Steve Martin Soundboard Edit

Amateur falactics

And if they told you wolverines would make good house pets would you believe them

Atheist Hymnal

By the way you know when you're telling these little stories here's a good idea have a point it makes it so much more interesting for the listener

Consider how lucky you are on where your mouth is

Dentist!

Do you have any idea how glad I am I didn't kill you do you have any idea how glad i'd be if you had

He says we're going the wrong way oh he's drunk how would he know where we're going yeah how would he know

He's got some amusing anecdotes for you here's a gun so you can blow your brains out you'll thank me for it

How fast are you going I can't tell the speedometer's melted

How may I help you you can start by wiping that fucking dumb ass smile off your rosy fucking cheeks

I had no idea those beer cans were gonna blow like that you left them on a vibrating bed what did you think was gonna happen

I made a compromise I was wearing a live cow

I mean didn't you notice on the plane when you started talking eventually I started reading the vomit bag

I'm not really that good at it, but I can do it

I'm such an O. G

If I wanted a joke i'd follow you into the john and watch you take a leak

Now in order for me to do this

Please have mercy i've been wearing the same underwear since tuesday

Queen of England will be out here

So everyone close your eyes I'll tell you when to open

The Incredible Shrinking man

The J**k Phone Books

To succeed on television you have to appeal to everybody

Totally put it into show business

Trying to actually be funny where people really laugh

Use and degrade them

We were robbed do you think so

Well here's something you don't often see

Well, I don't deserve all this

Well, I woke up this morning

Where's your other hand between two pillows those aren't pillows!

You are under arrest, the case is closed

You know nothing grinds my gears worse than some chowder head who doesn't know when to keep his big trap shut

You're a thief close i'm an attorney

You're messing with the wrong guy!