh, in the shower, I think.

Shit.

Since we were put here on this earth,

Since you found me in the cave,

Singing Cat Stevens in English.

Singing for spare change in front of Hamburger Hamlet.

Six months ago, we were Herbalife salesmen.

Slinking back to his little Van Nuys world.

Smooth.

So $1,200?

So I guess that's a no.

So it's two things. My ears and signing.

So only Cat Stevens?

So simple.

So they're able to keep the prices really low.

So you gave them your guns.

So you keep that one. We'll call it square.

So you'll represent me?

So you're just gonna have to trust me on this, Richie.

So? So...

So... you wanna say something?

Somebody is not going to like that.

Something with some size,

Something you were gonna spring on me?

Soon to be in Beverly Hills.

Sounds like someone from Lord of the Rings.

Sparkly, huh?

Stay in it till I get here. See you at 1900 hours.

Stevie can't go on.

Stevie won't go on.

Stop it right now.

Stop. Stop!

Stop. Stop! And to hear her voice...

Stop. What?

Strings. Gospel choir.

Stroll back to the mike, go down, a full knee drop.

Sure, I'll be there. Good.

Sure. We have time.

Sweetie, your dad was a rock tour manager...

Sweetness and light.

Synthetic?

Take over the village, and you've got to do something.

Talent manager of Van Nuys, California.

Taxi.

Tea? Yes. And then dinner.

Technically, the daddy did threaten to cut off my head.

Thank you for your sacrifice.

Thank you so much. Thanks. Appreciate it.

Thank you very much.

Thank you, bro.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you. Yes.

Thanks for not killing me.

Thanks for the tip, honey.

That are illegal in every civilized nation in the world.

That girl has talent.

That left the Alamo.

That sings on national TV in this country?

That was before his lambkin made it to the final round.

That way.

That's a binding contract, sacred in my world!

That's a good plan. That's a great plan.

That's about $15,000.

That's been stepped on by a preexisting 70 30.

That's enough.

That's final. Maps! Maps!

That's for you. Brand new. There you go.

That's half my fee. She said you'd pay me the rest.

That's me, man. I book those things.

That's never happened before.

The '85 Bangles tour was a death trip.

The Bee Gees. Saturday Night Fever album.

The deal was safe as milk.

The deal was...

The dying part?

The faucet is open.

The first thing I do when I arrive,

The fuck you going? Get that gear out of the car.

The fucking truck is on fire. Get out of there!

The girl in the red burka. We saw her today.

The Lord works in mysterious ways.

The mission today is a simple stop and drop.

The mujahideen warlords.

The nation, the world, women everywhere.

The one that you're gonna make all the money off of...

The parade goes right through here. It's beautiful.

The way she sang last night, she could have won it all!

Then do something.

Then it is Allah's will, and we shall die together.

There are four sacred bonds in this life:

There are more death threats on this show than singers.

There is no we. I'm done with you.

There was her name on the ballot with a phone number to call. Yes.

There will be another season, Mr. Lanz.

There'll be no Richie 35 on this one.

There'll be Richie 15, and we're still both gonna do great.

There's a candle in your heart, ready to be kindled.

There's a million mercenary memoirs out there.

There's a void in your soul, ready to be filled.

There's always a list.

There's amazing rock formations. It's like Arizona. Really, really pretty.

There's been an assassination attempt on the Afghan president.

There's got to be a reason for this.

There's just the matter of an account balance.

There's no flights out of this place until tomorrow.

There's nowhere else she could possibly be, okay?

These guys have no idea what they're up against.

These people invented the word bazaar.

They all crushed... crushed 40 million units or more.

They are forbidden to sing.

They are my people. Yes.

They did not dig an uncovered Pashtun girl...

They didn't wanna show it, but she had 'em.

They don't have Kasbahs in Afghanistan.

They just weren't able to go with her because it was in public.

They used you, Richie. You were the fucking patsy.

They usually don't clear our people to stay here,

They wanted to go with her.

They were with her.

They will kill her, and then right away, they will kill us.

They won't fire. They're old.

They'll snap at you.

They're all giants. Demigods.

They're gonna fucking kill her. They're gonna kill her father,

They're like yours, but they're magic.

They're making us stop.

They're soldiers. They'll kill me.

Thirty clicks from our destination out on the Gardez road.

This conversation never happened, okay?

This girl...

This girl...

This guy, he's an animal. He butchered what?

This has got to be fate.

This is a goddamn death trip.

This is a nice car.

This is a tough town.

This is fucking scary, isn't it?

This is nuts!

This is our card, in case you need anything.

This is so crazy, so random.

This is the last of it? It's not ours.

This is your final chapter of your best selling book, right here.

This is your killer hook.

This one or this one?

This wasn't the deal.

Those bullets that you sold to Salima's father...

Those fools shoot like they dress.

Three months I've been trying to get that fucking thing to spiral.

To buy more bullets, more guns.

To defend their village.

To get a passport to my own country.

To honor and celebrate...

To hunt you down and kill you,

To see Stevie Nicks twirl.

Today. Yep.

Tonight at Camp Phoenix at 8:00!

Tonight is Afghan Star.

Totally not necessary. This is a sweet Pashtun village.

Touché.

Twenty four hours!

Twenty four hours. You pay me or you die.

Twice.

Two weeks...

Uh oh. Uh oh?

Uh, a singer, like Cher,

Uh, Mr. Lanz?

Uh, okay, I guess you've got what you need.

Uh, Richie Lanz. It's a real pleasure.

Uh, she is Tariq's daughter. She is Tariq's daughter. Of course.

Uh, time for a crazy story.

Uh, we are obviously the talent for tonight's show at Camp Phoenix.

Uh, well. Enjoy the rest of your stay.

Uh...

Um...

Understandable.

Until finally, the music of the West.

USO tour.

Very nice. Hit! Hit it.

Volcan! Volcan! Volcan! Volcan!

Wall of sound. Huge.

Want to get you a good blender too.

Was that... Why did you do that?

Was the deal. Safe as milk.

We are returning to the picturesque Pashtun village.

We are surrounded by enemies.

We are your only chance.

We could have won it all, Dad.

We do, I guess. The good stuff.

We good?

We got a Hollywood agent in the truck with us today.

We got all the stuff you asked for.

We gotta help these guys. Of course we gotta help these guys.

We have a possible abduction at the Majestic...

We have a saying:

We have to rock!

We have to talk, Richie.

We must. There is no choice. It is God's will.

We shook hands.

We should have taken horses.

We will die.

We will send some security just for show.

We work hard, but we must also play hard.

We? Yeah.

We'll keep all of that on a need to know basis, okay?

We'll proceed to the Majestic Hotel, get you people squared away.

We're at war, dude.

We're not gonna go get her?

We're on the list. Lanz, plus one.

We've gotta go out this door here.

We've just come off a hellacious flight from the coast...

Wear your Meredith Brooks outfit tonight, please.

Welcome to the team. Thank you! Thank you.

Well, his bass player actually.

Well, I guess the show must go on.

Well, I happen to have these babies right here.

Well, I think you're wrong. I hope you're wrong.

Well, I'm afraid that's a personal matter.

Well, it's wartime, son.

Well, that's ugly. Give me... Give me that blue one.

Well, who actually knows that she quit? I mean, officially.

Well, you're kind to say that.

Well...

Well... Except for this part.

What a beautiful picture.

What about doctor patient?

What are you doing?

What did he say? The day is not over yet.

What do you say we keep Salima on the ballot?

What happened to that smile you had, huh?

What happened?

What happens? A pearl.

What her family is gonna do, her father? It's already done.

What if they hate me?

What is a beauty like you doing with a goof like me?

What is it? Your ears.

What kind of warlord throws a pool party on a weekday?

What my partner is trying to say...

What the fuck was that?

What the hell am I doing here?

What the hell?

What they like to call a limited validity passport.

What time of year is it?

What you gotta do is bring this shit to Afghanistan.

What?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What? A lockdown?

What? No rock the Kasbah?

What'd that twerp say? Nothing.

What's a click?

What's happening?

What's up, buddy? She's great, isn't she?

What's up, dude?

Whatever. Plus one? Mmm.

When it comes to men, I'm usually two steps ahead.

Where are you going? This wasn't the deal.

Where I will purchase for you...

Where you goin'? To close this deal.

Where you going? Mr. Richie! You are blown up?

Where'd you learn? Yes, yes.

Which is, you know, karmically correct.

Which is, you know, karmically correct.

Which one?

Which one... I don't need all of this.

Which one's better? This one?

Which uh oh? What is happening?

Who was trapped in her village.

Who would put a club here?

Whoa, Hollywood! Where are you going?

Whoa! Look at that, huh?

Whoo!

Why don't you get me my passport and wallet back for the $1,000?

Why would I ever do that?

Will do.

With Azam Ghol and this... this Nizar.

With big, sharp rocks. That is simple.

Wow.

Wow. I got goose bumps. Me too.

Yeah, I think I know a good cop, bad cop when I see it.

Yeah, once you get to know him, he's great.

Yeah, sure, I'm taking some hits,

Yeah, we sell bullets to the good guys.

Yeah, we're good. Don't worry about this.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah!

Yeah! Come on!

Yeah.

Yeah. Crazy. She head butted me.

Yeah. IBM.

Yeah. Think Aspen. But, you know, during wartime.

Yeah. What you do is talk shit.

Yes, sir. Here.

Yes, yes. I speak. Yes. I speak American. American.

Yes. Cheap and good. Bartender.

Yes. That and the fact that she paid me a thousand dollars.

Yes. What?

Yes. Yes. Bionic Boogie, Sylvester,

You are a piece of work.

You are a warlord. You want war, I suppose.

You are her manager.

You are so your father's daughter.

You can ask anybody where.

You can?

You delivered the bad bullets for them.

You didn't make this. This was made by Chinese people in Taiwan.

You do not wanna miss it.

You don't deserve a talent like that.

You drive down, you do the meet and greet, get paid, obviously, see the sights.

You feel it, don't you?

You force her to sing that stupid cover shit.

You fuck her?

You got to just hear the girl sing.

You guys had guns? Oh, hell, yeah, we do.

You happen to be sitting next to a very well connected hombre.

You have met Madonna?

You idiot. That's what he's thinking.

You just gotta love this guy.

You know what? You can have half now.

You know what's gonna happen to a Pashtun girl...

You know, but this is all rope a dope, baby.

You know, if you haven't officially removed her from the ballot, don't.

You know, she's got the money to spend.

You know, this is not forever.

You liked it? Liked it?

You look kind of nervous.

You look like a lady. You sing like an angel. It'll be enough.

You made me want to swallow poison.

You need a hook, Mr. Bombay.

You never heard of a Merci fuck?

You okay? Oh, I think I'm bleeding somewhere.

You pay room and board, all out of pocket.

You people. You talk and talk.

You really believe that?

You saw it all.

You should see the way he looks at you while you sleep.

You smell like pussy.

You stole my daughter.

You tell Salima that your word is bond.

You the new lifeguard?

You want my air? Here. Take mine.

You will translate.

You won.

You would have won in a walk.

You You said you discovered Madonna.

You... You folks from the mystic East...

You'd like CIA and Taliban to both pay you to sell out your own country.

You're a warlord.

You're in Kabul, man. Man up!

You're just beginning.

You're not a lifeguard. You're toast.

You're not gonna get five clicks out of here.

You're not gonna get out of here without us.

You're repeating yourself.

You're running out of shit to lose.

You're talking a tour? A hellacious tour, dude!

You've heard about Afghan Star, huh?

Your dad is a rock tour manager.

Your family, your country and your God.

Your future's calling.

Your girl's gone.

Your handshake is your word. You shook her hand.

Your luggage probably never made it on the flight.

Your new partner.

Your winner's smile. That's what you called it.

8:00 to Dubai. Three hour layover.

70 30.

Backstage... Get out of the car. Now!

Come on! Mr. Richie! Mr. Richie!

Danielle Steel. Bullshit.

Don't worry about that. Why did you do that?

Hey. Oh, look out.

I gave her the name Madonna. That's why you are a very famous man.

I love you! I'm hanging up now.

I mean, how do you think I found Madonna? Richie.

I'm going to say it's okay, Ronnie. Yeah.

Love this guy. Cool head in a tight spot.

Mr. Richie! Hey!

Saw her singing on the street. Yes. The Hamburger Hamlet.

She had beautiful hair, didn't she? Back then.

The real Solange? Hells, yeah. In country, dude.

There is no deal, Hollywood. All right. All right.

Volcan! Volcan! Just chill the fuck out.

Was that about Cats? Hates Broadway.

We dated. Get the fuck out of here.

What do you guys want? Fucking mind reader.

What room, Nasim? 26.

What's that for? That's some gangster shit.

What's your name? Richie Lanz.

Why? 'Cause she asked me to.

Women, sir. Well, what about the show?

Yeah. Okay. Say it.

Yes. He's cool. We done, champ?

You idiot. It's only rock and roll, babe.

You ready to roll, sir? Hang on.

'Cause she asked you to?

♪ 'Cause out on the edge of darkness ♪

♪ All rolled into one ♪

♪ And I believe it could be ♪

♪ And I believe it could be ♪

♪ And I can't find my way home ♪♪

♪ And I just ain't got the time ♪

♪ And I'm wasted ♪

♪ And it's breakin' my heart in two ♪

♪ And it's breaking my heart you're leaving ♪

♪ And it's too much, too much for me ♪

♪ And leave your body alone ♪

♪ And she will be ♪

♪ And she will be loved ♪

♪ And there's nothing much left of me ♪

♪ And wound up at your door ♪

♪ Ask her if she'd like to stay for a while ♪

♪ Bawitdaba da bang da bang diggy, diggy, diggy ♪

♪ Bawitdaba, da bang da bang, diggy, diggy, diggy ♪

♪ Bawitdaba, da bang da bang, diggy, diggy, diggy ♪

♪ Bawitdaba, da bang da bang, diggy, diggy, diggy ♪

♪ Bawitdaba, da bang da bang, diggy, diggy, diggy ♪

♪ Because I never wanna see you sad, girl ♪

♪ But I'm just a soul whose intentions are good ♪

♪ But I'm near the end ♪

♪ But if you wanna leave, take good care ♪

♪ But if you wanna leave, take good care ♪

♪ But just remember there's a lot of bad and beware ♪

♪ But just remember there's a lot of bad and beware ♪

♪ But somehow I want more ♪

♪ But then a lot of nice things turn bad out there ♪

♪ But you'll never be free ♪

♪ Cause out on the edge of darkness ♪

♪ Come down off your throne ♪

♪ Come on now, peace train ♪

♪ Come on now, peace train ♪

♪ Come on now, peace train ♪

♪ Come on, baby You know how ♪

♪ Come take me home again ♪

♪ Don't be a bad girl ♪

♪ Don't forget about the rock and roll ♪

♪ Don't want no more of you ♪

♪ Don't you know no one alive ♪

♪ Dreaming about the world as one ♪

♪ Drunk your wine ♪

♪ Everyone jump up on the peace train ♪

♪ Fire in the night ♪

♪ Fire in the night sky ♪

♪ Fire in the sky, yeah ♪

♪ Hope you have a lot of nice things to wear ♪

♪ Hope you make a lot of nice friends out there ♪

♪ Hope you make a lot of nice friends out there ♪

♪ I can understand how you'd be so confused ♪

♪ I do not feel ashamed ♪♪

♪ I don't envy you ♪

♪ I don't mind spending every day ♪

♪ I drove for miles and miles ♪

♪ I feel I'm knocking on heaven's door ♪

♪ I hate the world today ♪

♪ I have seen your face ♪

♪ I'll always remember you like a child, girl ♪

♪ I'll always remember you like a child, girl ♪

♪ I'm a bitch I'm a lover ♪

♪ I'm a bitch, I'm a lover ♪

♪ I'm a child I'm a mother ♪

♪ I'm a child I'm a mother ♪

♪ I'm a sinner I'm a saint ♪

♪ I'm a sinner I'm a saint ♪

♪ I've been crying lately ♪

♪ I've had you so many times ♪

♪ Innocent and sweet ♪

♪ It's getting dark, too dark to see ♪

♪ It's hard to get by just upon a smile ♪

♪ It's hard to get by just upon a smile ♪

♪ It's not so far from you ♪

♪ Jump around Jump around ♪

♪ Knock, knock, knocking on heaven's door ♪

♪ Knock, knock, knocking on heaven's door ♪

♪ Knock, knock, knocking on heaven's door ♪♪

♪ Let you touch me slowly ♪

♪ Like maybe I'm an angel underneath ♪

♪ Look for the girl with the broken smile ♪

♪ Loved ♪♪

♪ Mama, Mama, see me I'm a pop star ♪

♪ Mama, Mama, see me on my first gig ♪

♪ Mama, Mama, see me on the TV ♪

♪ Now I've been happy lately ♪

♪ Now I've been smiling lately ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Oh ah ay ah oh ah ♪

♪ Oh ah ay ah oh ah ♪

♪ Oh ah ay ah oh ah ♪

♪ Oh ah ay ah oh ah ♪

♪ Oh ah ay ah oh ah ♪

♪ Oh, baby, baby, it's a wild world ♪

♪ Oh, baby, baby, it's a wild world ♪

♪ Oh, baby, baby, it's a wild world ♪

♪ Oh, baby, baby, it's a wild world ♪

♪ Oh, how you love to let me fuck you slowly ♪

♪ Oh, I've been smiling lately ♪

♪ Oh, listen to me ♪♪

♪ Oh, Lord, please don't let me be misunderstood ♪♪

♪ Oh, Mama, Mama, see me ♪

♪ Oh, Mama, Mama, see me ♪

♪ Oh, Mama, Mama, see me ♪

♪ Oh, peace train, take this country ♪

♪ Oh, peace train, take this country ♪

♪ Oh, trouble, can't you see? ♪

♪ Oh, trouble, set me free ♪

♪ Ooh, baby, baby, it's a wild world ♪

♪ Or I can break you down ♪

♪ Out on your corner in the pouring rain ♪

♪ Over and under your spell ♪

♪ Peace train sounding louder ♪

♪ Peace train, holy roller ♪

♪ Shake the boogie said up jump the boogie ♪

♪ Shake the boogie, said up jump the boogie ♪

♪ Shake the boogie, said up jump the boogie ♪

♪ Shake the boogie, said up jump the boogie ♪

♪ Smoke on the water ♪

♪ Smoke on the water ♪

♪ Smoke on the water ♪

♪ Smoke on the water ♪

♪ So won't you be fair? ♪

♪ So won't you be fair? ♪

♪ So won't you be kind to me? ♪

♪ Somebody holds the key ♪

♪ Someday it's going to come ♪

♪ Soon it will all be true ♪

♪ That don't have any answers ♪

♪ The midnight glances and the topless dancers ♪

♪ Thinking about the good things to come ♪

♪ Thinking about the world as it is ♪

♪ To see the softer side ♪

♪ Tried to tell you but you look at me ♪

♪ Trouble ♪

♪ Trouble ♪

♪ What else can a poor boy do? ♪

♪ Why can't we live in bliss? ♪

♪ Yes, I'm goin' on my first gig ♪

♪ Yes, I'm goin' on the TV, now ♪

♪ Yes, I'm goin' on the TV, now ♪

♪ Yes, I'm going to be a pop star ♪

♪ Yes, I'm gonna be a pop star ♪

♪ Yes, I'm gonna be a pop star, now ♪

♪ Yes, peace train, holy roller ♪

♪ Yesterday I cried ♪

♪ You can jump into the fire ♪

♪ You can shake me up ♪

♪ You can swim the sea ♪

♪ You do what you do ♪

♪ You have made your world mine ♪

♪ You know you wouldn't want me any other way ♪

♪ You must have been relieved ♪

♪ You say you want to start something new ♪

♪ You're eating my heart away ♪

♪ You're so good to me I know, but I can't change ♪