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Home > A Fish Called Wanda (1988)
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A Fish Called Wanda (1988)

A Fish Called Wanda (1988)

"A Fish Called Wanda" is a hilarious British-American crime comedy film released in 1988. Directed by Charles Crichton and written by John Cleese, the movie features an exceptional cast that includes John Cleese himself, Jamie Lee Curtis, Kevin Kline, and Michael Palin.

The plot revolves around a gang of bumbling criminals who join forces to perform a diamond heist. However, their plans are complicated when one of their members, Wanda (Jamie Lee Curtis), falls in love with the barrister who is defending their captured leader (John Cleese). Chaos ensues as each character tries to outwit and double-cross the others for their own personal gain.

With clever writing and expert comedic timing, "A Fish Called Wanda" is known for its witty dialogue, physical comedy, and unforgettable performances. The film received critical acclaim and was a commercial success, becoming a beloved classic in the comedy genre.

If you are interested in experiencing the uproarious sounds of "A Fish Called Wanda," you can play and download them here.

A bunch of pompous, badly dressed, poverty stricken,
A cup of tea, Ken?
A far Iíamore appassionato. Uno sbaglio grande!
A fish? Frenchman? A phone operator?
A little squeeze of lemon, some tartar sauce, perfect!
A pound says you won't kill her!
Agh!
Agh!
Ah, interesting. Well, basically, it's a preliminary investigation
Ah, so.
Ah, true. But a very elderly lady. I think they've got the wrong man.
Ah, you made it. Good. Bit of a knock, I'm afraid.
Aisle or window? Smoking or nonsmoking?
All I get all day is people complaining to me.
All right, all right. I apologize.
All right, then.
All right. I'm sorry I ate your fish, OK?
All right. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
All thanks to me.
Amazing. Well, anyway, at the committal George would then plead...?
And being told they all burned to death on Wednesday?
And don't call me Otto. To you, I am Mr...
And has had serious heart difficulties recently.
And he would turn them over to who? To you?
And hearing My wife left me this morning?
And his instructions to his legal representative...
And I hereby undertake not to repeat any such slander at any time in the future.
And I know that you don't keep the public informed
And I think we'd be really good for each other. What do you say?
And I wanna be. I'm so fed up with all this!
And I'm longing to humiliate you. So get in that barrel.
And it won't have to look for us.
And make it good, or we're dead.
And now Sandersonís have sent the wrong flowers.
And put diplomatic plates on it, right?
And she's dying, and somebody put it in the display cabinet...
And turn over the jewels to get his sentence cut.
And was in no way fair comment, and was motivated purely by malice.
And when he heard your daughter's called Portia,
And where are they?
And whip themselves into a frenzy at the flat at four...
And you come loping in like Rambo and you dangle him out a fifth floor window!
And you want me to replace it with something awful...
Anybody moves and you're dead!
Apologize.
Apologize.
Archie, I want you to speak to her about plastic surgery.
Archie, we've been burgled.
Archie, what has happened?
Archie, who on earth?
Archie!
Archie?
Are you all right?
Are you fucking crazy?!
Are you George Francis Thomason
Are you hurt?
Are you hurt? Speak to me!
Are you Ke...?
Are you sure the garage is very safe?
Are you totally deranged?
Aren't you Archie Leach?
Argh!
As the main witness, Mrs. Eileen Coady, is elderly
Asshole!
Asshole!
At least we're not irretrievably vulgar.
Au revoir.
Avoid the green ones. They're not ripe yet.
Be good.
Be rather nice for Portia to see it now.
Because the police will watch all the airports for 72 hours.
Before I, uh, had to go to your beautiful bathroom,
Behave yourself from now on, or I'll break your neck. OK?
Being so correct all the time? Being so...
Benito Mussolini!
Better eat the green one? OK.
Beyond Good and Evil.
Blinis.
Bloody hell!
Bloody hell!
Bored, wandering around this God awful city, shoving George's ugly pic...
Boy, they whupped our hide real good!
Buongiorno, signorina.
Bupkas.
But isn't it time you faced reality?
But it's such an ugly language.
But there are millions of them.
But we leased it from the agents last weekend.
But what else are they gonna come up with?
But you are a famous barrister, aren't you?
But you think you're an intellectual, don't you, ape?
But you're alive, God bless you.
But... will you think about it?
By a Mr. George Thomason, who lives at
Bye, Frank.
Bye, George.
Bye, sis.
Bye, Wanda!
Bye.
C c c...
C c car?
Ca ca ca...
Ca...
Calm down. Calm down! Easy, g g girl.
Can I stay, then?
Can we go to bed?
Can't you speak? Archie!
Champagne, dear. To welcome you home. Um, let me pour you a glass.
Clear the court! Clear the court!
Clear the court! Clear the court!
Clear the court! Clear the court! Clear the court!
Clear the court! I'm adjourning this matter for an hour.
Come here.
Come on, Archie. Pick up the phone.
Come on, open up!
Come on, Wanda! Gullet time!
Come on, you know.
Come on!
Come on! You're a very attractive man, Ken.
Cordial? Courteous? Supportive? What?
Darling, we mustn't talk about the trial.
Darling!
Davidson?
Death!
Diddly.
Disappointed!
Do shut up, Portia!
Do you believe those cockney klutzes bought our story? What morons!
Do you want m m me to g g get a b b big
Don't call me stupid.
Don't call me stupid.
Don't call me stupid. And I'm not jealous.
Don't go away.
Don't go near him! He's mine!
Don't I recognize you?
Don't tell me. It's better that you don't tell me.
Don't touch his dick.
Don't, uh, ever, ever,
Double bluff.
Dov'Ë il Vaticano?
Down the hatch.
Dust to dust...
Dust to dust...
Earth to earth, ashes to ashes,
Earth to earth, ashes to ashes,
Easy. Easy.
Eh!
Eighty percent chance there.
Eileen Coady. 69 Basil Street.
English, giant twerp,
Er, I didn't realize it was quite so late.
Er, not at the moment, no.
Er, not yet, n n no.
Er...
Er... well, hardly.
Even if you were my brother, I'd still want to fuck you.
Everybody wears these. Do you wear one?
Eww!
Excuse me, sir. Is this your vehicle?
Excuse me.
F f f...
First, I'll hang him up with piano wire...
Flat 3, Kipling Mansions,
For the presence of small particles of glass
Friedrich Nietzsche. Next.
Frightfully sorry. Take it, it's yours.
Fuck off, or I'll kill you.
Fuck off, pigs.
Fuck you!
Fuck!
Ge Ge Ge...
George back yet?
George Francis Thomason?
George moved the loot?!
George will tell him where the diamonds are?
George, it'd be a lot quicker if you told me.
George?
George.
Get in.
Get me my drink.
Get undressed.
Get your head down.
Glasnost.
Go on, Ken! You don't have the guts. Admit it!
God Almighty!
Going somewhere? Thought you could rob Mr. Leach, eh?
Gone for weeks.
Good night, Archie.
Good night, Wanda.
Good night, who?
Good, Bartlett.
Good.
Goodbye, Archie.
Gorbachov.
Got him!
Guess I'll have to ask you an easy one, huh, Ken? OK. Um...
H Hello. Oh, hello, Otto.
H Hello. Oh, hello, Otto.
H, but they won't.
Ha. How nice to see you.
Had a good day?
Hang on! Mind your head.
Have been the most exciting two weeks of your life.
Have lunch with Marjorie, who kept complaining about her husband,
Have you thought about it? Why did he give you this?
Hazel and Ian Johnson.
He believes me. He can't figure out you.
He He He...
He said Why did they name her after a car?
He thought that the Gettysburg Address was where Lincoln lived.
He'd tell you where the loot is first, wouldn't he?
He's going to kill her!
He's had a hard life. Dad used to beat him up.
He's in Hong Kong and he lent me the key. Now get out!
He's no idea?
He's pleading not guilty, so you're safe until the trial.
He's s s safe.
Heathrow Airport.
Hello, George. Get you a Scotch?
Hello, honey. What happened?
Hello, K K Ken's p p pets.
Hello, Lunch. Hello!
Hello, Mr. Burglar!
Hello, Wanda.
Hello?
Hello?
Hello.
Hello. I thought it might interest you to know
Hello. Wanda's told me a lot about you.
Here are the statements. All to be fully bound, please.
Here. Here. Again. No?
Here. Write it.
Hey!
Hey!
Hey!
Hey! Great fish!
Hey! If you wanna settle something with me, why don't you fight me?
Hey. I've lost my stutter.
Hi, George.
Hi, hon. How you doin'? Ooh, you look great. I love your hair.
Hi!
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
His wife, his wife!
Hold on. It's for you.
Honestly!
Hong Kong.
Hotel? Which hotel?
Hotel.
Hotels, banks, offices... Sorry.
How about... because I have the key to the safety deposit box?
How about... Russian?
How are you gonna c c catch me, K K Ken?
How come a girl as... bright as you could have a brother who's so...
How come you dumped me, then?
How could I know it was you?
How could I know you were robbing your own house? I was trying to help!
How do you do, Mrs. Leach? I'm Harvey Manfren... jensen.
How do you do? I'm George's barrister.
How do you know the defendant?
How much wood could a woodchuck chuck
How very interesting. You're a true vulgarian, aren't you?
I apologize unreservedly.
I bet these last two weeks with me
I bet you a pound you don't kill her.
I can't!
I could look at it then, call you on Saturday.
I deeply regret any distress my comments may have caused you or your family.
I did it!
I didn't come here today to talk about boring criminal procedures.
I didn't wanna say anything with George here,
I don't know what it's for. It's in the...
I don't know where it is. There's a key.
I don't know. He rang the bell and I...
I don't know. I'll improvise.
I don't know. Let's just see what happens.
I don't think I can handle this.
I don't want you for your conversation.
I fell in love with you!
I got the deal of a lifetime! 50 50, you and me. What do you say?
I had a good friend in the CIA had a stutter. Cost him his life.
I have loved you ever since the first second I saw you.
I knew it! You're Archie Leash!
I know we're not allowed to talk. Gimme a call.
I know. I just meant theoretically.
I know. I know.
I like you, Archie. I just wanna help.
I love that man!
I love the way you laugh.
I love watching your ass when you walk. Is that beautiful or what?!
I love you. You're funny.
I mean, how could you expect me to guess?
I must insist, otherwise I may have to give up the case. I'm sorry. Please?
I promise I'll get it. OK?
I saw you in court. Uh, two weeks ago.
I spend the morning trying to get a waste disposal man,
I think I love you, Wanda.
I thought Englishmen didn't like women, the way they talk.
I thought he might.
I thought you were making tea, Archie. Iíd better do it.
I told your father to get the car serviced.
I tushit nyeponyatnaya, svetlaya, prelyestnaya rech'.
I understand you wanting to play around with her.
I varitsya i plachetsya, i tak legko!
I varitsya i plachetsya, i tak legko...
I wanna make love with you, Wanda.
I want you to speak to Portia.
I want you.
I was dealing with something delicate.
I was over at the courts this morning. Boy, it's fascinating! So much to know.
I was so afraid to go to sleep last night, I...
I was, uh, just telling your husband here,
I wasn't rich enough. Remember?
I Wendy... I Wanda... I wonder... I w w w...
I went back to the house, and guess who...
I won the case.
I wonder...
I... I, er, I came in here, somebody hit me, tied me up...
I'd love to, but...
I'll be right back.
I'll deal with you later!
I'll give you a clue. Somewhere around the airport.
I'll just sit here and eat my chips till you tell me.
I'll kill you! I'll kill yu!
I'll see you in court.
I'll tell you. The smallest fucking province
I'm a good lover. At least...
I'm almost full.
I'm going to ask you some questions... while I eat my chips.
I'm gonna have to shoot you now.
I'm gonna teach you a lesson. He happens to be a good friend of mine.
I'm gonna... I'm gonna k k kill you.
I'm having a problem understanding preliminary criminal procedures.
I'm his barrister. His lawyer.
I'm n n n...
I'm not! I don't believe in jealousy. It's for the weak.
I'm s...
I'm setting up a guy who's important to us,
I'm so miserable and you just don't care!
I'm so sorry, I've forgotten your name.
I'm so very s...
I'm sorry about my brother, Ken. I know he's insensitive.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. I didn't know it was you.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I'm studying aspects of your legal system. I'm American.
I'm very, very s...
I'm warning you, Otto.
I've been helping her get her evidence straight, you burk. It slipped out.
I've got to speak to you.
I've got tomorrow with some lousy old hag.
I've handled this badly. Look... the physical side can wait.
I've known sheep that could outwit you. I've worn dresses with higher IQs.
I've such a headache. Could you pick me up some aspirin?
If a woodchuck could chuck wood?
If George decides to change his plea,
If I get sent down, it all gets handed back to cut my sentence.
If I wasn't very happy about everything.
If it wasn't for us, you'd all be speaking German!
If you talk to Mom, tell her I said hi.
In order to get information, I just might have to get friendly with him.
In the morning, where were you?
In the Russian Empire, that's what!
In the t t t...
In which book did Nietzsche claim that almost all higher culture
In your hand.
Is based on cruelty?
Is there any possibility that this case might be put down for an early trial?
Isn't it horrible about George? Oh, Ken!
Isn't it wonderful?
It was not a nice thing to do.
It's a Buddhist meditation technique. Focuses your aggression.
It's all right, it doesn't bother me. So George needs a weapons man, eh?
It's an early Tantric meditation. What is this?
It's an XK Red 27 technique.
It's fascinating.
It's fish. Isn't it?
It's gone. I can speak.
It's good to be here, George. England is a fine country.
It's just beautiful.
It's just that if anyone saw us talking...
It's just that wasting old ladies isn't nice!
It's K K Ken, c c coming to k k kill me.
It's my husband. He's been hit.
It's not an an an...
It's not ethical for me to talk to a witness.
It's OK, Otto. Ken's good.
It's OK. I was wrong. I'm sorry I was jealous.
It's the most beautiful thing you've ever given me.
Jesus Christ!
Jesus, they're uptight.
Jesus! I said I'm sorry. What the fu...?
Just go ahead. Pork away, pal. Fuck her blue.
Kamina tozhe ni trudnuyu tyesnitsya lyubosyat'sya grust'.
Keep everyone informed?
Keep it running.
Ken says there's a safe deposit box key, but only George knows where it is.
Ken, somebody just called!
Ken, where is it? Where?!
Ken! Ken!
Ken! OK. You didn't realize I was gay.
Ken?
Ken?
Ken?
Ken... this is Otto.
Ken's got the fish food. He'll be in later.
Kept one to help you find the diamonds, and when he does, you commit perjury.
Kill!
Kill!
Kill!
Kill!
Kiss me there.
Know what Nietzsche said about them? He said they were God's second blunder.
Leach doesn't think he did it.
Leave it out. Leave it out, OK?
Leg...
Let me just change clothes, and then I'll help you look.
Let me think, let me think. Um...
Let's get the diamonds!
Let's say, for argument's sake, that you did think he did it.
Like nobody lies in England. Like Margaret Thatcher never lies.
Limey fruits!
Listen... I can't see you any more. I've got to end it. I'm sorry.
Look what I've got, Wanda.
Look where you're going! Chauvinist pig!
Look, I just want to apologize, sincerely, for... What?
Look, Otto! Look!
Look, she's a very sexy girl.
Look, you know nothing about intelligence work.
Ma ho sposato una donna che preferisce lavorare nel giardino
Me, jealous of that fop?
Melanzane parmigiana con spinaci.
Met with an accident.
Mine. It's a beauty, isn't it?
Miss Gershwitz, on the fourth of March of this year,
Mm?
Mm? Mm?
Molto pericolo...
Most of my friends are dead.
Mr. Leach, I'm sure Ms. Gershwitz can recognize her brother.
Ms. Gershwitz... how can you be so sure?
Much obliged, my lord.
Murray Road, London, West 9.
My brother.
My dear lady, you are a defense witness. I must ask you to leave immediately.
My dogs will be having their nap.
My father was in the secret service, Mr. Manfredjin St. John,
My mother gave it to me...
My name is Otto. It means eight. Say Arrivederci a Giorgio.
My wife's going to the opera Friday.
Necklace. Right. I'll think of something.
Nice doggy. Nice d doggy.
Nice place.
Nice rug, Archie.
Niente.
No hassle. There's plenty of time.
No hurry, Inspector. Please do take your time.
No plans to see him?
No, absolutely not. George?
No, no, no. No, not here.
No!
No!
No?
No?
No.
No.
No. He had to g g go to the b b b...
No. He's straight. He's kinda cute, too, in a pompous sort ofway.
No. I have to finish my hair. No.
No. I'm fine. Bit of a headache.
No. Make the call, Otto.
No. No Italian!
No. No, I don't think so.
No. No, not now. We, uh...
No. Not to me, to Archie.
No. Nothing, no marks at all.
No. OK, bye, bro.
No. She just... left.
No. That's not a word that leaps to mind.
No. You don't have to dash off, do you?
Nobody says anything during a break in.
Not Granny?
Not unless you're congenitally insane or irretrievably stupid, no.
Not Wanda Gershwitz?
Not yet.
Not yet. I'm thirsty.
Not you, Ken. You've got a beautiful speaking voice. When it works.
Nothing? OK. Well, I'm outta here!
Now for goodness sake, get off to bed.
Now let me correct you on a couple of things, OK?
Now listen, listen, listen, listen. Listen.
Now, get your hands up.
Now, here's the plan.
Now, k k kill!
Now, listen. Two things. One...
Now, out.
Now, to cut my sentence even more, I could tell them who done it with me,
Now, was that smart?!
Now, when he goes into his committal...
Now, where are we going to hide it?
Now, where was I? Oh, yeah.
Now, you were in court, Inspector, when the forensic evidence was read?
Now... you have just assaulted
Odnu molitvu chudnuyu tverzhdaya naizust'.
Of Kipling Mansions, Murray Avenue, London, W9?
Of Kipling Mansions, Murray Road, London, West 9?
Of saying to someone Are you married?
Officers, arrest that man!
Oh, and Otto...
Oh, Archie, it's beautiful.
Oh, Archie, it's beautiful.
Oh, Archie! This isn't like you.
Oh, Archie.
Oh, Archie.
Oh, Archie. Can I ask you a question?
Oh, come on! Sorry. I'm sorry.
Oh, dear.
Oh, ecco Roma.
Oh, George! Oh, my God, I can't believe this is happening!
Oh, God!
Oh, God.
Oh, good afternoon, sir. Boarding pass?
Oh, good. Well, enjoy the opera, darling.
Oh, I looked at the clock. 'Cause I was saying to myself,
Oh, I love you, Archie.
Oh, I'm a big fan of yours. Ilove the way you... cross examine.
Oh, I'm so glad you like it, darling.
Oh, I'm so very, very, very, very s...
Oh, I'm sorry. All right, darling. I'll... I'll get it for you.
Oh, it was horrible, Ken. It was just horrible.
Oh, it's a little embarrassing. I... have a friend.
Oh, it's even got a W for Wendy.
Oh, it's you! I was actually worried there.
Oh, Ken, it's you! I thought it was the police again.
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! Look!
Oh, my God.
Oh, no, they... Shut up!
Oh, no!
Oh, right! To call you stupid would be an insult to stupid people!
Oh, sorry, darling. Just a stupid case
Oh, sorry.
Oh, theoretically? Um...
Oh, those terrible lies he told about the CIA!
Oh, yeah? Well, I used to kill for the CIA.
Oh, yes. Certainly, certainly.
Oh, yes. The evidence is largely circumstantial.
Oh, you English are so superior, aren't you?
Oh, you know, if it wasn't for George...
Oh, you're the best, Archie.
Oh!
Oh!
Oh! Here, boy.
Oh! I'm gonna be late for court.
Oh! Oh, I see. Well, there you are.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh. Oh, fine.
Oi! Oi!
OK, fine. Don't worry, don't worry. Do you know where they've gone?
OK, fine. Fine, Ken. Come at me. Gimme your best shot.
OK, OK, OK, OK. Don't get excited. OK, OK, OK.
OK, OK, OK. 60 40. That's my final offer.
OK, you have the guts. Good. Wait.
OK.
OK.
OK.
OK.
OK.
OK.
OK. I'll tell Bartlett.
OK. No, look, I'm sorry.
On his trousers?
One more day, we're together.
One thing, though. Touch his dick and he's dead!
Ooh, le due cupole grandi della cattedrale di Milano.
Oooh!
Open the door, or we'll knock it down.
Or saying... Do you have children?
Or was it stupid?!
Oscar Wilde.
Otto doesn't approve. Otto might get jealous.
Otto, don't look back. There's a cop right behind us.
Otto, what are you doing?
Otto?
Otto...
Passport, tickets...
People always take advantage of me.
Piss off.
Plead guilty, tell them where the loot is, you may get away with...
Please, don't.
Please.
Please. I'm sorry.
Please. Shit!
Police! Open up!
Portia, go to your room. I can explain. I left some papers...
Provided that we don't discuss the case.
Pushkin.
Quick!
Really! People here just think they own the pavement!
Relationship?
Restrain that man!
Rev v venge!
Ridiculous!
Right, right. You would then advise him to plead guilty,
Right.
Right. I'll have a word with her in the morning.
Rio!
Romeo and Juliet?
Roubles.
Scumbag, fuck face, dickhead asshole!
Send for an ambulance!
Sex is very, very difficult for me with somebody that I don't trust completely.
Sexually repressed football hooligans.
Sh sh she just had a sh sh shower.
She copped it!
She tells you what we need?
She'll be gone for hours. It's about what I said to you.
She's had a relationship with him all her life.
Shh!
Shit! God!
Show her a good time? Rub her out? T...
Shut up and think. Where's he moved it?
Shut up, then.
Shut up!
Shut up!
Shut up!
Shut up.
Sir! Airport security. May I see your boarding pass, please?
Sit down, Mr. Thomason. Are we ready for a committal claim?
Slowly.
Slowly. Very slowly.
Smell. Smell. Smell, Maggie. Smell.
So am I.
So don't call me stupid, lady. Just thank me!
So next week we won't have to look for work.
So painful!
So that they can dress up like ballerinas
So the loot's at the airport, is it, Ken?
So the old lady's gonna m m meet with an accident, eh, K K Ken?
So what are you gonna do about it, huh?
So where are the diamonds?
So while installing windows for your parents,
So, Archie, thanks for the drink. Sorry to have troubled you.
So, friendly might include actual, uh, what? Penetration?
So, how are you gonna get friendly with this lawyer?
So, um, see you soon, I hope.
So, you robbed the jeweler's, turned one lover over to the police,
So, you're Wanda's brother.
So...
So... this is the place, huh?
Something like that?
Something likes that.
Son of a bitch!
Son of a bitch!
Sono italiano in spirito.
Sorry if I seem... pompous.
Sorry to interrupt you, sir.
Sorry, Ken, but your answer was incorrect.
Ssfff...
Stand up then, Mr. Thomason.
Standing there with their hair clenched, just...
Stifled by this dread of doing the wrong thing?
Still, you really did think it was in there, didn't you?
Stuck up, snot nosed,
Stupid fucking limey cement! Ugh!
Stupid jerk! I mean, what the fuck are you doing robbing your own house?
Stutter's not getting any better, is it?
Sure, don't worry about it, Ken. We'll fix it. Now, anything on Otto?
Talk to who? Talk to who?!
Talking to stuck up, intellectually inferior British faggots.
Taxi! Taxi!
Tell Bartlett Ken knows where they are.
Thank you for all your help. I'll be right out.
Thank you for popping in and protecting us!
Thank you for this. I'll treasure it.
Thank you so much. Uh... British Airways to Rio?
Thank you very much.
Thank you, Wanda!
Thank you.
Thanks a lot. Bye. Have a good day.
That the Hatton Garden robbery today was pulled off
That was fun. I love robbing the English. They're so polite.
That will be for the listing office at the Old Bailey.
That's a chip up the nose, I'm afraid.
That's correct, ma'am.
That's George's lawyer.
That's him. That's him, Inspector.
That's it, then.
That's my brother. Get rid of your wife and get my necklace.
That's not allowed in here, miss.
That's quite a stutter youíve got there, Ken.
That's right! Here's a question for you.
That's so great!
That's so weird, though. Isn't that weird?
That's what I'm gonna find out.
That's what the books say. Let's take, for example...
That's why they're offering you this to replace it.
That's why we're so... dead.
The Airway Sheraton? The Post House? The Cathcart Towers?
The C...
The C...
The Ca...
The Ca...
The Ca... The Ca...
The Cathcart Towers?! Yes?!
The central message of Buddhism is not every man for himself.
The English contribution to world cuisine: the chip.
The fact that Mr. Thomason was installing windows the previous weekend
The imputation was totally without basis in fact,
The jewels are very safe.
The London Underground is not a political movement.
The one man who can keep you out of jail and make you rich.
The other guy must be the barrister.
The polka, I think.
Then back to the flat, pack, collect me.
Then I have to play three rubbers with Philippa.
Then to the Cathcart Towers Hotel to pick up the jewels.
Then when I attacked you in there, well, I'm really, really s...
Then...
There are 135 of them. That makes 13 millions, my friends.
There was an identification, wasn't there?
There you are, dear. Cheers. Nice to see you again.
There's an American legal student wants to see me. What time is Sir John due?
They get rigor mortis in the prime of life in this country.
They just don't understand it.
They kicked some ass there.
They said that the police know that the loot is in a garage in Fulham.
They're worth about 100,000 each.
Thinking what I'll do to him.
This flat belongs to Patrick Balfour.
This is my first moment of peace all day.
This is the big one. So...
This is the nicest thing you've ever given me,
Thomason?
Those are all mistakes. I looked 'em up.
To be... honest, I, uh, hate them.
To the best brother and sister team since...
To us.
Treasure chest!
Treasure!
Trust me.
Two...
Uh, superior. So fucking superior, with those phony accents.
Uh, yes. Yes, 'fraid so, old chap. Sorry!
Uh...
Uh... Lenin.
Uh... Uh...
Um... All right, wait.
Um... Well, er...
Un ossobuco milanese con piselli.
Unbe fucking lievable!
V dushe kak bremya skatyatsya somneniya daleko.
V dushe kak bremya skatyatsya somneniya daleko.
Very good! Don't tell Wanda anything. Otto might get something out of her.
Very good. Would you step over here, please?
Very, very, very s...
Very, very...
Vladivostok.
Wait a moment!
Wait. Wait, Ken! Kenny! K...
Wake up! Wake up, limey fish!
Wanda was lying. Wanda was telling the truth.
Wanda was upset. She needed family.
Wanda, do you have any idea what it's like being English?
Wanda?
Wanda.
Wanna have some lunch? Have you heard from him?
Want me to rub him out? Anything. You name it.
We all go up to Heathrow, collect the loot, and then vvroooom!
We did not lose Vietnam! It was a tie!
We don't have to.
We don't meet up at Heathrow until Tuesday...
We just wanna keep everyone informed.
We slept late. You made me breakfast.
We therefore commit its body to the ground;
We therefore commit its body to the ground;
We're lovers, your lord.
We've got a high ranking KGB defector in a safe house near here.
We've got ten minutes. They're gonna find you guilty, right?
We've had a relationship for two years.
Well, could I have your autograph anyway?
Well, if the defendant wants to change his plea
Well, if you absolutely insist.
Well, if you absolutely insist.
Well, it's better than b b buggering people.
Well, Ken...
Well, not Wanda, anyway. I'm going to call her Lunch.
Well, that would be very nice, obviously.
Well, um, I only have a few minutes before... Sorry.
Well, Wanda, there are really three...
Well, we're ready now, at last.
Well, when I dangled you out the window. I'm really, really...
Well, you t tell him from me that I I I...
Well, you're the filth of the planet.
Well.
Well...
Wendy wouldn't give it back. Look, I got you this instead.
Wh when you say five to seven,
What a coincidence!
What about you?
What am I doing here?
What are the names of those hotels by the airport? What are they?
What are you d d doing here?
What are you doing?
What are you gonna do? Shoot me? Gun me down in cold blood like a dog?
What do the English usually eat with chips to make them more interesting?
What do you have to do in this life to make people trust you?
What do you really want outof life, Wanda?
What does he want you to do? Send her flowers? Do her shopping?
What exactly is the committal?
What if he has to speak in the break in?
What if I tell 'em about Otto... and Wanda?
What is this, Hump a Limey Week suddenly?
What the bloody hell do you think...?
What was the first one? You said you weren't gonna see him!
What was the middle thing, about the police?
What was the middle thing?
What would an intellectual do?
What would Plato do?
What, er, what brings you here?
What?
What?
What?
What?
What?
What?
What?
What? Me to you?
What?! Archie, what are you doing?
What's going on?
What's h happening?
What's happened?
What's so funny?
What's the idea? You can't stay...
What's the matter?
What's the matter? Can't you think about her feelings?
What's the matter? Why?
What's this one's name?
Whatever George decides to do, he's gonna tell Leach first.
When he finds you all tied up and ready for the police.
When I find the bastard who squealed...!
When you are debriefing KGB defectors in a safe house.
When you say friendly, what are we talking about here?
Where are the diamonds?
Where could he be going at five to seven with that shotgun?
Where have they gone? Quick!
Where is it?
Where?
Where? Where?
Where?!
Where'd he move it, Ken?! Where did he move it?!
Where'd I leave my drink, Archie? Ah!
Which one are you gonna pick?
Whisky.
Who developed the concept of the superman in Also sprach Zarathustra?
Who did it, George? Kevin Delaney?
Who'll tell me where the loot is and if you'll be arrested,
Whose is the car?
Why I should take you to South America with me.
Why not indeed?
Why not?
Why'd you bring him?
With you n a moment. I'll be right back.
Would account, would it not, Inspector,
Would you like to know where you'd be without us, the US of A, to protect you?
Wow! Well, I can watch you work now.
Y y y...
Yeah, four. We get rid of Otto later.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah. Here's my boarding pass. Ken!
Yeah. Please. It was my fault. It was my fault.
Yes, and... are you quite sure it was your brother?
Yes, Ken. A limo, OK?
Yes, Mr. Leach?
Yes, sir.
Yes, well, obviously that changes things a bit. Um...
Yes, yes. I do appreciate that. Yes, as soon as possible.
Yes?
Yes.
Yes.
Yes. And his aunt, Georgina Thomason.
Yes. Do you know him?
Yes. It will be under Section 6.2, madam.
Yes. That's my forecast. I'll stand by that.
Yest' sila blagodatnaya sozvuchiy slov zhivykh.
Yest' sila blagodatnaya sozvuchiy slov zhivykh.
You and I have to go get it.
You and I have to go move it before the police find it.
You are committed to stand trial at the Central Criminal Court.
You are gonna g g get off, aren't you?
You are the sexiest, most beautiful girl I have ever seen...
You are Wanda Gershwitz,
You asshole! You stupid, stiff, pompous, English...
You bought our house in Lissendon Gardens.
You called her darling... and Wanda.
You can stick this marriage right in your bottom!
You don't even know why you're excited.
You don't, huh?
You done well, my son.
You English, you think you're so superior, don't you?
You get four tickets for this evening for Rio, first class. Then...
You knew the minute I walked in here.
You know your problem? You don't like winners.
You know, we have these piles of corpses to dinner.
You m m murdering...
You must be j j j...
You need time.
You owe me a p p p...
You pompous,
You really like animals, don't you, Ken? What's the attraction?
You said you loved him!
You see, Wanda, we're all... terrified of embarrassment.
You speak French, too.
You spineless bimbo.
You stayed at my place.
You watch him.
You were kneeling on the floor where there was broken glass?
You're a man, aren't you? Let's fight like men! Come on!
You're getting me so hot! I need something to drink.
You're smart. You've got...
You're supposed to drive me and shut up!
You're the bloody barrister!
You're the vulgarian, you fuck! Now apologize!
Your brother didn't bring you, did he?
Your brother?
Your father has finally gone completely mental.
Your other hand.
Zip.
2B, St...
# Ca... Plenty of time.
A conference? You've been attacked! It's nothing. I must fly.
Ah, hello, Portia. What's happened?
Ah! What? What?
All right. All right, then.
All right. All right.
Almost. Stop!
Am I interrupting? Absolutely not.
Anything? What? No.
Apes don't read philosophy. Yes, they do, Otto.
Apol... Pardon me?
Apolo... What?
Apologize! Right!
Archie! I'll help you tidy up when I get back.
Archie? Mm?
Archie? Yeah?
Are you ill? No, no, no.
Are you OK now, sis? I'm fine.
Are you OK? It's all right.
Are you really Italian? Absolutamente. SÏ.
Are you rich? No. No, I'm afraid not.
Are you thinking or in mid stutter? You're m m mad.
But he left about five to seven. Wanda!
But it is a safety deposit box key? Oh, yes.
But till then, I'm all yours. I just have a couple of questions.
Bye, George. Police, please.
Call me if you need me. OK. Thanks.
Can I change him? It won't cost much. Oughtn't we to ask...
Can I see that? What?
Car? Blocking the drive.
Carissima. Oh, speak it. Speak it!
Cathcart Towers Hotel? Cathcart Towers Hotel.
Champagne? Oh, my favorite!
Chicken Kiev. Good. Dostoyevsky.
Dead? Heart attack.
Delicious! You b b b...
Do you like it? No, Archie. I have to have mine.
Do you speak Italian? I am Italian!
Dollars or pounds? Pounds, pet.
Don't call me stupid. Why on earth not?
Dov'Ë la farmacia? Yes, yes, yes!
Er... Not Granny?
Everybody does it in America. Not in England. It's forbidden.
Everybody does it in America. Not in this country they don't!
Figure out what? If you turned him in or not, stupid!
For what? For KGB.
Friend. Oh! A four legged one?
Gate 14. Thank you.
George was there. Thank you.
George? What?
Get the fuck out! I heard moaning. I was worried.
Get your clothes on. Will you leave, please?
God, is that the time? What?
Goodbye, Archie. Gonna shoot me?
Got your passport? Yeah.
Half past twelve, sir. Right.
Have you got a stutter? Y y yeah. A b b bit.
He doesn't have a clue. What?
Hello, Portia. How was the show? Awful. I've got to have a new horse.
Hello? Hello, Wanda. It's Archie.
Hello? I know where the diamonds are.
Hello? Sir John is here.
Hello. Hello.
Hey, I saved your ass. I had him right where I wanted him!
Hey... I give you one thing to do, Otto!
Hi, Ken. Hello, W W Wanda.
Hi. How very nice to see you.
Hm? Do listen.
How was the opera? Finished early? Whose car is it?
I can't talk to you. Why not?
I couldn't get it. What?
I don't believe this. So George'll be out this afternoon.
I don't know. Why do I like you so much?
I don't need your jealousy now. Jealousy?
I don't want... They can't have it.
I have friends making enquiries. Good.
I know. Your wife's coming back. No, no. It's not her.
I need a drink. Let's go to the pub.
I saw... Ken, Ken, Ken!
I thought you liked Phantom. He's not fit for dog meat.
I thought you liked Phantom. He's not fit for dog meat.
I wanna speak with you. Will you leave me alone?
I want you to know something. What?
I was at the apartment at Murray Road. Were you by yourself,
I won the case. Oh! Now this is cracked.
I'd appreciate that. Thanks. Bye, Frank.
I'd better not... I don't suppose you...? No. Fine.
I'll put one up. Put the other one up!
I'm defending him. What are you talking about?
I'm sorry! Revenge!
I'm, uh, with the CIA. The CIA?
I've got it. How soon can you get to George's?
It is all right for us to speak. It is?
It is. It's enormous! No, it isn't.
It's a smoke screen? What?!
It's all right! What?
Just a peck! No tongue! Ken! No!
Keep your hands up. No!
Leach. Right!
Let me do it. No, I'll do it!
Let me know if anything turns up. Yes.
Let's split. Heathrow, Tuesday.
Lie low. No celebrating. No celebrating?
Look, I want to apologize. I just finished it.
M m m... Moved.
Make the call. Momento, carissima.
May I call you Kenny? Remember Wanda!
May I kiss you? No, you fucking can't!
Mozzarella. No! Not here.
My brother. And did your...?
my friend George Thomason. Right.
N n nothing. What's that?
No hurry. The C C Ca...
No, no, no. SÏ, sÏ, sÏ.
No, no, no. What?
No, really. She's Canadian. It's lovely. Thank you.
No, they didn't. Yes, they did.
No! I'm beginning to think you like him!
No. OK.
No. What?
No. Somebody else was there. Who was that?
Not guilty. Really?
Not here, Otto! Um...
Now, about my sister. Otto...
Now! They sent a new girl. Oh, Archie.
Now... George...
Nuzzling? I think $20 million is worth nuzzling.
Oh, it's too big! No, it isn't, Portia.
Oh, Jesus Christ! Will you calm down? Shut up!
Oh, my God... Asshole!
Oh, no, they didn't. Oh, yes, they did.
Oh, no! Well, are you hurt?
Oh, please, Mother! No. Absolutely not.
Oh, really? I've just started, though.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I haven't finished yet.
OK. Don't let him touch you.
OK. Oh, no, no. Please.
OK. OK.
OK. Was it shrewd? Was it good tactics?
Otto, no. Dov'Ë la Fontana di Trevi?
Otto! Come on.
Otto! Now, apologize.
Otto! Ouch! Come on!
Otto? Mm. We just went and saw George.
Pardon? Nothing.
Parmigiana. Gorgonzola! Otto, no!
Please believe me! It's all right!
Please? We're not allowed to speak.
Put 'em up! I'll make a deal with you.
Really? No, really. Delighted to see you.
Restrain this man. Come here, you bastard!
Revenge! Wait. I got an idea. You take it all.
Say something in Russian. No!
See you in a couple of hours. OK. Bye.
Shit on you? Show off all the time.
Show him in. I want you to make love with me.
Sing it. Sing. # The Ca...
So nothing, huh? Nix.
So there's no panic, ma'am. But isn't it a secret?
So when could you look at it? Let's think. Thursday's hopeless.
So? Trust me.
So? Well, he's not sure it was you.
Take him down to the cell, officer. Yes, sir.
Taxi! Come on.
Thank you so much. Champagne?
Thank you. He's sure to get off now.
Thank you. Lavatory.
Thank you. Lavatory.
Thanks. De nada.
That's a good reason! Good reason.
That's right, sir. And your parents can confirm this?
That's their problem. Not legally.
That's true. Yeah.
The casino break in? You were great!
The d d d... What is it, Ken?
The dog! We didn't hit the dog, Ken. It's OK.
The monks used to do it before battle. What kind of Buddhism is this, Otto?
The... Go on.
Then leave! OK!
Theoretically? Oh, of course.
There's something f f funny going on. Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.
They both did it? Yeah.
This is it. Very nice.
Thomason, lady to see you. Anything else?
Thomason! Yeah? Oh.
Time for a coffee? No. I've g g g...
To 20 million. To a job well done.
To us. To us.
Uh huh. Um...
Um, yes, of course. Oh, look! The Queen.
Wanda. Wanda! What a fool, what a fool.
We're rich, Wanda. Yep?
We've got to talk. Tell those pigs to fuck off!
Well, who was that shouting? The brother of a f friend of mine.
Wendy! No! Tell them they can't have it!
Wendy. No.
Wh what... We could have fun together, you and I.
Wh... Isn't it terrible about George?
What about my tits? Does he get to handle them?
What about the house? That's Wendy's. She's the rich one.
What are you thinking? I'm trying to think of a reason
What do we do about Otto? I'll handle Otto.
What do you think? We may be all right on the glass.
What happened? Got a date Friday.
What have you done with her? She's all right.
What have you found out? Not a lot.
What on earth is the matter? I thought the picture was falling.
What the hell are you doing? I might ask you the same question!
What was that? A necklace.
What was that? What?
What was the middle one? Anything in nonsmoking.
What? In the barrel.
What? Let's fly to South America.
What? Let's go to the pub.
What? Let's go.
What? The Ca ca ca...
What? The plan.
What? Where's the key?
What? You owe me a p pound.
What? You're his alibi.
What? You're in the wrong flat.
What?! An old lady wanted it engraved,
What?! Er, I'm late for a conference.
What's going on? Nothing. Right, let's go.
What's he doing here? He wanted to see you.
What's she up to, George? What are you up to?
What's that? My brother. He's using the bathroom.
What's the matter? Oh, it's wonderful, Archie.
What's this? Thanks, Portia. OK. Coming with us?
Where are you going? To talk to him.
Where have they gone? They've gone to the Ca ca ca...
Where? Buenos Aires.
Where? Where's the key?
Where's Bartlett? He's upstairs. So, where are they?
Where's Ken? He's at the flat.
Where's my sister? She's in the b b b...
Who are you talking to? Myself.
Who are you? What?!
Who is this? Don't you know?
Who? Archie.
Who's it for, then? Af f f...
Whose is it? Belongs to someone at the chambers.
Why are you here? I'm here because I'm bored!
Why South America? OK. Iceland?
Why? Because he's his lawyer.
Will you pull yourself together? It's secure now.
Will you shut up?! Oh, Jesus Christ, don't kill me!
Will you take me to bed, Archie? No. Sorry.
Winners? Yeah.
Winners. Winners like... North Vietnam?
Would you like some tea? Yes.
Would you like to? We haven't been for 15 years!
Y y y... Fine, fine. Where?
Yeah, yeah. I know that. So I'm gonna get to know Mr. Leach.
Yeah? ... let's go to South America.
Yeah. Something cold? Maybe in the fridge?
Yes, dear? You bitch! You fucking bitch!
Yes, sir. The charge is one of armed robbery.
Yes, we can just do it, Mr. Leach. Great.
Yes, yes. Certainly. Thanks.
Yes? OK?
Yes. George Thomason?
Yes. Hey, I'm merely curious.
Yes. In a safe deposit box?
Yes. Now, will you tell the court, please,
Yes. Oh, my God.
Yes. Where's the key?
Yes. Thanks. Thanks, Otto. I wanted you to trust me.
You been coaching her? What do you think?!
You don't think he did it? No.
You don't think...? Do you?
You got the hots for him? I'm not into necrophilia.
You have no idea how secret. Why are you telling everyone?
You lied to me from the start. You just wanted to get me into bed.
You look good, Arch. I used to box for Oxford.
You make me feel free! Free?
You promise? I'll think of something.
You realize he's in court tomorrow? I know. I know that!
You want me to spring you? Now!
You're really sorry? I'm really sorry.
Your supper's in the fridge. Marvelous.
...checking houses in the neighborhood.
...eight years, out in five and a half.
...in my entire life.
...money.
...on her death... bed.
...the normal procedure...
...tried to k k kiss me.
...usedto be, back in the early 14th century.
...wonderful bones, great eyes, and you dress really interestingly.
'Cause I knew you'd come along and fuck it up!
» molto pericoloso, signorina.
# Ca...
# Ca... The Ca...
# Canis mortuus est
# Canis mortuus est
# Deutschland, Deutschland ¸ber alles
# E cantare, oh...
# Miserere domine
# Miserere domine
# Miserere domine
# The Ca... The Ca... The Ca...
# The Ca... The...
# Volare
$20 million, he worried about an insect.

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