Friends with Kids Edit

A great girl with big tits, long legs, who isn't crazy, or neurotic, or religious.

A one, a two...

A widow with no grandchildren until now remembers.

A year ago not everyone thought that this little arrangement was gonna work out.

A. Definitely A.

Actually, divorced people have it kind of great.

Actually, now I miss twos.

Alex told her. Oh, and Callie told me.

Alex, can you come out here for a second, please?

Alex!

All right, I'm gonna go.

All right, just a few more pushes.

All right, listen, it's bedtime.

All right, sorry.

All right, sweetheart. All right.

All right, sweetheart. I love you.

All right, there we go. So now, let's open this present.

All right, we're almost there, keep pushing.

All right, well, have a great drive.

All right, you guys, listen. Those nice people next to us,

All right? I don't want to ruin your holiday, so...

All right. Is it all of us?

All that stuff. We're lucky.

Alligators are in lakes or swamps and marshes.

Alligators drown you before they eat you. So, there. Shark. Okay?

Always happy, ready for the day, can you imagine?

And "Oh, my God, she snowboards,"

And all of the sort of conflicting theories on that.

And asked why his friend Bobby had two moms.

And every time I commented on how hot another woman is,

And every time I went out, you resented the shit out of me,

And fly like an airplane and he's been crying like this for an hour!

And for some strange reason, he seems genuinely into me.

And I had a sitter and everything.

And I have to be able to leave town on a moment's notice.

And I love it, it's great, but I just don't need to know the ins and the outs of it.

And I really enjoy my freedom, so...

And I think that we should just stick with that

And I think they just haven't been able to face us.

And I wasn't into it, but you were and it's your body, so

And I'm just supposed to believe you all of a sudden?

And I'm like, "I'm sorry, that's living the dream?"

And if you're not convinced afterwards that I am into you

And it just seemed like a crazy way to spend your life, I mean,

And it's kind of game over, right?

And it's not because I'm lonely, or desperate, or whatever else you think.

And it's stressful and you're fat and cranky, and I get that.

And Jon & Kate Plus 8.

And just skip over the whole marriage and divorce nightmare.

And Kurt, if things don't work out with you and Jule,

And lawsuits,

And make commitments to make a relationship work, yes, it's insulting.

And not for nothing, but it's like,

And not get confused, you know?

And only really special people get two houses to sleep in.

And plus, we just know each other too well, you know?

And possibly some broken bones, maybe child services being called.

And say all this confusing shit to a two and a half year old. You just can't.

And tell me that you will be 100% committed to this, half the time.

And that guy, twice.

And that is... Okay.

And that's bad because...

And that's kind of the whole thing right there, you know.

And that's my cue.

And the worry that your guy'll never like fucking you again

And then it doesn't get good again for like five years?

And then look at him.

And then the next, they just look ugly to you.

And then we'll open the present,

And then when they meet the person they really want to be with,

And then you're going to go to sleep real quick, okay?

And these are on her nights, but I'm like, "Really?"

And totally not attracted to each other physically.

And try and reclaim a small shred of my masculinity before going to work.

And watch the love of my life die a slow painful death by disease

And we're not attracted to each other,

And what is it, seven weeks old? How old is it?

And you don't die on impact.

And you know I can't afford half of 20K a year for private.

And you're happy, and it makes sense,

And your last job was?

And, honestly, I've just never had the urge

And, yeah, Joe is fine now. He's one!

Aneurysm or cancer?

Anyhow, I am Kurt. And you are?

Anyway, I think we need to be a little more supportive. You know?

Anyway, so how about you. How did you meet your wife?

Apparently I forgot to pick up your gift.

Are they even allowed in here?

Are we late enough? Should we circle?

Are you certain this is okay? Are you okay with him?

Are you fucking kidding me today?

Are you guys completely hammered already, or what's going on?

Are you kidding me? Are you re gifting?

Are you kidding me? Seriously?

Are you kidding me? This one goes into the bathroom

Are you kidding? I live for this.

Are you looking at what I'm looking at?

Are you okay, sweetie?

Are you serious?

Are you seriously telling me that if we met today,

Are you waving hello to us?

As a friend.

As long as you promise to go right to bed, okay?

As soon as things got hard,

At certain angles, I really like the way it looks, and others, it's like,

At my age, even if I meet my guy,

Babe, I have to go. We are going to a gig downtown.

Babe, you want a latte?

Babe?

Badly.

Basically, I help this really rich guy decide who to give his money to.

Basically, I just help people strategize, focus, prioritize, you know?

Because I just wanted to be with family.

Because I think our friend Kurt here has actually raised some very good questions.

Because it might be her last chance is the worst thing that I ever heard.

Because it's cavernous now, and not...

Because she got the germs from the doctor's hands and died.

Because the thing is when I said that, I...

Because we couldn't wait to get home.

Because, hon, when we met, you were in your twenties.

Being around two people that fucking hate each other?

Being into someone new.

Ben!

Besides, it looks like these guys could use a little bit of a hand here.

Better.

Blogs, and... You know.

Both wanted a kid, and we hadn't met our people,

Boy, you were not kidding.

Brooklyn, huh?

Bull in a china shop.

Buried in tits.

But all I do when I'm with him is think about you.

But all those things that you said at the cabin, you said...

But anyway...

But do any parents ever say that their kid's not great?

But do you really think he's going to be okay later

But good luck to you guys. I can't wait to see how it all turns out.

But he did that!

But how are you two gonna deal with this?

But how lame is it that it's a lunch? I mean, late lunch? Really?

But I know she wanted to have kids eventually, but...

But I wouldn't make mine slow and painful, I'd get out early.

But I'm incredibly relieved to know your pussy is still tight.

But I'm like a gypsy. I do eight shows a week and I'm never home,

But it ended,

But it has been... It has been really impressive to watch.

But it's just par for the course. That's the gig.

But it's not just the baby card, it's the baby card and Brooklyn.

But now my appetite's back, thank you.

But see, I'm not just gonna be with someone who's not into me.

But seriously, I did actually want to make a little toast,

But sharks are only in the ocean.

But then after all the hoopla, nobody sleeps for what, like a year?

But then you have those moments, you come home from work,

But what's the alternative, just not like your kid that much?

But why do you think Jason wants to do this?

But you also have a solid out 'cause it's just lunch.

But you know what? You were right.

But you see,

But, I'm sorry, that's what you signed on for.

But, look, you can't come into my house

But, then, you get a great kid at the end. Like Cole.

But, you know, that's a good thing.

But...

But... There was talk that it might end in tears,

Can I ask you to put some of this on?

Can I just point out that Jule can't get to a second date.

Can I throw a grenade on him?

Can we get a couple more?

Can you hold that, please?

Can you turn it up, do you think?

Check your inbox.

Cheers.

Cole, honey, can you just... Please, for a moment!

Come on in.

Come on up.

Come on! You coming? Let's go!

Could you get the fucking door? What are you, deaf?

Daddy, stay!

Daddy, stay!

Damn, six weeks and out? We could have hired her.

Dancers are usually lithe and boyish, so...

Death by shark or alligator?

Did the... Did the bell ring?

Did we decide on a method?

Did you have to wear those shoes?

Did you save any pizza for me?

Do they have sex, like, all the time?

Do you really think you of all people should be doling out parenting advice?

Do you think this epidural should be working better or something?

Doll, what is it? You seem weird, or sad, or something.

Doll, you didn't tell me that. Come on.

Don't say that in front of him.

Don't you miss me at all?

Dude has missed the last five poker nights,

Dude, you have no idea. I have never, ever had sex like this before.

Easy. We dated casually once or twice, got pregnant,

Elaine, how've you been?

End of an era.

Even a little?

Even when they had him?

Everything down the middle, right? Even.

Everything else was just filler.

Everything we had was the romantic part.

Except for the nose. He got mine, poor thing.

Face and not invite that kind of comment.

Far and above the person you chose to spend the rest of your life with.

Fine, I'll feed him! It's not like it's that big a deal.

Five, tops.

Follow, it's showing you. It's showing you.

For being such a profound asshole up in Vermont.

For the record, I'm against it, but it is depressing.

Forget it.

From your vagina.

Fuck off!

Fuck the shit out of me.

Fuck you.

Fuck.

Fucking prick!

Get the fuck out.

Get to it, pop one out, lose the weight quickly,

God knows you have. What is that, your sixth scotch? Is that what's going on?

Good bye. Good bye.

Good job.

Good job. Thank you.

Good night, buddy.

Good to have you back.

Good to see you, long time.

Good. Did you meet everybody?

Got it.

Gotta go check in at the hotel.

Great dog.

Guys, guys, just before we all start eating.

H€Y

H€Y

H€Y

Half the time. We split custody.

Hamptons time share, in the hot tub, millennium weekend.

Happy birthday. I'm sorry. I feel like an asshole,

Have your cake and eat it, too. Well, guess what?

Haven't seen them since the hospital.

He adores you, it's obvious.

He can't discern the nuances of who to hate right now. That comes later.

He didn't even come Monday when I had floor seats for the Knicks.

He doesn't hate anybody. He's not a hater. Come here.

He gets so excited when he sees a dog, it's crazy.

He just got divorced, that was in March, so I've sort of just been giving it time to settle,

He was a nice, pleasant guy.

He's adorable.

He's dumb as a stump right now.

He's fine.

He's hungry

He's like a brother.

He's like a real, grown up man.

He's not bright enough to be a hater right now, his brain is like this big.

Help yourself. We have Bloody Mary mix,

Here we go.

Hey, are you sure this is okay? I can do a half day,

Hey, babe, what's up? You okay?

Hey, buddy, do you want to see the doggy?

Hey, buddy, how you doing? Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh.

Hey, Cole, can I take your backpack?

Hey, Cole, you know what? We brought you something.

Hey, Cole.

Hey, Cole. How are you, can I take your coat?

Hey, Cole. What's up, buddy?

Hey, good morning.

Hey, he's ready. I'll go get him.

Hey, hey, hey

Hey, hey, hey, Jule, Jule...

Hey, how was your date, by the way?

Hey, it's okay.

Hey, Jase, how are things with the hot Latina nanny?

Hey, Kurt, you in or out, buddy?

Hey, Lewis, don't forget rehearsal tomorrow, right? 7:00. She's right this way.

Hey, thank you. Thank you so much. I really appreciate it.

Hey, when do you think it'll be okay to get naked with someone?

Hey, who would like to watch Thomas the Tank Engine?

Hey!

Hey!

Hey. Oh, my God, thank you very much. Hi. Thanks so much.

Hey...

Hi, buddy. Hi, buddy.

Hi, I'll have a glass of the '93 Chéteauneuf du Pape.

Hi, I'm Ben.

Hi, I'm Julie.

Hi, Katie, you look so pretty.

Hi, Phil. Nice to see you.

Hi, Troy, how are you?

Hi! Oh, my goodness, you're gorgeous.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Holy shit.

Hon, did we get Jase a gift?

Honestly, no.

Honey, did you find the sled yet?

Honey, just the floor, baby, that's it. You got it.

Hottest,

How about waterboarding, how do you feel about that?

How are you? Good to see you.

How did you do that so fast?

How did you do that?

How do you explain to your kids

How do you go from fourth grade, hitting people in the neck with small pieces of...

How?

How's Callie?

Hundred bucks a plate, and they're bringing toddlers?

I apologize for the 50 times he rang the doorbell.

I bet she had big tits.

I blame my parents. Why are you whispering by the way?

I brought the bottle, why don't you feed him for once?

I can mitigate risk to zero on shark death if I never get into the ocean.

I can't do it. I gotta put Joe to bed. It's my night. Let's do Tuesday.

I can't really tell if you're kidding right now.

I could never ever be responsible for another living thing.

I could use a little help, what do you think, huh?

I did everything you asked!

I did everything. I fed him, I changed him, I burped him, I swaddled him...

I didn't invite Kurt or anyone here tonight

I do, but not at that level.

I don't even know how it's done.

I don't feel that way any more.

I don't get how people meet people if it isn't through college or work.

I don't have anyone for her.

I don't know if you've noticed, but I have never been happier, so...

I don't know what I'm doing wrong.

I don't know what is wrong with me.

I don't know, I didn't really get her.

I don't know, it's not quite symmetrical with my chin.

I don't know, just 'cause I didn't have access to your big dick or something?

I don't know, man. Just too much familiarity, you know?

I don't know, when they had kids?

I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I'm... You know. It's like... Fucking Jesus.

I don't know. Just not much of note since.

I don't know. Nothing. I mean, we can't say anything, right?

I don't know. Pulling on his wiener and hitting stuff all the time?

I don't know. You just seem so unsupportive. That's so unlike you.

I don't swim in the ocean.

I don't think that two friends having a kid together

I don't think they had any idea how hard any of this was gonna be.

I don't think this is so hard.

I don't understand how it's possible.

I don't understand, so what's wrong?

I don't want to miss anything.

I don't work in advertising.

I feel like I know you. I have two of your thongs in my apartment.

I feel like we're over the worst of it.

I forget, what do they say about commitment issues?

I get it.

I got a lot of good years left.

I got it. I'll be right in. Yes, I will.

I got there, he was 61.

I got to tell you, you know what, he's a pig when it comes to women.

I gotta go. I'm late. So have a great night.

I guess I need six pink and eight blue ones.

I had a really dirty dream about her.

I had no choice, so we decided to split custody and remain friends.

I have a boy. He's gonna be two in a few months.

I have the whole night just like later on after this.

I have to drop five by Friday.

I hope that's okay.

I jerked off to it a few times already.

I just can't be close to you any more.

I just want a role model for my young boy, so...

I just want someone.

I just want to make one note.

I just want to stay here, though, and go to the park with you guys.

I just want you to know that we would like you to live with us.

I just wanted to apologize in person, by the way.

I just wanted to say how glad I am that we're all here.

I just wish you'd ask me more often.

I just...

I know everything there is to know about her.

I know that if she is ever paralyzed from the neck down,

I know that she's honest,

I know that we both think that organized religion is completely full of shit.

I know that we have the same values,

I know the big birthday is next week, and I just...

I know the mood she's in when she wakes up in the morning.

I know what I said that night, and all I can say is I...

I know, but late lunch. It's so unpromising.

I know, but you and I both know that's gonna burn out soon.

I know, I didn't even think he wanted to have kids,

I know, right.

I know.

I know.

I know. I know. Let's get your pillow. Let's get you cozy.

I know. The having the kid part's exciting and great.

I like to take my time, babe. I like to take my time.

I lost my footing, and then, I bumped into my friend Julie, here...

I mean, after Andy was out of the picture, you were right there.

I mean, after everything that we've been through?

I mean, Cole came home the other day

I mean, for me, it's been really...

I mean, God knows you're attractive, you are beautiful.

I mean, he's a friend guy, but I'm totally unattached.

I mean, he's got all the time in the world, but this might be it for her.

I mean, honey, you can't share all that shit with someone

I mean, I can put myself together, but... I just have good hair, you know.

I mean, I've never had sex on a boat or a piano.

I mean, if all this awesomeness continues.

I mean, it'd be different if we were married and I owed you something,

I mean, it's amazing for you guys, and you're all doing such a good job,

I mean, Missy and I used to have sex in the bathroom of the train

I mean, really, what am I supposed to do with that?

I mean, seriously,

I mean, that's like really taboo.

I mean, the guy I've been waiting for my whole life, I'll have, like, what?

I mean, the last guy I had sex with was you and this was like a quantum leap size wise,

I mean, there's a guy, but he's not my guy.

I mean, who knew there were men like this out there in the world?

I mean, you don't really have a lot of time to waste, doll.

I might need a moment to myself here to think about your face and your body.

I miss you so much.

I missed you so much.

I need to drink on dates.

I never got that expression,

I probably don't need to tell you, you probably already did exhaustive research

I promise. Bye. I gotta go.

I scrubbed everything with bleach, even the baseboards,

I should go. I'll call you from the road. I love you.

I think I met "the girl" today.

I think late lunch can turn into early cocktails.

I think she just doesn't like me, exactly...

I think she was trying to make me feel bad or something.

I think we both look terrific.

I think we're three weeks out.

I thought it was that you're afraid your mom's gonna out your penis off.

I wanna fuck the shit out of you.

I want Daddy to sleep at our house.

I want to stay in your house.

I want...

I was airing it out!

I was in a really bad place, man.

I was just too fucking stupid to realize it.

I was right by Seinfeld.

I was taking care of the most beautiful little girl in SoHo.

I wasn't ready.

I will be 100% committed to this, half the time, maybe even more.

I will do it. I will do it.

I will see you very soon. Bye. Have fun with Daddy.

I wish I could sleep at your house, bud.

I wonder why...

I would love to, but I should go home.

I'd love some, Alex.

I'd never had a love of my life, okay? I mean, I didn't know I did.

I'll be right back.

I'll get it. Hello?

I'll just get a Stella.

I'm a bit off my game. A bit off my game.

I'm actually from Long Island, but, how are you?

I'm amazed we're finally being invited over

I'm coming. I'm coming.

I'm doing only slightly better myself.

I'm glad we did this.

I'm going to break up with her soon anyway.

I'm gonna get back to you after I make some tough decisions, thanks.

I'm gonna head out.

I'm good. Oh, it's your best friend!

I'm happy with all the accessories.

I'm just gonna take a pill. I'll see you tonight, yeah?

I'm just saying, who do we know?

I'm just tired. You don't have to do anything.

I'm just trying to set it straight, put it out there,

I'm just...

I'm kidding.

I'm kidding.

I'm like an elephant in a china shop.

I'm not angry at you. I'm not pining for you. I'm dating a lot. I'm good.

I'm not drunk.

I'm not drunk.

I'm not married. And I wasn't hitting on you.

I'm not usually this inarticulate or cheesy.

I'm probably going to be boarding just because I'm not 100, so...

I'm serious.

I'm so in love with you I don't know what to do.

I'm sorry for saying that, that was the first thing that came out.

I'm sorry if you're feeling lonely, or guilty, or whatever it is you're feeling,

I'm sorry, do you mind if we, you know,

I'm sorry, excuse me. Can I put him in with Katie? Do you mind?

I'm sorry, I couldn't get them to a restaurant. I really tried.

I'm sorry, it's just sometimes girls need a little foreplay.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I didn't know that.

I'm sorry. You're gonna really come back here and tell me...

I'm trying, I went to the last setup from this one, brutal...

I'm very clumsy.

I've made my peace with it.

I've never felt lonelier, you know.

If we're going to conceive a child.

If you could do... Oh, thank you. Hold on one sec, sorry.

If you had any idea what it was like to look at you wearing that thing...

If you think that you and Jule are gonna be BFFs for life,

If you wanted him in your room or ours tonight.

In a real glass.

In every possible way a person can be into another person,

In the bathroom?

Instead of ruining it with all of these almosts, okay?

Is considered a cry for help in many circles.

Is he a Nazi? Nazi basketball player?

Is it burning?

Is it worth trying the drunken sex thing once or twice

Is it you hated your mom, you wanted sex with your mom?

Is not gonna make you bored as shit one day, then you are fucking wrong!

Is that corn?

Is that suddenly you love this creature, I mean, this stranger, right?

Is the ketchup inside your nostril still burning, Milo?

Is there anything you see, Jase, that you want to enquire about?

Is this a terrible idea?

Is this the way this is gonna go?

It is gross. And I don't want him.

It is way past bedtime.

It just comes out sometimes.

It just looks like chocolate.

It makes me happy, nice to meet you, young lady.

It makes, like, boners shoot out of my eyes.

It seems appropriate, right?

It was just too much, okay?

It was really sad. I mean, it was good, it was a strong episode, but sad...

It was very sudden.

It wouldn't happen?

It'll be too confusing for them if they see their dad

It's a great day, isn't it?

It's a nice night, let's just have New Year's...

It's a tie. You can return it.

It's amazing how fleeting it is, you know?

It's because I realized that we got it all wrong.

It's been a really long time.

It's crowning. Scissors.

It's everything else that really sucks.

It's fucking toxic in here.

It's just a life.

It's just sex, come on.

It's just, she makes a lot of noise and between that and the positions

It's kind of hard to hit it when you have two kids asleep and drooling on you.

It's like hurting me just to stand here.

It's like kissing a brother, or something.

It's like she's one of my limbs or something.

It's my husband's birthday.

It's not natural. Doll, you gotta sweep out the cobwebs.

It's not that hard. I mean, that's ridiculous.

It's okay, but thanks.

It's okay.

It's okay. It's okay.

It's our dream, we've always wanted you guys to get together!

It's right through here.

It's simple. He loves me and he hates you.

It's so moist.

It's true. But we decided guys spend more time crapping and puking, right?

It's your best friend!

Jase has sex a lot...

Jase, we forgot. We're gonna get it this weekend, sorry!

Jase, where's Katherine? Is she meeting you here?

Jase, you're fucked. What are you going to do?

Jason made the most amazing quiches.

Jason, who we've always found to be...

Jule and Jase are trying to tell us something.

Jule, don't wait too long, 'cause I have some serious prospects for you.

Jule, I love you so much.

Jule...

Julie, when are you gonna get back out there?

Julie.

Just a cup of coffee.

Just because it makes me feel big, you know?

Just come in here and say all that great stuff.

Just kidding. It's a good name. It's a lovely name.

Just so she could, like, get involved with this gene pool.

Just talk it through for a sec, pro and con it.

Just what if?

Just wish my husband was here to see this.

Just...

Kurt gets it, he's got kids.

Kurt is

Kurt is not coming.

Kurt's really tall, so...

L say

L.

L.

Leave the kiddies at home.

Les will still be strident and I'm going to keep drinking a lot, so...

Leslie, Alex, how are your children?

Let me put him down, and I can give you my full attention.

Let me see.

Let you say hi...

Let's do this.

Let's get you to bed.

Let's go, if you're skiing. Cars are loaded up, grab your stuff, let's go.

Let's go!

Let's just do it.

Let's just pretend we're really into each other, okay?

Let's see...

Let's take these pillows off.

Like she said.

Like she's part of my body, you know?

Like that.

Like this happening for me, so...

Literally while I'm in the cab, by the way,

Little more porn.

Look at him. He looks just like your father.

Look at that treat. Check that out.

Look at this! I can't believe how big he's gotten.

Look at this.

Look at you, competent. See how that works?

Look, I can explain it very simply to you. Look at Joe right now.

Look, I don't know where all this is coming from.

Look, I feel like a fucking teenager when I'm at your baby mama's apartment.

Look, I know my timing sucks, but...

Look, if you want to talk about these terribly depressing things, I'm totally game.

Look, none of us really ever thinks we're doing a perfect job

Looking really, really dorky.

Love you.

Lunch is good, lunch is low stakes.

Makes me feel like a linebacker, you know? Like, I have to slouch.

Manhattan is the new Manhattan.

Maryjane. That is a great name.

Maybe I should just get going. I mean, this is starting to get embarrassing.

Maybe sign a legal document or something?

Maybe twice a month, maybe it's not that bad.

Maybe we should not kiss and just watch the porn.

Maybe write a memoir, so...

Maybe.

Maybe. Sorry.

Me, too. Me, too.

Mean.

Meningitis. Meningitis.

Mimosas, whatever you want, I'm going to get the coffees going.

Miracle of life, people bring gifts.

MJ? I had like 10. Dude...

MJ's great.

Mom, Dad left us 12 years before he died, and he remarried,

Mommy looks beautiful.

Most caring man I have ever dated.

Much worse to be without the person you love than to have a slow painful death.

My baby... Joe's dad, that's just Joe's dad.

My turn, clearly...

Never been on a road trip together.

Never thought that day would come.

Nice job, son.

Nineteen weeks, can you believe?

No pizza for me. No pizza for me.

No, can't be that long.

No, come on, it can't be that. It can't be just that.

No, Doctor, please, no episiotomy.

No, I do, she just scares me a little.

No, it was kind of mutual. Right? I mean...

No, it's crazy.

No, it's crazy. It's like one day, they're the hottest thing on two legs,

No, it's not. He's like eleven. He's a bartender. What is wrong with me?

No, just take it. You know. Throw it away if you want.

No, no, I'm on a cleanse.

No, no, no, you know what? You know what? I'm not finished.

No, no, no. It's fine. It's fine.

No, no, no. Please don't. I haven't had sex in a really long time.

No, no, no. You don't get it, you don't get it. You're dying!

No, no.

No, she's not religious.

No, sweetie, I'll just...

No, that was me. That was...

No, that's me. Hey, Kurt, it's me. That's just Jason, my friend.

No, that's not the arrangement.

No, the hardest part, and everyone says this,

No, this is my point, the setup is flawed. I mean, think about it.

No, this is not booze... This is not booze talking.

No, this way was more of a "Let's just roll the dice and see what happens," right?

No, we haven't seen them. Like not once. Just e mail.

No, we rented a car.

No, we're good. We're gonna get on the road in 15, 20 at the most,

No, what, I mean, no.

No, whatever. It's the baby card. They all play it.

No, you were totally perfectly in proportion to your height.

No,no,no,no.

No!

No.

No.

No. Dude, Julie.

No. Never married.

No. No, sir.

Nobody ever came close?

Not all of them are convicts.

Not my mom, not even Leslie. Just you guys.

Not yet. Not yet you haven't.

Nothing surprising.

Nothing, I really just haven't had anything like...

Nothing, I...

Nothing. It's been like years, hasn't it?

Nothing. Nothing. Kurt is...

Now look at us!

Now?

Of course, it's all going to be down the middle.

Of course.

Oh right, hey...

Oh, B. I'm living!

Oh, babe. I was waiting for this to happen.

Oh, boy.

Oh, boy...

Oh, come here, you.

Oh, come on, just hop in a cab and come back.

Oh, don't worry about it. I'm good on my feet.

Oh, fine.

Oh, God, no!

Oh, God. Get ready.

Oh, God. Well, that's just mean

Oh, God...

Oh, honey...

Oh, I got it, yeah. They're really great and hot, so dig in.

Oh, I should tell you, I'm a grower, not a shower

Oh, my God, are you serious?

Oh, my God, he was a setup through my boss.

Oh, my God, I've been getting really excited about this trip.

Oh, my God, it really is disgusting. It's super gross.

Oh, my God, that's the worst idea I've ever heard.

Oh, my God, what about our parents?

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! It's okay. Doctor Wong, great!

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Miss, you want some... Sorry!

Oh, my God. What do we do? What do we say?

Oh, my goodness, wow. Hi.

Oh, my goodness, you're huge! And I like you tremendously!

Oh, my goodness! How you doing?

Oh, my goodness.

Oh, my gosh! Oh, my God! So sorry.

Oh, no, no, no, no. I didn't mean it that way.

Oh, no, no, no. She sounds... She sounds great.

Oh, no, not quite. MJ's still in bed. We had a pretty late night.

Oh, no. I had this epic nine year thing from college with this guy Andy,

Oh, no. They're here.

Oh, right.

Oh, shit. You guys have a fight?

Oh, thank you for asking about my night, by the way.

Oh, that's not fair, that is not fair.

Oh, the body is just the gravy.

Oh, there's a guy in my bed.

Oh, we... We broke up.

Oh, yeah, the monitor's right there. Go ahead.

Oh, yes, I think so. I think it was pretty tight.

Oh, you know what, but this is actually the fake stuff, carob.

Oh...

Oh...

Okay, all right, great. We'll take him tonight then.

Okay, all right, I got you. Let's go.

Okay, all right, in that case, I would go with cancer.

Okay, all right, you know what? We'll both put you to bed,

Okay, all right.

Okay, bud, let's get you in your PJs, and then we'll open the present, okay?

Okay, bud.

Okay, buddy, good night.

Okay, fine. Shark. It's faster.

Okay, gorgeous boy, let's go get you dressed.

Okay, got it.

Okay, I...

Okay, let's rip it. Okay.

Okay, maybe partly he feels sorry for her. Is that so bad?

Okay, so, Maryjane, this is my father and my mother.

Okay, sweetie. I love you so much. Good night, okay.

Okay, we both wanted a kid but not each other,

Okay, well maybe I can meet you... Hello?

Okay, well, get ready because here's the amazing thing.

Okay, well, I actually have to be at the theater at like 7:00.

Okay, well, you set her up with a guy, what, four years ago?

Okay, well...

Okay, yeah, maybe I was hitting on you. But...

Okay, you're going to open it really fast? Are you gonna rip it open?

Okay?

Okay?

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay. Hold please.

Okay. Oh, great.

Okay. Okay, that's enough.

On how it's gonna affect him, and the right way to handle it, and all that.

On the off chance?

One foot. Other foot.

Open it! Open it!

Or any fancy place.

Or anywhere. We are going to keep them at home.

Or if I had to say you were back at your old weight when you weren't.

Or impregnate you ever again, as long as I live. I swear to God.

Or sneak into the movie theater for a double feature.

Our tragic marriage?

Our way of...

Over the last six months. Not that I'm particularly proud of, but...

People are fucking crazy.

People bake things and knit little hats...

People change, you know?

People, it's Manhattan, we're here to live the dream,

Perfect.

Please disregard what I just said.

Please don't do that.

Please, please, just let me fuck the shit out of you right now.

Please, please, please don't. Okay, thank you very much.

Please.

Plus he only likes hot girls with big tits. He doesn't find me even remotely attractive.

Pretty great, huh? What do you think, bud?

Probably not.

Probably.

PS 687 is the best public pre school.

Put myself together and good hair, two things.

Puts hair on your chest.

Ready for rocket ship? Here you go.

Really great.

Really?

Really? Already?

Really? I think you have a great nose.

Really? Is that what girls need? Are you going to tell me about what girls need?

Really? Me, too. How long?

Really? Well, Jule and Jase are here, so why don't you come out!

Really? Who remembers?

Really? Why didn't you ever tell me that?

Really. I was eating lunch.

Reinforcements flying in.

Remember at my dad's funeral? When they had sex in that...

Right now, all right? Because this is it.

Right, built in child care.

Right, they get all kinds of time together when the kid's with the ex,

Right? Because with early detection and vigilance...

Right? Either way you're dying.

Right? We made a deal, buddy, right? Let's get you to bed.

Right.

Right.

Right.

Right.

Right.

Right.

Right. I'm Jason. This is my son.

Right. I'm just confused. It's not like I really want him or something, right?

Right. Right. Of course.

Right. Right. Okay.

Right. We have the kid, share all the responsibility,

See how happy he is?

See, I thought you felt the same way.

See, that's my baby.

Seems to have it all.

Sense of humor.

Serious, you guys, everything's gonna be the same.

Seriously, a little sensitivity for the have nots, please.

Seriously, I expected a lot more out of these guys. A lot of big talk.

Seriously, look at all the men.

Seriously, so whatever happens, whatever the fuck happens,

Seriously!

Several notches above Andy on his best day.

She acts like I ****d her to have a kid.

She always buys a second ticket, always.

She gave me a fucking blowjob on the Taconic!

She got needy. And she voted for Bush. 2004, actually.

She is a skinny, flexible dancer, with a big rack.

She is so cool and smart and talented, and she doesn't want kids.

She is. I can't wait for you to meet her.

She literally does this position where her legs go behind her...

She over French pronounces French words.

She paid me $200,000

She wants to be back in the dating pool in six to eight weeks,

She won't even take the little shampoo bottles from the hotel room,

She would like me to unplug her, and I will.

She'll be fine. She's got a great

She's amazing, you're gonna love her.

She's insulting, I'm insulting, it's a terrible day for you.

She's moving in with me.

Shit, what do we tell our friends?

Shit!

Shit!

Sit. Thank you.

Six months to a year of awesome before we're plunged into babydom

Ski boots. Oscillating fan.

Ski trip! Leave in 20.

Slow down! Okay, okay, you know what? Hey.

Slow painful death by disease,

Smartest,

So how 'bout the whole Ben and Missy of it all?

So I can either call you a car, or maybe you want to come up for a drink,

So I just wanted to get it to you under the wire.

So I think it might end up being the same tightness overall.

So I'm gonna talk to you later, okay?

So if we can just raise our glasses.

So if you could just let it tear naturally...

So if you eat everything, and if you eat nicely,

So it's like...

So just boring? Flatline?

So just... You should go home.

So look, this is me.

So may I approach the bench?

So nice...

So the exercises paid off.

So there's none of that sex stuff to cloud the experience.

So we could still have the romantic part, right?

So we find her somebody younger, like your age.

So we just decided to do it.

So what are you saying?

So why didn't you guys ever even try being together?

So you can roll into evening if it's going well,

So you get to take him away from me?

So you're divorced?

So you're... That's your... Okay.

So, a life coach. What exactly does that mean?

So, are you guys all packed?

So, did you knock up a Catholic girl, or...

So, do I have the job?

So, have you guys thought about what you're gonna tell Joe when he gets older?

So, I just... You're very... You know...

So, I think it's an impressive, strategic move on his part.

So, I'm curious, whose idea was this anyhow?

So, I'm sorry, you said you had... Thank you. You had news. What's your news?

So, if you'll excuse me, I have to go shower, change,

So, Jase, how's work?

So, this is Joe.

So, wait, are Ben and Missy late, or...

So, what are we talking? Like once a...

So, what do you do?

So, you guys, tell me everything, what's been happening?

Someone's here to see you.

Something like that, yeah. Nice guy, though.

Something smells good.

Sorry about that, baby.

Sorry I said anything. Let's start again.

Sorry, do you wanna go get coffee with me, by any chance?

Sorry, go ahead.

Sorry, I have to take this.

Sorry, no. It's just stuff.

Sorry, okay.

Sorry.

Sorry. Hey, what do you want for your birthday, anyway?

Sorry. What, you guys aren't really back in the saddle?

Speaking of masturbating, who wants some chicken?

Stop it, it's a great idea.

Stop it. Stop it.

Stop it. Stop that.

Streak night in college.

Sweetie, are you...

Talk about him behind his back and leave him out of things?

Tell him he's a douchebag?

Terrible luggage.

Than myself die a slow painful death by disease.

Thank you all very, very much. Thank you.

Thank you for that.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you. He's so big, it could be that that just canceled out any looseness.

Thank you. Okay.

Thank you. We thought we'd try. See how far we get.

Thanks for sending me her Facebook page, by the way,

Thanks for taking him tonight. I had a really rough deadline.

Thanks for...

Thanks, Mom.

Thanks, Steph. Thank you.

Thanks, yeah, I think so.

Thanks.

Thanks.

Thanks.

Thanks.

That guy over there, is the Holy fucking Grail.

That hurts!

That is fully half of my life.

That is not that big of a deal.

That is true.

That it was going to be shitty for nine or ten months.

That it was just some, like, arrangement, so they could have sex with hotter people!

That makes me the villain.

That MJ's really something, huh.

That their parents want to be with other people,

That thing, whatever it is.

That was before your time. We went on a really fun trip.

That was good help, buddy, thank you very much.

That was my favorite.

That was such a... Right up there... It was...

That was you.

That we do, I just don't want to scare him, you know?

That... That's...

That'll make you mean.

That's as happy as he's ever going to be.

That's Ben over there.

That's better. I'm sorry I don't have big tits. I know that's your thing.

That's good and depressing.

That's his hungry cry. Just go feed him.

That's just the way it is.

That's Mommy, and that's Daddy. Can you believe that?

That's my shitty life.

That's nice. I don't need any gifts.

That's okay. I've seen your tits.

That's our deal, right? Let's get you your PJs, okay?

That's perfect. A call or a text would have been nice,

That's right. I gotta hand it to you guys,

That's so great. That's so great.

That's so nice of you.

That's two cards. Just so you know.

That's what Missy and I didn't have. When things were great, we were great.

That's what you need. You need a guy like Jim.

That's why you stay with someone

The good thing is, he won't notice the difference for another two years.

The kid's got shtick, already got shtick, this kid.

The loosening of the vagina

The nicest,

The part I just can't wrap my brain around?

The person you chose on the planet over absolutely everyone else to be with.

The rules presume that both deaths could occur.

The thing is, I'm old. ls the thing.

The truth is they just didn't want to end up like us.

The what?

Then I promise I will never try to kiss you, or fuck you,

Then start looking for your guy.

Then they get QT with the kid because it's special.

Then we were in line, a phone call...

Then you say you're not sure whose it is. You've been dating casually.

There he is.

There we go.

There, keep pushing.

There's no catch. Great guy, great dad, very successful contractor.

These don't fit that well, huh? I guess you're getting big.

They are a delight. Cheers.

They can. You can't mitigate risk to zero.

They don't want French fries flying into their plates, okay?

They get all the toxic unsexy stuff out of the way with the first person,

They had no idea.

They have sex way more than anyone we know.

They look beautiful.

They only have to deal with the kid half the time.

They told us before. We knew and we didn't want to say anything.

They'd probably revoke your parenting license or something.

They're just gonna fuck one time and have a kid.

They're not as promising.

They're not getting together.

Think about it, aneurysm, it goes fast, you don't even know it's happening,

Thirty five minutes? I think we're late enough.

This guy is amazing.

This has got nothing to do with you.

This is a guy who is a terrific friend, and he is a disaster romantically.

This is all very weird.

This is for your share, son.

This is good. Change is good. I'm telling you, I have at least four setups.

This is Julie, and this is MJ.

This is ridiculous.

This was the romantic part.

This year, or next year, or whenever,

Thought it would be more romantic to take our time, stop along the way.

Three months.

To all normal people who struggle and make sacrifices

To be honest, you can't really walk around with that

To Jase and Jule.

To try and sell beer.

To us, specifically and in general.

To witness this grand experiment in progress.

Totally makes sense to me.

Tougher than the LSATs.

Troy.

Twice.

Two seconds, we'll be right back. Two seconds.

Unless you marry a divorced guy with kids.

Unless you're in a plane that goes down in the ocean

Until I'm certain we're fully committed to one another.

Wait a minute, I just got him. Don't take him away.

Wait, so who was this guy again?

Wait, wait. Hold my hand.

Wait, your message got cut off. You didn't like Russell? He's gorgeous.

Wait. I just...

Wall Street guy, looking to clear his conscience kind of thing?

Was it just not a good idea?

We are never going to bring our kids to a place like this.

We can have ice cream for dessert.

We didn't want to be anywhere near each other.

We don't know those people. Those people are mean, and angry, and...

We don't want to fall into the trap that most of our friends have...

We gotta get your shoes off. Let's put you in the bed. Real quick.

We had been going through the motions for years, for the kids,

We had this great plan that we would raise a kid together,

We have the same taste, we have the same sense of humor.

We just don't want to subject that kid to our tragic marriage.

We just fell out of love.

We love each other, we trust each other, we're responsible, gainfully employed,

We ran into a couple of his friends from work downstairs...

We saw an ER episode where the woman got spinal meningitis

We should say good night to your dad. It's way past your bedtime.

We used to have a ski share every winter, so just try and keep up.

We want to do it in a way that doesn't kill the romance and...

We were just drinking heavily by ourselves.

We'll be right there, you guys! This is so exciting!

We're all men, right? I mean, I showed up a man, I'm pretty sure.

We're excited.

We're friends, and she really wanted a baby. So, you know, this is my life now.

We're gonna be fine.

We're gonna put it right over there. Don't get too close to that fire.

We're literally going to see you in two hours.

We're not Mormons or old timey people. We don't exactly have a way of life, babe.

We're not quite there yet.

We're pregnant.

We're so sorry.

We've got quiche Lorraine, and spinach, too.

We've had two dinner dates, and late drinks, she calls to cancel at the last minute,

Well done, doll. Did you do this through your boss?

Well that's not gonna happen.

Well, at least Ben and Missy will be there. That's big.

Well, Daddy sleeps in his house, and you know what?

Well, do you want us to wait for you guys, we have room for...

Well, I'm with Maryjane.

Well, it wouldn't be awesome but better them than me.

Well, look, I know for my part, I'm not gonna introduce Jule to my kids

Well, maybe this drop dead beautiful woman who owns the "claw" will let you...

Well, she's an amazing dancer, so you can imagine how flexible she is.

Well, sometimes we can be loud, too.

Well, then, you told the guy whom you only slept with once, me,

Well, we also have the advantage of... We're not sleeping together,

Well, we've been filling out the world's most ridiculous kindergarten application for Cole,

Well, what would we tell our future people?

Well, where's Kurt?

Well, yeah, we gotta get down to business here, sweetie.

Well, you got back out there, and we're all real proud of you.

Well, your mom will cry, and my dad will write a check.

Well...

Well...

What about you, Maryjane, do you want to have kids?

What am I supposed to do with that?

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

What better woman could I have picked to be the mother of my child?

What do you mean? That's happening right now.

What happened?

What if I meet my guy while I'm pregnant?

What is it, huh? You wanna look?

What is it?

What is the tits thing? I sort of get it now, but...

What more responsible choice could I have made?

What that I can get in the next three hours?

What?

What?

What? "it" for her?

What? Doll, that's great.

What? With Kurt?

What's the catch?

What's up, guys?

What's wrong with your nose?

Whatever.

When he finds out that his parents never loved each other?

When we're having guests over? Jesus!

When you're not busy crashing elementary school functions.

Where is everybody? I thought I'd be the last.

Which basically means 45 minutes.

Which is nice, but cancer, you get to prepare, say your goodbyes,

Which was already wrapped and paid for and two blocks from his office...

Which would you rather?

Who are available and ready to commit in their late thirties?

Who do we know, good guys,

Whose dick did you kiss to get the company pen, you know what I mean?

Why am I dying? Why is this fun?

Why are you proud of that? It's gross.

Why doesn't Daddy sleep in our house?

Why don't you feed him?

Why don't you stop hitting me? It's a pain in the ass.

Why would you wanna bring your kids to a place like this?

With a different woman every couple of months.

With a laptop and a sandwich.

With something as important as bringing a child into the world,

With us? That's different.

World of pain coming.

Wow, do you always talk this much?

Wow, does that move really work on people...

Wow, thanks, Al.

Wow, that is bold!

Wow, that's a mouthful.

Wow, that's big. You ready for it?

Wow, this is coming off very gay. And I am straight, 100%.

Wow, you are such a pig! You're a complete pig!

Wow, you get square footage in Brooklyn, huh?

Wow, you must be Kurt.

Wow.

Wow. Someone got lucky.

Wow. Thanks for saying that.

Yeah,

Yeah, a year or two.

Yeah, but the proof is in the pudding. I mean, he's a great kid.

Yeah, do you want to say hi to "claw"?

Yeah, give everybody the food...

Yeah, he's actually my neighbor's dog.

Yeah, I figured out the thing I kept fucking up, it was the lever...

Yeah, I had no idea what a big deal this whole thing was.

Yeah, I heard about that, too.

Yeah, I mean, meeting the friends, and Jason and dancer girl with the tits.

Yeah, I meant all of them.

Yeah, if you survive it.

Yeah, it's the six of us, and Katherine. Unless you break up with her before then.

Yeah, just a second...

Yeah, just spitball.

Yeah, no, I mean we definitely read all the books, and articles and...

Yeah, of course, it's fine.

Yeah, really.

Yeah, sure, it turns out I'm much better with shit than she is.

Yeah, thanks a lot, Al.

Yeah, that wasn't great.

Yeah, that'd be perfect, beat the system.

Yeah, that's fine.

Yeah, that's fine. Just make it a breakfast.

Yeah, they're probably in hell.

Yeah, we know. Do you have to make it a 45 minute production

Yeah!

Yeah?

Yeah? Okay.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. Is she nice? Does she have any sort of personality?

Yeah. Yeah. Maybe.

Yep.

Yep.

Yep. All day.

Yep. And I only had to blow him like three times.

Yes it is, ljustjut it out a lot because I'm self conscious.

Yes, I've had a few one night versions of that

Yes, yes.

Yes?

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes. It's annoying.

You all right?

You always said if I was on a date and it was going well, to just go for it.

You always want to find some way to stay above the fray, right?

You and Joe. Just you and Joe.

You are good on your feet. Your pitches must go great.

You are one extremely handsome German man.

You are so terrible at this. You are so bad.

You are such a pumpkin.

You are such an asshole.

You are.

You can get out this way. Please.

You can see him whenever you want, as much as you want.

You can take these up to your place, right?

You can't change the rules, Jase. You gotta pick.

You don't think Gladys is working out?

You don't think it's insulting to our way of life?

You don't want that. You don't want your brother.

You gonna carry the boots, Cole?

You got visitors, the in laws, everyone's around,

You guys are super progressive and cool and all of that shit,

You guys didn't think any of this through.

You guys, I mean it. No, no, no. We're doing so well.

You have no idea.

You have? When?

You know I'd pay for school. I've always said that.

You know I'm gonna need to get down there at some point,

You know what the hardest part is to me, though?

You know what, Benny?

You know what, can you guys watch him for a second?

You know what, guys? I think that they are really struggling.

You know what, I feel like there are so many unconventional parenting situations,

You know what, we don't actually allow sweets this early in the day.

You know what? I'm not gonna find my guy till post baby,

You know what? This is what we'll do. We'll open the present real fast

You know what? We have Sunday, right?

You know, because you only get one shot at a first impression.

You know, I didn't want him to...

You know, I just want somebody.

You know, I think I'm gonna stick around, go tomorrow with Jule.

You know, I've loved this girl for 19 years, Ben.

You know, it's just always been a thing for me, like...

You know, nothing really. There's no big story there.

You know, old friends and new.

You know, some people just aren't meant to be parents.

You know, was this a terrible idea? Not the thing, not the plan, but this way.

You know, why don't we just dial it down a notch? I mean, it's a ski trip!

You know, you go through pregnancy

You know.

You like this?

You look a little...

You look beautiful, by the way.

You look gorgeous.

You made a totally irresponsible decision about a kid!

You make the rest of us look bad.

You might want to have a few key discussions, you know?

You never go short, right? You can't wear heels...

You never opened your gift from last year,

You open the door, your kid runs in and gives you a big hug,

You really think Troy's doing great

You see? I don't know how you get to be the most important person to your person

You should know that. Don't let the hair product fool you.

You tell me!

You think that I haven't thought this through?

You think that we don't love each other?

You thought I was an asshole,

You wanna come up?

You wanna open it, sweetie?

You want me to get it? I'll get it, I'm doing everything else.

You want to be already divorced, with a kid, so you can meet the man of your dreams?

You want to be with under the worst possible circumstances.

You want to have a kid, but without all the shit that comes with marriage.

You wanted to keep the kid 'cause you're old.

You were?

You would rather watch the love of your life die slowly and painfully?

You're all glowy.

You're gonna hit on me with a baby? That's terrible. Boo!

You're my best friend.

You're my family.

You're not a widow, that's not what "widow" means.

You're okay.

You're really sweet.

You're saying it's it for her. I mean, she's not dying.

You're stalling.

You're such a jerk, I hate you...

You're the love of my life, Jule. You're my person, and...

You're welcome.

Your chin's not weak.

Your momma is my baby.

Your vagina looks like a jellyfish.

38, 32, not so much.

A late lunch. A late lunch, yes.

A little bit mean. Just a couple of times. She's gone. I'm gonna kill her.

Alex. MJ. Hi, I'm Alex.

All over the place. Yeah, 'cause when you're dealing

All right, I got you. All right.

And let's do this. Okay.

And that's you. Wait. Wait.

And what about... I don't want ketchup!

And you have a baby. Yeah.

Are you kidding me? Look.

Are you not okay with this? What?

But he got your upper lip, thank God. And hopefully my sense of humor.

But she's Kegeling. Talking about Kegeling?

But there's no guy. Great.

Bye! Bye. Good night, buddy boy.

Bye. Bye.

Bye. How about a kiss. Just kidding.

Bye. Say good night to Daddy.

C) Kay? C)Kay

Callie told you? Yeah.

Can we get another? Thank you.

Can you do it? Yeah, can you deal with the coffee?

Can you imagine? There, see. See how fat I look.

Cheers! Cheers!

Cherry popped. So to speak.

Come on, that doesn't make you mean. Maybe it does.

Come on. Let me just dim the lights a little bit.

Come on... I think it's hate your mom.

Dad... Oh, no, no, it's fine.

Death by drowning or fire? Not now!

Did you do the mobile? Mobile...

Did you enjoy the show? Oh, my God, it was amazing!

Did you meet MJ? Yeah, we just met.

Did you say 1,400 something? Yes, ma'am.

Do you feel inadequate? Do you feel enormous?

Does that feel like not into you? No.

Even better. Except for my kid.

Excuse me? Both of us.

For real. It's fine.

Fuck you, why didn't you ask me? Fuck you, you were in Chicago.

Get the fuck out. No.

Go masturbate. Okay...

God, you didn't even tell me! It's not a big deal.

Good God, hello. This is Alex right here. MJ.

Good, nice to meet you. Holy God.

Gotta stop meeting like this. Hi, doll.

Great, you're the best. Okay.

Great. Okay, try again.

Great. That's funny.

Guys, can you believe this? What?

Happy birthday, little fella. Thanks, haven't seen you in a while.

Happy birthday. Thanks.

Happy birthday. Thanks.

Have a kid. Get it over with. What?

Have fun. Thanks a lot.

He is a great kid. Yeah.

He is not... Yeah...

He wants me to meet his kids this weekend. Oh, yeah?

He's a criminal. Yeah.

He's good at that. No.

He's like an annoying dog of a brother. Right.

He's pretty special, huh? Yeah.

He's short for you. Yes. He's too short for me, right?

Hello! Hi.

Hello. Hey, Mom. Hey, Dad.

Here you go. Okay, bud.

Here. Thank you.

Hey, buddy, good to see you again. Yeah. I know. I know.

Hey, buddy. They know each other.

Hey, did you hear? They're closing Ollie's. No, I hadn't.

Hey, did you meet MJ? I did. I met her.

Hey, doll, you did great. Thanks.

Hey, everybody! Do you wanna top up?

Hey, guys. Hey, Alex.

Hey, hey, hey, guys... I'm being serious!

Hey, hey, hey, where you going? Oh, sweetie, I'm sorry. I'm going home.

Hey, Jase, did you remember to get... Of course, I did.

Hey, man. Hey! Oh...

Hey, man. Well done.

Hey, Marcy. Hello, sweetheart.

Hey, Troy. Hello.

Hey! Happy Birthday.

Hey! This is MJ.

Hey. Hey, how we doing?

Hey. Oh, thank God you're here.

Hey. Oh, there's Jason.

Hey. What the hell was that about?

Hey. Hi, guys. Hi.

Hi, Alex. How are you? How are you?

Hi, beauty. You look so pretty.

Hi, I'm MJ. Sorry, this is Julie.

Hi. Happy birthday.

Hi. Hey, how are you?

Hi. How's it going?

Hi. Your kids are adorable.

Hi. How are you? I'm Marcy.

Hi. How are you? Good to see you. Nice to see you.

Hi. So happy to meet you. Nice to meet you.

Honey, please. MJ, I should warn you, we're pretty good.

How do you make that work? It is a fancy prison.

How old are they? She is seven, and the twins are five.

How was it? It was amazing.

How you doing? How's it going, man?

How? Up the morphine drip. You?

I am so sorry, man. I had no idea. It's fine. It's fine. It's...

I can't wait for you to meet her. Yeah, me, too.

I did. YOU did?

I do it. You wanna do it?

I do know that. Agreed. All right.

I do! I do! Thomas! Let's do this.

I do. I just love that...

I don't hate them... I love those.

I don't know them. All right.

I don't want to go. You're going. You should just go.

I feel totally inadequate. No,donT

I give it like three weeks. Poor Katherine.

I hate Brooklyn. Brooklyn is the new Manhattan.

I have a baby. Okay.

I know what I've said. After everything you said...

I know you want an espresso. Oh, please.

I know. Jase, I'm finally in a good place, okay?

I know. Oh, my God.

I know. Ready?

I know. Yeah.

I love touching your face. I love it when you do.

I love you. Okay. Love you, too.

I mean, it's hard, yeah. It's got to be hard. Sure.

I mean, like, I'm sore from overuse. Whoa, dude...

I mean, we definitely... We got into it.

I mean, you're... Did you... I lost weight.

I might have to murder him. Do you want me to put the sauce on?

I miss you a little. Yeah?

I think he hates me! No, he doesn't hate you, sweetie.

I think it's gonna be fun. Do you think it's too soon?

I think you should come up. No, it's okay.

I thought I had your blessing. You do.

I was named after shoes. It's a terrible name.

I was reading an article... Maybe you could shut the door.

I'll be right back. I want to hear your news. Okay.

I'll get it to you tomorrow. ...still couldn't find the time to pick it up.

I'm going on my date. Okay, bye, Jule.

I'm gonna have a kid no matter what. Well, me, too. At least one.

I'm gonna open one of these. Do that.

I'm Jason, by the way. I'm sorry. Maryjane.

I'm just not feeling my sparkliest. Listen to me! Pull it together.

I'm kidding. I'm gonna strangle you!

I'm moving in. Don't tell Alex. I want to stay forever. Can we?

I'm so sorry. No, it is my fault.

I'm sorry about my husband. I'm Leslie. Hi. It's okay. Hi. How are you?

I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry!

I'm sorry, is it something I said, or... Don't ask.

I'm sorry, what? Which would you choose?

I'm sorry. Are you all right?

I'm sorry. Don't be.

I'm sorry. Thank you. Thanks.

I'm sorry. You can't say shit like that to a kid.

I'm surprised. Oh, well.

If I kind of just... Oh, yeah, you do.

In here? In here.

Inside the tummy. Right there. That was you.

Is he asleep? Yeah.

Is Katherine there? Yeah.

Is that what it's come to? Come on.

It was bad. I know, honey, you look good...

It was his. Hers.

It was yours. It was mine?

It's a shame he got my nose. I know. And my weak chin.

It's all right, buddy. Hey, Jule, can you take him?

It's been a while. Yes, it has.

It's coming! I feel like it's coming out of my ass!

It's fine, it's fine. He sounds pretty upset.

It's fucking sweet of you to even notice. You did. You look good.

It's just gas. Oh, good.

It's just weird. I know.

It's kind of a big deal. Really?

It's like two cards. It's two cards.

It's wet. Who made it wet?

Jason! No, I do. I absolutely do

Jesus Christ. That was unbelievable.

Jesus. How 'bout just the Ben of it all? Right?

Joe had explosive diarrhea. Oh, no.

Julie. I'm Julie.

Just forget it's me for a second. Okay.

Just help us raise our kids. Please.

Just take him, please. Of course, of course. I got him.

Kidding. Really?

Kurt seems like a nice guy, though. Yeah. As long as Jule's happy.

Kurt, huh? Yeah.

Last question. Shoot.

Look at that. That's yummy.

Look, we really wanna have a kid. Yeah.

Love you guys. Cheers. Cheers.

Marcy, it's so nice to meet you. It's nice to meet you.

Maybe a little bit. Yeah.

Maybe pick up a little bit? I was in the bathroom.

Me, too. I think it's gonna work out really well.

More when the grandparents visit. Oh, my God.

Morning, Gord. Morning.

My God, he's fine. He'll be fine. I'll put him in there. He'll fall asleep.

Neither. No, it's a game. You have to choose.

Nespresso machine. Done.

Never noticed that before. Yeah.

Nice to meet you finally. Of course. I've heard so much about you,

Nice. I read it.

Night, doll. Night.

Night, you guys. Night.

No, because he's on your team. Right. How do I do that?

No, honey. Yeah, it's Jason. You know? I know.

No, I don't really... Open it, Mommy!

No, no, we hate those people, too... We hate them. We hate them.

No, no. We just told them. We just told them.

No, no... Oh, no!

No, our tragic marriage. The one we would have.

No, that's okay, buddy. I want Daddy to put me to bed!

No, this is temporary. So calm down. Is this for me?

No! Seriously?

No. No.

No. Yes, she did.

No... Like, four months ago.

Not everybody is the same. Right.

Not just that. You think he feels sorry for her.

Nothing's gonna change. Of course.

Off topic. Sony.

Oh, I don't know, I'm not ready yet... She thinks her vagina's too loose.

Oh, I got you. I got you. You want Kurt? You want Kurt?

Oh, I have some news. Oh, yeah?

Oh, I want them so much, don't you? Are you kidding? Of course, I do.

Oh, my God, I'm so annoyed with you. Fingers crossed.

Oh, my God, really? It's literally 17 pages of stuff like,

Oh, my God, that's amazing! Congratulations!

Oh, my God. What is this?

Oh, my God... To do... I think that means this, is that...

Oh, my goodness. Joe power!

Oh, my gosh, you guys. I know, right?

Oh, no... No, we're not going to get together.

Oh, no... That is so fucking insulting!

Oh, now I'm insulting? Yes!

Oh, really? A little something.

Oh, sweetie, no. Please. I got it, it's fine.

Oh, thank you. Yeah, it's your ears I would worry about.

Oh, that was a great trip. It was.

Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah.

Oh, you are so mean! I'm joking!

Okay, babe, love you. Bye.

Okay, buddy, you just go with this, okay? Okay, let's sit. Can you sit?

Okay, it's freezing, and I have no idea... I said that I would rather live

Okay, okay. ls everything okay?

Okay, so you're not married. No.

Okay, sweetie, we're gonna go to bed. Daddy, open present.

Okay, you know what, I'll see you later. Yeah, yeah.

Okay? All right. And what about the other ones?

Okay. Daddy, stay!

Okay. Keep me posted.

Okay. Let's go.

Okay. So, I'm probably gonna head out...

On all the various... I mean... Right.

Once a month, is what we're talking. What?

One of which is promising. Okay.

Or comment on? Right.

Our friends, Barbara and Dave. Dave and Barbara.

Phil, give him the gift. Right.

PJs? Top left.

Please don't do that. I'm sorry.

Poor Kath. What?

Pretty cool. That is cool.

Qkay, Yeah C) Kay?

Real fast. Okay.

Really, really. Okay, look me in the eye...

Really? Alex!

Really? He's like, he's a man.

Really? Really, really.

Really? Yeah.

Really? That's it? Congratulations.

Really... I'm just kidding.

Right? Yeah, pretty much.

Right. God, yeah.

Right. It's like the perfect setup. Or you could just not have kids.

Right. Of course not. Because that's... That's gross.

Right. Yes. Yes.

Say good night. Bye.

Seriously, though... God!

She did, they were enormous. Such an asshole.

She does. I do.

She's, like, mean to me sometimes. She is?

Six months and a week. Exactly.

Slightly effeminate. ...kind of gay.

So cheers. Thanks, man.

So great we're all here. Yeah, I know.

So what was wrong with him? Nothing. He couldn't have been nicer.

So, 14 total. Yeah.

So, don't worry. Okay, we gotta run.

So, you're on duty tonight. Okay.

So? So, 28, 22, that's hot.

So... Wait a second.

Sorry, I must have pressed the wrong Oh, no, no, no.

Sorry, it's kind of a mess. Oh, no, it's great.

Sure. Daddy, stay!

Sure. No, that makes sense. Yeah.

Take it up top. Take it up top. Who's that? Who's that?

Thank you for saving us. Heavily. That's the best.

Thank you very much. The place looks amazing.

Thank you. Thank you.

Thanks for coming out, man. Yeah, sure.

Thanks, Ben. Sorry, we knew.

Thanks. Wow, you look great.

Thanks. Thanks a lot. No, no, no. I'm sorry.

That is one long, bad mood. Yeah, no shit.

That is such great news. That's so nice.

That was really sweet. You're really sweet, baby.

That was you in Mommy's tummy. You were in that tummy.

That's amazing! I know, isn't it?

That's Ben and Miss. Yeah, we haven't seen them.

That's even worse. I don't know whose it is.

That's lovely. We're proud of you.

That's Mommy and Daddy. That's just terrible. Terrible hair.

That's my dad. Hi, Phil. How are you?

That's okay. Stay and open present, Daddy!

That's terrible. Yeah. I needed an out.

That's unfair. Why?

That's what we... Yeah, no, that's great.

The ones born in wedlock? They're fine, thank you.

Then I'm a slut. Okay, all right.

Then, no thank you. No, it's fine. Come up. She...

There's no line. Yeah, we'll catch up.

They seem totally on board. Yes. They're on board.

They're so fucked. So fucked.

They've been busy. That is amazing...

This food is amazing! It is good!

This is clean. Simple. You know? Yes, yes.

This way? Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Three to four. Okay, thanks.

Three trains or a $70 cab ride? That's even? Please don't do this.

To have... Yes. I believe so.

Twenty minutes ago. What?

Us. I mean, see,

We were looking at the tree... And then slammed into me.

We'll see you up there. Thank you.

We're doing the Bud Super Bowl spots. Excuse me.

We're not drunk. Not yet. No.

Welcome back. Thank you.

Well, I better get going. Oh, yeah, of course. Yeah.

Well, she's dating right now so I have to... No, I know.

Weren't they at that thing at the... Nope.

What are the odds? Wow, that is so great.

What do you want? Slow painful death by disease.

What have I got in here? What did you bring?

What if I wasn't? What?

What is Kegeling? It's exercises to strengthen your vagina.

What is that sauce, is that mushrooms? It's amazing.

What was that? What?

What? I'd like to revise my earlier answer.

What? It's just us.

What? No, I know it gets big. Leslie told me.

What? Nothing.

What? What?

What? You get two houses to sleep in

What? They're enormous, right? They're big.

What. .. They went to the bathroom...

What's that? A video.

What's wrong with you? No, no, no, hey, I'm a free agent.

When did that happen? I don't know.

Where do I... Go talk to your guy. Go talk to your guy.

Where do you want this, hon? Right there is fine. Thanks.

White collar. You can make that work. Really?

Who wants champagne? Right here.

Who was in prison! God!

Who'd you run into? Yeah.

Who's that? You wanna know who this is?

Whose big idea was that? Stop it. You guys.

Why are you so upset? Why?

Why do you have to call it "fucking," man? Oh, do we have to do this?

Why don't we just do it? Do what?

Why? Because it's an affront to us. To us? Like specifically to us?

With that waitress? Yeah.

Wow, and you were so worried. I know, I know, I mean...

Wow. That's wonderful.

Wow. Okay, Judge Judy. Judge“.

Wow. That's noble. Thank you.

Wow... How's it going?

Wrapped? Oh, wrapped would be so great.

Yeah, I guess. Here, let's pull your arm right through here.

Yeah, I'm fine. You sure?

Yeah, maybe. Do you mind? Yeah, sure.

Yeah, of course. Are you sure you still want to...

Yeah, of course. Oh, my God.

Yeah, of course. We brought some wine, if you...

Yeah, something like that. I'm sorry, doll, that sucks.

Yeah, yeah. Hey, babe. Hi.

Yeah. Good job.

Yeah. You're gonna rip it open?

Yes, sweetie, if you need sugar, cream... Gosh, look at you guys. Thank you...

Yes, you did. They both knew going in

Yes. You're right.

Yes. We have to be quiet. Is this for me?

You can't even tell. I can tell.

You can't look up and... Yeah. Yeah. I know.

You can't... Yeah, we're gonna be cool.

You decent? Yeah.

You did mobile. I did mobile, and the train thing,

You do not sound excited. I'm excited!

You don't think she's really upset, do you? No.

You don't, right? Yeah. I don't.

You happy? Yes.

You have a problem. I have many.

You have never... He is too short for me, right?

You haven't seen Jule? No, can you imagine?

You know what I mean. It's a brave new world, honey.

You know what I think? What?

You know, ish. lsh.

You know? Well, maybe we just got a good one.

You know... Yeah.

You like your freedom. I like it.

You look good. Thanks, you, too.

You look great. Thank you.

You need help, sweetie? No, no, I'm all right.

You promise to go right to bed. I want Daddy to put me to bed!

You sure? Yeah, it's fine.

You think he feels sorry for her? What? No.

You understand that? I know. I'm sorry.

You wanna tear it open? Sure.

You want this? Thank you.

You want to tell me what that was about? Sorry.

You were stunning. Absolutely stunning. Thank you. Thank you.

You? Thursday.

You're a super douchebag. I'm kidding!

You're not gay. No.

You're not so bad yourself. Oh, no, no.

You're such an asshole. I know.

...Dated anyone near your height. Is that right?

...Greatest fuck in your life... Hey!

and that Titty McTittenheimer... Hey!

come back at 1:00 if you want? No, no, no, I'll ski tomorrow. It's fine.

l ley! Hi!

l ley.

that I'm dealing with right now. What do you mean?

we're not dead yet. Right.

'BYE bye. Bye.

'Cause right now I just really want to have sex with you.

"DaW!" That's right, bud. "DaW!"

"What are your child's most promising attributes?"