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Home > Microsoft Sam Says Clean Jokes
A Bagpiper, a Kangeroo, an Irish poet, and Mother Theresa walk into a bar . . . . . . . the barman, who was drying a glass, lifted his head and asked, "Is this some kind of joke?"
A bear and a rabbit are pooping in the woods The bear asks the rabbit "do you have a problem with poop sticking to your fur?" "Nope" So the bear wipes his butt with the rabbit.
A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a door. And a staircase. I don't think hes alright now.
A broom only likes one brand of comedy. Dustpan.
A cow fell off a truck in Russia Apparently he hadn't been Put in properly.
A dog with only 3 legs walks into a saloon in the Old West He slides up to the bar and announces: ''I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
A farmer in (x town) who rolled over a cart of horse manure... Is reported in "stable condition."
A frog decided to trace his genealogy one day... He discovered he was a tad Polish.
A funny bird is the pelican His beak can hold more than his belly can He can hold in his beak Enough for a week And I don't know how the heck he can!
A guy walks into a bar Ouch
A horse walks into a bar, orders a beer. The bartender says, "Why the long face?" And the horse answers, "They've started a round of layoffs at the plant."
A long joke jooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooke
A man enters a store and asks for a color printer, the cashier asks "What color?"
A man once thought he'd discovered a new primary color but it proved to be merely a pigment of his imagination.
A man started to throw words beginning with 'th' at me I dodge this, then and there but I didn't see that coming Tim Vine
A man walked into a doctor's office . . . He said to the doctor: "I've hurt my arm in several places." The doctor said: "Well don't go there any more."
A man walks into a bar... He says "Ow"
A man walks into a fancy dress party carrying a woman on his back... The host asks the man why this is so. "Oh, I'm a tortoise and this is Michelle" says the man.
A man walks into an apple store and...... farts every one is really angry and there all shouting so he says it's not my fault you don't have windows
A man wanted to name his son a very long name... ...so he named him Miles
A man was caught stealing in a supermarket today... ...while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. He was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
A mathematician was constipated, how did he solve his problem? He worked it out with a pencil and paper.
A pair of mittens says to a hat, "I'll stay here, you go on a head"
A penguin walks into a bar... He goes up to the barman and says, "Have you seen my father in here today?" The barman says, "I don't know, what does he look like?"
A photon checks into a hotel... The bellhop asks him if he has any luggage and the photon replies "No. I'm travelling light."
A photon walks into a hotel. The bellhop asks if he needs help with his bags. The photon says, "no, I'm travelling light. "
A platypus went into a hotel owned by a duck.. ..A platypus went into a hotel owned by a duck. Platypus ate food. Duck billed platypus
A poem for Valentine's day Roses are red Poppies are red The grass is red Oh no my yard is on fire
A Polar Bear walks into a cafe He says, "I'll have a burger and.... a coke." The waitress says, "Okay. But, why the long pause?" The bear says, "I don't know. I was born with them."
A police officer bought a robot this robot was fueled by sodium and alkaline, but could only hold enough for 24 hours at a time. so every morning he had to charge it with a salt and battery.
A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a bar... ...and the bartender says, "What is this, a joke?"
A red ship and a blue ship crashed on an island together the survivors were marooned.
A sad can goes to get recycled. He was soda pressed.
A sentence and a phrase is arguing, what did the sentence say? I know where you're coming from this phrase, but I can't see your point.
A Siri joke!: Two iPhones walk into a bar... ...Carrying a set of iPod shuffles. The bartender says: > Let those iPods sing, man! He was an iSurfer on iPad mini.
A skeleton walks into a bar orders a beer and a mop.
A skeleton walks into a bar The bartender says, what will you have? Skeleton says, a beer... and a mop
A skeleton walks into a bar... Asks for a beer and a mop.
A skelleton goes to the bar and says "Can I have a pint and a mop..."
A stamp collector walks into a bar... He walks up to the hostess and says, "You're more beautiful than any stamp in my collection" She replied, "Philately will get you nowhere."
A teacher asked her students to use the word "beans" in a sentence... "My father grows beans," said one girl. "My mother cooks beans," said a boy. A third student spoke up, "We are all human beans."
A termite walks into a bar... And asks the nearest person "Hey, is the bar tender here?"
A termite walks into a pub And asks "where's the bar tender?"
A Thanksgiving Joke What did the turkey say about the television program from the 1950s? There's a little bit too much grayvy.
A vampire stopped coming to my nightly poker games. All I said was that he made too many mistakes...
A woman files for divorce from her husband... citing that he makes too many Star Wars puns. When asked if this is true the husband says, "Divorce is strong with this one."
A WWII Joke! What did the German Shepherd say at his Nuremberg trial? "I was just following odors."
ABCDEFGHIJKMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ Noel.
Accidental Seafood I tried dolphin once...but not on porpoise.
Actually, there are but two types of people Those who can extrapolate from limited data ...
After watching a strongman competition... it amazed me to see how much the human body can lift without pooing itself.
All these people getting emails from the Prince of Nigeria, I got one from an Egyptian Pharaoh... But it turned out to just be a pyramid scheme.
Almonds on the tree; Amonds off the tree cause to get them off the tree you hafta shake the "L" out of them!
Alrighty Kids always remember: you are what you eat So eat loads of sweets and pass on those vegetables
Always put sunglasses on your tree. Then, you'll get the proper shade.
An idea for a board game... BONOPOLY Similar to Monopoly, but where the streets have no name.
An invisible man marries an invisible woman... The kids were nothing to look at either.
An ion walked up to Lost and Found and reported that he had lost an electron. The clerk asked:are you sure? The ion replied :Yes, I am positive.VCN
An oldie but goldie! *How do you stop a charging bull?* ***Take away its credit card!*** wa waa waaaa! ~Skip
An Olympic gymnast walked into a bar... She didnt get a medal...
Apparently vegetables can hear when they're being eaten. So I always drown mine in salad dressing first. Because it's the Romaine thing to do.
Apple just released a brand new programming language, *Swift*. Job recruiters everywhere immediately started posting ads for Swift programmers with 5 years of experience.
April showers bring May flowers, but what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.
Armadillo The world needs more armed dillos.
As I watched the dog chasing his tail, I thought, Dogs sure are easily amused!... ...then I realized I was watching the dog chasing his tail.
Ask your doctor if left is right for you.
At least I now know why the lions leave the plains before the end of summer. Because the Pride goeth before the Fall.
At the end of the Age of Dinosaurs what happened to the good ones? They got veloci raptured.
Bad scary film I was watching a really poorly done scary movie last night, it was horrorble.
Balloon's What's a balloon's favorite genre of music? Pop.
Barely amusing Japanese joke Why are snakes so difficult to pick up in Japan? Because in Japan, snakes are hebi.
Batman doesn't have nightmares Nightmares have batman
Bee jokes, courtesy of my niece (age 8). What did the bee use to dry off after swimming? A *bee*ch towel. What did the bee use to get out the tangles? A honeycomb.
Better be named after what? If you had to choose, would you prefer having a disease named after you, or be named after your mother in law?
Book, you look so much thinner! I know! I had my appendix removed!
Branson My wife and I went to Branson, Missouri. I think our hotel caters to senior citizens because it had a free incontinental breakfast.
Broken pencils... ...are pointless.
Broom advocates for cleaner work environment.
Bulls from all over India sent a petition to SC asking it to classify them as 'Jallikatu Bulls'.
By shear coincidence... ...all these sheep look the same...
Can February March? No, but April May.
Can you tell me what you call a person from Corsica? Course a can.
Captain Ahab's crew were highly efficient sailors In fact, they were running like a whale oiled machine.
Cars Why do lazy people only drive automatics? Because they're shiftless.
Charles Dickens walks into a bar... and orders a martini. The bartender asks "olive 'er twist?"
Chemistry Student I'm a science teacher and once I asked one of my lazy students if he knew the chemical symbol for sodium. He replied, 'Na, I don't'. Lucky sod, he's only ever right periodically.
Choose a major you love and you won't have to work for a day in your life Because that major probably has no jobs (not an original)
Clean joke about sorority girls Why do sorority girls only travel in odd numbered groups? Because they *can't even*!
Coco The Clown took his car back to the garage this week. The door wouldn't fall off.
Cogito Ergo Spud. I think, therefore I yam.
College My son took Rock Climbing in college but he had to drop the class. He couldn't find any "Cliff Notes."
Congratulation on the new baby, from your family... except from me because I don't really care.
Darth Vader told me he knows what i'm getting for Christmas He said he felt my presents...
Define "Will" Isn't it obvious? It's a dead giveaway!
Definitions Bigamist An Italian fog. Myfunsalow "I am broke" in Italian. Innuendo Italian for suppository.
Did I tell you I'm joining a gym in Gainesborough? Because I'm all about those gains bro
Did someone say "purple"? Sorry, it must have been a pigment of my imagination!
Did y'all hear the one about the professional jump roper? Never mind. *Skip it*.
Did ya hear about the magic tractor? It turned into a field
Did you hear about NASA finding bones on the moon? Yeah,the cow didn't make it.
Did you hear about Scrooge's drinking problem? He had a dickens of a time with spirits.
Did you hear about that spicy knight? Sir Acha.
Did you hear about the Antennas that got married? The wedding was lame, but the reception was great!
Did you hear about the butcher who backed into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work.
Did you hear about the casting for the new Batman movie? People have really Ben Affleckted by it.
Did you hear about the corduroy pillow? You didn't hear? It made headlines!
Did you hear about the farmer that fell into the field machine and lost half his body? He's all right now! : )
Did you hear about the fight in the candy store? Two suckers got licked
Did you hear about the fortune teller that... Had bad breath, calluses all over his body and couldn't win a fight? He was a Super Callused Fragile Mystic Hexed with halitosis.
Did you hear about the French chef who committed suicide? He lost the huile d'olive
Did you hear about the guy who fell into an upholstery machine? Now he's fully recovered.
Did you hear about the guy who invented a knife that can cut four loaves of bread at once? He's calling it the "Four Loaf Cleaver."
Did you hear about the homemade poison ivy remedy? You can make it from scratch.
Did you hear about the Italian chef that died? He pasta way.
Did you hear about the kidnapping in Delaware? Don't worry, he eventually woke up.
Did you hear about the kidnapping recently? The goatherd woke him up.
Did you hear about the lawyer for U2? He was Pro Bono
Did you hear about the man who was accidentally buried alive? It was a grave mistake. Woohoo! I'm making these up!!
Did you hear about the mathematician who hated negative numbers? He'll stop at nothing to avoid them!
Did you hear about the Native American who went to a party and drank 37 cups of tea? They found him dead the next morning in his tea pee.
Did you hear about the neutron who was arrested? He was held without charge.
Did you hear about the ointment... Did you hear about the ointment that couldn't stop talking about politics? When confronted, he said he was just trying to be topical.
Did you hear about the production delays at that company that makes scales using lengthy pipes? They had really long weights.
Did you hear about the schizophrenic accounts manager? He couldn't help but hear invoices inside his head.
Did you hear about the skeleton who didn't go to prom? He had no body to go with.
Did you hear about the stallion and the mare? They had a stable relationship.
Did you hear about the two monocles at the party? They made spectacles out of themselves.
Did you hear about the two silk worms that got in a fight? It ended in a tie.
Did you hear about the wedding between the two antenna? The service was terrible, but the reception was great.
Did you hear about what happened with the elk? It was really amoosing.
Did you hear that H.P. Lovecraft wrote a cookbook? It's called the Necronomnomnomicon.
Did you hear the joke about the fast car? I would tell you but I think you're too slow to get it.
Did you hear the Offspring song about how to store mummies? "You gotta keep 'em desiccated"
Did you hear the one about the constipated mathematician? He worked his problem out with a pencil.
Did you hear they're republishing that Simple Mathematics study guide? It's the revised edition. (Revise Addition)
Did you know that 1 in every doll, in every doll, in every doll, in every doll are Russian?
Did you know that in high school, Robert E. Lee was voted "most likely to secede?"
Did you know that it's traditional to serve Eggs Benedict on a hubcap? There's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise.
Did you know that protons have mass? >Yes Well I didn't even know they were Catholic!
Did you know yesterday was National Middle Child Day? Don't worry, no one else remembered either.
Did you see the guy at Walmart hiding from ugly people?
Did you take a shower today? Why, is one missing?
Difference between a dead squirrel and a dead drummer in the road? http://imgur.com/PKibj The squirrel might have been on his way to a gig.
Do you guys/gals like horse jokes? Yeah or neeiiigghh?
Do you have a hole in your sock? "No ..." *(looks at sock)* . . How'd you get your foot in it?
Do you know why one side of the the V formation of geese in flight is longer than the other side? Because It has more geese in it!
Do you know why the bike couldnt stand by itself? It was TWO TIRED!!!
Do you know why there's no casinos in Africa? Because there's too many CHEETAHS!
Do you think George Clooney has an iTunes playlist called Clooney Tunes?
Dolphins don't do anything by accident.. Always on porpoise.
Don't you hate jokes about German sausage? They're the wurst!
Ever heard about that movie called Constipation? It never came out.
Every journey has a beginning. ahem Just a small town girl Living in a lonely world...
Every morning I run around the block 5 times... ...Then I slide the block back under the bed and go back to sleep
Every single morning I get hit by the same bike... It's a vicious cycle.
Everybody gets their 15 minutes of fame so here's my first original joke! why is it impossible to surprise a snowman? .. he has ice in the back of his head
Fart tutor wanted, must have references
Finally decided on my thesis paper. It's a LOTR themed essay in defense of Sauron Titled "Getting away with Mordor"
First original joke! Why did the rapper visit the urologist? Because his flows were so sick.
First post and an original How much does a Chinese elephant weigh? .................. Wonton
Four years ago, I asked out the girl of my dreams. Today, I asked her to marry me. She said no both times. (not an original)
Garbage men have Hefty contracts.
Gravity makes a terrible friend. It's always holding you down.
Harry Potter can't tell the difference between his cooking pot and his best friend. [X Post from r/Fantasy] They're both cauldron.
Have a very Joseph Christmas! We shouldn't discriminate by sex, you know.
Have you been injured in a car accident? call 555 bottom feeders. We will do anything for money.
Have you ever heard the one about the dust bunny and the mud pie? Well then sorry, I only tell clean jokes.
Have you guys ever heard of the crazy Mexican Train Killer? He had...... Loco Motives
Have you heard about that hot Thai lounge singer? Yeah. They call him *Frank Sriracha.*
Have you heard about the 2 Spanish firemen? Jose and hose B
Have you heard about the Black Magic book for orphans? It's called the necro**mom**icon
Have you heard the one about the agnostic with dyslexia and insomnia? He tossed and turned all night wondering if there was a dog
Have you heard what I think of windmills? Big Fan.
Have you seen the movie Constipated? No? Why? Cause it hasn't come out yet!
Heard the one about the corduroy pillowcase? It's making headlines.
Heart attack When is the worst possible time to have a heart attack? When you are playing Charades.
HELP! We need your best joke you have! We will choose the best joke and make a video of it, just for you!
Here's a funny joke I heard about pizza oh nevermind. It's too cheesy.
Hope you guys like clean humor videos https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kNt aTq0hxM
How can you tell if a hamburger was grilled in space? It's a little meteor.
How can you tell that a straight pin is confused? Just look at it. It's headed in one direction and pointed in the other.
How did the aquarium win the battle? Giant Fish Tanks.
How did the burglar get into the house? Intruder window
How did the desk lamp store manager feel when thieves stole all his lightbulbs? He was delighted.
How did the firefly feel when he flew into the fan? He was de lighted
How did the geologist develop a career as an expert in sinkholes? He fell into it.
How did the metal get the wrong idea? He was misled.
How did the musician catch his fish? He castanet
How did the Pillsbury Dough Boy Die? A Yeast Infection
How did the pilot like his hotdog? Plane.
How did the prostitute get promoted? She slept her way to the top!
How did the townspeople react when the mayor presented them with a cost efficient, vegan protein source? They chia'd.
How do cows get their gossip? They herd it through the bovine.
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path.
How do porcupines play leapfrog? Very carefully
How do sailors finish a corny joke on a boat? Ba dum ship.
How do trees get online? They just log in...
How do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea.