The Happytime Murders Edit

A dirty sun drenched beauty contest

A felty? No.

A few questions, if you don't mind.

A fresh batch of margaritas, huh?

A little help here! Can you get me some help?

A little.

A puppet song, sweetheart?

A real pinata party, huh?

About the Happytime murders.

Absolutely. Um, it's in the office behind the theater.

Accidentally, uh, burned down the evidence.

Actually her name is Sandra Peterson.

Actually, I don't know what the hell I am anymore.

Actually, not really a friend,

AGENT CAMPBELL: And why would he do that?

AGENT CAMPBELL: Freeze, Philips!

AGENT CAMPBELL: That's it! You're done, Edwards.

Ah, ah, ah! Better tone, same shitty words.

Ah, it's great to see you, Lieutenant.

Ah, shit, shit, shit.

Ah, that looks really painful.

Ah, well, I didn't think I was unkempt.

Ah!

Ahh!

All I'm seeing is that you look like a cloth vagina.

All right, all right, all right. Move.

All right, all right, I'm going hot and loud.

All right, but what are you gonna do to me, huh?

All right, I'll huff...

All right, I'll take the front.

All right, I'm gonna get us in.

All right, I'm sorry.

All right, if it bothers you.

All right, just slow down. Here comes the street up here.

All right, let's go. Wanna help me get the hell out of here?

All right, so you're a psycho.

All right, thanks, Bubbles, you're a real peach.

All right, this nose has been

All right, well... (CLEARS THROAT)

All right.

All right. Let me, uh...

All right. Son of a bitch.

ALL: It's Happytime!

All's I know is, is that he's a real sugar smack,

Also, I have also noted that

Always works on assholes.

Am I a human? Am I a puppet?

Am I right? I mean, that guy knows.

An eight arm reach around, all right?

And a sexy skeleton in my closet.

And again, and again, and again...

And all the other fine ladies here tonight

And as much as I hated to admit it...

And Augustus Bumblypants their start.

And by Titanic, I mean your cock.

And celebrate together.

And Edwards had gone moody as shit,

And fill him back up with rice pilaf.

And guess what I found.

And he could have me all to himself.

And he put in a motion with the mayor's office

And he wanted to run away together.

And he's probably holed up in that sugar den

And he's your typical shyster, meat sack piece of shit.

And how long had you been having this affair?

And I can't do it by myself

And I certainly don't have a crippling addiction to porn.

And I don't wanna have to call a judge on you, you know,

And I live with that guilt every day.

And I made a jacket out of her.

And I needed the money.

And I ruined all of our lives in the process,

And I stopped by the office to check in.

And I wish I would've fucked you, Donnie.

And I'd like to take you out to dinner,

And I'll puff, and I'll blow your fucking door down!

And I'm gonna be there waiting for you, Phil,

And I'm gonna have the best goddamn sleep of my life.

And I'm gonna put you inside a king size pillowcase

And I'm gonna take you down with extreme prejudice.

And I'm really fucking good at it.

And keep a low profile?

And next door neighbors Ezra and Cara.

And no one's...

And nobody even knows where Goofer is.

And now, with $10 million, I can do anything.

And said you murdered her wife, Jenny Peterson.

And sent me to that porno shop.

And some oatmeal.

And taking over their land.

And that's my office there.

And then I'd be rich,

And they get real uppity if I don't keep them in line...

And we have a witness to prove it.

And what do you mean, she didn't exist? Everybody exists.

And who would care about a puppet's share

And you know what? Everybody knows

And you said, "What?"

And you shouldn't be following people, Bubbles.

And, Phil, I talked to the captain,

And, uh...

And? And, "Good afternoon, Detective Edwards."

ANNOUNCER: Returning this fall,

ANNOUNCER: You're watching

Any calls?

Any other way.

Apaches? What? What did you say?

Are dead and you could be next.

Are you a TV star, too?

Are you looking for some rotten cotton?

Are you Officer Shenanigans?

As you can see, she's the kind of girl

Ass Puppet Jamboree.

Asshole says what?

At home with Jenny, Coach Lyle,

At least then we'd know who the killer is.

At that contract for the syndication deal.

At the edge of the Pacific.

At the family picnic

Attaboy!

Augustus Bumblypants or Larry Shenanigans?

Bad dogs! Bad dogs!

BANNING: (SIGHS) Jesus, Phil.

BANNING: I can put a black and white on Jenny,

Be on the lookout for ex puppet cop Phil Philips.

Beat his head in, threw him off the pier.

Because my Aunt Ruby tragically died

Because our vaginas are literally velvet.

Because sure as shit no one else is.

Because there's one thing they have in common

Better get that damn light out of my eye.

Better.

Big enough to take down the Titanic.

Bingo.

Bitches be crazy.

Bite the tip!

Blue male, three and a half feet tall.

Both Philips bros don't need to change the world.

BOTH: The Happytime Gang.

BOY 1: No, you stupid puppet.

Boy, puppets are the worst, huh?

Bring her ass over here.

BRITTENIE: They were such bad, bad, bad dogs.

Bubbles, hey, you know, I was thinking...

Bubbles, secretary.

BUBBLES: Jeez, this must have taken years.

BUBBLES: Oh, hello.

BUBBLES: Oh, my God.

BUBBLES: Purple hair on a puppet, that's very rare.

BUBBLES: Shh!

BUBBLES: What a psycho.

Bumbly would've wanted to die in a porn shop.

Bumblypants was the target there.

But Ezra and Cara live in Lancaster.

But go fuck yourself.

But I had no juice to do it with, and now I do.

But I have a sensitive tummy,

But I like a little cushion for my cushion.

But I tailed her to a rat trap of an apartment in Hollywood.

But I will only give you pain!

But I'm glad you're still here.

But I'm just afraid this asshole

But it was a two hour drive,

But it's $300 a day, plus expenses.

But little puppets have big mouths, right?

But sometimes, you can be a real asshole.

But to a puppet, pure ecstasy.

But we don't allow humans in our game.

But what the hell happened to all your Happytime money?

But you don't actually like him for this, do you?

But you made me realize I like killing.

But you're pretty cute for a fella in a suit.

But you're the best damn cop I've ever seen.

But, what, did I miss another body around here?

By the way, I want a divorce.

By the way, nobody really wears their hat,

By the way, you sleep with your mouth wide open.

Bye bye, asshole.

Bye bye, puppet.

Can I get you a coffee?

Can just walk right into my apartment.

Can stuff!

Can we just stick to what's going on here, please?

Can you roll down the window, for Christ's sake?

Can't you see I'm trying, you know, to...

Carol, we never got to talk, but you seem cool.

Cheesy, creasy, so... (GASPS)

CHUCK: Oh, yeah, she wants me!

Civilian casualty and officer down. Sixth and Grand.

Clean up on Aisle Phil.

Come in. Shut the door.

Come on out, you little psycho.

Come on, guys. You don't really have to cuff him, do you?

Come on, I can tell you've had crabs before.

Come on, Phil, don't do this again.

Come on.

Come on.

Come on. Let's end this thing.

Coming!

Consider yourself suspended.

COP: Freeze, Philips!

COW PUPPET: Oh!

Daddy! Daddy!

DALMATIAN PUPPET: Now a new kind of pleasure.

DALMATIAN PUPPET: You are a disgusting fireman. (GRUNTS)

DALMATIAN PUPPET: You are my slave.

Damn it, Phil, Jesus!

Damn! She got me that way, too.

David Copperfield makes it snow inside.

Decorated officers in this department.

Detective Edwards, look.

Detective Philips?

Did you tell her that I was in Minnesota attending a funeral

Dirty little puppet secret, huh?

Do it, meat sack, take it.

Do you have any coke?

Do you have some sugar for Goofer, friend? (CHUCKLES)

Do you know what they'll do to a puppet ex cop in prison?

Do you remember the first time you ever walked me to my car?

Do you think I could see those?

Do you want me to go for my gun?

Does this smell like chloroform to you?

Dogs barking, fire hoses.

Don't do this for that purple pubed monster.

Don't fuck this one up, Phil. She's one of the good ones.

Don't fuck this up.

Don't make this harder than it has to be.

Don't tell Officer Shenanigans.

Don't upset the fans.

Don't waste your time, Mr. P.

Don't worry, he retains very little information.

Don't you know that poaching puppets

Down there. What, do you have alligator arms? Get it!

Dr. Trevor, we have a fleshy

DR. TREVOR: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Driver, can I ask you a quick question?

Drop that gun, Phil, I don't wanna hurt you.

Drop the fucking gun!

Drop your gun, or I'm gonna fucking kill her!

Drop your gun.

Edwards headed out to the beach to look for Goofer,

Edwards, is your history with Philips

Edwards, what do you see?

Edwards, you know I'm innocent.

Edwards, you're off suspension.

EDWARDS: 'Cause she's like a fuckin' spider monkey.

EDWARDS: (CHUCKLES) All right.

EDWARDS: Eat sugar, you fuck! Get away!

EDWARDS: Everybody knows puppets don't shoot puppets.

EDWARDS: God, I hate the beach.

EDWARDS: I didn't know Jenny was even married.

EDWARDS: I'd love to eat it so much,

EDWARDS: I'm talking about Apaches.

EDWARDS: LAPD!

EDWARDS: My lunch.

EDWARDS: Oh, Philips.

EDWARDS: Okay, can we please just be professional

EDWARDS: Ugh. God.

EDWARDS: We've got ourselves a good old fashioned nutjob.

EDWARDS: What, do you rob houses on the weekends?

EDWARDS: Who is that?

Edwards!

Edwards!

Edwards!

Edwards! Drop the weapon!

Edwards! Jesus Christ.

Edwards! You all right?

Edwards?

Edwards.

Edwards.

Edwards...

Enjoy the show.

Every poison has an antidote.

Excuse me, excuse me.

Excuse me.

Far be it for me to compliment you,

FEMALE PUPPET: You live your truth, baby.

Figures you'd be in the center of this shitstorm.

Fine. I have a puppet liver.

For 50 cents, Goofer will give you a felty.

For 50 cents, I'll suck your dick. (CHUCKLES)

For their feet is illegal?

For your disparaging remarks?

Freaky deaky.

Freeze, police!

Freeze!

Freeze! You're under arrest for being...

Freeze. It's over, Sandra.

From having a puppet as a partner.

From one sugar fix to the next.

Fuck all of you guys.

Fuck you, Reith. You know what?

Fuck you!

Fuck, why are you so tiny?

Fuck.

Fucking choke on it.

Fucking rabbits.

Get a diaper for your fucking mouth.

Get him out of here.

Get me out of here.

Get nostalgic, and drink till I pass out.

Get off!

Give me the carrot. Give me the carrot.

Give me the key. She's getting away.

Glucose, fructose, corn syrup...

Go arrest 'em.

Go get her.

God damn it. There you go, there you go.

God, it's very hard to pull off all white like that.

God, you're so... You're...

Goddamn son of a bitch.

Gonna be a problem here?

Good night, Bubbles.

Good night, Jenny.

Good night, Phil Philips.

Good night, Phil Philips.

Good to see you, Phil.

Good work, you two. I knew you had it in you.

Good. For puppet poachers, they were real sweethearts.

Goof!

Goofer the handyman,

Goofer, need a drink, buddy?

Goofer's washed up.

Got himself a bit of a criminal record.

Gotta go.

Grade A hyper sucrose.

Guaranteed to bring you good luck.

Had a couple of kids,

Happy ending?

Happytime cast members dead within the week.

Happytime Gang cast members dead in a week.

Have a nice day.

Have I made you uncomfortable?

Have you seen him?

Have you seen this puppet?

He produced The Happytime Gang,

He said he killed them all

He was all right, even after the bleach job.

He was my brother and, deep down,

He's a blue loser puppet with a tiny felt cock.

He's servicing a client right now.

Hell, I poisoned every good puppet's chance

Hell, I still had a hard spot for her.

Hell, who doesn't?

Her ass hot like... Fire.

Her hair red like fire.

Here I am. (CHUCKLES)

Here we go, Puppet Pussy Party.

Here, get yourself out.

Here. Better safe than dead.

Here's to Larry, man.

Here's your Chicks With Big Asses.

Hey, Campbell.

Hey, hey, get your fucking...

Hey, hey, get your hands off of me!

Hey, hey. Give him his eye back.

Hey, hey. Hey, what's gotten into you?

Hey, I didn't murder anybody.

Hey, I said a backpack, you said the cooler. So...

Hey, it's a pair of socks!

Hey, Larry coming to you live with the party cam! Whoo hoo!

Hey, Lyle.

Hey, man. Have you seen this puppet?

Hey, Mr. P.

Hey, Phil, why don't you let

Hey, so does this massage include a happy ending or not?

Hey, stupid. Say, "What."

Hey, uh, listen, I need to ask you

Hey, uh, who are your friends?

Hey, Vin, it's Phil.

Hey, Vinny, I found it.

Hey, wait a minute, now. Put that... No, don't do that.

Hey, you don't come at me like that.

Hey, you forgot your carrot.

Hey, you ready for this?

Hey!

Hey! (LAUGHING)

Hey.

Hey. Hey, hey. You want some sugar?

Hey. Hey...

Hey. Hey...

Hey. I was a cop, and a damn good one.

Hiya, folks!

Hmm.

Hmm. So, Ronovan really doesn't benefit

Hmm. What's your secret?

Hmm. You know, I think he...

Holy shitcakes!

Hope your meeting is as satisfying as mine was.

How about that?

How about you apologize to Roxy

How about you come with us,

How are you, dear? Here's your Zuggler bar.

How can I help you, Miss...?

How does that feel, Roxy?

How else was I supposed to get

How the hell did you get in here?

How you doing? Uh, I'm looking for this guy.

How'd she get the drop on you?

Huh!

Huh.

Huh...!

Hurry back 'cause this hot tub

I am gonna make a killing on those royalty checks.

I blew all that cream on panty pie and poody glitter.

I can't believe you fucking shot me.

I can't help noticing this impressive view.

I can't hold it!

I can't read your lips, you're a fucking puppet.

I can't remember every puppet comes in here

I care about was getting knocked off.

I didn't put it on.

I didn't recognize that it was Larry.

I didn't think you were coming around here no more.

I don't actually have my real asshole anymore either.

I don't know her.

I don't know how to take this.

I don't know if that's PC to say.

I don't know what the fuck you're talking about.

I don't know what you expect me to do.

I don't know, babe.

I don't like the way it feels.

I don't remember getting married,

I don't take compliments well, but I get them all the time.

I don't think anybody's there.

I don't think so.

I don't want anything hot from you.

I doubt that very much for you.

I gave your brother

I get very hungry for cold foods.

I got cops on me.

I got it from your apartment.

I gotta keep working

I gotta work for that?

I guess she heard about those guys already.

I guess the carpet does match the d****s.

I have my shit held together.

I have puppet servants at home,

I have quite an appetite.

I have something for that.

I hope my fluff sprays all over your cheap suits.

I hope you don't mind me asking,

I just don't like wearing underwear.

I just don't wanna watch

I just don't want to see you get hurt, all right?

I just got a lucky shot off.

I just gotta see him.

I just happen to like the milkshakes here.

I just need five minutes.

I just needed to lay low,

I just never really cared for that word, if you must know.

I just want to know what you know

I just want you to be safe.

I know I didn't have your back before,

I know it's early, but what the heck.

I loved the dumb son of a bitch.

I loved you.

I mean, all those little dummies want to do

I mean, he used to be, you know, a lot bluer.

I mean, let's be honest.

I mean, no offense, I don't wanna start anything,

I messed up, Sandra.

I missed the shot,

I need your help to save him.

I occasionally wear heels.

I peed on that mirror.

I poisoned me and you, I poisoned my career.

I put her in your office.

I received this in the mail today.

I recognize the pole.

I ruined your life once before,

I said "wife" because you said "wife". Are you saying wife?

I said, "Asshole says what?" and you...

I saw you there, remember?

I saw you there, remember?

I sell weed. (CHUCKLES)

I sense that you are searching.

I should've kept my fuzzy blue in my pants.

I sometimes enjoy the company of a lady.

I still feel sick about it every goddamn day.

I still had a soft spot for her.

I think about pilafing all the time.

I think I did.

I think we should just get on the plane and take off.

I think you gotta take the credit for that one.

I think you might have done some irreparable damage.

I think you missed me. (CHUCKLES)

I thought I was gonna lose you.

I used to love watching you dance.

I want an APB out on that sock now!

I want you to take it more seriously.

I wanted to watch you suffer.

I will make you do all sorts of things for me.

I will need a gallon of kombucha

I will pee on you like you're a hydrant.

I won't. I won't.

I would be... so grateful.

I, uh... I had nowhere else to go.

I... I feel better.

I... I used to be.

I'd also like to point out that that makes three

I'll bring it back when I... Jesus fluffing Christ!

I'll call you when I check into a motel. All right?

I'll give you what I call the "Continental Hot Sock."

I'll stalk you later. I want a selfie.

I'll take the back. Meet you in the middle.

I'll tell you what, lock her up.

I'm a bit of a hoarder.

I'm a businessman, going to do my business.

I'm a PI, and my home is on the streets,

I'm a sexual I'mma.

I'm a witness, you asshole.

I'm a woman.

I'm bringing him on as a consultant.

I'm going back to the FBI.

I'm gonna catch the bastards who did these murders.

I'm gonna go home and change.

I'm gonna have to ice my junk.

I'm gonna shred you into little bitty pieces

I'm gonna take two.

I'm hoping you.

I'm hungry.

I'm just gonna sit here alone,

I'm just scratching and clawing

I'm lightheaded, I'm lightheaded.

I'm not buying that anybody lives here.

I'm not buying that two women live here.

I'm not doing it again.

I'm not doing that.

I'm not reinstating him as a police officer.

I'm not talking about pilafing.

I'm not talking about you.

I'm not whispering, I'm not...

I'm sorry I missed that day.

I'm sorry I shot the wrong guy.

I'm sorry you're struggling.

I'm sorry, beautiful ladies.

I'm sorry, bitches.

I'm sorry, I cannot do anything about it.

I'm sorry, I choked.

I'm sorry, Phil.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. Too soon.

I'm sticking up for him because my gut

I'm taking off. Do you wanna get a drink?

I'm trying not to think about it.

I'm trying to forget about all that.

I'm... I'm sorry a little girl lost her father.

I've been searching public records on Sandra White

I've got it. I've got it.

I've had this sitting in my desk,

If he did it, I'll bring him in myself.

If he makes any contact, I wanna know immediately.

If it was staring them right in the googly eyes.

If my proclivities were to be exposed,

If we quit holding each other's proverbial dicks and split up.

If we want to get you off the hook for this,

If you're gonna eat it, you don't get it.

Impressive.

In a contract anyway, right?

In a Zamboni incident?

In extreme pressure situations.

In fact, when you're working together,

In front of his daughter,

In more fluff than you can imagine.

In my nose!

In my stuffing filled chest was still a...

Into a chew toy and gets away with it.

Is about to be sold into syndication.

Is brought to you by the letter "P".

Is for anyone to see you here.

Is gonna make me pull a warrant.

Is looking for a bigger piece of the pie.

Is Phil in?

Is sing and dance, am I right? (CHUCKLES)

Is telling me that Philips didn't do this.

Is that the bedroom back there?

Is this the carrot?

Is too hot to handle without you.

Isn't it nice just to relax?

It also proves that Phil is innocent.

It feels like Easter in my pants.

It makes me wish I had a dick for you to suck.

It means he was bluer before. I don't know how else to say...

It means you can hear me.

It means, "If I'mma get next to it, I'mma gonna fuck it."

It says. Look. "Paired with Edwards' phone," or something.

It shows a real lack of creativity, guys.

It took me, like, under a minute.

It was actually very easy. I just picked the lock.

It was the first network show starring puppets

It was the first time we met.

It would be devastating to my family.

It'll put a human in a diabetic coma for a month,

It's a melting pot of people who live together in harmony

It's a shithole on the edge of Chinatown.

It's a term they call "pilafing."

It's a tragedy, what happened.

It's dangerous.

It's déjà fucking vu, Phil.

It's full of puppet fluff.

It's just this doesn't sound like something Phil...

It's like a fucking birth.

It's like Children of the Corn.

It's like stealing somebody's car

It's like we're Apache Comanche together,

It's like, he's not gonna sprout wings and fly after us.

It's my fucking charger

It's none of your business why I can go or not.

It's not too late.

It's not.

It's over and you know it.

It's Sandra White. She's one of my clients.

It's the bathroom.

It's The Happytime Gang Season 4 wrap party.

It's their world, and we just live in it.

It's too early for this crap.

It's unethical.

It's up to him, he's the lieutenant.

It's your car, it's on your radio.

It's, like, two mirrors and a laser, and I can do that.

Jacob, we don't talk to meat sacks.

Jeez, you don't have to deny the puppet part of yourself.

Jenny, Jenny, listen to me, listen to me.

JENNY: It's fine, I know the plan.

JENNY: You want some carrot, huh?

Jesucristo.

Jesus Christ, Phil, you look terrible.

Jesus Christ, Phil.

Jesus Christ!

Jesus Christ! I thought it was your shoe.

Jesus Christ. Shut the curtains, would you?

Jesus Christ... Oh, shit, Lyle!

Jesus, I still can't get that squirting cow out of my head.

Jesus, put it away. I'm gonna get us in.

Jesus... (GRUNTS)

JUNKYARD: Flush to the motherfucking queen.

JUNKYARD: Get me some more lean.

Just answer my question.

Just like when that motherfucker

Just shimmy out like Mommy told you to.

Just so you can put new fucking tires on it.

Just tell me, yes or no, have you seen him?

Just to get to me.

Karen is not a real redhead.

Knock him out with his own balls.

Knock it off, you two!

Knock it off, you two.

LAPD, Robbery Homicide Division.

LAPD!

Larry and Jenny didn't have anything to do with this.

Larry, Jenny everyone in this world

LARRY: (ON TV) Let me see you work it, Bumblypants.

LARRY: Here comes my brother with his partner.

LARRY: Here we go.

LARRY: Hey, Britty!

Larry! Get out of my way. Get out of my way!

Larry... (SIGHS)

Larry's birthday at the, uh...

Last seen fleeing on foot from 1643...

Let's dance.

Let's hit it, let's go.

Let's party all night.

Let's try it again.

Lieutenant Banning, police.

Lieutenant, I think I found the murder weapon.

Lieutenant, this wasn't a robbery. This was a hit.

Lieutenant, uh, the press is here.

Like a date.

Like Manson level good.

Like the laws don't apply to you.

Like this.

Listen to yourself, or is that your liver talking?

Listen, I know that Philips is a pain in the ass,

Listen, I'm sorry about Larry, man.

Listen, um, do you keep a record

Listen, you and I both know that

Literally, any other way than what you just did.

Literally.

Look at this, nothing.

Look at this, Sacramento Red Hot.

Look, Lieutenant, nobody turns my brother

Look, Lieutenant, this makes three

Looking out for the felt

Looks like a pretty classic smash and splash.

Looks like a robbery gone bad to me.

Looks like I'll finally be able to pay off

Looks like someone had themselves

Looks like this mystery

Looks like we beat the rush.

Looks like, uh, Coach Lyle's

Lyle was as straight as an arrow.

Lyle, stay. Don't do that.

LYLE: Half puppet cop?

LYLE: Hate to be the bearer of bad news,

Making sure I was safe.

MALE PUPPET 1: Taxi! Hey, taxi.

MAN 2: Sorry.

Man, I thought he smelled bad alive.

Man, that is the greatest line of all time.

Married? Whose wife? What did you say?

May I say something now?

Maybe, but a crazy bitch would do this. (GRUNTS)

Maybe, but sex is always better with a psycho.

Maybe. (LAUGHING)

Men are so stupid.

Minding his own business.

Mmm mmm!

Mmm. I see.

Months.

More of a disgusting acquaintance.

Most folks will never understand puppets.

Most of all, I wanted to protect my old flame, Jenny.

Move on.

Move out of the way. You're so dramatic.

Mr. Bumblypants,

Mr. Philips, the blackmailer sent another note.

Ms. White.

Murders?

My deal? I'm a Virgo.

My Scientology dues.

Nada.

NARRATOR: So tune in for the entire Happytime Gang,

Neither side wants me, and I don't blame 'em.

Never heard of that before.

Nice. What a delicate little flower you are, huh?

No Bumbly here.

No hard feelings?

No matter how masculine and unkempt they are.

No matter what color or creed.

No matter what they look like on the outside,

No one's coming in with the suit jackets made

No, but Sandra White is in your office.

No, I do not.

No, I don't, I'm your average puppet,

No, I'm good. Thanks, Lawrence.

No, I'm not a monk.

No, it's not.

No, it's Phil Philips, Larry's brother. You remember me.

No, no, no, no, no!

No, no, no, we don't treat humans here.

No, no, you're the masculine, he's the unkempt.

No, this is ridiculous. Come on.

No, whoever killed Larry also took out Mr. Bumblypants.

No, you just wanna use me, like Sandra used you.

No! Daddy!

No! Oh!

No. Excuse me, I don't... No, I don't like pee.

No. Unless you're talking about your penis.

No. Why would we let him go?

No. Yes, sir.

Nobody has to get hurt.

None of them did.

Not anymore, I'm a PI now.

Not like people.

Nothing. There is no Sandra White before two years ago.

Now get out of here. Get out of here, all of you.

Now it's off.

Now we're... (COUGHS) Now we're having a good time.

Now, "If a member dies,

Now, do you have any idea why someone may want to murder

Now, fuck off. You're bad for business.

Of course I do.

Of course I don't have to. I want to!

Of ever becoming a cop.

Of Jasper Jackabee and his daughter?

Of The Happytime Gang was murdered.

Of which customers bought what magazines?

OFFICER 1: Look who's here.

OFFICER 2: Hey, why don't you sing us

Officer Larry Shenanigans.

OFFICER: Okay.

Oh ho ho!

Oh, all right, okay.

Oh, boy, that's creepy.

Oh, boy.

Oh, brother.

Oh, come on, stop it. Any calls?

Oh, come on!

Oh, fuck me, it's a gun to the head.

Oh, God. This is oddly arousing.

Oh, Goofer give you happy time.

Oh, great, apparently anybody who wants to

Oh, hey there, Bubbles.

Oh, hey. (CHUCKLES) Hey, Lieutenant.

Oh, hiya, fellas, fancy a dance?

Oh, holy crap, I'm exhausted. (GRUNTS)

Oh, I blew my hymen.

Oh, I feel better.

Oh, I'm sorry, I must've slipped.

Oh, jeez, I'm sorry to hear that.

Oh, Jenny, I'm poison.

Oh, Mr. P, you're gonna give me a very fat butt.

Oh, my God, is that the ocean over there?

Oh, my God.

Oh, no, no, no, Edwards is the hero.

Oh, no, no, no, wait, you don't understand.

Oh, no, no, no.

Oh, not really our goal.

Oh, oh, oh, oh...

Oh, oh, sure, sure.

Oh, okay. Hey, everybody, it's Sherlock Holmes,

Oh, Phil, if you like pee, I have a whole rack of...

Oh, poor Mr. P.

Oh, shit. I completely forgot about that.

Oh, shitcakes.

Oh, shitcakes.

Oh, show us your titties!

Oh, sorry about your dead human friend, Philips.

Oh, sure thing.

Oh, thanks, Lieutenant.

Oh, that was relatively easier than the other one.

Oh, those are your fans now?

Oh, um, excuse me, sir. This is a private terminal.

Oh, wait for a red light.

Oh, we have a new client.

Oh, well, uh, there was a porno blaring,

Oh, well, you're no bag of shit either.

Oh, what a wonderful surprise.

Oh, what the fuck?!

Oh, wow, what a comeback!

Oh, yeah, I'd love to. It goes a little like this.

Oh, yeah, it's Cows Gone Sour Even Milkier.

Oh, yeah, what's that stand for? Fucking Big Idiot?

Oh, yeah? How many a day you up to now?

Oh, yeah? I never knocked a guy out

Oh, yeah.

Oh, you feel better, too?

Oh! (WHOOPING)

Oh! No! You don't... Ow!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Ugh!

Oh.

Oh.

Oh. Sorry.

Oh...

Okay, all right. Take it easy.

Okay, give me a minute.

Okay, here's the thing.

Okay, stand back. Stand back. I'm going to get us in.

Okay, uh, take it easy. We're...

Okay?

Okay? We clear?

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay. All right. All right, tough guy.

Okay. Give me a minute.

Okay. How do you wanna do this?

Okay. Wait, wait... Okay.

One! Two!

Only on the Puppet Television Network.

Ooh, my under chassis.

Ooh! Ezra and Cara.

Or you're gonna die trying.

Or, uh, you're just hitting the syrup, too?

Our local law enforcement,

Out of the way, incoming.

Over on San Julian Street.

Ow!

PARAMEDIC: Just let me do my job, pal, okay?

People loved us, Phil.

Phil Philips is a goddamn hero.

Phil Philips, what a surprise. It's been a while.

PHIL PHILIPS: The City of Angels.

Phil used to be so much fun.

Phil, don't you remember when we were kids, huh?

Phil, this isn't how you wanna remember Larry.

Phil, wake up.

PHIL: 'Cause although it ain't a crime

PHIL: 'Cause if you're a puppet, you're screwed.

PHIL: (SOFTLY) Just a piece, just a tiny piece.

PHIL: According to the contract,

PHIL: All right, freeze.

PHIL: Bye bye, puppet.

PHIL: Come on, fellas. Let's talk about this.

PHIL: Detective Connie Edwards.

PHIL: Edwards, tell them.

PHIL: Edwards!

PHIL: Ezra and Cara.

PHIL: Go ahead.

PHIL: Here I go. Here I go. Here I go.

PHIL: I hated the idea of having to work

PHIL: I knew if the feds had me in the slammer,

PHIL: I should've turned her down,

PHIL: I've seen that "P" before.

PHIL: Jenny Peterson. Of course I knew her.

PHIL: Jenny, the one that got away.

PHIL: Jesus.

PHIL: Look, times have changed.

PHIL: Maybe puppets do have a chance for a happy ending.

PHIL: Multiple shots fired.

PHIL: My head was spinning.

PHIL: Need a clean shot.

PHIL: Of course.

PHIL: Oh, come on, Jenny.

PHIL: Please, go. What?

PHIL: The fact that they're not puppets.

PHIL: The next morning, we decided it'd be smarter

PHIL: This is it.

PHIL: What are you guys, part of a cult?

PHIL: What are you talking about?

PHIL: What the fuck?

PHIL: What the hell is she doing here?

PHIL: Yeah.

PHIL: Yeah. I'm a freight train.

PHIL: You know, back in The Happytime Gang days,

Phil!

Phil! (GRUNTS)

Philips Investigations.

Philips was at every murder scene,

Philips, you got a visitor.

Please, don't touch my balls.

Please, I have 48 kids.

Please, if you could help me,

PSYCHIC PUPPET: No. I ain't seen him.

Puppet Chicks With Puppet Dicks.

Puppet Pussy Party.

PUPPET THUG 1: Wasteful.

PUPPET: We're laughing together.

Puppets aren't cops.

Puppets just don't seem to be able to handle themselves

Push it. (GRUNTS)

Put the gun down!

Put the weapon down!

Put the weapon down!

RABBIT 1: I just made carrot soup!

RABBIT 1: Oh, yeah. Give it to us. Give it to us.

Reminded me that somewhere

Reportedly, he was last sighted

Right up my snoot.

Right, and we know. Women... Women love you?

ROBIN: Ah, yeah, me, too.

RONOVAN: Yep, that's the Pacific.

Sandra booked a private plane to Rio

Sandra White came to me as a client

Sandra White is Jackabee's daughter.

Sandra, where are you?

SANDRA: (ON INTERCOM) I'm the caboose, baby!

SANDRA: It was taken at a place called...

SANDRA: Ka fucking boom!

SANDRA: Oh, baby. Oh, my!

SANDRA: Oh, my!

SANDRA: Oh, yes!

SANDRA: You fell for every trap.

See you at my execution.

Seen this guy?

Self defense! There's been a shooting! Oh, God!

She didn't exist. Can I have one of those bananas?

She orchestrated the whole thing.

She said, "I'd like to sew your asshole shut

She seduced you and married you

She walked into the federal building this morning

She wants you to call her back right away.

She's a complete sugar smack.

She's dying, Doc.

She's got a big place up in the Palisades.

She's got her hands on my carrot!

She's got them all.

She's taking medication, right, for the cold.

Shit, Phil!

Shit, this woman crazy. (LAUGHS)

Shit!

Shit.

Shit.

Shit. After Loretta and the kids left,

Shoot him, baby.

Shot the video myself.

Shotgun murder on your hands here.

Shut up, Phil.

Shut up, you dirty sock.

Since three Happytime Gang members

Slow, slow, slow, slow, slow down!

So I headed downtown to see a friend.

So I'm creating my own content.

So that I would get my wife Jenny's share,

So we can ask you some questions?

So what are we gonna do, Lieutenant?

So you have proof?

So you knowing that does not mean you're psychic.

So, it's gotta be Ezra and Cara.

So, uh, you're not concerned with Bumblypants being killed?

So, yeah, I think it went very well.

Social Security numbers, tax records.

Some marksman.

Somebody want to help out Stevie Ray Vaughan here?

Something doesn't feel right.

Somewhere near the Santa Monica Pier.

Son of a dick.

SONG: ♪ Girl, look at that body... ♪

SONG: ♪ Happy, happy, happy, happy

SONG: ♪ Never gonna give you up

SONG: ♪ People want my power... ♪

SONG: ♪ We're gonna have, we're gonna have

Spare a penny? My wife's dead.

Star Showgirls.

Stay calm, Mike.

Stevie Ray Vaughan is not blind.

Stop yelling at me! You know what?

Straight from Tijuana.

Sure, the ones that like that bleached skin

Sweet mother of God,

Sweetheart, you're never gonna lose me.

Syndication, baby brother.

Take the fucking shot, Phil!

Take the shot, Phil!

Take your head out of your ass and look around.

Tell us what you got, Bubbles.

Thank you, Mr. Philips.

Thank you.

Thanks, Lieu.

Thanks, Vin. You know I appreciate it, huh?

That can't actually be your shtick with women.

That doesn't make it okay.

That entertained you throughout the '90s.

That fucking dog!

That fucking thing without him seeing it?

That has never worked for you, am I right?

That have been killed in one week.

That I'm the one who's going down in the history books.

That is saying, "This is not a good idea."

That is standard operating procedure.

That leaves out of Santa Monica in 30 minutes.

That lets them put aside their differences

That little girl was Sandra White.

That man was Sandra's father.

That motley crew of misfits

That puppets can't be cops anymore.

That there's not enough tequila!

That took you long enough, but...

That was a nice shot. Fuck.

That was accepted by everyone.

That was his heaven.

That would have been great, huh?

That you never asked for and you never gave back.

That's delicious. It's like springtime in Beijing.

That's fine, let me just tidy up for a sec.

That's just the thing.

That's my neck. (GAGS)

That's not even that good of a trick.

That's not the Phil Philips I know.

That's out of my jurisdiction.

That's right.

That's so sweet.

That's three Happytime cast members

That's very clever, that's very clever.

That's where you... You're gonna go.

That's why you don't swim in your own gene pool.

The case was on,

The entire Happytime Gang.

The grownups talk for a minute, okay?

The Happytime Gang TV show

The Happytime murders aren't about the money.

The kissing cousins hadn't made a public appearance in years.

The last thing this department needs

The one human member of The Happytime Gang

The Philips Code prohibits me

The Puppet Television Network.

The purple carpet doesn't match the d****s.

The reason most men do stupid things. A woman.

The remaining Happytime Gang members one by one.

The Stuffing Ghetto

The wife! (GASPS)

The wife. Where?

Then maybe.

There she was.

There was a time when you two were the most

There we go.

There's a little voice in my head

There's a photo this time.

There's Jenny.

There's no photos or personal items.

There's no squeaky thing inside us!

There's no way I could find the real killer.

These puppets wouldn't know a good deal

They broke the mold when they made you.

They did?

They do not. They decline.

They fuck that rice pilaf

They made a code about him.

They moved out to the middle of nowhere,

They said you were in the back, but didn't hear anything.

They will tear out all of his stuffing

They're fluffy and good on the inside.

They're made of Tibetan marble.

They're married. The wife.

They're not coming out without a fight.

They're not friends of mine.

This all started as revenge,

This is arousing my Peter Rabbit.

This is crazy, we're partners.

This is my last warning.

This is one sick fuck.

This jackwad is the reason

This ought to start you off.

This room is like a signed confession from her.

This the job you get when you don't make Secret Service?

This will not be pretty.

Those two are cousins.

Thought you were gonna bite me in the dick again.

Till the money from the show comes through.

To be warm and fuzzy, it might as well be.

To find the killer, we needed to look into

To get her freak on.

To Larry.

To make it look like an old school drive by.

To make that ocean view possible.

To me, that's a waste of good gauze.

To permanently repeal the Philips Code.

To remember who the detective is around here.

To speak with us today.

To those creepy kissing cousins?

Truth is, I'm neither.

Trying to be a cop thing.

Turn it off! It's like a tampon commercial in here.

Uh huh. Philips?

Uh oh, someone's gonna get arrested.

Uh, did you pick that outfit out yourself, huh?

Uh, does this answer your question?

Uh, excuse me, what?

Uh, I apologize, I didn't mean to cup your balls. (LAUGHS)

Uh, I appreciate grateful,

Uh, I... No. I haven't seen him.

Uh, listen, do you have the latest issue

Uh, no, I beat you to it.

Uh, no, no, no, no, no. I'm not working with this asshole.

Uh, no. I have a real job.

Uh, that's not mine.

Uh, um...

Uh, yeah, Detective Edwards called.

Um, can you think of anyone

Um, I'm not currently seeing anybody, but I'm hopeful.

Until it's more like a mashed potato.

Until they're the only one left standing.

Very nice, very classy.

Vinny?

Vinny.

Wait a minute. Listen.

Wait for it.

Wait, wait, wait, wait!

Wait, wait, wait. Wait for... Wait...

Wait, what are you doing?

Waiting for this day.

Wake up, Phil. Wake up, Phil!

Walk my dog.

Was groundbreaking, okay?

We are not in the briar patch anymore, boys. Whoo!

We got another room back there.

We got her.

We got you surrounded.

We gotta call child services.

We gotta take down Sandra White.

We just wanna thank you for taking the time

We like you very much for these murders.

We need to discuss where you were when the murders went down.

We need to talk.

We need to talk.

We only have parts for puppets.

We started down on Skittle Row,

We were partners once, back when I was a cop.

We will just stick to, uh, some questions, okay?

We'd rendezvous at his office.

We're free and clear already.

We're having a sale today, which is that

We're the only people in the world that can save Phil.

We've been having an affair,

We've had a lot of complaints regarding this party.

Well, a girl's got to be resourceful.

Well, because the robber didn't take the money.

Well, despite my bookish appearance,

Well, fuck me!

Well, he said that he killed them.

Well, he's in something.

Well, hello.

Well, how am I supposed to be?

Well, I guess now we know

Well, I will happily relay your message.

Well, I'd never met anyone like you before.

Well, I'll see you later, Tommy.

Well, I'm afraid that's private information.

Well, I'm always happy to indulge

Well, it's a great price.

Well, let me just... I'm gonna try something.

Well, let's give 'em one, partner.

Well, looks like his arrow got bent.

Well, nice choice of words, asshole.

Well, no, I still think you're an asshole.

Well, right back at you.

Well, somebody was trying

Well, that's a new one.

Well, then we're fighting on the same side.

Well, we would like to take a look

Well, what am I?

Well, what do you think it is?

Well, you might be a little worried

Well, you should've bought 20 bucks of food, dumbass.

Well, you're a real fucking poet, aren't you?

What a bunch of bullshit. (SCOFFS)

What a fucking psycho bitch.

What a sweetheart she was.

What are these here?

What are you doing? What the fuck are you doing to my car?

What are you gonna do about it, you fluffy blue sock?

What are you gonna do, shoot me?

What are you harassing me for this time, Edwards?

What are you talking about?

What are you thinking, partner?

What are you, some kind of qualified tailor?

What did you say, "dummies"?

What do I want you to do?

What do you know about the Happytime murders?

What do you know about this Ronovan Scargle?

What else do you want, Edwards?

What happened? Did you break down?

What is that supposed to mean, a lot bluer?

What makes you think that?

What the fuck are you doing back there?

What the fuck are you doing with the banana?

What the fuck did you just say?

What the fuck is that supposed to mean?

What the fuck is this?

What the fuck, Phil? How could you miss him?

What the fuck?

What the fuck... I don't even know what you're talking about!

What the hell happened here?

What the hell is that supposed to mean?

What the hell's she doing with a picture

What the... You fucking shot...

What was that? What the hell did you see?

What you gonna do? Cut me open?

What you had was magic.

What, are you a monk now?

What, did you take a vow of silence?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What? (GRUNTS)

What? Did you fucking break into my house?

What? No, no, fellas, cut it out!

What? No, you can't. No!

What? What are you asking me for?

What? What the fuck is "chili porn"?

What? What? What?

What? Where are you going?

What? Who is this?

What? You still have this?

What's in the cooler?

What's it gonna be, Phil?

What's my motive?

What's she doing in a Hollywood apartment?

What's that?

What's the connection?

What's your deal, Edwards?

Whatever floats your boat, pal.

When did I get squeamish? I'm not squeamish.

When did you get so squeamish?

When one of us drops.

When you're right, you're right. (CLICKS TONGUE)

Where is he? I said get out of my way!

Where is your filthy hose?

Where the fuck were you?

Where the sugar is cheap and the sex is cheaper.

Where your cut was 60%.

Which didn't make the time go any faster.

Which is fucked up, if you ask me.

Which may be because I got a full boat,

White, Sandra White.

Who am I? The name's Phil Philips.

Who bent your boner?

Who could be behind this?

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Whoo, I shot my radio.

Whoo!

Whoo! Lyley, the Wildman!

Why do those people get along so great?

Why don't you go and mix us up

Why, she's got a real sweet spot for our boy Phil, huh?

Why'd you have to keep killing the whole gang?

With a bullet wound through the liver.

With a partner again, but I owed it to Larry.

With his own balls before.

WOMAN PUPPET: She said she might. That's funny!

WOMAN: (ON RADIO) All units advised.

Word on the street is that you did... okay.

World's greatest detective.

Would a crazy fucking bitch do this?

Wow, here's the thing.

Wow.

Yeah, and they're not gonna stop

Yeah, ashes to ashes, and fluff to fluff, man.

Yeah, couple of felt tucks and a quarter cup of bleach...

Yeah, go fuck yourself.

Yeah, I guess I didn't have to

Yeah, I just told you I was looking for a guy,

Yeah, I saw that... We got one just in. Let's see.

Yeah, I un sewed your mother

Yeah, I'm gonna take her out tonight for dinner.

Yeah, it looks like you got quite the little

Yeah, it was great seeing Jenny again,

Yeah, Junkyard!

Yeah, of course, Phil. We're fully NSA compliant.

Yeah, Phil, you were the first puppet cop and the last.

Yeah, thanks.

Yeah, that blue matches my pubes.

Yeah, that's a reverse burn.

Yeah, the internet's killing me,

Yeah, too bad you can't buy your old nose back.

Yeah, well, of course your gut is saying that.

Yeah, well, somebody from inside The Happytime Gang

Yeah, well, they killed the whole gang.

Yeah, well, you saw to that, didn't you?

Yeah, why don't we pay a little visit

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

Yeah, yeah. Burn every bridge. Good.

Yeah, you also gave him a bullshit deal

Yeah, you were so sweet.

Yeah, you, too, kid.

Yeah, you're really nailing my views on women.

Yeah? Well, at least I didn't get fuckin' pilafed.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. How'd that go this morning?

Yeah. I said a cooler with holes. There's no holes.

Yeah. I'm gonna, um, take that as a yes.

Yeah. They think I did it.

Yeah. You've got it. The wife of who?

Yeah...! No.

Yep. Just like old times.

Yes and no. We had proof until it was incinerated.

Yes, she is.

Yes, you came here for pleasure!

Yes. (SIGHS)

You and I both know that this is like puppet bullshit here,

You are both equally not bags of shit.

You are free to go.

You asshole.

You awake?

You better get checked 'cause that shit is salty.

You bit my dick!

You boys want some Fiddle Faddle?

You can have anything you want.

You can't actually like me for these murders.

You can't... You can't do that!

You clearly are not wealthy enough to be here.

You definitely look hotter than the last time I saw you.

You did good.

You don't cooperate, and I'll bite you in the dick too.

You don't have to sing and dance for the man anymore.

You don't know what you're talking about.

You don't mind if I have one of your cigarettes, do you?

You don't see that every day.

You dumb rookie.

You ever feel like me and you should, um...

You finally get the nerve to ask her out?

You gave it a shot with your whole

You give that back right now!

You got a big heart, kid.

You got to stop moving through the world

You guys got this all wrong. The killer's getting away.

You guys might wanna look away.

You had enough bush coming out of your cutoffs

You just got a little something on your arm.

You just hang on, you understand?

You know I have no bones, right?

You know this is not what partners do.

You know what, Phil, The Happytime Gang

You know what? I don't care and I don't wanna know.

You know what? It'd serve you well

You know what? Stay out of my way if you don't wanna get hurt.

You know what? Yeah, that was me.

You know where you're going?

You know, it's funny you should say that.

You know, most fleshies don't give a fuck

You know, one of these days, you're gonna slip up,

You know, someplace special.

You know, that Agent Campbell is a real douchebag.

You know, what is it with this casual attitude?

You know, you gave me quite a scare there.

You Kremlin piece of shit. (LAUGHING)

You like that?

You mean, like, on a date?

You need to get the fuck outta here.

You need to go out the back while I talk to these cretins.

You of all people going to bat for a goddamn puppet...

You see anything?

You seem great,

You seen this guy?

You shot your fucking radio!

You take home to momma.

You think you are the only one thinking about this stuff?

You trying to asphyxiate me?

You two need to start behaving like goddamn adults.

You wanna cry about it? I'll park you behind a desk.

You want chili with corn?

You were always so controlling.

You were there when every member

You're a fucking asshole.

You're a goddamn menace!

You're a puppet, not a fleshy.

You're a puppet, not a fleshy. Why are you messing with me?

You're absolutely right.

You're basically fluffing a pillow here. Hah!

You're gonna be all right.

You're gonna feel that tomorrow.

You're gonna save my partner's life,

You're gonna work together on this.

You're my favorite! (LAUGHS)

You're my wife?

You're one crazy fucking bitch.

You're out of your fucking mind.

You're quiet.

You're the best, partner.

You're two peas in a little fucked up pod.

You're under arrest for being too hot to handle.

You're way hotter now.

You're welcome.

Your clearance rates were double anybody else's.

Your skin was so blue and puppety back then.

Yup, I'm still the department's

Yup.

12 years ago, I took an innocent man's life.

20 years ago, when you shot that man

100% pure puppet.

'Cause you're an asshole. PHIL: Yeah.

('I TOUCH MYSELF' PLAYING) RABBIT 1: Oh, boy.

(ALL CHEERING) ('SEXY AND I KNOW IT' PLAYING)

(ALL GASP) GANGSTER PUPPET: Wow.

(ALL LAUGHING) Somebody get more of this!

(BLENDER WHIRRING) ('SEXY AND I KNOW IT' PLAYING)

(CHEERING) (LAUGHS) That is good shit.

(CHUCKLES) I like your robe.

(CHUCKLES) That's not yours? No!

(CLEARS THROAT) EDWARDS: Okay.

(CLEARS THROAT) You seem shocked.

(COCKS GUN) Freeze, punk.

(DOGS BARKING) (GASPS)

(DOGS BARKING) Easy!

(DOORBELL RINGS) And, of course,

(EDWARDS CHUCKLES) RONOVAN: Thank you very much.

(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING) EDWARDS: You wanted it off?

(EXCLAIMING) MAN: Cut. Done.

(EXPLOSION) (GASPING)

(FIREMAN GROANS) Bingo.

(FLIES BUZZING) Oh, no.

(GASPS) Do not come at me like that.

(GASPS) What the...

(GLASS THUDS) Oh.

(GROANING) Hey, hey, hang on.

(GROANING) Oh.

(GROANS) Jesus Christ.

(GRUNTING) Yeah! Yeah!

(GRUNTS) Knock it off.

(GUN COCKS) Gonna scope it out.

(GUNS COCKING) Whoa, whoa, whoa.

(GUNSHOT) (GROANS)

(GUNSHOT) PHIL: Oh, shit, Lyle!

(INDISTINCT CHATTER ON PHONE) BUBBLES: Uh huh.

(KNOCK ON DOOR) Yeah, come on in.

(LAUGHS) Yeah.

(LOUD SCREAM) (GASPS)

(LOUD SCREAMING) Damn it.

(MOANS) Okay. Okay. Okay.

(MOUTHS) Who sleeps like that?

(MUNCHING) (GLASS SHATTERS)

(OBJECTS CLATTERING) (SANDRA SCREAMS)

(PANTING) (SCREAMING)

(PANTING) SANDRA: Stop right there!

(PHIL GRUNTING) (SANDRA SCREAMING)

(PHIL GRUNTING) (SCREAMING)

(PHIL YELLS) (EDWARDS SCREAMS)

(PHIL YELLS) (GROANS)

(PHONE CONTINUES RINGING) You gonna get that or what?

(RONOVAN CLEARS THROAT) (SOFTLY) Fucking dick.

(SANDRA GRUNTS) PHIL: Oh!

(SANDRA SCREAMS) (THUDDING)

(SANDRA SQUEALING) PHIL: Oh, here we go!

(SCOFFS) Hey, hey! What?

(SCREAMING) Shh, shh.

(SHUDDERS) Oh, yes.

(SIGHS AND SNIFFLES) Here comes the lieutenant.

(SNORES) God damn it!

(SNORING) Oh, no.

(SOFTLY) Goofer. Yeah?

(SOFTLY) Jesus Christ. ROBIN: Hey.

(THUDDING) (BOTH GRUNTING)

(TIRES SCREECH) (MUSIC STOPS)

(TIRES SQUEALING) (HORN BLARING)

(WHIPPING) (GROANING)

(WHIPPING) Where is your dirty hose?

(WHISPERS) God almighty. Here we go.

(WHISPERS) What? No.

$10 million? Right.

A wife, huh? (ENGINE STARTS)

AGENT CAMPBELL: Freeze! Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Agent Campbell... This is out of your hands.

Ah, Christ. (BANNING GROANS)

Ah, don't do it. (BOTH LAUGH)

Ahem. Are you kidding me? (GRUNTS)

All right, fair enough. (CHUCKLES)

All right. (CHUCKLES) ROBIN: Cool.

ALL: Wake up, Phil! Wake up!

Alone. What? Oh, my God.

and that human nose you got? (SIGHS)

And then they'll fuck it. Okay, just...

Anything? WOMAN: No.

Back to this. Yeah. Thank you.

Bark for me, bitch! Bark! (MUFFLED BARKING)

Bingo. VINNY: Hmm?

BOAR: No, Chuck! Chuck! I warned you.

BOAR: Yeah, come on... I told you!

Boy, that's great! (GUNSHOTS)

BUBBLES: "Play me"? No, no, no! Don't touch it!

BUBBLES: Hey, Mr. P. PHIL: Heya, Bubbles.

BUBBLES: Oh, my God! Get out!

Bullshit. Prove it. No way.

Bumbly? (BABBLES)

BUMBLYPANTS: Not mine. (CHUCKLES)

Come again? Exactly.

Come on. (PHIL PANTING)

Come on. (GRUNTS) All right, all right!

Come on. Let's go. Thanks.

Crystal clear. Oh, shit.

Did you clean my apartment? Yeah.

Do you want that? Uh huh.

Drop the weapon! I did!

Drop the weapon! Okay. I'm dropping it.

Eat it so much, bitch. (ROXY GASPS)

EDWARDS: Hey. Goofer. (SNORTING) Mmm hmm.

EDWARDS: Oh, my God! Oh, Christ.

EDWARDS: Take the shot, Phil! SANDRA: He won't shoot me.

Even his own brother. What?

Every time. Yeah.

Excuse me. LARRY: Hmm?

Fuck you. Fuck you, too!

Fucking Big Idiot! That's not what it stands for!

Get off of me! JOEY: Knock it off!

Get the dog out of here. Okay, I'm sorry!

Give it to me! (MOANING)

Give me your badge. Yeah. Great. Here.

Go, go, go! (SCREAMING)

Good night, asshole. (CHUCKLES)

Got good time for you. (LAUGHING)

Great. Listen.

Have you lost your mind? Fuck him.

Have you seen this guy? MAN 3: No, sorry.

Have you seen this guy? MAN: No.

He missed on purpose that day. Not true.

Help me. Come on, help me. This?

Her makeup is so tasteful. RABBIT 2: Humana, humana!

Here comes numbnuts. Yeah.

Here comes the choo choo! SANDRA: Yeah, choo choo.

Here we go. Do my dishes.

Here you go. Thanks. OFFICER: Thank you.

Hey, babe, you made it. PHIL: I'm off duty.

Hey, boss. Hey, dear.

Hey, fella. Hey, handsome.

Hey, I'll pick you up later. Okay.

Hey, look, it's the NRA. (GRUNTS) Get in here.

Hey, Phil. Uh, who's your friend?

Hey, you forgot your carrot. BUMBLYPANTS: Not mine!

Hey. Hey, yourself.

Holy shit! Yeah, holy shit.

Holy... (THUD)

How many pockets do you... (COCKS GUN)

Huh! Ow!

Huh? Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

I am getting a little loopy. Stop it.

I can't say "blue"? Fucking racist.

I don't have a shot. Take the shot, Phil.

I don't need... I got it.

I gotta go. Okay, wait a minute.

I had to lobby for two years... (MOUTHING)

I have quite an appetite. How large?

I just said that. You both just said it.

I know this is hard for you. What is?

I think we've heard enough. What? This is a setup.

I was in the can. Doing what?

I will turn it off! Why won't these work?

I'd like to see you disappear. BANNING: Stop it!

I'd love to. I'd love to. Okay.

I'm a real redhead. No, you're not.

I'm gonna get that. (PHIL GROANS)

I'm gonna shoot you in the arm. You did shoot me in the arm!

I'm just gonna... (GASPS)

I'm not squeamish. Yeah, you are.

I'm so nervous. Stop touching me.

I'm so sorry. Don't hold my...

I'm so... Stop touching me.

Is it the lieutenant? Yes, sir.

It does. Doesn't.

It says right there. Well, it's not your...

Jenny! (SIRENS BLARING)

Jesus Christ. (WHISTLES)

Jesus Christ. Yeah, what Chuck said.

Jesus. (OFFICER GAGGING)

JOEY: God, you two! Get off!

Just hold your shit together. Okay. I am.

Just watch for me. No, no, no.

Let's go! (SIGHS)

Lieutenant, what are you doing? Come on with...

Look. I don't even have that...

Make it rain! Peel on me.

MAN: Oh, Jesus Christ. (CREW LAUGHING)

MAN: Three! (GRUNTS)

My hands are tied. PHIL: Lieutenant, come on.

Neither did I. Let's listen in.

Nice. You all fucking suck.

No, go ahead. You know what?

No, thanks. Hey, hey.

No, you started it. (WHISPERS) You started it.

No. BANNING: Yes.

No. It's only 50 cents.

Not the dating game. PHIL: She's got a little cold.

Now! What?

Of course. Yeah? What'd she say?

of Puppet Pussy Party? Hmm?

Officer needs assistance! (SCREAMING)

Oh, cheesy, creasy. (CLATTERING)

Oh, Chuck! Chuck! (CHUCK SCREAMING)

Oh, dear God! (DOOR CLOSES)

Oh, God. Wow!

Oh, great. Felt Fetish Furburger.

Oh, it's okay, babe... (BARKING)

Oh, Jesus Christ. (LAUGHS)

Oh, man... I'm sorry.

Oh, my God. Wait a minute.

Oh, my gosh! (CHUCKLES) You got it.

Oh, okay. Motherfucking bitch.

Oh, shit. PHIL: Jesus Christ.

Oh, yeah. Drop it, Phil.

Oh, you like that? Uh huh.

Oh! (MOANING LOUDER)

Oh! I apologize...

Oh! Ugh!

Oh. For an impressive man.

Ohh! (GRUNTS)

Okay, all right. (GASPS)

Okay. What are you gonna do?

Once. I doubt that.

Ooh! (SCREAMS)

Partner? Shut up.

Peekaboo! (GRUNTS)

Perhaps a song? Let's take his eye.

Phil, give me my gun. Hey, hey, hey.

Phil, wake up! Hey, hey.

Phil, wow! Hi. Hey, Vi...

PHIL: Hmm. Bubbles and I may have

PHIL: Jesus Christ. Asshole says what?

PHIL: Okay, okay. Attaboy, attaboy.

PHIL: Who is it? Yes, sir. (SNAPS FINGERS)

PHIL: Yeah! SANDRA: Yes!

PHIL: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Is that what I think it is?

PHIL: Yes! Faster, faster, faster!

Pick up my laundry. (CONTINUES GROANING)

PUPPET: Does that hurt? (MOANING)

Put the weapon down! It is dropped.

RABBIT 1: Look at that! RABBIT 2: Oh, wow!

Right, honey? Yeah, especially felt ones.

ROXY: Oh. EDWARDS: Aww!

Roxy? Yeah.

Settle down. He started it.

She dropped it. It's on the fucking ground!

Shit! God damn it!

So she gets a little loopy. Aw.

Son of a... BANNING: Hey, now.

Special Agent Campbell, FBI. What a pleasure.

Stupid puppet. Hey, you can't...

Sure it does. Never.

Take it easy. Come here, you.

Tell it to shut up and watch. (ZIPPER BUZZES)

Thank you. Jesus Christ. You're welcome.

That took you long enough. Mmm.

That wasn't your fault. It doesn't matter.

That's okay. Yeah, that's even better.

That's true. He's the Philips.

The Formosa. The Formosa. (CHUCKLES)

There's my phone. What?

They're married with kids now. Ooh!

They're very expensive. Don't touch his balls.

to fucking choke a horse. Jeez.

Too hot to handle! Too hot to handle!

Turn it off. ...song in my...

Turn that shit off. You're making fun of me?

Uh, she's not all human. Shut up, Phil.

Vinny, I don't like pee. Oh.

Wakey wakey! Wake up, Phil!

Well, if the shoe fits. Fuck you.

What are you doing? Oh, God!

What are you doing? She's been shot.

What? (BOTH CHUCKLE)

What? (BOTH LAUGH)

What? (BOTH LAUGH)

What? (EDWARDS AND PHIL LAUGH)

What? But, boy, before that,

What? I got to give her that.

What? I love you.

What? There's a room behind this.

when I was a kid. Ah.

Whoa, that's good. (MOANING) Moo!

Why you messing with me? Take the fucking shot!

Wonderful. Am I free to go, sir?

Would have been nice. Yeah.

Yeah, fuck you, too. Fuck you more.

Yeah, tell me about it. (CHUCKLES)

Yeah, thank you. What the hell is going on here?

Yeah, that is right. PHIL: Mmm hmm.

Yeah, twirl, baby! RABBIT 3: Yes! Carousel.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, come on.

Yeah. I loved your show

Yeah. All right, don't worry. Jesus Christ.

Yes, you are free to go. No one asked you.

You all right? Yeah, I'm fine.

You don't wanna know, sir. No, I don't.

You finally did it, Phily! (EXHALES)

You fucking Houdini now? Maybe I am Houdini.

You fucking... Hey, hey, hey!

You got a problem with that? It's just weird.

You know what I'm gonna do? What's that?

You know what? (ENGINE STARTS)

You little bastards. Let's go, guys!

You promise? (CHUCKLING) Yeah. I promise.

You wanna take it outside? Yeah.

You were? Yeah.

...Jenny's dead.

...start over?

...there was only one place I could go.

...to get that children's hospital cleared

'Cause he's obviously fucking blind.

'cause I wear heels.

'Cause it ain't you, Philips.

'cause you know that mess.

"among the remaining living cast members."

"and feeding you, and feeding you."

"and just keep feeding you,

"are guaranteed to split the $10 million up front."

"If there is no spouse,

"or we reveal your secret."

"Puppet cops won't shoot other puppets."

"The seven principal Happytime Gang cast members

"then his or her spouse gets the share.

"then the share is divided equally

"Where are we going? Where will we live?"

('THAT'S WHAT FRIENDS ARE FOR' PLAYS ON CAR STEREO)

(ALL LAUGHING)

(ALL LAUGHING)

(ALL LAUGHING)

(ALL STRUGGLING)

(BIRDS CAWING)

(BOTH GROANING)

(BOTH GRUNT)

(BOTH GRUNTING)

(BOTH GRUNTING)

(BOTH GRUNTING)

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(BOTH SCREAMING)

(BOTH STRUGGLING)

(BUBBLES GASPS)

(BULLETS ZINGING)

(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING)

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

(CHUCKLES)

(CHUCKLES) That's charming.

(CHUCKLES) Yeah, I hear you.

(CHUCKLING) Hmm?

(CHUCKLING) Oh, Phil, it's on again.

(CHUCKLING) Would have been epic.

(CLATTERING)

(CLICKS TONGUE) Just like the French.

(CONTINUES SNORING)

(CONTINUES SNORTING)

(COUGHING)

(COUGHS) Okay. Well, you know what, do you mind?

(CREW LAUGHING)

(CREW LAUGHING)

(DISTANT VOICE) Wake up!

(DOGS BARKING AND GROWLING)

(DOOR CLOSES)

(DOOR CRASHING)

(DOOR CREAKING)

(DOOR CREAKING)

(EDWARDS PANTING)

(ENGINE REVVING)

(EXHALES)

(EXHALES)

(EXHALES)

(EXHALES)

(EXHALING)

(EXHALING)

(FUNK MUSIC PLAYING ON SPEAKERS)

(FUNK MUSIC PLAYING)

(FUNK MUSIC PLAYING)

(GAGGING) Oh!

(GAGS)

(GASPING)

(GASPING)

(GASPS)

(GASPS)

(GASPS) I knew this skirt was see through!

(GASPS) Oh, God damn it!

(GASPS) Whoo!

(GENTLE MUSIC)

(GIGGLES)

(GROANING)

(GROANS)

(GROANS) My ankle.

(GRUMBLING) Fuck.

(GRUNTING AND SCREAMING CONTINUES)

(GRUNTING)

(GRUNTING)

(GRUNTING)

(GRUNTING)

(GRUNTING)

(GRUNTING)

(GRUNTS)

(GRUNTS)

(GRUNTS)

(GRUNTS)

(GRUNTS)

(GRUNTS) You're throwing me in a jet engine?

(GUN CLICKS)

(GUN THUDS)

(GUNS COCKING)

(GUNSHOT)

(HIGH PITCHED SCREAMING)

(HIP HOP MUSIC PLAYING)

(HUMMING)

(HUMS) Fuck both of you.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER AND LAUGHTER)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(INHALING DEEPLY)

(LAID BACK MUSIC)

(LAUGHING)

(LAUGHING) "Bitches be crazy," right?

(LAUGHING) Oh, yes, yes!

(LAUGHS)

(LAUGHS)

(LAUGHS) Here's the thing, though.

(LAUGHTER)

(LOUD SCREAMING)

(LOUD SCREAMING)

(LOUDLY) Ezra? Cara?

(MALE PUPPET 2 SIGHS)

(MELANCHOLY MUSIC)

(MOANS)

(MUFFLED GROANING)

(MUFFLED MOANING AND GRUNTING)

(MUFFLED SCREAMING)

(MUMBLES) I'm, um...

(MUMBLES) We owe them.

(MUSIC DARKENS)

(MUSIC PLAYING ON CAR STEREO)

(MUTTERS)

(OFFICER GRUNTS)

(PANTING)

(PANTING) Oh, shit.

(PANTING) Vinny!

(PHIL EXHALING)

(PHIL PANTING)

(PHIL READING) "Pay us $350,000 by Saturday

(PHIL SIGHS)

(PUPPET SINGS) ♪ You gotta dance! ♪

(PUPPET THUG 2 SCREAMING)

(PUPPETS CHEERING)

(PUPPETS GROAN)

(PUPPETS GRUNTING)

(RABBITS CHEER)

(RABBITS EXCLAIM)

(RINGS DOORBELL)

(SANDRA GASPING)

(SANDRA SCREAMING)

(SANDRA SQUEALING)

(SCOFFS)

(SCREAMING CONTINUES)

(SCREAMING CONTINUES)

(SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING)

(SCREAMS)

(SCREAMS)

(SIGHS HEAVILY)

(SIGHS)

(SIGHS)

(SIGHS)

(SIGHS)

(SIGHS)

(SIGHS) Oh, fuck.

(SIGHS) Shitcakes.

(SIGHS) You gotta be fucking kidding me.

(SINGING) ♪ 'Cause that's what puppets do! ♪

(SINGING) ♪ I know a guy who's tough but sweet

(SINGING) ♪ Oh, when you tappin'

(SINGING) ♪ Peanut buttercup... ♪

(SIREN WAILING)

(SIREN WAILING)

(SIREN WAILS)

(SIRENS WAILING)

(SLOW MUSIC PLAYING ON SPEAKERS)

(SNORES)

(SNORTING)

(SNORTING)

(SOFTLY) Jesus Christ.

(SOFTLY) Jesus Christ. This is not a good idea.

(SOFTLY) The wife...

(STAMMERS) Oh, wha...

(STAMMERS) Yeah, I just saw Goofer last night.

(STRAINING)

(STUTTERS) I'm on a case.

(SUSPICIOUS MUSIC)

(SWEET MUSIC)

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING ON CAR RADIO)

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

(UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

(UPBEAT SONG PLAYING)

(VEHICLE APPROACHING)

(WHIMPERING)

(WHIMPERING) Okay.

(WHIMPERS)

(WHIMPERS)

(WHIRRING STOPS)

(WHISPERING) Hey. Hey, where is your mommy and daddy?

(WHISPERING) Okay, I see it. I see the number.

(WHISPERING) Okay, stand... Can you please give me...

(WHISPERS) Here.

(WHISPERS) I am thinking about busting your ass out of here.

(WHISPERS) Puppets are dumb.

(WHISPERS) They don't have a fucking chance.

(WHISPERS) Yeah, pal?

(YELLING)

(YELLING) Get your teeth out of my tit!

(YELPING)

(YELPING) That's my balls!

♪ Ain't no finer boy in town

♪ And all my homies gonna ride today

♪ And all these mommies look fly today

♪ And all we wanna do is get by today, hey

♪ But I like candy when it's wrapped in a sweater... ♪

♪ Candy on the beach, there's nothing better

♪ Go to see him when the sun goes down

♪ Gonna get fucked up, sugar... ♪

♪ He's got everything that I desire

♪ He's so fine, he can't be beat... ♪

♪ Hey! ♪

♪ Hey! Hey!

♪ I want candy

♪ I want candy

♪ I want candy

♪ I want candy

♪ I want candy... ♪

♪ I want candy... ♪

♪ It's Happytime

♪ It's the Happytime Gang

♪ It's the Happytime Gang

♪ It's the Happytime Gang. ♪

♪ Never gonna let you down... ♪

♪ Only happy can happen... ♪

♪ Sets the summer sun on fire

♪ So sweet, you make my mouth water

♪ Then I'll have candy all the time

♪ We're gonna have a good day... ♪

♪ We're gonna have, we're gonna have a good day

♪ Yeah! ♪

♪ You're my guy, what the doctor ordered