Uncle Buck (1989) Edit

A friend. And, yes, she is a girl.

A little fiive wood.

A little thirsty.

A lot of people hate this hat. The sight of it angers people.

A second party out of state paycheck, will I?

A situation may come up.

A sixth grader chased me with his bike and I was running.

Ah, yeah!

All right? Come on, please.

All right? That looks nice. Give me your arm.

All right. I will help you because there's kids involved.

Am I bleeding?

Am I giving you a hard time?

And a lock.

And a zipper like that...

And about to drive a loved one home.

And enthusiastic.

And have a rat gnaw that thing offyour face.

And he's really got a great sense of humor.

And honest and forthright.

And I did.

And in some way I'm trying to manipulate you and control you...

And in that time, I've seen a lot of bad eggs.

And it wasn't for tires, sweetheart.

And rent a foot disease.

And she promised me she was going to look afteryou guys this evening.

And the dog threw up on the couch for about an hour.

And the two new ones. They're

And what we've taIkedabout thepast weeks.

And you thought

And your sister have to...

And, frankly...

Andabout those two dimpIes onyourbuns.

AndFeIix is what we caIIedyour

AndruinyourIife.

Andthestockmarket has its best weeksinceJuIy.

Announcement here. There's going to be a delay on the clown.

Another drawback is that I'm a big drooler.

Are they sweethearts or what?

Are we going to Indianapolis?

Are you deaf? I said I wasn't hungry.

Are you going to tell my parents about everything that's been going on?

Are you Mother Cabrini? You never touch the stuff?

Are you supposed to marry her?

Art Linkletter was right. Kids do say the goddamnedest things.

As you've probably noticed from the indications on the door.

At Ieast I'm Iearning a trade.

At my age, that doesn't make for a lasting relationship.

At this hour, that's a good sign. We're all set.

Bag, bag, bag.

Because ofthe beautiful horses...

Because they're aIIgoodkids...

Because tomorrow, we go to the track...

Betsy

Betsy.

Blasphemer!

Bob?

Bob?

Bob? Bob who?

Bobby! Hang on a minute.

Boy, I haven't seen those kids in a while.

Boy, that's funny.

Brought to you by Kobolowski Tires.

Buck is not the kind of guy I feel comfortable leaving my kids with.

Buck, I know you think thejob is pointless...

Buck, I love you.

Buck, this is Bob.

Buck?

Buck...

Buck's a charming man who wants to remain a boy forever.

Bug picked up Tia?

But as far as you and I are concerned...

But my problems with Buck go deeper...

But since she's not here, do you have plans?

But they can bring their sleeping bags. We'll have fun.

But you can't drive.

But you can't drive.

But...

Buy you a beer? You must be a college student.

By the way, I have told you I loved you...

Bye bye, hon.

Bye, Chanice.

Call me.

Call the Nevilles.

Can somebody get that, please?

Can we get something straight?

Can we put our personal problems aside?

Can we trust him?

Can you help me?

Can't you ever take a hint?

Captivates Manhattan...

Chanice KoboIowski.

Chanice, honey?

Chanice, I'll be honest with you.

Chanice, I'll be honest with you.

Chanice?Buck.

Cheerleader probably.

Chicken shit! You're dead!

Cindy said it would only be a couple ofdays?

Cindy's father had a heart attack tonight.

Coffee drinker, huh?

Come here, hon.

Come here!

Come on, get out.

Come on, here we go. Take that!

Come on, it ain't gonna bite.

Come on, man. I'm going to sue you and your whole family!

Come on, you son ofa bitch, open up.

Come on!

Come on!

Come on!

Come on! Do I have to talk dirty to you?

Come on. The dog is watching. What are you doing?

Coming through. How you doing?

Consider this, Buck. With this score, your whole year's covered.

Coveryour ears. Just do it.

Crowded, huh?

Cute kid.

Daddy and I are.

Dahlgren is my maiden name. Frost is my married name.

Damn kids.

Did you do anything to Bug?

Did you ever have anyone embarrass you like this?

Did you have a few drinks this morning?

Did you hear me?

Didn't we talk last night about this?

Dimples.

Do I have to do everything around here?

Do you know how many big white houses there are on this street?

Do you know how whipped an engine has to be to blow that loud?

Do you know what I'd like you to do?

Do you mind?

Do you want knots in your hair? Cut it out.

Do you want to leave a message?

Does anyone have a special story to tell about something that happened?

Does anyone in this house know how to keep a promise?

Does your mom know you drink coffee?

Don't start getting down on why we moved.

Don't walk away. Chanice!

Don't you have a favorite doll or something?

Don't!

Drag them down andconvince them they're nogood.

Easy. Easy.

Eight more. Come on.

Everything will be fine. I've been bound up lately.

Everything you said would happen happened.

Excuse me?

Fine. I'm earning my keep. Uncle Buck's got me bustin' my hump.

For eight years you have been making plans and breaking plans.

For example, someone's been drinking...

For example, someone's been drinking...

For the best in tires, see Chanice Kobolowski.

For what it's worth, I'm sorry.

Forget that we were perfectly happy.

Four or fiive.

Geez! Are you drunk?

Get him out.

Get in the house where you belong. Come on!

Get in your mouse and get out of here.

Get ready. Here I come.

Get used on your parents' time.

Give it a push. That's it.

Give me a week to think about it. I don't know how long I'll be here.

Give you more time to relax. All right?

Gnaw on her face in public like that again and you'll be one.

Go ahead, call the school. I won't be here.

Go on, shoo! Shoo!

Goddamn kids!

Good bye.

Good day to you, madam.

Good night, sweetheart.

Good night, Uncle Buck.

Good.

Happy birthday!

Have a bad day today?

Have you seen a guy named Bug?

Have you seen the Bug around? No? I'm looking for him.

Having a good time?

He can't get the goddamn washing machine to work.

He doesn't have kids. He isn't married. He doesn't even work!

He eats once a day.

He really has changed since he's been here this week.

He really has changed.

He says it's a boat race, very easy money. He owes you and me.

He says to show up an hour before post time and he'll give us the tip.

He's a little out there, but he's responsible and he's family.

He's all talk.

He's coming in for the Winter Million at Burlington Park on Friday.

He's cooking our garbage.

He's okay. He's getting better. Thanks.

He's responsible, caring...

Hello!

Hello?

Hello?

Hello.

Hello.

Her mother set up this conference with you.

Here it is!

Here we go. Do you have to go to the bathroom?

Hesays hard work wiIIput hair on my chest.

Hesendsyou big hugs andkisses.

Hey, come back here with that!

Hey, give me that!

Hey, nice music.

Hey! I'm not sorry, all right?

Hi, Chanice.

Hi, Chanice. This is Terry.

Hi, honey.

Hi. I'm Chanice Kobolowski. I'm Uncle Buck's friend.

Hi. It's me.

Hire him on a part time basis or whatever.

Holy smokes!

Honest? Why was your uncle microwaving your socks?

Honey, he's 40 years old. He knows his way around.

Hop in the back. Get your belts on.

Hot!

How are you?

How are you? E. Roger Coswell.

How could I do it foryou? We don't have kids.

How many times a day do you feed a dog like that?

How many times a day do you think he eats?

How many times have they had you here since we moved?

How you doing? Anybody seen Bug around here?

How you doing? Excuse me.

How you doing? Never seen you here before.

How you doing? Sorry I'm late.

How'd you like to spend the next few nights wondering...

How'syourdad?

However it has to be.

I ain't sorry for shit!

I always get a ride.

I am so helpless here.

I appreciate that.

I appreciate the confession. Thanks a lot.

I bet she's getting the tongue.

I came close. I had them in the car.

I can't avoid it.

I can't for the life of me figure that one out.

I can't help myself. I want to get married and have a family with you.

I can't talk at all. I throw the key away.

I could give him your toothbrush and he could run a test on it to see...

I did such a greatjob earning your trust and admiration...

I didn't mean to hurt anybody.

I didn't orderyou. My sister in law did.

I don't feel like it. I'm not a dancer. This is ridiculous.

I don't feel right yet.

I don't get it.

I don't get where we're going.

I don't have a college degree. I don't even have a job.

I don't have to take any shit from you. You know who I am?

I don't hurt anybody. I don't see what the problem is.

I don't know how to work it, so I was kicking it and swearing at it...

I don't know if I've told you this, but I'm an amateur dentist.

I don't know, I can't get enough cheese. I feel like a big mouse.

I don't think she takes a thing...

I don't think we have much choice.

I don't thinkyou ought to go in there with that hat on. They'll kill you.

I don't want him going berserk with an ax on me.

I don't want to do this.

I don't want to know a six year old who isn't a dreamer or a silly heart.

I don't want to talk about it. I just want to get you home.

I eliminated cigarettes, then I go to cigars, then to pipes...

I got a craving for the stuff. Do you think maybe that's an allergy?

I got a few questions foryou.

I got it this time. Tragic.

I got one in the car ifyou'd like to see it.

I gotta talk business. I can't find you.

I guess you don't want a hockey stick foryour birthday.

I guess. Do you have a plunger?

I had somewhere important to go tonight.

I have a friend who works at the crime lab at the police station.

I have bad news.

I have to fill the position. It's important to the company and me.

I hope somebody knows what they're doing down there.

I hope you're hungry.

I know about everybody. That's why they call me ''Pal.''

I know I'm harping, but let me say it.

I know I've forgotten something. What else?

I know what I like.

I know you two do.

I like knowing I can go golfing anytime I want.

I like my friends, my freedom.

I like to carry it. You never know when you're going to need it.

I live across the street.

I love you.

I loved my father very much.

I mean it.

I probably won't use them. Just in case.

I ran into Rog. He told me all about it.

I realized maybe somebody should have been riding mine.

I really have to take a nap and

I recommend you stay out of my personal life.

I said I'd be at work in the morning. I'll be there.

I said I'd be home at 10:00. It's not even 9:00.

I say ''eggs'' because at the elementary level...

I see a bad egg when I look at your niece.

I see.

I stopped smoking cigarettes. Isn't that something?

I sure don't want to know one who takes their student career seriously.

I think he'd make a wonderful husband and father.

I thinkyou did, didn't you?

I thinkyou'd better split.

I told you 25 times. We're going to pick up Tia.

I want to leave as soon as we can.

I want to let her have it for not marrying you.

I want you to know it makes me feel secure to know you're there.

I was at this all night bachelorette party.

I woke them, thankyou.

I won't have any problem cashing...

I would imagine. Don't worry about it.

I would like to hear the pitter patter oftiny feet before I die.

I'd rather starve.

I'll fiix you cereal when I get back.

I'll get him back.

I'll get it nice and juicy foryou.

I'll get you a mouse and a piece ofsheet metal.

I'll pack a few things and I'm on my way.

I'll pay you back when we get home.

I'll see you Friday night.

I'll tell you a story about that on the way to school.

I'm Anita Hoargarth.

I'm confused why I can't do the same with Chanice.

I'm getting mad, Bob.

I'm getting mad. All right.

I'm glad you can do it foryour brother. You sure can't do it for me.

I'm gonna check on Maizy.

I'm gonna shove my load into you whetheryou like it or not.

I'm her brother in law.

I'm just kind of glad I got a chance to know you again.

I'm looking for a party somewhere around here.

I'm not doing it to impress you.

I'm not going bowling.

I'm on to cigars. I'm on a fiive year plan.

I'm Pooter the Clown. Put it there.

I'm probably the last guy in the world you'd want to help...

I'm reaIIystuck.

I'm saying good bye. Is that all right? Nice guy!

I'm single again, but I never bothered to lose the Frost.

I'm sor Uncle, Maizy Russell's uncle. I'm her uncle.

I'm sorry about those bushes too. Ihadno idea...

I'm sorry, Chanice. He's not here right now.

I'm sorry!

I'm sorry!

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I've been in the suburbs watching my brother's kids a few days.

I'm supposed to come over and watch you.

I'm telling. You said ''crap.''

I'm the guy!

I'm Tia Russell's uncle. You know Tia?

I'm working on history, on the past.

I'm your Uncle Buck.

I'mjust caIIing to say Imissyou.

I've been an educator for 31.3 years...

I've been known to circumcise a gnat.

I've been riding your butt all week about how you live your life.

I've been...

I've got a brand new Bronco right out in the parking lot. Red.

I've got a cure for that.

I've got a lot ofthings to do around here.

I've got agoodfeeIing about this. He'sgonna be fine.

I've got better things to do than baby sit you, you little stain.

I've got the money. I'd like to do this.

I've got to get this out.

I've still got the one bedroom. I'm going to get a bigger place.

If he does, he'd never say it.

If I could think ofan excuse that you would buy, I'd use it.

If my family moved away from me, I'd have a heart attack too.

If, during that week...

Iforgot togiveyou the number. Don't get mad.

Ifshe'd marry your worthless butt, I would be able to find you.

Ifthat's true, we're going to really have to start brushing our teeth.

Ifthe object ofthe game were to get the ball as close to the pins...

Ifyou actually brushed your teeth or ran your toothbrush under the faucet.

Ifyou catch my drift.

Ifyou've got to know, I'm not excited about working for my girlfriend.

Ifyour crazy, out of work bum uncle...

Ihate these machines.

Iknowagoodkid when Isee one.

IknowyouprobabIy don't beIieve it, but it's true.

In England.

In her life or her career as a student seriously.

In the fiield of local, live home entertainment, I'm a god!

Ineedsomebody to watch the kids.

Is Chanice here?

Is she always this pleasant?

Is that dirty dancing?

Is the coffee ready?

Is there a reason why you're giving me a hard time?

Is there a similarity there?

Is this a trick?

Isn 'tpeace wonderfuI?

Isn't that where you get the girl by the neck and dip her?

It always is.

It has nothing to do with what happened.

It hurts when someone screws with your life, doesn't it?

It is over.

It isn't so bad, is it?

It kills the germs and odors that they cause.

It may be peanuts to your dad, but it's my living.

It was their brilliant idea to move here.

It'll all be better tomorrow.

It's 2:00 a.m.!

It's 7.:02 in the a.m.

It's a great sport, and it's impossible to get pregnant while doing it...

It's a new law. That's it.

It's driving me crazy. I've been eating a lot ofcheese for some reason.

It's fine.

It's going to be real different. I promise.

It's in the books.

It's not about me. I got a problem at the house.

It's not fine.

Ithinkaboutyou aII the time...

Just a second. It's your aunt.

Just an odd coloration out on the grass.

Just foryou.

Just looking.

Just old Buck ''Wart'' Russell, they call me.

Just relax.

Just tell him. He'll know what it means. I'll see you guys Sunday.

Kids will love that.

Kind and

Larry and

Larry and Jennifer. Nice kids.

Larry and...

Last call.

Let her go to a party all weekend! She's old enough to know better.

Let me get

Let me go in first. I'll cover foryou.

Let me guess.

Let me tell you something, you lowlife...

Let me through, will you? Your mother know you do that?

Let the dog out.

Let's get down here! You seen Bug around here?

Let's go out to the car.

Let's see. Oh, Miles' birthday.

Like what, hang out with friends you don't have?

Lost what?

Loving...

Maizy, did I kickyou around?

Maizy, put that down.

Make a lot of money tomorrow, kiddo.

Marcie Dahlgren Frost.

Marcie. She's right across the street.

May I see your driver's license?

Maybe I can make it work.

Maybe ifyou got married, you'd stop being such an asshole.

Maybe later.

Maybe you could figure out what the hell is wrong with me.

MikhaiI Gorbachev, the most improbabIe eviI emperorin captivity...

Miles.

Money.

Mr. Neville yelled at Michael because their dog was sniffing Michael's balls.

My aerobic workout today. Heart's beating like a rabbit here.

My dad's a lawyer! You're history!

My father's heart attack, I was out oftown three weeks.

My niece is there.

My plumbing is bad. Ofcourse, yours is good.

My sister and brother adore him.

My throat hurts. I can't talk.

My uncle was microwaving my socks...

N O. Don't look at me like that.

Need any dildojokes?

Next time you're downtown, maybe we can go out for a coffee.

Next.

Next.

Nice and easy.

Nice guy.

Nice work.

Nine, maybe ten. Oh, boy.

No message.

No wonder Cindy didn't call me.

No, but You don't

No, but I wouldn't be drinking if I was gonna entertain some kids.

No, but you said ''shit'' twice. But only once for real.

No, I've got orders. What time?

No, Ihaven't been drinking.

No, please.

No, she's usually in a bad mood in the morning.

No, that wasyourboobs.

No, that's not a good idea.

No, there's no message.

No, yourboobs were Minnie andMickey. Irememberthat because ofDisney WorId.

No!

No? She's kind of new. I'm her uncle.

No.

No.

No. I'vejust gathered this from my own observations.

No. It'sjust a little oil.

No. No.

Nobody says that anymore.

Not her wart. I'm the wart.

Not to kill, no. Just to maim.

Nothing to be sorry about.

Nothing.

Now everything's okay with my grandpa, I want to go out tomorrow night.

Nuke them up. Heats them up pretty good.

Nuts.

Off the old kneecap.

Oh, boy.

Oh, my God! He put onions in the eggs.

Oh, my God! What are you doing?

Oh, yeah. It was great. This is great.

Oh, yes, he is.

Okay, asshole?

Okay, bye bye.

Okay, come on, you, get in the house.

Okay, pal, time for a golf lesson.

Okay, then. This should do.

Okay, this, this and this.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay. One dance. That's it.

Okay. You've got to let somebody know where you are.

One dance. That's it.

One family charity case...

Only thing now is, Perce...

Open up for daddy.

Open up!

Open up.

Or Melanoma Head. They'll call me that.

Over here!

People used to say to me, ''Buck, you are one lucky son ofa bitch.

Percy!

Pick up your records. The party's over.

Plus he drinks.

Pretty face, big chip on your shoulder.

Rain check?

Really? Thanks for the tip.

Recessive gene, skips every nine generations.

Remember that?

Right. Listen, Buck.

See you in the car.

See. Look.

Seriously, you're very sweet to talk about this.

Seriously.

She didn't specify. I just assumed.

She doesn't listen to anybody anyway.

She is a twiddler, a dreamer...

She promised me! So much for promises.

She said she was going to a party.

She took a breeze.

She's 15. She's angry.

She's confused. AndIneedto findher.

She's my tumor, my growth, my pimple.

She's not here. I'm the uncle.

She's only six.

She's the last person I'd ask for a favor.

Shit!

Shit!

Shit!

Shit.

Shithead, where the hell you been?

Shut up!

Since when do cheerleaders live in the woods?

Sit down. I want you to meet my niece.

SmiIes and waves with erstwhiIe coId warriors RonaIdReagan

So thank them for getting treated like shit every day.

So they can grow up, get married and turn into shadows.

So unlike him.

So we're going to be very quiet for them.

So why did you move away from him?

So why don't we put a button on it...

So, I'll just go home and wait for the Federal Express man.

Sorry, honey. They're in Florida.

Sorry, Mr. Hatfiield.

Sorry.

Sorry.

Sort of, yeah.

Sort some things out.

Stand me up today, and tomorrow...

Start the day off right.

Step it up.

Stop it, please.

Stringing her along for about eight years now.

Sure you are. Everybody loves breakfast. You gotta have a good breakfast.

Sure. Good idea.

Surprise!

Take a little off the shoulder.

Take this quarter. Go downtown...

Tell him to hang in there.

Tell the neighbors we're sorry about having that parked in the driveway.

Than a misunderstanding with a neighbor lady.

Thanks again, Buck.

Thanks, Rog.

Thanks.

Thanks.

Thanks. See you soon.

Thankyou very much.

That door opens, I'm going to kick somebody's ass!

That is not a valid excuse! I hear that every day and I dismiss it.

That loves you very much.

That they would catch on fire like that.

That woman who sells tires.

That'd be great. I'd be honored.

That's a good idea.

That's a stupid thing to do during flu season.

That's about enough ofthat.

That's for sure.

That's good. Grandpa's feeling better.

That's not fair.

That's not the real reason people go there. People go...

That's on Totowa Lane.

That's one of my specialties.

That's someone who's sometimes seen around a Buck.

That'sgoodnews. That's encouraging.

The blue water's not good for him?

The Clapper.

The clock is ticking away.

The elbow. Shave a little meat...

The guy's a predator and you're his prey.

The horse racing, the gambling. Can you see him in this house?

The house, the family, the kids.

The kids are great! We're having a great time together.

The kids have school.

The lady who lives across the street.

The other kids.

The outer door. 'Cause there's nothing on this one.

The right wasLyndon andthe Ieft wasJohnson.

The trashy people he hangs out with.

The Uncle Buck.

The vest, the flower. Screw them. That's all they get.

The washing machine.

Then I would suspect he needed a new set oftires.

There we go.

There you go.

There you go.

There you go. This is a bowling ball.

There you go. Yeah, I got you now.

There, I said it.

They are scraping the bottom of the barrel for cheerleaders these days.

They are.

They don't know my personal life.

They eat on plates.

They have names. Miles and Maizy.

They make me puke.

They were right. I had it made.

They weren't making enough cash in Indianapolis.

They'd say, ''Man, look at you.

They're cuties.

They're here.

This is fun, isn't it? I guess.

This is going to be fun. Beautiful horses, interesting people.

This is not the time to discuss your brother.

This is where you separate the men from the boys.

This isjust a thought.

This isn't funny. Come on. Wake up!

This one's smart as a whip. I'm going to miss them like crazy.

This room's taken.

This was very important to me. My whole year was based on tonight.

This will do.

Thisguy's ajoke.

Tia took off on me. I was supposed to pick her up after school.

Tia, this is Rog. Rog, Tia.

Tia!

Tia?

Tia? Tia!

To a racetrack.

Tonight or in the morning?

Tonight will be fine. Don't worry.

Tonight would be best ifyou could do it.

Try me.

Try none, until they went up shit creek and got stuck.

U.B. went to school to pickyou up.

U.B.'s home.

Unbreakable.

Unless you tell me different, I'll offer thejob to somebody else.

UntiIdried out, brain deadskags Iikeyou...

Wait a minute.

WaIt Bern

Wait. I got it.

Wait. Let me explain.

Waiting foryour sex?

Want a little pretzel with your beer?

Want to go for a ride?

Washing machine's still broken so I thought I'd use the microwave.

We can talk to Mr. Neville about the dog.

We did leave the house a little messy. We tried. We're not so good at clean.

We gotta get together. I haven't been overyour house since you moved in.

We really had a good time. I know it's ridiculous.

We should have done this a long time ago, you and I.

We were going out for ice cream. Thought you might like tojoin us.

We'dIike toget to IndianapoIis assoon aspossibIe.

We'll be back by that time.

We're all a little tired ofthe act.

We've done the battle ofthe wills. The deck's stacked in my favor.

Well, well, well.

What about Buck? I'm sure he'd be glad to help out.

What am Ithinking?Sure.

What are we doing?

What are you doing out here making all this noise?

What are you talking about?

What areyou taIking about?

What did we caII them?

What did we talk about? Me playing the father!

What do we do?

What does he Iike to drink? Water?

What flew up her nose?

What happened?

What if he did?

What the hell is that? Hey, party time!

What the hell?

What, you can't take children when you're going to cheat on a horse race?

What?

What?

What? I didn't go out last night.

What? What? What are you doing, man?

What's his last name, Spray?

What's the matter?

What's this?

When Dad goes to New York, I'm going to take a week off work.

When I got exhausted and fell down, he waled me with his shoe.

When our mother figure isn't here, I'm in charge.

Where is everybody?

Where would you find something like that?

Where's your sister

Which is not an uncommon thing to do.

While he systematically dismantles my life?

While I'm thinking ofthese things. For the morning.

Who are you trying to score points with? My parents?

Who are you, and how do you know her father had a heart attack?

Who is that, the Grass Roots? I'm kidding. I know my music.

Who said anything about that? I thought you'd like tojoin us for ice cream.

Who's gonna watch the kids?

Whoa, I think there is.

Why don't we step into my offiice then?

Why don't you finish packing? I'll watch out for Buck.

Why don't you go your way and let him go his?

Why don't you just shut up?

Why?

Why'd you blow all that makeup? We'rejust going bowling.

Will shave your head while you sleep?

Will you get off? My back!

Win some dough, some serious dough.

Work it. Get the circuIationgoing.

Would you call them?

Would you get with the program? Bernstein is his name.

Would you just Give me

Would you like to talk about a possible lunch trade?

Yeah, about fiive years ago. Now they're so boring...

Yeah?

Yeah? Come on back and I'll kickyour ass, man!

Yeah? It was halfhearted. We'll let him.

Yeah? Who you talking dirty to?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yes, he drinks water. I would keep water out.