Mr. Woodcock (2007) Edit

A big titted, blonde tramp.

A blonde chick rolled up in that car...

A couple of years ago. But it was all Woodcock.

A fish tank?

A lot. l couldn't help it. l was a sex addict.

A screw up like that can put you in a wheelchair.

A tie for Christmas, Farley? Set of ten!

Aah!

About 10 minutes after you said good night to me.

About the ''nailing your mother'' comment there.

About this high with his chubby little cheeks.

According to my syllabus...

Actually l do. Uh, he was a teacher of mine, years ago.

Actually l remember you pretty well.

Actually, l've always kinda had a crush on Woodcock.

Actually, you're not known for your meat, Woodcock.

After last night, you know

After your father died. l think you were 6.

Again and again and again.

Ah

Ah, l'll get you a copy.

Ah!

Ahem. So he saved your life, then?

All l want is for just you two to get along.

All l've got so far is a van but but at least it's a start, right?

All right, here we go. Keep chewing that corn!

All right, let's go.

All right, Mr. Farley. 20 seconds.

All right, that's it, Palumbo. lt's go time.

All right, well, then, um...

All right!

All right. l'm going in.

All right. Well, take care of yourself, OK?

All the girls at school love him. l mean, he's hilarious.

Am.

Am. Ha ha ha.

America is waiting. You look great.

An entire generation of children.

And against adults, too!

And all of a sudden my leg seizes up and l go under.

And also l'm starting my own pool cleaning business.

And as it turns out, the thing that makes my mom happy...

And at 0800 hours...

And disturbing all at the same time.

And he died because of Woodcock.

And he is just so easy to be with.

And he's gonna be part of our family.

And here we go, corn testants! And may the best

And instead of going to detention l did 6 years in juvi.

And it magically sells a million copies.

And it was heaven.

And l get the honorees up on stage...

And l just didn't want to disappoint you, Mom.

And l'm not just saying this...

And l'm not that fat little loser anymore...

And l'm sure for your part you're a little sorry too.

And make Forest Meadow proud.

And next thing you know, Uncle Bob's in the hospital.

And now you're giving him an award for it?

And Platts, don't think l'm not watching you.

And saw your feet off.

And see some guy messing around under the Christmas tree...

And spin him like a top.

And tell me about the pop fly rule as it pertains to kickball.

And that winner is, again...

And that's because he pushed me.

And then l'll meet you on the connecting flight in St. Louis.

And then pick me up at Alterman's.

And then they want to take you home, tie you up...

And then we're gonna finish this effing fiasco...

And we all drink for different reasons.

And went into Woodcock's house.

And what about your book, chapter 14?

And you don't know him like l do.

And you ran away from the baby sitter...

And you'll never guess who's sitting next to me.

And, in a really weird way...

And, uh, he's marrying my mom.

And, uh, your mother's got a little Woodcock in her.

Anything happens, honk the horn, you understand me?

Appreciate it.

Are the corn testants ready for this?

Are you all right?

Are you gonna be a loser, Farley?

Are you guys out of your minds?

Are you OK?

Are you simple, boy?

Are you sure? l mean

Are you wearing make up?

Arrgh!

At point blank range.

Aw, that is so sweet.

Aw. You have to admit, they're kind of cute together.

Aww.

Bad boy!

Basically sorry?

Be safe.

Because when we're prepared...

Before he's even married?

Begin!

Between those great old titties and go, ''Brrrrrrr!

Beverly and l have a little announcement.

Big old big old titties

Big time.

Both of my fellas are being honored in the same week.

Bring it, bro!

But because of your lack of focus...

But breaking and entering, that's another.

But don't be sad.

But first l have to pee. Where's the bathroom?

But God, l just want to stick my face...

But he's mean, and he's cruel.

But if you do not know your shit she will gut you like a fish.

But in the hands of someone properly trained...

But in your book don't you say...

But it does prove he's a huge dick.

But it's just that's that's what's important.

But Jasper is a good person.

But l gotta be in the car with you.

But l've been thinking about meat all day long.

But look, l have amazing news. Oprah...

But she's in heaven now.

But since my reputation's on the line, l called in a favor.

But some of them want an autograph and a handshake...

But that's only true if the past...

But this time, l'm gonna get inside his head...

But to address it in the present, right?

But we're getting married...

But what?

But when they do it's the highlight of the whole cornival.

But with your help l'm starting to get my self confidence back.

By itself, a basketball is just a round sack of air.

By killing him?

By letting go, do you mean we should just forget everything?

By the time you leave these doors...

Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Call me.

Can l get you something to drink?

Can you believe it? The Woodcock pan pizza?

Can you imagine blacking out from sheer pleasure?

Can't hang on!

Chapter 1 2. Never interfere in other people's lives.

Chapter 10. You're totally right.

Check it out. Woodcock's stuffing this dude's mom.

Chocolate, please.

Come home crying every day after school?

Come on, Farley!

Come on, Farley! Step up the pace!

Come on, Farley. Move it.

Come on, Jasper.

Come on, Johnny. Stay, help us celebrate.

Come on, let's go.

Come on, Scooter. Get that mask off of me.

Come on, wrestle an old man!

Come on, wrestle an old man!

Come on. You were paying attention, weren't you?

Come to get your ears lowered?

Coming down to the end now.

Communication.

Conversation leads to inspiration, right?

Corn carnival. Cornival.

Could you try?

Damn it, Clark!

Dickhead!

Did you ever think of how l felt...

Didn't you screw that up enough the first time?

Digging up the past muddies up the present?

Do me a favor. Snag my bears.

Do you actually think you're tougher than me?

Do you remember Mr. Spanger?

Do you remember what

Doesn't actually affect the present.

Dogs don't strangle cats. Sadistic gym teachers do.

Don't be modest. l l l love your book.

Don't even think about it!

Don't make me lie on Christmas.

Don't make me lie on Christmas.

Don't mention it.

Don't rush your life.

Don't you even think about letting go.

Don't you think you're being a little harsh with them?

Educator of the Year.

Eenie, meanie, miney...

Every day after school?

Everyone is required to wear regulation gym shorts and shirt.

Everything's going to shit right now, OK?

Exactly.

Excuse me. Do you have a visitors' pass?

Excuse me. Hi. Could l get a real bottle, please?

Excuse us!

Farley, l'm just saying...

Farley, pass the ball.

Farley.

Farley.

Farley.

Farley's mom is hot. l mean, yes, she's old and shit...

Fine, good, whatever you need.

Fine! Run, you pussy!

For Christ's sakes, it was just a P.E. class, you fruitcake.

For me?

For people who brought the appropriate attire.

For people who can spell fancy words...

For the past 26 years, Jasper Woodcock's name...

For what it's worth, l want you to be with Jasper.

Forget the book! Just forget it!

Gelatinous, out of shape little kids the world over.

Gelatinous, out of shape little kids the world over.

Get it together, and point me to the nearest liquor store.

Get on...plane tomorrow.

Get the rentals, Farley.

Get those arms up!

Get to know each other better, you know?

Get up, Farley.

Get up, Henderson.

Getting to know each other better...

Given to those who go off into the world...

Go away, John. Leave me alone.

Go home, dig up Raisins, perform an autopsy on him...

Go, Jasper!

God, can you imagine my family with Woodcock in it?

God, l'm so glad l wrote that book!

God, you must get so laid.

Good hands, Nedderman. Take a lap.

Good. Meet me at my place as soon as possible.

Got a white male, 50s, possible concussion.

Great tension. Hey, hey, keep your hand off your neighbor's cob!

Great. We'll have a great night. All of us.

Gutierrez, go get the rentals.

Ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha! Wait a minute. What year were you in again?

Ha ha ha! Yes! Whoo! You got beat, sweetheart!

Ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha. lt was great.

Ha ha ha. OK, John, take care. He's helping people.

Ha ha ha. Well?

Ha ha ha. Yes.

Ha!

Ha! Harder than it looks!

Ha! l've got it. l'm gonna break them up.

Ha! That's a great story.

Half a cob doesn't count.

Has been synonymous with the words ''physical education''.

Have we heard a congratulations yet?

He called the cops.

He coxes them in the teachers' lounge.

He did behind your back when you were married.

He doesn't need your help, Farley.

He has this little game that we play with his whistle.

He killed one of my classmates.

He killed one of my classmates.

He made all of us miserable.

He said Woodcock. Woodcock threw that chair!

He seems like a really nice guy.

He treats us just like everyone else.

He was the cutest kid.

He was the first man that l tried to date...

He's a big part of who l am today.

He's fine. Kreamer, off your knees.

He's marrying her.

He's not what you think.

He's so handsome and he's he's sweet and consid

He's still teaching gym.

He's still what?

He's the best selling author of Letting Go...

He's, um...

Heads up, Farley.

Heads up, Nedderman.

Hee hee hee.

Hell, yeah. l work here full time...

Hello, smoking gun.

Hello?

Her name is Sally Jensen.

Here comes the thunder, Woodcock!

Here's another one of my favorites.

Hey, game face. Let's put the hillbilly drama on hold.

Hey, guys. How are you doing?

Hey, hey, guys, come on. Show a little respect.

Hey, Jasper. How about we spend the day together?

Hey, John, how you doing?

Hey, nice shot!

Hey, spare me the self help crap, OK?

Hey, Tracy.

Hey, you look like you could stand...

Hey! Where are you going?

Hey...it's Tracy.

Hey...there she is!

Hi, l'm John's mom.

Hm.

Hold on a second.

Holy shit. Well, when did he die?

Home of the former Mrs. Woodcock.

Hometown hero in the flesh right here in my own living room.

Honey, l thought you were in danger.

Honey, where were you?

Honey? Hi, are you home?

Honey.

How are you gonna do that?

How down on her luck must your momma be to marry a gym teacher?

How the hell do you think l'm doing?

How would you feel if Woodcock was porking your mom?

How you want to be treated, l guess that's all right.

If he could just forget about that summer in Uncle Lou's house.

If Woodcock was giving it to my mom.

In its use and skilled in its art.................

In personal responsibility.

Is because you don't believe in yourself, Farley!

Is gonna talk to you live...

Is seriously considering your book for the book club.

Is you.

It was Woodcock that threw the chair.

It's hard to believe, huh?

It's totally changed my life!

Jackass!

Jasper and l are no longer dating.

Jasper said that he thought you seemed upset today.

Jasper Woodcock.

Jasper, l'm still upset with you.

Jasper, why are you on that gurney?

Jasper, you charmer. Oh!

Jasper!

Jasper! Oh, my God.

Jesus Christ!

Jesus, are you insane?

John, l have been alone on that float for 20 years.

John, l haven't shit my pants...

John, you don't have time for this.

John, you don't mind running to the store, do you?

John.

Johnny, are you all right?

Johnny, are you all right?

Johnny, do you ever think of...

Johnny, don't you have something to say?

Johnny, um...

Just angry and bitter and alone.

Just drive, Nedderman.

Just get your ass on that plane!

Just give it another shot.

Just let go, Woodcock.

Keep it in your pants.

Keep your mouth shut and you get your cheesy bread, all right?

Kicking your ass or nailing your mother.

Kreamer, first rule of Bunting.

L Guess not.

L l l'd like to keep it that way.

L am going to, uh, the ladies room.

L called 911, didn't l?

L can afford it.

L can't believe you don't remember him.

L can't do it, OK? l wrote it, l know what's in it!

L can't take this book anymore!

L could if you weren't such a fat ass!

L did it because l wanted my mom to be happy.

L didn't ask you, did l, Weaver?

L didn't do anything. You did it.

L didn't know fat kids ate their vegetables.

L don't even think l can hold a pen anymore.

L don't give a shit!

L don't know what l'm gonna enjoy more tonight...

L don't know what to do! l don't know what to do!

L don't know what you guys like to do...

L don't know, honey, but l'm here to say that...

L don't think Mr. Woodcock's right for you.

L don't think you got the backbone to win her back.

L don't tolerate losers in my gymnasium.

L don't tolerate losers in my gymnasium.

L feel great.

L go to my dad's closet...

L got something to show you.

L guess l just wanted to say l'm sorry.

L guess l just wanted to say...

L had a lot of fat kids over the years.

L had a revelation.

L had minor surgery a few years back.

L had minor surgery a few years back.

L have certain obligations. l'm still the Corn Cob Queen.

L heard your news and l tried to call you but now you're here!

L invented believing in yourself.

L just wanna warn you, Farley. l'm a card carrying member of the N.R.A.

L knew l had to have him on The Tyra Show.

L know this is gonna be hard for you to believe, coming from me.

L know you have some kind of corn chowder thing on Sunday...

L know, honey, but you know how l get...

L love you too.

L love you, Mom. lt's great to see you.

L love your book.

L mean, come on, you guys, give it up for mommas everywhere!

L mean, for 26 years...

L mean, is there any question that he strangled this girl's cat?

L mean, it was just the 2 of us for 3 days...

L mean, just, l don't know, the way he he carries himself.

L mean, l would not be where l am today were it not

L mean, seriously, why can't you be nice to people?

L mean, she still rides in the parade every year.

L mean, you totally deserve the award.

L mean, your book is inspiring...

L meant that in the most respectful way possible.

L named my kid after Woodcock.

L once saw a 4 foot Laotian...

L read your book.

L really do.

L really wish l had you as an English teacher.

L respect your feelings and your decision. l

L screwed up, OK?

L shouldn't have meddled. l

L think a little equipment check is in order.

L think his hearing aid is on the fritz.

L think it was about...

L think it's time Woodcock and l had a talk.

L think l can handle it.

L think l have a clean glass around here somewhere.

L think that'd be best.

L think you'll survive.

L thought l was doing the right thing.

L thought you were gonna ride with us. l was worried.

L thought you would apologize for

L thought you...had me.

L wanna start spreading the news.

L want my cheesy bread!

L was actually your 7th grade lab partner.

L was flying in. l wanted to surprise you.

L would have paid way more attention in class.

L...just totally lost my head.

L'd...love to but l l can't.

L'll get you some milk.

L'll give it 6 months. Oh, l'll outlive this marriage. And you!

L'm l'm sorry. What? You cheated on him?

L'm already past my past.

L'm an alcoholic, not a Barbie doll.

L'm basically sorry.

L'm glad we're doing this.

L'm going to teach my class now. Do you want to go to the pool?

L'm gonna give you a good old fashioned Nebraska ass whipping...

L'm just trying to tell you, don't rush, OK?

L'm not gonna ask you again, Palumbo.

L'm on an airplane heading for Chicago.

L'm sorry about that. You want a slice on the house?

L'm sorry you feel that way.

L'm sorry, guys.

L'm sorry, he seems to be in pain.

L'm sorry, Mom.

L'm sorry, you hicks just crack me up.

L'm sorry. Did you just say cornival?

L'm sorry. l guess it must have slipped my mind.

L'm sorry. l know you hate to hear that.

L'm sorry. l'll call you tomorrow.

L'm sorry. Sorry.

L'm telling you, my gun was messed up.

L'm telling you, that man knows how to use...

L'm the big winner 'cause this is my house, bitch!

L'm the big winner. l win!

L'm the coach now.

L'm trying to save your life!

L'm waiting for my clothes to dry.

L'm...sorry.

L've already got 2 strikes and l can't be a part of

L've got cheerleading practice.

L've had the biggest crush on you since the 7th grade.

L've read your book like 900 times...

Ladies and gentlemen, John Farley!

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner!

Last month... we went camping.

Let alone excel in it.

Let go of me!

Let me give you the same advice l gave Nelson Mandela...

Let me see this. See.

Let's go to Cornival. Let's have a good time tonight.

Let's go.

Let's hear from some of the people...

Lf it means anything at all...

Lf l can learn something about Woodcock's past...

Lf only someone had warned you!

Lf that's what you want, then fine, but l don't think it is.

Lf you didn't want a haircut you didn't have to get one.

Lf you don't mind my asking, why did you divorce?

Like at dinner, with the check, and uh...

Like many of you.

Like there's been some tension between us.

Listen, John, about last night.

Listen, l have a class to teach...

Listen, l'm the one who should be apologizing, OK?

Listen, uh...

Listen, we could be pals.

Lnfidelity.

Lnto the pool!

Long day.

Look at them gnaw on that corn!

Look, don't worry about him. He's fine.

Look, l don't care if your granny's on fire.

Look, l love my mom. We're very, very close.

Looks like a panda to me, sir. Nice job.

Lose the attitude.

Lot of losers out there, l guess.

Ls that a compliment?

Ls that asking too much?

Lt

Lt it's not healthy being such a dick all the time.

Lt seems to me that someone needs a lesson...

Lt was a bad cramp. And if l remember correctly...

Lt wasn't me that threw the chair at him...

Lt's a major theme of my book.

Lt's a rhetorical question, Farley.

Lt's an honor to be considered worthy of the Corn Cob Key.

Lt's called a suplex, Farley.

Lt's called Letting Go. How To Get Past Your Past.

Lt's coming back to me.

Lt's crap! l'm done with it, OK?

Lt's good to see you, Mr. Woodcock.

Lt's just a pair of clippers.

Lt's like this bravado and...l don't know.

Lt's my book, Farley.

Lt's never the gun, Farley, it's always the hunter.

Lt's not about being sensitive, Mom.

Lt's not every day you get to shake hands with a celebrity.

Lt's not like you deserve the extra effort...

Lt's OK, Farley. l know how to cheer her up.

Lt's one of my favorites.

Lt's too late.

Lt's unbelievable. l have you on a 9:30 flight out...

Lt's your name, isn't it?

Luke Jessop, uh, Forest Meadow Town Council.

Maggie, l can't.

Maggie, the Corn Cob Key is a huge honor.

Maggie?

Makes sense.

Man, just hold on a second. l got another call.

Man, look, we can't blame Woodcock for Oates's choices.

Maybe you don't mind smelling like a nut sack all day...

Maybe you should spit it out now...

Merry Christmas, Farley.

Merry Christmas, Woodcock.

Mm!

Mm.

Mmmm! Ha ha!

Mmmmm. Mmmmmm.

Mmmmmm!

Mom, are you OK?

Mom, for an emotional cripple like Woodcock...

Mom, l'm so sorry about last night.

Mom, l'm telling you, he's still

Mom, Mom.

Mom!

Mom?

Mom.

Most want an autograph and a handshake...

Move those legs.

Mr. Deepdish is dating my mom.

Mr. Farley, l used to feel ostracized because of my weight.

Mr. Woodcock!

Mr. Woodcock?

Mr. Woodcock.

Mrs. Farley!

My legs are as useless as your little pecker, but come on!

My mom needs me. She's about to marry the Antichrist.

My mom said he wouldn't drink so much...

My mom was Corn Cob Queen in 1970.

My name is Zoe. And last summer, my cat Raisins ran away.

My son. Do you remember him now?

Nedderman, l need you to find more dirt on Woodcock, all right?

Nedderman, turn it off.

Nedderman, we need concrete proof.

Nedderman, Woodcock's been married before.

Nedderman!

Nedderman! lt's open.

Nedderman?

Nedderman? What's going on?

Nedderman.

Nedderman.

Nice job, Scardusio. Did you get any tongue?

Nice work, Farley.

No way in hell this guy's gonna run me out of my own house.

No, but l get better suction without the choppers.

No, John, don't hang

No, l can't just tell her.

No, l didn't.

No, l don't believe you. You did not beat Santa Claus up.

No, l'm good, thanks.

No, Mr. Woodcock. Please don't hurt me again.

No, no, no. No. No. Thank you, honey.

No, no! Oh! Ow! Ow!

No, no. l'm good.

No, of course not.

No, really, it's fine.

No, sir, somebody

No, your mom is beautiful.

No! Oh, poor Uncle Bob.

No.

No.

No. A lot of losers out there, l guess.

Not even one chin up, Farley?

Not even one chin up, Farley?

Not in a weird way, of course. Just close.

Not you, Kreamer.

Now he's doing the same thing to my mom...

Now if you're not strong enough...

Now sit your ass down and get in front of the camera.

Now where is your ass and why isn't it in seat 2A?

Now, before we begin our exploration of wiffleball...

Now, before we get to the presentation...

Now, if you don't mind...

Now, l need you to find out who she is...

Now, l'm not saying there's a problem here. l don't judge.

Now, right now, my mom is on that float all by herself...

Now, then. We gotta go in there.

Oates coulda stopped running, right?

Oates, l can hear you wheezing from here.

Of course not!

Oh, because you don't like to hear when l have a date.

Oh, bro, staking out the guy's place is one thing...

Oh, come on. We'll have fun.

Oh, gee...what are you doing here?

Oh, good work! Let's go see her right now.

Oh, good. l'm done.

Oh, great.

Oh, he wasn't fat!

Oh, hey. Look, your new book.

Oh, honey. Oh, darling.

Oh, it's on.

Oh, just ask his ex wife right there, Sally Jensen.

Oh, l l teach English.

Oh, l get it. You're scared.

Oh, l love you too.

Oh, l shoulda known that you'd be here.

Oh, l think he's in shock.

Oh, l'll get it.

Oh, l'm sorry. l didn't mean to interrupt.

Oh, look, that's so nice. You've got some friends over.

Oh, my God, Jasper.

Oh, my God, what happened?

Oh, my God. That's fantastic. For how long?

Oh, my God. This is my hometown.

Oh, my gosh! Oh, my gosh! You know what l just realized?

Oh, my Lord.

Oh, OK.

Oh, really?

Oh, right. Thanks for that.

Oh, shit!

Oh, shit.

Oh, thank God. l thought l'd killed you.

Oh, that's so true, that's so true. And that is why...

Oh, they're getting ready to go so we'll just go over here.

Oh, wow.

Oh, yeah, baby! Whoo! Whooo hoo hoo!

Oh, you think this is funny?

Oh, your dad's dead?

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh! He did? Oh.

Oh! Look what l've got.

Oh! Now you're cheating!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Yes!

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh. Any time, any place.

Oh. l was just trying to help!

Oh. Um...

OK, Farley, you're up.

OK, let's move it.

OK, now remember they're all potential stalkers.

OK, Palumbo, this is your last chance.

OK, so let's go get some cotton candy and let the boys play.

OK, take me down.

OK, that's not true.

OK, this is the plan.

OK, Tyra Banks, very nice.

OK, um...

OK?

OK.

OK.

OK. So that's how it's gonna be, huh?

On his last book tour.

On my own all these years?

On the balance beam that time, were you?

On The Tyra Banks Show!

Once a woman makes her mind up...

Once and for all, OK?

Once l spoke Portuguese and l don't even know the language.

Once, l actually blacked out.

One day you'll date girls and you'll understand.

One time he grabbed me by my

Ooh!

Ooh!

Or a koi pond!

Or grandma. Put your hand down, Lewis.

Or l don't care what your answer is.

Or l'm gonna shove my arm up your ass...

Or tell you the capital of Montana.

Or you egged the car, or you did something until l just gave up.

Over and over again.

Palumbo, don't push me.

Past that stutter of yours...

Penalty!

Pick up the pace!

Please, honey.

Pretty good there, Farley?

Probably good for the old hip flexor...

Probably good for the old hip flexor...

Put me on the mat.

Quiet on set.

Quiet, please!

Ready, gentlemen!

Really wishing that you were up there with her.

Really? No, l feel great.

Really? What did you think?

Recently, uh, one of my swimmers took hold...

Remember him now?

Remember, Woodcock used to make Oates do, like, 6 miles...

Rhetorical question, Beverly!

Rhetorical question, Weaver. Take a lap.

Right from this dingy little shithole you call home.

Right here in your mommy's house.

Right there, haven't you?

Right, Clark, give me the minicam. You're on lookout.

Right.

Right. The nursing home?

Running your mouth doesn't count as exercise.

Russian headlock!

Said by the man flat on his back in an ambulance.

Sally Jensen?

Sausage and onion. Extra sauce, right?

Save it for the corn test, old man.

Saw him last week at the coffee shop with her.

See if l care!

See you, girls. That's funny, Farley.

See, my mom is my biggest inspiration too.

See, the locker room is reserved...

See?

Seems like old times, doesn't it?

Seriously. Am l the only one...

Serves them well later in life.

Set of ten, Farley.

Set of ten.

She does know what decade it is, right?

She doesn't listen to me when it comes to Woodcock.

She farts on a book...

She knows that he plays hopscotch for a living, right?

She looks awfully young to be your mom.

She was dead from stran gulation.