Extras - Season 2 Edit

A big fat hairy silver backed gorilla or a Thomson's gazelle?

Again!

Again!

Ah, Andy Millman.

Although you're happy to tell me when you're sleeping in your car

Always know when to cut your losses. Let's go.

And charity events, just begging forgiveness.

And he used to sing in the operating theatre.

And if he does, it'll be the best thing that happened to this company

And it's due to people like that. All right?

And made it a lowest common denominator sort of comedy.

And now for your delectation, may I present Gobbler and Kimberley

And tell Count Fuckula. Oh, yeah, he loves him.

And then I insulted you and you made me take it back.

And you need to have a bath, then you can't keep your mouth shut,

Anyway, give me your number. We'll meet up again.

Anywhere you want to go, up to say a maximum value of £15.

Apparently Vernon Kay uses that.

Are you friends?

Are you having a laugh? Is she having a laugh?

Are you sure you can come to the pub?

Arundall Court, opposite the BP garage.

As you know he's thinking of investing in us.

Barry and I were scouring the internet and we found a glowing review of your sitcom.

Barry keeps you talking whilst you and I get down to it.

Barry, don't look round, right,

Because one of the patients he was operating on

Because the BBC have interfered and sort of chased ratings

Bits of it were funny.

Boobs! Jilly, look. 58,008. Boobs!

Boobs.

Both. Get both. Anyway, always nice to see you, mate.

Budge up a bit, Linda. Thank you.

But I don't look like a Punchaganowno.

But I'm still not sure you should have let Gobbler organise

But mention the 20 in any anecdote slagging me off.

But this you're keeping shtum about?

By something from The Hills Have Eyes.

Can I just say that I think you're the most amazing comedy actor on television?

Can we come in 'cause we're getting no action out here?

Can you just step away from the rope?

Can't do that every day. Say it's, I don't know, three months of leaving me alone.

Career's over.

Catchphrase and wig and the jokes are lame

Ching Chang Chinaman covered in shit!

Ching Chang Chinaman didn't know how

Ching Chang Chinaman milked a cow

Ching Chang Chinaman pulled the wrong tit

Chubby little loser

Chubby little loser

Come on, go, go!

Come on. I've got more in common with David Bowie than this rabble.

Considering your average is probably what, 20p or something.

Darren Lamb, agent to the TV actor Andy Millman,

Did he ask you to come over and say that?

Didn't get round to it. Oh, no. "When The Whistle Blows.

Do the face, then. Do the face. Do the face.

Doing Chekhov at the Wyndham, just been nominated for an Olivier Award, so...

Don't hold...

Don't look at me like that. Little bit of good news here.

Don't really care about his opinion.

Er, "Perhaps it's unfair to judge a sitcom on its first episode,

Everybody reads heat.

Excellent.

Excuse me.

Factory floor, what a chore Another week's graft

Fatso takes his own life

Fatty takes his own life

Finally, a little bit of respect.

Get a picture, get a picture, get a picture.

Give me that.

Go and get a drink. I haven't got any money now.

Got to do something with his mornings, hasn't he?

Have you had any phone calls at all?

Haven't you got anything else? Have you got like a quid?

He blows his bloated face off

He blows his stupid brains out

He sold his soul for a shot at fame

He's a little fat man, pug nosed face See his pug nosed face

He's banal and facile He's a fat waste of space

He's banal and facile He's a fat waste of space

He's got no style He's got no grace

He's one of the seminal artists of the last 35 years, doing work tantamount to genius,

He's so depressed at being hated

He's so depressed at being useless

Hello, mate, all right? How's it going? Darren Lamb, agent. Nice to meet you.

Hello, you all right? I didn't realise. Are you, um... Are you still...

Hello!

Hello. Need any help here?

Here, I tell you this, if you like his show, you'll love this.

Hey, pug, pug, pug, pug

Hi. A pint of Fosters and a dry white wine, please.

Hold on, I've got to go. Quick, quick, quick, Jilly.

How much was it? 220?

Huh? Yeah. That was actually him, yeah. Come down.

I can't hear you, love. Come over here.

I can't stop, mate. I'm going to the VIP area.

I do come past here quite a lot, so we'll count that as a few goes.

I don't know why it's your concern is what I'm...

I don't think you can equate yourself to David Bowie.

I found you laughing to yourself once, and I said, "What are you laughing at?"

I know, but you'd have to catch it first because they're like...

I know, they see you on telly and they all want to be your best mate.

I know. I was in there a minute ago. I was a VIP a minute ago.

I mean, he was actually a qualified surgeon if I'm not wrong.

I mean, it's not exactly how I meant it to be

I spoke to her earlier. I think there's a bit of a vibe, right?

I tell you who's not having a laugh, the public.

I think I've got one here, actually. Sorry. Can you just hold that?

I thought I'd moved into an old people's home.

I used to come here a lot a few years ago. I don't know if you remember me,

I'd rather win the respect of my peers than get big ratings and everything...

I'll never get over this. I'll just spend years and years

I'll probably say, "Don't ask Andy Millman for money

I'm actually flicking through the phone book and I'm pointing my finger on a random page

I'm already annoyed with you, giving it backchat.

I'm Andy by the way. I live here, obviously.

I'm appalled, I can't... This is scandalous, Barry.

I'm getting a bit of hassle out here. Can I just pop myself down there?

I'm giving you 20 quid to sit there in those spare seats.

I'm going to get a drink.

I'm gonna go and talk to her.

I'm just saying I couldn't do that...

I'm sorry. It seems that beggars can be choosers.

I've got to fuck it. I never stop. Oh, yeah.

If I want an opinion, it won't be a snotty little reviewer,

If I was being kind, I'd say it was a mixed bag.

If it does, whose fault's that?

If you want to chase ratings, that's great.

If you're gonna have this attitude, I don't want it.

In front of a couple of nobodies like this. No disrespect. Unbelievable.

Is he having a raugh?

It will take, I swear to God, 10 minutes max. I can get everything done in that time.

It works even without the wig or the glasses. Can you do the catchphrase?

It'll be the people that count, the man on the street.

It's bad.

It's difficult, innit? When they...

It's not rude. It's stupid. It's ignorant.

It's poor, it's rubbish, you know. It's... It's shit.

It's quiet and they treat you well if they recognise you.

It's the same seat! It's actually the same seat for 60 quid!

It's you that's making them waggle.

Just do the catchphrase!

Just got a bad review off a bouncer.

Ladies, pardon us, can I just introduce myself?

Leave it.

Let's get down to business, who wants Barry off East Enders?

Let's go and sit next to David Bowie. He's not getting any hassle.

Let's not bring the mood down. You're ruining it again. I'm still in the frame.

Let's not talk about business, mate,

Let's not talk about that now. Let's not bring the mood down now.

Let's see it.

Like he's not gonna come over and gloat.

Little fat man who sold his dream

Little fat man, pug nosed face See his pug nosed face

Look at that!

Love it.

Mr Bowie, can I just say that we're both very big fans?

Mr Yamaguchi. Hello, hello.

Mum said he did such a good job she gave him a £20 tip.

My mistake. Unbelievable.

National joke

Neither of you are interested in Barry, so obviously I choose the fit one.

No disrespect to you. We all go back to mine.

No one's bloody laughing

No worries.

No, I haven't got the wig on me, no. No.

No, no.

No, no. Bad suggests that, you know, it's evil or something. You know, it's not...

No, not chubby little loser.

No, not that specific man.

No, sorry. That's a mistake. No, I didn't mean that. Sorry.

No? All right, Bar, forget it, mate.

No? Last night, BBC One?

No.

No.

No. I don't know.

No. There are some oldies in there, some over 40s, but they're quiet.

Not really. This is the VIP section. Can you step away from the rope, sir?

Not when they dragged in the mash, we didn't.

Now I'll have to start giving money to the homeless.

Now I've got to walk past him again. You...

Now, I don't want you and your team mucking things up for me.

Oh, be fair, Ray. She wasn't that bad. We all loved her milky puddings.

Oh, don't be daft.

Oh, God. Look, David Bowie.

Oh, good. I mean, do you want a hand?

Oh, he'll love this.

Oh, I'm all done covered in

Oh, I'm sorry. You're turning down work now, are you?

Oh, my God. Unbelievable. Don't look.

Oh, Pete, I've got to go, mate, because life's too short.

Oh, so are we. Amazing.

Oh, the wig.

Oh, walked too fast.

Oh, yeah? What do you do?

Oh! Not amazing!

Oh! She's moving into my block.

Oh.

Oh... Yeah. I didn't... Changed your...

Okay, cheers.

Okay? Yeah, see you.

Okay. How many have you got?

Ooh!

Ooh!

Or you could walk home, pocket the cash, you've made a sweet, sweet profit.

Pathetic little fat man

Pay well?

Pete, what's your favourite catchphrase? He's only here.

Pint of Fosters.

Porridge, toast, kids, car Bloody school gate

Pug, pug, pug, pug

Pug, pug, pug, pug

Pug, pug, pug, pug

Pug, pug, pug, pug

Pug, pug, pug, pug

Quick little sit down, energy, back into it.

Really?

Right, have a look at that. Just regular. Turn it up the other way.

Right, here's one.

Right, Mr Yamaguchi's on his way up now with his lovely wife.

Right, you owe me 27.50.

Rumbled! He said guttering. Now it's Artexing!

See his pug nosed face

See his pug nosed face

See his pug nosed face

See you later, B.

See you later.

She wasn't a bad cook.

Shit

Shouldn't really... No, I shouldn't really joke about it. It's not...

Since old Gladys the cook burnt down the canteen.

Six million people watched it last night and yet none of these liked it?

So I think you should probably tell them to either buy something or get out.

Some good stuff on.

Sorry, but I've only got, like, 8p in change, or a 20.

Sorry. Can we?

Sorry. You're trying to bribe me to sit next to David Bowie now?

Sort of catchphrases and wigs and...

Star of the new sitcom When The Whistle Blows?

Thank you. A big, strong man's just what I need.

That is mental! That is... He must have been a pervert.

That's becoming quite a catchphrase itself.

That's for both of us.

That's the beginning. "Depressed TV star drinks himself to death."

That's the story of me life. My house was repossessed last...

That's why it's so unfair.

The clown that no one laughs at

The fat man takes his own life

The highlight of my ruddy day is when the whistle blows

The little fat man who sold his soul

The little fat man with the pug nosed face See his pug nosed face

The little?

The man's running a business. The overheads are probably extortionate.

The wig, the glasses, the catchphrase.

The wig. The glasses. The catchphrase. Brilliant.

Then you get a cab fare home,

There's 20 pubs a day closing down in this country

There's a couple of birds over there without drinks.

There's a couple of girls over there not drinking.

These people know about comedy, don't they?

They all just wish he'd die

They are funny, though, the way they waggle.

They can still see me! There should be an actual barrier or something.

They know what they're talking about, but the general public, I mean...

They say they can put your dish up Thursday.

They'd forgive you if you did Celebrity Fit Club.

They're taking up valuable space and costing him money.

Things aren't quite panning out as I'd hoped.

Think about the good ones.

This is a review of Wind In The Willows.

This is my girlfriend, Jilly.

Those aren't going to move themselves.

Tick tock, alarm clock I'm gonna be late

To keep your integrity when you're going for that first...

To say that!

To see what my name could be if I wanted to change it.

Too long a pause. If you're gonna lie, lie well.

Trying to claw back credibility by doing anything, just popping up in bad films

Twenty for nothing.

Twenty quid, though.

Unbelievable.

Unlikely.

Was an A&R man from Decca Records. You won't know Decca.

We were just saying that I'm an entertainer, too.

We've both done something with our lives. I'm just...

We've prepared some traditional Japanese cuisine.

We've sorted that out. Thanks very much.

Welcome. I hope you like it.

Well, I wouldn't catch it. I turned up for the fight, it ran away, I win. Not my problem.

Well, if you need someone to show you around at all, just come and...

Well, it's either 40 or 60, then.

Well, no, despite what they say, the viewing figures were really good, 6.2 million.

Well, no, say that I offered you 20, the second most you've ever been given,

Well, the gazelle.

Well, you can see where we went wrong, yeah.

Well...

What am I gonna do now?

What are reviews like?

What do you think?

What else are you keeping from me?

What I meant was we could buy them some drinks. That's an in, isn't it?

What the... Ooh...

What will you say to people about this?

What, and you're suddenly an expert, are you, on that?

What's going on here? How much did you get paid for that?

What's this? You didn't tell me anything about this.

What's yours called, then? Oh, When The Wind Blows is his.

Whatever happened to my dreams? Is this the life I chose?

When I was on East Enders we used to go to a place called Castro's.

When the whistle blows

When the whistle blows When the whistle blows

When the whistle blows When the whistle blows

Where does he watch the show, through Dixons' window?

Whereas you've just made a camp, catchphrase based comedy.

Whistle, thank you. And do you remember this guy?

Who wants Barry to walk them home while the other one comes home with me?

Who would you rather fight and have a decent chance of winning,

Why are we walking back this way? This is the way we came.

Why would I do a show that when I watched it, I was praying for a tsunami?

Why would that concern me?

Why?

Will I do?

With some traditional Japanese entertainment.

Yeah

Yeah, and just say something like, "l think you're the most amazing actor on TV."

Yeah, but I don't know your name, do l?

Yeah, erm...

Yeah, I know, yeah.

Yeah, let's go with fatso.

Yeah, yeah. Everybody sing that last line. One, two, three...

Yeah. It was good.

Yeah. Let me see them.

Yeah. Mark, can you get Mr Millman to the VIP area, please?

Yeah. Speak to him.

Yeah. Yeah? He likes that as well.

Yep. Do you want to hear one more?

Yes, so do l. It's brilliant, Linda.

You come over, okay? Just ask for an autograph...

You don't have to tell me everything. No.

You don't just hate the poor, you hate everyone.

You got a wig with you?

You meet a couple of players like us, ships in the night,

You paid 60 quid to go in here?

You said if you get your own show, the offers would come flooding in.

You said the phone would never stop ringing.

You're already using your new powers for evil.

You're not a star. And being fat will kill you before the drink does.

You're not manning the phones at the Samaritans tonight?

You're out and about, you know, no guys with you,

You're supposed to be my agent for acting, not bloody Artexing or whatever.

You've been in all the magazines.

You've prepared the traditional Japanese cuisine, have you?

You've put some weight on.

Your TV show's doing all right, though, is it?

50?

58,008...

60, then.

And 50 times a day I hear Are you having a laugh?

"Boobs." It's good, innit?

A couple of sorts like this are up for it. What do you mean, up for it?

Ah, that's me. Bring Ralph and Walnut.

All right, Shaun? All right?

All right. Okay.

And good luck with the show, Andy! Cheers. How does he know who I am?

And this is Count Fuckula. All right.

And you said, "My toes." Oh, yeah. Ha!

Andy, am I coming with you? Yeah.

Are we friends? Yeah.

Are you Andy Millman? Yeah.

Are you hungry? Yeah.

Are you just saying that? No.

Are you moving in? Yeah.

Are you still thinking about the reviews? Yes, the terrible, terrible reviews.

Bar? Yo!

Being meaning to throw it away. Throw it away, then.

Big, fat, smug face. We're here now. Shh.

Brilliant? Yeah.

Brilliant. Thanks.

Brilliant. What else? What else could I do? There's Celebrity Love Island.

But that's what you told me to say. Shut up.

But the twat'd probably miss! Yes, Linda. I like that.

By winning... Forget it, drink up. We're going.

Can I call my mate Pete? Why not?

Can I give you a cheque? Yeah, if you must, yeah.

Can I just get your autograph? Oh, yeah, sure.

Can I take a picture? Yeah.

Can we get a bottle of champagne, please? No problem.

Can you bring some of the reviews in? Why has he got them?

Cheers. Thanks. Okay, enjoy. Good.

David Bowie's here. I know, but it's just really embarrassing.

Do you live near here? Yeah.

Do you need some roofing done? No, it's too dangerous. I'm not...

Do you want to just go to the pub? Yeah.

Does that happen a lot? No, never. It's all good usually. So l...

Everything about it. Oh.

Excuse me. Yeah, hi.

Fatty? Fatso? Fatso, I like fatso.

Found another one. Oh, have you?

God, it's you. Hi.

Good. As long as you're filling your days. CT Punchaganowno.

Got the old telly there. Watch a lot of telly? I don't, no.

Greasy spoon? Yeah.

Greg's in here. We don't have to speak to him.

Have a look. He's a ringer.

Have you seen it? I haven't, no. Is it any good?

He never stops! He never stops!

He probably makes a lot of money on food. Don't give me that.

He's a little ant to me. I feel it's just social rudeness.

Hello. Hello, Jilly.

Hello. What are you doing?

Here, here, "l don't get it." It's Gobbler! It's Gobbler.

Here. Cheers, mate. Oi, oi, oi! Boing!

Hey, what are you doing in there? It's the VIP area, innit?

Hi, welcome. Enjoyed the show last night. Really?

Hi. Hi, hi.

Hi. Hi.

How do you do that? It's just numbers.

How do you work that out? We're both entertainers.

How's it going? Brilliant. You?

How's your sitcom going? Brilliant. Ratings are brilliant.

I don't know him, do l? Excuse me.

I don't know. You don't know if he asked you to say it?

I live on the 2nd floor, 21. Okay.

I love everything about it. Cheers.

I said that was a picture of a frog, didn't l? It's got the same throat.

I saw it last night. And?

I think I've sold out, to be honest, but... Yeah.

I think you know what to do. Oh, yes. Excuse me.

I'd rather not. Do the catchphrase.

I'm Cathy. Oh, nice to meet you.

I'm in a sitcom. It's called When The Whistle Blows.

Is that the most you've ever been given? One bloke gave me 50 once.

It doesn't count. You laugh at anything. What?

It's a shit sitcom. It's a shit com.

It's a wasteland. You're on your own. I'm not made of money.

It's fine. You've just got to sign in. Okay.

It's him! It's him! It's Andy Millman. All right?

It's not bad, is it? It is.

It's only Barry off East Enders? Hello.

Just give him the 20. No. He said change.

Just locally. Just... I love your show.

Just speak to him. All right, Pete? How have you been, mate?

Just turkey! You can't have just turkey. Turkey sandwiches.

Leaving you alone? No.

Let me have a look. Really?

Let me have a wee look. Yeah, have a look.

Let's go there. Yeah, all right.

Lovely. Well done, Rita.

Maggie. Maggie.

Neither of us. Okay, final scenario. Listen to this, right.

Neither of us. You're out in the cold.

Nice aftershave, by the way. Cheers.

Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you.

No, no. No, seriously. Take it back. I don't want it.

No! That's where he got his first start

No? No.

No? No.

No. No? Okay, pub it is, then.

No. No.

No. No.

No. No.

No. I just know what I like. Yeah? Do you like money?

No. I'm fine. Phew.

No. It's just a bit... Do the catchphrase.

No. It's shit. Oh, just riff raff everywhere.

Not going down too well, huh? It's getting six million viewers...

Not much. It was 200 quid.

Of course he doesn't. He's homeless. I know he's homeless. I'm not blind.

Oh, go on. TP Bronze...

Oh, good. Cheers. The wig, the glasses, the catchphrase.

Oh, he reads heat, does he? Everybody reads heat.

Oh, hello. Look who it is. Hi.

Oh, I recognise you. Yes, possibly.

Oh, just take it. Just take it, it's fine. Fine.

Oh, more like it. Thanks very much. Can I get you anything to drink?

Oh, no. What am I talking about? Sky called. And?

Oh, thanks very much. No need to sign in. That's fine.

Oh, yeah. Except he's green. Who? Andy or...

Oh, yeah. How's it going? Not so good, actually.

Oi, oi. Oh.

Okay, okay. "Are you having a laugh?" Do it properly.

Okay. Okay.

Okay. Have a nice day. Cheers.

Ouch. Go on. Pop it in the scrapbook. No. Don't pop it in the scrapbook.

Put good ones in the scrapbook. What... What good ones?

Quick sit down. At least I had a sit down.

Really? Listen to this.

See you later. See you, bye.

See you later. Yeah.

Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to leave. You just put us here.

Sitcom's shit, mate. He's changed his tune. Why...

So it's up to you. No.

Sorry? Do you like money? 20 quid.

Spare any change? Sorry, mate.

Speak to him. No, speak to him. I can't.

star of the sitcom When The Wind Blows. Whistle.

Such a slap in the face. Do you do roofing?

Thank you. Okay.

Thanks. That'd be nice. Oh, good...

That's 5.80, thanks. 5.80? Are you having a laugh?

That's mine. Take a seat. Oh, that chair!

That's the career over. That's what one of the reviewers said!

The glasses. The glasses and the catchphrase.

The man in the street, so fickle. No. He didn't have a bald head.

The reviews very harsh. Very harsh. Don't read reviews. Don't bother.

the traditional Japanese entertainment. Why? What's he planning?

The wee frog. Oh, the frog.

This is Ralph. Hello, mate. You all right?

This is Rita and my team. Hi.

To start a conversation. I thought you were worried

Turkey! What else? Turkey, just turkey.

Um, some champagne? Yeah!

Walnut. Hiya.

We can't just sit next to him. We'll just go and speak to him.

Welcome to the building. Thanks. It's nice to see someone under 40.

Well, they are. That's just rude.

Well, we have met. Have we?

Well... No time. Here they come.

What are you doing here? Just having a drink.

What are you doing? It's all right.

What did they say? They didn't review it.

What did you have for tea? Turkey.

What happened? There's nothing I can do, sir. Sorry.

What have you got? PB Grout.

What is it? Calvin Klein.

What numbers? 58,008. Have a look.

What street? It doesn't matter, does it?

What, there's no good ones? Best one was the Telegraph.

when I was in East Enders? Yes, hi, how you doing?

Where am I meeting you? Garage in 10 minutes?

Where? Just round...

Whistle! Whistle. Yeah.

Who's it to? Me.

Why do they call you that? Because if I see something,

Why? Because I've just been spotted

Yeah, he gave him 20 quid earlier. Not that specific man on the street.

Yeah, yeah. Good, good.

Yeah! Excuse me?

Yeah. Can I get your autograph, please?

Yeah. Yeah. Don't touch me.

Yes. It's here. Right.

You all right? All right, mate? How's it going?

You can't call the barman as well, can you? I haven't got his number.

You did my mum's guttering, didn't you? Maybe, yeah. Where does she live?

You did? Yeah.

You got a 10? I've only got 20s. No.

You haven't got a ten and five, have you? I haven't.

You having a laugh! All right, mate.

You said change, didn't you? Cheers. Yeah, whatever.

You should've let me negotiate. Your show's shit, mate.

You wanna get used to this, mate. It's doing my head in.

You've got to use what you can. Fair enough.

'Cause I don't want people to say Andy Millman hates the poor.

"and for Andy Millman to exclaim,

"Are you having a laugh? Is he having laugh?"

"As I watched this abysmal time warp comedy

"because he'd only give it to you begrudgingly."

"but when a TV programme makes you want to

"gouge out your own eyes rather than watch one more minute,

"Hmm, Betty, the cat's just shat out the worst sitcom of all time.""

"l found myself expecting someone to shout, 'I'm free!'

"This charming story of lovable, larger than life characters

"will please all the family. This is a delightful woodland romp

"with many of the best scenes featuring a roly poly toad."

"you know it's probably not your cup of tea."

50 quid? Yeah.

220 quid? I don't have to tell you everything.