Knocked Up (2007) Edit

A bar mitzvah?

A beer over here, please?

A little tighter?

A little, so far.

A lot.

A lot.

About eight or nine weeks, I'd say.

About the work, most immediately,

Absolutely not.

Absolutely. Delighted.

Absolutely. I'm so excited! Oh, my God.

Actually, it's sort of embarrassing to ask at this point,

Actually, they're playing in Laurel Canyon,

Ah, to be young.

All I see is our baby getting poked in the face by my penis.

All I'm thinking of is that I'm gonna... I weigh over 200 pounds.

All right, bring it back.

All right, guys, let start logging, all right?

All right, I'm gonna go make a protein shake.

All right, I'm gonna let you two get to know each other.

All right, man. I got to take off.

All right, Martin, who am I?

All right, then. Nice to meet you.

All right, you want to come in, you're gonna have to go

All right? Are you sure you understand the terms of the bet?

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right. Let's murderball.

All right. You're out of the bet. Yeah, now you're done.

All righty.

All the problems are the same, but it's...

All the time, man. Like every day. I wonder how you like me.

All we do is we show you what nude scenes are in what movies.

All we do is we'll get in the car, I'll drive to the hospital,

Allison just puked.

Allison just puked.

Allison Scott?

Allison, I apologize for being a little brash, but if you're okay with it,

Allison, just take care of it.

Allison, thank you for coming in.

Allison?

Allison's going into labor and you are not fucking here.

Am I gonna be okay, man?

Am I hotter than these little bitches?

And 12 years of sucking dick lessons.

And all romance goes out the door.

And all these stars just fuck it up.

And Debbie's amazing, man.

And don't repeat this, but God, I don't want to end up like Debbie.

And even if we did plan,

And everything that goes into it. None of the gross stuff.

And from the look of her bush, Short Cuts is the wrong name for that movie.

And give this a real shot.

And give you some medicine to speed things up.

And he said he was gonna be here, right? You were there when he said that.

And he says that he's in bad cell phone reception areas

And he's gonna be there for the next three days,

And I can't afford it yet.

And I didn't want to upset you.

And I don't know what you're talking about.

And I don't know why you felt you couldn't tell us.

And I don't want you to worry 'cause I know you worry.

And I feel fabulous!

And I get that. I totally understand where he's coming from.

And I get three months maternity leave if I stay,

And I need you to give me... Give me his number, okay?

And I really think it's just 'cause, like,

And I think it would just be easier for both of us if we stop fooling ourselves.

And I thought you could come with me to the gynecologist.

And I was feeling weird because of that. And I made a...

And I'd be happy to help you.

And I'm going into labor and I need to speak with him.

And I'm just hauling ass for Canada, man.

And I'm never going back.

And if you can do that, I will pay your rent.

And in the baby's life as much as you want.

And it pisses me off. And now I'm sweating.

And it was terrible advice!

And it's a bunch of nerds playing fantasy baseball.

And it's not how I wanted it to be,

And it's so fucking unfair.

And just because I'm pregnant, I'm not some ruined woman

And just because we're two nice people doesn't mean we should stay together.

And just fucking coughs malaria into our face?

And my boobs are all, like, squishy, and they're flopping around.

And not just that, but how long into that movie she shows her tits.

And on the way, we will call every gynecologist we've met.

And once he does that into them once, they're never soft ever again.

And people who love each other get married and have babies.

And right there in the middle is the embryo.

And say, Look, just cut the shit.

And she busts your balls 'cause you're a little bitch.

And she needs to let go and let me do my job.

And she's nice and her hair always looks different.

And tell him if he has to, tell him he needs a teammate or a spotter there.

And that's kind of the good thing.

And then a hole goes in your body,

And then eventually pink eyed my pillow.

And then he's wired for stress for the rest of his life. So just...

And then I found out you were smoking pot that whole time.

And then I try to call him on his cell phone,

And then in the end, they thank you for it.

And then they get so down on themselves that they're forced to change.

And then you hold your butt and you have to dig,

And then you push your belly button, and then your butt falls off,

And then your mommy said, Just do it, already,

And then, after the baby is out...

And there's blood everywhere, coming out of your head,

And they don't function well? They die.

And they really hurt and the doctor isn't here, and I can't get hold of him.

And they wanted it to be a very special experience.

And they would like to put you on camera.

And this beautiful young man is Jonah.

And this definitely is not it.

And turns out, people like pregnant.

And watching Debbie and Pete together, it's...

And we're not engaged or anything.

And without Scatman Crothers in it.

And write down how much you weigh and subtract it by, like, 20.

And you can be there when the baby is born,

And you got the good lips and boobs, and you're young still.

And you just kind of have to go with the flow and, you know,

And you know what I'm gonna have to do now?

And you know what? Now she has a real baby.

And you said no to me!

And you'll find a little baby.

And you're cool 'cause you don't give a shit.

And you're not gonna have anything to do. You're gonna be bored.

And you're young and you're tall,

And your stupid little fucking rope! You know what?

And, I'm in, you know.

And, you know, neither of us really thought it was gonna happen,

And... And we tried to make it work and that was good, I suppose.

And... Okay.

Are you coming?

Are you Debbie's husband?

Are you fucking kidding me?

Are you hungry?

Are you kidding me?

Are you okay?

Are you okay?

Are you okay? I don't want to hurt your feelings.

Are you ready?

Are you really?

Are you sure you don't wanna come paintballing?

Are you the lady who doesn't realize she's pregnant

Are you two together?

Aren't you supposed to be married to have a baby?

Around. You know?

As any of these little skanky girls!

Ask him if he's gonna kill himself.

At least we don't have to use a condom, you know?

Aunty Allison drank too much chocolate milk.

Awesome.

Awesome.

B. K. It's Brent Master Five.

B.J., if I'm just being honest, I would probably...

Babe, we're running low on plates.

Back the fuck off.

Be quiet. You're starting to annoy me.

Because at this juncture in my life, I'm allowed to be wrong!

Because he likes breakfast so much.

Because he thought it would be fun to have breakfast with us,

Because her and our doctor had a very specific birth plan.

Because I literally have no idea whatsoever.

Because I needed to get away, you know.

Because I'm in love with you.

Because if it gets too stressful in here,

Because it fixes everything.

Because of payment complications.

Because once the bag is broken, I don't want there to be an infection.

Because they're not right for each other.

Because this is my first baby, and he promised that he would be here for me

Because we are two completely different people.

Because we didn't mean to do this together, okay?

Because we had a little debate on the conference call with New York about you.

Because you told me not to.

Because you were the only one giving me advice!

Being American and everything like that?

Ben knows, but I've sworn him to secrecy.

Ben proposed to me.

Ben, I love you. What can I tell you?

Ben, I've been divorced three times. Why would you listen to me?

Ben, it's me. Can you come? 'Cause the baby's coming. Can you come?

Ben, what is your number?

Ben, you cannot let these monsters have any part of your child's life.

Ben!

Booty booty call.

Both chesticles.

But a boyfriend.

But every day is a constant struggle for them

But everybody works for them.

But everything will be fine. Okay?

But everything's gonna be okay, I assure you.

But here's the thing.

But I can't wait to read these, honestly.

But I don't know why.

But I got like 14 grand from the British Columbia government.

But I just walked three fucking miles through Koreatown to get here!

But I would just like to say, fuck you, hormones!

But I'm having a really hard time.

But I've made myself available to his patients,

But if you shave, then you have to pay all five of our rents.

But it doesn't last 22 minutes.

But it doesn't work.

But it is our job.

But it only comes out right before the baby's gonna come,

But it rhymes with Shma shmortion.

But it sounds to me like she's crowning. Is that right, Deb?

But it was the smartest thing I ever did, listening to her, 'cause now you're here.

But it works out in my advantage, I think, ultimately,

But it's kind of business meeting time.

But it's not funny.

But life is like that, you know,

But like another two years or some shit. I think.

But maybe we could bring the baby into a reconciled place so we can talk...

But now that I did the research, I think they're pretty amazing, like...

But that is why I'm presenting you this empty box.

But then they'll go down. And then they'll stay down.

But they should be because they love each other,

But we can. I don't... I brought some just in case. I don't...

But we can't go anywhere.

But we can't go anywhere.

But we're gonna be untired! We're gonna go live!

But what are we gonna do, 'cause I have an appointment?

But you figure, like, what are the chances of that happening twice, you know?

But you know, hopes, dreams, whatever, it's gonna be great.

But you play fantasy baseball because you can't accept her love?

But, I mean, you can e mail me at the web page. I check...

But, Martin, it's a competition. It's called, The Dirty Man Competition.

But, you know, because you're family, you got to share.

But, you know, he had this whole spiel about when he has the money,

But, you know, the situation.

Bye!

California, eh?

Can I just have some?

Can I talk to you in the hall for a second?

Can we make it more like 6:00, though? I'd like to keep it early.

Can we talk outside in the hall for a second?

Can you grab the video camera?

Can you help me find him? Can you give me his number?

Can you let me back in the car, please?

Can you not joke right now? Don't joke right now.

Can't have a bunch of old, pregnant bitches running around.

Care more.

Carlos Delgado. Excellent choice.

Charles Manson? Do you have any other thoughts?

Chewbacca. You know, it's Chewie.

Come here! I'm gonna murderball you!

Come on, man. I'm getting it from all angles here.

Come on.

Congratulations.

Cool.

Cool. Okay.

Daddy, wake up!

Debbie didn't get fat.

Debbie is a freak of nature.

Debbie wants to give her life to you, and Allison doesn't want to do that with me.

Debbie wants us to come over and have dinner tonight.

Debbie, no, you're not.

Debbie.

Debbie.

Dessert. Sweet.

Dick!

Did he freeze or did he finish?

Did he get the deer in the headlights look?

Did we have sex?

Did you just get pink cupcakes or yellow cupcakes?

Did you just say my lack of commitment? 'Cause that's what it sounded like.

Did you miss your period?

Did you puke on my shoes?

Did you see this sex offender website?

Did you talk to him?

Did you think it's the thinnest condom on earth I have on?

Did you try the Ova Sure?

Did your water break on my shoes? Did you puke on my shoes?

Do they know?

Do you have any acting experience?

Do you have his cell number, by any chance?

Do you love each other?

Do you need to get to work or anything?

Do you really want to?

Do you see that flicker? You know what that is?

Do you smoke cigarettes?

Do you trust me when I say everything will be fine?

Do you use that Canadian flag tattoo as a cum target of some sort?

Do you wanna get breakfast?

Do you want to be the doctor? Because I really don't need to be here.

Do you want to go to India? Go to India! Seriously, go to India.

Do you want to talk about things?

Do you, like, use a product or anything?

Doc Brown is the guy who's Christopher Lloyd.

Does it look weird that I'm here?

Doesn't mean our site won't work, necessarily.

Don't ask her about her sister and her nose job.

Don't do this in front of Ben.

Don't even bother.

Don't fuck me over, okay?

Don't get them all riled up before the drive.

Don't go in there. Promise me you don't go in there.

Don't go there. Okay? Help me stay relaxed.

Don't have illegal grow operations in the house.

Don't let the door hit you in the vagina on the way out.

Don't let them eat fish. There's mercury in the water.

Don't put this on me!

Don't run out of gas. Don't run out of gas. Come on!

Don't tell anyone.

Don't tell Mommy,

Don't use the baby to cover your tracks.

Don't worry about gaining weight.

Don't worry, man. We'll figure it out.

Don't worry. I won't make you do this again.

Dr. Howard's not available tonight.

Dr. Kuni said he would let you know we were coming?

Dr. Kuni, I really wanna do this naturally. I don't wanna use drugs.

Dude, every movie with ****, we're the ones getting killed.

Dude, I think he's doing the dice thing too much.

Dude, it's like 8:15, man.

Dude, it's real whether or not you read those books.

Dude, it's the dream. What are we doing standing here, man?

Dude, Mr. Skin.

Dude, they got the top 10 group shower scenes!

Everybody loves somebody pregnant.

Everybody's just really pissed off and tense.

Everyone goes through this.

Exactly how long into what movies their favorite stars are exposed.

Exactly. We can work together.

Exactly. You wouldn't do that?

Feed the teddy bear.

Fetch.

Fine. Go.

First guy...

Foetal heart rate is good. Samuel, where are we?

For the sake of getting to know one another, can you not talk like that?

From my count, you're right around eight months.

From Vancouver. I live here illegally, actually.

Fuck me in the beard.

Fuck off!

Fuck them! It's a girl! Buy some pink shit!

Fuck you guys. I'm glad I'm not *******.

Fuck you.

Fuck!

Fuck! Fuck! My hands!

Fucking hilarious!

Fucking men!

Gentlemen, it's a girl!

Get out of my fucking car!

Get over it. It was sweet.

Get ready.

Get them out of here, man. This is too many chairs for one room.

Get up! Let's go!

Go back in time and fuck each other?

Go get it! Fetch!

Go hang out with your bearded freak friends. I don't care.

Go! Holy shit, almighty!

God damn it!

God, I hope you're not pregnant.

God, I mean, honestly, I just got used to the, like,

God, it's not porn, okay?

God.

Good morning, Allison.

Good things come in pairs, man, you know.

Good, awesome, let's start this off with a bang.

Good.

Good. That's good. That's what I was hoping you'd do.

Got Matsui.

Got your six shooter on you? I got my lynching rope.

Great, you know what? Just forget it.

Great.

Great. It's gonna be that night.

Great. We'll talk about the Middle East and maybe an idea of an exit strategy.

Guess what the fuck's up?

Guess what? I'm scared there's no one to trust.

Ha, ha, ha. Very funny. That's not how you get pink eye.

Happy Birthday to you

Happy Birthday to you

Have fun, guys. Seriously. Watch the eyes.

Have I told her to stop doing anything ever? No.

Have the mushrooms kicked in yet?

Have you calmed down? Did you take a breath?

He can barely get in and out of that little house.

He can't afford a phone? Sadie has a phone.

He didn't even have a number to give me.

He didn't have an actual ring, though. It was just an empty box.

He didn't tell us, though.

He doesn't have a phone?

He farted on Jonah's, thinking it was mine,

He invented the DeLorean, the time machine.

He just got high, and it still clicks, but, I mean, he's okay.

He just kicked me out. He told me to leave.

He really seems on his game.

He said he's gonna take care of her.

He says no.

He says your mom's already there.

He spelled coming wrong. Oh, it's cum...

He tucked his shirt in. He got down on one knee. It was so sweet.

He wants to rear your child!

He was, like, wearing this great little button down.

He's always going off to these business meetings at odd hours.

He's at a bar mitzvah in San Francisco? Do you know when he gets back?

He's at a bar mitzvah in San Francisco.

He's gonna buy me the ring that I deserve and...

He's literally ignoring this entire half of the bar.

He's miserable.

He's my boyfriend.

He's not cheating on her.

He's playing fetch with my kids.

He's treating my kids like they're dogs.

Hell, I'm more famous than half the people we talk to, anyway!

Hello, Allison. Ben. Interesting night.

Hello, baby.

Hello, it's Dr. Howard. I'm not here right now. Please leave a message.

Hello, Mommy.

Hello, yes, this is Ben Stone. I'm calling on behalf of Allison Scott.

Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

Hello.

Hello. My name is Thomas Pellagrino.

Her bush looks like the hedge maze from The Shining but red

Here comes another contraction, okay? I want you to push. Okay, ready?

Here goes. Um...

Here we are again.

Here you go. For your trouble. Thank you. There you go.

Here, here.

Here, I have this thing of him on my phone. I just watched it.

Here's what happened, okay?

Hey, Allison, come on. I got the car here. What do you wanna do?

Hey, are you serious, Howard Hughes?

Hey, Ben, this is... This is Allison. I don't know if you remember me.

Hey, Ben! What's up, man?

Hey, Crockett, you still partying with Tubbs these days?

Hey, do you mind... Can you baby sit?

Hey, Doc Howard. Ben Stone calling.

Hey, hey! Excuse me!

Hey, how do you want this? You want this over the shoulder?

Hey, look. I don't make the rules.

Hey, Martin, was it weird when you joined the Taliban,

Hey, maybe you can get your own place now.

Hey, Pete, don't let the door hit you in the vagina on the way out!

Hey, what's up, Daddy? What are you doing?

Hey, what's up, shorty? What's up, pretty girls?

Hey, what's up? Baby girl.

Hey, you wanna trade boyfriends?

Hey!

Hey! Good news.

Hey! I live in your phone!

Hey! Oh, Allison! Hi.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey. Hey, you okay?

Hi, there, champ. Nice to meet you.

Hi, this is my friend, Jason.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Hidden downloads, searches, email history. Memory Spy.

Hideki Matsui.

Holy crap! What happened?

Holy fuck. What are they all doing in here?

Holy shit!

Holy shit! It's 1,400 bucks.

Honestly, I mean, I thought...

Honestly, though, when you look at me do you not think at all, like,

Honey, this is not the time.

Hope your plane crashes. Peace, fucker!

How are things at Butt Fucking Ham Palace?

How are you gonna tell them?

How are you?

How can Debbie like me? She likes me. I mean, she loves me.

How can I help you?

How can you fight with him? Look at his face. I just want to kiss it.

How come we go to the gynecologist so often?

How did anyone ever give birth without a baby book?

How is this worse?

How long does this one take?

How long you gonna make us wait out here, for Christ's sake?

How long you kids been married?

How many doctors are there in your practice?

How many points do you get if you hit the leaf? Like a million?

How many Red Bulls have you had?

How much do wedding rings cost?

How the fuck did this happen?

How's it going? You wanna toke?

How's your sis?

Huh?

I actually don't know where he is tonight.

I agree with that. I agree.

I almost had the condom on my dick.

I always aim right.

I am kind of living my vision, yeah.

I am terrified, and I am falling apart,

I bet you do, late John Lennon.

I bet you're not pregnant.

I bust through the border and I'm a free man!

I buy these nice towels, and he whacks off into them.

I can always tell if I'm looking good based on whether or not we get in.

I can drive them. I'll drive them to school.

I can't believe I go out of town and this happens.

I can't believe I said some of that.

I can't believe you did this. You fucked everything up.

I can't call him anyway. He doesn't even have a phone.

I can't dance. I'm embarrassed.

I can't deal with this shit, man!

I can't do that to our baby. That's the first thing it's gonna see.

I can't fucking believe you didn't wear a bag!

I can't imagine meeting any more of you people.

I can't imagine Pete doing something like that.

I can't let you in 'cause you're old as fuck, for this club,

I can't ref the next games, by the way.

I can't remember my last period.

I can't tell you that you're acting like a lunatic?

I can't. I can't do this, I just... I can't. I can't. I can't focus like this.

I cannot be supportive of this. This is a mistake. This is a big, big mistake.

I cannot be supportive of this. This is a mistake. This is a big, big mistake.

I cannot stop thinking about what an asshole Pete is.

I coughed. What do you want from me?

I could accept it, man.

I could do this all day.

I couldn't take it. I can't raise this baby alone.

I did it.

I did not tell you not to wear a condom.

I did. And then I wrote it on the calendar like you told me to.

I didn't know how to handle it, and I didn't want to lose my job.

I didn't read any of the comic books until I got the movie and then...

I didn't read the baby book! What's gonna happen?

I didn't talk to him directly. I left him a very nice message, though.

I didn't think this would happen.

I don't even know what to say. What do you want me to do?

I don't even like baseball.

I don't get how you're comfortable with any of these guys

I don't give a shit about Ben.

I don't have VD or anything. I mean, I don't, I thought...

I don't know how it works. It just works, okay? Just do it.

I don't know how to take responsibility for myself, okay?

I don't know what it is.

I don't know who Doc Brown is.

I don't know, I thought maybe it'd be cool

I don't know! Google it.

I don't know! I couldn't tell that you didn't have one on!

I don't know.

I don't know. Are they mad? What have they been saying?

I don't know. I mean, I thought you were wearing a condom.

I don't know. I'm gonna have to look him up on his stupid website.

I don't know. I'm in the tub.

I don't know. If you give me a shot to just show you that I'm...

I don't know. Shit. I don't know. I can't remember.

I don't know. We've only known each other 17 weeks, so it's...

I don't like them.

I don't need to see it again. It's gonna make me throw up.

I don't really know yet what that love means, you know.

I don't remember that at all.

I don't take it lightly.

I don't take vacations. I hate Hawaii.

I don't think I can accept her love.

I don't think I would have wanted to have a baby for like,

I don't think so. I don't know why he would.

I don't understand the young talent in this town!

I don't wanna go see it now.

I don't wanna go. I swear to God.

I don't wanna have to ask you to ask me.

I don't wanna leave the baby in there for long,

I don't wanna talk about it.

I don't want this baby to determine the rest of our lives. You know?

I don't want to force you to be what I think you should be.

I don't want to shock you but we know what's under that jacket.

I don't... I don't want the baby to be born all drugged out.

I farted on Jason's pillow as a practical joke.

I feel like he'd like me.

I feel really good about this. I think we found our doctor.

I feel way better, though. I think that's like the secret. Like you gotta...

I figured it'd be a lot sooner than this, you know?

I forgot about that!

I fuck my nurse with my ever expanding cock.

I fucking hate this job.

I get the runs from the stress.

I get to let in one and a quarter black people.

I get what he's talking about.

I get worse looking and he gets better looking,

I got a promotion.

I got fucking water in my mouth!

I got his number right here. I'm gonna call him right now.

I got Julianne Red Beard Moore.

I got to go meet gynecologists with Allison.

I got to go.

I got to go. Sadie might have the chicken pox.

I got to turn this off. It's freaking me out.

I got your baby!

I gotta pee.

I guess I was wrong.

I had the chicken pox three times. I have no immunity to it.

I hate you so much sometimes.

I have 15 years of tennis lessons.

I have a vision for how my life would go,

I have a while before I have to say anything.

I have just as much of a right to be here

I have no clue where we are!

I have no idea, either.

I have on occasion.

I have so many thing's I've been wanting to say to you.

I have to go to this other chair.

I have to go to work.

I have totally lost it.

I haven't told them. Do you think they're gonna be mad?

I hope this place doesn't get condemned. That would suck.

I hope you fucking die

I hope you will be.

I hope your apartment is big enough for the three of us.

I just don't get how I tell the kid not to do drugs when I do drugs.

I just don't think we can make it work.

I just doubled my record time.

I just have a quick question.

I just never, for one minute, thought that the guy who got me pregnant

I just smoke less pot. I don't know what to do. I'm an idiot!

I just think you need to relax and embrace the beauty of another life joining our gang.

I just walked into a fucking buzz saw. She rejected me.

I just want to get shit faced tonight, though, you know.

I just wanted to see how my beers were doing.

I just yacked something nasty.

I just... I think that if you just...

I just... I wasn't expecting this and...

I know I look like a fat cow.

I know my job is to just support you in whatever it is you wanna do,

I know we're supposed to be nice with each other right now,

I know you're tired.

I know, but, Jonah, this is beautiful.

I know, I know. Look, I talked to him.

I know, I know. Look, I talked to him.

I know, of course, I know that.

I know.

I know. I'm sorry, but I'm not going anywhere.

I know. Thanks.

I like Spider Man.

I like the way you move.

I like you a lot. That's all this is. That's...

I like you, too.

I literally am at a point where I don't know what I can say.

I look disgusting from this angle. I can feel you looking up at my chins.

I love breakfast.

I love kids.

I love Vegas, man.

I love weed.

I love you totally and completely.

I love you, man! Debbie loves you!

I love you, too.

I love your curly hair! It's so great.

I mean that was, what?

I mean, get in and get out. Get on with your day, you know?

I mean, granted, gynecology's only a hobby of mine,

I mean, he can't afford a ring, so...

I mean, honestly, like, if Doc Brown screeched up in front of you in the DeLorean.

I mean, I guess it worked. Like you told me not to smoke pot all those years,

I mean, I'm only gonna start to show when I'm like,

I mean, it really depends, you know?

I mean, like, I could go on all fucking day.

I mean, once you're hung over, you just gotta puke.

I mean, that's an incredible thing about a child.

I mean, that's an incredible thing about a child.

I mean, this is, like, the most fun I've had in a really long time.

I mean, until now.

I mean, we have seven months before the baby comes.

I mean, we still have time. I mean, how far apart are your contractions?

I mean, what did it say?

I mean, what is there left to want? I get to go to Legoland.

I mean, what's so great about bubbles?

I mean, you guys watch movies without nudity in them.

I mean, you like to get high, and you like to do shrooms in Vegas.

I mean, you've put on like, eight pounds, nine.

I mean, your boobs are gonna be big.

I meant do it like hurry up,

I need time for myself. I want time for myself, too.

I need to get cash because my car's on empty, I won't even make it there.

I need to know, or I will not be your doctor.

I need to speak to you right away. Allison Scott.

I need you to come help me, okay? Because the baby's coming.

I need you to take the kids to school this morning.

I really appreciate you saying that.

I really do love you.

I really feel like we'd get along well. I just... He seems like a fun guy.

I said, fuck off, Martin.

I see what you're saying. Totally.

I should be embarrassed.

I should have told you.

I should've read the baby books.

I shouldn't have given them all that meth, then.

I shouldn't have gone in there.

I shouldn't have said that. I feel terrible about it and...

I shouldn't have told you you were a fucking lunatic.

I think he'll be more cool now.

I think he's cute.

I think he's gonna be a good dad.

I think I am. Yeah.

I think I like him.

I think it's awesome that you had sex with her.

I think it's awesome that you're gonna have a kid, man.

I think it's Matisyahu.

I think just because this site exists

I think so.

I think the cord is wrapped around the neck.

I think they'll be fine. Look at us. It happened to us.

I think you picked up the wrong one.

I think you're gonna scare the other pregnant women.

I think you're supposed to spend, like, three months' pay on a ring.

I think, like, seven minutes. Seven minutes!

I thought I said get pink cupcakes.

I thought maybe we could get a little fun out of your situation, you know?

I thought maybe we'd just talk and get to know each other better.

I thought you went to Santa Monica City College.

I thought you were supposed to just accept people for who they are, love them anyway.

I told my roommates I thought I was gonna get a B.J., so...

I told you about my promotion. I was out celebrating it.

I told you all about this.

I took a home pregnancy test, and it said I was pregnant,

I took a shit and my shit looked like a fucking stuffed animal!

I totally know what you're talking about, man.

I totally, like, I just had this flash of me, like in a white Ford Bronco,

I tried that once before at the Comedy Store, and I got punched in the ear.

I understand how you feel but this isn't up to you.

I walked in on him masturbating one night.

I wanna apologize for things. It's all I can think about.

I wanna get the fuck out of here.

I wanna go home, too.

I wanna make sure that you're my doctor on the day, and...

I wanna see Breathless at the LACMA.

I want my own goddamn doctor! You make sure he calls me!

I want the... I want the epidural. Okay?

I want to go home.

I want to hear Green Day!

I want to speak to my own doctor. You really won't give me his number?

I want you to just come up with it on your own.

I was just in such a panic from all of this.

I was so drunk. I just wish I remembered it.

I was... I mean, I've been really stressed at work.

I went kind of overboard, huh?

I went to school with Allison.

I went to the Caribbean when I was 14,

I went to the movies.

I went where I went, Jason.

I will fill this box with a ring that you deserve, a beautiful ring.

I will fuck my bong. Doggie style, for once.

I will give you a play by play of my memory.

I will. Yeah.

I wish I liked anything as much as my kids like bubbles.

I wish I'd gotten that on tape.