Reality Bites (1994) Edit

A beautiful and touching story of the triumph of the human spirit.

A celebration zoom.

A couple of smokes, a cup of coffee

A flannel for my face

A harbor in the tempest

A juggling act. You mean, like, metaphorically?

A non practicing Jew.

A Quarter Pounder with Cheese.

A random lottery of meaningless tragedy in a series of near escapes.

A river in a time of dryness

About you

After you've been in the real world, you're gonna appreciate that car.

Ah. Why?

Ah. Why?

Alderman Davis judges a... Oh, my God.

All I want is you ou

All I want is you ou

All I want is you ou

All right, Lelaina.

All right? But it's gonna be okay.

All right. Excuse me. Come on.

All you got to do is show some ingenuity, hmm?

Always the mistress of etiquette, you know, Laney?

Am I here to amuse you, Ms. Pierce? Is that the reason I'm on this show?

And a brief justification for the ontological necessity

And a little bit of conversation.

And do everything different.

And don't go thinkin' for yourself either, Laney.

And happy and all of that.

And has real, you know, quality

And he gives me this big, pink sea shell,

And he says to me, Son, the answers are all inside of this.

And he was, like, my touchstone, you know?

And here we have the newsstand,

And I am totally alone.

And I am totally alone.

And I know I'm being selfish.

And I sit back, and I...

And I thought I'd live forever But now I'm not so sure

And I thought what I felt was simple

And I... I would like to buy them all a Coke.

And I'm all, like, What? But then I realize that the shell's empty.

And I'm sittin' here on Capitol Hill

And I'm sorry for being such a bitch,

And if the magic of the adventure overcomes

And if the magic of the adventure overcomes

And is good, like you and your work,

And listen to some strange ethical argument about a damn car.

And my gut is telling me that, uh,

And now Miss Big Power Monger goes, I'm manager of The Gap.

And now that I am leaving

And since Helen Anne's got herself a brand new Infiniti,

And straighten him out,

And the best thing I can say about that is, uh...

And the guy, the court jester, dies all by himself.

And the stuff with you, that's really great stuff.

And then I die.

And there Bryant Gumbel will be, and he'll say,

And there's five pairs of his boxers I've just washed unknowingly.

And they're like brother and sister at this point.

And they've been together like, um, 26 years,

And to those people, I say nobody...

And we all love her. I love her.

And we'll also be visiting with a man right here from Houston

And what I wanted to tell you... was that I love you.

And when he found out that he had cancer, he decided to bring me here,

And where you're meant to be

And whether you know it or not, you're on the inside track to Loserville, USA,

And you always fall for these dumb groupie types.

And you say

And you wonder why we never got involved.

And, uh, I just wanted to make sure that that was clear,

And...

Are employee snacks subsidized?

As if we did not see them disembowel their revolution

As you can see, I have, uh,

At 8:24 in the morning?

At the beep, please leave your name, number,

At the end of the half hour, like on The Brady Bunch, or something.

At the intersection of Florence and Normandie, the flash point of fashion.

At the moment, I'm working...

Baby, tell me that my love ain't good

Back in Clever Cleverland.

Be on the safe side. You know.

Because I believe if we can get two women on the Supreme Court,

Because I'm getting a very strong N vibration.

Because I'm not retarded, Mom.

Because it could be fun

Because the world doesn't owe you any favors.

Been after my ass for years.

Before I was born Oh, I was all gone

Beg or steal or borrow

Believe me I'd know what to do

Believe, some things that I wouldn't miss

Besides, everyone dies all by himself.

Boy, okay. When I made this thing, I kind of made this promise to myself

Burn, baby, burn

Burn, baby, burn

Burn, baby, burn burn that mother down, y'all, burn, baby, burn

Burn, baby, burn Disco inferno

But all the promises we make

But all the promises we make

But because I can't really start my life

But don't

But guess what? I'm a human being. We're human beings, people.

But I can get you an interview at my dad's plant.

But I have to tell you you're not alone.

But I know that I can't, so...

But I look at your pants and I need a kiss

But I think I'm gonna change...

But I'm in the real world and I have ideals also.

But it just meant something to me.

But it's a pretty good opportunity.

But it's just music, Roy.

But it's really about people who are trying to find their own identity

But the question remains,

But times are hard.

But you gotta find him, and you've gotta tell him how you really feel.

But you gotta grow up sometime.

But you shouldn't have any trouble findin' another job, sugar booger.

Can I change my answer?

Can you see us one day

Charlane, she can make up her own mind.

Close enough to look in my eyes, Sharona

Come a little closer, hon I'll be your hunk

Come on, come on. No laggin'.

Come on, man, let 'em go.

Come on. It's for my documentary.

Come on. This is just... You know I didn't mean it.

Come on. You can stay with me for one cigarette.

Comin' at you from the back, from the sides, people at the condiment exchange,

Conjunction junction How's that function?

Conjunction junction What's your function?

Could you excuse me? Could I talk to you?

Could you please take your face out of the camera?

Crazy sucker outside begins a slow leak

Dad, don't talk to her that way. She's not a child.

Darlin', I love you and I hate to break your plate,

Diamonds and a ring of gold

Did he dazzle you with his extensive knowledge of mineral water?

Didn't you get my espress yourself memo?

Do ya hear that? Negative! Here, let me see that.

Do you ever wish you were a lesbian?

Do you have a lawyer?

Do you have a problem with me or something?

Do you know what I mean? Like, just for one moment, everything is great?

Do you know?

Don't dick around with her. Or with me.

Don't do anything. That's not nice.

Don't just dick around the same coffeehouse for five years.

Don't look at me like that. That's not what I'm saying.

Don't pay attention to the distance that you're running

Don't you dare bring Troy into this.

Don't you think it would be so much easier?

Door was... So I just, uh...

Drink up, man.

Dude, I'm in trouble.

End up, 'cause I didn't wanna

Every day I wanna be with you night and day

Every time I sneeze, it's like I'm four sneezes away from the hospice.

Evian is naive spelled backwards.

Exclusively for our Video View collection.

Excuse me, if somebody doesn't know the secret handshake.

Excuse me.

Excusez moi.

Expensive, snazzy, Italian suits.

Eyes on a moon of blindness

Feeling okay this morning

Find myself on a page of history

Find out what makes them the best, and bring that...

Fine.

For a pair of running shoes.

For the touch of the younger kind

Frank's party. Sammy Joe?

French cut, V necked, ribbed, what have you.

From the cradle to the grave

Get a Ford.

Give me a call when you get this. I need you to explain something.

God! Oh, well, congratulations, Troy Dyer.

God. If something's bothering you,

Gonna be all right

Good mag, good mag.

Good morning!

Good morning!

Good morning! Boy, I tell ya,

Good morning.

Good save, Lelaina.

Good times Anytime you need a friend

Good times Anytime you need it, baby

Good, good, good.

Got a pothead mama Got a cokehead dad

Great.

Green colored paper that floats in and out of his life like snow.

Gun it comin' off of the line, Sharona

Gun it, comin' it off of the line, Sharona

Guys, I just thought of something.

Hairline's gone so he keeps his nine to five grubby, grubby...

Having to look at that girl's pointy face all day would make me ill.

He makes videos. We show them, okay? It's symbiotic.

He needs a place to stay until he can find a new job.

He remarried six months after the divorce.

He said you caught me 'cause you want me and one day you'll let me go

He travels around, surprises people jogging.

He was an illustrious office cleaner.

He's not a yuppie.

He's so cheesy I can't watch him without crackers.

He's the reason why CliffsNotes were invented.

He's weird, he's strange, he's sloppy, he's a total nightmare for women.

He's, like, the little... That guy?

Heh!

Hello?

Hello? What?

Hello. You've reached the winter of our discontent.

Her documentary.

Here comes the plane! It's coming up the hangar. Open up the hangar!

Here's the deal.

Hesitate

Hey, don't. Hey, watch the camera.

Hey, my little unemployed waif, you're the one who's lookin' for work now, okay?

Hey, Sammy, what's your goal?

Hey, Troy, man, you're on.

Hey, Troy.

Hey, Troy. You got a phone call.

Hey.

Hey. Hey.

Hi, I'm Cheryl Goode, and welcome to Wedgie, The World of Hip Couture.

Hi, Mike. Thanks for comin' down. No hard feelings.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi. Don't say anything. I screwed up, I know.

Hi. Um, I just need to know if he's okay.

Ho ho. Mmm.

Ho, please. Look at this sweater.

Hold on, Denell. Mmm. Hold on.

Hold one moment, please.

Honey, all you have to be by the age of 23 is yourself.

Honey, honey. Let me do it for you. No, no.

Honey, honey. Let me do it for you. No, no.

Honey, I didn't have kids until I was on my third husband.

Honey, that's not all I'm getting.

Hookin' up words and phrases and clauses

How about the one where Gary Coleman comes on.

How about when he sneaks his laundry in with ours?

How can we repair all the damage we inherited?

How can we repair all the damage we inherited?

How can you ingest 44 ounces of anything?

How can you ingest 44 ounces of anything?

How do you know...

How'd the big premiere turn out?

Hurry up, hurry up. Oh! It's me! Willona dates a deaf guy.

I ain't left, I ain't right People say I'm wrong

I always forget them, but I know I've had them.

I am a homosexual.

I am calmly reading.

I am not under any orders to make the world a better place.

I am picking up some very strange vibes in here.

I am really in love with you.

I been locked out

I blame my parents, though. I think I was conceived on an acid trip.

I bought a toothbrush Some toothpaste

I came out to her.

I can always hear the song

I can find an intern who'll do your job for free, like that.

I can't believe I haven't slept with him yet.

I can't believe you don't remember Frampton Comes Alive.

I can't even take care of a Chia Pet.

I can't not be friends with you, okay?

I care about you and I want to make you happy...

I could spend some time forever with a girl like you

I don't even think you realize what you've done.

I don't feel good But I don't feel bad

I don't have time for your games. We're laying people off around here.

I don't know if now's the right time for us.

I don't know who that is anymore.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know. He had high hopes or some...

I don't know. I have no idea.

I don't treat you right

I don't want any part of that. I want first kisses.

I don't want that. That's not what I'm talkin' about. I'm talkin' about a...

I don't want to get married, 'cause I see how my parents are,

I don't want to get married, because I see how my parents are.

I don't... I don't wanna lose you.

I forgot to tell you something.

I got my lawyer telling me something about my rates...

I got three favorite cars

I got three favorite cars

I guess it was a little slow and they cut it up a little...

I guess, um... I guess I'm, uh,

I hate it. I just thought that they would freak out over your tapes,

I hate to see that happen to the rookie. Um...

I have this planet of regret

I have to go.

I have to tell you some... thing.

I have to work, and unfortunately, Troy,

I hear you call I will run

I hear you call I will run

I just came back from New York with the tapes that she made.

I just do not understand why this moment has to be Memorexed.

I just don't

I just feel like maybe I deserve another shot here.

I just got a $900 bill on my gas card.

I just... Look.

I knew this was gonna happen!

I know how much you'd love to mainline misery here,

I know I've had a couple of those.

I know it sounds stupid, but it really meant something to me.

I know it wasn't gonna end world hunger or save the planet,

I know that scares the shit out of you, because I'm the only real thing you have.

I know this isn't PBS, but is this okay?

I know we can be happy together.

I know why the caged bird sings and everything.

I know you can stay with me for one cigarette.

I know you're afraid,

I know, I know. But this time's different.

I let you move in here when you had no job, no money,

I love her.

I make more of a mess than Ruby does.

I mean, can you define irony?

I mean, I like my car.

I mean, I mean, you amaze me!

I mean, I mean... I'm... I mean...

I mean, I think I'd be working even if I wasn't getting paid.

I mean, I... I wanna...

I mean, there are people I know from high school,

I mean... I mean, uh, seriously, you're...

I meant everything that I said to you last night. Don't look at me like that.

I missed you

I need a part timer. You need a job.

I only hear what I want to

I only hear what I want to I don't listen hard

I panicked. It happens. I thought we could, uh, work it out, you know?

I put on your note card to get your own expresso.

I really miss you, too. I love you. I... Oh, whoa!

I said to my reflection

I see a gentleman right over there! Good morning!

I should have stayed in college and gotten a degree in astronomy.

I should've protected you and your work and I didn't. I'm so sorry that I didn't.

I smoke my Camel straights.

I talk so all the time

I teach everybody it's okay to be near me, it's okay to talk to me.

I think I know what she needs in a way that you never will.

I think maybe I'm gonna wait...

I think that your documentary would be perfect for In Your Face.

I think you still really love Monte.

I thought that I would come here and tell you somethin'.

I thought the ad said that this was a job for a production assistant.

I wanna be in there, too. I wanna feel miserable

I wanna be let back in the house.

I wanna make this up to you.

I want passion the whole way through.

I want to do that again. I want to just...

I was gonna look for you.

I was quoting Cool Hand Luke.

I was really gonna be something by the age of 23.

I was Valedictorian of my university.

I was wondering if I could talk to you a minute before you go.

I went out of my way to set up an interview for him and he didn't even show up.

I will not have Ms. Pierce on staff.

I will walk out of here when that happens. You watch.

I win the big commitment cook off and you just run away?

I wish I could be perfect, okay? I wish I could be like Troy,

I wish you could be man enough to talk to me about it.

I would like to have been there to watch how you rationalized

I... I'll make them take the pizza thing out, okay?

I... You know what it is, though? It's that I...

I'd like a career or something.

I'd like to somehow make a difference in people's lives.

I'd rather check into a shelter.

I'd really consider using a microwave.

I'll find something else, you know?

I'll just throw it back in his face. I'm gonna do his laundry. Yeah!

I'll just...

I'll probably be working at the Whole Foods,

I'll tell you the problem with your generation. You don't have any work ethic.

I'm a human being with deep feelings

I'm Buddha on the mountaintop.

I'm bursting with fruit flavor.

I'm concerned with self esteem.

I'm gonna call you back. Wait. What?

I'm gonna take Sam against his will

I'm in an accident. I got in an accident.

I'm just a bill

I'm late for a jean folding seminar. Let's locomote.

I'm manager of The Gap. I'm responsible for all those T shirts:

I'm not a Valedictorian, but I play one on TV.

I'm not gonna work at The Gap, for Christ's sake. Okay?

I'm not saying I... Look.

I'm not supposed to know that, am I?

I'm not under any orders to make the world a better place.

I'm nothin'

I'm only hearin' negative No, no, no, no

I'm really not that smart.

I'm sorry I can't be Mister, uh, Hey, look at me,

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. But I have a work ethic, Dad.

I'm sorry. I just... I gotta...

I'm Superman. I can fly.

I'm the ultramodern version The American man

I'm thinkin' about you every second. Hello?

I'm, uh, making this documentary about my friends,

I'm, uh... I'm, uh,

I'm... You know, I make $400 a week.

I've never been a good example before, and, um,

I've never been good with responsibility, so, uh...

I've never been in an experience like this before.

I've seen you. You're out the door before the condom comes off.

If I could bottle the sexual tension between Bonnie Franklin and Schneider,

If I don't know where to go, I'll get there.

If I don't know where to go, I'll get there.

If I don't know...

If I weren't such a gentleman.

If one more guy walks out on me, I don't even know what. I swear.

If we should fall

If we should fall, love will catch us every time

If you ain't the most hardheaded woman I have ever seen.

If you really believe that,

In the lights, and you'll be all beautiful and shit.

In the privacy of your own home.

In the production of videotapes, all right?

In what is destined to be greatness.

In Your Face TV.

Irony, uh... Irony.

Is eat and couch and fondle the remote control.

Is it for drugs?

Is that what you want to hear? Is it?

Is there a Lelaina Pierce here?

Is there a support group I can join to come to terms with my own homophobia?

Is this a good morning or what?

Is travel the countryside like Woody Guthrie.

Isn't really because I'm that terrified of the big A.

It actually pulls moisture away from you. It's good.

It doesn't... That's Dr. Zaius from Planet of the Apes.

It is a good morning with this audience.

It is fair to say that maybe

It turns ya on.

It was a little loud in the club.

It was probably my fault anyway, and I'll get in trouble, and I don't...

It's a noun. It's, uh, when something is ironic.

It's a special report on children's birthday party themes.

It's better than havin' to kiss your husband's ass all the time.

It's cool, Troy. You can stay.

It's got four wheels. It runs well.

It's just a thought.

It's just, I worked so hard.

It's like I'm pullin' that stuff out of the dryer

It's like trying to feed them meat loaf and they don't want to eat it.

It's me and Vickie, but he, uh, got fired from his job,

It's not easy. I'm sure I make it look easy.

It's not even happening to me. It's like I'm watching it on Melrose Place.

It's not like I had a hysterectomy. You know, I got fired.

It's not like Mr. Roper's gonna burst in. I'll just stay on the couch.

It's nothing you actually have to, I don't know, work for, is it, Troy?

It's such a shame. I am so through with men.

It's the only thing I really learned in college.

It's when the actual meaning is the complete opposite from the literal meaning.

It's your show. And I just...

Jesus!

Jesus.

Just afloat on the sea

Just don't touch anything else, and I think we'll be fine.

Just get rid of her like I asked you in the first place.

Just give me my questions.

Just hang on. I'm gonna get you some money. I'm gonna be down there in a few days.

Just let it go, Dyer. Surrender the fantasy.

Just like him.

Just so we can afford to buy their BMWs,

Just think of all those starving children in Africa that don't even have cars.

Just wanted to see if you were okay.

Keepin' it a mystery You get to me

Laney here is gonna revolutionize

Laney,

Laney, have you seen a pack of guitar strings?

Laney, what are you doing? You lay on that couch all day.

Lelaina Pierce.

Lelaina, after your first film, Why Barbie is Bad,

Lelaina, I'm sensing you're in some trouble.

Lelaina, look, I'm sorry, all right? I didn't know.

Lelaina, this is your dad.

Lelaina, Vickie was just promoted to manager of The Gap.

Lelaina, we need to talk to you.

Lelaina, you're looking a little peaked.

Lelaina!

Lelaina! Hi.

Lelaina! If we promise to pay you back, will you spot us a pizza?

Lelaina. You know the punishment for premature evacuation.

Let me hear you say yeah Let's go

Let's get out of this place

Let's go Ooo Ooo Ooo Ooo

Let's go Ooo Ooo Ooo Ooo

Let's go.

Let's talk about sex, baby

Like right now, this one.

Like the, uh, establishment owes him a Snickers.

Listen to me, I'm just beating them to the punch.

Livin' in the never never Droppin' out of it together

Livin' the life of a poor musician

Look at it like a built in security system. We'll have a man around.

Look up at the stars and take the time to...

Look, Lelaina, maybe I should talk with Grant alone about this.

Look, she's got real talent, and I want to put her on staff.

Look, she's got real talent, and I want to put her on staff.

Look, this is my apartment. I signed the lease.

Look, two tickets, all right? New York.

Lookin' for tomorrow

Love can make you weep

Lover is crying 'cause the other won't stay

Lovers in love and the others run away

M M M My Sharona

Mainly due to some calls to a 1 900 number.

Man, you are in the bell jar.

Maybe you could, uh, borrow the money from Michael.

Maybe your gut's just saying you're hungry or...

Maybe... Probably dying of AIDS.

Melrose Place is a really good show.

Michael Grates, Vice President Regional Programming,

Michael, don't laugh at me.

Michael, I don't...

Michael, I'm sorry.

Michael, Michael, Michael! I really miss you!

Mmm, well. I hate to say it,

Mmm.

Mom, Dad, I'll take the BMW, until I can afford to buy a regular car, okay?

Mom, I need to talk to you about a loan.

Mom, please? Come on.

Money? Oh, but what's money to an artist?

Mr. Gubler, um, do you have time

Ms. Pierce, do you have any idea what it means to be a cashier at Wienerschnitzel?

Ms. Pierce, there's a reason I've been here six months.

My father's dying of prostate cancer, so I don't trouble him much for gifts.

My favorite part about graduating now will be

My goal is to...

My Lord, I saw on TV

My morn threatened to kill herself in front of me.

My mother actually goes to the bathroom with the door open.

My mother goes to the bathroom with the door open.

My parents got divorced when I was 14.

My parents got divorced when I was, uh,

My, my, my y y

My, my, my y y Whoo

Never gonna stop, give it up Such a dirty mind

Never gonna stop, give it up Such a dirty mind

Never to say never

New shoes and a case

Newsstand! N, newsstand. He used to work at a newsstand.

No bed of roses

No bed of roses

No bed of roses

No more dates without being called old man, but...

No offense, sweetie, but you don't have any experience on a newspaper.

No, don't. You look beautiful.

No, I don't have a lawyer. I don't have a dentist.

No, I'm fine. I had a late...

No, listen, I'm sorry. That's what this is all about.

No, no, I'm not scared of...

No, no, listen. He needs us.

No, no, you can... I was... Go ahead. You want to touch it?

No, see, I tried. I applied for every single opening in my field, but there's...

No, that's not it. I just... I, uh...

No, you amaze me!

No, you're not, really.

No, you're not, Vick. I know you can do it.

No. I mean you got people comin' at you from the front,

No. No, it's not for drugs. I was... I lost my job.

Nobody can eat 50 eggs.

Not really good with compliments.

Nothin'

Now let's take a peek inside our Video View and see what we have in store today.

Now that very strong jet stream...

Now you can call your own personal psychic anytime, 24 hours a day.

Now, I want you to go out there and show me some ingenuity.

Of modern man's existential dilemma. We'll get back to you.

Oh, brownies, brownies! Oh! Oh! I love brownies! My name's...

Oh, but now I know that I was wrong

Oh, Christ.

Oh, come on. Isn't there some statute of limitations for embarrassing incidents?

Oh, hi.

Oh, how stupid of me to try to drag you down to my level.

Oh, I thought Hey, I can leave, I can leave

Oh, I...

Oh, me, too.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. I've never been so glad to see anyone in my entire life.

Oh, nice job. Very well done.

Oh, no, that's okay. I'll just try again later. Thanks.

Oh, no. Early night. Is there any pre coffee activity?

Oh, please, no one gives a shit right now. We're starving.

Oh, shit! Oh, shit!

Oh, Troy, no, no. That'll never happen.

Oh, Troy, no, no. That'll never happen.

Oh, um, I don't know. I just bought it.

Oh, wait.

Oh, well, I have a job interview.

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! You're hired!

Oh, would you two just do it and get it over with? I'm starving.

Oh, yeah, definitely.

Oh, yeah, look who's mocking. All you do around here, Troy,

Oh, yeah? Well, that ain't real much.

Oh, yeah? Well, that ain't real much.

Oh, yeah? Why?

Oh, yes, it does, Denell.

Oh!

Oh! Right through the heart.

Oh! Yeah! I'll be right there!

Oh.

Oh.

Oh. Oh.

Oh. Well, here's the research that I did. You might want to read it,

Ohh, no, Sammy. Jesus.

Okay, bye. The owner of Domino's supports Operation Rescue.

Okay, calm down. I mean, it's no big deal. We don't have to have her.

Okay, everybody. It's a special night.

Okay, great.

Okay, I dropped out of school before we got to that, all right?

Okay, I'm gonna throw a few numbers out at you.

Okay, it's just too psychotic in here now.

Okay, it's just too psychotic in here now.

Okay, Mom? Please?

Okay, okay. Um, I guess I'm proud of that.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay. All I know is he went back to Chicago alone.

Okay. All right. Define irony.

On the roof of our old house, just staring up at the stars.

One of my friends tested positive.

One, two, three, four

Ooh, baby I love your way

Ooh, baby, I love your way

Ooh, hit me hoppin' in a lifelike limbo

Ooh, my little pretty one My pretty one

Ooh, you make my motor run My motor run

Ooh, you make my motor run My motor run

Ooo Ooo Ooo Ooo

Or some shit like that.

Or was it his in depth analysis of, uh,

Our gross has increased over 20%, uh...

Out of season

Ow w w

Pajamas, a hair brush

Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays.

Passed the church and the steeple

Patty got drunk in her closet every morning before junior high school.

Penny! Willona adopts Penny! Shit!

People at the drive thru, kids on bikes,

People don't know what it takes.

Personally, I've always had an odd preference for very, very young girls.

Pi. Yeah. And I just, like, wanted to look at the stars.

Please, don't let him get drunk and drive.

Please? You won't be sorry.

Quick, Vickie, what's your Social Security?

Radio is all instinct, Lelaina.

Really. Just forget the whole thing.

Refuse to work an 80 hour week

Relax. Have a cup of joe.

Riding on his melted cheese sandwich and everything...

Right now I need someone who understands what my music and the band mean to me.

Right, right. Well, I mean, I guess, you know...

Right?

Right. I know. It was just a stupid...

Right. You mean like sue in a courtroom for money?

Roy, why are you doing this to me?

Runnin' down the length of my thigh, Sharona...

Sammy, don't you realize? This is your one opportunity to play a small part

Sammy, what are you even doing here? You don't live here.

Screaming that I used to know you, and you'll be there

See, the thing is that, uh...

Self esteem for Parent and Child.

Seriously. Is there like... I mean, have I like, uh,

Sex is the quickest way to ruin a friendship.

She breaks my heart again and again, but, uh,

She doesn't want a BMW.

She's just had too many Diet Cokes today.

She's not bein' pushy.

She's still a little bit upset.

She's toasted.

Should I astound the girl next door with my velvet suit and Faustus hood

Sign the report cards, buy the milk,

Since I've been manager here,

Sitting on my shoulders.

Sleeping with a yuppie head cheeseball on the first date.

Smell the... Everything.

So

So have I.

So he needed a place to crash for a couple of weeks, so...

So I take pleasure in the details. You know, uh,

So I turn the radio on I turn the radio up

So that there wasn't any confusion.

So what are you doing for the rest of your morning?

So what? Do I get a medal?

So you're, like, six years late.

So, anyway, uh,

So, uh, so Troy is... You guys just... It's like you guys living there,

So, um, that kind of ended up being me.

So, Vick, why are you getting tested?

So... Oh, buttoning it up. That's even better. Okay.

Some of us hover while we weep for the other

Somebody had to remember to take out the trash,

Somehow, he can rationalize it,

Something wonderful.

Sometimes I get that not so fresh feeling.

Sometimes. But, aah, I couldn't go through with it.

Sorry, Lelaina, but you can't navigate me.

Stay

Stepped over some line in the sands of coolness with you?

Ta da! We're going to eat gas.

Take her to cemeteries and tell her of werewolf tongues and forked clarinets

Take your friend, Troy, for example.

Taped on location at eight year old Davey Robbins' party

Tempted but the truth is discovered

Tempted by the fruit of another

Ten seconds. Nine, eight, seven,

Thank you. We'll be right back with a new American cheese snack idea.

Thanks to the nationwide Psychic Discovery network,

That album, like, totally changed my life.

That are about to take place.

That guest is out. Would you like to leave a message?

That he still has to pay some rent around here.

That I wasn't gonna think about where it was gonna

That is literally, literally,

That is not my work. That's not what I did.

That just screws up my whole idea of good and evil and...

That was... That was really...

That wasn't his fault. He asked me to call and cancel. Everything was going on

That whole thing about, uh, nobody can eat all the eggs?

That will be so cool! It's only like $5 an hour,

That won't take me anyhow or anywhere with you

That's a bad... I'm sorry. They were just trying to market it.

That's a much better size. That looks great.

That's A. And B, it's disgusting.

That's me

That's quick. How did everybody react?

That's... He was just a collector's... No big...

The answer is...

The answer is... The The The The answer is...

The answer, tragically, No.

The band may be a small dream, but it's the only one I've got. I'm Audi 5000.

The Big Gulp. Because, see, now listen.

The faddest gangsta trend will increase your piece.

The free clinic AIDS test.

The gut. It's all in the gut.

The laundry on the hill

The moment where your laughter becomes a cackle.

The most profound, important invention of my lifetime.

The next time you make microwave brownies,

The nicest thing that anyone's ever said to me.

The occasional run in with an anti Hey That's My Biker,

The old manager tried to kill herself by eating a whole pot of poinsettias.

The Pulitzer Prize winning documentarian Lelaina Pierce.

The rite of passage for our generation.

The sky about 10 minutes before it starts to rain.

The story of my life

The sweetest thing that anyone's ever said to me.

The word vivisection, a staggering understatement.

Thelma's husband Keith's got vodka hidden in the toilet.

Then be in a goddamn band! Rehearse every day! Play three times a night!

There you go, sir, and have a 'tude, Wienerdude. All righty.

There's everybody at my funeral wearing halter tops and chokers

There's no point to any of this. It's all just a...

There's no secret handshake. There's an IQ prerequisite, but no secret handshake.

There's nothing right now.

They cut up everything that meant anything to me!

They enforce the checks and balances, and a half hour of TV only adds up to one...

They find his skull in a grave and they go, Oh, I knew him and he was funny.

They get most of my job done

They had this little retarded boy workin' the cash register.

They wanna pay you for it.

They wonder why those of us in our twenties

They're just videotapes, right?

They're of the I just got laid variety.

They're that I...

Things don't work out like that.

Think fast.

This bandana by Donna Karan is blue for Crips, red for Bloods and only costs $75.

This day has been the biggest nightmare. These job interviews, Troy?

This isn't gonna work out.

This one's for you, Laney.

This week we're in South Central Los Angeles

Those are good.

Those pajamas are like a uniform. You run up a $400 phone bill.

Three words, November 16, 199...

Till I'm going, going, gone

Till I'm going, going, gone

To a philosopher? It's just, uh,

To anyone, anywhere I don't understand if you really care

To brag to all my good buddies back home that I graduated.

To pieces

To that morning after we made love

Today for all you dieters, guiltless goodies from Chef Skinny Ninny!

Today reports of I 70 shut due to the snowfall.

Today we have with us

Tom, didn't you listen to her speech today?

Treasure just to look upon it

Troy who? What was that name again?

Troy, does your father give you gifts like that?

Troy, you haven't been home in four days.

Try at something for once in your life. Do something about it. But you know what?

Try me. I'm free.

Uh huh

Uh huh

Uh, 851 25 9357.

Uh, hold on. It's some Michael character?

Uh, Janine, Janine. It was...

Uh, uh, being a total prick...

Uh...

Um,

Um, but, uh, um... Are you religious?

Um, every... This is Michael.

Um, sorry. Just...

Um, uh...

Um...

Um...

Um... Okay.

Understand why things just can't go back to normal

Unintentionally commercialize it.

Unintentionally do anything that you're not comfortable with.

Until I get that toehold in the burger industry, I got time to suck.

Until I'm granted leave with my gold plated watch and my balls full of tumors,

Very impressive.

Vickie Miner?

Vickie, he will turn this place into a den of slack.

Vickie, stop, okay? Just stop.

Vickie, that's the American dream of the '90s. That could take years.

Vickie.

Wait, wait. Listen. They freaked out. They want to buy them.

Wanna tell you I love your way, ooh

We can get at least one on you, Sam.

We did that in the same one where he has a cape on.

We just put some titles on, shaped it a little bit.

We will continue our short but happy walking tour of the career of Troy Dyer.

We won't cry

We won't cry, because it could be fun

We'd help you out, but we're broke, too,

We'll have a hall monitor. I don't even know if this is allowed in the building.

We're gonna give you her old BMW.

We're gonna have to deal with them just like we've dealt with everything else.

We're just trying to pay bills here. So, Troy, if you got any money...

We're never gonna have rent problems again.

We're not sure where our lives are goin'

We're on the ride to nowhere Come take that ride

We're on the road to paradise Here we go

We're so lucky. Come on.

We've seen it. It's like MTV, but with an edge.

Welcome to the world of the emotionally mature. It's a nice place to visit.

Well,

Well, 'cause Mr. Brady died of AIDS.

Well, anyway, it's gonna be a good day, good morning.

Well, don't flatter yourself.

Well, don't, all right? Don't.

Well, Frog went a courtin' and he did ride

Well, he rode right up to Miss Mousey's door

Well, I can't, uh, really define irony, but I know when I see it.

Well, I do.

Well, I guess it doesn't really take much to make me happy.

Well, I guess it's about time for me to give you your graduation present.

Well, I had a shitty week.

Well, I know this sounds cornball, but, um,

Well, I'm not scared of him.

Well, it's a long, long journey to...

Well, Miss Poster Girl for The Workers Party,

Well, mission accomplished. Now leave.

Well, newspapers are the last watchdogs of our government.

Well, she married one.

Well, should I get married Should I be good

Well, that pales in comparison to the tweaked out little skanks you date.

Well, that solves our first problem. Rent's due this week.

Well, um... What am I doing? What am I doing?

Well, well, this is not that I think that I'm throwin'

Well, you don't have to put that down on your application.

Well...

Well... Uh, my dad died.

What are we going to do now?

What are you talking about? Walk out on you? You walk out on them.

What happened was that, um,

What Hey, That's My Bike would like to do eventually as a band

What I'm tryin' to do is constantly find those people,

What is it that you want from me? You want me to get a job on the line,

What the hell do you care? You totally bailed on me this morning.

What the hell is your problem?

What you've just witnessed here is a pre enactment of events

What, is there a frog in your throat, or are you just glad to see me?

What?

What? No!

What's been goin' on Now that you have gone

What's that? I'm not a Pepper?

What's this?

When all I want is you

When all I want is you

When you come back to me

When you gonna give me some time, Sharona

When you, like, catch yourself in a moment, and you're saying...

Where are you going?

Where everything is okay?

Where everything's so easy to laugh at from a safe distance

Where have you been sleepin'?

Where Troy dared to ask the question,

Where'd you hear that? A Renaissance Festival?

Who are already married and having babies.

Who cares?

Who decides

Who told you that? Your psychic partner?

Who was dyin' since the day they were born

Who you lookin' for out here?

Who's the boss? Huh? Tony Danza? I don't think so. It's you.

Who's this again?

Why are you acting like a jealous boyfriend all of a sudden?

Why are you on a cellular phone?

Why are you suddenly acting like a jealous girlfriend?

Why can't I get just one kiss

Why can't I get just one screw

Why can't I get just one, huh

Why don't we welcome this audience again, huh?

Why don't you get a job at Burgerama? They'll hire you.

Wish I could buy one

With a sword and a pistol by his side

With pleasure, my friends, with pleasure.

With pleasure. I really feel sorry for that poor girl.

With us today is Libby Cumba, author of this book.

Without being honest about who I am.

Without having any real role models or heroes or anything.

Won't wait Hey

Working out a plan.

Would you shut up? I just got fired.

Would you two just do it and get it over with?

Wow. Lelaina, look at you. You look... Where'd you get that dress?

Wow. That sounds great. I mean, it seems like

Yeah ah, I miss you

Yeah, exactly. I loved astronomy, too, and I got in the class,

Yeah, I don't want to hear it from you.

Yeah, I just... The math, though. It was the math.

Yeah, it's taking orders and making change and, uh,

Yeah, like now. It's...

Yeah, right, Michael. He lets you navigate that entire relationship.

Yeah, right.

Yeah, that's okay. I mean, that's... I know. I mean, still, it's...

Yeah, this girl is cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.

Yeah, well, I forgot. I'm not qualified to talk to you.

Yeah, what is it? I don't care if she does 12 books of herself naked.

Yeah, you're probably right, but it don't matter now.

Yeah! Roll 'em right up. It's liberating, isn't it?

Yeah? Well, let her say that to me.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. No. I'll call you back.

Yeah. She's getting dressed.

Yeah. There's a surgeon in Paris who'll just remove it...

Yeah. Yes, yes.

Yeah. You got time to lean, you got time to clean, buddy.

Yes, good morning, ladies and gentleman!

Yes, I'm only a bill

Yes, there is. A group which is named P FLAG,

Yes, you will be assisting me

Yes! I was this close to selling fruit at intersections!

You and me? Five bucks? Good conversation?

You are a master at the art of time suckage.

You better do it now and better do it fast,

You can exhale, 'cause it's not gonna happen in this lifetime.

You can pick up the phone and talk directly with a professional psychic

You do. You're strangely attracted to me right now.

You don't even know. I'm sitting here

You don't know what she needs.

You don't sound pathetic.

You don't understand. Every day, all day, it's all that I think about, okay?

You don't want a BMW. Tell him, Lelaina!

You get one in the morning. I'm talking 44 ouncer, not this 32...

You get one, you have your essential vitamins and nutrients for the entire day.

You got a prom date and a prom date...

You gotta be 150% on your toes, 150% of the time.

You guys, we have to have a family meeting.

You have no idea how much I wish that I could go back

You have this great piece of work, and we have this audience, these kids.

You know as I ride along

You know how he... Commercials,

You know my rules for Video View, light and perky.

You know what I think, Denell?

You know what you remind me of?

You know what? Just forget it.

You know what? We're already late.

You know, I finally figured out what your problem is, Dyer.

You know, I gotta go to New York on Wednesday

You know, I think he's gone.

You know, playing warehouses, hanging around places like the Radio Shack,

You know, the real reason that I've been celibate for so long

You know, you're very beautiful.

You know? I know it's gonna be okay.

You mean so much to me, Lelaina, and I just...

You okay?

You pick it up at our house.

You say you want

You say you want

You say you'll give me

You say you'll give me

You see, this is where Troy was fired from his 11th job.

You seem very sweet, and you seem to like Dr. Zaius.

You seemed to have forgotten

You shut up! I busted my ass to find a job. You don't even show up for interviews.

You suffer from the philosopher groupie syndrome.

You think you can just come in here and push me around?

You try to tell me that I'm clever

You wanna tell me what the hell he's doin' here? I wanted to talk to you.

You want to turn it in Turn it into heaven

You want to turn it in Turn it into heaven

You want to turn it in Turn it into heaven, yeah

You watch TV. You chain smoke. You don't go outside.

You will be for me I will fight for you, yeah

You won't even know I'm here.

You'll chill in time.

You're beautiful!

You're freaking out. And you know what? You're gonna have to deal with the results.

You're gonna make copies for me. Many copies.

You're high. Why don't you go take a walk outside and get some fresh air?

You're just gonna have to swallow your pride.

You're like that guy with the hat and the bells

You're not alone.

You're not. And you're not dying of AIDS.

You're not. And you're not dying of AIDS.

You're oddly, oddly attracted to me. It turns you on.

You're overqualified for this job.

You're pathological.

You're probably not... Really not into, like,

You're really enjoying this, aren't you?

You're this guy with, like, a 180 IQ, 10 units away...

You're TV.

You're TV.

You've been waiting for this since the day we met.

You've got this whole thing with the world, don't you?

Your bravado is embarrassing.

...and it slipped my mind. Yeah. Mm hmm.

...more like, you know, PBS or something. No! No.

...when I was 14. ...when I was five years old.

according to plan. Mm hmm.

Ah, forget it. I just sound pathetic. No, you don't.

and the little, you know... The court jester.

And then it just goes away really quickly. Gone.

and they're all depending on who? Me?

And you? Well, I, um...

Are you all alone? Not anymore.

Are you out of your mind? He just got fired from the newsstand.

Are you retarded? No, I'm rhyming.

Because of Michael? No!

BMW? BMW! Yeah.

Bye. Michael throws a party. Sammy, let's go.

Can't stay here, Troy. I'm just gonna pick something up.

causes you to grow a third eye. Oh, Jesus!

causes you to grow a third eye. Oh, Jesus!

Coffee or cappuccino? Oh, he ended up saying decaf.

Dinner? Coffee.

Don't! Come on. It's not funny. Here we are.

equals the root of... Pi!

Everything's gonna be fine. Just wear a patch.

Frampton. Peter Frampton? Frampton.

from a degree in philosophy. Yeah?

from, yes, count them, 12 jobs. Twelve?

Give it back! Give the brownies back?

Give it back. Give what back?

Go out. He definitely said go out. Hey. How ya doin'?

God, I love astronomy. Really?

Good Morning, Grant. Oh, my God! I'm so sorry! I had no idea!

Good morning, Libby. Good morning, Grant.

Hello, can you hear me? No, Michael, I'm losing you.

Hello! Hello, hello! Hello? Can you hear me now?

Hello? You ou

Hello? I got cut off. I'm sorry. What the hell happened?

Hello. Lelaina?

Hey, hey! All righty. Whoo! Thanks for coming.

Hey, Laney. This is Lance. Hi.

Hey. Hi.

Hi! I had to call you right away.

Hi. Hi. Hi.

I always get it up Come on!

I called the Psychic Discovery Network... Nothing is going down

I can't believe I trusted you! I had no idea! I didn't see it!

I don't do you like I should Listen, this guy back here, okay?

I don't have any cash. Domino's takes checks.

I don't think so. Did he ask you to go out or to hang out?

I have to bring them to the club. I hope he knows

I mean, not that I would intentionally... Well, plus, it's not done yet.

I swore I'd never get married. I want passion.

I took the tape and I showed it. No!

I... It's, uh... It's, yeah, right.

I... This is... You, no... Come on. This is really...

I'm gonna change. No, don't change.

I'm on the phone. Yeah.

I'm sorry. Uh...

Is that part of my lease agreement? That or a credit check.

Is yours good? I don't think it's very fresh.

It's gonna be great. Okay.

J.J. works in the chicken shop. We did that.

J.J.'s prom date. Gotta go, gotta go. Hi.

Just don't panic. It's not contagious.

just the two of you? No, no, no, no. It's...

Laney? What y?

Lelaina, let's go for a walk. Fine.

Lelaina, this thing is from 1988. I know.

Lelaina. Here we go

Let's get some ice cream. Okay, enough.

Listen, don't kill me, okay? What? What?

Ma. Yeah?

My parents got divorced... My parents got divorced...

Negatory. Yeah!

No, don't do that. Oh, I'm sorry.

No, no, no. I'm not like that. I'm just kidding.

No, no. Hang on a second here. Ohh!

No, no. No. What?

No! Done.

No. Yes!

No. I mean... Oh, no. I'm so sorry.

Not if you have Daddy's little gas card. You shut up!

Oh, come on. I'm just kidding.

Oh, God, Troy, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. No, it's... No, it...

Oh, really? All Geminis.

Oh, same here. Exactly. It was so...

Oh, shit. What?

Oh, totally drunk. It would have been a poetic experience,

Okay? Okay. Bye.

Okay. 85 and 45. Go.

Ouch. So you shouldn't feel so bad.

Pizza! Pizza.

Royalton Hotel. Is this the Royalton Hotel?

See, Tom? Hmm?

Shut up. It's not even a big deal.

six, five, four... ...saves you money!

So is it a date? Yeah. Yep.

So that's it? No.

So you gotta give them... Meat loaf?

So, ya ready? Um, what's it like?

So? What?

Something's happened. Oh, no! They've discovered NutraSweet

still get your BFA. Oh, can I?

Still, I'm so proud of you! I'll be making $400 a week.

taking... No. It's a juggling act.

Thank you. Oh, my little pretty one, pretty one.

That's a good one. Doom doom. James dies

That's a two parter. I'll allow it.

That's great, that's really wonderful. This is really stupid.

That's not what I want. Nothing! I know!

That's what I said. Sorry. I didn't hear you.

The answer is simple. We're on the road to nowhere

They liked it? No, they like psychotically loved it.

They, um, caught him stealing a Snickers. He stole a Snickers bar?

This is, uh... This is, uh, Jean. Janine.

To hell with it. What do I care? What do you care?

to take a look at what I've done here? I need my questions.

Too late. Wait up. I'm gonna go.

Troy, I can't. I can't. Why not? You never thought about it?

Troy, yeah. All done here, sir?

Uh huh. Oh, God, this is unbelievable.

Uh, it's transitional stuff. Ahh.

uh, quotations, or whatever. Just ignore him.

Uh, yeah. You don't want to finish that?

Um, well, here's... Here's his head. You know what? It's really...

Um... Hey.

Vickie just figured something out. What?

Vickie, you... Don't do this, okay? Shut up.

Wait a minute. Forty four? Yeah, 44 ounces.

Wait, wait, I'm happy here. Right, right.

We did that one. Go. It was cute.

We're finished! School's out

Welcome to the maxi pad. Yeah, with the new Dri Weave.

Well, hi, Lelaina. Hi.

Well, yes, of course I have, but I... But what?

What is your glitch, huh? My glitch?

When you say sue... It's not really my idea.

Where are you going? I have rehearsal.

Where are you? I'm in a phone booth.

Where were you when I needed you today? Uh, I should go.

who feels things deeply. Music is feeling, babe.

who is battling Alzheimer's. Aww.

Who's Michael? Let's order a pizza.

Whoa! Hey!

Whoo! Yeah! But the question remains,

Yeah, it's a dream come true. It is!

Yeah, right. ...I'm gonna turn on the TV,

Yeah. I'm, like, ruining your whole life here.

Yeah. Oh, my god. What happened?

Yeah. Are you okay? She's fine.

You and me and five bucks. You got it.

You can forget it. Come on, Grant. That is incredible.

You don't get it. You just don't get it. What? I do get it!

You guys better not be inhaling. Hi.

You know what? Hmm?

You know, evolving. I just can't handle this right now.

You know, Vick, I'm working out a plan. Yeah? So what's the plan?

You like to watch, don't you? Come on! Come on! Come on!

You look like... You look like... A doily.

You want to be in a band? Laney, goddamn it!

Your gas card. I'll pay that bill for one year.

...for the entire summertime occurring in one day.

...ly pear, I, uh...

'Cause I missed you

'Cause I missed you

'Cause if you do, let's get this out.

'Cause it's like... Do you ever have those moments in life

'Cause me, you see I'm nothin'

'Cause me, you see I'm nothin'

'cause this guest has quite a history in politics.

'Cause when you think on your feet, gotta go from your gut,

'Cause your love

'Cause, as you know, we're entering a new phase here at the channel:

140. Nope.

150. Nope.

160. It's not an auction.