Crazy Ex-Girlfriend - Season 1 Edit

A a search term on porn sites.

A And barely. Like, I never went to class.

A couple of years ago, came back with that death grip.

A crystal...

A dance party by the windows!

A dip is kinda supposed to be a quick thing.

A dude just left your apartment!

A fair and equitable arrangement

A family that can help you acquire

A father's love for a daughter

A female empowerment program. Hear me out.

A four cylinder engine, heated seats,

A guy says something like that,

A healthy choice, Cookie.

A hearing already?

A job in West Covina, just like randomly!

A killer smile.

A lack of maternal affection

A level five mom pleaser.

A little bit here, 'cause I heard

A little pro bones work as I like to say.

A little what?

A little, like, miffed at me from the way things went down

A lot of girls here, dude.

A lot of people think it's a congenital thing,

A lovely trans woman named Professor Goddess,

A million parties in my life.

A million reasons why Josh hasn't texted me back.

A Paperless Post that I should reply to?

A part of me was hoping that I was wrong.

A party.

A party.

A Quest for Chaos.

A quiet night is a luxury.

A rice cooker?

A shard got in my eye.

A text from Valencia earlier.

A ton about Buddhism. Uh huh.

A vacation in wine country. How lovely.

A wine bar on Foothill

Aah! Yeah.

About all the great work you do,

About being emotionally naked.

About being in 'Nam... It it's quite confusing.

About believing in me, about...

About Greg and Rebecca?

About Harper Lee and...

About hitting the rays and catching the sun

About me in the wind. Anyway,

About the Josh stuff, I am right, and you are wrong.

About the majestic history of the 10 freeway,

About the Triangle Shirtwaist Factory fire.

About the zoning for the property near the L.A. river.

About Valencia having lunch with Rebecca?

About what Greg said.

About whether you should date each other.

About you and I hanging out alone together,

Abuela's one is so much better.

According to this list, you thought about Rebecca a lot.

According to this list, you thought about Rebecca a lot.

According to this, it is a very simple

Accurately represented that fact.

Actually derives from a word

Actually don't do the oil pulling for 20 minutes...

Actually, I have to use the bathroom really quickly,

Actually, I just switched

Actually, I thought about doing the same thing

Actually, I threatened a lawsuit on the grounds

Actually, I'm moving.

Actually, it was a little scary.

Actually, it's my spirit animal.

Actually, it's the root of all my fears, period.

Actually, my boobs names are Bonnie and Clyde.

Actually, my name is Rebecca.

Actually, she's not happy I'm going.

Actually, um, I'm cold. Let's go inside

Add some medications.

Admire your commitment to the health of your wrist tendons.

Admit it. You're into Josh.

Adult content and I take care of myself.

After "Fight Club", he's a one trick pony.

After all I've done for you.

After you did?

After, what, I mean, ten years?

Again, I am not gay!

Again, I just moved here for a change. I didn't

Again, I'm not taking any money from you guys.

Again, it's not... it's not a rectal thermometer.

Again, it's upstairs!

Again, s... (Laughs) So subtle.

Against the Glendorables.

Ah, ah. (chuckles)

Ah, dude, nobody is on LinkedIn.

Ah, gave myself a Christmas gift.

Ah, I love jazz.

Ah, I'm sorry.

Ah, it's... it was my fault.

Ah, she's okay.

Ah, speak of the handsome devil himself.

Ah, that movie was so us.

Ah, The Vince Guaraldi Trio.

Ah, they all come back.

Ah, we have something in common.

Ah, your best table, please, sir.

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah. Ooh.

AKOPIAN: You know I could

All eyes on me.

All I ask is

All I know is that I gave up law school

All I'm saying is, if you go out with Josh's best friend,

All my fault in a way, because of the lying.

All of his feelings from when we were together at camp...

All of My Days or something like that?

All of the years of emotion will just well up and...

All right, Dad, let me get this out.

All right, get over here, guys. You, Dreads,

All right, I better jet.

All right, I used to be a mom pleaser, but I'm not anymore.

All right, I'll quit.

All right, I'll talk to you later.

All right, just just tell me what it says.

All right, just let me know when we can stop, because

All right, let's see this presentation...

All right, look,

All right, maybe word games are lame.

All right, well, when are you guys gonna chill,

All right, you are on.

All right, you know what?

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right. All right, girls,

All right. There you go.

All right. Well, if we're not getting in the club,

All right. You know.

All the cities, no matter what size

All the girls ended up on the pill because of me.

All the plaintiffs are getting four dollars.

All the way to the beach.

All you got to do is stand up to your fears, do you understand?

All your wacky decisions,

ALL: Ah...

All: No.

ALL: Selfie... !

All: Yes.

All!

All.

Almost as much as Sinatra,

Almost had,

Aloha is just a... really laid back store, okay?

Aloha.

Also a bit foolish.

Also kind of beautiful

Also known as the Brooklyn of Southern California...

Also, again, I'm not trying to please her. Or anyone.

Also, can we go back to the fake eyelid?

Also, do they float?

Also, he will provide a free lease

Also, I brought donuts for everybody.

Also, in the restaurant in the Hilton,

Also, lemons seem bad, but they're actually good.

Also, my internet is down,

Also, my... my name is also Josh

Also, no fish bones, also, uh, no seeds.

Also, she got the promotion you didn't take.

Although, I gotta say,

Although, truth be told, when I walk around this festival, all I want to do

Although, um, it it's really cool,

Am I a good person?

Am I Gretel? Where's Hansel?

Am I in the Matrix?

Am I Neo?

Am I schizophrenic?

An actual box.

An actual piece of garbage.

An extra person?

And 15 years of experience, but...

And a breakfast burrito just for me?

And a genetic predisposition for anxiety and depression.

And a hands free smart trunk.

And a smoothie and a new key made

And a ton of glitter.

And a ton of glitter.

And according to this book, it's because I am a...

And all day yesterday,

And all day yesterday,

And all I ask is for your forgiveness,

And all I did was was work.

And all of them are in Israel right now,

And all she ever gives me is stink face.

And all that stuff, man, you don't want that.

And all the Asians.

And all the way from Echo Park,

And already she's done

And and face your fears.

And and I know that it was, like, a bummer my mom didn't show,

And and Mason and Lily are children.

And and thanks for that.

And and the macaws.

And and the macaws.

And and you kept using the word "happy."

And and you told me about West Covina,

And anybody will tell you that's not authentic Mexican guacamole.

And are reminded where we belong

And as I was being rhythmically trashed

And as soon as Josh's parents get a look at you,

And ask her what she would do?!

And because of you, I feel one coming on right now.

And being a “white feather,”

And believe me, I've checked all of her Facebook albums. There are 180 of them.

And breathe in.

And Buffer can play with my phone? Hmm?

And building small businesses is an essential part of that.

And by the way, this place is a dump.

And chillax

And Christ!

And Chuck.

And clearly,

And coming to this camp.

And competing with me for Instagram likes.

And could do a lot for all those

And Darryl said you weren't feeling well and you went home.

And dinners and go to Spiders.

And do 5,000 hail Marys.

And do something different for a change,

And don't even get me started on my lanyard skills.

And drinks and literally eats lard.

And enjoy Scott's racist uncle.

And every year, I would never hear back.

And everyone else about.

And everyone's name is written correctly on the cup.

And exhale on an "ah..." Hey, do you want to go grab,

And exhale on an ah...

And expect nothing to happen.

And feel free to use specific words

And figure out what's really going on inside your mind.

And fireflies... I mean, it's nothing.

And for the finishing touch... You're gonna be so excited!

And for, you know,

And French doors and Spanish tile and an orange tree.

And from that one conversation,

And get him to love me, but it it's like,

And get that college degree in communications.

And get yourself something to eat,

And give us some tips.

And good luck digesting all that gross food.

And got all this.

And grab it.”

And grow my pit hair out, you know?

And have a cigarette and some whiskey with him.

And he doesn't cry at cat food commercials.

And he had, um, an urgent matter with a permit,

And he is not a loser.

And he just went out for ice,

And he kind of makes us call him that; we don't want to.

And he really wants to take you up to his hotel room.

And he said "very attracted."

And he said he thought

And he still hasn't grown up ever!

And he tagged me in the picture.

And he wanted to meet with me tonight,

And he was only using me

And he will follow.

And he's a damned good bird.

And he's been a sarcastic dick the whole time!

And he's never gonna come back.

And he's practically throwing himself at me,

And he's the one holding everything up.

And her guts would be everywhere.

And her, boobs.

And hiring him would be the best decision you've ever made.

And his Instagram 18 times.

And hit the old bus bathroom.

And how did that work out?

And how it works.

And I am going to a super cool nightclub.

And I am so close to getting that ring.

And I am so exactly like that caring nurse

And I belong...

And I can bring a friend. There's this girl.

And I can buy you a really nice water.

And I can show them this and be like,

And I care, too.

And I could help you find a cheap place,

And I could never have one when I was little,

And I decided to bring a date.

And I did some research.

And I don't mean in the vitamin/exercising kind of way.

And I don't really want to do it again.

And I don't think it really applies to you.

And I don't think you're crazy at all.

And I don't want to hear you barf crying later.

And I don't watch her at night when she's sleeping?

And I feel like you and I

And I feel so sad

And I got to go do some cardio.

And I got to say, I went on some, like, skeevy ass dates.

And I hadn't, like, thought about that word

And I have a chance to be in a real group of friends.

And I have no problem ruining your life,

And I have one person to thank for that.

And I have seniority, I can pick my shifts.

And I haven't even finished sorting the screws.

And I haven't really seen him since our... our date.

And I held up my end of the bargain, like a man.

And I I get weird when I don't have protein.

And I just decided to be nice.

And I just... I hope we're not holding him up.

And I know also

And I know I shouldn't.

And I know that it was, like, so wrong

And I know that you're wondering, like,

And I know that, you know, you're a real fixer

And I know what you need.

And I left behind a job that would've paid me

And I looked fabulous,

And I need you to sleep with my mom. Bye.

And I only have a second.

And I play to win.

And I promise that I will always be there for you.

And I promise this time

And I punched you.

And I put the boba on the side for Aunt Dhori.

And I randomly came across this old letter

And I reached out to Josh, but...

And I realize...

And I really

And I really want you to be there,

And I saying, "corn pops, blah, blah, blah,"

And I tell myself to stop thinking about you,

And I think if I do,

And I think it's pretty obvious

And I think that this is that time.

And I thought that, you know, Valencia would be cool with it

And I thought you were gonna keep a little distance?

And I thought: Pretty and elegant,

And I told her all about my divorce.

And I told him I was having suicidal thoughts,

And I took a corporate improv class,

And I want to do something for her.

And I wanted you to know I'm sorry.

And I was a victim of...

And I was afraid of getting a bad grade on my test.

And I was bringing my mother by

And I was invited, too, but I wanted to be here for you.

And I was like, "oh, my God,

And I was looking to relocate to Los Angeles...

And I was only gone for a couple minutes.

And I was out of commission for hours.

And I went back up to Blowie Point

And I went on her iPad to see where she was,

And I will read him that letter.

And I will take that, sir.

And I will, I will help you.

And I wish that I had been

And I won't press charges against either of you.

And I... I have no problem with her.

And I'll be in there just checking out

And I'll just, I'll go over all the deets about leases

And I'll return it at home in New York.

And I'll see you at the store, Betsy.

And I'm all the boy band you'll ever need.

And I'm excited to face my problems head on.

And I'm going.

And I'm gonna go live my life.

And I'm here.

And I'm just gonna get in.

And I'm like, okay, filing it away, filing it away.

And I'm not going anywhere, sorry.

And I'm not just talking about the pizza and the fie.

And I'm not talking about the plain ones, no,

And I'm not the reason you still live with your dad

And I'm taking abnormal psych at the JC, and I think...

And I'm with the best babysitters in the world...

And if he was into her, why would it say that?

And if you could just get into that turkey dinner,

And if you expel Tommy, then you are...

And if you people don't eat this,

And in front of the people I love the most

And in subsequent years, those questions were stricken for being misleading, but

And in that box,

And is there anything else that I can do for you today?

And isn't that what yoga's all about?

And it gave me a brilliant idea.

And it has a hood. Everyone's so worried

And it probably messed up your blow out.

And it should not matter anyway, because you are not 15.

And it was then the Fuhrer decided upon

And it worked, every time.

And it's an over generalization

And it's been in my family for generations,

And it's so awesome back home.

And Josh and I used to love each other

And Josh and I used to love each other.

And Josh just happens to be here.

And Josh says I can't be friends with her,

And just breathe.

And just live that SoCal sunny lifestyle, you know?

And just not feel like you belong.

And just take a photo of myself, alone?

And just ten of everything and one Boba tea to go.

And just... go...

And kind and understanding.

And lean proteins and no legumes.

And lest we forget "poopsgiving."

And let's circle back about the Jew thing.

And let's see. Oh, a lot of the people

And listen to me, a kiss on the cheek means...

And live fish with whiskers.

And live your dreams. happy holidays.

And look fabu in a super tight low cut dress in the process?

And me wants me to be a good person

And more to the point, you don't care about them.

And my children... I mean, their only hope is

And my Josh.

And my Josh.

And my ovaries are Hustle and Flow.

And my wife, well,

And next time I'll do a an airport shuttle.

And nobody came.

And nobody came.

And not hire this man to hand out leis and sell VCRs?!

And not in your right mind...

And now I'm into, like, all the good stuff.

And now that Valencia says

And now you are going to be

And now you are here.

And now you got a reason to get rid of me.

And now, 'cause I'm hungry.

And obviously she has no friends.

And OCD and SAD and a panic disorder

And offered you a job, and that's why you moved here

And on the edge of your knife.

And one day I realized,

And one day,

And our employees are just chill.

And out. (exhales)

And plant it in your wife's suitcase,

And play a few new video games

And possibly undergoing cranial remolding.

And pretend to be someone different, someone, like, fancy.

And pretending not to like hockey.

And raw emotional insight

And read him this letter.

And real estate is my specialty.

And really focus on the presentation all weekend.

And responsible... Pork!

And restless leg syndrome...

And rice is a staple in both of our...

And sacrificed my dreams

And said, "Greg, I like you,"

And sand storm. (Chuckles)

And say I'm good to go.

And second of all, as far as the breaking goes,

And see if it's cool that I come over.

And see the camp director.

And see what else she has lying around. Hmm.

And see what the situation is.

And sexy.

And she ate off her own lips.

And she hasn't seen you since you were 11,

And she is a real bitch.

And she knows about, like, a lot of cool things,

And she left crying. We don't have a good track record here.

And she said, "the big apple's on the line!"

And she told me which foods go best with my blood type.

And she was out of the picture.

And she's a mess.

And since then, I just...

And slept with him? What is wrong with you?!

And slow motion dogs.

And small right now.

And so I reading letter, and he laughing at me

And so please just forgive me, because I'm imperfect.

And so romantic for you and, uh, Valencia?

And so that day, I I made the decision that I...

And so they spread all these rumors that I, like,

And so, we will, too.

And somehow everything is okay.

And somehow I've made Greg

And sorry about the mix up, again.

And started the whole, um,

And stay at this park overnight.

And steal money from my purse.

And Stockton, Monrovia,

And stop getting to know

And surprise, you'yo already Channed all over her.

And take a ceramics class

And take some selfies at Blowie Point.

And talking about 4K TVs, and it's all because of you.

And tell her there's been a murder at the yoga studio

And ten years since somebody held my hand.

And that day,

And that I'm really on the hunt

And that is how it has worked

And that is the first step. (Gasps)

And that is why everything you do backfires.

And that is why I'm glad that you stood up to me.

And that is, that is totally different.

And that joke is super old

And that sounds pretty, um, dangerous.

And that they were going to be terrible.

And that they would be liable for interest or extra costs.

And that turkey on Thursday?

And that was not part of our plan.

And that was probably a very uncomfortable experience.

And that way he'll... he'll just, smell my pheromones.

And that's a deal breaker for me.

And that's bad?

And that's more important than this?

And that's not all.

And that's not all.

And that's what really matters.

And the answer is, Alex, no.

And the butter you deserve.

And the great thing is, if we're friends,

And the handyman stole my grandmother's necklace

And the parts I understood were great.

And the raw fish.

And the sauce and there's all the cheese.

And the turkey skin, Anak.

And their defenses just melt.

And then a honey hang, right?

And then a sad barista

And then do your presentation on Monday,

And then everyone turned on me,

And then going to a party.

And then head on back to work?

And then I did it the next summer, so...

And then I feel like I hit this wall.

And then I got to LAX, because Burbank was sold out,

And then I ran into you, Josh.

And then it happened.

And then made you dance on the roof of my Bentley.

And then she died.

And then some people in a car drive by

And then some people in a car drive by

And then we can discuss the appropriate medications.

And then we just became, like, cazh buds,

And then we never tell the other person about it.

And then we, like, hung out over the holidays.

And then you muddy up the long play for Josh.

And then you said,

And then you saw a sexy girl at the mall

And then you saw another sexy mannequin

And then you slow danced with that giant fish.

And then, finishing touch, my favorite thing...

And then, when you come back on Monday,

And there could be, like,

And there is a statute and it is called...

And there it is!

And there was a lot of traffic and I paid $180

And they fold it up and it's thin crust

And they fold it up and it's thin crust

And they said that my blood type works best with Panda Express.

And they told us to make bold choices.

And they were still trolls,

And think that I moved here for him.

And this guy!

And this is how many people showed up.

And this is not just a favor you're doing for your boss.

And this is Valencia and white Josh.

And this is White Josh,

And this one is Snail y Rae Jepsen.

And this puppy is...

And this woman's choices are nuts.

And thought about everything and...

And to a hedge fund manager.

And together as sisters, we must pull the cart

And turned out pretty okay.

And turns out she goes to a motel with her boss.

And two... your dad keeps asking me to go outside

And Valencia is playing with you like a cat with a chipmunk.

And Vampire Weekend.

And want to see him and surprise him.

And watch the pay per view concert of my favorite

And we are going to get some friggin' work done around here!

And we can all watch it together?

And we even have... a Valentine's Day piñata.

And we get along.

And we got cousins and aunts and uncles pouring in

And we know what that means.

And we watch the World Dog Awards.

And we were technically on a break?

And we will crush that illegal water park.

And we'll have ourselves a little party, you dig?

And we're already dancing!

And we're already stuck in traffic.

And what a heavy burden we bear

And what are these, Oxford commas?

And what's going on between us.

And when I do... Suck it, Greg.

And when that time arrives, you can't really predict it,

And when you have a child, you will understand this.

And while we're airing things out,

And who love me the most...

And why did you blame me?

And will reimburse Mr. Robertson for all of his relocation fees

And work at a bar.

And write: "This house

And yada yada, fudgsicles

And yell, "Hey! Magnum P.I."

And yell, "Hey! Magnum P.I."

And yes, those are Christmas decorations.

And yet somehow, you're Mr. Popular.

And you are numero Uno.

And you are...

And you chopped them up into a tapenade of reproach...

And you didn't move once.

And you don't understand Josh.

And you Gregged her.

And you hate California.

And you have nowhere to go.

And you have the nerve to sit here

And you inconvenienced a lot of people.

And you just stood there doing nothing

And you just took those olives and you plucked 'em

And you know what?

And you know what? Just keep it coming,

And you look like Josh Chan

And you low balled the guy.

And you may be fine continuing on this way,

And you need to fully feel that, and you need

And you pull it off so, so well.

And you should.

And you shouldn't waste time on me.

And you think I'm the one out of line?

And you understand what...

And you wanted her to watch you have sex

And you wanted to have sex with it.

And you wanted to have sex with that one, too.

And you were so dramatic and, like, weird.

And you won't admit it. Why?

And you won't even give it to me.

And you...

And you'll get permanent custody.

And you're a commitment phobe.

And you're going

And you're ignoring me, so you're obviously my type.

And you're my case assistant, and I just...

And you're not in denial anymore,

And you're Pam.

And you're the reason why.

And you're, like, totally successful and rich now, right?

And you've been my rock.

And you've never fought like this!

And your career, you hear me, Rebecca?

And your real problem is that your marriage is dead.

And your whole Settle for me vibe.

And, God, that makes you the luckiest person...

And, I mean, not surprisingly,

And, instead of turning his back on me...

And, like, I say “guy,” but honestly,

And, like, not in a good way.

And, like, phones don't exist?

And, like... weird.

And, oh, I'm a vegan now.

And, ooh, let's see, a mint chocolate chip ice cream

And, uh, 400...

And, uh, I'm going to, uh,

And, uh...

And, um, there's some other good stuff, too.

And, um, we make it up

And, well, confused, frankly,

And, yeah, I'm so glad I'm not like this anymore.

And, yeah, that's that's just, that's what happened.

And, you know, at the end of the day,

And, you know, he's not much of a licker.

And, you know, when you wear shorts to the office,

And...

And...

And...

And... is that

And... needles.

ANNOUNCER: And here's a health messages from TV's favorite doctor.

ANNOUNCER: curve balling out about five to ten miles per hour

Another one?

Another opportunity has knocked on my door.

Anxiety, depression...

Any country that you wanted to right now,

Any kind.

Any... reason at all?

Anybody else for fun? Nope? Okay.

Anybody else?

Anything happens, we go right to the abortionist.

Anything.

Anyway,

Anyway, between us, it's like we're Siamese souls.

Anyway, but, uh, I saw you do 24.

Anyway, can I get you a drink?

Anyway, Denise, hit me up whenever you get this.

Anyway, don't you have, like, work or something?

Anyway, he's having a house party.

Anyway, I got to go.

Anyway, I pull over to the side of the road,

Anyway, I want to get him alone

Anyway, I wanted to tell you that I was reading

Anyway, let's get back to my story.

Anyway, she had this first grade teacher,

Anyway.

Anyway...

Anyways, I know it's early,

Appearing out of nowhere

Application there, sir?

Appreciate the feedback.

Appreciate the info.

Are are you Josh Chan?

Are are you kidding?

Are gonna hit the trip digs.

Are hypnotizing me.

Are people not coming? Is it Josh?

Are they?

Are those staying activities?

Are we talking by my birthday party?

Are we talking swimsuit season?

Are we, by chance, going to the same meeting?

Are you a witch?

Are you crazy?

Are you crazy?!

Are you going anywhere now?

Are you gonna hand out sheet music?

Are you guys drunks?

Are you guys talking about drugs?

Are you into Rebecca?

Are you jealous?

Are you kidding me?

Are you kidding me?

Are you kidding me?

Are you kidding? I would love some poké.

Are you kidding? Right?!

Are you like a love doctor?

Are you listening to me?

Are you listening to me?

Are you lost?

Are you mad at me?

Are you making healthy choices?

Are you my assistant? Great.

Are you not gonna turn me in to the federales?

Are you okay, Cabbage Patch?

Are you okay?

Are you okay?

Are you out of your mind?