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Home > Steve Martin Soundboard
Warning: This soundboard may contain objectionable content, and is Not Safe For Work (NSFW)
Amateur falactics
And if they told you wolverines would make good house pets would you believe them
By the way you know when you're telling these little stories here's a good idea have a point it makes it so much more interesting for the listener
Consider how lucky you are on where your mouth is
Do you have any idea how glad I am I didn't kill you do you have any idea how glad i'd be if you had
He says we're going the wrong way oh he's drunk how would he know where we're going yeah how would he know
He's got some amusing anecdotes for you here's a gun so you can blow your brains out you'll thank me for it
How fast are you going I can't tell the speedometer's melted
How may I help you you can start by wiping that fucking dumb ass smile off your rosy fucking cheeks
I had no idea those beer cans were gonna blow like that you left them on a vibrating bed what did you think was gonna happen
I made a compromise I was wearing a live cow
I mean didn't you notice on the plane when you started talking eventually I started reading the vomit bag
I'm not really that good at it, but I can do it
I'm such an O. G
If I wanted a joke i'd follow you into the john and watch you take a leak
Now in order for me to do this
Please have mercy i've been wearing the same underwear since tuesday
Queen of England will be out here
So everyone close your eyes I'll tell you when to open
The Incredible Shrinking man
To succeed on television you have to appeal to everybody
Totally put it into show business
Trying to actually be funny where people really laugh
Use and degrade them
We were robbed do you think so
Well here's something you don't often see
Well, I don't deserve all this
Well, I woke up this morning
Where's your other hand between two pillows those aren't pillows!
You are under arrest, the case is closed
You know nothing grinds my gears worse than some chowder head who doesn't know when to keep his big trap shut
You're a thief close i'm an attorney
You're messing with the wrong guy!