Man with a Plan (2016) - Season 1 Edit

A '61 Triumph, just like the kind Steve McQueen had.

A And I also hope that this little misunderstanding

A And no trying anything for the first time.

A And not to walk on, just to look at.

A And the new information?

A And what about the baggage?

A and you don't have baggage with Andi.

A bar? That's worse than a ditch!

A boop

A boy flirted with Kate for the first time,

A brother waits a lifetime for something like this.

A bucket of water for the key chain would help.

A cheerleader from the other school

A couple beers, game on TV.

A couple carpools, couple play dates.

A couple more minutes.

A couple of times to scare the spiders.

A dirt bike.

A doll house!

A fake steering wheel in the backseat

A foot massage under false pretenses.

A full bag of hot dog buns

A Get Out of Jail Free card.

A giant container of wine corks. (gasps)

A gift basket? They're doing some amazing stuff

A golden egg.

A good, smokin' hot mother.

A gourd and pretends it...

A gut feeling that this kid is no good. I just need proof.

A Hawaiian night. Ooh

A holiday roll, man.

A librarian fall in love with me..

A little bit late this morning. No mustard on mine.

A little bit of that,

A little boring, yes, but at least you could be trusted.

A little free advice:

A little thank you for taking me to the game.

A little too empty.

A little too on the wall.

A little too quiet.

A little.

A lot happened tonight while you were gone.

A lot longer than you can.

A lot of housewives get like that.

A lot of really cool tools,

A nice apartment. Yeah.

A person can only buy so many nightgowns

A picture's not a bad idea.

A plan "B."

A pressing family situation I need to handle,

A punch in the nose

A puppet theater.

A seagull attacked me once

A slight exaggeration

A small table. Yeah.

A special lunch to celebrate.

A studio apartment is just one room.

A Supreme Court justice, or a...

A swimsuit model forever.

A teenager's phone is like their diary, right?

A tracking app, so we can turn it on

A turtle. Yay!

A very high stakes arm wrestle to my wife.

A Web site for these guys? Me.

A wife, a mother, a tender lover.

A wood chipper.

A, uh... you're a..

Aah! Okay. I knew you were gonna do that!

About a kale salad for dinner?

About Andi and that guy at work?

About Andi's friend, Bob?

About every little thing I ask him to do.

About everything

About feet. I got the title.

About how things work in my house, okay?

About how what you do affects me.

About real stuff, if you don't mind.

About something else. (laughs)

About the boys getting out of Lord of the Dance.

About their two week vacation to Hawaii.

About this blue pill?

About this game has been the truth?

About transferring her because you have to work too hard,

About Victor.

About where babies come from.

About you taking Andi to the Steelers game.

Above the waist and I can't believe I have to say this

Absolutely

Accidentally hooked her.

Accidentally shocked me...

Accidents happen.

According to my mother, that's how the wood knows he cares

Actually, I'm from Philadelphia.

Actually, it made me think.

Actually, it wasn't him, it was me.

Actually, uh, I didn't weave it,

Adam

ADAM and ANDI: Oh, ho, ho, ho.

Adam and I are gonna be talking about how wonderful this is

Adam Burns

Adam is trying to say is...

Adam made a people sized house all by himself

Adam sailed through high school.

Adam thinks he donated your wedding dress

Adam was just walking me to the door

Adam,

Adam, he has to be stopped. I know

Adam, I don't know if you know this,

Adam, I don't like what happened between you and your father

Adam, I got this from my grandmother.

Adam, I threw out your singing fish.

Adam, it wasn't just one day.

Adam, let me talk to you for a minute in the kitchen

Adam, listen to me,

Adam, look, a baby

Adam, she's not answering.

Adam, she's not picking up.

Adam, this is not funny.

Adam, what did you do?

Adam, what happened to all the cookies

Adam, what's up?

Adam, why haven't you been going to the doctor?

Adam, you are being a moron for ignoring your health

Adam, you know I love Andi.

Adam, you're grasping at straws now.

ADAM: Exactly.

ADAM: Hey, Ma

ADAM: Hey, there's my Christmas elves.

ADAM: Hey.

ADAM: Hi. Hey.

ADAM: Katie!

ADAM: Lowell,

ADAM: Mm hmm

ADAM: Mm hmm

ADAM: No, no,

ADAM: Oh, I had

ADAM: Oh, uh, my parents, Bev and Joe.

ADAM: Oh. I love him

ADAM: Oh..

ADAM: Okay,

ADAM: Okay, Emme.

ADAM: Okay, I got my keys,

ADAM: Okay, so

ADAM: Okay.

ADAM: Okay.

ADAM: Yeah and when that little girl

ADAM: Yeah.

ADAM: Yeah. Yeah, and then by the time

ADAM: You didn't hang up, I can still hear you

Adam!

Adam!

Adam! Adam!

Adam! Adam!

Adam! Ah. Oh, here, here, here, here.

Adam?

Adam?

Adam?

Adam?

Adam.

Adam. What are you doing here?

Adam's gonna kill me, but okay.

Adios!

Adorable.

After all, I am the captain.

After Donny paved the way,

After that truck thing, I'll follow you anywhere.

After this three hour journey

After we punish her, I'm gonna make her show me how to do that,

After we talked this morning!

After you guys left,

After you hear what he has to say about his kid,

Ah

Ah, come on. Spill it.

Ah, guys like that never listen to me. Yeah.

Ah, I just need a signature on these release papers.

Ah, look at your wife.

Ah, she's had her time.

Ah, so you got my e mail.

Ah, Valentine's surprise number one.

Ah, well, when you live with them,

Ah, what's this?

Ah, you got it, Pops

Ah, you think so, huh?

Ah, you're a traditionalist.

Ah!

Ah!

Ah! The bat's out here!

Ah.

Ah.

Ah.

Ah.

Ah.

Ah.

Ah. Because secretly, I want a dirt bike.

Ah. My kid's in Teddy's class

Ah. Or...

Ah. They make sense now.

Ah...

Ah... Slow down. Slow.

Aha!

Aha!

Aha!

Aha! For real, this time.

Alicia!

Aliens probing your butt,

All access passes to the car show this weekend.

All aphrodisiacs

All he wants is to feel needed

All I got was this old notebook.

All I had to do was promise that neither of us

All I know is,

All I need is the other stuff.

All in favor?

All in the same sweater.

All kinds of crazy gifts.

All opposed?

All our Christmas Eve traditions down there, right?

All our other work for this job

All our real decorations are in the garage,

All right

All right, all right

All right, all right, all right, Lowell, let's speak freely.

All right, all right, so let me get this straight

All right, all right, that's it,

All right, all right.

All right, and I'm see how much it costs

All right, babies,

All right, between you and me,

All right, but, um, sweetie,

All right, bye.

All right, come on, let's just start throwing this junk out.

All right, Emme,

All right, Emme, let's bring it in for some kisses

All right, fine, I'll handle it.

All right, fine. I'll give you your trial run.

All right, fine. Then I'm going with, uh, Jennifer Lawrence.

All right, get in there.

All right, good.

All right, hold on.

All right, I got to go. You call me if you need me.

All right, I gotta go. Bye.

All right, I I'll be home in a minute.

All right, I mean, first I was freaking out

All right, I mean, that does sound pretty good.

All right, I'm done talking to you

All right, I've had enough.

All right, keep it moving, Burns. Let's go.

All right, kiddos, upstairs, do your homework.

All right, let him in.

All right, let's find out where she really is.

All right, let's go.

All right, let's go.

All right, let's hit the road.

All right, let's try this again.

All right, look,

All right, look, Andi thinks

All right, look, honey,

All right, look, I know we agreed to never touch it,

All right, look, we don't have time

All right, look.

All right, Lowell and Jen'll be here any minute.

All right, Lowell, you tell Andi that

All right, Mom and Dad'll be here any minute

All right, Mom, Dad

All right, nothing will only take a second.

All right, okay, I'll kick in my share

All right, she's smokin'.

All right, so how do we get this done?

All right, so... so you're gonna unblock me every morning,

All right, three times three is nine.

All right, time to check and see

All right, um... you and the kids get started

All right, we'll have to

All right, we're going for ice cream!

All right, well, did you even try to find out

All right, well, go call Don. I can't.

All right, what do you want me to do?

All right, yeah. I'm on it. Surf's up

All right, you just think about

All right, you know what? I don't like your attitude.

All right, you old drumstick,

All right, you two

All right! (cheering)

All right?

All right?

All right?

All right?

All right?

All right? Even my homeroom teacher.

All right? I got tickets on the 50 yard line!

All right? I have not gone to the bathroom in 14 years

All right? I mean,

All right? She's got a million places to go,

All right? We can be that spontaneous, happy couple

All right? We don't need other people

All right? We made what happens

All right? You know my wife, you know my daughter.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right. I gave it a shot, Adam.

All right. I love you

All right. I think we said enough here

All right...

All she talked about was buying salsa from a nice Mexican lady.

All the parts of a good story, but still useless.

All these years and that was you.

All these years, I have regretted

All this conflict is not good for Jerome.

All this free time

All this is totally natural and beautiful.

All this party stuff looks great

All we ever do is fight.

All year, I've been working in this dump...

ALL: Happy Thanksgiving.

ALL: No!

Almost $2,000 a year

Already did. Already sent it.

Already has a mean, beautiful she bear

Already mixed in.

Also between you and me, I never said that.

Also known as the Tom and Jerry method.

Also like a mule, you can't walk up behind him or he'll kick you.

Although the presents are nice. Oh, yeah, I mean,

Always double check

Always making holes

Always remember,

Am I supposed to just let boys talk to her like that?

Amen. Amen. Amen. Amen.

An accident?

An alarm that I set for myself

An entire Thanksgiving dinner for 30 people.

An unopened box of birth control pills.

An upset stomach, but I feel great so,

Anatomically correct dolls, Sandy and Randy.

And a box of chocolates, and I'm gonna...

And a client was upset,

And a handsome prince had angered his princess

And a little bit of that.

And a little funny, but... (chuckles)

And a muffin from your favorite bakery

And Adam and I were,

And all Adam wants is for his dad to be proud of him

And all the red lights turn green!

And and and she's past the kind of hot that makes you mad.

And and and second, I accidentally

And and go to concerts, and...

And and I love that about you, but we both know

And and if you think about it,

And and then, you know, I'd say,

And and you can go to sleep. Right.

And and you're not mad?

And as far as I can tell,

And ask that you pretend they are not cartoon bears.

And at first, I was mad. But then I noticed,

And bandaging your paper cuts

And Barney went in 'cause he had a cough

And be number two with them.

And because she told me to.

And before Andi, I used to drive her

And believe me,

And better.

And break off a relationship

And bright red.

And call me a shaved gorilla.

And check her story.

And close the door!

And come back down in a dress calling yourself Jen? Huh?

And Dad won't be hard to trick. He still thinks

And didn't explain anything.

And do it twice daily for the foreseeable future.

And Don and I witnessed Mr. and Mrs. Ferguson

And Don can come to the meeting

And Don got all bent out of shape.

And Don yelled "Shotgun."

And Don. (laughs)

And Don's a fish tie guy

And don't forget to brush your teeth.

And don't worry, I'll put everything back.

And don't worry, this is definitely over

And drop it off for their fake sick kid.

And Emme learned every bad word ever.

And Emme was at my parents?

And empty.

And ended up in a home somewhere.

And everybody will live happily ever after

And expect that they'll find it.

And fill in for you as room parent?

And find us some presents.

And for Mother's Day, you got me a Sausage McMuffin

And from the delivery room window,

And give 'em a snack, or they turn into maniacs.

And give up one afternoon for their sake.

And give you a hand with the cooking

And going through your bills?

And good looking...

And got him a job fixing trucks for the city, just like me

And Grandpa your classroom, hmm?

And guess who's gonna build

And guilty

And guys were hitting on me all the time.

And had the truck detailed for when she throws herself at me

And happy

And have a "gab sesh."

And have some cheese fries and a beer

And have some fake doctors take a look at you?

And have to take his pants off again?

And having fun with them. Aw.

And he can repurpose this basket for so many things

And he cancelled their date.

And he knows when you've been nice.

And he was in rare form yesterday

And he was obviously lonely.

And he's finally growing into his ears

And here's where I make a terrible mistake.

And hit her with the flea flicker

And hose down the driveway in his tank top

And how are you coming with those 3 D models?

And how did you get a bald eagle to land on my shoulder?

And humiliated.

And I accidentally pushed "order."

And I already kissed the kids good bye.

And I am a stay at home dad,

And I am a woman.

And I am not gonna stand by

And I brought two friends of mine.

And I call him a jackass... Right.

And I can get a couple of 'em to cross the picket line

And I can lavish all of my attention

And I can't believe he built this house.

And I can't believe I have to say this,

And I crashed my motorcycle, I only wanted to talk to my dad,

And I did, every time.

And I didn't remember our first date anniversary thing,

And I don't like it.

And I don't think she overreacted at all.

And I don't want Katie dating him.

And I fell and broke my ankle.

And I figured if I could find her a mom, and... (knocking)

And I got Teddy this really cool funnel.

And I got to say,

And I got us a chance to bid on their new development.

And I guess it would be less work for us.

And I had to sweat the results out for a week

And I hate to miss that stuff.

And I have a sickness? I...

And I have loved you for a very long time.

And I have loved you for a very long time.

And I have made the unilateral decision

And I haven't been able to find a replacement

And I hope somebody has a baby

And I hope that one day,

And I I figured out an after school schedule,

And I just

And I just walked into the Batcave and caught you

And I just want to say I'm very sorry

And I know she got a nose job.

And I know you feel the same way

And I like it

And I looked up at the stars,

And I may be reading between the lines, but sounds to me

And I misplayed my hand terribly, so I'm here.

And I missed it?

And I missed the biggest milestone yet. Yeah.

And I need some old people to wear them.

And I never did it, and now I know what it was about.

And I only have to buy one plate.

And I open my mouth in surprise, as you do.

And I probably would have

And I put it where the corks were...

And I ran down there, right?

And I realized, after I made

And I said "you

And I saw an old, familiar friend, the hot dog.

And I say, "Sure, hold my hot dog."

And I say, if we make it on the kiss cam,

And I spent all my babysitting money on it

And I think that's okay. I mean,

And I think the only way out of this

And I think the whole class will miss him.

And I think your project does not need improving.

And I think... I think if I take him to the game,

And I took that opportunity to be the bigger man.

And I took you to the pound to try to trade you for a dog.

And I treated the pain with, uh, tequila.

And I want that on the record

And I wanted to make him happy.

And I wanted to take my brother, 'cause I love him

And I wanted to take my wife,

And I will kick you right in the tots.

And I wished with all my might

And I won't eat anything

And I would like to be at home.

And I...

And I'd be happy to help if you want.

And I'd have to be, like, "Here."

And I'll always be home in time for dinner

And I'll be free from the shackles

And I'll just tell them that you came to us first,

And I'll still get my magic moment Christmas morning.

And I'll tell all the other parents to bring something.

And I'll tell you another thing:

And I'm a giant turkey leg.

And I'm a pot of honey

And I'm buying you a BB gun.

And I'm confident I'm gonna be feeling the same way

And I'm gonna do it as well as I can.

And I'm gonna fix this.

And I'm gonna go grab a cup of coffee.

And I'm gonna have his party at our place

And I'm happy to have you, Pop

And I'm not dreaming?

And I'm not gonna sit back and watch it happen.

And I'm not looking for any kind of reward

And I'm not the one

And I'm out.

And I'm pretty sure he took my car out last night.

And I'm rolling out.

And I'm sorry this isn't what we expected,

And I'm standing here because I'm frozen with fear.

And I've decided we're doing it.

And if I know me,

And if I want to eat it, I got buy them some.

And if I'm careful, and I save the right stuff,

And if that happens,

And if the coast is clear in the kitchen?

And if you ever come near our daughter again,

And is it

And is that candy?

And it autocorrected to salami.

And it can help us.

And it doesn't have anything to do with

And it fell down by the time he was 23.

And it makes all the hard work worth it.

And it means the world to her

And it might make you mad, but...

And it totally excludes me.

And it turned out the tambourine was fun

And it was on.

And it wouldn't have been possible

And it'll be like it never happened

And it's all my fault.

And it's all thanks to you.

And it's bringing out the worst in you

And it's definitely not too little. (chuckles)

And it's his legal right

And it's my job to rehabilitate you

And it's not over yet.

And just build a mini mall

And just hides my address.

And just kicked it under the fridge.

And just remember even if you get

And just tell Andi you don't want her hanging out with that guy.

And Katie did the right thing: every time there was a problem,

And Katie's just like some cute seal

And keep doing what you're doing, you know?

And keep in mind, when I ask that question,

And keep your hands out of your pants!

And laugh.

And less work for you.

And let her learn from her mistakes.

And let you be treated like this.

And let's go get some ice cream, huh?

And like those bras, Katie has been through a lot.

And listen to Johnny Cash and eat my feelings

And look at the top half of naked women.

And look at this

And look at you.

And looked up to by his son?

And Lowell carried me two miles back to camp.

And Lowell was nice enough to give me another ride

And Lowell's candies

And make 'em start on their homework right away,

And make Joe an appointment,

And make me puppets.

And make sure they do everything the way I do.

And make them understand it's in their best interest

And Marcy keeps asking why Jen is with me.

And me happy, and the kids happy, and me happy.

And me watching the kids.

And metal clanking and people coming to life, it was like...

And miss it, just because of some stupid hole in the wall.

And Mommy and I will

And Mommy's drying rack?

And more importantly, she's not here.

And multiples of three is a crowd. (awkward laugh)

And my rear end's Omaha Beach

And never accomplishing anything.

And never discuss them, not even with each other

And no guest room. You'll like that.

And no sharp corners.

And no way in hell you're getting me through that door

And not be scarred for life.

And not explained.

And not from somebody else sitting on it.

And not the one that takes out her teeth during quiet time

And not the turkey that Teddy fed,

And now I'm helping her.

And now she knows it's my fault.

And now she's blasting him all over Instagram.

And now that lady likes him.

And now, I know I can

And now, we are gonna crush this Thanksgiving party

And old man Ferguson

And one time at work, I saw a guy fall off the roof

And our baby is gonna be an angel

And our relationship has been strained ever since.

And probably some busboy.

And protect my brother's feelings

And pushes it around in the stroller.

And put him in a good mood

And put it into making puppets.

And put me and Don back together.

And put on your listening ears.

And putting them back

And putting up a Walmart.

And quiet

And remember what it was like to be a child.

And right now we're in the space

And right now you've got to stop us

And said she didn't want you to stay with her 19 years ago,

And say it's from Lisa

And say, "Mom, you're fired

And say, "We have to keep our feelings a secret

And school starting back up tomorrow,

And second of all, if you're going to unilaterally

And see if I can towel off a sweaty Irishman.

And see where she goes.

And seeing all these miserable husbands

And settle this whole thing.

And she broke it. So anything that goes wrong here,

And she catches me all the time.

And she did have a nose job!

And she flipped her little ponytail at me and she said,

And she knows I like doing the thing you do to make a baby.

And she laughed

And she means the world to me.

And she started knocking things over like Godzilla.

And she was distracted, I managed to

And she, uh,

And she's freaking out.

And she's no Barbra Streisand

And she's not upset about that?

And she's ovulating.

And shoots one down my throat.

And since you hosted Don's birthday,

And snaps and Velcro, and I had them in every color.

And so it begins.

And some girls have... really weird ones and I just,

And something always, always screws it up.

And something's coming.

And sorry I forgot the napkins. Uh.

And sound effects.

And spoiled

And stare.

And start cyber stalking a 13 year old.

And stick our noses where they don't belong.

And still am.

And take the afternoon off.

And talking to a bunch of strangers.

And Teddy wasn't invited.

And tell her what a good job she's doing.

And tell my own parents to leave?

And that is Royce.

And that kind of attitude is why he doesn't invite you

And that little girl gets a butterscotch.

And that means

And that means I can't have any coffee

And that one move

And that rug

And that sealed the deal.

And that she can bring it in here,

And that thing I tried on New Year's Eve.

And that worked?

And that would be a fun thing.

And that you're fighting, and that's why you looked mad.

And that's game over.

And that's how I discovered my talent

And that's how you do that.

And that's when I realized I couldn't be

And that's when I started to sweat. A lot.

And that's why he's sticking his nose in your business now

And that's why you never do stuff without asking your wife.

And that's your bottom line?

And the book came with these two

And the Internet would say,

And the kids can go to camp,

And the lack of visibility will make it exciting.

And the lights are back on. Yeah.

And the only instruction you gave me

And the only thing that left the garage

And the only way I got out of it

And the other night, we... we made, um,

And the permits are taking longer than they're supposed to

And the quieter he got,

And the roller coaster peek a boo.

And the wind picked up?

And the woman yells at him.

And the year before that, you had to pet that coyote.

And then

And then afterward, we're gonna stop by my gym

And then Andi hands Katie to me and says,

And then block me again every night?

And then charge that to another credit card

And then I held her plate while she guac'ed her taco.

And then I looked out the window

And then I panicked and start throwing passengers overboard,

And then I'd never see the people I love again.

And then I'd veto your no,

And then I'm out of there.

And then it was just me wandering around the house

And then Katie fainted into the throw up.

And then leaving the computer out.

And then once we're married,

And then one day, Andi just threw them away.

And then she flipped her hair so hard

And then she stopped.

And then she threw up.

And then she was in school today, so...

And then take it away, I need a solution now.

And then Teddy.

And then the dryer went out a week later,

And then they did all the things.

And then they're laughing, 'cause they're buddies.

And then tomorrow..

And then we are making a baby

And then we are never gonna speak of this again.

And then when I went up to her room, she was sitting there,

And then you will annoy him until he goes

And then your dad had to cut you out

And then,

And then,

And then,

And then, 'cause I thought I'd never see happiness

And then, boom, we we're done.

And then, I'd veto your no, so then I just thought, hey,

And then, in 12 years, they'll all be gone.

And then, seeing Don and Marcy made it all come flooding back

And then, there was the last one

And then, when I get home... We're co captains.

And there it is.

And there, in the window, is a leather suit. Okay?

And there's a naked lady on his iPad?

And there's hardly any alcohol in there,

And they all suck

And they are taking care of everything.

And they had to fix them.

And they love it.

And they really, really love each other.

And they said their daughter was sick and left early.