Keanu (2016) Edit

A damn ass street fight.

A friend of mine went to grade school with the speechwriter

A kid stabbed me 'cause I stole his Ring Pop.

A ****a make a goddamn deal.

About no exchange tomorrow.

About this job that I did in Paris for a couple of months,

About time you passed that shit, eh?

About what exactly went down at the Diaz church massacre.

Absolutely wrong. 100% wrong.

After that,

Again.

Agree to disagree with that one.

Ah!

Ah!

Ah! Yay! You guys are here!

Ah...

Aight, man.

Aight, Papi.

Aight.

Ain't no thang.

All right, dawg!

All right, go, go, go. Just walk.

All right, in or out.

All right, just stay there.

All right, let me explain somethin' to y'all real quick.

All right, listen.

All right, sweetheart.

All right? This one of the greatest recording artists of all time, man.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right. Hey. I'll be right back, pimpin'.

All right. Okay.

All right. We're good. We're gonna go.

All right. You doin' all right, right?

All this Bliptown family shit?

Allentown or not, y'all gonna be my Allentown ****as today.

Allentown!

Am I in Heaven?

Am I right, Tech?

And at the same time, Cheddar,

And at the same time, I need you to clean up

And be a stunt man in my spare time, yo!

And came down and was still shooting ****as.

And diarrhea is what I'm talking about.

And didn't nobody say nothing

And drain ours.

And everyone gonna say their name

And he probably had a fuckin' father figure

And I failed.

And I got into gang bangin' after I got stabbed by my moms.

And I just want you to be Clarence.

And I ran hurdles in high school.

And I swear to God, this drug is insane.

And I went to a exclusive,

And I'm coming home tomorrow morning instead of tomorrow night.

And I'm just having some really rugged fun, you know?

And I've never done that,

And it's just team building. This is what you do.

And it's time to turn down, man!

And just remember, Rell.

And now I see that you are, in fact,

And now tomorrow, I can mow the lawn,

And Officer Dunn.

And put him in our trunk.

And put him in our trunk.

And so, yeah. I mean, the 17th Street Blips,

And swam.

And that you can't just say it

And the beauty is,

And the only real question is,

And then he shot you, man. That's crazy.

And then two things about yourself.

And then we'll just go see where Cheddar's at, right?

And then, George Michael was trying to do that solo thing, right?

And then, he used to roll with this ****a, Ridgeley.

And then, wham!

And they're gonna take care of it. Right.

And this guy, he let me smoke some of 'this stuff.

And we gonna be on our goddamn way, Spencer!

And we just get Keanu.

And we the only ones that got it in LA.

And what are you gonna do to me?

And what's crack a lacking, beautiful people?

And when I don't stand up for myself,

And when I got back to my grandmamma house, she shot me.

And when them Allentown ****as get tired,

And when you're selling the heavier shit,

And women like bad boys.

And y'all fuckin' ruined it. Y'all fucked everything up.

And you don't meet Cheddar until you meet me.

And you ran up the wall and did a back flip,

And you take it as gospel, you understand?

And... No, that didn't sound right.

And'?

Anything? Beer, wine, liquor, girls'?

Appendix.

Are you okay?

Are you...

As recently, our docket is full, ****a

At a pet store.

Awesome!

Back up!

Be specific!

Because a woman can do anything a man can do, but...

Because I accidentally locked my car keys in my trunk once.

Because Iglesias belongs to my family.

Because it's, like, my favorite cartoon.

Because that would require a driver's license,

Because that's how real people talk, Clarence.

Because that's how we roll, motherfucker.

Because there's a bunch of dead people out here, that's why.

Because when I stand up for myself,

Because you being crazy disrespectful right now.

Because you gonna be in trouble in a second.

Because, my man right here,

Before we get on this job, it's time for us to all

Before y'all go run off and do your little tinkle

Bitch, shut the fuck up!

Bitch, you ain't no fuckin' cop.

Blips was supposed to run this game, man.

Blood bath. Hundred executions.

Blood Grips, Blips.

Bottom line is...

Bring it in right here, homie.

Bring your ass here, little Wendy!

Broke a lot of laws, probably.

Buckshot.

But everything happens for a reason.

But first let me introduce you to Officer Galloway

But I am married.

But I don't have a driver's license 'cause I'm from New York City.

But I'm here now.

But it's all good. It's nothing bad.

But okay.

But right quick, though, rig ht quick, though,

But this ain't no motherfucking pet store, ****a.

But this is practically Neverland fuckin' Ranch out here.

But we can't do that, and I'll tell you why.

But we need to talk about your behavior.

But what happened was I was trying to get my cat.

But why you drive this weak ass van?

But y'all some dumb fucks if you think I'm gonna be a rat.

But you wanna never get pulled over again,

But, baby...

But, you know, the thing about me and Techtonic,

But... l mean, that's not, like, concrete proof.

By Allentown standards,

Call Rell.

Can I help you?

Can you just explain to me what's going on right now?

Can't do it!

Can't leave the door open, you know what I'm sayin'?

Check it. We're going to approach the bar.

Cheddar already told y'all, we ain't here...

Cheddar is a psychopath name.

Cheddar said you was gonna show me how to do this.

Cheddar, seriously, man.

Cheddar, you're under arrest.

Cheddar!

Cheddar. Look,

Chill. Hey, yo, Cheddar.

Chipwrecked? The Squeakquel?

Clarence and I, having killed the Allentown brothers

Clarence,

Clarence, Clarence, they're bad people.

Clarence, I don't want you to see me like this.

Clarence, you can keep on talking, but just know, I think we just won.

Clarence, you did it, man! Fuck, you did it, cuz!

Clarence, you're embarrassing me.

Come here, buddy.

Come here, Keanu.

Come here.

Come on, bro.

Come on, I just want to build motorcycles,

Come on, just tell me what you want from me.

Come on, man!

Come on, man. You got a bunch of shit, man.

Come on, please, please, please! Come sit.

Come on, Rell.

Come on, y'all. Let's go to this party, man.

Come on.

Come on. Drive!

Come on. We gotta get this over with, man.

Cool, yeah.

Cool.

Count of three. We gotta fucking shoot them.

Crazy bitch!

Crimson Tide. Good one.

Cute cat.

Damn straight. Did that, too.

Damn!

Dare.

Deal breaker.

Deal. Why is it a deal?

Deal. Y'all hear that?

Deep breath. Ready?

Did I not mention the whys? The whys, too, motherfucker.

Didn't say goodbye or nothing.

Do it, do it.

Do it. Do it, do it, do it.

Do it. I don't care. I'm not getting into a...

Do it' do it, do it.

Do the honors, dawg.

Do we got a deal or what?

Do you think there's any chance you might find the guys who did this?

Doing an impression of a white guy.

Don't even worry about that.

Don't fuckin' let Anna Faris tear us apart!

Don't kill me. Don't shoot me! I don't want to die.

Don't let white girl tear us apart, Hi C.

Don't make the deal, because we're not those guys.

Don't tell me you just tried to flip,

Don't think too long, kid.

Don't think too long.

Don't turn your back on me.

Don't worry about it, baby.

Don't worry. I'll testify on your behalf.

Drive!

Dude, all you need to remember is...

Dude, look! I get you lost your kitty cat,

Dude, you lost your cat.

Dumb motherfucker.

Even taught my goons some new tricks.

Ever

Every trip is different!

Everybody here seems to like Keanu,

Everybody likes baby kittens.

Everything does happen for a reason.

Everything has a price.

Everything has its price.

Excuse me!

Excuse me. Can I come through here for a second?

Finders keepers, yo.

Fine. I'm fine. Every/thing's fine.

First of all, I don't care

First off, uh, I don't like ****as I don't know.

For instance.

Freeze! Police!

Fuck it! He ain't my friend.

Fuck you, bitch!

Fuck, yeah!

Fuck, yeah!

Fuck, yeah. Let's see what we got here.

Fuck!

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuckin' knew it.

Fucking do it.

Fucking got you, motherfucker!

Gather 'round and whatnot.

Gentlemen, please, why can't we just talk about this?

George Michael is a real ****a, though, right?

George Michael is holding it down.

George Michael.

George.

Ger on your knees Hands behind your head.

Get her! Gel her!

Get her! Yeah!

Get Iglesias.

Get in the back!

Get it, then!

Get my cat.

Get on the ground now!

Get that bitch, Keanu!

Get that bitch!

Get that bitch!

Get the damn cat!

Get the fucking bag!

Get to know each other a little bit better.

Get your seatbelt on, young ladies.

Give me a second before I kill you.

Give me the cat.

Go ahead. Drink some.

Go on ahead, Bud.

Go on, ****a.

Go, go, go.

God damn right, they had him.

God gave you one face. Why would you change it?

God, ow.

Going home, home...

Gonna heat it up. Heat it on up.

Good job today, man. You did really good.

Good.

Good. Let's go.

Gosh, that was so weird, wasn't it?

Got a neat little backpack.

Got a neat little backpack.

Got my trick knee.

Got real close.

Got up in there licketysplit, snip, snip, yeah.

Great. So, no Micah, then?

Great. This is all great. I'm not here for any of that.

Guess you don't know who you messing with

Ha! Can I please see it?

Ha! I'm just fucking with you!

Had a little bit of heft to it.

Hang on, I'm gonna be right there, okay?

Hannah!

Hannah! Baby.

Hannah. A vision, as always.

Has anyone shady come by here in the last couple of days?

Hasn't even been that bad, really.

Have a drink. Sit down!

He ain't want none, did he?

He black, then?

He did n. He flipped n?

He didn't have his own positive male role model in his life.

He does.

He flipped it.

He has a rare disease.

He is not black, and I apologize.

He killed the motherfucker?

He probably tryin' to steal him back.

He serious?

He was gone, too.

He will stab you in the eye.

He's a kitten, you know.

He's gonna be a kitten forever.

He's got Keanu!

He's keepin' his.

He's like one of the family.

He's my kitten, Iglesias.

He's not black. I lied about that.

Hello, Clarence. It's me,

Hello! I'm sorry, Keanu'?

Hello?

Hells bells, hold on to your shells, ****a.

Help!

Here's the deal, man.

Here's the thing, man. I was, like...

Hey, buddy.

Hey, but we're turning it out, man!

Hey, cuz!

Hey, I know you need this back.

Hey, Spencer.

Hey, we're fun dudes. We're friends!

Hey, you know what? I'm gonna swing by right now.

Hey, you know what? Maybe when you get back,

Hey! Fuck. Yo, Hi C!

Hey! If you fucking touch one hair on my cat's head,

Hey! Listen, if you let us go,

Hey! Quit poundin' on the glass.

Hey! Shark!

Hey! You will die!

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hi C tells me y'all some bad motherfuckers.

Hi C,

Hi C, what the fuck is this, huh?

Hi C!

Hi C.

Hi, baby.

Hi!

Hi!

Him

His name is Cheddar, and he is a bad motherfucker.

Hmm.

Hmm...

Holding that ****a New Jack as we speak.

Holding up a liquor store.

Holy shit!

Holy shit.

Holy Shit.

Holy shit.

Honey, I'm sorry I can't come with you guys this weekend.

Hot Party Vixens.

How are you? How you doing?

How are you'!

How do you know?

How much you want for him?

How old were you'?

HPV.

Hulka said this is a crazy drug dealer named Cheddar.

Hulka!

Hulka'? ls everything okay?

Hulka's house.

Hundred, 101.

I ain't help you kill them people.

I ain't scared.

I ain't some punk ass bitch who's gonna be intimidated by y'all nerds!

I am doing something that Hannah asked.

I am not breaking the law.

I am so sorry, buddy.

I bet you, out there somewhere

I can see why he did all of that for you.

I can'! get into it right now.

I can't speak to that.

I could tell you like girls.

I dare you

I did not help you.

I did not know that. See?

I didn't tell you about the calendar. Check it.

I didn't want to ruin your weekend.

I didn't...

I do have some news for you, though.

I do it for corporate...

I do not sound like Richard Pryor

I do not sound like Richard Pryor doing an impression of a white guy.

I don? know the man personally.

I don't do team building for drug rings.

I don't drive.

I don't even know how to fuckin' drive!

I don't even know if you remember this.

I don't fucking know how that worked.

I don't know what I'm saying.

I don't know what to tell you, brother.

I don't know,

I don't know, it's a real fucking quandary.

I don't know.

I don't know... Wait, wait, wait. I think we're gonna need more time.

I don't understand. What does that mean?

I fuckin' know everything about hip hop.

I get that.

I got a big exchange tomorrow. I need you.

I got a knock out left hook.

I got an anti sadness strain in here.

I got one, too. Check it out.

I got the low flow toilet to put in.

I got you!

I got you!

I had a fantastic time.

I have a friend. I have a friend.

I have faith.

I heard how it went down at King Diaz's church.

I heard you had a baller crib,

I just didn't think that being in a strip club was your thing.

I just don't understand that at all.

I just want you to do me a little favor this weekend.

I just want you to know

I just was thinking about what's been going on.

I kind of liked Hi C.

I know her well enough to know that she's a woman,

I know you not gay.

I know. And you got him.

I know. Yeah. Oh.

I lost my cat.

I lost my money.

I love you.

I mean, I'm not gonna sell it.

I mean, I'm not saying I roll up, fuckin' with my AK, poppin' fools.

I mean, shit.

I mean, that's what I want, so that's what I'm gonna do.

I mean, we just walked right out of there.

I mean, what the fuck does that even mean?

I mean...

I mean... I talk like that sometimes.

I met you at the club once. Hulka. Hulka.

I might be able to get you visitor passes

I need you to fuck me right now.

I need you. I need you.

I never get to go out. I never go out.

I never had a dissatisfied customer.

I never told y'all ****as how I got this.

I once cut two dicks off.

I said drive, motherfucker!

I said I was gonna take care of you.

I said the count of three.

I said, why are you talking to me like that?

I see. I get it now,

I still gotta get mines, though.

I swear, look.

I think it means cool breeze in Hawaiian.

I think maybe we should go, like, lay down somewhere.

I think that they are going to murder us to death!

I think we need to go to the bathroom real quick

I think we'd prefer to stick to the original arrangement.

I think, in his own way,

I took Keanu to the vet.

I took them, too.

I understand, honey. It's fine.

I wanna give him to my aunt,

I wanna show y'all something. Come on.

I wanna thank you for earlier.

I want you to meet

I wanted to see that movie. Hannah would never go see that with me.

I was just telling these guys

I was just trying to say that, usually in Allentown,

I was thinking I would hold on to the cat.

I will not sell drugs. I can't sell drugs, Rell.

I will shoot you.

I wish that I could be more help.

I would imagine that it's a tough job for a woman to be here.

I'll explain it to you tomorrow.

I'll flip the fuck outta that shit tomorrow.

I'll fuck with him.

I'll fuck with that ****a.

I'll give you New Jack as a gesture of respect.

I'll guide you from there.

I'll let him know you're coming.

I'm about to leave, anyway, so...

I'm Bud.

I'm building a motorcycle.

I'm doing me!

I'm flattered. Thank you.

I'm from Detroit. Detroit public school system.

I'm fuckin' ready, Techtonic.

I'm going, I'm going.

I'm gonna advise that.

I'm gonna let you two talk about that other thing.

I'm gonna need two things, though.

I'm gonna put Keanu in his little nook.

I'm gonna take this moustache and I'm just gonna go like...

I'm gonna take you on a date.

I'm having an amazing time, and these are not bad people.

I'm here because my place got broken into.

I'm here for a very specific reason.

I'm here for you, buddy.

I'm here just to ask you some questions. Like,

I'm Hi C.

I'm just like, where am I?

I'm just messing with you, man.

I'm more one of them pipe smokin' ****as, you know.

I'm not fuckin' around.

I'm not jeopardizing my family by selling drugs, okay?

I'm not saying it's not a good song.

I'm not standing up for them.

I'm not Tech. I'm not Tech. I'm Rell. Clarence.

I'm not your slave.

I'm psyched for this movie, man.

I'm saying we should be listening to this.

I'm saying...

I'm so fucking high right now. I'm not even sure you're real.

I'm sorry, bitch ass ****as?

I'm sorry, but I'm gonna have to take that blanket back.

I'm sorry, no.

I'm sorry, sir. I apologize.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I just have a lot of personality.

I'm sure that this Cheddar guy is gonna be reasonable about money.

I'm Techtonic.

I'm Techtonic.

I'm Techtonic.

I'm tellin' ya. Girls, right? Raising girls is the best.

I'm unkillable.

I'm your spirit teacher.

I'm, like, jacked up from that movie!

I'm, uh...

I'ma punch you in the head.

I'ma show these guys how to keep watch.

I've got all that doing me stuff out of the way,

I've never heard you talk to me like that before.

I've starred getting into selling some heavier shit,

If I can get a moment to discuss with my colleague.

If they like Shark Tank more than Techtonic.

If they're not in a closed session!

If you meet a guy named Fluffy Pink Bunny Head,

Iglesias?

Impossible. Guaranteed the guys who kicked my ass

In a sense,

In fact, it's of the strip club variety,

In most burglaries, the guys are never caught.

In samurai times,

Inappropriate?

Inconspicuous, least hardcore,

Is a cross between PCP,

Is our communication skills.

Is that necessary?

Is truth.

Isn't your cat here? We need to get the cat.

It ain't gonna be like you think.

It ain't like my fuckin' lifestyle is some secret.

It can't be that bad if she didn't say.

It does, don't it'? Yeah, yeah. I mean,

It doesn't have to be that hard.

It hurts so bad, you don't even know.

It's Anna Faris, the actress.

It's Anna Faris, the actress.

It's been a long ass time since we heard that.

It's complicated.

It's just I've got all that stuff to do around the house.

It's just milk.

It's just the beginning.

It's kind of like we killed them together.

It's like black Jesus up in here.

It's me. You all right?

It's not about the degrading of women or anything.

It's not turn out, it's turn up“!

It's over.

It's this cat right there!

It's what the kids are doing.

Juan?

Just don't move, all right?

Just find the space. In here!

Just give us a little bit more time.

Just say some... Yeah, dawg?

Just take a little time to think about my offer.

Just...

Keanu Reeves?

Keanu!

Keanu!

Keanu!

Keanu!

Keanu!

Keanu!

Keanu!

Keanu!

Keanu!

Keanu!

Keanu!

Keanu.

Keanu.

Keanu.

Keanu's a cutie.

Kill this motherfucker.

Let me break it down right quick.

Let me show you how we smoke weed in Allentown.

Let me tell you about Allentown standards.

Let's flip the subject and go flip some Holy Shit.

Let's get some tunes goin' in this motherfucker.

Let's go.

Let's just say he made me uncomfortable.

Let's move on. What about you?

Life!

Light this bitch up!

Like Shaq or Steven Seagal.

Like, end his life so the motherfucker expires?

Like, for what?

Listen up, ****as.

Listen, the cops are here now.

Listen' this is life.

Look, come on, man...

Look, Keanu needs you.

Look, take anything. It's all yours, okay'?

Look, there's money. Look at all the drugs around you, man.

Look, you just want to stay in there, okay?

LOOK.

Lord save me now, please!

Los Phantomas?

Lost in Translation?

Love that man.

Luis'?

Maisie broke up with me.

Make sure you got your keys.

Man, fuck!

Man, George Michael the shit, man!

Man, the Blips.

Man.

Maybe it's someone that you're selling all of this marijuana to.

Maybe Keanu will come back, or maybe he'll...

Maybe we didn't wanna be seent.

Maybe we should go somewhere.

Maybe you'll like being a bad motherfucker.

Maybe, just maybe,

MDMA and DMT.

Me?

Mmm hmm.

Mmm hmm.

Mmm hmm.

Mmm hmm. Mmm hmm.

Mmm hmm. Okay.

Mmm hmm. You wanna... I go first.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Mmm. But I couldn't have done it without you.

Mmm...

Mmm...

Mom, not now!

More than they like Techtonic!

Most fucked up?

Motherfucker!

Motherfuckin' soccer mom, Full House thing.

Moustache in here... I'm gonna put my 'stache

Move it!

Move!

Moved you in The House Bunny, by the way.

My man.

My name is Shark Tank.

My name is Shark Tank.

My weed dealer.

N word. Went straight to the N word.

Nah, actually, it made the news,

Nah, I think it's more like you murdered them on your own.

Nah, man.

Nah, ****a.

Nah!

Nah.

Nah.

Nah.

Nah.

Nah. Fuck that. You comin' with.

Nah. I don't fuck with that Holy Shit.

Nala.

****a, ****a...

****a...

****as gonna stop thinkin' they own bitches?

****as is in here caking and shit.

****as, this is George Michael, right here.

No fuckin' way these guys could be the Phantomas, man.

No more Hollywood talk. I'm so sick of this bullshit.

No problem.

No stupid ass ****a in his right mind

No, don't shut that door. No, no, no.

No, I can't do it.

No, I wouldn't want to exploit Keanu's cuteness like that.

No, I'm not here for weed, man.

No, it is not in my experience.

No, no, no, please!

No, no, no, you need a bath.

No, no, no!

No, no, no!

No, no, no!

No, no, no! Not Grandmaster. Not Grandmaster, please!

No, no, no.

No, no, no. There's no way, sir.

No, no, no. We're here, we're here, you're good.

No, no, please don?!

No, no. Look, you got all this money around, man.

No, no. Not like that. Come on, just...

No, not the fucking knife.

No, Rell! Whoa!

No, Rell. Hannah would...

No, this was a bad idea.

No, you're not rolling up,

No!

No!

No!

No! Come on! I didn't do shit!

No! No, it was not us.

No! Please!

No! What is that one'?

No?

No? How about now, ****a?

No.

No.

No.

No.

No. No Micah this weekend.

No. No top secret missions goin' on.

No. No. I...

Nope, Clarence.

Not 5. Too old.

Not 5. Too old.

Not good.

Not really.

Not that you can't,

Nothing makes sense anymore.

Now drop your weapons!

Now we all know things about each other.

Now, I know y'all ain't gonna turn down 20 G's.

Now, I know you don't want to hear this right now,

Now, we'll talk about it later.

Now! On your knees!