Man Seeking Woman - Season 1 Edit

A amen.

A bunch of mushrooms and go to the zoo?

A few times. I swear. That's it.

A final task you must complete before you're free of Maggie.

A gentleman

A glass of water.

A good thing it's the weekend.

A grown man living

A long distance relationship for three years.

A pretty big age age difference between them?

A tall guy, pointy hat, he had a long white beard?

A true act of charity.

Aah!

Aah!

Aah!

Aah!

About being with anybody else... we were together for six years.

About starting a country based on freedom.

Actually, you know who might want it?

Adolf Hitler.

ADOLF: Be right back.

ADOLF: When I was in Austria,

After that, Maude and I

After which the whole group of us

Ah, man, I would, but I got a booty call.

Ah, you know, I think it's pretty cool

Ah!

ALL (chanting): Couple up.

All (Chanting): Dick pic!

All just go out in groups now.

All right, fine, I'll grab it. Hold...

All right, five minutes.

All right, I'm in the men's room by the urinals here.

All right, man, your dick will be

All right. I'm so proud of you!

All right. Well, you're welcome.

All right... ooh.

All you got to do is find a girl, walk up to her,

ALL: Aw.

ALL: Hey.

Amen.

An emoji.

And a little pink razor blade?

And a period after Josh.

And a wonderful boyfriend to Maude.

And a wonderful son

And frozen chimichangas.

And giving.

And he put too much.

And he take pepper flake top off,

And her boyfriend/fiancé

And how it was cool that it was the weekend.

And I asked her to have lunch with me.

And I don't want to brag

And I have to work tomorrow.

And I knew some people that went there, so then we started talking about that

And if that's not something she wants,

And is gonna explode.

And it's very late. I'm I'm done.

And my bodyguards,

And now feels like a big storm in my tummy

And now...

And one more thing.

And people think he's sketchy or whatever, but in person, he's actually pretty cool.

And references a thing from before.

And right now, Josh is in a good place.

And see if it's there?

And see if the same guy yells out lettuce.

And send her a picture of it with the caption...

And she will be warm.

And she will deserve... your love.

And show me Maude.

And still no response.

And struck up a conversation.

And take all the little bags of garbage and put them in one big bag of garbage.

And then it's booty time.

And then, I spat it out and, well,

And then, you know, eat, no, I...

And this is just gonna be an epic sing along.

And this new girl

And Tim and Tam.

And washed his private parts.

And we could get that dinner on Friday.

And we were already talking about camping

And when our dates went up to go to the...

And yet the silence continues.

And you take off yours. Okay.

And you'll do all those things, but can we just

And, you know, not enough of these, I guess.

And...

Another dinner?

Another text?

Anything else?

Anything German.

Anyway, you were, uh, saying? About being totally over Maggie?

Are going out to dinner with her cousins and their husbands,

Are going to this little out of the way gelato place

Are we paying him at all?

Are you coming?

Are you gay?

Are you...

Aren't you bored?

At the dinner.

Awesome.

Back in that era, I would say That one,

Back then, things were so passionate, they were exciting.

Back to Maude.

Back to Maude.

Balls deep, eh?

Beautiful woman's gonna walk by.

Because I know I had it with me at the urinal?

Because it was my friend Jenn's birthday

Because that lettuce stuff was so funny.

Because that was so funny.

Because you're afraid to hit on girls.

Before it's too late.

Better get hard, son. I'm getting you laid tonight.

Between a booty call and a date, right?

Big ring. Big everything.

Bit of a step up.

Blew all our minds.

Both: Thank you.

Both: Thank you.

Boyfriend, girlfriend, relationship, exclusive?

But I am.

But I have the most amazing voice,

But I know her cousins now.

But I will say

But it seems a tad wasteful.

But lately, it's gotten so mechanical.

But since she dumped him, his condition has

But there's too much demand sometimes,

But this girl tonight, what does she look like?

But where would that lead to?

But with different people.

But you can make a difference.

But you listen to me.

But, uh, I kind of think I just want to be alone right now.

But, uh, in that case, I should hit the sack...

But, uh, you owe me 30 bucks for that dram.

But, you know, not, like, crazy bad.

But...

By this point, Laura must have seen the text,

Can I use your bathroom?

Can you please fish it out for me?

Can't wait for that bruschetta.

Can't wait.

Can't... whoa!

Cancel my 2:00.

Choo choo!

Chris Schifrin?

Christ.

Come and get this. Something like that.

Come on, this way.

Come on!

Come on. Now you get it. Oh, yeah.

Cool.

Coriander...

Could drop me off in Pilsen?

Couple up!

Couple up.

Couple up.

Crawling across the rug?

D...

Date my brother.

Dear Maude...

Delicious.

Dick pic! Dick pic! Dick pic!

Did she hate the text?

Did someone say camping trip?

Did that not happen to you?

Did you shit yourself, Josh?

Did you use a line or something?

Different different web sites.

Dinner's a bigger deal because it's at night

Dio mio.

Divide and conquer.

Do I have to pray? Or is penance...

Do it! (Screaming)

Do not listen to him!

Do they all know each other?

Do they know each other?

Do you like salad?

Do you take Discover Card?

Do you want to have, like, a long, intimate conversation?

Do you want to mess around?

Do you want to take a cab back to my place?

Do you want to?

Do you want, do you want to get, uh, something else?

Does she know the Stevensons?

Does that mean she's a troll?

Does that thing actually work?

Doesn't add up.

Doesn't matter, dude. You read The Game?

Don't do it, please.

Don't know that I'm feeling...

Don't listen to him.

Don't mind me. (chuckles)

Don't worry about it. I got you, bro.

Don't worry. Still plenty of time to score.

Don't you still love me?

Down the hatch.

Dude, I'm no wizard.

Dude, it's getting..

Dude, she just totally checked you out.

Dude, this place is sick.

Dude, we drank, we ate, it is on.

Dude, where you going, man?

Dude, you know she's seeing someone, right?

Eh. Love.

Eh...

Either way, I'm proud of you, buddy.

End of the day, I go around to everybody's desk

Enough small talk!

Even if she was in the bathroom or something,

Every gash is somebody's daughter.

Everyb... But your sister's a special case.

Everything here is under control.

Everything's fine.

Exactly.

Exclamation points, in particular.

Exorcist: No! Huh?

Exorcist: Say what is you try!

Fair enough. Uh, I'm sorry, Maggie.

Fat, fat.

Father, thank God you're here

Fifty?

Five minutes.

Five minutes.

Flower for the lady?

For instance, a a long, intimate conversation..

For picking up Laura.

For the first time since we broke up,

For your endorphins and

Forty dollars.

From Sweden.

From the train.

General: Josh from the traib? What the hell's a traib?!

General: See? Already, you've failed.

Get away from her profile!

Get him out of here.

Get it in where you fit it in, dawg.

Get it off!

Get them!

Go to hell, Mom!

Go to hell.

Go, go, go, go!

Go. Go, go, go.

God, I cannot believe you got a girl's number on the train!

God, I knew she was black!

God, I'll never forget the day we found that Delia's catalogue.

Goddamn it.

Goddamn it. Damn it.

Good bye, hand.

Good bye, Josh.

Good bye, Mr. heart.

Good idea.

Good thing.

Good, how... I'm good.

Got her a ring. Secret ring.

Got water. (Chuckles)

Gotta destroy it. Now.

Gravy!

Grazie... Or, um...

Great meeting you.

Great meeting you.

Great meeting you. Come get this.

Guess who.

Guess who.

Guess, uh... guess that's that.

Haunted? Maggie's still alive.

Have a great night. Good luck.

Have you ever seen a more heartbreaking sight?

Have you used any of these terms:

Having a good night.

He couldn't hear you.

He doesn't understand.

He eats bugs and little fruit.

He famously hates ****.

He had a funny little idea

He had a good night. Ooh.

He he murdered millions of people.

He just had it memorized.

He might have been '08, actually.

He says there is

He smells like shit.

He subsists on a diet of ramen, weed,

He was hilarious. He did Tina Turner, Gladys Knight.

He wasn't a wealthy man

He's 126.

He's 150 years old

He's been hiding in Argentina since, like, the '40s.

He's been wearing the same pair of pants for a decade. He has

He's cute, he's fuzzy.

He's dead.

He's just obsessed with these, uh...

He's lying!

He's on a very specific diet.

He's wearing a Robert Graham shirt, I mean...

He's wearing the sweater.

Hello, Joshie.

Hello.

Hello.

Here goes nothing.

Here it goes

Here you are.

Here, wear this.

Here's a flower for you.

Here's your seat.

Hey, A.H.

Hey, buddy, how do you think I feel?

Hey, come on!

Hey, come on...

Hey, do you want to go out to dinner sometime?

Hey, here are your dicks.

Hey, hey, wow, sorry.

Hey, hi.

Hey, hon?

Hey, how are you?

Hey, how'd your date go, buddy?

Hey, is that a framed photo

Hey, it's Josh.

Hey, Josh, are you lost?

Hey, let's go out.

Hey, relax, my man.

Hey, uh...

Hey, what? I I can do both those.

Hey, what's your deal? Wh What does that even mean?

Hey, you're having sex.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey. (sniffs)

Hey. Hey.

Hey. How's it going? Hey.

Hi, gang.

Hi, hey.

Hi, Josh!

Hi, Laura,

Hi, Laura, it's Josh from the train.

Hi, Laura, it's Josh from the train.

Hi.

Hi. Hi, gang.

Hi. Hi. Hey.

Hi. Hi. Hey.

Hi. Uh... hi.

His name was George Washington.

Hitler ain't got shit on you, dude.

Hmm.

Hold on. Wait a minute. Stop.

Hold that. Uh, hey, I'm Josh.

Holy Moses. Yeah, okay, let's let's get in there.

Holy shit!

Hopefully, it'll fit

How 'bout this, dude?

How are you in the chair?

How did this get so serious?

How do I get out of this?

How how is it so easy for you to talk to these girls?

How long has this been going on?

How'd it go with that drunk chick?

How'd you manage it?

How's everything?

Huh?

Huh?

Huh?

Huh? Capisce?

Huh.

Hurry. Hurry.

I actually have my own plans this evening.

I actually have to deal with garbage quite frequently.

I am very disappointed in you, Joshie.

I appreciate this so much.

I brought you a sun visor.

I can't believe I'm defending myself to you.

I can't say that. That seems a bit aggressive.

I can't wait

I can't. I'm sorry. Uh, no. Oh, yeah?

I can't. Uh, so... yeah.

I can't...

I did it once, back when I was reading law at Cambridge.

I did. I I am here.

I didn't... Who invited you here anyway?

I don't have anything else. (Booming sound)

I don't know that I want a girlfriend, okay?

I don't know. It seems kind of sketchy.

I don't see it.

I don't still love her. I am totally over her.

I don't think I can.

I don't... what stuff?

I expected a lot more.

I forgot my credit card at the bar.

I got it.

I got it.

I got to see what it's like to be you.

I gotta... say something.

I guess I have to reply LOL.

I have a family emergency.

I have a secret weapon:

I have high hopes that this was going to happen.

I have sex with women.

I have something to say.

I I am the drunk boy. Listen, this is

I I appreciate... I needed to hear that.

I I don't know what I'm doing.

I I don't know.

I I don't know. I just walk up to them and say random stuff.

I I got this.

I I I don't know.

I I In my temp job,

I I just don't like Adolf Hitler.

I I just... I'm, like... I'm 27. Why?

I I know of him. I thought he died, like, years ago.

I I think I need another opinion.

I I will... I will have...

I I... Like, I I can't help but feel

I I'll just... I can just watch you eat.

I I'm... this has never...

I I've never seen that before in my life.

I Isn't there, like,

I jumped the gun.

I just don't get it. I'll let you go.

I just don't think

I just got her business card.

I just got out of a long term relationship.

I just got out of a very long term thing.

I just meant whoever's at the bar.

I just wrestled a pit bull for a shit covered dick.

I knew a Jake Franklin.

I know he'd be happy to see you.

I know he's got a weird rep,

I know what a wizard looks like.

I know what you guys are trying to do, so...

I know you like her. You should be dating her.

I know, also it was just lunch.

I know, I know... roses.

I landed on my back, and I guess my mouth was open,

I like it. That's pretty good, yeah.

I like what we have.

I look forward to meeting the elusive Maude

I love you, Joshie.

I love you.

I love you.

I mean, C Craigslist.

I mean, I I know he's, um, more successful than me.

I mean, I've only been with one other guy.

I mean, if you're out.

I mean, it's just weird to think

I mean, Maggie's only 27.

I mean, that seems, like... kind of sketchy.

I mean, they must have secret scripts somewhere.

I mean, yeah, no, me, same.

I miss you.

I noticed you were, uh, rummaging around in the, uh, garbage, there.

I picked it out of the catalog.

I read in a magazine that young people

I really like this girl, I don't want to blow it.

I see no dicks, my friend.

I still have Isaac Newton.

I talked you up, okay?

I think a thank you might be in order.

I think I need another opinion.

I think maybe she gets it.

I think maybe you should head out, buddy.

I think that's everyone that was just here.

I think they've subsided. I...

I think they've subsided. I...

I think you guys would be cool together.

I thought you said that was everything.

I told you, Mom, I'm not not using the Discover anymore.

I turned it

I understand completely.

I want information now.

I want more than this.

I want that.

I want this...

I want to play guitar. I want to work a loom.

I want to text Laura, but I I don't know what to say.

I was just gonna ask you, a are you having an okay time?

I was rocking a Jamiroquai hat.

I wasn't quite sure when to bring this up,

I would deploy

I would... I would suggest 50.

I wouldn't have set you up with Gorbachaka if I didn't think it was a good match.

I, uh, I kind of felt the same way.

I... allow me.

I... different grips.

I... I think you might be right.

I... I... a well placed kitten, actually, could...

I... I'm sorry, Liz.

I'll check the... I'll check the lost and found.

I'll just masturbate.

I'll just masturbate. (Talking over each other)

I'm 27, I should probably have my own credit card by now.

I'm actually over Maggie.

I'm an acquaintance of one of his brothers.

I'm calling from the MacArthur Foundation.

I'm fairly well versed in you.

I'm going home. Come on.

I'm going out with Laura.

I'm I'm on the south side of the park.

I'm I'm running shit.

I'm I'm tired, and I'm broke,

I'm I'm with a girl, and she wants to have sex with me!

I'm *******.

I'm *******.

I'm just an ordinary guy.

I'm just gonna be, uh, running loops.

I'm just happy it's over.

I'm kind of happy just being...

I'm not drunk. No, I I, uh...

I'm not even Facebook friends with her.

I'm not jealous, Aja.

I'm not the one that you should apologize to.

I'm not the one you should apologize to.

I'm not the one you should apologize to.

I'm pleased to announce that you shall be receiving

I'm saying I've never met one.

I'm sick of it. I I want to see what's out there.

I'm sorry, did you just say dick pic?

I'm sorry, Gorbachaka.

I'm sorry, Hit...

I'm sorry, Hitler!

I'm sorry, Hitler.

I'm sorry, I thought you knew.

I'm sorry, is that a problem?

I'm sorry, Josh. I'm leaving.

I'm sorry, ma'am.

I'm sorry. Ow, ow! Ow!

I'm sorry. Thank you.

I'm starting to think that you don't want to go in there.

I'm Tom, T O M.

I'm your little girl. Would I never not tell you?

I've got it.

I've got to go.

I've heard so much about you.

If you can't do spiral eyes, how do you hit on girls?

If you're really over Maggie, why do you still have her stuff?

In abject squalor.

In my face.

In Northbrook!

In the cash register for you tomorrow.

In the center of my body.

In the living room to get some

In which you reference something

Into... into a V.

Is a number two.

Is everything okay?

Is gonna be stinky.

Is good... and fine.

Is if you go to the bar and talk to them.

Is it all groups now?!

Is it, is it... H how is it?

Is now an angel.

Is that a dog?

Is that champagne?

Is that true?

Isaac Newton.

Isn't your place north, babe?

It can mean a lot of different things.

It is on.

It is on.

It lets you fake your own death.

It smells like curry.

It was romantic but secret.

It was so cool.

It wasn't like you were using it.

It will be cute!

It, um, tastes kind of bitter.

It's a combination sun hat and visor.

It's a crazy thing.

It's a good thing it's the weekend.

It's a piece of garbage. Nobody wants it, Josh!

It's a romantic comedy.

It's a terrible, terrible idea. All right.

It's a..

It's already pretty late.

It's also has...

It's also there were..

It's been almost 15 seconds since Josh texted Laura,

It's been over a minute.

It's clever, it's quirky...

It's cool, man. This one's on me.

It's definitely... Oh, y y yeah.

It's easy... just go up to them and be, like,

It's fine.

It's gonna mean a lot to them.

It's got mint in it

It's in the...? Oh, man.

It's insane.

It's Josh from the train.

It's Josh from the train.

It's Josh...

It's just a matter of time.

It's just one seat.

It's like a vagina party out there

It's like we're just going through the motions.

It's not a bad turnout, I guess.

It's not aggressive enough, man.

It's not for at least two, two and a half years.

It's not here.

It's November 12.

It's old fashioned.

It's on the floor, man, I can't pick it up.

It's one... Yeah, okay, it's just...

It's pretty pathetic.

It's really good.

It's really not that serious; we just started

It's really sweet.

It's sex!

It's so... It's so crazy.

It's the same thing every time.

It's your stranger from the train. (Gasps)

It's, uh, almost everything.

It's, uh, Prosecco, Maggie's favorite.

It's, uh, you know, it's pretty, uh, crazy that we, uh, met on the train.

It's, uh...

J Jerry Maguire.

J Jerry Maguire.

Jan, he makes a joke.

Jared! Come on!

Jerk off a little bit to make it hard,

Josh, are you okay?

Josh, be careful.

Josh, the only way you're gonna 69 with some flat chested skanks

Josh, there's, like, so many guys like Mike running around.

Josh, uh...

Josh, you're not making a great impression here.

Josh: Great meeting you.

JOSH: Hi, Tom.

Josh: Laura Ferber, Marketing Liaison.

JOSH: Oh, mazel tov.

Josh: Oh, my God. Okay, delete, delete, delete, delete, delete.

Josh: Okay

Josh: Okay, okay.

Josh: Okay, well, let's let's run with that, then.

JOSH: Pound, four three four two.

Josh: Send, damn you. Send, damn you.

JOSH: Thanks, buddy.

Josh: Uh, yeah? You don't want to stick together?

Josh!

Josh!

Josh! This is for Josh. Uh.

Josh?

Josh...

Josh...

Joshie!

Joshua, want to have a little look at yourself moment?

Just a cute framed picture

Just don't look at her profile!

Just dropping in like this.

Just lame. Just lame.

Just let me keep this one thing.

Just maybe taking a yoga class.

Just never text her again.

Just one, uh, second!

Just stay the course.

Just walked up to a random girl and been like,

Just wanted to make sure he had his order.

Kind of a...

Kind of embarrassing, but I lost my dick,

Knew people at Bard. Talked about people who went to Bard.

Knows how to play almost every Train song on the guitar

KURT: Yeah, it's like, Slow it down,

L Like Adolf Hitler?

Land ho!

Last chance.

Laura: Okay, bye.

Learn sign language.

Leo proposed to Liz!

LEO: Oh. Of course.

Let go. Let go. Let go. Give me the... give me that thing!

Let me introduce you to everyone.

Let things cool down a bit.

Let's get you in here.

Let's just pound this postmodern epic. Five minutes.

Let's not be smart or funny or quirky.

Let's pack it up, people.

Let's pull down our pants,

Let's split it.

Like I'm the only single person here tonight.

Like if there's something going on in the news.

Like something from a romantic comedy.

Like, do you think that that...

Like, I looked at her eyes

Like, I think he literally might have shit himself.

Like, I'm going to start going to improv all the time.

Like, it's just like it's off my shoulders.

Like, right now, man

Like, this one time we did karaoke.

Like, you're gonna find someone super wonderful,

Little dirty man.

Liz, I really don't think this is necessary.

Liz: Hey, get him out of here! Text jk!

LIZ: Hope you don't mind me

Liz: It's in all caps

Liz: No jokes. No references

Liz: Oh, it's so slow

Liz: What's he doing?

Liz: Would you do me the honor

Liz.

Logging into my account...

Long story short, it's in the toilet.

Look, he speaks!

Look!

Look.

Lots of, uh, milk, and, uh, it was a very positive experience.

M A U D E.

M Maggie, hey, it's it's it's me.

Maggie might want it. Let me just call her.

Maggie won it for me at a, uh, fair.

Maggie's stuff, or else you will never move on

Make it stop.

Make no mistake, dating my brother would be

Man Seeking Woman 01x01 Lizard

Man, last night was sick!

MAN: Good morning, Joshua.

MAN: No, no, no.

Man: Sir?

Man's voice: don't you even think about it!

Maude and I are so not a thing,

Maude Metzger.

Maude, I gotta,

MAUDE: I brought a tambourine for the sing along!

MAUDE: I didn't know if you wanted a sun hat

MAUDE: Josh, are you in there?

MAUDE: Josh? Can I come in?

Maybe if you came to visit more!

Maybe not gonna take a day.

Maybe not gonna take a week. A couple months.

Maybe she doesn't want to seem too overeager.

Maybe she's born with it. (Laughs)

Maybe she's in the shower.

Maybe something about a young lady?

Maybe we should hang out this weekend?

Maybelline.

Me and this banging little skank tore

Me, same.

Metzger?

MIKE (whispering): Dude, don't worry.

Mike, you really didn't have to hire an exorcist, man.

Mike: Come on. What service do you have?

MIKE: Josh, this is Aja. Aja, Josh.

Mike: Look at us!

MIKE: Robert Graham, contrasting cuffs.

MIKE: That is cool.

MIKE: Tinder is like Facebook, but it's just, like, straight to smashing.

Mike: What is that thing?

Mike: You must get rid of all of

Mm hmm.

Mm.

Mmm, mmm. (Grunting)

Mmm.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Mmm. That's... I will try.

Mom, it's really... it's not a big deal.

Mom, proud mom.

Mom, they're so adorable.

MOM: Our tables were right next

Must love dogs.

Mwah.

My brother I was telling you... I was telling you about.

My Dell.

My friend is dead!

My friend Mike...

My life is amazing!

My relationship with Dolfy has nothing to do with you.

My son's new girlfriend

Nah, he faked that. Yeah.

Nah. It sounds like your walls are whispering, Maggie.

Neato.

Neither can I. I've, like, never done that before.

New and improved Josh. Bright and early.

Next stop, dinner!

Nice nice to meet you.

No

No condoms tonight. Mm, mm

No education and can barely read or write.

No wonder you were scared to come in here, man. Ooh.

No, he he did. He...

No, I didn't know that.

No, I don't know that guy.

No, I just... I'm saying...

No, I... If you look at the data,

No, I'm not bored.

No, is your back supported?

No, it... she's not black.

No, it's fine, it's, um...

No, it's not.

No, Mom, no!

No, no, come in here. Come...

No, no, I just, uh, saw her

No, no, no, no, man, I need it right now.

No, no, no, no! (shouting)

No, no, no! (shouting)

No, no, no. Just, um, uh...

No, no.

No, there's Wagner.

No, you you go first.

No, you you make a fair point.

No! Don't respond to anything, okay?

No! No, no, no! Just get rid of it, man!

No.

No.

No.

No.

No.

No. Josh...

No. No, it it's definitely good crazy.

No. No, that's...

No. No, this is..

No. No. No. No.

No. Would you just mind your own business?

No...

Nobody turned in any dicks. Sorry, buddy.

None of those.

Not at all.

Not forward enough?

Now it's like Basic Instinct.

Now, tell me how to sign onto Facebook

Now, you are gonna

Number?

O okay, guys, that's...

Of course you do.

Of course, what... What? What's up?

Of course.

Of course.

Of course. That was fun.

Of joining me for dinner this Friday's eve?

Of the, um, other foods?

Of you and Maggie spookily coming to life?

Of you to come tonight.

Oh

Oh

Oh, '07.

Oh, Chris Schifrin. Yeah, I think I had an anthro class with him.

Oh, cool, you know him.

Oh, dear God.

Oh, finally.

Oh, finally. Josh Greenberg?

Oh, for...

Oh, God.

Oh, God. Mr. heart...

Oh, good news.

Oh, good. That's that's what's most important.

Oh, great!

Oh, hey, do you think you guys

Oh, hey, uh, Leo, I didn't, uh, realize you were in town.

Oh, I want it. Come on.

Oh, I'd like to, Mom. I really would.

Oh, I'll have to see that one.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, is that, is that Prosecco?

Oh, it's just all wrong.

Oh, Josh, you're drunk.

Oh, let's just get up to the party.

Oh, look at this plant. That's you.

Oh, man,

Oh, man, it's super late already.

Oh, man.

Oh, Mike. Wow. Let's see.

Oh, my God, no, no, no. I didn't mean it like that.

Oh, my God, read it to me.

Oh, my God, thank God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. This is... this...

Oh, my God...

Oh, my God...

Oh, my God...

Oh, my God...

Oh, my gosh, Josh, this is such a perfect idea

Oh, n n n no, please, I'm, uh, a gentleman

Oh, never mind. That's a cell phone charger.

Oh, nice.

Oh, no, it's going north.

Oh, no.

Oh, okay, I understand.

Oh, okay.

Oh, okay.

Oh, please, please

Oh, right.

Oh, she's a doll!

Oh, shit.

Oh, sure.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, that stinks.

Oh, that was my favorite one. Aah!

Oh, that's a terrible way to drink beer.

Oh, they look so good together, they look so good.

Oh, this is so easy. Mmm.

Oh, this is the worst night ever.

Oh, this is your old bedroom, sweetie.

Oh, um,

Oh, um, I have a business card. Sorry.

Oh, what kind of beer would you like?

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Oh, wrong answer.

Oh, yeah, 'cause apparently he missed me or something.

Oh, yeah, just a... Just a minute!

Oh, yeah, of course, yeah, right right there.

Oh, yeah, uh, that's that's also what I forgot.

Oh, yeah. No, I know... it's it's a terrific story.

Oh, yeah. Yep.

Oh, yes, it is. Would you like some?

Oh, yes, you can.

Oh, you don't act... oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh. (laughs)

Oh. (Laughs)

Oh. Come on!

Oh. Good.

Oh. Yeah.

Oh...

Oh... I'm out.

Oh... wait, okay. D don't go. Please, we can...

Oh... well, whatever.

Okay, (Stammers)

Okay, all right. Uh, thank you

Okay, fine, no... No punctuation.

Okay, I know what I sound like.

Okay, I think I got it. Can I read it to you? Uh huh.

Okay, if you want to visit Newton,

Okay, it went through

Okay, okay. We we just hooked up

Okay, see, this is what I'm talking about.

Okay, thank thank you.

Okay, uh, can can you check the men's room,

Okay, uh, we'll be in touch.

Okay, um...

Okay, well, I just got a number from Laura...

Okay, well, I... I really, really need it,

Okay? We're we're just two people who fell in love.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay. Hey.

Okay. Okay, all right.

Okay. Okay, okay. I'm in.

One day you will find a beautiful woman.

One day you're up, and then you're down.

One hell of a text.

One of our annual rewards.

One second, there's this weird guy. He just asked me what's my deal.

One second.

One size fits all.

Only one slight problem:

Ooh, it's on.

Ooh, she's as cute as a button!

Ooh, shh. Yeah. Caption...

Ooh, two clusters, divide and conquer.

Ooh. Oh, gosh. Okay.

Or a famous man

Or a visor, so I got both.

Or cool.

Or do you just say, uh, uh,

Or I guess it's more like

Or if there's a song playing, I'll reference the song.

Or interesting...

Or or that time on the bus on the

Or smart or strong...

Or unique

Or, like, um...

Or, uh, current events.

Or... or... or any weekend.

Our research indicates

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow...

Ow!

Ow! Ow ow ow ow... Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!

P... Yeah?

P... Yeah?

Panicking like a bunch of frightened children.

PATTI: I'm torturing Josh!

PATTI: Mom's always the last to know.

PATTI: Ooh, she grew up

PATTI: There's my girl!

Perhaps a crying

Perhaps it's fate that today is the fourth of July.

Pick this up in, like, three and a half to four minutes time?

Please call his number today and date my brother.

Please don't.

Please help. There's no one on Earth more desperately

Please light the pyre.

Please, please, please, please.

Please. Oh, for God's sakes.

Pound a 10,000 piece Jigsaw puzzle first.

Pound, four three four two.

Pretty cool.

Put your butt on my face.

Really can't believe you actually did it.

Really nothing to tell.

Really?! (stammers)

Remember, we said,

Right now things are bleak.

Right this way, sweetheart.

Right.

Robert Graham, contrasting cuffs.

S01E02 Traib

S01E03 Pitbull

Saw this young woman I recognized from section,

Say hi, do spiral eyes, ask her her name,

Scientist: Okay... You talked about the weather...

Seal the deal, Josh.

See?

See? She's in the Dumpster.

Self love.

Send her a picture of your penis.

Send Laura a dick pic.

Sex doesn't necessarily have to involve a penis.

She hated the text... she's never gonna respond.

She just texted a... kind of a joke.

She seems so nice.

She was born in the Scandinavian forest.

She will continue to haunt you as long as you still still love her.

She's drinking antifreeze.

She's gonna be like...

She's gonna think we're crazy.

She's not in the goddamn shower.

She's right there, see? In the Dumpster.

She's that thing across the street in the garbage?

She's writing back, she's responding.

Shit!

Shit!

Shit! Think, think, think, think, think

Should I be in the center?

Sir? If I may...

Skate, you... skate, you lazy...

Small world.

So did I.

So did I.

So great to hear from you.

So if you guys just want to pack it up, that's...

So if you want to finish the last two episodes...

So now

So she could run her nonprofit. And live underneath the Wabash Bridge.

So what... what should I write, then?

So your mother tells me you've got a new lady friend.

So, anything exciting happen lately?

So, can you just take a look

So, oldie but a goodie Sara, what...

So, one one cosmo.

So, uh, dude,

So, uh, what's your name?

So, you can't do spiral eyes?

So...

Somehow he has a penis now!

Something wrong? You said she was from Sweden?

Something... yeah, something like that.

Sorry for, uh, calling out of the blue like this.

Sorry. Excuse me?

Sort of sitting here, getting to know each other.

Spectral voice: Maggie...

Spectral voice: Maggie...

Spinning hypnotic spirals. Right. Spiral eyes.

Spiral eyes. You know, it's how you get girls to like you.

Split off from the herd, go to an improv show,

Stare over here.

Steadily declined.

Stop it! Out of the mouth!

Stuff like that.

Suck him off, man! Finish him off!

Suck it! (Screams)

Suck that dick...

Supply and demand,

T Tickets are very expensive this time of year.

Take out our dick,

Tam, would you join me in the bathroom

Teach me how to do, uh, spiral eyes.

Tell me every last detail about you

Tell you what. I'm gonna start it off.

Terrible way to drink beer. Ugh.

Terrible way to drink beer. Ugh.

Text jk

Text jk!

Text jk.

Text, dinner, text, dinner!

TGIF.

TGIS

Th the things, th the little bubbly things!

Thank thank you.

Thank you for joining me for dinner.

Thank you, thank you.

Thank you, thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you. (Door opens over phone)

Thank you. Thank you, Liz. I appreciate that.

Thank you. Um...

Thank you. We we all, we all sent

Thank... thank you.

Thanks for this.

That can be more sensual than any penetrative act.

That dinner was so awkward

That doesn't matter.

That guy that yelled out lettuce was a plant?

That is an oldie but a goodie.

That is just disgusting.

That Maggie related?

That she's dating him, of all people?

That That's the direction I'm going in.

That was Mike and Josh. ♪ You stay behind. ♪

That was my Tinder.

That was the last of it.

That was, like, a lot of pressure.

That was, like, oh, my asshole and my throat touched

That women enjoy texts

That you talked about before.

That's a classy problem to have.

That's a floating, uh, framed photo of

That's classic Liz. She's always trying to...

That's meant to be impossibly cute.

That's nice, I like that.

That's not bad.

That's not gonna happen, man.

That's pretty good, right?

That's really cute.

That's right. That's right. There's one in our midst.

That's smart and funny

That's that's, uh, the old pipes.

That's the good old days. No apps for that.

That's the man.

That's why you don't know anything.

The coolest part is that

The day I hit puberty, a wizard appeared and taught me.

The easy way.

The fact that it was a weekend...

The fact that you were on a train..

The goal isn't texts and dinners!

The hell?

The helping me to shit?

The laptop, the lubriderm. I'm bored.

The MacArthur board members were all wondering,

The point is I just, I can't take this anymore.

The text went through.

The text, above all, ought to be cute.

The TV's on the fritz!

Then it flew in the air.

Then it flew in the air.

Then who was it?

Then you don't owe her anything.

There are many ways for you to be erotic with your partner.

There is a compact disc player.

There is a compact disc player.

There there is plenty for everyone.

There was a farmer from Virginia.

There you are.

There you go.

There's a Jew at Hitler's party.

There's a lot of Jakes.

There's a smell to it.

There's just no way to know.

There's nothing semen about this.

There's only one way to find out.

There's still plenty of girls left.

There's this girl, Sara... she is all over me.

There's tons of vitamins in pizza, man.

These dating apps.

These... girls like this don't get with guys like me.

They call them matches because they match. Look at a...

They would take her and they would put her in my bed.

Think, Josh, think.

This doesn't usually happen to me. Uh...

This Friday?

This guy spends just hours trolling the Internet...

This guy, Adolf.

This is a date, isn't it?

This is a mitzvah you've done. I just, uh...

This is fun. I think I think...

This is gonna be super awkward.

This is Josh's mother

This is my brother Josh.

This is my stop.

This is Patti.

This is prewar.

This is, like, a woman of substance.

This is, uh, it's kind of nice.

This just isn't working for me

This little number.

This this little reptile.

This Tinder stuff,

This woman has brought herself up from nothing.

This...

Through a ten pack of condoms.

Through the boxers, fully erect,

To help me with the the the the...

To me, the course of action is clear.

To meet you!

To send her a picture of my dick.

To smashing? Yeah.

To the bathroom real quick? Just two secs.

Today let's not be coy

Told me you really hit it off with Maude

TOM: Promotion after promotion.

True, but you don't think it's a little strange

Twelve dollars?!

Twelve dollars.

Two other... two other people that were in love.

Two two... Come here...

Type that, 'cause that's better than this Friday's eve.

Ugh

Ugh.

Ugh.

Ugh...

Ugly, fat.

Uh huh.

Uh oh!

Uh oh!

Uh oh!

Uh oh.

Uh, at least a month.

Uh, barkeep? That'll be, uh, two Cosmos.

Uh, can I get you something to drink or...

Uh, can you bring me a wet towel?

Uh, come over.

Uh, da, da, uh, we need to eat something, I think.

Uh, do you know,

Uh, don't know if we should keep...

Uh, don't worry about it.

Uh, father, thank you.

Uh, for what?

Uh, he says you're being haunted by your ex girlfriend

Uh, how, uh..

Uh, I I said something about, uh, how it's the weekend

Uh, I I slipped on your dick.

Uh, I know his brother.

Uh, I think Maggie's code is four something.

Uh, I'm really tired tonight

Uh, I'm sorry?

Uh, it it's the weekend.

Uh, it's pretty crazy what's happening in the news, huh?

Uh, Josh Greenberg.

Uh, just one one second!

Uh, M Maggie.

Uh, no,

Uh, okay, cool.

Uh, sh she doesn't come.

Uh, so what are what are their names?

Uh, so what are what are their names?

Uh, sorry, man, we're going in opposite directions

Uh, spiral something. Something with spiral?

Uh, Ted Kasden?

Uh, th them?

Uh, thank thanks, Tom.

Uh, that's a bit different.

Uh, that's very nice of you,

Uh, the date didn't really go very well.

Uh, then I found out she found went to Bard,

Uh, this is going south, right?

Uh, this is Kurt and Katie.

Uh, uh, Hi, Laura, it's Josh from the train.

Uh, uh, uh, uh, come on.

Uh, unable to move on...

Uh, wh what's your deal?

Uh, what what class did you say you were in again?

Uh, what's your deal?

Uh, y yeah. I guess.

Uh, yes?

Uh, you know what?

Uh, you proved the old fashioned way still works.

Uh.. what... uh...

Uh...

Uh...

Uh...

Uh...

Uh... I... uh, sorry.

Uh... Maude, I don't think

Uh... oh, my God.

Uh... okay, and you're gone.

Uh... okay.

Uh... uh...

Um, '07, '07.

Um, because it's Saturday.

Um, how about we split it?

Um, I think I'll switch to beer.

Um, Krystal, I I'm sorry.

Um, that's okay, actually,

Um, you can just throw that down

Um...

Um...

Um... it's...

Um... she might not be my type.

Um... Sleepless in Seattle.

Um... you... wait, wait, let's just, uh,

Very bad idea. Do you know what it's like,

Very immature.

Very, very biblical.

Violinist: Uh, Joshua?

Wah wah face or a winky kitten.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Let's just pregame first.

Wait, who's Maggie? That kind of thing.

Wait, you mean the genius grant?

Wait. Uh, may maybe it rolled onto the floor.

Wait. Uh, okay.

Want to get dinner

Want to get dinner Friday?

Want to get dinner Friday?

Was the text too forward?

Wasn't exactly an expert in the fine art of flushing

We called it Mr. heart, 'cause he's a little heart.

We can send a normal text

We can try new things, we can spice it up.

We did it.

We have a lot of ideas.

We have pierogi for dinner,

We have to get out of the city!

We have to pretend we were just kidding.

We have to save face.

We have, um, R&B,

We kind of e mailed each other before we kissed.

We need to talk.

We need... we need to get out of here.

We never finished Carnivàle,

We should go camping this weekend.

We still haven't caught up.

We want sex!

We were gonna nurse him back to health together.

We were on mushrooms.

We... we have no idea why.

We'll just go to church or something.

We'll just pound these beers real quick and then we'll go, okay?

We'll leave you two alone.

We're gonna do it the hard way.

We're here.

We're right for each other.

We've given you plenty of time.

Wedding.

Well well, Chris Schifrin.

Well, how did you learn to do that?

Well, I didn't... you know, I... It wasn't a pick up,

Well, I don't care... this is clearly not gonna work.

Well, I would, but the thing is, last guy in here

Well, I'll, uh, I look forward to doing business.

Well, it's just a normal thing, like someone would say.

Well, it's never gonna happen, is it, man?

Well, put it on the Discover Card.

Well, the same way everybody learns.

Well, then, we need to know right now!

Well, to be honest, I, uh...

Well, uh, they're giving me a bit more to do at work.

Well, we did it.

Well, what did you say to her? How did you start it?

Well, what does hooking up mean?

Well, you know,

What a ten feels like.

What about dating?

What about Jake, uh, Jake Barnes?

What about that pink razor

What an awful...

What are the odds that they both like salad?

What are you talking about?!

What are... what are some things I said to Laura on the train?

What can I say about Josh?

What did you say?

What does it all mean?

What happened to America?

What happened to us?

What happened?

What happened?

What pyre?

What the...?

What the...?

What was all that? (Dog whimpering)

What what did you just say?

What what... what does it do?

What, pathetic?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What? How do... You know about that?

What? Um...

What? Wait, what what's happening?

What? What what do you mean?

What? When?

What? Would you like to go out to dinner sometime?

What?!

What... oh, man.

What... uh, now?

What's good... What's the spot...

What's he saying?

What's next, semicolons and footnotes?

What's that about? Seems weird.

What's up, girl?

What's wrong with being young and just messing around?

Whatever... You must sex... new woman.

When can I meet her?

When does she come?

When Harry met Sally

When Josh was dating Maggie, he ate regular meals

When she sees them bury you, she'll get it.

When she sees you're not responding, she'll get it.

When she sees your corpse, she will get it.

Whenever the time is right.

Whenever you're ready.

Where am I?!

Where is it? Where is it? Where is it?!

Where is Laura?

Where should I be? Okay. Ow!

Whew!

Whew.

Which wasn't even in the karaoke book.

Who is he?

Who wants some of this?

Who's there?

Whoa, whoa... why don't you go running with me tomorrow?

Whoa! No, no, no!

Whoa.

Whoa. Oh, my..

Whoa. That's, uh...

Why didn't you just tell me that?

Why do I need to settle down?

Why not?

Why why are you being mysterious?

Why why are you with this guy?

Why, uh...

Will it work?

With a quarter in the frame to show its size.

Woman's voice: Josh.

Work the shaft, Josh

Would you join me

Would you join me in the kitchen to help me with the food?

Would you like some wine?

Wow, thank you. Thank you

Wow, this is so cool.

Wow.

Wow. I...

Xander,

Y you can stop.

Yeah

Yeah, ew.

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, fair enough.

Yeah, hugely small.

Yeah, I don't... I don't, uh, I don't know

Yeah, I get it, yeah.

Yeah, I I don't know, man. Bars aren't really my thing.

Yeah, I I don't really want to talk about it that much, so...

Yeah, I know.

Yeah, I say, put my butt on your face.

Yeah, I'm just at this club, it's really nice.

Yeah, I'm pretty psyched about it.

Yeah, I'm throwing a huge party.

Yeah, it's a really bad idea.

Yeah, it's a really bad idea.

Yeah, just let me..

Yeah, oh, y you definitely do.

Yeah, okay.

Yeah, okay.

Yeah, okay. You keep saying that

Yeah, that's... That's good.

Yeah, then why do you still have her stuff?

Yeah, there's a couple dicks in here.

Yeah, touch it. Touch it. Touch it, yeah.

Yeah, uh, I don't, I don't, I don't really want

Yeah, very similar.

Yeah, we we need fuel for dancing and flirting.

Yeah, well, that that... Welcome to my life.

Yeah, why not?

Yeah, y y yeah

Yeah, yeah, I don't know what to do with that information.

Yeah, yeah! Oh, yeah! (Josh gagging)

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Fair enough.

Yeah!

Yeah?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. (Both moaning)

Yeah. (chuckles)

Yeah. Hey!

Yeah. Hi there. Hi.

Yeah. It's gross.

Yeah. Just came in for the weekend. I had to see

Yeah. Just hurry. Go.

Yeah. Oh. Filled her up with my milk.

Yeah. Turns you pale, stops your pulse.

Yeah. Um...

Yeah. Yeah, my sister's setting me up with her friend

Yeah... oh.

Yep.

Yes, like, uh, um...

Yes, sir.

Yes, th that's a romantic comedy.

Yes, yes.

Yes!

Yes.

Yo, dude. You want to do

You are one tough cookie.

You are the drunk boy.

You can't quit, Josh.

You did already know her from section.

You didn't ask to see a picture?

You didn't want to cooperate.

You don't like him because he's dating Maggie.

You don't need that guy to help you get a girlfriend. You know that, right?

You don't want to find out

You ever seen, uh, Carnivàle?

You go first.

You got to get on this thing, bro.

You got to give them little trinkets, you got to pinch them... it works.

You got to wear a Jamiroquai hat.

You guys seem pretty cozy over there.

You have wet wipes?

You hear that?

You just dropped me off a few seconds ago.

You know how much I love...

You know the difference

You know what?

You know, all Mike wanted to know was, (low voice): What does she look like?

You know, and in the meantime, you can just... focus on you.

You know, your mother and I met on a blind date.

You look pretty, you look so pretty.

You love her, right?

You might have heard of him.

You must do sex.

You must join us.

You okay, man?

You piece of shit.

You put temp on there?

You sent one hell of a text.

You should come to my apartment.

You should free that thing.

You should go to Torch tonight.

You should stop by.

You still have that thing?

You told her...

You want to get a bacon egg and cheese, or...?

You want to get dinner Friday?

You want to, uh...

You will crush gash.

You will see that women are going nuts

You you a fan of, um, movies?

You, do a shot with me.

You.

You're just doing your job.

You're killing me, dude. Hold on.

You're kind of sketchy.

You're making people uncomfortable.

You're not dealing with Maggie, or...

You're seeing. But first

You're such a good guy.

You've got a comma after your hey

Young young young music.

Your place is remote, man.

Your your eyes turn into these spinning...

Zach and Xander.

'07. Yeah.

(chuckles) No...

(Clears his throat) Cool bar, right? What?

(knocking) Hmm. Interesting.

(knocking) You're here!

(laughs) Uh...

(Panting) Oh, give it to me. Okay. Here we go.

(screams) (screams)

(squeals) Oh, my God.

(stammers) We... I don't really want

(whispering continues) Um, so, uh...

(Whispering): Do... do I... Do I tip him? Nah.

♪

$20 cover. 20...

Aah! Mike: Or desperate...

About what? The room we're in.

After they bury you, I'll dig you up. This was a very,

All right, fine. Five minutes. Okay, come on,

All right, that's 38 bucks. It's $38?

All right. It's got mint in it.

All right. Now, just take it...

All right. Thank you.

Also a romantic comedy. Yeah.

and I was like, these are nice, like... Yeah.

And taste cakes? LIZ: No!

Are you and her a couple? No,

Are you comfortable there? What?

At camp. You were asleep. Was it that

Aw... Aw...

Buy her a drink. No, before that.

cardiovascular system and... Yeah.

Come on. No, no, no.

Couple up. Couple up.

creepy kid with the dead eye, Tobias? It wasn't Tobias.

Did you shit yourself? Would you just mind your own business?

Do you go to the gym? Nope.

Do you have a job? Yeah, I I... I'm a temp.

Does it have prongs? What?

Don't make it awkward for the Jew. No, I'm sure...

Dove®? Follow me.

Drink it up. Okay.

Dude, it's getting late. Let's just pound some Mexican food.

Eh... Or just go over to the gym.

Empty balls. Oh, my God.

Empty my balls. Yes?

Film reference. Nice.

Fire my P... Yes?

for punctuation. That is true.

Get on top. Yeah.

Get rid of it! No.

Give it to me. Give it to me. Oh, yeah, give, give. Oh.

Go. Go, go, go, go, go, go. Go, go, go!

God. Just keep it going.

Gonna turn around. Kiss me.

Greenberg? Yes.

Ha! Ha! Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.

hanging out. Now, to send.

Here, wear this. What is this?

Hey, Joshie. Hi.

Hey, uh..

Hey, where's Wolcott and Cermak? It's, like, eight blocks away.

Hey. Hey.

Hi. Hey.

His name is Adolf? Yeah.

Holy shit. Mm hmm.

How'd it go with Gorbachaka? Ooh.

Hug, come on. Yeah, hugs, come on.

Huh? I... I will try to...

Huh. And you're gonna be like,

Huh. Ew.

I apprec... Well, fair warning, right?

I d... I did. You look nice.

I don't want to do this anymore. What...

I don't. So, we can be buddies.

I don't. No. You don't. Okay.

I feel bad, do you want...? No, n n no.

I hate me, too. Geez.

I have more to come. Okay.

I knew it. Oh, my God.

I know how to talk to women. Do you?

I know I'm right. Wow.

I love this milk analogy, dude. Yeah.

I love you. I love you.

I really appreciate that. When I met Michelle,

I think I'm just gonna go home. MAGGIE: Josh!

I think it's fun. Remember eighth grade?

I think we've got each other's. Yup. Yup, that's exactly... yup.

I thought four. I count the two years

I want you to give it... Oh, my God. Yes.

I will try to... Huh?

I wish I was there with you. You'd be dead if you were there.

I'm okay. No, it's very good.

I'm really sorry, but... Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Just...

I've been so stressed... Josh.

If you would just listen! We only have one chance to do this right.

in need of a girlfriend. Liz, I told you,

In time. In time, yeah.

in V. Huh? Oh...

into a torture chamber. Come on.

Is it kissing? Sex? Oh, God.

Is it pierced? No.

is not a big deal? She's not my girlfriend. She's not...

It shot out like cannon. Oh, for...beep... sake.

it was really nice meeting you. Yeah.

It's good. Josh: Yes.

It's not looking good. Thank you, Wallace.

It's not your fault you're broke. It's not.

It's... Maude! Hi! Hi!

Josh, come on. Yeah, I know.

JOSH: Hi, Mom. Hi there, Tom. Ooh, look at that nice shirt.

JOSH: Yeah. LIZ: Oh, God, it's the look.

Josh? Yeah.

Josh. I'm better than Hitler!

Josh. Oh, Laura.

Just take it off. I'll take off my shirt,

K Kind of. Okay.

Let me buy you drink. I don't want another drink, man!

like it's a huge selling point. Go on.

Like, four big bites. Oh, God.

Like, what's your secret? Dude, there's no secret.

Liz says she's, uh, confident, funny. Congrats, what's she look like?

MAN: Joshie. WOMAN: Hi, Joshie.

Man... Yeah.

MAUDE: Josh? Open the door. Take this dram.

May God forgive us. Josh: Sending.

maybe buy her a drink, and then... Wait, wait, wait. Go back.

Meditate five minutes a day. Just... yeah, okay.

Mike: Dude! What?

Milkman's coming. Hello. Yeah.

Mm hmm. The path to love...

Mm mm mm... Maude and I

Mom? We tried this

Mom's always the last to know. There's nothing to know.

Mom's lentil soup. Ugh!

Mr. President? Uh, congratulations.

My God

Nah? Nah.

Nah. No.

next to the Jamba Juice. (knocking at door)

No

No, I'm not... no. No, I can't reach it.

No, not... not at all. Yes!

No. Are you sure?

No. No.

Nope. Not at all. Okay, Josh,

Not a big deal? No.

Oh, give it to me. Oh, yeah.

Oh, God, she's got the look. Wedding.

Oh, good. Yeah.

Oh, good. All right, cool. Okay. I love you.

Oh, hello. Oh.

Oh, holy... smokes, yeah. Everybody here.

Oh, I know. You don't want to be dead.

Oh, Mom, I don't want to talk about it

Oh, my God. I did not see it.

Oh, my God. I knew they had so much in common.

Oh, my God. Mama Mia!

Oh, my God. Wait, wait! Listen, listen to this.

Oh, okay. I feel like,

Oh, okay. So, um, well,

Oh, shit. Yeah.

Oh, that is a real stretch, Josh. Don't make this about you.

Oh, that sucks. What's wrong with it?

Oh, there she is. What? Oh, no.

Oh, yeah, good. So much about you.

Oh, yeah. That's the good old days.

Oh, you first. No, no, you you go first.

Oh! (guests screaming)

Oh. Are are you friends with him?

Oh. Come on, let's go.

Oh. Honestly, it was a crutch

Oh. Leo,

Oh. Oh, yeah. Yep. Take that.

Oh. Uh, yeah. You know?

Oh... Oh...

Oh... no! Hi, Mom.

Okay, well, how does that sound to a lady? If she's a temp, she'll like it.

Okay? Thank you so much.

Okay. (chuckles)

Okay. Great.

Okay. Laura.

Okay. Okay.

Okay. Okay.

Okay. Um...

Okay. Get down. Oh, okay.

Okay. I want it. There we go. Josh, Josh, Josh.

Okay. Okay. Come on.

Ooh, we crushed it, dawg. Oh, yeah.

Open up a matchbook, they all look the... What? That's ridic...

over there. Oh, good, yeah.

PATTI: When can we go dress shopping? Oh, birdie!

Period. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Really? They would burn the house down.

Right, no, that's perfect... 7:00 a.m. See you tomorrow morning.

Right. She moved here last year

Sara. Sara.

Saturday. Saturday, yeah.

Say hi? No, the other...

Say what is you try! Oh, my God!

See you tomorrow morning. I'm excited. For you.

Sex partner found. Oh, my God.

Sex! Sex! Yeah, okay.

She keeps barking at strangers... Josh,

She's so well read. Oh, good.

Shh. Okay. Aah. Go.

Shit! Woman: Hey!

slobbering girls. Oh, no, I didn't mean specific girls,

so much. Well, this is great. Oh, yeah.

so much. Well, this is great. Oh, yeah.

So now we're screaming at her? Time is critical right now.

So, how do you know Liz? Um,

So... Right, TGIS.

Somebody's jealous. Yeah.

Something else? (stammers) I don't know. I don't know

Something like that. Yeah.

Sure. Maybe a Cosmo? That's a terrific idea.

Take it off. Okay. Yeah.

Take this what? Dram. I got it at the apothecary

Tell me about Maude. Th There's

Thank you, thank you. I... When are you coming to visit?

Thank you. Thank you, Mom. Here, have some iced tea.

That guy is disgusting. He's so gross.

That sucks. I've been in

That was a two. (groans)

That's the man. That's you.

That's your life? Yeah.

That's... Exactly. (chuckles)

The the old pipes. Ah. Uh huh. Okay, all right.

There you go. No, n n n no.

They all look the same. Oh, it is on.

They're on to us. I hope, I hope he kisses her.

This Friday's Eve? Yeah.

to each other. Right.

to talk about it. Okay, I get it.

TOM: Oh, that that's fantastic. MOM: That's smart.

Too early? No, 7:00 a.m.'s not early enough.

Try what? Huh? Oh, my God.

Ugh, here we go. You're 27?

Uh, all right. All right.

Uh, data entry. So it's a bit of a... Oh.

Uh, just stop texting her. What?

Uh, let me just tie my shoes. No, there's no time.

Uh, okay. Is okay?

Uh, uh... Come on.

Uh... Liz: You got it.

via the Internet. No, don't do that!

Wait, where? She's right outside.

waking up in a coffin? Hey, just stay the course, bro.

Washington, D.C. trip. Oh, yeah. Yeah, D.C. was crazy.

Wasn't that funny? Right? Uh...

we work together. Oh.

What are you doing here? Oh, man, I got so drunk,

What did I tell you, boy. Uh! (Groans)

What did you say? I said

What do we do? Um...

What's up? See you on the dance floor.

Whose names? The, uh...

Why are you crying? I just really like her, okay?

Why not? Because she's an ugly slimy troll!

Why would you say that? I think you've just been stalling

Wikipedia. Yeah.

wooing women. Great. It's on.

Wow, that was so funny. Yeah.

Wow. Right here!

Y y y yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, I guess I could. Meditate.

Yeah, I love you. Yeah, good night. Bye. Good dinner.

Yeah, totally... of hay.

Yeah, you you as well. Thank you.

Yeah? I I, uh... I don't...

Yeah? Just two seconds, yeah.

Yeah. (laughing)

Yeah. Eh.

Yeah. How are you?

Yeah. LIZ: He's lying.

Yeah. There's a bit of a, uh...

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Go. Yeah, okay. Yeah, okay.

Yeah. Yup, yup. Yeah. Yeah? Is 7:00 a.m.

Yep. Yep.

Yes, yeah, yeah. Oh, no Wagner?

Yes! Bye, bye, bye.

Yes. Understand?

You are an inspiration to men everywhere. Thanks, buddy.

You changed my room without asking me? Well,

You could be my running partner. Yeah, um...

You did, didn't you? Stop...

You did, didn't you? Stop...

You get on top. Oh, okay.

You know, sometimes... You want to jizz all in 'em or something.

You said it was an emergency. Well, it is.

You shit in your pants. helping.

you two. (laughter)

You... Everyone is struggling in this economy.

You're not scared, are you? I... no.

Yup. These are just tiny little seeds

-

-

'cause Adolf just opened some Châteauneuf du Pape.

'cause it fell right in my mouth.

(All laughing) (Mike whoops)

(All scream)

(animal noises)

(Banging sound)

(Bartender groans)

(Bartender yelling, dog snarling and barking)

(Battle hymn of the Republic begins)

(Beeping)

(bell dings)

(bell dings) Here I go.

(bell dings) Okay.

(bird caws)

(bird screeches)

(bird screeches)

(bird screeches)

(Bra squeaking)

(buzzing) Damn. So glad I watered myself.

(Buzzing) You know, it's really good

(car horn honking)

(Chanting in Latin)

(Chants in Italian)

(Cheering)

(chuckles)

(chuckles)

(Chuckling)

(Classical music playing, applause)

(Clears throat loudly)

(clears throat) This is... this is Josh,

(Continues chanting)

(crowd gasps)

(crying): But he was a really good brother...

(crying): You can wear it in heaven.

(Deep growling fades away)

(Demonic voice): suck my dick!

(Distorted slurp) (Distorted): Mmm.

(distorted, echoing): You will crush gash...

(distorted): chemically, uh, kind of...

(distorted): He did a monologue from Precious,

(Distorted): I love you.

(Distorted): I love you. And now you're going to...

(door locks)

(Echoing laughter)

(Elevator bell dings)

(Exhales loudly)

(Exorcist chants in Latin)

(Exorcist chokes, screams)

(Exorcist speaks Italian)

(fake sobbing)

(Gasping, siren blaring)

(gasping)

(gasps, groans)

(gasps)

(Gasps) I know, we do concert for one.

(gasps) We can go see that show again!

(Groaning)

(Groans)

(Groans)

(Groans)

(growls)

(growls)

(Growls)

(grunting) Oh, my God!

(grunts lightly)

(grunts)

(grunts)

(Grunts)

(grunts) Get the door. Oh, my God.

(gurgling): Oh, wow...

(Hissing)

(Imitates gunshot)

(Indistinct chatter)

(Indistinct chatter)

(Intercom buzzes)

(knocking at door)

(laughing nervously): Oh, shit...

(laughing, singsongy): Booty call.

(laughing)

(laughing)

(laughing): Josh.

(Laughing): Wait.

(Laughing): Who could blame you?

(laughs)

(Laughs)

(laughs)

(Laughs) Got, like, six gallons of milk for you.

(Laughs) Right?

(Laughs) Two shots, please.

(laughs) What?

(laughs) What's up?

(Laughs) Yeah.

(laughter)

(laughter)

(Lever clicking)

(Liz screams in distance)

(Man humming)

(Man laughs)

(Mike laughs)

(Mike screams)

(Moaning and groaning) Okay.

(Moaning on computer)

(moaning)

(Moaning) Hurry!

(Mouth full): No...

(mouthing)

(Muffled club music playing)

(Muffled dance music playing)

(Muffled dance music playing)

(Mumbles) All right, okay.

(Mumbling)

(mumbling): Go to hell.

(Music begins)

(Music distorts, stops)

(music slows)

(muttering) Oh, my God.

(normal voice): You okay, buddy?

(Not in Love by Crystal Castles plays)

(overlapping intrusive questioning)

(panting)

(panting)

(phone buzzing)

(phone buzzing)

(Phone buzzing)

(phone buzzing)

(Phone buzzing) Little tiny plant growing.

(phone buzzing) that we're planting here, and it's

(Phone buzzing) Who is texting you so late?

(Phone ringing) Hello.

(Phone ringing) What up? What up?

(phone rings)

(Plopping) Bartender: Uh..

(questioning continues)

(Rattling)

(Razor squeals)

(Relieved sighing, siren stops)

(reporters shouting)

(Rising scream)

(Screaming)

(screaming)

(screams)

(screams)

(screeches)

(shouting)

(shouting)

(shouting)

(shouting)

(shouting)

(shouting)

(shutters clicking)

(sighs)

(Sighs)

(sighs)

(Sighs)

(sighs)

(sighs)

(sighs)

(sighs) I can usually get it within five.

(Sighs) This is disappointment.

(Slow motion growling)

(snapping)

(snarls)

(Sniffing)

(Sniffing)

(sniffs)

(sniffs)

(snorting)

(sobbing)

(sobbing): I don't know.

(solemn organ music playing)

(Speaking Italian)

(Speaking Italian)

(Speaking Italian)

(Speaking Italian)

(Speaking Italian)

(Speaking Italian) Craigslist?

(Speaking Italian) Josh: What?

(spits)

(Sputters, sighs)

(Squeaking)

(Squeaks)

(Squeaky voice): Great meeting you. I'm Josh from the train.

(Squeals)

(static)

(String quartet music plays)

(techno music plays)

(Thudding, gagging, retching)

(thunder cracks)

(thunder rumbles)

(thunder rumbling)

(Toilet flushing)

(Touch tones sounding)

(Touch tones sounding)

(Wagner's Ride of the Valkyries playing)

(weakly): Oh, yeah...

(Whispering): I... I'm *******.

(whispering): Oh, my God, they both like salad. It's working out.

(Whoops)

(Whoops) This is the best night of my life!

(Wind howling)

(Woman laughs) Attaboy!

(Zippering)

♪

♪

♪ ♪

♪ And we were lovers ♪

♪ behind ♪

♪ Fascination ends ♪

♪ Get get up off my grind ♪

♪ Get get up off my grind ♪

♪ Get get up off my grind ♪

♪ Get get up off my grind, you stay behind ♪

♪ Get get up off my grind, you you stay behind ♪

♪ Get get up off my grind, you'll stay behind ♪

♪ Get get up on my grind, you you stay behind ♪

♪ Ha! ♪

♪ Here we go again... ♪

♪ I'll put that charm up in that slot and hit the jackpot ♪ (Both): Mmm!

♪ Make make make make, make 'em drop ♪

♪ Make make make make, make 'em drop. ♪

♪ My name Deezy, also known for making bras pop ♪

♪ Not not enough time ♪

♪ Now we can't be friends ♪

♪ Too much money ♪

♪ Too much money, not enough time ♪

♪ Too much money, not enough time ♪

♪ Too much money, not enough time ♪

♪ Too much money, not enough time ♪

♪ Too much money, not enough time ♪

♪ Too much money, not enough time ♪ yeah!

♪ You stay b... You stay behind ♪

♪ You stay behind ♪

♪ You stay behind ♪

♪ You stay behind. ♪

♪ You you stay behind ♪

♪ Ha! ♪