The DUFF (2015) Edit

A bunch of kids anonymously typing whatever comments they want

A dating site. I signed up for all of them.

A friend of mine was wondering,

A license to not give a shit.

A lot of people... A lot of people saw it. Heh. I don't know.

A princess, a bully or a basket case.

A, don't leave your curtains open,

A. Urkel. Asian Urkel.

About what other people think about you.

Achieve your goals.

Actually, I mean, what had happened was, I was at...

Actually, I'm just waiting for strangers to walk by

Actually, I've been meaning to talk to you, Toby.

Ah, don't worry about the lips. Go, strut your stuff.

Ah, kind of looks like a penis, only smaller.

Ah, yeah, I'm just really feeling this sushi.

Ah?

Aha.

Ahem. Nope. Okay.

Ahem. Uh, sure is, yeah.

All around rock star and occasional mom.

All of them, Robert.

All of them.

All right, I just talked with the guys, and I told them we're going alone.

All right, let me tell you something.

All right, so, what's the number one mistake

All right, this is how girls like to be kissed.

All right, walk over and say, Hey there.

All right, what are you really looking to get out of your boy, Tony?

All right, you know what?

All right.

All right. I'm just trying to get more of these thingies, these, uh, flirties.

Also I brought pizza.

And bang her hard too, to the point of needing helmets.

And becomes the Joker?

And bring your special brand of journalistic gravitas

And Casey, she's, like, this, you know, fiery Latina.

And don't you dare be creeping on my Pinterest, whores.

And electronic hardware probably manufactured somewhere in China.

And geeks basically run the country.

And have the perfect evening.

And how it relates to enthalpic chemical change. Aww.

And I felt like I couldn't talk to you about it,

And I got expression.

And I like to have sex with girls.

And I only have a certain amount.

And I realize now that none of this matters to me.

And I thank you.

And I totally support that.

And I wasn't happy about it.

And I've just been thinking about some stuff, and I just...

And idiots don't exactly give great advice.

And if he's still weird, he's a jackass.

And if you don't know who it is, chances are it's you.

And impressed. Ha, ha.

And impressed. Ha, ha.

And it worked for you and it didn't work for me,

And my dad wanted custody of the dog.

And now nobody's gonna know. Hope you're happy.

And people don't like him, because he's with you.

And people like me don't date anybody.

And put some stuff in the words and make it pop?

And rock that homecoming like my Bianca Piper would.

And she would always make a direct beeline to this rock.

And since I got into Northwestern, we can visit each other.

And so are you. Have a nice night.

And so I thought I should just be straightforward

And so my mom used to stand outside my room

And subconsciously I knew it too.

And tell them that you're into them.

And tell you to your face.

And that made me...

And that's him, Toby Tucker.

And then good things are bound to happen.

And then she was all like, Bitch, if I wanted your opinion, I'd ask.

And then you think.

And then you, um,

And this year's homecoming king is...

And touchdown.

And tried on the dress Wesley gave me.

And two, it's kind of hard to miss a bunch of Japanese people

And we can't be Bianca, Jess and Casey without Bianca.

And whatever the hell else they do to each other nowadays.

And whatever you write, I'm running it as our lead, so make it count.

And when I posted those,

And where do we start with me?

And you know what else? I'm blocking your ass on Tumblr.

And you never seem to have this problem.

And you, you're off my Snapchat.

And, girl, you are my heart's desire

And, like, everyone TP'ing Rebecca Cutter's house.

And, uh, maybe try on a new attitude while you're at it.

And, um, I don't know, it's, like, my fault pretty much.

Angry.

Antidisestablishmentarianism.

Anupam and Lena, where are we on the school lunch article?

Are we breaking into the newsroom to hook up?

Are you DUFFing me?

Are you feeling a little better?

Are you giving me kissing advice?

Are you okay? Little cold?

Are you seriously mad at me right now?

Are your...?

Aren't you gonna go get your crown?

ARTHUR: Bianca? BIANCA: Yes.

ARTHUR: No, don't worry about it. Step into my hallway.

ARTHUR: Ooh.

ARTHUR: Wow.

ARTHUR: Yes, I am your daddy, Simon.

As she would tell you herself, she's the hottest girl in school.

As the Relationship Strobe Light.

At least it only has six views.

Attention, students. The halls of our prestigious institution

Aw. Sticks and stones, B.

B, on an average day,

B, where the hell'd you go?

Back to work.

Because I actually heard that Dave & Buster's

Because I was hoping to take you to dinner.

Because I'll wear my Shape ups. Having some...

Because I'm drinking out of plastic water bottles my whole life.

Because I'm loving it.

Because in the end, they're meaningless.

Because it makes what I'm about to do a whole lot easier.

Because no one's trying to get in their pants.

Because that's your job as their DUFF.

Because Wesley and I are getting back together.

Because you think that I'm approachable, aren't you?

Because you wear the wrong size bra. Boom, real talk.

Because you wouldn't understand what it felt like to be your schlumpy friend.

Because you, my friend, are a juvenile dipshit.

Because, like everyone else in school, he knew what I was.

Being friends with... And it's rare that I point this out,

Believe it happened yesterday.

Believe, retrieve, achieve.

Best part about it is it's glass. Sure, it's cumbersome to carry around,

BIANCA [ON PHONE]: Oh, Toby.

Bianca need Wesley help.

Bianca, she has the hottest friends.

Bianca, you have to have an actual invite to get in,

BIANCA: ...I ceased to be.

BIANCA: A lot.

BIANCA: All right. Thanks.

BIANCA: Although Jess' menu of dudes was never ending,

BIANCA: And that's my mom.

BIANCA: And, you know, maybe... No.

BIANCA: But it was just me.

BIANCA: But one night divine inspiration struck.

BIANCA: Can we please just make this quick?

BIANCA: Can't wait. Should I bring anything or...?

BIANCA: Despite missing my ex best friends, my mom was right.

BIANCA: Did any of these people know

BIANCA: Do you think he didn't come?

BIANCA: He could talk to anyone. FILLMORE: Wesley.

BIANCA: Hey. Hey.

BIANCA: Holy shit. I was the DUFF.

BIANCA: I love your eyes. They're so... Just make that go away.

BIANCA: I never knew why I couldn't talk to Toby.

BIANCA: I tried to keep my composure, but...

BIANCA: I was nervous, relying on the school Neanderthal,

BIANCA: In the past, her threat alone

BIANCA: It all started senior year, about a month before homecoming.

BIANCA: It could not have gotten worse.

BIANCA: It didn't matter what group you were in, it was unavoidable.

BIANCA: Ma, I'm off to my big night.

BIANCA: Meet Madison Morgan.

BIANCA: Mr. Arthur was right.

BIANCA: Nightmare. I'd only been trained for Dave & Buster's.

BIANCA: No, no, no. Yeah, you do. Come on, you dance.

BIANCA: No, no. WESLEY: Touch them.

BIANCA: Not only was I the school's most famous DUFF,

BIANCA: Oh, boy. Clearly.

BIANCA: Oh, God, that is such a guy thing to say.

BIANCA: Oh, shit.

BIANCA: Okay, bye. DOTTIE: Bye.

BIANCA: Okay, maybe I could imagine it,

BIANCA: Okay, maybe I could imagine it,

BIANCA: Robin's, like, super cute.

BIANCA: So, what does homecoming mean to me?

BIANCA: There you go. Thank you.

BIANCA: Toby Tucker. I didn't know you were here.

BIANCA: Toby... JESS: Casey, shut the site down now.

BIANCA: Um...

BIANCA: Well, you don't.

BIANCA: Wes had made me see the school differently,

BIANCA: Wesley and Madison were known around school

BIANCA: What does homecoming mean to me?

BIANCA: Whoa, look at this.

BIANCA: You know in Batman when that guy falls into the vat of acid

BIANCA: You know those people you grow up with,

BIANCA:And just like that, she became Dottie Piper,

Bianca.

Big, fat ass. Ew.

Bill Nye over there looks like she's about to drink that acid.

Bluh!

Body language.

Boy, this one's gonna destroy you.

BOY: Come on, man.

BOY: What's up, narc?

BOY: Whoo! We're gonna kick some ass!

BOY: Wow, she's awesome.

BUCHANON: Each student will be required

BUCHANON: Where's Wesley?

But a guy I know once told me that if you like somebody,

But enough about me.

But every so often, there's that one moment in high school

But I actually took the liberty of making a reservation already.

But I combined my ex with depression,

But I did regret how I left things with Jess and Casey.

But I don't wanna have breast cancer

But I had to stay focused on my Toby mission.

But I wasn't even trying to hook up with Wesley Rush.

But I Wouldn't like it.

But is there a place to get a hot dog here in this mall or...?

But it does to you. It's your dream.

But it doesn't feel bad.

But it shouldn't affect how you see yourself.

But it will be.

But it... That wasn't what it looked like.

But it's the word and it stuck. It's a catchall.

But now they just annoy the shit out of you?

But such powerful women?

But that's good if you're happy.

But the principal and I talked and we decided

But these YOLO terrorists will not be tolerated.

But they're positive this time.

But times have changed.

But what was the worst he could do?

But you end up missing out on all this great stuff around you.

But you're missing the meat of the story.

But you're the only one in this whole school

But, um, if anything changes, I'll let you know.

But, um, with all due respect, I'm...

But, you know, I'm not really friends with them right now, so...

Bye bye.

Bye.

Bye. We said it at the same time.

Caitlyn, can you make sure you get a shot

CAITLYN: I love your outfit. Caitlyn, can you make sure

Caitlyn.

Can I come in?

Can I have my sweatshirt?

Can we just cool it for a second?

Can you make sure you get an insert shot of them opening it?

Casey has the hottest rack.

CASEY: So all of this because of some word?

Catfish? Pretty Little Liars?

Charlie Piper.

Charlie Piper.

Come here.

Come on, we're not friends.

Come on.

Comments, likes, Tweets, memes,

Conjures up feelings of warmth and comfort.

Cool. Meet at my house?

Cool. That's crazy.

Copy that, circle it, write it.

Damn, dude. All right.

Date night. I worked up all my courage

Dear God, it's duck face, and stop that forever.

Designated Ugly Fat Friend.

Dick.

Did you just unfriend me?

Did you want to go out with me, though?

Do they do other things together

Do they have dates to the homecoming dance next weekend?

Do you know what that means? That means retaliation videos.

Do you wanna see something hysterical? Hold on.

Does he say complimentary things to you?

Don't tell me. Tell Toby.

Don't we just look so cute together?

Don't you know it's true

Drop them in the box.

Drumroll, please.

DUFF. D U F F.

Easy. All right, don't get cocky.

Eh... Mm.

Enjoy those saggy balls.

Even got a little action. I didn't have to do anything.

Even if you weren't in a group, like Creepy Carrie Raskowitz.

Even the gay guys wanna date her.

Everything and everyone can suck it.

Excuse me, I, uh...

Excuse me?

Feels like an atomic bomb,

Fight on, Blue Devils.

Fine, I Will.

Fine, I Will. Ugh.

Fine, own it. Be the best weirdo you can be.

Fine. Although I did hear Toby's gonna be at the party tonight.

For any reporter worth their salt

For step eight, okay, for... Of the plan.

For what it's worth, what you wrote here

Fucking A.

Game on.

Game tape, for review. This is what you look like

Get in there.

Get up.

GIRL [ON COMPUTER]: Oh, my...

GIRL [ON PHONE]: Oh, my God. Big, fat ass.

GIRL 1: Did you read the comments on that video?

GIRL 1: He's gotta be so embarrassed.

GIRL 1: Oh, my God, he called her a five. Ha, ha.

GIRL 2: Bianca Piper's ass means the terrorists have won.

GIRL 2: Flash mob hump session on Toby at 3:30?

GIRL 2: His senior year is going to suck.

GIRL 2: Yeah. It says, That mannequin just made out with a five.

GIRL: All right. All right.

GIRL: And for me, it happened senior year,

GIRL: For generations of high schoolers,

GIRL: Madison!

GIRL: Nope, not me, either.

Girls, party at my place.

Girls, party at my place. I'm sure you've heard of it.

God, I've waited a long time for this.

Good, because my face wants you to make out with it.

Good. I'm glad you're excited about it. Go right ahead.

Got a second to talk to a fan?

Got it. I'll remember that if you remember no more duck face.

Got it. Thanks, A.J. You're sweet.

Great. Thank you.

Guess what else.

Guess what, so are you. So is everybody.

Guys can be DUFFs too, okay?

Guys, I don't see Toby.

Guys, it's homecoming. You're definitely going.

Ha, ha. Come on, please. It's important.

Ha, ha. It took a few hours.

Ha, ha. Yeah. Well, thanks.

Have been compromised by the stench of cyber bullying.

Have gone up 15 cents in the cafeteria and...

Have some...

Have they asked about me?

Have you not seen Dateline?

Having fun at the party?

He could barely look at me.

He says crazy stuff all the time.

Heh, okay, you know what? Here, you can have it.

Heh. Oh, that's rich, coming from this guy

Hello? Are you okay?

Hello. Okay.

Here are my chemistry notes, okay?

Here we go.

Here, Kelly, take the blue ones.

Here.

Here. Lots of options for you.

Hey oh!

Hey oh. Go slow, okay? Let the tension build.

Hey there.

Hey there.

Hey there.

Hey, B, will you take a look at my fashion piece?

Hey, Bianca.

Hey, Caitlyn, take five.

Hey, DUFF queen, wanna show me some of them moves?

Hey, Duffy.

Hey, dummy humper, I found you a new boyfriend in health class.

Hey, Elaine.

Hey, get your homecoming tickets now.

Hey, how'd it go?

Hey, I got your message.

Hey, I see you have a reusable bag.

Hey, Jess. Hey, Casey.

Hey, look at you.

Hey, look, I just... I wanted to say that...

Hey, Mads.

Hey, neighbor slash boyfriend.

Hey, ready to go get down

Hey, what the hell was that for?

Hey, you.

Hey. Oh. Uh...

Hi, neighbor slash girlfriend.

HIBBERT: After that comes fear.

High school offers me none of that.

His name's Toby Tucker. Maybe you've heard of him.

Hitting it with someone like you.

Hmm.

Hmm. This is a tough conversation for me.

Hmm. Well, I know just the place.

Home. Wasn't feeling good.

Homecoming king. Come on up.

Homecoming tickets, homecoming.

HOMER: Get me out of this. I'll make it worth your while.

HOMER: What's after fear? HIBBERT: Bargaining.

Honey, forget about the five stages. I have got some real advice for you.

Honey, why don't you just go to Jess and Casey?

Hope this is okay. Thought we could eat here tonight.

How about this?

How about tonight you just worry about what you think about you?

How could you guys not tell me this whole time that I was your DUFF?

How dare you? You love those foam faces.

How many guys ask you questions about Jess and Casey?

How old is the porn you're watching?

How'd you find this place?

How's she doing?

Huh? Nailed it. I'm so proud of me.

Huh.

I agree. That could never happen.

I always wanted to do that to the coach's board.

I am a DUFF.

I am already at the fifth and final stage: acceptance.

I am into you.

I am late for an event.

I am the gatekeeper.

I can do this. How hard could it be? Just do it.

I can't believe for five seconds I thought that...

I can't even believe I thought that I could ask you something like this.

I can't... I can't even believe this.

I cannot wait to release your video tomorrow.

I could play it for you later if you like.

I could sense that good things were about to happen.

I could tell from across the room that we might be into each other.

I could've done that with Jess and Casey.

I couldn't even imagine it.

I couldn't even imagine it.

I couldn't get through three words of that.

I couldn't possibly care less.

I didn't regret hitting send,

I don't care about 15. She's a ten.

I don't even know how you...

I don't have to look at pictures of your artisanal cappuccinos every morning.

I don't know about you,

I don't know exactly how to rhyme that.

I don't know that many people.

I don't know why I thought it could be different.

I don't know. It's crazy.

I don't like people thinking of my ex boyfriend

I don't wanna be anybody's DUFF anymore, okay?

I give you Think Rock.

I got my grades up, you got your date. We're good.

I guess she's okay.

I have changed my tune.

I have feelings for you.

I have no idea what the hell you're talking about.

I have to reverse DUFF you. Are you wearing pajamas?

I just mean that you look good, but you don't look like you.

I just mean you're not a fashion expert.

I just thought I'd branch out.

I just thought it would be, you know, more personal.

I just want it to be

I just want to... I just want to... One more thing.

I just... I can't see Wes.

I just... I...

I kind of got into a fight with my best friends, and...

I kind of wanna reach out, but I'm not really sure

I know it sucks, but maybe it's the universe

I know some people will tell you that homecoming is about celebrating,

I know you miss me.

I know, right?

I know. I have my first Internet date.

I know. That just makes me more exotic on the site.

I mean, how have you been, after that video came out?

I mean, Jess is, like, an amazing actress.

I mean, not to me. I never went to a dance when I was a kid.

I mean, the angles weren't even from where I was sitting.

I mean, the DUFF doesn't actually have to be fat or ugly.

I mean, they seem like really caring, understanding people, so...

I mean, why else would two super hot, popular girls

I need a layman's opinion.

I need to talk to you about something.

I never should've called you the DUFF, okay?

I overheard Madison bragging about it to her friends.

I picked you for a reason.

I promise, I didn't send the video, okay?

I promise.

I remember Pepper.

I think deep down I've always known you guys were prettier than me,

I think I have an idea.

I think I'm just gonna stick with the old lucky party shirt.

I think I'm just gonna, like, write him a really long letter

I think this is the first time that you and I have ever really talked.

I think we can find something better.

I think we gotta deal with this in a way that's private and sensitive.

I thought we were friends.

I thought we were living in a brave new world,

I thought you were hinting that they were gonna be here.

I thought you were hinting that they were gonna be here.

I used to run up here a lot with Pepper,

I wanna be my own person.

I wanna be the datable one.

I want you to step out of your comfort zone

I want you to take me...

I want you to walk over and get his phone number.

I was cruising the halls with my two best friends...

I was feeling, like, a draft over when I was here,

I was in the depression stage about my ex,

I was just over here looking at this picture of you

I was now the least liked person in it.

I watch a lot of Project Runway. What's up?

I will make sure you pass science if you help me with this.

I wish you would've thought of that before.

I work alone.

I would bang her so hard we'd both need helmets.

I would hate it if that was me and people saw this.

I would've told you, Absolutely nothing.

I wouldn't wanna be anybody else.

I, uh... I kind of just got back together with Madison.

I'd really like to talk to you, okay? Call me back.

I'll be right back.

I'll be right back.

I'll just flip the breakers, turn all the lights on.

I'll rip it right off.

I'm a DUFF.

I'm a free woman.

I'm a girl.

I'm a toppings consultant.

I'm assuming you've seen the video.

I'm disgusting. I'm a swamp thing.

I'm feeling inspired.

I'm flattered.

I'm glad you said that,

I'm going out with Toby. Toby's the guy that I like.

I'm gonna give you a lesson.

I'm gonna look like Hillary Clinton, Mom.

I'm gonna, uh...

I'm horny for sex.

I'm kidding. Not kidding at all. Tell me everything.

I'm my own best friend.

I'm not happy!

I'm not surprised, because it was a piece of shit.

I'm not the DUFF.

I'm really, really into you.

I'm sorry, What Homecoming Means to Me?

I'm taking a lot of hits today. All right, see you later.

I'm taking you off of my We Heart It and my Vine feed.

I'm tired of being the approachable one.

I'm... I'm sorry, I didn't...

I've been teaching myself how to make sushi online.

I've never had anybody go on a punching spree for me before.

If anybody ever sees this, I'll rip your nut sack off.

If anything, we're kind of chumps in comparison to you.

If it has to do with my hands, I usually pick it up really quickly.

If this makes it to Toshi,

If this was a porn movie,

If yes, chances are he's gonna make his move.

If you asked me at the beginning of senior year,

If you girls wanna really knock the boys out,

If you must know, I've never been on an actual date before.

If you were the only man left on the planet.

Impress me to get to my friends.

In everything we do

In my head, I think I was expecting some big reality show reveal.

In the tiny sweatpants, and it got dark.

Intertwining with the poetry of the lyrics.

Is he leaning in?

Is he trying to impress you?

Is it intimidating?

Is that a wiener in your mouth or are you just happy to see me?

Is that supposed to be Robert Pattinson?

Is that what it felt like?

Is there a problem?

Is this one of your lessons?

Is, like, the cool, hip new spot.

It didn't feel like just some word to me.

It is a mantra that I teach all of my clients

It is the stench of ones and zeroes

It was definitely the dress.

It was, like, the dipshit, uh, douche bag.

It... It's not that bad.

It's a doozy, but it's a real feather in the cap

It's a little weird now.

It's about understanding

It's because you're using me to make yourselves look better.

It's been a little tough.

It's big because it's on a chalkboard.

It's called a spacebar.

It's gonna be free. The first one's always free.

It's happening.

It's just another night where you feel pressure

It's just one quick thing. It's for my article.

It's just practice, just a guerrilla style practice session?

It's just that stands for Designated Ugly Fat Friend, dick face.

It's like a prison yard out there.

It's like two people in love.

It's my big Toby date night.

It's not even...

It's not like a big deal, okay? I mean, like, every group of friends has one.

It's not like he rides a horse, right?

It's not like you could make me any more awkward, right?

It's not okay.

It's not really worth it, you know.

It's okay.

It's really... It's doing something to me.

It's the only way I can get into college.

JDate? You're not *******.

JESS & CASEY: Hey, Principal Buchanon.

Jess and Casey.

Jess and Casey.

Jess and Casey. Jess and Casey.

Jess Harris.

Jess has the hottest ass.

JESS: B, it's a party.

JESS: Come on, B. Come on, B.

JESS: Do you know what you're wearing for homecoming yet?

JESS: It's been 2 weeks. This is crazy. CASEY: I know.

JESS: Mark Warshaw? Smells like trash.

Jocks play video games.

Just a vest. Okay, MacGyver.

Just because I feel like I might say something stupid,

Just don't tear me down for not giving a shit about your labels,

Just forget it.

Just hang on a sec. They're still loading.

Just kidding. It's my voice mail.

Just say, I could tell from across the room we might be into each other.

Just the gal I was hoping for.

Keep it to yourself.

Kidding.

Kids started writing to me with their own DUFF stories,

Ladies, this is Bianca.

Later, B.

Let's do this shit.

Let's focus on the picture. Uh, here we go.

Let's see. Oh, yeah, what about this one?

Let's stop.

Lick your lips a little bit.

Lighten up? Because I'm so heavy?

Lighting matters, okay? The darker the booth, the better.

Like, I thought you were saying that they were into me.

Like, look at this. Do you have a special tool for these?

Listen, she's the one that ended things with us, Jess.

Live by this, and you shall pass the midterm.

Local celebrity to the 40 and over self help crowd,

Look at that.

Look at you not in a pantsuit.

Look into it.

Look out. Okay. Heh.

Look, don't you think you're overreacting just a little bit?

Look, having had experience in this area,

Look, I have a crush on this boy.

Look, I like myself.

Look, I'm an idiot.

Look, um, about what I said the other day,

Look, we're going through something over here.

Look, you don't have to apologize for anything, okay?

Looked horrible, by the way, all that reading.

Looking very handsome tonight.

Looks like the lessons are off to a real great start there, coachy.

Love.

Made me so thirsty. I'm gonna get a drink.

MADISON: Did you see the way that guy looked at you?

MADISON: Get out of my way.

MADISON: Wait, just look at your face. Ha, ha.

Make yourself at home. That's Japanese tea, by the way.

Malloy High will now be put under Internet martial law.

Man, I guess I am.

Man, so many unanswered questions.

MAN: Can we do one more...? Okay, not again.

MAN: Oh, here we go. WOMAN: Well, it's the truth.

MAN: Save it for therapy, okay, honey?

MAN: Wesley, will you get the door?!

MAN: What do you want me to say? I have nothing to say.

Match, eHarmony, ChristianMingle, JDate.

MATT: You're my special little Toby. I can take you home with me.

Maybe I'll, you know...

Maybe you took baths with them when you were little,

Mazel tov, Dottie.

Me in a dress.

Me? What?

Mine is this way, though.

Mini Stalin, dead ahead.

Mm hm, okay.

Mm hm.

Mm, Wesley, you wouldn't be in my life

Mm.

Mm.

Mm. Mm hm.

Mom, I've been through all of your stages, okay?

Most people don't think that, but then again, most people are losers.

Mr. Arthur, I'm really sorry. I...

Mr. Tucker.

My best friends made me the DUFF.

My cousin Charlie Piper?

My cousin Charlie Piper?

My darling Don't go away

My life is an audition for reality TV.

My special place. You'll see.

Nine fifteen.

No more phone. Oh, can you hear me now, jerks?

No one else sees that video. Tell everyone.

No one?

No wiki anything.

No, I didn't, I didn't. Yes, you did.

No, I'm gonna get the girl.

No, it's a bratwurst.

No, like I said, it's the poetry of the chord progression

No, no. Just having some me time at my locker.

No, they block out all the good sites.

No? Hmm.

No? Not for you? Okay. Um...

No. Okay.

Nope, I'm good. See you, have fun.

Not as a Motel 6, Wes.

Not likely.

Not so accidental touching, making out. Game on.

Now he's doing the second most important job a DUFF can do,

Now it all makes sense.

Now that I'm here, I know it. Your move.

Now that I'm here, I'm sure. Your move.

Now there's rumors going around I'm on 'roids.

Now, don't go away

Now, I want you to get cleaned up, I want you to go to that dance,

Now, I'm off to study Hess's law

Now, that's a school lunch story. Boom.

Of course it could.

Of course we're friends, and that's cool.

Of talking about the finer things in life with a fellow intellectual?

Of the three of us. You're loyal, you're funny.

Oh, and remember, it gets better.

Oh, and Wesley? He passed science.

Oh, don't worry, um, it's a working title.

Oh, God, I want you so bad. Toby...

Oh, God, please, make it...

Oh, God.

Oh, great, because I don't like your loops, okay?

Oh, hang on.

Oh, have you? Well, I got a card I can give you.

Oh, I don't think he meant me too.

Oh, I got a flirty.

Oh, I think it's adorable that Wesley indulged you in a pity make out.

Oh, is it too formal?

Oh, Jesus.

Oh, just a little pinch right there. Just... Oh, he's dirty.

Oh, just give it to me, Toby.

Oh, like that would matter.

Oh, look, arm fold head tilt. That's a classic.

Oh, my God, here it is.

Oh, my God, you do this before every dance.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Get out of here before I murder you.

Oh, my God. I didn't even know they had those.

Oh, my God. What a coincidence it is

Oh, my God. You know, I get it Wesley, okay?

Oh, no, no.

Oh, no, no.

Oh, no, she's right, B. You are by far the smartest one

Oh, no.

Oh, peaches and pears.

Oh, please, Mr. Arthur,

Oh, so I have bad style?

Oh, uh oh.

Oh, uh, those are the baked crab rolls.

Oh, uh, you're gonna use the book picture?

Oh, uh...

Oh, wait.

Oh, well, you didn't really miss much.

Oh, yeah, I'm doing a video about the party for my YouTube channel.

Oh, yeah. No. Um...

Oh, yeah. You know...

Oh, you're busy. I'll come back a little later.

Oh, you're gonna turn all the...? Turn them all back on? Okay.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh. Bianca. Well, this is awkw...

Oh. No, I... It's okay, I...

Oh. No. Mm.

Oh. We have to stop meeting like this. Heh.

Okay, Blue Devils, it's time to crown our king and queen.

Okay, but her friends are super hot.

Okay, dancing makes it worse.

Okay, fine.

Okay, fine.

Okay, great.

Okay, here we go. Here's my profile pic.

Okay, here's my offer.

Okay, I think I can probably finish this later.

Okay, I think I'm gonna use the bathroom.

Okay, I will keep looking.

Okay, I'm thinking something kind of trendy,

Okay, it's not the end of the world.

Okay, just because you think one of us is better looking than you...

Okay, kids, enjoy your party. I love you. I have another seminar to prep for.

Okay, look, I didn't mean it like that, all right? Urn...

Okay, look, it was just the tryouts, all right?

Okay, look, when you said that we should hang out Friday,

Okay, moving on.

Okay, next.

Okay, no one's making out if they're three feet apart. Simple geology.

Okay, now lean in.

Okay, now you went too far. You had me and then you lost me.

Okay, okay, look, I can't lose my scholarship.

Okay, okay, okay.

Okay, okay. Sit down, sit down.

Okay, perfect. Hold that pose.

Okay, so how do you set the tone at dinner?

Okay, they're announcing king and queen soon,

Okay, you've gotta pull it together, okay?

Okay?

Okay? He's an idiot.

Okay? That's messed up.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay. Well, I'm off to do some believing and hopefully achieving.

On again, off again, a thousand times.

On an average day, how many guys ask you questions about you?

Only you can define yourself.

Ooh, um...

Ooh. Good question.

Ooh. Ha ha ha.

Ooh. How about a little Dave & Buster's?

Ooh. How about this? It's a little darker, kind of sexy. Hmm?

Ooh. Madison, you used to make me so upset,

Ooh. Oh.

Or maybe I'll Google celeb nip slips. Curtains open.

Or maybe I'll Google celeb nip slips. Curtains open.

Or richer than you,

Or, um, you know, cleaning my pool.

Our entire friendship was a sham, and everyone knew but me.

Our school serves pizza five days a week,

Outside.

Paid by taxpayer money

Pauli exclusion principle?

People ask you questions about them, right,

People like you will never matter.

Please don't start with the universe with me

Please, Wes, you're embarrassed to be seen with me at school.

Plus, Wesley would never leave me for some DUFF anyway.

Princesses are on antidepressants.

Problem solved.

Really dig them.

Really good. Thank you so much for that, teach.

Really?

Really?

Really? With this? Does she have to film everything?

Retrieve your confidence.

Right, well, that should be fun.

ROBIN: Awesome dress, Bianca. Thanks, Robin.

ROBIN: Is that Bianca Piper?

Rub the belly.

Running and screaming for their lives.

Saw you watching some weird Japanese horror movie last night.

Says it on there.

See Sweater Guy over there?

See you in math.

See you.

See? Idiot.

See? She gets her info, he gets to talk to a hot senior.

See? You friended up, okay?

She looks great. She's pulling it off.

She's right, it was pretty awesome.

Shh. So let me put this a little differently.

Shit, there's Señor Gomez. I'm failing Spanish.

Should I've gone with wiener in your mouth?

Should I've gone with wiener in your mouth?

Shoulders back.

Shouldn't you be working at all?

Simon, get your finger out of there.

SIMON: You're not my father.

Since when do you care what Wesley Rush says?

Since you can't seem to leave my boyfriend alone,

Slow.

So easily amused.

So give me the vibe of the restaurant you're going for.

So I can show them this bad boy.

So I guess I will hold up mine.

So I guess that's kind of what I'm doing.

So I just kind of scooted it on over here.

So I've brought on a sensei.

So it turns out that Toby's been DUFFing me the whole time.

So let's just forget it, okay?

So make your writing have a positive effect.

So much to learn.

So shall we?

So stop messing it up for those of us who do.

So take some pride in your appearance.

So then I just started writing poems, and those poems became songs and...

So we are off to a great start, smart ass.

So you'll do it?

So, Caitlyn, I wanna go over by the stage and get the very best lighting.

So, I mean, how do I look? Is this good, coach? Come on.

So, urn, you two, huh?

So, yeah, um, I need to chronicle everything.

So, you have to pass the chemistry midterm, okay?

Socks?

Solved my ass.

Someone's pool need cleaning?

Sometimes it's that simple.

Sorry, are you friends with them?

Sorry, as their what?

Sorry, practice for...?

Sorry, were you just hitting on my ex boyfriend?

Sorry, your profile for what?

Sorry.

Specifically, what homecoming means to me.

Step five: Take a few hits.

Step one: First impressions matter,

Step seven: the date. Okay, we need a plan.

Step six: Just own it. Grow some balls.

Step three, okay? Smile more.

Step two: Time to show the world who you are.

Still, it felt pretty good, so...

Stop, stop. Edible Arrangement?

Struck a chord with me as well.

Studying almost like you were a real student.

Stupid Wes.

Super aggressive. Look, if this is gonna work,

Super. Where are your girls at?

Take a look at Robin.

Take good care of her. I'm gonna get the hell out of this section.

Take it from a DUFF.

Take me on this table right now.

Talking to Toby scares you, right?

Tell him you know the video sucks, but you're into him, and to deal with it.

Telling you, you need to be there.

Text me.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thanks.

Thanks.

Thanks.

Thanks.

Thanks. I just had a bagel, though, so I'm full.

That changes your perspective on everything.

That doesn't... That's not... That's not even a thing anymore.

That I hadn't made out with anyone in a while or whatever?

That I might be able to join in on or just watch?

That I wrote a few weeks ago.

That is all.

That is so cool.

That is the opposite of what I just said.

That is used to cover us against pizza induced diabetes.

That means you're being mentally tough and making decisions.

That people make when it comes to toppings?

That wants to comment on the social life of this school.

That was a good one.

That was a good take for me. Get a wide shot too.

That was not bad.

That was practice in case you hadn't made out with anyone in a while.

That was stupid.

That was...

That's a bit vanilla. Pardon the pun.

That's a healthy thing you've got going.

That's actually how I got into guitar.

That's actually pretty creative for Wes.

That's gross.

That's how people kiss.

That's just the way it is. Football guys, they date hot chicks.

That's so nice of you.

That's true.

That's what half of my last book was about.

That's what sucking at life looks like. Oh.

That's your third F. I don't know what's going on with you.

The cops busting up the party,

The DUFF doesn't always have to be some heinous beast, all right?

The guy with the info people go to before they make their move.

The last thing I wanna do is go to a place

The movie, Spinal Tap.

The only periodic chart I know is the one that tells me

The only way to get over it is to face it right here, right now.

The place with the metal claw game?

The point is, we're a team.

The site has thousands of comments and likes on it.

The thing you have to understand

The truth is, I don't know who you are from your clothes, okay?

The two of us

The video was hysterical. Eat a dick.

The word homecoming itself

Their eyes filled with this, like, sparkle, you know, with, like, childlike wonder,

Then came Guy 21. Couldn't shut him up.

Then I am taking you off of Instagram.

Then I am taking you off of Instagram.

There it is. I gotta say, this is some of my best work.

There once a boy named Toby Tucker Bianca Piper just wished he would...

There was no cool name for it like the DUFF.

There was only one guy I wanted to be my date.

There will be no Vine, no Flickr, no Tumblr,

There you go. Better?

There's a Vincent Price marathon on, so I gotta watch that.

There's always gonna be somebody prettier or more talented

These are useless.

They like him because he's, like, an amazing guy.

They...

They're never gonna find you out here.

Think I deserve a little treat.

This early in the morning, okay?

This girl's gonna have the flirties rolling in.

This is a DUFF.

This is like restaurant quality sushi.

This is Toby too.

This is why we are not dating, okay?

This old thing? Ha, ha.

This one's got me a little nervous.

This school, this entire school, is filled with cyber bullies.

This was an experiment,

This was my vat of acid moment.

Those would be subtitles.

Three years ago my dad left her, and she did not handle it well.

To a date? On a date? To a date?

To an article about homecoming.

To be honest, the saddest part about it is that

To find the perfect date, the perfect outfit,

To make sure that I was doing my homework.

To turn in their phones to teachers and retrieve at the end of the day

To, uh, dates?

Toby Tucker is gonna play you a song, and you're gonna love it.

Toby Tucker, I've loved you for a long time.

Toby, heh.

TOBY: Are you okay?

TOBY: Bye.

TOBY: Cool socks.

Toby.

Today of all days? Are you kidding me?

Today was only day one.

Tonight how about we ditch our dates and have a girls' night?

Too long.

Try it on.

Try it.

Ugh, my grandma is so annoying.

Ugh.

Ugh. She needs a blow out.

Uh, because it makes sense.

Uh, we thought we would make it about how the prices of ice cream

Uh, yes, Jess and Casey.

Uh...

Uh...

Uh... I'm gonna change. We should... We should go.

Um, so hey, where do you wanna go?

Um, you guys, I'll be right back, okay?

Um...

Unfollowed y'all on Twitter.

Until we have gotten to the bottom of this.

Until you get your grades up, you're suspended from the team.

Wait, you're into me?

Wanna be friends with somebody like me?

Was that a little laugh? There was a little laugh there.

Was this sensei thing your idea?

Watch this.

We both like Thai food, are athletically toned and lying about it.

We came up with that idea together, but mostly me.

We got this. Come here. All right.

We had actual facial expressions.

We have a date with the periodic chart.

We should, uh, hang out sometime.

We wouldn't be sitting on a rock having a conversation.

We'll find someone.

We'll... Okay.

We're gonna call it, uh, stage 11.

We're in chemistry together.

We're not... We're not here together.

We're sizing up your strengths and weaknesses.

We're... No? You're...

We've got the whole place. We are just getting started.

Well, don't get used to it.

Well, fine.

Well, fine.

Well, hallelujah, okay?

Well, I can't seem to talk to him

Well, I do love Dave & Buster's,

Well, it is a little...

Well, it seems like we're both trying new things, then.

Well, it turns out the shrubs have bitches

Well, it's either that or all the duck head poses people do on here.

Well, it's gonna blow your mind, but sit on the rock.

Well, look at it this way.

Well, make some more friends and tell them.

Well, people don't know that.

Well, that's because you're racist against jocks. You're a jock cist.

Well, that's my whole thing.

Well, we'll see. This is all so new for me.

Well, you're not the only one running around punching people today.

Were we fake friends with her? Kind of.

Were you spying on me?

Wes, I did it. I just got that guy's number.

Wes, if I wanted to go shopping and talk about girly stuff,

Wes, it's Bianca.

Wes, the dress?

Wes?

Wes.

Wes.

WESLEY [OVER PHONE]: Hello? Wes, it's Bianca.

Wesley Rush?

Wesley Rush.

Wesley Rush.

Wesley, I'm what's known as pre famous.

WESLEY: And then it's all about interaction.

WESLEY: Ever been kicked in the nuts?

WESLEY: Hey, B, where the hell are we going?

WESLEY: Hey, Bianca, it's Wesley.

WESLEY: I deserved that.

WESLEY: No, no, if you're doing homework, I'm gonna kill myself.

WESLEY: Oh, monster voice sexy.

WESLEY: Okay, you, Toby. Let's get started.

WESLEY: On one condition.

WESLEY: Well, can't we talk to Coach Grant about it?

WESLEY: Wow, boys' locker room. Nice.

WESLEY: Wow. How was that?

WESLEY: Yeah, Matt and I, last cup, boom, hit it.

WESLEY: You see why I need that scholarship?

Wesley.

Wesley. Wesley.

What are we, 5 years old?

What are you doing to me out there?

What are you doing?

What are you talking about? B, this isn't you.

What did you just say to me?

What do you think?

What do you want from me?

What happens here?

What I'm talking about is a good old fashioned crush on a boy.

What time of the month to avoid Madison. Hey!

What?

What?

What?

What?

What? No.

What? Oh, no. Layman, it's just a phrase.

What? What are you talking about?

What...? You're not into Wesley, are you?

What's that buzzing I hear?

What's that?

What's the problem?

What's up? Oh, California roll?

What's wrong with porn?

Whatever you said was meaningless, okay?

When I went to high school in the '90s, we didn't have emoticons.

When my parents got divorced, my mom wanted custody of me,

When you become proactive, your problems become subtractive,

Where are the cameras?

Where everybody hates me and then write about it.

Where is it?

Where they stood in the social hierarchy?

Where you realize who you are, you accept it,

Who are you and what have you done with Wes?

Who makes that, Build A Bear?

Who suffer from performance anxiety.

Who told me what was actually going on.

Who would wanna go out with this guy, right?

Who's RT'ing them all day long.

Whoa, look at you.

Whoa, someone's in a mood. Lighten up.

Why is your hand messed up?

Why, thank you.

Will there be a lot of walking, though?

Wish me luck.

With people like me, you know?

WOMAN [ON COMPUTER]: I am the DUFF.

WOMAN: Here are your phones, kids. GIRL 1: Thank you.

WOMAN: Hey, you're welcome.

WOMAN: Oh, don't yell at him. He has nothing to do with this.

WOMAN: That is not a good look.

Wonderful. Heh. Mm.

Worst scenario is if you get seated at a table right across from each other.

Wow, I had no idea guys like you even thought about this kind of stuff.

Wow, look at you.

Wow, okay. Little of the old proactive, subtractive.

Wow, okay. Little of the old proactive, subtractive.

Wow, that is an interesting dress.

Wow, wait, you're having a party on a Wednesday?

Wow.

Wow.

Wow.

Yeah, 15 guys, without completely falling apart, okay?

Yeah, actually, your girls are looking incredible out there.

Yeah, and in this case,

Yeah, but I don't feel like going.

Yeah, Coach Grant agrees with my decision.

Yeah, definitely. Thanks.

Yeah, except Jess making out with Ryan Jensen,

Yeah, excuse me.

Yeah, funny. Actually, that kind of reminds me of a song

Yeah, I like that.

Yeah, I was kind of having trouble getting him to notice me,

Yeah, I'd like that.

Yeah, I'm somebody's DUFF.

Yeah, it's actually not my job to give you pervy intel

Yeah, it's sort of acceptance plus,

Yeah, Jess is in my drama class and I have trig with Casey.

Yeah, just get the food.

Yeah, like a midget jerking it.

Yeah, on second thought,

Yeah, she is. I should forward this.

Yeah, she's very spicy.

Yeah, sure, what's up?

Yeah, that's not where I was going with that.

Yeah, um, forget about it. Just go home.

Yeah, yeah. Wesley told me everything.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. From the Bible.

Yeah. No, obviously, I don't... I wouldn't wanna be...

Yep, on it.

Yep, that's me.

Yep. Oh, my God, that is so horrible.

Yes, please. Ha, ha.

Yes, yes, we do not negotiate with terrorists.

Yes, you did. And thank...

You always trust their advice.

You are.

You bet your ass I did.

You bet your ass, you are. Whoo! Who's number one in your brain?

You called me fat and ugly, Wesley.

You can expect to go through five stages.

You can pick them up after school, maybe.

You can't take it literally, okay?

You caught me. I'm uploading pictures to my profile.

You could be on the cover of GQ. Back cover.

You did. And I thank you.

You didn't have to do this.

You don't even get it. This is not my dream.

You don't have to do that. No, you didn't. I didn't say...

You don't say? I think I felt it poking out my butthole.

You ever heard the phrase The pen is mightier than the sword?

You get it? Because he's small?

You got a uniboob, your posture sucks, and your clothes fit weird

You gotta ask me in monster voice.

You happy now?

You have spent the last month worrying so much

You have Wesley, and you treat him like he's stupid, but he isn't.

You know Bianca well. Do you think she'd put this up to get attention?

You know my boy A.J., freshman on the football team?

You know that one moment in high school that changes everything?

You know what?

You know what's not good is I saw Toby today.

You know, caliente, you know.

You know, have fun playing intramural Wii golf this season, dick face.

You know, I saw you and Madison.

You know, I should be mad at you. You ruined my favorite shirt.

You know, I was thinking maybe retail slut or just slut whore.

You know, I'm really tired. I think we should just take a break.

You know, I've been working on a poem myself.

You know, kind of hipster, maybe unique?

You know, like Tony Romo, he's a Dallas Cowboy.

You know, people like you don't hang out

You know, that's my Think Rock.

You label everybody to try to keep them down,

You look crazy.

You look good.

You mix red and white, you get rose.

You need a booth, okay? It's better for flirting,

You need to start dressing more like you, and less like Wreck It Ralph.

You should just be straight up with them

You should project boldness with a power pantsuit combo.

You should wear something cute.

You think a football team runs on the field without a strategy?

You thought the first video was bad.

You wanna blow his horn? Put your hand on his instrument?

You wanna do your thing

You want me to what?

You want this date to end with you making out, you need to think ahead.

You were on a date with Toby.

You're a little excited, aren't you? Toby...

You're always going up.

You're asking me for dating advice?

You're aware I'm a woman, right?

You're good at this. I'm feeling mad inspired.

You're honored and thrilled to lend that Bianca Piper magic?

You're horrible. I hope you like cats.

You're messing with the wrong girl.

You're not listening.

You're really cute when you're having fun.

You're using me to try to get closer to Jess and Casey,

You're welcome.

...all night. Wait, what?

...I'll round it outwith old trusty... CASEY: Not the flannel.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] There you go. Not bad. You still got it.

A dark booth? Yeah. Ah! I love it when you talk dirty to me.

A little peace offering. Oh, my God.

Absolutely not. BIANCA: Mom.

Actually, really good. This year's homecoming queen is...

Ah, my dress. Ah? Not bad for a DUFF, am I right?

All right. Okay, bye.

All right. BIANCA: See you.

And dresser. Okay.

and I don't really know when... Honey, stop.

And? WESLEY: And...

Are you kidding me with this? I'm not.

Are you kidding? Okay. I'll murder you.

Are you sure? You're being weird. You're being weird, okay?

Are your parents gonna get divorced? God, I hope so.

Are your parents gonna get divorced? God, I hope so.

Attagirl. I know.

B. You need it.

B... Please, just go home.

Be gentle. I'm still working on it, so... Okay.

Bianca, Bianca. What?

Big old balls. Ha, ha. Right.

Bye bye. TOBY: Bye.

Bye. Ha ha ha. Bye.

Can I have peaches and pears? Okay.

Can we leave? Definitely not.

Can we run? She's coming over.

Close your eyes. Ha, ha. Heh.

Come on. Okay.

Congratulations, Madison. I knew it was me.

Cool. Okay.

Didn't need the help, you know? Oh, sorry.

Do you wanna talk about it? I'd like to not talk.

Do you work here too? Oh, I'm at the yogurt place.

Don't you hate me? I'm glad you asked. Yes, I do.

Done. BIANCA: What? No, no way.

Done. Dave & Buster's. Huh?

Dude, she's 15 years old, man. She's a ten.

Easy. Real chatty Cathy.

Everything okay? Oh, yeah. No, uh, I was getting...

Exactly, no. Of course they don't. No, of course they don't.

Excuse me, I might. Mm?

Finally, acceptance. Well, we all gotta go sometime.

Fine. Dressing rooms are back there,

Fine. Fine.

From next door? Okay.

From when we were little? Mm hm.

Go. Okay, I'll tell you how it goes.

Granola. Granola?

Ha ha ha. [IN JAPANESE ACCENT] This is not...

Ha ha ha. So far down my throat. Ha, ha.

Ha ha ha. Wesley, what time is it?

Half price now or double at the door. We're gonna be late.

Have you met me? Okay.

He approached me. MADISON: Oh. Totally.

Heh. Yeah. Um, it's true.

Hey there, Jess and Casey. JESS: Hey

Hey there? Hop up.

Hey, B. Madison, how are you?

Hey, Bianca, about the other... Shh, shh, shh.

Hey, Trevor. Have fun tonight, Trevor.

Hey. Hi.

Hey. Ooh, look at those moves. Whoo!

Hi. Hey, Wes.

Hmm? Yeah, okay, a little bit.

Hmm? Question? You do. BIANCA: Uh... Heh.

Hmm. ls Wesley aware of this? He will be made aware.

How many hits did this get? Lot of hits.

How's this Friday? This Friday, hmm,

Huh? Wow. Um...

Huh? Wow. Um...

Huh? CASEY: B.

I can turn off the air. Oh, okay. Whatever.

I could be dating college guys... WESLEY: Yeah.

I don't have a date. JESS: I can fix that.

I don't know where Toby is. Come dance with us.

I don't know. It's a fair amount. WESLEY: Okay.

I don't need to... BUCHANON: Okay, Blue Devils.

I need you to give me real talk. Real talk?

I should totally forward this. Me too.

I was just going low, that's all. Just...

I was... MADISON: Wesley?

I would play Call of Duty with her... Yeah.

I'll, uh, see you around. TOBY: Okay.

I'm a DUFF. I'm a DUFF.

I'm a regular Bela Lugosi. Who?

I'm Allen. Hey, Bianca.

I'm gonna get started. I have to...

I'm not gonna high five you on that. WESLEY: Come on, science jokes.

I'm telling you now... Toshi.

Is that good? WESLEY: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Is this where you kill me? Ha, ha. Yes.

It was kind of beautiful. Yeah, it was.

It's a joke. It's a YouTube video?

It's go time. Okay.

Jeez. I'll see you later, bro.

Just don't conceive. Mm.

Just get off work? Kind of.

Kind of a nerd. Sorry to interrupt, Mr. Arthur, heh,

Like a peacock. Shh!

Little meow, meow, meow. Ugh.

Look, Madison... BIANCA: It's okay.

Love you, have fun. Unless there was something else.

Make it go away. It's very bad. No.

Mm. Fascinating. People like me matter here.

Mm. Oof! Ew!

Nice muted tones. No.

Nice to meet you, Bianca. Nice to meet you.

No duck head. Duck face.

no Tinder, no Facebook, no Hulu... Just say no Internet. We get it.

No, I don't... I don't remember it. You sure?

No, just Bianca. Jesus.

No, no. Definitely not. Ha, ha.

No. Be totally gangster about it, okay?

No. Mm mm.

No. Get out. This guy. This guy is.

Nope. This one might be my favorite yet.

Not a word. Well, irregardless of that...

Now I know that you... Ha, ha.

Now I know you... Ha, ha.

Now you know how it feels. Whoa, who let her in?

of them together, please? Yep.

Oh, did you have fun in here? No.

Oh, my God, I'm doing it again. No, no, it's okay, it's working.

Oh, no. It's so good, though. Thank you. I think it's great.

Oh, of course. It's a YouTube video, right?

Oh, that is awful. CASEY: Whatever.

Oh, Toby. Are you gonna do anything?

Oh, we bought ours online. All right, cool. See you there.

Oh, yeah. Tell me more about that. I was a terrible student.

Oh, you're good. BIANCA: Huh?

Oh! Oh, hey.

Oh. Yeah, his name is Toby.

Oh. Did we blow a fuse? I guess we did.

Okay okay

Okay, here, just rub my shoulders. Right.

Okay, ready? No.

Okay. Rip it.

Okay. Ugh.

Okay. You were at my special place.

On a school night? Yeah, I can do that.

on my best friends, but thanks. Well, I mean, it kind of is, though.

Ooh. Yes. Thanks.

Our what? Your Designated Ugly Fat Friend.

Please, Wesley, help Bianca? Ha, ha.

Problem solved. Oh, hey.

Ready. Okay, okay. Lean in.

Second is anger. Why, you little... Agh!

See you. Bye. Ha, ha.

See? Oh, man, all this dancing

Skee Ball? Ah!

Sneak attack. Hm, hm.

So enjoy. Okay.

So we'll focus on that first. Yeah.

So you asked him out? BIANCA: Yeah.

So... Mm hm. What?

Step six... Let's let the steps go.

Stop. You don't.

Take a hint. Why are you so grumpy?

Tell me what you think. Be brutal. Okay.

Thank you. Totally believable.

Thank you. That's how we like it. What is that?

Thanks for destroying my life. I just thought of something funny,

Thanks? Can we just...?

Thanks. And I will not be attending, so...

Thanks. Ew.

That dress is beautiful on you. Thanks.

That is really great. Yeah, he is hot.

That's awesome. Yeah.

The first is denial. No way, because I'm not dying.

The mall, noon, Saturday. All right, cool.

The most beautiful couple? GIRL: Oh, my God.

The place with the metal claw game? You bet your ass.

The song was mine. Yeah.

There he is. See you tomorrow.

There you go. Hey.

They don't do that? Ha, ha.

They're foam tastic. Shh.

This is a good one. Aw, heh.

This is a... Hmm. Not the article I want.

This part's the best. MAN: Definitely not.

Toby. Tuba?

Try to keep it in your pants. Next.

Tss, pfft. Pfft. Right?

Uh, yeah, but I... Good.

Um... Jack Rebis. Mm. Tiny hands.

Unh. Good, good.

Unibooben. Sí, uniboob.

Viral? Viral.

Viral? Viral.

Wait for it. CASEY: Bianca, don't do it.

Watch, watch. Is it true Wes is single?

We good? We're good.

We got a deal? Yeah.

We're doing this? We're doing this.

Well, I know my boobs. Okay.

Well, yeah. TOBY: So, uh...

Wes gave it to me. Oh, what are you two doing tonight?

Wes, no, don't go. Ach.

Wes? Whoa, Bianca, what the hell is this?

Wes. BOY: Hey.

Wesley, get the door! WESLEY: Okay, enough, I got it.

Wesley? What?

Wesley. Monster voice? Yeah.

What do you mean? No, tell me. Nothing, nothing. You look fantastic.

What do you want? BIANCA: Let's go.

what I should do about it, and... You should talk to them.

What is this? Look, I'm sorry, B.

What the hell is this, underwear? No, it's a camisole.

What the hell? You embarrassed?

What the shit? Ow.

What, um...? Were you...? That... You know what?

What? Hey, Bianca. That's better...

What? I said, go on with the story,

What? Nothing.

What? Oh! Hey, let there be light, right?

What? FILLMORE: You heard him.

What? What? Just one thing.

What's the crab doing right now? Oh, I'll go get him.

Where can I find it online? BIANCA: Yep, bye.

who videotape everything. WESLEY: Oh, here we go.

Who wants to know? The only man in your life.

Who's that? Ugh.

Whoo! Yeah. Whoo! Okay, I think... I think we're good.

with some bro valent electrons? Yeah.

Without Jess and Casey... Hey, Jess, Casey.

Wow, you really dressed up. Oh?

Wow. Yeah, so I think that

Yeah, I could eat. Good.

Yeah, that's the one. Fun, right? Yeah. Ha, ha.

Yeah, totally. Yeah, totally.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That too, yeah.

Yeah, you look so relaxed and happy. Yeah, well, I was.

Yeah. Get out.

Yeah. So I'm gonna...

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yes.

Yes, I couldn't even... Okay.

You are a phenomenal kisser. Ha ha ha.

You are very talented. It's really perfect, Jess.

You have a question? Hmm? Yeah. Don't do that.

You sure about that? BIANCA [ON PHONE]: Ha ha ha.

You... You look great. Thanks. That's enough.

You're good. Oh.

You're listening at the door again? Yes, I was. This is juicy stuff.

...can't do this.

...Mr. Wesley Rush.

...Ms. Madison Morgan.

...no Grindr, no WhatsApp, no Instagram, no Pinterest,

...or famous people or BO year olds.

[ALARM CHIRPS]

[ALI DEE'S MAKE THAT BOOTY POP PLAYING]

[ALL CHEERING]

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

[BABBLES]

[BELL RINGS]

[BELL RINGS]

[BELL RINGS]

[BIANCA CHUCKLES]

[BIANCA CHUCKLES]

[BIANCA GASPS]

[BIANCA MURMURS INDISTINCTLY]

[BIANCA PANTS]

[BIANCA SCOFFS]

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

[BOTH LAUGH]

[BOTH LAUGHING]

[BOYS LAUGHING]

[BURPS]

[CAMERA CLICKING]

[CELL PHONE BUZZING]

[CELL PHONE CHIMES]

[CELL PHONE CHIMES]

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

[CELL PHONES CHIME]

[CELL PHONES CHIMING]

[CLAPS]

[CLEARS THROAT]

[COMPUTER BEEPS]

[COUGHS]

[CROWD APPLAUDING AND CHEERING]

[CROWD APPLAUDING]

[CROWD APPLAUDING]

[CROWD LAUGHING]

[DOG BARKING ON PHONE]

[GRUNTING]

[ICONA POP'S ALL NIGHT PLAYING]

[IN BRITISH ACCENT] This one goes to 11.

[IN ENGLISH] Okay.

[IN MONSTER VOICE] Whoa, whoa, whoa.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] All right, honey, you're a weirdo.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] No, Spinal Tap.

[IN SPANISH]

[IN SPANISH]

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

[JESS & CASEY SPEAK IN SPANISH]

[JESS SIGHS]

[KEYBOARD CLICKING]

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

[LAUGHS]

[LAUGHS]

[LINE BEEPS]

[LINE RINGS]

[MOANING]

[MUSIC PLAYING ON PHONE]

[NOVA ROCKAFELLER'S MADE IN GOLD PLAYING]

[OINKING ON PHONE]

[PLAYING SIMPLE TUNE]

[RETCHES]

[SCREAMS THEN SOBS]

[SINGING] Baby, you set my soul on fire

[SIR MIX A LOT'S I LIKE BIG BUTTS PLAYING ON PHONE]

[SOBBING]

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]

[STRUMMING GUITAR]

[STUDENTS LAUGHING]

[STUDENTS SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

[STUDENTS SINGING BARBERSHOP MUSIC]

[TIMER DINGS]

[TOBY LAUGHS]

[WESLEY LAUGHING]

[WHISTLES]

[WOMAN SCREAMING ON COMPUTER]