A are you guys all right?
A bunch of uppity homosexuals shooting their mouths off...
A couple of hundred miles across the country...
A couple of stoners who spout dumb ass catch phrases...
A E l O U
A Federal Wildlife Marshal?
A fugitive monkey in there should hit the deck.
A guy who calls himself Magnolia Fan.
A homophobe?
A Jersey boy.
A little bit more specific than that.
A monkey, Wes?
A source at the Federal Wildlife Marshal's office...
Aaah!
Aaah!
Aaah!
Aah!
Aah!
Aah!
About characters whose central preoccupation...
About dealing in front of the store?
About Jay and Silent Bob, right?
About movies and actors they claim to despise...
About stopping this bile.
About the comic book Jay and Silent Bob.
About tHose two stoners Hanging around...
About us and that stupid ass flick.
Actually, there was this one time
Actually, there's a funny story behind that. Ha ha!
Affleck, you da bomb in Phantoms, yo!
Afro motherfuckin' m a n
After the Federal Wildlife Marshal's office has learned...
Ah, Jesus. Again, Ben?
Ahem.
Ahh.
Ain't that about a bitch?
All rigHt, don't you fucking move, you little sHit macHine.
All right, enough of this small talk.
All right, here, check this one out.
All right, once we get upstairs...
All right, people!
All right, we'll turn that shit around
All right, you can live... for now.
All right, you go in there, start swinging.
All right! Let's roll with the new.
All right.
All right.
All right.
All right. On the count of three...
All the studios started buying up...
All their animals except for one an orangutan.
All these assholes on the lnternet are calling us names...
All these little fuckin' jerkoffs...
All these people reading that shit...
All we gotta do is figure out how to get closer to 'em.
All you motherfuckers are gonna pay.
All you motherfuckers are gonna pay.
Am l am I getting through to you at all?
An lnternet movie chat board allegedly written...
And a real version...
And after it's all over, you say...
And after we bust that shit up...
And all I can hear is those two...
And all the weed I be smokin' is farmer's hay
And as we're not only the artistic basis...
And ask for my movie check.
And at the same time, find my ex girlfriend...
And beating the shit out of them, I guess.
And cornhole us a drunk.
And cry like little bitches. Once we get to Hollywood, we
And cry like little whiny bitches.
And evidently, everyone in America has chosen...
And for the record, I ain't gay.
And for tHe record, tHe Time sucked ass.
And for the record, while we're on the subject...
And get back to you.
And get yo' mother fuckin' movie check...
And Handed down to tHe greatest band in tHe world
And he showed us the lnternet. And that's where we found...
And how many people are sick ofholding it back
And I am so fuckin' yours.
And I got just the part for 'em.
And I got punched in the motherfuckin' nuts...
And I gotjust the thing for that.
And I just I see a man crying out.
And I mean nothing, distract us.
And I was, like, What's up?
And I'll be, like...
And I'm stealin' it.
And I'm, like, Jay and Silent Bob.
And ifl don't sell one copy I'll know why
And it was excellent!
And it's all blown by a fucking fart.
And its refusal to grow up.
And leave 'em in a seedy motel bathtub full of ice.
And Missy's the tech girl...
And monkey theft.
And now we're here.
And on that note, we cue the music.
And playing twister with his vitals. Mmm!
And rebuilding the world in their image.
And say you never found the ape.
And sent him packing, so it's smooth sailing.
And she smells so fuckin' pretty.
And she'll be, like, Oh, l've read on the lnternet...
And she's like, Oh, l've read on the lnternet...
And she's, like, What's your names?
And surrender the orangutan.
And that body
And The Color Purple.
And the only thing I do recognize right now...
And then all you motherfucks are next.
And then eat their shit that's made up of our shit...
And then she goes and sucks two other guys' dicks off instead.
And then, when the guys come out with the monkey
And they all want a part in my movie...
And they fuckin' took the one thing I had left...
And they're not the leaders of the C.L.l.T.
And this is my hetero life mate Silent Bob.
And this is our adopted love child.
And this is your finger
And Tubby Here's my black manservant.
And turn in Missy, Chrissy, Sissy, and myself.
And we have a job to do?
And we need a male perspective on the clitoris.
And we see some fuckin' titties...
And we're on our way to Colorado...
And what they think is inside information...
And you don't make with the head?
And you get where you're going in no time.
And you know what they do to you in jail.
And you tied the knot dressed like Stormtroopers.
And you were all piss scared...
And, uh, and and he's playing Chronic...
Another white boy in this movie? Damn!
Any boogers in it?
Any last words before I bust your balls, Bluntman?
Any movie based on Jay and Silent Bob...
Anyplace it goes is right, Goes far
Anyway, we were talking to Brodie...
Are a couple jerkoffs...
Are a couple of little fuckin' jerkoffs.
Are gonna lick balls...
Are never gonna let me hear the end of this.
Are out of commission. Ready? Break.
Are shooting a project on the lot.
Are these leg cuffs really necessary?
Are we gonna have a problem...again?
Are you even supposed to be Here today?
Are you fuckin' crazy? Now, they may be gay...
Are you guys all right?
Are you kidding me?
Are you really high now, man?
Aren't you gonna direct us?
Aren't you that guy that fucked the pie?
Around Morris Day and Jerome.
As Jay and Silent Bob.
As long as there's a Bluntman and Chronic movie...
As sure as I am that you're the hottest bitch I ever seen.
As you failed to do that, Banky...
As you so succinctly put it...
At least Holden had the good sense...
At this fine piece of woman, are you?
At this point, what can you tell us about the C.L.l.T.?
Avenge me...Hempknight.
Aw, keep on truckin'.
Aw, man, it's a small world!
Aw, man. Norma Rae like a motherfucker, huh?
Awesome. Knock 'em dead, tiger.
Bad medicine
Banky fuckin' Edwards!
BANKY: Uh, Chaka?
Be honest, yo, you're down with this...
Be smooth.
Bears, rhinos, and shit?
Because he's just so innocent!
Because I got high
Because I got high
Because I got high
Because I got high
Because I got high
Because I got high
Because I got high
Because I got high
Because I got high
Because I got high
Because I got high
Because I got high, because I got high
Because I love you.
Because I'm high
Because if the buzz is any indicator...
Because no one knows we're real in real life.
Because of this fucking stupid movie.
Because of what all these dickheads are writing...
Because she's gonna be one dead bitch.
Because they both, in fact, lick balls.
Before I got high
Before they ruin our good names.
BEN: Gus?
Besides, I didn't see you trying...
Besides, we're in the clear, yo.
Bill Cosby did the whole thing with a ruler...
Bitch.
Bluntman and Chronic Strike Back?
Bluntman and Chronic Strike Back...
Bobby boy, stay Here wHile Mommy picks up tHe free cHeese, OK?
BON JOVl: Your love is like bad medicine
Bong!
Boo Boo Kitty Fuck?
Boo ya.
BOTH: Aah!
BOY: Holy shit, dude.
BOY: Yeah, Purple Rain.
Break it down. Where we taking it from, Gus?
Brent, tell these sillies that girls don't fart.
BRENT: Hey, Mr. Science Guy
Bring it on.
Bring that ass over. Come on!
BRODlE: No fucking way.
BRODlE: Well, after X Men hit at the box office...
Bung! Ha ha ha!
But
But Affleck was the bomb in Phantoms.
But also, obviously, the character basis...
But characters based on us.
But constitutionally protected family unit.
But frankly, I found it rather elementary.
But I could go for some hot thick Sicilian.
But I got high
But I got high
But I just have to say Bluntman and Chronic...
But I want a reduced sentence.
But I was high
But I was high
But I'm reallyjust a sensitive artist
But it's a lot easier to say that you live by the Book...
But lately, I'm having a little trouble...
But Miramax you know, Miramax Films
But no sign of Jay and Silent Bob?
But now you and your sidekick are finally in the grasp...
But that's not their son. That's the ape.
But then I got high
But then I got high
But they are so out of here before we get to Boulder.
But we've got a 1 0 07 on our hands.
But what are we supposed to do about it?
But when you and me try it...
But you forgot about Vickers.
But you're no longer the angry, brilliant young mind...
By a fat man in an overcoat?
By a guy named Cock Knocker!
By letting this butt fucking Brady Bunch go.
By putting this kind of pressure on the C.L.l.T.?
By the two domestic terrorists themselves.
Bye.
C.L.l.T. stops here, Jay and Silent Bob!
Call me Boo Boo Kitty Fuck... bitch.
Call me Darth Balls. Bong!
Callin' us assholes on the lnternet...
Can I get a cut here?
Can shoot each other with it and fuck like stoned test bunnies.
Can you do it?
Chaka Luther King, that's who the fuck I am.
Chaka, I'll be in my trailer.
Chaka!
Chaka! Call off Dawson, will you?
Check it out.
Check this shit out, Lunch Box animal tranquilizer.
Check this shit out. Spread my cheeks...
CHORUS: Who's a friend to the king of all the monkeys
Come on out with your hands in the air...
Come on, let's get something to eat.
Come on, y'all, check it out
Come on, you guys. it's over.
COP ON MEGAPHONE: This is the Utah State Police.
Could you say something into the camera about the clitoris?
Cover, schmover. You all hated his songs, too.
Crack crack cracker? Crack?
Crack? Want some crack?
Crazy crackers with guns?
Damn youse!
Damn, these white boys can't fight.
Damn, this must've set 'em back a couple hundred bucks.
Dance, pie fucker!
Dante and Randall slapped you with a restraining order?
DAPHNE: And I don't think...
De cracker nate it, ok, Fucky?
DEALER: Ho, ho, man!
Did you ever get to third base with her?
Did you Hear tHat fucking guy...
Did you say Jay and Silent Bob are
Did you say no problem?
Did you see that shit, man? Bitches love me.
Didn't Holden McNeil and Banky Edwards...
Didn't we used to ride that shit...
Die, you super monkey fuck! Aah!
Ditch this foul mouthed little chucklehead...
Do not look at Ben or Matt directly in the eyes...
Do not shoot!
Do somethin'.
Do something, Tons of Fun.
Do they have you held hostage?
Do to help the animals?
Do you get free refills with that?
Do you have a VCR?
Do you know that I came up with the idea for Sesame Street?
Do you post as Magnolia Fan on Moviepoopshoot.com?
Do you want us to call your publicists?
Does everybody understand that?
Doin' coke, drinkin' beers
Don't ask.
Don't be so suburban. it's the new millennium.
Don't change the subject. Will we fuck when you get out?
Don't forget that.
Don't fuck with a Jedi Master, son.
Don't get me started.
Don't go taking this fuckin' chimp's side.
Don't just point like...
Don't make us go back to our liberal city home...
Don't never say an unkind word about tHe Time.
Don't say anything especially you.
Don't shoot!
Don't shoot.
Don't stop until these little young Hollywood fucks...
Don't they kick your ass to the curb?
Don't you ever want anything more for yourself?
Don't you have any regret?
Don't you know fast food makes girls fart?
Done plenty of that, my friend.
Done.
Doobie Snacks.
Drinkin' beers, beers, beers
Drive a little dangerous
Drop the bag! Now!
Dude, I think I just filled the cup.
Dude, that is so gay. l
Echo Base, l've got a 1 0 07...
Eight days.
Enough!
Ergo, you find yourself in a very actionable position.
Even though they're not really talkin' about us...
Every comic property they could get...
Every day people hitch to Hollywood...
Everything went to hell.
Ew, dude, you were really gonna suck my dick.
Ew, dude. I fuckin' knew it, man.
Exactly.
Excellent delivery
Excuse me.
Expletive deleted who are making...
Expletive deleted then eat their expletive deleted
F U C K l N G
Far from the pulse, jammed straight up your ass.
Featuring the greatest band in the world!
Federal Wildlife Marshal.
Federal Wildlife Marshal. Everyone stay cool.
Federal Wildlife Marshal. ls the monkey in there?
Fictional characters.
Fifteen bucks, little man
Figuring out what you're doing here.
Fire a warning shot into his bulbous ass.
First I need
First of all, I don't know how good your names are.
Five hours and not a single ride.
Floppin' around and shit in the air. Yeah!
Follow the rules of the book...
For a little stoner with bad pronunciation.
For being so stupid.
For detaining you and your unorthodox...
For example, we got a guy here...
For force because that makes run the boss
For him, I'd be willing to do anything.
For I do
For l
For likeness rights...
For one more record, he loves the cock.
For our human sexuality class...
For stealing the monkey
For the fine ass pussy, right?
For the movie that we're shooting in about 1 5 minutes?
For their next campaign of blood, violence...
For your intellectual property, Bluntman and Chronic...
FRED: Let's kick 'em out.
FRED: What do we do with them now?
Freeze, you terrorist sons of bitches!
Friday? Shit, does it say who's fucking playing us...
From a dick in a neckerchief.
From anybody here at the studio.
From Ben Affleck's trailer.
From ever getting to kiss a girl?
From gettin' made. Come on, Silent Bob.
From in the heart of Utah.
From makin' that movie.
From shooting this movie...
From the intelligence we've been gathering...
From the lab last night is taken by these men
From the one woman I loved enough...
From whatever gay serial killers...
Fuck a bunch of different good lookin' monkeys.
Fuck it
Fuck Jay and Silent Bob.
Fuck off, will you?
Fuck the corporate world, bi yatch!
Fuck the police
Fuck them up their stupid asses.
Fuck this asshole.
Fuck you, fatty.
Fuck you. You already said half.
Fuck, fuck, fuck
Fuck, fuck, fuck the police
Fuck, fuck, fuck the police
Fuck, fuck, fuck...
Fuck, man, I had a horrible dream.
Fuck, man, I'm no strategist.
Fuck! When, Lord, when?
Fuck.
Fuck.
Fuckin' smokin'.
Fuckin' we stole a monkey, we got shot at...
Fucking stupid bitch!
Gay, straight it's all the same now.
Get me a blonde hair white boy, so I can enjoy that shit.
Get out of my way, man.
Get out ofhere without them fuckin' seeing us?
Get out there and give him the monkey.
Get over OK, you, little kid, you're here.
Get that shit the fuck out of here.
Get to chime in with their two cents.
Get you high?
Get your fuckin' hands off me.
Getjiggy with it
Gimme the map, Scott!
Gimme the map, Scott.
Girl, I'd love to show you
Girl, I'd love to show you
Girls like that kind of shit.
Go back to making your adult movie.
Go to hell, Pacey. Go to hell.
Go to Hollywood, and stop those fucks...
Go to my trailer, 'cause I got more white girls in there...
Go to the next one
God damn youse all to hell!
God, I can't believe what a pushover you are.
Gonna fuck your mothers while you watch...
Good. They do their part, and we'll do ours.
Got a permanent disease
Grammar like a hammer, information receivable
Great. Looks like you've changed costumes already.
GUARD: Fuck!
GUARD: Get 'em!
GUARD: Those are some magical guys.
Guys, this is Sissy...
Ha ha ha!
Ha ha!
Ha ha! Hi, I'm Justice.
Hanging around outside a store selling pot.
Have targeted Miramax Studios...
Have you seen them roaming around?
He knows.
He loves the cock.
He really is high, man
He said he'd fuck a sheep!
He says, Bluntman and Chronic and their stupid alter egos...
He wasn't kissing your hand in the back of the van...
He'll suck my dick while you watch and jerk off.
He's crying out, When, Lord?
He's with us, too.
Heck, even monkeys.
Heh.
Heh. Contrary to what you believe...
Heh. Remind me to renew that restraining order.
Hell, yeah. That's 'cause he's from my sperm.
Hello?
Here's the pulse, all right?
Here's what we're looking for Moviepoopshoot.com. [Farts]
Here's your coffee, sir.
Hey, all the hitchers do this.
Hey, can't we do sometHing...
Hey, do that over, man
Hey, hey, you were in 'Loser,' weren't you?
Hey, I'll make you a deal.
Hey, it ain't that hard, man.
Hey, law dog!
Hey, lemme ask you a question.
Hey, stop stealing monkeys.
Hey, that wasn't in the script.
Hey, wait a second.
Hey, what's all this talk about farting?
Hey!
Hey!
Hey! Get the fuck off her!
Hey! You don't have a pass!
Hi, Jussy. We catch you at a bad time?
Hi.
HlTCHHlKER: 'Cause you're doing it all wrong.
Hold this.
Hold your fire.
Holy fuck! The little stoner was right!
Holy fuck.
Holy shit, I am wearing pansy red booties.
Holy shit, it understood us.
Holy shit, that looked like it hurt.
Holy shit, the cops. We gotta get out of here.
Holy shit, you're the Dawson.
Holy shit!
Holy shit! What the fuck are you guys doing here?
How 'bout fine piece of ass?
How about a little Bitch, My Man Ain't Your Baby's Daddy?
How about not?
How about this deal?
How come we ain't gettin' no rides?
How do you know he doesn't smoke monkey pole, huh?
How many people are sick ofholding it back
How many people want to kick some ass
How many people want to kick some ass
How many people want to kick some ass
How many people want to kick some ass
How many people want to kick some ass
Hurry! [Barks]
Hyah!
I ain't got a fever
I ain't playin', baby
I am an excellent marksman. l've always
I am going to do something about these two stoner fucks...
I am the C.L.l.T. commander!
I am the clit commander!
I am the master of the clit!
I came up with it before PBS.
I can make you a deal that will get you into the FBl...
I can't believe fine ass bitches like yourself eat that shit.
I can't believe I'm gonna get some pussy
I can't believe Judi Dench played me.
I can't believe this shit.
I can't do that, Sissy.
I can't take all of this fighting!
I didn't think so.
I don't believe in Hitler, that's what I said
I don't care who the driver is.
I don't have the fuckin' smarts of a little...
I don't know.
I don't like the sound of them apples, Will.
I don't like the sound of them apples, Will.
I don't really wanna die
I don't think I'm alone in the world...
I don't think they are masks.
I don't want no mouthful ofmonkey spit...
I film the motherfucker, right? Then I yell Cut.
I get that a lot. So you like animals, huh?
I got a fireplace, yo, I can't hear ya
I got all the symptoms, count 'em, 1, 2, 3
I got you new coffee, sir booger free.
I gotta be the craftiest motherfucker alive.
I gotta go beat the shit outta...
I gotta.
I guess if you guys really wanted...
I have no idea what you just said.
I know this poor hapless son of a bitch does.
I live my life by it.
I look into his sorry doe eyes...
I lost my kids and wife
I make pay with Jay
I make that shit work!
I mean youse guys.
I mean, hi. I'm Jay...
I mean, if you were another sheep...
I mean, Jesus, you guys aren't even trying anymore, are you?
I mean, talking me into Dogma is one thing, but this is
I mean, you got to grow, man.
I recommend that you guys go hunt Banky down...
I remember that class.
I said, l
I said, l
I should've done a long time ago.
I sold my half of the Bluntman and Chronic rights...
I swear to God!
I swear, I don't know what's going on...
I take it you haven't seen Forces of Nature.
I taught you all your moves myself.
I think George Lucas gonna sue somebody.
I think I killed both of them.
I think I want to drive it
I think I want to know ya, know ya
I think I want to know you
I think I want to know you
I think I want to know you
I think I would recognize an ape if I saw one, OK?
I think I'll kick some ass
I think we need to funk them up again
I thought Banky and Holden created this shit.
I thought the fat one didn't really talk that much.
I thought you blew up, Boo Boo Kitty Fuck.
I told you those two were the perfect patsies.
I want...
I wanted you to know that I respect your work as an artist.
I was a guard.
I was gonna call it N.W.P....
I was gonna clean my room
I was gonna eat yo pussy, too
I was gonna get up and find the broom
I was gonna go to class
I was gonna go to court
I was gonna go to work
I was gonna make love to you
I was gonna pay my car note
I was gonna pay my child support
I was gonna throw him out myself.
I was just about to jump in and fuckin' get your back.
I was still just hoping you might be able...
I wish I held onto a little piece of that thing...
I would ifl could
I'd do anything for youse guys...
I'd kick the shit out of them for being so stupid?
I'm a little dangerous
I'm a noble rabbit
I'm a smooth pimp who loves the pussy...
I'm a teen idol, damn it! Don't you recognize me?
I'm an international jewel thief who's facing a jail sentence.
I'm counting on you, Sheriff.
I'm gonna kill all these fucks.
I'm gonna stop singing this song
I'm Jason Biggs.
I'm not even supposed to be here today.
I'm obviously on the wrong set.
I'm on my way. We've got 'em.
I'm playing Bluntman, a.k.a. Silent Bill.
I'm reallyjust a sensitive artist
I'm serious
I'm singing this whole thing wrong
I'm so fucking embarrassed.
I'm something of an artist myself.
I'm sorry, Jay.
I'm takin' it back for the black man...
I'm taking it next semester, and I know why
I'm the bitch?
I'm the brains, Chrissy's the brawn...
I'm the chucklehead? You're the fucking dumb ass...
I'm trying to tell a story here.
Identified in literature that accompanied the tape...
If anyone out there should come across them...
If I go to prison, will you wait for me?
If I had known that shit earlier...
If I was you, I would've been like...
If I was you, I would've drowned ed his ass...
If it goes into the red alarm, we're dead.
If it isn't the wildlife expert.
If that money doesn't show
If there wasn't a Bluntman and Chronic movie...
If they were real, I'd beat the shit out of them...
If we don't speak up for them, who will?
If you don't stop backtalking me, OK, cracker?
If you get a ride, it's expected.
Ifl gotta blow this fuckin' G man.
In Hollyweird, man? You got to come...
In imagining this flick may be the worst idea...
In the creek and shit.
In the movie?
In your fuckin' brain lately.
Into doing this shit in the first place.
Into one 90 minute long gay joke.
Is a medical lab where they perform...
Is the political fiasco here that I'm about to avoid...
It's like we're trapped in a fuckin' cartoon.
JA Y: Get off ofme!
JA Y: Get offmy Kool Aid, motherfucker!
JA Y: Hey!
JA Y: Justice, huh?
JA Y: Mmm, mmm.
JA Y: Right.
JA Y: Sure it is, Juggs.
JA Y: Suzanne.
JA Y: That'll show those fucks.
JA Y: Thejudge said if we go within a hundred feet...
JA Y: This little monkey...
JA Y: What kind of animals are we talkin' about here?
JA Y: When the fuck did this happen?
James, actually. James Van Der Beek.
JAMES: At least call me the right character.
JAMES: Listen to me you would last a day on the Creek.
JASON: Fuck you and your Dawson's crap.
JASON: You see, man?
Jay and Bob don't deserve this. They were really sweet.
Jay and Silent Bob are in the hiz house.
Jay and Silent Bob are one notejokes...
Jay and Silent Bob only work in small doses, if at all.
Jay and Silent Bob.
Jay said you guys had a Star Wars theme wedding...
Jay, uh, before you go...
Jay, you know, you don't have to do this.
JAY: All right, here's the plan. First we find out...
JAY: What, is it a fucking crime to fart? Motherfucker!
Jay? No, he's not.
Jesus, Ben, I said I'm busy. Busy.
Jesus.
Jules Asner is on the scene at Miramax Studios. Jules?
JULES: No, Steve, but...
Jungle love
Jungle love, look out
Just 'cause they're not cuddly.
Just fuckin' say it already!
Just isn't the same, is it?
Just like bad medicine
Just like Winnie the Pooh.
Just say it, man. Don't make me ask twenty questions.
Just stand there and react.
Just take it from, it's a good course.
Just the motherfucker we came to see!
Just use the little one's crush on you to convince him...
Justice died for you, you little monkey fuck!
Justice, move your ass!
Justice!
Justice.
JUSTlCE: Fuck it.
JUSTlCE: I met 'em inside. They're gonna hitch a ride.
JUSTlCE: Man, you're such a bitch!
JUSTlCE: Maybe not.
JUSTlCE: Oh, please. lfl had to listen...
JUSTlCE: Oh.
JUSTlCE: Oh. Let's see.
JUSTlCE: OK, well, um...
JUSTlCE: Provasik Pharmaceuticals...
Kaboom, you little stoner fucks.
Keep going
Keep it up, beatnik.
Keep this shit, so later me and Justice...
Kid.
Know you
L
L l was the inker on the comic book.
L, for one, will be boycotting this movie.
L'll feed you to the fuckin' dog!
L'll give you half of what I make.
L'll give you two thirds of what I make.
L'll take you to the crib, rip you off
L'll tell you what our necks are doing in your woods.
L'll tell you why! Because I'm a joke!
L've been watching you
La da da da
La da da da
La da da da da da
La da da da da da
La da da da da da da
La da da da da da da
La da da da da da da
La da da da da da da
La da da da da da da
La da da da da da da
La da da da da da da
La da da daaa
Lee doo doo doo doo
Lemon face. BOTH: Ooh.
