Knocked Up (2007) Soundboard Edit

All right? I'm gonna be there to rear your child.

All we need to do is think of a new, better idea

And everybody's gonna see you right there.

And has your water broken, even?

And it makes me sad all day.

And then they're gonna be, like, scary big.

And we can give you some medicine for the pain.

And, you know, I knew you'd give me another shot.

Because I'm trying to protect our kids from child molesters and mercury?

Ben, come on.

Ben.

Boobs and bush! Boobs and bush.

Boobs! Boobs, boobs, boobs!

But Debbie's happy.

But I guess it's good, right?

But I really think he would want to hang out with me, is like the cool thing.

But what do you do for work?

Come on, Jason!

Come on.

Do not make fun of me. Okay? I am hormonal.

Do you ever wonder how somebody could even like you?

Do you have a real job?

Don't make everything smaller. I don't want to generalize that way.

Drove over to our house

Dude, that's what I said. She's probably pregnant, right?

Ever since Transamerica, I can't get her out of my mind.

Excuse me.

Fine. Do what you want to do.

Fuck me!

Fuck off, Martin.

God, you really had to pee.

God.

Good choice.

Great.

He hollowed out a penis and put it on?

He says he's gonna call it a night.

He's trying. He's making an effort.

Hello?

Hey, which one's the sister?

Hey.

Hey. I have a really good idea.

Hi, Dr. Howard?

Hi, I'm Allison Scott. And we're here today with James Franco from Spider Man.

Hi, you.

Hi.

Hold on, pause it, pause it, pause it.

Hold up. Hold up. Ben, wait. Ben, Ben, Ben, wait!

Home stretch. Hello. This is Allison Scott.

How am I supposed to be comfortable

How you doing?

How's it going?

I am going to the doctor next week,

I bet we have to go so much so we can pay for that $300,000 machine he has.

I can't. I can't.

I could smoke weed every second of every day.

I didn't mean do it without a condom.

I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know.

I don't want to be the one to pass judgment and decide who gets in.

I feel really bad about, like, a lot of the shit I did.

I got to get off! I got to get off! Got to get off! Got to get off!

I just got yellow cupcakes.

I just wanna get the fuck out of here.

I kind of feel bad for Pete.

I mean, we can be friends.

I need moolah.

I need to get you a baby present anyway.

I swear to God, man.

I think he might be.

I thought you felt weird that we're having a baby

I told you.

I want you to slice my head off with an Al Jarreau LP.

I was surprised 'cause I feel the opposite.

I work at E!

I'll fix this. No problem.

I'll give you the virtual experience, okay? How's that?

I'm a fucking inventor? I made a dick skin condom?

I'm actually doing my first on air interview today, so...

I'm gonna be a grandfather

I'm gonna be sitting there on the trampoline smoking crack.

I'm not proud of any of this, but I think we've all forgiven each other.

I'm ready to fucking rock this shit.

I've seen that,

If you guys... If you got a second to hear it.

If you saw that, like, on television, you would laugh.

Is Ben gonna come?

Is she camera ready?

Is that the sound of you puking?

It feels so... Did you puke?

It is a good plan until her water breaks all over Robert De Niro's shoes.

It's a fantasy baseball draft. I'm not cheating or anything.

It's hurting a little bit.

It's not at all.

It's not that big of a deal.

It's okay.

It's okay.

It's pretty crazy, your sister's pregnant.

Jason, you're the master.

Just keep talking.

Just tell me what to do.

Just watch your back, Serpico. You never know who your friends are.

Let's make this happen. What can we do?

Life doesn't care about your vision

Like, for example, if a woman's on top, she can't get pregnant.

Looks like no one's home.

Me, go in there? That's the last fucking place I wanna go.

Millions of people have sex when they're pregnant!

Mmm hmm.

Morning.

My shoes! Hey, there's all this baby goo on it.

Nice.

No personal questions.

No, I disagree with you. That sounds terrible.

No, I'm okay right now. Thank you.

No, this is not a disaster.

No, we're listening to Rent!

No. Wait.

Not only killing but fucking, like, taking names.

Not to give out his number, but I can help you through this.

Nothing is fine.

Now I feel guilty. I'm sorry.

Oh, fuck.

Oh, God, just do it already!

Oh, God.

Oh, hi, I'm Ben.

Oh, I think that's bad.

Oh, Munich!

Oh, my God.

Oh, no, I won't, I won't. Just tell them. They'll be cool.

Oh, no.

Oh, no. Give me more! Give me a few more!

Oh, shit, the cops.

Oh. Hey, Allison.

Okay, come on! Let's go.

Okay, guys, are you ready?

Okay, I'm sorry you're freaking out,

Okay, if this was our second date, what would you do?

Okay, let's just take a look and see what happens, okay?

Okay, maybe we can take it down just a little.

Okay, pretty baby.

Okay, you're fine, man. Take it easy.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay. All right, bye.

Okay. Nice to meet you.

Papa!

Papa.

Positive, positive, positive! Up!

Probably. I'd hide you.

Really. Just go.

See you guys later.

Seriously.

She has two kids, too.

She like the way your dick tastes.

Shh.

So he drove his car from his house to our house to have breakfast.

So here we are.

So if you want that perfect tan like the stars, he's the one to see

So that should last me for, like, I mean, I'm not a mathematician,

So we did some research.

So what happens now? I don't know how this works.

So you think I'm seeing a band, I do my fantasy draft, and it's win win.

So, awesome.

Somebody wants another piece!

Sorry, Ben.

Steve, hey. Help me out. Give me an interview, please.

Stone, you settling in okay?

Thank you. I'll take that smile as a Yes, I'll do it.

That baby's coming.

That dark sac there, that's the amniotic sac.

That sounds terrible. I don't want to do that.

That was hilarious.

That we didn't.

That would suck. I'm sorry.

That you're not in this with me!

That's our biggest problem. And I can't even accept that?

That's... That wasn't...

The belly.

The box was just empty?

There are five different types of chairs in this hotel room.

There's a guy that works for this hotel. His whole job is to find chairs.

There's no part of you that thinks that maybe he's a dirty little scumbag?

There's no shell in there, you know?

These are all the sex offenders in our neighborhood.

They are forced to point out each other's differences and flaws.

They've been saying, like, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, Ben's a prick.

Thinking we're gonna find him sleeping with a woman,

This is a big yard.

This is a tribute to my country and my countrymen.

This is better. Besides, I don't know if I have enough of these babies to go around.

This is my friend, Alex. She's a pretty incredible person.

We can just borrow yours. Is that okay?

We got a daughter! Mazel tov!

We got pink eye.

We have to help her.

We need to get things going now.

We really, really appreciate you coming, man.

We were wondering aloud to one another

We're fine. We're golden

We're gonna do a whole maternity month on E! Mommy.

Well played, sir. That was good.

Well, maybe it's 'cause Steely Dan gargles my balls.

Well, now..

Well, we wanted to talk to you today

Well, you can't eat sushi.

What are we gonna do now?

What are you doing?

What else do I have to do, I mean, besides sleep? Totally kidding.

What the fuck is she doing at the club?

What was that?

What... Tell me what to do!

What'd you do today? I just lifted my brother.

What's over?

When I was in high school, I got ran over by a postal truck.

Who needs a time machine?

Why do guys always go to that place?

Why do you say that?

Why don't you not threaten me?

Will you do me a big favor?

With emotion?

Yeah, awesome.

Yeah, I heard him.

Yeah, no, it was fun. We had a great time.

Yeah, she's happy today.

Yeah.

Yes, I do, and I won't say it for little Baby Ears over there,

Yo, a beer over here, please?

You can't smoke.

You do? No, you don't.

You gonna kill yourself?

You know what happens to these sites when they go up

You know what I think you should do?

You know what is not helping us get laid

You know what? Just say into the camera, You're watching E! Entertainment.

You know what? Let me buy it.

You know, it's like... It is like the best medicine.

You should get a shma shmortion at the shma shmortion clinic.

You think I'm trained. I'll...

You think that's gonna stop him from hitting on her?

You're beautiful.

You're just some roided out freak with a fucking clipboard!

You're our nurse?

7:30.

All right. Let's go. Okay.

Baby books. Awesome.

Best job I ever had. Like to hear it.

Bye, lovely. Bye.

Can we get out of here, please? Yeah, come on. Let's go.

Here we go. Okay. Okay.

Hey, Ben. How's it going? Yo.

Hey, Benjamin? Yeah.

I can feel it, and it's distracting. No...

I just don't like secrets. Okay.

I'm sorry, I'm sweating on you. Okay, just stop talking.

It's just fun, man. We're gonna have the best time ever.

It's really funny. Okay, I'm really excited to watch that.

Jesus. Fucking shit.

Oh, here, take mine. No, that's okay. I'll wait.

Oh, man, Munich fucking rules. Munich is awesome!

Okay, here we are. Okay.

Okay. In my pants. I have a condom.

Okay. Oh, great. Okay.

Really? Yeah.

See you, guys. See you, Ally. Bye

So you haven't seen him, though? No.

That does not work at all. No?

This is my friend, Ben. I'm Ben.

We make a good team, man. Yeah.

We'll finish talking. Yeah, yeah. Okay, go.

We're not gonna do this. What?

We're not. No.

Well, I'm not 100% sure. You're not 100 % sure.

What are you doing? I almost got it. Just give me a second.

What? It's a shame.

With who? By myself.

Yeah. Wicked. I'll show you my audition tape.

You know what I'm saying? Okay, cool.

You look relieved. I am very relieved.

'cause there's an earthquake once every 10 years?