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Home > The Shakiest Gun in the...
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The Shakiest Gun in the West

The Shakiest Gun in the West

"The Shakiest Gun in the West" is a hilarious comedy film that was released in 1968. It stars the legendary actor Don Knotts in the lead role and is directed by Alan Rafkin. The movie follows the misadventures of Jesse W. Haywood, a hopelessly inept dentist who finds himself in the Wild West.

The story begins when Jesse leaves his small dental practice to follow his dream of becoming a cowboy. He heads west to set up a dental practice in the town of St. Joseph, where he soon finds himself in over his head. Jesse's lack of courage, poor marksmanship, and sheer clumsiness make him the laughingstock of the town.

Throughout the film, Jesse encounters a colorful cast of characters, including Penelope "Bad Penny" Cushings, played by Barbara Rhoades, who becomes his love interest. Don Knotts delivers his trademark physical comedy and masterful timing, making "The Shakiest Gun in the West" a laugh-out-loud experience from start to finish.

The film is filled with classic slapstick humor, witty one-liners, and memorable scenes. From Jesse's disastrous attempt at holding up a gang of outlaws to his comical gunfight with a rival gunslinger, every moment is filled with laughter. Don Knotts' portrayal of Jesse as an endearing, bumbling fool creates an instant connection with the audience.

If you're a fan of western comedies or classic Don Knotts films, "The Shakiest Gun in the West" is a must-watch. It perfectly showcases Knotts' comedic genius and ability to elevate any role with his unique style. The film also features a wonderful supporting cast that includes Edward Andrews as the town's corrupt mayor and Frank McGrath as Jesse's loyal buddy.

To fully immerse yourself in the Wild West experience, you can easily find and play the sounds from "The Shakiest Gun in the West" online or download them for later enjoyment. The iconic theme music, the gunshots, and the hilarious dialogue can transport you back to 1968 and the charm of this comedy classic.

Whether you're looking for a lighthearted comedy or a trip down memory lane, "The Shakiest Gun in the West" is a film that will leave you in stitches. Don Knotts' hilarious performance, the witty dialogue, and the delightful ensemble cast make this movie a timeless treasure. So grab some popcorn, sit back, and prepare yourself for a side-splitting adventure in the Wild West!

A big...
A coyote.
A dress shop?
A dress shop? Hold it, Penny!
A husband? Mm hmm.
A nickel?
A real dentist.
A seven shooter?
A tooth saved is a silver dollar in the bank of health.
Aaah! Scare ya?
Abacus cadabacus!
Abel Swanson will sell you anything you want.
Able to understand the machinations of the Oriental calculating abacus.
Add that up, will you, Wong?
Adjustments are free up to 60 days. After that, it's a dollar a visit.
After 30 years of rustling cattle and holding up banks, I'm packing it in.
After all, this is the final examination for these dental students.
Ah wan no.
Ah wan no.
Ah, a professional man! What a pleasure to do business with a man of science!
Ah, si, si.! Senora dentista. Aqui.
Ah. Ah. Watay?
Air!
All right now! Hold it! Hold it!
All right, everybody out of that stage. Come on!
All right, everybody. Stand back. Give this man air.
All right, make way for the mother of a dentist.
All right, Mr. Kid.
All right.
All right.
All right. Come on, men. Let's go.
All right. I'll give you $ 1,000.
All right. I'll give you $850.
All right. It's true.
All righty, Miss Stevenson. Now, first things first.
All the years we've been together, I never heard you mention that once.
All you need is somethin' wearin' pants goin' that way.
Always room for an emerg...
And Arnold the Kid from the window.
And besides, m my main mission in life right now i i is to go west.
And Celia's Leonard was going to give you...
And for your all being so nice and everything.
And fulfill my lifelong ambition.
And he sure ain't no Mormon.
And I came out here all the way from Philadelphia
And I intend to go further west!
And I'll pay nothin' but a fair price.
And I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.
And I'm leaving on the next wagon train out!
And I'm too thin.
And in two months, California!
And one in the pants.
And one in the pants.
And one in the pants.
And parents.
And she used me.
And she... she tricked me.
And suddenly, out of the blue sky,
And that'll be cash, of course.
And then a plan began a formulatin' in my mind.
And to apologize for, uh...
And to make it even, it'll be just you against me and the good Reverend here.
And we'll just take care of it.
And you can tell him that just because I'm from out of town,
And you up there, throw down that strongbox!
And you, Jesse, are hereby man and wife.
And you've always kept your word, Ma.
And, well, when I see something like that,
And... west.
Any notion as to how the rifles are getting to the Indians?
Anytime you're ready, Heywood.
Appears to me like he could be of some help.
Are we going to open up that mouth?
Are you all right? Uh huh. Yeah. Fine.
Are you beddy bye?
Are you changing?
Are you coming back?
Are you kiddin'?
Aren't you going to ask me to come in?
Arnold the Kid.
Arnold, kill Heywood, I'll give you $600.
As I said, it was all part of the plan.
As we, uh, stand on the threshold...
At least we can ride together as far as Hole in the Wall.
Atta way, Doc. Boy, you sure are something.
Attaboy, Reverend! Now, just hold it!
Attaboy! All the way down!
Attagirl.
Aw, Ma! Now don't "aw" me.
Aww, a "purty" little thing like that and a derby dude,
Aww.
Awww.
Bang. { Gunshot]
Be careful.
Be sure he gets on it.
Beats me.
Because the West is a place where few, if any, dentists have trod.
Better hear me out. This paper's a full pardon.
Bloated thin failure! That's me!
Blue ducks.
Brush your dentist twice a day. Visit your toothbrush once a year.
But all the plans, all the nice surprises.
But I ain't seen you all day. Doc Heywood! The sheriff wants you!
But I don't get it. One minute you're a bank robber,
But I don't like to be called a tender ninny.
But I have a terrible toothache.
But I wouldn't want you to come with me.
But our marriage is getting pretty shaky.
But rules are rules and I gotta stick to 'em.
But the government said they'd clean up my record if I did this job for them.
But watch him. He's real slick.
But we have a toothache, haven't we?
But you said... I mean, I thought that we...
But you're my wife.
But, Doctor, you've always been such a delicate little boy.
But, Jesse, dear, it stands to reason... Uh, Ma, Ma, Ma!
But, uh, I'd like very much to see you socially sometime.
But, uh, well, I'm just gonna tell you straight out.
Butt out! I'm family!
By the authority invested in me by the Church,
Call me "Doctor."
Chance to get away! You wanna let me tell this, fella?
Come on now! Come on now! Wh Where ar... are you?
Come on, Doc. Drink up.!
Come on, Doc. Speak up.
Come on, let's go.!
Come on, Lyle! Ernie, come on!
Come on, you little dickins! I'll find you!
Come on!
Come on. I wanna close up.
Come on. Out.
Come... Come on! Wait a minute! Wait...
Complete closure of the oral cavity, eh?
Could you tell me where I could buy a wagon and a good team of horses?
Darn women. So excitable.
Darn you, Lyle! Dr. Heywood!
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here...
Dentist, you're crazy! Are you all right?
Devils! Hold it.
Did you hear about it? I heard.
Did you know I had to take my own cousin to the graduation dance?
Did you want me for something?
Didn't mean to scare Indian fighter.
Do you know what I think?
Do you know what I think?
Doc Heywood's with 'em. He sure is.
Doc the Heywood, the well known Indian fighter,
Doc the Heywood.
Doctor, we have an emergency in the lobby.
Don't get caught, Pop. Remember your dress shop.
Don't know nothing about the federal government.
Don't look back, Ma.
Don't mean that I ain't artistic.
Don't you get it, Zack? She's got the sweets on me.
Don't you understand? If the Indians get those rifles, they'll wipe out this town.
Done and done.
Double dare, knock off the chip!
Dr. And Mrs. Jesse W. Heywood.
Dr. And Mrs. Jesse W. Heywood. Philadelphia.
Dr. And Mrs. Jesse W. Heywood. Philadelphia.
Dr. Friedlander?
Dr. Heywood! Wake up! Wake up!
Dr. Jesse W. Heywood, dentist, Philadelphia.
Dr. Jesse W. Heywood. Room three.
During the music? Yes!
Emergency.
Escape marriage all these years?
Everything going okay, Heywood?
Everything's just moving too fast.
Except for these bindings. They're killing my hands.
Excuse me, bunky. Is this about it?
Excuse me, sir.
Excuse me. Excuse me, fellas. Excuse me.
Excuse me. I'll let it go for a hundred dollars.
Expecting someone a bit more horsey?
Expensive? Too expensive for a vehicle worthy of transporting...
Extraordinary mind. You, sir, are amazing.
Faculty, students...
Failure, failure, failure, failure.
Failure, failure, failure.
Fifty cents a foot! Wholesale!
Fine. Speed it up. The wagon train leaves in an hour.
Fine. Uh huh. Fine.
First you came to me with a toothache; we got married;
First, I must warn you, I'm not taking on any new clients.
Fix this crate. What are you trying to do, get us thrown in jail?
For $3.00 a month.
Forget my husband.
Fort Tyler?
Forty seven dollars? The stove was $7.50.
Four rolls of wallpaper.
Fred, got a passenger for ya on the through stage.
Gant and Basch?
Get in the wagon.
Get me out of here!
Get out of my way.
Get ready. They're comin'!
Get the women and the kids back into the church. Get back in the church!
Gettin' ready to head west.
Go ahead!
Go ahead. Laugh!
Go to Boston and open up a little dress shop.
Goin' out west, partner?
Golly Ned, Mother!
Good bye, dear.
Good day, sir. Abel Swanson, proprietor, at your service.
Good for you, Ma.
Good night, Doc.
Good!
Good. We'll leave day after tomorrow at sunup.
Gosh, honey, I didn't realize you missed me so much.
Government business? What kind of government business?
Gracias, senor.
Gracias.
Gracias. It was a pleasure doing business with you, sir. Chop chop!
Gratitude! Gratitude! Some nice gratitude!
Great work, Doc. You showed them.
Guard duty, Dr. Heywood.
Gunfighter.
Hands have always run in my family.
Handsome...
Have a little supper...
Have you ever been in the Orient, sir? Huh?
Have you ever been in the Orient?
He has instructed those who have entered into this relationship, etc.
He sure looks like a dentist to me.
He was a spottin' their signs!
He was blowing his nose in the middle of the street.
He was run over by a beer wagon!
He'll cheat you if he gets a chance.
He's crazy about me.
He's just some Philadelphia jay I got tied up with to get me out here.
He's no minister. And he's no minion.
He's probably got a badly impacted wisdom tooth.
Heck no! You kiddin'?
Heck, you're always better off with a specialist, anyway.
Hello, Dentist.
Hello!
Help! Help!
Help! Ohhh!
Here, Ma.
Here, read this.
Here, you may need it.
Here, you want me to give you a hand with this?
Here. We're gonna need this when we make our break.
Hey, I think you might have something with that Minister Gant.
Hey, maybe you and your husband could scout around the church.
Hey, this is pretty excitin'.
Hey, you sure handled that nice last night, Doc.
Hey! Great! Attaboy!
Heywood, I'm even gonna let you draw first.
Heywood!
Hmm? Yeah. I'm awake. I'm awake.
Hmm.
Hmm. Emergency.
Hold it like that now.
Hold it, driver.!
Hold it, Penny. Count me out. What?
Hold it, please. Just a minute.
Hold it! Hold it! Hold it! Why, you...
Hold it! What's the matter?
Hold your voice down!
Hold your voice down. Of course.
Hoot owl.
Hot digs! Come to 2,200 apiece.
How am I gonna get out west if I don't have any horses?
How come you sold me that wagon and all that stuff?
How did a wonderful professional man like you...
How did that happen?
How many did we give out?
How much is it? Built of the finest oak.
How much? One hundred and fifty dollars.
How strange fate is!
How would you know?
How you gonna do it?
How're you doing, Heywood? Fine. Fine.
How's it going, Heywood? Fine. Fine.
Huh, I didn't know it myself!
Huh?
Huh?
Huh? Oh... Oh, sure! Yeah! Come in, come in.
Hurry it up! He don't answer.
Hyah!
Hyah!
I am Bad Penny Cushings.
I can't believe this! I just can't...
I can't get married without telling my mother.
I can't tell you any more.
I can't... I can't get loose.
I come to relieve you, Doc. I reckon you got some chores you want to fulfill, huh?
I couldn't sleep, so I decided to take a walk.
I declare that you, Penelope, and, uh, you, uh...
I don't feel at all that this is actually... I mean, the whole... the thing...
I don't know about grabbin' women! I ain't married!
I don't know what you're talking about, lady.
I don't know, Penny. Everything's just moving too fast.
I don't know.
I don't know. Something just come over me.
I don't think you're too thin.
I ever had this much money at one time in my whole life.
I expect to be leaving town shortly.
I figure the best time to get out is after they all get a little drunker.
I figured I'd lay back a ways and draw 'em off the main body.
I get that from my mother.
I got on a romance track.
I got two stagecoaches lined up next week. A hundred miles apart.
I gotta get back on that dentist's track.
I gotta have water. L...
I guess we don't need this anymore.
I have always been...
I have the same trouble every place I go.
I have to tell you.
I hear he's pretty good with a six gun.
I hear that Arnold the Kid's in town.
I heard two shots.
I just can't believe it.
I just hate this kind of stuff! Grab her, Floyd!
I just love a man that can't make his...
I just love this kind of stuff. Oh, come on!
I just sort of go all fuzzy.
I just wanted to express my deepest sympathy...
I killed twelve Indians and two horses in one fight.
I knew it! That whole dentist outfit was a dodge.
I know this is no time to bring this up, but how much is it?
I mean, I feel bad about that. Makes me feel terrible.
I mean, none of those...
I mean, teeth are fallin' out right and left out there.
I mean, you just don't fix a tooth one minute and get married the next.
I meet you.
I probably should have made an appointment.
I promised myself I wouldn't cry.
I realize how busy you must be.
I realize that this is hardly the time or place to bring this up,
I said I think the best thing to do is to go to bed.
I said, "Celia, I'm not going to cry at the station."
I shot the Indians from inside the wagon.
I shot two at the can,
I should've known better.
I suppose so.
I think I might faint.
I think you're very nice.
I think you're wonderful.
I thought you wanted to get rid of that jay.
I threw up on her dress.
I told you to do that before we left!
I want to get a rig and a couple of good strong horses.
I was in the same boat as you 35 years ago.
I was watchin' the whole thing. Now, let's see. There was, uh,
I wasted all my shots like a darned dumbbell! Don't you remember?
I will, Ma.
I wonder what she's up to.
I wonder. What?
I, too, am alone and going west.
I'd at least like you to meet my mother.
I'd like to see Mr. Swanson about gettin' a good rig and a team.
I'll bet you think I'm crying right now.
I'll bet. I cried like a baby.
I'll explain it later. Right now I'm on government business.
I'll explain one of these days, but not right now.
I'll get a professional.
I'll get, uh... get something else here.
I'll head north and try to draw 'em off. Good luck, honey.
I'll help you here. I'll get that... There. Open that...
I'll just change in the closet.
I'll just, uh...
I'll make my play. I'll make my play.
I'll meet you here in half an hour.
I'll never forget my wedding night as long as I live.
I'll tell you what. Could you just, uh... open your mouth?
I'll, uh, tie it over here.
I'm a dentist!
I'm a roofer. Been a roofer all my life.
I'm afraid not, dentist. You couldn't hit a bleeding elephant in the snow.
I'm afraid not. But...
I'm back.
I'm crazy about you. Isn't that enough?
I'm gonna spread dental health through the West like a plague!
I'm gonna tell you something. I'm in teeth!
I'm her best friend.
I'm not a failure.
I'm so glad you're back.
I'm sorry to bother you like this,
I'm sorry to have to tell you that, dentist.
I'm sorry.
I've been looking all over town for you.
I've got to get to Fort Tyler to get the military.
If he were mine, I'd know what to do. Put him across my knee.
If I found out who's smuggling rifles to the Indians.
If that skinny little Philadelphia jasper could be a federal agent.
If you don't believe me, ask Celia.
If you don't get that mouth open and get that tooth fixed,
If you don't open your mouth, then I can't see anything.
In a few hours, we'll stop...
In one week, I'll be in St. Louis.
In two days, I'll be in Ohio.
Indians! Indians!
Ippity doo, kanaba dip,
Is a fake.
Is it a real pardon?
Is it in your mouth? Oh, yeah.
Is that right?
Is that you?
Is the only one of its kind west of the Mississippi.
Isn't that Laughing Deer's daughter?
It doesn't pay to drink too fast when you're thirsty.
It scares me this much.
It was all part of the plan!
It was your father's sinuses that killed him.
It would be, wouldn't it?
It's a pleasure to do business with a discerning man.
It's a trick! I just love this kind of stuff!
It's all bloat.
It's been exactly a half hour.
It's Gant and Basch!
It's got the governor's signature on it.
It's her. She's the agent. Let's get her.
It's important that you cooperate.
It's our wedding night.
It's really none of your business. Now, let's get out of here.
It's really very attractive.
It's true! It is absolutely true!
Jesse, Jesse, Jesse!
Jesse! You're alive!
Jesse.
Jesse. Jesse.
Just 'cause I'm rough and dirty and don't wear underwear,
Just a minute, son. Penny, look... He says it's important!
Just a second. Hold 'er up.
Just as long as I'm standing here, right here, right now. It's the truth.
Just think, Ma.
Just... wa...
Keep your eye on the road.
L I almost forgot. Well, what about the horses?
L I don't even know you.
Laugh all you like.
Leonard, get that picture developed as soon as you can.
Let me go! Jesse's out there. { Gunshots]
Let's go, Reverend!
Let's go.
Let's go.
Like what? Like stealing rifles from a nice church?
Lizard roll.
Look at those clothes. He's a gunny for sure.
Look, you might as well know.
Looks like we're going dancing.
Love your hat!
Lovers' quarrel, that's all. All right, back to bed.
Ma, what's that?
Ma, you got something for the porter? Got a nickel?
Ma'am? Wa... Wait just...
Madam, madam, please be patient.
Make camp...
Make your play!
Man!
Mark in life.
Marshal Bates here wants to talk to you.
Me too!
Miss Cushings, I've got a proposition for you.
Mm hmm.
Mm hmm.
Mm hmm.
Mm hmm.
Mm hmm. Yeah. Thanks. Good luck.
Mmm mm. Mmm.
Mmm!
Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom.
Mr. And Mrs. Hiram Remington. Atlanta.
Mr. Huggins? That's right.
Mr. Swanson?
Much obliged.
My mother will just never forgive me for this.
My profile?
My wife got him from a window.
My wife.
Naka washa.
Nice couple.
Nice going.
Nice posse size. Let's get outta here.
No need to poke fun at my only weak point.
No single women. Company rules.
No women alone on the wagon train.
No, I never have.
No, it's no trick. Now listen to me carefully.
No, no, you see, if, uh...
No. I'm gonna take this here money...
No. No more.
No. Not now. Let's wait till Doc Heywood ain't here.
No. The Deer girl married White Antelope.
Nobody ever loved me.
Nobody? Nobody.
Nope. There could even be some on the wagon train we're taking.
North, south, east...
Not interested!
Now I realize that that may have come about as a result of your grief.
Now listen, I think 150 will be okay. Sold!
Now remember that! Come on, fix it!
Now simmer down! You just simmer down, Penny.
Now that seems kind of expensive to me!
Now then, the witnesses there, Mrs. Longbaugh and Slosh White, are 25 cents each,
Now wa... We're strangers. You know that, don't you?
Now wait a minute! Hold it!
Now we're just gonna take a little look see at your general dental condition.
Now what do you think about that?
Now you've gone just a little bit too far.
Now, can I count on you to keep this quiet? Of course!
Now, everything you need is right over here.
Now, how do you like those bananas?
Now, I don't want you to think that I'm not grateful for the drinks,
Now, I want to know what's going on.
Now, let's put you into a wagon. Right this way.
Now, let's see. A stove, $7.50; skillet, $4.20; flour, $8.50; $9.75 for an axe.
Now, look. I don't know if you realize it,
Now, Miss Stevenson,
Now, open your mouth, dear.
Now, stay in your chair and try to relax.
Now, uh, what do you think about that?
Now, wait a minute, Reverend. I ain't gonna tangle with him.
Now, wait a minute! J Just wait a minute!
Now, what's this all about?
Now, who killed 'em?
Of stepping out into new horizons:
Oh, boy!
Oh, come on, now.
Oh, do you know something? Hmm?
Oh, excuse me, is this car 24?
Oh, golly, heck! There's always...
Oh, I'm sorry. I'm just so darned excited.
Oh, Jesse!
Oh, Jesse!
Oh, Ma, that's an old wives' tale.
Oh, say. Can I have that? I'd kind of like to keep it for a souvenir.
Oh, uh, thank you, dear lady.
Oh, uh... I like to keep my hand in.
Oh, uh... uh, ma'am?
Oh, yeah, yeah. Thank you. Thank you.
Oh, yeah?
Oh, yeah. Thank you. Well, I'll just, uh...
Oh, your hands! Oh, they're lovely!
Oh!
Oh! Oh, uh...
Oh! Oh! Help! Aaah!
Oh! Well, I, uh... There!
Oh? Strictly federal business.
Oh.
Oh. Excuse me.
Oh. Howdy.
Oh. Well.
Oh. Yeah.
Ohhh.
Ohhh.
Okay.
Okay. All right. Now, all right.
Okay. I'm gonna tell you something right now.
Once owned by one of the great pioneers of our west,
Once there, we get in touch with Will Banks.
One at the skillet...
One at the skillet...
One of the great scientific minds of our day?
One, maybe two months.
Oooh! Aah!
Oooh! Aah!
Op... Open wide.
Open that rotten little mouth!
Open up, boys. Everything's under control.
Open up. Come on, come on.
Pass the word to clear the street.
Payable immediately following the ceremony.
Penelope Cushings. Won't you come in?
Penelope?
Penelope?
Penny, hmm. Penny, she's really somethin', you know that?
Penny!
Penny!
Penny! { Floorboard Creaks]
Penny! { Penny] Shut up.!
Penny! Keep it quiet!
Penny! Pen...
Penny! Penny!
Penny! What are you doing?
Phony gunfighter.
Put it on, Heywood.
Put me down!
Relax. Up we go.
Remington! Tyler! Some of you men, let's go!
Rest stop! Rest stop!
Reverend Zachary Gant and my loyal minion, Matthew Basch!
Reverend. Minion.
Rider coming in!
Right.
Rotten Buffalo's cousin? Ohhh!
Run over those figures for him again, Wong.
Sam Huggins would be talking to you now, but they shot him.
Sat tey wahn ney.!
Sat tey wahn ney.!
Say, Doc, now we hear tell that you fell far behind the main wagon train.
Say, Doc, tell us just how you killed all them Indians.
Say, Doc. How 'bout us havin' a real gunfight, huh?
See what's in them boxes.
See, actually I'm a dentist. See, I'm not a doctor.
See, I'd been spotting their signs for quite a while.
See, there's one thing you gotta keep in mind about Indians.
See? That's the way that works.
She made me think...
She won't open her mouth.
Shhh!
Shots came from across the street. This fellow staggered in.
Simple. I'll have you pick a fight with him. Gun him down in the street.
Single handed to fight oral ignorance!
Sir, this wagon befits you.
Skilled in the arts of mathematics, physics, chemistry.
So I am going to trod there.
Somebody's been smuggling guns to some renegade Comanche Indians.
Sort of get the lay of the land.
Sort of.
Sounds like maybe 10 or 15 horses.
Speaking of west, that is the direc...
Speed it up, Reverend.
Strictly federal business?
Strictly.
Sure am, partner.
Sure, Doc. Help yourself.
Sure. Well, you just sit right down there,
Take cover and start using that six gun!
Take my friend Black Eagle and fix him up with a big rare steak!
Tall...
Teeth are falling out in Philadelphia too.
Tender ninny!
Territory tax?
Thank you.
Thank you.
That comes to $232.55.
That comes to $47, even. Now for the wagon...
That Doc's a gutty little cuss.
That don't mean I don't know what it's all about.!
That girl. I think I know her.
That is correct.
That is the direction that I personally am going to.
That means, uh, he's got four to go.
That name don't scare you?
That she loved me.
That tallies 181.
That was good, though. Was good.
That was just to get on the wagon train.
That was on purpose.
That was to give the wagon train a chance to get away.
That you, Willie?
That's 'cause you're strong, Ma. { Whistle Blows]
That's all.
That's amazing. Simply amazing.
That's an even $250 with the territory tax.
That's dandy.
That's good! What is that?
That's Heywood out there practicing.
That's not Episcopalian!
That's okay.
That's part of it. The main thing is if he nicks me,
That's right! Clean shot!
That's right. This was my last job.
That's Sam Huggins, the lawyer.
That's six. Call him out.
That's the story of my life, you know.
That's the ticket. Just pull up behind that last wagon.
The church? Aqui.
The government promised me amnesty...
The greatest! Attaboy, Doc!
The hands of a surgeon.
The Heywood wagon. It ain't with us.
The late Sir Lincoln Boone.
The man who got Arnold the Kid. Well.
The marshal wants you to work as an undercover agent.
The minister and his loyal minion?
The moon is on the wane.
The most failure of anybody,
The mother of Jesse W. Heywood, valedictorian.
The next minute you're working for the government.
The only thing I can recommend is you find yourself a husband by 5:00 tomorrow mornin'.
The skillet was $4.20. That's $11.70. Then you have...
The song is 50 cents extra. Would you like the song?
The sooner I get rid of him, the better.
The wagon you are beholding... soon to be yours...
Them Indians is ten times as scared as you are...
Then a plan began a formulatin' in his mind!
Then beddy bye.
Then I found out you're a crook. Then you're not a crook, you're working with the government.
Then I got on a gunslinger's track.
There he is! Hey!
There he is! Hey! Doc!
There isn't any time. We've got to catch the wagon train,
There was a reason for that.
There was two at the can,
There we are.
There. That'll be a real nice picture for us.
There's a potbellied stove, wrought iron skillet,
There's plenty more where that came from, Pop.
They ain't likely to be federal men.
They checked on him back East, and he ain't no Pentecostal.
They couldn't find one persuasion that ever heard tell of him.
They told me this outfit was an original.
They're gainin' on us. We gotta split up.
Things are moving too fast.
This is really the beginning...
This is really the beginning... Louder.!
This is so sudden, Miss Cushings.
This is your lucky day!
This'll be easy pickin's, Pop.
Those Bible boxes were sure long and heavy.
Those half naked savages must have colds all the time.
Thought I heard something.
To Doc Heywood, Indian fighter!
To pull the wool over Jesse W. Heywood's eyes.
Tonight's our wedding night.
Twelve Indians, two horses and Arnold the Kid.
Twenty pounds of flour, one axe, two extra handles.
Two at the sign,
Two at the sign,
Two at the sign, one at the skillet...
Two in the can,
Two men held us up out on the Willow Creek Road. They got the strongbox.
Two things have always been my downfall.
Uh huh.
Uh huh.
Uh huh. Okay. All right.
Uh uh.
Uh, all the way down, mack. Thank you.
Uh, back that way. Huh. Well...
Uh, come on now, Miss Stevenson. Seriously. Open your mouth.
Uh, Dr. Friedlander,
Uh, have you seen this "ladiola"?
Uh, I didn't know you could shoot like that.
Uh, I'll see you. Oh, wait a minute!
Uh, is this car 24?
Uh, look, I hope I didn't give the hotel a bad name by fainting.
Uh, look, Mr. Welsh, I have got to get on this wagon train.
Uh, ma'am, uh...
Uh, ma'am! Oh, ma'am!
Uh, ma'am. Excuse me, ma'am.
Uh, n no charge.
Uh, Penny! Penny!
Uh, there's something that l...
Uh, uh, uh...
Uh, well...
Uh, well... Now wait a... That's enough. I, uh...
Uh, west is that...
Uh!
Uh!
Uh! Air! I gotta have air!
Uh...
Uh... it's you!
Uh... l... I need my mirror.
Uh... morning!

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