To Wong Foo Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar (1995) Edit

A café?

A day with the girls, like in New York high society!

A dinosaur, cellulite, white trash farty old white woman.

A dinosaur, cellulite, white trash farty old white woman.

A lot.

A sway backed, Third World little whatever. I didn't mean it.

A thing of beauty is a joy

Absolutely step three. Abide by the rules of love.

Acting real proud of yourself like a New York City girl, huh?

Ain't nobody here tonight winning Miss Congeniality.

All I want's them drag queens.

All of you are gonna regret it! I promise you will!

All right.

All right. You are a drag princess.

An occasional whiff of a rugged aftershave.

And a four and a five

And a seven and a eight.

And a six

And do I want to go to jail because of some cop killer?

And get to know this lovely town and its inhabit... ants.

And has the little operation, he is a transsexual.

And he run off with that lady film what do you call it? Distributor.

And her co star in Carmen Jones was Miss Pearl Bailey,

And here to present this year's Drag Queen Of The Year...

And how, through styling and the occasional make up tip,

And I ain't leaving till they get out here!

And I also think you should apologise to those ladies.

And I don't care what my cousin Lisette says.

And I don't think of you as a woman.

And I don't want Bobby Ray because he's such a local, right?

And I just need to go pick up my friends, all right?

And I said then and there I'd have one for myself.

And I'm gonna try and find a foundation

And I'm riding him all the way to New York City and away from you two

And I'm sorry I called you

And I'm very, very, very happy...

And it's time to crown a new Drag Queen Of The Year.

And just a little bit saddened by you. You, of all people.

And look at that videotape there.

And making the blind see, are you?

And my travelling companions and I

And please put on a clean shirt when you step outside.

And she just once wants to be special,

And the box in the closet? Good one, darling.

And the Constitution,

And the winner is...

And their... (Grunting) ...and leaving when the time is up.

And then there are times when if you help people,

And then you get your hair done,

And then you go sit in a café and talk.

And then you showed up and you were it.

And there's people you don't trust cos they will stab you in the ribs.

And those are the moves.

And three, opening four.

And walk into that imitation Tudor style house...

And we were gonna g give it to Good Good Good...

And we will have to rescue her.

And when a tired Latin boy puts on a dress, he is simply a boy in a dress.

And when I find my honest and true love,

And when one goes out, I just screw in another one. Hello, goodbye.

And when you look up their dresses

And you know that Miss Bobby Lee is in love with him.

And you stayed stuck in this car like Mary Jo Kopechne?

And you thought the Dust Bowl was over?

And, well, I just spilled the stew.

And, well... here.

Another mess is the youngest of the Budd family over there.

Another year flies by

Anyway, I got to get this dinner ready.

Approval neither desired nor required.

Are there some historical points of interest that we should not miss?

Are we correct in summarising, if we can clarify matters by saying that...

Are we discussing driving from New York to Los Angeles?

Are you serious about Bobby Ray, Miss Chi Chi?

As a matter of fact...

As soon as I get to a town with a bus I'm out of here. Howdy, y'all.

At the hands of this possibly dead Sheriff Dullard

Auntie Noxee?

Auntie Vida and Auntie Noxee

Aw...

Baby, you can have him. I've got a million dream lovers.

Back off, Virgil.

Basketball?

Be careful with the... It'll never get you to California!

Beauty parlour?

Because I never won nothing. Every time that I do something,

Because I'm going out with a cute boy and you ain't. Hello, goodbye.

Because this trip sucks, it sucks.

Before you're a full fledged queen.

Being as you're not a big talker and everything.

Believe it or not, it's my hometown.

Besides, I got these girls to raise.

Bobby Lee, I've been thinking about a lot of things lately

Bobby Lee, listen. The way to make things happen is imagine.

Bobby Lee, mamita, don't be so sensitive.

Bobby Lee!

Bobby Ray but you know that.

Bobby Ray told me what you really are.

Bobby Ray, come here.

Bobby! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Bossing people's lives around without them even asking you,

Budget Hosts are really good, I'm serious.

But I'm not Miss Anne Baxter.

But if there's a snowstorm tonight, he's going on my tyres.

But if there's a snowstorm tonight, he's going on my tyres.

But it's my home.

But let's just all suck it up and make this place tolerable, OK?

But maybe I'll meet somebody nice who will rescue me,

But she had taken this magical concoction...

But we'll try to be accommodating.

But when we are done with this crusade,

But, no, I'm a loser. That's why. I'm a loser.

Can I stay a princess? They're younger.

Cappuccino Commotion!

Carmen Jones and then Island In The Sun

Carmen Jones, then Island In The Sun,

Carol Ann, darling, we need more towels.

Carol Ann, I'm sorry but I cannot take this any more.

Carol Ann, there's something you should know about Vida, mami.

Carol Ann?

Cateria Raez!

Changing the way things have always been!

Check yourself, Loretta, before you wreck yourself.

Chi Chi, he won't like me.

Chi Chi, please!

Chi Chi, you just sit right here.

Chi Chi?

Chi Chi...

Children, and one.

Christ, you're tall.

Come forward now!

Come on, over here!

Come on!

Come on. Dance with me.

Come with me to my car. Come on.

Come with us. Please?

Come, come, come.

Corrupting you with their way of life,

Cos... It's just cos the two of you are so pretty, you know?

Could you do me a favour and take the little ones inside?

Could you possibly help us find a moderately priced hotel?

Crazy Elijah my cars are my children.

Darling, enchanté.

Darling, I cannot be held responsible for that.

Darling, you most certainly will not be going out with Mr Bobby Ray.

Delighted to meet us!

Did I ask you to be making me over and jump all kinds of hoops?

Did you say something?

Didn't have but two teeth in his mouth, so I guess West Virginia.

Dinah Washington sitting on this shelf getting dusty!

Do you, by chance, have a room that's possibly more inhabitable?

Does everything have to be a joke? This is not a masquerade, it's real.

Don't argue with me because if you argue, you're gonna lose.

Don't be giving me that bleeding heart Sally Struthers look.

Don't cry, Miss Chi Chi. Please don't cry.

Don't do that! What are you doing?

Don't forget to write.

Don't protect these freaks!

Don't start with me. We will go on. I've got to go. Bye!

Drop my name, anything on the lot $50.

Earrings of fuchsia and peach.

Enjoying my individual package of peanuts and my warm towel

Erm... I was wondering if you could help us.

Eugene?

Everybody thought she was dead

Everything I touch doesn't turn into caca.

Excuse me.

Excuse me. Oh, Vida, Vida! Che bellissima. Come va?

Feature debut, 1942.

First off, with regards to the assailant,

First off, with regards to the assailant,

For exactly 12 months.

For girls, they're sure strong and big.

For starters, the same business in between your legs.

For the Strawberry Social this afternoon.

Fossil face, cracker witch.

From Serenade Sun Valley to Bahama Passage.

Get inside. I got us a ride to Spidersville.

Get out of the car.

Get with the programme. No one is so rich as to throw away a friend.

Get your hand off my dick, buddy!

Go back!

Go home, take a bath, comb your hair

Go, girl.

God grant me the serenity to accept being a boy in a dress,

God, I ain't ever gonna be right.

God. I don't have the words.

Gonna be second rate your whole life.

Good afternoon, ladies.

Good afternoon, ladies. Can you say that, Tommy?

Good evening, ladies.

Good Good Good...

Good luck. Come on, honey.

Good. That's a start.

Goodwill.

Gorgeous performance.

Halfway towards utter, utter fabulousness.

Has way too much fashion sense for one gender, he is a drag queen.

Hats for career girls.

He is a transvestite.

He is the nicest coloured man you'd ever want to meet.

He was trying to have his way with me.

He's got a big Cadillac broke down.

He's in.

Hello, hello, hello! Good evening.

Hello, you handsome thing.

Hello?

Hello.

Hello.

Here you got your bathroom, you got towels.

Here, here it is!

Hi.

Homegirl ended up dying penniless.

Hon, do you, like, ever not cry in this room?

Honey, we should play these. The air should be filled with music.

Hop in.

How are we gonna know where we're going?

How can you hitchhike if there are no cars, stupid?

How could I disappoint you? I'm your knight in a shiny pick up, remember?

How do I look?

I ain't apologising to no ladies. No way.

I ain't driving you no more, Miss Daisy.

I am a drag queen.

I am having a significant experience.

I am hereby stripping you of all your princess points.

I am so very sorry that I called you

I bet you were the brightest in your class.

I brought your picture back.

I can remember almost everything she's ever done,

I can tell you one thing about them founding fathers of America.

I can't help but observe right now

I come to ask somebody out to the sociable.

I could be in a comfortable, climate controlled environment

I could never be like that.

I didn't ask to come on this trip, did I? No, I don't think so.

I didn't even want to come here, now these people are standing up for us?

I didn't know it was gonna be a party.

I do not do the bus. You have me mistaken for Miss Rosa Parks.

I don't find this funny any more.

I don't have to do that. You are the perfect girl.

I don't know if you know who she is...

I don't know. It's just so Middle America.

I don't think of you as a man.

I feel like Miss Jayne Mansfield in this.

I get it wrong and somebody's always laughing at me.

I got more legs than a bucket of chicken.

I guess it's a poker party, you got all your players, you don't need me.

I guess it's on account of what you really are.

I guess you're never gonna disappoint me.

I hardly think you're the man to give it to me.

I hate my life, I hate myself, I hate everything!

I have lived in apartments that weren't half as big as these pores.

I helped her look just a little bit less like Moms Mabley.

I hope she leaves me those albums in her will.

I imagined just like you said.

I just hope nobody mistakes us for the Gabors.

I knew this accountant who died on me like this.

I know them drag queens is here, I'm not leaving without them!

I know there's drag queens around here.

I know there's drag queens in this town!

I know they're hiding here,

I know what you need.

I know what you want. You know what you career girls want?

I know.

I know. That is Miss Anne Baxter in The Ten Commandments

I love roughnecks. If I was your bread, would you be my butter?

I love you, Miss Vida Boheme.

I mean, now I realise that...

I need to talk to Miss Chi Chi Rodriguez in private.

I noticed that you had yourself an Adam's apple.

I picked it up because I didn't want it to get dragged...

I picked these for your mom.

I really don't think that's what you want!

I really feel that if you love somebody with all of your heart,

I really respect that. I do.

I remember the first time that I laid eyes

I think I see him.

I think it's really important for a woman to have lady friends.

I think maybe he's prejudiced.

I think of you as an angel.

I think that maybe you'd better just let me finish this alone.

I think that's healthy.

I think tomorrow I'll wear a say something hat.

I think tomorrow is a say something hat day.

I think we should just ignore them.

I think you should apologise to me.

I thought you could use it, she was big in the shoulders.

I thought you had learned a little bit more than this.

I used to know a lawyer guy who had a car just like this

I used to tell people that when my father called me cruel names,

I want you to have this.

I was a Fresh Air Fund kid.

I was attacked by perverts! If you won't do something, I will!

I was...

I will be approached by an eminent producer at the lvy, no doubt

I would have dressed for it. Liquorice, anyone?

I would like...

I would like...

I'm gonna bring back three corpses.

I'm gonna make Hollywood wherever I am at.

I'm gonna make my lips even more bee stung.

I'm gonna miss you, too.

I'm gonna tell you what it is because I knew I could trust you,

I'm hungry.

I'm just so clumsy. I mean...

I'm just trying to give you back...

I'm looking for the person that wore that shoe.

I'm Merna. I run the beauty parlour.

I'm not gonna worry about if people accept me or not.

I'm not Martin Luther King. I don't need a dream. I have a plan.

I'm not sleeping with the Wicked Witch Of The West.

I'm so excited I could just spit.

I'm so sick of this freakazoid white lady

I'm sorry. How many?

I'm sorry. Is that your girlfriend?

I'm taking my face to Sweden to win the Nobel Peace Prize.

I'm the eldest in my family, too.

I've got a broken heart for every light on Broadway

I've got a secret romance. Couldn't you just lose it?

I've got to sleep in a real bed.

I've had quite enough...

I've never heard that expression before.

I've waited my whole life to hear those words said to that name.

Idiots! Look at them!

If he gets a whiff of your wiles, darling...

If it wasn't for what? What?

If somebody gave me back my princess points, I would get us a ride.

If we're going to be friends, there really is something I should tell you.

If you had any idea of how many nights I've lain awake,

If you need more towels,

If you really love someone,

If you want anything, holler. We'll put your bags in the hall.

If you want them to know that there is steak for dinner,

Imagine good things and moisturise, I cannot stress this enough.

Imagine.

Instead of old men with their greasy bellies and their money

Internal combustion, the ultimate accessory.

Is all alone in this world.

Is that who you have your little brown roots set on?

Is there a drag ball going on?

It can never be too big. Here, put this on.

It comes down to that age old decision.

It never s s s sold and she never s s s sent it b b back

It was step three.

It'd bring a tear to your eye. Then there's Clara.

It's a Budget Host.

It's a misprint!

It's absolutely out of the question.

It's all right, baby. I deserved it.

It's an affront to the very delicacy of my nature.

It's Chi Chi. Chi Chi Rodriguez.

It's Julie Newmar. I always thought she was so statuesque.

It's like living in a Tex Avery cartoon.

It's not that I'm asking for help but if something, anything...

It's the why I'm always right and you're wrong song

Jimmy Joe, this is not just a restaurant any more.

Just a little bit, Bobby.

Just a little spice.

Just as I expected. Well... do you like my nails?

Just come out with your hands up, no one will get hurt.

Just take her strength, her mystery, her moves and you find your own.

Just take him. He's yours, baby. Go ahead and take him.

Just thinking about how to get out of here.

Just to start off. Then I'll work on the career girl stuff.

Katina, first you do volunteer work

Ladies, please, for your own safety, go with the Toyota Corolla.

Ladies. Ladies. You're just gonna have to wait.

Laritza surrendered her body completely...

Last year's winner.

Let me tell you, my papi is built like a brick...

Let's just see what we got here.

Let's see. Three round trip tickets, two adults, one child...

Let's stay positive. Bobby Lee, just ignore your old Auntie Noxee

Let's throw you two a pity party. Two fraidy old ladies.

Liberty and justice for all, they didn't mean that.

Like no nonsense. Like...

Like that.

Like the Miami Sound Machine just exploded all over you.

Listen to me, you little sway backed, Third World...

Listen to your Auntie Vida. I want you to believe in yourself,

Listen, listen. You are a winner. You look like...

Little Latin boy in drag,

Look at them. Perverts.

Look at this. Look, look.

Look at you, my little piñata. How are you?

Look at you! I'm like a compass near north.

Look at your eyes. They as blue as window cleaner, Bobby Lee.

Look, Miss Necrophilia, get yourself in this car right now!

Look! They're from the Sixties!

Look. That little Latin boy in drag is crying.

Looksies, no feelsies.

Lost in the hot embrace of Damien's sinewy bronze flesh,

Lovely night. Look at those stars.

Lxnay on the Hound, then. How about chemin de fer? Train.

Malaga.

Malaga.

Mami, save it. Everybody's business is her business.

Mamis, don't quote me but I think this one is deceased.

Man! Look at that!

Maps are cheating.

May I have the envelope, please?

Maybe I want something? What's wrong with that?

Maybe I'm not just a boy in a dress.

Maybe there is a place for somebody like me but I don't need that.

Me, too. I'm gonna stand up from now on, I'm going to.

Men, acting like women.

Merna, what's a day with the girls?

Mind if I sit?

Mind you, peach.

Mine, too. And, oh, he's so strong.

Mine, too. What a coinky dinky. And he's so sweet.

Miss Chi Chi, I must commend you

Miss Chi Chi, if you were my girl, you'd never cry for anything,

Miss Clara.

Miss Girl is dealing with some demons.

Miss Julie Newmar has been watching silently over this conversation.

Miss Julie Newmar!

Miss Julie, you are statuesque and you were the only Cat Woman.

Miss Loretta and of course Miss Little Bobby Lee.

Miss Missy!

Miss Noxeema, our duchess of protocol, will inform you.

Miss Noxeema.

Miss Rachel Tensions!

Miss Vida, I just kept thinking it was happening.

Miss Vida!

Miss Vida?

Mmm mmm. I don't know who he is

Momma!

Mrs Ann Landers pain in my culo.

Must have been one of those bad presidents.

My feelings exactly!

My God, that was so brave what you did back over there.

My goodness. You're always on time. And twice as sweet as usual.

My name is Vida Boheme of the Manhattan Bohemes

My plan is that, while in Hollywood,

My whole life I've always wanted someone

Next time you give something like this up, call me, I'll take it.

No idea! You're gonna regret it!

No matter how big or how small.

No one is asking you to be.

No one say anything frivolous for a few moments,

No way.

No, I don't got one of those. A girlfriend, I mean. I got a name

No, I don't think so.

No, no, no Drums Of The Congo, then Hit Parade Of '43.

No, no! Noxee didn't decide anything. Noxee got dragged into this.

No, no. Vida, there are times when you help people

No, papito, el gusto es mío.

No... Moses.

Nobody, that's who. Not even your rich mommy and daddy.

None of you good people need get involved.

Not that I'm not in shape or anything, but...

Nothing this pretty could be real.

Nothing time won't heal. Thank you.

Nothing.

Nothing.

Now slap a dollar surcharge on every bill out here. Paid for.

Now, listen, when you get to Hollywood,

Now, on those steps, that dear little Spanish soul,

Now, ready? Operation Decorator Storm.

Now, Tommy, when you encounter such gorgeous ladies,

Now, we must talk. We have une petite crise.

Now, we're stuck here forever. I knew it.

Noxee, could you take care of Miss Carol Ann?

Noxee. Oh, no. Noxee!

Noxeema Jackson, I must admit that I am shocked

Noxeema Jackson!

Noxeema, we must all help others.

O dear and oft thanked Wong Foo,

Of course I remember. My knight in shining whatever that was.

Of course, I'm sure you'll be wanting to stick around

Of the life of Miss Dorothy Dandridge.

Officer, if I could just explain. My licence, the name...

Oh, baby. You are a whole lot of woman.

Oh, Bobby Ray, Bobby Ray, Bobby Ray.

Oh, Carol Ann, I...

Oh, Carol Ann, what on earth...?

Oh, child, no. You are, simply put, a boy in a dress.

Oh, don't stop.

Oh, girl. I'm coming. I'm a coming! I'm gonna get you.

Oh, God. Virgil's gonna hurt Vida so bad.

Oh, hon, you should commit sections to memory.

Oh, Jesus. Vida, this is unbecoming of a lady.

Oh, Lord.

Oh, lovely! Une fête champêtre.

Oh, man, sometimes I think we should just get rid of all the men.

Oh, Miss Clara, you're gonna look like Emma Peel.

Oh, my God. A dead white policeman?

Oh, no, girlfriend... Did you just do a U ie?

Oh, no, it isn't.

Oh, no, no, no. Noxee, please, no.

Oh, no. You can be anything you want.

Oh, stop. My nerves.

Oh, there's this fringe, honey. I think I'm gonna black out.

Oh, this old thing?

Oh, Virgil. So how long will she take to fix?

Oh, what fresh hell is this? It's possibly dead Sheriff Dollard.

Oh, yes. That noble blacktress who never played domestic help

Oh, you spoke French. How bi.

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh! A tail light out. That is the very least of our problems.

Oh! Hello.

Oh! Now, over there is Jimmy Joe, who runs the Rooster and Pony.

Oh! Oh! I can't believe it! Oh!

Oh. Oh...

Oh...

OK, well, this is it.

OK.

On a certain young ebony enchantress in the rough

On a transcontinental airline,

On account of your need and unprecedented glamour,

On those Robert Clergerie knockoffs and get back in this car.

On your entrance into this establishment.

Only men have Adam's apples.

Ooh! Not a good auto reference.

Ooh! Ow!

Ooh! Sorry.

Ooh. # To dump, to dump, to dump dump dump

Oooh! Absolutely. Step two, big time.

Or substance?

Over there. Her and her husband ain't had sex for nearly seven years.

Owwww!

P to the R to the IN to the CESS! I'm a princess!

Pardon me, kind sirs. Pardon me.

Pardon me.

Patience, ma chérie. You will know when you've done them.

Pay your hometown girls some homage!

People are gonna be cruel, maybe violent. We have been there before.

Please get in this car.

Please, no! Please. No.

Poinky poinky poink poink!

Poor thing, he's got a sad little... st st st stutter.

Presenting the crown,

Proof that in New York City

Psst!

Put these on and it will shield your eyes...

Put your hands together for

Putting someone else's needs before your own. It was special.

Ready or not, here comes mama.

Red and wild is our theme. You know what we should have today?

Regarding the assault in your jurisdiction

Robert Mitchum?

See, I don't have any Cadillac parts, especially no old ones.

Sell our plane tickets and the three of us go by bus.

Señorita Chi Chi!

She can't hear and she don't talk. She's just a little...

She did something... Road. Road... road.

She is the perfect, the ultimate... Oh!

She might be a Sandinista.

She took to the bottle as soon as she could swallow.

She truly does have a piñata for a head.

She trusts me and I trust her.

She'll get kidnapped by some mountain man

She's an oppressive gringa with a pinga.

Sheriff Dollard, we've read your filed report

Shut up, Chi Chi!

Si te ajusto las nalgas...

Sighing, grunting.

Since you have learned absolutely nothing,

So go ahead. You can have him.

So what if she is?

So you can just drag yourself on home.

So you had to put on a dress.

So, Beatrice, what are we working on?

So, I gather you like hitting ladies.

So, you are Virgil and Carol Ann's eldest, am I right?

Some fell in. I scooped them out.

Some ladies need to get hit.

Somebody's coming courting.

Sometimes it just takes a fairy.

Sorry, darling. Forgive me.

Sorry. They have a mind of their own, you know. My goodness.

Sounds wonderful. The shirt is fierce and the hair is working.

Stand up, Vida.

Stand up, Vida. Stand up.

Step out of the vehicle.

Step two to becoming a queen ignore adversity.

Stop torturing us.

Stop.

Strawberries are red.

Style...

Suddenly, from out of the darkness came evidence to the contrary.

Sung by her lonely breasteses herself.

Sure is a pretty dress you're wearing.

Surely.

T That's just s stuff my grandma bought w when she opened.

Ta da!

Take them out.

Tell him we got a big Cadillac broke down upside the road.

Tell me, does it have a club car?

Tell me, what are they?

Telling a black lady and a Latin lady which way is up, down and under.

Thank you, my little Miss Vida.

Thank you, Wong Foo.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you. I'm gonna miss you.

Thank you. You're welcome.

That child is Latin. You don't want to get mixed up in that mess.

That I'm very fortunate to have a lady friend

That is totally out of our league. What else can we do?

That it will take to make you a full fledged drag queen.

That little run you took me on really took a lot out of me.

That season, we were loaded with pizzazz,

That there are no chopped onions anywhere.

That's a little closer to my actual skin tone.

That's fine but you still have a lot to learn

That's how you pick up a lady.

That's my shoe. Ten and a half B, girlfriend.

That's right. And be honest with him, all right? He deserves that.

That's wonderful. That is just wonderful.

The Au au autobiography Of Diana

The correct way to greet them is to say,

The first name on my driver's licence is Eugene.

The little Hispanic rent a tart.

The next town, I'm jumping on the first man

The only man of money matters, Mr John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt.

The rest of her days?

The winner of the Drag Queen Of The Year

The winner of this year's Drag Queen Of America contest...

Their low, baritone voices...

Their stubbly chins rubbing up against one another.

Then between that and Carmen Jones

Then Decks Ran Red, then, oh, yes, Porgy And Bess.

Then we go home.

Then you could never keep a secret from them.

Then, conversely, some men need to be hit back.

There will be a barbecue at Twelve Oaks tonight.

There. There.

There's a fine line between trust and stupidity

There's a whole bunch of it, there's something for everybody.

There's got to be a historical marker or something.

There's Miss Vida, come on.

There's no medical reason. Ever since her husband lost the movie theatre

There's nothing interesting here for you, you're from New York City.

These boxes dropped on me from that closet.

These weirdos coming in here, these boys in dresses.

They hold one another in manly, masculine arms.

They only grow in darkness and dank

They used to take us troubled kids into the country for picnics...

They were boys, three of them, and one of them was black.

They were not girls.

This is my Aunt Martha's dress.

Those boys didn't hurt you, did they, Miss Chi Chi?

Thus marring the Methodist annual picnic.

Tight.

Time to make the donuts.

To become a drag queen, you have to learn these things.

To dream of being utterly, utterly fabulous.

To go to Bala Cynwyd, Pennsylvania

To have a moment in the starlight,

To Hollywood, California!

To take our young protégé, Miss Chi Chi, to Hollywood with us.

Today you're the lucky winner of...

Touching swirls of chest hair.

Trust me. He's gonna love you, all right?

TVW the very worst. Quick household hint, if I may.

Uh huh. Jesse's daughter.

Uh uh uh. Not on your young, queer life. You and your causes.

Unless it's the evening and then you say what?

Us in Hollywood? This is total glam.

V Vreeland.

Vida works out. Vida works out.

Vida, please. No. It's OK.

Vida!

Virgil and I have something we must discuss.

Virgil?

Wanna try Lena Horne?

We all tired, honey.

We are so lost you cannot believe.

We are three young career girls from...

We are working on decorations for the Strawberry Social.

We came in for a little sanctuary.

We don't go for that around these parts,

We give out ribbons for the best strawberry pie.

We have a tie!

We just have have w what's on the f floor.

We just need to get rid of all the men.

We must take this message across the land as our sovereign token.

We take them into the centre of town, then we eat the strawberry pies.

We used to have a hollering contest but some people didn't like it.

We were so poor my parents got married for the rice.

We will have to stay here till Monday

We will make the most of it. Watch.

We're doing it tomorrow. We all make strawberry pies,

We're gonna have to stop sometime.

We're staying in this no tell motel so be quiet.

We've gone through the first 14 but, you know, girl stuff.

Well, er, it's tomorrow afternoon, so I best be asking.

Well, er, thank you.

Well, erm...

Well, ladies, welcome to Snydersville.

Well, maybe Mr Rogers. I mean, he just seems sensitive.

Well, Tommy, this is Miss Vida and Miss Clara

Well, well. Here we all are again.

Well, what if what I want to imagine is a boy I want to go out with?

Well, you are a winner and...

Well...

Well... Roberta...

West Virginia?

What about the two of you leaving poor Miss Vida

What are we gonna do now, Miss Know lt All?

What are you gonna do about it?

What can I say? My heart is full.

What can I say? She's had a difficult life.

What did I say?

What did you say your name was? Your name?

What do strawberries say to anyone here?

What do you know about relationships?

What do you mean, be a drag queen? I am a drag queen.

What is going on upstairs has nothing to do with you.

What is it?

What is that noise?

What stunning visions! Tell us your beauty secrets or we'll die.

What? Boys in dresses?

What...?

What's all this noise?

When a lady says no, she means...

When a straight man puts on a dress to get kicks,

When I think Noxee and I decided to take pity on this Latin boy in drag

When the founding fathers wrote the Declaration of Independence

Where she can compete in the Drag Queen Of America contest.

White girls riding around with ******s and spics.

Who just happens to have an Adam's apple.

Whoever belongs to this shoe...

Whoopee(!)

Whose birthday I think should be a national holiday.

Why did you give this up?

Why do I feel like I'm in the Tournament Of Roses Parade?

Why do you always do this to me?

Why not? We got a lot in common.

Why not? We got a lot in common.

Will be staying in your fair hamlet for the weekend.

Will give you the outrageous outlook and indomitable spirit

Will receive an all expense paid, round trip ticket

Work the runway, work it! To the future, diva women!

Working that tired Abbe Lane drag for all it's worth

Would one day share a title with moi?

Would you...?

Wow.

Wow. Miss Thing got some stuff in here.

Wow. You really look good in that dress.

Wow. You really look pretty.

Yeah, you mustn't forget about Bobby Ray.

Yeah! Our car died over there

Yeah. He can stay but he's not allowed to think or speak.

Yeah. How did you know?

Yes, you will start off a mere boy in a dress.

Yoo hoo! Excuse me, you forgot something!

You are deceiving that child. That boy does not know which end is up

You are going to have a shiner, put a steak on that.

You can keep the mints even if you don't stay all night.

You can laugh but I hope you pack that Cadillac because I'm staying.

You can say anything to her. She don't hear, she can't talk.

You certainly do. Do that eye thing I taught you, right?

You could keep one big secret from them.

You did it. Yes!

You do this to make me mad. Why do you want to make me mad?

You don't know me very well. I'm the Latina Marilyn Monroe.

You dropped it earlier and...

You ends up being killed, so you don't help people.

You forgot your picture!

You girls all did want to be in the same room.

You go ahead, girl. You're gonna get screwed.

You got a tail light out. Your licence.

You got beat up by a girl?

You gotta take chances.

You have huge potential and you are squandering it!

You have no idea how dangerous these people really are!

You have turned it into a lovely café.

You just got to know how to talk to people.

You just imagine good things happening

You know what I think?

You know, if I can get this to work, you may get this baby on the road.

You know, Vida...

You make me feel like the most perfect girl.

You might want to set your sights a tiny bit higher.

You need a ride?

You need to mind your own business.

You put spices in here.

You remember John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt.

You ruin my language and I still love you.

You said a mouthful.

You seem a little tired so I'll leave you be.

You sons of bitches. Don't laugh at me!

You stay in the vehicle.

You want to know? That's you running into everybody's house...

You want to touch my boa?

You were absolutely right.

You were just like a regular knight in shining pick up truck.

You'd never lie to me, you'd never keep a secret from me.

You'll find them in the closet down at the end of the hallway.

You'll meet many of your friends inside.

You're a career girl.

You're a long way from West Virginia, girls.

You're a queen because you couldn't cut it as a man

You're gonna really regret this. You're gonna regret this.

You're not a queen because you sit on a throne,

You're not gonna start walking across water

You're not my mamas and you can't stop me.

You're staying? Well, Miss Jennifer Holliday, go ahead and stay.

You're the selfish one,

You're very observant.

You've got an overhead light here.

You've got to let them hear it sizzle. Understand?

Your car should be ready tomorrow. It's only one night.

Your drag queen pageant finalists!

Your stockings are falling down!

1,500?

¡Ay, tan chulo! El gusto es mío. No, no. El gusto es mío.

(Barman) What can I get you? Bourbon.

(Chi Chi sighs) #... drive me slowly out of my mind

(Engine spluttering) Please...

(Knocking at door) (Man) Ladies, five minutes.

(Man) I love you! Oh, thank you.

(Noxeema screams) What?

(Woman) Hello, Loretta. Hello.

# Hold me, hold me... # Miss Beatrice,

# Polish my pumps... # Good afternoon.

A day with the girls. A day with the girls.

A little paprika... No, don't! No, don't!

All of five minutes. Oh, my goodness. Thank you.

All right, y'all. You are a puta Spanish fly.

All right. No colours. No. No. No. No.

and bring her along with us... Noxee and l? Uh, uh, uh.

And the winners are... Me...

and you make them happen. Oh.

And... And Bobby Ray.

Anyway, bye bye. Bye.

Are you all right? You gotta like! Princess Chi Chi.

Are you crying? No. Just chopping onions.

Are you hearing this? Yes.

Are you sure? Don't go over!

Arrest us. I'm a drag queen over here.

Because you're as big as a float? Your mother.

Bobby Lee! She's so sensitive.

Bobby Lee! She's so sensitive.

Bobby Ray, is that you? It sure is. Is Virgil in?

Bright Road. Thank you.

Brunell? Virgil.

Can I have my shoe, please? You're a drag queen?

Can I see your licence? What seems to be the problem?

Can we have this? (Noxeema) But we daren't.

Can we pay in trade? It's English, darling. Noxee.

Can you believe? I can't believe! Good Good Good...

Career girls? Yes. From New York City.

Careful. Who is their art director? Ma Joad?

Cheapest. Oh, well, mule!

Cherry Lifesaver. All day sucker.

Congratulations on your victoire. Thank you.

Crise? Oh, jamais. We have decided

Don't be looking at me. Noxeema!

Don't do it. Vida, please be careful.

Don't get an attitude. Let me check.

Don't get an attitude. Let me check.

Don't go out there. What is going on?

Don't go there. You are an uptight, cellulite,

Er, Miss Chi Chi... Won't you come back in an hour?

Er... Shh. Just say yes. OK. I'll see you.

Excuse me. There's no toilet.

Forgiven? Forgiven.

Get out! Oh, my goodness! I want to see!

Give me a kiss. No. Please, no.

Go ahead, girl. Your approval is not needed.

Go get it. That's not cool.

God! It's still too spicy. I scooped them out...

Good for you. Chi Chi.

Goodbye. Bye.

He did? Yeah.

He had his hand up my dress... Feeling you up?

Hello! I'm walking here! I'm walking here!

Hello. What are we gonna do?

Here, put this on. Oh, no.

Hey, girl. Hi, sweetie. Sit here.

Hi. Hi.

Hi. I'm Noxeema. How do you do?

His name is my name, too. Do people shout? I hate that.

How are we gonna do that? Erm...

How do you know he's dead? I'm not sure.

How do you know he's dead? If you want to know, you check.

How do you know that? How did you know that?

How Three Sisters. How Chekhov. We?

How you doing? OK, I'm doing OK.

How? Take her with us to Hollywood.

I can't. You can and you will, darling.

I declare. I decline.

I don't know what. (Laughter)

I killed him. Why is he on the ground?

I need some sleep tonight, OK? (Men wolf whistling and shouting)

I scooped them out. Why are you arguing with me?

I should have met you outside. It's OK, Mr Manager.

I spy with my little eye. What is this?

I wanna see where she was birthed! The birthplace of Miss Vida Boheme.

I wish I was as beautiful as you. Honey!

I'm a boy in a dress. Give me a kiss, big boy.

I'm just a boy in a dress? (Both) Definitely.

I'm not rich, my parents are. You gave all this up?

I'm not. You want me to hit you?

I've waited 23 years to ask you this. # Never let me go until you've told me #

Instincts, my dear. And exquisite wit.

Is this really necessary? Where's your licence?

It's Dollard. It says Dullard on your name tag.

It's the look! Noxee, how can you possibly refuse?

It's too goddamn hot! No!

Jimmy Jay? Joe.

Joe Jay. Jimmy Joe.

Let's go. All right.

Let's go. Don't leave me with this dead man!

Let's go. Ow! What's the matter with you?

May I have this dance? My gracious.

May I? Oh, please.

May we see Exhibit A? Found at the scene of the crime.

Maybe Virgil can call his friend... Carol Ann.

Miss Clara! I know her.

Miss Sheena Riviera. (Crowd cheering)

Mrs Dollard. Shut up. Just shut up!

Mrs Dollard... Give me the shoe.

No, please don't do this. Give Daddy some sugar.

No. No?

No. No.

Now, Vida... Ca...

Noxeema Jackson. Noxeema?

Oh, my God! What? Speak to me.

Oh, no? Tough talk.

Oh, what in gay hell? What's the matter?

Oh, yes! Does it have a club car? How much?

One thousand. That is fabulous.

Ooh, that's voodoo. That's cold. You can't do that.

Please. You've got class, glamour.

Problem solved. A lifesaver. Are we driving to Los Angeles?

Read it, please. To Wong Foo,

Really utterly fabulous. Sit here. Here, honey.

Red and wild. That's your theme. What?

Ridiculous. A bunch of wet rags. She's crazy.

Roberta. Oh, Roberta.

Say what? Take her with us.

See that? El gusto es mío.

She can't hear you? No.

She went there. ...selfish piece of street trash!

She'll get herself killed. When?

Sheriff Dullard? Dollard here.

Should we blow? Yes. Two words, b low.

Shut up. You're exotic.

So the next city is... Bala Cynwyd.

So? He'll be right down.

Sorry, no. I mean it. You're beautiful.

Sorry, no. I mean it. You're beautiful.

Stop it. What time are you due...

Strawberry Social? The biggest thing in these parts.

Take a picture, it'll last longer. We have to go get her. Let's go.

Talk to him, you speak honky. Sheriff Dullard...

Tamango. Tamango...

Thank you, girl. Oh, sweet pea.

Thank you. OK.

Thanks. Best of luck.

Thanks. I got to go. I got cramps.

That's all? Of course we're pretty

That's Dollard. I am sorry.

That's him. Jeez!

The seats are like butter. Now this is a car.

Then you know? I know...

There's wine and cheese. I love to be wined and dined.

These all grow wild around here. You all grow wild around here.

They really like us. Love...

This could prove problematic. Why?

This guy's living. You think?

This party craves a theme. Theme?

This your shoe? No, that ain't my shoe.

Tie? What's she mean, tie? Oh, my God.

To have or to dump? To dump.

To say the least. I got a secret romance, too.

Toast to Miss Chi Chi. We salute you.

Tommy. Tommy, Tommy.

Virgil does not like it. I'm just pushy.

Virgil! Carol Ann! OK...

Virgil. It's Bobby Ray. You in? No.

Virgil's beating up Carol Ann. Most likely.

We will be right back. I'm not going upstairs with you.

We'll be seen at the China Bowl. We will induce envy and rage.

We're not gonna have much luck. It is looking somewhat serious.

Welcome. Welcome?

Well, I declare. I declare.

Well, Mel Gibson. He has a cute can. Oh, please!

Well... Well...

What did you say? You heard me.

What do we do till Monday? You got to wait.

What does she know? Right.

What is she doing? Live life before it lives you.

What part do I play? Two round trips to LA.

What you so afraid of? (All jeering)

What? That was so very generous of you,

What's that? They sure had fabulous wigs.

What's with the waterworks? I wanted to win this so much

Where do you think we are? West Virginia?

Who was Wong Foo? I don't know but they were close.

Who was Wong Foo? I don't know but they were close.

Why don't we sleep in the car? Oh, please(!)

Why? No, I can't do that. It's too big.

Wild strawberries. Yes, wonderful!

Yeah. All right.

Yeah. Shush.

Yes. For me. No, no, no. No, this is mine.

You are lovely. You're too much.

You know a lot. Oh, please.

You're pretty. Why, thank you.

You've got her number. Let's say bus.

Your badge says Dullard. It's a misprint.

¡Ay, mama! Look!

¡Ay, nenita! Look! Look at this! Look what I found.

...and I will say, My name is Miss Vida Boheme.

...melting with every touch of his insatiable lipses.

...Miss Noxeema Jackson and Miss Vida Boheme!

'By the sword of my father before me,

'for I am doomed to spend the rest of my days

'I'm here to save you, Princess Laritza.'

'in this miserable cell.'

'The fates must despise me

'You are my knight in shining armour.'

(# Chaka Khan: Free Yourself)

(# Eartha Kitt: Je Cherche Un Homme)

(# Eartha Kitt: Je Cherche Un Homme)

(# Fanfare)

(# Johnny Mathis: Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me)

(# Tchaikovsky: 1812 Overture)

(All talking at once)

(All talking at once)

(All talking at once)

(All) Friends?

(Announcer) Ladies and gentlemen.

(Announcer) Miss Chi Chi Rodriguez!

(Both) Panama Hattie!

(Boy) Here, kitty, kitty, kitty.

(Carol Ann and Virgil arguing)

(Carol Ann) Right. Mr Rogers, Keanu Reeves, Denzel Washington...

(Carol Ann) We're saving Mel Gibson. (Vida) With a gag.

(Cheering and shouting)

(Cheering and wolf whistles)

(Cheering)

(Cheering)

(Cheers and whistles)

(Chi Chi muttering in Spanish)

(Chi Chi) How come you never told us you were rich?

(Chi Chi) I'll be centre, you be cheerleader.

(Chi Chi) I'm so tired, I wish I were dead.

(Chi Chi) Let's just relax.

(Chi Chi) No, mamita, please!

(Chi Chi) OK, OK, that's it. That does it. I'm history.

(Chi Chi) Use your muscles. (Noxeema) Jealous?

(Chi Chi) What are we gonna do now?

(Chi Chi) Where the freak are we?

(Clears throat)

(Crowd cheering)

(Dollard) We have the town surrounded. There's no escape.

(Drum roll)

(Gasps)

(Groaning and muttering)

(Horn honks)

(Ignition fails)

(Ignition fails)

(Knocking at door)

(Laughter)

(Man shouting, bottle smashes)

(Man) Mama!

(Man) That's Snydersville.

(Man) Vida! Hi.

(Noxeema and Vida giggling)

(Noxeema sighs)

(Noxeema) All right, let's see. She needs more lips.

(Noxeema) Come on.

(Noxeema) Congratulations, Miss Rodriguez.

(Noxeema) Eartha... (Purrs) Miss Kitt to you.

(Noxeema) Golly, golly, golly!

(Noxeema) I can't believe this. I get a nice crown, a nice sceptre,

(Noxeema) I was back in the club car, now we're driving across America.

(Noxeema) Just pay attention. Auntie Vida will make you a big old queen.

(Noxeema) Let good thoughts be your sword and shield.

(Noxeema) Miss Vida thinks that I don't have a dream.

(Noxeema) My God. This is my idea of hell!

(Noxeema) Oooh! Guess what I see.

(Noxeema) The last person I saw

(Noxeema) This America does not respond kindly to our sort of person.

(Noxeema) You're just post traumatised.

(Police radio, indistinct)

(Rachel) Now, go and scandalise this country, girlfriends.

(Shower running)

(Sighs) Whoo!

(Siren)

(Sobbing)

(Squeals) Yeah!

(Vida sighs)

(Vida) Bobby Lee. (Chi Chi) I didn't know it'd happen.

(Vida) I think he's dead. (Chi Chi) Don't leave me.

(Vida) Oh!

(Vida) Well, not all of us... them are bad.

(Virgil) What the hell?

(Voices fade)

(Whistles)

(Whistling)

# A little Maybelline to spread on my face, well

# Aah # Ooh ooh ooh ooh

# Ain't holding nothing back Oh, she's a brick

# All night long # You'd better walk

# All the world is waiting for you

# Always something nice to say Oh, what a blessing

# Always treat her with respect I never would abuse her

# An ordinary guy's all right with me... #

# And the lady is mine #

# And the old red, white and blue

# And the power you possess

# And then just hold me, hold me

# And when you do

# And where is the body?

# And where is the body?

# Another time Another place

# Be what you want yourself to be

# Be yourself

# Break out my clothes, yeah, I need to unload

# But girls, they wanna have fun

# But it would be nothing without a woman or a girl... #

# Close your eyes any place that you can be

# Come on # Hey, now. Hey, now

# Cos I'm going faster than you can drive

# Do what you wanna do

# Do what you wanna do

# Do what you wanna do... #

# Do you wanna be free, yeah?

# Featuring I am body beautiful

# Free yourself

# Free yourself

# Free yourself # Free yourself

# Free yourself # Gotta change that vibe

# Free yourself # Leave the past behind

# Free yourself Free yourself

# Girls just wanna have fun now

# Girls just wanna have fun now #

# Gonna change that vibe

# Gotta find a new man

# Gotta find some place

# Gotta get out... #

# Gotta leave this place

# Gotta leave this place

# Gotta leave this town

# Gotta move

# Gotta move

# Gotta move #

# He doesn't have to be handsome as a picture

# Help me build a mountain from a little pile of clay

# House

# House

# I am body beautiful

# I am body beautiful

# I am the house # The whole mansion

# I am the queen # Queen Bee

# I can leave her on her own

# I can show you how to go to

# I can show you how to go to

# I know that you will miss me # Miss me... #

# I like ladies stacked And that's a fact

# I work the runway # Left right left right

# I'm fantasy # You're fantasy

# I've got them on

# In a different light There is no one else

# In a new light

# It makes me feel so mighty real

# It's time to act up and have a ball

# It's time to see yourself

# It's time to see yourself

# It's time to see yourself

# Je cherche un homme... #

# Just free yourself

# Just free yourself

# Just free yourself

# Just free yourself

# Just free yourself

# Just free yourself # Do you wanna be free, yeah?

# Just leave them in my past

# Kiss me # Kiss me

# Lace underwear A tube of Nair

# Looking like a luminary, extraordinary, sing it... #

# Make me tell you I'm in love with you

# Move over mother

# No messing

# No one told you you can't have it all

# Of elegance

# Oh, Daddy dear, you know you're still number one

# Oh, oh

# Oh, she's a brick

# Oh, you are too many things

# Ooh # Body beautiful

# Ooh # Ooh ooh ooh ooh

# Ooh ooh ooh ooh

# Ooh ooh ooh ooh

# Ooh ooh ooh ooh # Ooh

# Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh # Ah... #

# Ooh, yeah

# Ooh! # Body beautiful

# Ordinary, it's left standing

# Ordinary, it's left standing # In the past

# Peu m'importe comment il se nomme

# Run in my stockings hey, it ain't no big deal

# S'il est un homme, un homme, un homme... #

# See yourself

# She's a brick

# She's a lady

# She's mighty, mighty Just lettin' it all hang out

# Shine up the runway while I powder my nose

# Some other place Some brand new place

# Some place where each face that I see won't be staring back at me

# Talkin' about that little lady

# Talkin' about the little lady

# Telling me what to be and how to be it

# The head of your class

# There'll be those who say what you're doing is wrong

# This is a man's world

# Thrill me, thrill me

# To heaven

# Turn it out You've got to turn it out

# Turn on the spotlight Gonna strike up a pose

# Uh oh! # Ooh ooh ooh ooh

# Walk me down the lane where shadows will be

# We'll be when you make me tell you I love you

# Well, for savoir faire, more derriére... #

# Well, she never asks very much and I don't refuse her

# What a blessing

# What's the matter with you?

# What's the matter with you?

# What's the matter with you?

# Whoa, girls, they wanna have # Hey, now. Hey, now

# Whoa, whoa, whoa, she's a lady

# Whoa, whoa, whoa, she's a lady

# Why don't you be yourself?

# Why don't you be yourself? # Leave the past behind

# Why don't you be yourself? # Leave the past behind

# Will be hiding lovers just the same as we'll be

# Wonder Woman

# Wonder Woman

# Wonder Woman Wonder Woman

# Yeah, she's the one The only one

# You know, girls, they wanna have fun

# You've got to # Free yourself

# You've got to be yourself # Gonna change that vibe... #

# You've got to free yourself

#... and girls, they wanna have fun

#... and the lady is mine

#... when I find me that new place, maybe ours

♫ Girls just wanna have fun now, Yeah, yeah, yeah... ♫