Vacation 2015 (2015) Edit

A Actually, Audrey said

A cowboy with a huge six pack

A musician without his instrument

A stream of consciousness travel log, so...

A what?!

Aah! Aah!

Aah! Dad!

Aah! Ow! Aah!

Aah! Whoa!

About the whole Debbie do anything thing?

Absolutely.

Actually the same volume.

Actually, just got engaged two weeks ago,

Actually, the minerals that are in this mud here,

Adena?

Adventure is one way to put it.

Ah, crap!

Ah.

Ah. Yeah.

All aboard.

All full. You're gonna have to wait for the next one.

All I wanted to do was take my fuckin' family

All right, boobs, pitcher! Let's go.

All right, boys. This is you.

All right, everyone.

All right, I'll tell you what.

All right, I'm gonna ask him if there's any police up ahead.

All right, let's get serious for a second.

All right, let's see, who do we got here?

All right, well, if it's just an idea,

All right.

All right.

All right. Not a best case scenario.

All right. Perfect. Thank you.

All right. We can handle this.

All right. Well, good for him.

All right. Well, that's fair. What do you wanna know?

All that's left is the muffin.

All you gotta do is follow my instructions out there.

All your pictures were so great.

An accountant friend of mine.

And a four stroke Briggs & Stratton engine.

And a wife who's miserable.

And cryin' about the state of this country.

And desecrate this holy place every night.

And everything.

And fly off to the Pyramids of Zambezi

And he plays guitar? Dream boy!

And he was racist.

And I am gonna click like on every single one of them.

And I am so sorry that I lost my ring,

And I didn't appreciate that.

And I ran it.

And I take my family on the Velociraptor.

And I turn them down.

And I want to go on exotic trips and...

And I'm sure that there will be lots of other differences.

And if I could, I'd spend every single day with you.

And in my book... That makes him a hero.

And it's gonna sound crazy, but hear me out, okay?

And just really, like, free with my body,

And ride the fucking velociraptor!

And she wouldn't have done any of those things.

And somebody stole all of our stuff while we were distracted.

And that ain't right, okay? Bitches?

And that is a week in Paris.

And that's all I want for my family.

And that's just not who I am anymore.

And that's when the muffin made the car explode.

And the lost gardens of wherever the fuck!

And then you have to get through the course as fast as you can.

And then, when we get back, I can maybe get a part time job?

And then... um...

And this bad boy is going to be

And this is amazing.

And wanted us to be close.

And we got a 50 50 chance of coming back alive.

And we'd talk about all those, like,

And what about my guitar?

And why are we naked and covered in feces?

And why is it a rabbit?!

And you and I would sit there

And you deserve to be treated like one.

And you did this? 'Cause you hardly drink.

And you don't have a great time, baby,

And you have never stopped trying.

And you were in that plastic bag.

And you'll stay with them.

And, Dad, no offense,

And, guess what, the river's running way high,

And, uh, have yourselves a good night.

And... and I I m must've just dropped it somewhere.

And... plug in.

Any other questions?

Anyway, I'm Chad. I'm gonna be your guide.

Anyway, you guys look disgusting.

Are getting a little hot right now.

Are lighting that same yankee candle...

Are really stretched out in the crotch, though.

Are there helmets?

Are those mushrooms?!

Are we gonna do this?

Are we gonna drive all that way in your little car, Dad?

Are we gonna... I don't want it in my mouth.

Are you a rapist? Kevin, no!

Are you crazy?!

Are you sure that you'll be okay?

Are you, like, stalking me or something?

As far as I'm concerned,

At Chicago's midway very shortly.

At least the kids never woke up.

At least you know

Aw. Not again.

Aww. Honey.

Babe, baby, I I think Rusty's right.

Back when you were just getting your pilot's license

Barely.

Batman forever?

Because at Econo air, we're working hard

Because I don't wanna be away

Because I've always had a thing for...

Because of Stone.

Because of who?

Because our luggage and all of our stuff

Been doin' it for years.

Been doing this about three and a half years.

Before we got here, you took off your wedding ring?

Before we hit the water.

Before we run out.

Before you black out.

Bet she didn't even come up with the Chug run.

Boy, y'all stink.

Boys, when your father makes you a promise,

Breaker 1 9 to rubber ducky.

Breaker 1 9,

Bring it, bitch.

But at least I did something. Yeah, it sounds like you did a lot.

But I can tell you right... Where's your wedding ring?

But I couldn't help noticing

But I married you, Rusty.

But I think I'll be okay.

But I think that's part of it.

But I was... You were what?

But I would never, ever, ever take it off on purpose.

But if anyone tries to shove you in their car,

But it didn't really matter

But it was given to him by Jimmy Hendricks.

But it wasn't. Right?

But it'd be a lot more embarrassing

But j just like that?!

But that doesn't mean I don't admire you.

But that's a very special guitar.

But there's nobody there.

But Tyler here has been beggin' us

But we have sex every week with our bodies.

But why would you?

But you can get back home, you can get back down

But you can't give up, Russ.

But you know what?

But you know who thinks outside the box?

But you know, I I I reckon

But, hey. He left your book.

But, y you have to admit I I feel like we've gotten...

But... Oh!

By locking us in a car for a week.

By the guy with the rat on his shoulder.

Bye.

Ca...

Can I give you a rim job?

Can I hear it in a sentence?

Can I slam it on James' balls?

Can you please just admit that this was a mistake?

Can you please stay the fuck away from us?!

Cannibalism? Yeah.

Check the best route.

Chicago?

Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug

Come on, guys, everybody sing it with me.

Come on, guys.

Come on, guys.

Come on, honey, every boy that age

Come on, honey.

Come on, let's go!

Come on, man. What are you doing?

Come on, muffin.

Come on, sugar Ray. Ohh! Ohh! Ohh!

Come on, that was so long ago.

Come on.

Come on. I was just foolin' around.

Come on. It'll be fine. I just activated it.

Come on. Let's have some fun.

Come on. Race you to the ride.

Come on. That's not important.

Come on. We're sparring. We do this all the time.

Copy that, good buddy. Over.

Could I, uh, take the Nissan?

Cup holder?

Cute boy like that? Somebody's gonna snatch you up.

D Did you just steal my son's nickname?

D I L L O N.

D... I don't have a vagina!

D... what are you doing? Aah! Aah! Aah!

Dad got scammed by a guy at a park.

Dad hit a cow, okay? Let's just moo ve on.

Dad to the rescue!

Dad, are we stuck?

Dad, I don't think any of us really care about Walley World.

Dad, isn't that...

Dad, why would you do that?

Dad?

Dang it.

Deb?

Debbie do anything?

Debbie.

Decided to wake up from his siesta.

Did you really burn down the taco bell?

Did you say Tartan, honey? Yeah.

Did you see how I scratched that girl's arm?

Didn't like my man kissin' on me.

Didn't like that. Didn't like my children.

Dingus.

Do not say that we can handle this, Russ.

Do not stay here!

Do you like school this year?

Do you remember,

Do you think I can be a pilot when I grow up?

Do you want me to put a finger in?

Doesn't leave you with a lot of options.

Doesn't look like much,

Doesn't matter.

Doesn't mean he's not good looking.

Don't do that! I could have died.

Don't say weird shit! Ow!

Don't you kill him! Dad!

Don't you think that's gonna be kind of a letdown?

Don't you... don't you think we should get back on the road?

Drinkin' bourbon together

Even if you were completely blank down there.

Even the strongest faucet sometimes lets out a few drops.

Every time we take a bath.

Everybody okay? Oh, shit!

Everybody sing it with me.

Everyone down on the ground! Get down!

Excuse me, sir.

Excuse us.

Fifth time today on this one.

Fine!

Fine. I'm sorry.

First car, all right!

First off... Do any of you know this river?

Focus on the balls.

Fond of when little boys' mouths get goin' in any way.

For goin' to bat for me last week.

For months before she slept with me.

For one thing, the original vacation had a boy and a girl.

For Stone Crandall's accuweather report.

For the boys to learn to get along a little better.

For the kids to see where you went to college.

For their family like you have?

For trying to bring my family closer together, right?

Forget this whole, stupid trip.

From the moment we left for this trip,

Fuck me!

Fuck me.

Fuck the yankee candle. I wanna do this now.

Fun?

G Man, G Man, G Man, G Man, G Man. Uh oh. Uh oh.

G Man, get over here.

G Man! Get outta here.

Gary and I spent

Geez!

Gender fluidity, right?

Get down on the ground!

Get in line.

Get in there. Blblblblbl!

Get in there. Get in there. Get in there.

Get in there. What? Oh, I didn't...

Go on over there!

Go play.

Go to sleep! Go to sleep!

Go, Dad! Dad! Dad! Go! Go!

Go, go, go, go, go!

Go! Get up! Get up! Get up! Let's go!

Go! Go! Go!

Go! Go! Go! Go!

God damn it! Oh, my God!

God, I'm tellin' you, Russ,

God.

God. You told Mom and Dad?

Goddamn it.

Goddamn it. Kevin!

Gold coins come out of your butt.

Good night, Grandma and Grandpa.

Good to see ya.

Good, 'cause I'm gonna beat the shit out of your ass.

Got it.

Gotcha. Big brothers suck.

Governor Perry said

Grab the wheel! Grab the wheel!

Great. Thank you, Audrey.

Gross.

Guys, I have exciting news.

Guys! Come here! Bring over the book!

Guys? No?

Ha.

Had already been stolen

Handbrake turn. What?

Hands up!

Hang on!

Harry, you mind takin' over while I hit the Lav?

Harry! You took us up to 60,000 feet!

Has a stack of diaries.

He doesn't save anybody's life.

He had a rat on his shoulder,

He just came from the cockpit.

He keeps it.

He replied! I know!

He saved 2,000 lives.

He seems nice.

He still didn't answer me.

He took my guitar.

He totally just came in here

He was trying to be my Wingman.

He's a really shitty Wingman.

He's a really shitty Wingman.

He's always picking on me. I know he is.

He's come back to kill us.

He's even named them.

He's not exactly a celebrity.

He's savin' lives by not crashin'.

He's workin' me over.

Help!

Help!

Help!

Help.

Here it is.

Here ya go, boy.

Here ya go. That'll do for now.

Here. Oh, that's it.

Hey, boo.

Hey, come on, let's go inside.

Hey, come on.

Hey, Dad, what's a pedophile?

Hey, Dad, what's so special about Walley World?

Hey, Dad.

Hey, everyone thought that F 4 twister

Hey, gang. Uh, maybe for lunch, we could find a burger place.

Hey, guys. You mind if we join you?

Hey, honey. What's all that?

Hey, James, don't get your gender fluid on me.

Hey, Kevin. Get off your brother, please.

Hey, madam. How much capellini are you throwing away?

Hey, mornin'!

Hey, ooh, look at you guys.

Hey, Russ, can we talk?

Hey, there's no reason for that language.

Hey, watch it, man!

Hey, we can do this

Hey, we were wondering.

Hey, what happened with that perv

Hey, what happened with that perv

Hey, what's your pet rat's name?

Hey, you know, you never told us

Hey!

Hey! Language! Well, it is!

Hey! Oh, my goodness. Hi!

Hey. Excuse me.

Hey. Hey.

Hey. Hi.

Hey. We call that turbulence, all right?

Hi, Dad.

Hi, folks!

Hi, y'all!

Hi!

Hi!

Hi.

Hi.

Hi. Would you like to donate to assburgers?

Hmm?

Hmm?

Hmm?

Hmm? No.

Hmm? No. Much better.

Hmm.

Hmm. All right, guys, it's gettin' late.

Hmm. Is that R I M?

Hold on.

Holy moly.

Home, I guess.

Honestly, even if you go there

Honestly, honey, it really... I promise.

Honey, are you sure about this?

Honey, GPS check?

Honey, I'm not doing that.

Honey, it doesn't matter.

Honey, it's perfect.

Honey. Hmm?

Hope you guys like Smokin'! Right?

Hope you've enjoyed your 18 minute flight

Hot damn! It's a Go Kart.

Hot damn. Debbie Griswold.

Hot Springs up ahead. We've always wanted to do that.

How 'bout Paris?

How 'bout some tunes?

How about this, then? Huh? Huh?

How come that local guy didn't tell us

How come you didn't follow me just then?

How come you didn't like any of 'em.

How come you gotta do this at 6 A.M.?

How did you get free tickets to Paris?

How do you like your lips getting tickled?

How many guys did you sleep with before me? Oh, no no no no no.

How many men would sacrifice their careers

How much you think they paid for this house?

How often do we get to soak in hot water?

How was your trip?

How would we even call them?

How's Audrey?

How's he gonna think that I'm single

How's that for Gettin' free with our bodies,

Huh?

Huh? All right.

Huh? Oh, God.

I am gonna go upstairs online,

I bet he'd know.

I can always use an extra set of hands.

I can control the entire car from the fob.

I can feel my body detoxifying.

I can't tell ya how many nights we spent

I can't tell you how much it's meant to me

I cannot believe that they are still doing this.

I cannot believe what I'm hearing.

I did come up with the Chug run, all right?

I didn't mean it like that.

I didn't mind it one bit.

I didn't need a Wingman.

I do! I do!

I do.

I don't know about this, Russ.

I don't know him.

I don't know how I could ever thank you.

I don't know how! I'll hit the muffin again!

I don't know where you're going with this,

I don't know why you want to go back to Walley World

I don't know, Dad.

I don't know, Kevin. Just go back inside the thing.

I don't know! I don't know!

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know. I'm sorry.

I don't know. It was your plan.

I don't remember.

I don't see why not.

I don't wanna be a part of this.

I don't wanna die!

I don't... I don't know what that is.

I don't... Not to imply that you are...

I feel like your cousin Eddie's family.

I freaked out. I'm sorry.

I get offers from international carriers all the time,

I give up!

I guess I just didn't get around

I guess I'm the asshole

I had a feelin' that that low pressure system

I had a feeling she was all hype.

I have an idea. What?

I have everything I've ever wanted.

I have to piss. Me, too.

I heard that you fucked Anthony Hopkins.

I heard that you stuck a finger in the Dean's dick.

I heard that, if people bop you on your head,

I hit the Fuckin' jackpot with you.

I I can't. I can't... I can't get it off.

I I I I feel like a loser.

I I I promise you, the second you guys leave,

I I I'm gonna go take a shower.

I I love you! You love me!

I I'm getting a call from my fiancée here.

I I'm not suggesting

I I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I just think maybe I did.

I just wanted to see how long you could hold your breath

I just wish Audrey had found a more solid marriage

I just...

I knew we had some problems.

I know I didn't.

I know it's not the most glamorous airline,

I know you don't have a vagina. I'm not doing that.

I know, right?

I know.

I know. I know.

I know. I know.

I know. I like that one so much.

I know. It is.

I know. It's so hot, right?

I know. Right? Bonjour.

I like that. Yeah.

I liked workin', baby.

I love him.

I love this song!

I love you more than anything in the world.

I love... get over here. Get over here, man.

I may have something for you.

I mean, he's a local weatherman. That's all.

I mean, I've put you through some serious shit.

I mean, isn't it time that we just cut our losses?

I mean, nobody else is going this way.

I mean, they always say it's not the destination,

I mean, we almost died back there.

I mean, we have plenty of theme parks at home.

I mean, you're the one who said we should mix it up.

I never took the uniform off except when I did.

I pull the wheel to the left, yank the handbrake,

I really liked hearing you play.

I think I know my wife pretty well,

I think it is so weird.

I think so.

I think we should, uh, steer clear of that.

I think you coil it.

I think you just coil it like that.

I thought maybe we could kiss or something?

I thought you said he was your big brother.

I understand. I understand.

I used my connections as a pilot.

I wanna have all your babies.

I wanna know all about you.

I wanna thank you for goin' to bat for me last week.

I wanna thank you for goin' to bat for me last week.

I wanted to change the routine,

I was a Tri Pi a long time ago, so...

I was completely immature and acting out

I was crazy to think I could make us closer

I was gonna fly for one of the big guys.

I was happy to do it.

I was in my fucking room.

I was wondering if you still wanted it.

I was wondering when you were gonna give that back to me.

I was, like, crazy back then.

I will. All right. Attaboy.

I would've shot you right off that fuckin' horse.

I, uh I didn't mean to scare you.

I... damn it!

I... oh. Oh, my God!

I... um... A good person.

I'd be excited. Well, what is it? What is it?

I'd like to explore the real America,

I'll catch the next one.

I'll get you a new guitar. Okay?

I'll just...

I'll rip you in half.

I'll take that all in, dude!

I'm a man, aren't I?

I'm Adena.

I'm an idiot!

I'm an idiot. Do it again.

I'm coming back alive! I don't wanna die!

I'm fine.

I'm gonna ask this gentleman.

I'm gonna get you all geared up.

I'm gonna lock the shit out of that door.

I'm gonna pound the shit out of you.

I'm here to answer any questions

I'm judging me.

I'm just a stranger, passin' through town.

I'm just messing!

I'm just saying that even if you did,

I'm kidding, guys.

I'm kidding. Relax.

I'm not afraid of you!

I'm not gender fluid.

I'm not gonna do the swastika.

I'm not gonna stand here like a little bitch.

I'm pretty sure Debbie do anything would do it.

I'm really happy for your sister.

I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry, guys.

I'm sorry, man.

I'm sure we will find a place to fill up around here

I'm sure you'll find a better husband and father.

I'm the one who's cooperating!

I'mma tap you right on the forehead.

I've got my sights set

I've never even heard of the original vacation.

I've only been thinking about myself, you know?

If anything, you're more qualified than us younger guys.

If I'm here with my husband and my two children?

If it just... No, it doesn't. It's... Yeah.

If Vin Diesel can do it, so can I.

If we have to.

If y'all are here to have sex on the corners, we're next.

If you found yourself Tummy to Tummy

If you guys need anything, Mom and I are right next door.

If you guys wanna borrow some of those.

If you guys wanna stop, that'd be good, too.

If you just follow that all the way up,

In Cheboygan, Michigan. Wow.

In fact, the Chug run was my idea.

In four states at the same time.

In what?

In your bathing suits. Now!

Is a crime in the state of Utah?

Is as bad as a shoemaker without a toilet seat.

Is it okay if I take a soak?

Is it supposed to stay upside down like this?

Is it this bad?

Is it true that you climbed the clock tower naked?

Is my pet what?

Is our marriage dying?

Is sittin' right next to you.

Is that my ring?

Is that our car alarm?

Is that these Fuckin' bitches are disrespecting me,

Is there another entrance to the hot Springs?

Is this a man or a woman singing?

Is this Charlton Heston?

Is this your first time on a plane?

Is to move back and forth along the edge of the herd.

Isn't this the best?

It couldn't be as bad as that stupid cabin, right, honey?

It doesn't make it true.

It doesn't matter if you are.

It got stolen.

It has six ashtrays.

It just...

It just... Huh.

It like when you touch it, okay?

It looks like somebody blew their head off in there.

It makes me sick how you deviants show up

It makes no difference to me.

It might be nice

It really is dope as fuck.

It sure is.

It was given to me by Bob Dillon.

It was not my pl... Okay.

It was on my way.

It was right at the end of this road, so...

It was?

It wouldn't be okay for Kevin to tease you about your vagina.

It... It's ruined.

It's a ball of pubic hair.

It's a teachable Moment, hon.

It's all right.

It's around... It's around 30.

It's Debbie fucking Fletcher.

It's exactly what we needed.

It's for assburgers.

It's gone. It's gone.

It's got a Zanardi chassis

It's just an idea. That's all I'm saying.

It's more complicated than an Airbus A318.

It's nice.

It's no big deal.

It's not a fluid!

It's okay.

It's okay. Right?

It's on your guitar.

It's only the newest, scariest roller coaster

It's really not that bad.

It's so cute. But you didn't like it.

It's Stone's new passion, raising cattle.

It's the journey, right?

It's the third time this month. I know.

It's the worst bed and breakfast we've ever been to!

It's true. They did. They literally cried together.

It's very fragile. Look.

It's very hard for them.

It's what brothers do.

It's... It's just a boring, old house.

James has aids?!

James.

Just 'cause they're a little different from us.

Just be careful not to drop the soap.

Just forget it.

Just leave it alone. Let it calm down.

Just messin' with ya. Shoot!

Just please turn it off, Russ.

Just smush your cheeks.

Just stop doing this.

Just thought we could all sing seal together

Just to get those three.

Just... yeah.

Kevin, apologize to your brother, please.

Kevin, come on.

Kevin, James, get over here!

Kevin, no!

Kevin! Bullying! Guys, come on.

Kevin! Get down here, please.

Kevin.

Key word there is seem.

Kids who don't wanna be with me,

Kids, remember what happened?

Kinda takin' you a little while.

Know the river inside and out, okay?

Ladies.

Last one to the corral's a rotten cowpoke!

Last ride tonight. Park's closin'.

Let me give you a hand.

Let me have a look.

Let me see... maybe if I press this rabbit button,

Let's do this.

Let's go check out your house.

Let's go over a couple safety procedures

Let's just see how far it is.

Let's not do that, okay?

Let's say Hi.

Like a drive through burger place.

Like you and Rusty.

Like, a secret entrance the locals use?

Like, less free with our bodies.

Line can get pretty long this time of year, huh?

Listen, boys.

Listen.

Literally, a pool of shit in Arkansas.

Little bit of rough air.

Little fucker.

Little Romeo and Juliet situation?

Little somethin'.

Lock the door.

Look at her left foot. Smack dab in Arizona.

Look at that. The boys are bonding already.

Look what Kevin did to my guitar.

Look what your Dad rented.

Look who made it!

Look, James. Found a dart.

Look! Look!

Looks like we found our own private hot spring.

Looks like we got ourselves a little old convoy.

Looks like ya did. She left.

Looks that way, pal.

Love you, too. I said I love you.

Man, it sure is beautiful here this time of year, ain't it?

Man, our family fucked that family up.

Man, this place makes our house look like shit.

Man.

Marrying such a conservative.

Maybe it's one of the buttons on the fob.

Maybe one of them could study there one day.

Maybe that's what we need. To be dumbasses together.

Maybe the housekeeping left a...

Me. Your father.

Means a lot to me.

Mm hmm.

Mm hmm.

Mm hmm.

Mm hmm.

Mm hmm. I wanna thank you

Mm, no. Never have.

Mm, well, Kevin,

Mm.