Weekend at Bernie's (1989) Edit

A big job. We have been working hard.

A little brownnosing, ass kissing, to work our way up that corporate ladder.

A little more gas.

A little present.

A little tuck here, little sand there, a little lift there.

A very big job.

About what?

All I have to do is just keep setting my goals and working hard...

All of this could be yours, if you set your goals and work hard.

All right, Lar.

All right. Good.

All right. Okay.

All right. See, that's better.

Amazing.

And don't try to cover up for him, either.

And how am I going to get back to the city? He promised me a ride.

And I lose again.

And I!

And I'll kill him if he's cheating on me. Now, where the hell is he?

And not have to scream and get run over by garbage trucks?

And of course my parents were rather well off.

And they are all at home doing their hair right now.

And you are late for the creative sales meeting, Mr. Lomax.

And, now, we're going back to the house of death.

Anything going on?

Are we allowed to talk or anything?

Are you dead, too?

Are you nuts?

Are you trying to give me a heart attack?

As the Big Apple becomes the Baked Apple.

As you might have heard...

Asshole!

Babes. A boat. A car.

Back it up.

Bastard!

Beautiful apartment. House at the beach.

Because I'll do it. This was all your fault.

Because there are too many people around.

Because...

Because...

Bernie has such little time, so can you come back later?

Bernie is gonna have us killed?

Bernie is waiting for us.

Bernie was...

Bernie, come on.

Bernie, he needs you, too.

Bernie, I gotta talk to you.

Bernie, I've got to talk to you.

Bernie, I've got to talk to you.

Bernie, open up.

Bernie, wait a minute.

Bernie, we are on a phone here.

Bernie, you cheat.

Bernie, you lying swine.

Bernie, you should have been on the court.

Bernie! How are you doing? Great place.

Bernie?

Bernie.

Bernie.

Besides, I figure I can thank Bernie tomorrow.

Besides...

Better get you out of the sun, huh?

Booze and women. That is my lifestyle and I love it!

Brilliant.

But how do you afford a place like this?

But I can't do that to you. Thank you.

But I just want to tell you I am sorry for being such a jerk last night.

But I'd like to go over these numbers with you...

But I've made some wise investments. I dabble in the stock market.

But if you were to look at the back page, where the policy indexes are...

But Lomax is dead. He isn't around anybody anymore.

But the look on your face when you fell through the trapdoor.

But this is ridiculous.

But we've got a problem here.

But you know where we'd be spending our weekend...

But you said we were going to spend the weekend at the beach!

By the way, how's your aunt?

Bye bye, ladies. We'll see you later.

Call me Bernie.

Can I have a cigarette?

Can just lock ourselves in until they get here?

Can we stay at your house until the cops come or what?

Can you just give me 30 seconds?

Carry your weight, here, Richard.

Cheap bastards. Turn off the air conditioning on the weekends.

Checkers. Excuse me, sir. Is this your launch?

Cigarette.

Color me old fashioned, Rich, but I just love the park on a Sunday.

Come on, baby. You're not a woman. Are you? Tell me the truth.

Come on, Bern.

Come on, Bernie.

Come on, Bernie. Up.

Come on, Larry. Move it.

Come on, let's go.

Come on, let's go. Up.

Come on, Rich.

Come on, you had too much again, you big knucklehead.

Come on! Lighten up there, Rich! We are on our way!

Come on.

Come on. He is crazy.

Coming around.

Community Chest.

Company.

Cut it out.

Darling, you look wonderful.

Darn you, Bernie.

Dead.

Different kind of dead.

Do I need that much?

Do something, Rich.

Do you hear something?

Do you want to sit?

Does anybody live up there? A lighthouse keeper or someone?

Does it?

Does that taste anything like walnut dressing? Tell me.

Does this look like 10:00, or like 10:30?

Doesn't anyone realize he's dead?

Don't be ridiculous! What are you doing? We are not jumping on this boat!

Don't do this to me.

Don't forget. Wake me up.

Don't panic.

Don't panic.

Don't slap him. That's your boss.

Don't worry about it.

Don't you see? We just uncovered a $2 million error.

Don't you worry, Mr. Lomax, we'll make you some coffee, fix you right up.

Door.

Either get on the elevator or get off.

Especially when using a fluctuating COL index to combine...

Ever been in a lighthouse before?

Ever been there? Well, you will love it.

Everybody parties from house to house, but they always end up here. Bye!

Excellent.

Excuse me, Vito.

Excuse me.

Excuse me. Is this the way to...

Feels good, eh, Bern? You are really loose.

Fell on the train.

Ferry's gonna leave.

Finally see some light at the end of the tunnel and wham! Gone!

Fists of steel.

Fix me a drink, will you?

For a couple of bright fellows like yourselves.

Forget the accident with the two guys.

Fuck off, Larry.

Fun while it lasted, huh?

Gas.

Gentlemen, what have you got for me?

Get him, Rich.

Get his legs.

Get off.

Get out of here!

Get out of there.

Get the handshake in, okay?

Get your ass out of here. It is too hot.

Get your hand off me, Bernie.

Get your pages.

Girl. Beach. Sand. Surf. Moonlight. Did you ever see Here to Eternity?

Give me $600, we'll call it square.

Give me your money and your wallets.

Give us plenty of time together, no distractions.

Glorious day out, or what?

Go ahead. Oh, God.

Go see Bernie about it. Go see Bernie.

God damn it.

God, it's glorious out, huh?

God! Just once, I'd like a woman like that.

God.

God. Look how much is here.

Good evening, young lady.

Good job.

Good weekend, Bob?

Good! It's settled.

Good.

Goodbye, Richard.

Goodbye, young man. Nice talking to you.

Got a little scotch?

Got him, Lar.

Got it? Hold the boat.

Got to move your workout to late tomorrow afternoon, B.

Grab him. Larry.

Great party last night, Bernie. Your best ever.

Great writer.

Great, I hope the killer keeps that in mind.

Great.

Gwen and I, Thursday night, 8:00 p.m., dinner.

Gwen just invited me to stay with her. What should I say?

Gwen, it's not what you think.

Gwen, listen to me.

Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is...

Hampton Bay Police Department.

Hang on, Lar.

Have fun. See you at the next one. Larry!

Have I ever told you I never liked the name Gwen on you?

He better be alone.

He can't be.

He couldn't have.

He has got a goddamn pool at the beach. It's heated.

He has got a steel plate in his head.

He looks good enough. Let's go.

He said something about a note, right?

He'd want this.

He'll just go away if you just be quiet.

He's been soaking in the ocean for two hours.

He's been working awfully hard, you know.

He's dead.

He's getting too careless...

He's got a knife.

He's got nice form.

He's gotta to be, Rich. I dumped him here myself.

He's my butler. But...

He's not. He's like dead, man. Come on, let's walk him around.

He's probably making the rounds.

He's screwing my girlfriend.

He's sleeping.

He's... He's with me.

Hello, Betty.

Hello! Bernie, we are here.

Hello?

Hello.

Hello. No, haven't seen him. But we just got here.

Her father and I, we went to Harvard together.

Here we go, sugar, move it over! Okay, baby?

Here we go.

Here we go.

Here we go. Coming out.

Here we go. Ready?

Here we go. Ready. Up.

Here we go. Walk it off, big guy.

Here you go, my friend. Buy yourself a girlfriend.

Here. Hold on.

Hey, babe.

Hey, Bernie, Larry.

Hey, Bernie!

Hey, Bernie.

Hey, Bernie. What a radical party.

Hey, dude. You need to pump some iron.

Hey, is Bernie around?

Hey, Lomax, it's Paulie. I just got to the island.

Hey, Lomax. It's Paulie. I just got to the island.

Hey, what are you doing?

Hi, Bern!

Hi, Bernie.

Hi, Bernie. I hear you got something for me.

Hi, Bernie. See you at the party tonight.

Hi, guys.

Hi, Gwen.

Hi, Tawny. I am horny.

Hi.

Hi. Wait. Okay.

His car is a bit bigger than your apartment.

Hold it.

Hold it. Hold the boat.

Hold it. Wait. Stop this for a second.

Hold on, you damn fool.

Hold that boat.

Hold the boat!

Hold the boat!

Hold up.

Honey, have a drink, relax. You'll be fine.

Hot!

How am I supposed to know that the tide is gonna come up that high?

How are you, Richard? Hot enough for you?

How are you? Party's over. You have to go home now.

How did you deal with?

How do I know, Richard? Should I stop and ask him?

How do you like that? The guy gets laid more dead than I do alive.

How do you propose to handle it?

How would you two like to come to my house at the beach?

How'd you like to kiss this?

Hurry up.

I absolutely agree. That's a terrible way to begin a relationship.

I almost drown.

I always liked you, Bernie.

I am a little rusty. But it'll come back to me.

I am home.

I am losing him. Put him on the couch.

I am so depressed. I made a fool out of myself last night.

I am sorry.

I am. That's because of the walls. They are too thin.

I bet you never had sweet and sour matzo balls before.

I came here in January, you came the end of May.

I can explain.

I can't believe I'm doing this. I am going to go $40,000.

I can't blame you if you never want to speak to me again.

I didn't see anything. I was looking at my watch.

I don't believe I am hearing this.

I don't believe this, she's...

I don't believe this.

I don't believe you.

I don't get it.

I don't know what got into me. I hope you can forgive me.

I don't know why I have to carry the heavy guy.

I don't know.

I don't know. Wanna leave a message?

I don't like to brag.

I don't mean to be rude, but get the hell out of here.

I don't really know any of those people. I just know, knew, know Bernie.

I don't understand why he couldn't wait until Monday to kill himself.

I don't understand why this is becoming all my fault.

I don't want to talk about it.

I feel I can trust you.

I feel lucky.

I fell down a lighthouse. I had a corpse wash up...

I finally catch a break at the office...

I found him. Mr. Lomax.

I get to this beautiful beach and my host... Sorry, he's dead.

I get yelled at when I just lay there.

I give it an 8.3.

I give problems. I don't get problems.

I got an idea.

I got Bernie, you get the guy.

I got it right here. It says it's the last house on the point, top of the dune.

I got the $2 million. Where are your pages?

I got to call the cops.

I got to go powder my nose.

I got you now, you two timing bastard.

I had a wonderful time. I'm sorry I had to leave so early.

I hate Bernie's friends.

I hate it when he stares at me like that.

I hate it when they scream.

I hate to say this, but it appears as if somebody is trying...

I have never even been on a boat.

I have to see you, Bernie.

I haven't got a clue.

I hear the party Saturday night is better than Friday, actually.

I hope my major medical covers it.

I hope you don't mind, but we just walked in. We didn't know that you...

I hope your aunt feels better.

I just came by to talk to Bernie. I didn't get a chance to last night, so...

I just don't feel comfortable with most of those people.

I just feel uncomfortable showing off my money...

I just gotta lie down for a minute.

I just saw you with him.

I know how important food is to you, I mean...

I know it's going to sound funny, but just hear me out.

I know that. You know that.

I know you think I'm crazy, but...

I know. He's meditating.

I like it. It's creative.

I like it. It's home.

I love this man.

I loved that man. He loved me.

I made these a little sweeter this time. Okay, Bernie?

I mean a place like this must go for what, a $1.6 million, $1.7 million. Unfurnished.

I mean he would really want this.

I mean my father is Mr. Lomax, right?

I mean this is just my luck.

I mean this is really good. Good.

I mean we could go to Jones Beach and float around in the hospital waste.

I must thank you. This has been a great date.

I need to talk to you.

I never knew he was into the drug scene.

I never knew he wore a toupee. You can hardly tell.

I only have a key to the boat.

I own it. Okay, that is $24...

I own them all. $46, my friend. Call it $50.

I probably shouldn't, I know I shouldn't, but...

I read.

I saw this great play. Yeah, it's called...

I see.

I think I found something.

I think I found something.

I think I've got a cracked rib.

I think we are going to have some fun.

I think you have done the place beautifully.

I told everyone we were going to Bernie's house for the weekend.

I told Vito I was going to spend some time with my mother!

I tried to kill him.

I want you to turn to Page 41 now.

I was born on a boat.

I was once on the Staten Island Ferry with my folks...

I watch 20/20. I know the statistics.

I wish you had asked me out sooner.

I won. I have a date.

I won't even have to change the books.

I would love it more if we didn't have to work today. Come on, let's go.

I'd invite you to my apartment, but I have five roommates.

I'd like to just keep it confidential.

I'd rather not say.

I'll be back.

I'll be right back.

I'll even drive you back to the city myself on Monday. Okay?

I'll get you all, one by one.

I'll just have to take my business to another dealer.

I'll let him chase me, you try and call the cops, okay?

I'll make the coffee.

I'll never lie again. Honest.

I'll plant some money, fake a note, and they can take the rap and...

I'll wear something special.

I'm blind.

I'm gonna rip your gums out!

I'm gonna tear this place apart.

I'm his woman.

I'm Larry.

I'm not going anywhere without Bernie.

I'm phoning the police.

I'm pressing. I pressed that button.

I'm sorry. I don't mean to laugh...

I'm telling you the truth! Bernie is here.

I'm very impressed.

I've always wanted a limp.

I've always wondered how these things work.

I've got no idea.

I've got to get off the boat.

I've never been chased by a killer before.

Idea.

If anything has to go, I am glad it's my vision...

If he's not careful, he's going to wake up dead.

If I were you, I wouldn't want to speak to me, either.

If it wasn't for me you'd be fired six months ago.

If she finds out you live with your folks, you will embarrass yourself.

If you two uncovered what I think you uncovered...

If you would like, we'll work late.

In some hot police station answering questions we don't know the answers to.

Is "dump" the word you are groping for?

Is this guy a tough negotiator or what?

Is this the intimate evening I promised you, or what?

It is for me. I'm dead. No offense, Bernie.

It is going to be the four "H's": hot, humid, hazy, and horrible.

It is Labor Day.

It is the cockroaches, isn't it?

It started when I almost broke my leg jumping on a moving ferry.

It was a very good effort. You'll get her next time.

It was kind of funny, seeing your father in his underwear and everything.

It'd be almost disrespectful not to grant him his final wish.

It's all right. You're doing very well.

It's amazing.

It's either that or living with my parents, and I don't think that's a good idea.

It's got my name on it.

It's got to be in here somewhere.

It's Gwen.

It's happening to both of us. You're right. It's so right.

It's home.

It's just Bernie.

It's just that some men would try to impress women by...

It's locked.

It's my turn now.

It's New York City. There are always too many people.

It's not even dark out and he's out of his skull.

It's on the point, top of the dune.

It's the only way to get there, unless you have a boat. I don't know.

Jesus.

Jesus.

Jesus.

Jesus.

Jesus. He's behind us.

Jesus. That guy.

Just a couple of days until Gwen leaves for school.

Just a little closer. Just get the two of us.

Just for a bit?

Just get here as fast as you can. Thanks, Ed.

Just to make sure that you've gotten everything.

Just use your key. All right?

Kill us?

Kitchen.

Knock it off, Larry. Who cares about a ride? We are talking death here.

Larry and I have been reprogramming the accounts on the new computer system.

Larry and I have been, I mean, working.

Larry, are you in there?

Larry, just give me 10 minutes, okay?

Larry, let me out.

Larry, please tell me how we're going to get off this island.

Lawrence, you done real good. I'm proud of you.

Let me open that for you, all right?

Let's check out the rest of this joint.

Let's get out of here.

Let's go.

Let's go.

Let's go.

Let's just shove him in the bedroom, we'll say he's sleeping.

Let's make it a murder suicide job. All right?

Lie on the deck, catch those rays. Don't worry. I'll help myself.

Like you said "smoke it past the wrong guy"...

Listen to me, Larry, we are not jumping on this boat!

Lomax told whoever he was talking to not to kill us if he's around, right?

Lomax's boat.

Look at him. He's alive.

Look at Lomax.

Look at this teak. I mean this whole apartment.

Look even nicer crumpled up on my floor in the morning.

Look here, a package containing short term and straight life policies...

Look me in the eye. $50,000.

Look, if you can't do it for me...

Look, Paulie, don't kill them while I am around.

Look, Paulie, just don't kill them while I'm around.

Look, Paulie...

Look, we'll find it. Okay.

Look. We have to call the police.

Lucky seven coming out.

Made a damn good float though.

Make sure he's wrapped up good.

Me? Oh, no, thanks. I'll just tough it out here at Bernie's.

Mister, can I bury you?

Mister? Hello?

Move it.

Mr. Lomax invited me and my friend Larry for the weekend.

Mr. Lomax.

Mr. Parker, Mr. Lomax will see you now.

My aunt is very sick.

My aunt? The sick aunt. Yes, she is fine.

My boss. I work for him at the insurance company.

My God.

My God. Look at her.

My God. Look at them.

My God. You can see the whole island from up here.

My old man worked hard. All they did was give him more work.

My secretary will write down the directions...

Next to me on the shore.

Nice outfit.

No one is going to have a sex change operation.

No smoking.

No trade. Strictly cash.

No, absolutely not.

No, but thank you. That's sweet.

No, gentlemen, I really must be going. Thanks for dinner, Vito.

No, he didn't.

No, I better not. The way things are going, I'm gonna break my ass.

No, I love it. I mean, it's very hip.

No, I only want the Maserati if it comes in that jet black.

No, I think we should call the police.

No, I'm not going anywhere until you tell me what is going on.

No, It's all automated now. Come on.

No, Richard. I trained you.

No, thanks. This is strange. Where's our host?

No, we'll stand out here all weekend. Come on, we are houseguests.

No, why is the hair on the back of my neck starting to stand up?

No, you know, you were right. Bernie would have wanted it this way.

No!

No.

No. It wasn't us.

No. Just drive. Just go.

No. This isn't right, it's all wrong. Not here in the sand.

Not the piano. The painting. It's an original.

Nothing but champagne and caviar. Pierre JouÎt.

Nothing.

Now I'm gonna take a week off.

Now I'm really mad!

Now what?

Now you are wasting my time.

Now, don't flagellate yourself over this, Richard.

Now, obviously Bernie felt he owed us something here...

Obviously.

Of course it is.

Of course you did.

Oh, beautiful.

Oh, Christ. Will you shut that thing off?

Oh, God!

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Oh, God. What the hell are those things?

Oh, God. You're just a sick man, Larry.

Oh, hello.

Oh, Jesus. What is it with this place?

Oh, my God, Richard!

Oh, my God! You are not going to believe what you see!

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. He has got a pool.

Oh, my God. This can't be happening to me.

Oh, no, you are wrong. Look.

Oh, no!

Oh, shit.

Oh, yeah!

Oh, yeah.

Okay, Bernie, I'm going to shoot the wad.

Okay, Bernie.

Okay, coming out. My turn.

Okay, I'm gonna prove it to you. Come on.

Okay, now, we could call the police, we could do that...

Okay, wise ass, do you know what side I'm supposed to pass on?

Okay?

Okay? That's it? No arguments?

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay. I'll tell the engineer.

Okay. I'll tell you.

Okay. Shut up.

Okay. The keys.

Okay. Untie us.

Old Bernie here owes you both a great deal. I mean it sincerely.

On the front page of the Sunday Times book section.

One in December of '87, another in April of '88, and two more in June.

Oriental? I think I own that one.

Paddling in the Atlantic Ocean...

Pardon me, Monsignor, sir, could you tell me where the top of the dune is?

Pardon me. What's the book about?

Parking lots. That's good.

Play it back, please.

Playing games, are we?

Please, shut up, all right?

Please.

Plus free tennis lessons. That's it, take it or leave it.

Police is on the way.

Polyester doesn't crumple.

Pretending to be something they are not.

Pretending to be something you are not.

Put him in his bathroom.

Put it on him.

Quiet.

Quite a bit after lunch.

Quite a ride, huh, Bern?

Real estate. Car rentals. Parking lots.

Rich.

Rich. It is leaving. Come on!

Richard Parker, sir.

Richard worked on that part, sir.

Richard, don't.

Richard, I don't know what this game is you're playing...

Right there.

Right.

Right.

Run!

Say, "You know what would look good on you?"

See how easy it is to do business with me?

See that?

See you, Bern.

Shit! Is that the killer?

Shit! Out of bullets.

Shit! What do we do?

Shit.

Shoo.

Shooter now.

Should I have Paulie go and talk to the chef?

Sir, it's a very big job.

Sit the hell down.

So my apartment is small. It's dark.

So obviously you could have taken me to some flash restaurant instead of that...

So paint it! I mean how hard can this whole thing be?

So somebody screwed up. It wasn't us. Was it?

So what are you doing here?

So what?

So where is your house?

So, Bernie. What about your Porsche?

Some small little favor for discovering those mistakes at the company.

Somebody talk to the captain.

Somebody tried to smoke it past the wrong guy.

Somebody's here.

Something without wall to wall cockroaches.

Something's definitely happening here, huh?

Son of a bitch. He's gonna kill me!

Son of a bitch. It's not bad enough that he's trying to kill me...

Sorry.

Sort of '60s style.

Stand up. Fight like a man. Come on. Put them up, you chicken.

Stop staring at her.

Stop the boat, Larry.

Stop the boat!

Stop the boat.

Stop!

Suit yourself. Whatever you like. I'm going on to find the next party.

Sure.

Sure.

Take 20.

Take care of Lomax.

Tawny, you wouldn't happen to know where Bernie is, would you?

Tell him Tawny borrowed his boat to go skiing.

Tell you what, let's just make you a little more comfy.

Thank you so much. This guy is like family.

Thank you, Bernie.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you. My turn. Here we go.

Thanks a lot, Bernie.

Thanks, Klaus. I got it.

Thanks, pal.

That I don't know. Just stay close. What else can happen here?

That is better. There you go.

That is good. This is very good.

That is true, Bernie.

That man is alive!

That takes some of the romance out of it.

That was beautiful. Replay.

That's $2.

That's a lot of hair. But it's clean. I like that.

That's it. Move those feet, Bernie. That's a boy.

That's it. Move those feet, Bernie. That's a boy.

That's it. We're gonna go to jail. They're gonna arrest us.

That's right. But this ain't.

That's the idea, isn't it? Cheers.

That's why he invited us out here for the weekend in the first place.

The cops are gonna take our fat heads to jail.

The girl of my dreams now thinks I'm a raving lunatic.

The latest from Weather Central.

The man absolutely loves us.

The Maserati!

The only trouble is if someone is trying to...

The people who live downstairs, they're very light sleepers.

The point is, I just want to be back in New York with an alibi, okay?

The point is, I just want to be back in New York with an alibi.

The sun was fabulous, the wind was fabulous, we had a great time.

Then again Coney Island is always real nice.

Then how come I saw Bernie with you and your friend at the party?

There are multiple checks issued because there were several policies written.

There are these messages.

There are women, swimming, boating, famous people.

There is what's her name.

There it is. Stop.

There we go. Okay, this way.

There's a man in his underwear in your kitchen.

There's Bernie. I wanted to thank him for my summer job.

There's more than one check issued on the same life insurance policy claim.

There's plenty of room if you want to stay, Lar.

There's something we would like to show you.

These people. Where did all these people come from?

These people. Where did all these people come from?

They do a wonderful crËme br˚lÈe here. It's delicious.

They get angry when I walk.

They might think we had something to do with it.

They must have been young.

They passed away?

They thought it was...

They were in a train accident.

They were so jealous. I mean, I loved it.

This apartment has got to be expensive.

This ferry isn't leaving. It's docking.

This goddamn raspberry vinaigrette...

This guy is my idol.

This is a fancy boat.

This is Bernie. Leave a message, I'll get right back to you.

This is inspiring. Look at this view.

This is not going to be fun.

This is not recreational. This is a career.

This is now the perfect weekend.

This is private property.

This is so right.

This is the raspberry vinaigrette.

This is tougher than it looks.

This is tragic.

This man needs some help. You know that?

This should do it.

This sucks. I am so unhappy.

This way.

Those are obviously channel markers.

Those schmucks are not coming until the 6:00 ferry...

Those two schmucks won't come until the 6:00 ferry...

Throw the anchor.

To defraud the company. Perhaps we should check back records.

To me you'll always be Vanessa.

Today was my last day at work. I am going back to college.

Today was my last day at work. I am going back to college.

Too greedy.

Try witty.

Two timer.

Unbelievable.