Shrek the Halls (2007) Edit

A family, right. That's me and everybody else.

A festering bottle of stinky swamp juice

A stage where acrobats jump, leap and prance

A white Christmas! Oh, how perfect.

Absolutely not! Bad Donkey! Go home!

Actually, I think what he really wants is a nice family Christmas.

Aggh! Enough! I don't care about any of this nonsense.

Ah! Ow!

All I wanted was a nice Christmas with my family.

All right, everyone, I've had just about enough!

All right. All right.

And [sniffs] everything, and I forgot that it's...

And for mommy a kiss and a good Christmas goose

And get some tinsel and doilies and ribbons

And giving a nod Up the chimney he rose

And he stood there heroic A real Santa... Claws

And honor the day through interpretive dance

And I have no idea what it is or how to do it!

And I heard him exclaim as he drove out of sight

And if you think I'm gonna give you a present now, you are sadly mistaken!

And it's our first one together as a family. Isn't this exciting?

And now what would the perfect Christmas be without a Christmas story?

And said...

And said...

And that's exactly why we're all here! Now, come on, let's finish tellin' my story.

And then to the babies he gave One by one

And there's a cute fuzzy thing which hangs down from his hat

And yodelin' elves on an ambrosia mountain

And, you know, I just want to make sure that it's perfect.

Anyway, step five:

As it's flanked by a choir all singin' his praises

As mother and babe played kazoo in their sleep

Aw, phooey with all your sunshine and lollipops!

Aw. Would you like Daddy to finish the story for you?

Because without marshmallows, sweet potatoes are nothin'!

But I don't even know what Christmas means.

But what? This is not the kind of Christmas I had in mind.

Christmas for Village Idiots. It's all spelled out. See?

Christmas is not just about you or me. Or even the babies.

Come on, everybody, let's dance!

Come on, it's Christmas Eve! And I've brought you a little somethin'.

Come on. It's not that bad.

Comes a huge waffle Santa that's 50 feet tall

Did you hurt yourself when you fell out of heaven?

Don't ruin the surprise for her, Donkey.

Don't say another word. I know exactly what you mean.

Don't worry, if there's one thing I know, it's Christmas.

Don't worry, Shrek, everything is under control!

Don't you know this is where stockings go? You can't be hanging laundry up!

Donkey! Don't touch anything.

Donkey's right. It's Christmas Eve.

Everyone cozy and warm. Happy, happy. Voila!

Excited about Christmas and all the presents and mistletoe

Finishin' up on my Christmas display

Fiona, wait.

Fiona! What are you doing up so early?

Fiona? Where you going?

For 'twas sickeningly sweet as unicorn poop

For my perfect family perfectly. See? Family by the fire,

Get your green butt in gear and go get your marshmallows,

Gingy, cut it out! You're really givin' me the creeps!

Gingy, cut it out! You're really givin' me the creeps!

Go ahead, take a couple. I bought plenty for everybody!

He looked all around and scratched at his beard

He was dressed all in fur from his head to his paws

He wears a fine belt and a leather cravat

He's not made of waffles.

Hey, baby, you mind?

Hey. How's it goin'?

His sword is a cane that tastes like crab cake

Ho, ho, ho!

Ho, ho, ho!

Ho, ho, ho!

How am I ever gonna get this done in time?

How are you gonna have Christmas without family?

I better get back to the house.

I don't care about Christmas.

I don't feel very good. [gagging]

I got it committed to memorization!

I had everything under control until they showed up and ruined my Christmas!

I have to go. I need to apologize to our friends.

I know you're all just trying to be helpful in your own irritating fashion...

I know, Donkey, and... and I'm sorry it ended up in a great big fight.

I shouldn't have lost my temper back there.

I still don't understand why Shrek had to be so mean and cranky.

I'd better be good? How 'bout this? You better be scarce. Now go on.

I'm sorry you took getting kicked out of my house the wrong way.

I'm supposed to tell the Christmas story.

I'm surprised we have a house to go back to.

If you leave now, you can beat the holiday traffic.

Is a spectacle there that'll make your heart flutter

It's about us all bein' together, and I'm... I'm sorry, Shrek.

It's all right here. It's no problem.

It's finally here. Tomorrow's Christmas Eve! You got everything ready?

It's me. Shrek?

Just like him to wait till the last minute.

Let's put it over here. No, that is not with the feng shui.

Look, all I wanted was to make this perfect for my family,

Look, I know it didn't go like you wanted.

Magical peacocks and a dancin' roast turkey

My mama used to say, Christmas ain't Christmas till somebody cries.

No one here gives a hoot about Christmas!

No Santa, no presents, no stockings?

No, I said it was our first Christmas together as a family.

No, I'm really, really seriously not kidding.

No, no, uh, we're closing now. Merry Christmas.

No, none of that.

No, wait. What I meant to say is

Not a swamp rat did creep

Now maybe we can...

Now, missin' all this would be nothin' but tragic

Now, out in the yard in a glorious clutter

Now, the sight of the house would make any ogre droop

Now, there's somethin' more to this. Come on now, what's goin' on?

Ogres don't celebrate anything.

Ogres don't celebrate Christmas.

Oh, a family Christmas.

Oh, Christmas is all about big fights.

Oh, come on, I was just teasin'.

Oh, isn't that... nice.

Oh, man, now I'm all emotional.

Oh, nice job, honey.

Oh, no, Donkey, that's not what I meant. And get out of my chair.

Oh, no, you don't. I'm not fallin' for that again.

Oh, yeah. Ooh!

OK, all right, I just... guess I got... a little

OK, I know you're not a party person, but...

OK, I will assume the position.

OK, you a dead man. You know that, right?

OK.

On Christmas, that's how it works. Yes, it was crowded.

One: decorate house. Two: the stockings by the fireplace.

Ow! Hey! Ow!

Pigheaded? Stubborn? Mean?

Red are his boots

Shrek, I think... it's beautiful.

Shrek, you just kicked everybody out on Christmas.

Shrek, you just kicked everybody out on Christmas.

Shrek's gonna want help, my advice, and he's definitely...

Smelly Christmas to all, and to all a gross night

So despite the fact that you drive me crazy at times...

So he grabbed up his belly and screwed up his face

So here's the thing. [clears throat]

So just follow me and I'll show you the magic

So we are pigs, pigs in the blanket, ja?

Step three: the Christmas feast. Mmmm!

Surprise? Oh, I love surprises!

That transformed the place

That was a natural disaster!

That wasn't even funny! Who did that?

That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.

The children were nestled all snug in their beds

The Christmas parade comes right down the street

The foul, the vile and handsome Ogre Claus

The Night Before Christmas? That's the best Christmas story ever!

The Santa I know was a hot Latin cat

The telling of the Christmas story.

The thing is, this is my first Christmas too.

The tree goes inside the house?

Then he lost his temper like that.

There's a baton twirlin' snowman all happy and perky

There's a lot of work to do.

There's only 159 days left till Christmas, so you better be good.

There's somethin' Shrek needs to tell you.

They got you good, Shrek!

They're our friends, Shrek. They all mean well.

This is gonna be the best Christmas ever. And we're going to do it together, so come on.

This is the step that says I created the perfect Christmas

This place is worse than I thought... uh, feared.

Uh, oh, yeah! How 'bout that?

Uh, sorry, but this is my spot. I never get the good spots, so I specifically...

Uh, yeah, that. Surprised?

Um, hold that thought. I'll be right back.

Very inappropriate, amigo. Please, allow me.

Wait, wait, wait! I need your help. I have to make a Christmas,

We haven't heard a bedtime story. Right, everybody?

We tell a very different tale of the Santa Nicholas.

We were tryin' to do what you wanted us to do!

We're here to smother you with Christmas love!

Well, I must agree with the Princess. And you, especially, were no Christmas angel.

Well, maybe I am all those things, but I'm an ogre, OK?

Well, thanks for stopping by for that brief visit, but as you can see,

Well, we all did it together.

Were my sweetheart beside me in the bright Christmas lights

What I wanted was a perfect Christmas for me and my family.

When they looked at the car door handle, and they found a hook!

Where I come from, Christmas is a nightmare.

Whoa, hold up, Shrek! You mean to tell me that you never had...

Whoa! Ah!

Whoever did this means business! Get rid of all this junk

Why didn't you say so? That's super.

Will you get it through your thick head?

With 20 foot cheese balls and a big eggnog fountain

With a gleam in his eye His work here was done

With holiday floats all in silver and blue

With sugarplum fairies and a reindeer or two

With syrup and butter the sight just amazes

Yeah, well, that's a real nice way to treat your guests on Christmas!

Yeah. It's the first one with the kids.

Yes, Donkey, I'm lookin' at you.

Yes, it got a little out of hand.

Yet who was arriving to help this lost cause?

You just don't get it.

You know, Donkey, none of us really asked Shrek what he wanted.

You know, you and Shrek wanted to have a big old noisy family Christmas.

You want to give me a present? Then go away!

You're the best. Come on, let's go make some cookies.

[# Seals & Croft: Summer Breeze] [laughing]

[all shout] But just when you think the display is complete

[all] Ol? All right, everybody,

[bells jingling] Ho, ho, ho!

[crickets chirping] I have shamed myself.

[crunching] No! No! No!

[gasping] Ow! My eye!

[gasps] No nut cakes?! Donkey!

[giggling] # Make me feel fine #

[giggling] Ahem.

[glass shatters] [pig] How many babies did Fiona have?

[grunts] Wait, are you OK?

[humming Ride of the Valkyries] Ja, look at him go!

[indistinct chatter] [Shrek] Occupied!

[laughing] And eggnog! [all] And cheese!

[makes Godzilla shriek] Oh!

[pig 2] She has babies? [pig 1] Don't know.

[pig] Where are we going to put it? I don't know.

[rattling] Wha...? Oh.

[ringing] Oh, good, you're still open.

[rustling] What was that?

[screaming] Oh! Suzie!

[shouting] [giggling]

[shouting] How we gon' roast chestnuts on this little bitty fire?

[shouting] I didn't get the eggnog!

[shouting] Uh!

[Shrek] Ah! Oh! [gasps]

[Shrek] No. Trimmed stockin's

[Shrek] Ooh! Honey, is that you?

[Shrek] Yes? Come back to the party. Please?

[shrieking] [laughing]

[sighs] [clears throat]

[sighs] Don't need this. [babies giggle]

[squeals] Yeah?

[yelling] [meowing]

# And laughin' all the way # Ha ha ha! [sighs]

# And to you # # And to you #

# And to you # # And to you #

# And to you # # And to you #

# Blowing through the jasmine in my mind # [sighs]

# Come to you # # Come to you #

# Come to you # # Come to you #

# Everybody dance now # [# C+C Music Factory: Gonna Make You Sweat]

# He knows when you're awake # What are you doing here?

# Jingle bells, jingle bells Jingle all the way # Ah!

# Love and joy # # Love and joy #

# Love and joy # # Love and joy #

# Love and joy # # Love and joy #

# Love and joy # # Love and joy #

# Santa # Donkey.

# Smashing through the snow # Ah!

# Summer breeze # All clean.

# To a very happy ending # Everything looks so good!

# Your wassail too # # Your wassail too #

# Your wassail too # # Your wassail too #

# Your wassail too # # Your wassail too #

Ah, finally! [crashing]

Ah! Drop and roll, Shrek!

Ahh, I feel better now. Ooh, a chocolate chip! Mm!

And family. Yeah. And family.

And I'm the best teller ever! Donkey...

And let loose a... [loud belch]

and maybe some of those plastic reindeer. What is it you wanted today?

Apology accepted. Let's eat. Wait a minute.

Are you coming? Oh, I can hardly wait.

Ay, caramba! Uh, some people can't help being annoying.

Closed?! What do you mean? We're closed.

Come here, Shrek, gimme a hug! All right, that's close enough.

Come here, Shrek, gimme a hug! All right, that's close enough.

Come here, you. [chuckles]

Don't push your luck. [laughing]

Donkey! 51 days left till Christmas.

Donkey! Oh.

Donkey! Santa!

Dwight the Knight action figure? Marshmallows!

Ebenezer Shrek! And a Bah, humbug to you too!

Even still, Shrek didn't have to be so... What?

Excuse me. Excuse me! Excuse you for what?

Fiona, they lit me on fire! Shrek...

For you, and the babies. [sighs]

Gather round! Donkey! Wait!

Good, then go! You go and have yourself a merry Christmas,

Have a super Christmas. [moaning]

Heimlich! Ja?

Hey there, my sweeties. [belches]

Ho, ho, ho! Santa?! Ah!

I am the joy filled swine! Yay for the season of love!

I got a lot to do now, so I better get movin'. Thank you, Donkey!

I want everybody out of my house right now! [shouting]

I'm all right. [chuckles] What are you...?

It's passable. It's horrible!

It's time for lights out. Lights out? We can't go to sleep yet.

Ja. Ja.

Merry Christmas, Shrek! Oh, not you!

Merry Christmas! Well, what a nice surprise!

Mind if I cut in? Oh!

No! You mean no chestnuts,

No. Not even one?

Not a creature was stirring... What? [crashing]

Now shoo! OK, OK. But don't say I didn't say I told you so.

Oh, boy! This way, gents.

Oh, boy. [kettle whistling]

Oh, hey, what's this? Donkey, let go of the book.

Oh, perfect. I mean, how hard can it be?

Oh, Puss, not you too. In my homeland,

Oh! Ah!

Oh! Donkey! They usually toilet paper and run away.

Ooh! 425 degrees, 20 minutes per pound.

Ooh! The tea is ready. [Shrek] Out!

Or figgified your puddin'? Donkey!

or hung your chestnuts or roasted the tree? No!

Ow! Oh, boy!

Seasons greeting! Happy Holidays!

Shrek, yeah! [all shouting]

Shrek! Look,

Somebody get some water! I got it! I got it!

Sweet potatoes are nothing without marshmallows! Bye bye.

Sweetheart? [giggles] [# Journey: Don't Stop Believin']

That was our family. You call that a family?

That's all I wanted! Fine! I'm going!

there is no right way to do Christmas. You just do it. Ja, with schnitzel!

This is funny. Ja.

This Santa was suave He was nothing like that [giggling]

Uh, and Merry Christmas! All right. Merry Christmas!

Uh, I... Are you decorating?

Um, sure. Look, long story short,

Usually that someone's me. Boss,

Visions of sugarplums... Were you tellin' 'em

We could come to our house. Ja, we have plenty of schnitzel.

What are you talking about? I'm talkin' about Santa Claus!

What are you talking about? What you said this mornin'.

What's that? Step four? That's the Christmas tree!

Whoa! Oh, Gingy!

Why are you whisperin'? I'm not kiddin', Donkey. Give me the book!

Yep, that's a good one. Good night, everyone.

Yes. [giggles] Well, this is our first Christmas together as a family,

You know that's not how it goes. You weren't there!

You know, I don't remember askin' you anything! Donkey.

Your Christmas? I mean our Christmas.

...it would mean a lot to me if you'd all come back and join us.

...until they got home.

'Twas the night before Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house

'Twas the night before Christmas and I spent all the day

'Twas the night before Christmas and the prettiest sights

(giggles) Oh, Gingy, I couldn't stay mad at you.

[# Carl Orff: Carmina Burana]

[# eels: The Stars Shine in the Sky Tonight]

[# I'm From Barcelona: Here We Come Wassailing]

[# The Donnas: Chrstimas Wrapping]

[# The Fairy Tale Creatures: Deck the Halls]

[# The Waitresses: Christmas Wrapping]

[babies cooing]

[belches]

[chuckling] OK, I guess I deserved that.

[cooing]

[dance music plays]

[Donkey] And right when you think that you've just seen it all

[door closes]

[Fiona] Well, that's the last of the spare blankets.

[giggling, cooing]

[jingles]

[music plays]

[purring]

[shouting]

[Shrek] I don't think that'd be such a good idea.

[shrieks]

[sighs]

[sighs]

[sighs] I'm sorry, Princess. You're right.

[squealing, laughing]

# 'Cause it is my favorite holiday #

# 'Cause it is my favorite holiday #

# A happy new year #

# A happy new year #

# All this year's been a busy blur #

# Among the leaves so green #

# And here we come a wandering #

# And here we come a wassailing #

# And so is your beer #

# And to you #

# And to you #

# And to you your wassail too #

# And to you your wassail too #

# And we wish you #

# And we wish you #

# And, of course I am excited #

# As we all descend on Shrek's place #

# As you sit by the fire #

# Bah, humbug! No, that's too strong #

# But all this year's been a busy blur #

# But we are neighbors' children #

# Calendar picture frozen landscape #

# Caught on to what was happening #

# Chilled this room for 24 days #

# Christmas by myself this year #

# Christmas time can be so wonky #

# Christmas time can be such a hassle #

# Christmas time we're sure to be here #

# Come to you #

# Come to you #

# Completions and connections left from #

# Could've missed this one this year #

# Could've missed this one this year #

# Could've missed this one this year #

# Could've missed this one this year #

# Couldn't agree when we were both free #

# December is a lonely month #

# Didn't, of course till summertime #

# Don't stop believing #

# Don't think I have the energy #

# Eat the turkey and the cheese log #

# Encounter most interesting #

# Evergreens, sparkling snow #

# Fa la la la la La, la, la, la #

# Fa la la la la La, la, la, la #

# Fa la la la la La, la, la, la #

# Fa la la la la La, la, la, la #

# Fa la la la la La, la, la, la #

# Fa la la la la La, la, la, la #

# Fa la la la la La, la, la, la #

# Fa la la la la La, la, la, la #

# Fa la la la la La, la, la, la #

# Fa la la la la La, la, la, la #

# Fa la la la la La, la, la, la #

# Fa la la la la La, la, la, la #

# Fa la la la la La, la, la, la #

# Fa la la la la La, la, la, la #

# Fa la la la la La, la, la, la #

# Fa la la, La la la La, la, la #

# Fa la la, la la la la, la, la #

# Fill his swamp with tinsel and lace #

# Filling Shrek with lots of good cheer #

# Flashback to springtime saw him again #

# Get this winter over with! #

# Good master and good mistress #

# Guzzle punch and tea and egg nog #

# He sees you when you're sleepin' #

# I just need to catch my breath #

# In a year of lonely days #

# In the line is that guy I've been chasing all year #

# It's hard to tell which way is up #

# It's not where you're coming from #

# It's where you're going to #

# Just 'cause it's 'tis the season. #

# Last year, ski shop #

# Love and joy #

# Love and joy #

# Love and joy come to you #

# Love and joy come to you #

# Love and joy come to you and to me some waffles too #

# Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas! #

# Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas! #

# Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas! #

# Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas! #

# Most of '81 passed along those lines #

# No, this time it was me #

# Not to do too much about it #

# Now the calendar's just one page #

# Of the best barley #

# Oh, Santa #

# Oh, Santa #

# Oh, Santa Oh, Santa #

# On with the boots Back out in the snow #

# Ooh, up and down the boulevard #

# Or down or out or through the haze #

# Our wassail cup is made of #

# Out to the beach to his boat Could I join him? #

# Pray, think of us poor children #

# Push the chairs back cranks the dance tunes #

# Raise up cups of Christmas cheer #

# Seems to be against all reason #

# Shrek the halls with Puss and Donkey #

# So deck those halls trim those trees #

# So fair to be seen #

# Sunburn in the third degree #

# That beg from door to door #

# That Christmas magic's brought this tale #

# The rosemary tree #

# Then suddenly we laughed and laughed #

# To add to my already mad rush #

# To the only all night grocery #

# Tonight's the night but I've set my mind #

# Trashing Shrek's house is our pleasure #

# Wandering in the mire #

# We are the daily beggars #

# We tried, we said we'd keep in touch #

# We'll be house guests until next June #

# When what to my wondering eyes should appear #

# When your friends invade your castle #

# Whom you have seen before #

# Would've been good to go for lunch #

# Yes, we can, can, can Can, can, can, can dance #

# Your wassail too #

# Your wassail too #